Closing the Gap Between What You Say and Do for Real Influence | Tim Newman Speaks

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Are your words truly building the influence you want, or is there a hidden gap between what you say and how you act that's silently killing your credibility? In this episode of Speaking with Confidence, I dive deep into the powerful truth that your real message isn’t just what comes out of your mouth—it’s what people see in your behavior, especially when no one’s watching.

I open with a personal story about a tough leadership lesson: the painful disconnect between preaching innovation and risk-taking, and then acting in a way that totally undermined those values. Admitting that I was the one who once made this mistake sets the tone for radical authenticity and accountability—qualities I argue are essential if you want genuine influence.

Drawing on insights from John Maxwell's Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, I explain why your PowerPoint slides and pitch-perfect scripts are just window dressing. The heart of true connection and lasting influence is living out what you communicate. I tackle the myth that communication is all about how you craft your message and show why, instead, behavior is your primary message. Your team and clients have real-time “credibility audits” running in their heads, always weighing your actions far more than your words.

Here’s what I cover in this episode:

• The invisible gap between values and behavior that sabotages your influence
• A personal leadership mistake that taught me hard lessons about credibility
• Why your behavior communicates more than your words, especially under scrutiny
• How accountability—not perfection—accelerates trust and strengthens connections
• The step-by-step formula for owning and fixing mistakes with clients and teams
• A fresh take on vulnerability: how sharing learned wisdom (not present weakness) wins hearts and minds
• How to shift from a transactional to a partnership dynamic in any relationship
• The power of doing a quick “alignment audit” before key meetings to instantly increase impact

Whether you’re a leader, communicator, or entrepreneur, this episode arms you with actionable tools to make your influence grow—by living your message with confidence, accountability, and authentic vulnerability. And remember, we’re always chasing progress, not perfection!

As a quick update, next week’s schedule features a special guest and a holiday replay, so stay tuned. Don’t forget to grab your free eBook and check out my new book for even deeper strategies on turning your connections into true career growth. Thanks for joining me—your voice really can change your world.

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Episode Transcript

Tim Newman (00:08):
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a
podcast that helps you build thesoft skills that lead to real
results.
Communication, storytelling,public speaking, and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor, turning
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on a
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
You know, there's a lie that'skilling your influence right

(00:32):
now.
It's not something you're sayingout loud, but everyone can hear
it.
It's the gap between what youclaim to value and how you
actually behave.
I once watched a leader stand infront of his team and
passionately talk aboutinnovation and risk taking.
He said failure was just part ofthe process.

(00:53):
Then, two days later, I saw himpublicly dismantle a junior
employee who tried something newthat didn't work.
The silence in that room waslouder than any speech.
In that moment, his credibilityevaporated.
His words became meaningless.
That leader was me.

(01:15):
I had to learn a valuable lessonthe hard way.
John Maxwell calls this out inchapter 10 of Everyone
Communicates if you connect.
He says the most fundamentalprinciple is this.
Connectors live what theycommunicate.
Your message isn't yourPowerPoint slide.
It's you.

(01:35):
And today I'm going to show youhow to close that gap for good
so your influence actually growswhen you speak.
You see, this is the core of theentire problem.
We think communication is aboutcrafting the perfect pitch,
finding the right words, ortelling a compelling story.
Now don't get me wrong, thosethings actually matter, but

(01:58):
they're secondary.
Your primary message, the onepeople actually believe, is your
behavior.
It's what you do when the camerais off.
It's how you treat the intern.
It's whether you follow throughon that small promise you made
in the hallway.
Your audience, whether it's yourteam or client, has a BS

(02:19):
detector that's always on,especially in high-six
situations.
They're not just listening toyour words, they're conducting a
credibility audit in real time.
Disconnecting leadership isbrutal.
You say we value innovation, butyou punish the first person who
takes a calculated risk thatdoesn't pay off.

(02:41):
You say people are our greatestasset, but you cancel
one-on-ones the second thingsget busy.
You're communicating that tasksare more important than people,
no matter what your missionstatement says.
The disconnecting clientcommunication is just as
damaging.
You tell a client, we're yourstrategic partner, but then you

(03:03):
treat them like a transaction.
You nickel and dime them whenscope changes.
You're unavailable when theyhave a problem, but suddenly
responsive when it's time for arenewal.
You're communicating that therevenue is valued, but they are
not.
The immediate non-negotiableconsequence is this.
People will always, alwaysbelieve your behavior over your

(03:27):
words.
Every single time.
Your actions are the headline.
Your words are just the fineprint.
And this is why authenticity issuch a buzzword.
Not because it feels good, butbecause it's a functional
requirement for trust.
Without it, you're justperforming.
And people are terribleaudiences for a bad performance.

(03:51):
They'll tune out, they'lldisengage, and your influence,
your ability to lead and to selldies on the vine.
So how do you fix this?
First, you start by abandoningthe myth of perfection.
Nobody expects you to beperfect, but everyone expects
you to be accountable.

(04:11):
The pursuit of perfection makesyou defensive.
It makes you hide your mistakes.
Accountability, on the otherhand, is an integrity
accelerator.
It's the fastest way to buildtrust when you've inevitably
messed up.
Let me give you a clientcommunication example.
Let's say you miss a deadline,and it happens.

(04:34):
The weak, disconnected responseis to make excuses.
You may blame a vendor, atechnical glitch, an overloaded
team.
You might even try to quietlyextend the deadline without
saying anything, hoping theywon't notice.
If you do that, what are youcommunicating?
You're communicating that you'renot in control, that you're not

(04:55):
trustworthy, and that you thinkyour client is dumb.
But the connecting response, youpick up the phone or jump on a
call immediately.
You say something like this, heySteve, I'm calling about the
deliverable that's due today.
Look, I own this.
I've missed the deadline.
It's on me, and I'm reallysorry.

