January 13, 2025 • 34 mins
What happens when you realize self-worth shouldn't be tied to achievements? Join us on Speak Out Stand Out as we welcome Nellie Harden, a mother of four and a passionate advocate for young women’s empowerment. Nellie shares her inspiring journey from struggling with self-esteem to becoming a beacon of strength for her daughters. Her story includes confronting a significant family health scare, which reinforced the vital importance of nurturing intrinsic self-value in children, preparing them for a world that often measures worth through accolades.
Discover transformative strategies for building resilient children through authentic communication. Nellie and we discuss the power of regular, meaningful interactions—think FaceTime chats—that encourage kids to feel truly seen and heard. We delve into the importance of recognizing individual learning styles, evidenced by Nellie's personal anecdotes of adapting to her daughter's needs. Uncover how these approaches equip children to navigate diverse communication styles they will encounter in their educational and professional journeys.
Our conversation takes a deeper dive into enhancing parent-daughter relationships with Nellie's empowering programs, "Decoding Daughters" and "Lead the Way." These resources offer parents guidance in raising daughters who are confident and self-reliant. Nellie emphasizes the significance of love and leadership in helping daughters learn to guide themselves before stepping into the world on their own. As we wrap up, we invite you to explore Nellie's insightful weekly articles and resources, readily available through the links in our show notes.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green and today'sguest is Nellie Harden.
Nellie is a wife, mother offour daughters, author and
speaker, and she spends her timefocusing on helping women and
those raising them build afoundation of worth, esteem and
confidence to live the life thatthey were created for.
And, Nellie, we are superexcited to have you here today
(00:22):
to talk about all things girls,but also things that apply to
the boy moms in the listeningarea too.
Right, absolutely.
Thank you so much for having me.
So, first of all, I will sayyou know, I am a boy mom and I
went through the whole.
I really wanted a daughter.
(00:43):
Whenever I found out both ofmine were going to be boys.
Now that we're in the tween andteen, realm.
I have to say that I am gladthat I don't have daughters
right now.
So I am excited to talk withyou because, as a daughter with
a mother, I understand that thiscan be a very challenging and
rewarding dynamic, but verychallenging especially during
(01:05):
those tween and teen years.
So, grateful to have you.
And before we kind of dive intothe full conversation how, what
did you kind of go this pathafter you became a girl mom, or
was this kind of always yourpassion, or how did you end up
here?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Well, it's a long, convoluted story that really
starts from the beginning andyou know just real quick.
It's funny to say when I tellpeople that I have four
daughters that are, you know,all adolescents.
I have four daughters between15 and 19.
Right now, the general reactionis always oh, yes, just yes.
Anything you're feeling andthinking, yes, you know.
(01:42):
But also wonderful, but yes,and so for me.
And how I got here.
I was really so.
I was a.
Obviously I was a young womanmyself once still am but I was a
younger woman once and you knowI left home at 17.
I moved seven hours away fromhome to go to college.
(02:04):
I moved seven hours away fromhome to go to college and I
would not have been able to tellmyself or anyone back then.
But I did not have an internalstructure at all of worth or
esteem or confidence in myself.
And then that meant, when I wasreleased out into the world, I
started chasing worth anywhereyou can find it, because it
(02:24):
truly is an innate human needthat we have, and if we don't
have it instilled in us andbuilt from within, then we start
chasing it from any outsidesource.
And that is what I did, andit's a very unfortunate common
story that I hear so much.
Among I mean women, you know,young women.
Among I mean women, you knowyoung women 12 all the way to 82
(02:50):
, you know.
And so that's what I did.
I went down some really roughcorridors chasing that worth,
and it led to a lot of pain anddrama and trauma that took
decades of healing from.
It took decades to evenunderstand what I had to heal
from, and then it took evenlonger to figure out how to
start putting myself backtogether and where to build and
(03:12):
what to build, because I didn'thave it in the beginning.
So it wasn't like I was goingback to something necessarily.
I had to build something newwithin myself.
So that, and in the midst ofall of that, I was granted and
blessed with these fourdaughters that I had within four
years of each other.
And so there was this, this onemoment that really just kind of
(03:37):
compelled me forward on thistrack, and it was when I was my.
We almost lost my husband.
He was has a cardiac issue andhe was in the hospital having
heart surgery.
We almost lost him.
I lost my dad when I was justone year old and I had four
babies that were 422 and zero.
My middle two are twins.
(03:57):
Well, she was a few months old,not zero, but anyway.
So I was sitting there and I waslike, wow, I only have a very
limited window.
I call it the 65-70.
That's how many days are in 18years.
So around 6,570 days.
That's my window in order tobuild within these young women
(04:20):
and one of them was just a fewmonths old as I'm looking down
on her in order to build in themworth esteem and confidence,
because we're always told weneed to have it or you know, you
are worthy.
Well, it's kind of like whenyour husband comes up to you and
says you're so beautiful, butyou're not really feeling it on
the inside and you're like, yeah, thanks, but I don't feel that
(04:41):
right now.
Right, thanks, but I don't feelthat right now, right.
And I needed to figure out away for not only myself but to
pass on and build within mydaughters a way for them to know
intrinsically that they areworthy and they have value and
they can appreciate themselvesand believe in themselves.
And that has been just theprecipice of all the work that
I've done.
(05:01):
And now my daughters are, likeI said, between 15 and 19.
And I've worked in positivefamily disciplines my entire
backgrounds in biology andpsychology and so I just started
putting everything together Iknew and diving into the
research and work and readingthousands and thousands and
thousands of pages and justreally being an observer and
then testing theories andputting something together.
(05:23):
So that's a little bit brief.
Look into how I got to where Iam today.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Well, and I think what you're doing is obviously
incredibly important.
And I think about you know, mysense of self-worth, and it was
so growing up, it was so tied todoing good at things.
You know, and you, oh you, youwon this competition or you did
really great on this, or youmade the basketball team or
things like that.
And then when we get older andyou know we, our lives are not
(05:53):
surrounded by competitions andthings for people to say, yeah,
job at that, that kind of goesaway and it all of a sudden
you're like, well, who am Ireally and why am I worthy?
Down deep, because I thought itwas because I was doing these
good things and now I'm nothearing that regularly, you know
, and I think that's kind of acommon thing for our kids to
experience.
So, and I also very much lovethe, the how to's we talk a lot
(06:17):
in society about the importanceof these things, but how do we
actually do it?
And that is the hard, that's,that's the hard part, right?
So well, I'm very excited foryou to share some of these tips
and strategies with us, becauseour whole focus at Speak Out
Standout is building confidencein, in kids, and so I I'm just
(06:38):
excited to dive in so I know youhave a couple of strategies
also just to back up.
You kind of broke my heart withthe 65-70.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Sorry, I know.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
When you think about it, you're like my goodness,
that doesn't.
That's just not very long youknow, so well, let's talk about
strategies for like what is your, what is your go-to, what is
your like?
