June 16, 2025 • 25 mins
How do our own childhood wounds shape our parenting? Certified conscious parenting coach Shelly Robinson reveals that our most triggering moments with our children often stem from unhealed parts of ourselves - even when we had seemingly idyllic childhoods.
Through a powerful story about a bath time battle with her four-year-old that escalated into screaming, Shelly shares how this moment became her wake-up call. "I didn't want to do that ever again," she explains, describing how the incident led her to discover that her disproportionate anger wasn't about her son's behavior at all, but about moments from her own childhood when she felt unheard and insignificant.
The conversation explores practical strategies for breaking generational cycles, including understanding developmental expectations, practicing self-awareness before reacting, and learning to repair relationships through sincere apologies. Shelly's approach is refreshingly humble, acknowledging that perfect parenting isn't the goal - compassionate awareness is. She introduces her family's "Communication Station" practice, where family members take turns speaking while others practice deep listening without judgment - a simple but transformative tool for developing conflict resolution skills.
For parents of tweens and teens wondering if it's too late to change established patterns, Shelly offers heartening advice: "It's never too late. Children never stop wanting secure attachment with their parents." The pathway forward involves ownership of past mistakes, genuine apologies, and consistent change. Whether you're just beginning your parenting journey or looking to strengthen relationships with older children, this conversation provides both the inspiration and practical tools to create the connected, calm family life you've been seeking.
Connect with Shelly
Visit her website, or connect on Facebook or Instagram. Grab the Connected Kid Toolkit here.
Get a free mini lesson plus 52 prompts so your kids can practice every week here!
Thanks for Listening to Speak Out, Stand Out
Like what you hear? We would love if you would rate and review our podcast so it can reach more families.
Also - grab our free mini lesson on impromptu speaking here. This is ideal for kids ages 6+.
Interested in checking out our Public Speaking & Debate courses? Find more here!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Shelly Robinson
.
Shelly is a certified consciousparenting coach who helps
parents worldwide breakgenerational cycles to fill
their homes with more compassion, calm and joy, and who doesn't
want more of that in their lives?
When she's not cheering onparents to become more deeply
(00:20):
connected with their kids, youcan find her in the kitchen
baking with her two kids,sneaking in a game of ping pong
with her husband or releasingstress in her weekly boxing
class.
How cool is that?
You do boxing too.
A little bit of everything here.
Shelly, we're so glad to haveyou.
Thanks for being here today.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Thank you, I am so glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
So you devote your life to helping parents find joy
and calmness in our lives.
How did you get to this point,Like where?
What made you think this iswhat I need to do with my life?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah Well, I've always loved coaching, I've
always loved teaching and itjust has always felt like a
calling to me.
Prior to becoming a coach, Iwas in corporate marketing for
an insurance company.
I had my son almost 15 yearsago and it just didn't feel like
a good values fit any longerand so I started kind of
reinventing my life.
And it wasn't really arounduntil my second child where I
(01:14):
started.
I knew I wanted to be a gentle,kind, compassionate parent.
I didn't really know what thatmeant exactly, but I knew a few
things that I wasn't going to doright.
And then with my second child,my daughter, I just kept bumping
up against this idea that maybeI was a little bit part of the
problem, like when my kid.
You know, when my kids wereacting out or doing things that
(01:37):
I didn't like, my tendency mydefault was to correct them and
make them behave and ensure theywere being compliant, just
doing it in like a gentler way,right.
And it wasn't until that secondchild was born that I my second
child was born.
I thought maybe there'ssomething that is worth
unpacking under my anger and mytriggers and my reflex to be so
(01:59):
upset when they didn't do what Iwanted them to do, and so I was
very new to this.
I didn't at that time know thatit was inner child work or that
I wasn't even really thatfamiliar with reparenting, but I
just knew there were thingsfrom my own childhood that were
kind of sneaking into the way Iwas parenting as an adult.
So I just got really curiousabout that, and once I get
(02:21):
curious about something mytendency is to go like take a
very deep dive.
Here we are, like almost 10years later and I'm still like
so excited about this topic.
But it was really an invitationto me to begin healing some
wounds that I did not want topass on to my own children.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So I'm going to just go right here.
You're talking about.
You know, there were somethings from your childhood that
you knew you didn't want tobring in.
Yeah, Even if somebody isthinking well, you know what, I
had a great childhood, but Istill don't think I'm parenting
in the best way that I can.
Yeah, it's very possible rightthat we it's not.
It doesn't have to be you hadtrauma or serious things happen.
(02:57):
This affects everybody, rightAll?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
parents Absolutely, and I'm so glad you brought that
up, because in theseconversations I often end up
circling back around to that,because I am definitely one of
those people who thought tomyself, gosh, I had a pretty
good childhood, I don't feellike I need to do this inner
child work.
It feels a little woo, you know.
But now that I've been doingthis for so long, I am acutely
aware that none of us exitchildhood unscathed, and even if
(03:22):
it's, maybe our parents got 99%of it right.
But you know, we end upencountering someone influential
in our life, whether it's ateacher or a coach or someone
who we look up to, that maybemisses the mark in how they're
trying to influence us, right,and so those things kind of live
inside of us unconsciously.
And then, when they tend tobubble to the surface, when our
(03:45):
kids do something that remind usof those moments, right, and
I'll just share an example.
When my son was four, we werehaving this argument.
This was really kind of whatcatapulted me into this work.
We were having an argumentabout him getting into the bath.
He didn't want to take a bath,and which is very reasonable and
developmentally normal at thatage, right, but he wasn't
listening to me and putting thatin quotes he wouldn't get in
(04:08):
the bath, and something aboutthis exchange over and over and
over again of him not listeningto me triggered something deeper
than just this is kind ofannoying.
I wish he would just get intothe bath.
It was just this little Shellykind of emerged and locked horns
with my child and it was likemy inner child fighting my own
child because I wanted to beheard.
