Tim Newman Speaks: 5 Common Listening Mistakes—and How to Fix Them

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Your brain might be sabotaging your listening skills, and you don’t even realize it.

In this solo episode, Tim Newman dives into the five most common listening mistakes that quietly destroy relationships, teamwork, and trust. From the sneaky dopamine hit that pulls the conversation back to you to the science behind why your brain zones out mid-sentence, this episode unpacks the hidden habits that keep us from being powerful communicators.

Backed by neuroscience and loaded with actionable fixes, you'll learn:

• How to use the “two-second pause” to instantly improve leadership communication
• Why even a face-down phone can drop conversation quality by 32%
• How asking verification questions increases team innovation by 22%
• Why removing distractions can help you reclaim public speaking confidence in everyday conversations

Whether you're leading a team, speaking to a crowd, or connecting with a friend, these small changes in listening habits can radically improve how people respond to you.

Which mistake are you ready to fix first?

Call to Action:
Visit TimNewmanSpeaks.com to grab your free resource, Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers (and How to Overcome Them), and register for the Formula for Public Speaking course. Because your voice—and your listening—has the power to change the world.

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Episode Transcript

Tim (00:08):
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, the podcast
that helps you build the softskills that lead to real results
Communication, storytelling,public speaking and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.

(00:28):
Make sure you hit the subscribebutton so you never miss an
episode.
In the most recent episode, Ispoke with Kirk McCarley.
He emphasized the importance oflistening as part of the
communication process.
So let's take a deep dive andlook at five common listening
mistakes and how to correct them.
Let's get started.
Picture two versions ofyourself One who zones out

(00:52):
during conversations and one wholistens with full attention.
Which version do you think getsbetter relationships, better
opportunities and better results?
The good news is you can becomethe second version by fixing
these five listening mistakes.
Let's break them down.
No fluff, just practical steps.

(01:13):
Mistake number one planning yourresponse instead of listening.
You ever catch yourself sofocused on what you're going to
say next that you miss half whatthe other person just said.
Yeah, we've all been there, andit's not because you're rude or
you don't care.
It's because your brain iswired to jump in and respond

(01:34):
quickly.
But here's the kicker thathabit of mentally rehearsing
while someone's still talkingactually blocks real
understanding.
Your brain can't fully processwhat someone's saying and plan
to reply at the same time.
So what happens?
You hear the words but you missthe meaning.
Let's put it into real life.

(01:55):
Say, for example, a co-workeris explaining why they're
concerned about a projectdeadline.
While they're talking, you'realready prepping your response,
thinking we're fine on time, sothere's no need to panic.
But you totally miss the actualissue.
They don't need more time, theyneed more help.
So your response doesn't solvethe problem and it creates

(02:19):
another problem.
That's conversationmultitasking in action, and it
just doesn't work.
Problem that's conversationmultitasking in action, and it
just doesn't work.
Kydne's load theory backs thisup.
Our working memory has a limit.
If you're using it to listenand plan at the same time, both
suffer.
Brain scans show this.
They show that your prefrontalcortex lights up when you're

(02:40):
preparing your reply, while thepart of your brain that
processes sound is also tryingto do its job.
This causes neither one to dotheir job well.
One study found people rememberonly 25% of what they heard
when they were busy thinkingabout their response, compared
to 68% when they focus onlistening first.
And it's not just about memory.

(03:01):
People notice when you're notreally tuned in In relationships
, they feel dismissed.
In the workplace it leads tomistakes and misunderstandings.
But when someone sees youmaking eye contact, staying
still and facing them, that kindof presence builds trust.
So what's the fix?
Practice mental silence.

(03:21):
Train yourself to hit pause oninner dialogue while the other
person is talking.
Listen first, then respond.
It feels weird at first,especially in fast conversations
, but with practice it getseasier.
This listening mistake is one ofthe most common but also one of
the most damaging.
It makes people feel unheardand it breaks communication on

(03:44):
teams.
But now that you see it, youcan change it and avoid the
mistake that causes even biggerdisconnects.
So let's move on to mistakenumber two interrupting.
Even if you have goodintentions.
I was just trying to help.
That's what most interrupterssay and yeah, it usually is
coming from a good place, butyour brain doesn't care.

(04:06):
Just like we talked about in thethree ADHD communication hacks
that actually work episode,neuroscience shows that being
interrupted triggers yourbrain's threat response.
Again the same response as ifyou were in danger, like if you
were being chased by a bear thatjolt you feel when someone cuts
you off mid-thought.

