July 14, 2025 • 56 mins
What if your biggest personal crisis turned out to be your greatest professional breakthrough?
In this episode of Speaking With Confidence, I sit down with Jenny Alday Townsend, an award-winning entrepreneur, keynote speaker, and Amazon bestselling author, for an unforgettable conversation about resilience, reinvention, and the communication tools that helped her rebuild her life from the ground up.
Jenny opens up about the moment her marriage was rocked by infidelity and how it forced her to rediscover who she was outside of her business. She shares how stepping back from micromanagement actually helped her team thrive, and how mastering powerful communication, through storytelling, active listening, and emotional honesty, became her secret to success both at work and at home.
We also dig into her “Stroke It” framework: a practical, heartfelt guide for making others feel seen, heard, and appreciated. Whether you're navigating tough conversations at work, trying to reconnect with your partner, or simply looking to boost your public speaking confidence, Jenny brings the kind of real talk and actionable insights you’ll want to revisit again and again.
In this episode, we cover:
- How ego and fear of vulnerability stifle effective leadership
- Why storytelling isn’t just a skill—it’s a lifeline
- Overcoming imposter syndrome and speaking anxiety after public failure
- What Jenny learned about communication by working herself out of a job
- Setting boundaries, building trust, and showing appreciation through language
Ready to level up your relationships and communication skills on stage, in your marriage, or in your own head? This episode is your permission slip to show up, speak honestly, and lead with intention.
Connect with Jenny:
Website: Jennyaldaytownsend.com
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@JennyTownsend
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jennyaldaytownsend/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jennyaldaytownsend/
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennyaldaytownsend
Podcast: Jennyaldaytownsend.com/podcast
Visit TimNewmanSpeaks.com to grab your free eBook, The Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them, and start building the confidence you deserve!
Want to be a guest on Speaking With Confidence? Send Tim Newman a message on PodMatch
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Tim (00:08):
Welcome to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast dedicated
to helping you unlock the powerof effective public speaking.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
I want to thank each and everyone of you for your support.
It truly means the world to me.
If you have questions or if youwant something covered on the
podcast, just send me a message.
Please visit timnewmanspeakscomto get your free ebook the Top
(00:33):
21 Challenges for PublicSpeakers and how to Overcome
them.
Today's guest is Jenny Townsend.
Jenny is a keynote speaker,podcaster, amazon bestselling
author and thrivingbusinesswoman focused on
inspiring individuals to achievebalance in both their
professional lives and marriage.
Speaker, podcaster, amazonbestselling author and thriving
businesswoman focused oninspiring individuals to achieve
balance in both theirprofessional lives and marriage.
(00:53):
Having experienced andtriumphed over her own marital
challenges, she penned the bookStroke it as a means of
providing support to othersfacing similar struggles.
Jenny is a proud proprietor ofMusic Compound, a renowned music
academy that has garneredaccolades such as Best
Women-Owned Business and SmallBusiness of the Year.
In recognition of heroutstanding achievements, jenny
was honored with theEntrepreneur of the Year Award
(01:14):
in 2019.
Now happily married, jennytakes pleasure in traveling,
savoring delectable cuisine andcherishing quality time spent
with loved ones.
Jenny, welcome to the show.
I'm so excited to have you heretoday.
Jenny (01:26):
I'm so excited to be here with you, Tim.
I'm excited to be here withyour listeners as well.
So cheers to everyone listeningin and tuning in today.
Tim (01:33):
Well, you know, I'm also really happy for you.
I mean, you just got back froma trip to Cancun and you
received an award for the bestmusic school in the country.
Jenny (01:45):
It actually.
So we won best music school ofthe year, which was an
international award.
I didn't even realize it wasinternational until I got to the
conference and there was peoplefrom the UK, australia, new
Zealand, canada and I was like,wow, well, that's pretty cool,
that's news to me.
So I'm super humbled andexcited to share that with our
team as well.
(02:06):
We're in our 10th year ofbusiness, so to be known as the
best music school of the year,and I met a lot of the other
business owners and music schoolowners that were there and that
had applied, so it was a reallyhumbling experience.
Tim (02:17):
That's so exciting and you got to feel good about it.
I mean, first off, you have areally interesting story and
we'll get into it and I love thewhole idea of music school.
But how did that actually comeabout?
Jenny (02:29):
So the short story is I was selling real estate in 2008.
Tim (02:33):
The market crashed.
Jenny (02:34):
I only had an associate's degree and back in those days
you had to actually have abachelor's degree to apply for
most jobs, so no one would hireme without going back to college
to get a actual bachelor'sdegree so I could apply.
And it was in my final semesterwhere you had to develop a
business plan.
Around the same time I waswaiting tables at two
(02:55):
restaurants to try to pay mymortgage because I was in the
process of short selling myhouse because I had lost all my
income, and I was surrounded bymusicians and individuals that
wanted to connect.
They wanted to collaborate,they wanted to jam, and so I
took that idea and I put that onthe docket for the business
plan.
When I got to the financialaspect, I realized they didn't
(03:16):
really have much money and theydid not want to pay for space.
So I went back to a childhoodmemory where I met a young lady
in her late 20s I was about 20,21.
And she was driving a Mercedes,lived on a mansion, had a boat
on a canal, and I said what doyou do?
And she's like I own acheerleading school and I said
(03:38):
one day I'm going to have achild-based business, having no
idea what I was going to bedoing.
Tim (03:42):
Right.
Jenny (03:43):
And so I went back to that memory and then I had an
amazing childhood.
My parents were so supportiveand invested a lot of time,
energy and money and I said,let's go after the parents to
fund the idea for the musicians.
And that's really how MusicCompound came about.
I mean, there's way more to thestory, but that's the gist of
it.
Tim (03:59):
Yeah, obviously, when you have something as big and
successful as that, it's notjust as simple.
As you go and you find abuilding, you open up the door
and people show up.
Obviously it's a lot of hardwork, but your background you've
always been a hustler, you'vealways been an entrepreneur,
(04:29):
you've always been somebody thathas strived to be better and to
get more.
Jenny (04:31):
So I mean it doesn't surprise me how quickly and
successful this has been for you.
Yeah, it's been a hard road.
And I'm not a musician, I don'thave an education degree and I
don't have children, which mostpeople think.
Those are the threerequirements you need to open up
a music school.
So the odds were against me andI heard a lot of no's, but you
know, that kind of just fueledme.
And I knew one day I was goingto turn my dream into reality
and ever since then we've beenturning musical dreams into
(04:52):
reality.
So it's a dream come true forall of us and the fact that we
get to impact people and we'reteaching music.
But we're really focusing on alot of life skills and
development and it just is.
I'm just really passionateabout it.
I love what I do.
Tim (05:09):
Well, jenny, you kind of really walked right into that
because you know I watch one ofthe videos and I'm going to
share that real quick for ourlisteners.
What you talk about in thisvideo is, you know, things that
we look at for in terms ofcommunication.
You know the whole idea ofcommunity building confidence,
stage presence, commanding theroom.
So let me just play this andlet's talk about it for a second
(05:32):
.
Jenny (05:33):
First is community.
Everyone loves the community atMusic Compound.
Two is boosting your lifeskills, whether it's confidence,
stage presence, commanding aroom.
Three is going to betransformational stories.
So many individuals walk insuper shy, afraid of the stage,
and within three to four monthsthey're rocking that performance
.
They are launching theirYouTube, launching their music
(05:56):
career.
It's unbelievable.
Four is going to be theperformance opportunities that
Music Compound provides, on-siteand off-site, within our
community.
And fifth is developing apassion for practicing.
We all know that we don't wantto practice, but with our
teachers, the way that theyinspire you and educate you, you
are going to be going homewanting to play the instrument.
Tim (06:17):
So, you know, for me, I mean you hit on all the things
that we really talk about interms of communication.
That last piece of practice,that's what really kind of you
know, locked me into this.
Jenny (06:34):
Yeah, it's.
You know, I come from abackground of team sports.
My parents were entrepreneursand I also did 4-H, so I learned
so many skills through thoseactivities that really set me up
for success.
I mean, I've never met astranger before.
If somebody needs somebody onstage, or they need a
performance, or you've got tofill in, or you've got to delay,
I can jump right in and I'mvery quick with my feet.
(06:57):
I'm quick with my words.
A lot of that comes from myupbringing as well.
I wasn't a straight-A student,I was a C student, but I was
able to see my way to the verytop and a lot of different
avenues and ways from theupbringing and then since then.
So I mean we sell musicmemberships but we're offering a
transformation for anybody atany age, and we have a lot of
(07:20):
adults as well.
So a lot of confidence iscreated and that's really what
parents love about ourorganization.
If they have confidence withinour studio, they're going to
have confidence when they gointo school or when they're in
uncomfortable situations, andthat's a life skill that can
take you to the top of thecompany.
I mean it can take you to theCEO position in the C-suite.
Tim (07:41):
Right, absolutely.
And you know, especially theyounger kids, they're learning
that now, so that's somethingthat will carry through with
them when they become teenagers,going to high school, going
into college, where you know alot of you know especially
younger people today they don'thave that, they're not building
that confidence, they're notfiguring out who they are which
(08:02):
we're going to really get intohere in a minute but you know,
the idea that they're gainingthat at such a young age is
going to propel them muchfurther than their peers 100%.
So your book Stroke.
I'd love to me the book.
It's a how to live your life.
(08:23):
It's a how to you know buildrelationships.
It's a how to you know acrossthe board, and it's a year old
and we know the before.
How has it changed your lifesince it came out?
Jenny (08:39):
Right.
So my complete, all my life hasbeen transformed since, let's
just say, the discovery in 2018.
And for those that don't know,it might discovered my husband
had an affair with a coworkerthat I had predicted for several
years, and everything came tofruition in February of 2018.
(09:02):
And at that point, I thought Iwas going to have to sell my
company or give up my marriage,and one had to go.
I could not have both of them,and what I also realized is that
I didn't even know who I was.
My identity was completelybased on my music school.
Everybody just knew me as Jennyfrom Music Compound.
They didn't know me foranything else, and I didn't even
(09:23):
really know myself.
I didn't have any hobbies, Ididn't relax, I never spent time
with family and I was just.
I basically isolated myself.
So there has been a lot oftransformation.
I can speak from the personalside of it or I can speak from
the business side of it.
I don't know which one youwould like me to talk about
first.
Tim (09:42):
Whichever, I'd like to hear about both.
So whichever first, becauseisn't that really the issue?
Because we're not just one,we're actually multiple of
things, right, we're ourprofessional lives, we're our
personal lives, we're ourhusband or wife, we're our
parents, we're friends.
There's multiple versions of us.
Jenny (10:03):
Yeah, 100%.
So I'll go into theprofessional, because that's a
shorter story.
So, speaking of confidence aswell, I hired people and I had
confidence in people, but, as aleader, I wasn't ready to
release control, wanted tomicromanage, I always wanted to
have an opinion, and when thisdiscovery happened in February
(10:24):
2018, it literally pulled me outof my business instantly, and I
had to trust the people that Ihad hired, and I had to have
confidence in them that theywere going to be able to lead
the company and deal witheverything without me, and that
is really, really scary,especially an entrepreneur, a
business owner, I mean.
I'm sure many people can relateto that, and it was something I
(10:45):
had to do.
So I walked out of my businessin February and I left it in the
hands of someone I hiredJanuary 4th and someone that I
had hired in October who was 18.
And the two of them tookownership of their roles, and
they took the company from redto black, from old school to new
school.
The biggest change, though, wasthat they became confident in
(11:07):
themselves and their roles, andthat boost of confidence is what
they both needed to be able totake control of their own lives,
their own finances their ownroles at the company and really
take over the entire company andthe team, and I'm so proud of
them.
I'm so grateful.
The team, and I'm so proud ofthem.
