May 29, 2024 • 53 mins
This is my human summary, and below the ** is the AI summary, which I left in unedited because it's weird/interesting.
In this episode I talk freely about my recent realizations re: eating whatever I want, and as much of it as I want, is key to healing the feminine in this body.
Detailing disordered eating recovery, and what I wish I knew before I spent 3 years on the ketogenic diet (including my experience with hormone disruption, which I discovered when I did an egg freezing procedure), and legit healing gluten intolerance and fatphobia.
I also share a way social good organizations can get free money while working with Seeds to build an alternative to late-stage capitalism via a $10 million mutual aid pool.
**
Have you ever wondered how balancing feminine energy could change your life and the world around you? Join me on "Spiritual Crypto" as I share my transformative journey from TikTok to YouTube, maintaining a calming, therapeutic vibe in each episode. This week, I focus on grounding feminine energy on Earth, recounting my struggles with physical health and restrictive diets like keto, and my mission to uplift feminine energy through creative and spiritual endeavors.
Navigating through high copper levels, H. pylori, and severe gluten intolerance, I learned the hard way that restrictive diets only go so far. Inspired by YouTuber Kayla Kotecki, I embraced the concept of "going all in" with unrestricted eating to rebuild trust with my body and reconnect with natural hunger cues. This path hasn't been easy, but it has led to overcoming food-related fears, tackling diet culture toxicity, and striving for genuine enjoyment of life in a healthier body.
On a larger scale, I explore innovative ways to channel cryptocurrency profits towards social good. Frustrated by the vast wealth accumulated by crypto enthusiasts, I propose partnerships with social enterprises and nonprofits to create a decentralized marketplace through Seeds. Imagine a $10 million mutual aid pool to support communities and creative projects, using crypto for meaningful change. I also share my vision of a YouTube series documenting the ups and downs of being a female cryptocurrency founder, aiming to inspire and break through systemic barriers. Join me on this journey of personal growth, social innovation, and the power of feminine energy.
The free Vipassana meditation courses I recommend to beginners: dhamma.org
My YouTube channel is @transcendcapitalism. Come say hi!
Learn more about Seeds: https://bit.ly/build-abundance
Help someone in need & receive SEEDS in thanks 💗: https://www.seedsgives.com/help
Join our course (it supports Seeds so we can help folks in need, & because it includes SEEDS, it's effectively free): https://www.seedsgives.com/course-registration
Schedule a 1-on-1 session: https://www.seedsgives.com/one-on-one
Hang in our Discord: https://discord.com/invite/J8F5AdJ9mz
Get SEEDS on Uniswap: https://app.uniswap.org/explore/tokens/ethereum/0x61404d2d3f2100b124d6827d3f2ddf6233cd71c0
LP in the SEEDS mutual aid pool on Uniswap: https://app.uniswap.org/add/ETH/0x61404D2D3f2100b124D6827D3F2DDf6233cd71C0/3000
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I thought I'd do another episode of Spiritual
Crypto.
I was meditating when I got uptoday and the idea just came in
my mind, even though I hadn'tbeen thinking about doing this
at all, and I got excited aboutit.
So it seemed like it wassomething I should do and I just
wanted to do it.
And I like how these are, likeyou know, lo-fi, like I've been
trying to put more effort intoYouTube for the last almost four
(00:24):
months now and I'm gettingbetter at editing and whatever.
And yeah, I just shifted myefforts from like I used to post
on TikTok a lot and decided tocome to YouTube instead because
TikTok like the energy's notworking there anymore.
I can't reach people throughTikTok anymore.
And I like how, when I've donethese spiritual crypto
(00:45):
recordings in the past, I alsoassume like barely anyone would
listen to them and if thatchanges as my audience grows, I
want to try and not let itaffect how I'm approaching these
.
So today I really wanted tocome in like looking like I look
with no makeup and sits andwhatever, and like, yeah, and
(01:06):
just talk.
I always wanted to treat theseas like a lo-fi, sort of like
therapy session.
So that's what I'm going to tryto continue to do, and there
has been a lot going on that I'dlike to talk through and share.
And the biggest sort ofpersonal thing I guess is which
relates to everything I'm tryingto do through seeds and
(01:26):
intersects with cryptocurrencyand everything, because I'm so
clear that feminine energy andsupporting the grounding of
feminine energy on earth andbuilding new systems that
actually have a healthy amountof feminine energy imbued within
them, instead of an entire,like a total neglect of the idea
(01:47):
of feminine energy whatsoever,like the old economic system has
.
Like I know that that's whatI'm here to do and I'm trying.
And something I was clear onfor a while is that like
connecting to this body, bywhich I mean the body that I am
in my body, although it feelsweird to call it my body, which
(02:11):
is another philosophicalconversation I guess we could
have, but I have never feltdropped into it.
I like being physically active.
I'm a good natural athlete.
I've always enjoyed beingactive and like played sports
when I was a kid and whatever,but like I enjoyed it.
And then as an adult, I likedrunning.
(02:32):
I mean, I still like just anykind of athletic activity, but I
would run.
I've done like I don't know,maybe like 11 half marathons or
so, and I did an army 10 milerthat got rerouted because of a
bomb threat, so it was like 11.2miles instead.
And I've done two marathons,and never very fast.
(02:53):
I did one half.
That was like at a sort ofrespectable time, but I'm just
trying to share that.
I could ground in my bodyenough to do those things and I
enjoyed it.
I liked working out.
I think I'm also naturallystrong.
I liked lifting, and in the pastfew years my health has started
(03:15):
to get fucked up and I didn'treally understand what was going
on.
I'm not that old yet.
I just turned 40.
I didn't think, like it didn'toccur to me, that I would be in
something I would consider to bean unhealthy physical state at
such a young age.
And what I eventually realizedis that a lot of what fucked it
up was the keto diet and justgenerally being on restrictive
(03:36):
diets for large portions of mylife.
And I know that I'm not.
That's not atypical, especiallyfor a woman in the West,
because there's so much dietculture here, and also I mean, I
know that in Asian cultures too, there's a lot of sort of a
focus on not being fat.
So it's certainly not likeexclusive to the West, but what
(04:00):
I'm trying to say is like I justdidn't know, something I'm
about to share that I thinkwould help a lot of people.
It would have really helped meif I knew it sooner, but I'm so
glad I know it now.
But to share the story in moredepth, okay.
So like I had also, like quoteunquote, struggled with my
weights, which is also fuck thattoo, because, like it's just
what society says you'resupposed to be.
(04:21):
I'd mentioned this in somethingI recorded not too long ago,
but when I got like a DNA testeventually it said that like,
genetically I'm predisposed tobeing 5% over quote unquote
overweight, and we all know thatBMI is nonsense and it's
whatever.
So, generally speaking, fuckall of that cultural stuff.
But at the same time I did feellike my body, for the most part
(04:45):
as an adult and for most of mylife, like not wanted to be
thinner, but like something Icouldn't land in it either.
Like, so what I got clear on inrecent years was that it just
felt like I have to land in thisbody, like understanding,
feminine energy and theexperience on earth and stuff is
(05:07):
so much about.
I think in some ways about thetactile, about engaging with
earth through the senses, andbeing in a female body has
benefits in terms of allowingsomebody to understand that, I
think.
But I also just feel somasculine and I know I have a
lot of masculine energy in likemy zodiacal chart and whatever
(05:29):
my birth chart.
It just felt like landing inthis body was like key to
progressing in the, through thenext steps in what seems to be
my life's mission, which isabout uplifting feminine energy
and doing that through seeds andthen like through films that I
want to make down the line andTV shows and stuff, artistic
(05:51):
projects, and I just couldn't doit.
And when I got on the keto dietI mean I researched it in
advance and everything and Istarted it.
It was in like thing and Istarted it.
It was in like I think it wasOctober of 2018.
(06:12):
And I was living in SouthPasadena at that time and I was
what 34 years old and like.
So I started the diet and thenext year, earlier in the year,
I went to France to go to clownschool, which I later got kicked
out of and continued the dietthere and whatever.
I got down eventually to aweight that I hadn't seen since
(06:34):
I was about 15 years old and itwasn't the BMI chart would not
say that it was too thin.
It was probably a BMI too thin,it was probably a BMI I never
like.
I mean, I could calculate BMIand I had, but I never did like
a DEXA scan to like actually seewhat body fat percentage was
and stuff.
Bmi wasn't lower than like 23.
And like eating disorder people, I think, say you don't need to
(06:58):
worry until it's like 18.5.
So much lower than what I wasat.
But I also always carried extramuscle, just kind of have a
little bit more muscle, I think.
Then like naturally then maybeis typical for most females, I
don't know whatever and I havelike broad shoulders and stuff.
And so I was on this diet and Igot down to this weight and I
(07:21):
did it without running.
I wasn't like I mean, there areperiods in my life where I was
running seven miles every day,which also is disordered.
It wasn't entirely something Iwas doing out of a healthy
compulsion, so that's part ofthis too, but anyway.
So I got down to that weightand then I started restricting
my calories even more.
(07:41):
I was aware that my maintenancecalories seemed to be like
2,300 or so a day and I cutcalories to about 1,700 calories
a day and I was trackingmeticulously and dropped more
weight, and that's when Istarted to have all of these
visible external problems.
Suddenly, it seemed like I wasintolerant of every food, like
so many foods.
(08:02):
I took these food intolerancetests and it was dozens and
dozens of foods that I wasapparently now having a reaction
to.
My armpits started itching alot and I started having this
insane, uncomfortable bloatingand eventually, yeah, my hair
started falling out.
It wasn't like noticeable toother people falling out, it
(08:27):
wasn't like noticeable to otherpeople, but like chunks of it
would come out and my menstrualcycle got way shorter and my
period itself got shorter.
So like I never lost my period,but it got way shorter.
It was very different than itused to be and around that time,
within that time period becauseI was on the keto diet for like
three years before I understoodthat I needed to get the fuck
off of it I did an egg freezewhile I was still 36, just
(08:52):
before I turned 37.
And it was weird because itlooked like things were going
really well, especially, I guess, for like an almost 37-year-old
.
I had like 22 follicles thatthey thought could mature, so
they thought they could get 22eggs, which is good for somebody
that age.
And I was so responsive to theestrogen or whatever female
(09:16):
hormones probably not just theestrogen, I don't remember every
hormone I was on but they cutwhat's called the trigger shot
in half.
So before you go in for theprocedure for anyone who doesn't
know you give yourself what'scalled this trigger shot.
Um, and it's what causes you toovulate, like all 20 or
(09:37):
whatever eggs at the same time,so that they can then like
harvest them whenever you go infor the procedure, and I think
you have to do that.
I believe it was the nightbefore I had to go in for like
the morning of the surgery, andso they cut that shot in half
because they thought I was soresponsive that they were
worried that if they kept it atlike the typical dosage, that I
would like ovulate too fast orsomething and they would lose
(09:57):
all the eggs.
And they fucked it up and theyonly ended up getting five eggs.
Uh, they fucked it up and theyonly ended up getting five eggs,
which was like verydisappointing, but more than
that, this made me start tobecome aware of what was going
on for me hormonally and how outof whack my hormones had become
as well.
No-transcript and I can.
(10:30):
If you are watching this andyou want me to check to be more
specific, I'm happy to do so.
But yeah, just the hormones wereout of whack and then I started
taking supplements to help withthat and then suddenly I had
too much testosterone and Inoticed that I was a lot angrier
a lot of the time and it wasjust a mess and I couldn't
figure out what was going on andI didn't trust like certainly
(10:52):
traditional Western doctors tohelp.
But I went to registereddietitians, and that's the thing
too.