You have a process, you havestrategies that you share with
parents.
How do we actually build worthand confidence in our kids,
outside of being like great jobon your report, great job on
(07:07):
your grades?
Where?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I was running into such a problem, especially
having four daughters bornwithin four years of each other.
All of these books and all ofthese speakers I was going to
(07:30):
were blanket parenting, you know, and it was like, oh, this is
what you should do.
And there was these shouldsright and I'm like that might
work for this one.
That is not going to work forthat one Right.
And so, number one, you need tolook at all of your kids and
the kids that you have impactand influence on, whether you're
(07:51):
a parent or not, but you areimpacting and influencing
someone in the next generation.
You need to look at them as anindividual.
There is no one thing that youcan do to every child that is
going to be perfect, fit forthem, and so that was a lesson I
had to learn early on.
(08:11):
I call my daughters fourcorners of a square.
They are very, very differentEven my twins, very, very
different young women, and solearning that helped me see them
through a lens that was uniqueand individual to them, and to
this day, we parent themdifferently, we discipline them
(08:32):
differently, we console themdifferently, based on their
needs.
And so, first and foremost, youwant to set up a good, secure
base, right, you think about ifyou're building this foundation
which you can have worth, esteemand confidence, which you can
kind of look at as like a threetier cake, is the first thing
(08:53):
that comes to mind, but it'smuch more sturdy than you don't
want a cake.
You're going to fall throughthat.
But you know three tieredstructure worth is on the bottom
, then esteem and thenconfidence, because at the very
precipice, at the top, you wantthem to leave home as a
self-disciplined leader of theirlife.
Right and so.
But that worth piece needs toset on something it just can't
float around.
So what do you?
What does it set on?
(09:14):
And that is security.
It has to sit on a secure baseand this is something that and I
don't know if you've talkedwith your listeners so much
about this, but I have found inthe work that I do, more and
more unsecure the foundationsare of so many, especially young
(09:35):
women post COVID.
There was so much that wasrobbed of our young women within
the COVID, especially if yourdaughter or young women that you
work with are and young men too.
I just work with young women,so pardon me if I say that a lot
, but it goes for both If theywere between sixth grade and
(09:56):
about 11th grade, okay.
So especially that timeframe,there was major chunks of
personal and social developmentthat were just missed during
that time that then they wereplaced back in and assumed that
they were okay because we justkept going on.
(10:16):
And you can kind of think aboutit like you show up for a new
job, there's three weeks worthof training to do.
You miss the first two weeks,you go to week three and they're
already building on everythingthat happened in the first two
weeks but you weren't there andyou're just expected to
assimilate in and there's a lotof chaos, a lot of making up and
(10:38):
a lot of confusion that happenswith that.
And over and over again I amseeing the results of this.
I mean, just twice this week,two young women and a young man
that I saw going through thisand there was major brain
development changes for youngwomen versus young men through
COVID that were tested by MRI aswell.
(11:01):
So it was a huge impact.
So if you have someone orinfluence, an impact, somebody
that was in sixth to 11th grade,especially during that time,
they might be going throughthings then or now that are post
effects of that.
So have a little bit more grace.
There was so much brain impactthat was you could see on a
(11:25):
brain MRI from the COVIDlockdown, especially in young
women.
There was over 30 places in ayoung woman's brain.
There was one place in a youngman's brain on average that was
affected.
So all that to say you need asecure base, and my point in
saying that is their securitywas rocked during that time and,
(11:45):
frankly, all of us adults, ourown security was being rocked at
the time.
So it was so easy to just be insurvival mode with the kids.
They got through, everything isokay, but their social and
personal development was verymuch on the line and we were so
distracted with everythinghappening that we couldn't help
them through that.
And so we need to reestablish alot of security with especially
(12:10):
that area of our kids.
But security at home, securityin relationships with you,
security with their schools,which obviously gets pretty
rocked today with eventshappening and things like that.
So you want to give them assecure a base as possible.
And then gets into theindividual.
(12:31):
Everyone needs security, sothat's pretty much the same for
everyone.
But then we get into theindividuation, if you will, with
worth.
So there's five pillars of worth, and that is I need to be seen,
I need to be heard, I need tobe loved, I need to belong
somewhere and I need to have apurpose.
(12:53):
And that is different for everyhuman being.
All of us have everyone who hasbeen, is and will be has those
five needs, but how they arefilled is different for every
person, and so how one of mydaughters, for example, feels
seen when she walks into a roomis different than how another
(13:14):
daughter does.
And having those conversationsand testing things out in order
to see, you know, how is it thatyou feel most seen when you are
with me or we're spending timetogether, or when you're at
school or what have you, thoseare the conversations to have,
because that will build herworth, you know.
Does she truly feel like shebelongs somewhere?
(13:35):
Does she truly feel like shebelongs at home?
Does she have purpose in herroles in the home and out in her
community?
Does she have responsibilitiesthat secure her to that place?
Does she have roles out in thecommunity that she helps serve
others and others are countingon her Right?
All of these are really reallyimportant.
So seeing, heard, loved, belongand purpose that's where it
(13:58):
really starts to come togetherfor our kids.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, I love how you're saying that this is so
different for every individualand that makes so much sense.
I have two boys and I'm very,very different.
But how do we talk about thiswith our kids to make sure that
we are providing these pillarsin the way that works for them,
because at that age they don'thave the communication to say
(14:23):
well, I really I need you to dothis for me, right?
So how?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
do we figure it out?
Well, number one I reallyreally cannot stress enough and
recommend enough to have weeklyone-on-one sessions with each of
your kids.
And so we have four kids andone of them is in college.
Three of them are still at home.
They're juniors and freshmen inhigh school and we have every
Monday night and every Thursdaynight at nine o'clock.
(14:50):
We have one-on-one time with thekids.
Monday my husband takes one, Itake the time with the kids
Monday, my husband takes one, Itake the other, and then on
Thursday, my husband takes one,I take the other.
The next week we switch.
So any one of my kids knowsthat on Monday or Thursday,
depending on what their day is,mom or dad is going to be in my
room With our college student.
We get on FaceTime and we do itover FaceTime and so that keeps
(15:12):
a constant, reliable connectionthat you can have, connection
point that you can have withthat child.
Because we have family time eachnight between six and nine.
We try to, you know, put awayour any electronics or anything
like that and have have dinnerand stuff like that.
But there's certain things thatare going to be said in a
(15:32):
one-on-one that are not going tobe said in the family
environment around the table,and certainly not when other
people are around.
So making that intimate contactduring that one-on-one time is
really important, and makingsure that one-on-one time is not
always like, okay, let's talkabout all your deepest, darkest
secrets, right, we don't need itto be that either, because that
(15:55):
will be intimidating and no fun, and so you want that time to
be filled with, you know, funand laughter.
