June 5, 2025 • 13 mins
Ever been told you’re “too serious” or “intimidating” before you even open your mouth? What if that exact energy could make you one of the most magnetic communicators in the room?
In this episode of Speaking With Confidence, I break down the science and strategy behind using humor, not to be the funniest person in the room, but to be the most impactful. From defusing tension in high-stakes meetings to building trust through shared imperfections, you’ll learn how humor unlocks deeper connection, boosts your credibility, and strengthens your leadership communication.
I share storytelling techniques, insights on the “Pratfall Effect,” and real-world tips for using situational and self-deprecating humor effectively. Whether you’re trying to overcome speaking anxiety, improve your presentation skills, or just not dread your next team meeting, this episode offers practical, powerful tools to help you connect with confidence.
In this episode:
- Why reserved or intense personalities actually amplify the power of humor
- How humor creates instant rapport and lowers communication barriers
- The psychology of shared laughter and how it signals connection
- When self-deprecating humor works, and when it backfires
- How to use humor to handle awkward silences and reset tense moments
- Why icebreakers usually fail (and what actually works)
Visit TimNewmanSpeaks.com to grab your free resource, The Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers and How to Overcome Them, and start building the confidence you deserve!
Want to level up your speaking skills? Register for the Forum for Public Speaking course at FormulaForPublicSpeaking.com
Want to be a guest on Speaking With Confidence? Send Tim Newman a message on PodMatch
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Formula for Public Speaking
Facebook
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tim (00:08):
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that
helps you build the soft skillsthat lead to real results
Communication, storytelling,public speaking and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
(00:31):
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Make sure you hit the subscribebutton so you never miss an
episode.
In this episode, I'm going totalk to you about how to use
humor to break the ice.
Raise your hand if you've everbeen told you look intimidating
when you're just thinking.
Maybe it's a serious face, thefocused eyes or that quiet
intensity.
Here's a secret.
What you think of as a socialbarrier is actually a hidden
(00:52):
advantage.
Your natural intensity canbecome a humor superpower.
When someone who seems reservedor serious finally cracks a
joke, the effect isunforgettable People are caught
off guard and the laughter isgenuine, especially when it's
unexpected, breaks down wallsand creates instant connection.
But why does a simple laughchange the entire dynamic
(01:15):
between strangers?
Understanding why humor is soeffective in building trust
starts with psychology behindthe shared experience.
When people laugh together, itsignals that they see the world
in a similar way, even if it'sjust for a moment and that
shared reaction lowers barriersand creates a sense of belonging
much faster than politeconversation ever could.
(01:37):
And there's research to supportthis.
A University of Georgia studyexamined how scientists
communicated online and foundthat those who used humor,
especially satire and playfullanguage, were seen as
significantly more credible thanthose who relied on
straightforward facts.
What's really interesting isthat the scientists' actual
(01:58):
expertise didn't change.
It was the delivery thatshifted how people perceived
them.
Humor didn't make them seemless professional.
If anything, it enhanced theirlegitimacy without sacrificing
authority, as described by Akerand Bagdonis' framework.
Of course, humor has to be usedthoughtfully.
Alexander Frank's researchreminds us that sarcasm, for
(02:21):
example, can backfire if itisn't clear that everyone is in
on the joke, and not all humorcreates connection.
If you make a joke about yourongoing feud with alarm clocks,
chances are most people willrelate, but if your punchline
revolves around your collectionof rare coins, you might leave
people scratching their heads.
The difference is simple.
(02:43):
Humor that draws on sharedexperiences brings people
together, while overly specificor niche jokes can leave some
feeling left out.
Many people hesitate to usehumor at all because of one
awkward moment in the past.
It could be in a joke that fellflat or a comment that was
misunderstood.
But steering clear of humorentirely is like never driving
(03:06):
again after you took a wrongturn.
The real skill is learning howto invite others into the laugh.
If a co-worker admits I'mterrible with names, I once
forgot my own you could just nodor you could say let me guess
you're also the person who saysyou too when the server tells
you to enjoy your meal, suddenlyit's a shared moment.
