Overcoming Stage Nerves: Practical Confidence Tips for Speakers and Leaders from Alex Sanfilippo

Episode Transcript
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Tim Newman (00:10):
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a
podcast that helps you build thesoft skills that lead to real
results.
Communication, storytelling,public speaking, and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turn
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Today's guest is Alex SanFilippo.

(00:30):
Alex is a podcaster and thefounder of PodMatch.com, a
platform that automaticallymatches podcast hosts and guests
for interviews.
Through PodMatch and hispodcast titled Podcasting Made
Simple, Alex helps independentpodcasters grow their influence
and revenue so they can betterserve their listeners.
Alex, well welcome to the show,bud.

Alex Sanfilippo (00:50):
Tim, thank you so much for having me.
Really an honor to be heretoday.

Tim Newman (00:53):
You know, I'm I'm so excited to have you for many,
many reasons.
Um, but you know, I I telleverybody I talk to how you and
the PodMatch team have reallychanged my life and the lives of
podcast podcasters all over theworld.
Uh this is my hundredth episodeof speaking with confidence.

(01:13):
And I would not have made itthis far without your support
and the support of the rest ofthe pod match team.
So so thank you so, so much.

Man, it's it's an honor to hear that.
Like as someone who's listenedto your podcast for it feels
like years now.
I don't know how long it'sactually been, right?
But uh because you said 100episodes, I feel like, wait,
that had to be listening a lotlonger ago than that, but but
maybe not.
But um, man, again, as someonewho's listened, someone who's
just um who has learned fromyou, it means so much that
you're using podmatch.
You're part of it, and andseriously, congratulations on
100 episodes.

(01:43):
The chances of making it thereare like it's very few and far
between to ever see a podcastermake it that far, which just has
so much more about you and thecraft that you've created here.
Uh so thank you, Tim, for forhaving me and congratulations
again.

Tim Newman (01:55):
Well, this is gonna be fun.
And again, I I appreciate it.
And and I'm glad you said it'sa craft because that that's kind
of how I how I talk about it.
Um, you know, it I I don't wantto, I'm not trying to brag or
anything, but I but I work hardat this.
I you know, I work hard at youknow becoming a better
podcaster, becoming a betterinterviewer, be becoming a
better communicator, betterlistener, all the all those
things because you know what oneof the things that is you harp

(02:18):
on a lot, which I reallyresonates with me, is providing
value, providing value towhoever it is that that we're
working with, that we're dealingwith in in in in any given
moment.
And it's just so important.

Hey, I couldn't agree more.
I believe that like value hasto be the center of everything
we do.
And if it's not, I think maybethat our our motives are
misaligned at times.
And so I only see people reach100 episodes of their podcast
and beyond if their motive is toto serve somebody, to add
value, to make it more thanabout themselves, the
individuals that kind of lookinternal.

(02:51):
Uh listeners feel it, right?
Like I mean, we can see it whenpeople are on stage.
You can kind of see thatanywhere where there's someone
who's clearly in it forthemselves.
The rest of us are kind oflike, eh, something feels off
here, right?

Tim Newman (03:02):
Right, right, right.
But let's let me take that justone step further because you
said something in in ourpre-interview chat um that that
again to me was very, verypowerful.
You you said that sometimes wed diminish our own worth as
leaders thinking, you know,we've only played a small part.
Why do you think so manyhigh-impact people struggle with
to acknowledge their own valuefor for other people?

(03:24):
Because I I I definitely do.
I had a conversation just lastweek with a former student.
And I said, All I did was putyou in a position to be
successful.
And he was telling me, well, uhwhat he was doing with somebody
else, and then he just said thesame thing.
I said, But you did it.
You it if it weren't for you,that person wouldn't have been
successful.
But I'm not accepting formyself.

(03:45):
So I that really resonates withme.

Me too.
And I'm just gonna say for foryou, for everyone listening,
Tim, you know this, but everyonelistening, this is a struggle
of mine as well.
I I mean, people call itimposter syndrome.
There's all kinds of names forit beyond that, even these days.
And it's it's a real feeling.
Like, we don't want to overplaythe value that we've added, the
the role that we've played, andsome of that could be humility,

(04:10):
which is of course better thanthe opposite, right?
Yeah, right, right.
Nonetheless, it's tough for fora lot of us to just accept the
fact that, like, hey, we made areal impact in someone else's
life or in a market or in acommunity, whatever it might be.
It's really tough.
And the reality is like, Idon't have like the answer.
Like, I wish I had to be like,but all you have to do is,

(04:32):
right?
Like, it's not that, but it'sit's surrounding yourself with
the right people that remindyou, hey man, you're you're
doing more than you think.
Like Tim, when you I talked, Ireminded you, I'm like, hey, you
are helping a lot of peopleliterally do what your podcast
is about.
You're teaching people to speakwith confidence, and there is
real impact happening.
There are people's lives thathave been changed because of
that.
And when we hear it fromsomebody else that we love, we

(04:52):
respect, we even admire a littlebit, right?
We're able to say, okay,they're right.
It's it's just harder for me tosay that.
So for me, the biggest thingthat I do is I surround myself
with people, not that like puffme up full of pride, right?
But that will say, hey, Alex,you are doing something good.
You're doing somethingimportant.
At the same time, they're thefirst people that beat me up
when I'm doing something wrong,right?
So it kind of keeps you humblein that, in that whole like that

(05:14):
circle, if you will.

Tim Newman (05:15):
But but I I think those people are critical to
success.
Because, like you said, and andhere I go, I'm honing in right
on that piece.
If you've messed something up,they tell you about it.
Because it, I mean, a lotbecause uh a lot of times we do
surround ourselves with withpeople who are just gonna tell
us we're great, but I would muchrather have somebody tell me
that I'm messing something upand I need to straighten it out
or I need to get better at thisor or or whatever it is.

(05:37):
Because again, it it comes itcomes back to being better at a
craft, being better individuals,being better people, and
providing more value to others.