I'm so grateful If my personallife didn't fall to crap, I
(11:27):
wouldn't have been jerked offthat roller coaster or that
hamster wheel as fast as I wouldand I maybe would not have been
able to have those team members, because I would have prevented
them from leaning in and fromgrowing themselves, much less
the company.
So you know, there's always asilver lining.
I always love to say wherethere's an obstacle there's an
opportunity.
And for the company, that wasthe beginning of greatness.
(11:51):
The company soared as far asgrowth, which then allowed me to
take a paycheck so that if Idid end up divorced then I would
have been able to supportmyself, because prior to that I
wasn't on payroll.
So that's one way thattransformed.
I now have work-life balance.
I don't have to be at thecompany.
I worked myself at a job.
We have systems.
There are so many benefits towhat happened in the
(12:13):
transformation.
So that's like the personalside or the professional side,
the professional side.
Tim (12:19):
So you know it's as we.
Let's go back.
As you were younger, growing upand being the go-getter, being
the entrepreneur, you only knewone way how to do it, and that's
the way that we end up doingthings, and sometimes it does
(12:41):
take a traumatic event to get usto wake up, and I think what
people truly need to understandis that part of this.
Like you said, you didn't knowwho you were.
I think most young people I'dsay most people today spend very
(13:01):
little time thinking about whothey are.
You know thinking about whothey are.
You know thinking about who,who they are as an individual,
what their values are, what theylike, what they don't like, how
they react to differentstressors.
You know all those things thatcome into to being a
well-rounded individual.
We don't think about it, we,because we get up, we do what we
always do.
We go to work, we come home andgo to sleep and then do it all
(13:25):
over again.
Jenny (13:26):
Yeah, I definitely was a workhorse.
I definitely was a force.
I was always referred to aslike a bulldog.
I was definitely very much intomy masculine energy and so much
of me changed personallythrough the process.
So once I was able to jump outof the company and go back home
(13:47):
and really think about did Iwant to be married?
Did I want to be with myhusband?
Who did I want to be personally, who did I want to be in the
future and who did I want toshare my life with?
I started asking myself allthese questions and in this
moment, when you discover thatthe love of your life, the
person that you married and youshare a home with and you've
invested all this stuff in, hasbetrayed you, at that moment you
(14:07):
don't really feel like you cantrust or you'll be able to move
forward.
And a lot of times people arevery quick to take action let's
get divorced and they're readyto throw in the towel.
And I could have very easilydone that.
But I decided to pause and takea moment and really evaluate
the entire relationship.
How did I contribute?
(14:28):
How did I show up as a wife?
Was I a good friend?
Was I loving?
Was I caring, did my husbandknow that he mattered to me and
he had to ask himself a seriesof questions as well.
So there was a lot ofself-discovery, self-reflection
through a time period.
Now we did separate, we movedout, we shared the house One
(14:51):
person would live there one week, another person would live
there another week.
We divided our savings account.
We listed our house for sale.
We did a lot of things so thatwe could just split the assets.
Fortunately, we didn't havechildren to have to worry about,
so we were really only able tofocus on ourselves and it wasn't
about pointing fingers at theother person.
(15:13):
It was more about turning thefingers back at ourselves.
And I think through thatprocess we both matured and we
were able to see how wecontributed positively and
negatively and how we got there.
It's not like my husband justwoke up one day and said I'm
going to go cheat on my wife,and it's not like I started my
company saying I'm going tostart my company and I'm not
(15:34):
going to be married in a coupleof years.
We didn't set out for thatfuture.
Unfortunately, that's just whathappened.
But during that time we didtherapy on our own, we did
counseling together.
I attended sound bath classes,women dancing classes, crystal
(15:54):
healing classes.
I also became very sick and Istarted going to see infectious
disease doctors and a bunch ofother doctors to find out why
was I so sick.
And around that time I sawacupuncturist and she said let's
heal your mind, then we canheal your heart and then we'll
be able to heal your body.
(16:15):
And that's really what helpedme become the woman I am today,
and through journaling andthrough acupuncture and through
forgiveness and a lot of otherthings that I was doing, I was
able to find forgiveness formyself woman I am today, and
through journaling and throughacupuncture and through
forgiveness and a lot of otherthings that I was doing, I was
able to find forgiveness formyself at the end of 2019,
because there was a lot of blameand shame and then that's when
(16:36):
the recovery of the marriagestarted to happen.
Tim (16:39):
Yeah, I guess you know I've never had to deal with that.
So I mean I can't, you know, Ican't imagine what you're going
through and the whole idea.
What was it that made you to,or caused you to, step back and
not just react?
Because, at least for me, I'msomebody who, if there's a
(17:01):
crisis, I'm very good in acrisis, so calm, cool, collected
, think about options, and youknow I don't I very rarely make
a snap decision, so what callsyou to actually take a step back
and to not make rash decisions?
Jenny (17:19):
So well.
First and foremost, my parentsnot only divorced once, they
divorced twice, and so Iactually lived through this with
my parents.
I was in sixth grade the firsttime that my mom had an affair
and she moved out.
That was very depressing, sadand it was very hard on us kids.
(17:40):
I actually came home fromschool and I arrived at home
around 3.30 and my entire housewas completely empty.
My mom had taken all thefurniture while my dad was at
work and us kids were at school,and I found my dad in a rocking
chair and it was the first timeI saw my father cry Very, very
sad moment.
It still hurts me today.
And that was the first time.
(18:02):
And then my mom came back myfreshman year, and then my mom
did the same thing my senioryear, and then she moved out and
I saw the hurt and the painthat it caused my father and my
family.
But what I also realized isthat my dad held on to that hate
and anger for most of his life.
And when I called my father andI said, hey, this is what I'm
(18:26):
going through, the first thingmy father said to me was do not
let the anger take over.
Once the anger takes over,you're never going to get past
it and that was a reality checkfor myself.
I literally took a moment againand I said do I want to be like
my father, who hated my mother?
Couldn't be in the same place,made our lives hell.
(18:48):
Like my parents at our weddingswas the most intense thing.
That was the only time myparents could be in the same
room together and we had toworry about it.
And I saw all the things myfather missed out on because he
didn't want to be in the sameplace as my mother, who was very
active, and we all forgave herand we all love her.
So I just looked at the lifethat he had had and I said I
don't want to be that person.
(19:10):
I need to find a way to forgivemyself and forgive my husband.
Whether I stay together,whether we make this work or we
don't, I never wanted to have aregret.
I do believe that my parents,if they were able to find
forgiveness for themselves andwork through it, they would have
an amazing marriage today andmy siblings would not have
suffered and had drug problemsand other issues if my parents
(19:33):
were able to make it work.
So that was really the reason Iwanted to change the course of
the future and I trulyremembered the man I married.
And I truly remembered the manI married and he is a good man,
and not that I want to give hima hall pass, but I was able to
remember the quality, thequalities, why I fell in love
(19:53):
with him and all of the goodtraits about him.
I didn't really focus on thebad.
I really found it in me to findthe goodness in him.
And I guess just part of theprocess and that's what I want
to encourage everyone to,because I feel like there's so
many times where people justpoint the fingers and think it's
easier to throw in the towel.
But my husband and I willcelebrate 12 years of marriage
(20:15):
in May.
And our marriage is the bestit's ever been.
Our marriage is better thanmost marriages.
We have more love, moreintimacy, more connection.
I mean all the respect and thetrust that we have.
We get a second chance athaving a relationship together
(20:36):
and sometimes you don't realizewhat you have until you lose it
yes and as much as the.
The.
We went through so much painand heartache and wish we didn't
have to go through it.
We did, but we're grateful thatwe did.
If there's one thing that Iwould encourage anyone that's
listening is if you are feelingdefeated, alone, isolated, not
(20:57):
loved, not feeling worthy,please share that with your
spouse.
My husband was afraid to sharehis feelings, and most men are,
and they're very needy.
They're so needy so I wouldencourage you to have those
really tough conversations.
I believe if my husband wouldhave came to me and said this is
how I'm feeling and this iswhat I need from you and this is
(21:17):
how I'm feeling about somebodyelse, I would have made actions,
I would have changed things, Iwould have created the balance.
I would have came home, I wouldhave made a commitment to my
marriage if I knew my marriagewas on the line.
And another thing I wouldencourage people is to
understand their love language.
My husband's love language isquality time.
(21:37):
I felt being on the couch andin the same house was quality
time.
I thought making him come toevents with me was quality time,
and it wasn't.
There was no conversation, Iwasn't present and I wasn't
focused on him, and so I thinkthose are two important things
that we both learned through therecovery process to rebuild the
marriage.
Tim (21:57):
Yeah, and that's great advice.
And coming back to, for you tobe able to do that, you have to
know who you are, and he had tofigure out who he was to be able
to come back and be able tocome back together there,
because if it's just you or ifit's just him, then it's never
going to work.
Jenny (22:16):
Yeah, and I would say I stayed true to who I am.
I am a very strong, independentwoman that loves others, I love
to give and I have a lot ofstrengths and I attract a lot of
people to me.
I think at times that was toomuch for my husband, and my dad
(22:39):
even said to him when he askedfor my hand in marriage are you
going to be able to keep up withher?
Because I am a lot.
So I am still that person.
I just now have my prioritiesin line and I know what I need
to be successful at home and inmy marriage for myself and then
(23:00):
for my company right and beforeit was my company, it was my
life, my love, my passion, myeverything, nothing and nobody
else mattered.
Tim (23:11):
So how do you take that and what strategies do you use to
empower others to be able tocommunicate those types of
things to you, whether it's youremployees, whether it's your
husband, whether it's yourfriends, family, et cetera?
Jenny (23:27):
Yeah.
So I mean that brings us to thewhole stroke it concept.
So the book was inspired by, uh, the affair.
And when we were in counselinghe said, oh well, she made me
feel good, she listened to me,she was present, she made me
feel like a man and all thethings.
And I was like, oh so shestroked you emotionally,
mentally and physically, and sothat's really where the title
(23:49):
came from.
And then I started diving intothat and you know how was I
stroking myself?
Was I telling myself I wasbeautiful?
Did I say you're a badass,you've got this.
Was I pumping myself up?
No, I wasn't.
Was I doing that for my husband?
I wasn't.
And then I started looking atmy employees.
I mean, I was working for free,expecting them to work for free
(24:12):
, or expecting them to work ashard as I was, and I was like,
oh, this is why I'm having somany challenges at work with my
team.
So the whole stroke of conceptreally just blossomed and
essentially it's just ways youcan approach someone to make
them feel loved, validated,appreciated, heard so many times
(24:33):
.
We don't feel that and that'swhy our relationships are not
strong, that's why people don'trespect us, people don't want to
be with us, and so my bookreally covers all the
stakeholders in your life and Isay stakeholders because I come
from the business background,but the stakeholders are the
most important people withinyour life.
So, you, your spouse, youremployees, your employer, your
(24:56):
parents, your family members,your friends, and then, of
course, because most people wantto have fun with the name and I
do too there is a chapter foryour pleasure, and so, as my
mentor says, it's a great bookfrom anywhere from the boardroom
to the bedroom.
And so there's a lot of greattools and tactics in there, and
especially for businessprofessionals, about retaining
(25:17):
employees, and you know,understanding their love
languages.
So, like one example, do youwant me to give you an example?
Tim (25:24):
Yeah, yeah, please.
Jenny (25:25):
So I had two managers the two managers that I had when I
had to step out of my work.
They had two different lovelanguages, one was quality time
and one was gifts, and I couldtake a $20 bill and one would
want me to take them and takethem out to lunch, and one would
want the $20 bill because theywanted to use that for something
(25:46):
else, and just understandingthose two little things makes a
huge difference as far as ourrelationship, and so, once again
, these are just some of thethings that are in the book that
can really help anyone, enhanceany relationship, and I truly
believe that most relationshipscan be healed and can be
reconciled.
(26:06):
But we have to be willing totake ownership, have
conversation, trust be,vulnerable and accept, and I
think sometimes it's hard toaccept the facts or the apology
or the story.
