July 24, 2025 • 12 mins
Ever walked out of a feedback session more confused, frustrated, or defensive than when you walked in? You’re not alone, and it’s probably not what was said, but how it was said.
In this episode of Speaking With Confidence, I break down the real reason most feedback sabotages relationships: it ignores personality. Using the DISC model, I walk through how different communication styles process feedback, and why a “feedback sandwich” just isn’t cutting it anymore.
From understanding the neurological triggers of defensiveness to using the SBI model (Situation, Behavior, Impact) to shape clearer conversations, I’ll show you how to turn your feedback from friction into fuel for real growth. We’ll also talk about why future-focused feedback works better, how to use active listening skills in tough conversations, and what it takes to become a powerful communicator who builds trust, even during hard talks.
This episode is for you if:
- You’re tired of feedback turning into a standoff
- You want to lead with empathy and clarity
- You’re working on your confidence in public speaking, or just in everyday conversations
We don’t get better by sugarcoating. We get better by communicating clearly, confidently, and with intention.
Want more? Download my free eBook The Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them and explore more powerful communication resources at TimNewmanSpeaks.com.
Want to be a guest on Speaking With Confidence? Send Tim Newman a message on PodMatch
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tim (00:08):
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that
helps you build the soft skillsthat lead to real results
Communication, storytelling,public speaking and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Next week, I will be away onvacation with my family.
(00:29):
On Monday, july 28th, therewill be a new episode with
Richard Reed as the guest.
You're going to get a ton ofvalue from his insights.
On Thursday, july 31st, therewill be a rerun of one of the
most asked-for topics and we'llbe back on a regular schedule
the following week with a newinterview episode on August 4th
(00:49):
and a new short instructionalepisode on August 7th.
As always, if you havequestions or comments, just
shoot me an email.
Now let's get into today'sepisode.
Have you ever received feedbackfrom a supervisor or co-worker
that you thought was just so badyou thought they were talking
to the wrong person?
Giving feedback is not as easyas saying you messed up.
(01:11):
Do better.
Giving feedback isn't aone-size-fits-all.
In fact, the way you deliverfeedback can make or break
workplace relationships, and itall comes down to understanding
personality differences.
The DISC model breaks peopledown into four main styles
dominance, conscientiousness,influence and steadiness.
(01:34):
Each style hears feedbackdifferently.
If you don't tell your message,you're likely to trigger
resistance instead of results.
But when you match yourapproach to the person's DIS
style, you build trust, reducefriction and help people improve
faster.
And that's why I put together apractical, personality-specific
(01:54):
feedback blueprint.
But before we get into how touse it, let's look at why most
feedback conversations miss themark.
Most feedback conversationsfall short because they trigger
resistance instead ofencouraging improvement.
One survey found that 38% of UKworkers have actually
considered leaving their jobsbecause of poor feedback.
(02:15):
That's a huge signal that theway feedback is delivered often
does more harm than good.
Employees say they wantfeedback, but when it comes they
rarely act on it.
The issue isn't a lack ofdesire.
It's that the feedback itselfmisses the mark.
One common culprit is theclassic feedback sandwich
(02:38):
offering praise, then criticismand then more praise by blending
positive and negative messageslike this actually undermines
trust.
People start to anticipatecriticism behind every
compliment, so even genuinepraise loses credibility.
So instead of motivating change, this method often triggers
(02:59):
defensiveness and makes itharder for feedback to land.
The brain's reaction is a bigpart of the problem.
Negative feedback, even whenintended to help, can set off a
threat response.
When people sense judgment,their guard goes up and they
become less able to processwhat's actually being said.
And this isn't just aboutwording.
(03:22):
It's about how the message isreceived on a basic neurological
level, and that's why evensmall critiques can lead to
outsized reactions and whyfeedback so often gets ignored
or even dismissed.
Even positive feedback canbackfire if it's not delivered
thoughtfully.
Research shows that praisingsomeone's ability saying things
(03:46):
such as you're so smart canactually make people more
risk-averse and less resilientin the face of setbacks.
