Episode Transcript
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Tim Newman (00:08):
Welcome back to
Speaking with Confidence, the
podcast that helps you build thesoft skills that lead to real
results.
Communication, storytelling,public speaking, and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turn
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Think about this.
(00:29):
You're surrounded by people,but completely alone.
You have hundreds ofconnections, but no one you can
actually call.
You're building a network thatlooks impressive on paper, but
feels hollow in practice.
Does this sound familiar?
This is the modernprofessional's paradox.
We're more connected than ever,yet genuine relationships are
(00:53):
harder to find.
Most people are making one oftwo fatal mistakes.
They're either buildingrelationships without momentum
or momentum withoutrelationships.
And both approaches eventuallyleave you stuck.
Today we're fixing that.
I'm going to show you the exactsystem for my book, Connections
(01:15):
at Count, that flips the scripton networking.
It's not about collectingcontacts, it's about cultivating
collaborations.
We're going to break down thetwo personality types that fail,
and then I'll give you thesingle mindset shift that turns
it all around.
So let's diagnose the problem.
After years of teaching andcoaching, I see people fall into
(01:36):
two clear categories.
Recognizing which one you arein is the first step to fixing
it.
First, you have the connector.
This is the people pleaser, thegiver.
They remember your birthday,they check in when you're sick,
and they'll make introductionswithout even being asked.
Connectors are the glue of anyorganization.
(01:57):
But here's their fatal flaw.
They're so busy holding theladder for everyone else, they
never climb it themselves.
They build incredible socialcapital, but zero professional
momentum.
They hit a wall of burnoutbecause they give without ever
receiving.
Their network is wide, butshallow.
(02:18):
On the other side, you have theclimber.
Driven, ambitious, focused onthe next promotion or the next
big deal.
Climbers are excellent atbuilding momentum.
They know how to get results,but their relationships are
purely transactional.
They see people as runs on aladder.
And eventually, they reach apoint where they burn so many
(02:40):
bridges that there is no oneleft to help them.
They build impressive momentumbut have no real relationships
to sustain it.
They hit a wall of isolation.
I spent the first half of mycareer as a classic connector.
I loved helping my students andcolleagues succeed.
But I had this moment ofclarity sitting in my office
after helping a former studentland her dream job.
(03:03):
She thanked me for all mysupport, and as she walked out,
I realized I was staring at thebase of a mountain I hadn't even
started climbing.
I was surrounded by people, butI was completely alone in my
own growth.
And that's the connectorceiling.
The climber ceiling is just asreal.
I've watched talented peopleaccelerate quickly, only to
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plateau because no one truststhem enough to offer the next
big opportunity.
Their reputation perceivesthem.
All take and no give.
The truth is both archetypesare incomplete.
The connector builds communitybut lacks direction, and the
climber builds a career butlacks community.
You need both to buildsomething that lasts.
(03:46):
You need to become what I callthe connector climber.
So how do you escape this trap?
It starts with a singlequestion that changed everything
for me.
I was at a conference andsomeone asked me, You know
everyone here.
But who's helping you?
And I had no good answer.
I was so focused on being thehelpful one that I never allowed
(04:08):
myself to be vulnerable enoughto actually need help.
And that's the core of themindset shift.
Moving from being useful tobeing collaborative, from a
one-way street of giving to atwo-way street of mutual growth.
Vulnerability is a missingingredient in professional
relationships.
People don't connect with yourperfect polish facade.
(04:30):
They connect with yourauthentic struggles and
ambitions.
The connector climber mindsetis about climbing the mountain
with people, not just cheeringfrom the base camp or racing
past them on the summit.
It's the understanding thatyour growth and your connections
are not separate pursuits.
They actually fuel each other.
This requires it knowing yourmountain.
(04:52):
What are you actually climbingfor?
What's your purpose?
And without that clarity, yournetworking is just random acts
of kindness or aggressiveself-promotion.
When you know your mountain,every connection becomes
intentional.