(04:27):
That's your amygdala lightingup, and it's not just giving you
a bad feeling, it creates realproblems in communication.
In fact, workplace studies say80% of conflicts start with this
pattern.
Someone's venting about stressand instead of just listening we
jump in to solve.
It Sounds helpful, right, butin doing that we skip the part

(04:48):
where they feel heard, andhere's what the research says
happens.
Next, the speaker goes from openexpression to defensiveness.
They start editing what theysay or stop talking altogether.
Even small interruptions lowerhow much people remember from
the conversation.
Here's a wild stat.
The average person interruptsafter just a half a second of

(05:09):
silence.
But most people need betweenone and a half and two seconds
to finish processing theirthoughts, and that tiny gap
creates a big disconnect.
So what's the fix?
It's called the two-second ruleand it's simple Wait a full two
seconds after the other personstops talking before you respond
.
That space lets them addafterthought and gives you a

(05:30):
better shot at actuallyunderstanding what they meant.
If you're having toughconversations you may want to
stretch that to maybe fiveseconds.
You'll be shocked how often thereal point comes out in that
pause.
This one habit can seriouslychange how you show up as a
listener.
Managers who pause just a bitlonger score 30% higher in
leadership ratings.
In fact, one tech company foundthat teams with

(05:53):
non-interrupting leaders solveproblems 22% faster.
And it's not just about words.
People pick up on your bodylanguage too.
Leaning in, sucking in a breath.
Those little signals make folksfeel rushed.
So next time your partner saysI'll finish quickly, check your
posture.
You might be accidentallycutting them off without even

(06:13):
saying a word.
Here's a challenge For the nextthree days keep track of how
often you interrupt, includingthe sneaky little ones like
right.
So what I was thinking isyou'll probably underestimate
yourself by a lot.
Then try the two-second ruleand see what shifts.
Conversations will get deeperand you'll build trust without
even saying anything.

(06:34):
Now, even if you master this,there are more listening habits
that fly under the radar, and itmight be costing you more than
you think.
The distraction trap is mistakenumber three.
Your phone isn't the only thingpulling your attention away
during conversations.
Distractions come in all forms.
It could be a buzz from yourphone or a ping from your laptop
.
It could be mental clutter likeyour deadline hanging over your

(06:57):
head or remembering you have togo to the store to get eggs.
It could even be environmentalstuff, like chatter nearby or
traffic outside, or for me, itcould be birds, squirrels or
even the smell of smoking abrisket.
And even if your phone is facedown, just having it in sight
drops conversation quality by32%.
Mit researchers found thateffect gets even worse during

(07:19):
emotional conversations.
Now picture this A friend opensup and shares something personal
and you glance at your watch.
They notice their face drops,the vibe changes and they
probably start thinking maybethis doesn't matter to them.
After all, eye tracking studiesback this up.
Listeners focus drifts within90 seconds and the speaker picks

(07:40):
up on it fast and the brainreacts like it's under threat.
And in the workplace this kindof disconnect is behind 60% of
preventable mistakes.
Each distracted moment addswhat researchers call
conversational debt and the cost.
People start pulling back,coworkers leave out key
information, friends keep itsurface level and partners stop

(08:01):
sharing what really matters.
Heat map studies even show apattern Eyes jump from phones to
doors, to clocks, and when thathappens the speaker's core
level rises and they feel adisconnect, even if they don't
know why.
So what's the fix?
Single-tasking, and you don'thave to go all in at once.
Start with ease.

(08:21):
Put the phones away duringimportant conversations, like
away, out of sight.
Mentally repeat the last threewords the speaker says.
It keeps you anchored, ifpossible.
Face away from distractionslike windows or walkways.
You should also watch yournonverbal cues, shifting your
body away, sneaking glances atthe clock, n nodding just to
keep the conversation going.

(08:42):
Those all get noticed within 30seconds and when you're
distracted you'll only retainabout 25% of what's said.
But when you're fully present,the results speak for themselves
.
Teams wrap up projects 18%faster.
Customer satisfaction jumps by22 points.
Couples report 40% betterconflict resolution just from

(09:02):
removing the devices.
Here's a tip Track this.
Pay attention to how oftenpeople say never mind.
That's usually code for youweren't really listening.
And as you build better habits,you'll start noticing the
little things, the details thatothers miss.
People will start to share moreand trust will start to grow.
Start by removing just onedistraction, then build from

(09:25):
there.
This is how you reclaim realconnection.
Get ready for the next hiddenhabit that holds us back from
fully listening.
Mistake number four is assuminginstead of asking.
We've all done it, think weknow exactly what someone's
about to say.
But how often are we actuallyright Turns out not very often.
Studies show that most of usmisinterpret what others mean

(09:46):
way more often than we realize.
Why?
Because our brains fill in theblanks with assumptions based on
our past experiences.
It's a mental shortcut meant tosave time, but it backfires
when the information is fuzzy orincomplete.
Let's break it down.
Picture a split screen.
On one side, you've gotassumption-based listening.
A coworker mentions strugglingwith a project and your brain

