66: Feeling Our Way to Wholeness: Calm & Content

Calm and content reflect the opposite of some of the more volatile, unpleasant, and high energy feelings like anger, anxiety, and fear that we’ve discussed in prior episodes. Often seen as a desired destination on the feelings spectrum, calm and content are pleasant, but can be more difficult to embody than other feelings. So how do we get there? 

This series has been an invitation to feel all of your feelings and connect authentically in the moment with all parts of yourself. While we leave the door open for more feelings, for now, we conclude the Feeling Our Way to Wholeness Series with calm and content and we thank you for joining us on this journey towards wholeness! 

In this episode we talk about:

• Where calm and content sit on our spectrum of feelings
• How calm and content connect to flow.
• How judgement and other unpleasant feelings can prevent us from embodying calm and content.
• Some of the ways we can better connect with our feelings and grow closer to spaces of calm and content.
• The multifaceted and interconnected nature of our feelings and the importance of accepting what is present and true for you.

Links so you can explore more:

Be sure to check out the rest of the Feeling Our Way to Wholeness Series if you missed an episode and check out our Feelings Blueprint: Self-Assesment Tool at  https://www.soulpathparenting.com/feelings-blueprint-self-assessment-tool to help you contextualize your relationship with your feelings on your own journey towards wholeness!

We also invite you to email us if you have questions about something that we talked about or would like to share your journey with us. We'd love to hear from you at [e-mail] or [e-mail]!

Episode Transcript

Unknown (00:04):
We believe life can be a journey toward wholeness,
toward reconnecting with who weare authentically meant to be.
We walk this path of growth anddiscovery with our children,
with our partners withinourselves. These are the stories
of what's possible. These arethe conversations that light the

(00:28):
way. Welcome to soul pathparenting.
Hello, everyone, I'm superexcited to be here today with
Amy. Hi, Amy. Hi, Lauren, we aresort of tapping off our feeling

(00:48):
our way to wholeness series. AndI'm saying sort of, because
we've been feeling our waythrough this series, and
speaking about the feelings thatwere most alive for us. And in a
moment, I'll recap kind of wherewe've been. And we are
culminating today with calm andcontent. And we're leaving the

(01:14):
door open to continue in thefuture, revisiting and possibly
visiting more feelings, becausethere are so many feelings that
we could talk about. But fortoday, and for now, we are
wrapping up this series in acalm and content space. And
we're going to be exploring thattoday. Before I walk us through

(01:40):
where we've been feelings wisein our previous episodes, Amy Do
you want to talk a little bitabout the visuals we've been
using to kind of orientourselves around these feelings,
I would love to because there'sa couple of big awarenesses or

(02:02):
shifts in understanding thatI've had through this series.
And one of them is this amazingtool that we've been using. So
just as a reminder, for those ofyou who've been with us through
the series, or perhaps this isthe first episode you're hearing
and you're new, I wanted toshare what's called this the
mood meter. And it wasoriginally developed by a

(02:25):
professor named James Russell atBoston College. But we
discovered it because adifferent professor at the Yale
Center for emotionalintelligence, Mark Brackett
talked about it and uses itextensively in his book
permission to feel. And so ifyou imagine a graph, on the left

(02:48):
side, sort of up and down, youwould have a meter of the energy
level. So you have high energyat the top and low energy at the
bottom. And then if you imaginealong the horizontal axis, you
have a pleasantness meter. Solow pleasantness at the left and

(03:09):
high pleasantness at the rightand so what they do, what he
does is divide this into fourquadrants. And so high energy,
but low pleasantness is a spacethat could include anger, or
anxiety. And then beneath that,so that's at the top left

(03:30):
beneath that is this bluequadrant, where sadness and
depression can be found. Andthen if you head over to the
right hand side, high energy,high pleasantness, oh, yellow,
that's joy and all the sort ofhigh energy feelings in that

(03:50):
kind of acidity. And below thatlow energy, but high
pleasantness you have this greenzone, which is what we have yet
to talk about. And that's wherecalm and content belong. And
another thing that I want tomention at this point, is that
that is not where I am currentlyresiding.

(04:14):
So we're gonna talk about calmand content today. And I am a
person who I feel a little bitlike, I'm imagining a trip to
this destination. That soundsreally amazing. And I'm looking
for my passport. So Lauren, Ihope that you and I can team up

(04:34):
so that I can find and we canshare how to break through to
this green zone because to behonest with you, one of the
other awarenesses that I've had,in doing these, I've gotten a
lot more aware of the feelingsthat I'm having, but I have
avoided low energy because asI've mentioned in a previous

(04:57):
show itis a little scary for me in the
sense that it can feel awfullyclose to sad, and I did grow up
with a depressed parent have hadmy own struggles along the road.
And so anyways, we're here toexplore the green zone.

(05:18):
I love what you're just saying,Amy. And I totally resonate with
that feeling that that greencalm and content area is this
destination that I want to getto. And I was so excited that we
had scheduled recording thisepisode for today. Because I

(05:38):
feel like this morning, Iarrived there and not in the way
that like I've arrived, and I'llbe calm and content forever. No,
it's a place that I occasionallyvisit. And then I get booted out
of there. And then I'm like, howdo I get back in. But last
night, I had a high energy, lowpleasantness conversation with

(06:00):
my partner. And it was intense,and it was uncomfortable, and I
did not enjoy it. And we walkedeach other through it. And we
connected a little bit more thismorning. And I feel my body

(06:22):
relaxing and releasing andentering the calm after the
storm state that I have come toknow as a place that I get to
visit after I have walkedthrough something unpleasant and
come out the other side. Andwhat I was thinking about this

(06:45):
morning that I really wanted toshare and bring into this
conversation, some of myawarenesses as well throughout
this process. We've been feelingour way through this process. We
talked in the introduction abouthow feeling your way to
wholeness is an invitation tofeel all of your feelings, so
that you can connectauthentically in the moment with

(07:07):
all the parts of yourself. Andthis is something I'm learning
and practicing and seeking tostrengthen my access to and my
ability to do this. And, youknow, revisited joy and sadness,
anger and passion, fear anxiety.
And we have talked in previousepisodes about how if there's