(04:28):
So there were moments in my ownchildhood whether it was inside
of my home and I don't think itwas intentional, or it was in a
classroom or it was in a churchwhere I felt like my voice
doesn't really matter.
No one really wants to hear whatI want to say, especially when
my voice is, you know, doesn'tagree with the voice in charge.
So it was this like triggerthat bubbled up in that moment
(04:53):
where I was so irrationallyangry with him and I screamed at
him and it awoke something inme that I just I never wanted to
do that again.
I don't know if you've seen themovie Monsters Inc.
Where Sully screams at Boo andthere's this vision of him
screaming at her and she'sscared, and it very much felt
like that moment for me with myson.
(05:14):
He was so little and I was sobig and I didn't want to do that
ever again.
So it really forced me to lookwithin and say where did that
come from?
That's not who I want to be andthat's not who I am as a parent
.
And so it really forced me todig deep and uncover where that
rage was coming from in myself.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
And we hear a lot more about mom rage.
Now it's a trending kind oftopic, Absolutely, but I'm glad.
I mean it sounds terrible,right, Like, oh my goodness,
nobody wants to have mom rage.
But I'm glad that it is a topicthat is kind of trendy because
it makes us feel like, eventhough that we don't want to be
those parents, everybody fallsshort and if we have those
(05:55):
moments we can fix it, we canrecover from that right.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I mean I I would never want to,you know, make parents think
that we're going to do thisperfectly.
We're not, like, no matter howhard we're working and how much
we're healing, we are going tomess up.
I'm repairing every week.
So the goal isn't perfection.
The goal is really compassion,and so when we do mess up, we
(06:19):
forgive ourselves, which givesus the capacity to repair with
our child.
So of course, we're going tocircle back around, explain to
our child that that was nottheir fault in any way and just
make a promise and a commitmentto them that we're working on
improving that and giving themexamples If they're old enough,
like next time I'll do this,I'll step away, I'll take a deep
(06:41):
breath, and I didn't do thatthis time and that wasn't your
fault, and I take responsibilityfor that.
And really it's modeling forthem what that looks like,
because that teaches them how toapologize, right, Because
they're going to mess up.
And we are apologizing in myhouse all the time and I love
that.
And that doesn't mean we'realways yelling at each other,
but I just mean like there's nota lot of ego when it comes to
(07:05):
apologizing in our house, Likemy son just apologized to me the
other day.
I apologized to my daughteryesterday and it's.
It didn't used to be easy forme.
I remember vividly the firsttime I apologized to my son.
He was two and it was like Ilike I wanted to crawl out of my
skin.
It felt so foreign and and nowit's just kind of easy breezy
for the most part.
Most days I'm like yep, Imessed up, Sorry, and we're most
of the time easily forgivingeach other.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
What do you say to the parents that think well, if
I tell my kid to get in the bath, it is their fault if they
don't get in the bath right.
I'm the one in charge.
They're not followinginstructions.
Why should I apologize to them?
You know?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
what do you say to that?
That's a valid question.
I think what helps to softenthat sort of mindset is just
better understanding thedevelopmental expectations of a
kid.
So at that age of four or five,depending on what's going on
like are they playing with a toy, are they really tired?
Like there are just so manyunderlying things that could be
happening underneath the surfacefor that child that it makes
(08:02):
sense for them to push back andit's kind of their job.
Like they're finding their wayin the world, right, they're
trying to find their own voice,and so to just see it through
the lens of it not beingpersonal but rather being
completely developmentallyappropriate, takes the sting out
of it.
Like, oh, they're reallydefying me.
How dare they?
You know, that kind ofauthoritative, ego driven sort
(08:25):
of approach to parenting thatalways ends up with just this
tug of war where someone ends upcrying.
It's either me or the kid, youknow, or maybe both of us.
But yeah, when we say you knowwhat?
Like their brains are stilldeveloping and they're still,
you know, it's their job to pushback.
There's could be a lot of otherreasons happening in the
background that we don't evenknow about, but if we can
(08:46):
approach it in a relational andeven, dare I say, playful, if we
have the capacity as the grownup not all days we do, I get
that, but if we can approach itjust a little more
lightheartedly, it just opens upthe space for the child to
maybe more likely say yes,because when we're being silly
and playful and we're not takingit personally, they're like oh,
I feel energetically that we'reon the same team.
(09:09):
It's not, we're not againsteach other, we're actually like
on the same team and this could,dare I say, be fun to take a
bath, you know, if we can likeget to that point with them.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I love how you said don't take it personally.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I feel like that's something I struggle with
personally.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Even if somebody disagrees with me at times, I
can take that personally and Ihave to tell myself they're
entitled to their opinion.
This is okay, they're notagainst me, they just disagree
with me.
But we can definitely take thatto the extreme.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
When it's our kids, I feel like oh absolutely and I
think a lot of how our parentsor other adults related to us in
our own childhood.
We don't mean for it to, but itseeps out into like how we
relate to our child.
So if we've got this veryhierarchical, like you know,
top-down sort of approach toparenting where I'm the, it
(09:58):
doesn't mean we can't be theleader, but like I'm the
dictator and they're the childand they do what I say.
That comes up when we're upset,right, that we kind of it's
been like wired into our brainbased on how we were raised and
it doesn't make us bad.
It just means like we have somerewiring to do and some
rewriting of patterns and that's, that's okay.
In fact, I'll share an examplewith you.
(10:18):
A couple of days ago I, um, Iuse my kid's bathroom sometimes
because it's the only bath inthe house and I love taking
baths and I often leave myclothes in there because I hate
putting my.
I'm kind of like a child inthis way where I just kind of
toss my clothes and I'm likeI'll get to them later.
It's fine.
I'm a little type B that wayand my son is not like that and
(10:39):
he he's 14 and he asked me verynicely and I'll tell you where
my ego and me taking itpersonally came into play.
He said Mom, do you mind hesaid it so respectfully Do you
mind just getting your clothesout of the bathroom when you're
done with the bath, becausethey're kind of everywhere and
it's just like cluttering up myspace?