I remember going to twodifferent registered dietitians
and the first one told me that Iregistered dietitians and the
first one told me that I wasn'teating enough, and I didn't
believe her, because how could Inot be eating enough?
Because I wasn't too skinny.
(11:12):
And then the second one told methat I wasn't eating enough
carbs and so I should share that.
So gradually over time, withthese health issues, I started
to realize like it seems like Ineed to introduce carbs back
into my diet, because on theketo diet you're eating like 20
net carbs a day, up to like 50net carbs a day or so, but I
kept mine pretty low and that'sa really low amount of carbs and
(11:36):
the body just isn't designed tobe on a diet like that for a
long, extended period of time.
It's meant to be able to havethat adaption because of periods
of starvation where, like,glycogen sources weren't
available.
I guess that's how I understandthis and I didn't know this.
And so like so much in fuckinglike medical research, you know,
(11:59):
just focuses on fucking men, solike there wasn't a lot of
research out there about whatthis does to female bodies and I
just didn't know.
So it also wildly disrupted myhormones.
So I did start introducingcarbs back in.
But then I started trying tofigure out what was going on,
because the bloating inparticular was like the most
(12:20):
uncomfortable thing and I wasdiagnosed with SIBO.
What does that stand for?
Small intestine something,something You're just bloated
all the time and you'reuncomfortable and it's pretty
awful actually and I would treatit and then like it would go
away but it would come back.
And the second RD I talked toregistered dietitian who told me
(12:41):
I still wasn't eating enoughcarbs, which made sense.
She was the only person of allthese like professionals and
specialists or whatever that Italked to, excuse me who made me
understand that, like you getSIBO because your system, your
digestive system, becomesdepressed because you're not
bringing in enough nutrients andso your body's like oh okay,
(13:04):
that's not an essential system,we need to conserve energy for
other purposes.
So, like, your digestion justgets fucked up and so does your
reproductive system, which iswhy, you know, people lose their
periods, or, like in my case,my period just got a lot shorter
and just was like way differentand not healthy, like it had
been for the entirety of my lifeup to that time.
And I just didn't know.
(13:26):
No one fucking told me.
That registered dietitian atleast helped me understand some
stuff.
But I remember at that pointwhen I talked to her, I was also
starting to gain weight and Ididn't understand what was going
on.
And it was just coming on andit was like it wasn't stopping,
but I thought maybe it was goingto stop soon.
I was getting like toward theupper end of a range that I had
(13:47):
been in before, but it was justlike I was.
I don't know, I wasn't likefreaked out, freaked out, but I
didn't.
You know, it was uncomfortableto just be gaining this weight
and not knowing what was goingon.
And then on top of that, I hadlike back issues too.
So exercise, like running sevenmiles, wasn't something that I
could do anymore because my backwas fucked up, so it was just
(14:12):
whatever.
And then I eventually foundanother holistic person I might
even have talked about herbefore on this who like
diagnosed high copper and Hpylori and severe gluten
intolerance and there probablywas something else in there.
So she started me on this likesupplemental regime to address
(14:33):
these issues and I felt a littlebetter.
But it also just like kind ofdidn't make sense because it was
like I didn't used to beintolerant of gluten.
I used to eat shit, tons ofgluten and I like bread and
whatever.
And I didn't like this idea oflike I'm just gonna used to eat
shit, tons of gluten and I likebread and whatever, and I didn't
like this idea of like I'm justgonna have to eat this way for
the rest of my life, like what.
And also there were otherthings like this person was like
(14:55):
getting a percentage of thesupplements that were sold and
she wasn't transparent aboutthat.
So she was the best that I'dfound, like the person who
seemed to kind of understandwhat was going on to some extent
, and she'd come from veryrestrictive diets in the past
herself and was no longer onthem.
So that seemed right.
(15:15):
It seemed like I needed to getaway from that sort of
restriction, but it still wasn'tquite right, like.
So, like in the last severalmonths the last time I talked to
her was maybe five or sixmonths ago I kept thinking like,
oh, should I reach out to heragain and schedule another
session?
And I kept not doing it and Ididn't quite understand why.
And now I think it was just myintuition, recognizing that that
(15:38):
wasn't right and I was needingto find the next, the true,
healthy decision, whatever.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this isboring, but like I just wish I
had known this.
I appreciate the journey andwhat I've learned going through
this, but it would have been sonice if someone would have told
me years ago what I ultimatelyfound out was that I should do
(16:00):
this thing.
I found this through YouTube too, coming off of restrictive
diets like I've been on forever.
That explains the weight gain.
My metabolism had gottenseverely depressed and since I
was eating carbs again andhadn't been eating carbs for
years.
My body was just like holdingon to every bit of carb that I
(16:24):
was giving it and it like wouldnot release what it was holding
on to because I had starved itfor a long time and so it didn't
trust me anymore.
So I found these YouTube videosand many of them were like sort
of not targeting, but they'respeaking to the eating disorder
community and I never thought ofmyself as someone who had an
(16:45):
eating disorder.
I was never thin enough to havean eating disorder and I never
purged either.
My form of purging would havebeen excessive exercise that was
not done for healthy reasonsentirely, and I'm so
(17:05):
appreciative of them, especiallyKayla Kotecki's Damn the Diets
channel.
She's so sweet and so feminineand so healed.
You can really see.
I really feel that I can seethat she's come through it and
she's so.
She's really done a good joband she's just trying to share
what she's learned with otherpeople and she has a course now
that she offers for free,because she sort of stepped away
from her coaching business.
It's just donation-based.
(17:25):
It just felt really her energyfeels really good to me and,
yeah, it was just the samesymptoms, even though she was
like sort of much more extremelydown a certain path.
I mean, she'd come from ananorexic background and then she
was like a fitness model andstuff like that and I hadn't
gone that so far in thatdirection.
(17:46):
Um, but also running sevenmiles every day, that's a lot of
people think that that's a lotof exercise and it was, um,
anyway.
So she was suggesting what shewas talking about would work.
For her was like a phrase thatsome people use that I'm not
(18:08):
really into is like quoteunquote, going all in, and it
just means like eating, just eatunrestrictedly and eat to
satiety and just keep doing thatand you're probably going to
gain a bunch of weight to start,and then your body will
eventually start trusting youagain and it will start sending
less hunger signals and thengradually the weight will come
(18:30):
off till you're back in your setpoint range and then you'll
just feel free, like you won'thave to restrict, your body will
just go wherever it wants to go, naturally, and you can like
fucking live like kids.
Do you know?
Like when you're a kid andyou're not yet indoctrinated
into the awful way the worldtells us that we have to be, and
(18:52):
I really want to get back tothat.
I want to be free of this.
I don't want to be restrictingmy whole life and I don't want
to be carrying around a bunch ofexcessive weight.
I just want to fucking enjoybeing in this body and try and,
you know, feel like a humanbeing, because it's been hard
enough to feel like I can findany sort of comforting feelings
(19:16):
on earth as it is.
I really just feel like analien in a human body or
whatever.
So I started doing this.
It was actually right aroundthe Jupiter-Uranus conjunction,
which is sort of interesting.
It was right around a few days,I think, before, actually
before April 20th I just startedeating fully whatever I wanted
(19:37):
to eat, and the other thing Ihaven't mentioned is that my
hunger signals got fucked up too.
So I wouldn't even feel hungermost days until like 2 pm, and
that was, you know, a functionof all of this.
So, yeah, I started doing that.
I was probably eating like5,000 calories a day to start,
and I'm already overweight.
(19:58):
My body has already beenholding on to these extra carbs
for a while now and I haven'tunderstood what was happening,
and I even, you know I startedlike hypertrophy, training three
times a week, lifting weightsto try and build up muscle, to
restore my metabolism.
But the other thing is that thetiredness has been excessive and
it's really gotten in the wayof things For years now.
(20:18):
I just would get so fuckingtired and I could still function
well enough to like peoplewouldn't really notice.
I don't think, but it was justlike truly interfering with my
life, and in multiple ways, andso I wanted to come out of that
too.
So, yeah, I've just been eatingand it's been interesting to
(20:39):
see like my digestion hasstarted to improve.
The severe bloating is goingaway.
I'm already no longer intolerantof gluten, which blows my mind
like it went away very quickly.
There's still something there,because gluten would make me
really tired, and that's stillhappening to some extent.
But y'all like.
So how many people out thereyou know believe themselves to
(20:59):
be gluten intolerant, whenactually it's just this fucking
it's because we've had theserestrictive diets and you can
get around it.
So I hope more people becomeaware of that, like I did.
And yeah, what else?
My period is healthy again.
My menstrual cycle is like backto what it used to be before,
yeah, but my weight has gone upand I'm like y'all I'mall.
(21:23):
I'm not weighing myself becauseit would freak me out too much
and just make this process moredifficult unnecessarily but I'm
by far the heaviest I've everbeen.
I'm probably I don't even.
I bet I've gained 25 poundssince I started doing this, like
six weeks ago.
25 pounds since I started doingthis like six weeks ago, and
(21:52):
it's weird, but part of me isinto like feel subversive.
Part of me likes intentionallyallowing my body to get as fat
as it wants to get, as like afuck you to society.
Part of that is fun and it'sreally helping to address my
internalized fat phobia and alsomy internalized ageism.
I'm realizing because, like Idon't, like I'm middle-aged now
(22:16):
but I'm thinking like it seemslike I look more middle-aged
because I've gotten fatter.
I'm revealing my internalizedageism as I speak and so it's
helping me to confront that moreso.
And then just also internalizedmisogyny that has to do with
like, oh, women aren't supposedto fucking, you're not supposed
to be fat, and if you are fat,then like society hates you more
(22:37):
and whatever.
So that's kind of cool.
I have had freak out moments,for sure, where, especially
earlier on, where I was justlike, oh, my gosh, like, this is
the body I'm in now and I'm notgoing to get out of this body
quickly, like it's going to taketime for this weight to come
off.
But it's also really cool tojust like y'all I just I mean,
(22:58):
I'm sure this is familiar to somany people I was so I quote
unquote hated my body.
But the way I framed it Iwasn't like you know how you
hear like anorexic teenage girlstalking about really hating
their appearances.
It wasn't like that.
I just felt like I'm not ahuman.
I felt like I have to be inthis body.
I resent that.
(23:18):
I have to like deal with thelimitations of being in a human
body.
Like that's how I framed it andnow I'm not thinking that way
anymore.
I'm just thinking like this isreally amazing.
Actually, the body will just dothis, it will just start
healing itself if you justfucking feed it enough and
that's so.
It seems so obvious.
But the prevalence of dietculture, which I'm only waking
(23:41):
up to literally in the lastmonth and a half, is so insane,
and the idea that that'ssynonymous with health and
whatever.
So I'm going to see thisthrough.
It seems like my appetite isdefinitely tapering off and
there was a period of time, likewhen I didn't have hunger
signals in the morning.
(24:01):
I did like what Kayla said,which was, like still make sure
you get up and eat a fullbreakfast within 30 minutes of
waking.
So I started doing that, andafter a relatively short amount
of time, those hunger signalsdid come back, a strong physical
sense of hunger, but I was alsolistening to the mental hunger.
So, like if I thought aboutfood, I knew that my body was
(24:21):
telling me that it wanted me toeat it, and so I tried to as
much as possible.
Sometimes, though, I was sotired that it was hard to like
get the food and like I don'thave anyone here to help me and
I would get delivery, but likethen it's like capitalism and
whatever, like it's so fuckingexpensive to get delivery all
the goddamn time.
So, yeah, so I was trying tohonor that as much as possible.
(24:44):
I did slip back into restrictionat one point, just accidentally
.