Tim (26:19):
Yeah, speaking of the two managers in there, I love the
story about Taco Tuesdays howyou could just go ahead and, for
almost no money, bring tacos onTuesday and everybody loves it.
But that's it.
It's more than the tacos.
It's the them feeling valued,or you showing them that, their
value, that that you've heardwhat they've said and that you
(26:42):
know you're you're, you're.
Jenny (26:44):
You appreciate them for, for who they are and you know
it's, it's all our tacos, I mean, it's like 25 bucks and what.
The conversations and theconnection that happens at the
table at work is so refreshingand so cool, versus it being
about a meeting about thecompany of what's not going
right or what do we need toimprove on.
So when you come to themeetings to talk about the
(27:06):
business, there's also thatsense of like oh, we have these
kind of meetings on a regularbasis, and a lot of times
they're positive too.
So I highly recommend doingthat, and there's a lot of other
things that we do as well tomake sure that we're encouraging
our staff.
I will say, though, last year,when I was really busy working
on my book and my podcastsimultaneously, we were in the
(27:28):
process of doing a majorexpansion of a 10,000 square
feet facility, and instead oftaking a loan, I decided to fund
that $200,000 straight out ofmy savings account, which caused
me to be really stressful.
Tim (27:39):
A little bit.
I just took a deep breath justto thought, oh boy, here we go.
Jenny (27:44):
So the type of leader that I was last year was I was
exhausted, I was depleted, I wassuper stressed and then it was
like I was on the high of doingthe book, but then I was on like
, oh my gosh, all this andemotionally I was just depleted
and the business wasn't growingas much as it had in the past
and I just felt like peopleweren't actually working as
(28:05):
smart as before.
They came very justla-di-da-da-da and so there was
a lot of components and itcaused a lot of friction with
the team.
So much so I had two differentteam members at different times
come to me, they go.
You're not stroking us anymore,what do you want us to do?
And I was like, oh, there yougo.
But at the same time, that'swhere I always go back and I
(28:25):
don't want to say but, but I dobelieve that there needs to be
honest stroking.
I'm not here to manipulate, I'mnot here to say you're doing a
good job so that you work harderor work more hours.
It's only honest stroking whichcan be a challenge for the
recipients that were so used tobeing stroked or so used to
being taken care of.
So there's the flip side of youknow what are they doing?
Tim (28:48):
You also empowered them to come to you with what they were
thinking they weren't.
They didn't just walk, justwalk away and hide it and call
your names and leave.
Jenny (28:58):
Right, yeah, there's always a lot of conversation,
lots of conversation.
But I will say too, I didbecome very close with my team
members and when I had to stepback into the business to fix
the financials and because ofthe expansion, everything, and
because we weren't growing, Ihad to come back as a different
(29:21):
leader.
And that's really challengingtoo.
When they're used to hangingout with you, having lunch with
you, you're bringing themcoffees and you're having fun
and everything's just like fistpumps and cool, and you're
having fun and everything's justlike fist pumps and cool.
When you have to come back inas a different leader, that's
really hard.
And we actually went through atransition phase with some of
our team members and people thathave been with me for six-plus
(29:42):
years, but everyone served thepurpose and where the company
was going.
They weren't aligned with that,so unfortunately, they had to
go.
Tim (29:51):
They had to go right, and that's part business, it's part
of life, it is what it is.
Jenny (29:59):
But I will say, as far as those individuals too, I think
of obstacles as opportunities.
So similar to when the realestate market crashed and no one
would hire me.
I ended up creating a businessthat I didn't launch it.
I started in 2009 with the plan, but I didn't launch it until
2016.
And then, when COVID happened,there was so much innovation and
(30:21):
people were like finally got todo everything that they wanted
to do that they couldn't dobefore.
And same thing with this couplethat had to leave in January.
They had been wanting to leavefor six months.
They just needed someone topush them off the ledge and push
them into discovering who theywere and take their lives to the
next level, and I truly thinkthey're going to be super
(30:42):
successful.
They don't see that now, butthey will in the future, and so
sometimes I think, if you aregoing through whether it's an
affair or whether you're gettingfired look at the obstacle as
an opportunity to look within,to grow and to transform your
life, because sometimes it's notabout them.
It's more about you and whatyou can do.
Tim (31:01):
Right, right.
You know, reading through yourbook, the Friends chapter really
kind of resonated with me on anumber of different levels.
You talked about how you had afriend who snapped at you and
(31:27):
said, do you ever stop talkingabout work?
And how you took that and youcut her out.
And I've been there, yeah, didyou ever reach back out to that
person?
Jenny (31:43):
Yeah, ironically enough.
So that's my friend, nicole,and we had been actually best
friends since fifth grade andthis happened probably like six
years ago, so we've got afriendship over 30 years.
And she said that to me.
And what I later realizedduring the self-reflection is I
(32:06):
was always talking.
Every conversation was about me.
Every conversation waseverything I was doing, the
changes I was making, the impactI was making, the people I was
meeting.
And that's really one of thethings that I learned through
this whole process is, otherpeople have a story to share,
all the things happening.
So in that moment of reflection,I had to look within and say
(32:42):
shut up and allow others.
And so later, you know, her andI, we ended up talking and I
did say to her you know, hey, Iunderstand where you're coming
from.
It took me a really long timeto understand that.
And same thing with my husband.
You know, I was always talkingabout the company and he never
had a voice.
He never was able to speak.
I was always talking about thecompany and he never had a voice
.
He never was able to speak.
Now, all he does is talk.
So I was not allowing others tobe part of the conversation,
(33:05):
and so her and I yes, we werefriends again.
And then I had told her aboutmy book launch party several
times and she didn't put it onher calendar and she happened to
be working at the place that mybook launch party was at.
She's like, but I wasn't thereand I was like you didn't put it
on your calendar and so,anyways, we had a big blowout
again at the age of 43, um, andthen we just made up again.
(33:30):
So but you know, I think that'sfriendships, especially when
you're friends for like 30something years.
You're going to have these tips, but you can make amends and
still work through it, but youhave to talk about it and you
have to forgive.
Tim (33:43):
And that's the other piece that I think younger people need
to understand.
Friendships are like marriagesit's not always going to be
sunshine and roses it's.
It's.
Jenny (33:55):
There's going to be disagreements, there's going to
be tough times and and you know,if you value these people in
your life, you, you work throughthem and sometimes they, the
friendship, has run its course,and that's okay too has run its
course, and that's okay too,yeah, I think relationships
(34:16):
require a lot of TLC and a lotof communication, and I think
sometimes we're afraid to shareour feelings or how we feel or
confront that person, becausemaybe we don't want to have
conflict and it's easier just toshut down, be nice, don't say
anything mean and move on.
And I think it's important thatyou talk about whatever is
bothering you so that things canget resolved and you can move
(34:38):
on.
And I do believe that peopleare in your life for a season
and for a reason, and they arethere to disrupt and remind you
as well of what's important andwhat's not.
And I I mean like going back toour story.
I mean that person was a verylarge disruptor in our life, but
(34:59):
it allowed us to see whatreally cared and what we loved
and what was at stake, and itwas a really great reminder as
well.
Tim (35:06):
Yeah, you know, and on top of that, I like how you talk
about how, especially as we getolder, how much different
friendships are for for men andwomen, uh, how they evolve, how
they're built.
And you know, I, I think youfor for men, I think you nailed
it, I really do it, you know.
(35:27):
Um, it's, it's much harder forus.
It's, and I think I think it'smuch harder for us because, and
I think it's much harder for usbecause of the way we've been
brought up and what society sayswe should be and what society
says we should do, and so that'swhat we do.
You know, I watch my twodaughters.
(35:48):
I grew up with three brothers.
I didn't have women in my lifeuntil, obviously, my mom, who's
a saint.
Then I got married and had twodaughters, so I didn't really
(36:11):
have women in my life until thatpoint.
And watching them it's so muchharder for them, I think, when
they're younger, butfriendship-wise it gets easier
as they get older.
And for guys it's the exactopposite.
And you know, for me there's avideo out there by I think his
name is Ryan Stevens, and hetalks about how you need to have
guys, need to have five friends, five different friends.
They're the ride or die,they're the spiritual, the
confidant, the hospitable andthe hitman.
Hitman and um, if you don'thave those five, then you're not
(36:40):
, you're not actively livinglife, you're not actively
building relationships and andto me it's all.
I don't care what business orindustry in, it's always about
relationships, always it is Ithink for men as well.
Jenny (36:51):
I think some of them lack confidence yeah they do.
I think a lot of that comesinto play because there's so
much comparison.
What kind of car you drive?
What does your wife look like?
How many kids Do your kids goto private school?
What country club do you belongto?
Are you good at a hobby.
For example, my husband hereally wants to play golf but
(37:13):
for a long time he wouldn't goplay golf with other men because
he wasn't confident in his golfgame and that was preventing
him from getting out on the golfcourse.
Same thing with tennis.
I was like, let's go playtennis.
He wasn't a strong tennisplayer and I think a lot of that
has to come down withconfidence and the fear of
judgment and this whole like bea man, and it's really really
(37:33):
unfortunate and I really hopesome women out there and men
that are listening really cankey in on that, especially as
they're raising the nextgeneration, to boost their
confidence and really fosterwhat they're passionate about,
so that they can have a hobby,so they can connect with
individuals.
I feel like a lot of myfriendships are based on the
hobbies I've had or thesituations I've been part of and
(37:56):
work or the work that I'm doingor volunteering as well.
So finding people that arelike-minded and share the same
passions and core values isreally hard too if you're
working from home or you'reisolated, which I think a lot of
men are dealing with now menare dealing with now.
Tim (38:15):
Yeah, and so last week I was at a conference and you know
, not being in the classroomanymore, it was so nice to be
able to be around people.
To you know I was.
I did a round table and did akeynote and that's around table.
I said, you know, just sittinghere at a table with with you,
20 people is so much better thansitting on Zoom, having this
conversation, just theinteractions, and it's so much
(38:38):
easier to communicate, it's somuch easier to connect there and
I miss that.
I've always said I hate people,but it's not true.
But I never thought I would saythat I missed being around
people, never thought that Iwould ever say that, and I do.
Jenny (38:56):
Yeah, I think the human connection is super powerful and
I think being with people, youcan feel their energy as well.
I think it's important.
So one of my mentors that wason my podcast you know had made
some suggestions and I thinkrotary clubs are good, Finding a
(39:21):
hobby, like Finding a hobby inyour 20s, and kind of building
that hobby base to where youknow you have people and you can
kind of boost that confidencein the game.
I feel like that's one of thereasons why I've never met a
stranger is because I wasinvolved in so many activities
in my upbringing, whether it waselementary, middle school, high
school or even my 20s where Ican always find a connection
with someone.
Yes, and I think that's what weneed more of and I think men
need that and I think too,sometimes they feel guilty for
(39:45):
going and having a hobby andthey're getting guilted by a
family member because they'regoing and doing that.
I read this wonderful bookcalled Becoming your Spouse's
Better Half and it talks abouthow important it is for men to
have time with men and women tohave time with women.
(40:07):
And that really can change yourrelationship.
And also it reminds you of whatyou have at home.
It's really special, becausewhen people start talking about
their spouses, you're like, ooh,ooh, ooh, my husband does that,
so that can be super powerfultoo.
Tim (40:20):
Yeah yeah, and I, I guess I'm just, I'm just built
different, I don't know um, if Iwant to do something, I just
tell my wife, this one we'regonna do.
It's not like can I, can I?
Can I go hang out with thisperson and and she's the same
way, just go do what you gottado yeah, but you both probably
(40:42):
have friends we, we do, but Imean, I think, but we also do so
much together, right, and it's.
you know, we talked about thiswhen I was on your podcast.
I mean, we literally do prettymuch everything together, and so
(41:02):
when it comes time to by theway, saturday, I'm going over
here it's there's really nodiscussion.
