January 22, 2024 • 32 mins
Whats up everybody, Happy New Year! Sorry I've been gone but I have been sick and out of commission. This is the season premiere of season 5, thanks for sticking with me. I am posting the last part of Beyond The Pain. In this episode we discuss the physical toll of grief and the crucial role of faith, therapy, and community in carrying us through our darkest moments. We discover that living purposefully while loving people we've lost is the greatest tribute.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
ulated.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
What's up everybody.
It's your boy, anthony.
Welcome to another edition ofSpade, the podcast.
Happy New Year, merry Christmas, happy Thanksgiving, all of
that.
Sorry, it's been a while sinceI posted an episode.
First, I've been sick.
(01:06):
I got sick like several times,so I'm just trying to recoup
from the latest time since I'vebeen sick.
It's almost going on a month.
So, yeah, trying to get overthis cough and, yeah, been crazy
(01:31):
.
Anyway, I'm going to releasethis finale of this episode of
Beyond the Pain, part two, andI'll have some new episodes
coming soon, so y'all stay tunedfor that.
Again, thanks for rocking withme.
(01:53):
Again, happy New Year.
We made it to 2024.
Alright, I can't talk anymore,so I'm going to go into a cough
and frenzy.
So I hope y'all liked theepisode.
Yeah, stay tuned.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
And just to piggyback off of what you said, I
remember when I lost my greatgrandmother, and during that
time we knew that it was goingto end because she was, her
health was starting to declineand she was suffering from sun
(02:49):
downers.
Sun downers yeah, that's likethe I think it's another stage
of dementia and Alzheimer's typething.
So she was suffering from thatand health was on down.
So we knew that was coming.
The funeral was very difficultbecause, even though we knew
(03:14):
it's just, it's a difficultthing, after the whole process
and everything, I had a dreamabout her and this is like a
couple, I want to say a couplemonths later, or either a week
later or a couple nights later Ithink it was after I left South
(03:38):
Carolina, after everything over, and we all went back home and
I had a dream.
And I had a dream and I wastalking with her.
It was like a white room and inthis dream the emotion was just
so, it was so great and I heardher voice and I heard her say
(04:06):
it's okay, it's okay, you can,it's okay and you can, let me go
.
And I heard her say that to mebecause we were just talking in
my dream and everything.
And then I said that and assoon as she said that to me, it
just broke me in that dream andit's like I wanted to cry but I
(04:32):
couldn't cry, you know, and Icouldn't.
I don't I'm trying to say Idon't think I could see her, but
I heard her voice and it wasjust white.
And then she said that a coupleof times and after that I woke
(04:52):
up and I was heartbroken.
But then I knew that, I knewthat hearing that, I was like
okay, I understand, but it'sjust very it's a difficult thing
, you know, especially hearingthat, like you said, grief,
(05:16):
dealing with loss, it's a thingof where you know it's a process
where it's time to get overthat and people, people can deal
with it in various ways andsometimes dealing with grief can
(05:43):
cause anger, feelings of anger,when they lose their loved ones
, because I've had you know.
Different friends have said thatyou know they felt angry that
their loved ones are gone.
(06:04):
Have you, were you guys?
Did you guys feel that, I guess, anger that your loved ones
were gone, that you just feltlife?
Why are you gone?
Why did you leave me?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
That's not for me.
I felt anger after a series ofdeaths, Really in like a two
year span.
It was several people thatpassed that were loved ones.
(06:40):
Like, really like 2016,.
First my sister the baby passed.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
My baby, my sister her baby passed.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Six weeks old.
She passed.
Then it was few months afterthat.
Then my cousin passed and shewas only, she was only 30, like
32 years old.
She passed and then it was aperson I grew up with calling
him Uncle.
(07:11):
He passed.
Then there was it was a lotThen my grandmother, then my
grandfather, then my aunt, then,when Felicia passed, and then
with Kevin, my cousin, kevinpassed.
It was a lot.
I experienced anger then, causeit was like all these people
(07:32):
that I felt a connection to,like all my outlets, all my
telechores were taking from me.
Like I felt naked, like youstripped them from all your and
it's like what do you?
Like I'm like I got a problem.
I got a problem and it was amoment to where I went on.
(07:53):
I went on pause for a minuteCause I felt like doing all this
transition, career change, jobchange, relationship change I
was like it was so many things Iwas experiencing.
That was a death.
That was just.
That was just leaving me and Idid get angry.
(08:15):
I did experience anger and Iwas.
I had an attitude, I had myoutlet with that anger.
I'm not gonna say was likephysically destructive, but it
was destructive mentally, mostlyinwardly, cause I felt that I
(08:39):
was.
You get to a place of beingknown.
You don't want to feel.
You don't want to feel anything, Cause all I feel right now is
just a low place and hurt, andit's sitting real heavy.
It's sitting real heavy Like Idon't even, I don't even care,
(09:02):
no more.
That's the kind of attitudethat you have Like I don't even
care, no more.
What's the purpose?
What's the purpose?
And as close as a close inrelationship or your background
are growing up with your faith,your resistance.
All that you know, I don't wantto hear, I don't want to hear
the.
