February 3, 2025 • 41 mins
Can you imagine transforming your relationship with your rebellious teenager? In this illuminating episode, Pei-I, an integrative teen and parent behavior specialist, offers a wealth of insights drawn from her own journey from rebellion guiding families through turbulent times. We'll dive into the nuanced differences between typical teenage antics and more severe, concerning behaviors, providing you with practical tools to recognize and address the root causes.
Unlock the secrets to effective communication with your teenager by maintaining a curious mindset and avoiding assumptions. Pei-I underscores the importance of asking open-ended questions and truly listening to your teen's perspective. Discover how your past interactions shape their current behavior and learn strategies to rebuild trust and foster a supportive dialogue. This episode is packed with actionable advice on how to understand your teenager's experiences and create a more open and trusting relationship.
Strengthen your emotional bond with your teen through dedicated "date nights" and early intervention in behavioral issues. Pei-I emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help to navigate the complexities of co-parenting and atypical teenage behavior. With tailored strategies that consider your family's unique dynamics, this episode provides you with the tools to nurture mutual understanding and teamwork. Tune in for practical tips and heartwarming advice to help you maintain and improve your relationship with your teenager.
Connect with Pei-I
Need Pei-I's help to have your own family breakthrough? Get it here. You can also find Pei-I on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Pei Yi.
Pei Yi is an integrative teenand parent behavior specialist
and she has lots of great thingsto share with us today about
how to communicate with ourteens, especially whenever we
end up with some a little bitmore on the rebellious side.
So really excited to have thisconversation.
Pei Yi, thanks for being heretoday.
(00:20):
Thank you for having me,elizabeth.
I love talking so well, tell usa little bit about you, then,
how you know, what's yourbackground, and how did you end
up with this being your focus inlife?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Well, as Elizabeth is .
I'm a PE and I'm a Taiwanese atheart, but a Scottish by choice
, because I live in in Scotlandfor 20 years now and I think my
journey of doing what I do is areally fascinating one.
But coming short story is, Iwas that rebellious teenager
myself and I grew up in Taiwanand back in Taiwan era there was
(00:57):
just no support for my parentswhatsoever.
You know you can imagineTaiwanese culture.
You know there's just nosupport.
What's parenting?
And so my parents reallystruggled with me for about six
years, and I really struggledmyself for six years really.
So there's always this seed inmy mind thinking you know what,
one day I grew up, I want tohelp children, I want to help
(01:18):
families, so people don'tstruggle like my family did.
And my life journey has beenreally interesting.
Took me to Scotland.
I just studied and studied andthen found out oh, there's this
wonderful thing I can do withfamilies.
So then, but two years ago Ileft my corporate job and
decided to come up to have myown parenting practice.
Just do it my way.
(01:38):
There's nobody tell me what todo, but do it my way.
And it's been a reallyinteresting journey because you,
you know when you're working incorporate, there's always rules
you have to abide to, but nowit's only my rules, the way I
want to help family, and it'sbeen very fascinating.
So that's where I'm at today.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
That's great.
That's great, and you knowthere are so many different
resources out there to helpdifferent stages of parenting,
but one that we have not talkedabout on this podcast before,
though, is really dealing withmore difficult and, like we said
, to use the word, rebellious Iguess that's the biggest, the
best way to describe it thatmany, many families deal with
(02:17):
this as their kids are growingand becoming more of who they
are inside, and trying to figurethat out.
Sometimes they behave in waysthat we don't necessarily want
them to do, and how do we helpthem to continue to grow, be the
person that they are, but alsoparent at the same time, right,
instead of just letting them dowhatever they want?
So, so I mean, what do you sayto, starting off, to the person
(02:39):
who's like well, is my kidrebellious or are they just a
typical teenager?
Is there a difference?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
There is definitely a difference, right?
You know, like the normal backchat, that is really normal, as
a teenager or your teenager wantto stay in their bedroom, and
that's actually a very healthydevelopmental milestone.
They want autonomy, they wantprivacy.
You know I'll be very worriedif your teenage children want to
be with you 24, 7 hours a day.
Right, that will be worrisomefor me.
(03:07):
So I think you need to look atif the behavior is out of a
developmental zone.
You will be very worried interms like thinking oh is my
teen absconding, running away,not coming home?
I don't know who.
The friends are always hiding onthe phone, talking, chatting.
I don't know who they'retalking to.
Or you know lies that you can'tunderstand it's just lies and
after lies, or then.
(03:28):
Or being really aggressivetowards you.
You know it's not just like nomore disrespectful, being a bit
cheeky, like don't tell me whatto do, I don't want to do what
you want, and you know it's likeI'm gonna kill you or you shut
the f up.
You know all these things I'llbe thinking that is a bit
worrying and rebellious, atleast to say, but at the same
(03:48):
time, we need to understandwhere they're coming from,
though, because the behavior isnever the cause, it's just a
symptom to tell the parentsactually, you know what I am not
feeling, okay, and I need youto help me, but I don't know how
.
So they tell you through theirbehavior.
But at the same time, parentsmight find that really quite
(04:09):
difficult to manage, thinking Iraised you and this is not how I
raised you, right?
And my little girl, my littleboy is?
no longer listening to me andbecoming really disrespectful.
It's quite hard for parents tonavigate, actually.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Absolutely, and I love that you said that behavior
is.
It is their communication right?
They don't know how to come andtell us that something's wrong.
They might not even know what'swrong, right, but there's
something going on.
So how do we begin to help them?
And, like you said, obviouslywe need to recognize there's
something that's causing this,but how do we begin to dive into
(04:47):
that?
That seems so heavy and deep.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
It's really heavy and deep, but at the same time, it
doesn't need to be difficult,right?
I think the first thing I wouldadvise the parents are thinking
about when your children enterthe adolescent hood we need to
be prepared to grow with themlisten, hood.
We need to be prepared to growwith them.
That's really important andthat means you need to start
thinking about your parentingpractice.
(05:10):
What the bit I need to change?
Adapt to my teenagersdevelopmental needs.
You know they are not thatfive-year-old say like you know,
go, go, sit on a naughty chair,or you be naughty, go do that
or don't eat that sweet, right?
That kind of communication willno longer work with your
teenager, right?
So you should start thinkinghow do I grow with my teenager?
Then they start to think aboutyou know what sort of knowledge
(05:31):
and what my teenager is goingthrough, what other things I
need to know being a teenager?
We all been a teenagerourselves, right, right, but
when we were teenagers we reallydidn't know what was going on.
Although everybody tells you, oh, teenagers are terrible, you
know, they're just rebellious,they do this and they do this,
but actually teenagers are sofunny and they're just in a very
(05:53):
different stage of their lifethan they were growing up.
So I always advise the parentsto really, you know, get
yourself more knowledge aboutwhat's really happening in the
teenage years.
You know the brain development,their social skills, the
emotional literacy, all of thosethings and that when you notice
your teen is not the usual self, the first thing I will always
(06:13):
tell the parents is toacknowledge what you see, but
not the behavior, the feelingsbehind the behavior.
So if your child is coming, ifyour teenager is coming to like
throwing the chair or slammingthe door, you are not gonna go
like don't slam the door.
Of course you want to put someboundaries in place, that.
But you want to say, hey, it'sreally not like you to slam the
(06:34):
door.
You look a bit upset.
What happens?
Right, that's always.
The first step I wouldencourage the parents to do is
to think about how I can attendto the feelings first, before
you actually think about whatboundaries in place or what
strategy you want to implementto help your teenage children.
Really Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So what do we do, though?
Yeah, that absolutely makessense.
But what if they slam the doorbecause they're angry at us and
we ask them what's wrong?
Obviously they're irritated atus or they just don't know.
How do we continue, Like, howdo we dive into that so that
they can really start to diginto it?
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Yeah, I suppose it's a continuous effort and
repetition, isn't it?
So, for example, elizabeth, youare a mother, right, and you
also work.
You might come home, slam thedoor, the cupboards or being
very grumpy, and you know yourkid might tell you mommy, look
at me, I'm sick today, right,right.
Then you might say, no, I'm notreally upset, yeah, I don't
(07:33):
want to talk about.
Oh, you know what mommy is okay, but that is part of the
communication.
That's a starting point, butyou need to, you can.
Then your kid might tell you,or your kid coming home, vice
versa, your kid come home likethat, mommy, somebody, you did
something to me in school, likehit me when we were playing, or
whatever.
You'll come for them, but whenthey're not ready to talk, you
will always come back to thatconversation.
But you always tell them youknow what.
(07:54):
Mommy's here to listen.
When you're ready to talk, I'mhere.
It's that invitation is therefor them, and I think it's
really important for theteenagers to know.
It's really important for theteenagers to know the invitation
is there I'm here to listenwhen you're ready to talk, but
at the same time, for theteenagers to know or for the
parents to know when I ask youthat's not like you, and why are
you slamming the door?
(08:14):
Doesn't necessarily have tohave the first response back,
and teenagers doesn't usuallytell you that, like you said,
and it's about being patientwith the process.
You know I'm here to listen.
You know you're ready and therewill be moments your teenagers
are settled and then, whenyou're having a nice time, so
what happened the other day?
It's really not like you, youknow.
So it's like being stayingcurious as well and don't let
(08:36):
the conversation goes, becauseparents, sometimes your life is
easy.
Teenagers might forget andparents might.
Oh, that's the other day thatI've forgotten about you now,
but you'll will come up withagain.
So it's always remember thoseconversation and when do you
have them?
