{Encore} Building Strong Parenting Connections: Shruti Kumar's Approach to Empathy and Communication
December 23, 2024 • 37 mins
Ever wondered how you can transform your parenting approach to build stronger connections and create a positive environment for your kids? We were fortunate to have Shruti Kumar, a parenting coach, founder of Empowered Connections, and former international lawyer, as our guest who shared her personal parenting struggles and how they led her to help others foster resilience in their children through connection, joy, and empathy.
We dug deep into the art of effective communication, including the power of reflective listening and empathy. By understanding our children's inner world, validating their feelings, and needs, we can build stronger, more positive relationships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Speak Out Standout.
I'm Elizabeth Green and todaywith us we have Shruti Kumar.
Shruti is an internationallawyer turned full-time parent
coach.
Two very different paths careerpath so I'm excited to learn
more about that.
She's also a mom of two and sheworks with parents to help us
parent intentionally so that wecan raise resilient kids through
(00:22):
connection, joy and empathy.
So, shruti, we're super excitedto have you here today and to
learn more from you.
Thanks for your time today.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited too.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Well, first and foremost, I had to ask
international lawyer, full-timeparent coach, both extremely
respectful or respectable jobs,both very much needed, but two
very different ends of thespectrum.
How did you go from one to theother so?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I think it was 2019.
Towards the end of the year, myboss got diagnosed with a
burnout and she quit herpractice and it was going well
and I really love working as aninternational lawyer.
But then, as COVID started, Iwas at home with my daughter all
(01:09):
the time and then I understoodthat this is hard.
Like even before, I was workingfrom home, so I used to spend a
lot of time with her, but I wasalso pregnant with my second
child, so obviously, like I hadhormones raging and I would
sometimes snap and I would yelland I would lose my cool because
(01:30):
there was no way for me to fillmy cup.
And after my son was born, Ikind of noticed a shift in her
behaviors and I also noticedthat there was some kind of
distance between us.
Like she was kind of defyingeverything, doing the opposite
of what we would ask her to do,and it was extremely hard
(01:51):
because, as it is for guilty,that I'm not able to spend as
much time with her.
And then I noticed all thesebehaviors.
So I was really concerned aboutwhere this is going.
Like the few minutes we gettogether we are fighting or we
are arguing about something.
So it didn't feel good, like Icould identify that things that
(02:13):
I never thought would come outof my mouth would come.
I would say those things andthen I would go to bed feeling
extremely guilty and that's whenI decided that okay, this is
not okay.
I want to understand what ishappening for her and how can I
support her through this.
And also, why am I showing upthe way I am showing up?
Why am I so reactive right now?
(02:34):
Of course I was exhausted.
I was sleep deprived and also,if I look at it, it was a huge
change for her to have a siblingand then she started school
that year.
So it was like her worldcompletely changed.
So she was extremely loving tohim.
She never harmed him oranything, but, yes, with us.
I noticed that shift and I didnot want to have a disconnected
(02:57):
relationship.
I wanted to have a lovingrelationship with her, and
that's how I worked with thecoach myself and then I studied
to become one, because I thoughtthat I wish I had, I was taught
all these skills in school orsomething, so that I wouldn't
struggle so much with my ownreactivity, my own default
(03:18):
patterns, my own triggers.
I had, like no way to managethem.
So even I was aware of them,but, like I didn't know how to
calm myself when I was triggered.
So I think awareness reallyhelps.
So that's how I moved from beinga lawyer and I found my passion
in this, because I trulybelieve that we can transform
(03:40):
the world by transforming how weparent, because it is the most
important job in the world.
It's extremely hard and it'sreally important to be
intentional about this, becausethese are the future leaders,
right, these are the futureadults.
So, right, yeah, so we carrylike a responsibility to be to
do this well.
(04:00):
So that's how I thought likeyou know, a lot of us are kind
of parenting on autopilot.
We are not really thinking,we're just, like you know, going
, going with the flow, so, andsometimes we are not mindful,
and I feel like I can trulysupport families, at least
around me, and build a communityfor parents who feel
(04:21):
unsupported.
So that is what, that is what Ireally enjoy doing now and
that's how I made that shift,yeah, so COVID changed things
for me.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I think it did for so many people me as well, that's
whenever I made my shift as well, and I think it's what you said
is everybody, I think everyparent, especially moms, go to
bed and it's, if not every night, but it oftentimes thinking oh,
why did I do that, why did Iraise my voice?
But I lose my temper and thenwe're just in survival mode,
especially when they're little,right, it's like you said, you
(04:53):
know we're parenting with lackof sleep and not feeding
ourselves well and all of thatdefinitely not filling our cups.
So we're just kind of insurvival mode.
And that when does that change?
You know, like if it doesn'tchange, if we don't make that
change as our kids get a littlebit older and we're able to step
back a little bit from being insurvival mode of parents,
newborns and things, so whatyou're doing is completely
(05:15):
needed.
So, and there's so many womenout there I know that are
grateful for you and what you do, thank you.
Well, and today we're talkingabout your specific goals and
ideas for parents to instillstrong communication skills in
our kids and in our, in just ourlives in general.
Right, but definitely buildingthat in our kids, like what you
(05:38):
said, our motto in our business,where we teach, speech and
debate, is creating selfconfidence, one voice at a time,
creating self confidence in ourfuture.
One voice at a time becausethey are absolutely going to be
Be the making all the decisionsbefore we know it.
So how, how do we do that?
I mean, it's very easy to say,let me be mindful, I'm going to
(06:00):
be more intentional.
How can we actually do thosethings?
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Okay.
So that's a really good question.
And so, as you know, becauseyou work with this,
communication is a reallyimportant tool and it kind of
impacts every aspect of ourlives and every relationship in
our life.
It is one of those tools thatwhen we use it well, it can
create great connection andunderstanding.
(06:24):
But when we are not mindful itcan create distance and
misunderstanding.
So that's why I'm reallyexcited to unpack communication
with you.
So when I work with parents, Ioften, like the parents I work
with, tell me that my child justdoesn't listen.
Often that is the case becausewe kind of we kind of confuse
(06:49):
listening with compliance and Imean, if you tell your child
that come on, let's just eatsome chocolate and watch a movie
, you think your child won'tlisten.
I highly doubt that.
So most of the times, like,children are kind of sometimes
distracted, they're too focusedon what they're doing and
sometimes we are also kind oflacking patience.
(07:10):
We are screaming from anotherroom and it doesn't reach them.
So why I'm sharing aboutlistening is because sincere,
empathetic listening is showingsomeone that you truly care and
you want to know what they'retalking about and what they're
feeling and you want to kind ofunderstand their inner world.
So listening kind of buildstrust, it allows for mutual
(07:34):
understanding, it createsconnection and it kind of helps
us avoid miscommunication.
So the goal of communication,in my view, is to truly connect
and to understand.
And often in the parent-childdynamic, what happens is that we
kind of, because we love ourchildren so much, we are so
protective of them, we assumethe role of a fixer.
(07:55):
So because we are so focused onfixing and protecting our kids,
we are sometimes not listeningto them, and that's why it is.
And, like you said that it isnice to say that, yeah, we have
to be mindful in ourcommunication.
But how do we do that?
Because it does sound wonderful, but it is extremely hard to
listen for a lot of us becauseour lives are busy and we have
(08:20):
things to do, we have place tobe, we have obligations, we have
long to-do lists.
So it's very important to beintentional about it.
