December 19, 2019 • 12 mins
Welcome to the second episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. Join Officer Steins & Holloway on their second adventure where they find a 2.5 Reality Divergence Device in a soup kitchen. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Suarez, and Maelle Jayet.
Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[Music]
(00:05):
[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.
Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homelesspeople $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their
clothes.
While our heroes saved the world from a MadScientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful
homeless people reported what had happenedto various media outlets and social justice
(00:26):
groups.
[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.
[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?
[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation forthe last week.
(00:48):
[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.
[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirtingwith on the radio.
[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it ifyou stop that.
It's a bit uncomfortable when you start witha CB sex.
[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!
Mumford!
Get in here!
[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.
(01:08):
[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.
Me and the captain go way back.
I've got this.
[Officer Steins] Sir!
[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.
I'm digging that scented candle.
What is that, sandalwood?
[Steins] Dude...
(01:29):
[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthytone to it.
I'm guessing patchouli.
[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any ofyour business, but it's Moroccan fig.
[Holloway] Very soothing.
You know I can feel the stress just liftingoff my...
[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.
[Sighs.]
(01:50):
[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were youtwo thinking?
I should suspend you both for a week.
[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealtwith it, sir.
[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look outfront?
[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.
[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]
(02:11):
[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.
They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.
[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflakein the county is on our lawn.
[Steins] That's what this is about.
[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.
[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.
[Holloway] Yeah.
(02:32):
[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!
This situation is nothing to laugh about.
For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteeringdown at the soup kitchen.
[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out therewill protest anything.
You give in this time and tomorrow they'llbe rallying for health care.
(02:55):
[Steins] Ugh, health care.
Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and goout there.
[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hearanother word. [Sighs]
Now get your butts down to that shelter.
(03:30):
[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]
[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.
[Steins] No shit.
[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peevedover a couple of social justice squatters.
[Steins] It's because he's, you know...
[Holloway] Cuz he's what?
[Steins] Black...
[Holloway] Huh?
[Steins] They have more sympathy for stufflike that.
(03:52):
[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know...racist.
[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone wouldcall racist.
My first girlfriend was black.
[Holloway] Oh sorry....
[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40. (04:05):
undefined
[Holloway] So you're saying we have to gospoon soup cuz the captain's black?
[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're justtwisting my words.
[Holloway] I'm not judging...
(04:25):
[Steins] There's nothing to judge.
[Holloway] Yeah... of course...
[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.
[Holloway] ...like what?
[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off ofa butterfly.
[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.
[Steins & Holloway step across the parkinglot into the soup kitchen.]
(05:03):
[Chef Rolland] Marcel!
I told you to caramelize the onions.
[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?
[Holloway] My cui..?
[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.
[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.
(05:23):
[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on thehomeless.
[Holloway] What?
[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.
[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?
I think not.
You will wash the dish.
[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.
(05:45):
[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here toclean up that slop.
[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or youwill crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong
[Steins] All right, all right, all right.
[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!
What is this?
[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.
(06:07):
[Steins] Is that split pea?
[Holloway] I think it just moved.
[Steins] You should really put on some rubbergloves.
[Holloway] Me?
What about you?
[Steins] I'm going to investigate.
[Holloway] Come again?
[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land,make a mental map of the compound.
(06:28):
[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditchingme.
[Steins] What?
I'm looking out for us.
I'm doing this for you.
I'll be right back.
[Holloway] Can you at least check if theyhave popsicles?
[Steins] What are you 12?
[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.
[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.
(06:53):
[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]
[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]
[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.
Let's see.
(07:14):
Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.
We'll I'll be!
summer borscht popsicles.
[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]
[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?
(07:36):
Press here to change your life?
Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.
[Steins clicks the machine's button.]
[The machine whirl to life.]
[It's hum gets louder and louder.]
[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.
(08:01):
[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]
[Silence]
[Steins] What just happened?
Why does it feel like I have a furry face?
No, no, no,
[Steins clops down the hallway.]
