Am I the Asshole?

Charlie (any/all), Ava (they/she) and Jessica (she/her) Speak Out on some of Reddit's Am I the Asshole posts that are relevant to the queer community. They discuss navigating communication in polyamorous relationships, parents finding your anal sex toys, and more!

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Good afternoon! We are Speak Out by Outwrite, the oldest queer college publication in the nation.

(00:07):
We are here on UCLA Radio and live on Instagram at Outwrite News Mag every Sunday from 1 to 2 p.m.
We talk about topics relevant to the queer community, and we're also a print, so we publish every quarter by print twice a week online.
And of course we have this amazing podcast. I am one of your hosts, Ava, and I use they, she pronouns.

(00:29):
I'm your other host, Charlie, and I use any/ any all pronouns.
And I'm a guest. I'm Jessica. I use she, her pronouns.
And today we are going to be speaking out on Reddit, Am I the Asshole posts.
These are going to be mostly queer related. Some of them are just going to be tangentially queer related and fun.
Because this truly is one of the craziest subreddits, although I am a fan of r slash geese.

(00:52):
Have any of you guys ever made an Am I the Asshole post?
Yeah, I haven't either. I don't feel like being roasted on the internet, no matter what I do.
All right, do we have one we want to start with?
Oh, wow.

(01:13):
Oh yeah, we're starting off. I only picked the wild ones because they're fun.
Also, I have some outright stickers on my laptop. You guys should buy our stickers when they're available.
This one's from our Freaks print. This one's from our Satanic Panic print.
And I don't know where the ghost toots are from.
But anyway, okay, so the way this is going to work, we're going to read out the post and then we're going to determine if we think they're the asshole.

(01:37):
And of course, there's like usually a determined like it says whether Reddit thinks they're the asshole, but a lot of times about queer stuff, they're like wrong.
So am I the asshole for asking my son who his butt plugs are for?
I have a polyamorous, I have a queer polyamorous son 24 male who is in a threple.
I love my son and I'm fully supportive of his relationship.

(01:59):
Both his boyfriend and girlfriend are amazing and treat him so well.
They live about an hour away and my son still gets some mail here sometimes.
We usually hold until he has time to come pick it up, but this week he had a package that was there for almost a month.
I wasn't sure if it was anything important or something he urgently needed like medication.
In this part where I knew I was wrong, I decided to open it.

(02:22):
I know this was a breach of privacy, but it felt alright at the time.
To my surprise, it was three heart shaped rhinestone butt plugs in three sizes that get progressively larger.
I definitely don't have any problem with three consenting adults doing what they like.
We all kind of know they're freaky, but it felt like a total breach of privacy.
I immediately put them away.
Later that week, my son stopped by to pick up his mail in packages. I went to grab the previously opened box and I said I'm so sorry.

(02:48):
I opened this one thinking it might be important.
He could sense my discomfort and he busted out laughing.
I laughed with him too and I could tell we were both acknowledging the awkwardness.
I guess I was really nervous because when I caught my breath, I blurted out, so who gets each size?
My son immediately stopped laughing and it got very awkward.
My son finally said, don't ask me that and awkwardly took the package and left.

(03:11):
Later that day, my daughter, who still lives at home with me, asked me what I had said to my son.
Apparently he was really upset with what I said.
He thought I was weirdly sexualizing his partnerships and breaching his privacy by opening private mail.
I know I'm in the wrong for opening his mail. I feel really bad about it.
I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but I was just trying to relate to him and lighten the mood with a funny joke.
So am I the asshole for asking my son who his butt plugs were for?

(03:35):
Oh boy.
I mean, it seems like this dad already knows that he was in the wrong.
Like, I don't know. He obviously wasn't trying to be like a jerk about it,
but obviously like your son's an adult and that's a private question.

(03:56):
I'm also gonna hot take say that if I was gonna order butt plugs,
I would order it to one of my other partner's houses that don't live with their parents.
My own house, a P.O. box. Like, I don't know. If I just didn't...
Well, sometimes you don't have an option.
I guess. I mean, you can buy those in person too. I don't know.
Yeah.

(04:17):
I don't know. I feel like he... like, I understand why he said it, but also you just don't go there.
Yeah, yeah. Like, as someone, I will be completely honest on air and say my parents have found some stuff of mine.
Oh no.
I think that like being like, like opening it, that's obviously an accident and like don't do that,

(04:40):
but I think going one step further, like it's already an awkward situation.
You don't have to make it more awkward.
Yeah. Yeah. I've had similar experiences with my parents, but on the opposite end, defining their stuff.
Oh, really? I didn't also have those experiences.
I found like butt stuff before I knew my dad was bi and I was like, why does he have this?

(05:02):
And then I was like, my mom, after he came out was like, so you probably now realize, like stop talking to me about that.
Stop. Yeah. No, enough. Enough. Yeah. I think my parents have found some things like a cane, but yeah.
Yeah. My stepdad was like, stop ordering stuff to the house and I'm like, stop opening it.

(05:23):
Yeah. I mean, just generally like don't open your adult children's mail. Like you don't want to know what's in there.
Mail fraud. I think that's the overarching lesson. Don't commit mail fraud.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't really want to say what is our rating on this?
Like, I think well intentioned, but also in the wrong.
I feel like well intentioned asshole because like you're already a big step ahead of a lot of people by supporting your child for being polyamorous and not freaking out about it, but like do a little bit better and like take this experience and like learn from it.

(05:55):
And if you learn from it, not not the asshole, like people make mistakes. This was a minor one.
Yeah. And obviously it was an awkward situation that this person was just trying to like get out of, but there's different ways to get out of it rather than making it more awkward.
I feel like you like don't get to keep your dad badge unless you're like asking the occasional weird question.

(06:16):
You have to be a little bit like uncomfortably personal and be like, okay, no.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll read the next one. So am I the ass one for making it seem like I was gay?
I covered a song in my social media that was about a lesbian relationship and a song by a lesbian by artist.

