February 28, 2024 • 54 mins
Whats up everyone! After several months, I was finally able to upload part two of this series. Join us alongside our insightful guest, Jalen and Jasmine, as we trace the contours of toxic partnerships and the courage it takes to reclaim your happiness. This episode is a deep dive into the murky depths of love turned harmful, examining the red flags, the difficult yet necessary decision to leave, and the journey of healing that follows.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
"'Eva Glory' by Gordon Matthews.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I mean, it's many different answers, though, and
that's the thing, like it's notjust one answer, because
everybody is different and whatmay be toxic to one person may
not be toxic to the next person,so it really is just about
experience.
For me, I would say, like, whatmakes the relationship toxic,
from what I've seen, is likesometimes, when you just have
(01:18):
two people that's on two totallydifferent pages and not, for
whatever reason, being able tolike effectively communicate
where they are and what theywant and where they see
themselves going, because if youhave a breakdown from that and
you don't really understand that, like what are you building on?
(01:40):
And that's where the wholefoundation starts to get toxic,
because you have somebody whodoesn't really understand
themselves yet or what theyreally want, and then this other
person that's over here liketrying to invest so much because
they really like this otherperson, and then they end up
getting hurt in the process ofjust like not being able to get
(02:03):
on the same page.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Okay, Jel, let me thank you.
I feel like you cannot disturbmy peace.
I will not have it, I will nottolerate it.
I feel like when you get to acertain age, if you're not
thinking about certain things,you don't have to have it
(02:26):
perfectly wrote down, all thatyou don't.
But if you don't have certainthings and goals in your life,
like, why even try?
You know like that's a red flag.
Red flag, but I'm not sayingthat any relationship, any
relationship is perfect.
You're going to have arguments,but how are we going to get
(02:48):
through this argument?
So we don't argue.
Can we sit down, have aconversation, a decent
conversation, with one another?
Like we shouldn't be having anyextra drama that life already
doesn't bring.
You know like, yeah, don'tdisturb my peace, that's got you
(03:10):
, I got you.
So how do you know if you arein a toxic relationship?
I know when I'm in a toxicrelationship.
If it's more of me giving thanreceiving, okay, like I'm not
(03:35):
saying that you have to havesomething, but if we're in two
people and we're in arelationship, we have to be
halfway, at least halfway.
Sometimes one might do 80, theother might do 20 or whatever.
It might get like thatsometimes, but in the beginning.
You should be able to meet mehalfway, we should be able to
(03:57):
talk, we should be able todisagree.
And if we disagree, like, howare we going to solve this?
What are our goals, our plans,our dreams, what is it?
If you have none of that, thenwhat are we going to do?
We're not going to do nothing.
Sorry, jalen, what you thinking?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I'm thinking, what makes me think that I'm in a
toxic relationship?
I guess I would say kind ofsimilar in the sense of, if it's
anything that is like I'm allabout balance, I can feel like
energy.
And when it shifts, when it'smoving, and anytime I feel like
(04:51):
kind of like how she said, likeI'm giving out more than I'm
getting back, is when I start tofeel like, okay, something is
not right More.
But even in like a toxicsituation, like there's so many
different flags, especially likewhat's toxic, like is the other
person controlling?
(05:11):
Like that's toxic.
Are there certain behaviors thatyou look for?
Or is it like in communication,when she's saying, like we
should be able to sit down andhave a conversation?
Well, when you try to have aconversation, is it like, do you
walk out of it understandingeach other a little more?
Or does it every time we try totalk about something, does it
(05:33):
resort to an argument?
Does it get physical?
Like that's where I say wherethe toxic line comes in.
It's all about, like I guess,just the behaviors of it all,
and the communication is kind ofwhere you start to see where it
becomes toxic.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Okay, I have a question.
Okay, talking about toxicrelationships, when do you
notice that it's a toxicrelationship?
Do you notice after the personstart putting their hands on you
?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Oh, you have to be directly.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
No, I'm just saying because I came in on the tail
end, so is it?
It's red flags, up to that.
When do you choose to payattention to those red flags?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
So is it the red flag .
And if that red flag getknocked down, oh, I got this far
, let me push it.
Oh, here she, let me go thatfar, I'm gonna push it again.
Oh, okay.
So now I'm gonna start puttingmy hands on you, but it was five
red flags before you even gotto that and you never said
(06:47):
anything.
So when is it as a toxicrelationship?
When is it?
Do we say, okay, I love myself,but I love myself more to say
no, I'm not gonna let it get tothat level?
I think it's.
It goes back to your actuallygoes back to your mindset for
(07:09):
real, and I mean that to thefact of it's going back to the
basis of your pain that you'rereliving.
So if, if you are wanting to beaccepted so bad by that person
that you're in a relationshipwith and you are tolerating the
(07:34):
tox, the tox, toxicity, toxicity, that much because you're
wanting to stay in thatrelationship, but you know it's
wrong, but you see the red flags, I think that is, you know
(07:57):
that's within that area, and itgoes back to you know again the
past.
That's what I think Okay.
But if you say, say, forinstance, you're in a
relationship, well, I'm in arelationship.
I'm in a relationship with aguy and you know I'm doing great
(08:20):
here, business wise, this, thenthe third, and then I realized
how great I was doing before theguy.
The guy comes in all of asudden I don't see the red flags
and everything starts to do ina little way because I'm in a
toxic relationship, worriedabout somebody else.
So I know how I was before Igot into the relationship.
(08:43):
I know how it felt to be me, tobe happy.
All this I'm not saying this isme in real life.
I'm just.
I know how it was when I was onmy high and then I got with
this person and I could seemyself going down Like I'm not
doing things that I used to do,my business isn't going the way
(09:04):
I wanted to go, my life isn'tgoing the way I wanted to go,
but I got somebody else knowingin my ear and I think it just
goes back to the fact thatyou're just choosing to accept
it.
So okay.
So when we don't pay attentionto the red flags in the toxic
relationship, you're saying thatthey chose to accept it.
(09:24):
They chose to accept it becausethey feel like and this is my
opinion they feel like thatwithin that relation, that toxic
relationship that you knowthey've been hurt before and
this is the only relationshipthat it's going to work out and
(09:46):
so, but they know the red, theyknow the red flags, they see the
red flags, but this is the onlyrelationship that they can see.
They can't see anything else.
I'm just saying they can't seeanything else.
So they see, I can't, I can'tunderstand how you work so hard
for something like you know thetime that you put in everything,
(10:06):
like the years, to get whereyou want to be in life, and then
you let somebody come in andtake that from you, like when do
you stop?
When do you say I can't do thisanymore, you are hurting me.
When do we stop?
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I think and I can say this from experience, right,
because I've been in thatsituation and I was that person
who had to make that decisionand I'll say, for me it comes
from a place of like, when youhave that self awakening or that
self realization that you don'treally need this person and
(10:49):
that you are going to be okay byyourself.
And I think, for me, Ipersonally allowed myself to
stay in that situation somewhatout of fear of what they would
do to me, because this personwas like very violent,
physically and verbally, likethreatening and things like that
(11:10):
.
So like there was an element oflike survival, of, oh my gosh,
like if I do one thing wrong orthis person just saw and I'll be
out of here.
So I think it stayed for awhile out of that like fear for
my life, like for as long as Icould cling to it.
But I do think, over time, likethere was this overwhelming
(11:32):
feeling of just unhappiness andit was like a guttural like
feeling that I had in thatmoment of I know now that I have
to choose either you or me inthis situation, like I literally
had this moment and I knew thatin that moment I had to choose
myself and by any meansnecessary it did whatever I had
(11:57):
to do to get myself out of it.
Not everybody is in thatsituation, can do that, because
everybody's situation isdifferent, but I'll just say
that was it.
For me is when I had thatmoment of like self realization
and self awakening, is when Ifinally slapped myself and said
how long are you going tocontinue to take this?
(12:17):
Because you don't Hmm.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
That, that, that voice that's in us, that voice
was in you the whole time.
It was those voice, those werethose red flags.
You knew it, you seen it, itwas in your face and you still
decide to walk right over there.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
It's true.
I mean especially in thebeginning because, like I guess,
for me in my experiences, likethrough childhood, so like my
parents were divorced when I wastwo and like all of my dad's
other, like brothers and stuff,they all have divorces so it's
like a thing in my family.
(12:59):
So I always told myself, likewhen I was an adult, I don't
want to repeat those same cyclesof them having failed
relationships.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Okay, no question no, go ahead why do you think those
relations, why do you thinkthose relationships were failed?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
I don't really know like all of the stories, Like I
only know like bits and piecesof, like my parents or whatever.