I I think I I I used to to feel that same way,
Tim, but I I've kind of hit thepoint now where I'm tired of
getting beat up.
Like from the people I love,right?
Like not in a bad way, but I'mlike point at my flaws, point my
flaws, point my flaws, liketell me I can do better.
And I had so much of thathappening that was it honestly,
I felt beat up.
I felt like I was kind ofgetting burnt out, and I think I

(06:09):
just needed some love, youknow?
Like, well, tell me I'm notterrible, right?
And so I think that there islike there truly has to be a
balance.
Because for guys like you andI, they're high achievers.
Yes, we love to know whensomething's wrong because that's
our number one spot to be ableto fix.
Great, fixed it.
What's next?
Okay, what's next?
What's next?
Sometimes it's good to say,hey, slow down a minute.
You're doing such a good job.
Look at the impact it's having.

(06:30):
And for me, I'm like, oh wait,I breathe.
You're right.
There is something good here,right?
It's not like all bad or thingsto improve.
But I think a lot of highachievers, we we really struggle
with that.
So for me, I'm I'm hitting thispoint of balance where I'm okay
to say, hey, I need some loveright now.
Not tough love.
I just need someone to tell meI'm good.
You know, like it's going along way in my in my walk uh

(06:52):
these days.

Tim Newman (06:54):
Well, and and I think you you talked a little
bit about that, you know, in anepisode of podcasting made
simple a couple weeks ago withwith Chase Jarvis.
And again, it that episode, youknow, there's so yeah, I mean,
I'm I'm sure you find this too,that there's certain episodes
that that just hit you rightright at your heart.
I mean, and you go, wow, I'mnot the only one.

(07:14):
Wow, that that makes so muchsense.
I mean, I mean, it that reallykind of brings things out.
And in one point in thatepisode, y'all were talking
about creativity and play andfun, right?
And I tell tell the story thatI got into podcasting because my
life there was no fun in mylife, zero.
I mean, I had a lot of thingsgoing on, um, family sickness,

(07:37):
and you know, all kinds of typesof things.
And I started the the golf weekpodcast because I wanted to do
something fun.
And I had no idea where thatwhere it was going to take me,
and this is where it is now.
And and and that that that tome what was was so important to
understand that you know Iwasn't the only one that that

(07:59):
had had kind of lost my way inin that in that sense, let's put
it that way.

Yeah, I'm I'm you talked about that episode
with Chase Jarvis, and thank youfor calling that out, by the
way.
It was it was a greatconversation.
And for me as well, like when Iwas even prepping for it,
reading his book and talkingwith him, same thing I realized
I had I had cut play, joy, andfun out of what I do for my job,
right?
Like, yes, I I run a companythat I love, I have a lot of fun

(08:24):
with it, but we can all we canall kind of blur that line,
right?
Where it's like, hey, we likeyou can't do this and lose your
soul, right?
Like it is not worth it.
Like you could become thegreatest speaker on the planet,
but if you don't have some joyin it, you don't enjoy it from
time to time, you're going tolose yourself in it.
And maybe everyone in the worldthinks that you're amazing, but
like, do you?

(08:44):
And I think that's a reallyvalid question.
And so for me, I had to sitback and realize that, like,
yeah, on paper, I've beenachieving a lot.
But when I look at myself inthe mirror, am I really happy?
Am I having a lot of fun?
Like, am like not every minuteof every day has to be fun,
right?
Like I'm scared of doing hardwork, right?
But there's gotta be, onceagain, some form of balance and

(09:05):
re-learning that, re-hearingthat, like you, Tim, it just
reshaped things for me.
So I've been having more fun.
And sometimes it means closingmy laptop when I'm done versus
like, well, there's other thingsI can do, right?
It means I'm gonna, I'm I'mleaving, you know, I'm out of
here today because I I didenough work to be done today.
And I think that so many of us,we need that reminder that like
joy, fun, yeah, it just thejourney, the process itself can

(09:28):
be just as beautiful as thedestination.

Tim Newman (09:31):
Yeah, I mean, I I tell people I could work 24-7
for like five years and it'llnever be done.
It'll never be done.
I mean, and and so the the thewhole idea of taking that step
back and and injecting fun inwhat we do as well, you know,
because I I think specificallyin terms of communication, how
the dynamic changes when youwhen you are having fun, and

(09:56):
that comes across.
You know, your tone changes,your body language changes, your
face changes, um, and and howthat's received by whoever it is
that you're talking to, whetherit's one person, whether it's a
small group, whether it's a abig arena, doesn't really
matter.
They they really do kind offeed off of that and feel that,
and it changes the whole dynamicof whatever it is that you're
talking about.

It really does.
I hadn't really thought aboutthis, Tim, but you can you can
tell when somebody's having agood time versus not, right?
Like you can see it.
And just out of curiosity, likewhat are what are you doing
like to to interject more fun?
Like, what are is there anypractical things that you can
help me with, right?
Like, and hopefully thelisteners as well.

Tim Newman (10:34):
Oh I I make fun of myself a lot, but because you
know, and you kind of said it inin that episode, I don't take
myself very seriously at all.
I I really don't.
I and if I mess up, I I Ilaugh.
If if I'm speaking, like if I'mspeaking on stage and I say
something silly, I'll I'll laughor or whatever.
Uh and even in in in inpodcasting, I I tell people I

(10:59):
don't edit.
The only thing I'll edit for meis the read either the read in
or the read out because that hasto be perfect.
But if we're having thisconversation and and I say
something dumb or whatever, Ijust laugh at it and and roll
with it.
Uh because it's what's theworst thing.
I mean, it's we're justtalking.
It's it's just like two friendstalking.
It it is what it is.
You you wouldn't go to yourfriend and say, you know what,

(11:22):
uh I'm erase that from your fromyour brain and your memory, I'm
gonna start over again.
Right.
So so that's that that's onefor for me, but uh but also you
know, to to spend time doingthings that that are that are
fun.
What whatever it is.