(06:37):
I've gotten so many messages telling me they're happy I came out and people commenting on the post saying they figured I was a little bi.
Is this Sabrina Carpenter?
Or that they don't know I rolled that way, but they were happy for me. Like what? I have a little bit of a following not crazy, but I panicked and noticed all those comments.
But I didn't delete the video and just ignored it. I'm straight. Not one part of me likes women. I just wanted to cover that song.

(07:01):
And people I know and my friends are acting like I'm gay or bi or whatever. So I just played the song, played along.
I didn't say anything about my sexuality, but I went to queer clubs when they invited me. My friend made a joke that her gaydar is off and she didn't realize I wasn't straight.
So it's clear that she thinks I'm gay now. And I just didn't answer anything. She ended up asking me how long I've liked girls and I told her that I don't.

(07:23):
I just covered the song and now people think I'm gay. She got upset with me and said I should have told her instead of being silent.
But I felt uncomfortable. She called it queerbaiting. Am I the asshole here?
Well, I don't think that real people can queerbait, first of all, because sexuality is fluid and like you can always change.
And I don't think covering a song is inherently wrong. However, I do think maybe if everybody is like, oh, you're gay.

(07:51):
Oh, I didn't know that you were gay and you're like, hmm, I don't think I'm gay. Like I think maybe you can be like, hey, just so you know.
That's why I'm having to come out as straight. Yeah, I've met people who have had to come out as straight.
I don't know. It's complicated because I don't think anyone owes you their sexuality, including straight people, but also like, I don't know, I think that you can also share that like if there's confusion just to prevent it.

(08:23):
Yeah, I agree.
What do you think? I feel like nobody's really the asshole here. Just like communicate openly with your friends to the extent that you're comfortable and be comfortable with your friends communicating to the extent that they're comfortable.
And that doesn't always mean telling you things right away. Like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I feel like once they started taking her to gay clubs, then at that point you should have been like, hey, I'm just here as an ally.

(08:51):
I'm not gay, but like, I don't know. I think it got a little too far. Yeah, so like, like, I don't know.
That's individual based on their relationship. Yeah, another thing. Like this seems like something that like, hey, maybe they're really close and they felt betrayed or something, but also that's their personal business.

(09:13):
Covering a queer song from a queer artist, I don't think is like makes you owe anyone sexuality or anything. Yeah, like music is just music. However, it did remind me of Sabrina Carpenter.
Have you guys seen that one SNL sketch where it's like Taylor Swift uses ambiguous pronouns and everyone thinks she's gay. Harry Styles wears a dress and everyone goes crazy.

(09:37):
Kiss Jenna Ortega passionately on the mouth and everyone believes me when I say it's just a metaphor. It's really funny. Yeah, no, I don't know how to feel about Sabrina Carpenter.
I also recently found out Olivia Rodrigo is not queer. Really? Oh, that doesn't terribly surprise me. Yeah, really? Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

(10:01):
I don't think anyone really owes sexuality. No, she definitely doesn't. She just wrote the song Lacey and it made me think things. Oh, yeah.
But maybe that's more about you. Yeah, maybe. My favorite thing is when Taylor Swift wrote Betty and it was like, this is about my male cousin.
And I was like, this is the most lesbian song ever. She's like, I'm skateboarding down the street. Like I think about my also, I hate the name Enos and I find that so funny that she rhymes that in that song.

(10:29):
I will say she did say about folklore that it was supposed to be like literal folklore like stories. Yeah, that makes sense. I also like the theories. This is just going to go on a tangent.
But I like the theories that people think that she's like writing about Emily Dickinson and that she's actually related to Emily Dickinson. She is actually. Yeah.
I feel like all white people who came here on the Mayflower related, I don't know. I mean, quite possibly. Like at some point, everybody like is related at some point.

(10:58):
But I don't know. Sometimes people are related closer than other people. Maybe. I mean, I could see that. Yeah. So wait, what was our verdict? Like not an asshole. Just like no one's the asshole.
Just communicate. Real. Yeah, I feel like as a pretty strong term for some of these situations. Yeah. Let's see what we've got next.

(11:21):
Okay. Am I the asshole for not celebrating Pride Month as someone technically part of the LGBTQ plus community? To preface, I 18 female absolutely do not have anything against the LGBT plus community.
Way to start. We love when that's the preface. I have been an ally before realizing I count as part of the community as well. I also don't have anything against Pride, but I'll go further about my feelings.

(11:45):
I'll go further into my feelings about it in the post. I have a fairly diverse group chat where like 80% of us are some flavor of queer. Recently, several friends have been planning to go to Pride.
I was asked if I was going to go and use the excuse of being a boarding student and needing to travel back to my home country. But a 18 female insisted that in that case, I could go to the Pride in my country and video call them.

(12:09):
Now, I don't care much about going to Pride. I think it's important and I'm happy that my friends are going. However, it isn't my thing. I'm an introverted person and social events suck the energy right out of me.
I don't like putting my emphasis on my orientation. I just want to exist and be treated as anyone else. I also don't feel very connected to the community as a whole. I'm only on the aromantic and asexual spectrums while preferring men.

(12:33):
It's taken me a long time to accept this part of myself and I'm still working on it. Furthermore, while I have faced difficulties regarding my general lack of or very limited attraction and interest in certain activities, I pass very well as your typical straight person just with some quirks.
I've found that I'm happiest just vibing and chilling. I didn't tell the group chat this, only that Pride was a bit much for someone like me. I didn't think much of it since it's a known fact that I'm a homebody.

(12:58):
Later, I DM'd one of the people I'm closer to in the group chat about not wanting to feel like my orientation is the focal point of who I am. They didn't agree with me, though.
Their point was that Pride was and still is a protest and since I was technically part of the community, I had a responsibility to stand up for fellow queer people and fight for our rights, especially since my home country still had a ways to go.