(07:28):
something we're avoiding, ifthere's something we don't want
to feel we don't want to gothere that can contribute to
this constant low grade anxiety.
Sometimes I like to describe itas kind of this hyper vigilance.
Like I'm not going they're notgoing there. Nope, nope, nope,

(07:50):
nope. And that can keep us outof sadness and depression. And
it also keeps us out of commoncontent because like you have
beautifully described, they seema little too close to each
other. You know, they're they'reboth low energy. One is low

(08:12):
energy and low pleasantness. Oneis low energy and high
pleasantness. But thatpleasantness spectrum, it's like
a sliding scale. And you couldjust tip over so easily, you
know, to the one that you don'twant.
And for me also if I'm avoidingan angry conversation, because I
struggle to allow myself to showup angry and express anger

(08:36):
because I'm afraid so nowthey're all coming in. You know,
it's it's, it's been interestingto have episodes that were
focused on certain feelings,because there's so much
interconnectedness for me inthis feeling realm. And so for
example, if I'm avoiding sharingand expressing anger with my

(09:00):
partner, because I'm afraid thatI won't do it well, and I'll
just cause harm, and it willjust make things worse. So I'm
dealing with anger, but I'mavoiding it or repressing it and
I'm afraid and I'm anxiousbecause I care so much about my
relationship and how I show upin it. And so then I've got this

(09:23):
low grade anxiety, hypervigilance. Don't do it. No,
don't go there. No, no, no. Andwhen something happens so last
night, my husband and I totallyunexpected I had plans to go
out. I flaked on mywhich is not i'm not something
that I do lightly. But um, I wasnot expecting the conversation

(09:46):
to happen the way that it didbetween my partner and I last
night. We both got triggered. Wewere both struggling and there
we were, and it was happeningand I had a moment where I was
already five minutes late forwhen I was supposed to leave.
And I paused to check in withmyself and to check in with my

(10:09):
partner. And I said, I named outloud with him, Hey, I didn't
expect to this, he was like Meneither, I didn't expect this to
happen either. And I said, Whatdo you want to choose? In this
moment, I'm going to try tofigure out what I want to
choose, I'm already five minuteslate, I could rush to still keep
my commitment. And we could takea break from each other. And we

(10:32):
could come back to this later,or I can text the person who I
have made these plans with, andcancel last minute, and we can
keep walking through this. Andhe took a moment to check in
with himself. And what he endedup sharing was that he
completely understood theaversion to canceling last

(10:53):
minute because he struggles tocancel last minute. And so do I,
we both kind of have thisdefault mode of keep our
commitments, and then deal withwhatever we need to deal with
after we have fulfilled ourcommitments. And so he
acknowledged that, that would behard for him. And if it was hard
for me, he understood and he wasokay with me leaving. And his

(11:14):
preference was for me to cancelmy plans and stay. And I really
appreciated him being able toname that. And then I was able
to check in with myself andrealize that the part of me that
wanted to not cancel my plans,was the part of me that likes to
imagine I'm this consistent,reliable person, it was my ego

(11:40):
wanting to show up in this way.
And if I, if I created a littlebit of distance between myself
and that and asked myself what Ireally wanted in that moment, it
was to cancel those plans andcontinue that conversation. And
so that's what I did, I textedthe person I cancelled last

(12:01):
minute, we continued theconversation. And there were
difficult moments, there weremisunderstandings, there were
hurt feelings, it got worsebefore it got better.
And then we started, like, wekind of got over the top of the
mountain and started coming downthe other side. And our

(12:21):
understanding of each other wasincreasing and expanding. And
our experiences of feelingheard. We're improving, whereas
before we were like, you're nothearing me, you're not hearing
me, you know. And so we startedcoming down the other side, and
then we slept on it. And then wetalked some more this morning.
And now I'm feeling that reliefand release because that

(12:45):
conversation was catalyzedbecause what came alive
unexpectedly in that moment,last night, was already alive.
It wasn't born in that moment,it had been alive all this time.
And on some level, I wasavoiding it. And whether

(13:05):
consciously or unconsciously, atboth, I think both, I think that
times consciously at times,unconsciously avoiding it. And
so then it got catalyzed, and wefaced it. And we're coming
through the other side. And Ifeel like this is an example of
howwe can feel our way to wholeness
by feeling our way through andwalking through the unpleasant

(13:29):
things to come out the otherside more resilient, more whole,
more understanding, and moreunderstood. And now I feel like
I can relax and that feels likethat. calm. I don't know about
content. So common content arekind of both in that box. I feel

(13:50):
calm, which feels different thanlast night. I feel a sense of
relief. content, I'm not sure.
But definitely calm.
Beautiful. Do you feel likecalm is sort of what they're

(14:11):
available?
When we're not being activated?
Or in the other boxes beingenergized or activated in some
way? Do you feel like it's sortof a default setting, but that a
lot of us can't quite get therebecause, for me, I really

(14:32):
resonate with this idea ofconstant continual sort of low
grade anxiety. Yeah, I feel sojust, this is just where I'm at
today, y'all. I'm growing andlearning as we go here. So my
felt sense and my experience ofmyself last night and today is
suggesting to me that my normalexperience of low grade

(15:00):
activation all the time, which Iexperienced as low grade
anxiety, hyper vigilance. Andthose are connected to the fact
that I'm a recoveringperfectionist, I want to get
things right, I want to be good.
I want to do my relationshipscorrectly and well, which

(15:20):
sometimes can interfere withauthentically. And then even
when I'm trying to be authenticand express things like anger,
or hurt or disappointment, Istill want to do it. Well, I
still want to do it carefullyand from a grounded, loving,
compassionate place. And, youknow, to my dismay, sometimes I

(15:40):
am a full fledged human whoisn't always able to do that.
And I still struggle withforgiving myself and allowing
myself to be fully human andhaving compassion. I think self
love and self compassion can beconnected to that ability to
relax into calm acceptance ofmyself of others of what is, I

(16:08):
feel like the desire to make itbetter all the time is one of
the ways I experienced mynormal, constant, low grade
activation. And so I feel and Ifeel like it's common in our
culture. And among the people Iwork with, to feel like they