It was like a busier work dayand I didn't eat as big of a
breakfast as I should have, andthen I like really delayed my
lunch, and so I caught itquickly, though and, you know,
made sure to address it the nextday.
But I noticed that my bodyreverted right away.
My physical hunger signal wasno longer there in the morning
(25:08):
the next day and, yeah, it wasjust like my body immediately
believed that it was going backinto starvation mode and it
responded accordingly.
Oh, and my digestion got worse.
It slowed down againaccordingly.
Oh, and my digestion got worse.
It slowed down again.
So there was that.
So I'm interested to see wherethis ends up.
I mean, if I was eating 5,000calories a day at the beginning,
(25:30):
now I feel like it's probablycloser, it's probably more like
3,000 to 3,500.
I'm just less hungry and I'mstarting to crave healthier
foods again quote unquotehealthier, but like more whole
foods.
In the beginning it was justlike a lot of carbs, like carbs
quote unquote healthier, butlike more whole foods.
In the beginning it was justlike a lot of carbs, like carbs,
carbs, carbs, shit.
Tons of apple juice.
I've been drinking a lot ofapple juice and that's starting
to peter off as well.
(25:51):
So, yeah, and I'm real fat.
I'm definitely in the obesitycategory, I would say, but I'm
not going to get that measured.
I'm going to let my body justfind where it wants to be.
I'm going to continue eating tosatiety and I'm going to start
introducing exercise that seemsfun back in as soon as I have
the energy.
(26:12):
Because another thing I veryrecently went through like an
extreme fatigue phase, which isapparently a phase that happens
just as you're turning a cornertoward the end, and I think I'm
fortunate in that I seem to havegone through this process
really quickly compared to a lotof other folks.
For other people it can takeyears, but I think it's because
I actually already have in a way, put in years of this leading
(26:33):
up to this, because I startedeating carbs again, probably a
year and a half ago or somethingyeah, maybe more and so I
started gaining weight.
So my body has, it's beenfucking gaining weight for a
while.
So I don't think it's like I'mjust it wouldn't be as though
somebody who's been restrictingfor a long time who then just
(26:56):
suddenly starts and takes thisapproach.
It feels like I was in quasirecovery, is what they call it.
So it seems like I'm movingthrough this sort of committed
recovery stage more quickly, Ithink.
So we'll see where it ends up.
But it's surprising because Ihad this sense that I would need
to land in this body, like Iwas talking about before, to
(27:20):
move to the next steps of mymission or whatever on earth,
and a lot of that, I think, isabout finding my collaborators,
like my tribe, my soul tribe orwhatever, and finding, like this
partner that I think is coming,who's going to help me a lot
with this life's mission, who Iand I think I know who this
person is.
It's like a semi-famous personand it's not like I'm like, oh,
(27:41):
I need a partner or whatever.
It would be nice to have thatif it's somebody who makes my
life better.
But unfortunately, like toomany women, I think every
partner that I've ever had inthe past made my life harder and
they were all drainingrelationships.
So I like being alone.
(28:04):
It's helpful, it's been morehelpful.
So it's not like a thing whereI'm like, oh, I don't want to be
alone or something.
It's just like I have thisintuitive sense that I'm going
to meet this partner and it'sgoing to help accelerate a lot
of stuff.
I think I had to be alone for along time and really sort of
(28:24):
become hyper independent inmultiple ways that I didn't
anticipate, to get ready forwhat will need to happen later.
It almost feels like there'sbeen this like weight or
something holding me back and ithas felt like energy's messing
with me or something.
But when that boulder orsomething clears, then I'll just
(28:47):
be able to shoot up reallyquickly and sort of make more
progress in these areas and do alot more to help a lot more
people.
But I'm not to that stage yet.
It's still especially lately inthe last, yeah, since this,
since the Jupiter-Uranusconjunction, really it feels
like the energy's gotten morecompressed again and I even see
(29:08):
it in stupid ways, like onsocial media.
It's like hard to make videosnow that anyone watches.
It's not like I have a largefollowing on YouTube yet anyway,
but it's showing what I'msharing even less in the last
like six weeks, which is kind ofinteresting.
So what I'm trying to say islike I intuited that I needed to
(29:29):
drop into this body to movethrough to the next things and,
uh, it just never occurred to methat the way to do that was
going to be to eat a fuck ton offood.
I thought it was going to beabout like, oh, get in shape,
I'll like get really muscularand I'll lean out more and
whatever, through restrictionand because that's what I
thought health was and that'swhat the fucking diet culture
(29:51):
tells us health is and it'sactually the opposite of that
and that feels like it mimics alarger lesson of just like the
feminine needs to be.
The feminine is big, it's ahuge energy, it's the creative
energy.
It's messy, it can be chaotic,it's fun, it's joyful, it is not
(30:14):
compressed and it's not aboutbeing small and like fucking
like.
You know, like Capricorn energy, saturnian energy or something
that like restricts you andconfines you and we've been
taught to do that to our bodies.
And it certainly affected me andI think it affected me less
(30:36):
than it's affected a lot ofpeople.
It's made so many women.
It's affected all people, but Ithink women especially.
It's made women fucking crazyand so much energy goes into
hating ourselves because we'rewhatever.
And then there's like plasticsurgery is even more prevalent
now and it's just like everybodyis chasing this thing that in
(30:57):
the root of it is about hatingsomething about the feminine
form and what you're given.
And it's just like all of thatenergy.
If we didn't have to put ittoward that, if we weren't
tricked into putting it towardthat, then we could be fucking
like over here expanding asystem like seeds that is
working to transcend the oldsystem so we can get the fuck
out of it.
And it's a tragedy and I hopemore of us start waking up to it
(31:22):
soon.
I'm going to try to talk aboutthis more and I think I'll like
try to make a better video, kindof documenting this process of
weight gain for me and to seewhere things end up settling
evening out.
But yeah, it seems so obviousin hindsight.
The feminine needs to be big,it needs to be well nourished,
it needs to be taken care of,and I didn't think about doing
(31:46):
that with my own female body.
I was thinking that I needed totrain this body and make it be
different and restricted intobeing a different way, and it's
the opposite thing that actuallyneeded to happen and that makes
so much sense.
So, yeah, yeah, wow, like who?
I just wouldn't have thought itwas too brainwashed by the old
(32:10):
system.
So there's that on a personallevel.
And then I also just felt likesharing.
I have this epiphany and it wason March 20th, I think it was,
whatever.
The first day of like the yearis in the astrological chart,
which didn't feel like acoincidence, is in the
astrological chart, which didn'tfeel like a coincidence.
I'm still in Portland, oregon,where I came for the winter, and
(32:36):
it is a pretty good place, Ithink, to recover and heal, like
I'm doing physically, as I wasjust talking about.
So I'm going to stay, I think,until I feel just feel like my
body has enough energy to do thenext thing, just feel like my
body has enough energy to do thenext thing.
And that's another thing I needto figure out in terms of where
to go and whatever, because Idon't know.
Anyway, I keep having dreamsabout going back to New York and
(32:58):
it kind of does seem likewhatever the energies or
something want me to go there,but it's going to have to show
me how to do it and anyway.
So on March 20th I think, I gotthis idea through a conversation
with a bunch of like socialentrepreneurs and like people
that run nonprofits at thisevent in Portland, and, of
(33:20):
course, all of them needed money.
They were all worried aboutmoney and this was heading into
the Bitcoin halving on April19th April 20th, depending on
where you are in the world and Ihad this idea where it was just
like I'm so fucking tired oflike crypto bros or whatever,
getting rich in crypto and thatwhole gross energy and I fucking
hate it.
And I'm going to get.
I know I'm going to get.
(33:40):
I'm working on not being sopissed off about it, but I know
it's going to make me so angryover the next 18-ish months when
the market likely starts reallygetting going again.
And I realized what if we setthings up so that?
So okay, if you're unfamiliarwith this, through Seeds, we've
(34:02):
created our own marketplace,which is possible on
decentralized platforms likeUniswap, and in order to do that
, we've had people add liquidityto the marketplace in a
seeds-ether pairing.
So you need to have seeds andyou need to have ether and then
you can share that essentiallywith the marketplace.
You retain custody of yourmoney, unlike at a bank, and you
(34:23):
can earn fees and then you canget airdrops and you can get
bonuses and all this other shit.
So it's like it's kind ofamazing.
Actually, I'm really.
There isn't a lot in the worldgenerally, and certainly in the
world of cryptocurrency, that Ifeel impressed with.
Frankly, I just feel like Icame from somewhere else, that
where stuff was less remedial.
(34:44):
A lot of everything here feelsremedial to me.
Maybe that makes me sound likean asshole, but just how fucking
feel like it just doesn't feellike.
It feels like, you know, ifyou're from a small town and you
move to the big city and you'relike, oh wow, people here are
so much more evolved and they'reso much more thoughtful and
they're smarter, and generally Ifound that to be the case.
(35:07):
There are small towns wherethat isn't so true.
Certainly for sure, although inthose small towns, a lot of
times, it's people that leftcities that came to those small
towns.
In my experience and it's nottrue across the board, there's
smart people everywhere,whatever.
But like, I just feel like earthis like that.
It's like I'm in the small town, I can't leave it.
I have to live it out in thislife and do the best I can, and
(35:28):
part of that is fuckingaccepting things and not being
so judgmental of them and notbeing so angry about them.
So I'm working on it, but wherewas I going with this?
Yeah, okay, so we've createdthe seeds marketplace in this
way and there's going to be allthis annoying crypto bro energy
again, for sure, but they'realso going to make a fuck ton of
(35:49):
money and I just like I can'tbear it.
I really can't handle it.
Like that was the first TikTokI ever made.
That actually got seen Metalking about how I can't stand
if more like douchebags are theones who are making so much
money in cryptocurrency.
So, and that was in the lastcryptocurrency cycle that was in
2020 that I made that TikTok,anyway.
(36:11):
So I had this idea.
I realized what if we did thisthing where, so, at Seeds, we've
had to create our ownmarketplace, had to deal with
misogyny and tech 98.1% of techinvestment goes to men, goes to
the things that men have founded.
That's made things a lot harderfor me and for seeds.
I've had to be more resourceful, blah, etc.
It's kept seeds smaller than itwould have been if we had more
(36:35):
support, like undoubtedly.
Um, that doesn't mean I've beenperfect.
That doesn't mean I haven'tmade mistakes, blah, etc.
Of course, I've made lots ofmistakes.
I'm always trying to be honestwith myself about where I fucked
up and to work to improve.
So there's that too.
So it just occurred to me, like,okay, what if we did this thing
where, like, we justincentivize social enterprises,
(37:01):
slash nonprofits to be a part ofthis cryptocurrency cycle and,
at the same time, we could growthe seeds pool so that, like,
the market is bigger and that'swhat allows us to help people in
need.
We can send funds to people inplaces like South Sudan who
don't have bank accounts,because they do have internet
access, and they can use thispool that we've created, because
(37:23):
all you need to access it is aninternet connection.
So I had this idea like, allright, we could do this thing
where, like say, whatever it isa charity, social enterprise,
whatever puts up $25,000.
We'll incentivize them to usethat $25,000 to buy Ether and
(37:43):
then we will give them $25,000worth of seeds and we will ask
that they then add thatliquidity, that total of $50,000
.
So we've doubled their moneyalready to put that into the
seeds Ether pool.
And again, they retain custodyof those funds and then they're
earning fees on the funds andthey can get airdrops and
(38:05):
potentially bonuses as well.
And then on top of that, ofcourse, if the cryptocurrencies
go up in value, which it surefucking looks like is going to
happen it's already happening,the Ether ETF was just approved
a few days ago Then they'regoing to have a lot more money.