How to have them is reallyimportant.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah, I think that that's so key because it is so
easy to be like oh, that's inthe past, right, let's just well
, let's just move on.
But it takes active parentingon our part to open ourselves up
and have those conversations.
I have found my oldest is ateenager and I found that he is
most likely to talk to me whenhe's when I'm about to go to
sleep, you know, like at night.
(09:11):
Thankfully, he still lets mescratch his back, so I'll sit in
there and scratch his back.
You know he's relaxing andthat's when he mostly wants to
open up to me, even though I'mlike I'm really ready to go to
bed.
But we have to take advantageof those opportunities because
that's when he's feeling safeand ready to speak Right.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely, and it's those moments you want to grab,
like you say.
You know, even if it's twoo'clock at night, you want to
sleep.
Let me speak to them, and youknow they don't usually like to
share their thoughts andfeelings and if they want to,
like you say, they feel really,really safe.
They feel they can come to youto speak about things.
And I think that's the things.
Parents struggle sometimes,thinking my kids don't tell me
(09:51):
anything anymore, you know, andthey don't, you know, want us to
know certain part of theirstory, which I think is okay too
, but that's quite hard to tofor parents.
It's like but I used to knowabout everything, like the
playgroup, you know theirfriends and who they play with,
what they're doing.
But now I don't, you know.
But, like I say, it's part ofthe development and it's
(10:12):
actually a healthy developmentis they have privacy.
There's this part of my life.
I want to keep it to myself,but when I'm ready, then I will
tell you.
You know, as long as they'renot doing anything, you know
you're worrying, right, right.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Well, are there any questions or prompts that you
suggest that we kind of keep inour back pocket that might
encourage them to open up, or,on the flip side of that, things
that we shouldn't say or thingsthat we should ask?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Well, I always encourage the parents to make
sure your conversation isconcise and small dosage Right.
And I think one thing parentsdo and it's really good
intention is they want to helptheir teenagers.
They know they're upset, theyknow they're angry, they know
they're troubled about somethingand they want to get to the
bottom of it.
But when your teenager is notready to talk, they're not ready
(11:00):
to talk and they were justgoing to be having a.
What is that?
A reverse effect.
You know they're not ready totalk and they were just going to
be having a.
What is that?
A reverse effect?
You know they're just likeleave it alone more like they
might get even more angry.
So it's about being able toattune to your teenager's signal
, right?
So I will say to the parentsread, read into that and then
just be patient, like I said.
But the one thing I will alwaysencourage the parent, the
(11:23):
strategy to use, is be curious,right?
When you have that curiouscuriosity in mind, you don't
assume anything and it's likeyou're talking to your
colleagues.
You'll be curious.
You don't just go into the oh,it's because of this, so then
you're this, then you're goingto tell them to do xyz.
It's the same thing with theteenagers.
You know what happened theother day.
Oh, I wonder if there's this.
(11:44):
What happened to Jay?
Oh, is Jay still coming to thehouse?
So you are actually beingcurious about the circumstances,
but, again, attune to yourteenager's mood and needs,
because at that time they mightnot want to talk.
That will be the strategy Igive to parents, which is a very
important strategy is becurious, yeah, and you need to
(12:06):
know when to pause theconversation and I like what you
said about being concise.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
I know that's a struggle for me is wanting to.
Sometimes I just will go on toolong and trying to relate to
them and really I'm juststifling the conversation when I
should be asking more justopen-ended questions, right, and
giving them more space.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think the parents if youlook at the intention, it's
amazing.
They really want to supporttheir kids, they want to educate
their kids and every momentbecomes a teachable moment.
But imagine you leave it likethat with a partner.
Every moment is a teachablemoment.
I think that would drive uscrazy If my husband was like
(12:44):
that I told you this and thisand this.
Oh my God, I think I'll bedivorced.
Very soon.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
That is true, though.
Right, that is a great point.
We need to teach them or treatthem the way that we would like
to be treated as well, andnobody likes to be told what to
do all the time, anytime, really.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Sometimes your teenagers just want you to
listen.
Sometimes they just want you tolisten.
Sometimes they just want you tocome for them.
You know and I think that'sanother thing to remember is it
to and I think teenagers mightstruggle with this and the
parents struggle with this aswell because they don't know how
they're feeling, they don'tknow what they need.
So the parents can actually askyou know, what do you need me
to do right now for you?
(13:21):
Is it to listen, or is it togive you advice, or is it we're
going to solve the problemtogether, which is really
important for the team a skillfor the teenagers to learn
through the communication andconfidence actually to be able
to ask for help when they needto.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah, oh and that that that hits home because I,
you know, sometimes I just wantto vent to people and when they
start telling me how I shouldhandle the situation, I get
defensive because that's notwhat I wanted.
I just needed somebody tolisten to me.
But you're absolutely right, asparents we feel like we need to
fix it.
We want to fix it.
So making ourselves just zip itand not offer advice when it's
(13:56):
not asked for, that's difficult,but I can see how that's super
important.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yeah, and it's difficult, but it's definitely
doable and it just requires somepractice.
And I think what is difficultfor the parents is because you
know your roles andresponsibilities are different.
You never date your teenagers,steal your child right, and you
want the best for them, you wantto be there for them, you want
to do things for them and atsome point you want to feel
(14:23):
needed, you want to feel likeyou can still do something for
your teenagers and when you feelthat rejection is like no, I
don't want this, that is hardfor parents to manage.
So there's a lot of feelingsinvolved that probably parents
would not be thinking about andthat could be in the way you
know sometimes.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
What do you say to the parent who's like I have
tried, I've tried, I've tried.
My kid will just not open up tome.
There's this wall here.
I don't know how to break itdown.
What do you suggest in thatscenario, when it's just waiting
for them and being availablefor them still isn't opening
things up?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
I will actually go back a step earlier is to think
about your relationship withyour teenager.
Yeah, as a starting point, tothink about the quality of your
relationship, the strength ofyour relationship.
What is in the way for yourteenagers to open up to you?
You know, what is yourteenager's experience of you,
(15:20):
right?
Is it something that happenedin the past, like every time
your teenager tell you somethingand you go like you know, I
told you what to do this or whatdid it?
You know, or you make yourteenagers feel bad about
themselves, or they feel likeyou know, I told you not to do
this, or you make your teenagerfeel bad about themselves, or
they feel like you know what.
You're just going to say no, oryou're just going to make me
feel X, y, z.
So we need to think about thesethings.
What was your teenager'sexperience of you as a parent,
(15:41):
which is really important, and Ithink sometimes parents forget
about this.
They think this is my children,they know I love them and yes,
they do.
But there's also theirexperience of you is so
important, you know.
So I think I would advise theparents to think, go back, to
think about what's yourrelationship like with your
teenager.
And if you do really have agenuine, connected, healthy,
(16:03):
good relationship with yourteenagers, I really don't see
your teenagers won't open up toyou.
You know I will always thinkthere's a barriers in their, the
challenges in the relationshipfor the teenagers not feel safe
or the experience of you in thepast has stopped them from doing
that, and how to rectify thatis.
Go back to think about how canyou strengthen your relationship
, how can you change thatexperience of your team, the
(16:26):
your teenagers experience of youwhen they come to say to you
something like like mom, Ismoked cannabis last night,
you're not going to go.
What Drug is not allowed, youknow?
And the next thing, the nexttime they won't come to you for
anything anymore.
So you might need to do yeah,you might need to say oh, okay,
that comes a bit of a surprise.
You know, tell me more.
(16:47):
I think it's really important.
You can always put the boundaryin after you know the whole
story.
But I think the parentssometimes get so worried they're
just like this is not happening.
I'm gonna pull my foot down,this is your boundary.
So then you miss out the wholestories from your teenager.
But they forget if you actuallystay calm, be curious and
listen.
(17:08):
Then you can get the wholestory and respond, interact
rather than react Right Like,yeah, I can do these things.
Your teenagers, you know, willactually appreciate that.
And then you can go and put theboundaries in place, which is a
very successful sequence.
And your teenagers know,actually I can come to my mom
and dad and speak about thingsthat you know, I know they
(17:29):
weren't like and I know I didn'tdo that purpose, about my
friends or X, y, z.
So that's really important forthe parents to think about.
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Well, what do you say to the parent?
That's like I blew it.
They came to me about something.
I did react instead of acting,and I wasn't curious.
How can I repair that so?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
that next time they might feel comfortable coming to
me.
Very easy Go back to have theconversation with your teenager.
You know a lot of parents willbe thinking like, oh, that's
been done.
I have to assert my authority.
I cannot go back to do this,they will disrespect me.
Actually, I see it verydifferently when you are able to
admit you're wrong and made amistake and rectified that.
Your teenagers see that is aappreciate that and you're also
(18:14):
role modeling.
It's okay, I don't always knoweverything, but I'm able to
change my course of action tomake things right.
So just go back to yourteenagers.
You know what?
Last night was late, late atnight and I was really sleepy.
I didn't really think Iresponded very well to you last
night and I'm really sorry aboutthat.
Let's have a conversation again.
This is how we're gonna do andit's the same thing.
(18:34):
You know.
Sometimes the parents willbecause they hit over the moment
.
You're grounded for two months.
You'll never look.
I see your phone again andanyway, hey, I just told them
that I can't take this back,otherwise I'm losing my
authority, right?
Yeah, that happens all the time.
I said no, you can what youwill tell your teenager.
Last night you made a decisionbecause xyz, and this is how
(18:56):
you're going to change yourdecision.
And then it works out.
