Finding Strength in Support Groups with Ruth Ann Rousseau

Virginia and Steve are joined by Ruth Ann Rousseau, a caregiver and support group leader, to discuss the vital role that support groups play for dementia caregivers. Ruth Ann highlights how these groups provide resources, confidence, and community while addressing the challenges of participation. She compares online and in-person meetings and encourages caregivers to seek support, stay open to learning, and prioritize self-care. The discussion concludes with a reminder to persist in finding the right support system and advocating for personal well-being.

Episode Transcript

Steve (00:06):
From the University of California, Irvine, this is UCI
MIND's Spotlight on Care, thepodcast where we share stories,
experiences, tips and advice oncaring for loved ones affected
by Alzheimer's and otherdementias.
Hello everybody. Welcome toanother episode of Spotlight on
Care. Virginia and I are reallyexcited about this session

(00:30):
because we're gonna be talkingabout support groups, and we've
learned over the years howincredibly valuable these are,
although Virginia's experiencethat she'll talk a little bit
about, it wasn't great. Mine wasincredibly good. And our guest
is not only a person whoparticipated in support groups,
but also someone who runs asupport group. So, we're excited

(00:50):
to have her here, and I'llintroduce her in a second.
Virginia, do you have somethingyou wanted to add about support
groups?

Virginia (00:55):
I'd love to Steve. I should have tried harder to find
one. But my first experience wasnot terrific, so that was my
problem. I decided to join one.
Mom was in assisted living atthe time, so I could leave her
and go to a meeting. And I satthere, and I was, I don't know,
I was kind of nervous. They gotinto discussing things and, you

(01:18):
know, introductions and allthat. But then I raised my hand
and I said, I have a question.
What are the last stages like?
And it was quiet, and the leaderlooked at me, and she goes, "You
don't want to know." And when Ileft that meeting, I did not
feel good about that group. Itwasn't something that made me

(01:39):
feel like I wanted to go back;however, looking back at my
experience, I should have triedfinding another group, because I
really see the benefit now.
Steve has told me how wonderfulthey are. I haven't done a lot
of research about them, or Ihaven't spoken with that many

(02:02):
people who have been in one orparticipating in one, but they
are really wonderful things tobelong to, and I should have
tried harder.

Steve (02:10):
So I come from the other side of the fence, and I was
blessed to have a couple of guystake me underneath their wing
and give me some advice. Andfrom there, we formed a men's
group of guys who weresupporting their wives with
Alzheimer's. So it was justphenomenal. And it went on for
seven years, and new peoplejoined, and some people left,
and eventually we just ran outof gas, because everybody had

(02:33):
lost their wife at that point intime. But to a man, anybody
who'd gone through the groupswould say it was the best
experience they ever had,because there's nothing like
talking to somebody who's beenon the same journey, not the
same details, but the samejourney. So with that in mind,
I'd like to introduce Ruth AnnRousseau, did I pronounce it

(02:54):
correctly?

Ruth Ann (02:55):
You did. Thank you.

Steve (02:56):
Very good. She is a dedicated caregiver, and she'll
talk a little bit about how.
She's a support group leader andan advocate for those who are on
the caregiving journey, and moreimportantly, she is an award
winner for her efforts incaregiving. She was named the
Female Caregiver of the Year byAlzheimer's Orange County. What
an honor. Congratulations.

Ruth Ann (03:17):
Thank you.

Steve (03:17):
So why don't we just jump into
a caregiver.

Ruth Ann (03:23):
I think, like most people, it just morphed. It
wasn't a decision that was made,just being the daughter you kind
of end up in that role, or veryoften you do. My brother says
"It's always up to thedaughters, isn't it?" Well, no,
but it can happen. But it wasmore. My parents spent a lot of
time in other states after Igraduated from high school, and
when they finally moved back tothe area, they landed at some

(03:44):
point within about 10 miles ofme. So we got to reconnect as
adults, and it was really nice,because we didn't spend a lot of
time talking while they weregone. And then we started
Saturday night, game night,every night, and then we started
learning about who went to thedoctor. What did you find out?
And I ask a lot of questions.
Some people say I'm nosy. And itturned out I started going on
doctor appointments with him,and especially my dad after my

(04:05):
mom lost her mobility. I guessyou could put it that way, and
as he started entering the arenaof Alzheimer's, then I was the
person that would take him andlearn and ask the questions and
do the research. So that's kindof how I ended up being because
I was in close proximity.