(05:17):
Here's exactly what happened.
And you can give a brief,unvarnished truth.
And here's my concrete plan tofix it.
I will have it to you by 10 a.m.
tomorrow.
Does that work for you?
So let's break this down whythis works so powerfully.
First, you acknowledge it fast.
And you didn't let the problemfester, and you owned it fully.

(05:41):
You use the word I, not we.
We can be a cowardly word thatspreads blame.
You took definitive ownershipand you fixed it definitively.
You gave a new specific time andasked for confirmation.
This responds to somethingmagical.
It actually builds more trustthan if you'd ever made the

(06:03):
mistake at all.
Why?
Because it proves yourcharacter.
It proves you're safe to workwith.
It proves that when things gowrong, and they always do,
you'll handle it with integrity.
This applies perfectly to aleadership pitch, too.
Imagine you're pitching a newstrategy to your team, and you

(06:24):
get a detail wrong, and someonepoints it out.
The disconnected leader doublesdown or gets defensive.
The connecting leader says, youknow what, you're absolutely
right.
Thanks for catching that.
Let me correct myself.
That moment of publicaccountability makes you more
credible, not less.
It shows you care more aboutbeing right than about being

(06:46):
seen as right.
The formula is simple, but it'snot easy.
Acknowledge the mistake fast.
Own it fully without dilutionand fix it definitively with a
clear solution.
This one practice deposits moretrust capital than a dozen
perfectly delivered speeches.

(07:07):
Now let's talk aboutvulnerability, because this is
where most professionals get itall wrong.
We confuse vulnerability withweakness.
We think showing any crack inthe armor will make people
question our confidence.
The exact opposite is true.
In the context of influence,vulnerability is strategic
authenticity.

(07:28):
It's a calculated display ofhumanity that makes your
expertise relatable andtherefore more trustworthy.
Contrast the know-all leaderwith the learned at all leader,
especially in a pitch.
The know-all has all theanswers.
They present a flawless plan,they never seem uncertain, and

(07:50):
as a result, they createdistance.
The TR client thinks, well, ofcourse this looks easy for you.
You're on a different level.
There's no connection.
The learned all leader isdifferent.
They might say, When I firstapproached this problem, I made
the mistake of focusing only onX.
It took me a while to realizethat Y was the real lever.

(08:14):
That failure taught me theframework we were using today.
What just happened?
You didn't show currentincompetence.
You shared a relevant struggleyou've already overcome.
And you made your journeyaccessible.
You communicated that you'vebeen where they might be, and
you found a way through it.
And that builds a bridge.

(08:35):
This is incredibly powerful inclient communication.
Sharing a brief, relevant storyabout a past project where you
face a similar challenge andwhat you learned tells a client
two things.
First, that you have realhard-won experience, and second,
that you're honest enough totalk about the messy parts.
It makes your success seemrepeatable, not like a fluke.

(09:00):
The key distinction is crucial.
You share challenges you'veovercome, not current
incompetence you're strugglingwith.
You're not saying, I have noidea how to handle this.
You're saying I've navigatedthis before, and here's the
insight I gain.
This kind of vulnerability doessomething remarkable.

(09:20):
It creates psychological safety.
When you're willing to be human,you give everyone else in the
room permission to be human too.
It encourages honesty, deeperquestions, and a more genuine
collaboration.
It deepens a connection becauseit moves a relationship from a
transactional expert clientdynamic to a collaborative

(09:42):
partner-partner dynamic.
So let's bring this alltogether.
The principle is that you areyour message.
Your integrity is your mostpowerful communication tool.
And the practices are to rightyour wrongs with immediate
accountability and to bestrategically vulnerable,
sharing your learned wisdom, notyour current weaknesses.

(10:05):
The cumulative effect of thesealigned actions is a steady
deposit into your trust bankaccount.
Every time your actions matchyour words, you add a little
more capital.
Every time you own a mistake,you make a major deposit.
This capital is what gives yourwords weight and your influence
power.

(10:26):
The one practice I want you tostart this week is simple but
profound.
Before your next importantleadership meeting or client
call, conduct a quick alignmentaudit.
Ask yourself one question.
On this topic, do my recentactions match the words I'm
about to say?
If you're going to talk aboutvaluing customer feedback, have

(10:47):
you actually reviewed the latestsurvey comments yourself?
If you're going to emphasizeteamwork, have you publicly
credited a colleague for theirhelp recently?
This five-second habit forcesyou to close the gap before you
even open your mouth.
It grounds your communication inreality.
Remember, behavior is alanguage.

(11:10):
What language are you speaking?
The lie that kills yourinfluence is the gap between
your words and your actions.
Live your message by owning yourmistakes and embracing the
strength of authenticvulnerability.
Your credibility depends on it.
That's all for today.
Remember, we're looking forprogress, not perfection.

(11:33):
A quick update for next week'sepisodes.
On Monday, we will have aregular episode with an amazing
guest.
On Thursday, December 25th, wewill have a special replay of a
popular teaching episode for theChristmas holiday.
Then we'll be back on theregular schedule starting
Monday, December 29th.
Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidence

(11:53):
podcast.com to get your freeebook, The Top 21 Challenges for
Public Speakers and How toOvercome Them.
You can also register for theFormula for Public Speaking.
Always remember, your voice hasempowered you.
We'll talk to you next time.
Take care.