But I just know like for them Iguess they were on two
different pages of where theywanted to go within their
marriage and they didn't agreeon that.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
So it was kind of like why do you think it was a
failure, though?
For them just because two peoplesplit, that doesn't mean that
they're failure, because thisperson learned what they needed
to learn.
This person learned what theyneeded to learn.
If we believe in God andeverything, god already knew how
long they was going to betogether.
So everything we do is alreadyplanned out right, so we take
(14:03):
everything for the good.
At the end of the day, we'renot together, but what do we
create together?
Because on here on earth likethis, this is not our life.
This is not our life.
When we die, who hurts somebodyelse?
So, while when two people gottogether, created a union
(14:26):
probably bought a house,probably bought a car, probably
probably been in years together,probably learned things
together why was that a failure?
It's not a failure Just becausewe decided that we grew apart.
Well, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
That's just how like I was brought up to, because it
was just taught in, especiallylike from the old folks.
Y'all will know they say onceyou get married, you ain't no
divorce, you signed up life.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Once you sign up.
Like divorce is literallyfailure.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Like for the whole day.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
No, we're, we're just saying, that's where it come
from.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
That's what the old folks do say.
But what I can say is that,okay, so are you saying this
when people get divorced andthat's only because they grow
apart?
Is that what you're saying?
I disagree with that.
Why?
Because I believe people getdivorced because of different
(15:30):
circumstances that happen.
So we can't say that everydivorce is a thing of growing
apart because, for example, onedivorce could be like of an
abusive relationship, anotherdivorce could be cheating,
another divorce could be, youknow, on along those lines.
(15:52):
But abusive abuse and cheating.
I don't think that's growingapart.
I think that's more of adomestic type, not so much of
the negative aspect of it.
Are you saying excluding that?
You're saying as if things areleft on good terms.
(16:15):
But you're saying peopledivorce, but they're on good
terms.
That's what you're saying,right, nothing physical.
Okay, you know, it's just twopeople who just decided to go
their separate ways.
Okay, okay, I get what you'resaying.
Yeah, so I wouldn't say everymarriage, but two people just
(16:35):
grow apart and it's sad becauseI created a union.
But wherever it goes, theylearn something from the union
that they created.
Yeah, so we have to stop lookingat it, because people can be in
a marriage for years and betormented?
Yes, so why is it the fact thatthey can't leave?
(16:59):
Because somebody else told themtheir marriage is a failure if
they get a divorce?
Because, again, like Jaylinsaid, it goes back to the old
school from you taught from yourgrandparents and their
grandparents is that if you'rein a marriage, you have to,
(17:20):
regardless of how you feel yougot to work it out, and if you
don't work it out, that's mywhole thing.
Why should we look at it as afailure?
It's not a failure.
If I need to get out for myself,for my safety, I'm going to get
out.
That's why I think thisgeneration, our generation and
on down, we don't do that.
(17:40):
I think we, if you're unhappyand if we're, you know, if it's
failing, then we get out.
You know, that's where it is Alot of things of the older
things way of the thinking isnot not working out anymore,
where we're not following theold ways of thinking.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You know it's definitely true and I think a
lot of it from their generation.
Like, if we think about it,like back then, like my grandma
she got married, I want to sayshe was had to be at least 16
when she married my grandpa andthey're like still together all
(18:24):
these years.
But back then they married soyoung because it was almost like
a necessity thing.
Like girl, you have age, youbetter find you a husband that
can get you a job and take careof you.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Did you pray then?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Right Pretty much have kids, take care of the
house and do what you got to do.
Be there for your man.
Now, today it's like I don'tneed no man to do what for me, I
can do it for myself.
So like that's why ourgeneration is a little different
, because back then, like justlife in general, the culture of
everything was just so differentback then and now we have
(19:00):
access to so much more to do forthings on our own,
independently, as people and asa race too Like we have so much
more access to doing that forourselves that we really don't
need a partner for those samethings that they needed back
then.
So now it's like if you want adivorce, okay, bye, I'll find me
(19:21):
somebody else who will treat mejust as right.
But I learned a lot aboutmyself in the process.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So I got a question for you all.
So let's say you guys found outthat your friend, your friend,
is in a toxic relationship, andyou know they're in a toxic
relationship and you see it's abad toxic relationship, but they
(19:50):
refuse to admit it.
So what do you do, as thatfriend, to try and help them?
Or do you do anything, or doyou say anything, or do you sit
back?
What do you do in thatsituation?
I'm saying something every timeyou come around, not to be me
(20:16):
or anything like that, but tobring to your attention.
I'm not lying to you, it's true.
I mean, if you like, if you cantell me you like getting beat
on or whatever, then I ain'tgonna say nothing else, but I'm
not gonna let my friend be in atoxic relationship.
No, and I'm not saying nothing,I know it.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
No, I'm like that too .
I will say something.
I have like differentapproaches right.
So like only because I've beenthrough it, so I know at certain
things, like you'll tell peoplestuff and they ain't gonna hear
you anyways, so you just got tolove them, through the mess
(20:59):
that they're going through, bethere to support.
But when I see things and hearthings that you might tell me or
observe, I'm the first one topoint it out and we'll have a
conversation about it.
And, like you said, like if Iget the sense that they seem
like they like it and they okaywith it, I mean at that point
it's on you.
But I feel like as a friend tothis person, I would at least
(21:24):
want to tell them what I see andthen they can make their own
choice from there.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Right, yeah, I agree, I've been in a similar
situation where I've observed afriend in a toxic relationship
and it was a kind of badrelationship, but they, I guess
(21:57):
you can say they didn't want toreally hear that they were in
that type of relationship and Iwasn't the only one that said
something, and so, like, likeJess said, it's a thing of that,
you know, we kind of remindthem, but it's not an aggressive
type thing, because you don'twant to be too aggressive where
(22:18):
they just like you know what, ify'all, I don't want to talk to
y'all no more than they in theblocking because I did have that
happen before because it was alittle over pushy, but it's the
thing of you got to be subtlewith it and then when they
decide to get help, they're like, okay, now I want help and you
(22:42):
can go ahead and offer your help.
And if you can't personallyhelp them and I discussed this
actually my last live, which istwo days ago is that it's good
to have resources that can helppeople and you share those
resources, you know, and thatway they can get the help that
(23:06):
they need, so they can go aheadand escape from whatever they
are dealing with, you know.
So, yeah, that's, that's mything, that I had Jazz.
You look like you want to saysomething.
I am mothering oh, don't pop itin and out but I am, I'm being
(23:32):
a mom, okay, I got you.
So I think we kind of briefly,kind of touched on this.
But why would an individual wantto stay in a toxic relationship
?
Let's just go ahead and addressthat situation.
(23:52):
Why would somebody want to stayin it?
Why wouldn't they?
Misery Loves Company?
They rather be in a toxicrelationship than be by
themselves, because they scaredto deal with it.
So, jen, what you think?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
to.
A lot of people stay in toxicrelationships.
Number one because they don'tknow that they're in one.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
You think so?
Speaker 2 (24:22):
A lot of people.
I feel like, like you said,like we ignore the red flags, I
feel like a lot of people are ina toxic relationship and don't
know that they're in a toxicrelationship and that's why,
when you try to tell themcertain things, they give the
reaction that they get, becausethey're perfectly happy
(24:43):
sometimes or they just ignorethe red flags and they want to
stay in it.
But I say for, like othersituations, there's like a lot
of things, like, obviously,people that have like maybe they
have kids with this person,maybe they may stay in it
because you know they have a lotinvested or they have a lot to
(25:04):
lose in this situation, so theydon't want to get out of it,
because they have othercircumstances that it might be
better for them to stay in it.
I don't know, but I do thinkthere's a lot of reasons why
certain people may stay, but Ithink the big one is that a lot
(25:25):
of people don't know thatthey're in a toxic relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Jazz looked like he was going to rebuttal.
Go ahead, go ahead, I don'tcare, I listen, them kids will
be okay.
Them kids probably will behappier when you by yourself and
you don't have to deal with theyelling, the arguing, the
(25:53):
fighting, the police call it,all of that.
No, you take care of yourself.
And I'm only telling you y'allthis because I'm, you know, the
grow up, you know, but no, youdon't have to deal with that.
Life is so easy when you say no, you do not have to deal with
that.
Them kids are okay.
They want to see mommy anddaddy happy.
And if mommy and daddy have tobe a part for them kids to see
(26:17):
them happy, then that's justwhat it is.
No, no, no.
But to your point, some people,like Jaylin said, some people
may not see it that way.
So they see it again.
They're putting somebody elsein front of their selves.
Wait, wait wait when you gonnalove yourself enough to say I'm,
(26:41):
I'm worth it.
I don't care if he's gonna hurthis feelings.