(13:19):
They also said that me not feeling connected to my community as well as wanting to fit into usual society is internalized bigotry, which might have been them misunderstanding my message, but I do see their point.
They've always been quite vocal about this and honestly, they're a bit of the activist type. I've never had a problem with this and at times I'm envious of them having the energy to do all of that,

(13:40):
but I think it's unfair that I'm supposed to feel certain ways about certain things or that I have to be responsible for social change because of parts of my identity.
Don't get me wrong, I have been a vocal ally and I've done my fair share of standing up for myself and fellow LGBT plus people.
I just want to take things more low-key and live my life. My point of view is that me being on the Aero Ace spectrum is similar to me being Asian.

(14:01):
I won't tolerate racism or bigotry and I stand up when it matters, but I don't like the expectation of always being outspoken and being an activist.
I'd like some different point of views on this. Am I the asshole for not wanting to go to Pride for various reasons?
I don't think so. No, especially the point that you should go to Pride in your home country, but also your home country as a way to go.

(14:22):
It's like, then is it safe for them to go to Pride in their home country?
It would be one thing if they were trying to control other people, but I am an introvert. I am not a physically active person.
I have gone to a Pride parade once. It was like 110 degrees outside. I got so hot and was like, I don't want to do that again.

(14:44):
I think that's valid. I think that you can stand up for your community and be an activist in ways that don't involve going outside in like 100,000 degree heat and walking around a bunch and being miserable as an introvert queer person.
I'd like to speak to the gays who picked June. Why did we pick June? I'm sure there's significance.

(15:09):
Can we not have like April? Yeah, or like March even?
Literally everything is in April, which I find ironic.
It's the best month. Isn't that like Autism Pride month?
Yes, and it's my birthday and I'm like, this is meant to be.
Oh yeah, but it's also my birthday. What's your birthday?
The 15th. Mine's the 25th. Oh my god, Max is the 5th. So we have like April babies. April babies. I know.

(15:32):
We will definitely have to have a baby.
And aren't you and Sarah's birthdays right next to each other?
Yeah, we're like August, I think like 9th and 10th. But anyway, yeah, I think there's a lot of ways to show up for your community.
I think you do kind of have a sort of duty to show up for your community as a queer person and as an ally, but I don't think there's any one way to do that.
Yeah, you can do that a million different ways. You can do that by going to Pride, you can do that by uplifting your queer friends,

(15:56):
you can do that by joining some awesome publications that post articles about issues that the queer community face, like outright news magazine at UCLA.
You can also do that by watching really cool queer podcasts.
Yeah, and sharing it with people who are part of the queer community, getting queer voices out there and uplifting people.
And especially asking questions when I put question boxes on the Instagram because none of y'all do that.

(16:21):
And coming on our podcast so we have more guests.
Yeah, if any of you want to be on this podcast, just DM us at outright news mag and we'd be happy to have you on as a guest.
Just DM us like what you would want to talk about and we can base an episode around it.
I'm especially right now looking for people who are queer in academia and queer martial artists.

(16:42):
Also, at some point I want to do an episode on aromanticism so if anyone relates to that, I don't know a ton of people so like please come on.
Yes, that would be fantastic. We have to do that for like aero ace awareness day.
Is it a day or a month? I don't remember.
Yeah, I have it marked. I have all the like holidays marked somewhere.
Today is National Tater Tot Day.

(17:03):
I love how you know all of this.
I love that aspect of you romanticizing your life. You're like, I'm going to celebrate all of the year national days.
Tomorrow is National Feed Birds Day, but it's also National Feed Birds Month.
Unfortunately, I have a big research thing to do so I don't know if I'll get to do it on the actual holiday.
Yeah, I mean there's birds on campus. You could feed some like crows or ravens or something.

(17:27):
I like the geese. I know you like the geese.
Crows and ravens are so cute.
I was looking at online places that sell geese at during work. I'm not going to buy them. It's just thoughts.
I don't know how much this has been discussed on podcasts, but this has been an ongoing probably three or four month thing of Ava wanting to buy a goose and all of us geese.
No, geese. Plural. It's a two-year-old.

(17:48):
It's a two-year-old.
Okay. Plural geese.
Do they need friends?
Yeah, yeah, they're not good solo.
And Ava isn't a good enough friend for one of them.
Oh no!
Just because you're not a goose as much as you want to be.
That's true. I mean I do honk at them when I see them. I run over to them and I go honk.
And then I like feed them.
And they run away because they're terrified.

(18:09):
No, they don't. They're starting to recognize me.
Oh boy. Birds are real smart. Don't get me on a crow, raven, rant.
Oh my god.
They're so smart.
If geese were to do MI the asshole, they would always be the asshole.
They would always be the bad ones.
They're always the asshole.
I've heard of un-titled goose game.
Yes, I have.
I think the whole thing is you play as a goose and mess up people's lives.

(18:30):
I think you would love it.
I would absolutely love that.
Yeah, I feel like geese wouldn't care enough about if they're an asshole to post on Reddit though.
No.
They'd be like, I don't need some random people to tell me I know that I'm the asshole.
Yeah.
Okay.
Except some sub-estopical geese. They're very sweet.
But anyway, we've derailed as usual.
Oh, yeah, it's me. Okay.

(18:51):
I'm not nature. Bring it up.
Am I the asshole for telling my girlfriend I don't like her queer-centric show?
I'm 25 male and my girlfriend is 24 female.
We've been dating for eight months.
We're both bisexual and have been in same-sex relationships in the past.
My girlfriend loved this show called The L Word.

(19:12):
She's been staying at my place a lot before and has been watching this show at my place.
I've watched some and some here and there, but it's not my cup of tea.
I don't like the biphobia, how it handles recent times.
I'm Hispanic and my girlfriend is white.
Transphobia when it comes to the one trans character, etc.
I understand that at the time the show came out, it was groundbreaking.