Sometimes courageousconversations need to be had in
there, asking them about theirfriends and their interests and
what's going on, and just reallyasking a lot of questions and
diving into their life, but alsomaking sure it's a two-way
(16:18):
street, because part of that youknow that I need to be heard,
right?
Is you can come into that spaceand be like, yeah, well, I'm
having this issue with somebodyat work or someone I serve with,
or, you know, with what I'mgoing on or with what's going on
and I don't know what.
Do you think that?
What are some ideas that youhave about what's going on in my
(16:40):
life?
Right, and then really listen,our kids are this infinite well
of knowledge that are not heardenough.
They're not heard often enoughenough, they're not heard often
enough, and so, but asking themwhat their opinion is on real,
actual matters that matter, thenit gives them this sense of, oh
(17:00):
, my ideas actually matter,someone wants to hear them, I am
worthy right?
So this one-on-one time is atwo-way street.
It's a connection point betweenthe two of you, so that is how
you can do it or when you can doit, but just ask a lot of
questions in that time.
And one other thing that'sreally important is to
(17:23):
understand their learning style,and information is like
breathing.
Everything that I am sayingright now and everything that
you're saying, even my facialexpressions, my body language,
everything that is me teachingand everything that I take in is
me learning, and it's thisconstant breath of information
(17:46):
that happens all day long,except for when I'm sleeping,
and so it's really important tounderstand how they learn so you
can adapt how you're teachingto make sure there's no language
barrier between the two of youand this my youngest, who's 15,.
The other day I was tryingreally hard to get a concept
(18:10):
through to her, but I wasspeaking, I was using auditory
sounds and I was speaking to herand it was like there was just
the glazed over look, and we'veall, as parents, we've all seen
the glazed over look, right, andI know she used to be a picture
learner, a visual learner, andI am too, quite frankly.
But I was talking to her and Iasked her.
(18:31):
I said you know, I know, we, wehad you tested before, and by
tested I just mean, take aquestionnaire, you can find them
online or what have you.
What kind of learner are you?
There's four major ones,there's like four minor ones,
but just Google it and and findone.
You could find a free one, noproblem.
But I was asking her and shesaid, well, I really like
(18:54):
pictures.
So, sure enough, I wheeled overthat whiteboard that we have
right up here in my office and Idrew out what we were talking
about and I was like, does thismake more sense?
She said, yes, that makes moresense, I get it.
And then we were able to moveforward.
Her cortisol levels went down,she stopped working from her
amygdala in the back, startedusing her you know what is under
(19:16):
construction in her frontalcortex right now and she was
able to think again, instead ofme just droning on with words
that then when she reacts, she'sreally only reacting to the
last maybe six seconds.
That I said and not everythingI was trying to get across, for
you know two, three minutes, etcetera.
(19:40):
So learning what their learninglanguage is can break down
those barriers and helpcommunication immensely, based
on what you're trying to sharewith them and help them do.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
I think that is so interesting because we you know
that's what teachers do right inthe classroom and what we do.
You know we try to help ourkids learn the best way when
we're helping with homework.
You know we kind of understand,like you said, if I, if we're
teaching math, I can draw thisout and you might learn it
better this way or understand it.
I've never thought about doingthat and the the concept of just
life conversation it's justevery day you know, and
(20:11):
obviously, if they, like youjust said, everything we're
doing is learning and teaching,that is.
I've never heard that beforeand I love that and that is that
is.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
It makes perfect sense, yeah, and it's.
It just really helps with theunderstanding from your
perspective too.
And here's also what you can do.
Even though I know she is avisual learner, I also know
she's in high school, gettingready to go into college and the
rest of the world, and she is anatural born entrepreneur.
She is going for it and knowingthat we can talk about that,
(20:44):
because I was letting her knowsome of the partners or vendors
that you might work with in thefuture.
They're not going to presentthings to you visually and so,
even though we know that visuallearning is your sweet spot, you
also need to start learning andapplying how to learn in other
ways as well, because professorsand other vendors or partners,
(21:08):
et cetera, banks they aren'tnecessarily going to be like oh,
you're a visual learner.
Let me break this out for you,right?
So it's important.
It's important to know theirstrengths so that they can also
start working on theirweaknesses before they go out in
the world and are, you know,hit sideways with.
I don't understand anything,I'm overwhelmed, I'm just going
(21:30):
to curl up in a ball and, youknow, let my, let my stress rule
over me and drive, drive mylife.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Yeah Well, and I wanted to back up to something
you said earlier too that I somuch agree with whenever you
said they are a wealth ofknowledge and information and
ideas.
One of the primary things thatwe do is we teach speech and
debate virtually, and our debateclasses are wildly popular and
we constantly hear from parentsabout the growth that they've
(21:59):
seen from their kids fromparticipating.
We don't do anything special.
All we do is give them a topicand listen to their ideas on it,
and it just by giving them thatplatform of being able to share
their thoughts, their opinionson whatever this is and how to
solve a problem, you can seetheir confidence grow on that,
and it's interesting becauseoftentimes we'll have parents
(22:21):
that will want to sign theirkids up and they say I think
this topic's too advanced for mykids, and I would say, no, it's
really not going to be.
You maybe never thought to talkto your kid about should we ban
plastic water bottles, but ifyou ask them, they have thoughts
and they have great opinionsand we just don't give them
enough credit because they'reyoung.
Just don't give them enoughcredit because because they're
young, and so I think that thatis.
I loved your example ofpresenting your own.
(22:44):
You know not problems, but youknow like the things you're
going through and asking fortheir input and I can absolutely
see how that would buildconfidence, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And even things as small.
As you know all of my kids Ithink every kid goes through a
phase where they want a gerbilor they want a rabbit, or you
know they, they want the thing,and my husband and I have always
been of the mindset we willcompletely hear you out.
Right, you want to do someresearch, you want to create a
presentation and let us know allthe details and what this
(23:16):
entails for you, what thisentails for us, costs, et cetera
.
Go for it.
It doesn't mean that the answerwill be yes, but we will
absolutely hear you out.
And so you know those are someseeds of growth right there,
where they can, to your point,like debate their side, debate
their point, share their ideas,do research, dig in and then
(23:38):
present it.
And it doesn't mean aguaranteed yes or no, just like
the real world does notguarantee that yes either, and
so it's just really important.
Those are just some simpleexercises you can do.
Or, like I said, my younger oneI mean our whole family has
been entrepreneurial indifferent ways, but my younger
(23:59):
one just loves to go and dostands for this, that or the
other.
You know she wanted to go toCosta Rica last year and by
golly, she raised.
I said that's great, but momand dad are not paying for this.
And so she raised the $4,000 togo by selling dog toys, you
know.
And so I were like, well,what's the business plan going
to look like?
What does that look like foryou?
(24:20):
How often are you going to bedoing this?
How are you paying formaterials, you know?
And she took out a loan from usand repaid and like all these
things.
But it was her diving in andher taking the lead on something
that she is and was capable of.