And you stop asking, what can Iget from this person?
And start asking, what can webuild together?
(05:14):
And this shifts the entiredynamic from transactional to
transformational.
Instead of collecting favors,you're actually creating value.
A transactional relationship isI'll scratch your back, you
scratch mine.
But a transformationalrelationship is let's build
something neither of us couldachieve without the other.
(05:34):
That's the power of theconnector climber.
You stop seeing your network asa Rolodex, excuse me, a contact
in a database, and start seeingit as a team.
The old model of networking wasabout proximity and being in
the right room.
The connector climber model isabout alignment, connecting with
(05:55):
the right people for the rightreasons.
It's a shift from quantity toquality, from obligation to
intention.
And this isn't just a nicer wayto operate, it's a more
effective one too.
Relationships built on mutualgrowth are exponentially more
resilient and more valuable thanthose built on transactional
exchanges.
(06:15):
And this mindset is thefoundation for everything that
actually follows.
So let's get tactical.
How do you actually operate asa connector climber?
It boils down to threenon-negotiable rules.
These are the operatingprinciples that prevent you from
sliding back into being just aconnector or just a climber.
(06:37):
Rule number one know yourmountain.
I mentioned this earlier, butlet's be brutally practical.
You cannot connect withintention if you're vague about
your destination.
Again, you cannot connect withintention if you're vague about
your destination.
So to be clear, I want to besuccessful is not a mountain.
(07:02):
That's a foggy hill.
Your mountain needs to bespecific enough that other
people can see it and decide ifthey want to climb it with you.
Are you building a specificskill?
Launching a product?
Changing careers into aparticular industry?
That's your mountain.
And clarity is the magnet.
When you can articulate yourgoal with precision, you stop
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attracting random well-wishersand start attracting potential
collaborators who share yourvision or have complementary
skills.
This rule forces you to do theinternal work first.
Stop trying to network your wayto clarity.
Get clear, and then network.
Rule two.
Audit your circle ruthlesslyand honestly.
(07:47):
Look at the five people youspend the most time with.
Not the five people you wishyou spent time with, the actual
five.
Now ask a simple question.
Are these people keeping mecomfortable or helping me climb?
You don't need to dramaticallycut people out of your life.
Remember, this isn't a realityTV show.
(08:08):
But you do need to be strategicabout your exposure.
If someone consistently drainsyour energy, dismisses your
ambitions, or represents amindset you're trying to move
past, you need to consciouslylimit that influence.
Simultaneously, you need to beproactively seeking out people
who are on a similar climb orwho are a few steps ahead of you
(08:29):
on a path you admire.
And this isn't about usingpeople.
It's about curating anenvironment that fuels your
growth.
Your network is yourenvironment.
If your environment is filledwith people who are stuck at
base camp, guess where you'llstay.
And rule number three, it'sprobably the most important.
Create value, not favors.
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This is the death knell oftransactional thinking.
The old model is I'll do thisfor you and you owe me one.
But that's exhausting to trackand builds resentment.
The connector climber model ishow can I create a situation
where we both win?
Instead of asking, what can Iget?
You ask, what can we create?
(09:14):
The difference is profound.
A favor is a closed loop.
Value creation is an openfield.
For example, instead of askinga contact for a job referral, a
favor, you might say, I'mexploring how my skills and data
analysis could apply to thehealthcare sector.
I notice your company isinnovating in that space.
(09:35):
Would you be open to a15-minute chat where I could ask
you a few questions about thelandscape?
I'd be happy to share thetrends I'm seeing from my
perspective as well.
Now you see that shift?
You're not just taking, you'reoffering a different
perspective.
You're framing the interactionas a mutual exchange of
insights, not a one-wayextraction.
And this makes people want tohelp you because they feel like
(09:58):
a participant in your journey,not a resource to be mined.
Let's give you another realworld example.
I had a client.
Let's call her Sarah.
Sarah was stuck as a connectorin a mid-level marketing role.
She was great at her job andloved helping her teammates, but
she was invisible toleadership.