Like, first of all, can we slowdown and show up and commit to
maybe setting aside sometimeduring the day to just listen to
(08:40):
our children, where we are nottalking?
Like, sometimes I have to dothis while I'm listening to my
child because I mean, I don'tknow if a lot of people notice.
But we all interrupt, like,because obviously our kids'
brains they're not thatdeveloped yet.
Their brains work much slowerthan us, so it takes them time
(09:01):
to process what their feelingsare, what their emotions are,
what their desires are or whatis happening for them and we are
in a rush.
So it's important, first of all, to be intentional about it.
We need to slow down and maybe,if it is really hard for us,
start with two minutes a day.
Two minutes, I'm just going tolet my child speak and not
(09:24):
interrupt any like, not evenonce, right, so that can be one
way.
And the second thing is to kindof move away from the role of a
fixer, because I'll give you anexample If our child comes to
us and says that you know, myfriends really dislike me,
nobody wants to play with me atschool, we feel bad for them,
(09:46):
right, and we immediately gointo.
But Chloe plays with you, don'tfeel sad, everyone loves you.
So it's very well intended.
But the thing is that the childdoesn't feel seen when we do
this, because we are focused onfixing, right, so we are kind of
denying or dismissing theirexperience, right.
So this can sometimes escalatethe problem, because the child
(10:09):
may not want to communicate withyou because they will feel like
my parent doesn't get me, right.
So it also teaches them to notknow what their feelings are and
not to trust them.
Right, like they wouldn't.
They might feel like, okay,maybe it's just in my head,
right, like a lot of us grown upadults sometimes do that.
It's just a phase that I'mgoing through.
We don't even recognize thatwe're completely burnt out or we
(10:33):
really need help right now.
So the right kind of listeningcan help our children divulge
what's going on their minds nowand also in the future.
So, and the thing is that oftenchildren are only wanting to
kind of unpack what's on theirheads and their hearts, right,
and they're not looking for asolution.
(10:55):
They're kind of looking for asounding board, right, they want
a safe space where they will beaccepted for who they are.
They won't be judged, right.
So, and children don't want totalk when they don't feel
understood, because they'll feellike I'm going to get a lecture
or someone is going to come andinvalidate my feelings.
Right, we are in trouble.
(11:16):
A lot of us don't go to ourparents because you know we
probably will be shut down ortold that you know, be grateful.
So that's like dismissing achild's feelings, right?
So if, when it feels safe totalk to someone, we often have
that one friend right when weare in stress, we can call
because we know that this feelslike a safe space, because this
(11:39):
person feels like he understandsme or gets me, so I can kind of
talk here.
So.
So I think communication beginswith listening.
That's the most important partof communication and I think
that would be a tool that I canshare for the parents who are
(11:59):
listening to this, that it'sreally important to listen
intently and also try our verybest to not interrupt.
So you know, because there aretwo kinds of listening, so there
is active listening and thereis reflective listening, and we
are not looking for perfection,because we are not going to do
(12:19):
this right every day becauselife happens, but we are trying
to be intentional and committingto showing up right Like, okay,
I'm going to try this, I'mgoing to try this for a week,
I'm going to try my best to notinterrupt and even if we do, we
are not like shaming ourselvesfor it, but we are just noticing
our urges to interrupt eachtime, right?
(12:41):
So active listening isessentially listening without
giving our evaluation orjudgment on what we just heard,
but just kind of acknowledgingwhat we heard.
And then reflective listening ismaybe sharing the essence of
what we heard, just to let thespeaker know that we got what
(13:02):
you're trying to say.
Right, we got it becausesometimes, like when I come down
and let's say, the dishes arenot done, I am Brooding and I'm
saying that if I don't do thedishes, nobody will do the
dishes right, and and then youknow it will go in that
direction where my husband willsay, but I do so many other
things, but the essence is lost,right Like Because I did not
(13:25):
communicate it well and he didnot receive it well, because I
went from a space of attackinghim Because I was feeling
helpless.
So it's also important how wecommunicate.
So I wanted to begin with whylistening is so important and so
, yes, reflective listening alsokind of helps a child feel seen
(13:47):
, heard and appreciated, rightLike in the example that I gave
you.
If you can say, okay, so howdoes that make you feel?
Like that could be a questionwhen, when you, you know, when
your friends don't play with you.
So that's where, that's wherewe are giving them room to share
their inner world with us.
So, and the next importantaspect of communication,
(14:09):
according to me, is empathy.
It's like Super integral foreffective communication, because
if I let this tub my toe andSomebody tells me, oh, you're
okay, you know, be happy that itwasn't, you didn't get hurt
very badly, I'll be probablyreally annoyed.
Yeah, I want someone to kind ofmatch with me.
(14:32):
I don't want anyone to feelsorry for me because I mean,
that's not what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for empathy.
That ouch, that hurts, Are youokay?
Like kind of matching ourchildren in there in in their
intensity?
So?
So that is what I mean byempathy, like where we are kind
of Not feeling for them butfeeling with them.
(14:53):
That, ah, that sucks.
So Because how our kids feelAffect their behavior.
If you're not feeling good,then we are not behaving well
either.
So how can we build empathy inour children is by giving their
feelings a name, because a lotof the time, while kids are
(15:16):
developed enough to feel all thefeelings, they're not there yet
.
They don't know how to regulatetheir feelings yet because, as
I said, their brains aredeveloping in the first two,
three decades of their lives.
So it's, it's a skill.
It's like learning to ride abike, right, but because they're
so big, sometimes we assumethat you know they should know
(15:37):
this.
But it is, it is.
It is hard for them.
And empathy is essentially ourability to Attune to our own
inner world and name ourfeelings and needs.
And so when we name ourfeelings and needs, it kind of
strengthens the Emotionalprocessing centers in our brains
.
And when we meet our childrenwith empathy, we are
strengthening, strengtheningtheir emotional regulators in
(15:59):
their brains.
So if we want our children tobe emotionally mature, we just
meet them with Affirmation,validation and understanding of
their inner world and not withjudgment, for example, and I
feel like so.
So nonviolent communication isis something where they talk
about Observation versusevaluation, and when I started
(16:22):
that it really felt sochallenging.
Like often when we go to amessy room, our first Instinct
is to say you know how badlyyou've kept your room?
It's so messy.
We live in a pigsty right.
So these are all evaluationstatements.
They may be true for you, butthe.
So what I learned in not withnonviolent communication is that
(16:44):
we just Say what we see, wejust describe it right, like the
clothes are on the floor itkind of Probably gives.
First of all it's not attackingand also the child kind of has
an opportunity to come up with asolution.
Okay, I put it in the laundrybasket, we give them room.
But when we go with the watermessy room it's often kind of
(17:07):
backfires.
So it's important to observeand not evaluate.
So it's it's like one of thosecorpillers.
So there are four corpillers innonviolent communication.
So this is the one that I thinkI struggle with the most,
because if I come downstairs andI see a kitchen full of dishes
everywhere, like I will besaying thing, it is very hard
(17:30):
for me to just not evaluate.
So but, as I said, it's like alot of baby steps we have to
make, because all through ourlives we have been so used to
talking like this and that's howour children also learn,
because we are modeling that forthem.
So it's very important to bevery objective and neutral,
(17:57):
which sometimes, as humans, isvery hard, especially when we
are feeling big feelingsourselves.
So, for example, often I catchmyself in the morning saying
that when my daughter is likewhining about everything, I
don't want to go to school, Ican't get ready, I often feel
that I need to stop complaining.
We do this every day.
