November 22, 2023 • 45 mins
Join us on an emotional journey as we traverse through cherished holiday traditions, unmasking the profound impact of grief and loss. This episode is a heart-to-heart about our personal experiences with loss, coping mechanisms, and the ways grief manifests in our lives. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and enjoy part one of this series.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
guys, guys, what's up , guys?
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
My name is Anthony.
(00:47):
Welcome to Spade.
The Podcast Live.
What's going on, y'all?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
What's up, what's up, what's up.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
So I've got a returning guest that you guys
already know, xavier fromKingdom Thoughts Podcast.
What's going on, xavier?
What's up bro?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
What's going on?
Man, you doing all right.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm good man.
And then I've got a new memberto my podcast and a good friend
of mine that I have not seen inyears grew up and merged
together.
Laina, what is going on withyou?
(01:32):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I am good, what is going on, xavier?
And it's been a while.
It's been a while.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Wow, this is like a mouth-bunner reunion, is it not
when it all began?
Where it all began, good times,great, great times, great times
, great times Great times, greattimes, great times.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
It's a good foundation.
What it was?
A good foundation, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Remember we were in a Spartan Burger location and you
were the step team leader andeverything.
Yes, Lord, I think I was likenine years old, nine or ten.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Lord of man, make me feel a little bit older.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Tell everybody who you are and what you're doing
now.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
I am Laina, mostly now known as Chef AK.
I have started cateringbusiness about like 2019.
Named the catering business andhonor of my grandmother is
called Elle Willis.
It's been going pretty well.
I started right before COVIDand relocating back to Atlanta,
(03:10):
but everything is going well nowActually had a feature article
just drop on, I believe it wasTuesday and Voyage ATL.
They do feature stories onlocal entrepreneurs, small
business, things like that.
So if you guys get a chance,check that out.
(03:30):
It is going to go on thewebsite Voyage Magazine as well
as go on Facebook.
So I have my own cateringbusiness Building a brand can
follow me on social media underChef AK, underscore AK 1 on IG.
Or you can go on to Elle Willisat 324 on IG.
See some of my featured food.
(03:51):
You know things like that.
Had opportunity to be on areality show called Women in the
Life Atlanta Done a few things.
Currently have a podcast with aco-host of podcast called
Rainbow Tea with AK and Kairi.
(04:12):
So, god's blessing, god'sblessing.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, congratulations for everything.
Thank you so much.
What's up?
Yeah, slow motion.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Just partnered with a couple of people.
We're in the beginning stages,build out stages to open an
actual brick and mortarrestaurant.
So it'll be a lunch brunchlocation.
So make sure you follow onsocial media, see the platform
for that.
When we open, do a grandopening, definitely send you
guys an invite.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
You're not going to learn it too quick because of
the traffic.
But just everything is life, islife thing, but God is still
blessing Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
God is still good.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
You are busy, I try to be.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I try to be Absolutely.
One thing I always knew mygrandmother always say she
always used Philippians 4 and 13.
You can do all things and makesure you do what you want to do.
God equips you with everythingyou need inside to be able to
accomplish anything you want todo.
Everything you need is insideof you, but if you can help
(05:29):
someone along the way, then yourliving is not in vain.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Absolutely so little by little, xavier.
So what is going on with you?
What is the word?
What's new with you?
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Hey man, you know it's the same old husband life,
dad life, student life.
That's me.
Yes, sir, that keeps you busy.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Absolutely, absolutely, yeah, you know how
to?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I love it Absolutely.
That's one.
That's one that's one.
That's one, that's one.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
So we're going to go ahead and get started.
Before we go in and talk aboutthe topic that we're going to
discuss today, I want to do alittle icebreaker, because you
know Thanksgiving is around thecorner and what is your favorite
(06:37):
Thanksgiving dish that y'allcan't like?
That's got to be done for.
So what is got to be?
What is it?
Speaker 3 (06:51):
That's a good one.
Yes, seems like everything,because I was in a map to cook
something.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I know they have you in the kitchen.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
And I can work and friend.
I try not to be, I try not tobe.
I was like I will host, I willhold you, I will come over, just
bring a dish, just bring a dish.
There sure was a place and someto go.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Heavy on the foil Right.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
You check it.
That's what they feel like it'sautomatic.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
I thought you going to cook everything.
I was like now and what yousigned up for, I had my mom, I
had my mom, I had my mom, I hadmy mom, I had my mom, I had my
mom, I had my mom, I had my mom,I had my mom, I had my mom, I
had my mom.
My mom told me, I told them,you were doing grays.
I was like well, mommy, you lie.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
We didn't talk about that.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Let's talk about who made the potato salad.
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
All I know is for my potato salad.
I do not want any raisins in mypotato salad no.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're going to leave thosealone.
Leave that alone.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Leave that alone, and you know I don't want anybody
experimenting with dishes duringThanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
No, no, it's not a beginner cook or holiday.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
No no.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
No, I don't want anybody to fail.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We need you to sign up to bring the plates to cooks
and stuff like that.
See, that's me, that's me.
I bring the cups and the platesand all that I'm sure we
stopped on the trip.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Also you know, cook.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Not a good, not enough for Thanksgiving.
Now Give him a knife.
Gotta mess up.
Nobody how to say it.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
I saw on this.
It was this face, this Tik Tokor face proposal.
They were doing this macaroniand cheese, sweet potato pie and
I want to try it.
You want to try it?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Dude, because you ain't never had that sweet
potato pie in the corner, thatmacaroni accidentally put it
together.
Get it together yeah, see.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I mean, it just didn't work.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
It got that savory, that sweet savory taste to it,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't know, because I just they could be on the
plate together, but I don't knowabout incorporating it.
Yeah, but I mean just themacaroni on top of the on the
sweet potato pie, that's just,that's a little much.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Like it.
Hit you, dude.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
That's a really big, absolutely, that's a really big.
I do do this, what I call asoul bowl, which actually the
base of it is is to like thecornbread.
Then I have, like the greens,little sweet potato, then like
whatever meat is on top of this,called a soul bowl.
If you like to eat together,that is, it's good.
(10:42):
But I don't know about cookingsweet potatoes in the macaroni.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
But you should bring a little bit of that soul bowl
and I'll make a trip.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
I will not.
I will not make it back to theCarolinas.
I'm a.
I'm a high.
I got a soul bowl for you.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Please do, I got one for you.
Oh God, all right, lastquestion Okay, so who likes
Chitlins, do y'all like ChitlinsI don't, I don't do them.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You don't do them.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
No, I don't do them.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Why I don't do the Chitlins.
I don't, I don't really eatthem.
I don't do them, I don't mind.
They got you know they, theyhave their place, it's just not
on my plate.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
They have their place .
Yeah, Just not on my plate,that's all.
But I see them people, they,they.
They had them Chitlins withtheir little rice and all that.
They, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So do you, so you don't cook, I prefer not to.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I just prefer not to.
Yeah, it's not, it's not mything we haven't you know, we
haven't joined together, wehaven't built a relationship yet
.
I really want them.
You know, I really want them.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
See, I love people like Lanna, because she made
this mold for me.
There it is, you can, you can.
You can have my food.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
You can have my food.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You can have my portion.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Oh, I will share my portion.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Let's see, all right, we're going to go ahead and get
started.
We're going to go along.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
All right, all right, they said they said, they said,
they said they said, they said,they said you know they said
they want me to skip the show.