(16:32):
should that should word like Ialready feel slight activation
in my body, but I say the wordshould, like we should always be
getting better, we should begrowing, we should be improving,
we should be parenting ourchildren. Well, we should be
expressing ourselves moreauthentically, but also with
kindness and compassion. And weshould try and I'm like, Ah, now

(16:52):
I'm my heart rate is going up.
And I'm like, Oh my gosh, whendo we get to just be like, calm.
For me, it's just being. And Ithink part of me feels like I
did a lot of hard work. Lastnight, I went through a hard
conversation with my partner, wewere both emotionally and
physically exhausted by the endof it. And we both said that out

(17:13):
loud. I'm trying really hard notto speak for him.
Because I'm, I'm thinking backto moments when I have spoken
for him and been incorrect. Andthat has not been bad has not
been enjoyed. And so, you know,I'm like, Okay, what did he
actually say, compared to whatI'm imagining, or assuming,

(17:35):
because I'm aware that I projectand I assume, and I imagine, and
I do it constantly, and I got tofact check these things. But we
both said we were emotionallyand physically exhausted by the
end.
And so now I have this kind ofcalm release relief experience,

(17:58):
but it feels really hard earned.
It's kind of like, I worked sohard last night, at trying to
manage myself, and hold spacefor myself and hold space for my
partner and understand him andhelp him understand me. Like, I
feel like I deserve a nap. Andbut what, what will happen is,

(18:22):
I'll stay here for a littlewhile, maybe the rest of today,
it might linger into tomorrow.
And then I'll return to feelinglike I don't know if I'm working
hard enough. I don't know if I'mliving enough. I don't know if
I'm doing enough. Enough. EnoughEnough. And then I'll go right
back to my default mode of lowgrade anxiety. hypervigilance?
Am I good enough? Am I goodenough? Mother? Are my kids

(18:45):
eating the right food? Am I agood partner? Am I this? Am I a
good entrepreneur? am I helpingmy clients? Well, am I am I
staying humble? Am I Oh, youknow, like so many things. And
so I'm I do feel like I'm like,my passport got stamped last
night through exhaustion andwalking through a fire with my

(19:08):
partner. And now I'm like,laying on the beach in calm and
content. But like I said, I'miffy on content.
And I have no idea how long I'llbe here it by tonight. I could
be back in like, what's fordinner? Why didn't I go grocery
shopping? Oh my god, bah bah,bah, bah, bah. You know, I don't

(19:30):
even know I don't know how longit's gonna last. I love
everything that you're sharing.
It's so resonates with me. Andthat is exactly the thought
stream. The is everything goodenough. better, better, better
that I feel lately, like hasbeen yanking me out of calm. And

(19:50):
I want to share a couple ofobservations about comic content
because this is kind of ironic.
This might you find surprisingI'm feeling really calm and
content right now. And at thetop of the episode, I said that
I wasn't because I wasn't. AndI'm sitting here in my office
drinking my tea, fully presentto what you're sharing. And I'm

(20:13):
breathing more deeply than Ihave been when I've been working
on my childcare spreadsheet, I'mgoing to talk about that in a
second. And Ifeel like I'm in that flow in
the zone. So there's this,there's this it's called flow
theory. There's a positivepsychologist, whose last name is

(20:35):
chick sent me Hi, spell, it'sHungarian. It's spelled in a way
that but it's his name is me.
Hi, chick sent me Hi, I had toGoogle search it and there's a
YouTube that teaches you how topronounce it. So don't be all
that impressed. I've practiced.
So I'd love aim. Drop that fory'all. And finally, this is the
moment now enough in the yellow,I'm so excited.

(20:58):
Just kidding. But I have beenreading a lot about flow theory
because of my interest inpassion. And it turns out, and
so I'm realizing in this verymoment, because one of my
passions is creating thispodcast together with you, I
love co creation, I love theideas we talk about, I love the
way that we're able to compareand contrast and really kind of

(21:22):
generate these insights thatwe're able to share with other
people. And while we're actuallycreating an episode, I am very
present.
And this is what he talks aboutis you get into a flow state,
when you're very present whenyou're being creative. And when
there's some challenge involved.
Because when my mind wandersback to chuck your spreadsheet
land, I am not present. And Ican't do the thing that we're

(21:44):
trying to do here, which is havethis engaged conversation. So I
actually answered one of myquestions or a piece of my
earlier question, which is like,I'm looking for my passport to
common content, where is it? Howdo I get there, and one of the
ways is doing things that put usinto a flow state where we're
pursuing a passion or creatingsomething or doing something

(22:06):
that both has this piece ofcreative expression or interest,
but also something somewhatchallenging, so that we can have
to shift into the moment.
I love that so much. And whatit's making me think about as I
reflect on my experiences lastnight is when I get triggered,

(22:27):
and then my partner getstriggered by me being triggered.
And we're both triggered, and weget in this intense discussion
that I could describe as a fightargument. I don't know, it feels
like a discussion.
It.
So it's interesting, because Iwas gonna say, it asks me to be

(22:48):
fully present. And,but I don't even feel like it
asks, I feel like it's like you.
Now, you know, I don't know, itdoesn't feel like it feels like
a demand. And then I also havemy awareness popping up in the
back of my mind that when we'retriggered, we're in the past.

(23:10):
And the level of intensity canmake me feel like I'm fully
present. But what I'm fullypresent to in that moment is
pain that lives inside me fromthe past. But it is alive in the
present, because that's whathappens when I'm triggered. And
so I'm just kind of, likebouncing around in my mind is oh

(23:34):
my gosh, I think that my senseof calm after the storm today,
iPod partially arrived atbecause of the level of presence
and focus and attention andenergy I gave to this
conversation last night. And Ilove the idea that being fully

(23:54):
present in the present momentcould be a way to stamp that
passport to calm and content.
And if we're doing somethingthat we're excited about, and
that has like enough challengeto give us that flow state, I
could see that really includingthe content part. I am like calm

(24:16):
from exhaustion.
But I think presence hadsomething to do with it. And I
feel like this morning when mymy husband and I connected some
more that the level of presenceand the level of connection
because one of the other thingsI'm exploring is this theory