(18:17):
You've got to stay up late.
Now you should, and you knowyou've got you woke up late and
you should be grateful.
You'll be late for school.
So we all go into this lecturemode.
But imagine how it would feelfor her if I say that, yes, I
hear you, you wish you couldsleep for longer, or you know, I
wish that too, maybe one day inyou and I will just sleep in
the morning and not go to work,and it is time to get ready for
(18:42):
school.
So should we hop like bunniesor slither like snakes?
So I am kind of meeting herwhere she's at.
I'm adding playfulness becausethat's age appropriate for where
she's, at which there is moreroom for her to invite
cooperation.
But when I go into the stopcomplaining, stop whining we
kind of get into this powerstruggle where we are both just
(19:06):
stuck.
She's seeing the same thing,I'm seeing the same thing, with
just higher and higher intensity.
So empathy can often diffuse alot of situations, like if a
child goes into a shop and saysI want that toy and you don't
want to buy that toy.
You can empathize with them andgrant them their feelings in
wishes.
You really wish you had thattoy.
How about we put it on yourwish list?
(19:28):
When it's your birthday we canrevisit whether you still need
it and then we can buy it foryou.
So it's not like you have togive in to everything the child
is asking for, but you're kindof empathizing with what their
need and wants are, at least infantasy or something.
If my daughter wakes up with Iwant to eat chocolate for
(19:49):
breakfast, I would say wow, yeah, that would be awesome if we
could just wake up in Candy Landand eat chocolate all day.
So that also, like when I sayno, no chocolate for breakfast,
that also is like I'm stillsaying no, but I'm just not
being I don't know how to putthis but yes, I'm saying it in a
(20:11):
way that would help her feel,seen that, hey, okay, my mom
gets me, she gets this feeling,and this happens often in my
house, especially with cleaningup.
So when I say that the room isdirty, she said I don't feel
like cleaning up, and of courseI can go into what you have to,
but what I do first before thatis that, yeah, you know,
(20:32):
sometimes I don't feel likecleaning up either.
Sometimes I just see a sinkfull of dishes and I feel like I
don't want to do this.
So I am kind of empathizingwith her and saying that, hey, I
get it.
And what do you think willhappen if I don't do the dishes?
Then she says we will have noplates to eat.
So then she is problem solvingherself.
(20:54):
So sometimes we, as parents, gointo the lecture mode where we
feel the need to, you know, tellthem no, that's not how it's
done, that's you have to do this.
But when we are coming from aplace of empathy, we can invite
cooperation and we can by just,you know, asking them what about
cleaning up feels hard for you?
Is it picking up the toys orputting them away?
(21:16):
You know, okay, how about?
We start small?
We start with can you put awayfive blocks, you know?
And then we do the orange tiles.
So you know something like that, where we are taking it one
step at a time, because this ishow we build skills for them,
right?
So we are working with them, weare collaborating with them.
So so, yeah, so empathy is likereally, really it's like an
(21:42):
empowered parent superpower.
If we can empathize, we candiffuse most of the power
struggles and if we can justtruly listen to what the child
is saying instead of assumingwhat they said, that can, like,
really help us, you know, havefar less power struggles with
our kids and you know also, weare modeling it for them, the
(22:04):
better way of communicating it.
So sometimes I catch myself,like when I'm in a really angry
zone and I'm screaming that no,we are not doing that.
And if I catch myself, you know, we can always have a redo.
I can always say that, hey,sorry, I don't like how I said
that, let me try again.
So I'm kind of also modeling itfor her that we all lose it
(22:29):
sometimes and we get angry andwe get reactive, but we can
always repair, we can always tryagain.
So, yes, I feel like when wecan listen truly and we can
empathize, we can really have awonderful relationship with our
(22:50):
children and we can also modelfor them.
You know how we can communicateto others as well, right, If we
interrupt them every time theytalk, we can't expect them to
interrupt us when we talk withadults, which happens, right.
So it's very important that ifwe are wanting to teach them
(23:11):
some skills, that we aremodeling it ourselves Absolutely
.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Yeah, and I feel like you know.
I feel like most peopleprobably think you know I'm an
empathetic person, you know.
But what you said in theexamples you gave, like getting
ready for school, why are youwhining about us?
We do this every day andinstead of like that's what we
see right but understanding tothem, these are valid feelings.
This is a big deal to them Eventhough to us it's like this is
(23:38):
our routine.
This is what we do.
You know what?
I mean, but to them it's a bigdeal and I think just being able
to back up and see that thateven if it's something that we
think is silly.
They shouldn't be upset over,right?
Yes, that if they're upsetabout it, it is for a reason.
Their little problems to us arebig problems to them.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Absolutely, because, yeah, I've seen sometimes when
my son cries about the blue bowland because he didn't get the
green bowl, it feels like what'sthe big deal?
It's a bowl, but for them it isright, because how much
autonomy do they have in a day?
Right, that's one thing thatthey really want to decide what
bowl they eat and come and takethat away.
(24:22):
So it's very important.
Sometimes, like as parents, theproblem is that we just see the
tip of the iceberg, we don'tkind of look beneath what's
happening for them, and I thinkthat is that often causes
because we are only seeing thisthat, okay, you know what is the
big deal?
What if I just gave you someother bowl?
(24:43):
The other bowl is gone for awash, right, but if you can just
pause for one second there andsay that you really wanted the
green bowl, it's in the wash,can we try some other bowl?
Of course, they can still say,no, I only want that one, and
then we just wash it and give it.
But it's basically what I'mtrying to say is that we have to
sometimes understand that whatis the deeper need here?
(25:05):
It's not about the bowl, it'sabout that they want control and
that is something that is ashared human need.
We all want control, right?
Like if you, let's say, if yourpartner tells you that today
you're sleeping on this side ofthe bed, I don't think we are
going to appreciate that, likewhy, that's not my side, right?
(25:27):
So we all kind of like control.
We all kind of like things in acertain way, and that is true
for our kids.
And you are right, like a lotof us while growing up had our
positive feelings, validated andwelcome, but whenever it was
negative feelings, it was notreally welcome.
Right, you can't get so angryabout this, right, like you have
(25:50):
to share and you have to dothis.
So what happens is that youfeel like, okay, so I'm not
allowed to feel the way I wantto feel what is naturally coming
up for me, and that's how youlearn to suppress and that's how
you kind of the distance buildswhere you don't feel that it's
safe to talk to my parent aboutthis, right, and that's the kind
(26:14):
of relationships Like, ofcourse, like you still love your
parents and they love you too,but it's just that when we can
truly meet them where they're at, we create that safety where
they feel safe enough to sharetheir experience or challenges
with us.
Otherwise they will be likeokay, my parent doesn't get me,
(26:35):
you know, so I don't want to doit.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
And that's the last thing we want as they become
teenagers and all of that wherewe really need them to talk to
us at times.
You know Exactly.
So, I just wanted to like goback to one last thing before we
wrap up.
You said earlier that reallystuck out to me about saying
when we tell them, no, it's okay, like if they oh, you bumped
your knee, you're okay, you'reokay and creating that sense of
(26:59):
self doubt.
I've never thought about that,I've never heard that idea
before, and that is so.
I think we all want, more thananything, to raise happy,
confident, kind humans, right?
Yes, so just such a littlething of creating self doubt in
them that's going to affecttheir confidence is that's huge.