Basically, with this podcastepisode pretty much, I've been
seeing a lot of people beingdealing with grief.
(13:03):
Grief is such a heavy topic,especially during the holidays,
people don't know how to be ableto handle you know the holidays
, you know dealing with griefand dealing with the loss of
loved ones.
And so this, this podcast live,was I want to discuss, like how
(13:27):
can we come up with a I guessyou can say a roadmap to help
process grief and how to helpsomebody through that process?
And my very first question thatI want to start off is what was
(13:50):
life like during the holidaysbefore the loss of your loved
ones?
You go ahead.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I think for me, thanksgiving, you know, was the,
the time we all came together.
So, you know, even was great.
I think Christmas was morepersonal time.
You know, it was just me, mymother and you know, my sister
around Christmas time.
(14:24):
I remember my mother.
She always wake us up everyyear like we didn't know the
story, but she said us down,told us the story of Jesus being
born.
You know what the realChristmas was.
So, I mean, holidays was great,you know.
Growing up, I can honestly say,you know, around Christmas time
, most kids looked for towardthe gifts in which, of course, I
(14:45):
did, but I'm more of a more ofa relationship type guy.
I was a child.
I just love that time, you know, spending together.
So I mean holidays for me.
Growing up, and you know,before my mother passed away in
2011 was, you know, but smileand good memories, man, yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I think holidays were , as you say, yours, as when
you're younger you have fun, funmemories.
You just remember everybodybeing together, just the food,
the laughter, the cutting up orwhatever you know.
And it was Thanksgiving wasmore of a time where you had
(15:32):
pretty much everybody cometogether.
You know it's always one thatone relative that will host and
everybody come all various as afamily.
You know siblings and thingslike aunts and uncles, everybody
you know.
Christmas, at the same time,was more of an intimate thing
with your immediate family.
So it makes a difference.
(15:53):
When those individuals werethere.
You just you have thosememories sometimes.
I think that when you get to aspace where they're like now,
currently, and they're no longerthere, you're like man, you
know.
You have those moments.
You're like man, you know, andthose memories just kind of
flood.
They just kind of flood whereyou remember certain things,
(16:17):
certain things you were doing,certain things people said with
your loved ones.
You know you can remembercertain things.
They wore, you know.
And it's interesting how thathappens a lot of times, because
you have how those memoriesbecome so vivid, they become so
clear.
It's like HDTV just playingyour mind, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Yeah, I can remember during Christmas well, even
between Christmas andThanksgiving we would play car
games with her because she lovedPity Pat, pity Pat.
She would love that.
(17:01):
So we would play those gamesand every time she'll have a
mate made a cards winner, she'dlike hold it, hold it.
She'll give the cards.
It'll be hilarious the wayshe'll say that.
I'm trying to see if we did.
(17:23):
I think we did bingo too, thatshe liked bingo, but definitely
Pity Pat, pity Pat was herfavorite, favorite game.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I'm not mad at her.
That was actually my first cardgame I ever learned, and my
grandmother taught it to me.
That's the first game I everlearned.
Then I learned some other stuffthat I probably wasn't supposed
to, but that was one of thefirst games I learned, so I'm
(17:53):
not mad at great-grandma, yeahyeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, mother she, she , she, she made sure we played
that game.
And then you know, after that,then we'll break off, you know
we'll play our spades and tonk,et cetera.
Yeah, but yeah, it's good times.
And then I can remember where,when she would cook her that
(18:18):
cornbread in in the cast ironskillet, Absolutely oh.
Oh, good oh good so, good so,good so, good so good.
So, um, so take me through theprocess.
(18:41):
Uh, and I know this will, Iknow this may be a little
difficult for you guys, but um,just take me through the process
of when you lost, um your loveone, from handling the whole
grieving process, like your fromyour daily activities to
explaining, um you know, likeyour children, um, what happened
(19:05):
to the business side of it asfar as, like, handling funeral
arrangements.
How did you process in, copewith the whole experience Like,
um, how was that wholeexperience with that?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You want to.
Um, mine was a little differentbecause I was in high school
with with my first major losswith um, you know, my was my
mother, of course, um, I was asenior in Month into my senior
year and she passed away on the17th of September Uh, but, um,
(19:47):
when that day came I was kind ofum I want to say ready, because
you know you, never ready I was, but I was kind of here because
six days before that 10th, 11thI never forget it I was uh in
Greenwood at my father's houseand he was actually up uh in the
middle of his sermon preaching,and I remember the phone
(20:12):
ringing.
At that time he was a pastor ofa small Baptist church.
You know, in the small Baptistchurch you hear everything.
Yeah, I never the um the phoneringing like it, just the church
phone kept ringing.
And I knew something was wrongthen because at the time my
mother was in Atlanta, um, kindof like a last resort type of
thing.
No, family was desperate, justtrying to save her life.
(20:33):
She was um at a naturalholistic doctor and already by
this time she had that suffereda seizure which kind of left her
in a vegetative state.
So of course I'm worried theentire time trying to figure out
.
You know, keep school up tryingto keep a smile on my face, but
you know, inside I'm just allover the place and I never
(20:53):
forget the phone kept dosomething was wrong and, um, my
father had to actually literallyleave the pulpit because one of
the deacons told him that thephone call with him and I knew
then that the firm, you know,kind of my suspicion and he
didn't tell me, of course, untilafter that we had to rush to
Atlanta where my mother wasbecause she had suffered a
(21:14):
stroke, uh, another, and so youknow I'm seeing her, and then my
aunt and um, telling us to she,I never forget, she told me and
my sister that can we just comein and tell my mother that it
was okay for her to transitionbecause she had fought for so
long?
Um, she always said she, youknow her children just making it
(21:36):
, you know, into the real world.
That's all she wanted to see.
And having to look at her, youknow so many tools and stuff
connected to her.
So I kind of knew, you know,that's the day that I kind of
processed the fact that you know, any day now my mother would
you know, transition in.
Six days later, on the 17th, wegot the call um that she had
(21:59):
passed away.
And so this for me, um,unfortunately, um was kind of
like disassociating myself fromeverything and everyone.
Uh, because my sister's fiveyears older than me, so I'm 17.
My sister had already been outof the house for like four years
with college and, you know,doing the whole adult life.
(22:20):
She was married, um had herfirst child, my niece, so it was
just me and my mother.
So that was kind of I went fromher being my everything to now
having, you know in my mind,just disassociating myself from
everything.
Um, my grades and schoolstarted to slip Like I would go
(22:40):
home and I would just literallycut off the lights and just stay
in the dark, you know, until itwas time for me to do it again.
Um, and you know that was kindof my life Um, for the next two
and a half three years.
My wife she wasn't my wife atthe time but, uh, you know she
was there, my aunt was there.
You know people were just tryingto, um, you know, see the old
(23:04):
me, but I really didn't know howto be the old me because that
was wrapped up in the personthat I just lost.
So I mean, it was, it was a veryrough go.
Um, I would say the first threeand a half years, um, you know,
dealing with anxiety, uh, angerissues, I mean lightest thing
could set me off.
So, especially around you know,these times, holidays, um, it
(23:28):
really wasn't until I had a cometo Jesus moment.
I was in the room literallyjust me, my wife, um, and you
know God kind of had to tug onmy heart to uh draw me into him,
draw me back to what I knew.
Um, that was like four, threeor four years later.
So the grief process, uh,really doesn't have a timetable.