(24:38):
that when my husband and I areboth caught up in the business
of life and the never goodenoughness and always doing
better he works. I work we havekids we take care of a house, we
have dogs, we have all thesethings. And we're trying trying
trying and moving moving,moving, doing doing doing and we
disconnect from each other andwe don't even realize it like
our level of connectednesswith each other, and the level

(25:00):
of presence that we're giving toeach other goes down. As we're
just we're not resting like weneed to, we're not, we're not
feeling our way to wholeness,because we're not going through
all the parts of the quadrant,or you could call it a cycle.
And so we drift farther andfarther apart. And then we have

(25:22):
something that catalyzes anargument or a discussion or a
fight. And part of what it wasabout was feeling disconnected,
under appreciated, misunderstoodthose things, they come up. And
when we address it, and we workthrough it, and we work, we come
back together, and thatconnection feels repaired and

(25:45):
restored. That's another way Iaccess, calm and content,
actually. So this is my firstmoment of awareness of EU. One
of the ways I stamp my passportinto calm and content land is
feeling really securelyconnected to my loved ones. That

(26:07):
connection is something I canrest in. And when it feels
strong and solid, and I feelseen and heard and understood,
and they do too, and I can feelthem feeling me and feel me
feeling them. Dan Siegel talksabout neurological interpersonal

(26:28):
biology, I think I'm sayingthose words, right. But if not
dance, if you look up DanSiegel, he's he coined these
terms for how our mirror neuronswork and how we feel each other
like we sense and feel eachother. And when those
connections feel restored andrepaired, I can rest in that I
can rest in this calm contentplace when my connections with

(26:51):
my closest loved ones,especially, but even farther out
friends, anyone I love or careabout when there's disconnection
that can result for me inanxiety, discontent,
frustration, pain, anger, all ofthose things. And so yeah, as

(27:12):
I'm learning through thisconversation, which I love so
much,being able to rest in a restored
repaired connection, is a waythat I stamped my passport into
common content temporarily untilI start worrying about all the
things again, right?

(27:34):
Yeah, and that's the otherdimension that I want to bring
in. And I want to try to do thisclearly as clearly as I can. But
some of these awarenesses havejust shown up today. I were, so
we're going to air this later.
But right now, in actuality,when we're recording it, it's
towards the end of August, andtour, I have four children. my

(27:57):
four children go to fourdifferent schools. Each one of
them has started on a differentweek. So this was week four. And
it's been bananas.
All the logistics, the kids goto different schools, partly
because one's in preschool, twoare in elementary school ones in

(28:20):
middle school. And the two thatare in elementary school, my big
kids mom is an elementary schoolteacher. So my stepson because
the school in Denver at herschool, and then my daughter
goes to school up here in thenorthern suburbs. Oh my
goodness. So what's beenconsuming me is the future

(28:42):
who's taking because all thesepickups and drop offs are the
same overlapping times and who'spicking up so and so on who's
dropping off so and so and thenmy stepdaughter broke her leg a
week and a half ago. And so it'sjust been all these logistics.
And I'm really blessed to have alot of support.

(29:05):
So if I work it out, right?
There's a grandma and a nannyand myself and, you know,
different people can do all ofthis. it'll, it'll all work out.
But I was, I was just talking tosomebody earlier, and I realized
there's a dimension of this. Sowhen I was five years old, I was
accidentally not picked up fromschool.

(29:30):
And it was the first bigtraumatic experience that I
actually remember.
And I just realized this morningas I was rereading the game plan
because things keep changing,especially with my stepdaughters
broken leg, but the nights thatthey're here have shifted and

(29:50):
there's thisnow I'm getting to the how the
past gets into the future.
There's this the stakesof making sure everybody is safe
and picked up and taken care of,are so much higher to my nervous
system than I realized untilthis morning when I just

(30:11):
happened to be having a casualconversation. I was like, Oh,
yeah, well, that was and then I,oh yeah, there was the one time
I wasn't picked up. And I wasfive years old, and I didn't
have my phone number memorized.
And I was sitting on the benchafter the little girl who my, my
poor mother's defense is goingto be listening to this and
cringing, she hadn't worked outthat I was supposed to be picked

(30:33):
up by another mom she carpooledwith.
But the other mom decided tosend her kid to an after school
program. So her kid, one dayjust gets on the van to the
after school program, and I'mleft there by myself. And the
little girl was like, No, you'renot coming with me. I'm doing
this now. So I sat and I waited,and I waited the compliant child
that I was and then I startedcrying. And then some very sweet

(30:55):
fourth or fifth grader came overand helped me. Like, this is the
this is probably 1980s. Youguys, this is an era when like a
kid that's five or six yearsold, could sit on a bench and
not a single adult.
That's problem here. I remembertimes I remember those times.
Yeah, we have a whole episodedig back in the episodes on

(31:18):
generations, becauseit's really funny having grown
up in the 80s. So that wouldhave been right around
1979 1980. And so this kind ofolder kid from school took me to
the office, and they ultimatelypulled up an index card out of a
little plastic box that had myparents phone number on it, and
one of them rolled in, but itwas extremely traumatizing. And

(31:38):
now I'm realizing thatthankfully, I am putting two and
two together after honestly, youguys it's been four weeks of
this, of like logistical justwho's who's on point for whom?
And how is this happening? Andunderneath it putting me but I
wanted to talk to you today washow to get my passport over to

(32:01):
common consent, because I'vebeen living in low grade
anxiety. And then I realizetrauma
is playing a role, like my pastis making the stakes of this
game so much higher than theyreally are. Yes, yes. Same Z's
same as these for me. And it'sso fascinating. So Amy and I are

(32:26):
both doing a compassionateinquiry class with Gabor Ma Tei.
I'm so excited. I love Gabor MaTei. So much love. And one of
the things he talks about is howwhen ever we are activated
whenever we are triggered painfrom the past has come alive in
our body. And we respond to itin a variety of ways. So as I'm

(32:52):
listening to you talk and i'mi'm also projecting here so I
want to fact check what's truefor you because I have, I have
those things that live in mybody. There was a day when my
daughter was in kindergarten,and I forgot that it was a half
day. And I did not pick her upon time. Like it was a special