So I'm so glad you gave thatexample and that is brand new to
(27:21):
me and it's like made my braingo like oh, wow, you know,
that's the last thing we want isto create self doubt in our
children.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Yeah, and often, like , sometimes, like, the check I
do with myself these days isthat, would I say that to an
adult, right, right, like, I'llprobably not say that to an
adult, so why is it okay to sayto a child, right, it's hurting
for them.
So I'm not saying, like, make abig deal and make them more
self conscious, but, yes, like,just acknowledge that.
Ah, that hurt Like.
(27:48):
You know, can I, can I help?
Can I, you know, offer you anice pack, or can I give you a
kiss or a hug?
So often we do that also, butit's just that we miss the first
step, which is empathizing.
And also, I think the fixer isthe is something that often
comes up with most parents,because they just want to, like,
(28:11):
get it Right, right Like, theywant to fix it, like our child
shouldn't face any problems inlife.
It's just very, it's comingfrom a very good place, but it
doesn't really set them up forsuccess.
And and while I say that, youknow about the empathy, that the
only way we can welcome theirnegative feelings is by first of
(28:32):
all, understanding forourselves that all feelings are
valid and welcome.
My negative feelings are validand welcome, and their negative
feelings are valid and welcome.
And so, you know, true empathycan only come when we also have
self empathy, and often a lot ofus don't practice that with
ourselves, right Like, that'shard for a lot of us to really
(28:57):
empathize and understand.
Hey, yeah, I did that becauseyou know, like I said, that we
feel the guilt when we snap atour kids but we don't recognize.
Hey, but I haven't slept indays and I'm probably really
exhausted.
Or you know, I had one mealwithout getting up 15 times
during the meal.
So it's just like you know,offering ourselves that grace
(29:18):
and also to our kids, and it'swhen it's so when I see that
whole space for their feelings.
It's also important tocommunicate our feelings, right
Like, I can tell my daughterthat I am feeling really
frustrated, that I have to pickup after everyone and I'm really
longing for support.
So I am clarifying what myfeeling is without making her
(29:40):
responsible.
I'm not saying that I'm feelingdisappointed because you never
helped me, because that will puther.
She will try to defend herself,like any human would.
Right, like, if I say that tomy husband, he would also
probably.
But hey, I picked up the trash,I did that, I did this.
So then, like the idea is tokind of owning our feelings and
(30:01):
expressing what our feelings andwhat our needs are, without
making that anyone else'sresponsibility.
We can like if we, if we makedemands, there are very few,
like less, chances, becausenobody likes being told what to
do.
Right, like if some.
If my husband comes and tellsme come on, do the dishes,
probably I may not like that,but if he tells me that, hey, I
(30:24):
see that you've had a long dayand I saw the dishes on the
kitchen counter, do you?
If in a while, like you know,let's chat for a bit and then
maybe in a while we can do ittogether, I'll be more receptive
to that.
Like, if we feel bossed aroundconstantly, it's not going to
feel nice and so that's why,like it's also another thing and
with communication is that it'svery important to communicate
(30:49):
without an agenda.
Like we don't talk to our kidsonly when there is something
wrong.
That, hey, I noticed that themornings are really hard
Sometimes.
Like what we can do is that wecan just go and join them in
whatever they're doing, like ifthey're little kids.
Like if my daughter is justplaying with a Lego or something
I'm going to go build with herfor a bit and, you know,
(31:11):
literally have a good timebefore I bring up anything.
And then, once we are bothfeeling regulated, that's when I
talk about, hey, I see thatmornings are a little bit hard.
What can we do to make it a bit, you know, smooth and
comfortable for all of us?
So Then she, she'd say some.
So then she'll say somethingthat, but I wanted to play in
(31:32):
the morning.
So then I say, okay, how aboutwe go to bed early, so we wake
up early and we have time for agame.
So then we are, you know,collaborating, we are, you know,
understanding, and so I amexpressing my concern that I,
I'm sharing my value, I'msharing my boundary, I'm sharing
that I really like to bepunctual.
I don't like to, you know, goto places late and I don't want
(31:55):
to, I don't want you to go toschool late.
So how can we make sure thatyou know your needs are met?
My needs are met, right, right.
So what is happening for you?
Why is this difficult for you?
So then she says that, yeah,because I don't feel like waking
up, I'm feeling tired.
And Then she said somethinglike can I lie down on the couch
while you eat breakfast for me,I said, sure, we can do that.
So when I'm coming from a spaceof not attacking and Blaming
(32:21):
this on her or accusing her,there is more room for
collaboration.
But when I come from a space ofyou know, I mean business and
this needs to be done, there ismore resistance.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Absolutely, as would be with anybody, like you said,
right anytime we start aconversation like that, whether
it be a partner, a child, aco-worker- Anything you know
yeah, we're setting the stagefor their reaction right there.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Yes, so so, first, like the like the non-violent
communication has, like, fourcore pillars.
So, first is like, observingand not evaluating.
And the second is feelingsunderstanding the your
communication partners, feelingsand also your feelings.
And the third is understandingyour needs.
Right, like what?
(33:07):
What is your needs?
And not like, so need isessentially not not a strategy
on how to meet the need like,but you're sharing that.
I would like more support in thehouse.
I feel like I feel a littleoverwhelmed with the amount
there is to, you know, clean up.
So how are you willing to helpme?
So then, I am not saying thatyou have to do this, but I'm
(33:29):
giving room for some choice andsome control.
Okay, these are the tasks thatneed to be done.
Where are you willing tosupport me?
Right, so, you know.
So needs are stating that myneed is support here.
My need is like collaboration,my need is ease.
I don't want to feel stressedand overworked and overwhelmed,
so I'm sharing my feeling and myneed.
(33:50):
And then we go into the lastpillar, which is requests versus
demands.
Right, like, we are requesting,we are not making demands.
Our request can be met with ano, and then we can Discuss
further on how can we make myneeds and your needs meet, right
(34:10):
, like, if I say that, would yoube willing to put the trash out
?
And if my, my daughter, says,and no, I don't enjoy doing that
, can I do the laundry instead?
So I would be like, okay, fine,we can try that, right so.
So we have to kind of be notattached to the endgame, to the
(34:30):
like, you know, the Desiredresult.
We have to be also kind offlexible in how else can we be
supported, right, like.
And also it's very importantthat whatever we are asking from
our kids is age-appropriate,it's not something that they're
not capable of doing.
So because that will just, youknow, that will just make it
(34:53):
Challenging, because they won'tdo it, and then we'll get
annoyed again.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
Yeah, it just adds to the frustration, right, the
level of frustration there.
Yeah, I think this was.
I mean, this was really reallyhelpful and yeah, you like give
lots of tidbits and strategiesthat I'm taking away.
I was taking notes as we chatand the things that I can start
Implementing and you just openedmy brain to seeing things in a
different way.
So I love the way you youstated things today.
And, Trudy, you are a coach andyou are offering something
(35:21):
special to a few of ourlisteners, right?
So if you're interested inmeeting with Trudy and learning
more and diving into this moreon a personal level, you are,
tell us a little bit about whatwhat you're offering five of our
listeners.
I think yes.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
So, the first five listeners, if this, you know,
chat inspires you and you wantto, you know, become more
intentional in your parentingjourney, you can send me a DM or
you can send me a mail and Ican offer you one free coaching
session with whatever you'rechallenging, and the session
(35:56):
will be like 45 minutes long andyou can ask me anything.
Any challenge that comes up foryou.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Fantastic and we will link to all of that so it's
super easy for people to toreach out to you and just let
her know that you heard herehere on speak out, stand out and
are interested in learning more.