Every single time teenagersappreciate that it's like, oh,
this is not the usual responseI'm getting.
This is great, you know and youwant to teach your teenage
children you are allowed to makemistakes.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, that's what I was going to say.
Not only are you kind of fixingthat situation, but they're
seeing that you can makemistakes and how to handle it
when you do, because obviouslywe want our children to grow up
to be respectful partners andthings like that, and sometimes
they're going to make mistakes,but if they just don't ever
acknowledge it, you know that'show you can really cause issues
(19:35):
in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
So if we want them to learn how to do that, they have
to learn how to do it somewhereright.
So it should come from usAbsolutely.
And I think one thing theparents often forget about is
the after moments conversation.
You know they think, oh, wealready had that conversation.
Say, last night your teenagerslammed the door and then the
the next game day you have thatconversation with your teenager
and say, all right, don't do itagain.
But what really needs to happenis do you know what, tom?
Okay, imagine your child's talk.
(19:57):
Sorry is next time when ithappens, when you're upset, what
are some of the things you cando instead of slamming the door?
So you're also teaching yourteenage children how to problem
solve and have differentstrategies rather than slamming
door.
But you know so and the parentssometimes forget about these
things like these moments are soimportant because then you're
teaching them problem solvingskills, you're giving them
(20:18):
different alternative strategiesto manage their feelings.
You're also modeling, you know,naming their feelings for them,
which are really important.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
And it's more work.
Right, it's more work, so it'seasier just to be like ah well,
that's in the past.
But in order, you know, we haveto put in the work, right.
If we want to raise healthy,happy human beings, then we have
to put in that work.
We have to do the hard thingssometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
And those conversations can be very fun.
You will be so surprised yourteenagers are so creative and
they will come up with reallygood ideas.
Okay, maybe next time I'll justdo this instead.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
You mentioned something earlier and you were
saying you know, for an exampleof a rebellious child and you
were talking about maybesomebody who lies just all the
time about everything, what doyou say to the parent who's
listening that has that childhow?
And they can't.
They just really can't trustthem over even the silliest
things.
Is there?
Is that something that we canbreak through with our kids, or
is that a bigger issue?
At what point do we need to belike I'm not qualified to help
(21:18):
with this?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
OK, this is a really good, interesting question,
elizabeth.
Because you know what, whenyour child have a cough right or
runny nose or have a fever, yousend them to the doctor
straight away.
But when you actually have adifficulty at home with your
child or with your partner, withthe co-parenting challenges,
people don't come out and askfor help.
They think you know well, I canmanage this.
But sometimes you know, if youdon't prevent things from the
(21:45):
get go, sometimes it can makethings worse for your family.
So I suppose I want toencourage the parents to think
about it differently.
You know it doesn't have to bethe last minute then you go ask
for help.
You need to think about theearly on stage, you know,
because nobody teaches you howto be a parent to begin with.
Right, you learn how to be aparent through your own
(22:05):
experiences or thinking okay,I've been through that, so I
don't want my kids to experiencethat right, so that I want to
get out there say it's okay toask for help and ask help as
early as you can, because thenyou can prevent a lot of
challenges along the way.
Right, coming back to the lyingpart of the thing, the trust,
and I work with a lot ofteenagers and parents.
Actually, the trust was justnot there at all, you know.
(22:28):
But trust can be.
If you think about trust isbroken, then you can think about
trust can be repaired too.
Right, but it's a processbetween two people.
How do you repair that trustand again that trust with each
other, and it doesn'tnecessarily just coming from the
parents themselves.
The teenagers also play a veryimportant part in this mutual
(22:52):
process.
But always encourage the parents, always coming back to your
relationship and yourexperiences, what makes you
think you, what makes yourteenagers want to lie to you?
You know why can't they trustyou with the truth?
You know what did you say ornot intend to say, but landed
with them very differently, orhow they receive your message
(23:14):
very differently, so theyinterpret it like okay, that's
what it means.
I, I'm not gonna be like this,so I'm just gonna keep lying.
Or I know when I tell the truth, I'm gonna get into a lot of
trouble.
Or when I tell the truth, I'mgonna feel bad about myself.
So this happens very often.
But it's about how do you havethat conversation with session
with your teenager?
I keep talking about havingconversation, right, because
(23:35):
it's so important.
Having conversation is part ofthe communication because you
create a sheer meaning.
When you have that conversation, you know which is so important
.
So you want your teenager tounderstand why you're worried
about the lie and why is thetrust not there and how can we
rebuild this trust.
But at the same time, it's notabout your lecture and your
child.
It's about teenagers have theirsay why can't you trust me as
(23:59):
your mom or as your dad?
What did I do and how can Imake this different Right?
So that requires mutual processand teamwork for the parents
and teenagers to regain thattrust.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
And you touched on something, too, that I think is
so important.
You said, whenever you'resaying, what did I say?
Or how did they interpret whatI said?
Because that is so different,right, those are two very
different things what we say andhow it is interpreted totally
different things.
And so I feel like sometimes wesay things that we think that
shouldn't have hurt theirfeelings or they shouldn't be
(24:31):
upset about that, right, but theway they interpreted it was not
the way we meant it.
That happens so often, right,and that can be a major issue
between parents and teenagers incommunication.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Absolutely.
You always want to think abouthow is this going to land with
my teenage children, right?
Are they going to interpret itas, like, I am slacking them or
I'm giving them a hard time, orthey're going to think I'm
actually being a very empowering, encouraged mom and parent just
now.
Yeah, so definitely think aboutthat's really important and,
like you say, all these littleconflicts and communication or
(25:03):
misunderstanding can really likedrift you apart with your
teenager.
Yes, yeah, absolutely, becauseone thing I encourage the
parents to do is this phase.
The most important task ofbeing a parent is to make sure
you stay connected with yourteenager's thinking and feelings
, and you will not go wrong fromhere, right?
(25:23):
So it's think about how do youdo that.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I think that's great advice.
So what else beside you?
We've talked about beinginquisitive, right, being
curious, giving them space tospeak when they're ready, but
making sure that they alwaysknow that we're there for them.
Trust is so important.
What other tips and tricks doyou have for us in your tool bag
that we can use to make surethat we are continuing to build
(25:46):
those strong relationships?
Speaker 2 (25:50):
continuing to build those strong relationships.
Well, I always say, like youknow, take your teenagers on the
date right, because you thinkyou're present, you're 24-7
available.
That means you're emotionallybonding with your children.
It's not, we know.
And if my husband is around24-7 without doing anything with
me or cook for me or do nicething for me, I wouldn't think
we're bonding.
It's the same with your teenagechildren.
They know you love them but atthe same time you also need to
(26:13):
make them feel special and theyhave regular time with you,
right.
So I always encourage theparents to set a regular date
with your teenager on a weeklybasis or every fortnight, to
know this is our special timetogether.
So your teenagers knowingactually you know what every
Friday night is my mom and ourfilm night or our special time,
and that's really importantbecause that's you know, it's
(26:34):
like you when you go on datingsomeone.
Those times are really specialand you want to treat this as
those special dates with yourteenager because they're growing
up fast.
Very soon they will leave inhome, they'll be leaving home
and then they will have theirown girlfriend, a boyfriend, and
then you'll be like oh you know.
So we treasure this this time.
And the other thing yeah, and I, so that will be encouraged
(26:55):
parents to do that to strengthentheir relationship.
And then the other thing is Ithink we need to give our
teenager, the, the language andthe opportunity to speak up
their mind and to speak andcommunicate what they're
thinking, because I thinksometimes they don't always have
the language and capacity totell you actually I don't like
(27:18):
what is happening right now or Idon't appreciate you know how
you were teaching me this whenI'm actually feeling like this.
And they need the permissionfrom the parents to do that.
You know, and we want to invitethem.
You know what?
If you feel like this isdifficult, need the permission
from the parents to do that, youknow, and we want to invite
them.
You know what?
If you feel like this isdifficult to talk about, you can
tell me and maybe you can saysomething like mom, can we post
this?
This is really hard to listento, but we can come back to this
(27:41):
.
So I think we need to give ourchildren permission to be able,
and the language to be able, tocome back to feedback to us,
what they experienced and whatthey need from us, which is
really important too.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Yeah, you know that I had not.
I've thought about this in someways before, but what you just
said made me think.
Like, as a business owner, Iask for feedback from my
employees at least once a yearon how I can make things better
for them, right?
But I would have never thoughtto do that with my own kids.
And even if it's feedbackthat's hard to hear, right,
(28:13):
that's probably the mostimportant feedback, right?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Yeah, and one thing I ask parents all the time is
because I speak to the parents,right, and I will always ask
them to imagine a mentalizing isthat if your teenage children
were here with us, what wouldthey say about their
relationship with you?
Right?
Which is a very powerfulquestion to ask, because you
start to think, oh my God, whatwould they say about my
relationship with them?
(28:37):
Is it good or is it different?
Is it going to be the same, asI think that's always a good
question to ask yourself theboundaries you put in place.
If I ask your children rightnow, why do you think your mom
put boundaries in place for you,what would they say?
Right, there's really importantbecause you're doing something,
but doesn't mean your teenagerunderstand why you're doing
(29:00):
something yeah, so bear that inmind to ask yourself question.
If I ask my teenagers what mycore values, our family values,
are, what would they say?
Do they know so?
These are good questions to askyourself as a parent.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
I suppose, yeah, absolutely so much of it really
comes down to like you said.
You started with saying theirbehavior is communication and it
is communicating back to uswhatever we have put out there.
Right?
That just is the way it is.