Lord, no business.
I don't want to hear that, Idon't want to hear it.
(09:23):
I don't want to hear.
You know God don't make nomistakes.
I don't want to hear nothing.
That's just being honest andbeing real and not.
You know, we all go up in thechurch and everything we know
scriptures, all don't quotenothing to me, nothing.
I didn't want to hear it and Ithink a lot of times we have a
facade, sometimes that we livebehind, but for me that was my
(09:45):
truth and I remember a ministersaying he's like you know well,
god is doing this.
I was like, well, right now Idon't need to hear it from you,
and you know, I know that theywere offended.
But right now my truth is don't, don't, don't come to me with
no scriptures, don't come to mewith none of it.
I don't want to hear it, Idon't want to hear it.
(10:07):
And that was that was honestuntil God had I mean God had to
work on me.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
He had to work on me he really did.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And that's and that's , and that's my truth.
So I I think, once you get to aplace to where you realize that
I don't have to be a certainway because you have an idea
like you don't want to, you wantto keep going, but you don't
want to keep going.
You know you want to go behinda wall and just cry or just kick
(10:39):
off from everybody.
You know, but you don't want to.
You know you can.
Oh, it's okay to shed a fewtears, but dry your eyes.
No, friend, you can't tell me todry my eyes.
Yeah, you couldn't tell me that.
And one thing I've I've beenwith others that have lost love
ones and whatnot.
My first thing I'll say is you,you feel how you feel.
(11:02):
You feel how you feel and youcan't let nobody tell you that
you're wrong for how you feel.
You have to process it the waythat you need to process it.
You know, and you'll have a comeas you said earlier, xenia, you
have a come to Jesus moment atsome point.
You know God, god will revealhimself to you and it don't, and
(11:25):
it takes him to do it.
Sometimes it don't, it's notnecessarily a person, and you
have people there that supportyou, you know, that want to be
encouraging.
I don't, I don't discreditanybody because they're trying
to.
They're trying to be there andbe supported.
You know what I'm saying.
But in those moments sometimesyou don't need anybody to say
anything.
Sometimes you might just needsomebody to sit there.
(11:47):
Yeah, you know, you just needsomebody, you don't.
You don't need them to saynothing.
You don't need because theycan't fix it.
Yeah, you can't fix it.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Exactly so.
Did you have that type of angle?
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (12:08):
I'm kind of in the same boat, you know, with Laina.
I think there was a series.
I think mine kind of worked theopposite.
My mother passed again in, youknow, 2011.
Then, as late as the completioncousin, who was like a sister,
who was my aunt, who took me inafter my mother passed.
It was her daughter and youknow she checked up on me
(12:31):
constantly and so she passedaway like two and a half years
later.
Then my aunt passed away Right,as a matter of fact, in the
heart of COVID.
It was 2020.
Then my uncle passed away in2021.
My grandmother, my father'sgrandmother, passed away in 2022
(12:51):
.
So I always say and I think youknow, even kind of listening to
Laina's story and yours, youknow there's a scripture that
says that we don't mourn.
You know, like others who don'thave any hope and like I think
a common thing that I've, thatI've heard so far, is like the
hope part.
So but you know, when my motherpassed, I didn't have any
(13:14):
because you know, I was kind ofpeople look at me crazy when I
tell them this but like I'venever doubted God, but I was
like angry with him, you know,because my mother Jesus first
cousin, like you know she was inchurch, mount Sinai, every time
.
Every time the door was openand it wasn't just that church
thing, it was, you know, shetaught us in the home she would
(13:34):
always say why she was battlingcancer, that that two and a half
years that she did that I'm not, I'm not going to die.
You know she had extreme faithand so when that time came, I'm
like wait a minute.
This is a woman who was asingle mother.
She worked two jobs.
She went to school to get amaster's degree to take care of
her children.
She gave her money faithfully,like people who did her wrong.
(13:59):
She smiled in their face, sheloved them, like just a genuine
good person, love God.
And so you talking about angry,like I was angry with him and I
think that kind of manifesteditself physically.
Like you know, I was duringthat time.
I can laugh about it now eventhough it wasn't funny then.
But you know my wife, I would,you know, get angry and I would
(14:22):
hit stuff.
Like as a time I remember I wasso angry I hit the side of my
door in the car and like brokethe part where you let the
window up, like the automaticwindow.
Like it broke like because andthat that was just a patient of
how angry that I was, but youknow as losing more people and,
like later, said that come toJesus, meaning, after that, and
(14:43):
I started losing people, Istarted to realize that you know
, things that my mother told mewas coming to fruition, so that
kind of turned.
Okay, god, I see you moving,because my mother will always
tell me that I was set apart,that I was chosen.
I'm like my mama all mama saythat about all the children.
But, like I said, I never forget, during the, the, the planning
(15:07):
process, I was in the room withmy aunt, my sister, coco, and my
like like my cousins who wereplanning and I said I want to
say something and they thought Iwas talking about you know,
right there it's like, yeah, yousay what you want to say.