She decided to apply theserules.
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First, she got clear on hermountain.
She wanted to move into aleadership role focused on brand
strategy.
That was her specific mountain.
Second, she audited her circleand realized she was only having
coffee with peers at her samelevel.
So she started to intentionallyreaching out to directors in
other departments.
(10:40):
But here's how she applied rulenumber three.
She just didn't ask for careeradvice.
Before each meeting, she'dprepare one insight about their
department's public-facingmessaging that she thought was
particularly strong, or onesuggestion based on her external
perspective.
She went into the conversationas a fellow thinker, not a
(11:00):
subordinate, asking for help.
And within six months, she wasleading a cross-departmental
project and was on the radar forthe next strategic role that
opened up.
She created value, and thenthat value created momentum.
This system transforms yourrelationships from transactional
to transformational.
Remember, transactionalrelationships are brittle.
(11:23):
They break when the exchange isunbalanced.
Transformational relationshipsare resilient.
They grow stronger throughcollaboration because both
people are invested in a sharedoutcome.
That's the connector climberadvantage.
You're not building a network,you're building a team.
But this theory is uselesswithout action.
(11:43):
So I'm going to give you onechallenge to start this week.
Just one.
Don't try to overhaul yourentire life.
Master this first step.
Your challenge is to reconnectwith one person in your network
with intention, not obligation.
Intention.
Here's exactly what to do.
(12:03):
Pick one person who is on amountain adjacent to yours.
Maybe they're in a role youadmire or they're working on a
project that aligns with yourinterests.
Then send them this message.
You can even copy it verbatimverbatim.
Hey, put their name in.
I was thinking about your workon whatever specific project or
role they're doing.
(12:23):
And it's really impressive.
I'm currently focused on StateYour Mountain, such as
developing my leadership skillsin project management.
And your approach has beeninspiring.
I'd love to hear what you'relearning through the process.
Would you be open to a quick15-minute chat sometime next
week?
No agenda, just curious tolearn from your experience.
(12:45):
Do you see what that messagedoes?
It's specific.
It complements their actualwork, not just a generic you're
great.
It states your mountain, whichmakes you seem focused and
intentional.
And it frames the request as alearning opportunity, not an ask
for a favor.
And this is how you activateyour network.
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You're not just checking a box,you're planting a seed for a
collaborative relationship.
The immediate impact of thissmall shift is that it changes
the energy of your interactions.
You stop feeling like you'rebothering people and start
feeling like you're buildingbridges.
This one conversation couldlead to a piece of crucial
advice, an introduction, orsimply the confidence that
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you're not climbing alone.
This is the essence of being aconnector climber.
It's a series of smallintentional actions that
compound over time.
You stop seeing your career asa solo climb and start seeing it
as a team expedition.
Your network becomes yourgreatest asset, not because of
how many people are in it, butbecause of how deeply you're
(13:49):
connected to the ones whomatter.
That's how you buildconnections that actually count.
That's the system.
Stop just being a connector orjust a climber.
And start being a person whobuilds relationships and
momentum together.
If you want the full frameworkwith all the stories and tools,
get my book, Connections ThatCount: How to Transform Your
(14:12):
Network into Influence,Leadership, and Career Growth.
It's on Amazon now.
Your network isn't just who youknow, it's who helps you grow.
Go make a connection thatactually matters.
I want to thank you all forsupporting me in growing the
Speaking with Confidencecommunity.
I will continue to createcontent that is packed with
value to help you grow and buildyour confidence.
(14:34):
If there is something inparticular you'd like me to
cover, please reach out to meand let me know.
That's all for today.
Remember, we're looking forprogress, not perfection.
And be sure to visit thespeaking with confidence
podcast.com to get your freeebook, The Top 21 Challenges for
Public Speakers, and How toOvercome Them.
You can also register for theformat for public speaking to
(14:57):
us.
Always remember, your voice hasthe power of change.
We'll talk to you next time.
Take care.