(33:14):
thing for the teachers. Itwasn't a full day it was a half
day I was prepared to pick up atthe full day time. I didn't
check my calendar like I made amistake. I wasn't there. I get
the dreaded phone call from theschool. Hi, Carla. It's over
like your daughter's still hereI was like oh my god, I
traumatize my daughter I didn'teven mean to it was an accident

(33:37):
you know and like I never againand I already had my own
childhood traumas that werecausing me to be a hyper
vigilant This will never happenI will never do this parent and
then I do the thing that Ithought I would never do because
I thought I was doing everythingto make sure that never happened
and even now I can feel theactivation in my body and if I

(34:02):
if I slow down and I feel it andI ask it like who are you what
are what is the week what is thelife right now? I have childhood
stories of being left not pickedup feeling lost not knowing what
to do that fear that you knowsadness that those things they

(34:22):
live inside me and then I becamea mother and my default was
never for my children mychildren never never feel those
things because I did not like itand they won't either and I will
make sure they never feel it.
And that doesn't work.

(34:44):
It hasn't worked for me if anyy'all are out there managing to
keep that going. I see you Ilove you. I understand you. If
it comes crumbling down I coachpeople I'm here for you.
Cuz damn when it crumblesIt brings up all the layers and
then to be able to manage thoseand not because I also made one

(35:06):
of the cardinal parentingmistakes of I showed up like oh
my god, I'm so sorry are youokay to my daughter and you know
she's like geez mom calm downlike now I now I got to manage
your issue. You know like now ilike i at that moment in time
she's 14 now. So I've come along way. But at that point in

(35:27):
time I was unconsciously myfeelings my activation are
coming out my poor sweet littlesix year old is like, oh, now
mom's a wreck. Okay, so I havethis experience. Now, you know,
mom's not how I know shenormally is, like that I'll pay
for the therapy. But, um,but yeah, and so it's those
things from the past, they comeup, because when we're actually

(35:49):
only in the present moment, andwe're just responding to what's
actually in the present moment,right now, we don't have all
those layers of activation, wecan just be with the present
moment and go, Oh, okay, this iswhat's happening right now. This
is what needs to happen. Okay.
That's okay. It's not, I thinkthat's another possible passport

(36:12):
to calm and can content is justbeing in the present moment. And
then when we're when we getyanked out of common content, it
could be because something in usis activated and we're triggered
we're in the past or the future,because the you know, anxiety,
worry is usually about thefuture pain, sadness, depression

(36:33):
is usually about the past. Andso, yeah,
yeah. And that's where I'veunknowingly been bouncing back
and forth. On the left side ofthe graph between that low
pleasantness, low energy,sadness, and then that high,
higher energy, low pleasantnessanxiety,

(36:57):
and just didn't even know ituntil it just happened to come
out of my mouth when I wastalking about re re re redoing
the spreadsheet this morning.
logistics, you're like, I needto redo the spreadsheet for the
100th time because there wasthat one time that I wasn't
picked up. Oh, that's why I feelright. That's awesome. I love
that. Yeah. So when we're aware,maybe we don't even know because

(37:23):
sometimes I don't I'll fullyadmit, the fact that I had that
aha moment before the show was avery happy synchronicity. There
are plenty of times where I sitaround feeling anxious, I now
have a I won't sort of bragabout my abilities to feel my
feelings in my body because I'mstill feel like it's really

(37:46):
basic. Not not I feel myfeelings by thinking about the
really hard in my head.
Sometimes, I can feel them in mybody, I've become more aware of
shallow breathing tight stomachmuscles like essentially that
holding my breath almost thatnow I'm beginning to recognize

(38:09):
as anxiety, but I don't Laurenalways know what the trauma or
the trigger is about. Like Idon't always see it so clearly
as the like, Oh yeah, nobodypicked you up when you were
five, and now you're terrified,you're gonna drop the ball for
your kids. And so I'm alsointerested in taking this
conversation to a place of, wedon't always have to analyze it,

(38:31):
and understand it, in order toshift out of the anxiety or the
sadness. So I'm curious whatyour thoughts are on that. Yeah,
I love that question. A lot ofthe time, I don't have answers.
What I have is a body that hassensations happening inside it

(38:55):
and like you, I am prettypracticed at thinking my
feelings really hard andanalyzing them and trying to
name them and figure out whothey are. Why are you here? What
do you want? The what how can Ifix you or solve you My brain is
great at that. The feelingsdon't respond like I want them
to but the brain is like I'vegot this you know, um, and then

(39:20):
I notice I if I notice my mindso what I want to
suggest and explore it could Icould even phrase it as a
question because I don't knoweither. But what I'm wondering
is, can we bring calm inalongside these other things,

(39:44):
because I feel like you know, ifI'm feeling anxious, if I'm just
if I'm functioning on that lowlevel, anxiety, hyper vigilance
place, and I'm not even noticingit. I'm not even aware of it.
I'm just anxious. I'm hypervigilant. That's just what's
happening. If I notice it,It's like the power of noticing
the power of awareness, thepower of the witness. I'm like
cultivating this internalwitness part of myself. If I

(40:08):
notice that's happening. And Isay to myself, Oh, I'm feeling
anxious, my heart is racing, I'mbreathing shallowly
have what's going on here. Andthe witness goes, I'm familiar
with this. Are you trying to doeverything perfect? Make sure
everybody's happy. Nobody getshurt, you know, what's your,

(40:29):
what's going on right now? Okay,we see that we can have
compassion for that, that makessense that you're doing that,
like the calm comes and sitsnext to the anxiety and goes, I
see you, I hear you, I love you.
And the anxiety is like, Okay,good, because this is all really
important. And I got to do this.
And I got to do that. And I gotto end the comp like, yeah,
yeah, that makes sense. I seeyou, I hear you. And then my

(40:52):
body relaxes a little. Like, theanxiety didn't disappear. I
didn't dissolve it. I didn'tlike it. I'm not like 123 magic,
switch your anxiety into calm?
No way. I'm not. That's not. Idon't, I can't. Yeah, I don't
even know what I'm talkingabout.
I feel like I can invite thecalm in, I can invite the