We would just want them to holdon to that and not sell
everything for at least 18months, in large part because
that's history has shown us thatthat's roughly been when new
(38:28):
all-time highs have been metRoughly 18-ish months, 12 to 18
months after a Bitcoin halving,and the most recent Bitcoin
halving was again April 19th.
So it's a really good, it's anamazing deal.
It's such a good.
It's a really good idea, y'all.
It's a really good idea.
And I got I thought at firstlike okay, it'd be cool to do
(38:52):
this in Portland, to like do apilot in Portland.
And I got the idea after goingto this like social entrepreneur
coffee that I was invited towith a.
There were only a handful ofpeople there, like a select
group.
I'd met the guy who seems to belike the most connected tech
guy in Portland or whatever, andhe invited me.
So I thought I'd start withthem.
But what I quickly found, whichwas such a huge fucking bummer
is that Portland business shitor whatever, is like passive,
(39:15):
aggressive as hell.
It was really weird.
I wasn't prepared for it.
I think it's because I mean thepeople like if you just walk
around and go to the store, ifyou've never spent time in
Portland, the people really arenice.
They're the nicest of anywhereI've been in the world, I would
say.
And it's real, if you're justlike having sort of like general
interactions with people outand about.
(39:37):
But there was just this passive,aggressive, fucking waste my
time, energy in quote unquotebusiness, and I really think
it's because so many people herefrom the Midwest, like where I
grew up, where I grew up, waspassive, aggressive as hell, and
I just can't.
It's just such a waste ofeverybody's energy and time if
you do that.
But I was really like I justdidn't see that coming.
(39:58):
It's a major city, right.
It's like there's sophisticatedpeople here.
There are people that aretrying to do good things, smart
people.
It just didn't occur to me thatthat would be a problem, and so
I quickly realized like, okay,this can't get done in Portland,
which is a huge fucking shame.
And that's the thing too withthe markets and I know it's
(40:18):
going to go like this and I needto not be frustrated about it.
But it's like I'll try toconvince these social good
organizations like yo do it now,please do it now, because it
looks like the market's going togo up a ton, it's going to
benefit you more now.
But that's the thing Peoplethat aren't quote unquote like
experienced traders, they don'tsee that They'll be the ones
that are like, oh shit, I shouldget involved now that it's
already up a ton, and then youmiss the big move and I'm not
(40:40):
going to, in good conscience,feel that I can approach this in
the same way in like a year anda half.
Right, like making this offerto a social good organization in
a year and a half, it'sprobably going to be a different
thing, based on what we knowabout the market cycle history.
If they're agreeing to it in 18months, I'll have to figure out
(41:01):
how that would work whenever wecome to that period in time,
anyway.
So I started to do that.
People were certainly interestedat first, but then they're just
like they would like blow meoff, or like some of them didn't
even get back to me, which wasso weird.
These people are spending somuch fucking time like applying
for grants and shit like that,and like I'm literally saying
like, hey, we'll give you tensof thousands of dollars, if not
(41:22):
more.
All you got to do is buy etherand hold it and like, yeah.
So I'm trying to figure out howto approach this and I think
what's been occurring to me inthe last couple of days is that
I think what we need is apartner who is really smart and
really kind and really respectedin sort of like the world of
(41:45):
philanthropy, who people alreadytrust, who could then sort of
be like the spokesperson forthis for us, and I can be in on
those conversations as well.
But then that's the other thing.
I've never worked at a nonprofitor a charity, so I don't I mean
I volunteered before but like Idon't know, I don't have a deep
understanding of like all ofthose conditions or what they're
(42:09):
going through.
I just know what I've seen ininteractions with folks.
So somebody who had a betterunderstanding of that could
probably approach folks in abetter way.
But I mean, certainly there'sinterest initially, like I think
if we reach out to 50organizations with like a warm
introduction, I think likevirtually all of them would at
(42:32):
least want to discuss theopportunity.
But that isn't the way tostructure it either, right?
Like people that are trying tooffer them grant money are
trying to get them on the phoneto like you know, it's like a
different thing.
And like there's still thatsupply and demand thing where,
like if they think it's, if theyfeel like they're trying to be
sold on a thing, then likethey're more skeptical,
skeptical of it and it's justlike it's the fucking what's the
(42:56):
word?
The fucking shitty legacy ofcapitalism.
A lot of times people don'tbelieve what seats is like.
They don't believe it's truebecause it sounds too good to be
true, or something.
What seeds is like they don'tbelieve it's true because it
sounds too good to be true, orsomething.
And that's been a struggle andit's really annoying.
So, yeah, on top of this, we'restarting to see more like meme
coin whatever happening, andlike I'm just already getting
(43:17):
like, like how do I make sure,how do I help people not miss
out on this?
What do I do and how do I?
I need to meditate more so thatI'm not so frustrated about it.
And then there's stuff forseeds on top of that because,
like I need to find we don'thave the people involved yet.
(43:37):
That can take us to the nextlevel.
I don't think I appreciate allthe support that we've had so
far, but like I mean it breaksmy heart when somebody who, like
took our course and like hasreceived enormous bonuses from
seeds like this person the otherday they'll just if they're not
doing anything to help or giveand if they're not, like adding
(44:02):
liquidity to the seeds pool.
That was the wrong person forus to connect with, because
they've just taken from it andthey haven't given back even as
much as they've taken andobviously nothing can sustain if
too much is being taken from it, and I think that's a function
of like.
I think about this idea of like, how founders have like their
(44:24):
personality, flaws and the stuffthey haven't healed yet shows
up in the organizations thatthey're making.
And that's true of everything.
I think it's true in your art,it's true if you're running a
small business, it's true attech organizations and a lot of
big tech organizations.
That ends up being like, youknow, the founder's a sociopath
and we have to deal with hismisogyny and whatever.
(44:45):
For me, I have many things Istill need to heal, but I think
something that's shown up thathas affected seeds in relation
to this comes from growing up ina narcissistic household where
I was the scapegoat kid where Iwould really try a lot to help
the people that had no interestin what I was saying or sharing,
(45:07):
who hated that I was quote,unquote truth telling, and I've
kind of found that through seeds.
I found people that don'tappreciate me and what I'm
offering and like don'tunderstand it and aren't
interested in understanding itand that you can't grow, if
that's what you found right.
So, like I've definitely healedit more, so I'm much better at
(45:28):
discerning when that's going onand setting boundaries sooner,
not putting a bunch of energyinto that.
But it's the same thing in mypersonal life where, like I made
this video around my 40th itwas on my 40th birthday where I
talked about, like how I'm alone.
It feels like it's been thisjourney of like setting
boundaries around that energy Igrew up around, which was this
narcissistic energy and thisdraining energy, and I mostly
(45:51):
set the boundaries.
I'm still kind of drained.
I'm healing the physicalelements of this now.
I think when my body is healthyand I'm no longer tired all the
fucking time, that's going tomake a big difference in sort of
like, when I'm manifesting andhow I'm showing up in the world
and stuff.
Difference in sort of like whenI'm manifesting and how I'm
showing up in the world andstuff.
But I haven't yet been able toconnect with those people that
(46:15):
will really uplift and supportand just be joyful and make
things really fun and help usshift into a stage where, like
this is really helping a lot ofpeople, a lot of the time at
large scale.
So what I hope to find is so weneed to connect with those
social good organizations.
If you have one or you know one, let us know.
If you want a gift from Seedsand you are interested in
(46:36):
putting up ether and holding itand being a part of this, then
it's like our mutual aid pool.
It's a mutual aid pool foreveryone who's needed help.
It's there for folks to use andfolks have used it and, like we
can do this, we can create thisalternate source together for
social good organizations sothat anytime someone buys seeds,
(46:57):
it's helping every social goodorganization that has been a
part of that and it's helpingthe larger community which has
served people in need now foryears.
And I want us to get the pool to$10 million.
That's like the number I've hadin my head, the goal I want to
manifest, and that's such asmall number compared to so many
(47:18):
other fucking cryptocurrencyprojects that are nonsense,
bullshit, whatever fucking memecoins and stuff, and so I have
to work on not being pissed offabout that, but I want to share
that as a frame of reference.
That's small $10 million isvery small for a pool and we
could do it, and seeds will givemoney to people to help with
(47:40):
this, and you're not going tofind that in any other
cryptocurrency, with any otherproject that I'm aware of for
sure, and there are virtually noother projects that are about
helping people in need.
None have done anythingremotely like Whatseeds has done
to my knowledge.
So, yeah, you could hear metalking about it, though Like I
(48:01):
need to not be exasperated, asI'm describing it and I'm
working on it.
I'm meditating more and thingsare shifting.
I'm working on it.
I'm meditating more and thingsare shifting.
I can feel them shifting.
Oh, it's like really rainingoutside.
Now.
You know people talk about how,like Portland is a drag because
it like rains so much, but likeI'm into it.
I really like it's so cozy andnice and it's so green.
(48:21):
Oh, y'all like, after being inCalifornia, southern California
especially, for years and years,it's so nice to be somewhere
that's just so green and it's sothe plant life is so it's
beautiful, it really is.
I can't wait till I'mphysically in better shape and I
can just like go out and be innature more so here.
(48:42):
I really would love to takeadvantage of that, and I have my
bike here.
Got my bike like shipped herefrom storage.
Um, I need to fix the tire, butI like really want to ride my
bike around a lot.
Yeah, the rain's really nice.
I like the rain.
It's cozy, it doesn't bother me, it hasn't felt like too much
rain to me at all, so I guessI'll stop this here.
(49:03):
Thank you for listening to me.
Vent, if you listen to this,and yeah, I feel better.
It's like huh, it's almost likeI.
When I was younger, I used tobe more like fuck this, like
vocally, like people knew mystance was like fuck this or
something, and throughmaturation, as I've matured, I
(49:28):
do that less.
Um, but there's somethingthat's unhealthy about it.
There's still something that'ssuppressed and I need to find a
way, um.
But then there's also, like the, the idea of like right speech.
So like, if you're sayingsomething that's negative,
that's not helpful, it'sactually breaking Sheila, which
is like the foundation of yourmeditation practice.
(49:49):
I don't know.
What I'm just trying to say isthat there's some energy in me
that's getting suppressedrelating to that, because I'm
less like fuck this all the timethan I used to be and I need to
figure out a way to likechannel it differently in a
healthy way or something.
I mean comedy can help withthat.
But like, that's another wholeother thing I guess I'll talk
(50:12):
about another time Because,beyond these things that I
described today health stuff andthen getting the seeds pulled
10 million I mean the seedsproduct needs to improve as well
.
And then I want to start fuckingwork on working on my artistic
projects, which are like thereason seeds exist.
Like seeds, I want seeds to besupporting creative projects for
people on a large scale, nowthat I want people to be getting
(50:34):
out of survival mode so thatthey can start thriving, and
when you're in that space, youtend to want to create.
So there's that.
I think I might start making aseries on YouTube where I'm
talking about, like, what it'slike to be a female
cryptocurrency founder orwhatever, and I'll just share
about what we're looking at,because the thing is like, what
(50:54):
I've noticed before is that,even when institutional, fucking
patriarchal bullshit, toxic,masculine whatever really limits
the resourcing available to thefeminine, because they're still
gatekeeping shit and seeds isstill, uh, a victim of that to
this up to this point in time,but, like, seeds is working to
transcend that.
But it's like we have to gothrough this like bottleneck,
(51:14):
this like narrow fucking birthcanal, to get to the other side.
Um, what am I trying to say?
I'm trying, I totally lost mytrain of thought.
Oh okay, so I thought I'd makethis series because I've noticed
with like women.