And she was able to go to CostaRica for nine days and by golly
, she was down there on thebeaches saying I earned this, I
(24:42):
did this and I was able to getmyself here.
And that was a huge thing forher.
And my oldest, you know, sentherself to London and my two
middle ones sent themselves toPeru.
So all of them, you know, ifthey can, if they are much more
capable than we give them creditfor and we always need to
remember we're raising people,we are not raising children and
than we give them credit for.
And we always need to rememberwe're raising people, we are not
(25:03):
raising children, and when weput them under that suppressive
umbrella of you are a child, youare a child, you are a child.
Then when they get along thatconveyor belt of adolescence to
18, there's just a trap doorthat says, hey, you're 18.
Good luck, bye.
They get really lost out in theworld, and so we need to build
them to the point that they area capable young adult.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, this has all already beenvery enlightening and I, before
we wrap up, I wanted to ask youa big question that I don't
know if we can even get intotoday.
But one of the things you talkabout is keeping lines of
communication open with yourdaughters that doesn't trigger
negative responses, arguments,the instinct to get upset.
(25:51):
We obviously know that they'redeveloping emotionally, their
brains are developing, andsometimes they just can't help
it right.
But what can we do as parentsto help when we're talking to
our kid about something thatmaybe they don't really want to
hear, maybe something that'sgoing to upset them in a way
that's not just going to openthe door for them to shut the
(26:12):
door on?
Speaker 2 (26:13):
our face, right?
Well, first of all, let themknow that I am talking to you as
a responsible young woman, aresponsible young man.
Do you think that you canhandle that right now?
Right, and that usually putsthem in the mindset of you know
what, yes, I am.
It's very rare that they'regoing to say no, actually, I'm
very irresponsible and I'm goingto be very reactionary to you
(26:35):
right now.
So set them up on that pedestalat the beginning and then make
sure that you, as the adult withthe fully developed brain,
right, you stay calm.
You have to stay calm andemulate to them what it looks
like to control your emotions,even in a courageous
(26:58):
conversation that you need tohave.
So stay calm, be curious, evenin a courageous conversation
that you need to have.
So stay calm, be curious.
Let them know I am here for youand I am all for you, right?
Just keep letting them know Iam not against you.
I am never against you, right?
I am here for you.
I mean, just earlier today,there's some questions about one
(27:19):
of my girl's schedules for nextyear and she's like I am in
charge of my own schedule.
I said well, I am your parentand I am in charge of making
sure that you are on a pathtoward your best self and what
is best for you.
So if things need to alter,then I will alter them with you.
First part of childhood you doeverything for them.
(27:42):
Second part of childhood you dothings with them so that
they're prepared to do it ontheir own, for themselves.
And so, anyway, all that to say, stay calm, be curious, connect
with them on whatever they'regoing through.
I promise, whatever it isthey're going through, you can
connect with them on some partof that in your life.
(28:05):
Yes, we didn't have cell phonesgrowing up, or I didn't, at
least, you know.
I think I had my first one whenI was in college.
But really, what the issues are?
It just amplified comparison,right, identity shifting, hiding
, all those things.
We did those things all too.
It just wasn't on the scalethat it is today.
So you can connect with themwith that embarrassment or guilt
(28:28):
or what have you the feelingleft out, right, the FOMO?
If you will, you can connectwith them on a point and then
really develop clarity at theend of conversations so that
you're not doing this again intwo days If you don't have
clarity at the end ofconversations, so that you're
not doing this again in two daysIf you don't have clarity at
the end of a conversation as towhat did this mean to you?
What did you hear that I wassaying?
(28:50):
Because, again, that thatcommunication barrier can
sometimes be up, make sure thatthey heard what you were saying.
Make sure you heard what theywere saying and you have action,
steps to go forward.
But stay calm the whole time,lifting them up, letting them
know I am, I am talking to him,I'm hoping to talk to a mature,
you know, a young woman or youngman.
(29:11):
Can you do that right now?
And if they can't, it's okay totake a break.
It's okay to take a break.
Revisit in an hour.
Revisit in a day I wouldn't gofurther than a day because then
things tend to get swept under abreak.
Revisit in an hour.
Revisit in a day I wouldn't gofurther than a day because then
things tend to get swept under arug.
But it's okay to take a breakso you can revisit and come back
home.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I wanted to say one of the most powerful things you
just said there, too, was listento what.
Make sure you are listening towhat they say, because often, as
adults, what we're trying toteach them is the most important
right and it just goes back tothat not giving them enough
credit to have valid thoughtsand opinions and emotions, and
(29:52):
so it's very easy for mepersonally to tell them we need
to do things this way instead,without listening to what they
have to say.
So I think that's just soimportant.
It's so easy to get lost in itall.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
It's easy to power struggle, especially in America
and especially today.
It's easy to power strugglebecause we're so distracted.
And how often a parent justwants to say do what I say
because I told you to do it.
And that doesn't fly,especially for today's
generation.
But there is a level of youknow.
I look at a family as a team.
Parents are team captains, butwe are a team.
(30:26):
I'm here for you, I need youhere for me too.
We're all working together inorder to create success.
I can't have success withoutyou and vice versa.
Right and so.
But we all work together andyou think about other cultures.
I work all over the world.
I think about other culturestoo, and what young men and
women are doing at 15 is verydifferent than what young men
(30:48):
and women are doing at 15 inAmerica, and I mean if you look
at history that way too.
So they are very, very capable.
We just need to set them up inorder to have that
responsibility and respect andobedience.
You know compassion, kindnessand self-discipline to do so.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Well, nellie, this has really been a fantastic
conversation for me personally.
I'm sure others listening willfind the same value in it.
Before we wrap up, is there anyone last point, one last tidbit
, strategy or whatever that youwant to drop to our audience
before we have to close out?
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I would just say one of my favorite sayings that I
say in my house daily.
My kids can recite this isdiscipline yourself so others
don't have to, right, and that'swhere we're getting to, that's
where we're trying to work themtoward right.
And so when they get soexhausted because they're like,
oh, mom and dad are always on mycase about this and I'm like I
(31:44):
am only stepping into disciplinebecause you are not, and when
you, once you start picking upthis baton of discipline, I can
back off.
So this is really your choiceright now, right.
So discipline yourself soothers don't have to, and it
takes you off of thatconsequence merry-go-round that
you feel like you're always onas a parent sometimes and really
(32:06):
puts the ball in their courtand they can see that.
So that's a saying we say allthe time.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Well, Nellie, I know we will drop all the links for
how people can connect with youin the show notes, but you have
Decoding Daughters.
Is that one of your programsyou want to tell us?
Speaker 2 (32:28):
about that.
The Daughter Decoder is amaster class that I have out
there that you can find on mywebsite, nelliehardencom, and
then Lead the Way is all aboutloving and leading her to a
place that she loves and leadsherself before she leaves home.
So that is a self-guided coursethat you can take, lifelong
(32:49):
membership there.