So sure to you get reallyappreciate your insight, your
expertise, your passion aboutthis.
It's very clear that this isreally important to you and
Helping other moms out there,because the more support we have
(36:24):
, the better we all are.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I love doing this with you,thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Thank you, yeah, thank you.
Welcome back to Speak Out Standout.
I'm Elizabeth Green and todaywith us we have Shruti Kumar.
Shruti is an internationallawyer turned full-time parent
coach.
Two very different paths careerpath so I'm excited to learn
more about that.
She's also a mom of two and sheworks with parents to help us
parent intentionally so that wecan raise resilient kids through
(00:22):
connection, joy and empathy.
So, shruti, we're super excitedto have you here today and to
learn more from you.
Thanks for your time today.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited too.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Well, first and foremost, I had to ask
international lawyer, full-timeparent coach, both extremely
respectful or respectable jobs,both very much needed, but two
very different ends of thespectrum.
How did you go from one to theother so?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I think it was 2019.
Towards the end of the year, myboss got diagnosed with a
burnout and she quit herpractice and it was going well
and I really love working as aninternational lawyer.
But then, as COVID started, Iwas at home with my daughter all
(01:09):
the time and then I understoodthat this is hard.
Like even before, I was workingfrom home, so I used to spend a
lot of time with her, but I wasalso pregnant with my second
child, so obviously, like I hadhormones raging and I would
sometimes snap and I would yelland I would lose my cool because
(01:30):
there was no way for me to fillmy cup.
And after my son was born, Ikind of noticed a shift in her
behaviors and I also noticedthat there was some kind of
distance between us.
Like she was kind of defyingeverything, doing the opposite
of what we would ask her to do,and it was extremely hard
(01:51):
because, as it is for guilty,that I'm not able to spend as
much time with her.
And then I noticed all thesebehaviors.
So I was really concerned aboutwhere this is going.
Like the few minutes we gettogether we are fighting or we
are arguing about something.
So it didn't feel good, like Icould identify that things that
(02:13):
I never thought would come outof my mouth would come.
I would say those things andthen I would go to bed feeling
extremely guilty and that's whenI decided that okay, this is
not okay.
I want to understand what ishappening for her and how can I
support her through this.
And also, why am I showing upthe way I am showing up?
Why am I so reactive right now?
(02:34):
Of course I was exhausted.
I was sleep deprived and also,if I look at it, it was a huge
change for her to have a siblingand then she started school
that year.
So it was like her worldcompletely changed.
So she was extremely loving tohim.
She never harmed him oranything, but, yes, with us.
I noticed that shift and I didnot want to have a disconnected
(02:57):
relationship.
I wanted to have a lovingrelationship with her, and
that's how I worked with thecoach myself and then I studied
to become one, because I thoughtthat I wish I had, I was taught
all these skills in school orsomething, so that I wouldn't
struggle so much with my ownreactivity, my own default
(03:18):
patterns, my own triggers.
I had, like no way to managethem.
So even I was aware of them,but, like I didn't know how to
calm myself when I was triggered.
So I think awareness reallyhelps.
So that's how I moved from beinga lawyer and I found my passion
in this, because I trulybelieve that we can transform
(03:40):
the world by transforming how weparent, because it is the most
important job in the world.
It's extremely hard and it'sreally important to be
intentional about this, becausethese are the future leaders,
right, these are the futureadults.
So, right, yeah, so we carrylike a responsibility to be to
do this well.
(04:00):
So that's how I thought likeyou know, a lot of us are kind
of parenting on autopilot.
We are not really thinking,we're just, like you know, going
, going with the flow, so, andsometimes we are not mindful,
and I feel like I can trulysupport families, at least
around me, and build a communityfor parents who feel
(04:21):
unsupported.
So that is what, that is what Ireally enjoy doing now and
that's how I made that shift,yeah, so COVID changed things
for me.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I think it did for so many people me as well, that's
whenever I made my shift as well, and I think it's what you said
is everybody, I think everyparent, especially moms, go to
bed and it's, if not every night, but it oftentimes thinking oh,
why did I do that, why did Iraise my voice?
But I lose my temper and thenwe're just in survival mode,
especially when they're little,right, it's like you said, you
(04:53):
know we're parenting with lackof sleep and not feeding
ourselves well and all of thatdefinitely not filling our cups.
So we're just kind of insurvival mode.
And that when does that change?
You know, like if it doesn'tchange, if we don't make that
change as our kids get a littlebit older and we're able to step
back a little bit from being insurvival mode of parents,
newborns and things, so whatyou're doing is completely
(05:15):
needed.
So, and there's so many womenout there I know that are
grateful for you and what you do, thank you.
Well, and today we're talkingabout your specific goals and
ideas for parents to instillstrong communication skills in
our kids and in our, in just ourlives in general.
Right, but definitely buildingthat in our kids, like what you
(05:38):
said, our motto in our business,where we teach, speech and
debate, is creating selfconfidence, one voice at a time,
creating self confidence in ourfuture.
One voice at a time becausethey are absolutely going to be
Be the making all the decisionsbefore we know it.
So how, how do we do that?
I mean, it's very easy to say,let me be mindful, I'm going to
(06:00):
be more intentional.
How can we actually do thosethings?
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Okay.
So that's a really good question.
And so, as you know, becauseyou work with this,
communication is a reallyimportant tool and it kind of
impacts every aspect of ourlives and every relationship in
our life.
It is one of those tools thatwhen we use it well, it can
create great connection andunderstanding.
(06:24):
But when we are not mindful itcan create distance and
misunderstanding.
So that's why I'm reallyexcited to unpack communication
with you.
So when I work with parents, Ioften, like the parents I work
with, tell me that my child justdoesn't listen.
Often that is the case becausewe kind of we kind of confuse
(06:49):
listening with compliance and Imean, if you tell your child
that come on, let's just eatsome chocolate and watch a movie
, you think your child won'tlisten.
I highly doubt that.
So most of the times, like,children are kind of sometimes
distracted, they're too focusedon what they're doing and
sometimes we are also kind oflacking patience.
(07:10):
We are screaming from anotherroom and it doesn't reach them.
So why I'm sharing aboutlistening is because sincere,
empathetic listening is showingsomeone that you truly care and
you want to know what they'retalking about and what they're
feeling and you want to kind ofunderstand their inner world.
So listening kind of buildstrust, it allows for mutual
(07:34):
understanding, it createsconnection and it kind of helps
us avoid miscommunication.
So the goal of communication,in my view, is to truly connect
and to understand.
And often in the parent-childdynamic, what happens is that we
kind of, because we love ourchildren so much, we are so
protective of them, we assumethe role of a fixer.
(07:55):
So because we are so focused onfixing and protecting our kids,
we are sometimes not listeningto them, and that's why it is.
And, like you said that it isnice to say that, yeah, we have
to be mindful in ourcommunication.
But how do we do that?
Because it does sound wonderful, but it is extremely hard to
listen for a lot of us becauseour lives are busy and we have
(08:20):
things to do, we have place tobe, we have obligations, we have
long to-do lists.
So it's very important to beintentional about it.
Like, first of all, can we slowdown and show up and commit to
maybe setting aside sometimeduring the day to just listen to
(08:40):
our children, where we are nottalking?
Like, sometimes I have to dothis while I'm listening to my
child because I mean, I don'tknow if a lot of people notice.
But we all interrupt, like,because obviously our kids'
brains they're not thatdeveloped yet.