I don't care if he's gonna hurtthe kids feelings, my mama
feelings, whoever feels this.
When are you gonna put yourfeelings first, like you know
what something may write.
Now, what if finances, though?
What if that's tied in together?
So, for instance, for instance,let's say y'all get a house
(27:08):
together or apartment together,something like that, both y'all
cosign the house or theapartment, whatever, and then
things get bad where it turnsinto a toxic relationship or
whatever.
And then, for instance, there'slike y'all can't stand one
(27:29):
another, I can't leave.
But if you leave it's joint,like together, you can have it,
you would say If it's worth mypeace, you can have all of that.
I don't want nothing tied to it.
You know how like okay.
So say you, in a toxicrelationship, y'all break up.
(27:51):
You go this way, your otherperson go that way, and then the
other person call you.
I think I left my charger overthere.
You can't go buy a $10 charger.
No, you just want to see me.
I want to throw everything away.
I don't want to have anythingelse to do with you.
Don't call me, don't text me.
We have nothing to talk about,no more, you can have it.
My credit.
Okay, that's fine, I'll fix itlater.
(28:14):
If I can get rid of you,seriously get rid of you, and
I'm seriously tired of you.
I don't want to have nothing todo with you.
That's if you're really tiredand you really want to get away.
But if we want to keep playingthis game, oh well, I need you
until no, because if I got to goand sit on somebody's couch for
(28:35):
a while until I get my moneytogether to get an apartment to
get away from you, that's justwhat I'm going to have to do.
I love myself too much to be ina house with somebody and go on
to sleep and we arguing and Idon't know what you got going on
and I really don't want to bethere.
How is that home?
That's horrible.
(28:55):
You are deserving my peace, sir.
I don't need you, yeah, yeah.
So what do you think will make aperson to say they have
completely just had enough, toyour point where they just
(29:16):
accepted like, ok, that's it,that that's it.
It could be anything, but itcould be the little, the
littlest things, just because Iwas in a relationship before and
I know these red flags, and I'min a relationship now and I see
it, I'm out by.
I'm not playing like I can't.
(29:37):
I can't play, I'm not going tolet you, I'm not going to let it
get to you hitting on mebecause I let myself down.
I can't blame him for hittingon me and I stayed there, which
I'm never.
I'm never saying anything iswrong.
I'm somebody should never puttheir hands on somebody else,
(29:58):
never.
But I can't sit and let you putyour hands on me.
If I can get away and I knowfor a simple fact, like I know,
this is not right I need toleave, I need to exit.
I'm not waiting on you to exit,I'm not waiting for you to come
(30:21):
back and tell me you left yoursocks, your T shirt, you left
your toothbrush.
I don't need that.
I don't want that.
If I'm seriously ready to leavethis toxic relationship, I'm
leaving everything.
You have it, I don't care.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
I think I mean it's off situation based, based on
you know, that relationship.
But for me there is a level oflike how she was saying, like
the personal how I was saying,like it's your personal
realization, like once you havethat awakening moment of
yourself, whatever that it couldbe, because I do feel like we
(31:01):
all have different thresholds asto what we could allow and when
we've had enough.
Like some people can take a lotand some people, like they're
ready to go off on the smallestthing.
So I feel like it depends.
But for me I'll say, now thatI've gone through the situations
(31:23):
that I've gone through, I am alot quicker now to nip things in
the bud when I see them sooner.
And I feel like a lot of it isyeah, you could like this person
, but being a lot more cautiousand aware in communication to
what they're saying, but notjust what they're saying, but
(31:45):
paying attention to what they'redoing.
And when you feel like whatthey're doing and what they're
saying is not lining up, then wehave to have a communication
and then, if the conversationdoesn't go anywhere, like I feel
, like once I bring it to yourattention, the energy that you
give back, let's me know ifyou're going to be toxic,
(32:08):
because if I can come to you, wecan have this conversation,
understand what's going on.
How can we work on it to makeit better for each other, then,
cool, this is a person that Ican see myself building
something with.
But if I bring it to yourattention and then you start
trying to use it to turn it onme and then start saying
(32:28):
negative things about me, or ifit ultimately, like, immediately
escalates into an argument andwe start getting loud and what
have you, then I know this is aproblem, because where are we
going to continue to go in thefuture if we can't even have a
small conversation about thisone thing?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Yeah, I'm born with a Godfriend that when I want him
to hear something and I may saysomething to him, I turn around
and I ask him what did I say?
When I say what do I say?
(33:10):
And he responds back to me.
I could tell if he was actuallylistening to me or if he just
was thinking of what I heard,what he heard.
So I will say, no, I didn't saythat.
This is what I said.
Now, like, what do you think Isaid?
And sometimes people don't evenknow that.
They're not listening.
And that's where the argumentcomes up from.
(33:32):
If I say, anthony, what did youhave for breakfast this morning
, you tell me what you have forbreakfast and then I turn around
and tell you something totallydifferent.
Why would I tell you thatthat's not what you had?
But I wasn't listening.
And all you asked me was asimple thing like what did you
have for breakfast?
That's all that was said.
But we don't listen.
(33:52):
Listening is key.
It is.
It's a relationship.
It's a relationship with oneaccused and listening
communication.
So got another question for youguys Can a relationship evolve
from being toxic to a healthyone once an individual, once
(34:17):
it's been identified, excuse me,and the issues have been
addressed.
You're saying Say it again.
I said can a relationshipevolve from being toxic to a
healthy once it's beenidentified and the issues have
been addressed?
Yes, because that person maynot have known that they were
(34:41):
toxic until somebody told them,and then it's just on them if
they're going to change.
Like what if they never, nobodyever told them and they didn't
know.
So yeah, it could be a healthyrelationship if both of them are
willing to grow.
You know, and they're tired ofthe stupid stuff.
(35:02):
I guess yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I would say too, like I never want to say anything is
impossible, because, of course,like if both parties take the
necessary steps to fix thebehavior or whatever it is, then
yeah.
But that's in the thing, likewith both parties defining what
(35:27):
do we need for me to know thatwe can get better from here,
because person A can say, yes, Ihave changed, but if person B
does not see any difference,then you're not getting anywhere
.
So I feel like in some peoplealso have this issue of being
(35:47):
accountable for their ownbehavior, even on the other
party who feels victimized,because they sometimes feel,
like, because they've taken onso much pain that they have done
nothing wrong in this situation, and I feel like it really
takes a lot for a person to growand understand themselves.
That's why I said, like whenyou have two people on two
(36:09):
different pages who don't fullyunderstand themselves yet,
that's where you get thetoxicity from, because somebody
still has some growing somewhereto do, because when it's coming
together it's always a clash.
So until you are accountable ofyour human, adult self, knowing
yourself in and out, knowingthe things that you do wrong,
(36:32):
knowing the things that you doright, like it's going to take
all of that realization untilthey be able to come together
and not be toxic anymore.
So I do feel like that's thework that a lot of people don't
want to do.
They'll just say that they havechanged, but they don't
actually change anything.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
They'll just say to change in order to stay in the
relationship, but then theyhaven't done anything.
They haven't done work tochange.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Correct, and then you just go through the same cycles
.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Let's see so.
Another question for y'all howdoes a person get out of a toxic
relationship?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Baby scream, fight, yell, claw, nail teeth.
Call your sister, your auntie,whatever you got to do, baby
call me.
Look y'all on Facebook live.
If you in a toxic relationshipand you need to get out, call me
.
I will DM you my number and I'mcoming.
(37:41):
What?
Speaker 1 (37:44):
do you think, anthony ?
What do I think?
I personally think, um, yes, ifyou need help to get out of a
toxic relationship, go to go toyour friends, go to somebody
that you, um, you feel like youcan, you can talk to and just be
(38:11):
like, hey, okay, I need help,like I don't know how to get out
of this.
Um, can you help me?
And this went back.
This goes back to what I saidearlier Can you help me?
And if, let's say, somebodycomes to me and they ask me if I
can help them, if I can't, I'vegot resources to where a
(38:32):
resource can help them get out.
And it's good to again shareresources with other people and
that way they can get out of adangerous situation, because if
you leave somebody in adangerous situation, that could
turn detrimental andcatastrophic.
(38:54):
So always, if, some if, and you,you just have to pay attention
to the signs.
You got paid attention to yourfriends, so you got to pay in,
and I said this, said this Acouple of nights ago you just
got to pay attention to yourfriends and how they are acting,
(39:18):
how they are acting, how theyare acting on social media, if
you, if you have a friend thatyou have not, that you talked to
in a regular, for instance.
And let's say, if you have afriend or whatever, check on
that friend making sure they'reokay.
