April 14, 2025 • 24 mins
The most foundational relationship in your life isn't with your partner, friends, or family—it's with yourself. In this deeply personal exploration, I reveal how the relentless self-judgment that once dominated my thoughts became the catalyst for understanding the profound importance of "holding space" for ourselves.
Many of us live in a state of perpetual self-criticism, mentally flagellating ourselves over every perceived misstep or imperfect interaction. This harsh internal dialogue creates a prison of self-loathing that makes it impossible to show up authentically in our relationships or work. Drawing from my own experience with burnout and compassion fatigue, I share how learning to create a kind, curious internal environment transformed not just my relationship with myself, but every aspect of my life.
The heart chakra—the energy center governing all relationships—requires special attention when building this practice. Through practical techniques like body scanning, mindful awareness, and self-compassion exercises, you'll discover how to identify when your heart energy feels contracted or heavy and how to expand it through intentional self-acceptance. You'll learn to recognize when you're spiraling into judgment and how to gently redirect yourself toward curiosity instead.
Perhaps most powerfully, this practice enables you to speak your truth without the days of subsequent regret and rumination that many of us experience. When we hold compassionate space for ourselves, we gain the confidence to express our authentic perspectives without apology—recognizing that our unique truth is valuable regardless of others' reception.
Whether you're struggling with perfectionism, burnout, or simply want to cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself, these approaches to self-acceptance will help you create an internal environment where healing and growth can flourish. Download this week's companion PDF at JulieMerrimanPhD.com and begin transforming your relationship with yourself today.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey y'all, I'm Dr Julie Merriman and welcome to
SoulJoy.
So today we're talking about apretty sexy topic, I think, and
that is holding space for you.
We're moving from the solarplexus chakra to the heart
chakra, where all yourrelationships are ruled.
(00:21):
Having a good relationship withyourself is a necessary
component of holistic,sustainable self-care, also
known as wellness.
Okay, how are y'all doing today?
First, I really want y'all toknow how much I appreciate you
hanging out with me for a hotminute while we talk about this
(00:43):
sexy topic of holding space foryourself.
Here at the Merriman House, weare finishing up on the bath
remodel.
I'm going to be very pleasedwith that.
It's marble and light and justbeautiful in there.
So I'm excited about that.
And as soon as I get that done,I'm going to start on my
beloved husband's bathroom.
(01:04):
That will be a major remodel.
I'm just going to do somepainting in there and I redid
the pictures and new showercurtain and such, but it'll be a
refresh and then I'm done.
I'm going to move from thehouse and go out to my gardens.
It's springtime and I can'twait.
We've got a few vegetablesplanted, but I can't wait to get
everything planted.
(01:25):
So anyway, I'm excited to seethat all done and I'm also
excited to get to hold space foryou and share some of this
information with you today.
So, okay, professional helpersand really y'all this is for
everyone, not just professionalhelpers, but if you are a
professional helper, I havededicated this podcast to
(01:47):
helping prevent and overcome theoccupational hazards of our
career, specifically burnout,compassion, fatigue and
vicarious trauma.
So today we're going to talkabout holding space for me,
which I really consider to be anuber important topic, and it
(02:08):
really helps us to have goodrelationships with others when
we can have a good relationshipwith ourselves.
So we have to start withunderstanding how to hold space
for us and then it justtransfers over to others once we
build those neural pathways,and then it just transfers over
to others once we build thoseneural pathways and y'all.
Through my crash and burn, whenI was highly impacted by burnout
(02:30):
and compassion fatigue, Ilearned truly learned the
importance of unconditionallyaccepting myself.
I lived in such judgment ofmyself I mean I couldn't say a
sentence to someone where Ididn't get in the car or go to
my office and overthink andperseverate on oh, that was
(02:51):
stupid.
Why would I say it like that?
Why didn't I say it like this,or I mean it was just, I just
beat myself up all the time.
I was really ugly to me, mystandards were unrealistically
high and, like I said, I justbeat the hell out of myself all
the time needlessly, needlessly,and it was no fun.
(03:12):
If you've ever experienced that, you know it's no fun.
I was living in a space ofself-loathing for some reason,
but I think it was because I wasso burned out.
But I think it was because Iwas so burned out I just didn't
have the energy to really stepback and be self-aware and
(03:32):
really understand what I wasdoing to myself.
I had to deeply explore whereall this self-loathing had come
from, and why did therelationship with myself form in
such a manner?
Was it always there or was itsomething that impacted me later
in life?