So it's great Anything thatgoes in there you can have, and
because your kids are differentat 12, than 13, than 16.
And so we have parents andpeople that go through them
multiple times at differentseasons of raising their
daughter.
So, yep, that's all on there,and so I would love to have
(33:10):
anyone.
I drop an article every Fridayand I'd love to meet you near
and box.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
I love it and you are on a very worthwhile and needed
mission, so I am very gratefulfor what you do and grateful to
have you here for a few minutestoday to share some of these
strategies.
So again, if you're listening,we will have all the links in
the show notes, so it's supereasy for you to click over there
and connect with Nellie.
So again, nellie, thank you foryour time.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Thank you so much for having me.
Welcome back to Speak Out.
Stand Out.
I'm Elizabeth Green and today'sguest is Nellie Harden.
Nellie is a wife, mother offour daughters, author and
speaker, and she spends her timefocusing on helping women and
those raising them build afoundation of worth, esteem and
confidence to live the life thatthey were created for.
And, Nellie, we are superexcited to have you here today
(00:22):
to talk about all things girls,but also things that apply to
the boy moms in the listeningarea too.
Right, absolutely.
Thank you so much for having me.
So, first of all, I will sayyou know, I am a boy mom and I
went through the whole.
I really wanted a daughter.
(00:43):
Whenever I found out both ofmine were going to be boys.
Now that we're in the tween andteen, realm.
I have to say that I am gladthat I don't have daughters
right now.
So I am excited to talk withyou because, as a daughter with
a mother, I understand that thiscan be a very challenging and
rewarding dynamic, but verychallenging especially during
(01:05):
those tween and teen years.
So, grateful to have you.
And before we kind of dive intothe full conversation how, what
did you kind of go this pathafter you became a girl mom, or
was this kind of always yourpassion, or how did you end up
here?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Well, it's a long, convoluted story that really
starts from the beginning andyou know just real quick.
It's funny to say when I tellpeople that I have four
daughters that are, you know,all adolescents.
I have four daughters between15 and 19.
Right now, the general reactionis always oh, yes, just yes.
Anything you're feeling andthinking, yes, you know.
(01:42):
But also wonderful, but yes,and so for me.
And how I got here.
I was really so.
I was a.
Obviously I was a young womanmyself once still am but I was a
younger woman once and you knowI left home at 17.
I moved seven hours away fromhome to go to college.
(02:04):
I moved seven hours away fromhome to go to college and I
would not have been able to tellmyself or anyone back then.
But I did not have an internalstructure at all of worth or
esteem or confidence in myself.
And then that meant, when I wasreleased out into the world, I
started chasing worth anywhereyou can find it, because it
(02:24):
truly is an innate human needthat we have, and if we don't
have it instilled in us andbuilt from within, then we start
chasing it from any outsidesource.
And that is what I did, andit's a very unfortunate common
story that I hear so much.
Among I mean women, you know,young women.
Among I mean women, you knowyoung women 12 all the way to 82
(02:50):
, you know.
And so that's what I did.
I went down some really roughcorridors chasing that worth,
and it led to a lot of pain anddrama and trauma that took
decades of healing from.
It took decades to evenunderstand what I had to heal
from, and then it took evenlonger to figure out how to
start putting myself backtogether and where to build and
(03:12):
what to build, because I didn'thave it in the beginning.
So it wasn't like I was goingback to something necessarily.
I had to build something newwithin myself.
So that, and in the midst ofall of that, I was granted and
blessed with these fourdaughters that I had within four
years of each other.
And so there was this, this onemoment that really just kind of
(03:37):
compelled me forward on thistrack, and it was when I was my.
We almost lost my husband.
He was has a cardiac issue andhe was in the hospital having
heart surgery.
We almost lost him.
I lost my dad when I was justone year old and I had four
babies that were 422 and zero.
My middle two are twins.
(03:57):
Well, she was a few months old,not zero, but anyway.
So I was sitting there and I waslike, wow, I only have a very
limited window.
I call it the 65-70.
That's how many days are in 18years.
So around 6,570 days.
That's my window in order tobuild within these young women
(04:20):
and one of them was just a fewmonths old as I'm looking down
on her in order to build in themworth esteem and confidence,
because we're always told weneed to have it or you know, you
are worthy.
Well, it's kind of like whenyour husband comes up to you and
says you're so beautiful, butyou're not really feeling it on
the inside and you're like, yeah, thanks, but I don't feel that
(04:41):
right now.
Right, thanks, but I don't feelthat right now, right.
And I needed to figure out away for not only myself but to
pass on and build within mydaughters a way for them to know
intrinsically that they areworthy and they have value and
they can appreciate themselvesand believe in themselves.
And that has been just theprecipice of all the work that
I've done.
(05:01):
And now my daughters are, likeI said, between 15 and 19.
And I've worked in positivefamily disciplines my entire
backgrounds in biology andpsychology and so I just started
putting everything together Iknew and diving into the
research and work and readingthousands and thousands and
thousands of pages and justreally being an observer and
then testing theories andputting something together.
(05:23):
So that's a little bit brief.
Look into how I got to where Iam today.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Well, and I think what you're doing is obviously
incredibly important.
And I think about you know, mysense of self-worth, and it was
so growing up, it was so tied todoing good at things.
You know, and you, oh you, youwon this competition or you did
really great on this, or youmade the basketball team or
things like that.
And then when we get older andyou know we, our lives are not
(05:53):
surrounded by competitions andthings for people to say, yeah,
job at that, that kind of goesaway and it all of a sudden
you're like, well, who am Ireally and why am I worthy?
Down deep, because I thought itwas because I was doing these
good things and now I'm nothearing that regularly, you know
, and I think that's kind of acommon thing for our kids to
experience.
So, and I also very much lovethe, the how to's we talk a lot
(06:17):
in society about the importanceof these things, but how do we
actually do it?
And that is the hard, that's,that's the hard part, right?
So well, I'm very excited foryou to share some of these tips
and strategies with us, becauseour whole focus at Speak Out
Standout is building confidencein, in kids, and so I I'm just
(06:38):
excited to dive in so I know youhave a couple of strategies
also just to back up.
You kind of broke my heart withthe 65-70.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Sorry, I know.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
When you think about it, you're like my goodness,
that doesn't.
That's just not very long youknow, so well, let's talk about
strategies for like what is your, what is your go-to, what is
your like?
You have a process, you havestrategies that you share with
parents.
How do we actually build worthand confidence in our kids,
outside of being like great jobon your report, great job on
(07:07):
your grades?
Where?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I was running into such a problem, especially
having four daughters bornwithin four years of each other.
All of these books and all ofthese speakers I was going to
(07:30):
were blanket parenting, you know, and it was like, oh, this is
what you should do.
And there was these shouldsright and I'm like that might
work for this one.
That is not going to work forthat one Right.
And so, number one, you need tolook at all of your kids and
the kids that you have impactand influence on, whether you're
(07:51):
a parent or not, but you areimpacting and influencing
someone in the next generation.