(23:48):
You know, uh, talking aboutthree and a half years, that I
just was back and forth, backand forth, and even after that,
you know, even that realizationwith God, you know it was still
sometimes a struggle Uh, so youknow that whole grieving process
is, is is very unpredictable,uh, to say the least.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I agree with that, so there's no time frame.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Not at all, there's no time frame at all.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
When you're um, one thing that I struggled with for
me was for a moment to whenyou're everything that you know,
you're every you know what youknow to be your everyday.
That constant that's been inyour life is no longer there
(24:40):
Absolutely, and that that waswhat.
What do I do?
You have like what?
What do I do?
Um, yeah, experiencing with,like I was very close with my
grandmother.
Most people thought, even atchurch.
Most people thought that youknow, mama Kelly was actually my
mother, but she's mygrandmother, you know that's.
(25:01):
That's, that's all I know,that's where I you know where I
grew up.
And her my yeah, her, mygrandfather, that's.
That's it was.
It was hard, one thing I usedto always say, and even living
here, living here, living herein Atlanta previously, before um
coming back to South Carolina.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Cause.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
I I would always say I'm not moving back to South
Carolina.
Why would I do that?
Why would I do that?
But uh, it didn't hit me toafter, but got orchestrated for
me to be there, um, jobtransition, uh, went to
Charlotte, then back inGreenville and then back in
Greenville, kind of set up state, you know, built home
(25:44):
everything.
And when all this was happeningwas when, kind of like, things
turned health wise for mygrandmother she was in renal
failure and um, things of thatnature.
She would always, you know, sayshe wasn't going to go, um, you
know, do certain things orwhatever.
She kept pushing Um, and whatwas interesting was, um, when I
(26:05):
got started failing, um, mygrandfather was always that
person.
Also to he was like I'm notgoing on, doctor, they just want
to co-pay, they just want toco-pay.
So, you know, but his healthhas started transitioning as
well.
And he ended up on that Alice'sactually before my grandmother
and to see them start to gothrough what they were going
(26:25):
through.
I used to always say what wouldI do without my grandparents?
What would I do without mygrandmother?
My grandmother's, my, my,everything, my was my best
friend.
You know, I talked to mygrandmother about any and
everything, you know, and shewas always that person, um, that
was there, um, for me in, inwhatever state.
You know, whatever state I wasin, whatever I was going through
(26:50):
it could be early morning, alate night, whatever we have
conversations and I always feltas though like what would I do?
But I felt it.
The things I'm saying now.
It was not a realization then,but I understood it later.
But I feel as though that I wasbeing prepared, and my
(27:10):
grandmother was preparing me, tobe there with them to go
through what they went through,health-wise, and to be of
assistance in whatever capacitythat looked like financial,
whatever they needed.
I wanted to make sure they hadit.
I busted my tail to do whateverit was that I needed to do, and
(27:32):
even prior to transition, Iremember when we were sitting on
the porch, it was Mother's Dayand I was talking to her and
told her that I wanted to open arestaurant one day and want to
do some things, and she was likeyou can do it, god, god.
And she, her favorite word washallelujah, and so.
I said Grandma.
(27:52):
I said what if I name it afteryou?
What if I name it after you she?
Speaker 2 (27:56):
was like you don't name something.
Hell well, as I said, yeah it'sdifferent.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
It's different, but my grandmother had.
She had failed in going to dielast season.
One morning my brother had gaveup his apartment and he was
residing with them because atthis point they needed
round-the-clock care and myother family members, crystal
and my mom, until everybody waskind of pitching in and she fell
(28:25):
and she went to.
They just figured that she hada little bump.
They took her to the ER and shewent to.
She still ended up doing herdialysis or whatnot.
And so the afternoon I talked toher.
We talked every day and I saidI said Grandma, I said you first
said she was like I think Ibroke my neck.
I was like, grandma, you didn'teven break your neck.
(28:46):
Now, I don't think you brokeyour neck.
They wouldn't let you go homeif you broke your neck and she
was, but she was in pain andabout.
Actually, this was 2017.
Actually, the factors was goingto a soup bowl, and that's my
(29:06):
team.
I know they ain't doing muchnow, but I wanted to make a
plans to go.
I wanted to go and she ended upgoing to the hospital again
because she had been in a lot ofpain and discomfort and my
brother was like he was like Iain't never time I try to lift
her, she's climbing, whatnot.
(29:29):
So she went to the hospital andshe ended up she actually had
broken it.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
The third break was broken.
Speaker 3 (29:39):
So they had her in a few contraption and whatnot.
And she was there.
She was still Mama Kelly, shewas talking and whatnot, and
talked to.
Her Family came to see her andwhatnot.
And I said, well, I'm going togo.
She's like yo Falcons.
(30:00):
I say yes, ma'am.
But what was interesting waswhen I got there I couldn't
enjoy the game.
It was just something thatwouldn't.
I just it didn't feel right.
Something felt different.
And that night my aunt, tina,was there and she called and she
(30:23):
said that grandmother hadbasically suffered a stroke and
things kind of took a turn.
But I knew, before I had left,she was talking and I was like,
well, what happened?
Because she was talking andeverything she had just told me,
because I was in like layingover a bed before I left, and
she was like you need to leaveme a piece of change.
(30:45):
And I said, girl, what you needsomebody for.
We were joking back and forth.
But then I came home early thatmorning and something told me to
go get my grandfather and so Iwent pick my grandfather up and
we went to the hospital and mygrandfather was starting to
experience a little bit ofdementia a little.
(31:07):
But when we got there and wewent in and I still have the
video today and I just kind ofvideoed their interaction.
And he was talking to her butshe wasn't fully conscious.
But she came to and he wastalking to her what night?
And it was just us in the roomand she mumbled, she said where
(31:28):
you been?
And I said I'm here, grandma,I'm here.
And we were there that day.
But that evening family startedcoming.
But that evening my grandfatherdidn't want to leave.
He didn't want to leave and Isaid well, granddad, I got to
take you back Because at thistime he was in a rehab facility.
(31:50):
And I said I got to take youback.
But we called them and theytold us that we could stay or
whatnot.
But that next morning I got up.
We got up that morning and Iwent and when I got there, me
and my brother got there.
They had, they said they weretaking her down to dialysis.
She's going to do dialysis.
(32:11):
And I said well, what time willy'all be back?
And they said they will be back.
She'll be back by 10 o'clock.
So me and my brother went toget something to eat.
We came back and we were in theroom.
She still wasn't back.
Well, the nurse came in.
The hospice nurse came in andshe started talking to me and
(32:31):
she was saying about the carethey were going to do to kind of
help with the fracturedvertebrae in her neck and
whatnot.
And so in the entrance of hertalking they brought my
grandmother in.
But when they brought her inthen she was sitting straight up
.
They had her up in the bed butshe was making this gurgling
noise and I said why is shedoing that?
(32:56):
And so they were having to.
She was like well, she can'tswallow good, and so they got
her in the bed and got her backon her bed and she was laying
there.
My brother and I were standingon either side of her and she
wasn't verbal at all, other thanthe only thing that she said.
She just kept saying huh, likethat.
(33:19):
But she had her eyes fixated,looking straight up.
Her eyes were fixated, lookingstraight up, and my brother, he
was like Land.
You know, grandma always hadbeen afraid of heights.
And the nurse, she rubbed me onmy back and she said,
sweetheart, she said yourgrandmother is transitioning.
(33:40):
And so I called the family andI told I called my mom and I
called me and I said if y'allcoming, y'all need to come on.
