August 25, 2025 • 31 mins
Perfectionism can be both a blessing and a curse for those in helping professions. While striving for excellence drives us to learn and grow, perfectionism—that rigid, unforgiving demand for flawlessness—can lead to burnout, paralysis, and diminished effectiveness with clients.
What's the difference? As I explain in this episode, "A healthy striver wants to do well. A perfectionist needs to be perfect to feel okay." This crucial distinction shapes our professional lives, our wellbeing, and our capacity to serve others authentically.
This perfectionism trap is particularly seductive for helpers. Our work involves high stakes and ethical imperatives. Many of us battle imposter syndrome, using perfectionism as armor against being "discovered" as inadequate. The inherent ambiguity in human services challenges our desire for certainty. We desperately want to be the perfect helper, often tying our worth to external validation rather than internal satisfaction.
The costs are significant. For us, perfectionism breeds burnout, procrastination, chronic self-criticism, and rigid thinking. For our clients, it creates unrealistic expectations, difficulty accepting imperfection, lack of authentic connection, and even delayed interventions while we pursue the perfect approach.
But transformation is possible. This episode offers nine practical strategies including embracing "good enough," reframing failure as feedback, practicing self-compassion, seeking supportive supervision, and modeling appropriate vulnerability. I also guide you through the "Taming the Perfect Beast" activity to identify your perfectionism profile and develop personalized strategies for shifting toward healthier striving.
Your immense value as a helper lies not in flawlessness, but in your humanity, dedication, and willingness to grow. Subscribe to Soul Joy for more insights on preventing burnout and practicing sustainable self-care in the helping professions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey y'all, I'm Dr Julie Merriman and welcome to
SoulJoy.
Today we're still looking atthe crown chakra by tackling a
pervasive trait that can feellike both a superpower and a
significant burden for many ofus perfectionism, because, y'all
, this is a very necessarycomponent of holistic,
(00:22):
sustainable self-care, alsoknown as wellness.
All right, hello, welcome,welcome.
I appreciate y'all taking aminute to hang out with me as we
talk about I think this is areally important topic
(00:44):
perfectionism.
I cannot think of a client I'veworked with.
Well, that's not true.
I can probably think of one ortwo clients over the years.
My invitation there is thatthis is a very pervasive topic
perfectionism getting in the wayof our happiness.
But before we get there, quickmoment about home chat.
(01:05):
Let's see.
Oh, this is exciting, kelly.
My husband, my beloved, has abirthday Friday.
He's a little younger than I am, he's still in his 50s, but
anyway he has a birthday.
So we are flying up to Montanato see our oldest son and his
lovely family, mydaughter-in-law and my two
(01:28):
grandkiddos, and we're going tohang out over the weekend and
celebrate the birthday.
So I'm excited and then when Iget back, while y'all are
listening to this, I will be inIowa.
It's the back to school stufffor the university I teach for.
So we're going to get that doneand I have a new podcast I will
be starting in September.
It's for women over 50.
(01:50):
It's called Hotter After 50.
And it's a very spicy topic, soI'll be opening a Facebook page
for that and sending out somesocial media around that.
But stay tuned if you'reinterested.
I'm excited, all right, okay,professional helpers, this
podcast is dedicated topreventing and overcoming the
(02:11):
occupational hazards of thiscareer we chose, and those
hazards are burnout, compassion,fatigue and vicarious trauma.
It's a real deal, but I'm hereto give you interventions,
techniques, solutions so thatyou do not experience any of
those constructs.
(02:31):
So y'all in the helpingprofession, where stakes are
high, ethical responsibilitiesare immense, right, and the
well-being of others often restsin our hands.
The drive for excellence isunderstandable, even commendable
, but we want to do our verybest for our clients, our
(02:56):
patients, our students, ourcommunities.
This striving can push us tolearn more, refine our skills
and uphold the highest standards.
I know just this week I signedup for a couple of trainings
because I have some clients thatI think would really benefit
from some of these modalitiesand I'm trained in them, but I
(03:19):
want to get deeper into it.
So you know, internal familysystems, emdr just, I believe
we're never done.
I'm in my 60s but I'm stillgrowing and still learning and
we're driven in this field to dothat.
What happens when this healthystriving now it can be good, but
(03:39):
what happens when this healthystriving for excellent tips over
into rigid perfectionism?
Because that can happenAnything.
Rigid.
I want y'all to throw your earsup and go.
Rigid is not the place I wantto be.
What happens when the pursuit ofan impossible ideal leads us to
(04:02):
paralysis, to burnout, toself-criticism, and even impacts
the very people we aim to serve?
Today, we're going to explorethe nuanced nature of
perfectionism in the helpingprofessions.
We're going to distinguishhealthy striving from its more
(04:26):
debilitating counterpart anduncover the unique ways it
manifests in our roles and offerpractical strategies to
transform this double-edgedsword into a tool for
sustainable excellence.
Okay, so let's start byclarifying what we mean by
(04:48):
perfectionism, because it'scrucial to differentiate it from
healthy striving orconscientiousness.
So healthy striving, this isabout aiming high, working
diligently, you know, learningfrom our mistakes and finding
satisfaction in our effort andour progress.
(05:09):
Y'all, healthy striving isflexible, it's resilient and
it's growth-oriented.
Now let's look at perfectionism.
So, on the other hand,perfectionism is characterized
by unrealistically highstandards combined with critical
(05:31):
self-evaluation.
It's often driven by a fear offailure, a fear of judgment or a
need to prove one's worth.
It's rigid, unforgiving andfocuses on avoiding mistakes at
all costs rather than achievingexcellence, and y'all know we're
(05:54):
going to make mistakes To tryto avoid.