I really go deep into this in mybook In Pursuit of Soul Joy,
(03:54):
and so I really I highlyencourage you to grab a copy of
that.
If you really, if this isresonating with you and you're
like man, I struggle to holdkind space Maybe I should put
that qualifier in there you wantto hold kind space for yourself
.
But again, I go into that.
I think I have a good chapterof that in for yourself.
(04:21):
So when we think about holdingspace for ourself, it's
important to know, as I said amoment ago, the qualifier is
kind.
This needs to be a safe spaceof non-judgment, and I speak
(04:46):
about the importance of notjudging ourself a lot.
But y'all, I speak of that alot because it's true, when
we're sitting there talking crapabout ourself, judging ourself,
just making ourself miserablewith the way we're treating
ourself ourselves, how do weshow up in life?
I mean, how we don't show up inlife as our best and we're on,
(05:10):
we're not living in a spacethat's our best because we've
created this chaos.
When we are holding space forourselves, this is a space
that's full of love andcuriosity.
It's full of positive talk,lots of self-love, a space for
(05:32):
you to hold, where you explorewhat you're experiencing,
instead of kicking into realhateful self-talk or just
beating yourself up about things.
You create a space where youcan just maybe you pat yourself
on the face and you just say I'mdoing the best I can, let's
just explore what's going onhere.
Why am I reacting the way I'mreacting?
(05:55):
When you can do that, you'reable to explore.
What is this feeling telling meabout me?
Explore what is this feelingtelling me about me, what can I
learn about myself?
And, most importantly, what doI need in this moment so that I
can relax and be present andmindful and experience life out
(06:15):
of joy?
Now I promise y'all, as you'retrying to hold space for
yourself, there'll be times youmake mistakes lots.
If you're anything like me, lotsof times I would sit and try to
go hold space for myself andthen find myself spiraling and
going okay, jules, let's regroupback up, take a deep breath and
(06:37):
try this again.
I can't tell you how importantit is for you to get really
curious as you're holding spacefor yourself.
But to do this in a kind way,you need to get yourself
grounded and experiment.
(06:58):
How do you best ground yourself?
If I'm really wound up, I needto pace a bit and I need to have
silence and I need to be in aspace where I don't have a bunch
of people asking me questions.
Well, I guess I just need to bealone and pace and really try
to get myself grounded.
(07:19):
And something about the it'salmost like a walking meditation
for me.
Something about the movementreally helps me become embodied
and grounded and that full bodyscan that I talk about a lot,
where you check from the crownchakra all the way down to your
root chakra and just becomecurious about any physical
sensation, also, for me, helpsme to become more.
(07:43):
It gets me out of that spiralinto my body and that just in
and of itself, is grounding.
As you're holding space, youwant to tune in to what is
happening in your heart chakra,specifically Now that's in your
chest.
You want to ask yourself is theenergy tight, is it heavy, is
(08:07):
it flooding, is it throbbing?
What do I need to balance andlighten this energy and make it
more expansive?
Once you're able to do that,that self-love is going to be so
much easier to tap into.
And once you're tapped intothat, that space you're holding
(08:33):
just becomes full of beautifulgreen energy that just feels
nourishing.
When it comes to holding spaceand self-relationship, your
heart chakra cannot be ignored.
So, y'all, as I mentioned amoment ago, this is a great time
for a full body scan to tapinto the wisdom that your body
(08:55):
has to offer and share with you.
And what I'm saying is, whenyou're holding space for
yourself, that's a great time todo that body scan and tap into
that wisdom.
I can remember how I would beatmyself up for something I would
have done and perseverate on it,maybe for days I mean when I
(09:18):
was younger that would sociallycripple me at times when I'd be
in that perseveration stage andbrowbeating myself and every
word I'd said.
Fortunately, it's not that way.
Today I'm able to really getembodied and hold that space.
But y'all this inability tohold space for myself goes way
(09:46):
back and at times I can feel therepercussions.
Today and I have had way toomuch coffee, I can tell as I'm
trying to talk Please forgive meBig, deep breath.
So the inability to hold spacegoes way back.
(10:06):
Now I'm far better today but ifI'm honest, it's something that
at times I can still strugglewith today and I just want to
normalize that for everyone.
As we're building neuralpathways, there's going to be
times it's a little tougher thanother times.
When I was younger I reallywould doubt myself.
I questioned my self-worth, Iquestioned my value, the whole
(10:31):
self-love venue, if you will.
I would interact in a manner,maybe saying my truth.
Maybe I would be honest.