Steve (04:23):
You actually started being a caregiver for your mom,
and your dad was also acaregiver, and then you morphed
into being the caregiver foryour dad. Is that how it went?

Ruth Ann (04:32):
Dad was the main caregiver for mom. That's kind
of how that worked for all theyears and that was his
responsibility, which he tookvery seriously and still does.
And I think when they movedcloser, he was still caring for
her. I was trying to care forhim, to support him caring for
her. And then we got thediagnosis, I kind of pushed him
into getting an evaluation froma neurologist. And when that

(04:53):
finally occurred, and it allkind of happened in that
sequence.

Steve (04:57):
Well let's talk about that. How did you get him to
decide to go in and get adiagnosis? How'd you work that
magic?

Ruth Ann (05:03):
Well, it took a couple years.

Steve (05:04):
Wow.

Ruth Ann (05:05):
I had a friend that worked at a company, a large
company, and they had a speakercome in, who happened to be a
really good, well knownneurologist, and I think he
worked with UCI for a while, asa matter of fact, and it took a
couple years to get him inthere. We had all noticed dad's
memory was declining, I mean,like 15-20, years, and we didn't
know if it was just, if it wassomething serious, or if it was
just, "Eh, these aren't thingsthat are important to him." You

(05:27):
know, he's an aerospaceengineer, and he doesn't think
much about where did the pan gowhen I picked it up. So it was
hard to tell if it wasintentional or if it was just
lack of interest, or what.

Virginia (05:38):
Or normal aging.

Ruth Ann (05:39):
That too. But now I hear that normal aging, you're
not supposed to lose yourmemory, so I don't know, I'm
confused about the whole thingstill. Mom had a couple of
incidents, and once we got thoseunder our belt, and we moved on,
then Dad said, "Okay, I'm readyto go." So it took a couple
years, and then we finally wentin and talked to the neurologist
and did the testing where weindeed found out they did the
spinal fluid test where he saidthere's definitely he's headed

(06:01):
in that direction. So that'swhen I went, "Okay, let me learn
about this because I don't knowanything about it really, other
than you lose your memory. Idon't know what the end looks
like. I don't know what themiddle looks like."

Steve (06:10):
So where did you start?
Where did you start on yourinvestigation?

Ruth Ann (06:13):
On the internet. That was nice that we have that
resource now, whereas maybe40-50 years ago, I don't know
what people did. I just startedsearching, and I can't remember
the whole process, but I did endup trying to find a support
group, and walking all aroundthe Saddleback campus one night
trying to find the room. Neverfound it. I think I attended two
different support groups and wasmortified, and I wasn't sure I

(06:36):
would ever go back, because itwas scary, because you'd hear
things. First, I don't feelcomfortable in a group of people
talking, and they say,"Introduce yourself." And I'm
like, "Ah, crud." So that wasdifficult for me. And then
hearing the other stages, whenall I know is Dad's not remember
everything now. So it was reallyscary. And then I thought, okay,
well, they suggested the savvycaregiver course, and I took
that. And then once I was moreimmersed in it, I just wanted to

(06:59):
learn more, and the supportgroups were highly recommended.
So that's how I started. That'swhen COVID hit. There was the
lockdown. So I started back withthe support groups online, so I
only had to go to two in-person.

Steve (07:12):
What's the difference in your estimation of an online
group versus an in-person group?
Are they significant enough?

Ruth Ann (07:18):
They were significant enough for me, because I work 40
hours a week, so my time islimited. I'm working from home
now because of COVID, and I canaccess the online support group
much easier than taking a halfhour to drive somewhere, having
the group and then coming home.
So access is much better for me,and I felt a little bit because
I'm nervous. I'm an introvertand a shy person, I'm more apt
to participate online. At first,it wasn't easy, but I'm more apt

(07:41):
to participate online, I thinknow because there's that little
separation.

Steve (07:46):
So that's interesting.
Your response would be, bothhave their advantages.

Ruth Ann (07:51):
Absolutely.

Steve (07:52):
There's something valuable, maybe with online for
people who are don't have thetime or a little bit more
retiring in terms of theirnature, might not want to go to
a group and find it lessintimidating to be with someone
online, but you still feel likeyou get enough interaction.