That is a huge waste of ourenergy and I think that leads to
that rigid piece.
I invite you to think of itthis way A healthy striver wants
to do well.
A perfectionist needs to beperfect to feel okay.
(06:15):
Say that again.
A healthy striver wants to dowell.
A perfectionist needs to beperfect to feel okay.
Just hear the different energyin those sentences, and I'll
stop with that.
Just hear.
One is a very jubilant,effervescent energy.
(06:38):
One is a very heavy, rigidenergy, rigid energy, and I
would just ask you to thinkabout why is perfectionism so
prevalent and often amplified inthe helping professions?
Well, like I tell you everyweek, I've done some research to
(06:58):
prepare this podcast.
So here's what my researchuncovered.
See if any of these resonatewith you.
So here's what my researchuncovered.
See if any of these resonatewith you.
First, high stakes and ethicalimperatives.
Right, we work with human livesand well-being.
The thought of making a mistakecan be terrifying, leading to
an intensified need for flawlessperformance.
(07:20):
Our ethical codes oftenemphasize competence and
beneficence, which can betwisted into a personal demand
for infallibility.
Next there's imposter syndrome.
I've heard a lot of my clients,a lot of people I've coached,
(07:41):
talk about this impostersyndrome.
A lot of my students oh, blesstheir hearts when they first get
out in the field talk aboutthis imposter syndrome.
A lot of my students oh, blesstheir hearts when they first get
out in the field talk aboutthis.
Many highly competentprofessionals secretly fear
they're not good enough.
Perfectionism becomes a copingmechanism.
If I'm perfect, no one willdiscover I'm a fraud.
(08:01):
Right, they're hiding behindthat perfectionism.
Discover I'm a fraud right,they're hiding behind that
perfectionism.
Third, we have ambiguity andcomplexity.
Our work is rarely black andwhite.
Wouldn't that be nice?
But no two clients have everpresented the same.
(08:22):
No two patients have everpresented the same.
There's lots of ambiguity inour work.
There are no perfect solutions.
This inherent ambiguity can bedeeply uncomfortable for a
perfectionist, you know, becausea perfectionist craves
certainty and control, becausereally, under it all,
perfectionism is about control,perfectionism is about control.
(08:46):
But this constant battle leadsto an endless reanalysis or
delayed action.
That's paralysis, you know youget in the analysis paralysis
piece and we have to be okaywith knowing that there's a lot
of gray area here.
We're going to make our bestinformed, professional decision
(09:06):
and move on from there.
Number four the desire to be theperfect helper.
We see ourselves as healers,supporters and guides.
The idea of being anything lessthan perfect in these roles can
feel like a personal failing ora betrayal of our clients and
(09:29):
y'all.
It's not.
We're human.
We are not superhumans.
We're humans and we're going tomake some mistakes and that's
why we stay in consultation,that's why we stay in
supervision, that's why we seektraining, that's why we continue
to learn.
But we have to accept thatwe're human.
(09:52):
Then number five is thatever-present and
never-feels-good externalvalidation.
See, early life experiences orprofessional training might have
subtly or overtly taught usthat our worth is tied to
flawless performance or externalapproval.
(10:14):
And it's not.
Your worth is tied to you andwhat you do it's from the inside
out, not from the outside in doit's from the inside out, not
from the outside in.
Number six is modelingunrealistic expectations.
Unintentionally, some trainingenvironments or supervisors
(10:34):
might perpetuate an unspokenexpectation of perfection, and
y'all this makes it harder fornew professionals to embrace a
more realistic approach.
I try so hard with my studentsor my associates, my LPC
associates to create a safeenvironment where they can make
(10:55):
mistakes.
In fact, I want them to makemistakes and feel like they can
learn from it instead of beingshamed by it.
And I don't know.
We all had that benefit as wewere being trained or even in
our childhood.
The impact of perfectionism,while initially appearing to
drive achievement, can beincredibly detrimental to both
(11:18):
the helper and all those that weserve.
Okay, so let's dive a littledeeper, looking at the helper
For the helper you're looking atburnout, and that's that.
Relentless pursuit ofperfection becomes exhausting,
just absolutely exhausting, andthis leads to chronic stress,
(11:40):
anxiety and eventual depletion.
The helper is going toexperience procrastination and
paralysis.
The fear of not doing somethingperfectly can prevent us from
even starting at all.
Then there's chronicself-criticism, a constant inner
voice tearing down efforts,which leads to low self-esteem
(12:05):
and even depression and fallingout of love with your job, with
your career, with your lifebecause you're so self-critical.
It also leads to that rigidityand lack of creativity because
there's a fear of makingmistakes and this stifles your
innovation and your adaptiveproblem solving.
(12:28):
That's one thing I love aboutthis profession.
I love to sit with my clientsand hear their story and my
creativity kicks in.
I start thinking aboutinnovative ways to address this
or that and ways to problemsolve, and it's just.
I think it's tremendously fun,but it can easily slide into
(12:51):
that rigidity and lack ofcreativity because we're being
too hard on ourselves.
And then for the helper,there's that impaired well-being
.
This is going to impact yoursleep, this is going to impact
your relationships and this isgoing to impact your overall
life satisfaction.
And helpers let's consider thisthrough the lens of our clients
(13:16):
slash patients.
There's going to be unrealisticexpectations.
A perfectionistic helper mightsubtly convey an expectation of
perfect client progress oradherence, which leads to our
clients feeling shame ordisengagement.
I know that's something I sitwith my clients at our intake
(13:40):
session we talk about.
You know it's going to getworse before it gets better and
there might be times where youfind yourself moving backwards
before you're going forward.