In contrast, praise thatfocuses on effort, such as your
hard work really paid off,encourages determination and
better long-term performance.
The way feedback is framedshapes how people respond and
whether they feel safe toimprove.
(04:07):
Transactional analysis helpsexplain these reactions.
When feedback comes from anauthoritative or judgmental
parent stance, it often triggersa child response defensiveness,
resistance or even withdrawal.
You see this dynamic any time amanager says your report missed
the mark and the employeeeither shuts down or gets
(04:30):
defensive.
Now understand the feedbackisn't wrong, but the delivery
creates a power struggle insteadof a solution.
So shifting away from blame andfocusing on collaboration
changes everything.
Instead of judging what wentwrong, approach feedback as a
shared problem to solve, andthis mindset keeps people
(04:52):
engaged and opens the door toreal progress.
So let's talk about how to keepfeedback constructive and
focused on solutions.
Again, transactional analysis,a framework developed by Eric
Byrne, breaks down interactionsinto three ego states parent,
adult and child.
For feedback to land well, it'sessential to operate from the
(05:14):
adult state calm, objective andfocused on facts.
When feedback slips into acontrolling or judgmental parent
mode, it often triggers adefensive child reaction.
And you see this when a managersays that strategy was totally
wrong and the employee eithershuts down or starts making
excuses.
And these parent-child dynamicscreate resistance and stall
(05:38):
progress.
To avoid this trap, I rely onthe SBI model.
The SBI model is situation,behavior and impact.
It's a straightforward,research-backed method that
helps keep conversationsgrounded in observable facts,
and studies show that usingclear, specific examples reduces
(06:00):
defensiveness and keeps thediscussion productive.
For example, if a team memberinterrupts in meetings, instead
of labeling them as disruptive,you might say in yesterday's
brainstorm, that's a situation Inoticed.
You jumped in while Mario wasstill speaking three times.
That's the behavior.
After that, the group gotquieter and that's the impact.
(06:25):
This approach avoids personalattacks and clearly connects
actions to outcomes.
Timing is also important.
Research shows that feedbackuptake doubles when people ask
for it.
So instead of offering feedbackunprompted, try asking would
feedback be helpful right now?
Or want to review that pitchtogether.
This gives the other person asense of control and prepares
(06:47):
them to listen, lowering thechance of a defensive reaction.
Framing feedback with a futurefocus is another key element.
When you say how can we adjustthe timeline moving forward
instead of you missed thedeadline, you're actually
inviting collaboration andproblem solving.
So tying behavior to outcomes,not character, also makes a
(07:09):
difference.
For example, when the numberscame in late, finance had to
delay vendor payments.
That's impact based on feedbackclear, specific and difficult
to dispute.
You can lower resistance furtherby using language that
encourages ownership, forexample what do you think we
could tweak here?
(07:29):
Or by highlighting growth, forexample, what do you think we
could tweak here?
Or by highlighting growth?
Let's build on what worked.
These phrases keep theconversation centered on
solutions rather than blame.
Feedback works best when itfeels like a partnership, not a
punishment.
Shifting from you need to fixthis to what support would help
(07:51):
you.
Succeed here can dramaticallyreduce defensiveness and open
the door to real improvement.
Of course, even the clearest,most collaborative feedback
falls flat if it ignorespersonality differences.
So next we'll look at whytailoring your approach to
different personality types isjust as important as the message
itself.
Generic feedback frustrateseveryone involved because it
(08:12):
ignores something criticalpersonality differences.
The DISC model breaks peopleinto four main categories.
There's dominance, influence,steadiness and conscientiousness
.
Struggle with that wordConscientiousness Each responds
differently to feedback.
(08:32):
Overlooking these differencescan trigger resistance or cause
you to miss the opportunity forreal change.
Dominance people areresults-oriented and want direct
, concise feedback.
So you can skip soft openingslike maybe consider and just get
right to the point.
For example, here's whereproduction timeline slowed down.
(08:53):
How would you fix it?
This style values clarity andautonomy.