And there was a teeny part of methat was like how dare you Like
(10:59):
just a teeny part?
And I didn't say it, but it wasthere and I was like man after
all, this time that's still.
That's still as wired in there.
Just a little bit.
But I didn't say it, Iacknowledged it and I was like
good to see you.
You're not taking the driver'sseat right now, get in the back.
And I just said sure, I'm sorry, I should have.
I'm like I'm so sorry.
(11:20):
You know, that was silly of meand I'll get them out of there.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
And I haven't.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
I haven't left them there since, but you know, it's
just an interesting like um,it's just interesting to kind of
reflect on that that none ofthis is black and white.
None of us is doing thisperfectly.
We all have those little egosand, like inner voices, that
kind of bubble up, and we, if wecan, like you know, lean into
the tools we have, whether it'sbreathing or pausing or a little
phrase that we rely on.
(11:43):
If we can just keep our mouthshut for like five seconds, we
can almost always manage to notindulge in that.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, you just kind of answered my next question,
but I would like to still expandon it a little bit.
So let's say somebody hasthey're realizing, you know what
, maybe I'm responding in waysthat are not healthy and the way
I shouldn't respond to my kids,or I'm getting mom rage over
silly things, but they haven'tdone the work right To figure
out, like, why am I reactingthis way?
So how do you even, like, startto acknowledge I mean you're,
(12:11):
you're realizing, oh, I don'twant to be this kind of parent,
but how do I?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
how do I change that?
That's just who I am, right,yeah, what's like a practical
first step.
So so in my work, when I'mtalking about raising ourselves
right alongside of our children,what I mean by that is
reparenting the part of you whenyou were a child that did not
get what you deserve.
That doesn't mean you didn'tget anything right Again.
You could have had like afantastic childhood, but maybe
you left childhood with just afew things that you were like
you know what.
I don't want to pass that on.
(12:43):
So, in order to not pass it onto your child, we first have to
be able to give that toourselves.
For example, if we were raisedto believe that our voices
really didn't matter, ouropinions didn't matter, we
couldn't have a differentworldview than our parents, then
we might tend to like shrinkand be small, and then when our
children question our voice, itbrings back all of that like
(13:06):
anger and helplessness, right?
So in our adult lives, how canwe honor our own voice, right?
And that could look like a lotof different things.
That could be setting healthyboundaries, offering your
opinion, even if it's differentfrom someone that you care about
, you know, just like reallyowning your own voice so that
(13:27):
when your child threatens yourvoice or not threatens it, but
you know, kind of pushes backyou can stand sturdy and knowing
that I, my voice, does matterand my child pushing back
doesn't mean that it doesn'tmatter, it means he's, he or she
is doing what children do,right, they push back, and so we
have to be able to giveourselves those gifts that we
(13:47):
didn't get as children, that wedeserve to get.
We can do that as adults andthat's the act really of
reparenting ourselves.
And there's a lot of differentways.
I just use that voice onebecause I do tend to hear that
one a lot.
But even with anger, like a lotof kids were not allowed to be
angry, it was reallyinconvenient, or maybe if you
were a little girl, it was notvery like ladylike, and so
(14:08):
letting yourself be angry andexperience that emotion that
doesn't mean you harm otherpeople, of course, but just
allowing that feeling to existand listening to the messages
behind it, because often angeris a messenger, right, and often
under anger there's a lot ofsadness and grief and fear and
it's really just a bodyguard forall of that.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
And it's a completely natural feeling, natural
emotion right, we all experienceit.
I think the key thing is how wereact in those scenarios and
you mentioned this just a fewminutes ago and I started this
podcast maybe a year and a halfago and I've talked to a a lot
of people and I always say ithas personally helped me so much
as a parent and one of the mainthings that I have learned and
been able to incorporate into mydaily life is I.
(14:50):
I'm going to respond and I'mgoing to respond quickly, Like
that's just the way I alwayshave been, and that's not always
the way we need to be.
In certain scenarios it suitsright, but not at all, and you
mentioned just a few minutes ago, if we can just keep our mouths
shut just for a few seconds, itgives us time to stop ourselves
from saying something thatwe're going to regret and just
(15:10):
also realize.
How do I really want to handlethis situation?
And I feel like I'm just now tothe point in my life where I'm
able to do that.
I don't know if I'm a slowlearner or maybe I'm just now
really starting to pay attentionto it but just the other day,
my husband and I were having alittle disagreement and I just,
I just didn't say anything.
(15:31):
And then, and then later on hewas like I'm sorry, I don't know
what was going on.
I just, you know, it was justkind of grouchy for a minute and
it's so much like me to be likeyou know what about this?
You know I want to say you'rein the wrong, I'm right.
And then that that one instanceof me just not responding right
there, whether it be my husbandor my kids, changed the entire
evening for the better, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
but it's hard because our little egos are just, you
know, making a lot of rack andthey're like I want to say
something and I'm right.
And if we can just like breathethrough that and know that a
lot of that is rooted in fear,it's so much more peaceful.
And I think one of the phrasesthat I lean on in those moments,
whether it's with my husband orone of my kids, is how do I
(16:14):
want to feel on the other sideof this?
And if I can just say thatphrase that takes a few seconds
and sometimes that can diffusesome of my own big feelings that
are coming up because I want tobe proud of myself.
I don't want to.
I really would prefer not tohave to repair.
I mean, I will, of course, butI would like to handle it in a
way that doesn't require anapology an hour later.
(16:35):
So sometimes that can be reallyhelpful in anchoring us.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, I love that.
I'm going to start thinkingabout that and write that down,
put it on a sticky note, becauseif we can just be a little
forward thinking, it can changeeverything.
So one of the things that wetalk a lot about on this show is
how to build communicationskills in our kids, and I know a
lot of it comes from the way wemodel things and the way we
model disagreements and thingslike that.
