February 19, 2025 • 38 mins
Ever wrestled with the tumultuous task of raising a child in today's world? Join us this episode as we chat with Cara Terrell, founder of Core 4 Parenting, who shares her wisdom on navigating these turbulent waters.
Cara doesn't just share her insights; she helps us draw up a game plan. We talk about how to equip our children to fight against instant gratification, focusing on teaching waiting skills and time management. We discuss a three-step plan to help foster these vital life skills, emphasizing the importance of involving them in problem-solving and decision-making. But our conversation isn't confined to the theoretical; we delve into practical examples, providing tangible strategies you can implement right away.
Drawing from Cara's wealth of expertise, we conclude with a practical guide on handling toddler meltdowns and the importance of self-reflection in parenting. This episode is not just about surviving the parenting journey, but thriving in it, ensuring our children do, too. So, tune in to this insightful conversation and let's raise the future generation together.
Connect with Cara
Check out Cara's free download: Mindful Mantras for Managing Toddler Meltdowns, or find her on Instagram.
Get a free mini lesson plus 52 prompts so your kids can practice every week here!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Speak Out Standout.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Cara Tarell.
Cara is a Vermont-based earlychildhood educator, a
collaborative parenting coachand the founder of Core 4
Parenting.
She is the passionatemastermind behind the
collaborative parentingmethodology a birth to five,
soul and science-based frameworkthat empowers parents to
(00:21):
maximize their child's earlylearning while raising fantastic
human beings who succeed inschool and life and isn't that
what every single parent aims todo?
So I'm super excited to haveyou here, Cara, and to learn
more about how we can empowerour children and empower
ourselves.
So thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh, I am so excited for this conversation.
Thanks, Elizabeth.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
So, Cara, before we kind of dive into what we really
want to talk about today, tellus a little bit.
How did you become thisparenting expert?
What led you down that path?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Well, I self-described as a lifetime
lover of littles, so I'veessentially been training for
this my whole life.
I also, in my childhoodperspective, was unfairly a only
child, so I had nobody else inthe house with me, so I went
searching for kids wherever Icould, and that led me to
(01:15):
education.
And so I followed my path and Ibecame a teacher and in the
preschool and kindergartenspaces I just felt really
aligned with these kids.
But I also felt like I wasn'tserving them completely because
I was a little bit hemmed bywhat I was allowed to do in the
public school system and I knewthat these kids were just coming
(01:38):
, not 100% ready to learn,because their ABCs in one, two,
three colors and numbers didn'treally matter as much as could
they socially and emotionallyconnect with other kids, Could
they interpersonally understandhow to do a given take between a
teacher and a student and couldthey control their bodies and
feel really comfortable insidethem instead of using them to
(02:01):
communicate their frustrations.
And so that's what led me toblend my science background and
my educational background withthis sole concept that when we
create a relationship wherewe're collaborating with
children, we are actuallyopening the door for them to
become lifelong learners and beexcited about always being part
(02:26):
of that process.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I was, literally before we hopped on here having
a conversation with my mom andwas just telling her about a
class I just wrapped up and thekids were so excited and at the
end they were like we had fun,we want to take more classes
with you all and all of this,and it's like that's what
learning is supposed to be.
That's what it is, until westifle it a lot of times in
(02:49):
systematic ways.
So I'm excited to talk aboutthis and also I just want to ask
you you said something, too,that my friends and I have been
mulling over lately to you.
I feel like those are thethings that we used to learn in
kindergarten, the things you'resaying that kids should learn
how to do.
I mean, I remember when myfirst was preparing to go to
kindergarten and I was like wait, he's supposed to learn how to
read already.
I thought that's what y'allwere going to teach him.
Is it just me, or haveexpectations definitely changed
(03:12):
in the past 30 plus years?
Not?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
just you, and it was kind of like.
It was kind of like a secret,right.
They changed the expectations,but they didn't tell anybody.
And not only did they not tellanybody all of a sudden, but
parents are smart, though, andso they caught on and they said
oh, this is my job, this is whatI'm supposed to do.
Is I am a good mom, I am a gooddad If I send my child to
(03:37):
kindergarten knowing their ABCs,123 scholars and numbers check?
I did it.
And then they would getfrustrated because their child
was being told you know, you doknow these things, but here's
where you're struggling.
So, yeah, you are 100% rightthat it used to be that
(03:59):
preschool focused on theseinterpersonal skills, and then
kindergarten is where,cognitively, we know,
scientifically, they're ready.
They're ready now to absorbinformation, to retain
information and to use it in ascaffolded way so that they can
move forward with curricula.
(04:19):
So it's really challenging, and, you know, one of the things
we're going to talk a little bitabout today is the COVID
generation.
Those kids are not anywherenear ready, and the expectations
have, once again, not changed.
So two facts that will justblow everybody's mind, but it's
important to know 85% offoundational brain growth is
(04:42):
done by the age of five.
So the literal size of yourchild's brain, 85% of it, is
there by the age of five, whichmeans those neural pathways and
those belief systems and thosecause effect pieces that they
believe to be so true are there.
Then, on the other side, 40% ofkids four out of 10 incoming
(05:07):
kindergartners are actuallytesting as ready to be there.
So we are digging ourselves abig hole and the hole is going
to get bigger.
And if we don't fill that gapbefore we ask these kids to meet
requirements, that is onlybecause they're five years old.
It's their chronological age.
(05:29):
You must be able to handle this.
We are going to find ourselvesin a big, big problem.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And it also sets them up for failure.
You know, I mean, I feel like,if that's such a pivotal point
too for them to learn thatlearning, not to learn that
learning is fun, it is alreadyfun for them at that point, but
to continue to be fun andexciting is something they want
to participate in.
So, so much going on there, andespecially the COVID thing.
(05:56):
There's such a kink in things.
So let's I'm excited to talkabout this standards are
standards, right.
We can't, we can't change themat this point, right.
It is what, what is expected,how we deal with it, though,
right, and how we parent, we cancontrol.
So, in my well, let me just say, when we say who are the COVID
generation, you know in action,well, I'm.
(06:19):
I feel like you tell me if I'mwrong I feel like all kids in
school are the COVID generationin some ways.
My son was going through thetransition from elementary
school to middle school duringCOVID, and so when it all ended
and he was in middle school, itwas like it was, like it was
supposed to know all thesethings and be responsible in the
ways that they would havetaught them in those years, and
(06:41):
it didn't really happen becauseof COVID.
So is it are all kids the COVIDgeneration?
I mean, no, we think of thelittle ones right that were home
during all of this.
But what is that?
What does that mean when we sayCOVID generation?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
That's a fantastic question.
So they're actually.
You're right in that.
So there's two answers.
One is the technical definitionof these kids who are going to
be labeled Gen C, right, theCOVID generation, oh, is that
what it's called?
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Yeah, oh, I've never heard this before.
Oh my goodness, yeah, oh, wow,okay, sorry, keep going.
I didn't use my mind with that.
I didn't know there was a namefor it, but now I know.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So these kids are right now between one and six
years old and the reason thatthey are defined as such is that
they were going through thatfive year 85% brain growth burst
during that time period.
So, yes, they are early yearsaffected.