And so I had my iPad with meand I started playing music.
And I started playing music andI was singing tour and whatnot,
and the family got there, familycame it was about 6.30 that
(34:01):
evening and everybody had gotthere and when everybody was
around the bed and Monique andCrystal kind of got in the bed
and my grandmother had apacemaker and so they laid on it
and I was rubbing her, I wasrubbing her and I was just
talking to her and I feltsomething came over me and I
(34:24):
said I told her.
I said, grandma, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I said it's okay.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I said we're gonna be all right.
We're gonna be all right.
I said I promise.
I said we're gonna be okay.
I said I promise I'm gonna takecare of granddaddy and I'm
gonna look after granddaddy.
And she looked back like thisand I said it's okay, you've
done a great job, you've done,you've served, you've given your
all.
(34:49):
I said it's okay and she closedher eyes and that was it.
Wow, she closed her eyes andthat was it.
And to be in the space with her, with everybody, when she took
her last breath, was something.
And I was.
I was hurt, but I was strongerthan I thought I would be.
(35:14):
That's love.
I was stronger than I thought Iwould be.
And I was, I was, it was almostkinda I can't really explain it
it was just almost kinda like Ijust it's like I, my mind, I
always thought that I would just, I would just lose it, I would
just break.
But I did, and I know there wasnobody but God, I know there
(35:40):
was nobody but God, and to haveto be part of the planning and
to be part of the planning andyou know, make arrangements and
to you know, do things, doeverything.
That's a space I had never saidin before, I had never said in
before and I, I was like I, I, Ididn't know everything, but the
(36:04):
interesting part was y'all, Iwent, I went to work, I didn't
stop, I went to work, I went towork and I was actually I'll
never forget I was actuallyworking on.
One of the computers was downand I was on the phone with the
tech person.
I was talking to him orwhatever, and in the midst of me
doing that and talking to youstarted roping Wow.
(36:27):
And it didn't, it didn't stop,and so I actually at that point
I had to dismiss myself fromwork and I just drove.
And I was just driving and then,when it got to the point to
where they were, like we needyou to come, the funeral service
, the funeral home, he got youlike we need you to come, so you
(36:49):
know the check off, and I toldmy cousin, I said I said I trust
your judgment, I couldn't makemyself go.
I couldn't make myself go, andit was late that evening before
I did, before I actually went tothe funeral home, and it was
something to see her, you knowher body, just there, and it it
(37:18):
took me.
It took me.
It was like I didn't want toaccept it, I really didn't, but
I found it in a strength to beable to push through and I did
something I thought I wouldnever do and I spoke at my
grandmother's funeral.
I spoke at my grandmother's andthat was something.
But when we got to the grave Icouldn't walk to the grave to
(37:42):
see them put down, and that wasa process, for for me, I
couldn't make myself go to therewhen everybody wanted that.
I stood in the background, Istood in the background, I stood
away.
I couldn't make myself,couldn't make myself go.
And it was a few days later, afew days later, that I, um, I
(38:06):
was sitting at home and I wasjust sitting there at my bar,
the kitchen, and that's wheneverything hit me, when
everything was for the emotionand hurt and anger and
frustration I mean everythingjust just flooded.
But it was, it was, it was aprocess, it was a process.
(38:28):
For me, it was a prize, it wasa process.
And then not even it was.
I had her birthday was coming upand I had asked her prior to
what she wanted to do and shetold me she wanted to fish fry.
But I still did it.
I still did it.
So that morning of her birthdayI invited everybody over.
(38:49):
We had made plans to, you know,have a dinner and everything.
I still did it.
Everybody came, had a wholefish fry, the whole seafood,
everything, and that on herbirthday.
That day.
That, I'm sorry, guys, I lostmy, lost my lights.
I got back there.
(39:13):
We go.
That evening Everybody wasleaving and I got a calm and get
to the hospital.
My grandfather's the house andmy grandfather passed on her
birthday and it was only sixweeks later Wow.
(39:36):
But, I got in the car to leaveand I was getting ready to drive
and guys, before I even got tothe hospital, I broke and I like
to do a screen, I like to do ascreen.
And when we got to, my stepsister ended up driving me and
(39:59):
we got to the hospital.
My grandfather had hadtransition and it was.
But the interesting part, y'all, the what was, what was amazing
, what was really amazing thatmorning.
That morning I was in my closetand.
I don't know what it is.
Every time something's gettingready to happen or changes
(40:20):
happening in my life orsomething big, I end up in my
closet, literally in the closet,and I was in the closet and I
was sitting on the floor and Iyou guys know my grandmother
always song and I could hear but, I, would hear this song.
And the song kept, was the songthat was that was playing that
came on, was I'm going to take atrip.
(40:41):
And I said and I said mymassage.
And I was talking to her and Iwas like I miss, I miss you,
saying and I miss us and wedon't honor you today.
Still, I'm going to keep mypromise and everything.
And I said and granddaddy, gotake a gun.
And on everything I heard mygrandmother say I'm coming to
get it.
(41:01):
Oh, I did, I did.
And that my stepsons had givenme a shirt and I would have you
know, I'll know if y'all knew onFacebook I would have different
excerpts, different times whenI would be with them and I would
tell them a little story thatthey were, they were hilarious
together.
And she gave me a shirt and itsaid the Abbot and it will show.
(41:24):
And I said I'm not gonna.
I'm still smiling today, Iain't gonna break down on that
because we's gonna celebratetoday.
And on her birthday that night,and when I was at the hospital
and I was sitting on the floorin the hospital and it was clear
to me I was like y'all.
She told me that today and myaunt told me she said when my
(41:45):
she says sometimes, sometimesthe Holy Spirit will reveal
things to you in a voice that iscoming, that's familiar,
they're speaking to you to letyou know.
And.
But my grandfather passed onher birthday that night and that
was to lose the two constantpillars in my life was hard
(42:09):
because I was like, what do I donow?
And that's why I say, when thatconstant, when your everyday
constant, is no longer there,what do you do?
What do you do?
It took a lot of prayer.
A lot of moments of writing thecard and talking to you know,
talking to God, you know, get alittle frustrated, you know.
(42:32):
But it's what I learned and Iactually, I went to therapy, I
did therapy and one thing was tolearn that grief is a process
and there is no time yeah, thereis no time.
There are some days that youmay laugh, some days you may
smile, but whatever you feelfeel, it Fill it in that moment
(42:55):
and you and you sit in it andthen you know you come out of it
.
So holidays come around.
It is.
It is a little difficultsometimes, but I know for me, I
can say for me, I try to findthose memories, those fun
memories where I laugh or smile,you know, and I appreciate, and
(43:15):
what I start doing isappreciating the moments that I
did have, because theselfishness in me wanted them
here.
Absolutely yeah, selfishness inme wanted them here, and that's
what I had to learn.
It was.
It was me being selfish, but Ihad to understand that.
I knew that the state that theywere in they were no longer
(43:37):
enjoying life Exactly.
So to have to battle physically, to have to struggle physically
to where you're codependent ona lot of things and when, when
death happens that way is a.
It gives you a different spin.
But to lose someone tragically,with no expectation, that's a
(43:58):
blow Right.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Yeah, that's a blow yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:02):
So I think sometimes the process of it, when it's
Like you said earlier, xavier,is kind of like you kind of know
what's happening.
Yeah, you know, even though youdon't want it to happen, you
know what's happening.