Go into my throat chakra and Iwould speak my truth.
Maybe I would be honest go intomy throat chakra and I would
speak my truth.
Then I would beat myself up fordays for having done that,
because I thought I might haveupset someone or have been
(10:54):
judged because they didn't agreewith me.
It would really make me forlornthat I had spoken my truth,
which is just sad, because thetruth is all we have.
You're the only one that hasthe truth you have and you
deserve to live that out.
It makes us who we are, makesus unique and it brings our
character out.
(11:14):
It's a beautiful thing.
How I got my mind so warped inthat manner is it's beyond me
and if you read my book you'llgo.
Okay, there's a few ahas inthere and I'm not alone.
We all.
As I tell my clients as we'resitting down to do our first
therapy sessions anyone who hassurvived childhood we have
(11:38):
something we need to explore inthe therapy room.
We're human, right and we'reraised by humans and that's okay
, it's a beautiful thing.
But I would create all kinds ofscenarios in my head about
having spoken my truth.
None of them are true, justfantasies floating around in my
(11:59):
head.
Only purpose made me miserable.
Only purpose made me miserable.
I don't want y'all, anyone, tolive like that.
I want everyone to be able tospeak their truth and hold their
head up high, with no apologies, and just be tickled that
they're even plugged into theirtruth.
When we're able to hold spacefor ourself, we get closer to
(12:24):
finding our truth and beingconfident in our truth.
See, I did not understand thenecessity of holding space for
myself back then.
I didn't understand howimportant it was to love myself
unconditionally.
And you know y'all, we have theright to love ourselves
(12:46):
unconditionally.
We have the right to speak ourtruth and stand by it.
Now that I'm able to do this,it comes from learning to value
myself and hold space for myselfin love and, most importantly,
(13:06):
self-compassion.
More on that later.
I write quite a bit about thatin my book.
I'm a strong believer inself-compassion.
So, my friend, I would ask youhave you ever experienced
anything like I just talkedabout?
Are you able to love yourselfunconditionally?
(13:30):
See, holding space is a form ofmindfulness.
When practicing mindfulness,you Center your awareness on the
present moment.
Once you're able to're able todo this for yourself, you're
able to hold space for others.
(13:52):
Holding space for yourselfinvolves allowing yourself to
feel emotions and practicereflection without
self-criticism.
I'm telling y'all it's a juicyplace to be.
It's just a juicy place to be.
So I've created an activity foryou.
(14:13):
So, before I go there, I justwant to remind you to subscribe
to my email list to get theweekly podcast emailed to you,
which includes a bonus PDF thatI create for you each week.
All you have to do is hop overto my website, hop on my email
list.
My website iswwwJulieMerrymanPhDcom.
(14:39):
Okay, I've got a quick drink ofwater.
We're going to talk about theactivity that I created for you
today.
I call it holding sacred spacefor self and, again,
self-acceptance.
And holding space for yourselfinvolves creating a safe,
compassionate environment whereyou can feel seen, heard, heard
(15:03):
and understood without judgment,allowing you to process
emotions and reflect withoutself-criticism.
Had I learned this I think weshould teach this in high school
had I learned this?
When I first got out of highschool, before I got into
college, before I started on myPhD path, I was a hairdresser.
(15:26):
In fact, I worked as ahairdresser and earned to work
my way through college.
But I can remember doingsomething I love.
I'm very creative, I love doinghair.
But I can remember doingsomeone's hair and I'd be so
hung up on how they reacted toit that if I felt the reaction
(15:50):
was less than what I expected,that's a whole thing I won't
bore you all with in this moment.
But the point is I wasn't ableto create a compassionate
environment for myself.
I wasn't able to feel heard andunderstood without judgment.
I was so self-critical.
So I would go back and you havea room where you go back and
(16:11):
wash towels and mix the colorand such, and I go back there
and beat myself up a hot minuteand then, lo and behold, the
person would call a few weekslater to say how much they love
their hair and one scheduleanother appointment and you know
, all that was just asinine thatI treat myself that way.
I was young.
I was young, but I do think weshould teach this stuff in high
(16:32):
school and I want y'all toplease go and download this PDF
and share it with others,because I think this has a lot
of value.
So here's a breakdown of theseconcepts that I'm talking about
Self-acceptance, okay, that'sabout recognizing and accepting
your thoughts, feelings andbehaviors, even the ones you
(16:56):
might not like.
Hear that, even the ones youmight not like.
It's about treating yourselfwith the same kindness and
understanding you would offer afriend.