Ruth Ann (08:08):
Oh yeah, and you get to be really good friends with
some of the people because youhave something in common and you
find other interests. I'm notsaying that I would prefer
online right now, because oftime limitations and whatnot.
The only reason why I'm notgoing to in-person is because
online is being offered. I thinkit was the timing of the
shutdown. I had gone to twoshutdown and then that was all

(08:28):
that was offered for a while. Inever have pursued an in-person
since then. Just because I havemy group, I have my tribe.

Virginia (08:34):
That might have been a fix for me. It wasn't available
then; the internet was hardlyavailable.

Ruth Ann (08:40):
Exactly.

Virginia (08:41):
That might have been something that I would have
gotten benefit from that. Yeah.

Steve (08:45):
So you use this word "tribe", and I heard it before
doing some research on supportgroups. When you say tribe, what
does that mean? What's the vibethat's going on?

Ruth Ann (08:55):
For me, it's just people that are in the soup with
you. They're in the trenches.
Everybody's got a differentexperience. Everybody's person
is a different level. But everytime somebody shares, you
remember it later, it's like,"Oh, I remember when so-and-so
said such-and-such. I can eithergo to her as a resource, or I
can research it myself, becausenow I have an idea of what to
do. To me, tribe is a group ofpeers who support each other.

Steve (09:19):
You said something important, so your group
actually participates with eachother outside of just the online
group.

Ruth Ann (09:25):
Sometimes we do, yeah, just depending. We don't meet as
a group. We've tried a couple oftimes. It's just too hard to get
that many people together.
Caregivers are busy- full timecaregivers. My parents are being
taken care of. I just kind ofoversee at this point. So yeah,
we don't get together,one-on-one yes, but not
necessarily full group. But wedo get together, there are some
field trips -I call them fieldtrips anyway- with the

(09:45):
Alzheimer's Orange County, theydo specific things where you can
go whale watching for anafternoon. It's a respite for
caregivers, or it's somethingdifferent every time.

Steve (09:54):
Cool. This is just a quick question about your
caregiving. How have yoursiblings and you work together?
How's that been for you?

Ruth Ann (10:02):
I'm really lucky.

Steve (10:03):
Oh.

Ruth Ann (10:03):
Yeah, I'm really lucky because I hear horror stories.
I've got two older brothers, andone lives in Washington and
one's in Texas. And anytimeanything goes wrong with my
parents, they want to know butat my own pace, because
sometimes you're in thehospital, you're doing stuff,
and you just don't have the timefor three or four days to speed
on things, and then they're finesitting down for a zoom call,

(10:23):
talking about ideas, justsupporting me, and they're real
careful about, how can wesupport you in this? And they're
far away. Turns out, one of mybrothers, the one in Texas, is
now caring for my dad. Hiswife's a CNA, and we moved him
there. We ran across a couple ofproblems that we couldn't solve
here, and it just worked. I misshim a lot, but I wanted him to
be in a home where people lovehim and we'll take good care of

(10:45):
him, and I can trust that and-

Steve (10:46):
What was that like for you, to have him move?

Ruth Ann (10:49):
Really difficult. It was really difficult to come to
the decision, because that was areal out of the box thought. And
when I thought about it, it'slike, "Oh gosh. Okay, well,
let's see if I can get onebrother on board before we
approached them." Just a lot ofcoordination. My sister in law
is a CNA. How can we give her anincome so that she can quit her
job and take care of dad? Willtheir house accommodate it?
They're in a very small houseright now. How do we get him

(11:11):
there without him going off thedeep end? Is mom going to be on
board with this? Because thesetwo have been married for, what,
68 years, or something likethat. It was just all the
details. And then he was inskilled nursing at the time, so
how to actually choreograph thewhole thing was daunting, but
like I said, I had my brothersin my court, and mom was on

(11:31):
board. She thought the idea wasa little funny at first, to
think about it for a couple daysand we'll rejoin and get back to
it. And we got it to work. Hewants to come home, but he also
knows that he's well taken careof. He loves where he is. People
tell him he loves him all thetime. They've got a dog, which
he just which was the savinggrace, actually, when he saw
that dog, because that dog willpull him out of a meltdown.

(11:51):
Because when he first got there,he was really melting down, a
little bit.

Steve (11:56):
Upset about having left his wife, or upset about the new
environment.?