(41:12):
witness in, I can invite in thepart that can say this makes
sense, it's understandable. Andthen sometimes that part can
also go You know what, you mighteven achieve your goals better
if you actually slow down alittle. And if that calm part
can say that to the anxious partwith love, and not with
judgment. Because if thejudgment part comes in, then the

(41:33):
anxiety part doubles down, andit's like, See, this is why I
have to be perfect, because theI'm always being judged for
everything, you know, so thatdoesn't work. But if it's just
with love, and compassion, likeyou know what, if you slow down,
you might even have bettersuccess at what you want. I see
you, I see what you want. Andsometimes I can, like, calm a
little bit more without lettinggo of what I'm anxious about,

(41:55):
because I'm anxious about thingsthat are really important to me.
And so I don't want to let go ofthem, I just want to interact
with them in a way that feels alittle bit better in my body.
Yeah, I love that. And a coupleof things there that I want to
highlight. One is, I actuallyalso have this theory that you

(42:19):
can be in more than one quadrantat one time.
Perhaps it's done a theory,perhaps it's my observation of
myself. And I would invite ourlisteners to look inside and see
if they're feeling more than onething at once. I feel like that
happens a lot. It's I love andyou and I love to do this, I
love that there's a constructthat can help us parse

(42:41):
everything apart, so we can makesense of it. And sometimes
that's an oversimplification ofhow the human experience
actually shows up, because it'sso much more multifaceted, which
you always so beautifully remindus of. So yeah, I feel like we
can be more than one state atone time. And also what you

(43:02):
talked about doing just thenwhere your calm part and your
anxious part are sort of havinga conversation is pausing and
getting present to what'soccurring inside of you. And
that I think comes full circleback to being present. And
that's the access. That's thepassport right there. I don't

(43:23):
know why I had forgotten that.
Because when we wrote Notes forthis episode a couple months
ago, it was about calm contentand present and present seems
like the access to this wholespace. And I wanted to
mention a couple of other what Ithink are ways that we can shift

(43:47):
into this, because one we justtalked about is pausing and
noticing what's actuallyhappening, we're actually
feeling in our bodies. Another Iwanted to just talk a little bit
about a couple of things that Idon't do with frequency, but I
know are the part of theformula. If you would ask

(44:10):
somebody for how do I do this?
And one is meditation. Anotherone I did before we by accident,
I did. I'm so resistant tojournaling, and I have no idea
why. The thing that I quoteunquote, I'm doing air quotes
y'all should do. But I ended updoing my version of journaling,
just preparing for this thismorning. And I ended up feeling
so much better. I was like, Ohmy gosh, I'm already shifting,

(44:33):
because I'm making. I just forwhatever reason, wrote down all
the anxious stuff, and then allof a sudden, was on a page. So
it didn't have to be socontained within my mind because
now somehow it was out, justhelped move it out or even give
it some motion. So I wonder ifyou could talk a little bit

(44:56):
about your practices becauseyou're much more practice.
seeinga lot more practice. To me,
sometimes you make me soundbetter than I am. I think that's
one of the ways you love peopleyou're so like, you just love
people, and you see them intheir best possible light. And I
love that about you. And thensometimes I'm also like, I feel

(45:17):
like I'm being put on apedestal, I need to jump off
that because that's now I'mgonna have imposter syndrome.
But yeah, so I love what youwere saying, I and I feel like I
also feel like I want tochallenge you to give yourself
more credit, because we're allon this learning journey. No one
has arrived, you know. And sowhen you talk about how I know

(45:41):
this is helpful, and I don'talways do it, that's pretty much
all of us. And I did it. Andthis is how I experienced it.
Yeah, awesome, amazing. Andyou're sharing it. And so I will
pretty much echo you. And saythat one of the things that
resonated deeply with me thatyou were saying is, when I write
things down, and I see them onthe page, I have taken them out

(46:06):
of myself, like I've createdsome space, it helps me witness,
if it's all swirling inside me,sometimes, and I would say I
really want to say to people,though, like if you have an
aversion to writing things down,or if you have an aversion to
meditation, I literally it tookme three years, at least, of

(46:30):
intending to start a meditationpractice, but not doing it and
not knowing why like literallyfor three years, I was telling
people tomorrow I'm going tostart meditating 10 minutes
every morning, I've heard howgreat of an idea this is. And
I'm gonna start doing it, I'mgonna really am I really am and
then three years of like, Ishould do this, but I'm not.
That's weird. It's not weird.
It's human.

(46:54):
Like I and then eventually. AndI don't even know I'm like,
eventually I felt more ready. Sothen I finally started it. And
then it did benefit me. And thenI was like, why didn't I do this
sooner? And I could say, well, Iguess I wasn't ready. I don't
know. Because even thoughsometimes I love writing things
down, and it creates a littlebit of space and distance from

(47:18):
the things and I can witnessthem. And I feel that sense of
relief and relaxation. There areother times when I'm buzzing
with anxiety, and I don't wantto write anything down. And I
also tried to honor that, like Ireally try not to force myself
when it feels like it's goingagainst what's true for me in

(47:40):
that moment. But it'scomplicated, because I'm also
aware that some of my copingmechanisms and some of my
survival patterns,block my access to things that
help me. So in a moment when I'manxious, and I don't want to
write things down. And I know itwould be good for me because

(48:01):
people have been telling me thatbut I just don't want to.
I think what's happening for meis my survival pattern is
activated. And it's saying, No,I'm not going to write this
down. Because you're trying toget me to stop worrying about
stuff that's really important.
And I'm going to keep right onworrying about it, because
that's how I stay alive. Andthere's value there, right? So

(48:22):
if I can see that I go, Oh, I'mstill trying to care for myself,
I'm still trying to survive, I'mstill trying to stay connected
to what's important to me, whenI'm calm. I can write things
down. And I can still choose toworry about them. If that's what
I want to choose I when I'm calmwhen I'm not triggered. I'm not

(48:43):
afraid that writing things downor meditating is going to hurt
me in some way that I can'tchange. But when I'm triggered,
I'm like, What if I don't likewhat's in my brain, if I start
meditating, and I see stuff, Idon't want to see it, maybe I
don't want to see it. Maybe I'mtoo busy. Maybe I'm too tired,
maybe I can't do it. Maybe Idon't want to do it. Maybe
meditation is not for me. Andyou know, that could be true. Or