It's a foundation for buildingyour self-esteem and your
self-compassion.
Okay, so that's self-acceptance.
(17:18):
Now let's look a little deeperat holding space sacred space
for yourself.
This involves creating a safeand accepting environment within
yourself where you can exploreyour emotions, thoughts and
thoughts without judgment.
So picture your chest whereyour heart chakra lives and see.
(17:40):
Picture that energy beingbalanced and expansive.
Creating this environment,holding space for self, is about
being present with yourselfeven when things are difficult,
and allowing yourself to feelwhatever's arising.
Isn't that the truth?
(18:00):
When we're at our worst, whenthe most challenging things come
at us, our true self can comeup, and that's a beautiful
opportunity to explore yourselfin a very deep manner and see
where there might be someprickles or edges that need to
be worked on in that safe spaceyou're holding for yourself.
(18:24):
Y'all this can involve settingboundaries, practicing
mindfulness and engaging inself-care activities, which is
what this podcast is all about.
It's also about honoring yourneeds and respecting your
emotional capacity.
When Kelly, my beloved, amazinghusband, last year, when we
were in the hospital, constantlyin and out, in and out with
(18:47):
brain surgeries and braininfections and brain tumors and
oh it was, I tell you, myemotional capacity was.
It was gone.
It was my bandwidth was goneand I had to hold some space for
myself and know that I was notgoing to be able to do things to
the level where my standardswould have liked them to have
(19:10):
been, and that was okay.
I wasn't going to judge myselfon that.
Holding space also means givingyourself permission to be
imperfect and make mistakes,because, I promise you me, all
of us are imperfect and we makemistakes.
And let's look at somepractical ways to practice a
(19:33):
self-acceptance and holdingspace.
So I mentioned it alreadypracticing mindfulness this is
simply paying attention to yourthoughts and feelings without
judging.
It's simply that, noticing andletting them pass.
You hear that that's theimportant piece.
You notice, kind of like smoke.
There's some smoke, oh, look upin the air.
(19:56):
It goes.
We notice and let them pass.
Engaging in self-care Again,this podcast, bookmark it.
This is all about self-care.
But engaging in self-care isjust making time for activities
that nourish your body, mind andsoul.
Setting boundaries is learningto say no to things that drain
(20:19):
your energy and prioritizingyour needs without guilt.
And practicing self-compassion.
Y'all that's treating yourselfwith the same kindness that you
treat that you show to others.
Plain and simple.
I know you've come, especiallyif you're in the helping
profession you've sat with yourclients and they're remorseful
(20:43):
about something and you've triedto normalize that for them and
tell them how you know, don't beso hard on yourself, it's going
to be okay.
Turn that, I mean look in themirror.
Turn that around and look inthe mirror, saying the same
thing to yourself and forgivingyourself.
This is big.
This is a big one.
A lot of us, grown as adults,walk around pissed off at
(21:07):
ourselves about something we'vedone, maybe in our early 20s,
and we don't haven't taken thetime to hold space and really
dissect that and realize thatthat that anger feeling is
really towards you.
It's.
It's not about Bill or Bob orJune, it's.
It's really about you.
You've got to allow yourself tomake those mistakes and learn
(21:31):
from them, rather than dwellingon past errors.
We are not the sum total of ourerrors, those errors we've made
.
Well, maybe we are.
I've come to think of itbecause I tell you, every
failure or error I made has mademe a better person, because I
learned something from it.
I was able to integrate it intomy life practice.
(21:53):
Thus helps me to be a betterperson.
But you've got to forgiveyourself for past mistakes.
When we know better, we dobetter.
Huh, when we know better, we dobetter.
Celebrate your strengths,acknowledge and appreciate your
unique qualities andaccomplishments and y'all, I
(22:16):
know this isn't rocket science,but so often we forget this
simple stuff.
Seek support, reach out tofriends and family or your
therapist and y'all.
The other thing and I knowy'all know it, but it's worth
repeating there's a skill here.
First we have to know what weneed, right, and that's just.
I mean, it takes some soulsearching to know what you need.
(22:38):
Then you have to be able to askfor what you need, and that's a
whole skill.
The last piece of that is beingable to accept the support and
help that you ask for, which isa skill unto itself, so that
(23:01):
seeking support sounds easy, butyou got to do a bit of soul
searching as you're implementingthat piece.
And you want to be present.
Focus on the current moment,avoid dwelling in the past or
future.
Yeah, that's all we have.
I've said it before on here.
I'm saying it again all we haveis this present moment.