But if you have a friend, youknow that y'all don't talk to in
(39:40):
a regular but y'all still are,like title, whatever.
But they post stuff on socialmedia and if you see something
is off, check on that friend.
You know I'm saying always lookat signs and clues to make sure
your people are okay, becausethis, this world, is crazy and
you just don't know.
You know, and if you have, ifyou, if you can be that beacon
(40:04):
of help to help somebody, youhelp them.
You know, you do what you gotto do to help them.
And if that means also to callthe police, if you in another
state, then you got to do whatyou got to do.
And if you don't care, if thatfriend says, no, I don't need
help, whatever.
(40:25):
But if you know something'sabout to go down, then you got
to do what you got to do to saythat friend, because that friend
may tell you know, but thennext thing you know they on the
nine o'clock news, whatever theygone, and you don't have the
guilty of subconscious, knowingthat you could have saved that
friend had you a picked up theirphone and be like hey, I think
(40:46):
something is going on with x, yand v.
I need some somebody to get outthere.
Mind you, your friend probablymad at you how you say they like
I forgive you, but then they'regonna be like, thank you, I'm
mad at you, but thank you,that's my, that's mine.
(41:10):
I think you should just run,just get away.
But even if you have to figureit out later, like I'd rather be
alive, I figured out.
Speaker 2 (41:26):
I'm gonna add to to what you were saying, anthony.
Like you were saying, like thebiggest thing I was being silly
earlier with my response, buthonestly, like having gone
through that, I will say thebiggest way to get out of it For
anybody who's like might begoing through that right now
that may be listening to thispodcast like you have to love
(41:46):
yourself and you have toprioritize yourself and put
yourself first, because so manytimes when you're choosing to
stay in these situations, you'reconstantly either suppressing
your own feelings or suppressingquestions in your mind that you
already know the answer to, butlike you're continuing to take
(42:08):
on the pain and swallow itbecause you feel like you can't
get out or this person is thebest person for you, or what
have you?
Just know that you don't deservethat and you deserve so much
more in this life and in thissituation.
It may seem like it's like justdetrimental, because I was
(42:29):
there, like I literally feltlike there was no other option
and there was no way out, and Ican tell you that there's life
at the end of the tunnel if youchoose yourself, but you have
the power within you to do it.
You just have to wake up andmake it happen.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
And I think it goes back to what we said earlier is
that you have to have thatacceptance of that.
You know what?
I'm finally choosing me.
I'm finally choosing me and I'msaying, hey, I'm not taking any
more BS.
So this is it.
(43:11):
So I have.
Well, that is it.
Any final final thoughts fromyou guys?
I'm the best listening outthere as far as on a mental
(43:42):
health point of view, because Iknow with toxic toxicity that
can cause depression and anxiety, because some people may feel
depressed in a certain situationbecause of that relationship
(44:06):
and again, you know they arejust struggling, trying to get
out.
So any final words ofencouragement for people.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
Like, yes, final words, gravitate towards things
that you love, Because so oftenin toxic relationships people
get withdrawn either from familymembers or, you know, they
slowly like stop hanging aroundtheir old friends or stop doing
things that they used to dobecause now they're so into this
(44:40):
person.
And I would say, like, justgravitate towards things that
you enjoy doing, things thatbring you happiness, and
hopefully, within the process ofdoing that and choosing to,
like, put yourself first.
Then you'll start to see likethere's so much more out there
for you to tap into and so muchmore for you to do.
(45:00):
And this relationship, trust me, is not the end, because if it
was meant to be, it would not bethat toxic and it would not be
bringing you that much harm.
Like she said, like, choosepeace at all costs and if it's
robbing you of your peace, baby,you don't need it, let it go,
drop it.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
No, I have it in my head and it went away like that.
But far as anybody in arelationship get out, like if
you have nobody to talk to talkto God, I'm telling you, if it's
plenty of time, I've been inthe shower with the Lord.
(45:49):
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to get it today,because I ain't got it today.
I need you to handle this.
I will give it up to him in aminute and once you give it up
to him, you can't think about itever again.
You have to let it go.
Let it go into God.
If anything is too strong foryou, give it to God.
Don't run to your friend or runto your neighbor, your mom,
your dad.
Let it go, and let it go and behappy and enjoy life, because
(46:14):
it might be one day that youdon't wake up to that toxic
relationship.
So, yeah, that's it.
Just give it a go, all right?
Well, thank you guys for comingon.
I think this is a really gooddiscussion and this will be
(46:38):
released on my podcast, whereit'll be edited and everything
like that.
So it'll be released on mypodcast and this will be
released on my podcast sites aswell, as it will be released on
the YouTube, so you'll get tosee the video version as well as
the audio version.
This will, of course, stay onmy Facebook page as well.
(47:00):
So again, thank you guys forcoming on.
Y'all were awesome.
Thanks, good conversation.
I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for the conversation.
So again, guys, make sure y'allcheck out, check me out, state
of the podcast.
Make sure you all subscribe toall of my platforms.
(47:25):
I can find me on iTunes, amazonmusic, pandora, spotify, I
heart, google, podcast, pot,being, etc.
Go ahead and you said what'syour ID that people can find you
(47:46):
on.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
Oh, yes, you can find me at King JJ Y Chris.
Speaker 1 (47:54):
And then miss Jay, hi miss J Grace, hi miss J Grace.
So Instagram is at J dot grace,underscore here, underscore
(48:16):
studio.
Facebook is J Grace hair studio.
Also Jasmine Grayson forshorter.
If you need that, yes, go.
Saucy dot com.
Best last J Grace hair studio.
All right, well, on that note,guys, thank you all for the
support and this will be my lastFacebook live for this month.
(48:44):
I believe I may have anotherone.
I'm not sure yet, but if not,this is the last one.
Make sure you guys take care ofyourselves mentally for this
mental health awareness month,unplugged, unplugged.
I know a lot of things aregoing on in this world right now
(49:07):
, especially with the shootingsand everything that's taking
place, but if you can't handleit mentally unplugged, I tell
people all the time just get offof social media for a good week
, a good week.
Get out and turn off the phone,get turn off the, the, the news
(49:32):
, stop watching news for, forinstance.
Just get outside and enjoy.
Like a lot of people, I thinkthey we have gone, grown
accustomed to just being onsocial media All the time that
we forget to actually just to gooutside and the sun to soak in
(49:55):
our skin.
You know, we just run aroundand, you know, take walks in the
parks and honest stuff, or youknow you do your various sports
activities and whatnot.
You know you can do thatbecause we're so consumed of
being on the phone, like you'reconstantly on your phone, why
(50:16):
don't you?
I think, watch, I'll do thiswhy don't you not?
I challenge people to do thiswhy don't you just see how long
you can go without actuallypicking up your phone and
looking at it, just to see howyou, how, how long you can do
that.
(50:36):
I think it's a great homework.
What time is it up?
Let me give my phone and look.
Okay, outside of picking up,outside of looking at the time,
social media, social media seehow long you can go without
going on social media andanswering, like maybe emergency
texts and stuff like that.
But just see how long you cando that and for track, how many
(51:00):
times you do it, because I'msure a lot of people you don't
even know subconsciously you'redoing it Like, like literally,
you don't know like you could beat work and obviously then you
just picking up your phone, justlooking at it, or you just in
you in the car just picking up,looking at it when my phone dies
(51:23):
.
That's the most that I pickedup.
I know my phone is dead, but Ikeep trying to look at it and
I'm like why am I keep thinkingabout?
Speaker 2 (51:31):
it.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Like it's like.
I think we as a society wereally need to get back out
there and and start actuallyenjoying like the outside and
enjoying like regular activities, like we used to do back when
we were younger, you know before.
Like go outside all day, getlocked out the house.
(51:56):
Like go outside and go playyeah.
Like you walk up the street tothe salvation army Kids can't do
that now.
No, walk to the store.
You remember, you remember whenI used to go to your grandma
(52:18):
house and we used to walk up tothe, that neighbor that sold the
, the candy lady, yeah, yeah,but people, obviously people
can't do that now because timesare different, Because you and
it going to somebody's house andhave been shot.
But like that, that's a realthing.
(52:39):
But you can.
You can go to parks, familyoutings.
There's a lot of things thatfamilies can do as far as
outings and stuff like that.
So I just challenge everybodyto just try and in the plug as
much as you can.
That way I think your mentalhealth will start to Start
(53:06):
become a better, more positiveperson.
You won't be so engrossed withyou, won't with the news, won't
be so depressed all the time,you know.
I mean the world is depressing.
You don't have to be depressedwith the world, you know.
But that's my soapbox.
But thanks, guys, and I willsee you guys later again.