Ruth Ann (11:59):
No, most of it was, he didn't know where he was. I
mean, after he realized he wassomewhere, he was upset. You
know, it's things like that,large events can throw people in
the deep end for a while, peoplewith dementia, and it did, and
it took a while, and he's somuch better than where he was. I
thought we were going to losehim in skilled nursing, because
he just wasn't participating inhis own care. So he's back up to

(12:20):
where he needs to be, and I'mhappy about that.

Steve (12:23):
That's unusual. Usually, if the trend starts down, it
doesn't come back.

Ruth Ann (12:27):
That's why. Yeah,

Steve (12:28):
That's terrific news.
Well, let's go back to your rolein the support group. What was
it like in the beginning foryou? You said it was a little
difficult talking. How did youfind your voice?

Ruth Ann (12:38):
I just tried. I mean, I thought, well, these people
are all putting their stuff outthere, so I'll put my stuff out
there and see how it goes. WhenI first started with the group,
it was, introduce yourself andtell us what your role is. And I
always felt like, and I've saidthis before, I don't feel like a
caregiver, because I don't livewith my person. Most people live
with their loved one thatthey're caring for. And to me,

(12:58):
that's hard, that's full time,that's 24/7. So I don't feel
like I'm one of them.

Virginia (13:04):
You're still a caregiver, though.

Ruth Ann (13:06):
I get that, but it's different when you gotta listen
for footsteps in middle of thenight, and when you've got to
make sure the front door is notbeing open and things like that.
I'm lucky that my parents movedto a continuing care facility
probably six years ago, so lotof things are taken care of that
I don't need to think about. Soas far as me getting back to
your question about talking inthe group, I'm still

(13:28):
uncomfortable to tell you thetruth, because I feel funny
talking about myself with peoplethat are really in the trenches.

Steve (13:35):
Okay, well, that's a great segue into, what are the
dynamics of a group? How does itwork? How do you make sure that
everybody gets a chance toparticipate?

Ruth Ann (13:43):
The groups that I've been involved in, with other
leaders, with otherfacilitators, we kind of do our
group the same way because Ididn't have any experience doing
it any other way, and it's thesame people that were in that
group that morphed into ourgroup. The only reason we
morphed into our group isbecause one of their people
retired, so we only got them twoFridays a month instead of four

(14:04):
Fridays a month. And there was aneed- I think it was probably
around the holidays. We justdecided we kind of really wanted
this group every Friday, so wejust picked up the other
Fridays. And I didn't volunteer,I was kind of nominated to be
the person.

Virginia (14:17):
That's a compliment.

Ruth Ann (14:18):
Well, I don't know if it was you talk enough already,
so you might as well just-

Steve (14:23):
Now, wait a minute. This is the same person that says she
was nervous talking-

Ruth Ann (14:27):
Yeah.

Steve (14:27):
Now you've got elected into a position as a group
leader, because you talk toomuch?

Ruth Ann (14:32):
And I'm still uncomfortable, but as far as
making sure everybody gets theirturn, we just kind of patterned
it. I was hoping it would bemore conversational in our
group, and we are a little moreflexible in that area, but we
really do run it like whoeversigned on to zoom at first. I
would just make a list in order,and we make sure, and I check in
periodically,or I'm trying tocheck in. Does anybody need to

(14:53):
leave early? Should we have yougo first, kind of a thing.
That's really the only thing wedo, other than keep track of
when people got in and makingsure everybody gets time. '

Steve (15:01):
How do you encourage someone like you or when you are
on a first group to come andspeak and feel comfortable?

Ruth Ann (15:08):
I think by the time people get to our small group,
they've already been in theother group. We haven't really
had anybody come into our groupthat hasn't been in another
group before. So I guess.

Steve (15:19):
Well, how about when you were in the large group. How did
you see other people whofollowed you start to find their
voice?

Ruth Ann (15:25):
I think you just watch other people, and you listen,
and you realize that everybody'sthere doing the same thing. Very
often if we have somebody new inthe group, we all introduce
ourselves and give a little,very slight background of who
we're caring for and how thatcame. You know, that way the new
person gets to know us, and thenthey probably feel comfortable
sharing a little bit too.

Steve (15:45):
Yeah, I found myself- I'm a little bit more outgoing than
you might be-

Ruth Ann (15:49):
Oh, yeah.