(11:42):
I'm I'm part of anaccountability group right now,
and uh one of the uh pieces inthat accountability group is uh
to sp to spend more time uhnon-work time with my wife.
I mean, you know, my wife and Iare like you and Alicia.
We we we work together almosteverything that we do, right?
And for a while it's just beenuh every conversation has been

(12:05):
about work.
And and for me, it's you knowwhat, we're gonna spend more
time doing husband-wife things,fun things, you know, whatever
it is, and not talking aboutwork.
So f finding those things thatthat that you have is is really
important.
And for me, the other thing, II gotta talk about my grandkids.
That's that is my real fun forfor now.

Oh, that's so cool.
Uh like making fun of yours,making fun of yourself, like not
in a bad way, obviously, likeas you just share, but like I
think that's huge.
And then like uh doing thingsthat spend time doing things
that are fun and spending timewith your family.
Like, I I love that stuff.
That two more that I'll addreal quick that have worked for
me is one to turn it into ajoke.
Like I like wrote down thosewords, turn it into a joke, and
all that means is sometimes wewe have to do some really hard

(12:47):
work.
Can I make it fun?
Because Alicia, my wife and I,as you just uh mentioned, we we
work in the same place, like weare and we we do the same stuff,
right?
So sometimes we're liketackling something together,
it's like really difficult.
And like I'm a I've always beenkind of like a witty, loud
person.
So uh I'll just throw somerandom joke out there that like
makes it much less serious, andshe it always gets a laugh from

(13:09):
her.
That's one thing I I think I'vemaintained even after we got
married in 2012.
So after this long of marriage,being able to continue to get
her to laugh.
And so sometimes she's justlike she's like, wow, this how
did you turn that into a joke,right?
And like, but it's fun, andthen we we go finish it, we get
it done, right?
Uh and the other thing is I Ispend time intentionally
reflecting through my day,reminding myself, like, hey, did

(13:30):
I do something that was fun?
What was that win?
What was fun today?
Uh, not because I have to teachmyself to like to say, yeah,
that was fun, but just so I canremember to be on the lookout
for it during the day as well.
So I can highlight thosemoments and make kind of it
caused my memory to to like bein that moment saying, Oh, this
is actually fun.
I'm gonna remember this laterwhen I'm reflecting.
Right.
Those two things have helped mea lot as well.

(13:51):
Yeah.

Tim Newman (13:52):
And have you found when you when you do that, you
wake up happier too?

100%.
Oh, yeah.
Uh yeah.
It went from I used to be likego to sleep stressed, wake up
stressed type of thing.
And now it's like I go to bed,like, man, I I did some cool
stuff today.
Next day I'm like, I wonderwhat I'm gonna do today.
Right.
So yeah, like it's weird, butit totally works.
And a lot of people had told mefor years that that would work.
I didn't believe it, and Itried it, and I'm like, uh-oh,
they were right.

Tim Newman (14:16):
And and and at least for me, and I and I think for
others as well, but by havingthat, you know, it in your um in
your wheelhouse, in yourrepertoire, whatever you want to
call it, it it takes some ofthe stress or the things that we
had that uh that impostersyndrome, it kind of cuts the
edge off of that a little bittoo.
And it makes it makes some ofthe things that we do a little

(14:39):
bit easier.
I'm not saying it makes itmakes it easy because you know
there we still have to do thehard thing, but it makes it a
little bit easier if if if wecan uh look at it in in that
little bit of a different way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it it definitely does.
I think that's a hundredpercent right.

Tim Newman (14:57):
So you started your career as an entrepreneur when
you were 10.
Okay.
Selling golf balls.
And and I love this, I lovethis story.
Um, obviously I I do a lot ofspace, uh a lot of work in the
golf space, but and I see kidson on golf courses all the time
selling golf balls, and and I II think about you.
Uh when I see them, you know,what did you learn at at 10

(15:20):
years old in terms of sellingand communicating that has kind
of stayed with you?

Yeah, it's funny, like being a 10-year-old
kid who starts selling used golfballs back to golfers.
Many of them had their initialson.
Eventually we get we knew whowas who, right?
So like you'd be like this guy,he always hit the ball, hits
his ball in the water.
And uh yeah, I you know, Ilearned a lot from it.
And a lot of it is kind of likeretrospective.
Like you kind of look back andyou're like, okay, I I realized
there were some things that likeI learned there that carried

(15:47):
with me on an ongoing basis.
One was to to negotiate withadults, and so like now that I'm
an adult, it's like okay,negotiating with adults,
negotiating with people maybefurther along than I am that
maybe have that don't look up tome the way that they would look
up to their peers, right?
Like, I'm I'm okay in thosesettings, mostly because when I
was a kid, believe it or not,some golfers really like to try
to get a deal and they like totry to like trick a kid to be

(16:10):
like, oh, I'll give you fivedollars for three.
I'm like, wait, it should besix, you know, right?
Like uh something somethingalong those lines.
But uh that was the first thingI learned was to negotiate in
addition, in addition to that,like to actually have a coherent
conversation just around atopic that maybe I didn't really
know.
Because the thing is, I didn'treally know golf back then.
Like I ended up playing laterand and and enjoyed it, but at

(16:32):
at that point, I hadn't everplayed golf before.
But I learned how to keep aconversation going, how to learn
how to apply it, how to speakthe lingo.
It was the world I was in as a10-year-old kid, right?
And so, but I just learned tocommunicate well about the game
of golf.
And eventually, watching somany golfers hit off the the
tee, I could I figure out what agood and bad shot was, right?
Like as a 10-year-old kid whonever played, that was I I was

(16:53):
proud of it.
And uh there was other kidsthat were like along time.
It wasn't just me standing outthere alone.
There was five or six of us intotal, I'd say, but they always
uh always asked me to be the oneto talk.
So they're like, hey, we'll doall the work.
You gotta talk to these thesegolfers and and convince them to
buy stuff.
And so like those those things,negotiating, learn to
communicate really well,carrying myself somewhat

(17:15):
professionally even as a kid.
Like, I learned these thingslike starting at 10 years old
and carried them with me.