Where's the bathroom in this place?
(08:23):
[Steins clops down the hallway, and turnson the bathroom sink.]
[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.
I've got, I've got a face like a horse.
Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.
That machine actually worked.
I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different frommy own.
(08:46):
And in this world
I'm a horse-man.
[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]
[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.
(09:06):
[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.
[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]
[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain'tno horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.
[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.
[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must takeyour hooves out of here.
[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?
(09:27):
[Chef Rolland] Hooves.
[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.
[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody seesyou.
[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outsidecleaning around the dumpster.
If the health inspector catches you in here,they'll shut the whole place down.
[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.
But what can I say, you are cheval.
(09:48):
[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.
[Steins] Not personal?
You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.
[Holloway] Well I mean...
[Steins] I'm a horse-man.
You hear me?
Horse-man.
[Holloway] It's cool.
Don't be no mule.
[Steins] Now I'm a mule?
[Steins smacks Holloway.]
[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.
[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, sohorse.
(10:12):
[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.
[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break yournose.
[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing thesaddle off you.
[Steins] I don't need this.
I'll just go back in the freezer lock, pressthe machine's button, and 'poof.'
I'll be back in my own reality.
[Steins clops back to the freezer.]
(10:35):
[The machine sparks and buzzes.]
[Steins] What the hell?
The dimensional device?
It's broken?
I'm stuck in this reality?
I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?
[Holloway steps into the freezer.]
[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norrison me.
(10:57):
I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.
[Steins] Here.
A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.
[Holloway] We cool?
[Steins] Yeah, we're square.
I guess I'm just gonna have to get used tothis reality.
[Holloway] Reality?
[Steins] Come on.
I'll drive us back to the precinct.
[Holloway] Drive?
Horse people aren't allowed to drive.
(11:19):
[Steins] What?
[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in thecar.
[Steins] Huh...
Well I guess that's that.
Interdimensional problem solved?
[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the tittybar.
[Credit Music]
(11:43):
[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, NathanFeuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,
Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves,Maelle Jayet.
Directed by MJG.
Created by Nathan Feuerberg.
[Music]
(00:05):
[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.
Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homelesspeople $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their
clothes.
While our heroes saved the world from a MadScientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful
homeless people reported what had happenedto various media outlets and social justice
(00:26):
groups.
[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.
[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?
[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation forthe last week.
(00:48):
[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.
[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirtingwith on the radio.
[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it ifyou stop that.
It's a bit uncomfortable when you start witha CB sex.
[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!
Mumford!
Get in here!
[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.
(01:08):
[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.
Me and the captain go way back.
I've got this.
[Officer Steins] Sir!
[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.
I'm digging that scented candle.
What is that, sandalwood?
[Steins] Dude...
(01:29):
[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthytone to it.
I'm guessing patchouli.
[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any ofyour business, but it's Moroccan fig.
[Holloway] Very soothing.
You know I can feel the stress just liftingoff my...
[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.
[Sighs.]
(01:50):
[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were youtwo thinking?
I should suspend you both for a week.
[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealtwith it, sir.
[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look outfront?
[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.
[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]
(02:11):
[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.
They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.
[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflakein the county is on our lawn.
[Steins] That's what this is about.
[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.
[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.
[Holloway] Yeah.
(02:32):
[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!
This situation is nothing to laugh about.
For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteeringdown at the soup kitchen.
[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out therewill protest anything.
You give in this time and tomorrow they'llbe rallying for health care.
(02:55):
[Steins] Ugh, health care.
Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and goout there.
[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hearanother word. [Sighs]
Now get your butts down to that shelter.
(03:30):
[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]
[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.
[Steins] No shit.
[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peevedover a couple of social justice squatters.
[Steins] It's because he's, you know...
[Holloway] Cuz he's what?
[Steins] Black...
[Holloway] Huh?
[Steins] They have more sympathy for stufflike that.
(03:52):
[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know...racist.
[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone wouldcall racist.