Their brains work much slowerthan us, so it takes them time
(09:01):
to process what their feelingsare, what their emotions are,
what their desires are or whatis happening for them and we are
in a rush.
So it's important, first of all, to be intentional about it.
We need to slow down and maybe,if it is really hard for us,
start with two minutes a day.
Two minutes, I'm just going tolet my child speak and not
(09:24):
interrupt any like, not evenonce, right, so that can be one
way.
And the second thing is to kindof move away from the role of a
fixer, because I'll give you anexample If our child comes to
us and says that you know, myfriends really dislike me,
nobody wants to play with me atschool, we feel bad for them,
(09:46):
right, and we immediately gointo.
But Chloe plays with you, don'tfeel sad, everyone loves you.
So it's very well intended.
But the thing is that the childdoesn't feel seen when we do
this, because we are focused onfixing, right, so we are kind of
denying or dismissing theirexperience, right.
So this can sometimes escalatethe problem, because the child
(10:09):
may not want to communicate withyou because they will feel like
my parent doesn't get me, right.
So it also teaches them to notknow what their feelings are and
not to trust them.
Right, like they wouldn't.
They might feel like, okay,maybe it's just in my head,
right, like a lot of us grown upadults sometimes do that.
It's just a phase that I'mgoing through.
We don't even recognize thatwe're completely burnt out or we
(10:33):
really need help right now.
So the right kind of listeningcan help our children divulge
what's going on their minds nowand also in the future.
So, and the thing is that oftenchildren are only wanting to
kind of unpack what's on theirheads and their hearts, right,
and they're not looking for asolution.
(10:55):
They're kind of looking for asounding board, right, they want
a safe space where they will beaccepted for who they are.
They won't be judged, right.
So, and children don't want totalk when they don't feel
understood, because they'll feellike I'm going to get a lecture
or someone is going to come andinvalidate my feelings.
Right, we are in trouble.
(11:16):
A lot of us don't go to ourparents because you know we
probably will be shut down ortold that you know, be grateful.
So that's like dismissing achild's feelings, right?
So if, when it feels safe totalk to someone, we often have
that one friend right when weare in stress, we can call
because we know that this feelslike a safe space, because this
(11:39):
person feels like he understandsme or gets me, so I can kind of
talk here.
So.
So I think communication beginswith listening.
That's the most important partof communication and I think
that would be a tool that I canshare for the parents who are
(11:59):
listening to this, that it'sreally important to listen
intently and also try our verybest to not interrupt.
So you know, because there aretwo kinds of listening, so there
is active listening and thereis reflective listening, and we
are not looking for perfection,because we are not going to do
(12:19):
this right every day becauselife happens, but we are trying
to be intentional and committingto showing up right Like, okay,
I'm going to try this, I'mgoing to try this for a week,
I'm going to try my best to notinterrupt and even if we do, we
are not like shaming ourselvesfor it, but we are just noticing
our urges to interrupt eachtime, right?
(12:41):
So active listening isessentially listening without
giving our evaluation orjudgment on what we just heard,
but just kind of acknowledgingwhat we heard.
And then reflective listening ismaybe sharing the essence of
what we heard, just to let thespeaker know that we got what
(13:02):
you're trying to say.
Right, we got it becausesometimes, like when I come down
and let's say, the dishes arenot done, I am Brooding and I'm
saying that if I don't do thedishes, nobody will do the
dishes right, and and then youknow it will go in that
direction where my husband willsay, but I do so many other
things, but the essence is lost,right Like Because I did not
(13:25):
communicate it well and he didnot receive it well, because I
went from a space of attackinghim Because I was feeling
helpless.
So it's also important how wecommunicate.
So I wanted to begin with whylistening is so important and so
, yes, reflective listening alsokind of helps a child feel seen
(13:47):
, heard and appreciated, rightLike in the example that I gave
you.
If you can say, okay, so howdoes that make you feel?
Like that could be a questionwhen, when you, you know, when
your friends don't play with you.
So that's where, that's wherewe are giving them room to share
their inner world with us.
So, and the next importantaspect of communication,
(14:09):
according to me, is empathy.
It's like Super integral foreffective communication, because
if I let this tub my toe andSomebody tells me, oh, you're
okay, you know, be happy that itwasn't, you didn't get hurt
very badly, I'll be probablyreally annoyed.
Yeah, I want someone to kind ofmatch with me.
(14:32):
I don't want anyone to feelsorry for me because I mean,
that's not what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for empathy.
That ouch, that hurts, Are youokay?
Like kind of matching ourchildren in there in in their
intensity?
So?
So that is what I mean byempathy, like where we are kind
of Not feeling for them butfeeling with them.
(14:53):
That, ah, that sucks.
So Because how our kids feelAffect their behavior.
If you're not feeling good,then we are not behaving well
either.
So how can we build empathy inour children is by giving their
feelings a name, because a lotof the time, while kids are
(15:16):
developed enough to feel all thefeelings, they're not there yet
.
They don't know how to regulatetheir feelings yet because, as
I said, their brains aredeveloping in the first two,
three decades of their lives.
So it's, it's a skill.
It's like learning to ride abike, right, but because they're
so big, sometimes we assumethat you know they should know
(15:37):
this.
But it is, it is.
It is hard for them.
And empathy is essentially ourability to Attune to our own
inner world and name ourfeelings and needs.
And so when we name ourfeelings and needs, it kind of
strengthens the Emotionalprocessing centers in our brains
.
And when we meet our childrenwith empathy, we are
strengthening, strengtheningtheir emotional regulators in
(15:59):
their brains.
So if we want our children tobe emotionally mature, we just
meet them with Affirmation,validation and understanding of
their inner world and not withjudgment, for example, and I
feel like so.
So nonviolent communication isis something where they talk
about Observation versusevaluation, and when I started
(16:22):
that it really felt sochallenging.
Like often when we go to amessy room, our first Instinct
is to say you know how badlyyou've kept your room?
It's so messy.
We live in a pigsty right.
So these are all evaluationstatements.
They may be true for you, butthe.
So what I learned in not withnonviolent communication is that
(16:44):
we just Say what we see, wejust describe it right, like the
clothes are on the floor itkind of Probably gives.
First of all it's not attackingand also the child kind of has
an opportunity to come up with asolution.
Okay, I put it in the laundrybasket, we give them room.
But when we go with the watermessy room it's often kind of
(17:07):
backfires.
So it's important to observeand not evaluate.
So it's it's like one of thosecorpillers.
So there are four corpillers innonviolent communication.
So this is the one that I thinkI struggle with the most,
because if I come downstairs andI see a kitchen full of dishes
everywhere, like I will besaying thing, it is very hard
(17:30):
for me to just not evaluate.
So but, as I said, it's like alot of baby steps we have to
make, because all through ourlives we have been so used to
talking like this and that's howour children also learn,
because we are modeling that forthem.
So it's very important to bevery objective and neutral,
(17:57):
which sometimes, as humans, isvery hard, especially when we
are feeling big feelingsourselves.
So, for example, often I catchmyself in the morning saying
that when my daughter is likewhining about everything, I
don't want to go to school, Ican't get ready, I often feel
that I need to stop complaining.
We do this every day.
(18:17):
You've got to stay up late.
Now you should, and you knowyou've got you woke up late and
you should be grateful.
You'll be late for school.
So we all go into this lecturemode.
But imagine how it would feelfor her if I say that, yes, I
hear you, you wish you couldsleep for longer, or you know, I
wish that too, maybe one day inyou and I will just sleep in
the morning and not go to work,and it is time to get ready for
(18:42):
school.