I said no at the funeral and Ihad no idea what I was going to
say, literally to like themorning of, and I got up there
and I realized that this is whatmy mama was talking about, like
(15:30):
the calling that I have on mylife was literally coming into
fruition in her death as thingsstarted to move and I started to
lose more people and God kindof started to use me, based on
the experience that I had withmy mother, it that anger went
from okay I'm angry, now I'm sad, now I'm gaining some hope, and
(15:51):
that turned into a foundationand that foundation turned into,
okay, I get it.
This is what she was talkingabout.
So I think I think people whodeal with these feelings, like
Lanna said, you just got to letit play itself out.
And I think the important point, you know, playing itself out
is you know, you know me, yougot you always my.
(16:13):
I always go back to God.
That relationship you got tohave to relate to because, if
not everything else in thisworld, people, whatever it is
that you're trying to draw totheir temporary and at the same
time, they're human, just likeyou are, but they may need a day
where they're dealing withsomething in their life and you
have to know that source.
(16:35):
The Bible tells us that we canlay out burdens down.
Ask our cares upon him.
So the happiness that we feel,man, we are a source to lay that
, to lay that stuff down, andI'm a living witness, I think
Lanna's a living witness andyou're a living witness of
sometimes.
We just got to go through thatprocess and lay that stuff down,
because I think the biggestthing that a lot of people do is
(16:58):
carry that weight.
One because they don't know howto communicate.
Or two, they feel like nobodycares.
They feel on.
That was my problem.
I felt like I was alone with somany people surrounding me.
But I think you have to find agood support system.
Like Lanna said, sometimes justlet them know.
I just need you just to be here, not to say nothing.
I just need you, but alsopeople who know who you are and
(17:21):
kind of know your ebbs and flowsof what you're going for.
More importantly, just havingthat relationship with God.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Right.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
And channeling, channeling that to him into and
into something else.
Where it does start to, itdoesn't hardly a heart, it
starts to change Absolutely.
And I, one thing I would saywhen you experience and death,
sometimes individuals, you don't, I don't have any, I don't have
any regrets.
I don't have any regrets, Ithink sometimes.
(17:52):
I think it's a hard piecesometimes for people when they
have regret Absolutely.
I wish I should have or thisthing or the other, but I don't
have any regrets and I feel asthough even experiencing
physical loss with individuals Iknow without a shadow about
each person, knew how I feltabout them and how they felt
(18:12):
about me, and that makes adifference as well.
Sometimes we've given death toomuch glory.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yeah, we've given it too much glory and it's all it
is.
It's literally that.
It's a transition.
It's just another phase that weall experience and, whether it
be there's physical, there'smental, emotional, there's you
go through things, even in everyday.
You may be physically stillhere, but you experience a death
(18:48):
, whether it be relationship,whether it be job or whatever it
looks like.
But you have to.
You can't have any regrets andyou, literally, as you grow, you
learn to cherish every moment,because life is just that.
It is just a vapor.
Yeah, absolutely, it is just avapor.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
I was going to ask what do you tell people that
have regrets and say I wish Iwould have done X, y and Z, and
especially for the people thatare feuding with somebody?
You know what I'm saying,because there's a lot of people
that issues with family members,whatever, and then of course
(19:33):
you obviously, and you have thatunexpected death, or then
they're just like, oh my god, Ididn't say what I want to say.
And again, what do you tellthat person?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
It's a hard pill to swallow, but I mean it's really
a hard pill to swallow, but it'sa lesson.
Even in that and at a point,just in life in general, you
have to learn how to forgiveyourself, even though that
person may not be there for youto say I'm sorry or whatever.
(20:10):
Or if you feel regret or feelthat guilt, you have to release
yourself from that and you haveto release it to God, and he's
the only one that can give youpeace.
Yeah, he's the only one who cangive you peace and sometimes I
know that it is a struggle forsome people sometimes because
(20:31):
you have those moments, but youhave to forgive yourself Because
the enemy can use that regretas a noose around your neck,
mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
That's true.
Final thoughts what would youtell somebody as far as it's
going through dealing with lossand grief and they just need a
roadmap or something just tohelp them to get started,
(21:08):
whether it be the loss of aparent, loss of a grandparent, a
child, either unexpectedly ordue to any type of outside
circumstances, what would youtell them?
And, like you said, they don'twant to hear the church quote,
(21:33):
unquote, it's going to be OK,god, it's in God's plan, et
cetera.
What would you tell?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
them.
I say to honor.
You honor them and you honorthem in a way of living your
best life.
That's the best thing you cando, even with us sharing the
heart loss that we all haveexperienced.
We're here now and we haven'tshared a tear and we're able to
(22:01):
talk about it.
There's, sometimes, there'sliberty in that.
That's free within itself andit's evident that God has played
a major part.
It's just like you have a womb.
You see that womb, but it don'thurt no more.
It don't hurt like it used to.
It might still be tender.
(22:22):
It might still be tender, butthe best thing I would suggest
is the love that you have forthose individuals.
Take that love and be the bestthat you can be and be the best
person that you can be and toshow take that love that you
(22:42):
have for them and give it awayto other people and other things
in life.
You know, that's how I feel.
I think you should do.
You honor them in the best way,because the love that they have
for you, they would want thebest for you and you take that
(23:02):
and just honor them.