Tim Newman (17:20):
And and that's really really so important
because like you said, you youyou already have those practices
and skills.
And I heard somebody uh speakjust the other day that kind of
hit a little bit different aswell.
As kids, uh we already have uhexperience in selling and
negotiation.
We don't think about it.
Like with your parents.

(17:42):
Can I stay up later?
You know, how how do youconvince your parents to stay up
later?
How do you convince yourparents to buy stuff?
Uh or or whatever it is.
And we don't think about that.
But it's it's true.
We we do have negotiation andselling skills when we're
younger, but we don't translateit over.
And so you as a 10-year-old,having that that business is

(18:03):
it's it's it's critical and andreally probably has really
elevated you above your youryour peers who with who you grew
up with.

Yeah, it it's it's a great practice.
So for for anyone listeningtoday, like this is a this is a
little takeaway for you.
Think back to the first thingyou did as a kid that you
thought was really successful,whether it was like getting your
bedtime moved, upping yourallowance, like whatever it
might be.
I don't know what generationeveryone grew up in, whatever
your your phase was.
Think about that first thing.
And for me, it was actuallythis story.
That um, Tim, I'm grateful youbrought up to me selling golf

(18:35):
balls.
That was like the first thingI'd say I did that was like this
was a success.
And then sit down and thinkabout okay, what are the three
to five lessons I learned fromthat that I still carry today?
Like, what are the highlights?
And those things I just talkedabout, Tim, like that's I've
done that practice.
Like I didn't have to think offthe top of my head right now.
Like, I already knew that'swhat I learned from this.
And I think it's actually areally great practice because it

(18:57):
kind of can speak to where youare today, whether that's in
your ability to speak,communicate, lead, whatever it
might be, you can go back tosome of those early lessons in
life and be like, Yeah, you knowwhat?
I did learn these three thingsfrom it.
And I think it actuallyelevates even further when you
bring it to your recognition.

Tim Newman (19:10):
Yeah.
It it it it really does.
You know, there there's sothere's so much that that that
you that you again that that youcan learn from that.
It if you if you can thinkback, and and you you said
something a little bit ago, thatthat you you you take time to
to go back and um go throughyour day.

(19:31):
What what did you learn?
Um those types of things are soimportant.
There's a that's something thatreally helped helps people
grow, right?
Um, because otherwise we'd weend up doing the same things
over and over again, and wedon't really ever ever get
better.
Um and it's uh to me, it's justso important.

Yeah, if if we if we don't track it, then we
don't really know what's goingon, right?
You gotta you gotta track it.
And I might be a little bitover the top with that, I will
admit.
Like I have a daily plannerthat I use, all that type of
stuff.
But I'll tell you what, it'smade a big difference in my
life.
And like I I know where I wasyesterday versus where I am
today.
And regularly had a friend theother day, uh, had a question
for him, went to dinner, andthere was uh it was uh me and

(20:09):
him and our wives, and I waslike, hey man, I got a question
for you.
Let me run into um the car andgrab my planner.
And I told him, like, this is atopic I'm focused on for the
next 85 days, 90 days total, andfive days in.
I have a question.
And he goes, Of course you dothis every day.
And like that, that was all hesaid.
Yeah, nothing else is all hegoes, of course you do.
He's like, You're the guy whowould do that.
And he's like, and in 90 daysfrom now, you'll know this topic
better than anyone I know.

(20:29):
And anyway, it was just one ofthose things.
It's like, hey, like I wantsomething specific to come out
of this, so I'm going to bespecific with my time with what
I want to learn.

Tim Newman (20:38):
And and I think here's the here's the other the
other piece to that.
You know, that's what works foryou.
Right.
Something else may work for forsomebody else, but whatever it
is, you but you need to find outwhat whatever it is that works
for you and and do it.
Don't do don't do nothing.
Find what what works for youand and do do it every day.

(21:02):
And you know, John Maxwell'swhen he when you talk John
Maxwell, he says, What do youmean you do it every day?
He said, What does that mean?
He says, uh, it means uh everyday.
It doesn't mean every otherday, doesn't mean every third
day.
It me when he says he doessomething every day, that means
he does it every day.
You know, and that's what whatreally you know precipitates
that that that change, right?

Yeah.
Uh and I I I think the dailyhabit, having a routine, it's
it's important.
Like if we want to go places,we've got to be willing to do
that.
And so whatever works for you,as you said, because everyone's
brain is different.
Some people love digital stuff.
I I actually sure I'm asoftware founder, but I mostly
do stuff on pen and paper.
And that's just what works forme.

Tim Newman (21:41):
Yeah, and I'm and I'm I'm all digital.
I mean everything.
Primarily because if I writesomething down, nobody can read
it, including myself.

Should have been a doctor, Tim.
Should have been a doctor.
Well, you know, collegeprofessor, your training got
doctors.
You were close.

Tim Newman (21:57):
Yeah, exactly.
So but let let's uh moveforward a little bit in your
life.
Uh you got into into corporatelife, um, and you said once what
when you left corporate lifeand started pod match, you had
to become a different kind ofcommunicator.
Um how did that transittransition change you?
And what did you mean by adifferent kind of communicator?

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, after 15
years in big corporate, I was inthe aerospace industry.
For listeners, I wasn't anastronaut, wasn't a skydiver,
wasn't a fighter pilot.
Like won the interesting stuff,worked on a computer, uh, loved
that job.
I did it for 15 years before uhmoving into what I'm doing now,
which I consider to be more ofa calling.
But during that 15 years, likeI was a company guy.
So, like now, if I go back, Iused to run meetings, now I host

(22:43):
gatherings, right?
That's like one shift.
When I used to speak atconferences, I spoke on behalf
of that company, not of myselfor my own brand.
Like I was trained to doexactly what I was supposed to
do.
It's completely different.
And and I really thought, Tim,that when I left that job, moved
into this, it would all just bea natural segue.
It's not.
I mean, it's totally different.