(53:34):
These audits episodes will bereleased within this month, and
next couple days I will releasehow to turn purpose in the pain,
or how to turn pain in thepurpose, sorry, and then my
other episodes after that.
So far they're doing.
I'm out Bye now.
"'Eva Glory' by Gordon Matthews.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I mean, it's many different answers, though, and
that's the thing, like it's notjust one answer, because
everybody is different and whatmay be toxic to one person may
not be toxic to the next person,so it really is just about
experience.
For me, I would say, like, whatmakes the relationship toxic,
from what I've seen, is likesometimes, when you just have
(01:18):
two people that's on two totallydifferent pages and not, for
whatever reason, being able tolike effectively communicate
where they are and what theywant and where they see
themselves going, because if youhave a breakdown from that and
you don't really understand that, like what are you building on?
(01:40):
And that's where the wholefoundation starts to get toxic,
because you have somebody whodoesn't really understand
themselves yet or what theyreally want, and then this other
person that's over here liketrying to invest so much because
they really like this otherperson, and then they end up
getting hurt in the process ofjust like not being able to get
(02:03):
on the same page.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Okay, Jel, let me thank you.
I feel like you cannot disturbmy peace.
I will not have it, I will nottolerate it.
I feel like when you get to acertain age, if you're not
thinking about certain things,you don't have to have it
(02:26):
perfectly wrote down, all thatyou don't.
But if you don't have certainthings and goals in your life,
like, why even try?
You know like that's a red flag.
Red flag, but I'm not sayingthat any relationship, any
relationship is perfect.
You're going to have arguments,but how are we going to get
(02:48):
through this argument?
So we don't argue.
Can we sit down, have aconversation, a decent
conversation, with one another?
Like we shouldn't be having anyextra drama that life already
doesn't bring.
You know like, yeah, don'tdisturb my peace, that's got you
(03:10):
, I got you.
So how do you know if you arein a toxic relationship?
I know when I'm in a toxicrelationship.
If it's more of me giving thanreceiving, okay, like I'm not
(03:35):
saying that you have to havesomething, but if we're in two
people and we're in arelationship, we have to be
halfway, at least halfway.
Sometimes one might do 80, theother might do 20 or whatever.
It might get like thatsometimes, but in the beginning.
You should be able to meet mehalfway, we should be able to
(03:57):
talk, we should be able todisagree.
And if we disagree, like, howare we going to solve this?
What are our goals, our plans,our dreams, what is it?
If you have none of that, thenwhat are we going to do?
We're not going to do nothing.
Sorry, jalen, what you thinking?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I'm thinking, what makes me think that I'm in a
toxic relationship?
I guess I would say kind ofsimilar in the sense of, if it's
anything that is like I'm allabout balance, I can feel like
energy.
And when it shifts, when it'smoving, and anytime I feel like
(04:51):
kind of like how she said, likeI'm giving out more than I'm
getting back, is when I start tofeel like, okay, something is
not right More.
But even in like a toxicsituation, like there's so many
different flags, especially likewhat's toxic, like is the other
person controlling?
(05:11):
Like that's toxic.
Are there certain behaviors thatyou look for?
Or is it like in communication,when she's saying, like we
should be able to sit down andhave a conversation?
Well, when you try to have aconversation, is it like, do you
walk out of it understandingeach other a little more?
Or does it every time we try totalk about something, does it
(05:33):
resort to an argument?
Does it get physical?
Like that's where I say wherethe toxic line comes in.
It's all about, like I guess,just the behaviors of it all,
and the communication is kind ofwhere you start to see where it
becomes toxic.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Okay, I have a question.
Okay, talking about toxicrelationships, when do you
notice that it's a toxicrelationship?
Do you notice after the personstart putting their hands on you
?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Oh, you have to be directly.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
No, I'm just saying because I came in on the tail
end, so is it?
It's red flags, up to that.
When do you choose to payattention to those red flags?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
So is it the red flag .
And if that red flag getknocked down, oh, I got this far
, let me push it.
Oh, here she, let me go thatfar, I'm gonna push it again.
Oh, okay.
So now I'm gonna start puttingmy hands on you, but it was five
red flags before you even gotto that and you never said
(06:47):
anything.
So when is it as a toxicrelationship?
When is it?
Do we say, okay, I love myself,but I love myself more to say
no, I'm not gonna let it get tothat level?
I think it's.
It goes back to your actuallygoes back to your mindset for
(07:09):
real, and I mean that to thefact of it's going back to the
basis of your pain that you'rereliving.
So if, if you are wanting to beaccepted so bad by that person
that you're in a relationshipwith and you are tolerating the
(07:34):
tox, the tox, toxicity, toxicity, that much because you're
wanting to stay in thatrelationship, but you know it's
wrong, but you see the red flags, I think that is, you know
(07:57):
that's within that area, and itgoes back to you know again the
past.
That's what I think Okay.
But if you say, say, forinstance, you're in a
relationship, well, I'm in arelationship.
I'm in a relationship with aguy and you know I'm doing great
(08:20):
here, business wise, this, thenthe third, and then I realized
how great I was doing before theguy.
The guy comes in all of asudden I don't see the red flags
and everything starts to do ina little way because I'm in a
toxic relationship, worriedabout somebody else.
So I know how I was before Igot into the relationship.
(08:43):
I know how it felt to be me, tobe happy.
All this I'm not saying this isme in real life.
I'm just.
I know how it was when I was onmy high and then I got with
this person and I could seemyself going down Like I'm not
doing things that I used to do,my business isn't going the way
(09:04):
I wanted to go, my life isn'tgoing the way I wanted to go,
but I got somebody else knowingin my ear and I think it just
goes back to the fact thatyou're just choosing to accept
it.
So okay.
So when we don't pay attentionto the red flags in the toxic
relationship, you're saying thatthey chose to accept it.
(09:24):
They chose to accept it becausethey feel like and this is my
opinion they feel like thatwithin that relation, that toxic
relationship that you knowthey've been hurt before and
this is the only relationshipthat it's going to work out and
(09:46):
so, but they know the red, theyknow the red flags, they see the
red flags, but this is the onlyrelationship that they can see.
They can't see anything else.
I'm just saying they can't seeanything else.
So they see, I can't, I can'tunderstand how you work so hard
for something like you know thetime that you put in everything,
(10:06):
like the years, to get whereyou want to be in life, and then
you let somebody come in andtake that from you, like when do
you stop?
When do you say I can't do thisanymore, you are hurting me.
When do we stop?
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I think and I can say this from experience, right,
because I've been in thatsituation and I was that person
who had to make that decisionand I'll say, for me it comes
from a place of like, when youhave that self awakening or that
self realization that you don'treally need this person and
(10:49):
that you are going to be okay byyourself.
And I think, for me, Ipersonally allowed myself to
stay in that situation somewhatout of fear of what they would
do to me, because this personwas like very violent,
physically and verbally, likethreatening and things like that
(11:10):
.
So like there was an element oflike survival, of, oh my gosh,
like if I do one thing wrong orthis person just saw and I'll be
out of here.
So I think it stayed for awhile out of that like fear for
my life, like for as long as Icould cling to it.
But I do think, over time, likethere was this overwhelming
(11:32):
feeling of just unhappiness andit was like a guttural like
feeling that I had in thatmoment of I know now that I have
to choose either you or me inthis situation, like I literally
had this moment and I knew thatin that moment I had to choose
myself and by any meansnecessary it did whatever I had
(11:57):
to do to get myself out of it.
Not everybody is in thatsituation, can do that, because
everybody's situation isdifferent, but I'll just say
that was it.
For me is when I had thatmoment of like self realization
and self awakening, is when Ifinally slapped myself and said
how long are you going tocontinue to take this?
(12:17):
Because you don't Hmm.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
That, that, that voice that's in us, that voice
was in you the whole time.
It was those voice, those werethose red flags.
You knew it, you seen it, itwas in your face and you still
decide to walk right over there.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
It's true.
I mean especially in thebeginning because, like I guess,
for me in my experiences, likethrough childhood, so like my
parents were divorced when I wastwo and like all of my dad's
other, like brothers and stuff,they all have divorces so it's
like a thing in my family.
(12:59):
So I always told myself, likewhen I was an adult, I don't
want to repeat those same cyclesof them having failed
relationships.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Okay, no question no, go ahead why do you think those
relations, why do you thinkthose relationships were failed?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
I don't really know like all of the stories, Like I
only know like bits and piecesof, like my parents or whatever.
But I just know like for them Iguess they were on two
different pages of where theywanted to go within their
marriage and they didn't agreeon that.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
So it was kind of like why do you think it was a
failure, though?
For them just because two peoplesplit, that doesn't mean that
they're failure, because thisperson learned what they needed
to learn.
This person learned what theyneeded to learn.