It's not like, well, I haven'tseen you all week, it's not like
I haven't.
You know, we've got thisplanned or whatever.
So I think it's maybe that'swhy we're different, but I've
also never been the person andshe's never been the person that
I've known to to question orwell, can I come?
(41:25):
Well, yeah, you can come if youwant.
I didn't think to ask you, butif you want to, you know what
I'm saying.
It's not like asking permission.
Jenny (41:35):
Right, but I do believe that a lot of that has to do
with your wife being confidentand having her friends and her
lives and her things and youhaving yours as well.
If both people, both parties ofthis relationship, have those
things, it makes it easier forus to say, yeah, go do your
thing.
Tim (41:53):
Right.
Jenny (41:53):
If you have a relationship where one person is
always active, going out, hasthe social lives, has the
hobbies and the other onedoesn't?
That's where the conflict comesin.
Yeah, and that's kind of wheremy husband and I struggle at
times too is because he has somefriends I don't think he has
five, but maybe four but theyall have children and so and we
(42:13):
don't have children, so there'sthe disconnect there where the
guys are always busy taking careof the kids or if they're
hanging out, the kids are all soum.
I think that's where some of theconflict comes as well.
Or there's resentment because,like my in-laws, my
father-in-law had a lot offriends.
My mother-in-law didn't.
She just stayed home.
So he would want to go and bewith his friends and she would
(42:35):
be like, well, go hang out withyour boyfriend, or you want to
go do this.
And she was just angry and meanand resentful to him.
And at that moment we would say, hey, why don't you call some
of your friends and schedulelunch at the same time?
That way you're not feelinglonely or isolated, and if you
are depressed or you're notconfident or you don't feel like
(42:56):
you have people to call, that'swhen I think the judgment and
the shame comes into play.
So if there are listeners outthere that can relate to this, I
would say don't wait forsomeone to call you.
Make the phone call.
Your friend may be waiting foryou to call them.
They may be needing to get outof the house in a reason and
they may be, hey, thinking aboutyou.
You don't even have to expect areply, but at least that person
(43:29):
knows that when they need youor they have time to hang out,
that you're available to be withthem.
Tim (43:35):
Exactly, and it's again, I think it goes back to what
trying to conform to whatsociety has told us what it
should be, and and not not trulythinking it through that that
that just doesn't work,especially with how busy we are
(43:56):
today.
Right, I mean it's.
It's.
I go back to when I was a kidand I was very active, like you
were, in sports and other things, and I was very active, like
you were, in sports and otherthings, but my mom didn't work
until I was, you know, probablymiddle school, right, and so she
(44:18):
was just always there, but she,but I, she, she had her, her
ceramic classes, I think, onTuesday and Thursday nights and
she just went and did thosethings.
And now, with where it's beenso common to have two-income
households and we've just becomeso busy, I think that's kind of
where we're at.
Jenny (44:39):
Yeah, and I think when that happens too, it's about
prioritizing your time to whereyou can create time for yourself
, for others, but then also foryour partner, because those are
three different things that youneed.
You need time with friends andhobbies, you need time for
yourself to just chill and doyour reflection and process your
days and your emotions, and youneed to be with your partner
(45:02):
and be present to where you canhave intimacy, you can have
conversation, you can haveconnection as well.
And I mean, we're all busy,we're all exhausted, but we only
get one life and that lifeshould be fulfilled and it
should be happy and it should befilled with love, and it should
be with people that yougenuinely care about and that
(45:23):
genuinely care about you.
Tim (45:24):
Yeah, and so how did you kind of figure out the work-life
balance?
Because even when you're goingthrough the trauma that you went
through and I'm kind ofthinking about it myself from
how I operate I mean, I could beat work all day, every day, get
(45:47):
up at six, be here tillmidnight, go home, go to sleep
and come back and do it all overagain.
But you know, at one point, youknow when this was before I
moved to Atlanta, when I wasteaching, we lived literally
right around the block fromwhere my office was and there
would be times my wife wouldcome over to my office at 10
(46:11):
o'clock and there would be work,be working with students on
projects.
She would say, okay, you allneed to let him go home.
And and finally, you know, atone point she said you cannot
continue to do this all the time.
And she was right.
I ended up getting had somehealth issues, primarily because
(46:33):
I was really nonstop.
My schedule was get up at 4.30,go to the gym, go teach, go to
the gym for lunch, work tillmidnight.
Jenny (46:46):
Wow, are you happy?
Tim (46:50):
I'm much happier now than I was then.
Jenny (46:53):
Yeah, but it sounds like some adjusting could be in the
future.
So for me I had to become verystructured with my time and my
energy.
So I actually printed out aweekly schedule with the times
and everything and I starteddoing block scheduling.
So from six o'clock in themorning until 8 pm I had
(47:14):
literally a schedule.
So my alarm would go off at sixand I had on my calendar, on a
piece of paper and on my phonesnuggle time, because once again
my husband was about qualitytime and personal touch.
So I had to snuggle and strokehim in the morning before I got
out of bed because I would justget out of bed and he'd wake up
alone.
So I would do that, and then Iwould do me.
(47:35):
So I would go work out, I wouldgo play tennis, I would journal
, I would go for a walk and Iwould do me so that I was in the
right mindset and I was able tobe happy and able to give
myself to other people.
And then I developed my workday and then at 4 o'clock I was
done working.
Now I could come home.
I could then journal, I couldwork on a passion project, I
(47:57):
could do hobbies, but then I wasready to rock and roll with my
husband at the time he got offwork at 5.30.
And then I would spend timewith him in dedicated time where
I'd be completely present.
So I basically split my time upin thirds.
So I would do me in the morningwork and then my husband at
night, or vice versa.
(48:17):
And then I also had to commit toonly going out with friends or
at events three nights a week,because I would be out like six
and seven days a week.
So I had to be home.
You know four days, right.
And then I had to make sure Icommunicated what days I was
going to be home so that I couldbe having dinner with my
husband.
Or if I wasn't going to be homethose are the nights then he
(48:40):
would go and hang out with hisfamily or he would make plans
with his friends so that hewasn't home missing me.
He was then having connectionwith other people or working on
whatever he wanted.
So I feel like because I createdsuch a structure of my schedule
and once again it was on myrefrigerator, on a piece of
paper for me to see everymorning, and that I literally
(49:00):
had it in my phone so that Icould stay focused and because I
created that balance, Iliterally took my like 60 hour
work week to probably 20 hours aweek, and so weeks I only ended
up working 15 because I was sofocused and so efficient with my
time, and then I would haveoffice hours and then I would
have work at home hours so thatI had dedicated time for certain
(49:21):
projects.
Tim (49:23):
Was that a difficult adjustment?
Because I can feel the hair onmy back, you know, standing up
already.
Just the thought of that, Imean because, especially if
somebody in your position andwhat you do, I mean I can see
you having to go to events sevendays a week and now you've got
to pick and choose.
Now, as much as I'd like to bethere, I'm committed to doing
(49:45):
this.
Was that a difficult adjustment?
Jenny (49:47):
So it was.
I used to suffer from FOMO andnow I don't, and now it's like
you know what, I don't need tobe everywhere, I don't need to
be seen.
A lot of that was my ego, and Iwas seeing the same people at
the same places and at the endof the day, I was trying to
phase myself out of being theface of the company.
So then I started investing andenlisting the team members and
(50:08):
giving them those opportunitiesso people could start building
trust with them.
So that they could start workingon the relationships and the
partnerships needed to grow thecompany.
The less people needed me, themore time I got to myself and I
also just identified my valueand the more I fueled myself,
the more energy I had for othersand I was able to be really
(50:30):
creative.
I was able to be reallyinnovative.
I found time to rest andrecharge, I found time to travel
, I had time to spend withfamily, and that's really what
mattered and that's why I wasworking so hard and so leaning
into my why really dictates myschedule and I will say I work
(50:50):
right now.
I'm kind of in the grind alittle bit right now because I'm
going away for a month and I'llbe going away, but I'm going to
do like eight weeks vacationthis year, so but I'm able to do
that because I have outsourcedall the things that don't serve
me, that I don't like doing andthat are below my pay grade, and
I would encourage you to do thesame.
Tim (51:11):
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
It's it's the word you said wasego, and that's it.
That's that's.
Ego is a powerful thing,whether people realize it or not
, and and everybody has it.
That's that's.
Ego is a powerful thing,whether people realize it or not
, and and everybody has it.
And it comes out for everybody,in, in, in different ways and
(51:35):
at different times, and um.
Jenny (51:38):
And I think too, if you're humble like the whole
journey that I went throughreally made me humble- and
really appreciative Um, and thathelps with transformation and
it helps with managing the ego.
Tim (51:49):
Yeah, Getting that thing in check is at least for me.
When it pops up, it never turnsout good.
Just keep that ego.
Jenny (52:03):
But there is a sense where you need an ego you need
an ego to get on stage and speak, especially with confidence,
and you need an ego to do someof the work that you do, and so
it's about finding a reallygreat balance to where the ego
serves you and it serves othersand it doesn't dictate how you
(52:23):
act.
Tim (52:26):
Yeah, and, and that's I guess.
I guess that's the real thing.
And you know, you, you, you saythose things.
You need to get up on stage andyou do.
But I don't think of it likethat.
I, when I hear when, when myego comes out to me, it's always
a negative, I mean it's always.
(52:46):
And maybe that's where thediscussion in my head has to
change.
Jenny (52:55):
Yeah, I think that's your masculine energy escalated.
Tim (53:00):
A lot of that.
Jenny (53:01):
And then it's also probably something else from
your past.
Oh, it's definitely from a past, yeah that maybe you haven't
dealt with or that is stillliving within you or that you
haven't moved on from.
So it usually comes from painand hurt.
Tim (53:19):
Well, my inner talk is you're not the boss of me.
That's what it is.
You're not the boss of me.
Jenny (53:28):
Did someone used to say that to you as a child?
Like someone trying to boss youaround a lot as a child.
Tim (53:34):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not the boss of me,
I'll show you.
Jenny (53:39):
Okay.
Tim (53:40):
Yeah, and I'm 57 now and I'm pretty good, but there are
times when that and it doesn'ttake much and it and it comes
out.
But Maybe, dive into that yeah.
Jenny (53:58):
I would dive into that because I'm sure there's like a
pain point of someone like, forinstance, my girlfriend, her son
is disabled.
Of someone like, for instance,my girlfriend, her son is
disabled and he was a twin andhe was born without a kidney and
they didn't actually think hewas going to live.
So he has had transfusionsurgeries, I mean all the things
, but she's constantly having totell him what to do, like
constantly go to the bathroom,change your catheter.
(54:19):
This is what you have to eat.
You had to go to speech there.
He has constantly been toldwhat he has to do, every step,
every day, every minute, everyhour, to where now he's just
lashing out because he doesn'twant to be told what to do
anymore.
Right, and so not that.
That's how your childhood was,but I think sometimes something
happens where we don't havecontrol, and that's where we had
(54:41):
those memories.
Tim (54:42):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I definitely would not compare
myself to him in any way, shape,matter or form, but that's a
different story.
But, Jenny, thank you so muchfor spending some time with us.
Where can people find you, workwith you and get your book?
Jenny (55:03):
Yeah.
So I want to encourage everyoneto get my book, the Stroke it
Guide.
It has tons of resources.
It'll lead you to my podcast.
It'll be a great way for you toconnect with me.
You can get that on Amazontomorrow, directly shipped to
your house, or, if you wouldlike to get a signed copy with
some gifts, I'm happy topersonalize that for you and
mail that out, and you can getthat through my website.
(55:24):
It's going to be my first name,last name, first name, little
name and last name, which isJenny Allday, with 1LTownsendcom
, and I'm on all the socialplatforms and I have a podcast
as well, called the Stroke itGuide.
So if you're not ready to buythe book, that's a great place
to get started to connect withme and my listeners.
Tim was a guest on my podcastas well.