(03:29):
Humor also resets the mood in aroom, whether you're facing a
tense group of new hires or asilent Zoom call.
Acknowledging the awkwardnesswith a small joke can shift the
atmosphere and put everyone atease.
It's a way of redirecting theenergy, not pushing against it.
Still, not every attempt athumor lands, especially in
(03:52):
situations where people feel puton the spot, and that's where
icebreakers come in.
But, as you've probably noticed, not all icebreakers make
things easier.
There's nothing quite likebeing put on the spot with a
generic prompt share a fun factabout yourself and feel, in your
mind, go blank.
These standard icebreakersoften highlight how little we
(04:13):
know about one another, makingthe moment even more
uncomfortable.
Research and facilitator bestpractices show that predictable
questions like where are youfrom or what do you do tend to
amplify that awkwardness, notreduce it.
They remind us of the distancebetween us rather than bridging
it.
Contrast it with teams whostart meetings by swapping
(04:35):
stories about wardrobe disastersor embarrassing moments.
Suddenly, people aren't definedby their job titles.
Someone becomes the guy whowore Crocs to a wedding or the
woman who once rocked frostyblue eyeshadow.
These moments of sharedembarrassment build instant
rapport.
When everyone has a funny failto admit, the barriers drop and
(04:58):
the room feels lighter.
This effect comes from the wayour brains respond to shared
experiences.
Observational humor, liketalking about elevator mishaps
or autocorrect fails or thestruggle of opening stubborn
packaging, creates a sense offamiliarity.
Controlled studies have shownthat when people laugh together
about daily frustrations, theyconnect more quickly than they
(05:21):
would talk about theirachievements.
If you mention spilling coffeeon your shirt before a big
meeting, most people will nod inrecognition, not judge you.
It's relatable and it signalsyou're not alone.
Specificity is important.
Asking what's your hobby canfeel vague or even intimidating,
(05:41):
but if you ask what's the mostuseless thing you're weirdly
good at, you'll get confessionsabout identifying fonts or
folding fitted sheets withmilitary precision.
These kinds of questions invitepeople to share quirks, not
just credentials.
Timing and topic matter too.
For example, pop culturereferences can fall flat if the
(06:03):
group doesn't share the samebackground, but universal
experiences like tangled earbuds, flat soda or wrestling with
Wi-Fi strike a chord almostevery time the best icebreakers
don't announce themselves assuch.
A manager once started ameeting by inviting everyone to
share their worst vacation photo.
Participation soared becauseeveryone seemed to have a crimsy
(06:26):
beach veil or travel mishapthey were eager to share.
The trick isn't coming up withsomething clever.
It's about noticing what'salready true and naming it in a
way that brings people in.
When someone points out howconference landers always flip
the wrong way, everyone relaxes.
Humor at its best is a gentleinvitation to connect, and
(06:48):
sometimes it's a self-awareadmission of awkwardness that
opens the door to realconversation.
There's another side to usinghumor to connect Knowing how to
laugh at yourself without losingcredibility.
Self-deprecating humor, whenused well, can make you more
approachable and relatable, butif you're not careful it can
(07:09):
also undermine your confidencein the eyes of others.
The key is understanding whenand how to use it.
Take Abraham Lincoln, forexample.
When accused of being two-faced, he famously replied if I had
two faces, would I be wearingthis one.
That line worked becauseLincoln already had respect to
his audience and hisself-awareness made him more
(07:30):
likable, not less confident.
And this is a classic case ofwhat psychologists call the
Pratt-Fall effect, and this wasfirst described by Elliot
Aronson.
And Aronson's research showedthat when high-sass individuals
admit to small, harmless flaws,it actually increases their
likability.
But for someone who hasn't yetearned respect or credibility,
(07:52):
self-deprecating jokes canbackfire, making them seem less
capable, and that distinctionmatters.
Healthy self-deprecation whatresearchers call affiliative
humor uses light, inclusivejokes that invite others to
relate rather than puttingyourself down, for example, as
very well, mine points out.