Oh okay, so I thought I'd makethis series because I've noticed
with like women, even whenthat's the case, if they have a
platform where they can talk toa lot of people, they can get
(51:35):
around that limitation.
So I think if I share like I'mthinking about like Oprah, for
example, or something so I thinkif I start trying to share very
transparently about what seedsis looking at in terms of
challenges and what I'm thinkingabout and progress we're making
on a regular basis, it'd be funand it'd just be a way for me
to sort of like be accountableto myself and to anyone who's
(51:58):
watching the videos and justshare about what it's actually
like, and I think it'd be fun.
And then it could like connect,hopefully, with more people who
want to help us so that seedscan grow and support more people
and get more people out of thetrap of late stage capitalism.
So I think I'm gonna do thattoo.
(52:18):
Yeah, I think that's it for now.
I'll stop recording.
I appreciate y'all so much forlistening and yeah, if you want
to support seeds, you're alwaysvery welcome to make a gift to
help someone in need and you'llget seeds, cryptocurrency and
thanks.
If you want to buy seeds onUniswap, that's helpful too.
And also, as mentioned,providing liquidity and the
(52:41):
seeds ether pool is also helpfuland all of these things can
benefit you as thecryptocurrency market goes up
and it looks like we're at thevery beginning, near the
beginning of that cycle, of thatstage in the cycle, so I really
, really, really want nicepeople to take advantage of it
this time.
Okay, that's all for now.
I'll catch you later.
I thought I'd do another episode of Spiritual
Crypto.
I was meditating when I got uptoday and the idea just came in
my mind, even though I hadn'tbeen thinking about doing this
at all, and I got excited aboutit.
So it seemed like it wassomething I should do and I just
wanted to do it.
And I like how these are, likeyou know, lo-fi, like I've been
trying to put more effort intoYouTube for the last almost four
(00:24):
months now and I'm gettingbetter at editing and whatever.
And yeah, I just shifted myefforts from like I used to post
on TikTok a lot and decided tocome to YouTube instead because
TikTok like the energy's notworking there anymore.
I can't reach people throughTikTok anymore.
And I like how, when I've donethese spiritual crypto
(00:45):
recordings in the past, I alsoassume like barely anyone would
listen to them and if thatchanges as my audience grows, I
want to try and not let itaffect how I'm approaching these
.
So today I really wanted tocome in like looking like I look
with no makeup and sits andwhatever, and like, yeah, and
(01:06):
just talk.
I always wanted to treat theseas like a lo-fi, sort of like
therapy session.
So that's what I'm going to tryto continue to do, and there
has been a lot going on that I'dlike to talk through and share.
And the biggest sort ofpersonal thing I guess is which
relates to everything I'm tryingto do through seeds and
(01:26):
intersects with cryptocurrencyand everything, because I'm so
clear that feminine energy andsupporting the grounding of
feminine energy on earth andbuilding new systems that
actually have a healthy amountof feminine energy imbued within
them, instead of an entire,like a total neglect of the idea
(01:47):
of feminine energy whatsoever,like the old economic system has
.
Like I know that that's whatI'm here to do and I'm trying.
And something I was clear onfor a while is that like
connecting to this body, bywhich I mean the body that I am
in my body, although it feelsweird to call it my body, which
(02:11):
is another philosophicalconversation I guess we could
have, but I have never feltdropped into it.
I like being physically active.
I'm a good natural athlete.
I've always enjoyed beingactive and like played sports
when I was a kid and whatever,but like I enjoyed it.
And then as an adult, I likedrunning.
(02:32):
I mean, I still like just anykind of athletic activity, but I
would run.
I've done like I don't know,maybe like 11 half marathons or
so, and I did an army 10 milerthat got rerouted because of a
bomb threat, so it was like 11.2miles instead.
And I've done two marathons,and never very fast.
(02:53):
I did one half.
That was like at a sort ofrespectable time, but I'm just
trying to share that.
I could ground in my bodyenough to do those things and I
enjoyed it.
I liked working out.
I think I'm also naturallystrong.
I liked lifting, and in the pastfew years my health has started
(03:15):
to get fucked up and I didn'treally understand what was going
on.
I'm not that old yet.
I just turned 40.
I didn't think, like it didn'toccur to me, that I would be in
something I would consider to bean unhealthy physical state at
such a young age.
And what I eventually realizedis that a lot of what fucked it
up was the keto diet and justgenerally being on restrictive
(03:36):
diets for large portions of mylife.
And I know that I'm not.
That's not atypical, especiallyfor a woman in the West,
because there's so much dietculture here, and also I mean, I
know that in Asian cultures too, there's a lot of sort of a
focus on not being fat.
So it's certainly not likeexclusive to the West, but what
(04:00):
I'm trying to say is like I justdidn't know, something I'm
about to share that I thinkwould help a lot of people.
It would have really helped meif I knew it sooner, but I'm so
glad I know it now.
But to share the story in moredepth, okay.
So like I had also, like quoteunquote, struggled with my
weights, which is also fuck thattoo, because, like it's just
what society says you'resupposed to be.
(04:21):
I'd mentioned this in somethingI recorded not too long ago,
but when I got like a DNA testeventually it said that like,
genetically I'm predisposed tobeing 5% over quote unquote
overweight, and we all know thatBMI is nonsense and it's
whatever.
So, generally speaking, fuckall of that cultural stuff.
But at the same time I did feellike my body, for the most part
(04:45):
as an adult and for most of mylife, like not wanted to be
thinner, but like something Icouldn't land in it either.
Like, so what I got clear on inrecent years was that it just
felt like I have to land in thisbody, like understanding,
feminine energy and theexperience on earth and stuff is
(05:07):
so much about.
I think in some ways about thetactile, about engaging with
earth through the senses, andbeing in a female body has
benefits in terms of allowingsomebody to understand that, I
think.
But I also just feel somasculine and I know I have a
lot of masculine energy in likemy zodiacal chart and whatever
(05:29):
my birth chart.
It just felt like landing inthis body was like key to
progressing in the, through thenext steps in what seems to be
my life's mission, which isabout uplifting feminine energy
and doing that through seeds andthen like through films that I
want to make down the line andTV shows and stuff, artistic
(05:51):
projects, and I just couldn't doit.
And when I got on the keto dietI mean I researched it in
advance and everything and Istarted it.
It was in like thing and Istarted it.
It was in like I think it wasOctober of 2018.
(06:12):
And I was living in SouthPasadena at that time and I was
what 34 years old and like.
So I started the diet and thenext year, earlier in the year,
I went to France to go to clownschool, which I later got kicked
out of and continued the dietthere and whatever.
I got down eventually to aweight that I hadn't seen since
(06:34):
I was about 15 years old and itwasn't the BMI chart would not
say that it was too thin.
It was probably a BMI too thin,it was probably a BMI I never
like.
I mean, I could calculate BMIand I had, but I never did like
a DEXA scan to like actually seewhat body fat percentage was
and stuff.
Bmi wasn't lower than like 23.
And like eating disorder people, I think, say you don't need to
(06:58):
worry until it's like 18.5.
So much lower than what I wasat.
But I also always carried extramuscle, just kind of have a
little bit more muscle, I think.
Then like naturally then maybeis typical for most females, I
don't know whatever and I havelike broad shoulders and stuff.
And so I was on this diet and Igot down to this weight and I
(07:21):
did it without running.
I wasn't like I mean, there areperiods in my life where I was
running seven miles every day,which also is disordered.
It wasn't entirely something Iwas doing out of a healthy
compulsion, so that's part ofthis too, but anyway.
So I got down to that weightand then I started restricting
my calories even more.
(07:41):
I was aware that my maintenancecalories seemed to be like
2,300 or so a day and I cutcalories to about 1,700 calories
a day and I was trackingmeticulously and dropped more
weight, and that's when Istarted to have all of these
visible external problems.
Suddenly, it seemed like I wasintolerant of every food, like
so many foods.
(08:02):
I took these food intolerancetests and it was dozens and
dozens of foods that I wasapparently now having a reaction
to.
My armpits started itching alot and I started having this
insane, uncomfortable bloatingand eventually, yeah, my hair
started falling out.
It wasn't like noticeable toother people falling out, it
(08:27):
wasn't like noticeable to otherpeople, but like chunks of it
would come out and my menstrualcycle got way shorter and my
period itself got shorter.
So like I never lost my period,but it got way shorter.
It was very different than itused to be and around that time,
within that time period becauseI was on the keto diet for like
three years before I understoodthat I needed to get the fuck
off of it I did an egg freezewhile I was still 36, just
(08:52):
before I turned 37.
And it was weird because itlooked like things were going
really well, especially, I guess, for like an almost 37-year-old
.
I had like 22 follicles thatthey thought could mature, so
they thought they could get 22eggs, which is good for somebody
that age.
And I was so responsive to theestrogen or whatever female
(09:16):
hormones probably not just theestrogen, I don't remember every
hormone I was on but they cutwhat's called the trigger shot
in half.
So before you go in for theprocedure for anyone who doesn't
know you give yourself what'scalled this trigger shot.
Um, and it's what causes you toovulate, like all 20 or
(09:37):
whatever eggs at the same time,so that they can then like
harvest them whenever you go infor the procedure, and I think
you have to do that.
I believe it was the nightbefore I had to go in for like
the morning of the surgery, andso they cut that shot in half
because they thought I was soresponsive that they were
worried that if they kept it atlike the typical dosage, that I
would like ovulate too fast orsomething and they would lose
(09:57):
all the eggs.
And they fucked it up and theyonly ended up getting five eggs.
Uh, they fucked it up and theyonly ended up getting five eggs,
which was like verydisappointing, but more than
that, this made me start tobecome aware of what was going
on for me hormonally and how outof whack my hormones had become
as well.
No-transcript and I can.
(10:30):
If you are watching this andyou want me to check to be more
specific, I'm happy to do so.
But yeah, just the hormones wereout of whack and then I started
taking supplements to help withthat and then suddenly I had
too much testosterone and Inoticed that I was a lot angrier
a lot of the time and it wasjust a mess and I couldn't
figure out what was going on andI didn't trust like certainly
(10:52):
traditional Western doctors tohelp.
But I went to registereddietitians, and that's the thing
too.
I remember going to twodifferent registered dietitians
and the first one told me that Iregistered dietitians and the
first one told me that I wasn'teating enough, and I didn't
believe her, because how could Inot be eating enough?
Because I wasn't too skinny.
(11:12):
And then the second one told methat I wasn't eating enough
carbs and so I should share that.
So gradually over time, withthese health issues, I started
to realize like it seems like Ineed to introduce carbs back
into my diet, because on theketo diet you're eating like 20
net carbs a day, up to like 50net carbs a day or so, but I
kept mine pretty low and that'sa really low amount of carbs and
(11:36):
the body just isn't designed tobe on a diet like that for a
long, extended period of time.
It's meant to be able to havethat adaption because of periods
of starvation where, like,glycogen sources weren't
available.
I guess that's how I understandthis and I didn't know this.
And so like so much in fuckinglike medical research, you know,
(11:59):
just focuses on fucking men, solike there wasn't a lot of
research out there about whatthis does to female bodies and I
just didn't know.
So it also wildly disrupted myhormones.
So I did start introducingcarbs back in.
But then I started trying tofigure out what was going on,
because the bloating inparticular was like the most
(12:20):
uncomfortable thing and I wasdiagnosed with SIBO.
What does that stand for?
Small intestine something,something You're just bloated
all the time and you'reuncomfortable and it's pretty
awful actually and I would treatit and then like it would go
away but it would come back.
And the second RD I talked toregistered dietitian who told me
(12:41):
I still wasn't eating enoughcarbs, which made sense.