(17:00):
But what other kind of tips orstrategies do you have, whether
it be for the way we'reresponding to our children or
things that we're activelyteaching them about building
confidence in theircommunication skills?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Yeah Well, I think one of the most important skills
for kids to learn is conflictresolution, and I, you know, of
course we can model that withour partners.
Sometimes it's not very prettyright.
Sometimes we completely missedthe mark and we're like actually
don't do that.
How do we just handle that?
Do the opposite of it.
But, um, something that we do inour house when there are
(17:31):
disagreements.
I kind of like named it alittle bit corny, but we call it
communication station.
I don't think my teenager likeloves the name of it, but it but
we started this a long time agoand it used to be a cute name.
I think he's outgrown it.
But when he and his sister orme and him or me and her or
husband, when there's adisagreement, we just sit down
(17:52):
at this table and we talk aboutit and the requirement is that
you listen.
So one person tells their sideof the story, the other person
tells their side of the story.
You're really not allowed totalk and you must.
You must do your best.
It's I'm not saying it'sentirely possible to withhold
judgment and make snarky faces.
You know what I mean.
(18:12):
It's like practicing that, likerestraint and just listening
with an open mind.
The other person's point ofview.
It's there isn't really a goal.
There isn't like a goal to likemake it all better and hug and
kiss and make up.
It's really just an act of likepracticing listening without
judgment.
And so it kind of goes back towhat we were talking about
earlier is like keeping yourmouth shut a little bit and just
(18:34):
listening and being andsometimes, communication.
The best kind is the listeningkind, where you can just open
your heart up a little bit andsay, ooh, I didn't see it from
that point of view because I wasso angry, I could only see it
from my point of view and I'm.
I need to practice this just asmuch as my kids, right?
(18:54):
So, um, I have to practice thiswith my husband and even
sometimes with my kids, when myyou know, if we're in
disagreement about somethinglike my, my son and I have had
lots of conversation aroundscreen time and sometimes he
brings up really good pointsthat my ego doesn't like, right,
that my pride doesn't like, andI'm like, ooh, that's a really
good point, and I can see thatyou researched that, and now I
have to, like, take that intoconsideration because I'm trying
to build a harmonious home.
(19:16):
So, um, so, yeah, I think justlearning to resolve conflict in
a way that, like, allows them topractice listening without
judgment is one of the bestskills you can teach your kids.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yeah, I agree, and I think listening, the listening
side of the communication realm,is the hardest part for most
people.
Most of us can say what we wantto say, you know, or we can at
least attempt to it, but it is alot harder to after you've done
that, really, really listen andunderstand what's coming from
the other side.
Yeah, absolutely.
(19:48):
These are some great tips, andyou also have a toolkit that
people can access.
That is all about this rightHelping build communication and
confidence and calmness in yourhouse, right?
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah, I would love to .
It's called the Connected KidToolkit and it really pulls
together all of the work that wejust talked about, which is not
only raising your kids in acompassionate, conscious home,
but also raising your little kid, little you.
So there are conversation cardsthat allow you to kind of spark
really cool conversations thatyou might not otherwise have
(20:20):
with your child.
And then there are activitiesthat go along with the cards
that help to bring them to life.
So you're not just readingthese things to your kids, but
you're saying you know what wecould do.
Is this really fun thing?
And they don't have to knowthat it's necessarily bringing
the card to life, but it reallyhelps instill confidence,
resilience, thoughtfulness,generosity into them, so that
the cards aren't just words butthey're like living actions that
(20:42):
they're bringing into theirlives.
And then there's a workbookinside of this toolkit that's
called Reparenting the Youngeryou and it's really all about
connecting with that child partof yourself to kind of explore
and uncover what some of yourown triggers might be, what you
want to tend to with your owninner child, so that you can
(21:03):
give your children what you wantto give them and be the parent
you want to be, because it's allreally connected.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
And that's what I think you know we all want.
We all want to be calm andloving and and and have our kids
look back on these days,obviously with with great
memories, and I wish that Iwould have connected with you so
long ago.
My oldest is 16 and he is amini me.
And so you know sometimes that,sometimes that doesn't always
work right.
(21:30):
We have to learn how to makethat work right.
And they always talk aboutopposites attract right.
My husband and I are oppositesand then our son came along and
he's, you know, just like me.
So I had.
It took me a long time to now Ilook back and realize the
problem was me.
You know what I mean it wasn'tthat he was just a challenging
(21:50):
child.
He was, he was a challengingchild, but I'm sure a lot of
that was because of me.
But we just in the time whenyou're in the moment in the heat
of it.
It's hard to realize that.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
It is, and I just want to acknowledge you for
saying that out loud, because Ithink it takes a lot of courage
and humility, and the humilityis the word I always say, like
if you could sum up parenting inone word, or if you could sum
up parenting in this way in oneword.
It's humility because it justrequires us to just take such
radical ownership of our role inthe relationship.
(22:23):
Right, and yeah, I often say tomyself like maybe it's me,
maybe I'm the problem.
So I love that you're willing todo that Cause that's, that's a
gift that not every kid getsfrom their parents.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
And one last thing for you.
If I know a lot of the parentsthat listen to our podcast or
have kids who are tweens andteens and so like, if they're
thinking, oh my goodness, likeyou know, I'm realizing I've
done a lot of this and not thebest way Is it too late?
Speaker 2 (22:47):
to fix this.
Oh my gosh, it's never too late.
It's never too late and it'sbecause children never want to
stop being securely attached totheir parents.
Now, your child, especiallyyour teen, is never going to say
mom, I really want to besecurely attached to you, so
don't expect that.
But like, deep down, allchildren, even adult children,
want that secure,unconditionally loving
(23:10):
relationship with their parents.
They're wired to want that.
And so, just taking ownershipand just humbling yourself and
saying you know what?
I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about
parenting and I want toapologize for whatever it is you
want to apologize for, and thenasking them and really bracing
yourself and make sure you dothis on a good mental health day
(23:31):
for their feedback and allowingthem to say like you hurt me
here and taking ownership forthat, and then like letting them
know how you're going tocorrect that, moving forward.