Steve (15:51):
But I felt like it didn't work if people didn't share, and
I had to be careful not to sharetoo much. But I think it was if
the dynamic is the group, if youdon't talk and you don't
participate, then you can'treally make everybody else feel
comfortable about it. It's adynamic that starts when
everybody gets involved. Did youfind that to be the case?

Ruth Ann (16:14):
I think the group works when the group is all
sharing, because then you canall trust, you know, everybody's
talking, everybody's givingtheir opinions and views and
their story. So a group won'twork if only one or two people
talk. Is that what you'resaying?

Steve (16:29):
Well, I meant, I think as a person who's participating in
a group, you should go into agroup with a sense that, "Okay,
I'vegot to be prepared to sharewhen it's comfortable. And the
longer I'm in the group, themore comfortable I'll be, but I
can't just participate in thegroup." And we never said that
to anybody-

Ruth Ann (16:46):
Right.

Steve (16:47):
-that you have to talk.
But I think it became part ofsecond nature, which is like,
you know, peer group, maybe alittle bit. And I was curious
whether or not your groups wereoperating that way.

Ruth Ann (16:58):
I think that when you are finally in an environment
where everybody has an idea ofwhat you're going through. It's
morecomforting. Out in thegeneral world, people don't
really, people don't get it. Soyou're hesitant to bring stuff
up, because they ask questionslike "Well, couldn't you just.."
And you're like, "No, and Idon't want to explain why,
because it's too long." So Ithink when you're in a group

(17:21):
where people get it, it's a lotdifferent.

Steve (17:23):
Speaking about getting it, what's some of the most
challenging conversations thatyou've had, either in your
larger group when you firstjoined or in running a group?

Ruth Ann (17:33):
Well just talking about death, talking about when
to take people off certainmedications, is that the right
thing to do is it not? Guiltabout maybe making that decision
or not making the decision.
Feelings of loneliness whenyou've got somebody sitting
right next to you.
Spouses,there's a lot of spousesin our group, and I can't even

(17:54):
imagine what that's like, thewhole role has changed. I'm just
really fascinated by watchingthe men, because the men in my
group are from a generationwhere not that far back, but a
generation where typically theman was earning the money, the
wife was more a supportive role.
I don't know if I can say that?

Steve (18:10):
Sure you can.

Ruth Ann (18:10):
But you know what I mean? They're not necessarily
the nurturer, and now they havecome to be a nurturer. And I'm
fascinated, and I see thetransition, then you have to
tell them, "Gosh, I'm so, soexcited to see you, because
you're making this journey allby yourself, and you're figuring
it out." Because you see peoplethat are, you know, they first
get in, or they first encountersomething, and it's rigid.

(18:32):
"Well, she needs to be takingher pills at this time, and she
needs to take a nap.." And thenthey learn, and everybody's
happier if you can be a littlemore flexible.

Virginia (18:40):
Didn't you find it took a little while to get men
to share as much as probablywomen are. Women share more
easily, it seems to me.

Steve (18:51):
Well actually, I started in a women's group at the
facility. Oh, I shouldn't say awomen's group. It was just me
and only other women who came. Idon't think it was designated as
a woman's group. Yeah, I thinkthat was easier for them to talk
about their own personalsituation. I think for guys,
that's the hardest thing,they're comfortable. We used to
laugh in our group because therewas a newbie. He would only talk

(19:14):
about his wife and thesituation. He would never talk
about himself. Getting guys tounload about their own personal
feelings and situations washard. Once that was broken,I
think guys felt much morecomfortable.

Virginia (19:28):
Interesting.

Ruth Ann (19:28):
I'm glad you said that. I'm going to pay more
attention to that, but you'reright.

Steve (19:32):
Well we all learn in different ways. Speaking of
learning, I want to cover acouple of key questions. How was
joining a support group changedyour approach to caregiving?

Ruth Ann (19:42):
Well, I'm not as scared. I mean thinking about
outcomes and whatnot, because Ifeel like there's path or
there's resources. Everybodybrings something else to the
table. It's not just where westarted with Alzheimer's Orange
County. Everybody reaches out todifferent resources, and we all
become a community of resources.
How has it changed? It'schanged,because I just basically feel a
little more confident in thewhole process, instead of

(20:03):
wondering, "What the heck? Okay,well, I'll try this, or I'll try
that." I can approach it moreintelligently, if that makes any
sense at all. Feels moreintelligently. It may not look
like it, but it feels like it.