Saying something like I alwaysforget where I parked at the
(08:14):
mall can diffuse tension andmake someone seem more human,
especially in a position ofleadership.
It's a way of showing you don'ttake yourself too seriously,
which can lower barriers andbuild trust.
On the other hand,self-defeating humor, constantly
joking about your ownincompetence or flaws, can send
the wrong message.
(08:35):
If someone new to a team keepssaying I have no idea what I'm
doing, it doesn't come across asconfidence or approachability.
Instead, it can quietlyconvince others that they might
actually be over their head.
The difference lies in bothstatus and intent.
Leaders and those alreadyrespected, can use
self-deprecation to humanizethemselves, but for others it's
(08:58):
safer to keep the jokes lightand situational, not about core
abilities.
If you want yourself-deprecating humor to land,
there are a few simpleguidelines.
First, establish credibilitybefore poking fun at yourself.
Second, be specific andrelatable.
For example, I can never fold afitted sheet right works better
(09:19):
than I'm a mess.
Third, show growth orself-awareness, like joking
about learning from pastmistakes.
Remember the goal isn't toundermine yourself, but to
invite others to share in thehumor.
Sometimes, though, evenwell-intentioned humor can go
wrong, especially when tensionsare high or the stakes are real.
(09:40):
That's when it becomes crucialto read the room and adjust your
approach.
There are moments when humorhas to do more than just
entertain.
It needs to take the edge off atense situation without making
things worse.
Picture this A team is reelingfrom bad news and someone tries
to lighten the mood with a jokeabout printer breaking.
If the timing or target is off,the joke can make things even
(10:04):
more uncomfortable.
But when used well, humor canreduce stress and tension in
high-stakes settings.
As workplace studies by Mesmer,magnus and colleagues have
shown, the trick is to keep thehumor focused on the situation,
not on individuals.
Research in negotiation tacticsreveals that jokes about
(10:25):
sharing frustrations or theabsurdity of a scenario help
everyone feel like they're in ittogether.
For example, our timeline hasmore detours than GPS with trust
issues.
It's a laugh because it's aboutthe process and not the people.
On the other hand, making itpersonal you're about as
punctual as a teenager canquickly backfire and damage
(10:48):
relationships.
Situational humor, especiallywhen it highlights universal
annoyances, works across a rangeof environments.
Organizational case studiesoften point to Southwest
Airlines, where flightattendants use lighthearted
announcements and jokes to calmnervous passengers and increase
satisfaction.
The humor isn't random.
(11:09):
It's about shared experiences,like the challenge of finding a
seat or dealing with turbulence,which helps everyone feel more
at ease.
The best tension breakersfollow a few simple principles.
First, call out frustrationeveryone recognizes.
For example, we've hit the.
Whose idea was this phase ofthe project?
(11:30):
Second, use mild exaggerationlike this spreadsheet has more
tabs than my browser after aYouTube rabbit hole.
And third, invite others tojoin in.
Someone say something smart soI can pretend it was my idea.
These approaches create a senseof camaraderie and help people
(11:52):
relax, even in high-pressuresituations.
Even in places like hospitals,humor has been used to reduce
complaints and ease difficultconversations.
For example, a nurse might saythe good news, you'll have
plenty of time to perfect yourinsurance signature, and
patients feel seen rather thandismissed.
The point isn't to ignore theseriousness of the moment, but
(12:19):
to give people a way to breathe.
Sometimes a single well-placedjoke can reset the mood entirely
.
When a keynote speaker wasinterrupted by a fire alarm,
they quipped.
I knew I was running long, butthis feels a little dramatic.
That quick moment of levitydidn't solve the problem, but it
gave everyone permission toexhale and regroup.
Ultimately, the power of humorin tense moments isn't about
(12:40):
being the funniest person in theroom.
It's about tuning in to whatothers are feeling and giving
them a little space to let go,even for a moment.
Humor at its core is aboutrecognizing what others
experience but rarely voice.
It's a tool for building trustand connection, not just a way
to get laughs.
Charismatic people use humor tomake others feel seen and
(13:02):
understood, and organizationalstudies consistently show that
teams that share lightsituational humor, especially
around everyday frustrations,develop stronger cohesion and
trust.