The past is a fantasy.
The future is a fantasy becausethey're not here right here,
(23:21):
right now.
They just live in your head,allow yourself to feel.
Don't suppress your emotions.
Allow yourself to experiencethem fully.
Now, that's the positive andthe negative and everything in
(23:42):
between.
And yeah, sometimes it sucks,and sometimes we're so divorced
from our emotions we don't evenknow how to feel happy.
So really do some soulsearching on that piece too, and
remember y'all this is aprocess, self-acceptance and
holding space for yourself.
(24:02):
It's it's journey, not adestination.
You've got to be patient withyourself and celebrate your
progress.
Okay, that's it for today.
Subscribe to my podcast, leavea review and, until next time,
(24:24):
take care of you.
Hey y'all, I'm Dr Julie Merriman and welcome to
SoulJoy.
So today we're talking about apretty sexy topic, I think, and
that is holding space for you.
We're moving from the solarplexus chakra to the heart
chakra, where all yourrelationships are ruled.
(00:21):
Having a good relationship withyourself is a necessary
component of holistic,sustainable self-care, also
known as wellness.
Okay, how are y'all doing today?
First, I really want y'all toknow how much I appreciate you
hanging out with me for a hotminute while we talk about this
(00:43):
sexy topic of holding space foryourself.
Here at the Merriman House, weare finishing up on the bath
remodel.
I'm going to be very pleasedwith that.
It's marble and light and justbeautiful in there.
So I'm excited about that.
And as soon as I get that done,I'm going to start on my
beloved husband's bathroom.
(01:04):
That will be a major remodel.
I'm just going to do somepainting in there and I redid
the pictures and new showercurtain and such, but it'll be a
refresh and then I'm done.
I'm going to move from thehouse and go out to my gardens.
It's springtime and I can'twait.
We've got a few vegetablesplanted, but I can't wait to get
everything planted.
(01:25):
So anyway, I'm excited to seethat all done and I'm also
excited to get to hold space foryou and share some of this
information with you today.
So, okay, professional helpersand really y'all this is for
everyone, not just professionalhelpers, but if you are a
professional helper, I havededicated this podcast to
(01:47):
helping prevent and overcome theoccupational hazards of our
career, specifically burnout,compassion, fatigue and
vicarious trauma.
So today we're going to talkabout holding space for me,
which I really consider to be anuber important topic, and it
(02:08):
really helps us to have goodrelationships with others when
we can have a good relationshipwith ourselves.
So we have to start withunderstanding how to hold space
for us and then it justtransfers over to others once we
build those neural pathways,and then it just transfers over
to others once we build thoseneural pathways and y'all.
Through my crash and burn, whenI was highly impacted by burnout
(02:30):
and compassion fatigue, Ilearned truly learned the
importance of unconditionallyaccepting myself.
I lived in such judgment ofmyself I mean I couldn't say a
sentence to someone where Ididn't get in the car or go to
my office and overthink andperseverate on oh, that was
(02:51):
stupid.
Why would I say it like that?
Why didn't I say it like this,or I mean it was just, I just
beat myself up all the time.
I was really ugly to me, mystandards were unrealistically
high and, like I said, I justbeat the hell out of myself all
the time needlessly, needlessly,and it was no fun.
(03:12):
If you've ever experienced that, you know it's no fun.
I was living in a space ofself-loathing for some reason,
but I think it was because I wasso burned out.
But I think it was because Iwas so burned out I just didn't
have the energy to really stepback and be self-aware and
(03:32):
really understand what I wasdoing to myself.
I had to deeply explore whereall this self-loathing had come
from, and why did therelationship with myself form in
such a manner?
Was it always there or was itsomething that impacted me later
in life?
I really go deep into this in mybook In Pursuit of Soul Joy,
(03:54):
and so I really I highlyencourage you to grab a copy of
that.
If you really, if this isresonating with you and you're
like man, I struggle to holdkind space Maybe I should put
that qualifier in there you wantto hold kind space for yourself
.
But again, I go into that.
I think I have a good chapterof that in for yourself.
(04:21):
So when we think about holdingspace for ourself, it's
important to know, as I said amoment ago, the qualifier is
kind.
This needs to be a safe spaceof non-judgment, and I speak
(04:46):
about the importance of notjudging ourself a lot.
But y'all, I speak of that alot because it's true, when
we're sitting there talking crapabout ourself, judging ourself,
just making ourself miserablewith the way we're treating
ourself ourselves, how do weshow up in life?