Walk in the space that you knowthat they're smiling, they're
at peace with you, just withthat alone.
That's the proof.
That's how I would.
My advice is always just to beyour best person.
That love, take that love thatyou have and that they have,
(23:24):
that you have for one another,and use it to the best to be
that light.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Exactly.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
I would say God, community and lay in a touch on
it briefly.
But therapy I know if you'dasked me a couple of years ago
like views on therapy hasdrastically changed, especially
now since I'm going to schoolfor psychology.
But even before then I startedto see that the things that a
(24:00):
lot of church people or peoplewho are kind of thinking one way
kind of tainted, but God hasliterally gave us gifts in the
earth to be able to use to helpheal these people.
Even the Bible said it's wisecounsel.
So I say God, community andtherapy, god of course being the
(24:23):
first and foremost.
You know that's my go to life.
I remember just this year Godhad released something off of me
dealing with my own motherYou're talking about.
This is 11 years ago.
It just goes back to that wholetime of grief thing.
While I'm grieving, necessarilyhard, but certain times you
(24:45):
know it would get rough on meJust wondering, you know I would
feel the sun now at nine yearsold.
Why lost at 17.
But God spoke to me.
He said time doesn't heal allwounds, but I do so.
While time and I heal allwounds, god definitely does, and
he doesn't operate in our time.
So it could be six months forone person, it could be six
(25:07):
years for the next person.
But my father told me when Iwas going through the whole
grieving process is that there'sno work without progress and
there's no progress without work.
So you got to work in whileyou're looking to progress, and
that includes definingcommunities, a community of
people, or it could be oneperson that you know you can
(25:28):
turn to in those moments.
That way you can have somebodyright there that's offering a
support system for you, but alsotherapy.
You know, don't be afraid to go, sit down and talk with someone
who is licensed and educated inthis manner, who can point you
in the right direction and getyou on a path to healing.
(25:48):
I just say, like Lana said,find something that works for
you.
But it's not at first because,again, if you draw night to him,
he'll draw night to you.
If you keep him first and youdraw to him, I promise you there
is no limits to the healing andno limits to the blessings that
he has, even in the face ofdeath, that he could use to
(26:11):
start your testimony for otherpeople who's going through as
well.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Absolutely, absolutely, and you literally,
just you took my points that Iwas going to say we had that
psychology, the same thing thatI was going to say you know, but
the mental health side, youknow a lot of people.
(26:38):
They don't take advantage oftherapy and they don't take
advantage of counseling.
So definitely, what I was goingto recommend, especially in
this day and age, is to go seekhelp, because you always it's
good to have just that third,unbiased party, your emotions to
(27:02):
that person, without worry ofjudgment, without worry of you
know anything.
So it's always just good tojust to have that safe space.
You know, and it's so manyresources out there as far as
work with them and counseling,and even if you don't want to do
(27:23):
it in person, they have onlinetherapy on one account.
So it's so many good resources.
This was a very insightful livepodcast, so thank you guys for
(27:44):
being on.
Y'all were amazing.
Thank you for those that tunedin.
Thank you for tuning in.
Y'all shout out to your yourTikToks and Instagrams on where
people can follow you again.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Elena, you can go ahead.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I got brain fall right now On Facebook is.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
Alayna.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
Kelly On IG it is Chef underscore AK1, and then
also have another IG, the ChefAK underscore.
One is the same on TikTok,twitter, all the same name and
on for L Willys 324 on IG, lWillys LLC on Facebook, and the
(28:44):
same as well on TikTok.
You can also go on to thewebsite LWillyscom, that's
E-L-W-I-L-L-I-E-Scom.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
I heard that, Xavier.
How about you?
Speaker 4 (29:02):
I need to step my social media game up.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Let me tell you a secret.
I had somebody help me.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You can go on private .
Get you a social mediaassistant.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
I'm kind of old school when it comes to social
media.
I'm on Facebook and that's it.
I do have a TikTok that Iengage with more than any other
social media outside of Facebook.
It's Kingdom Thoughts.
That's pretty much it.
It's on TikTok and my name isXavier Jones on Facebook.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
I'm sorry the Rainbow , T AK and Kari, you can
subscribe on YouTube as well assame thing on IG as well as
Facebook.
That is the podcast.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
Xavier, I may try to have your soul bowl.
Please do Let me know.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I got your soul bowl you got some national shipping.
I have everything shipped upall the way to the Ukraine.
Really, I had a friend of mine.
Her son was playing ballinternationally.
He needed a meal prep.
(30:32):
I was like, thank you, lord, Iwent across the water.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Global international.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
It's a God all day.
Everybody has a purpose.
Sometimes you go throughcertain things in life.
It seems tragic, but it willhelp you to see some things,
define your purpose.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
I'm thankful and I'm blessed with it.
Now, mama Kelly name is Global,yes, Lord, it is.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
Put a name in life.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
The actual logo is her actual, authentic signature.
Wow, I have taken from apostcard that she sent to my
grandfather.
Speaker 4 (31:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
That's awesome.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
It is.
I love you all it was great tosee you all.
Great to see you.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Definitely.