She was the only person of allthese like professionals and
specialists or whatever that Italked to, excuse me who made me
understand that, like you getSIBO because your system, your
digestive system, becomesdepressed because you're not
bringing in enough nutrients andso your body's like oh okay,
(13:04):
that's not an essential system,we need to conserve energy for
other purposes.
So, like, your digestion justgets fucked up and so does your
reproductive system, which iswhy, you know, people lose their
periods, or, like in my case,my period just got a lot shorter
and just was like way differentand not healthy, like it had
been for the entirety of my lifeup to that time.
And I just didn't know.
(13:26):
No one fucking told me.
That registered dietitian atleast helped me understand some
stuff.
But I remember at that pointwhen I talked to her, I was also
starting to gain weight and Ididn't understand what was going
on.
And it was just coming on andit was like it wasn't stopping,
but I thought maybe it was goingto stop soon.
I was getting like toward theupper end of a range that I had
(13:47):
been in before, but it was justlike I was.
I don't know, I wasn't likefreaked out, freaked out, but I
didn't.
You know, it was uncomfortableto just be gaining this weight
and not knowing what was goingon.
And then on top of that, I hadlike back issues too.
So exercise, like running sevenmiles, wasn't something that I
could do anymore because my backwas fucked up, so it was just
(14:12):
whatever.
And then I eventually foundanother holistic person I might
even have talked about herbefore on this who like
diagnosed high copper and Hpylori and severe gluten
intolerance and there probablywas something else in there.
So she started me on this likesupplemental regime to address
(14:33):
these issues and I felt a littlebetter.
But it also just like kind ofdidn't make sense because it was
like I didn't used to beintolerant of gluten.
I used to eat shit, tons ofgluten and I like bread and
whatever.
And I didn't like this idea oflike I'm just gonna used to eat
shit, tons of gluten and I likebread and whatever, and I didn't
like this idea of like I'm justgonna have to eat this way for
the rest of my life, like what.
And also there were otherthings like this person was like
(14:55):
getting a percentage of thesupplements that were sold and
she wasn't transparent aboutthat.
So she was the best that I'dfound, like the person who
seemed to kind of understandwhat was going on to some extent
, and she'd come from veryrestrictive diets in the past
herself and was no longer onthem.
So that seemed right.
(15:15):
It seemed like I needed to getaway from that sort of
restriction, but it still wasn'tquite right, like.
So, like in the last severalmonths the last time I talked to
her was maybe five or sixmonths ago I kept thinking like,
oh, should I reach out to heragain and schedule another
session?
And I kept not doing it and Ididn't quite understand why.
And now I think it was just myintuition, recognizing that that
(15:38):
wasn't right and I was needingto find the next, the true,
healthy decision, whatever.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this isboring, but like I just wish I
had known this.
I appreciate the journey andwhat I've learned going through
this, but it would have been sonice if someone would have told
me years ago what I ultimatelyfound out was that I should do
(16:00):
this thing.
I found this through YouTube too, coming off of restrictive
diets like I've been on forever.
That explains the weight gain.
My metabolism had gottenseverely depressed and since I
was eating carbs again andhadn't been eating carbs for
years.
My body was just like holdingon to every bit of carb that I
(16:24):
was giving it and it like wouldnot release what it was holding
on to because I had starved itfor a long time and so it didn't
trust me anymore.
So I found these YouTube videosand many of them were like sort
of not targeting, but they'respeaking to the eating disorder
community and I never thought ofmyself as someone who had an
(16:45):
eating disorder.
I was never thin enough to havean eating disorder and I never
purged either.
My form of purging would havebeen excessive exercise that was
not done for healthy reasonsentirely, and I'm so
(17:05):
appreciative of them, especiallyKayla Kotecki's Damn the Diets
channel.
She's so sweet and so feminineand so healed.
You can really see.
I really feel that I can seethat she's come through it and
she's so.
She's really done a good joband she's just trying to share
what she's learned with otherpeople and she has a course now
that she offers for free,because she sort of stepped away
from her coaching business.
It's just donation-based.
(17:25):
It just felt really her energyfeels really good to me and,
yeah, it was just the samesymptoms, even though she was
like sort of much more extremelydown a certain path.
I mean, she'd come from ananorexic background and then she
was like a fitness model andstuff like that and I hadn't
gone that so far in thatdirection.
(17:46):
Um, but also running sevenmiles every day, that's a lot of
people think that that's a lotof exercise and it was, um,
anyway.
So she was suggesting what shewas talking about would work.
For her was like a phrase thatsome people use that I'm not
(18:08):
really into is like quoteunquote, going all in, and it
just means like eating, just eatunrestrictedly and eat to
satiety and just keep doing thatand you're probably going to
gain a bunch of weight to start,and then your body will
eventually start trusting youagain and it will start sending
less hunger signals and thengradually the weight will come
(18:30):
off till you're back in your setpoint range and then you'll
just feel free, like you won'thave to restrict, your body will
just go wherever it wants to go, naturally, and you can like
fucking live like kids.
Do you know?
Like when you're a kid andyou're not yet indoctrinated
into the awful way the worldtells us that we have to be, and
(18:52):
I really want to get back tothat.
I want to be free of this.
I don't want to be restrictingmy whole life and I don't want
to be carrying around a bunch ofexcessive weight.
I just want to fucking enjoybeing in this body and try and,
you know, feel like a humanbeing, because it's been hard
enough to feel like I can findany sort of comforting feelings
(19:16):
on earth as it is.
I really just feel like analien in a human body or
whatever.
So I started doing this.
It was actually right aroundthe Jupiter-Uranus conjunction,
which is sort of interesting.
It was right around a few days,I think, before, actually
before April 20th I just startedeating fully whatever I wanted
(19:37):
to eat, and the other thing Ihaven't mentioned is that my
hunger signals got fucked up too.
So I wouldn't even feel hungermost days until like 2 pm, and
that was, you know, a functionof all of this.
So, yeah, I started doing that.
I was probably eating like5,000 calories a day to start,
and I'm already overweight.
(19:58):
My body has already beenholding on to these extra carbs
for a while now and I haven'tunderstood what was happening,
and I even, you know I startedlike hypertrophy, training three
times a week, lifting weightsto try and build up muscle, to
restore my metabolism.
But the other thing is that thetiredness has been excessive and
it's really gotten in the wayof things For years now.
(20:18):
I just would get so fuckingtired and I could still function
well enough to like peoplewouldn't really notice.
I don't think, but it was justlike truly interfering with my
life, and in multiple ways, andso I wanted to come out of that
too.
So, yeah, I've just been eatingand it's been interesting to
(20:39):
see like my digestion hasstarted to improve.
The severe bloating is goingaway.
I'm already no longer intolerantof gluten, which blows my mind
like it went away very quickly.
There's still something there,because gluten would make me
really tired, and that's stillhappening to some extent.
But y'all like.
So how many people out thereyou know believe themselves to
(20:59):
be gluten intolerant, whenactually it's just this fucking
it's because we've had theserestrictive diets and you can
get around it.
So I hope more people becomeaware of that, like I did.
And yeah, what else?
My period is healthy again.
My menstrual cycle is like backto what it used to be before,
yeah, but my weight has gone upand I'm like y'all I'mall.
(21:23):
I'm not weighing myself becauseit would freak me out too much
and just make this process moredifficult unnecessarily but I'm
by far the heaviest I've everbeen.
I'm probably I don't even.
I bet I've gained 25 poundssince I started doing this, like
six weeks ago.
25 pounds since I started doingthis like six weeks ago, and
(21:52):
it's weird, but part of me isinto like feel subversive.
Part of me likes intentionallyallowing my body to get as fat
as it wants to get, as like afuck you to society.
Part of that is fun and it'sreally helping to address my
internalized fat phobia and alsomy internalized ageism.
I'm realizing because, like Idon't, like I'm middle-aged now
(22:16):
but I'm thinking like it seemslike I look more middle-aged
because I've gotten fatter.
I'm revealing my internalizedageism as I speak and so it's
helping me to confront that moreso.
And then just also internalizedmisogyny that has to do with
like, oh, women aren't supposedto fucking, you're not supposed
to be fat, and if you are fat,then like society hates you more
(22:37):
and whatever.
So that's kind of cool.
I have had freak out moments,for sure, where, especially
earlier on, where I was justlike, oh, my gosh, like, this is
the body I'm in now and I'm notgoing to get out of this body
quickly, like it's going to taketime for this weight to come
off.
But it's also really cool tojust like y'all I just I mean,
(22:58):
I'm sure this is familiar to somany people I was so I quote
unquote hated my body.
But the way I framed it Iwasn't like you know how you
hear like anorexic teenage girlstalking about really hating
their appearances.
It wasn't like that.
I just felt like I'm not ahuman.
I felt like I have to be inthis body.
I resent that.
(23:18):
I have to like deal with thelimitations of being in a human
body.
Like that's how I framed it andnow I'm not thinking that way
anymore.
I'm just thinking like this isreally amazing.
Actually, the body will just dothis, it will just start
healing itself if you justfucking feed it enough and
that's so.
It seems so obvious.
But the prevalence of dietculture, which I'm only waking
(23:41):
up to literally in the lastmonth and a half, is so insane,
and the idea that that'ssynonymous with health and
whatever.
So I'm going to see thisthrough.
It seems like my appetite isdefinitely tapering off and
there was a period of time, likewhen I didn't have hunger
signals in the morning.
(24:01):
I did like what Kayla said,which was, like still make sure
you get up and eat a fullbreakfast within 30 minutes of
waking.
So I started doing that, andafter a relatively short amount
of time, those hunger signalsdid come back, a strong physical
sense of hunger, but I was alsolistening to the mental hunger.
So, like if I thought aboutfood, I knew that my body was
(24:21):
telling me that it wanted me toeat it, and so I tried to as
much as possible.
Sometimes, though, I was sotired that it was hard to like
get the food and like I don'thave anyone here to help me and
I would get delivery, but likethen it's like capitalism and
whatever, like it's so fuckingexpensive to get delivery all
the goddamn time.
So, yeah, so I was trying tohonor that as much as possible.
(24:44):
I did slip back into restrictionat one point, just accidentally
.
It was like a busier work dayand I didn't eat as big of a
breakfast as I should have, andthen I like really delayed my
lunch, and so I caught itquickly, though and, you know,
made sure to address it the nextday.
But I noticed that my bodyreverted right away.
My physical hunger signal wasno longer there in the morning
(25:08):
the next day and, yeah, it wasjust like my body immediately
believed that it was going backinto starvation mode and it
responded accordingly.
Oh, and my digestion got worse.
It slowed down againaccordingly.
Oh, and my digestion got worse.
It slowed down again.
So there was that.
So I'm interested to see wherethis ends up.
I mean, if I was eating 5,000calories a day at the beginning,
(25:30):
now I feel like it's probablycloser, it's probably more like
3,000 to 3,500.
I'm just less hungry and I'mstarting to crave healthier
foods again quote unquotehealthier, but like more whole
foods.
In the beginning it was justlike a lot of carbs, like carbs
quote unquote healthier, butlike more whole foods.
In the beginning it was justlike a lot of carbs, like carbs,
carbs, carbs, shit.
Tons of apple juice.
I've been drinking a lot ofapple juice and that's starting
to peter off as well.
(25:51):
So, yeah, and I'm real fat.
I'm definitely in the obesitycategory, I would say, but I'm
not going to get that measured.
I'm going to let my body justfind where it wants to be.
I'm going to continue eating tosatiety and I'm going to start
introducing exercise that seemsfun back in as soon as I have
the energy.