It is not, oh, my goodness, mykid's just so hard to deal with.
Well, maybe I'm hard to dealwith, right?
(29:42):
We need to really lookinternally to see how we're
causing or what the effect isthat we're having on them.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Yeah, because it's relational right.
It's not one way, it's arelationship.
So relationship it's two people, so there's always two people's
behavior, feelings and thoughtsinvolved.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
You know, and I think we forget actually teenagers
are people too, but they justhappen to be our children right,
absolutely, and I think whatyou're saying makes sense in all
relationships, right, betweenmarried partners or spouses or
anything you know anything likethat.
But we, you said our, ourteenagers, are people too.
They just happen to be ourchildren, that is.
That is a really profound, Imean, it really is.
(30:23):
We makes you look at itdifferently.
So I think that's great, andone.
I wanted to go back reallyquick to one thing you mentioned
earlier about the date.
I love that idea and wanted toclarify does it matter?
Is it like a?
Does it?
Does one-on-one time need to beinstilled or can it be a date
with the siblings, or can momand dad both be there?
Does it make a difference ifwe're doing one-on-one time
(30:45):
versus the others?
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Okay, let me ask you this question If you're going on
a date with your partner, doesit matter your mom tags along or
does it matter your child tagalong?
Oh, does it matter your childtack along?
Oh, does it matter your friendstack along, yeah it does right.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
It's a very different experience.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Yeah, it's a very different experience and the
dynamics change.
So it's no longer about you andyour teenager anymore.
It's about the other two people, the other three people, the
five people together, right?
So I will always encourage that, one to one time, and we're not
talking about five hoursmarathon time together.
We're talking about, you know,30 minutes baking together or 10
(31:21):
minutes doing things.
You know you can start small,because what we want to do is
start small and then built on it.
Right, because you don't wantto start with the three hours
like, oh, let's spend threehours together and then you can
do two hours in one hour, right,so you want to start small.
But what is helpful is to letyour teenage to know every
Thursday night is our nighttogether, and then what happened
?
If you can't do it, tell yourteenagers you know what.
(31:42):
So that's the night.
Oh, something came up.
But let's do it on Fridayinstead.
So you will know, your teenagerwill know actually mommy or dad
actually values his timetogether.
Yeah, dad actually values histime together.
Yeah, so we're still going todo it right there.
He hasn't forgot about me, orhe hasn't forgot about our time
together, and what I encouragethe parents to do very often is
come up with a activity menu,right, so you don't have to
(32:03):
think about what we're doingtoday.
You can just write down things.
You know all the things youwant to do, like baking, going
to cinema or go for ice creamsor skateboarding, you know, know
all these things, and then youcan just pick one from the menu
every week.
So that thing is really easy.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
That's a great idea and I love that you suggested
like baking or things like that.
It doesn't even have to,because oftentimes when I think
of a date, I think of gettingready, going somewhere, spending
money and all of that, you know, and so even just a few minutes
of really focused one-on-onetime, that's what's important,
right?
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Or go for a walk together.
Walk the dog, go for, you know,in the park, you know let's
just go out to get some fish.
It's our time together.
You know, when you're datingsomeone, anything you do is
exciting.
That's right.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
You know, it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be
like Lash, you know, in a veryexpensive restaurant.
These things be curious, bepatient, give them opportunities
to speak when they're ready,make time for them.
That they know is important tous too.
These things should, we shouldsee improvements in our
relationship if we're strugglingwith those relationships.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Absolutely.
You know you want to continueand remember.
Consistency is the key right,and I've seen a lot of parents.
I've tried that it don't work.
But how consistent you are, youknow it's really important.
You don't want to do like let'sspend time together and then
the next week does it and oh, Ithink about it three weeks later
do it again, because thenthere's no consistency, there's
no predictability for yourteenage children.
(33:48):
They'll be like you know what.
It's just another thing she'strying.
She's not going to stick withit oh yeah right and we don't
want that.
No, who wants to feel like that,you know yeah, and I think
sometimes we forget about ourchildren.
This is their lived and livingexperience.
Right, that's really importantto remember is their living
experience.
So every moment, everything yousay counts and matter to them.
(34:11):
One day, when they're 35 yearsold, they'll be telling their
teenage years story to theirfriends Say I remember my mom, I
remember my dad, that's true,and we can shape hopefully shape
those experiences somewhat sothat they'll be sharing
favorable stories.
Children are so influential.
(34:32):
They often forget about this.
They think they just want tospend time with their pals and
peers, and that is not true.
Right, it's there within thedevelopment they want to spend
time, the social development,that's right.
But they always want their momand dad to be there for them
right, for some, somebody who toguide and support.
They will always come to youand that's important.
(34:54):
Let's not forget about that.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So parents are very influential, you know yeah, even
when we're adults, right, westill you know like I mean you
you still want mom at some pointyou know you're so, like I'm
nearly 50 years old, I stillknow exactly.
Oh well, I think I think thiswas a really valuable
conversation and you offer morecoaching, more tutoring, working
(35:20):
with families, work intoespecially with parents of
teenagers, right?
So tell us a little bit moreabout what you offer.
If somebody is like, okay, Ilike these things, I think I
need still a little bit morehelp and they'd like to connect
with you, tell us a little bitmore about your programs.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Okay, so my program actually mainly, essentially, is
called restoring.
What's that?
I forgot my program's name.
Sorry, it's called FamilyBreakthrough 90 Days Restoring
Harmony in 90 Days.
And because I work with parentsand with teenagers that you
know, really disconnected, witha lot of attention, a lot of
conflicts, and they've triedeverything.
(35:54):
Nothing works.
So parents come to me and I'llalways make it work in 90 days,
that is, and using my methodthat I designed through my 30
years of experience working withvulnerable children, teenagers
and families.
However, what I'm offering thefamily right now is a family
breakthrough audit.
What parents what essentiallydoes is parents will, but they
(36:17):
will purchase the familybreakthrough audit and they
complete a questionnaire calledyour unique family blueprints.
And this is my thinking andthought it's so important is
that's why generic strategiesdon't work for families, because
your family makeup is verydifferent.
There's a story to your family.
So, elizabeth, you have yourown story, your partner have
(36:37):
their own stories and then whenthe two people coming together,
it's a very different dynamic.
So we need to know about yourfamily blueprint to be able to
give tailor-made strategies tomake it last, actually impactful
and sustainable.
And if you were a parentexperiencing, you know,
experienced domestic violence inthe past a good example if you
(36:59):
experienced domestic violence inthe past and if the people who
are supporting you doesn't knowthis part.
When you have a teenager who'saggressive towards you, you're
more likely to be triggered.
You're going to either freezeor feeling very scared.
All of these things and if youdoing this, you can't give the
parents just say you know whatwhen your teenager's being
aggressive, do X, y, z andthat's the strategy can be very
(37:20):
counterproductive and can bevery unhelpful, and I've seen a
lot of parents for the past 12years in this place, you know.
So.
That's why I designed thisunique blueprints for families
to look at their family makeup,understand their families, their
family makeup, understand theirfamilies and help the person
who helped them myself to betterunderstand their family
blueprint.
So what they do is theycomplete a questionnaire and
then they came.
I will send them a video aboutbeing really laser focused as to
(37:44):
what you know you need to focuson right now to be able to
break through and have positivechange in the family home, and I
will offer them strategies andalso some of the you know,
continuous roadmap for them tofocus on, so there's a clear
path for them to go.
Oh, if I do, it's like you'relosing weight, right?
I want to lose 10 pounds.
So I start with this, then I dothe next and the third, and
(38:06):
that's what I'm doing for theparameters.
Now, that's what I'm offering asmall experience of my 90 days
program.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
I love it and you know.
I think that, like you werejust saying, if you're trying to
lose weight or you're trying toimprove some kind of skill that
you use for work, or whatever,we're like ready to invest our
time and our resources inbecoming better at a lot of
things, but why would we not putparenting in there?
Right, like that's the one,that's our most important job,
(38:34):
right?
So parenting in there, rightlike that's the one that's our
most important job, right?
Speaker 2 (38:37):
so why would we not invest in that so exactly?
And it's your family you'reraising your legacy, your
children, who also going tobecome, might become parents one
day, and how they parent theirchildren will be from you, right
.
So it's really important.
I don't think and I definitelywant to encourage parents if
you're struggling, definitely goseek help.
You know I'm saying likeprofessional help.
(38:58):
Okay, there's different help.
Of course, you can go to yourfriends and run to go to your
family members if you needpractical support, but you
really want like helpfulstrategies thinking about your
co-parenting challenges or yourteenagers out of character
behavior or certain thing, youdefinitely need to seek
professional help becauseotherwise you get things worse
for you.
Dr Google is very helpful forgeneral advice If you want to
(39:19):
know child development.
There's a lot of things on DrGoogle.
But, like I say, if you don'tknow, dr Google doesn't know
your family makeup.
They don't know how you repaira relationship.
They don't know how youcommunicate.
They don't know your beliefs,core values.
You know where you're comingfrom, what's influenced your
parenting practice.
You know all those things andthat's when things get really
difficult.
So definitely seek out forprofessional help at the
(39:39):
earliest onset possible and youwill benefit your family so much
more.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Well, this was fantastic.
I really enjoyed ourconversation.
I learned a lot.
I'm sure those listening arelearning a lot as well, and if
you would like to connect withPayee, if you would like to
check out this blueprint thatshe has, we will include the
links for everything and hersocial media accounts and all of
that in the show notes, so it'seasy just to scroll down, click
on that and you'll be able toconnect with her and learn more
about what she offers and thedifference that she's making in
(40:06):
families.