(19:34):
So I respected for that, but it kind of makes me cringe.
I haven't said anything since my girlfriend likes it so much.
So I just go play games on my computer on the other side of the room when she watches it.
Last night my girlfriend was pushing for us to hang out together and watch it.
I caved and sat for an episode, cuddled with her, and when the episode was over asked if I could do something else.
She said no, she wanted to watch more.
I was like, okay cool, and I tried to get up to go play my game.

(19:57):
She got upset and said that I always go to my computer when she turns the show on.
I tried to deflect and told her it was my cup of tea as I didn't want to insult something she liked,
but she kept pushing until I told her my response.
Well, she wasn't receptive.
I wasn't trying to be mean, but she kept pushing and pushing.
I basically said I didn't like get why she was so into the show that portrayed her by sexuality as gross

(20:19):
or needing to pick a side along with the other reasons I listed.
I will add that later I did tell her how groundbreaking the show was at the time just that it didn't age well.
Well, she's pissed now.
She told me I was an asshole for demanding one of the few queer-centric shows.
She left and went back to her place and has been short of me since last night.
I talked to my girlfriend about it and when he...
I talked to my friend about it and while he hasn't seen the show, he googled it and agrees with me.

(20:44):
So am I the asshole for telling my girlfriend I don't like watching the L-word?
No, I think people are allowed to have preferences.
Like, I think nuance is the thing that exists.
Like, you can dislike the show for a number of reasons and also be like,
I get that you like it and that's fine and sacrifice sometimes and watch it with her.
Yeah, I was super sus about this post at the start and now I would say not the asshole.

(21:09):
I think the L-word is super problematic and it's fine to just like...
He's not saying like, don't watch it.
He's just saying, I don't want to watch it and that's fair.
I feel like this is not going to be a successful relationship if they're not able to communicate and respect their differences.
And like, he did a really good job of trying to let her down easy on this and she just kept pushing, which I think is a bad sign.

(21:31):
And who wants to watch more than one episode of the L-word?
Like, watching Jenny for more than like 20 minutes makes me want to punch someone, I don't know.
I have a confession that I had to crush on Jenny at the beginning of the show
and then when she got really bad then I didn't like her anymore.
Wrong answer, I had to crush on the tennis player. I don't remember her name.
I have no idea.
Dana? I have no sense.
Dana, I have no sense.
Any of these things. My queer show is arcane.

(21:52):
Dana and the one who looked like Joan Jett, Shane.
Everyone likes, oh my god, there's this person in my high school who was like Shane in real life and everybody liked them.
Even like the straight woman, we're like, I want her.
And then they asked out one of the straight girls that we were friends with and she said no and all of us were like, why?
Yeah, why would you say that?
Yeah, people are allowed to have nuance. People are allowed to like things that you don't like for lots of reasons.

(22:17):
And you're allowed to like things that people don't like.
Nuance, people.
Find a show to watch with your partner that you both like.
Exactly.
Don't just make your partner, unless it's football, then you make them watch it.
No.
They have to.
And also this post didn't come out like 10 years ago.
This post came out in the past year and there's a lot more better queer shows.
Exactly. Watch arcane.
Or generation Q.
Like, there's L word generation Q now.

(22:39):
Generation Q was weird though. I didn't like that one.
I didn't watch it, but.
The problem with generation Q was the first show, one of the things that made it work was the sense of community and how all the characters hung out together and had like this constant space.
Generation Q, they were trying to tell generation stories, but the generations didn't interact. So it was very fragmented.
Yeah.
Weird.

(23:00):
I've watched all the L word and I have a lot of opinions about the L word, which is why I picked this.
But I just think that the comment about the biphobia is so real though.
In the transphobia for sure.
In the transphobia.
Which was also interesting because the actor at the time wasn't, identifies trans and people got really mad about that, but now they're out as trans.

(23:21):
It's like a really interesting conversation too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, nuance.
Love people live their lives.
Sort of.
Within reason.
Unless they're being assholes.
Yeah.
Unless they're actively being assholes.
Yeah.
Alright.
Shall we move on?
Yeah.
Okay, this one is long and hilarious.

(23:43):
Oh boy.
I just saw the title.
Would I be the asshole if I didn't include one of my polycule members in a book I'm writing?
Me.
I, 22 female, am in a polycule with John, 30 male, Lisa, 25 female, Junie, 22 year old non-binary, Lucy, female 32, and Alex, 22 year old female.

(24:07):
Like my subs, all of these people are, like my subs, female 22, male 24, female 19, male 20 are unionizing.
This is, wait, this is crazy.
This is, this polycule is gonna have problems because there's too many of y'all.
Like what?
You can't have like five gay bitches together and not have issues.

(24:30):
Okay.
Alex has always had an issue with me since she moved into the house.
We are all roommates.
I am a full-time history student and I have been working on a fantasy novel concerning a traveler attempting to find a treasure that was stolen from his family.
The kingdom that this takes place in is a five biome kingdom with five rulers that happen to be in relationships with each other.

(24:53):
I based four of the characters off of the other four members of the polycule and one on myself.
Know that these are minor characters and that the world is focused on their relationship.
They have little to no sway over the plot.
I started this novel while other people were dating Alex, but she had never been in my life until after I started writing.
I want to get something straight.
Nothing is straight about this.

(25:14):
I have never wanted to and probably never will date Alex.
I find her rude, abrasive, and condescending because she's a STEM student and likes to rub it in my face that I chose to study the arts.
I am, however, dating all four of the others independently.
I left my manuscript on my laptop and a drawing of the kingdom as well as some costume and clothing designs I had made on the counter while I made dinner for the five of us and Alex stumbled across it.