My podcast features CEOs,coaches, mentors, divorce
(55:48):
attorneys, divorce coaches,dating individuals, so there's a
wide variety for personal andprofessional development and I
would just love to leave youwith that to choose.
You take ownership of your life, what you need, what you want,
and share that with the peopleyou love.
Tim (56:04):
That's a good way to end it and just by the book, it's well
worth what you're paying for it.
To me, again, it's a how-to,it's a how to have relationships
and what you should do.
And, jenny, I could talk to youfor hours.
I mean, I think what you'redoing is awesome.
(56:25):
I love what you should do.
And, jenny, I could talk to youfor hours.
I think what you're doing isawesome, I love what you're
doing.
Thank you, it's amazing.
But again, thanks so much forjoining us and we'll talk to you
soon.
Jenny (56:34):
Thank you, tim.
So much Cheers to you all.
Tim (56:38):
Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free e-book Top 21Challenges for Public Speakers
and how to Overcome them.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking course
.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
Welcome to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast dedicated
to helping you unlock the powerof effective public speaking.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
I want to thank each and everyone of you for your support.
It truly means the world to me.
If you have questions or if youwant something covered on the
podcast, just send me a message.
Please visit timnewmanspeakscomto get your free ebook the Top
(00:33):
21 Challenges for PublicSpeakers and how to Overcome
them.
Today's guest is Jenny Townsend.
Jenny is a keynote speaker,podcaster, amazon bestselling
author and thrivingbusinesswoman focused on
inspiring individuals to achievebalance in both their
professional lives and marriage.
Speaker, podcaster, amazonbestselling author and thriving
businesswoman focused oninspiring individuals to achieve
balance in both theirprofessional lives and marriage.
(00:53):
Having experienced andtriumphed over her own marital
challenges, she penned the bookStroke it as a means of
providing support to othersfacing similar struggles.
Jenny is a proud proprietor ofMusic Compound, a renowned music
academy that has garneredaccolades such as Best
Women-Owned Business and SmallBusiness of the Year.
In recognition of heroutstanding achievements, jenny
was honored with theEntrepreneur of the Year Award
(01:14):
in 2019.
Now happily married, jennytakes pleasure in traveling,
savoring delectable cuisine andcherishing quality time spent
with loved ones.
Jenny, welcome to the show.
I'm so excited to have you heretoday.
Jenny (01:26):
I'm so excited to be here with you, Tim.
I'm excited to be here withyour listeners as well.
So cheers to everyone listeningin and tuning in today.
Tim (01:33):
Well, you know, I'm also really happy for you.
I mean, you just got back froma trip to Cancun and you
received an award for the bestmusic school in the country.
Jenny (01:45):
It actually.
So we won best music school ofthe year, which was an
international award.
I didn't even realize it wasinternational until I got to the
conference and there was peoplefrom the UK, australia, new
Zealand, canada and I was like,wow, well, that's pretty cool,
that's news to me.
So I'm super humbled andexcited to share that with our
team as well.
(02:06):
We're in our 10th year ofbusiness, so to be known as the
best music school of the year,and I met a lot of the other
business owners and music schoolowners that were there and that
had applied, so it was a reallyhumbling experience.
Tim (02:17):
That's so exciting and you got to feel good about it.
I mean, first off, you have areally interesting story and
we'll get into it and I love thewhole idea of music school.
But how did that actually comeabout?
Jenny (02:29):
So the short story is I was selling real estate in 2008.
Tim (02:33):
The market crashed.
Jenny (02:34):
I only had an associate's degree and back in those days
you had to actually have abachelor's degree to apply for
most jobs, so no one would hireme without going back to college
to get a actual bachelor'sdegree so I could apply.
And it was in my final semesterwhere you had to develop a
business plan.
Around the same time I waswaiting tables at two
(02:55):
restaurants to try to pay mymortgage because I was in the
process of short selling myhouse because I had lost all my
income, and I was surrounded bymusicians and individuals that
wanted to connect.
They wanted to collaborate,they wanted to jam, and so I
took that idea and I put that onthe docket for the business
plan.
When I got to the financialaspect, I realized they didn't
(03:16):
really have much money and theydid not want to pay for space.
So I went back to a childhoodmemory where I met a young lady
in her late 20s I was about 20,21.
And she was driving a Mercedes,lived on a mansion, had a boat
on a canal, and I said what doyou do?
And she's like I own acheerleading school and I said
(03:38):
one day I'm going to have achild-based business, having no
idea what I was going to bedoing.
Tim (03:42):
Right.
Jenny (03:43):
And so I went back to that memory and then I had an
amazing childhood.
My parents were so supportiveand invested a lot of time,
energy and money and I said,let's go after the parents to
fund the idea for the musicians.
And that's really how MusicCompound came about.
I mean, there's way more to thestory, but that's the gist of
it.
Tim (03:59):
Yeah, obviously, when you have something as big and
successful as that, it's notjust as simple.
As you go and you find abuilding, you open up the door
and people show up.
Obviously it's a lot of hardwork, but your background you've
always been a hustler, you'vealways been an entrepreneur,
(04:29):
you've always been somebody thathas strived to be better and to
get more.
Jenny (04:31):
So I mean it doesn't surprise me how quickly and
successful this has been for you.
Yeah, it's been a hard road.
And I'm not a musician, I don'thave an education degree and I
don't have children, which mostpeople think.
Those are the threerequirements you need to open up
a music school.
So the odds were against me andI heard a lot of no's, but you
know, that kind of just fueledme.
And I knew one day I was goingto turn my dream into reality
and ever since then we've beenturning musical dreams into
(04:52):
reality.
So it's a dream come true forall of us and the fact that we
get to impact people and we'reteaching music.
But we're really focusing on alot of life skills and
development and it just is.
I'm just really passionateabout it.
I love what I do.
Tim (05:09):
Well, jenny, you kind of really walked right into that
because you know I watch one ofthe videos and I'm going to
share that real quick for ourlisteners.
What you talk about in thisvideo is, you know, things that
we look at for in terms ofcommunication.
You know the whole idea ofcommunity building confidence,
stage presence, commanding theroom.
So let me just play this andlet's talk about it for a second
(05:32):
.
Jenny (05:33):
First is community.
Everyone loves the community atMusic Compound.
Two is boosting your lifeskills, whether it's confidence,
stage presence, commanding aroom.
Three is going to betransformational stories.
So many individuals walk insuper shy, afraid of the stage,
and within three to four monthsthey're rocking that performance
.
They are launching theirYouTube, launching their music
(05:56):
career.
It's unbelievable.
Four is going to be theperformance opportunities that
Music Compound provides, on-siteand off-site, within our
community.
And fifth is developing apassion for practicing.
We all know that we don't wantto practice, but with our
teachers, the way that theyinspire you and educate you, you
are going to be going homewanting to play the instrument.
Tim (06:17):
So, you know, for me, I mean you hit on all the things
that we really talk about interms of communication.
That last piece of practice,that's what really kind of you
know, locked me into this.
Jenny (06:34):
Yeah, it's.
You know, I come from abackground of team sports.
My parents were entrepreneursand I also did 4-H, so I learned
so many skills through thoseactivities that really set me up
for success.
I mean, I've never met astranger before.
If somebody needs somebody onstage, or they need a
performance, or you've got tofill in, or you've got to delay,
I can jump right in and I'mvery quick with my feet.
(06:57):
I'm quick with my words.
A lot of that comes from myupbringing as well.
I wasn't a straight-A student,I was a C student, but I was
able to see my way to the verytop and a lot of different
avenues and ways from theupbringing and then since then.
So I mean we sell musicmemberships but we're offering a
transformation for anybody atany age, and we have a lot of
(07:20):
adults as well.
So a lot of confidence iscreated and that's really what
parents love about ourorganization.
If they have confidence withinour studio, they're going to
have confidence when they gointo school or when they're in
uncomfortable situations, andthat's a life skill that can
take you to the top of thecompany.
I mean it can take you to theCEO position in the C-suite.
Tim (07:41):
Right, absolutely.
And you know, especially theyounger kids, they're learning
that now, so that's somethingthat will carry through with
them when they become teenagers,going to high school, going
into college, where you know alot of you know especially
younger people today they don'thave that, they're not building
that confidence, they're notfiguring out who they are which
(08:02):
we're going to really get intohere in a minute but you know,
the idea that they're gainingthat at such a young age is
going to propel them muchfurther than their peers 100%.
So your book Stroke.
I'd love to me the book.
It's a how to live your life.
(08:23):
It's a how to you know buildrelationships.
It's a how to you know acrossthe board, and it's a year old
and we know the before.
How has it changed your lifesince it came out?
Jenny (08:39):
Right.
So my complete, all my life hasbeen transformed since, let's
just say, the discovery in 2018.
And for those that don't know,it might discovered my husband
had an affair with a coworkerthat I had predicted for several
years, and everything came tofruition in February of 2018.
(09:02):
And at that point, I thought Iwas going to have to sell my
company or give up my marriage,and one had to go.
I could not have both of them,and what I also realized is that
I didn't even know who I was.
My identity was completelybased on my music school.
Everybody just knew me as Jennyfrom Music Compound.
They didn't know me foranything else, and I didn't even
(09:23):
really know myself.
I didn't have any hobbies, Ididn't relax, I never spent time
with family and I was just.
I basically isolated myself.
So there has been a lot oftransformation.
I can speak from the personalside of it or I can speak from
the business side of it.
I don't know which one youwould like me to talk about
first.
Tim (09:42):
Whichever, I'd like to hear about both.
So whichever first, becauseisn't that really the issue?
Because we're not just one,we're actually multiple of
things, right, we're ourprofessional lives, we're our
personal lives, we're ourhusband or wife, we're our
parents, we're friends.
There's multiple versions of us.
Jenny (10:03):
Yeah, 100%.
So I'll go into theprofessional, because that's a
shorter story.
So, speaking of confidence aswell, I hired people and I had
confidence in people, but, as aleader, I wasn't ready to
release control, wanted tomicromanage, I always wanted to
have an opinion, and when thisdiscovery happened in February
(10:24):
2018, it literally pulled me outof my business instantly, and I
had to trust the people that Ihad hired, and I had to have
confidence in them that theywere going to be able to lead
the company and deal witheverything without me, and that
is really, really scary,especially an entrepreneur, a
business owner, I mean.
I'm sure many people can relateto that, and it was something I
(10:45):
had to do.
So I walked out of my businessin February and I left it in the
hands of someone I hiredJanuary 4th and someone that I
had hired in October who was 18.
And the two of them tookownership of their roles, and
they took the company from redto black, from old school to new
school.
The biggest change, though, wasthat they became confident in
(11:07):
themselves and their roles, andthat boost of confidence is what
they both needed to be able totake control of their own lives,
their own finances their ownroles at the company and really
take over the entire company andthe team, and I'm so proud of
them.
I'm so grateful.
The team, and I'm so proud ofthem.
I'm so grateful If my personallife didn't fall to crap, I
(11:27):
wouldn't have been jerked offthat roller coaster or that
hamster wheel as fast as I wouldand I maybe would not have been
able to have those team members, because I would have prevented
them from leaning in and fromgrowing themselves, much less
the company.
So you know, there's always asilver lining.
I always love to say wherethere's an obstacle there's an
opportunity.
And for the company, that wasthe beginning of greatness.
(11:51):
The company soared as far asgrowth, which then allowed me to
take a paycheck so that if Idid end up divorced then I would
have been able to supportmyself, because prior to that I
wasn't on payroll.
So that's one way thattransformed.
I now have work-life balance.
I don't have to be at thecompany.
I worked myself at a job.
We have systems.
There are so many benefits towhat happened in the
(12:13):
transformation.
So that's like the personalside or the professional side,
the professional side.
Tim (12:19):
So you know it's as we.
Let's go back.
As you were younger, growing upand being the go-getter, being
the entrepreneur, you only knewone way how to do it, and that's
the way that we end up doingthings, and sometimes it does
(12:41):
take a traumatic event to get usto wake up, and I think what
people truly need to understandis that part of this.