(07:36):
However, you are also correctin that every student,
regardless of their age or gradelevel, the world hit pause on
their learning and developmentopportunities.
Wherever they were.
It hit pause and they now haveto recover those systems,
(07:59):
recover how to be that socialperson who can take on the job
of self advocacy and say Iactually don't understand what
you're talking about and I needyour help because I missed some
really important pieces alongthe way.
The problem is with kids likeyours, they're already in such a
(08:23):
wild evolution of selfdevelopment hormonally they
don't have that self awareness.
They don't have the presence ofmind or the language to say can
you just hold on a second, prof, I'm having a moment and I need
your help.
Yeah, so we have to be aware.
As parents, we have to takestock of exactly what you just
(08:45):
said.
When COVID happened, my childwas at this age and let's add
three years to that and talkabout what you missed during
that time frame.
And maybe it wasn't a ton.
I've talked to parents who saiddo you know what Our mini pods
actually enhanced my child'ssocial, emotional learning?
(09:07):
And they are now going back toa system where they have
upleveled.
Now, what about the cognitionright?
What about the core curriculathat they missed?
Yeah, they have to make some ofthat up, but they're doing okay
on this side.
So, yes, the COVID generation isreal and they are our tinies.
(09:28):
Yes, everybody has beenaffected.
But this really brings us backto the humanist of it that as
parents, it's our job to be soaware of who our children are
that we say I know you so wellthat I imagine this part of post
(09:49):
pandemic living is really hardfor you.
So I'm going to give you alittle extra boost where you
need it here.
You're such.
You've always been someone whoI had one of these.
You've always been someone whostruggles to stand up and say to
your teacher I didn't get thator I need help.
So you've always been a quieterobserver, more introspective
(10:11):
kiddo.
So if you struggle, please cometo me so that I can bridge that
gap for you.
Help you write an email thatmakes sense.
Teach you ways that feelcomfortable, so that you're
confident communicating what youneed to others now.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
And to point out to you you're not saying so I can
do it for you, so I can fix itfor you, which I think is often
our instinct.
Sometimes it's like, well, it'sjust easier if I just do it
right.
Sometimes we feel that way, butalso we're protective and mama
bear is a phrase for a reasonand so oftentimes I think we
feel like we need to fix thingsor do it for them instead of,
(10:53):
like you said, bridge the gapand teach them how to advocate
for themselves in those moments,which is so crucial.
That's a skill that theycertainly need, you know,
because they're going to need itin life.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, and that's the thing.
These are life skills.
Right, knowing what year WorldWar One started is far less
important than knowing how tosay this test wasn't my best
work.
I think it's because I didn'tunderstand what was going on in
(11:25):
class last week, but I didn'tsay anything not to my mom, not
to my teacher, not to my friendand then going inward again and
saying, okay, let me reassessNext time.
I'm feeling like this is astruggle.
What's a new strategy that Icould use and I can try?
I am all about kids owning whatthey can and coming to us when
(11:51):
they feel like they need support, because they trust us not to
problem solve, but becollaborative, and that's where
my collaborative parentingmethodology comes from.
What do we want from ourteenagers more than anything in
the whole wide world?
Speaker 1 (12:07):
We want them to be kind, self-sufficient people.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
And tell us anything.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Yes, of course.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
We want that open communication, tell, we want
them to tell us anything, whichmeans they have to trust that
we're not just going to jump inand solve it for them.
We have to trust that they'regoing to be heard, listened to,
talked with not to invited tocome up with potential solutions
and then allow us on thejourney with them, and they're
(12:37):
also going to be willing tolisten to our ideas and say
that's actually a really goodidea.
Yeah, I'll try that.
That's collaboration, that'steamwork, that's what we do as
adults in the corporate world.
That's what we do with ourpartners when we're struggling
to solve something.
And I teach parents how to dothis with their kids as early as
(13:01):
the toddler years, because whenyou win those toddler years,
you're already set up for theteenage years.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
So I've said this to so many of my guests lately, but
I wish I would have met you somany years ago.
Right, whenever we'restruggling and just muddling
through and trying to find thethings that work.
So if you're listening andyou're at that stage too and
you're like, well, my kidsaren't toddlers anymore, we can
still do it.
Right, if your kids aren'ttoddlers, fantastic, start now.
(13:29):
But if not, we can still do it.
We can still make this impacton our kids.
So one of your things that youtalk about is five executive
functioning skills that kidsneed to have in order to reach
their milestones right?
So just kind of jumping rightinto that what are these skills
and how in the world do we helpimplement them in our children?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yeah.
So let me just say before Ijump into them that a lot of
them are counterintuitive to theway that the world works right
now, which is really hard as aparent, because if you are so,
the first one is waiting.
The first one is delayedgratification, the ability to
know that you have started theball rolling on something but
(14:15):
you're not going to get ananswer right away.
I'm dealing with this right nowwith my 18 year old, who's
applying to college, and shejust wants to know the answer.
Yesterday and she said four tosix weeks.
I have to wait.
It's just so frustrating forher.
(14:36):
But this idea that we can calmourselves and know that we can
wait for an answer or a solutionto show up is something we have
to do as adults, and it startswhen we are children and, of
course, we live in an instantgratification world.
So the more tech they use atevery age and stage, the more we
(15:02):
are telling, training theirneural system you immediately
get this hit, you immediatelyget some dopamine, you
immediately get some serotonin.
I will keep you happy everysingle solitary second, and then
they go out into the real worldand that's just not the way it
is.
The waiting is the first one.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I feel like that maybe wasn't something that we
necessarily had to be taughtwhen we were kids, because that
was the way of the world.
If you had a friend who movedaway and you wanted to
communicate with them, you wroteletters and you'd send a letter
and it would take days and thenwait for the response back.
Or if you wanted to buysomething, you had to wait until
somebody would take you to thestore to do it.
(15:46):
And now it's like you saideverything from social media and
the internet, finding outinformation immediately, or same
day deliveries on things.
I want this.
I mean, I get it.
It's going to be here today.
So you're right, it is a skillthat has to actually be taught,
which is so backwards.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Even Google think about it.
Kids as young as nine have aquestion.
They want the answer.
They don't go search for theanswer, they don't wait and see
if it pops into their head.
They don't ask some friends andget their opinions.
They take 0.3 milliseconds.
Ask the great Google and theyhave an answer.
They are immediately gettingtheir problems solved, and this
(16:28):
is problematic as we moveforward Now as a parent.
Here's what I'm going to tellyou.
If you say, okay, I'm committedto teaching my child how to
wait, you have to be preparedfor their reaction when you draw
the line.
They're not going to bethrilled about it.
They will give you pushback.
So that's why I teach what Icall my parenting.
(16:51):
Why, and for each family thisis very personal and we write a
personalized parenting missionstatement, and if this is a core
value that matters to you, thenyou know why you are saying yes
, you may have a phone, but whenyou are 14.
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I had this sweet kid at the youth group.
He looked at me the other dayand he said, yes, what?
And I said what?
And he said I am so excited I'mgetting a phone with
restrictions and my heart was sohappy, oh, he's just excited
about the positive part of itfor him.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
That's great.
When I was going to ask youwhat is an example of teaching
our kids waiting skills andobviously the phone is such a
common one and one of thosethings that we constantly have
in our conversations with ourkids and all that, so I think
that was a great one.