(23:04):
Like because now I'mrepresenting myself because it
is my brand, my company, right?
So it's like, okay, well, who'sthis Alex guy who runs this
company?
That's what I want to know.
When previously it was like,oh, this is a multi-billion
dollar publicly traded company.
This is a spokesperson for thatbrand, right?
Like it's not the same at all.
And I thought that they wouldtranslate.
And of course, some of the softskills and and stuff like that,
like they translate, right?

(23:25):
But the mindset was sodifferent, man.
And like I, I'll be real, I didnot transition well with that.
Or I shouldn't say it was agood transition.
It just took a lot longer thanit should have because I just
felt like I was starting overcompletely.
I lost what felt like all theconfidence I built up over the
years, because it's just nowit's me.

(23:46):
And and that's not what I wasused to.

Tim Newman (23:48):
So was there something specific that that you
struggled with, or was it wasit just confidence?
Yeah, because I I I'm the sameway.
What I did in my the way Icommunicated in in higher
education is very differenthere, right?
And I've kind of struggled inchanging that as well.
But was was there was theresomething that you struggled

(24:09):
with, or was it just yourconfidence in in the
communication?

I'd I'd say the very first thing was feeling
like I didn't have a real storybecause I started listening to
podcasts before I got into them.
And and and back then therewasn't as many podcasts.
So like the shows I waslistening to were the same big
shows that all of us are bigshows, like the high listener
shows, mostly celebrity run.
And so I kind of felt like thatthat was going to be the
standard when I got intopodcasting and into speaking
because it was kind of theyhappened at exactly the same

(24:35):
time.
Uh, but you know what?
I actually think what I neededwas a conversation you recently
had on your podcast.
I'm blanking on her last name,but you had someone named Rachel
on.
The title of it was I wrote itdown, is Mastering Body Language
and Authentic Authenticity inPublic Speaking.
Um, she said this quote, whichreally stood out to me, and she
said, The stories you sharedon't have to be all big and
heroic.

(24:56):
Right.
Not having these resonates withpeople more.
I struggled the opposite ofthat because I was listening to
like these greats now, thepillars of our industry,
thinking, I don't have storieslike these guys and like these
ladies.
Like, I what am I gonna sharethat's gonna make me stand out
at all?
Like I had a pretty typicaljob, good childhood, like
nothing traumatic.
Like I don't have any likestory that's gonna be like, oh

(25:17):
man, this guy, like he heovercame everything, right?
Like that didn't really happen.
And yes, I've had highs andlows, of course, so I'm not like
downplaying my own life, but Ireally struggled with the idea
of I don't have anything that'sworth anyone wanting to actually
listen to and lean in for.
And I could not have been morewrong.
And by the way, I encourageeveryone, go listen to Rachel in
that episode.
I don't know if you can link toit or something, Tim, later.

(25:38):
But I'll link to that.
My my point is that was mystruggle was thinking that my
stories and my experience wasnot enough to warrant me having
a stage, whether that be virtualthrough my podcast or on a
podcast conference stage.

Tim Newman (25:52):
Yeah.
It's I I'm I'm with you.
100% with you.
Uh you know, when when when Iwhen you do academic
presentations and academicconferences, it's uh I by by the
way, I'd I would rather pokemyself in the eyeballs than do
that.
Um but it's it's it's muchdifferent than getting on a

(26:14):
stage and talking about uh youknow something else.
You know, it's much differentthan podcasting.
It's it's it's it's so muchdifferent.
And it's a it's the same skill,but you it requires different
things.
And one of the things that I'mthat I'm working on now is
telling three minute stories.
Right.
And my coach is is is he's uhpulling things out of me.

(26:36):
And I told a story a coupleweeks ago that my wife didn't
even know about.
And she said, Wow, I didn'tknow about that.
And and but it's it's pullingthem out and finding a way to
make them uh relatable and inproviding value and teaching
something out of that story.
And it's a it's a it's a muchmore difficult process than than
people actually think.

(26:57):
Because again, one, I don'tlike talking by myself.
Number two, you know, it's howam I gonna make this mean
something to somebody else if Iif my wife didn't even know
about it?
We've been married close to 30years, right?
You know, so it's it's a it's ait's a difficult skill.

That for sure, like to me, it doesn't sound
like an easy skill, by the way.
Maybe some people are like, oh,I got that.
That sounds really complex.
Uh but you know, to your toyour point here, like those
personal stories that you'rekind of drawing out and stuff
like that, that's exactly what Iknow ultimately need to learn.
It's just be more transparent.
Like it wasn't to dress up mystories, make them sound bigger
than they were, so I could soundlike everyone else in the

(27:34):
space, and nothing to do withthat.
It had to do with me learningto be transparent.
When I was working for acompany, my job was to not be
transparent, right?
Become I shouldn't say that.
Me, Alex, San Flipo, not betransparent, but be transparent
about the company, right?
So I was representing a brand,a company, a product, right?
Now, yes, I might still have aproduct service that's mine, but
people want to know, okay,who's the guy behind this?

(27:55):
Like, that is the direction theworld has moved in, especially
when you're working in a creatoreconomy like this.
You want to know who is thisperson.
And so I had to get comfortablewith being uncomfortable.

Tim Newman (28:04):
Right.

Like, I'll be real, like after years of
experience with like my my mytalking points, my notes that
kind of keep Alex's personallife out of it, to now stepping
into fully like, hey, here'swhat I'm struggling with, here's
where I'm at.
That was a tough transition.
And I'll be real, it was acouple years ago.
I uh I cried on a stage.

Tim Newman (28:24):
And and Tim, I want to talk about that.

Okay, all right, yeah, let's let's go.

Tim Newman (28:29):
So where did that come from?
And and what what did you learnfrom that?
Because it because the firsttime I I was on stage, I threw
up.

I haven't done that, Tim.
I think I draw the linesomewhere.

Tim Newman (28:43):
So so where where did that come from?
How did that how did thathappen?