I look forward to it.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Cool, I love you guys .
I will see you all.
You guys will hear this onWednesday.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ulated.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
What's up everybody.
It's your boy, anthony.
Welcome to another edition ofSpade, the podcast.
Happy New Year, merry Christmas, happy Thanksgiving, all of
that.
Sorry, it's been a while sinceI posted an episode.
First, I've been sick.
(01:06):
I got sick like several times,so I'm just trying to recoup
from the latest time since I'vebeen sick.
It's almost going on a month.
So, yeah, trying to get overthis cough and, yeah, been crazy
(01:31):
.
Anyway, I'm going to releasethis finale of this episode of
Beyond the Pain, part two, andI'll have some new episodes
coming soon, so y'all stay tunedfor that.
Again, thanks for rocking withme.
(01:53):
Again, happy New Year.
We made it to 2024.
Alright, I can't talk anymore,so I'm going to go into a cough
and frenzy.
So I hope y'all liked theepisode.
Yeah, stay tuned.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
And just to piggyback off of what you said, I
remember when I lost my greatgrandmother, and during that
time we knew that it was goingto end because she was, her
health was starting to declineand she was suffering from sun
(02:49):
downers.
Sun downers yeah, that's likethe I think it's another stage
of dementia and Alzheimer's typething.
So she was suffering from thatand health was on down.
So we knew that was coming.
The funeral was very difficultbecause, even though we knew
(03:14):
it's just, it's a difficultthing, after the whole process
and everything, I had a dreamabout her and this is like a
couple, I want to say a couplemonths later, or either a week
later or a couple nights later Ithink it was after I left South
(03:38):
Carolina, after everything over, and we all went back home and
I had a dream.
And I had a dream and I wastalking with her.
It was like a white room and inthis dream the emotion was just
so, it was so great and I heardher voice and I heard her say
(04:06):
it's okay, it's okay, you can,it's okay and you can, let me go
.
And I heard her say that to mebecause we were just talking in
my dream and everything.
And then I said that and assoon as she said that to me, it
just broke me in that dream andit's like I wanted to cry but I
(04:32):
couldn't cry, you know, and Icouldn't.
I don't I'm trying to say Idon't think I could see her, but
I heard her voice and it wasjust white.
And then she said that a coupleof times and after that I woke
(04:52):
up and I was heartbroken.
But then I knew that, I knewthat hearing that, I was like
okay, I understand, but it'sjust very it's a difficult thing
, you know, especially hearingthat, like you said, grief,
(05:16):
dealing with loss, it's a thingof where you know it's a process
where it's time to get overthat and people, people can deal
with it in various ways andsometimes dealing with grief can
(05:43):
cause anger, feelings of anger,when they lose their loved ones
, because I've had you know.
Different friends have said thatyou know they felt angry that
their loved ones are gone.
(06:04):
Have you, were you guys?
Did you guys feel that, I guess, anger that your loved ones
were gone, that you just feltlife?
Why are you gone?
Why did you leave me?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
That's not for me.
I felt anger after a series ofdeaths, Really in like a two
year span.
It was several people thatpassed that were loved ones.
(06:40):
Like, really like 2016,.
First my sister the baby passed.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
My baby, my sister her baby passed.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Six weeks old.
She passed.
Then it was few months afterthat.
Then my cousin passed and shewas only, she was only 30, like
32 years old.
She passed and then it was aperson I grew up with calling
him Uncle.
(07:11):
He passed.
Then there was it was a lotThen my grandmother, then my
grandfather, then my aunt, then,when Felicia passed, and then
with Kevin, my cousin, kevinpassed.
It was a lot.
I experienced anger then, causeit was like all these people
(07:32):
that I felt a connection to,like all my outlets, all my
telechores were taking from me.
Like I felt naked, like youstripped them from all your and
it's like what do you?
Like I'm like I got a problem.
I got a problem and it was amoment to where I went on.
(07:53):
I went on pause for a minuteCause I felt like doing all this
transition, career change, jobchange, relationship change I
was like it was so many things Iwas experiencing.
That was a death.
That was just.
That was just leaving me and Idid get angry.
(08:15):
I did experience anger and Iwas.
I had an attitude, I had myoutlet with that anger.
I'm not gonna say was likephysically destructive, but it
was destructive mentally, mostlyinwardly, cause I felt that I
(08:39):
was.
You get to a place of beingknown.
You don't want to feel.
You don't want to feel anything, Cause all I feel right now is
just a low place and hurt, andit's sitting real heavy.
It's sitting real heavy Like Idon't even, I don't even care,
(09:02):
no more.
That's the kind of attitudethat you have Like I don't even
care, no more.
What's the purpose?
What's the purpose?
And as close as a close inrelationship or your background
are growing up with your faith,your resistance.
All that you know, I don't wantto hear, I don't want to hear
the.
Lord, no business.
I don't want to hear that, Idon't want to hear it.
(09:23):
I don't want to hear.
You know God don't make nomistakes.
I don't want to hear nothing.
That's just being honest andbeing real and not.
You know, we all go up in thechurch and everything we know
scriptures, all don't quotenothing to me, nothing.