(10:08):
goes lazy.
So you start offering advicehow they can push through, maybe
even drop the project.
But the problem is you missedthe actual issue it's a lack of
staffing.
Now flip to the other side.
You've got assumption-basedlistening, curiosity-based
listening.
Instead of jumping toconclusions, you ask what part
of the project feels mostchallenging, and that one

(10:29):
question cuts through the foglike a flashlight.
And now you've got the truththey're buried in too much work
not slacking off.
See the difference?
When we assume, we create falsestories and over time, those
stories chip away at trust.
In fact, workplace studies showthat when managers make
assumptions about why employeesare unhappy, they get it wrong

(10:50):
65% of the time.
The International ListingAssociation yeah, that's a real
thing says that close to 60% ofpreventable conflicts come from
assumption-basedmisunderstandings.
So what's the fix?
It's called verification.
Repeat back what you heard,then check if you got it right.
Something like so you'refeeling overwhelmed.
Is that what's the fix?
It's called verification.
Repeat back what you heard,then check if you got it right.
Something like so you'refeeling overwhelmed.
Is that what's going on?

(11:11):
It gives them the chance toclarify and keeps you focused on
what they're actually saying,not what you think they're
saying.
Leaders who use this strategysee a 22% boost in team
innovation, and asking goodquestions does more than clear
up confusion.
It shows you're listening, itslows you down and it helps
uncover things that might havestayed buried Like this project

(11:32):
is tough actually means we'remissing a key tool.
Brain scans even showed thatswitching from assumption to
analysis mode makes yourunderstanding more accurate.
Here's a challenge Keep a tally.
How often do you say I assumedversus?
Did you mean?
Try asking just one clarifyingquestion in every important

(11:54):
conversation this week.
It'll start to become secondnature and your relationships
both at work and at home willthank you, because the more
space we create for real meaningto surface, the less room there
is for misunderstanding.
Moving on to mistake numberfive making it all about you?
You ever notice how someconversations feel like a hall

(12:15):
of mirrors, your voice bouncingback even when someone else
should be the focus.
That's called conversationalnarcissism and it shows up in
over 60% of daily interactions.
Why?
Because your brain loves it.
Talking about yourself lightsup the medial prefrontal cortex

(12:35):
and it gives you a hit ofdopamine.
So even if you don't mean tomake it about you, your brain is
nudging you to do it.
But while your brain getsrewarded, the other person feels
pushed aside.
In the workplace this matters.
Teams with self-centeredleaders report 37% lower
psychological safety.
People stop sharing becausethey expect to be overshadowed.

(12:58):
Watch for these signs, such asmatching someone's struggle that
happened to me too or flippingemotions.
You think that's bad?
I once dot dot dot.
Or how about this one Hijackinggood news Congratulations.
That reminds me of when I dotdot dot.
We all do it.
But there's a fix.

(13:19):
It's called you-centeredresponding.
Try this.
Focus fully on their story, forexample.
That sounds tough.
How are you handling it?
Or ask a follow up.
What's been the hardest part?
Or, try this, if it fits,briefly relate your experience.
I felt something similar.

(13:39):
Does that compare?
It works?
One manager saw a 28% boost inteam openness.
Customer service reps usingthis approach improve
satisfaction scores by 19 points.
It works.
One manager saw a 28% boost inteam openness.
Customer service reps usingthis approach improved
satisfaction scores by 19 points.
Even at home, partners and kidsopen up more.
Small shifts help Swap.
I know how you feel, for helpme understand what that feels

(14:02):
like for you Replace.
That's like when I with tell memore about your experience.
When you stop making it aboutyou, connections deepen.
And that's when real listeningbegins.
You don't need to fixeverything at once, just start
small.
Pick one habit to focus on thisweek.
Maybe it's giving people a fulltwo seconds before responding,

(14:24):
or maybe it's catching yourselfbefore shifting the spotlight
back to your own story.
Or maybe it's putting the phoneout of sight and really dialing
in.
Then watch what happens.
Do people open up more?
Are there fewermisunderstandings?
Are your conversations smoother, deeper, more productive?
As Michael C Bush puts it,listening has given someone the

(14:46):
experience of being heard, andthat starts with showing up and
setting your own agenda aside.
So what listening habit are yougoing to focus on first, and
what kind of impact do you thinkit'll have?
Remember, we're looking forprogress, not perfection.
That's all for today.
Be sure to visitspeakwithconfidencepodcastcom to
get your free e-book Top 21Challenges for Public Speakers

(15:10):
and how to Overcome them.
You can also register for theFormula for Public Speaking
course.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.