Like you said, you didn't knowwho you were.
I think most young people I'dsay most people today spend very
(13:01):
little time thinking about whothey are.
You know thinking about whothey are.
You know thinking about who,who they are as an individual,
what their values are, what theylike, what they don't like, how
they react to differentstressors.
You know all those things thatcome into to being a
well-rounded individual.
We don't think about it, we,because we get up, we do what we
always do.
We go to work, we come home andgo to sleep and then do it all
(13:25):
over again.
Jenny (13:26):
Yeah, I definitely was a workhorse.
I definitely was a force.
I was always referred to aslike a bulldog.
I was definitely very much intomy masculine energy and so much
of me changed personallythrough the process.
So once I was able to jump outof the company and go back home
(13:47):
and really think about did Iwant to be married?
Did I want to be with myhusband?
Who did I want to be personally, who did I want to be in the
future and who did I want toshare my life with?
I started asking myself allthese questions and in this
moment, when you discover thatthe love of your life, the
person that you married and youshare a home with and you've
invested all this stuff in, hasbetrayed you, at that moment you
(14:07):
don't really feel like you cantrust or you'll be able to move
forward.
And a lot of times people arevery quick to take action let's
get divorced and they're readyto throw in the towel.
And I could have very easilydone that.
But I decided to pause and takea moment and really evaluate
the entire relationship.
How did I contribute?
(14:28):
How did I show up as a wife?
Was I a good friend?
Was I loving?
Was I caring, did my husbandknow that he mattered to me and
he had to ask himself a seriesof questions as well.
So there was a lot ofself-discovery, self-reflection
through a time period.
Now we did separate, we movedout, we shared the house One
(14:51):
person would live there one week, another person would live
there another week.
We divided our savings account.
We listed our house for sale.
We did a lot of things so thatwe could just split the assets.
Fortunately, we didn't havechildren to have to worry about,
so we were really only able tofocus on ourselves and it wasn't
about pointing fingers at theother person.
(15:13):
It was more about turning thefingers back at ourselves.
And I think through thatprocess we both matured and we
were able to see how wecontributed positively and
negatively and how we got there.
It's not like my husband justwoke up one day and said I'm
going to go cheat on my wife,and it's not like I started my
company saying I'm going tostart my company and I'm not
(15:34):
going to be married in a coupleof years.
We didn't set out for thatfuture.
Unfortunately, that's just whathappened.
But during that time we didtherapy on our own, we did
counseling together.
I attended sound bath classes,women dancing classes, crystal
(15:54):
healing classes.
I also became very sick and Istarted going to see infectious
disease doctors and a bunch ofother doctors to find out why
was I so sick.
And around that time I sawacupuncturist and she said let's
heal your mind, then we canheal your heart and then we'll
be able to heal your body.
(16:15):
And that's really what helpedme become the woman I am today,
and through journaling andthrough acupuncture and through
forgiveness and a lot of otherthings that I was doing, I was
able to find forgiveness formyself woman I am today, and
through journaling and throughacupuncture and through
forgiveness and a lot of otherthings that I was doing, I was
able to find forgiveness formyself at the end of 2019,
because there was a lot of blameand shame and then that's when
(16:36):
the recovery of the marriagestarted to happen.
Tim (16:39):
Yeah, I guess you know I've never had to deal with that.
So I mean I can't, you know, Ican't imagine what you're going
through and the whole idea.
What was it that made you to,or caused you to, step back and
not just react?
Because, at least for me, I'msomebody who, if there's a
(17:01):
crisis, I'm very good in acrisis, so calm, cool, collected
, think about options, and youknow I don't I very rarely make
a snap decision, so what callsyou to actually take a step back
and to not make rash decisions?
Jenny (17:19):
So well.
First and foremost, my parentsnot only divorced once, they
divorced twice, and so Iactually lived through this with
my parents.
I was in sixth grade the firsttime that my mom had an affair
and she moved out.
That was very depressing, sadand it was very hard on us kids.
(17:40):
I actually came home fromschool and I arrived at home
around 3.30 and my entire housewas completely empty.
My mom had taken all thefurniture while my dad was at
work and us kids were at school,and I found my dad in a rocking
chair and it was the first timeI saw my father cry Very, very
sad moment.
It still hurts me today.
And that was the first time.
(18:02):
And then my mom came back myfreshman year, and then my mom
did the same thing my senioryear, and then she moved out and
I saw the hurt and the painthat it caused my father and my
family.
But what I also realized isthat my dad held on to that hate
and anger for most of his life.
And when I called my father andI said, hey, this is what I'm
(18:26):
going through, the first thingmy father said to me was do not
let the anger take over.
Once the anger takes over,you're never going to get past
it and that was a reality checkfor myself.
I literally took a moment againand I said do I want to be like
my father, who hated my mother?
Couldn't be in the same place,made our lives hell.
(18:48):
Like my parents at our weddingswas the most intense thing.
That was the only time myparents could be in the same
room together and we had toworry about it.
And I saw all the things myfather missed out on because he
didn't want to be in the sameplace as my mother, who was very
active, and we all forgave herand we all love her.
So I just looked at the lifethat he had had and I said I
don't want to be that person.
(19:10):
I need to find a way to forgivemyself and forgive my husband.
Whether I stay together,whether we make this work or we
don't, I never wanted to have aregret.
I do believe that my parents,if they were able to find
forgiveness for themselves andwork through it, they would have
an amazing marriage today andmy siblings would not have
suffered and had drug problemsand other issues if my parents
(19:33):
were able to make it work.
So that was really the reason Iwanted to change the course of
the future and I trulyremembered the man I married.
And I truly remembered the manI married and he is a good man,
and not that I want to give hima hall pass, but I was able to
remember the quality, thequalities, why I fell in love
(19:53):
with him and all of the goodtraits about him.
I didn't really focus on thebad.
I really found it in me to findthe goodness in him.
And I guess just part of theprocess and that's what I want
to encourage everyone to,because I feel like there's so
many times where people justpoint the fingers and think it's
easier to throw in the towel.
But my husband and I willcelebrate 12 years of marriage
(20:15):
in May.
And our marriage is the bestit's ever been.
Our marriage is better thanmost marriages.
We have more love, moreintimacy, more connection.
I mean all the respect and thetrust that we have.
We get a second chance athaving a relationship together
(20:36):
and sometimes you don't realizewhat you have until you lose it
yes and as much as the.
The.
We went through so much painand heartache and wish we didn't
have to go through it.
We did, but we're grateful thatwe did.
If there's one thing that Iwould encourage anyone that's
listening is if you are feelingdefeated, alone, isolated, not
(20:57):
loved, not feeling worthy,please share that with your
spouse.
My husband was afraid to sharehis feelings, and most men are,
and they're very needy.
They're so needy so I wouldencourage you to have those
really tough conversations.
I believe if my husband wouldhave came to me and said this is
how I'm feeling and this iswhat I need from you and this is
(21:17):
how I'm feeling about somebodyelse, I would have made actions,
I would have changed things, Iwould have created the balance.
I would have came home, I wouldhave made a commitment to my
marriage if I knew my marriagewas on the line.
And another thing I wouldencourage people is to
understand their love language.
My husband's love language isquality time.
(21:37):
I felt being on the couch andin the same house was quality
time.
I thought making him come toevents with me was quality time,
and it wasn't.
There was no conversation, Iwasn't present and I wasn't
focused on him, and so I thinkthose are two important things
that we both learned through therecovery process to rebuild the
marriage.
Tim (21:57):
Yeah, and that's great advice.
And coming back to, for you tobe able to do that, you have to
know who you are, and he had tofigure out who he was to be able
to come back and be able tocome back together there,
because if it's just you or ifit's just him, then it's never
going to work.
Jenny (22:16):
Yeah, and I would say I stayed true to who I am.
I am a very strong, independentwoman that loves others, I love
to give and I have a lot ofstrengths and I attract a lot of
people to me.
I think at times that was toomuch for my husband, and my dad
(22:39):
even said to him when he askedfor my hand in marriage are you
going to be able to keep up withher?
Because I am a lot.
So I am still that person.
I just now have my prioritiesin line and I know what I need
to be successful at home and inmy marriage for myself and then
(23:00):
for my company right and beforeit was my company, it was my
life, my love, my passion, myeverything, nothing and nobody
else mattered.
Tim (23:11):
So how do you take that and what strategies do you use to
empower others to be able tocommunicate those types of
things to you, whether it's youremployees, whether it's your
husband, whether it's yourfriends, family, et cetera?
Jenny (23:27):
Yeah.
So I mean that brings us to thewhole stroke it concept.
So the book was inspired by, uh, the affair.
And when we were in counselinghe said, oh well, she made me
feel good, she listened to me,she was present, she made me
feel like a man and all thethings.
And I was like, oh so shestroked you emotionally,
mentally and physically, and sothat's really where the title
(23:49):
came from.
And then I started diving intothat and you know how was I
stroking myself?
Was I telling myself I wasbeautiful?
Did I say you're a badass,you've got this.
Was I pumping myself up?
No, I wasn't.
Was I doing that for my husband?
I wasn't.
And then I started looking atmy employees.
I mean, I was working for free,expecting them to work for free
(24:12):
, or expecting them to work ashard as I was, and I was like,
oh, this is why I'm having somany challenges at work with my
team.
So the whole stroke of conceptreally just blossomed and
essentially it's just ways youcan approach someone to make
them feel loved, validated,appreciated, heard so many times
(24:33):
.
We don't feel that and that'swhy our relationships are not
strong, that's why people don'trespect us, people don't want to
be with us, and so my bookreally covers all the
stakeholders in your life and Isay stakeholders because I come
from the business background,but the stakeholders are the
most important people withinyour life.
So, you, your spouse, youremployees, your employer, your
(24:56):
parents, your family members,your friends, and then, of
course, because most people wantto have fun with the name and I
do too there is a chapter foryour pleasure, and so, as my
mentor says, it's a great bookfrom anywhere from the boardroom
to the bedroom.
And so there's a lot of greattools and tactics in there, and
especially for businessprofessionals, about retaining
(25:17):
employees, and you know,understanding their love
languages.
So, like one example, do youwant me to give you an example?
Tim (25:24):
Yeah, yeah, please.
Jenny (25:25):
So I had two managers the two managers that I had when I
had to step out of my work.
They had two different lovelanguages, one was quality time
and one was gifts, and I couldtake a $20 bill and one would
want me to take them and takethem out to lunch, and one would
want the $20 bill because theywanted to use that for something
(25:46):
else, and just understandingthose two little things makes a
huge difference as far as ourrelationship, and so, once again
, these are just some of thethings that are in the book that
can really help anyone, enhanceany relationship, and I truly
believe that most relationshipscan be healed and can be
reconciled.
(26:06):
But we have to be willing totake ownership, have
conversation, trust be,vulnerable and accept, and I
think sometimes it's hard toaccept the facts or the apology
or the story.
Tim (26:19):
Yeah, speaking of the two managers in there, I love the
story about Taco Tuesdays howyou could just go ahead and, for
almost no money, bring tacos onTuesday and everybody loves it.
But that's it.
It's more than the tacos.
It's the them feeling valued,or you showing them that, their
value, that that you've heardwhat they've said and that you
(26:42):
know you're you're, you're.
Jenny (26:44):
You appreciate them for, for who they are and you know
it's, it's all our tacos, I mean, it's like 25 bucks and what.
The conversations and theconnection that happens at the
table at work is so refreshingand so cool, versus it being
about a meeting about thecompany of what's not going
right or what do we need toimprove on.
So when you come to themeetings to talk about the
(27:06):
business, there's also thatsense of like oh, we have these
kind of meetings on a regularbasis, and a lot of times
they're positive too.
So I highly recommend doingthat, and there's a lot of other
things that we do as well tomake sure that we're encouraging
our staff.