I didn't want to hear it and Ithink a lot of times we have a
facade, sometimes that we livebehind, but for me that was my
(09:45):
truth and I remember a ministersaying he's like you know well,
god is doing this.
I was like, well, right now Idon't need to hear it from you,
and you know, I know that theywere offended.
But right now my truth is don't, don't, don't come to me with
no scriptures, don't come to mewith none of it.
I don't want to hear it, Idon't want to hear it.
(10:07):
And that was that was honestuntil God had I mean God had to
work on me.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
He had to work on me he really did.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
And that's and that's , and that's my truth.
So I I think, once you get to aplace to where you realize that
I don't have to be a certainway because you have an idea
like you don't want to, you wantto keep going, but you don't
want to keep going.
You know you want to go behinda wall and just cry or just kick
(10:39):
off from everybody.
You know, but you don't want to.
You know you can.
Oh, it's okay to shed a fewtears, but dry your eyes.
No, friend, you can't tell me todry my eyes.
Yeah, you couldn't tell me that.
And one thing I've I've beenwith others that have lost love
ones and whatnot.
My first thing I'll say is you,you feel how you feel.
(11:02):
You feel how you feel and youcan't let nobody tell you that
you're wrong for how you feel.
You have to process it the waythat you need to process it.
You know, and you'll have a comeas you said earlier, xenia, you
have a come to Jesus moment atsome point.
You know God, god will revealhimself to you and it don't, and
(11:25):
it takes him to do it.
Sometimes it don't, it's notnecessarily a person, and you
have people there that supportyou, you know, that want to be
encouraging.
I don't, I don't discreditanybody because they're trying
to.
They're trying to be there andbe supported.
You know what I'm saying.
But in those moments sometimesyou don't need anybody to say
anything.
Sometimes you might just needsomebody to sit there.
(11:47):
Yeah, you know, you just needsomebody, you don't.
You don't need them to saynothing.
You don't need because theycan't fix it.
Yeah, you can't fix it.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Exactly so.
Did you have that type of angle?
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (12:08):
I'm kind of in the same boat, you know, with Laina.
I think there was a series.
I think mine kind of worked theopposite.
My mother passed again in, youknow, 2011.
Then, as late as the completioncousin, who was like a sister,
who was my aunt, who took me inafter my mother passed.
It was her daughter and youknow she checked up on me
(12:31):
constantly and so she passedaway like two and a half years
later.
Then my aunt passed away Right,as a matter of fact, in the
heart of COVID.
It was 2020.
Then my uncle passed away in2021.
My grandmother, my father'sgrandmother, passed away in 2022
(12:51):
.
So I always say and I think youknow, even kind of listening to
Laina's story and yours, youknow there's a scripture that
says that we don't mourn.
You know, like others who don'thave any hope and like I think
a common thing that I've, thatI've heard so far, is like the
hope part.
So but you know, when my motherpassed, I didn't have any
(13:14):
because you know, I was kind ofpeople look at me crazy when I
tell them this but like I'venever doubted God, but I was
like angry with him, you know,because my mother Jesus first
cousin, like you know she was inchurch, mount Sinai, every time
.
Every time the door was openand it wasn't just that church
thing, it was, you know, shetaught us in the home she would
(13:34):
always say why she was battlingcancer, that that two and a half
years that she did that I'm not, I'm not going to die.
You know she had extreme faithand so when that time came, I'm
like wait a minute.
This is a woman who was asingle mother.
She worked two jobs.
She went to school to get amaster's degree to take care of
her children.
She gave her money faithfully,like people who did her wrong.
(13:59):
She smiled in their face, sheloved them, like just a genuine
good person, love God.
And so you talking about angry,like I was angry with him and I
think that kind of manifesteditself physically.
Like you know, I was duringthat time.
I can laugh about it now eventhough it wasn't funny then.
But you know my wife, I would,you know, get angry and I would
(14:22):
hit stuff.
Like as a time I remember I wasso angry I hit the side of my
door in the car and like brokethe part where you let the
window up, like the automaticwindow.
Like it broke like because andthat that was just a patient of
how angry that I was, but youknow as losing more people and,
like later, said that come toJesus, meaning, after that, and
(14:43):
I started losing people, Istarted to realize that you know
, things that my mother told mewas coming to fruition, so that
kind of turned.
Okay, god, I see you moving,because my mother will always
tell me that I was set apart,that I was chosen.
I'm like my mama all mama saythat about all the children.
But, like I said, I never forget, during the, the, the planning
(15:07):
process, I was in the room withmy aunt, my sister, coco, and my
like like my cousins who wereplanning and I said I want to
say something and they thought Iwas talking about you know,
right there it's like, yeah, yousay what you want to say.
I said no at the funeral and Ihad no idea what I was going to
say, literally to like themorning of, and I got up there
and I realized that this is whatmy mama was talking about, like
(15:30):
the calling that I have on mylife was literally coming into
fruition in her death as thingsstarted to move and I started to
lose more people and God kindof started to use me, based on
the experience that I had withmy mother, it that anger went
from okay I'm angry, now I'm sad, now I'm gaining some hope, and
(15:51):
that turned into a foundationand that foundation turned into,
okay, I get it.