(25:38):
She noticed that she was not included in the novel and complained to the other members of the polycule that she wasn't included.
I clarified that I don't know her all that well and if she had bothered to be friendly to me, I could have included her in the book.
Junie, Lucy, and John are all on my side with the opinion being that it is my book and I should be able to include or exclude anyone I want.
Lisa has taken Alex's side and said that if I want to include all the people I'm dating, I have to include Alex too.

(26:03):
It's quite a romantic relationship that all five characters have and it's a happy one that has large amounts of compersion,
which is being happy to see your polysignificant other going on dates and spending time with other partners.
I feel pressured to add her but I have spent so much time building this world around the people I love and care about.
I just don't want to cause any fights or disdain for as much as I dislike Alex, I still respect her and value her as a member of the household.

(26:28):
Am I the asshole?
No.
Yeah, no.
No, this reminds me of fights I had when I was in middle school about the book being overrated.
Yeah, exactly.
I honestly feel like if you have too many characters based on real life people in your story very directly and that's the main point of the story that that can become very uncreative at a certain point.

(26:52):
And just like, I don't know, it's stupid and it's messy and I don't know.
Do what you want.
I'm not saying that it won't lead to problems in that group but it's your book.
I feel like this is kind of juvenile discussion and like that these people are having and also at the same time like I get this is probably them taking this personally in a way that has nothing to do with the book at the same time.

(27:17):
Exactly.
Exactly.
Like obviously these two people have beef.
Like they don't like each other for one reason or another.
Also, can we talk about Alex completely breaching that person's privacy by like going on their laptop and like reading through all of this.
And also Lisa saying you have to include the people you're dating but they explicitly said they don't want to date Alex.

(27:39):
Yeah, which is weird.
I don't know.
I think they're just not understanding the concept of metamorphosis very well and like.
Yeah, like I don't know.
You're the writer.
You can write about whatever you want and that doesn't have to include people that you don't like and it can include people that you do like.
However, make sure you get them to like sign a thing about like libel.

(28:02):
I think it's libel.
Yeah, libel is a written one.
Get your people this if you're going to include real people in your book as an author, get them to sign a contract making sure they don't later sue you for libel if you become not friends and you break up.
Did you make Allison sign a contract for your book?
Allison isn't in my book.
Allison's not in it.
Allison's not in it.
I wrote the world above the waves before I even knew Allison.

(28:26):
It's not my fault that the main character has a striking similarity to her.
I didn't know her.
I was gonna say I've seen that cover.
That's fate.
That's just fate, man.
But anyway, purchase slash read the world above the waves by Jessica Rhodes.
It's a sapphic retelling of the little mermaid.
You guys would love it.
And the main character looks like my girlfriend and my girlfriend's beautiful.

(28:48):
Okay, well that makes sense.
And if it's a little mermaid because Allison's on red hair.
You're in business red hair.
Yeah.
Also, for those of you who are watching this later on audio, Jessica has shown off her biceps.
Oh yeah.
And continues to do so.
And Allison's also wearing a tank top.
Not Allison.
Jessica.
We are just talking about Allison.
Yeah.
Okay.

(29:09):
Yeah, you're welcome everyone.
You're the lesbian couple that's just become the same person.
Yeah.
No, she's a much better person than I am.
She's so lovely.
I love her so much.
Don't get me started on my girlfriend.
Let's go to the next post.
You could do a whole episode.
I could do a whole, if ever you guys are like gone or like sick, give me the code to radio

(29:29):
and I will spend like multiple hours talking about her.
Bring her.
Maybe we'll do an episode on like monogamy or something and we'll bring you guys.
Yeah.
I remember she was here for the episode y'all were doing on polyamory and I was like, I
would bring her but it feels wrong to bring my like two years monogamous partner to the
topic on polyamory and be like, oh yeah, we're here.

(29:51):
Real.
Okay.
What's your next one?
Uh.
I'm on the asshole for asking my sister to be discreet about her polyamorous male female
female relationship in front of my kids.
I guess it should be weird the asshole but I don't know if that's except acronym.
I apologize.
Blah blah blah.
All this stuff.
My family is going on a group vacation this summer.

(30:12):
We are pooling our resources to rent a nice property on the beach for a week.
My husband and I unfortunately are taking the lead on planning an organization.
It'll be me, my husband and our two kids, my brother his wife and their three kids plus
my parents.
Pids age range from free to nine.
In addition, my sister, her husband and their girlfriend are invited.

(30:33):
We initially only invite my sister and her husband but my assistant insisted that her
girlfriend, who I think they've been dating for nine months or so, should be included
as well.
My sister is in a polyamorous relationship and although my family and I don't get all
the nuances, we have tried to be understanding.
So as a compromise, we said that her girlfriend could come but we asked that everybody please
refrain from any PDA from the kids.
We are planning to just refer to the girlfriend as a friend of the family.

(30:56):
My sister was not happy with the suggestion and is now what's more saying she will not
go on the trip under these circumstances.
At this point, everybody else is exhausted with the subject and are all for letting her
exclude herself from the trip.
I'm conflicted though.
She's my sister and I obviously love her but I think my family members are trying their
best in a touchy situation.

(31:17):
Are we wrong?
Yes.
There's one thing, like, PDA isn't the same as being overly sexual.
If it was like don't do anything sexual in front of the children, that's normal and it's
expected of any relationship, monogamous, queer, whatever.