If you want to try this out,skip the usual small talk.
Instead of asking about jobtitles, invite someone to share
a story about a daily mishap,like a memorable coffee spill or
(13:23):
tangled headphone disaster,you'll find that people open up
more easily over sharedimperfections.
That natural seriousness youcarry.
It sets the stage for yourhumor to have even more impact.
That's all for today.
Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free ebook Top 21Challenges for Public Speakers
(13:46):
and how to Overcome them.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking course
.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that
helps you build the soft skillsthat lead to real results
Communication, storytelling,public speaking and showing up
with confidence in everyconversation that counts.
I'm Tim Newman, a recoveringcollege professor turned
communication coach, and I'mthrilled to guide you on your
(00:31):
journey to becoming a powerfulcommunicator.
Make sure you hit the subscribebutton so you never miss an
episode.
In this episode, I'm going totalk to you about how to use
humor to break the ice.
Raise your hand if you've everbeen told you look intimidating
when you're just thinking.
Maybe it's a serious face, thefocused eyes or that quiet
intensity.
Here's a secret.
What you think of as a socialbarrier is actually a hidden
(00:52):
advantage.
Your natural intensity canbecome a humor superpower.
When someone who seems reservedor serious finally cracks a
joke, the effect isunforgettable People are caught
off guard and the laughter isgenuine, especially when it's
unexpected, breaks down wallsand creates instant connection.
But why does a simple laughchange the entire dynamic
(01:15):
between strangers?
Understanding why humor is soeffective in building trust
starts with psychology behindthe shared experience.
When people laugh together, itsignals that they see the world
in a similar way, even if it'sjust for a moment and that
shared reaction lowers barriersand creates a sense of belonging
much faster than politeconversation ever could.
(01:37):
And there's research to supportthis.
A University of Georgia studyexamined how scientists
communicated online and foundthat those who used humor,
especially satire and playfullanguage, were seen as
significantly more credible thanthose who relied on
straightforward facts.
What's really interesting isthat the scientists' actual
(01:58):
expertise didn't change.
It was the delivery thatshifted how people perceived
them.
Humor didn't make them seemless professional.
If anything, it enhanced theirlegitimacy without sacrificing
authority, as described by Akerand Bagdonis' framework.
Of course, humor has to be usedthoughtfully.
Alexander Frank's researchreminds us that sarcasm, for
(02:21):
example, can backfire if itisn't clear that everyone is in
on the joke, and not all humorcreates connection.
If you make a joke about yourongoing feud with alarm clocks,
chances are most people willrelate, but if your punchline
revolves around your collectionof rare coins, you might leave
people scratching their heads.
The difference is simple.
(02:43):
Humor that draws on sharedexperiences brings people
together, while overly specificor niche jokes can leave some
feeling left out.
Many people hesitate to usehumor at all because of one
awkward moment in the past.
It could be in a joke that fellflat or a comment that was
misunderstood.
But steering clear of humorentirely is like never driving
(03:06):
again after you took a wrongturn.
The real skill is learning howto invite others into the laugh.
If a co-worker admits I'mterrible with names, I once
forgot my own you could just nodor you could say let me guess
you're also the person who saysyou too when the server tells
you to enjoy your meal, suddenlyit's a shared moment.
(03:29):
Humor also resets the mood in aroom, whether you're facing a
tense group of new hires or asilent Zoom call.
Acknowledging the awkwardnesswith a small joke can shift the
atmosphere and put everyone atease.
It's a way of redirecting theenergy, not pushing against it.
Still, not every attempt athumor lands, especially in
(03:52):
situations where people feel puton the spot, and that's where
icebreakers come in.
But, as you've probably noticed, not all icebreakers make
things easier.
There's nothing quite likebeing put on the spot with a
generic prompt share a fun factabout yourself and feel, in your
mind, go blank.
These standard icebreakersoften highlight how little we
(04:13):
know about one another, makingthe moment even more
uncomfortable.