Steve (20:16):
You used the word confidence. And I think you.. I
was like, "What am I in for?"

Ruth Ann (20:21):
Exactly.

Steve (20:22):
I had no idea. And the more I talked to other people,
the more I realized that, youknow, I wasn't doing such a bad
job. And I gave my confidence tome about feeling like I could
move forward. And as itprogressed, I knew a little bit
more about what was coming,which was helpful. So I think
confidence is a big thing thatyou get from a support group.

Ruth Ann (20:42):
I watch people that come in to the big group, the
first group, and they're usuallyat their wit's end because they
haven't had the resources andthey haven't had the support.
It's nice to see them feel asense of comfort and a light at
the end of the tunnel kind of athing.

Steve (20:58):
Let's explain so our audience understands when you
talk about the big group, that'sthe main online group that's
meeting twice a month?

Ruth Ann (21:05):
Yes.

Steve (21:06):
And then your group, your smaller group, is meeting the
other two times a month.

Ruth Ann (21:11):
Or three, depending if there's three Fridays, yeah.

Steve (21:13):
Wow, that's a lot of meetings.

Ruth Ann (21:15):
It is a lot.

Virginia (21:15):
Wait, they're different groups.

Steve (21:17):
It's a subgroup.

Virginia (21:18):
It's a subgroup, okay.

Steve (21:20):
Would that be a fair statement?

Ruth Ann (21:21):
Yeah, because all the people in the small subgroup
basically came from the biggergroup. You know, we didn't
recruit people, although there'sno reason why we can't. It just
happened that way, and it, Idon't want it to get big,
because it's just me, and I'mnot a professional facilitator.
I'm just like-

Virginia (21:36):
What's the number of people?

Ruth Ann (21:38):
We can have, 7 to 13/14, something like that.

Virginia (21:41):
Okay?

Ruth Ann (21:42):
And sometimes in the big group, they have two
facilitators running that group.
Now, sometimes they have tosplit it in half because they're
afraid not everybody will get achance to share. So we start out
together, then they split it inhalf, and then we all come back
at the end.

Steve (21:55):
That's cool. Were you ever afraid of breaking down
emotionally in your group?

Ruth Ann (21:59):
I don't think so.

Steve (22:00):
Did you?

Ruth Ann (22:01):
I think I have.

Steve (22:02):
And what was that like?

Ruth Ann (22:03):
I can't even- it was a non event if it happened. That's
not something I'm scared of.

Steve (22:08):
Did you cry?

Ruth Ann (22:08):
I may have probably, I'm a crier, so probably, or at
least, teared up or something.
Yeah.

Steve (22:14):
Is it okay, in your estimation? Do others cry?

Ruth Ann (22:17):
Yeah.

Steve (22:18):
Is it healthy?

Ruth Ann (22:19):
I think so. To release. I think it's important
for other people to see you getemotional too, or angry or
anything else.

Steve (22:26):
Okay, let's talk about some advice to caregivers.
You're doing a great job, by theway. What would you wish you had
known earlier about thecaregiving journey that you
learned in any fashion, butmaybe as a part of the group?

Ruth Ann (22:40):
That there's help out there, that you don't have to
feel alone. Really nice if youhave family members who are
interested in helping, becauseI've seen where that hasn't
happened, and it's so sad whenpeople have to fight their
family members just to get thebest for their person, their
loved one.

Steve (22:54):
Yeah we spoke a little bit about that. I'm not gonna go
down that hole, because that's adark hole. Well, you're
caregiving indirectly for yourdad now, but you're still
caregiving for your mom, right?
So it doesn't go away.

Ruth Ann (23:07):
It doesn't go away because there's surgeries and
there's pancreatitis, there'sall kinds of things that happen,
and when they hit boom, boom,boom, you don't have a time to
catch your breath.

Steve (23:19):
What advice would you give to caregivers who are
hesitant to join a group?

Ruth Ann (23:23):
Give it a try. It's the only way to do it is to jump
in and give it a try.

Steve (23:27):
Anything else that you would say about it?

Ruth Ann (23:29):
Try and be honest, try and share. Listen to what other
people are saying, because itwill help you at some point down
the line, probably, and just beopen, be open to the experience.