But for individuals thatexperience losing a loved one
unexpectedly Right.
(44:23):
That's that's a different fold.
That's a.
That's a different fold, yeah,yeah.
guys, guys, what's up , guys?
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
My name is Anthony.
(00:47):
Welcome to Spade.
The Podcast Live.
What's going on, y'all?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
What's up, what's up, what's up.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
So I've got a returning guest that you guys
already know, xavier fromKingdom Thoughts Podcast.
What's going on, xavier?
What's up bro?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
What's going on?
Man, you doing all right.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm good man.
And then I've got a new memberto my podcast and a good friend
of mine that I have not seen inyears grew up and merged
together.
Laina, what is going on withyou?
(01:32):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I am good, what is going on, xavier?
And it's been a while.
It's been a while.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Wow, this is like a mouth-bunner reunion, is it not
when it all began?
Where it all began, good times,great, great times, great times
, great times Great times, greattimes, great times.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
It's a good foundation.
What it was?
A good foundation, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Remember we were in a Spartan Burger location and you
were the step team leader andeverything.
Yes, Lord, I think I was likenine years old, nine or ten.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Lord of man, make me feel a little bit older.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Tell everybody who you are and what you're doing
now.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
I am Laina, mostly now known as Chef AK.
I have started cateringbusiness about like 2019.
Named the catering business andhonor of my grandmother is
called Elle Willis.
It's been going pretty well.
I started right before COVIDand relocating back to Atlanta,
(03:10):
but everything is going well nowActually had a feature article
just drop on, I believe it wasTuesday and Voyage ATL.
They do feature stories onlocal entrepreneurs, small
business, things like that.
So if you guys get a chance,check that out.
(03:30):
It is going to go on thewebsite Voyage Magazine as well
as go on Facebook.
So I have my own cateringbusiness Building a brand can
follow me on social media underChef AK, underscore AK 1 on IG.
Or you can go on to Elle Willisat 324 on IG.
See some of my featured food.
(03:51):
You know things like that.
Had opportunity to be on areality show called Women in the
Life Atlanta Done a few things.
Currently have a podcast with aco-host of podcast called
Rainbow Tea with AK and Kairi.
(04:12):
So, god's blessing, god'sblessing.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, congratulations for everything.
Thank you so much.
What's up?
Yeah, slow motion.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Just partnered with a couple of people.
We're in the beginning stages,build out stages to open an
actual brick and mortarrestaurant.
So it'll be a lunch brunchlocation.
So make sure you follow onsocial media, see the platform
for that.
When we open, do a grandopening, definitely send you
guys an invite.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
You're not going to learn it too quick because of
the traffic.
But just everything is life, islife thing, but God is still
blessing Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
God is still good.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
You are busy, I try to be.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
I try to be Absolutely.
One thing I always knew mygrandmother always say she
always used Philippians 4 and 13.
You can do all things and makesure you do what you want to do.
God equips you with everythingyou need inside to be able to
accomplish anything you want todo.
Everything you need is insideof you, but if you can help
(05:29):
someone along the way, then yourliving is not in vain.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
No.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Absolutely so little by little, xavier.
So what is going on with you?
What is the word?
What's new with you?
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Hey man, you know it's the same old husband life,
dad life, student life.
That's me.
Yes, sir, that keeps you busy.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Absolutely, absolutely, yeah, you know how
to?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I love it Absolutely.
That's one.
That's one that's one.
That's one, that's one.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
So we're going to go ahead and get started.
Before we go in and talk aboutthe topic that we're going to
discuss today, I want to do alittle icebreaker, because you
know Thanksgiving is around thecorner and what is your favorite
(06:37):
Thanksgiving dish that y'allcan't like?
That's got to be done for.
So what is got to be?
What is it?
Speaker 3 (06:51):
That's a good one.
Yes, seems like everything,because I was in a map to cook
something.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I know they have you in the kitchen.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
And I can work and friend.
I try not to be, I try not tobe.
I was like I will host, I willhold you, I will come over, just
bring a dish, just bring a dish.
There sure was a place and someto go.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Heavy on the foil Right.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
You check it.
That's what they feel like it'sautomatic.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
I thought you going to cook everything.
I was like now and what yousigned up for, I had my mom, I
had my mom, I had my mom, I hadmy mom, I had my mom, I had my
mom, I had my mom, I had my mom,I had my mom, I had my mom, I
had my mom.
My mom told me, I told them,you were doing grays.
I was like well, mommy, you lie.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
We didn't talk about that.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Let's talk about who made the potato salad.
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
All I know is for my potato salad.
I do not want any raisins in mypotato salad no.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're going to leave thosealone.
Leave that alone.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Leave that alone, and you know I don't want anybody
experimenting with dishes duringThanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
No, no, it's not a beginner cook or holiday.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
No no.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
No, I don't want anybody to fail.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
We need you to sign up to bring the plates to cooks
and stuff like that.
See, that's me, that's me.
I bring the cups and the platesand all that I'm sure we
stopped on the trip.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Also you know, cook.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Not a good, not enough for Thanksgiving.
Now Give him a knife.
Gotta mess up.
Nobody how to say it.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
I saw on this.
It was this face, this Tik Tokor face proposal.
They were doing this macaroniand cheese, sweet potato pie and
I want to try it.
You want to try it?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Dude, because you ain't never had that sweet
potato pie in the corner, thatmacaroni accidentally put it
together.
Get it together yeah, see.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I mean, it just didn't work.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
It got that savory, that sweet savory taste to it,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't know, because I just they could be on the
plate together, but I don't knowabout incorporating it.
Yeah, but I mean just themacaroni on top of the on the
sweet potato pie, that's just,that's a little much.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Like it.
Hit you, dude.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
That's a really big, absolutely, that's a really big.
I do do this, what I call asoul bowl, which actually the
base of it is is to like thecornbread.
Then I have, like the greens,little sweet potato, then like
whatever meat is on top of this,called a soul bowl.
If you like to eat together,that is, it's good.
(10:42):
But I don't know about cookingsweet potatoes in the macaroni.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
But you should bring a little bit of that soul bowl
and I'll make a trip.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
I will not.
I will not make it back to theCarolinas.
I'm a.
I'm a high.
I got a soul bowl for you.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Please do, I got one for you.
Oh God, all right, lastquestion Okay, so who likes
Chitlins, do y'all like ChitlinsI don't, I don't do them.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
You don't do them.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
No, I don't do them.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Why I don't do the Chitlins.
I don't, I don't really eatthem.
I don't do them, I don't mind.
They got you know they, theyhave their place, it's just not
on my plate.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
They have their place .
Yeah, Just not on my plate,that's all.
But I see them people, they,they.
They had them Chitlins withtheir little rice and all that.
They, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So do you, so you don't cook, I prefer not to.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I just prefer not to.
Yeah, it's not, it's not mything we haven't you know, we
haven't joined together, wehaven't built a relationship yet
.
I really want them.
You know, I really want them.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
See, I love people like Lanna, because she made
this mold for me.
There it is, you can, you can.
You can have my food.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
You can have my food.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You can have my portion.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Oh, I will share my portion.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Let's see, all right, we're going to go ahead and get
started.
We're going to go along.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
All right, all right, they said they said, they said,
they said they said, they said,they said you know they said
they want me to skip the show.
Basically, with this podcastepisode pretty much, I've been
seeing a lot of people beingdealing with grief.
(13:03):
Grief is such a heavy topic,especially during the holidays,
people don't know how to be ableto handle you know the holidays
, you know dealing with griefand dealing with the loss of
loved ones.