(26:12):
Because another thing I veryrecently went through like an
extreme fatigue phase, which isapparently a phase that happens
just as you're turning a cornertoward the end, and I think I'm
fortunate in that I seem to havegone through this process
really quickly compared to a lotof other folks.
For other people it can takeyears, but I think it's because
I actually already have in a way, put in years of this leading
(26:33):
up to this, because I startedeating carbs again, probably a
year and a half ago or somethingyeah, maybe more and so I
started gaining weight.
So my body has, it's beenfucking gaining weight for a
while.
So I don't think it's like I'mjust it wouldn't be as though
somebody who's been restrictingfor a long time who then just
(26:56):
suddenly starts and takes thisapproach.
It feels like I was in quasirecovery, is what they call it.
So it seems like I'm movingthrough this sort of committed
recovery stage more quickly, Ithink.
So we'll see where it ends up.
But it's surprising because Ihad this sense that I would need
to land in this body, like Iwas talking about before, to
(27:20):
move to the next steps of mymission or whatever on earth,
and a lot of that, I think, isabout finding my collaborators,
like my tribe, my soul tribe orwhatever, and finding, like this
partner that I think is coming,who's going to help me a lot
with this life's mission, who Iand I think I know who this
person is.
It's like a semi-famous personand it's not like I'm like, oh,
(27:41):
I need a partner or whatever.
It would be nice to have thatif it's somebody who makes my
life better.
But unfortunately, like toomany women, I think every
partner that I've ever had inthe past made my life harder and
they were all drainingrelationships.
So I like being alone.
(28:04):
It's helpful, it's been morehelpful.
So it's not like a thing whereI'm like, oh, I don't want to be
alone or something.
It's just like I have thisintuitive sense that I'm going
to meet this partner and it'sgoing to help accelerate a lot
of stuff.
I think I had to be alone for along time and really sort of
(28:24):
become hyper independent inmultiple ways that I didn't
anticipate, to get ready forwhat will need to happen later.
It almost feels like there'sbeen this like weight or
something holding me back and ithas felt like energy's messing
with me or something.
But when that boulder orsomething clears, then I'll just
(28:47):
be able to shoot up reallyquickly and sort of make more
progress in these areas and do alot more to help a lot more
people.
But I'm not to that stage yet.
It's still especially lately inthe last, yeah, since this,
since the Jupiter-Uranusconjunction, really it feels
like the energy's gotten morecompressed again and I even see
(29:08):
it in stupid ways, like onsocial media.
It's like hard to make videosnow that anyone watches.
It's not like I have a largefollowing on YouTube yet anyway,
but it's showing what I'msharing even less in the last
like six weeks, which is kind ofinteresting.
So what I'm trying to say islike I intuited that I needed to
(29:29):
drop into this body to movethrough to the next things and,
uh, it just never occurred to methat the way to do that was
going to be to eat a fuck ton offood.
I thought it was going to beabout like, oh, get in shape,
I'll like get really muscularand I'll lean out more and
whatever, through restrictionand because that's what I
thought health was and that'swhat the fucking diet culture
(29:51):
tells us health is and it'sactually the opposite of that
and that feels like it mimics alarger lesson of just like the
feminine needs to be.
The feminine is big, it's ahuge energy, it's the creative
energy.
It's messy, it can be chaotic,it's fun, it's joyful, it is not
(30:14):
compressed and it's not aboutbeing small and like fucking
like.
You know, like Capricorn energy, saturnian energy or something
that like restricts you andconfines you and we've been
taught to do that to our bodies.
And it certainly affected me andI think it affected me less
(30:36):
than it's affected a lot ofpeople.
It's made so many women.
It's affected all people, but Ithink women especially.
It's made women fucking crazyand so much energy goes into
hating ourselves because we'rewhatever.
And then there's like plasticsurgery is even more prevalent
now and it's just like everybodyis chasing this thing that in
(30:57):
the root of it is about hatingsomething about the feminine
form and what you're given.
And it's just like all of thatenergy.
If we didn't have to put ittoward that, if we weren't
tricked into putting it towardthat, then we could be fucking
like over here expanding asystem like seeds that is
working to transcend the oldsystem so we can get the fuck
out of it.
And it's a tragedy and I hopemore of us start waking up to it
(31:22):
soon.
I'm going to try to talk aboutthis more and I think I'll like
try to make a better video, kindof documenting this process of
weight gain for me and to seewhere things end up settling
evening out.
But yeah, it seems so obviousin hindsight.
The feminine needs to be big,it needs to be well nourished,
it needs to be taken care of,and I didn't think about doing
(31:46):
that with my own female body.
I was thinking that I needed totrain this body and make it be
different and restricted intobeing a different way, and it's
the opposite thing that actuallyneeded to happen and that makes
so much sense.
So, yeah, yeah, wow, like who?
I just wouldn't have thought itwas too brainwashed by the old
(32:10):
system.
So there's that on a personallevel.
And then I also just felt likesharing.
I have this epiphany and it wason March 20th, I think it was,
whatever.
The first day of like the yearis in the astrological chart,
which didn't feel like acoincidence, is in the
astrological chart, which didn'tfeel like a coincidence.
I'm still in Portland, oregon,where I came for the winter, and
(32:36):
it is a pretty good place, Ithink, to recover and heal, like
I'm doing physically, as I wasjust talking about.
So I'm going to stay, I think,until I feel just feel like my
body has enough energy to do thenext thing, just feel like my
body has enough energy to do thenext thing.
And that's another thing I needto figure out in terms of where
to go and whatever, because Idon't know.
Anyway, I keep having dreamsabout going back to New York and
(32:58):
it kind of does seem likewhatever the energies or
something want me to go there,but it's going to have to show
me how to do it and anyway.
So on March 20th I think, I gotthis idea through a conversation
with a bunch of like socialentrepreneurs and like people
that run nonprofits at thisevent in Portland, and, of
(33:20):
course, all of them needed money.
They were all worried aboutmoney and this was heading into
the Bitcoin halving on April19th April 20th, depending on
where you are in the world and Ihad this idea where it was just
like I'm so fucking tired oflike crypto bros or whatever,
getting rich in crypto and thatwhole gross energy and I fucking
hate it.
And I'm going to get.
I know I'm going to get.
(33:40):
I'm working on not being sopissed off about it, but I know
it's going to make me so angryover the next 18-ish months when
the market likely starts reallygetting going again.
And I realized what if we setthings up so that?
So okay, if you're unfamiliarwith this, through Seeds, we've
(34:02):
created our own marketplace,which is possible on
decentralized platforms likeUniswap, and in order to do that
, we've had people add liquidityto the marketplace in a
seeds-ether pairing.
So you need to have seeds andyou need to have ether and then
you can share that essentiallywith the marketplace.
You retain custody of yourmoney, unlike at a bank, and you
(34:23):
can earn fees and then you canget airdrops and you can get
bonuses and all this other shit.
So it's like it's kind ofamazing.
Actually, I'm really.
There isn't a lot in the worldgenerally, and certainly in the
world of cryptocurrency, that Ifeel impressed with.
Frankly, I just feel like Icame from somewhere else, that
where stuff was less remedial.
(34:44):
A lot of everything here feelsremedial to me.
Maybe that makes me sound likean asshole, but just how fucking
feel like it just doesn't feellike.
It feels like, you know, ifyou're from a small town and you
move to the big city and you'relike, oh wow, people here are
so much more evolved and they'reso much more thoughtful and
they're smarter, and generally Ifound that to be the case.
(35:07):
There are small towns wherethat isn't so true.
Certainly for sure, although inthose small towns, a lot of
times, it's people that leftcities that came to those small
towns.
In my experience and it's nottrue across the board, there's
smart people everywhere,whatever.
But like, I just feel like earthis like that.
It's like I'm in the small town, I can't leave it.
I have to live it out in thislife and do the best I can, and
(35:28):
part of that is fuckingaccepting things and not being
so judgmental of them and notbeing so angry about them.
So I'm working on it, but wherewas I going with this?
Yeah, okay, so we've createdthe seeds marketplace in this
way and there's going to be allthis annoying crypto bro energy
again, for sure, but they'realso going to make a fuck ton of
(35:49):
money and I just like I can'tbear it.
I really can't handle it.
Like that was the first TikTokI ever made.
That actually got seen Metalking about how I can't stand
if more like douchebags are theones who are making so much
money in cryptocurrency.
So, and that was in the lastcryptocurrency cycle that was in
2020 that I made that TikTok,anyway.
(36:11):
So I had this idea.
I realized what if we did thisthing where, so, at Seeds, we've
had to create our ownmarketplace, had to deal with
misogyny and tech 98.1% of techinvestment goes to men, goes to
the things that men have founded.
That's made things a lot harderfor me and for seeds.
I've had to be more resourceful, blah, etc.
It's kept seeds smaller than itwould have been if we had more
(36:35):
support, like undoubtedly.
Um, that doesn't mean I've beenperfect.
That doesn't mean I haven'tmade mistakes, blah, etc.
Of course, I've made lots ofmistakes.
I'm always trying to be honestwith myself about where I fucked
up and to work to improve.
So there's that too.
So it just occurred to me, like,okay, what if we did this thing
where, like, we justincentivize social enterprises,
(37:01):
slash nonprofits to be a part ofthis cryptocurrency cycle and,
at the same time, we could growthe seeds pool so that, like,
the market is bigger and that'swhat allows us to help people in
need.
We can send funds to people inplaces like South Sudan who
don't have bank accounts,because they do have internet
access, and they can use thispool that we've created, because
(37:23):
all you need to access it is aninternet connection.
So I had this idea like, allright, we could do this thing
where, like say, whatever it isa charity, social enterprise,
whatever puts up $25,000.
We'll incentivize them to usethat $25,000 to buy Ether and
(37:43):
then we will give them $25,000worth of seeds and we will ask
that they then add thatliquidity, that total of $50,000
.
So we've doubled their moneyalready to put that into the
seeds Ether pool.
And again, they retain custodyof those funds and then they're
earning fees on the funds andthey can get airdrops and
(38:05):
potentially bonuses as well.
And then on top of that, ofcourse, if the cryptocurrencies
go up in value, which it surefucking looks like is going to
happen it's already happening,the Ether ETF was just approved
a few days ago Then they'regoing to have a lot more money.
We would just want them to holdon to that and not sell
everything for at least 18months, in large part because
that's history has shown us thatthat's roughly been when new
(38:28):
all-time highs have been metRoughly 18-ish months, 12 to 18
months after a Bitcoin halving,and the most recent Bitcoin
halving was again April 19th.
So it's a really good, it's anamazing deal.
It's such a good.
It's a really good idea, y'all.
It's a really good idea.
And I got I thought at firstlike okay, it'd be cool to do
(38:52):
this in Portland, to like do apilot in Portland.
And I got the idea after goingto this like social entrepreneur
coffee that I was invited towith a.
There were only a handful ofpeople there, like a select
group.
I'd met the guy who seems to belike the most connected tech
guy in Portland or whatever, andhe invited me.
So I thought I'd start withthem.
But what I quickly found, whichwas such a huge fucking bummer
is that Portland business shitor whatever, is like passive,
(39:15):
aggressive as hell.
It was really weird.
I wasn't prepared for it.
I think it's because I mean thepeople like if you just walk
around and go to the store, ifyou've never spent time in
Portland, the people really arenice.
They're the nicest of anywhereI've been in the world, I would
say.
And it's real, if you're justlike having sort of like general
interactions with people outand about.
(39:37):
But there was just this passive,aggressive, fucking waste my
time, energy in quote unquotebusiness, and I really think
it's because so many people herefrom the Midwest, like where I
grew up, where I grew up, waspassive, aggressive as hell, and
I just can't.