So, payee, again, so thankfulfor you.
Thanks for being here today andhaving this conversation.
It was really awesome, thankyou for having me, Elizabeth.
I told you, I like talking.
That's what podcasts are about,right, so it's perfect.
I was on the.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
UK News last month, uk National TV and last April,
and I got 10 minutes of yourtime.
I was like I wish I had an hourto me I was gonna say even 10
minutes, that's huge.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
My background's in journalism, broadcast journalism
.
10 minutes, that's a long timein airtime.
Well, thank you for being here.
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green, andtoday's guest is Pei Yi.
Pei Yi is an integrative teenand parent behavior specialist
and she has lots of great thingsto share with us today about
how to communicate with ourteens, especially whenever we
end up with some a little bitmore on the rebellious side.
So really excited to have thisconversation.
Pei Yi, thanks for being heretoday.
(00:20):
Thank you for having me,elizabeth.
I love talking so well, tell usa little bit about you, then,
how you know, what's yourbackground, and how did you end
up with this being your focus inlife?
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Well, as Elizabeth is .
I'm a PE and I'm a Taiwanese atheart, but a Scottish by choice
, because I live in in Scotlandfor 20 years now and I think my
journey of doing what I do is areally fascinating one.
But coming short story is, Iwas that rebellious teenager
myself and I grew up in Taiwanand back in Taiwan era there was
(00:57):
just no support for my parentswhatsoever.
You know you can imagineTaiwanese culture.
You know there's just nosupport.
What's parenting?
And so my parents reallystruggled with me for about six
years, and I really struggledmyself for six years really.
So there's always this seed inmy mind thinking you know what,
one day I grew up, I want tohelp children, I want to help
(01:18):
families, so people don'tstruggle like my family did.
And my life journey has beenreally interesting.
Took me to Scotland.
I just studied and studied andthen found out oh, there's this
wonderful thing I can do withfamilies.
So then, but two years ago Ileft my corporate job and
decided to come up to have myown parenting practice.
Just do it my way.
(01:38):
There's nobody tell me what todo, but do it my way.
And it's been a reallyinteresting journey because you,
you know when you're working incorporate, there's always rules
you have to abide to, but nowit's only my rules, the way I
want to help family, and it'sbeen very fascinating.
So that's where I'm at today.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
That's great.
That's great, and you knowthere are so many different
resources out there to helpdifferent stages of parenting,
but one that we have not talkedabout on this podcast before,
though, is really dealing withmore difficult and, like we said
, to use the word, rebellious Iguess that's the biggest, the
best way to describe it thatmany, many families deal with
(02:17):
this as their kids are growingand becoming more of who they
are inside, and trying to figurethat out.
Sometimes they behave in waysthat we don't necessarily want
them to do, and how do we helpthem to continue to grow, be the
person that they are, but alsoparent at the same time, right,
instead of just letting them dowhatever they want?
So, so I mean, what do you sayto, starting off, to the person
(02:39):
who's like well, is my kidrebellious or are they just a
typical teenager?
Is there a difference?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
There is definitely a difference, right?
You know, like the normal backchat, that is really normal, as
a teenager or your teenager wantto stay in their bedroom, and
that's actually a very healthydevelopmental milestone.
They want autonomy, they wantprivacy.
You know I'll be very worriedif your teenage children want to
be with you 24, 7 hours a day.
Right, that will be worrisomefor me.
(03:07):
So I think you need to look atif the behavior is out of a
developmental zone.
You will be very worried interms like thinking oh is my
teen absconding, running away,not coming home?
I don't know who.
The friends are always hiding onthe phone, talking, chatting.
I don't know who they'retalking to.
Or you know lies that you can'tunderstand it's just lies and
after lies, or then.
(03:28):
Or being really aggressivetowards you.
You know it's not just like nomore disrespectful, being a bit
cheeky, like don't tell me whatto do, I don't want to do what
you want, and you know it's likeI'm gonna kill you or you shut
the f up.
You know all these things I'llbe thinking that is a bit
worrying and rebellious, atleast to say, but at the same
(03:48):
time, we need to understandwhere they're coming from,
though, because the behavior isnever the cause, it's just a
symptom to tell the parentsactually, you know what I am not
feeling, okay, and I need youto help me, but I don't know how
.
So they tell you through theirbehavior.
But at the same time, parentsmight find that really quite
(04:09):
difficult to manage, thinking Iraised you and this is not how I
raised you, right?
And my little girl, my littleboy is?
no longer listening to me andbecoming really disrespectful.
It's quite hard for parents tonavigate, actually.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Absolutely, and I love that you said that behavior
is.
It is their communication right?
They don't know how to come andtell us that something's wrong.
They might not even know what'swrong, right, but there's
something going on.
So how do we begin to help them?
And, like you said, obviouslywe need to recognize there's
something that's causing this,but how do we begin to dive into
(04:47):
that?
That seems so heavy and deep.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
It's really heavy and deep, but at the same time, it
doesn't need to be difficult,right?
I think the first thing I wouldadvise the parents are thinking
about when your children enterthe adolescent hood we need to
be prepared to grow with themlisten, hood.
We need to be prepared to growwith them.
That's really important andthat means you need to start
thinking about your parentingpractice.
(05:10):
What the bit I need to change?
Adapt to my teenagersdevelopmental needs.
You know they are not thatfive-year-old say like you know,
go, go, sit on a naughty chair,or you be naughty, go do that
or don't eat that sweet, right?
That kind of communication willno longer work with your
teenager, right?
So you should start thinkinghow do I grow with my teenager?
Then they start to think aboutyou know what sort of knowledge
(05:31):
and what my teenager is goingthrough, what other things I
need to know being a teenager?
We all been a teenagerourselves, right, right, but
when we were teenagers we reallydidn't know what was going on.
Although everybody tells you, oh, teenagers are terrible, you
know, they're just rebellious,they do this and they do this,
but actually teenagers are sofunny and they're just in a very
(05:53):
different stage of their lifethan they were growing up.
So I always advise the parentsto really, you know, get
yourself more knowledge aboutwhat's really happening in the
teenage years.
You know the brain development,their social skills, the
emotional literacy, all of thosethings and that when you notice
your teen is not the usual self, the first thing I will always
(06:13):
tell the parents is toacknowledge what you see, but
not the behavior, the feelingsbehind the behavior.
So if your child is coming, ifyour teenager is coming to like
throwing the chair or slammingthe door, you are not gonna go
like don't slam the door.
Of course you want to put someboundaries in place, that.
But you want to say, hey, it'sreally not like you to slam the
(06:34):
door.
You look a bit upset.
What happens?
Right, that's always.
The first step I wouldencourage the parents to do is
to think about how I can attendto the feelings first, before
you actually think about whatboundaries in place or what
strategy you want to implementto help your teenage children.
Really Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So what do we do, though?
Yeah, that absolutely makessense.
But what if they slam the doorbecause they're angry at us and
we ask them what's wrong?
Obviously they're irritated atus or they just don't know.
How do we continue, Like, howdo we dive into that so that
they can really start to diginto it?
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Yeah, I suppose it's a continuous effort and
repetition, isn't it?
So, for example, elizabeth, youare a mother, right, and you
also work.
You might come home, slam thedoor, the cupboards or being
very grumpy, and you know yourkid might tell you mommy, look
at me, I'm sick today, right,right.
Then you might say, no, I'm notreally upset, yeah, I don't
(07:33):
want to talk about.
Oh, you know what mommy is okay, but that is part of the
communication.
That's a starting point, butyou need to, you can.
Then your kid might tell you,or your kid coming home, vice
versa, your kid come home likethat, mommy, somebody, you did
something to me in school, likehit me when we were playing, or
whatever.
You'll come for them, but whenthey're not ready to talk, you
will always come back to thatconversation.
But you always tell them youknow what.
(07:54):
Mommy's here to listen.
When you're ready to talk, I'mhere.
It's that invitation is therefor them, and I think it's
really important for theteenagers to know.
It's really important for theteenagers to know the invitation
is there I'm here to listenwhen you're ready to talk, but
at the same time, for theteenagers to know or for the
parents to know when I ask youthat's not like you, and why are
you slamming the door?
(08:14):
Doesn't necessarily have tohave the first response back,
and teenagers doesn't usuallytell you that, like you said,
and it's about being patientwith the process.
You know I'm here to listen.
You know you're ready and therewill be moments your teenagers
are settled and then, whenyou're having a nice time, so
what happened the other day?
It's really not like you, youknow.
So it's like being stayingcurious as well and don't let
(08:36):
the conversation goes, becauseparents, sometimes your life is
easy.
Teenagers might forget andparents might.
Oh, that's the other day thatI've forgotten about you now,
but you'll will come up withagain.
So it's always remember thoseconversation and when do you
have them?
How to have them is reallyimportant.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Yeah, I think that that's so key because it is so
easy to be like oh, that's inthe past, right, let's just well
, let's just move on.
But it takes active parentingon our part to open ourselves up
and have those conversations.
I have found my oldest is ateenager and I found that he is
most likely to talk to me whenhe's when I'm about to go to
sleep, you know, like at night.
(09:11):
Thankfully, he still lets mescratch his back, so I'll sit in
there and scratch his back.
You know he's relaxing andthat's when he mostly wants to
open up to me, even though I'mlike I'm really ready to go to
bed.
But we have to take advantageof those opportunities because
that's when he's feeling safeand ready to speak Right.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely, and it's those moments you want to grab,
like you say.