Anyway, I'm trying to create aspace for them to be less than
perfect, because we all are lessthan perfect and I never want
them to feel shamed if theydidn't do their homework, if
(14:00):
they made a bad decision knowingthey shouldn't have made it,
whatever it might be.
I do not want to putunrealistic expectations on my
clients and I know y'all don'teither on my clients and I know
y'all don't either.
For our clients there could bedifficulty with imperfection.
A helper who cannot toleratetheir own imperfections may
(14:21):
struggle to truly accept andwork with the client's struggles
and messiness.
I mean, check yourself on that.
We would not do it on purpose,but it is something to bring
into your awareness and think amI doing that?
Then there's lack ofauthenticity.
The helper might present aflawless facade, making it
(14:43):
difficult for clients to connecton a human level.
You know they want to see youmake mistakes.
They I mean not mistakes, it'sgoing to hurt them.
But to not have the answer, tostumble over something to.
I mean we don't want to beperfect perfect, I'm going to
try and say perfect robots.
We want to be very human withour clients.
That's where they connect withus and y'all know that's what
(15:05):
research says.
The biggest change agent we canprovide our clients is that
relationship where they feelsafe with us.
Then there could be delayedinterventions.
Because we're waiting for theperfect plan, we delay necessary
support.
I mean, it all is a chicken andthe egg kind of thing, but we
(15:33):
need to accept our ownimperfections so we can approach
our imperfect clients and behuman with them and help them
even in a greater capacity.
So, y'all, how do we navigatethis double-edged sword?
How can we retain our drive forexcellence without succumbing
to the debilitatingperfectionism?
Good news, I've got a fewstrategies for you.
(15:55):
Okay, again, I researched theseand I found a plethora, but I
narrowed it down to about nine,I believe.
So, okay, alrighty.
So first, we're going todifferentiate striving from
perfectionism.
So consciously ask yourself isthis pursuit driven by a genuine
(16:17):
desire to learn and grow or bya fear of inadequacy?
Is my standard realistic andflexible, or am I being rigid
and unforgiving?
Second, you want to embracegood enough, and good enough is
(16:37):
often excellent.
Recognize that a well-executed,timely and effective
intervention is often far morehelpful than a delayed,
perfectly crafted one.
You want to strive for impact,not just for flawlessness.
And next number three, you wantto redefine failure as feedback
(17:02):
.
I love this one.
Mistakes are inevitable andy'all know it, you've lived it,
you've been around the block atime or two.
In complex human work, mistakesare inevitable.
So instead of seeing them asevidence of your inadequacy, I
invite you to view them as avaluable data point for learning
(17:25):
and refining your approach.
What can you learn from this?
How can you adjust next time?
Some of my best play therapyinterventions have come about
from this.
The first time I introducedthem, perhaps they bombed, or
maybe they didn't completelybomb, but it's like oh, the
energy wasn't just right.
(17:45):
So I went back in and refinedand does it work?
Perfect all the time?
No, but I'm willing to learnfrom those mistakes.
Take that as a data point.
Next, you want to practiceself-compassion.
I think I have a whole podcaston this if you search back
through my podcasts.
(18:06):
When the inner critic ofperfectionism arises, we want to
deliberately counter that withkindness and understanding.
Speak to yourself as you woulda struggling colleague or client
.
I like to kind of pat my cheeksbecause I know it releases a
little oxytocin, helps me calmjust a little bit.
Or maybe I do a little EFT,where you tap on a nerve center
(18:31):
and I say to myself it's okay tobe human.
I'm tapping, that's why thatvibrated.
It's okay to be human, girl,you're doing the best you can.
This is a learning opportunityand I believe y'all I like to
say my name, julie.
It's okay to be human, julie,you're doing your best.
That awakes your amygdala.
(18:54):
She's here, she is going to goooh, you're talking to me and
your brain is going to wake upand take that information in
better.
Five, you want to set realisticgoals and minimum viable product
mentality.
Minimum viable productmentality.
So what does that mean For newprojects or interventions?
(19:17):
Define what done looks like,y'all, even if it's just a first
draft or a foundational step.
This combats procrastination.
I would say to any graduatestudents I have listening or doc
students write the firstparagraph, outline that thing,
or just any.
I know I have a new book comingout.
(19:38):
I mean, I'm in the process ofwriting it, but I sat down.
I had to outline the thing thatgets me out of procrastination
and into action.
That can happen for anythingDoing your notes, for anything
Doing your notes.
Six, you want to seek supportivesupervision and peer
(19:59):
consultation.
You want to create safe spaces,y'all, where you can openly
discuss your challenges, whereyou can seek feedback without
that fear of judgment.
This helps you gain perspectiveon what excellence truly means
in a practical, sustainable way.
(20:30):
If you don't have a supervisor,find one.
Join a group.
I know a gal I was on the boardwith the Texas Association for
Play Therapy.
She's got a group that shemeets with weekly out in Dallas,
just for peer support and justto grow.
It doesn't cost a thing, it'sjust peer support.
Find something like that.
Join that.
Model imperfection ethically asappropriate.
(20:54):
Allow yourself to be human infront of your clients, of course
within professional boundaries,but this can model resilience
for your clients, vulnerabilityand realistic nature of growth.
Think appropriateself-disclosure.
I know, as we've been trained,there's a time and place.
I'm thinking y'all.
(21:14):
There's a time and place forself-disclosure all day, every
day.
Hell, no, that's not what I'mtalking about.
If there's a little piece ofyou you can share, that's going
to help connect with that clientand that client see you.
Model imperfection in anethical way.
That is being a good therapist,that's helping others.
(21:38):
Again, we know why we'resharing.
We know how it fits thetreatment goal.
We know where we're going withit.
We're not just out thererambling about ourselves.
But I believe this model ofimperfection is good for us.