And so this, this podcast live,was I want to discuss, like how
(13:27):
can we come up with a I guessyou can say a roadmap to help
process grief and how to helpsomebody through that process?
And my very first question thatI want to start off is what was
(13:50):
life like during the holidaysbefore the loss of your loved
ones?
You go ahead.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
I think for me, thanksgiving, you know, was the,
the time we all came together.
So, you know, even was great.
I think Christmas was morepersonal time.
You know, it was just me, mymother and you know, my sister
around Christmas time.
(14:24):
I remember my mother.
She always wake us up everyyear like we didn't know the
story, but she said us down,told us the story of Jesus being
born.
You know what the realChristmas was.
So, I mean, holidays was great,you know.
Growing up, I can honestly say,you know, around Christmas time
, most kids looked for towardthe gifts in which, of course, I
(14:45):
did, but I'm more of a more ofa relationship type guy.
I was a child.
I just love that time, you know, spending together.
So I mean holidays for me.
Growing up, and you know,before my mother passed away in
2011 was, you know, but smileand good memories, man, yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
I think holidays were , as you say, yours, as when
you're younger you have fun, funmemories.
You just remember everybodybeing together, just the food,
the laughter, the cutting up orwhatever you know.
And it was Thanksgiving wasmore of a time where you had
(15:32):
pretty much everybody cometogether.
You know it's always one thatone relative that will host and
everybody come all various as afamily.
You know siblings and thingslike aunts and uncles, everybody
you know.
Christmas, at the same time,was more of an intimate thing
with your immediate family.
So it makes a difference.
(15:53):
When those individuals werethere.
You just you have thosememories sometimes.
I think that when you get to aspace where they're like now,
currently, and they're no longerthere, you're like man, you
know.
You have those moments.
You're like man, you know, andthose memories just kind of
flood.
They just kind of flood whereyou remember certain things,
(16:17):
certain things you were doing,certain things people said with
your loved ones.
You know you can remembercertain things.
They wore, you know.
And it's interesting how thathappens a lot of times, because
you have how those memoriesbecome so vivid, they become so
clear.
It's like HDTV just playingyour mind, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Yeah, I can remember during Christmas well, even
between Christmas andThanksgiving we would play car
games with her because she lovedPity Pat, pity Pat.
She would love that.
(17:01):
So we would play those gamesand every time she'll have a
mate made a cards winner, she'dlike hold it, hold it.
She'll give the cards.
It'll be hilarious the wayshe'll say that.
I'm trying to see if we did.
(17:23):
I think we did bingo too, thatshe liked bingo, but definitely
Pity Pat, pity Pat was herfavorite, favorite game.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I'm not mad at her.
That was actually my first cardgame I ever learned, and my
grandmother taught it to me.
That's the first game I everlearned.
Then I learned some other stuffthat I probably wasn't supposed
to, but that was one of thefirst games I learned, so I'm
(17:53):
not mad at great-grandma, yeahyeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, mother she, she , she, she made sure we played
that game.
And then you know, after that,then we'll break off, you know
we'll play our spades and tonk,et cetera.
Yeah, but yeah, it's good times.
And then I can remember where,when she would cook her that
(18:18):
cornbread in in the cast ironskillet, Absolutely oh.
Oh, good oh good so, good so,good so, good so good.
So, um, so take me through theprocess.
(18:41):
Uh, and I know this will, Iknow this may be a little
difficult for you guys, but um,just take me through the process
of when you lost, um your loveone, from handling the whole
grieving process, like your fromyour daily activities to
explaining, um you know, likeyour children, um, what happened
(19:05):
to the business side of it asfar as, like, handling funeral
arrangements.
How did you process in, copewith the whole experience Like,
um, how was that wholeexperience with that?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You want to.
Um, mine was a little differentbecause I was in high school
with with my first major losswith um, you know, my was my
mother, of course, um, I was asenior in Month into my senior
year and she passed away on the17th of September Uh, but, um,
(19:47):
when that day came I was kind ofum I want to say ready, because
you know you, never ready I was, but I was kind of here because
six days before that 10th, 11thI never forget it I was uh in
Greenwood at my father's houseand he was actually up uh in the
middle of his sermon preaching,and I remember the phone
(20:12):
ringing.
At that time he was a pastor ofa small Baptist church.
You know, in the small Baptistchurch you hear everything.
Yeah, I never the um the phoneringing like it, just the church
phone kept ringing.
And I knew something was wrongthen because at the time my
mother was in Atlanta, um, kindof like a last resort type of
thing.
No, family was desperate, justtrying to save her life.
(20:33):
She was um at a naturalholistic doctor and already by
this time she had that suffereda seizure which kind of left her
in a vegetative state.
So of course I'm worried theentire time trying to figure out
.
You know, keep school up tryingto keep a smile on my face, but
you know, inside I'm just allover the place and I never
(20:53):
forget the phone kept dosomething was wrong and, um, my
father had to actually literallyleave the pulpit because one of
the deacons told him that thephone call with him and I knew
then that the firm, you know,kind of my suspicion and he
didn't tell me, of course, untilafter that we had to rush to
Atlanta where my mother wasbecause she had suffered a
(21:14):
stroke, uh, another, and so youknow I'm seeing her, and then my
aunt and um, telling us to she,I never forget, she told me and
my sister that can we just comein and tell my mother that it
was okay for her to transitionbecause she had fought for so
long?
Um, she always said she, youknow her children just making it
(21:36):
, you know, into the real world.
That's all she wanted to see.
And having to look at her, youknow so many tools and stuff
connected to her.
So I kind of knew, you know,that's the day that I kind of
processed the fact that you know, any day now my mother would
you know, transition in.
Six days later, on the 17th, wegot the call um that she had
(21:59):
passed away.
And so this for me, um,unfortunately, um was kind of
like disassociating myself fromeverything and everyone.
Uh, because my sister's fiveyears older than me, so I'm 17.
My sister had already been outof the house for like four years
with college and, you know,doing the whole adult life.
(22:20):
She was married, um had herfirst child, my niece, so it was
just me and my mother.
So that was kind of I went fromher being my everything to now
having, you know in my mind,just disassociating myself from
everything.
Um, my grades and schoolstarted to slip Like I would go
(22:40):
home and I would just literallycut off the lights and just stay
in the dark, you know, until itwas time for me to do it again.
Um, and you know that was kindof my life Um, for the next two
and a half three years.
My wife she wasn't my wife atthe time but, uh, you know she
was there, my aunt was there.
You know people were just tryingto, um, you know, see the old
(23:04):
me, but I really didn't know howto be the old me because that
was wrapped up in the personthat I just lost.
So I mean, it was, it was a veryrough go.
Um, I would say the first threeand a half years, um, you know,
dealing with anxiety, uh, angerissues, I mean lightest thing
could set me off.
So, especially around you know,these times, holidays, um, it
(23:28):
really wasn't until I had a cometo Jesus moment.
I was in the room literallyjust me, my wife, um, and you
know God kind of had to tug onmy heart to uh draw me into him,
draw me back to what I knew.
Um, that was like four, threeor four years later.
So the grief process, uh,really doesn't have a timetable.