It's just such a waste ofeverybody's energy and time if
you do that.
But I was really like I justdidn't see that coming.
(39:58):
It's a major city, right.
It's like there's sophisticatedpeople here.
There are people that aretrying to do good things, smart
people.
It just didn't occur to me thatthat would be a problem, and so
I quickly realized like, okay,this can't get done in Portland,
which is a huge fucking shame.
And that's the thing too withthe markets and I know it's
(40:18):
going to go like this and I needto not be frustrated about it.
But it's like I'll try toconvince these social good
organizations like yo do it now,please do it now, because it
looks like the market's going togo up a ton, it's going to
benefit you more now.
But that's the thing Peoplethat aren't quote unquote like
experienced traders, they don'tsee that They'll be the ones
that are like, oh shit, I shouldget involved now that it's
already up a ton, and then youmiss the big move and I'm not
(40:40):
going to, in good conscience,feel that I can approach this in
the same way in like a year anda half.
Right, like making this offerto a social good organization in
a year and a half, it'sprobably going to be a different
thing, based on what we knowabout the market cycle history.
If they're agreeing to it in 18months, I'll have to figure out
(41:01):
how that would work whenever wecome to that period in time,
anyway.
So I started to do that.
People were certainly interestedat first, but then they're just
like they would like blow meoff, or like some of them didn't
even get back to me, which wasso weird.
These people are spending somuch fucking time like applying
for grants and shit like that,and like I'm literally saying
like, hey, we'll give you tensof thousands of dollars, if not
(41:22):
more.
All you got to do is buy etherand hold it and like, yeah.
So I'm trying to figure out howto approach this and I think
what's been occurring to me inthe last couple of days is that
I think what we need is apartner who is really smart and
really kind and really respectedin sort of like the world of
(41:45):
philanthropy, who people alreadytrust, who could then sort of
be like the spokesperson forthis for us, and I can be in on
those conversations as well.
But then that's the other thing.
I've never worked at a nonprofitor a charity, so I don't I mean
I volunteered before but like Idon't know, I don't have a deep
understanding of like all ofthose conditions or what they're
(42:09):
going through.
I just know what I've seen ininteractions with folks.
So somebody who had a betterunderstanding of that could
probably approach folks in abetter way.
But I mean, certainly there'sinterest initially, like I think
if we reach out to 50organizations with like a warm
introduction, I think likevirtually all of them would at
(42:32):
least want to discuss theopportunity.
But that isn't the way tostructure it either, right?
Like people that are trying tooffer them grant money are
trying to get them on the phoneto like you know, it's like a
different thing.
And like there's still thatsupply and demand thing where,
like if they think it's, if theyfeel like they're trying to be
sold on a thing, then likethey're more skeptical,
skeptical of it and it's justlike it's the fucking what's the
(42:56):
word?
The fucking shitty legacy ofcapitalism.
A lot of times people don'tbelieve what seats is like.
They don't believe it's truebecause it sounds too good to be
true, or something.
What seeds is like they don'tbelieve it's true because it
sounds too good to be true, orsomething.
And that's been a struggle andit's really annoying.
So, yeah, on top of this, we'restarting to see more like meme
coin whatever happening, andlike I'm just already getting
(43:17):
like, like how do I make sure,how do I help people not miss
out on this?
What do I do and how do I?
I need to meditate more so thatI'm not so frustrated about it.
And then there's stuff forseeds on top of that because,
like I need to find we don'thave the people involved yet.
(43:37):
That can take us to the nextlevel.
I don't think I appreciate allthe support that we've had so
far, but like I mean it breaksmy heart when somebody who, like
took our course and like hasreceived enormous bonuses from
seeds like this person the otherday they'll just if they're not
doing anything to help or giveand if they're not, like adding
(44:02):
liquidity to the seeds pool.
That was the wrong person forus to connect with, because
they've just taken from it andthey haven't given back even as
much as they've taken andobviously nothing can sustain if
too much is being taken from it, and I think that's a function
of like.
I think about this idea of like, how founders have like their
(44:24):
personality, flaws and the stuffthey haven't healed yet shows
up in the organizations thatthey're making.
And that's true of everything.
I think it's true in your art,it's true if you're running a
small business, it's true attech organizations and a lot of
big tech organizations.
That ends up being like, youknow, the founder's a sociopath
and we have to deal with hismisogyny and whatever.
(44:45):
For me, I have many things Istill need to heal, but I think
something that's shown up thathas affected seeds in relation
to this comes from growing up ina narcissistic household where
I was the scapegoat kid where Iwould really try a lot to help
the people that had no interestin what I was saying or sharing,
(45:07):
who hated that I was quote,unquote truth telling, and I've
kind of found that through seeds.
I found people that don'tappreciate me and what I'm
offering and like don'tunderstand it and aren't
interested in understanding itand that you can't grow, if
that's what you found right.
So, like I've definitely healedit more, so I'm much better at
(45:28):
discerning when that's going onand setting boundaries sooner,
not putting a bunch of energyinto that.
But it's the same thing in mypersonal life where, like I made
this video around my 40th itwas on my 40th birthday where I
talked about, like how I'm alone.
It feels like it's been thisjourney of like setting
boundaries around that energy Igrew up around, which was this
narcissistic energy and thisdraining energy, and I mostly
(45:51):
set the boundaries.
I'm still kind of drained.
I'm healing the physicalelements of this now.
I think when my body is healthyand I'm no longer tired all the
fucking time, that's going tomake a big difference in sort of
like, when I'm manifesting andhow I'm showing up in the world
and stuff.
Difference in sort of like whenI'm manifesting and how I'm
showing up in the world andstuff.
But I haven't yet been able toconnect with those people that
(46:15):
will really uplift and supportand just be joyful and make
things really fun and help usshift into a stage where, like
this is really helping a lot ofpeople, a lot of the time at
large scale.
So what I hope to find is so weneed to connect with those
social good organizations.
If you have one or you know one, let us know.
If you want a gift from Seedsand you are interested in
(46:36):
putting up ether and holding itand being a part of this, then
it's like our mutual aid pool.
It's a mutual aid pool foreveryone who's needed help.
It's there for folks to use andfolks have used it and, like we
can do this, we can create thisalternate source together for
social good organizations sothat anytime someone buys seeds,
(46:57):
it's helping every social goodorganization that has been a
part of that and it's helpingthe larger community which has
served people in need now foryears.
And I want us to get the pool to$10 million.
That's like the number I've hadin my head, the goal I want to
manifest, and that's such asmall number compared to so many
(47:18):
other fucking cryptocurrencyprojects that are nonsense,
bullshit, whatever fucking memecoins and stuff, and so I have
to work on not being pissed offabout that, but I want to share
that as a frame of reference.
That's small $10 million isvery small for a pool and we
could do it, and seeds will givemoney to people to help with
(47:40):
this, and you're not going tofind that in any other
cryptocurrency, with any otherproject that I'm aware of for
sure, and there are virtually noother projects that are about
helping people in need.
None have done anythingremotely like Whatseeds has done
to my knowledge.
So, yeah, you could hear metalking about it, though Like I
(48:01):
need to not be exasperated, asI'm describing it and I'm
working on it.
I'm meditating more and thingsare shifting.
I'm working on it.
I'm meditating more and thingsare shifting.
I can feel them shifting.
Oh, it's like really rainingoutside.
Now.
You know people talk about how,like Portland is a drag because
it like rains so much, but likeI'm into it.
I really like it's so cozy andnice and it's so green.
(48:21):
Oh, y'all like, after being inCalifornia, southern California
especially, for years and years,it's so nice to be somewhere
that's just so green and it's sothe plant life is so it's
beautiful, it really is.
I can't wait till I'mphysically in better shape and I
can just like go out and be innature more so here.
(48:42):
I really would love to takeadvantage of that, and I have my
bike here.
Got my bike like shipped herefrom storage.
Um, I need to fix the tire, butI like really want to ride my
bike around a lot.
Yeah, the rain's really nice.
I like the rain.
It's cozy, it doesn't bother me, it hasn't felt like too much
rain to me at all, so I guessI'll stop this here.
(49:03):
Thank you for listening to me.
Vent, if you listen to this,and yeah, I feel better.
It's like huh, it's almost likeI.
When I was younger, I used tobe more like fuck this, like
vocally, like people knew mystance was like fuck this or
something, and throughmaturation, as I've matured, I
(49:28):
do that less.
Um, but there's somethingthat's unhealthy about it.
There's still something that'ssuppressed and I need to find a
way, um.
But then there's also, like the, the idea of like right speech.
So like, if you're sayingsomething that's negative,
that's not helpful, it'sactually breaking Sheila, which
is like the foundation of yourmeditation practice.
(49:49):
I don't know.
What I'm just trying to say isthat there's some energy in me
that's getting suppressedrelating to that, because I'm
less like fuck this all the timethan I used to be and I need to
figure out a way to likechannel it differently in a
healthy way or something.
I mean comedy can help withthat.
But like, that's another wholeother thing I guess I'll talk
(50:12):
about another time Because,beyond these things that I
described today health stuff andthen getting the seeds pulled
10 million I mean the seedsproduct needs to improve as well
.
And then I want to start fuckingwork on working on my artistic
projects, which are like thereason seeds exist.
Like seeds, I want seeds to besupporting creative projects for
people on a large scale, nowthat I want people to be getting
(50:34):
out of survival mode so thatthey can start thriving, and
when you're in that space, youtend to want to create.
So there's that.
I think I might start making aseries on YouTube where I'm
talking about, like, what it'slike to be a female
cryptocurrency founder orwhatever, and I'll just share
about what we're looking at,because the thing is like, what
(50:54):
I've noticed before is that,even when institutional, fucking
patriarchal bullshit, toxic,masculine whatever really limits
the resourcing available to thefeminine, because they're still
gatekeeping shit and seeds isstill, uh, a victim of that to
this up to this point in time,but, like, seeds is working to
transcend that.
But it's like we have to gothrough this like bottleneck,
(51:14):
this like narrow fucking birthcanal, to get to the other side.
Um, what am I trying to say?
I'm trying, I totally lost mytrain of thought.
Oh okay, so I thought I'd makethis series because I've noticed
with like women.
Oh okay, so I thought I'd makethis series because I've noticed
with like women, even whenthat's the case, if they have a
platform where they can talk toa lot of people, they can get
(51:35):
around that limitation.
So I think if I share like I'mthinking about like Oprah, for
example, or something so I thinkif I start trying to share very
transparently about what seedsis looking at in terms of
challenges and what I'm thinkingabout and progress we're making
on a regular basis, it'd be funand it'd just be a way for me
to sort of like be accountableto myself and to anyone who's
(51:58):
watching the videos and justshare about what it's actually
like, and I think it'd be fun.
And then it could like connect,hopefully, with more people who
want to help us so that seedscan grow and support more people
and get more people out of thetrap of late stage capitalism.
So I think I'm gonna do thattoo.
(52:18):
Yeah, I think that's it for now.
I'll stop recording.
I appreciate y'all so much forlistening and yeah, if you want
to support seeds, you're alwaysvery welcome to make a gift to
help someone in need and you'llget seeds, cryptocurrency and
thanks.
If you want to buy seeds onUniswap, that's helpful too.
And also, as mentioned,providing liquidity and the
(52:41):
seeds ether pool is also helpfuland all of these things can
benefit you as thecryptocurrency market goes up
and it looks like we're at thevery beginning, near the
beginning of that cycle, of thatstage in the cycle, so I really
, really, really want nicepeople to take advantage of it
this time.
Okay, that's all for now.
I'll catch you later.
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