This is what she was talkingabout.
So I think I think people whodeal with these feelings, like
Lanna said, you just got to letit play itself out.
And I think the important point, you know, playing itself out
is you know, you know me, yougot you always my.
(16:13):
I always go back to God.
That relationship you got tohave to relate to because, if
not everything else in thisworld, people, whatever it is
that you're trying to draw totheir temporary and at the same
time, they're human, just likeyou are, but they may need a day
where they're dealing withsomething in their life and you
have to know that source.
(16:35):
The Bible tells us that we canlay out burdens down.
Ask our cares upon him.
So the happiness that we feel,man, we are a source to lay that
, to lay that stuff down, andI'm a living witness, I think
Lanna's a living witness andyou're a living witness of
sometimes.
We just got to go through thatprocess and lay that stuff down,
because I think the biggestthing that a lot of people do is
(16:58):
carry that weight.
One because they don't know howto communicate.
Or two, they feel like nobodycares.
They feel on.
That was my problem.
I felt like I was alone with somany people surrounding me.
But I think you have to find agood support system.
Like Lanna said, sometimes justlet them know.
I just need you just to be here, not to say nothing.
I just need you, but alsopeople who know who you are and
(17:21):
kind of know your ebbs and flowsof what you're going for.
More importantly, just havingthat relationship with God.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Right.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
And channeling, channeling that to him into and
into something else.
Where it does start to, itdoesn't hardly a heart, it
starts to change Absolutely.
And I, one thing I would saywhen you experience and death,
sometimes individuals, you don't, I don't have any, I don't have
any regrets.
I don't have any regrets, Ithink sometimes.
(17:52):
I think it's a hard piecesometimes for people when they
have regret Absolutely.
I wish I should have or thisthing or the other, but I don't
have any regrets and I feel asthough even experiencing
physical loss with individuals Iknow without a shadow about
each person, knew how I feltabout them and how they felt
(18:12):
about me, and that makes adifference as well.
Sometimes we've given death toomuch glory.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
Right.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yeah, we've given it too much glory and it's all it
is.
It's literally that.
It's a transition.
It's just another phase that weall experience and, whether it
be there's physical, there'smental, emotional, there's you
go through things, even in everyday.
You may be physically stillhere, but you experience a death
(18:48):
, whether it be relationship,whether it be job or whatever it
looks like.
But you have to.
You can't have any regrets andyou, literally, as you grow, you
learn to cherish every moment,because life is just that.
It is just a vapor.
Yeah, absolutely, it is just avapor.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
I was going to ask what do you tell people that
have regrets and say I wish Iwould have done X, y and Z, and
especially for the people thatare feuding with somebody?
You know what I'm saying,because there's a lot of people
that issues with family members,whatever, and then of course
(19:33):
you obviously, and you have thatunexpected death, or then
they're just like, oh my god, Ididn't say what I want to say.
And again, what do you tellthat person?
Speaker 3 (19:47):
It's a hard pill to swallow, but I mean it's really
a hard pill to swallow, but it'sa lesson.
Even in that and at a point,just in life in general, you
have to learn how to forgiveyourself, even though that
person may not be there for youto say I'm sorry or whatever.
(20:10):
Or if you feel regret or feelthat guilt, you have to release
yourself from that and you haveto release it to God, and he's
the only one that can give youpeace.
Yeah, he's the only one who cangive you peace and sometimes I
know that it is a struggle forsome people sometimes because
(20:31):
you have those moments, but youhave to forgive yourself Because
the enemy can use that regretas a noose around your neck,
mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
That's true.
Final thoughts what would youtell somebody as far as it's
going through dealing with lossand grief and they just need a
roadmap or something just tohelp them to get started,
(21:08):
whether it be the loss of aparent, loss of a grandparent, a
child, either unexpectedly ordue to any type of outside
circumstances, what would youtell them?
And, like you said, they don'twant to hear the church quote,
(21:33):
unquote, it's going to be OK,god, it's in God's plan, et
cetera.
What would you tell?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
them.
I say to honor.
You honor them and you honorthem in a way of living your
best life.
That's the best thing you cando, even with us sharing the
heart loss that we all haveexperienced.
We're here now and we haven'tshared a tear and we're able to
(22:01):
talk about it.
There's, sometimes, there'sliberty in that.
That's free within itself andit's evident that God has played
a major part.
It's just like you have a womb.
You see that womb, but it don'thurt no more.
It don't hurt like it used to.
It might still be tender.
(22:22):
It might still be tender, butthe best thing I would suggest
is the love that you have forthose individuals.
Take that love and be the bestthat you can be and be the best
person that you can be and toshow take that love that you
(22:42):
have for them and give it awayto other people and other things
in life.
You know, that's how I feel.
I think you should do.
You honor them in the best way,because the love that they have
for you, they would want thebest for you and you take that
(23:02):
and just honor them.
Walk in the space that you knowthat they're smiling, they're
at peace with you, just withthat alone.
That's the proof.
That's how I would.
My advice is always just to beyour best person.