I mean, how we don't show up inlife as our best and we're on,
(05:10):
we're not living in a spacethat's our best because we've
created this chaos.
When we are holding space forourselves, this is a space
that's full of love andcuriosity.
It's full of positive talk,lots of self-love, a space for
(05:32):
you to hold, where you explorewhat you're experiencing,
instead of kicking into realhateful self-talk or just
beating yourself up about things.
You create a space where youcan just maybe you pat yourself
on the face and you just say I'mdoing the best I can, let's
just explore what's going onhere.
Why am I reacting the way I'mreacting?
(05:55):
When you can do that, you'reable to explore.
What is this feeling telling meabout me?
Explore what is this feelingtelling me about me, what can I
learn about myself?
And, most importantly, what doI need in this moment so that I
can relax and be present andmindful and experience life out
(06:15):
of joy?
Now I promise y'all, as you'retrying to hold space for
yourself, there'll be times youmake mistakes lots.
If you're anything like me, lotsof times I would sit and try to
go hold space for myself andthen find myself spiraling and
going okay, jules, let's regroupback up, take a deep breath and
(06:37):
try this again.
I can't tell you how importantit is for you to get really
curious as you're holding spacefor yourself.
But to do this in a kind way,you need to get yourself
grounded and experiment.
(06:58):
How do you best ground yourself?
If I'm really wound up, I needto pace a bit and I need to have
silence and I need to be in aspace where I don't have a bunch
of people asking me questions.
Well, I guess I just need to bealone and pace and really try
to get myself grounded.
(07:19):
And something about the it'salmost like a walking meditation
for me.
Something about the movementreally helps me become embodied
and grounded and that full bodyscan that I talk about a lot,
where you check from the crownchakra all the way down to your
root chakra and just becomecurious about any physical
sensation, also, for me, helpsme to become more.
(07:43):
It gets me out of that spiralinto my body and that just in
and of itself, is grounding.
As you're holding space, youwant to tune in to what is
happening in your heart chakra,specifically Now that's in your
chest.
You want to ask yourself is theenergy tight, is it heavy, is
(08:07):
it flooding, is it throbbing?
What do I need to balance andlighten this energy and make it
more expansive?
Once you're able to do that,that self-love is going to be so
much easier to tap into.
And once you're tapped intothat, that space you're holding
(08:33):
just becomes full of beautifulgreen energy that just feels
nourishing.
When it comes to holding spaceand self-relationship, your
heart chakra cannot be ignored.
So, y'all, as I mentioned amoment ago, this is a great time
for a full body scan to tapinto the wisdom that your body
(08:55):
has to offer and share with you.
And what I'm saying is, whenyou're holding space for
yourself, that's a great time todo that body scan and tap into
that wisdom.
I can remember how I would beatmyself up for something I would
have done and perseverate on it,maybe for days I mean when I
(09:18):
was younger that would sociallycripple me at times when I'd be
in that perseveration stage andbrowbeating myself and every
word I'd said.
Fortunately, it's not that way.
Today I'm able to really getembodied and hold that space.
But y'all this inability tohold space for myself goes way
(09:46):
back and at times I can feel therepercussions.
Today and I have had way toomuch coffee, I can tell as I'm
trying to talk Please forgive meBig, deep breath.
So the inability to hold spacegoes way back.
(10:06):
Now I'm far better today but ifI'm honest, it's something that
at times I can still strugglewith today and I just want to
normalize that for everyone.
As we're building neuralpathways, there's going to be
times it's a little tougher thanother times.
When I was younger I reallywould doubt myself.
I questioned my self-worth, Iquestioned my value, the whole
(10:31):
self-love venue, if you will.
I would interact in a manner,maybe saying my truth.
Maybe I would be honest.
Go into my throat chakra and Iwould speak my truth.
Maybe I would be honest go intomy throat chakra and I would
speak my truth.
Then I would beat myself up fordays for having done that,
because I thought I might haveupset someone or have been
(10:54):
judged because they didn't agreewith me.
It would really make me forlornthat I had spoken my truth,
which is just sad, because thetruth is all we have.
You're the only one that hasthe truth you have and you
deserve to live that out.
It makes us who we are, makesus unique and it brings our
character out.
(11:14):
It's a beautiful thing.
How I got my mind so warped inthat manner is it's beyond me
and if you read my book you'llgo.
Okay, there's a few ahas inthere and I'm not alone.
We all.
As I tell my clients as we'resitting down to do our first
therapy sessions anyone who hassurvived childhood we have
(11:38):
something we need to explore inthe therapy room.