You know, even if it's twoo'clock at night, you want to
sleep.
Let me speak to them, and youknow they don't usually like to
share their thoughts andfeelings and if they want to,
like you say, they feel really,really safe.
They feel they can come to youto speak about things.
And I think that's the things.
Parents struggle sometimes,thinking my kids don't tell me
(09:51):
anything anymore, you know, andthey don't, you know, want us to
know certain part of theirstory, which I think is okay too
, but that's quite hard to tofor parents.
It's like but I used to knowabout everything, like the
playgroup, you know theirfriends and who they play with,
what they're doing.
But now I don't, you know.
But, like I say, it's part ofthe development and it's
(10:12):
actually a healthy developmentis they have privacy.
There's this part of my life.
I want to keep it to myself,but when I'm ready, then I will
tell you.
You know, as long as they'renot doing anything, you know
you're worrying, right, right.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Well, are there any questions or prompts that you
suggest that we kind of keep inour back pocket that might
encourage them to open up, or,on the flip side of that, things
that we shouldn't say or thingsthat we should ask?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Well, I always encourage the parents to make
sure your conversation isconcise and small dosage Right.
And I think one thing parentsdo and it's really good
intention is they want to helptheir teenagers.
They know they're upset, theyknow they're angry, they know
they're troubled about somethingand they want to get to the
bottom of it.
But when your teenager is notready to talk, they're not ready
(11:00):
to talk and they were justgoing to be having a.
What is that?
A reverse effect.
You know they're not ready totalk and they were just going to
be having a.
What is that?
A reverse effect?
You know they're just likeleave it alone more like they
might get even more angry.
So it's about being able toattune to your teenager's signal
, right?
So I will say to the parentsread, read into that and then
just be patient, like I said.
But the one thing I will alwaysencourage the parent, the
(11:23):
strategy to use, is be curious,right?
When you have that curiouscuriosity in mind, you don't
assume anything and it's likeyou're talking to your
colleagues.
You'll be curious.
You don't just go into the oh,it's because of this, so then
you're this, then you're goingto tell them to do xyz.
It's the same thing with theteenagers.
You know what happened theother day.
Oh, I wonder if there's this.
(11:44):
What happened to Jay?
Oh, is Jay still coming to thehouse?
So you are actually beingcurious about the circumstances,
but, again, attune to yourteenager's mood and needs,
because at that time they mightnot want to talk.
That will be the strategy Igive to parents, which is a very
important strategy is becurious, yeah, and you need to
(12:06):
know when to pause theconversation and I like what you
said about being concise.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
I know that's a struggle for me is wanting to.
Sometimes I just will go on toolong and trying to relate to
them and really I'm juststifling the conversation when I
should be asking more justopen-ended questions, right, and
giving them more space.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think the parents if youlook at the intention, it's
amazing.
They really want to supporttheir kids, they want to educate
their kids and every momentbecomes a teachable moment.
But imagine you leave it likethat with a partner.
Every moment is a teachablemoment.
I think that would drive uscrazy If my husband was like
(12:44):
that I told you this and thisand this.
Oh my God, I think I'll bedivorced.
Very soon.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
That is true, though.
Right, that is a great point.
We need to teach them or treatthem the way that we would like
to be treated as well, andnobody likes to be told what to
do all the time, anytime, really.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Sometimes your teenagers just want you to
listen.
Sometimes they just want you tolisten.
Sometimes they just want you tocome for them.
You know and I think that'sanother thing to remember is it
to and I think teenagers mightstruggle with this and the
parents struggle with this aswell because they don't know how
they're feeling, they don'tknow what they need.
So the parents can actually askyou know, what do you need me
to do right now for you?
(13:21):
Is it to listen, or is it togive you advice, or is it we're
going to solve the problemtogether, which is really
important for the team a skillfor the teenagers to learn
through the communication andconfidence actually to be able
to ask for help when they needto.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah, oh and that that that hits home because I,
you know, sometimes I just wantto vent to people and when they
start telling me how I shouldhandle the situation, I get
defensive because that's notwhat I wanted.
I just needed somebody tolisten to me.
But you're absolutely right, asparents we feel like we need to
fix it.
We want to fix it.
So making ourselves just zip itand not offer advice when it's
(13:56):
not asked for, that's difficult,but I can see how that's super
important.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yeah, and it's difficult, but it's definitely
doable and it just requires somepractice.
And I think what is difficultfor the parents is because you
know your roles andresponsibilities are different.
You never date your teenagers,steal your child right, and you
want the best for them, you wantto be there for them, you want
to do things for them and atsome point you want to feel
(14:23):
needed, you want to feel likeyou can still do something for
your teenagers and when you feelthat rejection is like no, I
don't want this, that is hardfor parents to manage.
So there's a lot of feelingsinvolved that probably parents
would not be thinking about andthat could be in the way you
know sometimes.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
What do you say to the parent who's like I have
tried, I've tried, I've tried.
My kid will just not open up tome.
There's this wall here.
I don't know how to break itdown.
What do you suggest in thatscenario, when it's just waiting
for them and being availablefor them still isn't opening
things up?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
I will actually go back a step earlier is to think
about your relationship withyour teenager.
Yeah, as a starting point, tothink about the quality of your
relationship, the strength ofyour relationship.
What is in the way for yourteenagers to open up to you?
You know, what is yourteenager's experience of you,
(15:20):
right?
Is it something that happenedin the past, like every time
your teenager tell you somethingand you go like you know, I
told you what to do this or whatdid it?
You know, or you make yourteenagers feel bad about
themselves, or they feel likeyou know, I told you not to do
this, or you make your teenagerfeel bad about themselves, or
they feel like you know what.
You're just going to say no, oryou're just going to make me
feel X, y, z.
So we need to think about thesethings.
What was your teenager'sexperience of you as a parent,
(15:41):
which is really important, and Ithink sometimes parents forget
about this.
They think this is my children,they know I love them and yes,
they do.
But there's also theirexperience of you is so
important, you know.
So I think I would advise theparents to think, go back, to
think about what's yourrelationship like with your
teenager.
And if you do really have agenuine, connected, healthy,
(16:03):
good relationship with yourteenagers, I really don't see
your teenagers won't open up toyou.
You know I will always thinkthere's a barriers in their, the
challenges in the relationshipfor the teenagers not feel safe
or the experience of you in thepast has stopped them from doing
that, and how to rectify thatis.
Go back to think about how canyou strengthen your relationship
, how can you change thatexperience of your team, the
(16:26):
your teenagers experience of youwhen they come to say to you
something like like mom, Ismoked cannabis last night,
you're not going to go.
What Drug is not allowed, youknow?
And the next thing, the nexttime they won't come to you for
anything anymore.
So you might need to do yeah,you might need to say oh, okay,
that comes a bit of a surprise.
You know, tell me more.
(16:47):
I think it's really important.
You can always put the boundaryin after you know the whole
story.
But I think the parentssometimes get so worried they're
just like this is not happening.
I'm gonna pull my foot down,this is your boundary.
So then you miss out the wholestories from your teenager.
But they forget if you actuallystay calm, be curious and
listen.
(17:08):
Then you can get the wholestory and respond, interact
rather than react Right Like,yeah, I can do these things.
Your teenagers, you know, willactually appreciate that.
And then you can go and put theboundaries in place, which is a
very successful sequence.
And your teenagers know,actually I can come to my mom
and dad and speak about thingsthat you know, I know they
(17:29):
weren't like and I know I didn'tdo that purpose, about my
friends or X, y, z.
So that's really important forthe parents to think about.
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Well, what do you say to the parent?
That's like I blew it.
They came to me about something.
I did react instead of acting,and I wasn't curious.
How can I repair that so?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
that next time they might feel comfortable coming to
me.
Very easy Go back to have theconversation with your teenager.
You know a lot of parents willbe thinking like, oh, that's
been done.
I have to assert my authority.
I cannot go back to do this,they will disrespect me.
Actually, I see it verydifferently when you are able to
admit you're wrong and made amistake and rectified that.
Your teenagers see that is aappreciate that and you're also
(18:14):
role modeling.
It's okay, I don't always knoweverything, but I'm able to
change my course of action tomake things right.
So just go back to yourteenagers.
You know what?
Last night was late, late atnight and I was really sleepy.
I didn't really think Iresponded very well to you last
night and I'm really sorry aboutthat.
Let's have a conversation again.
This is how we're gonna do andit's the same thing.
(18:34):
You know.
Sometimes the parents willbecause they hit over the moment
.
You're grounded for two months.
You'll never look.
I see your phone again andanyway, hey, I just told them
that I can't take this back,otherwise I'm losing my
authority, right?
Yeah, that happens all the time.
I said no, you can what youwill tell your teenager.
Last night you made a decisionbecause xyz, and this is how
(18:56):
you're going to change yourdecision.
And then it works out.
Every single time teenagersappreciate that it's like, oh,
this is not the usual responseI'm getting.
This is great, you know and youwant to teach your teenage
children you are allowed to makemistakes.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, that's what I was going to say.
Not only are you kind of fixingthat situation, but they're
seeing that you can makemistakes and how to handle it
when you do, because obviouslywe want our children to grow up
to be respectful partners andthings like that, and sometimes
they're going to make mistakes,but if they just don't ever
acknowledge it, you know that'show you can really cause issues
(19:35):
in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
So if we want them to learn how to do that, they have
to learn how to do it somewhereright.
So it should come from usAbsolutely.
And I think one thing theparents often forget about is
the after moments conversation.