So should we hop like bunniesor slither like snakes?
So I am kind of meeting herwhere she's at.
I'm adding playfulness becausethat's age appropriate for where
she's, at which there is moreroom for her to invite
cooperation.
But when I go into the stopcomplaining, stop whining we
kind of get into this powerstruggle where we are both just
(19:06):
stuck.
She's seeing the same thing,I'm seeing the same thing, with
just higher and higher intensity.
So empathy can often diffuse alot of situations, like if a
child goes into a shop and saysI want that toy and you don't
want to buy that toy.
You can empathize with them andgrant them their feelings in
wishes.
You really wish you had thattoy.
How about we put it on yourwish list?
(19:28):
When it's your birthday we canrevisit whether you still need
it and then we can buy it foryou.
So it's not like you have togive in to everything the child
is asking for, but you're kindof empathizing with what their
need and wants are, at least infantasy or something.
If my daughter wakes up with Iwant to eat chocolate for
(19:49):
breakfast, I would say wow, yeah, that would be awesome if we
could just wake up in Candy Landand eat chocolate all day.
So that also, like when I sayno, no chocolate for breakfast,
that also is like I'm stillsaying no, but I'm just not
being I don't know how to putthis but yes, I'm saying it in a
(20:11):
way that would help her feel,seen that, hey, okay, my mom
gets me, she gets this feeling,and this happens often in my
house, especially with cleaningup.
So when I say that the room isdirty, she said I don't feel
like cleaning up, and of courseI can go into what you have to,
but what I do first before thatis that, yeah, you know,
(20:32):
sometimes I don't feel likecleaning up either.
Sometimes I just see a sinkfull of dishes and I feel like I
don't want to do this.
So I am kind of empathizingwith her and saying that, hey, I
get it.
And what do you think willhappen if I don't do the dishes?
Then she says we will have noplates to eat.
So then she is problem solvingherself.
(20:54):
So sometimes we, as parents, gointo the lecture mode where we
feel the need to, you know, tellthem no, that's not how it's
done, that's you have to do this.
But when we are coming from aplace of empathy, we can invite
cooperation and we can by just,you know, asking them what about
cleaning up feels hard for you?
Is it picking up the toys orputting them away?
(21:16):
You know, okay, how about?
We start small?
We start with can you put awayfive blocks, you know?
And then we do the orange tiles.
So you know something like that, where we are taking it one
step at a time, because this ishow we build skills for them,
right?
So we are working with them, weare collaborating with them.
So so, yeah, so empathy is likereally, really it's like an
(21:42):
empowered parent superpower.
If we can empathize, we candiffuse most of the power
struggles and if we can justtruly listen to what the child
is saying instead of assumingwhat they said, that can, like,
really help us, you know, havefar less power struggles with
our kids and you know also, weare modeling it for them, the
(22:04):
better way of communicating it.
So sometimes I catch myself,like when I'm in a really angry
zone and I'm screaming that no,we are not doing that.
And if I catch myself, you know, we can always have a redo.
I can always say that, hey,sorry, I don't like how I said
that, let me try again.
So I'm kind of also modeling itfor her that we all lose it
(22:29):
sometimes and we get angry andwe get reactive, but we can
always repair, we can always tryagain.
So, yes, I feel like when wecan listen truly and we can
empathize, we can really have awonderful relationship with our
(22:50):
children and we can also modelfor them.
You know how we can communicateto others as well, right, If we
interrupt them every time theytalk, we can't expect them to
interrupt us when we talk withadults, which happens, right.
So it's very important that ifwe are wanting to teach them
(23:11):
some skills, that we aremodeling it ourselves Absolutely
.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Yeah, and I feel like you know.
I feel like most peopleprobably think you know I'm an
empathetic person, you know.
But what you said in theexamples you gave, like getting
ready for school, why are youwhining about us?
We do this every day andinstead of like that's what we
see right but understanding tothem, these are valid feelings.
This is a big deal to them Eventhough to us it's like this is
(23:38):
our routine.
This is what we do.
You know what?
I mean, but to them it's a bigdeal and I think just being able
to back up and see that thateven if it's something that we
think is silly.
They shouldn't be upset over,right?
Yes, that if they're upsetabout it, it is for a reason.
Their little problems to us arebig problems to them.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Absolutely, because, yeah, I've seen sometimes when
my son cries about the blue bowland because he didn't get the
green bowl, it feels like what'sthe big deal?
It's a bowl, but for them it isright, because how much
autonomy do they have in a day?
Right, that's one thing thatthey really want to decide what
bowl they eat and come and takethat away.
(24:22):
So it's very important.
Sometimes, like as parents, theproblem is that we just see the
tip of the iceberg, we don'tkind of look beneath what's
happening for them, and I thinkthat is that often causes
because we are only seeing thisthat, okay, you know what is the
big deal?
What if I just gave you someother bowl?
(24:43):
The other bowl is gone for awash, right, but if you can just
pause for one second there andsay that you really wanted the
green bowl, it's in the wash,can we try some other bowl?
Of course, they can still say,no, I only want that one, and
then we just wash it and give it.
But it's basically what I'mtrying to say is that we have to
sometimes understand that whatis the deeper need here?
(25:05):
It's not about the bowl, it'sabout that they want control and
that is something that is ashared human need.
We all want control, right?
Like if you, let's say, if yourpartner tells you that today
you're sleeping on this side ofthe bed, I don't think we are
going to appreciate that, likewhy, that's not my side, right?
(25:27):
So we all kind of like control.
We all kind of like things in acertain way, and that is true
for our kids.
And you are right, like a lotof us while growing up had our
positive feelings, validated andwelcome, but whenever it was
negative feelings, it was notreally welcome.
Right, you can't get so angryabout this, right, like you have
(25:50):
to share and you have to dothis.
So what happens is that youfeel like, okay, so I'm not
allowed to feel the way I wantto feel what is naturally coming
up for me, and that's how youlearn to suppress and that's how
you kind of the distance buildswhere you don't feel that it's
safe to talk to my parent aboutthis, right, and that's the kind
(26:14):
of relationships Like, ofcourse, like you still love your
parents and they love you too,but it's just that when we can
truly meet them where they're at, we create that safety where
they feel safe enough to sharetheir experience or challenges
with us.
Otherwise they will be likeokay, my parent doesn't get me,
(26:35):
you know, so I don't want to doit.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
And that's the last thing we want as they become
teenagers and all of that wherewe really need them to talk to
us at times.
You know Exactly.
So, I just wanted to like goback to one last thing before we
wrap up.
You said earlier that reallystuck out to me about saying
when we tell them, no, it's okay, like if they oh, you bumped
your knee, you're okay, you'reokay and creating that sense of
(26:59):
self doubt.
I've never thought about that,I've never heard that idea
before, and that is so.
I think we all want, more thananything, to raise happy,
confident, kind humans, right?
Yes, so just such a littlething of creating self doubt in
them that's going to affecttheir confidence is that's huge.
So I'm so glad you gave thatexample and that is brand new to
(27:21):
me and it's like made my braingo like oh, wow, you know,
that's the last thing we want isto create self doubt in our
children.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Yeah, and often, like , sometimes, like, the check I
do with myself these days isthat, would I say that to an
adult, right, right, like, I'llprobably not say that to an
adult, so why is it okay to sayto a child, right, it's hurting
for them.