I will say, though, last year,when I was really busy working
on my book and my podcastsimultaneously, we were in the
(27:28):
process of doing a majorexpansion of a 10,000 square
feet facility, and instead oftaking a loan, I decided to fund
that $200,000 straight out ofmy savings account, which caused
me to be really stressful.
Tim (27:39):
A little bit.
I just took a deep breath justto thought, oh boy, here we go.
Jenny (27:44):
So the type of leader that I was last year was I was
exhausted, I was depleted, I wassuper stressed and then it was
like I was on the high of doingthe book, but then I was on like
, oh my gosh, all this andemotionally I was just depleted
and the business wasn't growingas much as it had in the past
and I just felt like peopleweren't actually working as
(28:05):
smart as before.
They came very justla-di-da-da-da and so there was
a lot of components and itcaused a lot of friction with
the team.
So much so I had two differentteam members at different times
come to me, they go.
You're not stroking us anymore,what do you want us to do?
And I was like, oh, there yougo.
But at the same time, that'swhere I always go back and I
(28:25):
don't want to say but, but I dobelieve that there needs to be
honest stroking.
I'm not here to manipulate, I'mnot here to say you're doing a
good job so that you work harderor work more hours.
It's only honest stroking whichcan be a challenge for the
recipients that were so used tobeing stroked or so used to
being taken care of.
So there's the flip side of youknow what are they doing?
Tim (28:48):
You also empowered them to come to you with what they were
thinking they weren't.
They didn't just walk, justwalk away and hide it and call
your names and leave.
Jenny (28:58):
Right, yeah, there's always a lot of conversation,
lots of conversation.
But I will say too, I didbecome very close with my team
members and when I had to stepback into the business to fix
the financials and because ofthe expansion, everything, and
because we weren't growing, Ihad to come back as a different
(29:21):
leader.
And that's really challengingtoo.
When they're used to hangingout with you, having lunch with
you, you're bringing themcoffees and you're having fun
and everything's just like fistpumps and cool, and you're
having fun and everything's justlike fist pumps and cool.
When you have to come back inas a different leader, that's
really hard.
And we actually went through atransition phase with some of
our team members and people thathave been with me for six-plus
(29:42):
years, but everyone served thepurpose and where the company
was going.
They weren't aligned with that,so unfortunately, they had to
go.
Tim (29:51):
They had to go right, and that's part business, it's part
of life, it is what it is.
Jenny (29:59):
But I will say, as far as those individuals too, I think
of obstacles as opportunities.
So similar to when the realestate market crashed and no one
would hire me.
I ended up creating a businessthat I didn't launch it.
I started in 2009 with the plan, but I didn't launch it until
2016.
And then, when COVID happened,there was so much innovation and
(30:21):
people were like finally got todo everything that they wanted
to do that they couldn't dobefore.
And same thing with this couplethat had to leave in January.
They had been wanting to leavefor six months.
They just needed someone topush them off the ledge and push
them into discovering who theywere and take their lives to the
next level, and I truly thinkthey're going to be super
(30:42):
successful.
They don't see that now, butthey will in the future, and so
sometimes I think, if you aregoing through whether it's an
affair or whether you're gettingfired look at the obstacle as
an opportunity to look within,to grow and to transform your
life, because sometimes it's notabout them.
It's more about you and whatyou can do.
Tim (31:01):
Right, right.
You know, reading through yourbook, the Friends chapter really
kind of resonated with me on anumber of different levels.
You talked about how you had afriend who snapped at you and
(31:27):
said, do you ever stop talkingabout work?
And how you took that and youcut her out.
And I've been there, yeah, didyou ever reach back out to that
person?
Jenny (31:43):
Yeah, ironically enough.
So that's my friend, nicole,and we had been actually best
friends since fifth grade andthis happened probably like six
years ago, so we've got afriendship over 30 years.
And she said that to me.
And what I later realizedduring the self-reflection is I
(32:06):
was always talking.
Every conversation was about me.
Every conversation waseverything I was doing, the
changes I was making, the impactI was making, the people I was
meeting.
And that's really one of thethings that I learned through
this whole process is, otherpeople have a story to share,
all the things happening.
So in that moment of reflection,I had to look within and say
(32:42):
shut up and allow others.
And so later, you know, her andI, we ended up talking and I
did say to her you know, hey, Iunderstand where you're coming
from.
It took me a really long timeto understand that.
And same thing with my husband.
You know, I was always talkingabout the company and he never
had a voice.
He never was able to speak.
I was always talking about thecompany and he never had a voice
.
He never was able to speak.
Now, all he does is talk.
So I was not allowing others tobe part of the conversation,
(33:05):
and so her and I yes, we werefriends again.
And then I had told her aboutmy book launch party several
times and she didn't put it onher calendar and she happened to
be working at the place that mybook launch party was at.
She's like, but I wasn't thereand I was like you didn't put it
on your calendar and so,anyways, we had a big blowout
again at the age of 43, um, andthen we just made up again.
(33:30):
So but you know, I think that'sfriendships, especially when
you're friends for like 30something years.
You're going to have these tips, but you can make amends and
still work through it, but youhave to talk about it and you
have to forgive.
Tim (33:43):
And that's the other piece that I think younger people need
to understand.
Friendships are like marriagesit's not always going to be
sunshine and roses it's.
It's.
Jenny (33:55):
There's going to be disagreements, there's going to
be tough times and and you know,if you value these people in
your life, you, you work throughthem and sometimes they, the
friendship, has run its course,and that's okay too has run its
course, and that's okay too,yeah, I think relationships
(34:16):
require a lot of TLC and a lotof communication, and I think
sometimes we're afraid to shareour feelings or how we feel or
confront that person, becausemaybe we don't want to have
conflict and it's easier just toshut down, be nice, don't say
anything mean and move on.
And I think it's important thatyou talk about whatever is
bothering you so that things canget resolved and you can move
(34:38):
on.
And I do believe that peopleare in your life for a season
and for a reason, and they arethere to disrupt and remind you
as well of what's important andwhat's not.
And I I mean like going back toour story.
I mean that person was a verylarge disruptor in our life, but
(34:59):
it allowed us to see whatreally cared and what we loved
and what was at stake, and itwas a really great reminder as
well.
Tim (35:06):
Yeah, you know, and on top of that, I like how you talk
about how, especially as we getolder, how much different
friendships are for for men andwomen, uh, how they evolve, how
they're built.
And you know, I, I think youfor for men, I think you nailed
it, I really do it, you know.
(35:27):
Um, it's, it's much harder forus.
It's, and I think I think it'smuch harder for us because, and
I think it's much harder for usbecause of the way we've been
brought up and what society sayswe should be and what society
says we should do, and so that'swhat we do.
You know, I watch my twodaughters.
(35:48):
I grew up with three brothers.
I didn't have women in my lifeuntil, obviously, my mom, who's
a saint.
Then I got married and had twodaughters, so I didn't really
(36:11):
have women in my life until thatpoint.
And watching them it's so muchharder for them, I think, when
they're younger, butfriendship-wise it gets easier
as they get older.
And for guys it's the exactopposite.
And you know, for me there's avideo out there by I think his
name is Ryan Stevens, and hetalks about how you need to have
guys, need to have five friends, five different friends.
They're the ride or die,they're the spiritual, the
confidant, the hospitable andthe hitman.
Hitman and um, if you don'thave those five, then you're not
(36:40):
, you're not actively livinglife, you're not actively
building relationships and andto me it's all.
I don't care what business orindustry in, it's always about
relationships, always it is Ithink for men as well.
Jenny (36:51):
I think some of them lack confidence yeah they do.
I think a lot of that comesinto play because there's so
much comparison.
What kind of car you drive?
What does your wife look like?
How many kids Do your kids goto private school?
What country club do you belongto?
Are you good at a hobby.
For example, my husband hereally wants to play golf but
(37:13):
for a long time he wouldn't goplay golf with other men because
he wasn't confident in his golfgame and that was preventing
him from getting out on the golfcourse.
Same thing with tennis.
I was like, let's go playtennis.
He wasn't a strong tennisplayer and I think a lot of that
has to come down withconfidence and the fear of
judgment and this whole like bea man, and it's really really
(37:33):
unfortunate and I really hopesome women out there and men
that are listening really cankey in on that, especially as
they're raising the nextgeneration, to boost their
confidence and really fosterwhat they're passionate about,
so that they can have a hobby,so they can connect with
individuals.
I feel like a lot of myfriendships are based on the
hobbies I've had or thesituations I've been part of and
(37:56):
work or the work that I'm doingor volunteering as well.
So finding people that arelike-minded and share the same
passions and core values isreally hard too if you're
working from home or you'reisolated, which I think a lot of
men are dealing with now menare dealing with now.
Tim (38:15):
Yeah, and so last week I was at a conference and you know
, not being in the classroomanymore, it was so nice to be
able to be around people.
To you know I was.
I did a round table and did akeynote and that's around table.
I said, you know, just sittinghere at a table with with you,
20 people is so much better thansitting on Zoom, having this
conversation, just theinteractions, and it's so much
(38:38):
easier to communicate, it's somuch easier to connect there and
I miss that.
I've always said I hate people,but it's not true.
But I never thought I would saythat I missed being around
people, never thought that Iwould ever say that, and I do.
Jenny (38:56):
Yeah, I think the human connection is super powerful and
I think being with people, youcan feel their energy as well.
I think it's important.
So one of my mentors that wason my podcast you know had made
some suggestions and I thinkrotary clubs are good, Finding a
(39:21):
hobby, like Finding a hobby inyour 20s, and kind of building
that hobby base to where youknow you have people and you can
kind of boost that confidencein the game.
I feel like that's one of thereasons why I've never met a
stranger is because I wasinvolved in so many activities
in my upbringing, whether it waselementary, middle school, high
school or even my 20s where Ican always find a connection
with someone.
Yes, and I think that's what weneed more of and I think men
need that and I think too,sometimes they feel guilty for
(39:45):
going and having a hobby andthey're getting guilted by a
family member because they'regoing and doing that.
I read this wonderful bookcalled Becoming your Spouse's
Better Half and it talks abouthow important it is for men to
have time with men and women tohave time with women.
(40:07):
And that really can change yourrelationship.
And also it reminds you of whatyou have at home.
It's really special, becausewhen people start talking about
their spouses, you're like, ooh,ooh, ooh, my husband does that,
so that can be super powerfultoo.
Tim (40:20):
Yeah yeah, and I, I guess I'm just, I'm just built
different, I don't know um, if Iwant to do something, I just
tell my wife, this one we'regonna do.
It's not like can I, can I?
Can I go hang out with thisperson and and she's the same
way, just go do what you gottado yeah, but you both probably
(40:42):
have friends we, we do, but Imean, I think, but we also do so
much together, right, and it's.
you know, we talked about thiswhen I was on your podcast.
I mean, we literally do prettymuch everything together, and so
(41:02):
when it comes time to by theway, saturday, I'm going over
here it's there's really nodiscussion.
It's not like, well, I haven'tseen you all week, it's not like
I haven't.
You know, we've got thisplanned or whatever.
So I think it's maybe that'swhy we're different, but I've
also never been the person andshe's never been the person that
I've known to to question orwell, can I come?
(41:25):
Well, yeah, you can come if youwant.
I didn't think to ask you, butif you want to, you know what
I'm saying.
It's not like asking permission.
Jenny (41:35):
Right, but I do believe that a lot of that has to do
with your wife being confidentand having her friends and her
lives and her things and youhaving yours as well.
If both people, both parties ofthis relationship, have those
things, it makes it easier forus to say, yeah, go do your
thing.
Tim (41:53):
Right.
Jenny (41:53):
If you have a relationship where one person is
always active, going out, hasthe social lives, has the
hobbies and the other onedoesn't?
That's where the conflict comesin.