You know they think, oh, wealready had that conversation.
Say, last night your teenagerslammed the door and then the
the next game day you have thatconversation with your teenager
and say, all right, don't do itagain.
But what really needs to happenis do you know what, tom?
Okay, imagine your child's talk.
(19:57):
Sorry is next time when ithappens, when you're upset, what
are some of the things you cando instead of slamming the door?
So you're also teaching yourteenage children how to problem
solve and have differentstrategies rather than slamming
door.
But you know so and the parentssometimes forget about these
things like these moments are soimportant because then you're
teaching them problem solvingskills, you're giving them
(20:18):
different alternative strategiesto manage their feelings.
You're also modeling, you know,naming their feelings for them,
which are really important.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
And it's more work.
Right, it's more work, so it'seasier just to be like ah well,
that's in the past.
But in order, you know, we haveto put in the work, right.
If we want to raise healthy,happy human beings, then we have
to put in that work.
We have to do the hard thingssometimes.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
And those conversations can be very fun.
You will be so surprised yourteenagers are so creative and
they will come up with reallygood ideas.
Okay, maybe next time I'll justdo this instead.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
You mentioned something earlier and you were
saying you know, for an exampleof a rebellious child and you
were talking about maybesomebody who lies just all the
time about everything, what doyou say to the parent who's
listening that has that childhow?
And they can't.
They just really can't trustthem over even the silliest
things.
Is there?
Is that something that we canbreak through with our kids, or
is that a bigger issue?
At what point do we need to belike I'm not qualified to help
(21:18):
with this?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
OK, this is a really good, interesting question,
elizabeth.
Because you know what, whenyour child have a cough right or
runny nose or have a fever, yousend them to the doctor
straight away.
But when you actually have adifficulty at home with your
child or with your partner, withthe co-parenting challenges,
people don't come out and askfor help.
They think you know well, I canmanage this.
But sometimes you know, if youdon't prevent things from the
(21:45):
get go, sometimes it can makethings worse for your family.
So I suppose I want toencourage the parents to think
about it differently.
You know it doesn't have to bethe last minute then you go ask
for help.
You need to think about theearly on stage, you know,
because nobody teaches you howto be a parent to begin with.
Right, you learn how to be aparent through your own
(22:05):
experiences or thinking okay,I've been through that, so I
don't want my kids to experiencethat right, so that I want to
get out there say it's okay toask for help and ask help as
early as you can, because thenyou can prevent a lot of
challenges along the way.
Right, coming back to the lyingpart of the thing, the trust,
and I work with a lot ofteenagers and parents.
Actually, the trust was justnot there at all, you know.
(22:28):
But trust can be.
If you think about trust isbroken, then you can think about
trust can be repaired too.
Right, but it's a processbetween two people.
How do you repair that trustand again that trust with each
other, and it doesn'tnecessarily just coming from the
parents themselves.
The teenagers also play a veryimportant part in this mutual
(22:52):
process.
But always encourage the parents, always coming back to your
relationship and yourexperiences, what makes you
think you, what makes yourteenagers want to lie to you?
You know why can't they trustyou with the truth?
You know what did you say ornot intend to say, but landed
with them very differently, orhow they receive your message
(23:14):
very differently, so theyinterpret it like okay, that's
what it means.
I, I'm not gonna be like this,so I'm just gonna keep lying.
Or I know when I tell the truth, I'm gonna get into a lot of
trouble.
Or when I tell the truth, I'mgonna feel bad about myself.
So this happens very often.
But it's about how do you havethat conversation with session
with your teenager?
I keep talking about havingconversation, right, because
(23:35):
it's so important.
Having conversation is part ofthe communication because you
create a sheer meaning.
When you have that conversation, you know which is so important
.
So you want your teenager tounderstand why you're worried
about the lie and why is thetrust not there and how can we
rebuild this trust.
But at the same time, it's notabout your lecture and your
child.
It's about teenagers have theirsay why can't you trust me as
(23:59):
your mom or as your dad?
What did I do and how can Imake this different Right?
So that requires mutual processand teamwork for the parents
and teenagers to regain thattrust.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
And you touched on something, too, that I think is
so important.
You said, whenever you'resaying, what did I say?
Or how did they interpret whatI said?
Because that is so different,right, those are two very
different things what we say andhow it is interpreted totally
different things.
And so I feel like sometimes wesay things that we think that
shouldn't have hurt theirfeelings or they shouldn't be
(24:31):
upset about that, right, but theway they interpreted it was not
the way we meant it.
That happens so often, right,and that can be a major issue
between parents and teenagers incommunication.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Absolutely.
You always want to think abouthow is this going to land with
my teenage children, right?
Are they going to interpret itas, like, I am slacking them or
I'm giving them a hard time, orthey're going to think I'm
actually being a very empowering, encouraged mom and parent just
now.
Yeah, so definitely think aboutthat's really important and,
like you say, all these littleconflicts and communication or
(25:03):
misunderstanding can really likedrift you apart with your
teenager.
Yes, yeah, absolutely, becauseone thing I encourage the
parents to do is this phase.
The most important task ofbeing a parent is to make sure
you stay connected with yourteenager's thinking and feelings
, and you will not go wrong fromhere, right?
(25:23):
So it's think about how do youdo that.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I think that's great advice.
So what else beside you?
We've talked about beinginquisitive, right, being
curious, giving them space tospeak when they're ready, but
making sure that they alwaysknow that we're there for them.
Trust is so important.
What other tips and tricks doyou have for us in your tool bag
that we can use to make surethat we are continuing to build
(25:46):
those strong relationships?
Speaker 2 (25:50):
continuing to build those strong relationships.
Well, I always say, like youknow, take your teenagers on the
date right, because you thinkyou're present, you're 24-7
available.
That means you're emotionallybonding with your children.
It's not, we know.
And if my husband is around24-7 without doing anything with
me or cook for me or do nicething for me, I wouldn't think
we're bonding.
It's the same with your teenagechildren.
They know you love them but atthe same time you also need to
(26:13):
make them feel special and theyhave regular time with you,
right.
So I always encourage theparents to set a regular date
with your teenager on a weeklybasis or every fortnight, to
know this is our special timetogether.
So your teenagers knowingactually you know what every
Friday night is my mom and ourfilm night or our special time,
and that's really importantbecause that's you know, it's
(26:34):
like you when you go on datingsomeone.
Those times are really specialand you want to treat this as
those special dates with yourteenager because they're growing
up fast.
Very soon they will leave inhome, they'll be leaving home
and then they will have theirown girlfriend, a boyfriend, and
then you'll be like oh you know.
So we treasure this this time.
And the other thing yeah, and I, so that will be encouraged
(26:55):
parents to do that to strengthentheir relationship.
And then the other thing is Ithink we need to give our
teenager, the, the language andthe opportunity to speak up
their mind and to speak andcommunicate what they're
thinking, because I thinksometimes they don't always have
the language and capacity totell you actually I don't like
(27:18):
what is happening right now or Idon't appreciate you know how
you were teaching me this whenI'm actually feeling like this.
And they need the permissionfrom the parents to do that.
You know, and we want to invitethem.
You know what?
If you feel like this isdifficult, need the permission
from the parents to do that, youknow, and we want to invite
them.
You know what?
If you feel like this isdifficult to talk about, you can
tell me and maybe you can saysomething like mom, can we post
this?
This is really hard to listento, but we can come back to this
(27:41):
.
So I think we need to give ourchildren permission to be able,
and the language to be able, tocome back to feedback to us,
what they experienced and whatthey need from us, which is
really important too.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Yeah, you know that I had not.
I've thought about this in someways before, but what you just
said made me think.
Like, as a business owner, Iask for feedback from my
employees at least once a yearon how I can make things better
for them, right?
But I would have never thoughtto do that with my own kids.
And even if it's feedbackthat's hard to hear, right,
(28:13):
that's probably the mostimportant feedback, right?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Yeah, and one thing I ask parents all the time is
because I speak to the parents,right, and I will always ask
them to imagine a mentalizing isthat if your teenage children
were here with us, what wouldthey say about their
relationship with you?
Right?
Which is a very powerfulquestion to ask, because you
start to think, oh my God, whatwould they say about my
relationship with them?
(28:37):
Is it good or is it different?
Is it going to be the same, asI think that's always a good
question to ask yourself theboundaries you put in place.
If I ask your children rightnow, why do you think your mom
put boundaries in place for you,what would they say?
Right, there's really importantbecause you're doing something,
but doesn't mean your teenagerunderstand why you're doing
(29:00):
something yeah, so bear that inmind to ask yourself question.
If I ask my teenagers what mycore values, our family values,
are, what would they say?
Do they know so?
These are good questions to askyourself as a parent.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
I suppose, yeah, absolutely so much of it really
comes down to like you said.
You started with saying theirbehavior is communication and it
is communicating back to uswhatever we have put out there.
Right?
That just is the way it is.
It is not, oh, my goodness, mykid's just so hard to deal with.
Well, maybe I'm hard to dealwith, right?
(29:42):
We need to really lookinternally to see how we're
causing or what the effect isthat we're having on them.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Yeah, because it's relational right.
It's not one way, it's arelationship.
So relationship it's two people, so there's always two people's
behavior, feelings and thoughtsinvolved.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
You know, and I think we forget actually teenagers
are people too, but they justhappen to be our children right,
absolutely, and I think whatyou're saying makes sense in all
relationships, right, betweenmarried partners or spouses or
anything you know anything likethat.
But we, you said our, ourteenagers, are people too.