You need to look at them as anindividual.
There is no one thing that youcan do to every child that is
going to be perfect, fit forthem, and so that was a lesson I
had to learn early on.
(08:11):
I call my daughters fourcorners of a square.
They are very, very differentEven my twins, very, very
different young women, and solearning that helped me see them
through a lens that was uniqueand individual to them, and to
this day, we parent themdifferently, we discipline them
(08:32):
differently, we console themdifferently, based on their
needs.
And so, first and foremost, youwant to set up a good, secure
base, right, you think about ifyou're building this foundation
which you can have worth, esteemand confidence, which you can
kind of look at as like a threetier cake, is the first thing
(08:53):
that comes to mind, but it'smuch more sturdy than you don't
want a cake.
You're going to fall throughthat.
But you know three tieredstructure worth is on the bottom
, then esteem and thenconfidence, because at the very
precipice, at the top, you wantthem to leave home as a
self-disciplined leader of theirlife.
Right and so.
But that worth piece needs toset on something it just can't
float around.
So what do you?
What does it set on?
(09:14):
And that is security.
It has to sit on a secure baseand this is something that and I
don't know if you've talkedwith your listeners so much
about this, but I have found inthe work that I do, more and
more unsecure the foundationsare of so many, especially young
(09:35):
women post COVID.
There was so much that wasrobbed of our young women within
the COVID, especially if yourdaughter or young women that you
work with are and young men too.
I just work with young women,so pardon me if I say that a lot
, but it goes for both If theywere between sixth grade and
(09:56):
about 11th grade, okay.
So especially that timeframe,there was major chunks of
personal and social developmentthat were just missed during
that time that then they wereplaced back in and assumed that
they were okay because we justkept going on.
(10:16):
And you can kind of think aboutit like you show up for a new
job, there's three weeks worthof training to do.
You miss the first two weeks,you go to week three and they're
already building on everythingthat happened in the first two
weeks but you weren't there andyou're just expected to
assimilate in and there's a lotof chaos, a lot of making up and
(10:38):
a lot of confusion that happenswith that.
And over and over again I amseeing the results of this.
I mean, just twice this week,two young women and a young man
that I saw going through thisand there was major brain
development changes for youngwomen versus young men through
COVID that were tested by MRI aswell.
(11:01):
So it was a huge impact.
So if you have someone orinfluence, an impact, somebody
that was in sixth to 11th grade,especially during that time,
they might be going throughthings then or now that are post
effects of that.
So have a little bit more grace.
There was so much brain impactthat was you could see on a
(11:25):
brain MRI from the COVIDlockdown, especially in young
women.
There was over 30 places in ayoung woman's brain.
There was one place in a youngman's brain on average that was
affected.
So all that to say you need asecure base, and my point in
saying that is their securitywas rocked during that time and,
(11:45):
frankly, all of us adults, ourown security was being rocked at
the time.
So it was so easy to just be insurvival mode with the kids.
They got through, everything isokay, but their social and
personal development was verymuch on the line and we were so
distracted with everythinghappening that we couldn't help
them through that.
And so we need to reestablish alot of security with especially
(12:10):
that area of our kids.
But security at home, securityin relationships with you,
security with their schools,which obviously gets pretty
rocked today with eventshappening and things like that.
So you want to give them assecure a base as possible.
And then gets into theindividual.
(12:31):
Everyone needs security, sothat's pretty much the same for
everyone.
But then we get into theindividuation, if you will, with
worth.
So there's five pillars of worth, and that is I need to be seen,
I need to be heard, I need tobe loved, I need to belong
somewhere and I need to have apurpose.
(12:53):
And that is different for everyhuman being.
All of us have everyone who hasbeen, is and will be has those
five needs, but how they arefilled is different for every
person, and so how one of mydaughters, for example, feels
seen when she walks into a roomis different than how another
(13:14):
daughter does.
And having those conversationsand testing things out in order
to see, you know, how is it thatyou feel most seen when you are
with me or we're spending timetogether, or when you're at
school or what have you, thoseare the conversations to have,
because that will build herworth, you know.
Does she truly feel like shebelongs somewhere?
(13:35):
Does she truly feel like shebelongs at home?
Does she have purpose in herroles in the home and out in her
community?
Does she have responsibilitiesthat secure her to that place?
Does she have roles out in thecommunity that she helps serve
others and others are countingon her Right?
All of these are really reallyimportant.
So seeing, heard, loved, belongand purpose that's where it
(13:58):
really starts to come togetherfor our kids.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, I love how you're saying that this is so
different for every individualand that makes so much sense.
I have two boys and I'm very,very different.
But how do we talk about thiswith our kids to make sure that
we are providing these pillarsin the way that works for them,
because at that age they don'thave the communication to say
(14:23):
well, I really I need you to dothis for me, right?
So how?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
do we figure it out?
Well, number one I reallyreally cannot stress enough and
recommend enough to have weeklyone-on-one sessions with each of
your kids.
And so we have four kids andone of them is in college.
Three of them are still at home.
They're juniors and freshmen inhigh school and we have every
Monday night and every Thursdaynight at nine o'clock.
(14:50):
We have one-on-one time with thekids.
Monday my husband takes one, Itake the time with the kids
Monday, my husband takes one, Itake the other, and then on
Thursday, my husband takes one,I take the other.
The next week we switch.
So any one of my kids knowsthat on Monday or Thursday,
depending on what their day is,mom or dad is going to be in my
room With our college student.
We get on FaceTime and we do itover FaceTime and so that keeps
(15:12):
a constant, reliable connectionthat you can have, connection
point that you can have withthat child.
Because we have family time eachnight between six and nine.
We try to, you know, put awayour any electronics or anything
like that and have have dinnerand stuff like that.
But there's certain things thatare going to be said in a
(15:32):
one-on-one that are not going tobe said in the family
environment around the table,and certainly not when other
people are around.
So making that intimate contactduring that one-on-one time is
really important, and makingsure that one-on-one time is not
always like, okay, let's talkabout all your deepest, darkest
secrets, right, we don't need itto be that either, because that
(15:55):
will be intimidating and no fun, and so you want that time to
be filled with, you know, funand laughter.
Sometimes courageousconversations need to be had in
there, asking them about theirfriends and their interests and
what's going on, and just reallyasking a lot of questions and
diving into their life, but alsomaking sure it's a two-way
(16:18):
street, because part of that youknow that I need to be heard,
right?
Is you can come into that spaceand be like, yeah, well, I'm
having this issue with somebodyat work or someone I serve with,
or, you know, with what I'mgoing on or with what's going on
and I don't know what.
Do you think that?
What are some ideas that youhave about what's going on in my
(16:40):
life?
Right, and then really listen,our kids are this infinite well
of knowledge that are not heardenough.
They're not heard often enoughenough, they're not heard often
enough, and so, but asking themwhat their opinion is on real,
actual matters that matter, thenit gives them this sense of, oh
(17:00):
, my ideas actually matter,someone wants to hear them, I am
worthy right?