So, um, it's absolutely nevertoo late, because you want that
relationship with your kid, theywant it with you and if you can
find a way to take ownershipfor that, I, it can still
(23:54):
absolutely work.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
I love it.
And if you are listening tothis and you're like, yes, I
really need to explore more ofthis, we're going to have links
to Shelly's social medias andher website so you can go check
out the toolkit.
Lots of free resources there aswell, and then opportunities to
dive deeper to you know, really, like you said, reparent
ourselves.
This is a new, a fairly newphrase for me too.
(24:16):
That it's just I'm juststarting to hear more about, but
it's just a word covering likegrowing right.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
We just need to grow right, and that's part of it.
Absolutely, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Well, Shelly, thanks so much for your time.
We appreciate you and be sureto check out all of her great
resources and links.
All right, thank you, elizabeth.
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Shelly Robinson
.
Shelly is a certified consciousparenting coach who helps
parents worldwide breakgenerational cycles to fill
their homes with more compassion, calm and joy, and who doesn't
want more of that in their lives?
When she's not cheering onparents to become more deeply
(00:20):
connected with their kids, youcan find her in the kitchen
baking with her two kids,sneaking in a game of ping pong
with her husband or releasingstress in her weekly boxing
class.
How cool is that?
You do boxing too.
A little bit of everything here.
Shelly, we're so glad to haveyou.
Thanks for being here today.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Thank you, I am so glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
So you devote your life to helping parents find joy
and calmness in our lives.
How did you get to this point,Like where?
What made you think this iswhat I need to do with my life?
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah Well, I've always loved coaching, I've
always loved teaching and itjust has always felt like a
calling to me.
Prior to becoming a coach, Iwas in corporate marketing for
an insurance company.
I had my son almost 15 yearsago and it just didn't feel like
a good values fit any longerand so I started kind of
reinventing my life.
And it wasn't really arounduntil my second child where I
(01:14):
started.
I knew I wanted to be a gentle,kind, compassionate parent.
I didn't really know what thatmeant exactly, but I knew a few
things that I wasn't going to doright.
And then with my second child,my daughter, I just kept bumping
up against this idea that maybeI was a little bit part of the
problem, like when my kid.
You know, when my kids wereacting out or doing things that
(01:37):
I didn't like, my tendency mydefault was to correct them and
make them behave and ensure theywere being compliant, just
doing it in like a gentler way,right.
And it wasn't until that secondchild was born that I my second
child was born.
I thought maybe there'ssomething that is worth
unpacking under my anger and mytriggers and my reflex to be so
(01:59):
upset when they didn't do what Iwanted them to do, and so I was
very new to this.
I didn't at that time know thatit was inner child work or that
I wasn't even really thatfamiliar with reparenting, but I
just knew there were thingsfrom my own childhood that were
kind of sneaking into the way Iwas parenting as an adult.
So I just got really curiousabout that, and once I get
(02:21):
curious about something mytendency is to go like take a
very deep dive.
Here we are, like almost 10years later and I'm still like
so excited about this topic.
But it was really an invitationto me to begin healing some
wounds that I did not want topass on to my own children.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So I'm going to just go right here.
You're talking about.
You know, there were somethings from your childhood that
you knew you didn't want tobring in.
Yeah, Even if somebody isthinking well, you know what, I
had a great childhood, but Istill don't think I'm parenting
in the best way that I can.
Yeah, it's very possible rightthat we it's not.
It doesn't have to be you hadtrauma or serious things happen.
(02:57):
This affects everybody, rightAll?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
parents Absolutely, and I'm so glad you brought that
up, because in theseconversations I often end up
circling back around to that,because I am definitely one of
those people who thought tomyself, gosh, I had a pretty
good childhood, I don't feellike I need to do this inner
child work.
It feels a little woo, you know.
But now that I've been doingthis for so long, I am acutely
aware that none of us exitchildhood unscathed, and even if
(03:22):
it's, maybe our parents got 99%of it right.
But you know, we end upencountering someone influential
in our life, whether it's ateacher or a coach or someone
who we look up to, that maybemisses the mark in how they're
trying to influence us, right,and so those things kind of live
inside of us unconsciously.
And then, when they tend tobubble to the surface, when our
(03:45):
kids do something that remind usof those moments, right, and
I'll just share an example.
When my son was four, we werehaving this argument.
This was really kind of whatcatapulted me into this work.
We were having an argumentabout him getting into the bath.
He didn't want to take a bath,and which is very reasonable and
developmentally normal at thatage, right, but he wasn't
listening to me and putting thatin quotes he wouldn't get in
(04:08):
the bath, and something aboutthis exchange over and over and
over again of him not listeningto me triggered something deeper
than just this is kind ofannoying.
I wish he would just get intothe bath.
It was just this little Shellykind of emerged and locked horns
with my child and it was likemy inner child fighting my own
child because I wanted to beheard.
(04:28):
So there were moments in my ownchildhood whether it was inside
of my home and I don't think itwas intentional, or it was in a
classroom or it was in a churchwhere I felt like my voice
doesn't really matter.
No one really wants to hear whatI want to say, especially when
my voice is, you know, doesn'tagree with the voice in charge.
So it was this like triggerthat bubbled up in that moment
(04:53):
where I was so irrationallyangry with him and I screamed at
him and it awoke something inme that I just I never wanted to
do that again.
I don't know if you've seen themovie Monsters Inc.
Where Sully screams at Boo andthere's this vision of him
screaming at her and she'sscared, and it very much felt
like that moment for me with myson.
(05:14):
He was so little and I was sobig and I didn't want to do that
ever again.
So it really forced me to lookwithin and say where did that
come from?
That's not who I want to be andthat's not who I am as a parent
.
And so it really forced me todig deep and uncover where that
rage was coming from in myself.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
And we hear a lot more about mom rage.