We take ourselves way tooserious at times and it's good
(21:58):
for your client.
It's good for your client too.
Okay, so number eight we'realmost done with these.
We want to prioritize processover outcomes.
Sometimes, while outcomesmatter, focus also on the
quality of your effort, yourcommitment to the client and
(22:19):
your ethical process.
Not every outcome matters, notevery outcome is solely within
our control.
Right, and then we want topractice mindful self-awareness.
I have several podcasts on this.
(22:41):
I think this one's veryimportant.
And remember, we're stillworking on our crown chakra.
We're trying to balance thiscrown chakra so we can be the
most evolved human we can become.
Right, think of Maslow'spyramid.
We're trying to self-actualize,get to the top.
But number nine is practicemindful self-awareness.
(23:02):
So you want to pay attention tothe physical and emotional cues
of perfectionism.
You know, for me there's ananxiety that just overwhelms my
solar plexus.
Maybe for you it's tension.
Maybe you start overthinking,maybe it leads to
procrastination.
When you notice these things,whatever it might be, for you
(23:22):
and y'all it might take somegood old body scans and a hot
minute to get in touch with that.
How does perfectionism impactme?
What am I walking around withhere?
When you have them identifiedand you notice them, you pause
and consciously shift your focusto what is good enough or the
next small step.
(23:43):
See, navigating perfectionismis an ongoing journey, but one
that is profoundly liberating soliberating, I always say I'm, I
think a 12 step, but I'm inrecovery.
I'm a recovering perfectionist.
(24:04):
By transforming y'all therelentless pursuit of an
impossible ideal to a flexiblestriving for excellence, you're
not only going to protect yourown well-being, but also become
more authentic and resilient andeffective as a helper for those
who need you most.
Remember, your immense value asa professional lies not in your
(24:28):
flawlessness, that's not whereit is.
It's in your humanity, yourdedication and your willingness
to grow.
Okay, my quick commercial, then.
We're going to move to ouractivity.
I really invite you tosubscribe to my email list.
I would love for y'all to begetting this email I make for
(24:50):
you each.
I create for you each week.
I'd love for it to be landingin your inbox.
I create a PDF of the activitywe're about to do and I also
give you a link to the podcastepisode each week.
All you have to do is hop onover to wwwjuliemerrimanphdcom
(25:11):
and sign up for my email list.
There's some fun things over onthe website actually.
I hope you take a look.
Okay.
So the activity this week I havenamed Taming the Perfect Beast,
a self-compassion action plan,and y'all.
I designed this activity tohelp you actively engage with
(25:34):
the concepts from this episodeof Soul Joy.
Through guided reflection andpractical planning, you're going
to pinpoint how perfectionismmanifests in your work and
develop compassionate strategiesto shift towards a healthier
striving, which is our goal.
We're not perfectionistic, weare a healthy striver.
(25:54):
That's a t-shirt I think weshould make.
Okay.
So step one you know, listen tothis and you can think it
through as you're in the car,but when you get home, if
there's something in here thatreally tweaks your interest, I
invite you to re-listen to thepodcast and identify your
(26:16):
perfectionism profile so you'dfind a quiet space where you can
focus without interruption andre-listen to me talking to you
right now or as you're drivingin your car or walking.
I usually walk as I listen,whatever you do you.
But I invite you to pay closeattention to the descriptions of
(26:37):
perfectionism versus healthystriving and its common
manifestations.
I want you to identify two tothree specific ways
perfectionism shows up for youin your professional role, or
maybe in your personal role.
Think about behaviorsprocrastination, over-preparing,
(27:00):
redoing tasks, difficultydelegating, never feeling done.
I've lived every one of those.
Oh, yes, I have.
So there's behaviors andthere's thoughts.
It has to be perfect.
If I make a mistake, I'm afailure.
What will they think Then?
(27:21):
Feelings?
Oh, cbt model there right.
Constant anxiety, fear ofjudgment and you become
exhausted.
Or there's some shame after aperceived error.
So this might look like.
Here's some examples.
I spend hours refining notes,even when they're already
complete.
I delay starting complexprojects because I don't know
(27:46):
the perfect way to begin.
I get anxious when I receiveany constructive feedback.
I feel like I've failed.
None of those feel good.
But step one you are identifyingyour perfectionism profile.
Then, step two, you're going toassess the impact For each
(28:07):
manifestation of perfectionismyou identified, explore its
impact on your well-being andyour professional effectiveness.
So I invite you to consider theimpact on you.
The helper Is there?
Burnout Is there?
Criticism, missed opportunities, reduced joy.
And then the impact on yourclients Delayed support,
(28:38):
unrealistic expectations,reduced spontaneity, less
authentic presence.
And then you move to step threeself-compassion and reframe
practice.
You choose one of theperfectionistic tendencies from
step one that you want toaddress and spend a few minutes
doing a quick self-compassionpractice.
Bring to mind this specificperfectionistic thought or
(28:59):
feeling.
Place a hand over your heart,offer yourself words of kindness
and understanding, like youwould a very dear friend or your
children.
You tell yourself and picturethis with your hand over your
heart.
This is hard.
It's okay to feel this fear.
You're human and you're doingyour best.
(29:21):
You want to try to reframe atypical perfectionistic failure
statement into feedback forgrowth or a feedback for growth
statement, so that might looklike I messed up that session.
I'm a bad therapist.
Reframe that session waschallenging and I learned
(29:41):
something valuable aboutnavigating X.
I can adjust for that next time.
You write down your chosen oldthought and its new reframe and
then the last step, my healthy,striving action plan.
You choose one strategy from thepodcast or when you brainstorm,
(30:04):
from step three and you committo implementing in the next week
to counter your perfectionism.