So this one-on-one time is atwo-way street.
It's a connection point betweenthe two of you, so that is how
you can do it or when you can doit, but just ask a lot of
questions in that time.
And one other thing that'sreally important is to
(17:23):
understand their learning style,and information is like
breathing.
Everything that I am sayingright now and everything that
you're saying, even my facialexpressions, my body language,
everything that is me teachingand everything that I take in is
me learning, and it's thisconstant breath of information
(17:46):
that happens all day long,except for when I'm sleeping,
and so it's really important tounderstand how they learn so you
can adapt how you're teachingto make sure there's no language
barrier between the two of youand this my youngest, who's 15,.
The other day I was tryingreally hard to get a concept
(18:10):
through to her, but I wasspeaking, I was using auditory
sounds and I was speaking to herand it was like there was just
the glazed over look, and we'veall, as parents, we've all seen
the glazed over look, right, andI know she used to be a picture
learner, a visual learner, andI am too, quite frankly.
But I was talking to her and Iasked her.
(18:31):
I said you know, I know, we, wehad you tested before, and by
tested I just mean, take aquestionnaire, you can find them
online or what have you.
What kind of learner are you?
There's four major ones,there's like four minor ones,
but just Google it and and findone.
You could find a free one, noproblem.
But I was asking her and shesaid, well, I really like
(18:54):
pictures.
So, sure enough, I wheeled overthat whiteboard that we have
right up here in my office and Idrew out what we were talking
about and I was like, does thismake more sense?
She said, yes, that makes moresense, I get it.
And then we were able to moveforward.
Her cortisol levels went down,she stopped working from her
amygdala in the back, startedusing her you know what is under
(19:16):
construction in her frontalcortex right now and she was
able to think again, instead ofme just droning on with words
that then when she reacts, she'sreally only reacting to the
last maybe six seconds.
That I said and not everythingI was trying to get across, for
you know two, three minutes, etcetera.
(19:40):
So learning what their learninglanguage is can break down
those barriers and helpcommunication immensely, based
on what you're trying to sharewith them and help them do.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
I think that is so interesting because we you know
that's what teachers do right inthe classroom and what we do.
You know we try to help ourkids learn the best way when
we're helping with homework.
You know we kind of understand,like you said, if I, if we're
teaching math, I can draw thisout and you might learn it
better this way or understand it.
I've never thought about doingthat and the the concept of just
life conversation it's justevery day you know, and
(20:11):
obviously, if they, like youjust said, everything we're
doing is learning and teaching,that is.
I've never heard that beforeand I love that and that is that
is.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
It makes perfect sense, yeah, and it's.
It just really helps with theunderstanding from your
perspective too.
And here's also what you can do.
Even though I know she is avisual learner, I also know
she's in high school, gettingready to go into college and the
rest of the world, and she is anatural born entrepreneur.
She is going for it and knowingthat we can talk about that,
(20:44):
because I was letting her knowsome of the partners or vendors
that you might work with in thefuture.
They're not going to presentthings to you visually and so,
even though we know that visuallearning is your sweet spot, you
also need to start learning andapplying how to learn in other
ways as well, because professorsand other vendors or partners,
(21:08):
et cetera, banks they aren'tnecessarily going to be like oh,
you're a visual learner.
Let me break this out for you,right?
So it's important.
It's important to know theirstrengths so that they can also
start working on theirweaknesses before they go out in
the world and are, you know,hit sideways with.
I don't understand anything,I'm overwhelmed, I'm just going
(21:30):
to curl up in a ball and, youknow, let my, let my stress rule
over me and drive, drive mylife.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Yeah Well, and I wanted to back up to something
you said earlier too that I somuch agree with whenever you
said they are a wealth ofknowledge and information and
ideas.
One of the primary things thatwe do is we teach speech and
debate virtually, and our debateclasses are wildly popular and
we constantly hear from parentsabout the growth that they've
(21:59):
seen from their kids fromparticipating.
We don't do anything special.
All we do is give them a topicand listen to their ideas on it,
and it just by giving them thatplatform of being able to share
their thoughts, their opinionson whatever this is and how to
solve a problem, you can seetheir confidence grow on that,
and it's interesting becauseoftentimes we'll have parents
(22:21):
that will want to sign theirkids up and they say I think
this topic's too advanced for mykids, and I would say, no, it's
really not going to be.
You maybe never thought to talkto your kid about should we ban
plastic water bottles, but ifyou ask them, they have thoughts
and they have great opinionsand we just don't give them
enough credit because they'reyoung.
Just don't give them enoughcredit because because they're
young, and so I think that thatis.
I loved your example ofpresenting your own.
(22:44):
You know not problems, but youknow like the things you're
going through and asking fortheir input and I can absolutely
see how that would buildconfidence, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And even things as small.
As you know all of my kids Ithink every kid goes through a
phase where they want a gerbilor they want a rabbit, or you
know they, they want the thing,and my husband and I have always
been of the mindset we willcompletely hear you out.
Right, you want to do someresearch, you want to create a
presentation and let us know allthe details and what this
(23:16):
entails for you, what thisentails for us, costs, et cetera
.
Go for it.
It doesn't mean that the answerwill be yes, but we will
absolutely hear you out.
And so you know those are someseeds of growth right there,
where they can, to your point,like debate their side, debate
their point, share their ideas,do research, dig in and then
(23:38):
present it.
And it doesn't mean aguaranteed yes or no, just like
the real world does notguarantee that yes either, and
so it's just really important.
Those are just some simpleexercises you can do.
Or, like I said, my younger oneI mean our whole family has
been entrepreneurial indifferent ways, but my younger
(23:59):
one just loves to go and dostands for this, that or the
other.
You know she wanted to go toCosta Rica last year and by
golly, she raised.
I said that's great, but momand dad are not paying for this.
And so she raised the $4,000 togo by selling dog toys, you
know.
And so I were like, well,what's the business plan going
to look like?
What does that look like foryou?
(24:20):
How often are you going to bedoing this?
How are you paying formaterials, you know?
And she took out a loan from usand repaid and like all these
things.
But it was her diving in andher taking the lead on something
that she is and was capable of.
And she was able to go to CostaRica for nine days and by golly
, she was down there on thebeaches saying I earned this, I
(24:42):
did this and I was able to getmyself here.
And that was a huge thing forher.
And my oldest, you know, sentherself to London and my two
middle ones sent themselves toPeru.
So all of them, you know, ifthey can, if they are much more
capable than we give them creditfor and we always need to
remember we're raising people,we are not raising children and
than we give them credit for.
And we always need to rememberwe're raising people, we are not
(25:03):
raising children, and when weput them under that suppressive
umbrella of you are a child, youare a child, you are a child.
Then when they get along thatconveyor belt of adolescence to
18, there's just a trap doorthat says, hey, you're 18.