It was one of the first times I decided to
share uh to share a story ofmine.
So when I was growing up, Ireally struggled with dyslexia,
which uh again, like issomething I've not really shared
because like praise God, I feellike I overcame that.
Like I've I've not stood thatin a long time, but it's one of
those things that like umtalking about it made me

(29:09):
emotional, but not because ofthe dyslexic side.
It was because of like thegrace my mom had with me.
And it was actually speaking ata it was a it was a women's
creator creator conference.
They always like to have onetoken guy keynote, and so they
chose me.
And um, I knew I wanted to getbetter at sharing personal
stories and had started likereally doing this, but that was
definitely the most personalthing I'd ever shared.

(29:31):
I don't think I'd ever actuallyvoiced it ever.
And it was one of those thingsthat like I just started talking
and started sharing it.
I I don't know what hit me,man, but because I'm not usually
like much of a crier, but I Icouldn't get myself together for
a second.
And uh I felt embarrassed.
I felt like, hey, there's noway they're gonna have me.
Like they would never tellanyone that was a good speaker,

(29:51):
right?
Like these are the thoughtsthat are running through my
head.
Right.
But the in fact, the exact andyou know this, Tim, the exact
opposite was true.
Like it it apparently was likethe One of their best talks I've
ever had.
Like there was a line of peopleto give me a hug afterwards.
Actually, I think I gave it waslike 300 hugs in the line or
something like that.
And so, um, but it was it wasone of those things that like I

(30:11):
was like, wait, this wasactually good.
Like to my previous standard, Iwould have probably gotten rid
of written up for something likethat, right?
Like when my when I was doingit for the job, and rightfully
so.
But now it's me representing meand my brand that's very much
aligned with who I am, andthat's a good thing, right?
Like it really messed with myhead.
But man, like I just startedsharing transparently, and tears

(30:33):
are what came up when I wasdoing that.

Tim Newman (30:35):
You know, it and it's funny not that that you
were in that position, but itit's funny how that happens,
right?
It's funny how it's the exactopposite of what we actually
think.
And we've we've because we'vebeen telling ourselves this for
forever, right?
That we have to be buttoned up,we have to be on point, we
can't make mistakes, we can'tshow emotion, we can't show

(30:58):
anything other than we're we'relaser focused on whatever the
messaging is, and if we're not,we're a failure.
And it's the exact opposite.

It is the exact opposite.
And I think that people thatare up and coming speakers,
that's a hard thing to hear.
Like, especially more type Apeople like me.
Like, I love a goodthree-point, you know, topic
message.
Like, give me five ways to dothis.
Like, and I love to share thatway.
But I have learned that if I'mgoing to share that way, it's
got to start and end with astory.

(31:30):
It's got to start and end withsome transparency.
It can't just be the factsanymore.
The world is changing, the waythat people learn is changing.
And for the up-and-comingspeaker, that's like, no, no,
the person who knows their fivepoints the best is the best.
I actually think now it's aperson who can interject
themselves into those fivepoints the best, transparently
in a really raw way.
At least for me, even as it'ssomeone attending an event,

(31:53):
that's what I resonate with morethan anything.
And like, I'm not saying don'tbe polished, don't know your
talking points.
I'm not saying that at all.
I'm just saying you've got tobe the core of it because we can
go find those talking pointssomewhere else, probably.
Right.
What makes it resonate withsomebody is the way that you
interject yourself into it.
And it sounds counterculture,it sounds uh totally against

(32:14):
conventional wisdom.
But Tim, like, I are you seeingthe same thing?
Like, I really want to ask youthat because it's what I'm
seeing these days.

Tim Newman (32:20):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
I mean, that's when I stoppedbeing buttoned up, that's when I
started getting better.
That's when I started, youknow, having a little bit more
um interaction and uh engagementwith with the audience.
That's when I started seeingmore seeing more feedback.
When I when I stopped beingwhen I stopped trying to be

(32:42):
perfect, stopped trying to bebut to be buttoned up.
Right.
And you know, to your point, II want to make sure that the
audience hears this and we'reclear.
We're not saying that you don'tprepare.
We're not saying that you don'tdo the things that you need to
do to be good.
You still have to do thosethings.
All we're saying is give moreof yourself.

(33:03):
Give show some more of yourpersonality, of who you are, of
of of you know your your story.
How did you come to this uhpoint, whatever whatever it is
that that you're talking about?
That's what we're saying.

Yeah, I I I think that um I think this is
just the direct, like we bothsaid, this direction things are
going in.
Like it really is.
And and for me, I can remembersomeone who shared a story
versus a point, which I think isall of history, right?
Like we can remember stories,not necessarily the points, but
when someone does just abeautiful job interjecting those
two things with their ownemotion, doesn't mean tears like

(33:40):
me, right?
With their own emotion involvedin it, like man, does it land,
right?
Because then you can connectall the dots, but they share the
story, and their point wasthis, right?
Like, versus disconnecting thetwo.
And so I I I think I think itshould be freeing because the
day of having to be the perfectspeaker that is just like
flawless, I I think is just notwhat people are resonating with

(34:01):
anymore.
And I was interested in it andlike you and I as speakers
though, of course, we look atthose individuals like wow, you
know, like 45-minutepresentation, not one air
perfect from start to finish.
When somebody listening who'sjust trying to learn might be
like, huh?
What are you what are youtalking about?
Right?
Like right, exactly.
You're like they they might notrealize that.
And that that the thing isbecause they're looking for the
connection between you, them, Ishould say, and the person on

(34:23):
stage.
And and I I'm I know I'm Idon't mean to talk in circles,
Tim.
I just kind of passionate aboutthis topic these days.

Tim Newman (34:29):
No, I mean the the more I think the more people
hear that, the more it's gonnaresonate, the more they're gonna
the more hopefully that they'regoing to listen to it and then
be able to act on that and andbecome that.
Um because I think that's thethat's really all we want.
And and it could be on stage,it could it could be at a job
interview, Alex.
I mean, right, right?
I mean, where else do youreally need to connect with

(34:51):
somebody than at a jobinterview?
You know, that that that to meis is is so important, you know,
getting yourself getting youand your message and who you are
across to whoever's doing thehiring.
Um it's if you can't do thatanymore, because again, you know
there's there's so many peopleout in the job market, so many

(35:14):
people that have the same skillsthat you do.
What what sets you apart?
What sets you apart is who youare and your story and how you
can come across and tell thatstory and connect with whoever
whoever it is that's doing thathiring.
So important.