Just give them a clear problemand trust them to solve it,
especially when there aremeasurable outcomes.
Influenced people focus onrelationships and can take blunt
feedback.
Personally, harsh deliveryfeels like rejection, so it's
(09:13):
important to show support.
For example, I can tell you puta lot of work into this.
Let's work on making thefinancial section pop a little
bit more next time.
When they know you're investedin their growth, they're more
likely to engage and improve.
Stativeness people respond wellto calm, supportive and or
patient conversational feedback.
(09:34):
A bulleted email won't holdtheir attention.
Try a live call or face-to-faceconversation and say something
like how would you visualizethis update?
Keep them engaged by invitingtheir input, but be ready to
gently guide the discussion backon track if it drifts.
And then there is theconscientiousness people.
These detail-driven thinkerswant feedback grounded in
(09:58):
evidence and specifics.
Vague comments like yourreports need work aren't
effective.
Instead, use concrete examples,such as in the last three
proposals.
I noticed we left out marketcomparison data.
What do you think we shouldadjust?
This approach respects theirneed for logic and invites
(10:19):
collaboration.
Adding data helps even more.
For example, clientsatisfaction dropped 15% when
benchmarking wasn't included.
That's far better than ageneral critique.
In one large study, 57%preferred constructive critique
to empty praise, but only whenthe feedback matched their style
(10:41):
and needs.
If you're unsure which distylesomeone prefers, pretty much
observe how they give feedback.
Dominant people focus onoutcomes.
Influenced people are gentle.
Steadiness people tell stories.
And conscientiousness peopleuse data.
Mirroring their approachincreases buy-in and makes your
(11:04):
feedback more effective.
Tailoring your delivery resultsfor dominance, relationship
driven for influence, supportfor steadiness and accuracy for
conscientiousness people makesfeedback more actionable and
when your message fits theperson, it's far more likely to
inspire real improvement.
The final step is making sureyour feedback actually leads to
(11:26):
meaningful change, not just amomentary reaction.
Lasting improvement comes fromfeedback that looks ahead, not
backward.
People are more motivated byhere's what to try next time
than by reminders of pastmistakes.
Research shows feedback worksbest when it's fact-based,
future-focused and matched tothe listener's style a method
(11:49):
proven to reduce defensivenessand boost follow-through.
This week, try the SBI methodin your next one-on-one and let
me know what changes.
Adjust your approach for eachdisc style and watch how
resistance drops.
When your message fits how theythink.
The right words turn feedbackinto real progress.
So use them with intention.
Remember we look for progress,not perfection.
(12:13):
That's all for today.
Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free ebook the Top21 Challenges for Public
Speakers and how to Overcomethem.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking group.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that
helps you build the soft skillsthat lead to real results
Communication, storytelling,public speaking and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Next week, I will be away onvacation with my family.
(00:29):
On Monday, july 28th, therewill be a new episode with
Richard Reed as the guest.
You're going to get a ton ofvalue from his insights.
On Thursday, july 31st, therewill be a rerun of one of the
most asked-for topics and we'llbe back on a regular schedule
the following week with a newinterview episode on August 4th
(00:49):
and a new short instructionalepisode on August 7th.
As always, if you havequestions or comments, just
shoot me an email.
Now let's get into today'sepisode.
Have you ever received feedbackfrom a supervisor or co-worker
that you thought was just so badyou thought they were talking
to the wrong person?
Giving feedback is not as easyas saying you messed up.
(01:11):
Do better.
Giving feedback isn't aone-size-fits-all.
In fact, the way you deliverfeedback can make or break
workplace relationships, and itall comes down to understanding
personality differences.
The DISC model breaks peopledown into four main styles
dominance, conscientiousness,influence and steadiness.
(01:34):
Each style hears feedbackdifferently.
If you don't tell your message,you're likely to trigger
resistance instead of results.
But when you match yourapproach to the person's DIS
style, you build trust, reducefriction and help people improve
faster.
And that's why I put together apractical, personality-specific
(01:54):
feedback blueprint.
But before we get into how touse it, let's look at why most
feedback conversations miss themark.