So you write down your specificaction plan, which I love I
know I do this a lot, but youinclude the specific strategy
and then the action Embrace the80% rule for drafting emails, or
(30:28):
maybe define the next smallestaction for a delayed project, or
practice self-compassion afterany perceived mistake.
And then your very concrete howand where You're going to apply
this and then your commitment.
You write a brief statement toyourself, your name, a little
statement, your signature, toreaffirm your intention to take
(30:55):
this step because you, my dearmy friend, are worth the effort.
Okay, so that's all for thisepisode of Soul Joy.
Thank you so much for doingthis vital work and for being
willing to examine thesecomplexities of our own
experience.
Until next time, embrace yourexcellence, release the need for
(31:19):
perfection and keep thrivingthrough your helping role.
Subscribe to my podcast, leavea review to help me reach more
people and until next time, takecare of you.
Hey y'all, I'm Dr Julie Merriman and welcome to
SoulJoy.
Today we're still looking atthe crown chakra by tackling a
pervasive trait that can feellike both a superpower and a
significant burden for many ofus perfectionism, because, y'all
, this is a very necessarycomponent of holistic,
(00:22):
sustainable self-care, alsoknown as wellness.
All right, hello, welcome,welcome.
I appreciate y'all taking aminute to hang out with me as we
talk about I think this is areally important topic
(00:44):
perfectionism.
I cannot think of a client I'veworked with.
Well, that's not true.
I can probably think of one ortwo clients over the years.
My invitation there is thatthis is a very pervasive topic
perfectionism getting in the wayof our happiness.
But before we get there, quickmoment about home chat.
(01:05):
Let's see.
Oh, this is exciting, kelly.
My husband, my beloved, has abirthday Friday.
He's a little younger than I am, he's still in his 50s, but
anyway he has a birthday.
So we are flying up to Montanato see our oldest son and his
lovely family, mydaughter-in-law and my two
(01:28):
grandkiddos, and we're going tohang out over the weekend and
celebrate the birthday.
So I'm excited and then when Iget back, while y'all are
listening to this, I will be inIowa.
It's the back to school stufffor the university I teach for.
So we're going to get that doneand I have a new podcast I will
be starting in September.
It's for women over 50.
(01:50):
It's called Hotter After 50.
And it's a very spicy topic, soI'll be opening a Facebook page
for that and sending out somesocial media around that.
But stay tuned if you'reinterested.
I'm excited, all right, okay,professional helpers, this
podcast is dedicated topreventing and overcoming the
(02:11):
occupational hazards of thiscareer we chose, and those
hazards are burnout, compassion,fatigue and vicarious trauma.
It's a real deal, but I'm hereto give you interventions,
techniques, solutions so thatyou do not experience any of
those constructs.
(02:31):
So y'all in the helpingprofession, where stakes are
high, ethical responsibilitiesare immense, right, and the
well-being of others often restsin our hands.
The drive for excellence isunderstandable, even commendable
, but we want to do our verybest for our clients, our
(02:56):
patients, our students, ourcommunities.
This striving can push us tolearn more, refine our skills
and uphold the highest standards.
I know just this week I signedup for a couple of trainings
because I have some clients thatI think would really benefit
from some of these modalitiesand I'm trained in them, but I
(03:19):
want to get deeper into it.
So you know, internal familysystems, emdr just, I believe
we're never done.
I'm in my 60s but I'm stillgrowing and still learning and
we're driven in this field to dothat.
What happens when this healthystriving now it can be good, but
(03:39):
what happens when this healthystriving for excellent tips over
into rigid perfectionism?
Because that can happenAnything.
Rigid.
I want y'all to throw your earsup and go.
Rigid is not the place I wantto be.
What happens when the pursuit ofan impossible ideal leads us to
(04:02):
paralysis, to burnout, toself-criticism, and even impacts
the very people we aim to serve?
Today, we're going to explorethe nuanced nature of
perfectionism in the helpingprofessions.
We're going to distinguishhealthy striving from its more
(04:26):
debilitating counterpart anduncover the unique ways it
manifests in our roles and offerpractical strategies to
transform this double-edgedsword into a tool for
sustainable excellence.
Okay, so let's start byclarifying what we mean by
(04:48):
perfectionism, because it'scrucial to differentiate it from
healthy striving orconscientiousness.
So healthy striving, this isabout aiming high, working
diligently, you know, learningfrom our mistakes and finding
satisfaction in our effort andour progress.
(05:09):
Y'all, healthy striving isflexible, it's resilient and
it's growth-oriented.
Now let's look at perfectionism.
So, on the other hand,perfectionism is characterized
by unrealistically highstandards combined with critical
(05:31):
self-evaluation.
It's often driven by a fear offailure, a fear of judgment or a
need to prove one's worth.
It's rigid, unforgiving andfocuses on avoiding mistakes at
all costs rather than achievingexcellence, and y'all know we're
(05:54):
going to make mistakes To tryto avoid.
That is a huge waste of ourenergy and I think that leads to
that rigid piece.
I invite you to think of itthis way A healthy striver wants
to do well.
A perfectionist needs to beperfect to feel okay.
(06:15):
Say that again.
A healthy striver wants to dowell.
A perfectionist needs to beperfect to feel okay.
Just hear the different energyin those sentences, and I'll
stop with that.
Just hear.
One is a very jubilant,effervescent energy.
(06:38):
One is a very heavy, rigidenergy, rigid energy, and I
would just ask you to thinkabout why is perfectionism so
prevalent and often amplified inthe helping professions?
Well, like I tell you everyweek, I've done some research to
(06:58):
prepare this podcast.
So here's what my researchuncovered.
See if any of these resonatewith you.
So here's what my researchuncovered.
See if any of these resonatewith you.