That love, take that love thatyou have and that they have,
(23:24):
that you have for one another,and use it to the best to be
that light.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Exactly.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
I would say God, community and lay in a touch on
it briefly.
But therapy I know if you'dasked me a couple of years ago
like views on therapy hasdrastically changed, especially
now since I'm going to schoolfor psychology.
But even before then I startedto see that the things that a
(24:00):
lot of church people or peoplewho are kind of thinking one way
kind of tainted, but God hasliterally gave us gifts in the
earth to be able to use to helpheal these people.
Even the Bible said it's wisecounsel.
So I say God, community andtherapy, god of course being the
(24:23):
first and foremost.
You know that's my go to life.
I remember just this year Godhad released something off of me
dealing with my own motherYou're talking about.
This is 11 years ago.
It just goes back to that wholetime of grief thing.
While I'm grieving, necessarilyhard, but certain times you
(24:45):
know it would get rough on meJust wondering, you know I would
feel the sun now at nine yearsold.
Why lost at 17.
But God spoke to me.
He said time doesn't heal allwounds, but I do so.
While time and I heal allwounds, god definitely does, and
he doesn't operate in our time.
So it could be six months forone person, it could be six
(25:07):
years for the next person.
But my father told me when Iwas going through the whole
grieving process is that there'sno work without progress and
there's no progress without work.
So you got to work in whileyou're looking to progress, and
that includes definingcommunities, a community of
people, or it could be oneperson that you know you can
(25:28):
turn to in those moments.
That way you can have somebodyright there that's offering a
support system for you, but alsotherapy.
You know, don't be afraid to go, sit down and talk with someone
who is licensed and educated inthis manner, who can point you
in the right direction and getyou on a path to healing.
(25:48):
I just say, like Lana said,find something that works for
you.
But it's not at first because,again, if you draw night to him,
he'll draw night to you.
If you keep him first and youdraw to him, I promise you there
is no limits to the healing andno limits to the blessings that
he has, even in the face ofdeath, that he could use to
(26:11):
start your testimony for otherpeople who's going through as
well.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Absolutely, absolutely, and you literally,
just you took my points that Iwas going to say we had that
psychology, the same thing thatI was going to say you know, but
the mental health side, youknow a lot of people.
(26:38):
They don't take advantage oftherapy and they don't take
advantage of counseling.
So definitely, what I was goingto recommend, especially in
this day and age, is to go seekhelp, because you always it's
good to have just that third,unbiased party, your emotions to
(27:02):
that person, without worry ofjudgment, without worry of you
know anything.
So it's always just good tojust to have that safe space.
You know, and it's so manyresources out there as far as
work with them and counseling,and even if you don't want to do
(27:23):
it in person, they have onlinetherapy on one account.
So it's so many good resources.
This was a very insightful livepodcast, so thank you guys for
(27:44):
being on.
Y'all were amazing.
Thank you for those that tunedin.
Thank you for tuning in.
Y'all shout out to your yourTikToks and Instagrams on where
people can follow you again.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Elena, you can go ahead.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I got brain fall right now On Facebook is.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
Alayna.
Speaker 3 (28:20):
Kelly On IG it is Chef underscore AK1, and then
also have another IG, the ChefAK underscore.
One is the same on TikTok,twitter, all the same name and
on for L Willys 324 on IG, lWillys LLC on Facebook, and the
(28:44):
same as well on TikTok.
You can also go on to thewebsite LWillyscom, that's
E-L-W-I-L-L-I-E-Scom.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
I heard that, Xavier.
How about you?
Speaker 4 (29:02):
I need to step my social media game up.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Let me tell you a secret.
I had somebody help me.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You can go on private .
Get you a social mediaassistant.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
I'm kind of old school when it comes to social
media.
I'm on Facebook and that's it.
I do have a TikTok that Iengage with more than any other
social media outside of Facebook.
It's Kingdom Thoughts.
That's pretty much it.
It's on TikTok and my name isXavier Jones on Facebook.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
I'm sorry the Rainbow , T AK and Kari, you can
subscribe on YouTube as well assame thing on IG as well as
Facebook.
That is the podcast.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
Xavier, I may try to have your soul bowl.
Please do Let me know.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I got your soul bowl you got some national shipping.
I have everything shipped upall the way to the Ukraine.
Really, I had a friend of mine.
Her son was playing ballinternationally.
He needed a meal prep.
(30:32):
I was like, thank you, lord, Iwent across the water.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Global international.
Speaker 3 (30:50):
It's a God all day.
Everybody has a purpose.
Sometimes you go throughcertain things in life.
It seems tragic, but it willhelp you to see some things,
define your purpose.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
I'm thankful and I'm blessed with it.
Now, mama Kelly name is Global,yes, Lord, it is.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
Put a name in life.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
Yes, Lord.
Speaker 3 (31:17):
The actual logo is her actual, authentic signature.
Wow, I have taken from apostcard that she sent to my
grandfather.
Speaker 4 (31:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
That's awesome.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
It is.
I love you all it was great tosee you all.
Great to see you.
Speaker 3 (31:42):
Definitely.
I look forward to it.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Cool, I love you guys .
I will see you all.
You guys will hear this onWednesday.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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