(49:07):
it could be coping mechanismsand ways to keep myself I could
say keep myself stuck. But it'skeep myself stuck in a survival
pattern that was programmed tokeep me alive. So I guess I
understand. I understand that.
But in my experience, when Ieventually started a meditation

(49:29):
practice, and it was reallyessential for me to make it my
own. When I tried to meditatehow other people said to
meditate, I resisted that aswell because I felt like someone
was telling me what to do andhow to do it with my own mind.
And I didn't like that. Soeventually, I was able to give
myself permission to experimentwith meditation and find

(49:52):
something that worked for me. Ihad tons of resistance to the
kind of meditation that somepeople talk
About that's like, getting allthe thoughts out of your head.
And if a thought shows up,you're supposed to like, let it
go get it back out, have a blankmind that that felt too scary to

(50:12):
my nervous system that didn'tfeel safe. How could I worry
about all the things that I hadto worry about to keep myself
and my loved ones alive? Ifthere were no thoughts in my
head, like, No, thank you, I'masking to be, you know,
murdered, I don't like it. Andso that didn't work for me or my
nervous system. But what didwork for me eventually was, I'm
just going to spend 10 minutes,sitting with my eyes closed and

(50:34):
being present to what's insideme, I will witness it, I will
allow it, I will observe it, Iwill notice it, I will not try
to get rid of it. I will just bewith it. And that was life
changing. For me. That wastransformative. I did that every
day for a year. And I am adifferent person because of it.

(50:55):
And it's still something thatbenefits me when I do it. If I
do it, and I don't always do itnow. I'll go weeks without it.
And I'll start, and then I'llrealize I'm chronically
activated. And then I'm like,Oh, I haven't been doing my 10
minutes. I wonder if that'smaking a difference here.

(51:16):
weird how when you stop doingthat, you just are swirling all
the time, Lauren? Like what'sgoing on? And so, you know, and
why is that? Why? I don't know.
It's hard to maintain thesethings. It's hard to there's
something difficult about doingthe things that we know we
should do we know they'rehealthy, we know they're
helpful, even if we'veexperienced it. I mean, ranging

(51:37):
from the things people tell meto do that sounds like they're
probably a good idea. But Idon't know about that, to the
things that I've literally donethat have benefited me
immensely. And then sometimes Istill resist doing them, like
nope, not now.
What is such a lightbulb momentfor me in the way that you're

(51:58):
talking about both journalingand meditation is this access to
being the witness, alsosometimes called the observer,
and I until this veryconversation was not seeing
that, and I can now understandwhy those are so powerful,
because we talk about inconscious parenting and in

(52:20):
consciousness being, what do wesay, like, I am the watcher,
watching the feeler of thefeelings are you being the
observer, essentially, so thatwe can create that conscious
pause. And in these momentswhere things are coming up,
we're not totally collapsed. Andso if we can both experience the

(52:42):
feelings, which I only everlived in that one, I am my
thoughts and my feelings for along, long, long time. And then
over time, have been learning tobecome the witness or observer
of my thoughts and feelings.
That'severything that unlock so much.
And what I wasn't realizingabout journaling was that then

(53:04):
as I write it down, I become theobserver, the witness of it. And
also what I had literally nevergiven myself permission to do
meditating. Which is why I findit so frustrating and difficult,
is because I'm still inside ofreleased the thoughts released
the thoughts. Oh, they're likeballoons floating up to the

(53:24):
skies, and never actually givingmyself permission to just
witness what's happening there.
It's always me trying to controlit and do it right, quote,
unquote, right? Anddoesn't work that way for me.
And so I think that's part ofwhy I've stopped or found that I
get into it, and it doesn't it'snot a sort of a self. It's not a

(53:48):
What do they call that like avirtuous cycle for me? Yeah. And
I really, I wonder if I justshow up for 10 minutes and
witness whatever showing upthere. That feels like a
different, a wholly differentthing I haven't tried before.
I'm excited.

(54:09):
Yeah, and what you're sharingreally deeply resonates with me
as well. And I want to inviteour listeners to check in and
see what resonates with them.
Because I can imagine I can usemy imagination to imagine
someone could be listening tothis for whom the letting the
thoughts go is really lifeaffirming and works for them.

(54:31):
And if that person is listeningright now or people I would say
that's fantastic, amazing. Ifyou utilize something and it
resonates with you and it worksfor you, and it feels good to
your body and your mind and youfeel that increase in health and
well being awesome. And to thoseof us like me, and you Amy we're

(54:53):
just sharing in this moment whofind ourselves maybe resisting
certain suggestions or ways ofpresencing or connecting with
ourselves. We can experimentwith different ways that might
work better for us. And so for,you know, for those of us for

(55:15):
whom trying to get rid of thethoughts becomes one more
perfectionistic attempt at doingit right. And then it's
counterproductive to what we'regoing for just permission to
just witness what's there andnot try to change it, not try to
improve it, fix it, get it whereit's supposed to be, that could

(55:36):
be a really beautiful way toenter presence and connection
with ourselves in the moment, itwas for me, and it has been for
me, and that's been just reallyvaluable to me to give myself
permission to experiment withhow I do you think since find
something that works better forme, I love that. And I have in

(55:57):
the past tended to be the personthat looks to the expert
outside.
And lately, especially with yourencouragement,
I've been stepping into whatworks for me, I'll make up my
own thing.

(56:18):
Yeah, you know, I think thatthat's an invitation we can give
all of our listeners, right forthose of us who were educated in
a very traditional way, wherethere was a right answer and a
wrong answer, and the people atthe front of the room do
everything, and you weresupposed to just absorb and then
regurgitate, which is how Iwould describe my educational
experience. I've had to and I,that's part of why I love the

(56:41):
reimagining education seriesthat we've been doing. I really
had to rewire my brain incertain ways. And there was a
part of me that didn't even givemyself permission to think that
I could know how I couldmeditate.
Yes, and what's coming up for meright now is, I think one of the

(57:01):
sources of that commonexperience of low grade anxiety,
hyper vigilance could possiblybe the ways we have
traditionally and historicallydisconnected children from their
authentic selves, because thatis anxiety inducing, if I'm the
child in that traditionalclassroom with the teacher at

(57:23):
the front of the room, who hasall the right answers, and I'm
being asked a question, and Iget it wrong. And then I'm
embarrassed in front of thewhole class. And then I'm like,
I'm wrong. I don't know what'strue. I don't know what's right.
I can't trust myself. Now I'mworried now I'm scared. Now I'm

(57:44):
uncomfortable. Now, I don't wantthis to ever happen again. So
now I have to get all the rightanswers and have them ready, or
I just need to hide. So theteacher won't call on me like
that the traditional model ofeducation where the adult in the
front of the room knows and islike depositing information into
the, you know, the empty blankreceptacles that are children.

