Standing Nowhere

There's a version of yourself you can see clearly — and then there's where you actually are right now. That gap can feel like failure.

This episode begins with a story about a declined card on my wife's birthday, a Lord of the Rings book hidden at the bottom of a Target basket, and the quiet shame of walking back to the car with nothing. From there, it becomes a reflection on vairagya — the falling away of desire — an...

Jacob thought the reason he hadn't done more interviews was scheduling. But one night it hit him — it wasn't really the schedule. It was fear. Not fear of talking to people, but fear of what they might bring with them. Grief. Pain. Loss. Truth.

In this episode, he traces that fear back to a Lyft ride in Las Vegas he's never forgotten — a stranger gets in the car, bursts into tears, and shares a story of devastating lo...

For most of my life, I never questioned it. I was Jacob. My thoughts, my experiences, my feelings — that was me.

Then meditation started doing something I didn't ask it to do.

In this episode I'm talking about self — or more precisely, the growing suspicion that the self you've spent your whole life protecting might not be what you think it is. I share the moment this cracked open for me mid-delivery, crying alone in a...

We act on what we perceive, not what's real. And we rarely know the difference.

In this episode Jacob examines perception at every level — the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, the assumptions we make about strangers, the myths nations tell themselves about their own goodness, and the deepest illusion of all: the mind's projection of a divided reality onto what is fundamentally one.

Along the way: a gas bill that ...

 Most of us spend our spiritual lives in the hearing and understanding phase — and never quite cross into direct experience. In this episode, Jacob opens in real time, frustrated after seven false starts, becoming the thesis of the episode before he even names it. From sitting on a cushion at 6:30am to waddling through a grocery store in compromised underwear, this is what direct experience actually looks like. Why belief won'...

What do you do when relief finally arrives — and you find yourself reaching for a new kind of misery? In this episode, Jacob explores the concept of the inamorata: the beloved we can't quit, whether that's financial stress, comfortable numbness, collective atrocity, or the systems we refuse to dismantle. From a little girl named Sara in Iran, to AI being used for mass surveillance, to Anthropic's complicated stand ag...

You don't need a retreat, a monastery, or a perfect morning routine to practice.

In this episode, Jacob explores what it means to stop running — not from responsibility, but from the present moment itself. Through reflections on early mornings, financial stress, gig work, and parenting on tired legs, he unpacks the difference between surrender and avoidance, and why real practice happens right in the middle of your ordinary lif...

What happens when you're a daily meditator and still choose petty revenge? After a brutal morning of delivery work and a no-tip pizza order to a 4th-floor apartment, I left the food outside—fully aware I was being petty, watching myself make the choice, unable to stop it. This episode explores the uncomfortable truth about spiritual practice: you don't become perfect, you just become aware of your imperfection.

I share the...

Do you ever wake up feeling good, then suddenly remember all your financial stress and it drags you down? That's where I'm at.

In this episode, I'm trying something new: the "open threads" recording method. No outline, no script—just hitting record and following where my mind goes when I'm stressed about money, work, and negative self-talk.

I've been meditating daily for 3+ years...

30 episodes in 7 months. I can't believe I pulled it off.

In this episode, I reflect on what surprised me, what I've learned, and why I'm stepping back from weekly Thursday releases (for now). I also share a Zen story about a samurai and a monk—"the gates of heaven and hell"—that's been sticking with me, especially after recording Episode 30 with my dad.

Afterparty bonus starts at 12:...

My dad, Grant Buehler, joins me for his first podcast appearance to talk honestly about the anger he inherited, the moments it nearly destroyed him, and what finally began to change.

We talk about growing up with a father shaped by World War II trauma, the patterns that get passed down in families, and a deathbed reconciliation that shifted everything. Grant also shares his own battles with rage—from a near-fatal car accident in col...

I've been meditating daily for 3 years. I'm still broke, still grinding 60+ hours a week doing deliveries, still struggling financially. So... does meditation actually work?

In this episode, I answer questions I've never seen before about spiritual materialism, whether meditation "fixes" your external life, how to reconcile spiritual surrender with survival responsibilities, and why I'm really...

What does "resolution" actually mean at its root? Not forcing—loosening. In the final episode of 2025, I reflect on a year of struggle, growth, and showing up anyway. Honest thoughts on time constraints, mental health, sobriety, and trusting when you can't see the path forward. With wisdom from Lao Tzu, Meister Eckhart, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Rilke.

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What does compassion look like in action?

In this Christmas Day special, I share two powerful true stories that changed how I think about seeing people differently.

The first is "A Soft Answer" by Terry Dobson—an American aikido student in 1960s Japan who learns what his martial art really means when an elderly man transforms a violent encounter on a Tokyo train with nothing but kind words and curiosity.

The second is a stor...

At 19, I climbed Reaper Mountain in Marine Corps boot camp with hairline fractures in both feet. At 42, I'm trying to get back in shape after three years of failure. This episode is about what it means to keep showing up when you know you might fail.

I tell three stories about broken feet:

Story 1: The Crucible, 2003. Sleep-deprived, starving, both metatarsal bones fractured. Looking up at an impossibly steep...

What does it actually look like to stay present when you're driving 10–12 hours a day, feeling lonely in your car, grieving lost friends, and still trying to create?

For this milestone episode, I tried something different—I asked Claude to generate 6 spontaneous topics about my life that I'd never seen before, then hit record and responded from the heart with zero preparation.

What emerged was a raw conversation about stayi...

This week, I couldn't lock in a guest—and honestly, I've been struggling to lock in much of anything lately. Backsliding on habits, drowning in self-blame, stuck in the gap between where I am and where I want to be.

Then, while decorating the Christmas tree, I realized I'd completely forgotten one of my son's ornaments. The one he made at five years old. The one with his tiny handprint pressed into paint. He&apos...

This one is more raw, intense, and emotionally unfiltered than usual — because real healing rarely looks clean.

 A late-night conversation between two brothers doing their best to stay present in the middle of real life.

It wasn’t planned. It started as a late-night hangout with my younger brother Jeremy and turned into one of the most honest conversations we’ve ever recorded.

Jeremy has lived through more than most people twice his a...

What do we do with grief, synchronicity, and the strange ways love keeps showing up?

In this episode, I sit down with one of my oldest and closest friends, Raphael “Rafi” Rozenberg. We met in 1997 and have lived through almost everything together—high-school chaos, fatherhood, marriages, losses, and all the weird twists of life in between.

Rafi opens up about growing up in an Orthodox Jewish home, the accident that changed his father...