Good luck, bye.
They get really lost out in theworld, and so we need to build
them to the point that they area capable young adult.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, this has all already beenvery enlightening and I, before
we wrap up, I wanted to ask youa big question that I don't
know if we can even get intotoday.
But one of the things you talkabout is keeping lines of
communication open with yourdaughters that doesn't trigger
negative responses, arguments,the instinct to get upset.
(25:51):
We obviously know that they'redeveloping emotionally, their
brains are developing, andsometimes they just can't help
it right.
But what can we do as parentsto help when we're talking to
our kid about something thatmaybe they don't really want to
hear, maybe something that'sgoing to upset them in a way
that's not just going to openthe door for them to shut the
(26:12):
door on?
Speaker 2 (26:13):
our face, right?
Well, first of all, let themknow that I am talking to you as
a responsible young woman, aresponsible young man.
Do you think that you canhandle that right now?
Right, and that usually putsthem in the mindset of you know
what, yes, I am.
It's very rare that they'regoing to say no, actually, I'm
very irresponsible and I'm goingto be very reactionary to you
(26:35):
right now.
So set them up on that pedestalat the beginning and then make
sure that you, as the adult withthe fully developed brain,
right, you stay calm.
You have to stay calm andemulate to them what it looks
like to control your emotions,even in a courageous
(26:58):
conversation that you need tohave.
So stay calm, be curious, evenin a courageous conversation
that you need to have.
So stay calm, be curious.
Let them know I am here for youand I am all for you, right?
Just keep letting them know Iam not against you.
I am never against you, right?
I am here for you.
I mean, just earlier today,there's some questions about one
(27:19):
of my girl's schedules for nextyear and she's like I am in
charge of my own schedule.
I said well, I am your parentand I am in charge of making
sure that you are on a pathtoward your best self and what
is best for you.
So if things need to alter,then I will alter them with you.
First part of childhood you doeverything for them.
(27:42):
Second part of childhood you dothings with them so that
they're prepared to do it ontheir own, for themselves.
And so, anyway, all that to say, stay calm, be curious, connect
with them on whatever they'regoing through.
I promise, whatever it isthey're going through, you can
connect with them on some partof that in your life.
(28:05):
Yes, we didn't have cell phonesgrowing up, or I didn't, at
least, you know.
I think I had my first one whenI was in college.
But really, what the issues are?
It just amplified comparison,right, identity shifting, hiding
, all those things.
We did those things all too.
It just wasn't on the scalethat it is today.
So you can connect with themwith that embarrassment or guilt
(28:28):
or what have you the feelingleft out, right, the FOMO?
If you will, you can connectwith them on a point and then
really develop clarity at theend of conversations so that
you're not doing this again intwo days If you don't have
clarity at the end ofconversations, so that you're
not doing this again in two daysIf you don't have clarity at
the end of a conversation as towhat did this mean to you?
What did you hear that I wassaying?
(28:50):
Because, again, that thatcommunication barrier can
sometimes be up, make sure thatthey heard what you were saying.
Make sure you heard what theywere saying and you have action,
steps to go forward.
But stay calm the whole time,lifting them up, letting them
know I am, I am talking to him,I'm hoping to talk to a mature,
you know, a young woman or youngman.
(29:11):
Can you do that right now?
And if they can't, it's okay totake a break.
It's okay to take a break.
Revisit in an hour.
Revisit in a day I wouldn't gofurther than a day because then
things tend to get swept under abreak.
Revisit in an hour.
Revisit in a day I wouldn't gofurther than a day because then
things tend to get swept under arug.
But it's okay to take a breakso you can revisit and come back
home.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I wanted to say one of the most powerful things you
just said there, too, was listento what.
Make sure you are listening towhat they say, because often, as
adults, what we're trying toteach them is the most important
right and it just goes back tothat not giving them enough
credit to have valid thoughtsand opinions and emotions, and
(29:52):
so it's very easy for mepersonally to tell them we need
to do things this way instead,without listening to what they
have to say.
So I think that's just soimportant.
It's so easy to get lost in itall.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
It's easy to power struggle, especially in America
and especially today.
It's easy to power strugglebecause we're so distracted.
And how often a parent justwants to say do what I say
because I told you to do it.
And that doesn't fly,especially for today's
generation.
But there is a level of youknow.
I look at a family as a team.
Parents are team captains, butwe are a team.
(30:26):
I'm here for you, I need youhere for me too.
We're all working together inorder to create success.
I can't have success withoutyou and vice versa.
Right and so.
But we all work together andyou think about other cultures.
I work all over the world.
I think about other culturestoo, and what young men and
women are doing at 15 is verydifferent than what young men
(30:48):
and women are doing at 15 inAmerica, and I mean if you look
at history that way too.
So they are very, very capable.
We just need to set them up inorder to have that
responsibility and respect andobedience.
You know compassion, kindnessand self-discipline to do so.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Well, nellie, this has really been a fantastic
conversation for me personally.
I'm sure others listening willfind the same value in it.
Before we wrap up, is there anyone last point, one last tidbit
, strategy or whatever that youwant to drop to our audience
before we have to close out?
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I would just say one of my favorite sayings that I
say in my house daily.
My kids can recite this isdiscipline yourself so others
don't have to, right, and that'swhere we're getting to, that's
where we're trying to work themtoward right.
And so when they get soexhausted because they're like,
oh, mom and dad are always on mycase about this and I'm like I
(31:44):
am only stepping into disciplinebecause you are not, and when
you, once you start picking upthis baton of discipline, I can
back off.
So this is really your choiceright now, right.
So discipline yourself soothers don't have to, and it
takes you off of thatconsequence merry-go-round that
you feel like you're always onas a parent sometimes and really
(32:06):
puts the ball in their courtand they can see that.
So that's a saying we say allthe time.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Well, Nellie, I know we will drop all the links for
how people can connect with youin the show notes, but you have
Decoding Daughters.
Is that one of your programsyou want to tell us?
Speaker 2 (32:28):
about that.
The Daughter Decoder is amaster class that I have out
there that you can find on mywebsite, nelliehardencom, and
then Lead the Way is all aboutloving and leading her to a
place that she loves and leadsherself before she leaves home.
So that is a self-guided coursethat you can take, lifelong
(32:49):
membership there.
So it's great Anything thatgoes in there you can have, and
because your kids are differentat 12, than 13, than 16.
And so we have parents andpeople that go through them
multiple times at differentseasons of raising their
daughter.
So, yep, that's all on there,and so I would love to have
(33:10):
anyone.
I drop an article every Fridayand I'd love to meet you near
and box.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
I love it and you are on a very worthwhile and needed
mission, so I am very gratefulfor what you do and grateful to
have you here for a few minutestoday to share some of these
strategies.
So again, if you're listening,we will have all the links in
the show notes, so it's supereasy for you to click over there
and connect with Nellie.
So again, nellie, thank you foryour time.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Thank you so much for having me.
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