Most feedback conversationsfall short because they trigger
resistance instead ofencouraging improvement.
One survey found that 38% of UKworkers have actually
considered leaving their jobsbecause of poor feedback.
(02:15):
That's a huge signal that theway feedback is delivered often
does more harm than good.
Employees say they wantfeedback, but when it comes they
rarely act on it.
The issue isn't a lack ofdesire.
It's that the feedback itselfmisses the mark.
One common culprit is theclassic feedback sandwich
(02:38):
offering praise, then criticismand then more praise by blending
positive and negative messageslike this actually undermines
trust.
People start to anticipatecriticism behind every
compliment, so even genuinepraise loses credibility.
So instead of motivating change, this method often triggers
(02:59):
defensiveness and makes itharder for feedback to land.
The brain's reaction is a bigpart of the problem.
Negative feedback, even whenintended to help, can set off a
threat response.
When people sense judgment,their guard goes up and they
become less able to processwhat's actually being said.
And this isn't just aboutwording.
(03:22):
It's about how the message isreceived on a basic neurological
level, and that's why evensmall critiques can lead to
outsized reactions and whyfeedback so often gets ignored
or even dismissed.
Even positive feedback canbackfire if it's not delivered
thoughtfully.
Research shows that praisingsomeone's ability saying things
(03:46):
such as you're so smart canactually make people more
risk-averse and less resilientin the face of setbacks.
In contrast, praise thatfocuses on effort, such as your
hard work really paid off,encourages determination and
better long-term performance.
The way feedback is framedshapes how people respond and
whether they feel safe toimprove.
(04:07):
Transactional analysis helpsexplain these reactions.
When feedback comes from anauthoritative or judgmental
parent stance, it often triggersa child response defensiveness,
resistance or even withdrawal.
You see this dynamic any time amanager says your report missed
the mark and the employeeeither shuts down or gets
(04:30):
defensive.
Now understand the feedbackisn't wrong, but the delivery
creates a power struggle insteadof a solution.
So shifting away from blame andfocusing on collaboration
changes everything.
Instead of judging what wentwrong, approach feedback as a
shared problem to solve, andthis mindset keeps people
(04:52):
engaged and opens the door toreal progress.
So let's talk about how to keepfeedback constructive and
focused on solutions.
Again, transactional analysis,a framework developed by Eric
Byrne, breaks down interactionsinto three ego states parent,
adult and child.
For feedback to land well, it'sessential to operate from the
(05:14):
adult state calm, objective andfocused on facts.
When feedback slips into acontrolling or judgmental parent
mode, it often triggers adefensive child reaction.
And you see this when a managersays that strategy was totally
wrong and the employee eithershuts down or starts making
excuses.
And these parent-child dynamicscreate resistance and stall
(05:38):
progress.
To avoid this trap, I rely onthe SBI model.
The SBI model is situation,behavior and impact.
It's a straightforward,research-backed method that
helps keep conversationsgrounded in observable facts,
and studies show that usingclear, specific examples reduces
(06:00):
defensiveness and keeps thediscussion productive.
For example, if a team memberinterrupts in meetings, instead
of labeling them as disruptive,you might say in yesterday's
brainstorm, that's a situation Inoticed.
You jumped in while Mario wasstill speaking three times.
That's the behavior.
After that, the group gotquieter and that's the impact.
(06:25):
This approach avoids personalattacks and clearly connects
actions to outcomes.
Timing is also important.
Research shows that feedbackuptake doubles when people ask
for it.
So instead of offering feedbackunprompted, try asking would
feedback be helpful right now?
Or want to review that pitchtogether.
This gives the other person asense of control and prepares
(06:47):
them to listen, lowering thechance of a defensive reaction.
Framing feedback with a futurefocus is another key element.
When you say how can we adjustthe timeline moving forward
instead of you missed thedeadline, you're actually
inviting collaboration andproblem solving.
So tying behavior to outcomes,not character, also makes a
(07:09):
difference.
For example, when the numberscame in late, finance had to
delay vendor payments.