We're human, right and we'reraised by humans and that's okay
, it's a beautiful thing.
But I would create all kinds ofscenarios in my head about
having spoken my truth.
None of them are true, justfantasies floating around in my
(11:59):
head.
Only purpose made me miserable.
Only purpose made me miserable.
I don't want y'all, anyone, tolive like that.
I want everyone to be able tospeak their truth and hold their
head up high, with no apologies, and just be tickled that
they're even plugged into theirtruth.
When we're able to hold spacefor ourself, we get closer to
(12:24):
finding our truth and beingconfident in our truth.
See, I did not understand thenecessity of holding space for
myself back then.
I didn't understand howimportant it was to love myself
unconditionally.
And you know y'all, we have theright to love ourselves
(12:46):
unconditionally.
We have the right to speak ourtruth and stand by it.
Now that I'm able to do this,it comes from learning to value
myself and hold space for myselfin love and, most importantly,
(13:06):
self-compassion.
More on that later.
I write quite a bit about thatin my book.
I'm a strong believer inself-compassion.
So, my friend, I would ask youhave you ever experienced
anything like I just talkedabout?
Are you able to love yourselfunconditionally?
(13:30):
See, holding space is a form ofmindfulness.
When practicing mindfulness,you Center your awareness on the
present moment.
Once you're able to're able todo this for yourself, you're
able to hold space for others.
(13:52):
Holding space for yourselfinvolves allowing yourself to
feel emotions and practicereflection without
self-criticism.
I'm telling y'all it's a juicyplace to be.
It's just a juicy place to be.
So I've created an activity foryou.
(14:13):
So, before I go there, I justwant to remind you to subscribe
to my email list to get theweekly podcast emailed to you,
which includes a bonus PDF thatI create for you each week.
All you have to do is hop overto my website, hop on my email
list.
My website iswwwJulieMerrymanPhDcom.
(14:39):
Okay, I've got a quick drink ofwater.
We're going to talk about theactivity that I created for you
today.
I call it holding sacred spacefor self and, again,
self-acceptance.
And holding space for yourselfinvolves creating a safe,
compassionate environment whereyou can feel seen, heard, heard
(15:03):
and understood without judgment,allowing you to process
emotions and reflect withoutself-criticism.
Had I learned this I think weshould teach this in high school
had I learned this?
When I first got out of highschool, before I got into
college, before I started on myPhD path, I was a hairdresser.
(15:26):
In fact, I worked as ahairdresser and earned to work
my way through college.
But I can remember doingsomething I love.
I'm very creative, I love doinghair.
But I can remember doingsomeone's hair and I'd be so
hung up on how they reacted toit that if I felt the reaction
(15:50):
was less than what I expected,that's a whole thing I won't
bore you all with in this moment.
But the point is I wasn't ableto create a compassionate
environment for myself.
I wasn't able to feel heard andunderstood without judgment.
I was so self-critical.
So I would go back and you havea room where you go back and
(16:11):
wash towels and mix the colorand such, and I go back there
and beat myself up a hot minuteand then, lo and behold, the
person would call a few weekslater to say how much they love
their hair and one scheduleanother appointment and you know
, all that was just asinine thatI treat myself that way.
I was young.
I was young, but I do think weshould teach this stuff in high
(16:32):
school and I want y'all toplease go and download this PDF
and share it with others,because I think this has a lot
of value.
So here's a breakdown of theseconcepts that I'm talking about
Self-acceptance, okay, that'sabout recognizing and accepting
your thoughts, feelings andbehaviors, even the ones you
(16:56):
might not like.
Hear that, even the ones youmight not like.
It's about treating yourselfwith the same kindness and
understanding you would offer afriend.
It's a foundation for buildingyour self-esteem and your
self-compassion.
Okay, so that's self-acceptance.
(17:18):
Now let's look a little deeperat holding space sacred space
for yourself.
This involves creating a safeand accepting environment within
yourself where you can exploreyour emotions, thoughts and
thoughts without judgment.
So picture your chest whereyour heart chakra lives and see.
(17:40):
Picture that energy beingbalanced and expansive.
Creating this environment,holding space for self, is about
being present with yourselfeven when things are difficult,
and allowing yourself to feelwhatever's arising.
Isn't that the truth?
(18:00):
When we're at our worst, whenthe most challenging things come
at us, our true self can comeup, and that's a beautiful
opportunity to explore yourselfin a very deep manner and see
where there might be someprickles or edges that need to
be worked on in that safe spaceyou're holding for yourself.