Is there any other examples offthe top of your head that we
could?
Because the phone is a one anddone, right, yes, you can wait
(17:52):
until this, until you're turningthis age, whatever age we agree
on.
What other ways can we teachwaiting in, just like our
regular lives?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Well, I mean, I don't want to harbor on the media too
much, but I feel liketelevision is a great one.
I have kids all the families Iwork with all the time that say
you know, my kids seem to be ina habit.
As soon as we get home fromschool, they just say, oh, can I
turn on the TV?
Or oh, can I watch a show.
And I feel like that's a greatopportunity to say yes, but not
(18:22):
until after, so it's stillwithin the same day and you're
not saying no.
I love saying yes and and thengiving the caveat Just after
dinner, after bath or, evenbetter yet, setting that time
aside that they always know isthe time they're allowed to have
(18:42):
that show and saying, hmm, wedon't watch that until these
things are done, becauseactually we're tagging into
another one of my executivefunctioning skills, which is
time management.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Oh yes.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
And if you are able to say to yourself okay, this is
something I want.
I'm not going to get it rightnow, but I am going to after I
prioritize my time and do thesethree things, you are somebody
who is able to think as you growup about setting a goal and
(19:17):
what do I have to do first toachieve it?
And should I do the hard thingfirst or the easy thing first?
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And is there a correct answer on that the hard
thing first or the easy thingfirst?
If you have a list of threethings that you have to do to
achieve your goal, or is it just, does it make a difference?
Does achieving one easy thinghelp you go on to the harder
things?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I think it entirely depends on who you are.
Personally, I'm a high achieverand I internally motivate right
.
I have this internal motivationto succeed and I'm great at
making my lists and knowing thatI need to get them all done in
order to reach that goal.
However, I have another kiddowho's a very extrinsic motivator
(20:00):
.
She needs something from theoutside getting her to get going
and then helping her stay inmotion to get those things done.
And so if that's who you areand you know that about yourself
or you know that about yourchild, then I absolutely think
you have them do the hard thingfirst, because then the next
(20:22):
things that they do feel betterto them and they're more
motivated to keep going.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Okay, that makes sense, and do you have any other
examples for us about ways toinstill time management in those
kids besides with the TVexample?
I think is great you can watchTV after you do these things but
any other examples that wecould think, oh yeah, that's
easy enough, I can do this todaywith my kids.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
So something that I love.
I call it my three step plan,my mini plan I love.
So if your child has to getsomething done, or if you have
somewhere you need to be likeyou're trying to get out of the
door, ask them what are thethree things that you think that
we need to get done before weleave.
Ask them to use theirprefrontal cortex right to get
(21:11):
that executive functioning gearsgoing so that they're like oh
wait, I know I'm going to need abackpack, I know I need my
lunch.
There was something else.
Oh right, I need sneakers forJim today.
And then they're able to sitback at you and you're like
great, what do you think youshould do?
First, what do you think youshould do second, what do you
(21:32):
think you'll do?
Third, go get those things done.
And the more that you practicethat with them, the more it
becomes a self talk habit wherethey bump up against something
and they're struggling and maybeyou're not around, maybe
they're at school and they thinkI forgot my shoes for Jim today
(21:53):
.
What will I do?
Right?
And now they're like oh wait,let me think if I can come up
with three things that wouldhelp me solve this problem.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, Besides, just call mom, which obviously is one
of the solutions, but thefallback right.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
What do you do?
I've had this many times with mychild was a big forgetter of
snow boots in Vermont here.
Right, what do you do?
And I mean, I'm a big free likeyou, get one free pass.
That's what I used to say.
You get one free pass.
And if this, if that happenedagain during the same week, I
would say this is a naturalconsequence to you not managing
(22:34):
your time well in the morningand planning.
Therefore, you will have towait until you get home.
Organize your life so thattomorrow you have them with you.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
And it sounds, I mean , it makes perfect sense.
It sounds so simple.
In the moment it's so hardbecause we just want to fix
things, to go back to that right, but it is so important that
we're thinking through thesethings and giving them
opportunities to learn fromtheir mistakes, because how else
are they going to learn?
So so, waiting and timemanagement those are two of our
(23:06):
executive functions and greatexamples of ways we can teach
them.
What else do we have on thelist of things that they really
need to know?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Emotional regulation.
It is key and it is notsomething that is taught per se.
It should be and it can be, butit's not something that's on
our radar as parents to teach.
We model it, whether we'remodeling it in a positive way or
(23:36):
we're modeling it in anexplosive way.
Either way, our kids aregetting a message, because kids
learn from every singleinteraction they have with
people that have relationshipswith, whether that is.
I just learned that my mom had areally long, hard day and she
came home and she said it outloud Today was really long and
(23:57):
really hard, and I don't have alot of patience left, so I'm
just telling everybody thatright now I'm going to try my
best to stay in control, but ifI lose it, that's why that is
self-awareness and regulationand then forecasting it for your
family.
That is one way.
(24:19):
The other way is to hold it inand then explode on your family
and they go what the heck'swrong with mom today?
I don't understand.
I didn't actually do anything.
I just put my plate in thisspot instead of this spot and
boof.
There she went.
That was your last straw.
(24:39):
Emotional regulation is reallyimportant and it's a core piece
of the curriculum that I teachwith parents who have tiniest.
It's not impossible to overcomethat barrier once your child
gets older, but I will say theyhave strong belief systems in
place.
(24:59):
When I feel this way, this iswhat I do.
We'll just have to reteach someof those.
They also have a lot ofincreased hormonal activity
going on.
Sometimes it's hard to getthrough that barrier, depending
on the day, but knowing how tocalm yourself when you get into
an emotional heightened state isa really important skill to
(25:24):
have as a human being at everysingle age For sure.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Just like the old adage, they don't learn from
what you say, they learn fromwhat you do.
If we want them to be able toshow emotional restraint when
they're feeling upset, the onlyway they're going to learn that
is by watching us, I say thisall the time I grew up hearing
do as I say, not as I do.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Oh right, that's it, that's it.
But, it doesn't work.
Doesn't work.
I say do as I do and I'll learnto do better.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Oh, I like that, I like that, all of you.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Because here's the deal with emotions, and we know
this is adults.
We say you can't hold them up,you can't bottle them in or else
you explode.
Emotions have to move, they areenergy and they move through
your body.
And if you don't move themthrough in a way that makes
sense is when you get physical,specifically children, kids who
(26:28):
don't have the presence of mindto understand how to label the
emotion.
Which one is this?
I don't.
I'm feeling something, but Idon't even know what to call it
and I can't talk about it.
And if I can't talk about itthen I'll just hit my friend.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
So in that suggestion , in that situation, do you
suggest that we are assuming?
I see that you seem to befeeling frustrated or are you
feeling frustrated?
Is there a better way to goabout it?
And helping them label thoseemotions, because we know that's
so crucial too?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Yeah, we can start by assuming, but always asking for
input.
So I prefer it looks like or itsounds like, because then I'm
mirroring for them.
It looks like your body is outof control right now.
You must be feeling somethingreally really big.
Is it anger?
You tell me what you think itis.
(27:23):
Is it frustration?
Is it overwhelm?