That's impact based on feedbackclear, specific and difficult
to dispute.
You can lower resistance furtherby using language that
encourages ownership, forexample what do you think we
could tweak here?
(07:29):
Or by highlighting growth, forexample, what do you think we
could tweak here?
Or by highlighting growth?
Let's build on what worked.
These phrases keep theconversation centered on
solutions rather than blame.
Feedback works best when itfeels like a partnership, not a
punishment.
Shifting from you need to fixthis to what support would help
(07:51):
you.
Succeed here can dramaticallyreduce defensiveness and open
the door to real improvement.
Of course, even the clearest,most collaborative feedback
falls flat if it ignorespersonality differences.
So next we'll look at whytailoring your approach to
different personality types isjust as important as the message
itself.
Generic feedback frustrateseveryone involved because it
(08:12):
ignores something criticalpersonality differences.
The DISC model breaks peopleinto four main categories.
There's dominance, influence,steadiness and conscientiousness
.
Struggle with that wordConscientiousness Each responds
differently to feedback.
(08:32):
Overlooking these differencescan trigger resistance or cause
you to miss the opportunity forreal change.
Dominance people areresults-oriented and want direct
, concise feedback.
So you can skip soft openingslike maybe consider and just get
right to the point.
For example, here's whereproduction timeline slowed down.
(08:53):
How would you fix it?
This style values clarity andautonomy.
Just give them a clear problemand trust them to solve it,
especially when there aremeasurable outcomes.
Influenced people focus onrelationships and can take blunt
feedback.
Personally, harsh deliveryfeels like rejection, so it's
(09:13):
important to show support.
For example, I can tell you puta lot of work into this.
Let's work on making thefinancial section pop a little
bit more next time.
When they know you're investedin their growth, they're more
likely to engage and improve.
Stativeness people respond wellto calm, supportive and or
patient conversational feedback.
(09:34):
A bulleted email won't holdtheir attention.
Try a live call or face-to-faceconversation and say something
like how would you visualizethis update?
Keep them engaged by invitingtheir input, but be ready to
gently guide the discussion backon track if it drifts.
And then there is theconscientiousness people.
These detail-driven thinkerswant feedback grounded in
(09:58):
evidence and specifics.
Vague comments like yourreports need work aren't
effective.
Instead, use concrete examples,such as in the last three
proposals.
I noticed we left out marketcomparison data.
What do you think we shouldadjust?
This approach respects theirneed for logic and invites
(10:19):
collaboration.
Adding data helps even more.
For example, clientsatisfaction dropped 15% when
benchmarking wasn't included.
That's far better than ageneral critique.
In one large study, 57%preferred constructive critique
to empty praise, but only whenthe feedback matched their style
(10:41):
and needs.
If you're unsure which distylesomeone prefers, pretty much
observe how they give feedback.
Dominant people focus onoutcomes.
Influenced people are gentle.
Steadiness people tell stories.
And conscientiousness peopleuse data.
Mirroring their approachincreases buy-in and makes your
(11:04):
feedback more effective.
Tailoring your delivery resultsfor dominance, relationship
driven for influence, supportfor steadiness and accuracy for
conscientiousness people makesfeedback more actionable and
when your message fits theperson, it's far more likely to
inspire real improvement.
The final step is making sureyour feedback actually leads to
(11:26):
meaningful change, not just amomentary reaction.
Lasting improvement comes fromfeedback that looks ahead, not
backward.
People are more motivated byhere's what to try next time
than by reminders of pastmistakes.
Research shows feedback worksbest when it's fact-based,
future-focused and matched tothe listener's style a method
(11:49):
proven to reduce defensivenessand boost follow-through.
This week, try the SBI methodin your next one-on-one and let
me know what changes.
Adjust your approach for eachdisc style and watch how
resistance drops.
When your message fits how theythink.
The right words turn feedbackinto real progress.
So use them with intention.
Remember we look for progress,not perfection.
(12:13):
That's all for today.
Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free ebook the Top21 Challenges for Public
Speakers and how to Overcomethem.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking group.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
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