Steve (23:39):
I was going to ask you this question, because I watched
a guy in our group feel the sameway you did, overwhelmed. The
group was a very active group atthe time he joined, and he was a
note taker, and he was busywriting notes, and at the end of
it, you could just see him closeup, not only his book, but
almost his mind. Like, I'm outof my element. I'm overwhelmed.
You feel any of those feelings?
Did you see that happen in yourgroups?

Ruth Ann (24:02):
I felt that way myself in the first two that I went to,
I tried again. I tried again. Ijust I've been in therapy myself
before, and the first time isalways awkward and weird, but if
you feel like you want to reachout for help, you just kind of
have to keep trying until youfind something that works. Might
not be the right group. Maybeyou need to try a different
group. Maybe you need to do anonline you know, there's so many

(24:24):
different ways to get help orget support. There's so many
different support groups that ifone doesn't work, try another
one, because it's worth it. Youlearn so much.

Steve (24:33):
Ruth Ann, you talked a great deal with lots of good
information about supportgroups. But if you had to think
in just a caregiver itself, whatpiece of advice would you give
to caregivers?

Ruth Ann (24:43):
The advice I would give would be to be open to
learning as much as you canabout whatever situation you're
going through, but mostly totake care of yourself. It's
something that I find greatdifficulty in. I've been sick a
lot in the last few monthsbecause I'm not taking care of
myself. Can't live on proteinbars and peanuts and lack of
sleep for very long. I've tried.
I know it's hard to do becauseyou think you can weather the

(25:06):
storm, but there's alwaysanother storm. There's always a
reason to put yourself last, andit's harder to do than to say.
But if you can put yourself atleast somewhere up on that
ladder instead of at the bottomrung, you'll do much better.

Steve (25:22):
Well, I think that's a pretty good concluding comment.
Virginia, any last comments?

Virginia (25:27):
Well this just confirms my thoughts that I
should have searched out moredifferent support groups. If
that one wasn't a fit for me,there was probably one out there
that would have been and I wouldhave benefited.

Ruth Ann (25:40):
I can understand your hesitancy to try again, though,
because I felt the way you did.
It's not that the fit wasn'tright, it's the content was
frightening.

Virginia (25:49):
It was frightening.

Ruth Ann (25:49):
There wouldn't be any reason to reach out again if you
expected the content to befrightening still. Just a
different group, right?

Virginia (25:56):
Right, right.

Ruth Ann (25:57):
You kind of have to advocate for yourself. I guess
it's really what you need to do.
And I don't think caregivers dothat much.

Steve (26:02):
Yeah, I think that that's an important point that you're
making, that the group is can bechallenging and can be helpful,
and it's getting over thechallenging parts to get to the
help, and the help far exceedsthe initial challenges you'll
feel potentially but understandthat it might be a little bit
because you're enteringsomething that's already going

(26:23):
on, but the help is so muchgreater than the challenge.
Well, thank you again. Ruth Ann,you were spectacular.

Virginia (26:30):
Thank you so much.

Ruth Ann (26:31):
You're very welcome.

Virginia (26:32):
Really, really interesting information and very
helpful.

Ruth Ann (26:35):
Thank you.

Steve (26:35):
I just wanted to mention that Virginia and I are always
interested in topics that youmight have. I think this is
number 47 of podcasts that we'vedone, and it's available
everywhere. Spotlight on Care isavailable through all sorts of
podcast services. And now wehave a YouTube page, and you can

(26:56):
go to that page and subscribe,and we'll be informing you about
new podcasts that come up, justin case you might miss them. So
thanks for taking the time andlistening to us and again. Thank
you. Ruth Ann, you were reallygood.

Ruth Ann (27:09):
Thank you very much.

Virginia (27:09):
Thanks Ruth Ann.

Steve (27:11):
Spotlight on Care is produced by the University of
California, Irvine, Institute onMemory Impairments and

Neurological Disorders (27:17):
UCI MIND. Interviews focus on
personal caregiving journeys,and may not represent the views
of UCI MIND. Individualsconcerned about cognitive
disorders, prevention ortreatment should seek expert
diagnosis and care. Pleasesubscribe to the Spotlight on
Care podcast wherever youlisten. For more information,

(27:38):
visit mind.uci.edu.