Give them a few, because youreally want their emotional
vocabulary to grow.
Kids can't believe.
The only three emotions in theworld are happy, mad and sad.
They need to know there's more.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, all right, that's great, all right.
So, moving on to our fourth one, I'm taking notes as we go.
These are all fantastic things.
Even as a parent of a teen,these are still.
These are fantastic things.
So what is another skill orfunction that we need to help
our kids be equipped with?
Speaker 2 (27:55):
We need flexible thinking.
Flexible thinking is hard.
Yes, right, this morning ithappened to me I couldn't find
my shoes.
I knew I walked in the housewith them on my feet last night,
so they had to be somewhere inthe building.
My husband went on the hunt.
I went on the hunt, nobodyfound the shoes.
(28:17):
And I was just so frustratedand the back of my brain I was
saying to myself just weardifferent pair of shoes, right,
right, be flexible, be flexible.
But I was so stuck on thisresult.
I did eventually wear anotherpair of shoes, yay me.
But this ability to flex is soimportant and kids going through
(28:46):
massive moments of developmenttend to not want to think that
way.
I describe it as the more outof control we feel, the more
control we take.
Toddlers do that and teenagersdo that, right, yeah.
So teaching them that there'smore than one way to solve
(29:10):
something, or there's more thanone way to get where we're going
.
Sometimes I'll do that BecauseI'll have kids in the back seat
and they'll say to me this isn'tthe way to the school.
I'll say did you know?
There's lots of ways to get tothe school Today I'm trying this
way.
I thought it would beinteresting.
Oh look, we've never seen thatbefore.
(29:32):
Giving them the opportunitiesto think flexibly when it's not
about something they care deeplyabout allows you the space to
then get in there when it issomething they care deeply about
and say this maybe will happenthe way you want it to and it
maybe won't.
(29:52):
I'm dealing with this right nowwith my girl.
My 18-year-old is going toJapan.
She's moving and she's going tobe in a pair for a family over
there, and can she get a visa?
That's the bigger question, andso we're working on it and I
said you need to think aboutbest case, worst case and
(30:13):
possible.
Worst case is this all goeswithout a hitch.
Worst case is you go for 90days, come home and then we get
your visa In the middle.
You'll figure it out as you go.
It's hard for her.
She wants all the answers rightnow Right, but she's got to
think flexibly because the worldis not black and white.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I think that's such an important skill too, as we
grow to be adults in the waysthat we think about ideas and
concepts and our beliefs and allof those things we have to be
willing to accept.
There are other ways, like yousaid, other potential options,
other ideas, other thoughts, allof those things.
And if we don't learn that,like you said, about the things
that are minor to us, then werewe ever going to be able to
(30:59):
accept that with things that wefeel passionate about?
Speaker 2 (31:03):
And when you look at it like in a social psychology
space, that bigger picture.
If we learn to be flexiblethinkers from a young age, we
are more able to be empatheticand compassionate to others who
think differently than we do.
It's okay that you believesomething that I don't believe.
We can still be friends and wecan still enjoy each other.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
And likely better problem solvers too.
Right, because they're willingto look for more avenues than
just the one that was in frontof them directly.
Yeah, absolutely, that's agreat tip.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
And again you go to school and then they tell you
there's one way to solve themath problem and you're like
wait a minute?
I just figured it out this way.
I'm with that kid, by the way.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
In the public school anymore for about 12 reasons.
That's wonderful, yes.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I know exactly what you're saying there.
We're in the process of doingthose things as well, of
figuring out the one way that issupposedly accepted when we are
trying to teach our kidsotherwise.
So that's funny.
So these have been great.
So we've got one more.
What is the one other that yousuggest that you think we really
have to focus on when ourkiddos are young, so that
they're equipped to be adults?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So this one wraps them all together, and this is a
highly defined sense of self,because every child is a unique
human being, and we know thisand we say this, but we don't
tend to apply it to thesituations in the world.
(32:37):
So we want our kids to know whothey are.
So, from the earliest days, Iteach parents how to observe
their children's naturalcharacteristics and abilities
that are just so easy for them.
Right, oh, here's my socialbutterfly.
And teach your child You'resomeone who really likes to be
(32:59):
around other people.
When we go out in the world,you're always making new friends
.
You're never afraid to sayhello to people.
Teach them who they are.
I also teach them how toobserve what their child is not
so naturally gifted at, sociallyand emotionally, and work with
them that way too.
So the opposite of that kid wasmy Velcro child, who was
(33:23):
literally attached to my body inone way or another for the
first 10 years of her life theone, by the way, who's going to
Japan.
So I did my job.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Oh, you did an amazing job.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
And I would say to her when we're going somewhere
today and there's going to be alot of people and I know that
doesn't feel good to your bodyit's fine if you want to stay
close to me, but today let's seeif we can keep one fingertip of
space between us.
And then the next time let'ssee if we can keep one fist of
(33:56):
space between us and slowlyevolve her comfort level and her
world, because that's somethingshe was going to need to do on
her own when I wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think that, overall , though, in order for us to
teach these things to our kidsand I think these are fantastic
ideas and milestones that wewant to reach with them we have
to be aware of them andourselves, because so often in
the moment it's like well, we'regoing to be going here, you got
to go there regardless, dealwith it, kind of thing.
(34:30):
We would say that to the kids,but sometimes our frustrations
can just get into where theytake over and we're like why
can't you just be comfortable inthat situation but really
starting to dig more into it andrealizing they're just a
different person Just becauseI'm comfortable in that
situation doesn't mean anybodyelse's.
They're different, unique,individual people and building
on their strengths and improvingtheir weaknesses I don't know
(34:54):
if weakness is the right word,but their struggles is so
crucial.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
It is, and practicing that, being an acute observer
allows you actually to do a lotof self-reflection and
introspection.
I tell people your kids are notcarbon copies of you.
They go wow, you're right.
I just oh, she has my nose, shehas his ears.
(35:22):
We immediately start with that,from the minute they're born.
Be a detective, be curiousabout who your child really is
and you will find out so muchmore about who you really are.
If you do this within thecomfort of your own home, it's
big work.
It's parenting, personaldevelopment.
But you've got to do it there,otherwise, when you go outside
(35:47):
of your home and you parent inpublic, it's all going to fall
apart Because the world is goingto be very, very quick to tell
you well, my kid potty trainedin three days and my kid had no
trouble sleeping since fiveweeks old.
And you sit there and if you'renot very strong in who am I,
(36:08):
I'm learning who my child is andI know what my core family
values are and who it is I wantto raise and what skills I want
to teach them.
It's really easy to get talkedoff the ledge?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah for sure.
Well, Kara, I think this hasbeen tremendously helpful, and
you do coaching, and there'slots of different ways that
people can engage with youthrough social media and your
website and work with you, butyou also have a freebie right
that people can go to yourwebsite and get some more
information.
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Yeah, so I do tend to work with people who have
younger kids, and not that Ican't work with people that are
older.
But if you're listening and youhave a plethora of children and
some of them are toddlers andtantrumming, grab my freebie
it's called Five Mindful Mantrasfor Managing Toddler Meltdowns
and I help you come back tocenter so that you can help your
(37:00):
child come back to center andthen process what happened.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I love it.