Yeah, and that's kind of wheremy husband and I struggle at
times too is because he has somefriends I don't think he has
five, but maybe four but theyall have children and so and we
(42:13):
don't have children, so there'sthe disconnect there where the
guys are always busy taking careof the kids or if they're
hanging out, the kids are all soum.
I think that's where some of theconflict comes as well.
Or there's resentment because,like my in-laws, my
father-in-law had a lot offriends.
My mother-in-law didn't.
She just stayed home.
So he would want to go and bewith his friends and she would
(42:35):
be like, well, go hang out withyour boyfriend, or you want to
go do this.
And she was just angry and meanand resentful to him.
And at that moment we would say, hey, why don't you call some
of your friends and schedulelunch at the same time?
That way you're not feelinglonely or isolated, and if you
are depressed or you're notconfident or you don't feel like
(42:56):
you have people to call, that'swhen I think the judgment and
the shame comes into play.
So if there are listeners outthere that can relate to this, I
would say don't wait forsomeone to call you.
Make the phone call.
Your friend may be waiting foryou to call them.
They may be needing to get outof the house in a reason and
they may be, hey, thinking aboutyou.
You don't even have to expect areply, but at least that person
(43:29):
knows that when they need youor they have time to hang out,
that you're available to be withthem.
Tim (43:35):
Exactly, and it's again, I think it goes back to what
trying to conform to whatsociety has told us what it
should be, and and not not trulythinking it through that that
that just doesn't work,especially with how busy we are
(43:56):
today.
Right, I mean it's.
It's.
I go back to when I was a kidand I was very active, like you
were, in sports and other things, and I was very active, like
you were, in sports and otherthings, but my mom didn't work
until I was, you know, probablymiddle school, right, and so she
(44:18):
was just always there, but she,but I, she, she had her, her
ceramic classes, I think, onTuesday and Thursday nights and
she just went and did thosethings.
And now, with where it's beenso common to have two-income
households and we've just becomeso busy, I think that's kind of
where we're at.
Jenny (44:39):
Yeah, and I think when that happens too, it's about
prioritizing your time to whereyou can create time for yourself
, for others, but then also foryour partner, because those are
three different things that youneed.
You need time with friends andhobbies, you need time for
yourself to just chill and doyour reflection and process your
days and your emotions, and youneed to be with your partner
(45:02):
and be present to where you canhave intimacy, you can have
conversation, you can haveconnection as well.
And I mean, we're all busy,we're all exhausted, but we only
get one life and that lifeshould be fulfilled and it
should be happy and it should befilled with love, and it should
be with people that yougenuinely care about and that
(45:23):
genuinely care about you.
Tim (45:24):
Yeah, and so how did you kind of figure out the work-life
balance?
Because even when you're goingthrough the trauma that you went
through and I'm kind ofthinking about it myself from
how I operate I mean, I could beat work all day, every day, get
(45:47):
up at six, be here tillmidnight, go home, go to sleep
and come back and do it all overagain.
But you know, at one point, youknow when this was before I
moved to Atlanta, when I wasteaching, we lived literally
right around the block fromwhere my office was and there
would be times my wife wouldcome over to my office at 10
(46:11):
o'clock and there would be work,be working with students on
projects.
She would say, okay, you allneed to let him go home.
And and finally, you know, atone point she said you cannot
continue to do this all the time.
And she was right.
I ended up getting had somehealth issues, primarily because
(46:33):
I was really nonstop.
My schedule was get up at 4.30,go to the gym, go teach, go to
the gym for lunch, work tillmidnight.
Jenny (46:46):
Wow, are you happy?
Tim (46:50):
I'm much happier now than I was then.
Jenny (46:53):
Yeah, but it sounds like some adjusting could be in the
future.
So for me I had to become verystructured with my time and my
energy.
So I actually printed out aweekly schedule with the times
and everything and I starteddoing block scheduling.
So from six o'clock in themorning until 8 pm I had
(47:14):
literally a schedule.
So my alarm would go off at sixand I had on my calendar, on a
piece of paper and on my phonesnuggle time, because once again
my husband was about qualitytime and personal touch.
So I had to snuggle and strokehim in the morning before I got
out of bed because I would justget out of bed and he'd wake up
alone.
So I would do that, and then Iwould do me.
(47:35):
So I would go work out, I wouldgo play tennis, I would journal
, I would go for a walk and Iwould do me so that I was in the
right mindset and I was able tobe happy and able to give
myself to other people.
And then I developed my workday and then at 4 o'clock I was
done working.
Now I could come home.
I could then journal, I couldwork on a passion project, I
(47:57):
could do hobbies, but then I wasready to rock and roll with my
husband at the time he got offwork at 5.30.
And then I would spend timewith him in dedicated time where
I'd be completely present.
So I basically split my time upin thirds.
So I would do me in the morningwork and then my husband at
night, or vice versa.
(48:17):
And then I also had to commit toonly going out with friends or
at events three nights a week,because I would be out like six
and seven days a week.
So I had to be home.
You know four days, right.
And then I had to make sure Icommunicated what days I was
going to be home so that I couldbe having dinner with my
husband.
Or if I wasn't going to be homethose are the nights then he
(48:40):
would go and hang out with hisfamily or he would make plans
with his friends so that hewasn't home missing me.
He was then having connectionwith other people or working on
whatever he wanted.
So I feel like because I createdsuch a structure of my schedule
and once again it was on myrefrigerator, on a piece of
paper for me to see everymorning, and that I literally
(49:00):
had it in my phone so that Icould stay focused and because I
created that balance, Iliterally took my like 60 hour
work week to probably 20 hours aweek, and so weeks I only ended
up working 15 because I was sofocused and so efficient with my
time, and then I would haveoffice hours and then I would
have work at home hours so thatI had dedicated time for certain
(49:21):
projects.
Tim (49:23):
Was that a difficult adjustment?
Because I can feel the hair onmy back, you know, standing up
already.
Just the thought of that, Imean because, especially if
somebody in your position andwhat you do, I mean I can see
you having to go to events sevendays a week and now you've got
to pick and choose.
Now, as much as I'd like to bethere, I'm committed to doing
(49:45):
this.
Was that a difficult adjustment?
Jenny (49:47):
So it was.
I used to suffer from FOMO andnow I don't, and now it's like
you know what, I don't need tobe everywhere, I don't need to
be seen.
A lot of that was my ego, and Iwas seeing the same people at
the same places and at the endof the day, I was trying to
phase myself out of being theface of the company.
So then I started investing andenlisting the team members and
(50:08):
giving them those opportunitiesso people could start building
trust with them.
So that they could start workingon the relationships and the
partnerships needed to grow thecompany.
The less people needed me, themore time I got to myself and I
also just identified my valueand the more I fueled myself,
the more energy I had for othersand I was able to be really
(50:30):
creative.
I was able to be reallyinnovative.
I found time to rest andrecharge, I found time to travel
, I had time to spend withfamily, and that's really what
mattered and that's why I wasworking so hard and so leaning
into my why really dictates myschedule and I will say I work
(50:50):
right now.
I'm kind of in the grind alittle bit right now because I'm
going away for a month and I'llbe going away, but I'm going to
do like eight weeks vacationthis year, so but I'm able to do
that because I have outsourcedall the things that don't serve
me, that I don't like doing andthat are below my pay grade, and
I would encourage you to do thesame.
Tim (51:11):
I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
It's it's the word you said wasego, and that's it.
That's that's.
Ego is a powerful thing,whether people realize it or not
, and and everybody has it.
That's that's.
Ego is a powerful thing,whether people realize it or not
, and and everybody has it.
And it comes out for everybody,in, in, in different ways and
(51:35):
at different times, and um.
Jenny (51:38):
And I think too, if you're humble like the whole
journey that I went throughreally made me humble- and
really appreciative Um, and thathelps with transformation and
it helps with managing the ego.
Tim (51:49):
Yeah, Getting that thing in check is at least for me.
When it pops up, it never turnsout good.
Just keep that ego.
Jenny (52:03):
But there is a sense where you need an ego you need
an ego to get on stage and speak, especially with confidence,
and you need an ego to do someof the work that you do, and so
it's about finding a reallygreat balance to where the ego
serves you and it serves othersand it doesn't dictate how you
(52:23):
act.
Tim (52:26):
Yeah, and, and that's I guess.
I guess that's the real thing.
And you know, you, you, you saythose things.
You need to get up on stage andyou do.
But I don't think of it likethat.
I, when I hear when, when myego comes out to me, it's always
a negative, I mean it's always.
(52:46):
And maybe that's where thediscussion in my head has to
change.
Jenny (52:55):
Yeah, I think that's your masculine energy escalated.
Tim (53:00):
A lot of that.
Jenny (53:01):
And then it's also probably something else from
your past.
Oh, it's definitely from a past, yeah that maybe you haven't
dealt with or that is stillliving within you or that you
haven't moved on from.
So it usually comes from painand hurt.
Tim (53:19):
Well, my inner talk is you're not the boss of me.
That's what it is.
You're not the boss of me.
Jenny (53:28):
Did someone used to say that to you as a child?
Like someone trying to boss youaround a lot as a child.
Tim (53:34):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not the boss of me,
I'll show you.
Jenny (53:39):
Okay.
Tim (53:40):
Yeah, and I'm 57 now and I'm pretty good, but there are
times when that and it doesn'ttake much and it and it comes
out.
But Maybe, dive into that yeah.
Jenny (53:58):
I would dive into that because I'm sure there's like a
pain point of someone like, forinstance, my girlfriend, her son
is disabled.
Of someone like, for instance,my girlfriend, her son is
disabled and he was a twin andhe was born without a kidney and
they didn't actually think hewas going to live.
So he has had transfusionsurgeries, I mean all the things
, but she's constantly having totell him what to do, like
constantly go to the bathroom,change your catheter.
(54:19):
This is what you have to eat.
You had to go to speech there.
He has constantly been toldwhat he has to do, every step,
every day, every minute, everyhour, to where now he's just
lashing out because he doesn'twant to be told what to do
anymore.
Right, and so not that.
That's how your childhood was,but I think sometimes something
happens where we don't havecontrol, and that's where we had
(54:41):
those memories.
Tim (54:42):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I definitely would not compare
myself to him in any way, shape,matter or form, but that's a
different story.
But, Jenny, thank you so muchfor spending some time with us.
Where can people find you, workwith you and get your book?
Jenny (55:03):
Yeah.
So I want to encourage everyoneto get my book, the Stroke it
Guide.
It has tons of resources.
It'll lead you to my podcast.
It'll be a great way for you toconnect with me.
You can get that on Amazontomorrow, directly shipped to
your house, or, if you wouldlike to get a signed copy with
some gifts, I'm happy topersonalize that for you and
mail that out, and you can getthat through my website.
(55:24):
It's going to be my first name,last name, first name, little
name and last name, which isJenny Allday, with 1LTownsendcom
, and I'm on all the socialplatforms and I have a podcast
as well, called the Stroke itGuide.
So if you're not ready to buythe book, that's a great place
to get started to connect withme and my listeners.
Tim was a guest on my podcastas well.
My podcast features CEOs,coaches, mentors, divorce
(55:48):
attorneys, divorce coaches,dating individuals, so there's a
wide variety for personal andprofessional development and I
would just love to leave youwith that to choose.
You take ownership of your life, what you need, what you want,
and share that with the peopleyou love.
Tim (56:04):
That's a good way to end it and just by the book, it's well
worth what you're paying for it.
To me, again, it's a how-to,it's a how to have relationships
and what you should do.
And, jenny, I could talk to youfor hours.
I mean, I think what you'redoing is awesome.
(56:25):
I love what you should do.
And, jenny, I could talk to youfor hours.
I think what you're doing isawesome, I love what you're
doing.
Thank you, it's amazing.
But again, thanks so much forjoining us and we'll talk to you
soon.
Jenny (56:34):
Thank you, tim.
So much Cheers to you all.
Tim (56:38):
Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free e-book Top 21Challenges for Public Speakers
and how to Overcome them.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking course
.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
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