Yeah, I I actually like the idea of even
thinking about my future talkson stage as a job interview.
Um I have to I I don't havethat a full thought on that yet,
but I actually like the idea ofeven just like before I get on
stage thinking about this aslike a job interview versus
because I act different on a jobinterview than I would on a
stage, but maybe maybe there'ssome connection there.
So that's that's wise.
I like that, Tim.

Tim Newman (35:46):
Well, don't don't go too far off the other end.
You know, I you know, I'm afull-time RVer, and I was I was
doing a job interview on thephone and started talking about
you know living full time in anR V, and I just kept on talking
and kept on talking, and weended up talking about you know

(36:06):
empt emptying the the the blackwater tank, which is the toilet.
And um my daughter is in theother room.
She just came home from collegeand saying, Dad, stop talking.
Dad, stop talking, dad, stoptalking.
I never heard from him again.
I never heard from him again,so I didn't I didn't get the
job.
Um you know there's a balance,Tim.

I got it.

Tim Newman (36:24):
There is a balance.

Thanks, Coach Tim.
I appreciate you looking outfor me.

Tim Newman (36:28):
You know, it's but it's it's yeah, you you you've
gotta know when when's enough.
So, but yeah.
Uh what is speaking withconfidence in your own words?

It's from the heart.
First off, it's gotta come fromthe heart.
It's gotta be something thatreally gets you going that
you're excited about.
The only way you can haveconfidence can't be faked.
So it's gotta be the thingsthat you like truly believe that
you truly are excited about,and then you just get out there
and talk.
And for me, I always justimagine a room of one person who
showed up because they knowthat they need to hear what I'm

(37:07):
going to share.
And that's the only way I canreally speak with confidence is
if I show up thinking that oneperson, sharing with passion,
sharing from what I actuallyreally know.
That's when I connect the best.

Tim Newman (37:22):
So when let me ask a a kind of a follow-up question.
When you're when you're gettingready to go on stage, what's
running through your head?

Well, first is the nerves, right?
That we've all we all get.
Um was it Tim, was it MarkTwain, I think, who who said the
quote there's two types ofspeakers in the world.
There's uh those that don't getnervous, or what is it?
Those those that get nervousand those that are liars.
Is that right?
Is that right?
Yeah.
And so uh the first thing isthe nerves are always there, but
um, that's my trigger, myreminder to think of two things.

(37:52):
Number one is I'm not doingthis for me, I'm doing it for
them.
Right.
That's the very first thing.
I'm not doing it for me, I'mdoing it for them.
And there's just one personhere I need to serve.
I I literally say those thingsout loud before I walk onto a
stage, just to me, just myself.
And I literally am like, Alex,you're here to serve somebody
else, not yourself.
And there's one person here whoreally, really needs you today.

(38:12):
Get out there and help them.
And that for me, just deepbreath following that, like
calms me down and reminds me,like, hey, I'm not here to
perform or to to be some form ofsure.
I'm I need to be entertaining,but I'm not the entertainment.
There's someone here who needsme, and my job is to find them
and help them.
And that is has helped me somuch, man.

Tim Newman (38:31):
So when you when you do that and you go through that
process, do you feel like alike a weight's lifted as you're
walking on stage?
Because you know you're it'sokay, this is what I'm doing.
And now as I'm up, I'm walkingup, I'm I'm ready to go and do
that.
Do you feel do you feel likethere's a weight lifted, or is
it, or is it still there untilyou actually start talking?

No, the second I'm I think I don't know what it
is, Tim, and you're much moreexperienced than I am on on
this, so you might be able tolike articulate better than I
came.
I'm I'm gonna try here foreveryone listening.
But the the second I startwalking on the stage, it's like
I go into a different mode.
I'm I'm never talking aboutsomething that that I don't know
about.
Like I will not accept a stagewhere someone's like, oh, Alex
can probably talk about this.

(39:11):
Like, I'm not gonna do that.
Like it is my topic, which ispretty much podcasting, like
being a guest or being a host,right?
Like that that's what I talkabout.
And sure, I run a softwarecompany, but I don't speak at uh
software conferences.
Like I don't actually know thatcraft as well as some people
do.
I understand podcasting.
Like that is what I know.
Those are the stages I go on.
So once I'm there, there's noreal like, oh, I'm gonna
remember my points.
No, no, I I know my my points.

(39:32):
Like I can I can sit in mysleep, right?
Like I know what I'm going totalk about.
It's just the anticipation ofgetting there.
And sometimes it can even startlike a week before I'm gonna
give a talk.
Like it'll just hit me.
Like I'm like, oh man, I'mgiving a talk in a week.
You know, right?
And that that's kind of likewhere the nerves come back up.
And even then I'll starttelling myself, like, it's not
for not for me, right?
Right.
It's it feels like the second Ihit that stage, I'm I'm in a

(39:54):
different mindset, a differentmode.
And it all the nerves arecompletely gone.
Like I guess at that point,whatever happens, happens.
Maybe I just come to terms withthe reality.
I don't know.

Tim Newman (40:02):
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So for for for me, the weightdoesn't get lifted until I start
talking.
I mean, and and again, it's I Iget it.
It's my it's me putting thatpressure on me because again, I
I want to make sure that I'mproviding value.
I mean, that's that's to me,that's the sole purpose.

(40:24):
I'm I'm here to provide thatvalue.
And uh it doesn't it doesn'tlift.
Sometimes it doesn't lift tillafter I'm a couple minutes in.
And I start to feel the feelthat feel the rhythm or feel the
the you know, I feel myselfbreathing again.
And uh so you know it's there'sit really kind of depends.
Do you have a walk-up song?