Well, again, you've beentremendous.
These are fantastic tips andI'm sure people are going to
want to connect with you.
So if we will link toeverything in the show notes, so
it's easy to find Kara's socialmedia accounts on her website
and the freebie and all of that.
So, again, really appreciateyour time and this insight.
It is extremely helpful and,like I said, as a mom of a tween
(37:24):
and a teen, I've gleaned a lotfrom this already that I can
start incorporating in my life.
Wish I would have known whenthey were toddlers, but can
certainly start with now.
So thank you again for yourexpertise.
Welcome back to Speak Out Standout.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Cara Tarell.
Cara is a Vermont-based earlychildhood educator, a
collaborative parenting coachand the founder of Core 4
Parenting.
She is the passionatemastermind behind the
collaborative parentingmethodology a birth to five,
soul and science-based frameworkthat empowers parents to
(00:21):
maximize their child's earlylearning while raising fantastic
human beings who succeed inschool and life and isn't that
what every single parent aims todo?
So I'm super excited to haveyou here, Cara, and to learn
more about how we can empowerour children and empower
ourselves.
So thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Oh, I am so excited for this conversation.
Thanks, Elizabeth.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
So, Cara, before we kind of dive into what we really
want to talk about today, tellus a little bit.
How did you become thisparenting expert?
What led you down that path?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Well, I self-described as a lifetime
lover of littles, so I'veessentially been training for
this my whole life.
I also, in my childhoodperspective, was unfairly a only
child, so I had nobody else inthe house with me, so I went
searching for kids wherever Icould, and that led me to
(01:15):
education.
And so I followed my path and Ibecame a teacher and in the
preschool and kindergartenspaces I just felt really
aligned with these kids.
But I also felt like I wasn'tserving them completely because
I was a little bit hemmed bywhat I was allowed to do in the
public school system and I knewthat these kids were just coming
(01:38):
, not 100% ready to learn,because their ABCs in one, two,
three colors and numbers didn'treally matter as much as could
they socially and emotionallyconnect with other kids, Could
they interpersonally understandhow to do a given take between a
teacher and a student and couldthey control their bodies and
feel really comfortable insidethem instead of using them to
(02:01):
communicate their frustrations.
And so that's what led me toblend my science background and
my educational background withthis sole concept that when we
create a relationship wherewe're collaborating with
children, we are actuallyopening the door for them to
become lifelong learners and beexcited about always being part
(02:26):
of that process.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I was, literally before we hopped on here having
a conversation with my mom andwas just telling her about a
class I just wrapped up and thekids were so excited and at the
end they were like we had fun,we want to take more classes
with you all and all of this,and it's like that's what
learning is supposed to be.
That's what it is, until westifle it a lot of times in
(02:49):
systematic ways.
So I'm excited to talk aboutthis and also I just want to ask
you you said something, too,that my friends and I have been
mulling over lately to you.
I feel like those are thethings that we used to learn in
kindergarten, the things you'resaying that kids should learn
how to do.
I mean, I remember when myfirst was preparing to go to
kindergarten and I was like wait, he's supposed to learn how to
read already.
I thought that's what y'allwere going to teach him.
Is it just me, or haveexpectations definitely changed
(03:12):
in the past 30 plus years?
Not?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
just you, and it was kind of like.
It was kind of like a secret,right.
They changed the expectations,but they didn't tell anybody.
And not only did they not tellanybody all of a sudden, but
parents are smart, though, andso they caught on and they said
oh, this is my job, this is whatI'm supposed to do.
Is I am a good mom, I am a gooddad If I send my child to
(03:37):
kindergarten knowing their ABCs,123 scholars and numbers check?
I did it.
And then they would getfrustrated because their child
was being told you know, you doknow these things, but here's
where you're struggling.
So, yeah, you are 100% rightthat it used to be that
(03:59):
preschool focused on theseinterpersonal skills, and then
kindergarten is where,cognitively, we know,
scientifically, they're ready.
They're ready now to absorbinformation, to retain
information and to use it in ascaffolded way so that they can
move forward with curricula.
(04:19):
So it's really challenging, and, you know, one of the things
we're going to talk a little bitabout today is the COVID
generation.
Those kids are not anywherenear ready, and the expectations
have, once again, not changed.
So two facts that will justblow everybody's mind, but it's
important to know 85% offoundational brain growth is
(04:42):
done by the age of five.
So the literal size of yourchild's brain, 85% of it, is
there by the age of five, whichmeans those neural pathways and
those belief systems and thosecause effect pieces that they
believe to be so true are there.
Then, on the other side, 40% ofkids four out of 10 incoming
(05:07):
kindergartners are actuallytesting as ready to be there.
So we are digging ourselves abig hole and the hole is going
to get bigger.
And if we don't fill that gapbefore we ask these kids to meet
requirements, that is onlybecause they're five years old.
It's their chronological age.
(05:29):
You must be able to handle this.
We are going to find ourselvesin a big, big problem.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
And it also sets them up for failure.
You know, I mean, I feel like,if that's such a pivotal point
too for them to learn thatlearning, not to learn that
learning is fun, it is alreadyfun for them at that point, but
to continue to be fun andexciting is something they want
to participate in.
So, so much going on there, andespecially the COVID thing.
(05:56):
There's such a kink in things.
So let's I'm excited to talkabout this standards are
standards, right.
We can't, we can't change themat this point, right.
It is what, what is expected,how we deal with it, though,
right, and how we parent, we cancontrol.
So, in my well, let me just say, when we say who are the COVID
generation, you know in action,well, I'm.
(06:19):
I feel like you tell me if I'mwrong I feel like all kids in
school are the COVID generationin some ways.
My son was going through thetransition from elementary
school to middle school duringCOVID, and so when it all ended
and he was in middle school, itwas like it was, like it was
supposed to know all thesethings and be responsible in the
ways that they would havetaught them in those years, and
(06:41):
it didn't really happen becauseof COVID.
So is it are all kids the COVIDgeneration?
I mean, no, we think of thelittle ones right that were home
during all of this.
But what is that?
What does that mean when we sayCOVID generation?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
That's a fantastic question.
So they're actually.
You're right in that.
So there's two answers.
One is the technical definitionof these kids who are going to
be labeled Gen C, right, theCOVID generation, oh, is that
what it's called?
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Yeah, oh, I've never heard this before.
Oh my goodness, yeah, oh, wow,okay, sorry, keep going.
I didn't use my mind with that.
I didn't know there was a namefor it, but now I know.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So these kids are right now between one and six
years old and the reason thatthey are defined as such is that
they were going through thatfive year 85% brain growth burst
during that time period.
So, yes, they are early yearsaffected.
(07:36):
However, you are also correctin that every student,
regardless of their age or gradelevel, the world hit pause on
their learning and developmentopportunities.
Wherever they were.
It hit pause and they now haveto recover those systems,
(07:59):
recover how to be that socialperson who can take on the job
of self advocacy and say Iactually don't understand what
you're talking about and I needyour help because I missed some
really important pieces alongthe way.
The problem is with kids likeyours, they're already in such a
(08:23):
wild evolution of selfdevelopment hormonally they
don't have that self awareness.
They don't have the presence ofmind or the language to say can
you just hold on a second, prof, I'm having a moment and I need
your help.