(31:38):
Don't let people live how they live.
If you're trying to hide that from your kids, then that means that you're embarrassed by
that and that's not right.
Yeah and also the fact that they initially invited the husband and the girlfriend.
Exactly.
They're trying to make the relationship seem straight by excluding the extra girlfriend.
I found that very weird because they should have done this but they could have been like,

(32:02):
hey, let's invite you and the girlfriend.
But they chose to invite her and the boyfriend and I was like, that's an interesting decision.
Yeah and you can tell from the way they're talking about it that it isn't like, oh well,
we know the husband and the sister have been together for longer.
I'd kind of give it if it was like, hey, we love your girlfriend but we've only known her
for nine months and this is like an expensive vacation or something but that's obviously

(32:25):
not the situation.
I feel like it's fine to say that no PDA in front of the kids if that's the same for all
of the romantic couples involved.
That's fine but also this is a good opportunity to teach your kids about different types of
relationships.
This is a good opportunity to explain to your kids, hey, a lot of people have a mom and
a dad like you guys but then there's some people who have multiple parents in various

(32:48):
ways and I think it's a good way to explain that to your kids early so that they're not
shocked by it because they're going to find out.
You can't keep your kids shielded forever.
Yeah, exactly.
I feel like it's healthy for kids to know about different types of relationships growing up.
Kids are usually much more accepting than adults are.
Yeah, exactly and that's also the thing I found interesting too is I think the situation is

(33:12):
kind of about them not wanting to explain polyamory to the children.
Yeah, and that's sad.
Yeah.
There's another post I almost chose that I did it.
It was about like a, which I wish I did, but it was about this woman being like I am angry
that my parents are openly about, open about the polyamory of me as a child and I thought

(33:33):
that was really interesting to see that as well.
Yeah, that is interesting.
There's always the discussion of like what is it like to bring kids up with polyamory,
like we talked about it on a polyamory episode.
We did, yeah.
I feel as hard as a kid if people in your community don't accept your parents, then it can be very difficult.
Then it's isolating and you might start to resent them.
But I think in terms of like polyamory, like just the mere fact of being raised by other parents,

(33:57):
I think that's a very positive experience.
There's plenty of other cultures where it's not just two parents raising children.
Yeah, Western cultures are some of the only ones like Western, what's the word, Anglo-centric cultures
are some of the only ones that have like a nuclear family unit where you have like two parents and your children.
Like it takes a village to raise a community and polyamory is just one way of doing that.

(34:21):
Yeah, exactly.
That's my argument that I would say to people who are like, polyamory doesn't work and it's just like experimental thing.
It's like if you look at history, it's kind of a result of colonization that we have this modern nuclear family.
So like maybe you should look on your judgment and consider that maybe it's wrong.
Also, polyamory is not inherently sexual and when you explain it to kids, it definitely shouldn't be like you should just...

(34:46):
Yeah, just in the way that being queer isn't inherently sexual.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that used to be a thing for a long time.
I think it's, I mean in a lot of places it hasn't changed, but in some places it has where it's like,
oh, we're just going to call your girlfriend just a friend who's like with us.
And like that's also wrong because being queer isn't inherently sexual and neither is polyamory.

(35:07):
Just let people live. That's my general verdict on every single, am I the asshole post I've ever read?
Like just let people live their lives.
Okay, but some of them are definitely the asshole.
Oh yeah, for sure. For sure. And usually those are the ones that are not letting people live their lives.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Real.
I'm really craving a hot dog. Sorry, I'm getting so distracted. Anyway, on to the next post.

(35:33):
All right.
Am I the asshole for saying that I think queer prom is a bad idea?
So I recently took a gender slash queer studies class half out of curiosity and half to fulfill a requirement.
One day the topic of having a queer prom or a qualm.
No, we're not calling it that.

(35:54):
We're not calling it that. I also don't support.
Having a qualm is a bad idea.
If we promoted our queer prom, that usually is qualm.
Guys, what's a qualm?
I would be so upset. They should never do that.
Okay.
Or silent qualm or something.
I'm against qualm.
The idea is that besides having a normal prom dance, a high school will also throw a separate prom specifically aimed at LGBTQ plus students.

(36:19):
Separate but equal?
I'm not saying that this student can attend. The class usually had open discussions with people sharing opinions from multiple perspectives.
So when the professor asked what we all thought of the idea, I thought, why not share my opinion?
I said, I think it's an idea. Though I personally wouldn't want my high school to do it.
When asked to explain, I said that LGBT students struggle with feeling isolated.

(36:44):
Having a separate dance for them will only further isolate them, and we should instead focus on having one prom that treats everyone fairly.
At my high school, there were no rules against same-sex couples or cross-dressing.
The only heteronormative part of prom is the crowning of the king and queen, which I think they should have gotten rid of, or changed simply to prom royalty or something to take out the gender.

(37:05):
Yeah, that's what my high school did towards the end of my time there.
Really? Mine did not.
Mine?
My first two years we had king and queen, and then I think my last two years we just had royalty.
I don't know if we had royalty, but we did have several trans women who were crowned queens.
Hell yeah.
Love that.
A couple minutes after I said this, a girl in the front raised her hand and said something along the lines of,
but LGBT students already are isolated at prom, so they should have their own dance to be in a safe space.

(37:31):
A bunch of students nodded or clapped.
It didn't bother me too much, but kind of made me feel like people might consider me a bigot or something.
Am I the asshole for saying what I did?
To be clear, I'm not against the idea of a queer prom.
I'm against having a separate prom for LGBT students, as I think it would only push them away instead of bringing us together.
In fact, just making prom queer in general is the best way to go.

(37:53):
Also, I'm just talking about high school prom, not university, since they usually don't have proms anyway.
Yeah, we do.
We do, but...
Yeah, but...
Okay, I agree.
I think, like...
I don't know, I think we've established in the past that segregation is a bad thing.
I don't know, I think that having a space, like, is important, but I think that having...

(38:18):
I think it's better to just make normal prom equitable.
Yeah, and I mean, I agree with both sides.
I think that both are fine.
Yeah, but like, I like that we have a queer prom here at UCLA, because a lot of the people...
You know, it's the safe space for people who may not have gotten to do that, they're prom to come.
And also, it's like a sociative like the LGBT center in the LLC, and that's like...

(38:40):
You could argue that the LLC is segregating people, but like, you have enclosed spaces for people that's good.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I'm gonna hard disagree with this one and say that if you don't want to be isolated, just don't attend your queer prom.
I think that space should be available.
They're never saying that by like having a queer prom, you can't go to regular prom.