I recently got to ask this, Tim.
I didn't have one, but now nowI do.
Uh it's a song called Loyal byOdessa.
And just because you get afirst, like, I don't know, 20
seconds of it, 30 seconds of it.
And I just I don't know whyI've always really enjoyed that
song.
So when someone asked me, Isaid that that's what I wanted
to be.
But if you would have asked mea month before this time, I'd be
like, I don't know, right?

(41:08):
So, but now I do.
Loyal by Odessa, I think is ismy walk-on song.

Tim Newman (41:13):
See, sometimes I I I play it in my head.
Like I hear it in my head whenI'm gonna do it.

So you have one and you play your song in your
head, even if it's not playing.

Tim Newman (41:20):
Even if it's not playing, right.

That's cool.
I like that.

Tim Newman (41:23):
You know, it's so it's I again, it's it's it's for
me, it's just a strategy tonumber one, to to to get me
fired up, to bring some energyout there.
Um, and number number two, tolet some of that other pressure
go.
Yeah.
So that I'm re so I'm actuallyready to to provide that value,
right, ready to talk aboutwhatever it is that I'm gonna be

(41:46):
talking about.

That's a cool that's a I'm gonna start I might
even listen to my song before Istart.
You know, like that's cool.
That's a good insight, Tim.
Thank you.
That's a good hack right there.
I like it.

Tim Newman (41:54):
So what what's one practical thing our audience can
can start doing today tocommunicate or serve more more
confidently?
Because I, you know, you youand I are are big believers in,
you know, if you're gonnalisten, if you're gonna spend
some time listening to this, wewant you to be able to walk away
and and start doing somethingnow to be better or to to to get
over what whatever it is.

(42:15):
But what can they do?

Yeah, I'll kind of piggyback off the last thing
that I just talked about, whichis um remembering that you're
there to serve someone else, notyourself, and there's you're
there for one person.
That's what works for me.
Come up with something likethat that works for you.
And don't just be like, okay,I'll say this next time going on
stage.
No, no, start now.
Start in your prep.
So as you're even preparing foryour next talk, find the things
that really resonate with youthat calm you down, that bring

(42:38):
you to the proper center.
Like, listen, the nerves aregonna be there, and that that's
okay.
It's actually not a problem.
Like, we'd be we wouldn'treally be human if we didn't get
nervous about stuff.
But like, here's anotherexample of something that I like
to do.
If I ever just feel like Ican't overcome the nerves, I
remind myself I'm not actuallynervous, I'm just really
excited.
I'm not nervous, I'm justreally excited.
And that comes up a lot more inlike my prep.
So, like if I feel like I'mover prepping for something, I

(42:59):
start getting nervous.
I'm like, ooh, this is me a lotto remember.
I'm not nervous, I'm justexcited to get to share this
information.
Find your thing like that andstart voicing that now.
And let that follow you all theway up till the time you're
walking on a stage or even acouple minutes after on stage.
But figure those few thingsout, write them down and start
repeating them.
When you find the right ones, Iactually find that they're
really helpful.

Tim Newman (43:20):
Alex, that is so good because it it's a mindset
shift.
I mean, just like that.
Be nervous to being excited.
I mean, that's a it's a it's acompletely different thought and
feeling.

Yeah, it is, but it's chemically, it's
actually really similar in ourbrain.
I looked at the science onetime.
So it's like in your brain,being nervous or being excited
are actually very, very similar,believe it or not.
So, but you're right.
It it's a complete you feelcompletely different when you
say I'm nervous or I'm excited.
Like you look at someonedifferent if they say that too,
right?
Right.
Like it's it's just it's a fullshift.
And for me, that's another oneof those really helpful things

(43:57):
along the way when I'm prepping.

Tim Newman (43:58):
And I'm sure the b body language and facial
expressions change too.

Yeah.
Oh yeah.

Tim Newman (44:04):
That's awesome.
Well, where can people connectwith you?

Yeah, Tim, again, thank you for having me.
Congratulations on 100episodes, man.
Like that's another thing Iwant to say.
Like 100 episodes is just likeuh unheard of in the podcasting
space.
And I know that you're stillhonestly just getting started
the impact that you're havingand going to have.
So, first and foremost, again,thank you.
Uh, for anyone who enjoyed thisday and want to learn more
about me, podmatch.com forwardslash free.
Uh, spoiler, everything I do isin podcasting.

(44:28):
So podmatch.com slash free willjust give you nine ideas to be
a podcast host, to be a podcastguest, or if you're already one
or the other, nine ideas toreally help you move forward.
I don't I don't ask for emailaddress or anything like that.
It's just my way of being ableto help.
So if podcasting or podcastguesting might be a thing for
you, podmatch.com slash free.
But my main suggestion, hangwith Tim.
You're really taking peopleplaces.
Man, as a listener myself,again, thank you.

Tim Newman (44:48):
Alex, thank you so much.
I I appreciate you you justsaying that.
Um, but I also encouragelisteners to to be a guest on a
podcast because you're listeningto them.
You know, get that feeling, getthat that get on it and and
share your thoughts and ideas.
It's it'll change your life.
It'll change how you how youapproach things and how you how

(45:10):
you look at things.
So I appreciate you doing that.
And Alex, I can't thank youenough for all that you've done
um for me, for this podcast, forfor podcasting, and for um
joining me today.
I uh I really do appreciate it,buddy.

Tim again, thank you.
It's it's an honor to have beenhere today.

Tim Newman (45:27):
All right, well we'll see you actually, we'll
see you soon.
Podfest, right?

Yes, we will.
I'll look forward to it.

Tim Newman (45:33):
That's gonna be awesome.
Thanks so much.
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Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidence
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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Overcoming Stage Nerves: Practical Confidence Tips for Speakers and Leaders from Alex Sanfilippo

Episode Transcript

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.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Stuff You Should Know

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Overcoming Stage Nerves: Practical Confidence Tips for Speakers and Leaders from Alex Sanfilippo

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