(18:24):
Y'all this can involve settingboundaries, practicing
mindfulness and engaging inself-care activities, which is
what this podcast is all about.
It's also about honoring yourneeds and respecting your
emotional capacity.
When Kelly, my beloved, amazinghusband, last year, when we
were in the hospital, constantlyin and out, in and out with
(18:47):
brain surgeries and braininfections and brain tumors and
oh it was, I tell you, myemotional capacity was.
It was gone.
It was my bandwidth was goneand I had to hold some space for
myself and know that I was notgoing to be able to do things to
the level where my standardswould have liked them to have
(19:10):
been, and that was okay.
I wasn't going to judge myselfon that.
Holding space also means givingyourself permission to be
imperfect and make mistakes,because, I promise you me, all
of us are imperfect and we makemistakes.
And let's look at somepractical ways to practice a
(19:33):
self-acceptance and holdingspace.
So I mentioned it alreadypracticing mindfulness this is
simply paying attention to yourthoughts and feelings without
judging.
It's simply that, noticing andletting them pass.
You hear that that's theimportant piece.
You notice, kind of like smoke.
There's some smoke, oh, look upin the air.
(19:56):
It goes.
We notice and let them pass.
Engaging in self-care Again,this podcast, bookmark it.
This is all about self-care.
But engaging in self-care isjust making time for activities
that nourish your body, mind andsoul.
Setting boundaries is learningto say no to things that drain
(20:19):
your energy and prioritizingyour needs without guilt.
And practicing self-compassion.
Y'all that's treating yourselfwith the same kindness that you
treat that you show to others.
Plain and simple.
I know you've come, especiallyif you're in the helping
profession you've sat with yourclients and they're remorseful
(20:43):
about something and you've triedto normalize that for them and
tell them how you know, don't beso hard on yourself, it's going
to be okay.
Turn that, I mean look in themirror.
Turn that around and look inthe mirror, saying the same
thing to yourself and forgivingyourself.
This is big.
This is a big one.
A lot of us, grown as adults,walk around pissed off at
(21:07):
ourselves about something we'vedone, maybe in our early 20s,
and we don't haven't taken thetime to hold space and really
dissect that and realize thatthat that anger feeling is
really towards you.
It's.
It's not about Bill or Bob orJune, it's.
It's really about you.
You've got to allow yourself tomake those mistakes and learn
(21:31):
from them, rather than dwellingon past errors.
We are not the sum total of ourerrors, those errors we've made
.
Well, maybe we are.
I've come to think of itbecause I tell you, every
failure or error I made has mademe a better person, because I
learned something from it.
I was able to integrate it intomy life practice.
(21:53):
Thus helps me to be a betterperson.
But you've got to forgiveyourself for past mistakes.
When we know better, we dobetter.
Huh, when we know better, we dobetter.
Celebrate your strengths,acknowledge and appreciate your
unique qualities andaccomplishments and y'all, I
(22:16):
know this isn't rocket science,but so often we forget this
simple stuff.
Seek support, reach out tofriends and family or your
therapist and y'all.
The other thing and I knowy'all know it, but it's worth
repeating there's a skill here.
First we have to know what weneed, right, and that's just.
I mean, it takes some soulsearching to know what you need.
(22:38):
Then you have to be able to askfor what you need, and that's a
whole skill.
The last piece of that is beingable to accept the support and
help that you ask for, which isa skill unto itself, so that
(23:01):
seeking support sounds easy, butyou got to do a bit of soul
searching as you're implementingthat piece.
And you want to be present.
Focus on the current moment,avoid dwelling in the past or
future.
Yeah, that's all we have.
I've said it before on here.
I'm saying it again all we haveis this present moment.
The past is a fantasy.
The future is a fantasy becausethey're not here right here,
(23:21):
right now.
They just live in your head,allow yourself to feel.
Don't suppress your emotions.
Allow yourself to experiencethem fully.
Now, that's the positive andthe negative and everything in
(23:42):
between.
And yeah, sometimes it sucks,and sometimes we're so divorced
from our emotions we don't evenknow how to feel happy.
So really do some soulsearching on that piece too, and
remember y'all this is aprocess, self-acceptance and
holding space for yourself.
(24:02):
It's it's journey, not adestination.
You've got to be patient withyourself and celebrate your
progress.
Okay, that's it for today.
Subscribe to my podcast, leavea review and, until next time,
(24:24):
take care of you.
Popular Podcasts
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!