If we believe in God andeverything, god already knew how
long they was going to betogether.
So everything we do is alreadyplanned out right, so we take
(14:03):
everything for the good.
At the end of the day, we'renot together, but what do we
create together?
Because on here on earth likethis, this is not our life.
This is not our life.
When we die, who hurts somebodyelse?
So, while when two people gottogether, created a union
(14:26):
probably bought a house,probably bought a car, probably
probably been in years together,probably learned things
together why was that a failure?
It's not a failure Just becausewe decided that we grew apart.
Well, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
That's just how like I was brought up to, because it
was just taught in, especiallylike from the old folks.
Y'all will know they say onceyou get married, you ain't no
divorce, you signed up life.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Once you sign up.
Like divorce is literallyfailure.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Like for the whole day.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
No, we're, we're just saying, that's where it come
from.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
That's what the old folks do say.
But what I can say is that,okay, so are you saying this
when people get divorced andthat's only because they grow
apart?
Is that what you're saying?
I disagree with that.
Why?
Because I believe people getdivorced because of different
(15:30):
circumstances that happen.
So we can't say that everydivorce is a thing of growing
apart because, for example, onedivorce could be like of an
abusive relationship, anotherdivorce could be cheating,
another divorce could be, youknow, on along those lines.
(15:52):
But abusive abuse and cheating.
I don't think that's growingapart.
I think that's more of adomestic type, not so much of
the negative aspect of it.
Are you saying excluding that?
You're saying as if things areleft on good terms.
(16:15):
But you're saying peopledivorce, but they're on good
terms.
That's what you're saying,right, nothing physical.
Okay, you know, it's just twopeople who just decided to go
their separate ways.
Okay, okay, I get what you'resaying.
Yeah, so I wouldn't say everymarriage, but two people just
(16:35):
grow apart and it's sad becauseI created a union.
But wherever it goes, theylearn something from the union
that they created.
Yeah, so we have to stop lookingat it, because people can be in
a marriage for years and betormented?
Yes, so why is it the fact thatthey can't leave?
(16:59):
Because somebody else told themtheir marriage is a failure if
they get a divorce?
Because, again, like Jaylinsaid, it goes back to the old
school from you taught from yourgrandparents and their
grandparents is that if you'rein a marriage, you have to,
(17:20):
regardless of how you feel yougot to work it out, and if you
don't work it out, that's mywhole thing.
Why should we look at it as afailure?
It's not a failure.
If I need to get out for myself,for my safety, I'm going to get
out.
That's why I think thisgeneration, our generation and
on down, we don't do that.
(17:40):
I think we, if you're unhappyand if we're, you know, if it's
failing, then we get out.
You know, that's where it is Alot of things of the older
things way of the thinking isnot not working out anymore,
where we're not following theold ways of thinking.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
You know it's definitely true and I think a
lot of it from their generation.
Like, if we think about it,like back then, like my grandma
she got married, I want to sayshe was had to be at least 16
when she married my grandpa andthey're like still together all
(18:24):
these years.
But back then they married soyoung because it was almost like
a necessity thing.
Like girl, you have age, youbetter find you a husband that
can get you a job and take careof you.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Did you pray then?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Right Pretty much have kids, take care of the
house and do what you got to do.
Be there for your man.
Now, today it's like I don'tneed no man to do what for me, I
can do it for myself.
So like that's why ourgeneration is a little different
, because back then, like justlife in general, the culture of
everything was just so differentback then and now we have
(19:00):
access to so much more to do forthings on our own,
independently, as people and asa race too Like we have so much
more access to doing that forourselves that we really don't
need a partner for those samethings that they needed back
then.
So now it's like if you want adivorce, okay, bye, I'll find me
(19:21):
somebody else who will treat mejust as right.
But I learned a lot aboutmyself in the process.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So I got a question for you all.
So let's say you guys found outthat your friend, your friend,
is in a toxic relationship, andyou know they're in a toxic
relationship and you see it's abad toxic relationship, but they
(19:50):
refuse to admit it.
So what do you do, as thatfriend, to try and help them?
Or do you do anything, or doyou say anything, or do you sit
back?
What do you do in thatsituation?
I'm saying something every timeyou come around, not to be me
(20:16):
or anything like that, but tobring to your attention.
I'm not lying to you, it's true.
I mean, if you like, if you cantell me you like getting beat
on or whatever, then I ain'tgonna say nothing else, but I'm
not gonna let my friend be in atoxic relationship.
No, and I'm not saying nothing,I know it.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
No, I'm like that too .
I will say something.
I have like differentapproaches right.
So like only because I've beenthrough it, so I know at certain
things, like you'll tell peoplestuff and they ain't gonna hear
you anyways, so you just got tolove them, through the mess
(20:59):
that they're going through, bethere to support.
But when I see things and hearthings that you might tell me or
observe, I'm the first one topoint it out and we'll have a
conversation about it.
And, like you said, like if Iget the sense that they seem
like they like it and they okaywith it, I mean at that point
it's on you.
But I feel like as a friend tothis person, I would at least
(21:24):
want to tell them what I see andthen they can make their own
choice from there.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Right, yeah, I agree, I've been in a similar
situation where I've observed afriend in a toxic relationship
and it was a kind of badrelationship, but they, I guess
(21:57):
you can say they didn't want toreally hear that they were in
that type of relationship and Iwasn't the only one that said
something, and so, like, likeJess said, it's a thing of that,
you know, we kind of remindthem, but it's not an aggressive
type thing, because you don'twant to be too aggressive where
(22:18):
they just like you know what, ify'all, I don't want to talk to
y'all no more than they in theblocking because I did have that
happen before because it was alittle over pushy, but it's the
thing of you got to be subtlewith it and then when they
decide to get help, they're like, okay, now I want help and you
(22:42):
can go ahead and offer your help.
And if you can't personallyhelp them and I discussed this
actually my last live, which istwo days ago is that it's good
to have resources that can helppeople and you share those
resources, you know, and thatway they can get the help that
(23:06):
they need, so they can go aheadand escape from whatever they
are dealing with, you know.
So, yeah, that's, that's mything, that I had Jazz.
You look like you want to saysomething.
I am mothering oh, don't pop itin and out but I am, I'm being
(23:32):
a mom, okay, I got you.
So I think we kind of briefly,kind of touched on this.
But why would an individual wantto stay in a toxic relationship
?
Let's just go ahead and addressthat situation.
(23:52):
Why would somebody want to stayin it?
Why wouldn't they?
Misery Loves Company?
They rather be in a toxicrelationship than be by
themselves, because they scaredto deal with it.
So, jen, what you think?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
to.
A lot of people stay in toxicrelationships.
Number one because they don'tknow that they're in one.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
You think so?
Speaker 2 (24:22):
A lot of people.
I feel like, like you said,like we ignore the red flags, I
feel like a lot of people are ina toxic relationship and don't
know that they're in a toxicrelationship and that's why,
when you try to tell themcertain things, they give the
reaction that they get, becausethey're perfectly happy
(24:43):
sometimes or they just ignorethe red flags and they want to
stay in it.
But I say for, like othersituations, there's like a lot
of things, like, obviously,people that have like maybe they
have kids with this person,maybe they may stay in it
because you know they have a lotinvested or they have a lot to
(25:04):
lose in this situation, so theydon't want to get out of it,
because they have othercircumstances that it might be
better for them to stay in it.
I don't know, but I do thinkthere's a lot of reasons why
certain people may stay, but Ithink the big one is that a lot
(25:25):
of people don't know thatthey're in a toxic relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Jazz looked like he was going to rebuttal.
Go ahead, go ahead, I don'tcare, I listen, them kids will
be okay.
Them kids probably will behappier when you by yourself and
you don't have to deal with theyelling, the arguing, the
(25:53):
fighting, the police call it,all of that.
No, you take care of yourself.
And I'm only telling you y'allthis because I'm, you know, the
grow up, you know, but no, youdon't have to deal with that.
Life is so easy when you say no, you do not have to deal with
that.
Them kids are okay.
They want to see mommy anddaddy happy.
And if mommy and daddy have tobe a part for them kids to see
(26:17):
them happy, then that's justwhat it is.
No, no, no.
But to your point, some people,like Jaylin said, some people
may not see it that way.
So they see it again.
They're putting somebody elsein front of their selves.
Wait, wait wait when you gonnalove yourself enough to say I'm,
(26:41):
I'm worth it.
I don't care if he's gonna hurthis feelings.
I don't care if he's gonna hurtthe kids feelings, my mama
feelings, whoever feels this.
When are you gonna put yourfeelings first, like you know
what something may write.
Now, what if finances, though?
What if that's tied in together?