(23:48):
You know, uh, talking aboutthree and a half years, that I
just was back and forth, backand forth, and even after that,
you know, even that realizationwith God, you know it was still
sometimes a struggle Uh, so youknow that whole grieving process
is, is is very unpredictable,uh, to say the least.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I agree with that, so there's no time frame.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Not at all, there's no time frame at all.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
When you're um, one thing that I struggled with for
me was for a moment to whenyou're everything that you know,
you're every you know what youknow to be your everyday.
That constant that's been inyour life is no longer there
(24:40):
Absolutely, and that that waswhat.
What do I do?
You have like what?
What do I do?
Um, yeah, experiencing with,like I was very close with my
grandmother.
Most people thought, even atchurch.
Most people thought that youknow, mama Kelly was actually my
mother, but she's mygrandmother, you know that's.
(25:01):
That's, that's all I know,that's where I you know where I
grew up.
And her my yeah, her, mygrandfather, that's.
That's it was.
It was hard, one thing I usedto always say, and even living
here, living here, living herein Atlanta previously, before um
coming back to South Carolina.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Cause.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
I I would always say I'm not moving back to South
Carolina.
Why would I do that?
Why would I do that?
But uh, it didn't hit me toafter, but got orchestrated for
me to be there, um, jobtransition, uh, went to
Charlotte, then back inGreenville and then back in
Greenville, kind of set up state, you know, built home
(25:44):
everything.
And when all this was happeningwas when, kind of like, things
turned health wise for mygrandmother she was in renal
failure and um, things of thatnature.
She would always, you know, sayshe wasn't going to go, um, you
know, do certain things orwhatever.
She kept pushing Um, and whatwas interesting was, um, when I
(26:05):
got started failing, um, mygrandfather was always that
person.
Also to he was like I'm notgoing on, doctor, they just want
to co-pay, they just want toco-pay.
So, you know, but his healthhas started transitioning as
well.
And he ended up on that Alice'sactually before my grandmother
and to see them start to gothrough what they were going
(26:25):
through.
I used to always say what wouldI do without my grandparents?
What would I do without mygrandmother?
My grandmother's, my, my,everything, my was my best
friend.
You know, I talked to mygrandmother about any and
everything, you know, and shewas always that person, um, that
was there, um, for me in, inwhatever state.
You know, whatever state I wasin, whatever I was going through
(26:50):
it could be early morning, alate night, whatever we have
conversations and I always feltas though like what would I do?
But I felt it.
The things I'm saying now.
It was not a realization then,but I understood it later.
But I feel as though that I wasbeing prepared, and my
(27:10):
grandmother was preparing me, tobe there with them to go
through what they went through,health-wise, and to be of
assistance in whatever capacitythat looked like financial,
whatever they needed.
I wanted to make sure they hadit.
I busted my tail to do whateverit was that I needed to do, and
(27:32):
even prior to transition, Iremember when we were sitting on
the porch, it was Mother's Dayand I was talking to her and
told her that I wanted to open arestaurant one day and want to
do some things, and she was likeyou can do it, god, god.
And she, her favorite word washallelujah, and so.
I said Grandma.
(27:52):
I said what if I name it afteryou?
What if I name it after you she?
Speaker 2 (27:56):
was like you don't name something.
Hell well, as I said, yeah it'sdifferent.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
It's different, but my grandmother had.
She had failed in going to dielast season.
One morning my brother had gaveup his apartment and he was
residing with them because atthis point they needed
round-the-clock care and myother family members, crystal
and my mom, until everybody waskind of pitching in and she fell
(28:25):
and she went to.
They just figured that she hada little bump.
They took her to the ER and shewent to.
She still ended up doing herdialysis or whatnot.
And so the afternoon I talked toher.
We talked every day and I saidI said Grandma, I said you first
said she was like I think Ibroke my neck.
I was like, grandma, you didn'teven break your neck.
(28:46):
Now, I don't think you brokeyour neck.
They wouldn't let you go homeif you broke your neck and she
was, but she was in pain andabout.
Actually, this was 2017.
Actually, the factors was goingto a soup bowl, and that's my
(29:06):
team.
I know they ain't doing muchnow, but I wanted to make a
plans to go.
I wanted to go and she ended upgoing to the hospital again
because she had been in a lot ofpain and discomfort and my
brother was like he was like Iain't never time I try to lift
her, she's climbing, whatnot.
(29:29):
So she went to the hospital andshe ended up she actually had
broken it.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
The third break was broken.
Speaker 3 (29:39):
So they had her in a few contraption and whatnot.
And she was there.
She was still Mama Kelly, shewas talking and whatnot, and
talked to.
Her Family came to see her andwhatnot.
And I said, well, I'm going togo.
She's like yo Falcons.
(30:00):
I say yes, ma'am.
But what was interesting waswhen I got there I couldn't
enjoy the game.
It was just something thatwouldn't.
I just it didn't feel right.
Something felt different.
And that night my aunt, tina,was there and she called and she
(30:23):
said that grandmother hadbasically suffered a stroke and
things kind of took a turn.
But I knew, before I had left,she was talking and I was like,
well, what happened?
Because she was talking andeverything she had just told me,
because I was in like layingover a bed before I left, and
she was like you need to leaveme a piece of change.
(30:45):
And I said, girl, what you needsomebody for.
We were joking back and forth.
But then I came home early thatmorning and something told me to
go get my grandfather and so Iwent pick my grandfather up and
we went to the hospital and mygrandfather was starting to
experience a little bit ofdementia a little.
(31:07):
But when we got there and wewent in and I still have the
video today and I just kind ofvideoed their interaction.
And he was talking to her butshe wasn't fully conscious.
But she came to and he wastalking to her what night?
And it was just us in the roomand she mumbled, she said where
(31:28):
you been?
And I said I'm here, grandma,I'm here.
And we were there that day.
But that evening family startedcoming.
But that evening my grandfatherdidn't want to leave.
He didn't want to leave and Isaid well, granddad, I got to
take you back Because at thistime he was in a rehab facility.
(31:50):
And I said I got to take youback.
But we called them and theytold us that we could stay or
whatnot.
But that next morning I got up.
We got up that morning and Iwent and when I got there, me
and my brother got there.
They had, they said they weretaking her down to dialysis.
She's going to do dialysis.
(32:11):
And I said well, what time willy'all be back?
And they said they will be back.
She'll be back by 10 o'clock.
So me and my brother went toget something to eat.
We came back and we were in theroom.
She still wasn't back.
Well, the nurse came in.
The hospice nurse came in andshe started talking to me and
(32:31):
she was saying about the carethey were going to do to kind of
help with the fracturedvertebrae in her neck and
whatnot.
And so in the entrance of hertalking they brought my
grandmother in.
But when they brought her inthen she was sitting straight up
.
They had her up in the bed butshe was making this gurgling
noise and I said why is shedoing that?
(32:56):
And so they were having to.
She was like well, she can'tswallow good, and so they got
her in the bed and got her backon her bed and she was laying
there.
My brother and I were standingon either side of her and she
wasn't verbal at all, other thanthe only thing that she said.
She just kept saying huh, likethat.
(33:19):
But she had her eyes fixated,looking straight up.
Her eyes were fixated, lookingstraight up, and my brother, he
was like Land.
You know, grandma always hadbeen afraid of heights.
And the nurse, she rubbed me onmy back and she said,
sweetheart, she said yourgrandmother is transitioning.
(33:40):
And so I called the family andI told I called my mom and I
called me and I said if y'allcoming, y'all need to come on.
And so I had my iPad with meand I started playing music.