Now it's a trending kind oftopic, Absolutely, but I'm glad.
I mean it sounds terrible,right, Like, oh my goodness,
nobody wants to have mom rage.
But I'm glad that it is a topicthat is kind of trendy because
it makes us feel like, eventhough that we don't want to be
those parents, everybody fallsshort and if we have those
(05:55):
moments we can fix it, we canrecover from that right.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I mean I I would never want to,you know, make parents think
that we're going to do thisperfectly.
We're not, like, no matter howhard we're working and how much
we're healing, we are going tomess up.
I'm repairing every week.
So the goal isn't perfection.
The goal is really compassion,and so when we do mess up, we
(06:19):
forgive ourselves, which givesus the capacity to repair with
our child.
So of course, we're going tocircle back around, explain to
our child that that was nottheir fault in any way and just
make a promise and a commitmentto them that we're working on
improving that and giving themexamples If they're old enough,
like next time I'll do this,I'll step away, I'll take a deep
(06:41):
breath, and I didn't do thatthis time and that wasn't your
fault, and I take responsibilityfor that.
And really it's modeling forthem what that looks like,
because that teaches them how toapologize, right, Because
they're going to mess up.
And we are apologizing in myhouse all the time and I love
that.
And that doesn't mean we'realways yelling at each other,
but I just mean like there's nota lot of ego when it comes to
(07:05):
apologizing in our house, Likemy son just apologized to me the
other day.
I apologized to my daughteryesterday and it's.
It didn't used to be easy forme.
I remember vividly the firsttime I apologized to my son.
He was two and it was like Ilike I wanted to crawl out of my
skin.
It felt so foreign and and nowit's just kind of easy breezy
for the most part.
Most days I'm like yep, Imessed up, Sorry, and we're most
of the time easily forgivingeach other.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
What do you say to the parents that think well, if
I tell my kid to get in the bath, it is their fault if they
don't get in the bath right.
I'm the one in charge.
They're not followinginstructions.
Why should I apologize to them?
You know?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
what do you say to that?
That's a valid question.
I think what helps to softenthat sort of mindset is just
better understanding thedevelopmental expectations of a
kid.
So at that age of four or five,depending on what's going on
like are they playing with a toy, are they really tired?
Like there are just so manyunderlying things that could be
happening underneath the surfacefor that child that it makes
(08:02):
sense for them to push back andit's kind of their job.
Like they're finding their wayin the world, right, they're
trying to find their own voice,and so to just see it through
the lens of it not beingpersonal but rather being
completely developmentallyappropriate, takes the sting out
of it.
Like, oh, they're reallydefying me.
How dare they?
You know, that kind ofauthoritative, ego driven sort
(08:25):
of approach to parenting thatalways ends up with just this
tug of war where someone ends upcrying.
It's either me or the kid, youknow, or maybe both of us.
But yeah, when we say you knowwhat?
Like their brains are stilldeveloping and they're still,
you know, it's their job to pushback.
There's could be a lot of otherreasons happening in the
background that we don't evenknow about, but if we can
(08:46):
approach it in a relational andeven, dare I say, playful, if we
have the capacity as the grownup not all days we do, I get
that, but if we can approach itjust a little more
lightheartedly, it just opens upthe space for the child to
maybe more likely say yes,because when we're being silly
and playful and we're not takingit personally, they're like oh,
I feel energetically that we'reon the same team.
(09:09):
It's not, we're not againsteach other, we're actually like
on the same team and this could,dare I say, be fun to take a
bath, you know, if we can likeget to that point with them.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I love how you said don't take it personally.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
I feel like that's something I struggle with
personally.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Even if somebody disagrees with me at times, I
can take that personally and Ihave to tell myself they're
entitled to their opinion.
This is okay, they're notagainst me, they just disagree
with me.
But we can definitely take thatto the extreme.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
When it's our kids, I feel like oh absolutely and I
think a lot of how our parentsor other adults related to us in
our own childhood.
We don't mean for it to, but itseeps out into like how we
relate to our child.
So if we've got this veryhierarchical, like you know,
top-down sort of approach toparenting where I'm the, it
(09:58):
doesn't mean we can't be theleader, but like I'm the
dictator and they're the childand they do what I say.
That comes up when we're upset,right, that we kind of it's
been like wired into our brainbased on how we were raised and
it doesn't make us bad.
It just means like we have somerewiring to do and some
rewriting of patterns and that's, that's okay.
In fact, I'll share an examplewith you.
(10:18):
A couple of days ago I, um, Iuse my kid's bathroom sometimes
because it's the only bath inthe house and I love taking
baths and I often leave myclothes in there because I hate
putting my.
I'm kind of like a child inthis way where I just kind of
toss my clothes and I'm likeI'll get to them later.
It's fine.
I'm a little type B that wayand my son is not like that and
(10:39):
he he's 14 and he asked me verynicely and I'll tell you where
my ego and me taking itpersonally came into play.
He said Mom, do you mind hesaid it so respectfully Do you
mind just getting your clothesout of the bathroom when you're
done with the bath, becausethey're kind of everywhere and
it's just like cluttering up myspace?
And there was a teeny part of methat was like how dare you Like
(10:59):
just a teeny part?
And I didn't say it, but it wasthere and I was like man after
all, this time that's still.
That's still as wired in there.
Just a little bit.
But I didn't say it, Iacknowledged it and I was like
good to see you.
You're not taking the driver'sseat right now, get in the back.
And I just said sure, I'm sorry, I should have.
I'm like I'm so sorry.
(11:20):
You know, that was silly of meand I'll get them out of there.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
And I haven't.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
I haven't left them there since, but you know, it's
just an interesting like um,it's just interesting to kind of
reflect on that that none ofthis is black and white.
None of us is doing thisperfectly.
We all have those little egosand, like inner voices, that
kind of bubble up, and we, if wecan, like you know, lean into
the tools we have, whether it'sbreathing or pausing or a little
phrase that we rely on.