So, for instance, for instance,let's say y'all get a house
(27:08):
together or apartment together,something like that, both y'all
cosign the house or theapartment, whatever, and then
things get bad where it turnsinto a toxic relationship or
whatever.
And then, for instance, there'slike y'all can't stand one
(27:29):
another, I can't leave.
But if you leave it's joint,like together, you can have it,
you would say If it's worth mypeace, you can have all of that.
I don't want nothing tied to it.
You know how like okay.
So say you, in a toxicrelationship, y'all break up.
(27:51):
You go this way, your otherperson go that way, and then the
other person call you.
I think I left my charger overthere.
You can't go buy a $10 charger.
No, you just want to see me.
I want to throw everything away.
I don't want to have anythingelse to do with you.
Don't call me, don't text me.
We have nothing to talk about,no more, you can have it.
My credit.
Okay, that's fine, I'll fix itlater.
(28:14):
If I can get rid of you,seriously get rid of you, and
I'm seriously tired of you.
I don't want to have nothing todo with you.
That's if you're really tiredand you really want to get away.
But if we want to keep playingthis game, oh well, I need you
until no, because if I got to goand sit on somebody's couch for
(28:35):
a while until I get my moneytogether to get an apartment to
get away from you, that's justwhat I'm going to have to do.
I love myself too much to be ina house with somebody and go on
to sleep and we arguing and Idon't know what you got going on
and I really don't want to bethere.
How is that home?
That's horrible.
(28:55):
You are deserving my peace, sir.
I don't need you, yeah, yeah.
So what do you think will make aperson to say they have
completely just had enough, toyour point where they just
(29:16):
accepted like, ok, that's it,that that's it.
It could be anything, but itcould be the little, the
littlest things, just because Iwas in a relationship before and
I know these red flags, and I'min a relationship now and I see
it, I'm out by.
I'm not playing like I can't.
(29:37):
I can't play, I'm not going tolet you, I'm not going to let it
get to you hitting on mebecause I let myself down.
I can't blame him for hittingon me and I stayed there, which
I'm never.
I'm never saying anything iswrong.
I'm somebody should never puttheir hands on somebody else,
(29:58):
never.
But I can't sit and let you putyour hands on me.
If I can get away and I knowfor a simple fact, like I know,
this is not right I need toleave, I need to exit.
I'm not waiting on you to exit,I'm not waiting for you to come
(30:21):
back and tell me you left yoursocks, your T shirt, you left
your toothbrush.
I don't need that.
I don't want that.
If I'm seriously ready to leavethis toxic relationship, I'm
leaving everything.
You have it, I don't care.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
I think I mean it's off situation based, based on
you know, that relationship.
But for me there is a level oflike how she was saying, like
the personal how I was saying,like it's your personal
realization, like once you havethat awakening moment of
yourself, whatever that it couldbe, because I do feel like we
(31:01):
all have different thresholds asto what we could allow and when
we've had enough.
Like some people can take a lotand some people, like they're
ready to go off on the smallestthing.
So I feel like it depends.
But for me I'll say, now thatI've gone through the situations
(31:23):
that I've gone through, I am alot quicker now to nip things in
the bud when I see them sooner.
And I feel like a lot of it isyeah, you could like this person
, but being a lot more cautiousand aware in communication to
what they're saying, but notjust what they're saying, but
(31:45):
paying attention to what they'redoing.
And when you feel like whatthey're doing and what they're
saying is not lining up, then wehave to have a communication
and then, if the conversationdoesn't go anywhere, like I feel
, like once I bring it to yourattention, the energy that you
give back, let's me know ifyou're going to be toxic,
(32:08):
because if I can come to you, wecan have this conversation,
understand what's going on.
How can we work on it to makeit better for each other, then,
cool, this is a person that Ican see myself building
something with.
But if I bring it to yourattention and then you start
trying to use it to turn it onme and then start saying
(32:28):
negative things about me, or ifit ultimately, like, immediately
escalates into an argument andwe start getting loud and what
have you, then I know this is aproblem, because where are we
going to continue to go in thefuture if we can't even have a
small conversation about thisone thing?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
Yeah, I'm born with a Godfriend that when I want him
to hear something and I may saysomething to him, I turn around
and I ask him what did I say?
When I say what do I say?
(33:10):
And he responds back to me.
I could tell if he was actuallylistening to me or if he just
was thinking of what I heard,what he heard.
So I will say, no, I didn't saythat.
This is what I said.
Now, like, what do you think Isaid?
And sometimes people don't evenknow that.
They're not listening.
And that's where the argumentcomes up from.
(33:32):
If I say, anthony, what did youhave for breakfast this morning
, you tell me what you have forbreakfast and then I turn around
and tell you something totallydifferent.
Why would I tell you thatthat's not what you had?
But I wasn't listening.
And all you asked me was asimple thing like what did you
have for breakfast?
That's all that was said.
But we don't listen.
(33:52):
Listening is key.
It is.
It's a relationship.
It's a relationship with oneaccused and listening
communication.
So got another question for youguys Can a relationship evolve
from being toxic to a healthyone once an individual, once
(34:17):
it's been identified, excuse me,and the issues have been
addressed.
You're saying Say it again.
I said can a relationshipevolve from being toxic to a
healthy once it's beenidentified and the issues have
been addressed?
Yes, because that person maynot have known that they were
(34:41):
toxic until somebody told them,and then it's just on them if
they're going to change.
Like what if they never, nobodyever told them and they didn't
know.
So yeah, it could be a healthyrelationship if both of them are
willing to grow.
You know, and they're tired ofthe stupid stuff.
(35:02):
I guess yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I would say too, like I never want to say anything is
impossible, because, of course,like if both parties take the
necessary steps to fix thebehavior or whatever it is, then
yeah.
But that's in the thing, likewith both parties defining what
(35:27):
do we need for me to know thatwe can get better from here,
because person A can say, yes, Ihave changed, but if person B
does not see any difference,then you're not getting anywhere
.
So I feel like in some peoplealso have this issue of being
(35:47):
accountable for their ownbehavior, even on the other
party who feels victimized,because they sometimes feel,
like, because they've taken onso much pain that they have done
nothing wrong in this situation, and I feel like it really
takes a lot for a person to growand understand themselves.
That's why I said, like whenyou have two people on two
(36:09):
different pages who don't fullyunderstand themselves yet,
that's where you get thetoxicity from, because somebody
still has some growing somewhereto do, because when it's coming
together it's always a clash.
So until you are accountable ofyour human, adult self, knowing
yourself in and out, knowingthe things that you do wrong,
(36:32):
knowing the things that you doright, like it's going to take
all of that realization untilthey be able to come together
and not be toxic anymore.
So I do feel like that's thework that a lot of people don't
want to do.
They'll just say that they havechanged, but they don't
actually change anything.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
They'll just say to change in order to stay in the
relationship, but then theyhaven't done anything.
They haven't done work tochange.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Correct, and then you just go through the same cycles
.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
Let's see so.
Another question for y'all howdoes a person get out of a toxic
relationship?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Baby scream, fight, yell, claw, nail teeth.
Call your sister, your auntie,whatever you got to do, baby
call me.
Look y'all on Facebook live.
If you in a toxic relationshipand you need to get out, call me
.
I will DM you my number and I'mcoming.
(37:41):
What?
Speaker 1 (37:44):
do you think, anthony ?
What do I think?
I personally think, um, yes, ifyou need help to get out of a
toxic relationship, go to go toyour friends, go to somebody
that you, um, you feel like youcan, you can talk to and just be
(38:11):
like, hey, okay, I need help,like I don't know how to get out
of this.
Um, can you help me?
And this went back.
This goes back to what I saidearlier Can you help me?
And if, let's say, somebodycomes to me and they ask me if I
can help them, if I can't, I'vegot resources to where a
(38:32):
resource can help them get out.
And it's good to again shareresources with other people and
that way they can get out of adangerous situation, because if
you leave somebody in adangerous situation, that could
turn detrimental andcatastrophic.
(38:54):
So always, if, some if, and you,you just have to pay attention
to the signs.
You got paid attention to yourfriends, so you got to pay in,
and I said this, said this Acouple of nights ago you just
got to pay attention to yourfriends and how they are acting,
(39:18):
how they are acting, how theyare acting on social media, if
you, if you have a friend thatyou have not, that you talked to
in a regular, for instance.
And let's say, if you have afriend or whatever, check on
that friend making sure they'reokay.
But if you have a friend, youknow that y'all don't talk to in
(39:40):
a regular but y'all still are,like title, whatever.
But they post stuff on socialmedia and if you see something
is off, check on that friend.
You know I'm saying always lookat signs and clues to make sure
your people are okay, becausethis, this world, is crazy and
you just don't know.