(39:01):
You can go to both.
I think it's really nice to work on making those mainstream spaces more equitable, but because we're not there yet,
I think it's nice to have that queer prom, to have that just like confirmed space, safe space, like, where you know that like...
What if there's fellow students who are like, even if the school allows like same-sex couples and cross-dressing or whatever,
what if there's like some students in your class who you know don't and you might not feel totally comfortable with them there?

(39:26):
Yeah.
Or what if like, their parents are like, I don't know, you might just not feel comfortable.
And I think it's great to have that option and then also be able to go to the regular prom so that people who do want that space can take advantage of it.
I think affinity proms and affinity graduations are incredibly important.
Yeah.
And I think also, I don't know if it's a prom per se, but like the LGBT center does like a dance for queer elders who are like, didn't have a sort of like...

(39:49):
Yeah, space.
And I was like, that's awesome.
Yeah, that's awesome.
That's really cool.
Yeah, I also think it's different at university because as the post said, like, we usually don't have proms.
So like a queer prom is like a fun extra thing and not some like separate alternative to something that's already expected.
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel like it should always be in addition to an alternative.

(40:12):
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
And like, I like that because it's like, other people don't get a prom, but we get a gay prom and that's nice.
Yeah, yeah.
We get two proms.
Yeah.
We get two proms.
Oh yeah.
Nice.
Cool.
I got zero proms in high school because I was one of the COVID years.
Really?
Oh yeah.

(40:33):
I got one prom and there was a whole argument about whether or not we should like juniors go because they didn't want them taking up all the tickets and their seniors didn't get to go.
So it was like a rush to get tickets and it was like a whole thing.
I got two proms.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
We got two proms in that year.
Yeah.
We got to do that.
Yeah.
I was my freshman year and sophomore year for COVID years.
So I was also in student council.

(40:55):
So I planned two of my proms or the two proms that we had.
And that was the one thing that my ex and I were really good at agreeing on is like cool dance themes.
My junior year theme was Enchanted Forest and my senior year was Masquerade Ball because we disagreed on everything else, but we knew how to plan a fucking dance.
We had our based off like a James Bond movie so like our theme was kind of gambling because of that whatever film.

(41:17):
That's wild.
So we had like.
Yeah.
Gambling prom.
I was like why did we do this?
That's wild.
So my.
I guess let's introduce these 16 year olds to gambling.
Mine is Emma the Asshole for explaining gay people to a five year old.
My 24 male have a sister, 28 female who recently got married to a guy. We'll call him G, 33 male and G has a daughter D, 5F.

(41:43):
These are horrible names.
Yeah.
Who are family traits like my sister's daughter.
Some context, my sister was always supportive of my coming out and G has been less supportive.
But for example, my, for example, my boyfriend wasn't invited to their marriage and the excuse is that his mother is very religious.
Before me, my sister, before G, my sister and my boyfriend used to have dinner together.

(42:06):
And after the marriage, my sister invited us, never invited us to her place.
It was always at a restaurant that G doesn't go to.
My sister asked if I would take care of D for the weekend.
So she and her husband could get the weekend off to celebrate their three year anniversary.
I changed some plans and told them I would do it.
D is a nice little girl.
She's very talkative and very sensitive.
On Saturday, we went to the mall with my boyfriend. At the mall, there was all an arts workshop and crafts,

(42:30):
a workshop, arts and crafts at the playground.
And I left D there for two hours so I could have time with my boyfriend.
That's weird.
That's weird.
I asked my sister beforehand if it was okay and she says D loves the workshops.
When saying goodbye.
I'm sure that there's like chaperones or something.
When saying goodbye, my boyfriend gave me a little kiss, nothing much, just a little kiss.
I wasn't even sure if D saw it.

(42:51):
Sunday morning, I was watching TV with her and she asked if my boyfriend was my friend.
And I said yes.
But she asked why he kissed me and I had a gay panic.
I carefully explained to her that he's the same, was the same that,
wait, he was the same as my sister was with her father.
She told me, but you're boys.
And I said, there are boys who like boys and there are girls who like girls.

(43:12):
And that's okay.
She didn't say anything after that.
On Monday, I got an angry text from G saying that D was confused because of this.
I called him and he was just shouting that I had no right to introduce my way of life to his daughter.
And then it keeps going on about his reaction stuff.
It's basically like, it's a long post, but it's basically like, it's just an okay thing for me.
I'm done.
Yeah.
I think that like just out of respect to your sister, like after that happens,

(43:37):
maybe giving a heads up like, Hey, just so you know, this happened with D.
Like just wanted to let you know, just so it isn't like a shock to people.
But like, I don't know, I have step siblings that are pretty religious and I like, hopefully would not have to hide that.
But I think explaining it, especially since it's already happened, like it's not a bad thing.

(44:03):
I think a better thing to do would have been to like explain it like as a group or like tell somebody that this was going to happen before.
But obviously this person couldn't account for that when that happened.
And that's fine.
I don't think they did anything wrong.
I don't either.
And like, I've worked with children and I was always like, Oh, is this going to mean kids love to ask you if you have a boyfriend.

(44:25):
Yeah.
We got this job.
Always.
Always.
And so I was like, no, I don't have a boyfriend.
And they're like, why?
And I was like, well, maybe I have a girlfriend and they're like, well, I did it.
But I was like, what if I did?
And then like, we've talked about that the kids and I was always worried that like we had to complete from a parent.
But we never did.
And kids are so nice.
Yeah.
Kids just are like, okay.
And also the thing was at that camp, it was like kids from like five to 13.

(44:48):
So we had kids who were out as queer at like 10 and they felt like this made them a safer place for them.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I'm a firm believer of not lying to kids.
So I'm not going to like explicitly start telling kids about this stuff like out of the blue.
But yeah, if they asked me a question about queer or trans people or like anything, I'm pretty much going to tell them if in an age appropriate way.