So I'm not saying, like, make abig deal and make them more
self conscious, but, yes, like,just acknowledge that.
Ah, that hurt Like.
(27:48):
You know, can I, can I help?
Can I, you know, offer you anice pack, or can I give you a
kiss or a hug?
So often we do that also, butit's just that we miss the first
step, which is empathizing.
And also, I think the fixer isthe is something that often
comes up with most parents,because they just want to, like,
(28:11):
get it Right, right Like, theywant to fix it, like our child
shouldn't face any problems inlife.
It's just very, it's comingfrom a very good place, but it
doesn't really set them up forsuccess.
And and while I say that, youknow about the empathy, that the
only way we can welcome theirnegative feelings is by first of
(28:32):
all, understanding forourselves that all feelings are
valid and welcome.
My negative feelings are validand welcome, and their negative
feelings are valid and welcome.
And so, you know, true empathycan only come when we also have
self empathy, and often a lot ofus don't practice that with
ourselves, right Like, that'shard for a lot of us to really
(28:57):
empathize and understand.
Hey, yeah, I did that becauseyou know, like I said, that we
feel the guilt when we snap atour kids but we don't recognize.
Hey, but I haven't slept indays and I'm probably really
exhausted.
Or you know, I had one mealwithout getting up 15 times
during the meal.
So it's just like you know,offering ourselves that grace
(29:18):
and also to our kids, and it'swhen it's so when I see that
whole space for their feelings.
It's also important tocommunicate our feelings, right
Like, I can tell my daughterthat I am feeling really
frustrated, that I have to pickup after everyone and I'm really
longing for support.
So I am clarifying what myfeeling is without making her
(29:40):
responsible.
I'm not saying that I'm feelingdisappointed because you never
helped me, because that will puther.
She will try to defend herself,like any human would.
Right, like, if I say that tomy husband, he would also
probably.
But hey, I picked up the trash,I did that, I did this.
So then, like the idea is tokind of owning our feelings and
(30:01):
expressing what our feelings andwhat our needs are, without
making that anyone else'sresponsibility.
We can like if we, if we makedemands, there are very few,
like less, chances, becausenobody likes being told what to
do.
Right, like if some.
If my husband comes and tellsme come on, do the dishes,
probably I may not like that,but if he tells me that, hey, I
(30:24):
see that you've had a long dayand I saw the dishes on the
kitchen counter, do you?
If in a while, like you know,let's chat for a bit and then
maybe in a while we can do ittogether, I'll be more receptive
to that.
Like, if we feel bossed aroundconstantly, it's not going to
feel nice and so that's why,like it's also another thing and
with communication is that it'svery important to communicate
(30:49):
without an agenda.
Like we don't talk to our kidsonly when there is something
wrong.
That, hey, I noticed that themornings are really hard
Sometimes.
Like what we can do is that wecan just go and join them in
whatever they're doing, like ifthey're little kids.
Like if my daughter is justplaying with a Lego or something
I'm going to go build with herfor a bit and, you know,
(31:11):
literally have a good timebefore I bring up anything.
And then, once we are bothfeeling regulated, that's when I
talk about, hey, I see thatmornings are a little bit hard.
What can we do to make it a bit, you know, smooth and
comfortable for all of us?
So Then she, she'd say some.
So then she'll say somethingthat, but I wanted to play in
(31:32):
the morning.
So then I say, okay, how aboutwe go to bed early, so we wake
up early and we have time for agame.
So then we are, you know,collaborating, we are, you know,
understanding, and so I amexpressing my concern that I,
I'm sharing my value, I'msharing my boundary, I'm sharing
that I really like to bepunctual.
I don't like to, you know, goto places late and I don't want
(31:55):
to, I don't want you to go toschool late.
So how can we make sure thatyou know your needs are met?
My needs are met, right, right.
So what is happening for you?
Why is this difficult for you?
So then she says that, yeah,because I don't feel like waking
up, I'm feeling tired.
And Then she said somethinglike can I lie down on the couch
while you eat breakfast for me,I said, sure, we can do that.
So when I'm coming from a spaceof not attacking and Blaming
(32:21):
this on her or accusing her,there is more room for
collaboration.
But when I come from a space ofyou know, I mean business and
this needs to be done, there ismore resistance.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Absolutely, as would be with anybody, like you said,
right anytime we start aconversation like that, whether
it be a partner, a child, aco-worker- Anything you know
yeah, we're setting the stagefor their reaction right there.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Yes, so so, first, like the like the non-violent
communication has, like, fourcore pillars.
So, first is like, observingand not evaluating.
And the second is feelingsunderstanding the your
communication partners, feelingsand also your feelings.
And the third is understandingyour needs.
Right, like what?
(33:07):
What is your needs?
And not like, so need isessentially not not a strategy
on how to meet the need like,but you're sharing that.
I would like more support in thehouse.
I feel like I feel a littleoverwhelmed with the amount
there is to, you know, clean up.
So how are you willing to helpme?
So then, I am not saying thatyou have to do this, but I'm
(33:29):
giving room for some choice andsome control.
Okay, these are the tasks thatneed to be done.
Where are you willing tosupport me?
Right, so, you know.
So needs are stating that myneed is support here.
My need is like collaboration,my need is ease.
I don't want to feel stressedand overworked and overwhelmed,
so I'm sharing my feeling and myneed.
(33:50):
And then we go into the lastpillar, which is requests versus
demands.
Right, like, we are requesting,we are not making demands.
Our request can be met with ano, and then we can Discuss
further on how can we make myneeds and your needs meet, right
(34:10):
, like, if I say that, would yoube willing to put the trash out
?
And if my, my daughter, says,and no, I don't enjoy doing that
, can I do the laundry instead?
So I would be like, okay, fine,we can try that, right so.
So we have to kind of be notattached to the endgame, to the
(34:30):
like, you know, the Desiredresult.
We have to be also kind offlexible in how else can we be
supported, right, like.
And also it's very importantthat whatever we are asking from
our kids is age-appropriate,it's not something that they're
not capable of doing.
So because that will just, youknow, that will just make it
(34:53):
Challenging, because they won'tdo it, and then we'll get
annoyed again.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
Yeah, it just adds to the frustration, right, the
level of frustration there.
Yeah, I think this was.
I mean, this was really reallyhelpful and yeah, you like give
lots of tidbits and strategiesthat I'm taking away.
I was taking notes as we chatand the things that I can start
Implementing and you just openedmy brain to seeing things in a
different way.
So I love the way you youstated things today.
And, Trudy, you are a coach andyou are offering something
(35:21):
special to a few of ourlisteners, right?
So if you're interested inmeeting with Trudy and learning
more and diving into this moreon a personal level, you are,
tell us a little bit about whatwhat you're offering five of our
listeners.
I think yes.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
So, the first five listeners, if this, you know,
chat inspires you and you wantto, you know, become more
intentional in your parentingjourney, you can send me a DM or
you can send me a mail and Ican offer you one free coaching
session with whatever you'rechallenging, and the session
(35:56):
will be like 45 minutes long andyou can ask me anything.
Any challenge that comes up foryou.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
Fantastic and we will link to all of that so it's
super easy for people to toreach out to you and just let
her know that you heard herehere on speak out, stand out and
are interested in learning more.
So sure to you get reallyappreciate your insight, your
expertise, your passion aboutthis.
It's very clear that this isreally important to you and
Helping other moms out there,because the more support we have
(36:24):
, the better we all are.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I love doing this with you,thank you.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Thank you, yeah, thank you.
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