Yeah, so we have to be aware.
As parents, we have to takestock of exactly what you just
(08:45):
said.
When COVID happened, my childwas at this age and let's add
three years to that and talkabout what you missed during
that time frame.
And maybe it wasn't a ton.
I've talked to parents who saiddo you know what Our mini pods
actually enhanced my child'ssocial, emotional learning?
(09:07):
And they are now going back toa system where they have
upleveled.
Now, what about the cognitionright?
What about the core curriculathat they missed?
Yeah, they have to make some ofthat up, but they're doing okay
on this side.
So, yes, the COVID generation isreal and they are our tinies.
(09:28):
Yes, everybody has beenaffected.
But this really brings us backto the humanist of it that as
parents, it's our job to be soaware of who our children are
that we say I know you so wellthat I imagine this part of post
(09:49):
pandemic living is really hardfor you.
So I'm going to give you alittle extra boost where you
need it here.
You're such.
You've always been someone whoI had one of these.
You've always been someone whostruggles to stand up and say to
your teacher I didn't get thator I need help.
So you've always been a quieterobserver, more introspective
(10:11):
kiddo.
So if you struggle, please cometo me so that I can bridge that
gap for you.
Help you write an email thatmakes sense.
Teach you ways that feelcomfortable, so that you're
confident communicating what youneed to others now.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
And to point out to you you're not saying so I can
do it for you, so I can fix itfor you, which I think is often
our instinct.
Sometimes it's like, well, it'sjust easier if I just do it
right.
Sometimes we feel that way, butalso we're protective and mama
bear is a phrase for a reasonand so oftentimes I think we
feel like we need to fix thingsor do it for them instead of,
(10:53):
like you said, bridge the gapand teach them how to advocate
for themselves in those moments,which is so crucial.
That's a skill that theycertainly need, you know,
because they're going to need itin life.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, and that's the thing.
These are life skills.
Right, knowing what year WorldWar One started is far less
important than knowing how tosay this test wasn't my best
work.
I think it's because I didn'tunderstand what was going on in
(11:25):
class last week, but I didn'tsay anything not to my mom, not
to my teacher, not to my friendand then going inward again and
saying, okay, let me reassessNext time.
I'm feeling like this is astruggle.
What's a new strategy that Icould use and I can try?
I am all about kids owning whatthey can and coming to us when
(11:51):
they feel like they need support, because they trust us not to
problem solve, but becollaborative, and that's where
my collaborative parentingmethodology comes from.
What do we want from ourteenagers more than anything in
the whole wide world?
Speaker 1 (12:07):
We want them to be kind, self-sufficient people.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
And tell us anything.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Yes, of course.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
We want that open communication, tell, we want
them to tell us anything, whichmeans they have to trust that
we're not just going to jump inand solve it for them.
We have to trust that they'regoing to be heard, listened to,
talked with not to invited tocome up with potential solutions
and then allow us on thejourney with them, and they're
(12:37):
also going to be willing tolisten to our ideas and say
that's actually a really goodidea.
Yeah, I'll try that.
That's collaboration, that'steamwork, that's what we do as
adults in the corporate world.
That's what we do with ourpartners when we're struggling
to solve something.
And I teach parents how to dothis with their kids as early as
(13:01):
the toddler years, because whenyou win those toddler years,
you're already set up for theteenage years.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
So I've said this to so many of my guests lately, but
I wish I would have met you somany years ago.
Right, whenever we'restruggling and just muddling
through and trying to find thethings that work.
So if you're listening andyou're at that stage too and
you're like, well, my kidsaren't toddlers anymore, we can
still do it.
Right, if your kids aren'ttoddlers, fantastic, start now.
(13:29):
But if not, we can still do it.
We can still make this impacton our kids.
So one of your things that youtalk about is five executive
functioning skills that kidsneed to have in order to reach
their milestones right?
So just kind of jumping rightinto that what are these skills
and how in the world do we helpimplement them in our children?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yeah.
So let me just say before Ijump into them that a lot of
them are counterintuitive to theway that the world works right
now, which is really hard as aparent, because if you are so,
the first one is waiting.
The first one is delayedgratification, the ability to
know that you have started theball rolling on something but
(14:15):
you're not going to get ananswer right away.
I'm dealing with this right nowwith my 18 year old, who's
applying to college, and shejust wants to know the answer.
Yesterday and she said four tosix weeks.
I have to wait.
It's just so frustrating forher.
(14:36):
But this idea that we can calmourselves and know that we can
wait for an answer or a solutionto show up is something we have
to do as adults, and it startswhen we are children and, of
course, we live in an instantgratification world.
So the more tech they use atevery age and stage, the more we
(15:02):
are telling, training theirneural system you immediately
get this hit, you immediatelyget some dopamine, you
immediately get some serotonin.
I will keep you happy everysingle solitary second, and then
they go out into the real worldand that's just not the way it
is.
The waiting is the first one.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I feel like that maybe wasn't something that we
necessarily had to be taughtwhen we were kids, because that
was the way of the world.
If you had a friend who movedaway and you wanted to
communicate with them, you wroteletters and you'd send a letter
and it would take days and thenwait for the response back.
Or if you wanted to buysomething, you had to wait until
somebody would take you to thestore to do it.
(15:46):
And now it's like you saideverything from social media and
the internet, finding outinformation immediately, or same
day deliveries on things.
I want this.
I mean, I get it.
It's going to be here today.
So you're right, it is a skillthat has to actually be taught,
which is so backwards.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Even Google think about it.
Kids as young as nine have aquestion.
They want the answer.
They don't go search for theanswer, they don't wait and see
if it pops into their head.
They don't ask some friends andget their opinions.
They take 0.3 milliseconds.
Ask the great Google and theyhave an answer.
They are immediately gettingtheir problems solved, and this
(16:28):
is problematic as we moveforward Now as a parent.
Here's what I'm going to tellyou.
If you say, okay, I'm committedto teaching my child how to
wait, you have to be preparedfor their reaction when you draw
the line.
They're not going to bethrilled about it.
They will give you pushback.
So that's why I teach what Icall my parenting.
(16:51):
Why, and for each family thisis very personal and we write a
personalized parenting missionstatement, and if this is a core
value that matters to you, thenyou know why you are saying yes
, you may have a phone, but whenyou are 14.
Right?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I had this sweet kid at the youth group.
He looked at me the other dayand he said, yes, what?
And I said what?
And he said I am so excited I'mgetting a phone with
restrictions and my heart was sohappy, oh, he's just excited
about the positive part of itfor him.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
That's great.
When I was going to ask youwhat is an example of teaching
our kids waiting skills andobviously the phone is such a
common one and one of thosethings that we constantly have
in our conversations with ourkids and all that, so I think
that was a great one.
Is there any other examples offthe top of your head that we
could?
Because the phone is a one anddone, right, yes, you can wait
(17:52):
until this, until you're turningthis age, whatever age we agree
on.
What other ways can we teachwaiting in, just like our
regular lives?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Well, I mean, I don't want to harbor on the media too
much, but I feel liketelevision is a great one.
I have kids all the families Iwork with all the time that say
you know, my kids seem to be ina habit.
As soon as we get home fromschool, they just say, oh, can I
turn on the TV?