And I started playing music andI was singing tour and whatnot,
and the family got there, familycame it was about 6.30 that
(34:01):
evening and everybody had gotthere and when everybody was
around the bed and Monique andCrystal kind of got in the bed
and my grandmother had apacemaker and so they laid on it
and I was rubbing her, I wasrubbing her and I was just
talking to her and I feltsomething came over me and I
(34:24):
said I told her.
I said, grandma, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (34:27):
I said it's okay.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I said we're gonna be all right.
We're gonna be all right.
I said I promise.
I said we're gonna be okay.
I said I promise I'm gonna takecare of granddaddy and I'm
gonna look after granddaddy.
And she looked back like thisand I said it's okay, you've
done a great job, you've done,you've served, you've given your
all.
(34:49):
I said it's okay and she closedher eyes and that was it.
Wow, she closed her eyes andthat was it.
And to be in the space with her, with everybody, when she took
her last breath, was something.
And I was.
I was hurt, but I was strongerthan I thought I would be.
(35:14):
That's love.
I was stronger than I thought Iwould be.
And I was, I was, it was almostkinda I can't really explain it
it was just almost kinda like Ijust it's like I, my mind, I
always thought that I would just, I would just lose it, I would
just break.
But I did, and I know there wasnobody but God, I know there
(35:40):
was nobody but God, and to haveto be part of the planning and
to be part of the planning andyou know, make arrangements and
to you know, do things, doeverything.
That's a space I had never saidin before, I had never said in
before and I, I was like I, I, Ididn't know everything, but the
(36:04):
interesting part was y'all, Iwent, I went to work, I didn't
stop, I went to work, I went towork and I was actually I'll
never forget I was actuallyworking on.
One of the computers was downand I was on the phone with the
tech person.
I was talking to him orwhatever, and in the midst of me
doing that and talking to youstarted roping Wow.
(36:27):
And it didn't, it didn't stop,and so I actually at that point
I had to dismiss myself fromwork and I just drove.
And I was just driving and then,when it got to the point to
where they were, like we needyou to come, the funeral service
, the funeral home, he got youlike we need you to come, so you
(36:49):
know the check off, and I toldmy cousin, I said I said I trust
your judgment, I couldn't makemyself go.
I couldn't make myself go, andit was late that evening before
I did, before I actually went tothe funeral home, and it was
something to see her, you knowher body, just there, and it it
(37:18):
took me.
It took me.
It was like I didn't want toaccept it, I really didn't, but
I found it in a strength to beable to push through and I did
something I thought I wouldnever do and I spoke at my
grandmother's funeral.
I spoke at my grandmother's andthat was something.
But when we got to the grave Icouldn't walk to the grave to
(37:42):
see them put down, and that wasa process, for for me, I
couldn't make myself go to therewhen everybody wanted that.
I stood in the background, Istood in the background, I stood
away.
I couldn't make myself,couldn't make myself go.
And it was a few days later, afew days later, that I, um, I
(38:06):
was sitting at home and I wasjust sitting there at my bar,
the kitchen, and that's wheneverything hit me, when
everything was for the emotionand hurt and anger and
frustration I mean everythingjust just flooded.
But it was, it was, it was aprocess, it was a process.
(38:28):
For me, it was a prize, it wasa process.
And then not even it was.
I had her birthday was coming upand I had asked her prior to
what she wanted to do and shetold me she wanted to fish fry.
But I still did it.
I still did it.
So that morning of her birthdayI invited everybody over.
(38:49):
We had made plans to, you know,have a dinner and everything.
I still did it.
Everybody came, had a wholefish fry, the whole seafood,
everything, and that on herbirthday.
That day.
That, I'm sorry, guys, I lostmy, lost my lights.
I got back there.
(39:13):
We go.
That evening Everybody wasleaving and I got a calm and get
to the hospital.
My grandfather's the house andmy grandfather passed on her
birthday and it was only sixweeks later Wow.
(39:36):
But, I got in the car to leaveand I was getting ready to drive
and guys, before I even got tothe hospital, I broke and I like
to do a screen, I like to do ascreen.
And when we got to, my stepsister ended up driving me and
(39:59):
we got to the hospital.
My grandfather had hadtransition and it was.
But the interesting part, y'all, the what was, what was amazing
, what was really amazing thatmorning.
That morning I was in my closetand.
I don't know what it is.
Every time something's gettingready to happen or changes
(40:20):
happening in my life orsomething big, I end up in my
closet, literally in the closet,and I was in the closet and I
was sitting on the floor and Iyou guys know my grandmother
always song and I could hear but, I, would hear this song.
And the song kept, was the songthat was that was playing that
came on, was I'm going to take atrip.
(40:41):
And I said and I said mymassage.
And I was talking to her and Iwas like I miss, I miss you,
saying and I miss us and wedon't honor you today.
Still, I'm going to keep mypromise and everything.
And I said and granddaddy, gotake a gun.
And on everything I heard mygrandmother say I'm coming to
get it.
(41:01):
Oh, I did, I did.
And that my stepsons had givenme a shirt and I would have you
know, I'll know if y'all knew onFacebook I would have different
excerpts, different times whenI would be with them and I would
tell them a little story thatthey were, they were hilarious
together.
And she gave me a shirt and itsaid the Abbot and it will show.
(41:24):
And I said I'm not gonna.
I'm still smiling today, Iain't gonna break down on that
because we's gonna celebratetoday.
And on her birthday that night,and when I was at the hospital
and I was sitting on the floorin the hospital and it was clear
to me I was like y'all.
She told me that today and myaunt told me she said when my
(41:45):
she says sometimes, sometimesthe Holy Spirit will reveal
things to you in a voice that iscoming, that's familiar,
they're speaking to you to letyou know.
And.
But my grandfather passed onher birthday that night and that
was to lose the two constantpillars in my life was hard
(42:09):
because I was like, what do I donow?
And that's why I say, when thatconstant, when your everyday
constant, is no longer there,what do you do?
What do you do?
It took a lot of prayer.
A lot of moments of writing thecard and talking to you know,
talking to God, you know, get alittle frustrated, you know.
(42:32):
But it's what I learned and Iactually, I went to therapy, I
did therapy and one thing was tolearn that grief is a process
and there is no time yeah, thereis no time.
There are some days that youmay laugh, some days you may
smile, but whatever you feelfeel, it Fill it in that moment
(42:55):
and you and you sit in it andthen you know you come out of it
.
So holidays come around.
It is.
It is a little difficultsometimes, but I know for me, I
can say for me, I try to findthose memories, those fun
memories where I laugh or smile,you know, and I appreciate, and
(43:15):
what I start doing isappreciating the moments that I
did have, because theselfishness in me wanted them
here.
Absolutely yeah, selfishness inme wanted them here, and that's
what I had to learn.
It was.
It was me being selfish, but Ihad to understand that.
I knew that the state that theywere in they were no longer
(43:37):
enjoying life Exactly.
So to have to battle physically, to have to struggle physically
to where you're codependent ona lot of things and when, when
death happens that way is a.
It gives you a different spin.
But to lose someone tragically,with no expectation, that's a
(43:58):
blow Right.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Yeah, that's a blow yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:02):
So I think sometimes the process of it, when it's
Like you said earlier, xavier,is kind of like you kind of know
what's happening.
Yeah, you know, even though youdon't want it to happen, you
know what's happening.
But for individuals thatexperience losing a loved one
unexpectedly Right.
(44:23):
That's that's a different fold.
That's a.
That's a different fold, yeah,yeah.
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