First, high stakes and ethicalimperatives.
Right, we work with human livesand well-being.
The thought of making a mistakecan be terrifying, leading to
an intensified need for flawlessperformance.
(07:20):
Our ethical codes oftenemphasize competence and
beneficence, which can betwisted into a personal demand
for infallibility.
Next there's imposter syndrome.
I've heard a lot of my clients,a lot of people I've coached,
(07:41):
talk about this impostersyndrome.
A lot of my students oh, blesstheir hearts when they first get
out in the field talk aboutthis imposter syndrome.
A lot of my students oh, blesstheir hearts when they first get
out in the field talk aboutthis.
Many highly competentprofessionals secretly fear
they're not good enough.
Perfectionism becomes a copingmechanism.
If I'm perfect, no one willdiscover I'm a fraud.
(08:01):
Right, they're hiding behindthat perfectionism.
Discover I'm a fraud right,they're hiding behind that
perfectionism.
Third, we have ambiguity andcomplexity.
Our work is rarely black andwhite.
Wouldn't that be nice?
But no two clients have everpresented the same.
(08:22):
No two patients have everpresented the same.
There's lots of ambiguity inour work.
There are no perfect solutions.
This inherent ambiguity can bedeeply uncomfortable for a
perfectionist, you know, becausea perfectionist craves
certainty and control, becausereally, under it all,
perfectionism is about control,perfectionism is about control.
(08:46):
But this constant battle leadsto an endless reanalysis or
delayed action.
That's paralysis, you know youget in the analysis paralysis
piece and we have to be okaywith knowing that there's a lot
of gray area here.
We're going to make our bestinformed, professional decision
(09:06):
and move on from there.
Number four the desire to be theperfect helper.
We see ourselves as healers,supporters and guides.
The idea of being anything lessthan perfect in these roles can
feel like a personal failing ora betrayal of our clients and
(09:29):
y'all.
It's not.
We're human.
We are not superhumans.
We're humans and we're going tomake some mistakes and that's
why we stay in consultation,that's why we stay in
supervision, that's why we seektraining, that's why we continue
to learn.
But we have to accept thatwe're human.
(09:52):
Then number five is thatever-present and
never-feels-good externalvalidation.
See, early life experiences orprofessional training might have
subtly or overtly taught usthat our worth is tied to
flawless performance or externalapproval.
(10:14):
And it's not.
Your worth is tied to you andwhat you do it's from the inside
out, not from the outside in doit's from the inside out, not
from the outside in.
Number six is modelingunrealistic expectations.
Unintentionally, some trainingenvironments or supervisors
(10:34):
might perpetuate an unspokenexpectation of perfection, and
y'all this makes it harder fornew professionals to embrace a
more realistic approach.
I try so hard with my studentsor my associates, my LPC
associates to create a safeenvironment where they can make
(10:55):
mistakes.
In fact, I want them to makemistakes and feel like they can
learn from it instead of beingshamed by it.
And I don't know.
We all had that benefit as wewere being trained or even in
our childhood.
The impact of perfectionism,while initially appearing to
drive achievement, can beincredibly detrimental to both
(11:18):
the helper and all those that weserve.
Okay, so let's dive a littledeeper, looking at the helper
For the helper you're looking atburnout, and that's that.
Relentless pursuit ofperfection becomes exhausting,
just absolutely exhausting, andthis leads to chronic stress,
(11:40):
anxiety and eventual depletion.
The helper is going toexperience procrastination and
paralysis.
The fear of not doing somethingperfectly can prevent us from
even starting at all.
Then there's chronicself-criticism, a constant inner
voice tearing down efforts,which leads to low self-esteem
(12:05):
and even depression and fallingout of love with your job, with
your career, with your lifebecause you're so self-critical.
It also leads to that rigidityand lack of creativity because
there's a fear of makingmistakes and this stifles your
innovation and your adaptiveproblem solving.
(12:28):
That's one thing I love aboutthis profession.
I love to sit with my clientsand hear their story and my
creativity kicks in.
I start thinking aboutinnovative ways to address this
or that and ways to problemsolve, and it's just.
I think it's tremendously fun,but it can easily slide into
(12:51):
that rigidity and lack ofcreativity because we're being
too hard on ourselves.
And then for the helper,there's that impaired well-being
.
This is going to impact yoursleep, this is going to impact
your relationships and this isgoing to impact your overall
life satisfaction.
And helpers let's consider thisthrough the lens of our clients
(13:16):
slash patients.
There's going to be unrealisticexpectations.
A perfectionistic helper mightsubtly convey an expectation of
perfect client progress oradherence, which leads to our
clients feeling shame ordisengagement.
I know that's something I sitwith my clients at our intake
(13:40):
session we talk about.
You know it's going to getworse before it gets better and
there might be times where youfind yourself moving backwards
before you're going forward.
Anyway, I'm trying to create aspace for them to be less than
perfect, because we all are lessthan perfect and I never want
them to feel shamed if theydidn't do their homework, if
(14:00):
they made a bad decision knowingthey shouldn't have made it,
whatever it might be.
I do not want to putunrealistic expectations on my
clients and I know y'all don'teither on my clients and I know
y'all don't either.
For our clients there could bedifficulty with imperfection.
A helper who cannot toleratetheir own imperfections may
(14:21):
struggle to truly accept andwork with the client's struggles
and messiness.
I mean, check yourself on that.
We would not do it on purpose,but it is something to bring
into your awareness and think amI doing that?
Then there's lack ofauthenticity.
The helper might present aflawless facade, making it
(14:43):
difficult for clients to connecton a human level.
You know they want to see youmake mistakes.
They I mean not mistakes, it'sgoing to hurt them.
But to not have the answer, tostumble over something to.