(45:09):
Yeah, exactly.
I was never lied to as a kid.
My parents always told me the truth about pretty much everything.
And yeah, I don't know.
I think we teach kids to lie by lying to them.
And yeah, I also work with kids and I respond to these.
Sometimes if I don't want to explain, I'll just be like, no, I don't have a boyfriend.
But a lot of times I'll be like, no, I have a girlfriend or no.

(45:32):
But if I did, it would not be a boyfriend.
But yeah, I think it's very important to model like casually dropping that sort of stuff so that kids feel more comfortable if they may be having those feelings even at a very young age.
Yeah.
And I think that if like the sister and the husband are like having their like queer sibling watch this kid like and they don't want their kid to know about their sibling being queer.

(46:03):
Then that's something that they'd have to discuss beforehand.
Like I would never like give my child to somebody with like some identity that I hadn't explained to my child and not be like, OK, well, if you talk to them about this identity, like I'm chill with that.
Like I think if they didn't want that to happen, find someone else to watch your kid.

(46:26):
Yeah, it was interesting to me for me because my dad came out later in life and didn't tell me my whole childhood.
And so and he knew he was queer and he was out in the 80s, but then he went back in the closet and didn't tell me the kid.
And as a queer person, I felt for a while it was really hard for me to wrap my head around and I felt kind of betrayed by that because I'm like if I had known I would have been so much more comfortable being queer.
Exactly.

(46:47):
And not feeling like I had to be closeted.
And then came to realize this was all his internalized homophobia and trauma from being like gay in the Midwest during the AIDS crisis.
Yeah, exactly.
But like I think that telling your kids you never know what the kids identity is and who you're talking to.
So if you're comfortable like that's really important thing for the kid as they're growing up to know.
Yeah, I truly don't think like a kid could be harmed by knowing about the existence of queer people.

(47:13):
Like at the very least it gives them some knowledge and preparation for when they go out into the real world and there's queer people all over.
Yeah.
And I feel like a lot of people have problems with it because they still believe in that fallacy that like you can turn kids gay.
But I don't know if anyone finds a way and I ever have a kid.

(47:34):
Please let me know.
From my own perspective I think it is being forced to do matching Halloween costumes with your sister throughout your entire life and always having to dress up as the boy.
But also my sister is gay now so maybe that's not true.
I don't know.
I just haven't been in memory of dressing up as Phantom from Phantom of the Opera.

(47:55):
I'm being so stoked at like five and my sister was Christine and now we're both gay so maybe it isn't that.
I used to say like I remember watching Putt-A-Mature Leader and it's like what's your root?
And I was like my roots the fact that my parents are artists and I grew up with naked women all over our house.
Real?
Real.
Yeah.

(48:16):
My root is that I was born.
I don't understand the root thing.
So the root is a thing in conversion therapy where they try to find what made you gay and then you have to try and undo it.
Exactly.
Okay.
So like I don't know Putt-A-Mature Leader was like I was in a locker room with men or something when I played hockey or like all these things.

(48:39):
Like oh my mom was the like financially dominant figure in our house is like the main character.
I think I just drank a lot of soy milk.
I'm kidding.
So milk doesn't turn you gay if it did I'd be drinking more of it.
Yeah PSA that I don't think anything can turn you gay.
I think you are you are gay or you are not gay and I think more people are gay than you think you're gay.

(49:03):
Yeah.
I think everyone as someone who identifies as a homosexual I'm not entirely there on whether or not homosexuality or heterosexuality exists completely.
Obviously there's a spectrum and you will fall somewhere on that spectrum.
Yeah like I'm one of my best friends at high school was supposedly straight.
I don't know I look back on this and I'm like we shouldn't be QPPs because she was always like you have such a nice bone structure.

(49:29):
Oh my god.
She's like you're so androgynous and like it kind of reminds me of the guys I like and I was like why are you telling me this?
Yeah.
I'm a lesbian and there are men, fictional men, but men nonetheless that I would fold for.
I can't think of any.
I'm a lesbian.
No.
You would not fold for Flynn Rider.

(49:50):
Absolutely not.
That's crazy to me.
I'd hit him with a frying pan.
That's part of the like appeal.
But I wouldn't fall for him.
I would just hit him with a frying pan.
No I don't know.
I identify as lesbian until discovered otherwise and I have yet to discover otherwise.
I discovered otherwise and now I'm not a lesbian.

(50:13):
We had an outright event where we just chose to introduce ourselves as whether or not we are lesbians.
Oh yeah true.
That was fun.
Yeah that was fun.
I think I started that accidently.
I think you did.
I also started the height thing.
Oh my god yeah.
We had to describe our height.
And Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
That's our rat.
Gerald is our rat that lives outside the LGBTQ CRC.

(50:35):
Don't dox the rat.
Well he was at Ackerman the other day.
Yeah he goes everywhere.
Be nice to our rat.
Yeah don't kill our rat.
We love Gerald.
Be very nice to Gerald.
Give Gerald some cheese.
If you're mean to Gerald then you're not being an ally.
Sorry.
If you're mean to Gerald and you believe that queer people are witches then we are and we'll come and cast Hexes.

(50:56):
I mean some of us are witches.
I've spent some of her time with many witch friends that are queer.
I know I've been to witch retreats of gay people in the forest.
TLDR be nice to rats or you'll be hexed.
And I think that's a great place to end this episode.
So we have been speak out by OutWrite, the oldest queer college publication in the nation.

(51:17):
You can follow us here on Instagram @outwritenewsmag.
Check out our online articles.
Pick up our print when it hits the newsstand and come back here every Sunday from 1 to 2pm live on Instagram and on UCLA radio.
To see what we'll be speaking out about next.
I've been Ava.
I've been Charlie.
I've been Jessica.

(51:38):
And we have been speak out.
See you later.
Love you guys.
Bye bye.