Research and facilitator bestpractices show that predictable
questions like where are youfrom or what do you do tend to
amplify that awkwardness, notreduce it.
They remind us of the distancebetween us rather than bridging
it.
Contrast it with teams whostart meetings by swapping
(04:35):
stories about wardrobe disastersor embarrassing moments.
Suddenly, people aren't definedby their job titles.
Someone becomes the guy whowore Crocs to a wedding or the
woman who once rocked frostyblue eyeshadow.
These moments of sharedembarrassment build instant
rapport.
When everyone has a funny failto admit, the barriers drop and
(04:58):
the room feels lighter.
This effect comes from the wayour brains respond to shared
experiences.
Observational humor, liketalking about elevator mishaps
or autocorrect fails or thestruggle of opening stubborn
packaging, creates a sense offamiliarity.
Controlled studies have shownthat when people laugh together
about daily frustrations, theyconnect more quickly than they
(05:21):
would talk about theirachievements.
If you mention spilling coffeeon your shirt before a big
meeting, most people will nod inrecognition, not judge you.
It's relatable and it signalsyou're not alone.
Specificity is important.
Asking what's your hobby canfeel vague or even intimidating,
(05:41):
but if you ask what's the mostuseless thing you're weirdly
good at, you'll get confessionsabout identifying fonts or
folding fitted sheets withmilitary precision.
These kinds of questions invitepeople to share quirks, not
just credentials.
Timing and topic matter too.
For example, pop culturereferences can fall flat if the
(06:03):
group doesn't share the samebackground, but universal
experiences like tangled earbuds, flat soda or wrestling with
Wi-Fi strike a chord almostevery time the best icebreakers
don't announce themselves assuch.
A manager once started ameeting by inviting everyone to
share their worst vacation photo.
Participation soared becauseeveryone seemed to have a crimsy
(06:26):
beach veil or travel mishapthey were eager to share.
The trick isn't coming up withsomething clever.
It's about noticing what'salready true and naming it in a
way that brings people in.
When someone points out howconference landers always flip
the wrong way, everyone relaxes.
Humor at its best is a gentleinvitation to connect, and
(06:48):
sometimes it's a self-awareadmission of awkwardness that
opens the door to realconversation.
There's another side to usinghumor to connect Knowing how to
laugh at yourself without losingcredibility.
Self-deprecating humor, whenused well, can make you more
approachable and relatable, butif you're not careful it can
(07:09):
also undermine your confidencein the eyes of others.
The key is understanding whenand how to use it.
Take Abraham Lincoln, forexample.
When accused of being two-faced, he famously replied if I had
two faces, would I be wearingthis one.
That line worked becauseLincoln already had respect to
his audience and hisself-awareness made him more
(07:30):
likable, not less confident.
And this is a classic case ofwhat psychologists call the
Pratt-Fall effect, and this wasfirst described by Elliot
Aronson.
And Aronson's research showedthat when high-sass individuals
admit to small, harmless flaws,it actually increases their
likability.
But for someone who hasn't yetearned respect or credibility,
(07:52):
self-deprecating jokes canbackfire, making them seem less
capable, and that distinctionmatters.
Healthy self-deprecation whatresearchers call affiliative
humor uses light, inclusivejokes that invite others to
relate rather than puttingyourself down, for example, as
very well, mine points out.
Saying something like I alwaysforget where I parked at the
(08:14):
mall can diffuse tension andmake someone seem more human,
especially in a position ofleadership.
It's a way of showing you don'ttake yourself too seriously,
which can lower barriers andbuild trust.
On the other hand,self-defeating humor, constantly
joking about your ownincompetence or flaws, can send
the wrong message.
(08:35):
If someone new to a team keepssaying I have no idea what I'm
doing, it doesn't come across asconfidence or approachability.
Instead, it can quietlyconvince others that they might
actually be over their head.
The difference lies in bothstatus and intent.
Leaders and those alreadyrespected, can use
self-deprecation to humanizethemselves, but for others it's
(08:58):
safer to keep the jokes lightand situational, not about core
abilities.