I mean we don't want to beperfect perfect, I'm going to
try and say perfect robots.
We want to be very human withour clients.
That's where they connect withus and y'all know that's what
(15:05):
research says.
The biggest change agent we canprovide our clients is that
relationship where they feelsafe with us.
Then there could be delayedinterventions.
Because we're waiting for theperfect plan, we delay necessary
support.
I mean, it all is a chicken andthe egg kind of thing, but we
(15:33):
need to accept our ownimperfections so we can approach
our imperfect clients and behuman with them and help them
even in a greater capacity.
So, y'all, how do we navigatethis double-edged sword?
How can we retain our drive forexcellence without succumbing
to the debilitatingperfectionism?
Good news, I've got a fewstrategies for you.
(15:55):
Okay, again, I researched theseand I found a plethora, but I
narrowed it down to about nine,I believe.
So, okay, alrighty.
So first, we're going todifferentiate striving from
perfectionism.
So consciously ask yourself isthis pursuit driven by a genuine
(16:17):
desire to learn and grow or bya fear of inadequacy?
Is my standard realistic andflexible, or am I being rigid
and unforgiving?
Second, you want to embracegood enough, and good enough is
(16:37):
often excellent.
Recognize that a well-executed,timely and effective
intervention is often far morehelpful than a delayed,
perfectly crafted one.
You want to strive for impact,not just for flawlessness.
And next number three, you wantto redefine failure as feedback
(17:02):
.
I love this one.
Mistakes are inevitable andy'all know it, you've lived it,
you've been around the block atime or two.
In complex human work, mistakesare inevitable.
So instead of seeing them asevidence of your inadequacy, I
invite you to view them as avaluable data point for learning
(17:25):
and refining your approach.
What can you learn from this?
How can you adjust next time?
Some of my best play therapyinterventions have come about
from this.
The first time I introducedthem, perhaps they bombed, or
maybe they didn't completelybomb, but it's like oh, the
energy wasn't just right.
(17:45):
So I went back in and refinedand does it work?
Perfect all the time?
No, but I'm willing to learnfrom those mistakes.
Take that as a data point.
Next, you want to practiceself-compassion.
I think I have a whole podcaston this if you search back
through my podcasts.
(18:06):
When the inner critic ofperfectionism arises, we want to
deliberately counter that withkindness and understanding.
Speak to yourself as you woulda struggling colleague or client
.
I like to kind of pat my cheeksbecause I know it releases a
little oxytocin, helps me calmjust a little bit.
Or maybe I do a little EFT,where you tap on a nerve center
(18:31):
and I say to myself it's okay tobe human.
I'm tapping, that's why thatvibrated.
It's okay to be human, girl,you're doing the best you can.
This is a learning opportunityand I believe y'all I like to
say my name, julie.
It's okay to be human, julie,you're doing your best.
That awakes your amygdala.
(18:54):
She's here, she is going to goooh, you're talking to me and
your brain is going to wake upand take that information in
better.
Five, you want to set realisticgoals and minimum viable product
mentality.
Minimum viable productmentality.
So what does that mean For newprojects or interventions?
(19:17):
Define what done looks like,y'all, even if it's just a first
draft or a foundational step.
This combats procrastination.
I would say to any graduatestudents I have listening or doc
students write the firstparagraph, outline that thing,
or just any.
I know I have a new book comingout.
(19:38):
I mean, I'm in the process ofwriting it, but I sat down.
I had to outline the thing thatgets me out of procrastination
and into action.
That can happen for anythingDoing your notes, for anything
Doing your notes.
Six, you want to seek supportivesupervision and peer
(19:59):
consultation.
You want to create safe spaces,y'all, where you can openly
discuss your challenges, whereyou can seek feedback without
that fear of judgment.
This helps you gain perspectiveon what excellence truly means
in a practical, sustainable way.
(20:30):
If you don't have a supervisor,find one.
Join a group.
I know a gal I was on the boardwith the Texas Association for
Play Therapy.
She's got a group that shemeets with weekly out in Dallas,
just for peer support and justto grow.
It doesn't cost a thing, it'sjust peer support.
Find something like that.
Join that.
Model imperfection ethically asappropriate.
(20:54):
Allow yourself to be human infront of your clients, of course
within professional boundaries,but this can model resilience
for your clients, vulnerabilityand realistic nature of growth.
Think appropriateself-disclosure.
I know, as we've been trained,there's a time and place.
I'm thinking y'all.
(21:14):
There's a time and place forself-disclosure all day, every
day.
Hell, no, that's not what I'mtalking about.
If there's a little piece ofyou you can share, that's going
to help connect with that clientand that client see you.
Model imperfection in anethical way.
That is being a good therapist,that's helping others.
(21:38):
Again, we know why we'resharing.
We know how it fits thetreatment goal.
We know where we're going withit.
We're not just out thererambling about ourselves.
But I believe this model ofimperfection is good for us.
We take ourselves way tooserious at times and it's good
(21:58):
for your client.
It's good for your client too.
Okay, so number eight we'realmost done with these.
We want to prioritize processover outcomes.
Sometimes, while outcomesmatter, focus also on the
quality of your effort, yourcommitment to the client and
(22:19):
your ethical process.
Not every outcome matters, notevery outcome is solely within
our control.
Right, and then we want topractice mindful self-awareness.
I have several podcasts on this.
(22:41):
I think this one's veryimportant.
And remember, we're stillworking on our crown chakra.
We're trying to balance thiscrown chakra so we can be the
most evolved human we can become.
Right, think of Maslow'spyramid.
We're trying to self-actualize,get to the top.
But number nine is practicemindful self-awareness.
(23:02):
So you want to pay attention tothe physical and emotional cues
of perfectionism.