My first girlfriend was black.
[Holloway] Oh sorry....
[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40. (04:05):
undefined
[Holloway] So you're saying we have to gospoon soup cuz the captain's black?
[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're justtwisting my words.
[Holloway] I'm not judging...
(04:25):
[Steins] There's nothing to judge.
[Holloway] Yeah... of course...
[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.
[Holloway] ...like what?
[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off ofa butterfly.
[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.
[Steins & Holloway step across the parkinglot into the soup kitchen.]
(05:03):
[Chef Rolland] Marcel!
I told you to caramelize the onions.
[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?
[Holloway] My cui..?
[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.
[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.
(05:23):
[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on thehomeless.
[Holloway] What?
[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.
[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?
I think not.
You will wash the dish.
[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.
(05:45):
[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here toclean up that slop.
[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or youwill crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong
[Steins] All right, all right, all right.
[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!
What is this?
[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.
(06:07):
[Steins] Is that split pea?
[Holloway] I think it just moved.
[Steins] You should really put on some rubbergloves.
[Holloway] Me?
What about you?
[Steins] I'm going to investigate.
[Holloway] Come again?
[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land,make a mental map of the compound.
(06:28):
[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditchingme.
[Steins] What?
I'm looking out for us.
I'm doing this for you.
I'll be right back.
[Holloway] Can you at least check if theyhave popsicles?
[Steins] What are you 12?
[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.
[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.
(06:53):
[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]
[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]
[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.
Let's see.
(07:14):
Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.
We'll I'll be!
summer borscht popsicles.
[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]
[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?
(07:36):
Press here to change your life?
Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.
[Steins clicks the machine's button.]
[The machine whirl to life.]
[It's hum gets louder and louder.]
[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.
(08:01):
[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]
[Silence]
[Steins] What just happened?
Why does it feel like I have a furry face?
No, no, no,
[Steins clops down the hallway.]
Where's the bathroom in this place?
(08:23):
[Steins clops down the hallway, and turnson the bathroom sink.]
[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.
I've got, I've got a face like a horse.
Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.
That machine actually worked.
I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different frommy own.
(08:46):
And in this world
I'm a horse-man.
[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]
[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.
(09:06):
[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.
[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]
[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain'tno horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.
[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.
[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must takeyour hooves out of here.
[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?
(09:27):
[Chef Rolland] Hooves.
[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.
[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody seesyou.
[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outsidecleaning around the dumpster.
If the health inspector catches you in here,they'll shut the whole place down.
[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.
But what can I say, you are cheval.
(09:48):
[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.
[Steins] Not personal?
You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.
[Holloway] Well I mean...
[Steins] I'm a horse-man.
You hear me?
Horse-man.
[Holloway] It's cool.
Don't be no mule.
[Steins] Now I'm a mule?
[Steins smacks Holloway.]
[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.
[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, sohorse.
(10:12):
[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.
[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break yournose.
[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing thesaddle off you.
[Steins] I don't need this.
I'll just go back in the freezer lock, pressthe machine's button, and 'poof.'
I'll be back in my own reality.
[Steins clops back to the freezer.]
(10:35):
[The machine sparks and buzzes.]
[Steins] What the hell?
The dimensional device?
It's broken?
I'm stuck in this reality?
I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?
[Holloway steps into the freezer.]
[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norrison me.
(10:57):
I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.
[Steins] Here.
A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.
[Holloway] We cool?
[Steins] Yeah, we're square.
I guess I'm just gonna have to get used tothis reality.
[Holloway] Reality?
[Steins] Come on.
I'll drive us back to the precinct.
[Holloway] Drive?
Horse people aren't allowed to drive.
(11:19):
[Steins] What?
[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in thecar.
[Steins] Huh...
Well I guess that's that.
Interdimensional problem solved?
[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the tittybar.
[Credit Music]
(11:43):
[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, NathanFeuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,
Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves,Maelle Jayet.
Directed by MJG.
Created by Nathan Feuerberg.
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