(11:43):
If we can just keep our mouthshut for like five seconds, we
can almost always manage to notindulge in that.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Well, you just kind of answered my next question,
but I would like to still expandon it a little bit.
So let's say somebody hasthey're realizing, you know what
, maybe I'm responding in waysthat are not healthy and the way
I shouldn't respond to my kids,or I'm getting mom rage over
silly things, but they haven'tdone the work right To figure
out, like, why am I reactingthis way?
So how do you even, like, startto acknowledge I mean you're,
(12:11):
you're realizing, oh, I don'twant to be this kind of parent,
but how do I?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
how do I change that?
That's just who I am, right,yeah, what's like a practical
first step.
So so in my work, when I'mtalking about raising ourselves
right alongside of our children,what I mean by that is
reparenting the part of you whenyou were a child that did not
get what you deserve.
That doesn't mean you didn'tget anything right Again.
You could have had like afantastic childhood, but maybe
you left childhood with just afew things that you were like
you know what.
I don't want to pass that on.
(12:43):
So, in order to not pass it onto your child, we first have to
be able to give that toourselves.
For example, if we were raisedto believe that our voices
really didn't matter, ouropinions didn't matter, we
couldn't have a differentworldview than our parents, then
we might tend to like shrinkand be small, and then when our
children question our voice, itbrings back all of that like
(13:06):
anger and helplessness, right?
So in our adult lives, how canwe honor our own voice, right?
And that could look like a lotof different things.
That could be setting healthyboundaries, offering your
opinion, even if it's differentfrom someone that you care about
, you know, just like reallyowning your own voice so that
(13:27):
when your child threatens yourvoice or not threatens it, but
you know, kind of pushes backyou can stand sturdy and knowing
that I, my voice, does matterand my child pushing back
doesn't mean that it doesn'tmatter, it means he's, he or she
is doing what children do,right, they push back, and so we
have to be able to giveourselves those gifts that we
(13:47):
didn't get as children, that wedeserve to get.
We can do that as adults andthat's the act really of
reparenting ourselves.
And there's a lot of differentways.
I just use that voice onebecause I do tend to hear that
one a lot.
But even with anger, like a lotof kids were not allowed to be
angry, it was reallyinconvenient, or maybe if you
were a little girl, it was notvery like ladylike, and so
(14:08):
letting yourself be angry andexperience that emotion that
doesn't mean you harm otherpeople, of course, but just
allowing that feeling to existand listening to the messages
behind it, because often angeris a messenger, right, and often
under anger there's a lot ofsadness and grief and fear and
it's really just a bodyguard forall of that.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
And it's a completely natural feeling, natural
emotion right, we all experienceit.
I think the key thing is how wereact in those scenarios and
you mentioned this just a fewminutes ago and I started this
podcast maybe a year and a halfago and I've talked to a a lot
of people and I always say ithas personally helped me so much
as a parent and one of the mainthings that I have learned and
been able to incorporate into mydaily life is I.
(14:50):
I'm going to respond and I'mgoing to respond quickly, Like
that's just the way I alwayshave been, and that's not always
the way we need to be.
In certain scenarios it suitsright, but not at all, and you
mentioned just a few minutes ago, if we can just keep our mouths
shut just for a few seconds, itgives us time to stop ourselves
from saying something thatwe're going to regret and just
(15:10):
also realize.
How do I really want to handlethis situation?
And I feel like I'm just now tothe point in my life where I'm
able to do that.
I don't know if I'm a slowlearner or maybe I'm just now
really starting to pay attentionto it but just the other day,
my husband and I were having alittle disagreement and I just,
I just didn't say anything.
(15:31):
And then, and then later on hewas like I'm sorry, I don't know
what was going on.
I just, you know, it was justkind of grouchy for a minute and
it's so much like me to be likeyou know what about this?
You know I want to say you'rein the wrong, I'm right.
And then that that one instanceof me just not responding right
there, whether it be my husbandor my kids, changed the entire
evening for the better, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
but it's hard because our little egos are just, you
know, making a lot of rack andthey're like I want to say
something and I'm right.
And if we can just like breathethrough that and know that a
lot of that is rooted in fear,it's so much more peaceful.
And I think one of the phrasesthat I lean on in those moments,
whether it's with my husband orone of my kids, is how do I
(16:14):
want to feel on the other sideof this?
And if I can just say thatphrase that takes a few seconds
and sometimes that can diffusesome of my own big feelings that
are coming up because I want tobe proud of myself.
I don't want to.
I really would prefer not tohave to repair.
I mean, I will, of course, butI would like to handle it in a
way that doesn't require anapology an hour later.
(16:35):
So sometimes that can be reallyhelpful in anchoring us.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah, I love that.
I'm going to start thinkingabout that and write that down,
put it on a sticky note, becauseif we can just be a little
forward thinking, it can changeeverything.
So one of the things that wetalk a lot about on this show is
how to build communicationskills in our kids, and I know a
lot of it comes from the way wemodel things and the way we
model disagreements and thingslike that.
(17:00):
But what other kind of tips orstrategies do you have, whether
it be for the way we'reresponding to our children or
things that we're activelyteaching them about building
confidence in theircommunication skills?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Yeah Well, I think one of the most important skills
for kids to learn is conflictresolution, and I, you know, of
course we can model that withour partners.
Sometimes it's not very prettyright.
Sometimes we completely missedthe mark and we're like actually
don't do that.
How do we just handle that?
Do the opposite of it.
But, um, something that we do inour house when there are
(17:31):
disagreements.
I kind of like named it alittle bit corny, but we call it
communication station.
I don't think my teenager likeloves the name of it, but it but
we started this a long time agoand it used to be a cute name.
I think he's outgrown it.
But when he and his sister orme and him or me and her or
husband, when there's adisagreement, we just sit down
(17:52):
at this table and we talk aboutit and the requirement is that
you listen.
So one person tells their sideof the story, the other person
tells their side of the story.
You're really not allowed totalk and you must.
You must do your best.