You know, for me there's ananxiety that just overwhelms my
solar plexus.
Maybe for you it's tension.
Maybe you start overthinking,maybe it leads to
procrastination.
When you notice these things,whatever it might be, for you
(23:22):
and y'all it might take somegood old body scans and a hot
minute to get in touch with that.
How does perfectionism impactme?
What am I walking around withhere?
When you have them identifiedand you notice them, you pause
and consciously shift your focusto what is good enough or the
next small step.
(23:43):
See, navigating perfectionismis an ongoing journey, but one
that is profoundly liberating soliberating, I always say I'm, I
think a 12 step, but I'm inrecovery.
I'm a recovering perfectionist.
(24:04):
By transforming y'all therelentless pursuit of an
impossible ideal to a flexiblestriving for excellence, you're
not only going to protect yourown well-being, but also become
more authentic and resilient andeffective as a helper for those
who need you most.
Remember, your immense value asa professional lies not in your
(24:28):
flawlessness, that's not whereit is.
It's in your humanity, yourdedication and your willingness
to grow.
Okay, my quick commercial, then.
We're going to move to ouractivity.
I really invite you tosubscribe to my email list.
I would love for y'all to begetting this email I make for
(24:50):
you each.
I create for you each week.
I'd love for it to be landingin your inbox.
I create a PDF of the activitywe're about to do and I also
give you a link to the podcastepisode each week.
All you have to do is hop onover to wwwjuliemerrimanphdcom
(25:11):
and sign up for my email list.
There's some fun things over onthe website actually.
I hope you take a look.
Okay.
So the activity this week I havenamed Taming the Perfect Beast,
a self-compassion action plan,and y'all.
I designed this activity tohelp you actively engage with
(25:34):
the concepts from this episodeof Soul Joy.
Through guided reflection andpractical planning, you're going
to pinpoint how perfectionismmanifests in your work and
develop compassionate strategiesto shift towards a healthier
striving, which is our goal.
We're not perfectionistic, weare a healthy striver.
(25:54):
That's a t-shirt I think weshould make.
Okay.
So step one you know, listen tothis and you can think it
through as you're in the car,but when you get home, if
there's something in here thatreally tweaks your interest, I
invite you to re-listen to thepodcast and identify your
(26:16):
perfectionism profile so you'dfind a quiet space where you can
focus without interruption andre-listen to me talking to you
right now or as you're drivingin your car or walking.
I usually walk as I listen,whatever you do you.
But I invite you to pay closeattention to the descriptions of
(26:37):
perfectionism versus healthystriving and its common
manifestations.
I want you to identify two tothree specific ways
perfectionism shows up for youin your professional role, or
maybe in your personal role.
Think about behaviorsprocrastination, over-preparing,
(27:00):
redoing tasks, difficultydelegating, never feeling done.
I've lived every one of those.
Oh, yes, I have.
So there's behaviors andthere's thoughts.
It has to be perfect.
If I make a mistake, I'm afailure.
What will they think Then?
(27:21):
Feelings?
Oh, cbt model there right.
Constant anxiety, fear ofjudgment and you become
exhausted.
Or there's some shame after aperceived error.
So this might look like.
Here's some examples.
I spend hours refining notes,even when they're already
complete.
I delay starting complexprojects because I don't know
(27:46):
the perfect way to begin.
I get anxious when I receiveany constructive feedback.
I feel like I've failed.
None of those feel good.
But step one you are identifyingyour perfectionism profile.
Then, step two, you're going toassess the impact For each
(28:07):
manifestation of perfectionismyou identified, explore its
impact on your well-being andyour professional effectiveness.
So I invite you to consider theimpact on you.
The helper Is there?
Burnout Is there?
Criticism, missed opportunities, reduced joy.
And then the impact on yourclients Delayed support,
(28:38):
unrealistic expectations,reduced spontaneity, less
authentic presence.
And then you move to step threeself-compassion and reframe
practice.
You choose one of theperfectionistic tendencies from
step one that you want toaddress and spend a few minutes
doing a quick self-compassionpractice.
Bring to mind this specificperfectionistic thought or
(28:59):
feeling.
Place a hand over your heart,offer yourself words of kindness
and understanding, like youwould a very dear friend or your
children.
You tell yourself and picturethis with your hand over your
heart.
This is hard.
It's okay to feel this fear.
You're human and you're doingyour best.
(29:21):
You want to try to reframe atypical perfectionistic failure
statement into feedback forgrowth or a feedback for growth
statement, so that might looklike I messed up that session.
I'm a bad therapist.
Reframe that session waschallenging and I learned
(29:41):
something valuable aboutnavigating X.
I can adjust for that next time.
You write down your chosen oldthought and its new reframe and
then the last step, my healthy,striving action plan.
You choose one strategy from thepodcast or when you brainstorm,
(30:04):
from step three and you committo implementing in the next week
to counter your perfectionism.
So you write down your specificaction plan, which I love I
know I do this a lot, but youinclude the specific strategy
and then the action Embrace the80% rule for drafting emails, or
(30:28):
maybe define the next smallestaction for a delayed project, or
practice self-compassion afterany perceived mistake.
And then your very concrete howand where You're going to apply
this and then your commitment.
You write a brief statement toyourself, your name, a little
statement, your signature, toreaffirm your intention to take
(30:55):
this step because you, my dearmy friend, are worth the effort.
Okay, so that's all for thisepisode of Soul Joy.
Thank you so much for doingthis vital work and for being
willing to examine thesecomplexities of our own
experience.
Until next time, embrace yourexcellence, release the need for
(31:19):
perfection and keep thrivingthrough your helping role.
Subscribe to my podcast, leavea review to help me reach more
people and until next time, takecare of you.
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