You know, and if you have, ifyou, if you can be that beacon
(40:04):
of help to help somebody, youhelp them.
You know, you do what you gotto do to help them.
And if that means also to callthe police, if you in another
state, then you got to do whatyou got to do.
And if you don't care, if thatfriend says, no, I don't need
help, whatever.
(40:25):
But if you know something'sabout to go down, then you got
to do what you got to do to saythat friend, because that friend
may tell you know, but thennext thing you know they on the
nine o'clock news, whatever theygone, and you don't have the
guilty of subconscious, knowingthat you could have saved that
friend had you a picked up theirphone and be like hey, I think
(40:46):
something is going on with x, yand v.
I need some somebody to get outthere.
Mind you, your friend probablymad at you how you say they like
I forgive you, but then they'regonna be like, thank you, I'm
mad at you, but thank you,that's my, that's mine.
(41:10):
I think you should just run,just get away.
But even if you have to figureit out later, like I'd rather be
alive, I figured out.
Speaker 2 (41:26):
I'm gonna add to to what you were saying, anthony.
Like you were saying, like thebiggest thing I was being silly
earlier with my response, buthonestly, like having gone
through that, I will say thebiggest way to get out of it For
anybody who's like might begoing through that right now
that may be listening to thispodcast like you have to love
(41:46):
yourself and you have toprioritize yourself and put
yourself first, because so manytimes when you're choosing to
stay in these situations, you'reconstantly either suppressing
your own feelings or suppressingquestions in your mind that you
already know the answer to, butlike you're continuing to take
(42:08):
on the pain and swallow itbecause you feel like you can't
get out or this person is thebest person for you, or what
have you?
Just know that you don't deservethat and you deserve so much
more in this life and in thissituation.
It may seem like it's like justdetrimental, because I was
(42:29):
there, like I literally feltlike there was no other option
and there was no way out, and Ican tell you that there's life
at the end of the tunnel if youchoose yourself, but you have
the power within you to do it.
You just have to wake up andmake it happen.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
And I think it goes back to what we said earlier is
that you have to have thatacceptance of that.
You know what?
I'm finally choosing me.
I'm finally choosing me and I'msaying, hey, I'm not taking any
more BS.
So this is it.
(43:11):
So I have.
Well, that is it.
Any final final thoughts fromyou guys?
I'm the best listening outthere as far as on a mental
(43:42):
health point of view, because Iknow with toxic toxicity that
can cause depression and anxiety, because some people may feel
depressed in a certain situationbecause of that relationship
(44:06):
and again, you know they arejust struggling, trying to get
out.
So any final words ofencouragement for people.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
Like, yes, final words, gravitate towards things
that you love, Because so oftenin toxic relationships people
get withdrawn either from familymembers or, you know, they
slowly like stop hanging aroundtheir old friends or stop doing
things that they used to dobecause now they're so into this
(44:40):
person.
And I would say, like, justgravitate towards things that
you enjoy doing, things thatbring you happiness, and
hopefully, within the process ofdoing that and choosing to,
like, put yourself first.
Then you'll start to see likethere's so much more out there
for you to tap into and so muchmore for you to do.
(45:00):
And this relationship, trust me, is not the end, because if it
was meant to be, it would not bethat toxic and it would not be
bringing you that much harm.
Like she said, like, choosepeace at all costs and if it's
robbing you of your peace, baby,you don't need it, let it go,
drop it.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
No, I have it in my head and it went away like that.
But far as anybody in arelationship get out, like if
you have nobody to talk to talkto God, I'm telling you, if it's
plenty of time, I've been inthe shower with the Lord.
(45:49):
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to get it today,because I ain't got it today.
I need you to handle this.
I will give it up to him in aminute and once you give it up
to him, you can't think about itever again.
You have to let it go.
Let it go into God.
If anything is too strong foryou, give it to God.
Don't run to your friend or runto your neighbor, your mom,
your dad.
Let it go, and let it go and behappy and enjoy life, because
(46:14):
it might be one day that youdon't wake up to that toxic
relationship.
So, yeah, that's it.
Just give it a go, all right?
Well, thank you guys for comingon.
I think this is a really gooddiscussion and this will be
(46:38):
released on my podcast, whereit'll be edited and everything
like that.
So it'll be released on mypodcast and this will be
released on my podcast sites aswell, as it will be released on
the YouTube, so you'll get tosee the video version as well as
the audio version.
This will, of course, stay onmy Facebook page as well.
(47:00):
So again, thank you guys forcoming on.
Y'all were awesome.
Thanks, good conversation.
I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for the conversation.
So again, guys, make sure y'allcheck out, check me out, state
of the podcast.
Make sure you all subscribe toall of my platforms.
(47:25):
I can find me on iTunes, amazonmusic, pandora, spotify, I
heart, google, podcast, pot,being, etc.
Go ahead and you said what'syour ID that people can find you
(47:46):
on.
Speaker 2 (47:47):
Oh, yes, you can find me at King JJ Y Chris.
Speaker 1 (47:54):
And then miss Jay, hi miss J Grace, hi miss J Grace.
So Instagram is at J dot grace,underscore here, underscore
(48:16):
studio.
Facebook is J Grace hair studio.
Also Jasmine Grayson forshorter.
If you need that, yes, go.
Saucy dot com.
Best last J Grace hair studio.
All right, well, on that note,guys, thank you all for the
support and this will be my lastFacebook live for this month.
(48:44):
I believe I may have anotherone.
I'm not sure yet, but if not,this is the last one.
Make sure you guys take care ofyourselves mentally for this
mental health awareness month,unplugged, unplugged.
I know a lot of things aregoing on in this world right now
(49:07):
, especially with the shootingsand everything that's taking
place, but if you can't handleit mentally unplugged, I tell
people all the time just get offof social media for a good week
, a good week.
Get out and turn off the phone,get turn off the, the, the news
(49:32):
, stop watching news for, forinstance.
Just get outside and enjoy.
Like a lot of people, I thinkthey we have gone, grown
accustomed to just being onsocial media All the time that
we forget to actually just to gooutside and the sun to soak in
(49:55):
our skin.
You know, we just run aroundand, you know, take walks in the
parks and honest stuff, or youknow you do your various sports
activities and whatnot.
You know you can do thatbecause we're so consumed of
being on the phone, like you'reconstantly on your phone, why
(50:16):
don't you?
I think, watch, I'll do thiswhy don't you not?
I challenge people to do thiswhy don't you just see how long
you can go without actuallypicking up your phone and
looking at it, just to see howyou, how, how long you can do
that.
(50:36):
I think it's a great homework.
What time is it up?
Let me give my phone and look.
Okay, outside of picking up,outside of looking at the time,
social media, social media seehow long you can go without
going on social media andanswering, like maybe emergency
texts and stuff like that.
But just see how long you cando that and for track, how many
(51:00):
times you do it, because I'msure a lot of people you don't
even know subconsciously you'redoing it Like, like literally,
you don't know like you could beat work and obviously then you
just picking up your phone, justlooking at it, or you just in
you in the car just picking up,looking at it when my phone dies
(51:23):
.
That's the most that I pickedup.
I know my phone is dead, but Ikeep trying to look at it and
I'm like why am I keep thinkingabout?
Speaker 2 (51:31):
it.
Speaker 1 (51:33):
Like it's like.
I think we as a society wereally need to get back out
there and and start actuallyenjoying like the outside and
enjoying like regular activities, like we used to do back when
we were younger, you know before.
Like go outside all day, getlocked out the house.
(51:56):
Like go outside and go playyeah.
Like you walk up the street tothe salvation army Kids can't do
that now.
No, walk to the store.
You remember, you remember whenI used to go to your grandma
(52:18):
house and we used to walk up tothe, that neighbor that sold the
, the candy lady, yeah, yeah,but people, obviously people
can't do that now because timesare different, Because you and
it going to somebody's house andhave been shot.
But like that, that's a realthing.
(52:39):
But you can.
You can go to parks, familyoutings.
There's a lot of things thatfamilies can do as far as
outings and stuff like that.
So I just challenge everybodyto just try and in the plug as
much as you can.
That way I think your mentalhealth will start to Start
(53:06):
become a better, more positiveperson.
You won't be so engrossed withyou, won't with the news, won't
be so depressed all the time,you know.
I mean the world is depressing.
You don't have to be depressedwith the world, you know.
But that's my soapbox.
But thanks, guys, and I willsee you guys later again.
(53:34):
These audits episodes will bereleased within this month, and
next couple days I will releasehow to turn purpose in the pain,
or how to turn pain in thepurpose, sorry, and then my
other episodes after that.
So far they're doing.
I'm out Bye now.
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