It's I'm not saying it'sentirely possible to withhold
judgment and make snarky faces.
You know what I mean.
(18:12):
It's like practicing that, likerestraint and just listening
with an open mind.
The other person's point ofview.
It's there isn't really a goal.
There isn't like a goal to likemake it all better and hug and
kiss and make up.
It's really just an act of likepracticing listening without
judgment.
And so it kind of goes back towhat we were talking about
earlier is like keeping yourmouth shut a little bit and just
(18:34):
listening and being andsometimes, communication.
The best kind is the listeningkind, where you can just open
your heart up a little bit andsay, ooh, I didn't see it from
that point of view because I wasso angry, I could only see it
from my point of view and I'm.
I need to practice this just asmuch as my kids, right?
(18:54):
So, um, I have to practice thiswith my husband and even
sometimes with my kids, when myyou know, if we're in
disagreement about somethinglike my, my son and I have had
lots of conversation aroundscreen time and sometimes he
brings up really good pointsthat my ego doesn't like, right,
that my pride doesn't like, andI'm like, ooh, that's a really
good point, and I can see thatyou researched that, and now I
have to, like, take that intoconsideration because I'm trying
to build a harmonious home.
(19:16):
So, um, so, yeah, I think justlearning to resolve conflict in
a way that, like, allows them topractice listening without
judgment is one of the bestskills you can teach your kids.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yeah, I agree, and I think listening, the listening
side of the communication realm,is the hardest part for most
people.
Most of us can say what we wantto say, you know, or we can at
least attempt to it, but it is alot harder to after you've done
that, really, really listen andunderstand what's coming from
the other side.
Yeah, absolutely.
(19:48):
These are some great tips, andyou also have a toolkit that
people can access.
That is all about this rightHelping build communication and
confidence and calmness in yourhouse, right?
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah, I would love to .
It's called the Connected KidToolkit and it really pulls
together all of the work that wejust talked about, which is not
only raising your kids in acompassionate, conscious home,
but also raising your little kid, little you.
So there are conversation cardsthat allow you to kind of spark
really cool conversations thatyou might not otherwise have
(20:20):
with your child.
And then there are activitiesthat go along with the cards
that help to bring them to life.
So you're not just readingthese things to your kids, but
you're saying you know what wecould do.
Is this really fun thing?
And they don't have to knowthat it's necessarily bringing
the card to life, but it reallyhelps instill confidence,
resilience, thoughtfulness,generosity into them, so that
the cards aren't just words butthey're like living actions that
(20:42):
they're bringing into theirlives.
And then there's a workbookinside of this toolkit that's
called Reparenting the Youngeryou and it's really all about
connecting with that child partof yourself to kind of explore
and uncover what some of yourown triggers might be, what you
want to tend to with your owninner child, so that you can
(21:03):
give your children what you wantto give them and be the parent
you want to be, because it's allreally connected.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
And that's what I think you know we all want.
We all want to be calm andloving and and and have our kids
look back on these days,obviously with with great
memories, and I wish that Iwould have connected with you so
long ago.
My oldest is 16 and he is amini me.
And so you know sometimes that,sometimes that doesn't always
work right.
(21:30):
We have to learn how to makethat work right.
And they always talk aboutopposites attract right.
My husband and I are oppositesand then our son came along and
he's, you know, just like me.
So I had.
It took me a long time to now Ilook back and realize the
problem was me.
You know what I mean it wasn'tthat he was just a challenging
(21:50):
child.
He was, he was a challengingchild, but I'm sure a lot of
that was because of me.
But we just in the time whenyou're in the moment in the heat
of it.
It's hard to realize that.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
It is, and I just want to acknowledge you for
saying that out loud, because Ithink it takes a lot of courage
and humility, and the humilityis the word I always say, like
if you could sum up parenting inone word, or if you could sum
up parenting in this way in oneword.
It's humility because it justrequires us to just take such
radical ownership of our role inthe relationship.
(22:23):
Right, and yeah, I often say tomyself like maybe it's me,
maybe I'm the problem.
So I love that you're willing todo that Cause that's, that's a
gift that not every kid getsfrom their parents.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
And one last thing for you.
If I know a lot of the parentsthat listen to our podcast or
have kids who are tweens andteens and so like, if they're
thinking, oh my goodness, likeyou know, I'm realizing I've
done a lot of this and not thebest way Is it too late?
Speaker 2 (22:47):
to fix this.
Oh my gosh, it's never too late.
It's never too late and it'sbecause children never want to
stop being securely attached totheir parents.
Now, your child, especiallyyour teen, is never going to say
mom, I really want to besecurely attached to you, so
don't expect that.
But like, deep down, allchildren, even adult children,
want that secure,unconditionally loving
(23:10):
relationship with their parents.
They're wired to want that.
And so, just taking ownershipand just humbling yourself and
saying you know what?
I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about
parenting and I want toapologize for whatever it is you
want to apologize for, and thenasking them and really bracing
yourself and make sure you dothis on a good mental health day
(23:31):
for their feedback and allowingthem to say like you hurt me
here and taking ownership forthat, and then like letting them
know how you're going tocorrect that, moving forward.
So, um, it's absolutely nevertoo late, because you want that
relationship with your kid, theywant it with you and if you can
find a way to take ownershipfor that, I, it can still
(23:54):
absolutely work.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
I love it.
And if you are listening tothis and you're like, yes, I
really need to explore more ofthis, we're going to have links
to Shelly's social medias andher website so you can go check
out the toolkit.
Lots of free resources there aswell, and then opportunities to
dive deeper to you know, really, like you said, reparent
ourselves.
This is a new, a fairly newphrase for me too.
(24:16):
That it's just I'm juststarting to hear more about, but
it's just a word covering likegrowing right.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
We just need to grow right, and that's part of it.
Absolutely, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Well, Shelly, thanks so much for your time.
We appreciate you and be sureto check out all of her great
resources and links.
All right, thank you, elizabeth.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.