They just happen to be ourchildren, that is.
That is a really profound, Imean, it really is.
(30:23):
We makes you look at itdifferently.
So I think that's great, andone.
I wanted to go back reallyquick to one thing you mentioned
earlier about the date.
I love that idea and wanted toclarify does it matter?
Is it like a?
Does it?
Does one-on-one time need to beinstilled or can it be a date
with the siblings, or can momand dad both be there?
Does it make a difference ifwe're doing one-on-one time
(30:45):
versus the others?
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Okay, let me ask you this question If you're going on
a date with your partner, doesit matter your mom tags along or
does it matter your child tagalong?
Oh, does it matter your childtack along?
Oh, does it matter your friendstack along, yeah it does right.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
It's a very different experience.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Yeah, it's a very different experience and the
dynamics change.
So it's no longer about you andyour teenager anymore.
It's about the other two people, the other three people, the
five people together, right?
So I will always encourage that, one to one time, and we're not
talking about five hoursmarathon time together.
We're talking about, you know,30 minutes baking together or 10
(31:21):
minutes doing things.
You know you can start small,because what we want to do is
start small and then built on it.
Right, because you don't wantto start with the three hours
like, oh, let's spend threehours together and then you can
do two hours in one hour, right,so you want to start small.
But what is helpful is to letyour teenage to know every
Thursday night is our nighttogether, and then what happened
?
If you can't do it, tell yourteenagers you know what.
(31:42):
So that's the night.
Oh, something came up.
But let's do it on Fridayinstead.
So you will know, your teenagerwill know actually mommy or dad
actually values his timetogether.
Yeah, dad actually values histime together.
Yeah, so we're still going todo it right there.
He hasn't forgot about me, orhe hasn't forgot about our time
together, and what I encouragethe parents to do very often is
come up with a activity menu,right, so you don't have to
(32:03):
think about what we're doingtoday.
You can just write down things.
You know all the things youwant to do, like baking, going
to cinema or go for ice creamsor skateboarding, you know, know
all these things, and then youcan just pick one from the menu
every week.
So that thing is really easy.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
That's a great idea and I love that you suggested
like baking or things like that.
It doesn't even have to,because oftentimes when I think
of a date, I think of gettingready, going somewhere, spending
money and all of that, you know, and so even just a few minutes
of really focused one-on-onetime, that's what's important,
right?
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Or go for a walk together.
Walk the dog, go for, you know,in the park, you know let's
just go out to get some fish.
It's our time together.
You know, when you're datingsomeone, anything you do is
exciting.
That's right.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
You know, it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be
like Lash, you know, in a veryexpensive restaurant.
These things be curious, bepatient, give them opportunities
to speak when they're ready,make time for them.
That they know is important tous too.
These things should, we shouldsee improvements in our
relationship if we're strugglingwith those relationships.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Absolutely.
You know you want to continueand remember.
Consistency is the key right,and I've seen a lot of parents.
I've tried that it don't work.
But how consistent you are, youknow it's really important.
You don't want to do like let'sspend time together and then
the next week does it and oh, Ithink about it three weeks later
do it again, because thenthere's no consistency, there's
no predictability for yourteenage children.
(33:48):
They'll be like you know what.
It's just another thing she'strying.
She's not going to stick withit oh yeah right and we don't
want that.
No, who wants to feel like that,you know yeah, and I think
sometimes we forget about ourchildren.
This is their lived and livingexperience.
Right, that's really importantto remember is their living
experience.
So every moment, everything yousay counts and matter to them.
(34:11):
One day, when they're 35 yearsold, they'll be telling their
teenage years story to theirfriends Say I remember my mom, I
remember my dad, that's true,and we can shape hopefully shape
those experiences somewhat sothat they'll be sharing
favorable stories.
Children are so influential.
(34:32):
They often forget about this.
They think they just want tospend time with their pals and
peers, and that is not true.
Right, it's there within thedevelopment they want to spend
time, the social development,that's right.
But they always want their momand dad to be there for them
right, for some, somebody who toguide and support.
They will always come to youand that's important.
(34:54):
Let's not forget about that.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So parents are very influential, you know yeah, even
when we're adults, right, westill you know like I mean you
you still want mom at some pointyou know you're so, like I'm
nearly 50 years old, I stillknow exactly.
Oh well, I think I think thiswas a really valuable
conversation and you offer morecoaching, more tutoring, working
(35:20):
with families, work intoespecially with parents of
teenagers, right?
So tell us a little bit moreabout what you offer.
If somebody is like, okay, Ilike these things, I think I
need still a little bit morehelp and they'd like to connect
with you, tell us a little bitmore about your programs.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Okay, so my program actually mainly, essentially, is
called restoring.
What's that?
I forgot my program's name.
Sorry, it's called FamilyBreakthrough 90 Days Restoring
Harmony in 90 Days.
And because I work with parentsand with teenagers that you
know, really disconnected, witha lot of attention, a lot of
conflicts, and they've triedeverything.
(35:54):
Nothing works.
So parents come to me and I'llalways make it work in 90 days,
that is, and using my methodthat I designed through my 30
years of experience working withvulnerable children, teenagers
and families.
However, what I'm offering thefamily right now is a family
breakthrough audit.
What parents what essentiallydoes is parents will, but they
(36:17):
will purchase the familybreakthrough audit and they
complete a questionnaire calledyour unique family blueprints.
And this is my thinking andthought it's so important is
that's why generic strategiesdon't work for families, because
your family makeup is verydifferent.
There's a story to your family.
So, elizabeth, you have yourown story, your partner have
(36:37):
their own stories and then whenthe two people coming together,
it's a very different dynamic.
So we need to know about yourfamily blueprint to be able to
give tailor-made strategies tomake it last, actually impactful
and sustainable.
And if you were a parentexperiencing, you know,
experienced domestic violence inthe past a good example if you
(36:59):
experienced domestic violence inthe past and if the people who
are supporting you doesn't knowthis part.
When you have a teenager who'saggressive towards you, you're
more likely to be triggered.
You're going to either freezeor feeling very scared.
All of these things and if youdoing this, you can't give the
parents just say you know whatwhen your teenager's being
aggressive, do X, y, z andthat's the strategy can be very
(37:20):
counterproductive and can bevery unhelpful, and I've seen a
lot of parents for the past 12years in this place, you know.
So.
That's why I designed thisunique blueprints for families
to look at their family makeup,understand their families, their
family makeup, understand theirfamilies and help the person
who helped them myself to betterunderstand their family
blueprint.
So what they do is theycomplete a questionnaire and
then they came.
I will send them a video aboutbeing really laser focused as to
(37:44):
what you know you need to focuson right now to be able to
break through and have positivechange in the family home, and I
will offer them strategies andalso some of the you know,
continuous roadmap for them tofocus on, so there's a clear
path for them to go.
Oh, if I do, it's like you'relosing weight, right?
I want to lose 10 pounds.
So I start with this, then I dothe next and the third, and
(38:06):
that's what I'm doing for theparameters.
Now, that's what I'm offering asmall experience of my 90 days
program.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
I love it and you know.
I think that, like you werejust saying, if you're trying to
lose weight or you're trying toimprove some kind of skill that
you use for work, or whatever,we're like ready to invest our
time and our resources inbecoming better at a lot of
things, but why would we not putparenting in there?
Right, like that's the one,that's our most important job,
(38:34):
right?
So parenting in there, rightlike that's the one that's our
most important job, right?
Speaker 2 (38:37):
so why would we not invest in that so exactly?
And it's your family you'reraising your legacy, your
children, who also going tobecome, might become parents one
day, and how they parent theirchildren will be from you, right
.
So it's really important.
I don't think and I definitelywant to encourage parents if
you're struggling, definitely goseek help.
You know I'm saying likeprofessional help.
(38:58):
Okay, there's different help.
Of course, you can go to yourfriends and run to go to your
family members if you needpractical support, but you
really want like helpfulstrategies thinking about your
co-parenting challenges or yourteenagers out of character
behavior or certain thing, youdefinitely need to seek
professional help becauseotherwise you get things worse
for you.
Dr Google is very helpful forgeneral advice If you want to
(39:19):
know child development.
There's a lot of things on DrGoogle.
But, like I say, if you don'tknow, dr Google doesn't know
your family makeup.
They don't know how you repaira relationship.
They don't know how youcommunicate.
They don't know your beliefs,core values.
You know where you're comingfrom, what's influenced your
parenting practice.
You know all those things andthat's when things get really
difficult.
So definitely seek out forprofessional help at the
(39:39):
earliest onset possible and youwill benefit your family so much
more.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Well, this was fantastic.
I really enjoyed ourconversation.
I learned a lot.
I'm sure those listening arelearning a lot as well, and if
you would like to connect withPayee, if you would like to
check out this blueprint thatshe has, we will include the
links for everything and hersocial media accounts and all of
that in the show notes, so it'seasy just to scroll down, click
on that and you'll be able toconnect with her and learn more
about what she offers and thedifference that she's making in
(40:06):
families.
So, payee, again, so thankfulfor you.
Thanks for being here today andhaving this conversation.
It was really awesome, thankyou for having me, Elizabeth.
I told you, I like talking.
That's what podcasts are about,right, so it's perfect.
I was on the.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
UK News last month, uk National TV and last April,
and I got 10 minutes of yourtime.
I was like I wish I had an hourto me I was gonna say even 10
minutes, that's huge.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
My background's in journalism, broadcast journalism
.
10 minutes, that's a long timein airtime.
Well, thank you for being here.
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