(58:05):
That's not what children are.
And that's been part of thetopic of our imagining education
series. Children are wholehumans who are actively making
meaning of their experiences.
And the meaning I made of thosekinds of experiences with I
can't trust myself. So now I'mscared all the time. And part of

(58:27):
my healing process has beenlearning to trust myself, again.
So it's a returning to thatauthentic truth that lives
inside me. And trying to do itin a way that honors everyone
else's authentic truth thatlives inside them as well,

(58:48):
because that traditionaleducation model
is built on the false premisethat there's one objective
truth, and the teacher knows it,and the students don't, and the
teacher has to give it to them.
And then they have to receive itcorrectly, and repeat it
correctly, and embody itcorrectly. But it didn't come

(59:10):
from them. And sometimes itdoesn't work for them. And so I
love that you and I are on thisjourney as adults, to return
home to ourselves and toreimagine what is possible and
that we're seeking tocollaborate with people who are
helping educate children in away that doesn't do that to

(59:34):
them. Like that doesn't requirethem to stop trusting themselves
and separate from what's truefor them. Because I'll tell you
what, I might have startedmeditating three years sooner if
I trusted myself. Yeah.

(59:57):
One last thought that wasoccurring to me
When you were talking,well, this doesn't have to be
the last lap. But a couple ofother thoughts that I have my I
am blessed to have a four yearold still. And so whenever I am
feeling not present,I would suggest to anyone who
can find a three or a four yearbe in their presence because

(01:00:23):
they'reYeah, and they're, they're so
present. Yeah, they have, it'sso interesting to even push a
bit further on the notion thatadults at the front of the room
who are supposedly the theholders of the one truth
actually might have forgottenand can learn so much from the

(01:00:43):
children in the room. And yes,that he my little four year old,
he's, he's, he's super present,and I pray that we'll be able to
navigate the world to at least Idon't know, that actually is
anxiety producing for me tocontemplate him. Exactly. Like
you were saying of the Oh myGod, I don't want this to happen

(01:01:06):
to my child where I leave themand they feel abandoned, and
they feel unsafe. I also have afair bit now at the beginning of
the school year of anxietyaround our educational choices.
And oh, my goodness, is he atthe right school? Is she at the
right school? Is he she? likeare they at the school that's
really going to allow theirwhole beings to, to allow

(01:01:35):
them to remain as whole aspossible? to ever feel that?
Well, you unschooled your kids?
Well, I didn't know always soyes, I know that. And yeah, what
I would say to that is, yes,yes, yes, I, I feel with you the
fear and the anxiety aroundmaking choices for my children

(01:01:57):
that contributed, that may ormay not have contributed in my
children's cases, there are someways that I know it did
contribute to them havingsimilar experiences, to me in
the sense that they were alsorequired by their environment,
to disconnect from theirauthentic selves in varying

(01:02:19):
degrees in varying ways that wasthe expectation placed upon
them. And I have anxiety aboutthe fact that I repeated that,
and I know that, and I also, thehope that I offer myself, and my
clients and anyone that I talkedto about this, and the hope that

(01:02:40):
Amy, you and I are embodyingright now is, we can always
return to ourselves, thatauthentic self that we were
asked to disconnect from, if ityou know, maybe it'll happen
with your children, maybe itwon't, even if it does, the

(01:03:03):
authentic self doesn'tdisappear, it's not gone, it can
become hidden, it can becomerepressed, it can, you know, we
can have layers of copingmechanisms stacked on top of it,
that if we just keep repeatingthose on autopilot, we're not
fully embodying and fullyexpressing our authentic self,

(01:03:28):
but it's still there. Andthere's always the possibility
of returning to it, and creatingmore space and more of an
invitation for it to exist fullyin the world. And like, I'm
living proof of that right now.
Like, that's the journey I'm on.
And that's the direction inwhich I'm moving. And if I can

(01:03:48):
do it, anyone can do it. Sothat's, that's the hope that I
offer, in addition to theacknowledgement that Yeah, some
of us I mean, myself included,for sure, have repeated these
unconscious, authentic selfdisconnecting things with my

(01:04:08):
children I have I have done it,and now I'm co creating
differently with them, and doingmy best to try to support them
in returning to their authenticselves and embodying that more
so.
Yeah, yeah. I love it.

(01:04:32):
Yeah, well, this has been such awonderful conversation for me. I
hope that other people benefitfrom it as well. I love how
we're sort of wrapping up ourfeeling our way to wholeness
series, in this calm contentplace that I feel is a place

(01:04:53):
that I can arrive at when I'mwilling and able to feel my way
through whateveris present. And so I like that
this kind of is coming at theend of our culmination here. And
you know, we've been through joyand sadness, anger and passion,
fear, anxiety. And several ofthose came up again today

(01:05:14):
because of theinterconnectedness of all of
these feelings. And then here weare talking about how do we
stamp that passport into commoncontent. And we've shared
different ways to do it. And Iwould invite listeners, if you
have other ideas, if you werelistening, and you were like,
you know what, I think there'sanother way and I've identified
it, and I had this aha moment.

(01:05:36):
We would love to hear from you.
Email us, let us know what cameup for you what you're aware of.
Trust yourself. You have wisdomtoo, and I would love to hear
it. So thank you.
Lauren, at soul path parentingcalm, Amy at full parenting

(01:05:57):
calm. We really would love tohear from you. Thank you so much
for joining us on this journey.
Beyond our way to wholeness. Ithas been really a husband and
joy.
Yeah, thank you.