Or oh, can I watch a show.
And I feel like that's a greatopportunity to say yes, but not
(18:22):
until after, so it's stillwithin the same day and you're
not saying no.
I love saying yes and and thengiving the caveat Just after
dinner, after bath or, evenbetter yet, setting that time
aside that they always know isthe time they're allowed to have
(18:42):
that show and saying, hmm, wedon't watch that until these
things are done, becauseactually we're tagging into
another one of my executivefunctioning skills, which is
time management.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Oh yes.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
And if you are able to say to yourself okay, this is
something I want.
I'm not going to get it rightnow, but I am going to after I
prioritize my time and do thesethree things, you are somebody
who is able to think as you growup about setting a goal and
(19:17):
what do I have to do first toachieve it?
And should I do the hard thingfirst or the easy thing first?
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And is there a correct answer on that the hard
thing first or the easy thingfirst?
If you have a list of threethings that you have to do to
achieve your goal, or is it just, does it make a difference?
Does achieving one easy thinghelp you go on to the harder
things?
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I think it entirely depends on who you are.
Personally, I'm a high achieverand I internally motivate right
.
I have this internal motivationto succeed and I'm great at
making my lists and knowing thatI need to get them all done in
order to reach that goal.
However, I have another kiddowho's a very extrinsic motivator
(20:00):
.
She needs something from theoutside getting her to get going
and then helping her stay inmotion to get those things done.
And so if that's who you areand you know that about yourself
or you know that about yourchild, then I absolutely think
you have them do the hard thingfirst, because then the next
(20:22):
things that they do feel betterto them and they're more
motivated to keep going.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Okay, that makes sense, and do you have any other
examples for us about ways toinstill time management in those
kids besides with the TVexample?
I think is great you can watchTV after you do these things but
any other examples that wecould think, oh yeah, that's
easy enough, I can do this todaywith my kids.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
So something that I love.
I call it my three step plan,my mini plan I love.
So if your child has to getsomething done, or if you have
somewhere you need to be likeyou're trying to get out of the
door, ask them what are thethree things that you think that
we need to get done before weleave.
Ask them to use theirprefrontal cortex right to get
(21:11):
that executive functioning gearsgoing so that they're like oh
wait, I know I'm going to need abackpack, I know I need my
lunch.
There was something else.
Oh right, I need sneakers forJim today.
And then they're able to sitback at you and you're like
great, what do you think youshould do?
First, what do you think youshould do second, what do you
(21:32):
think you'll do?
Third, go get those things done.
And the more that you practicethat with them, the more it
becomes a self talk habit wherethey bump up against something
and they're struggling and maybeyou're not around, maybe
they're at school and they thinkI forgot my shoes for Jim today
(21:53):
.
What will I do?
Right?
And now they're like oh wait,let me think if I can come up
with three things that wouldhelp me solve this problem.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, Besides, just call mom, which obviously is one
of the solutions, but thefallback right.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
What do you do?
I've had this many times with mychild was a big forgetter of
snow boots in Vermont here.
Right, what do you do?
And I mean, I'm a big free likeyou, get one free pass.
That's what I used to say.
You get one free pass.
And if this, if that happenedagain during the same week, I
would say this is a naturalconsequence to you not managing
(22:34):
your time well in the morningand planning.
Therefore, you will have towait until you get home.
Organize your life so thattomorrow you have them with you.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
And it sounds, I mean , it makes perfect sense.
It sounds so simple.
In the moment it's so hardbecause we just want to fix
things, to go back to that right, but it is so important that
we're thinking through thesethings and giving them
opportunities to learn fromtheir mistakes, because how else
are they going to learn?
So so, waiting and timemanagement those are two of our
(23:06):
executive functions and greatexamples of ways we can teach
them.
What else do we have on thelist of things that they really
need to know?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Emotional regulation.
It is key and it is notsomething that is taught per se.
It should be and it can be, butit's not something that's on
our radar as parents to teach.
We model it, whether we'remodeling it in a positive way or
(23:36):
we're modeling it in anexplosive way.
Either way, our kids aregetting a message, because kids
learn from every singleinteraction they have with
people that have relationshipswith, whether that is.
I just learned that my mom had areally long, hard day and she
came home and she said it outloud Today was really long and
(23:57):
really hard, and I don't have alot of patience left, so I'm
just telling everybody thatright now I'm going to try my
best to stay in control, but ifI lose it, that's why that is
self-awareness and regulationand then forecasting it for your
family.
That is one way.
(24:19):
The other way is to hold it inand then explode on your family
and they go what the heck'swrong with mom today?
I don't understand.
I didn't actually do anything.
I just put my plate in thisspot instead of this spot and
boof.
There she went.
That was your last straw.
(24:39):
Emotional regulation is reallyimportant and it's a core piece
of the curriculum that I teachwith parents who have tiniest.
It's not impossible to overcomethat barrier once your child
gets older, but I will say theyhave strong belief systems in
place.
(24:59):
When I feel this way, this iswhat I do.
We'll just have to reteach someof those.
They also have a lot ofincreased hormonal activity
going on.
Sometimes it's hard to getthrough that barrier, depending
on the day, but knowing how tocalm yourself when you get into
an emotional heightened state isa really important skill to
(25:24):
have as a human being at everysingle age For sure.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Just like the old adage, they don't learn from
what you say, they learn fromwhat you do.
If we want them to be able toshow emotional restraint when
they're feeling upset, the onlyway they're going to learn that
is by watching us, I say thisall the time I grew up hearing
do as I say, not as I do.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Oh right, that's it, that's it.
But, it doesn't work.
Doesn't work.
I say do as I do and I'll learnto do better.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Oh, I like that, I like that, all of you.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Because here's the deal with emotions, and we know
this is adults.
We say you can't hold them up,you can't bottle them in or else
you explode.
Emotions have to move, they areenergy and they move through
your body.
And if you don't move themthrough in a way that makes
sense is when you get physical,specifically children, kids who
(26:28):
don't have the presence of mindto understand how to label the
emotion.
Which one is this?
I don't.
I'm feeling something, but Idon't even know what to call it
and I can't talk about it.
And if I can't talk about itthen I'll just hit my friend.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
So in that suggestion , in that situation, do you
suggest that we are assuming?
I see that you seem to befeeling frustrated or are you
feeling frustrated?
Is there a better way to goabout it?
And helping them label thoseemotions, because we know that's
so crucial too?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Yeah, we can start by assuming, but always asking for
input.
So I prefer it looks like or itsounds like, because then I'm
mirroring for them.
It looks like your body is outof control right now.
You must be feeling somethingreally really big.
Is it anger?
You tell me what you think itis.
(27:23):
Is it frustration?
Is it overwhelm?
Give them a few, because youreally want their emotional
vocabulary to grow.
Kids can't believe.
The only three emotions in theworld are happy, mad and sad.
They need to know there's more.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah, all right, that's great, all right.
So, moving on to our fourth one, I'm taking notes as we go.
These are all fantastic things.
Even as a parent of a teen,these are still.
These are fantastic things.
So what is another skill orfunction that we need to help
our kids be equipped with?
Speaker 2 (27:55):
We need flexible thinking.
Flexible thinking is hard.
Yes, right, this morning ithappened to me I couldn't find
my shoes.