If you want yourself-deprecating humor to land,
there are a few simpleguidelines.
First, establish credibilitybefore poking fun at yourself.
Second, be specific andrelatable.
For example, I can never fold afitted sheet right works better
(09:19):
than I'm a mess.
Third, show growth orself-awareness, like joking
about learning from pastmistakes.
Remember the goal isn't toundermine yourself, but to
invite others to share in thehumor.
Sometimes, though, evenwell-intentioned humor can go
wrong, especially when tensionsare high or the stakes are real.
(09:40):
That's when it becomes crucialto read the room and adjust your
approach.
There are moments when humorhas to do more than just
entertain.
It needs to take the edge off atense situation without making
things worse.
Picture this A team is reelingfrom bad news and someone tries
to lighten the mood with a jokeabout printer breaking.
If the timing or target is off,the joke can make things even
(10:04):
more uncomfortable.
But when used well, humor canreduce stress and tension in
high-stakes settings.
As workplace studies by Mesmer,magnus and colleagues have
shown, the trick is to keep thehumor focused on the situation,
not on individuals.
Research in negotiation tacticsreveals that jokes about
(10:25):
sharing frustrations or theabsurdity of a scenario help
everyone feel like they're in ittogether.
For example, our timeline hasmore detours than GPS with trust
issues.
It's a laugh because it's aboutthe process and not the people.
On the other hand, making itpersonal you're about as
punctual as a teenager canquickly backfire and damage
(10:48):
relationships.
Situational humor, especiallywhen it highlights universal
annoyances, works across a rangeof environments.
Organizational case studiesoften point to Southwest
Airlines, where flightattendants use lighthearted
announcements and jokes to calmnervous passengers and increase
satisfaction.
The humor isn't random.
(11:09):
It's about shared experiences,like the challenge of finding a
seat or dealing with turbulence,which helps everyone feel more
at ease.
The best tension breakersfollow a few simple principles.
First, call out frustrationeveryone recognizes.
For example, we've hit the.
Whose idea was this phase ofthe project?
(11:30):
Second, use mild exaggerationlike this spreadsheet has more
tabs than my browser after aYouTube rabbit hole.
And third, invite others tojoin in.
Someone say something smart soI can pretend it was my idea.
These approaches create a senseof camaraderie and help people
(11:52):
relax, even in high-pressuresituations.
Even in places like hospitals,humor has been used to reduce
complaints and ease difficultconversations.
For example, a nurse might saythe good news, you'll have
plenty of time to perfect yourinsurance signature, and
patients feel seen rather thandismissed.
The point isn't to ignore theseriousness of the moment, but
(12:19):
to give people a way to breathe.
Sometimes a single well-placedjoke can reset the mood entirely
.
When a keynote speaker wasinterrupted by a fire alarm,
they quipped.
I knew I was running long, butthis feels a little dramatic.
That quick moment of levitydidn't solve the problem, but it
gave everyone permission toexhale and regroup.
Ultimately, the power of humorin tense moments isn't about
(12:40):
being the funniest person in theroom.
It's about tuning in to whatothers are feeling and giving
them a little space to let go,even for a moment.
Humor at its core is aboutrecognizing what others
experience but rarely voice.
It's a tool for building trustand connection, not just a way
to get laughs.
Charismatic people use humor tomake others feel seen and
(13:02):
understood, and organizationalstudies consistently show that
teams that share lightsituational humor, especially
around everyday frustrations,develop stronger cohesion and
trust.
If you want to try this out,skip the usual small talk.
Instead of asking about jobtitles, invite someone to share
a story about a daily mishap,like a memorable coffee spill or
(13:23):
tangled headphone disaster,you'll find that people open up
more easily over sharedimperfections.
That natural seriousness youcarry.
It sets the stage for yourhumor to have even more impact.
That's all for today.
Be sure to visitspeakingwithconfidencepodcastcom
to get your free ebook Top 21Challenges for Public Speakers
(13:46):
and how to Overcome them.
You can also register for theForum for Public Speaking course
.
Always remember your voice hasthe power to change the world.
We'll talk to you next time,take care.
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