I knew I walked in the housewith them on my feet last night,
so they had to be somewhere inthe building.
My husband went on the hunt.
I went on the hunt, nobodyfound the shoes.
(28:17):
And I was just so frustratedand the back of my brain I was
saying to myself just weardifferent pair of shoes, right,
right, be flexible, be flexible.
But I was so stuck on thisresult.
I did eventually wear anotherpair of shoes, yay me.
But this ability to flex is soimportant and kids going through
(28:46):
massive moments of developmenttend to not want to think that
way.
I describe it as the more outof control we feel, the more
control we take.
Toddlers do that and teenagersdo that, right, yeah.
So teaching them that there'smore than one way to solve
(29:10):
something, or there's more thanone way to get where we're going
.
Sometimes I'll do that BecauseI'll have kids in the back seat
and they'll say to me this isn'tthe way to the school.
I'll say did you know?
There's lots of ways to get tothe school Today I'm trying this
way.
I thought it would beinteresting.
Oh look, we've never seen thatbefore.
(29:32):
Giving them the opportunitiesto think flexibly when it's not
about something they care deeplyabout allows you the space to
then get in there when it issomething they care deeply about
and say this maybe will happenthe way you want it to and it
maybe won't.
(29:52):
I'm dealing with this right nowwith my girl.
My 18-year-old is going toJapan.
She's moving and she's going tobe in a pair for a family over
there, and can she get a visa?
That's the bigger question, andso we're working on it and I
said you need to think aboutbest case, worst case and
(30:13):
possible.
Worst case is this all goeswithout a hitch.
Worst case is you go for 90days, come home and then we get
your visa In the middle.
You'll figure it out as you go.
It's hard for her.
She wants all the answers rightnow Right, but she's got to
think flexibly because the worldis not black and white.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I think that's such an important skill too, as we
grow to be adults in the waysthat we think about ideas and
concepts and our beliefs and allof those things we have to be
willing to accept.
There are other ways, like yousaid, other potential options,
other ideas, other thoughts, allof those things.
And if we don't learn that,like you said, about the things
that are minor to us, then werewe ever going to be able to
(30:59):
accept that with things that wefeel passionate about?
Speaker 2 (31:03):
And when you look at it like in a social psychology
space, that bigger picture.
If we learn to be flexiblethinkers from a young age, we
are more able to be empatheticand compassionate to others who
think differently than we do.
It's okay that you believesomething that I don't believe.
We can still be friends and wecan still enjoy each other.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
And likely better problem solvers too.
Right, because they're willingto look for more avenues than
just the one that was in frontof them directly.
Yeah, absolutely, that's agreat tip.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
And again you go to school and then they tell you
there's one way to solve themath problem and you're like
wait a minute?
I just figured it out this way.
I'm with that kid, by the way.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
In the public school anymore for about 12 reasons.
That's wonderful, yes.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I know exactly what you're saying there.
We're in the process of doingthose things as well, of
figuring out the one way that issupposedly accepted when we are
trying to teach our kidsotherwise.
So that's funny.
So these have been great.
So we've got one more.
What is the one other that yousuggest that you think we really
have to focus on when ourkiddos are young, so that
they're equipped to be adults?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So this one wraps them all together, and this is a
highly defined sense of self,because every child is a unique
human being, and we know thisand we say this, but we don't
tend to apply it to thesituations in the world.
(32:37):
So we want our kids to know whothey are.
So, from the earliest days, Iteach parents how to observe
their children's naturalcharacteristics and abilities
that are just so easy for them.
Right, oh, here's my socialbutterfly.
And teach your child You'resomeone who really likes to be
(32:59):
around other people.
When we go out in the world,you're always making new friends
.
You're never afraid to sayhello to people.
Teach them who they are.
I also teach them how toobserve what their child is not
so naturally gifted at, sociallyand emotionally, and work with
them that way too.
So the opposite of that kid wasmy Velcro child, who was
(33:23):
literally attached to my body inone way or another for the
first 10 years of her life theone, by the way, who's going to
Japan.
So I did my job.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Oh, you did an amazing job.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
And I would say to her when we're going somewhere
today and there's going to be alot of people and I know that
doesn't feel good to your bodyit's fine if you want to stay
close to me, but today let's seeif we can keep one fingertip of
space between us.
And then the next time let'ssee if we can keep one fist of
(33:56):
space between us and slowlyevolve her comfort level and her
world, because that's somethingshe was going to need to do on
her own when I wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
I think that, overall , though, in order for us to
teach these things to our kidsand I think these are fantastic
ideas and milestones that wewant to reach with them we have
to be aware of them andourselves, because so often in
the moment it's like well, we'regoing to be going here, you got
to go there regardless, dealwith it, kind of thing.
(34:30):
We would say that to the kids,but sometimes our frustrations
can just get into where theytake over and we're like why
can't you just be comfortable inthat situation but really
starting to dig more into it andrealizing they're just a
different person Just becauseI'm comfortable in that
situation doesn't mean anybodyelse's.
They're different, unique,individual people and building
on their strengths and improvingtheir weaknesses I don't know
(34:54):
if weakness is the right word,but their struggles is so
crucial.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
It is, and practicing that, being an acute observer
allows you actually to do a lotof self-reflection and
introspection.
I tell people your kids are notcarbon copies of you.
They go wow, you're right.
I just oh, she has my nose, shehas his ears.
(35:22):
We immediately start with that,from the minute they're born.
Be a detective, be curiousabout who your child really is
and you will find out so muchmore about who you really are.
If you do this within thecomfort of your own home, it's
big work.
It's parenting, personaldevelopment.
But you've got to do it there,otherwise, when you go outside
(35:47):
of your home and you parent inpublic, it's all going to fall
apart Because the world is goingto be very, very quick to tell
you well, my kid potty trainedin three days and my kid had no
trouble sleeping since fiveweeks old.
And you sit there and if you'renot very strong in who am I,
(36:08):
I'm learning who my child is andI know what my core family
values are and who it is I wantto raise and what skills I want
to teach them.
It's really easy to get talkedoff the ledge?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah for sure.
Well, Kara, I think this hasbeen tremendously helpful, and
you do coaching, and there'slots of different ways that
people can engage with youthrough social media and your
website and work with you, butyou also have a freebie right
that people can go to yourwebsite and get some more
information.
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Yeah, so I do tend to work with people who have
younger kids, and not that Ican't work with people that are
older.
But if you're listening and youhave a plethora of children and
some of them are toddlers andtantrumming, grab my freebie
it's called Five Mindful Mantrasfor Managing Toddler Meltdowns
and I help you come back tocenter so that you can help your
(37:00):
child come back to center andthen process what happened.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
I love it.
Well, again, you've beentremendous.
These are fantastic tips andI'm sure people are going to
want to connect with you.
So if we will link toeverything in the show notes, so
it's easy to find Kara's socialmedia accounts on her website
and the freebie and all of that.
So, again, really appreciateyour time and this insight.
It is extremely helpful and,like I said, as a mom of a tween
(37:24):
and a teen, I've gleaned a lotfrom this already that I can
start incorporating in my life.
Wish I would have known whenthey were toddlers, but can
certainly start with now.
So thank you again for yourexpertise.
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