Episode 1: I Don't Know What I'm Doing

✍️ Episode 1: “I Don’t Know What I’m Doing”

Content note: This episode includes reflections on personal struggle and emotional hardship. Please listen with care if you’re in a sensitive place.

On his 42nd birthday, Jacob hits record for the first time — not as a guru, but as a fellow human navigating burnout, financial hardship, and spiritual awakening.

In this vulnerable debut of Standing Nowhere — a podcast about mindfulness, personal growth, and the human experience — he shares the raw story behind the mic:
• Why he left the corporate world and walked away from sales
• Surviving poverty, debt, and starting over in Arizona
• Working 60-hour weeks as a delivery driver
• The moment of surrender that sparked a deeper trust in life

If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your path, this is for you. No advice, no platitudes — just presence, reflection, and the beginning of a conversation about what it really means to wake up.

Want to share a thought?

🔗 All links in one place: https://linktr.ee/standingnowhere
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❤️ Support the show on Patreon
📧 Email: [e-mail]

Episode Transcript

Jacob (00:03):
Hello fellow listeners and welcome to the first episode
of the Standing Nowherepodcast.
As the title suggests, I don'tknow what I'm doing.
I have no clue how to start apodcast, how to do a podcast.

(00:28):
I suppose I should get intowhy.
I feel the compulsion to startsomething that I have no idea
how to do.
I mean, honestly, it'ssomething that I feel really
pulled to do.

(00:49):
And yet, when I get close todoing it or sitting down and
recording or listening to anepisode, because I've recorded a
couple of practice episodes,several hours worth actually,
None of which I was happy with.
I mean, right now I'm justfilled with nervousness, right?

(01:11):
Uneasiness, a sort of tension,if you will.
Something I want to do sobadly, and yet I have no idea
how to do it.
And this is literally the verybeginning.
This is the first minute,couple of minutes, and we're off
to the races.
And I don't know what thispodcast...
is going to look like in a fewmonths or years, or if it'll

(01:33):
even be around.
But today's my birthday.
It's my 42nd birthday, and Ithought, well, what better day
to start?
I've been wanting to start thispodcast for quite a while now,
several years.
It first took kind of a vagueform of just wanting to do

(01:53):
something with my voice, arecording of some kind.
I drove...
Well, before I started drivingpeople around doing Uber, I used
to work at a call center.
People would always tell me,you've got a radio voice.
You've got a radio voice.
Driving people around in Uberrides, same thing.

(02:17):
The desire to record or start apodcast kind of came in and out
from other people telling methat I should.
Some might say I have anarticulate voice or I can be
persuasive, but it reallydepends on what we're talking

(02:38):
about.
You see, I come from abackground in sales.
I've done sales for about 15years.
I have not done it in the lastseven or eight years, and I
don't like sales.
I don't like pushing thingsonto people.
I don't like selling things topeople.
I don't like persuading people.

(02:58):
I don't like that feeling atall.
It gives me an ill feelinginside.
I have a cousin who lives herenow.
He just moved here to Arizona,and he does car sales.
And he told me he doesn't likeit either.
And he's good at it.
He's also an actor.
He's done voiceover work.

(03:19):
But he doesn't like sales.
Why don't we like sales?
It just feels artificial.
You're just pushing things onpeople, trying to get them to do
something.
I did over the phone sales.
I've done network marketing.

(03:39):
I've always been really good atwhatever sales I was doing,
mostly in my 20s.
But I reached a point where Iwas saying to myself, do I
believe in this or what am Idoing?
I'm getting people to spendtheir money to take my advice to
do something and it's costingthem money and their time.

(04:03):
Do I believe in the thing thatI'm selling?
A lot of the times the answerto that question was no,
especially in network marketing.
I had reached, I won't say whatcompany it was, but I had
reached in the top fraction of apercentile.
People rarely ever reach thelevel of direct marketing, or

(04:24):
not direct marketing, butmulti-level marketing, network
marketing, whatever you want tocall it.
I would cold call realtors.
I had spreadsheets about whento call them back and follow up
with them to see if I could getthem to sign up.
It was a lot of work.
It reached the point where Ijust couldn't do it anymore.

(04:45):
I had done it in conjunctionwith my main job, which was also
over-the-phone sales forvacations and You know, the
prepackaged vacations where yourshuttle and your food,
everything's included.
And I sold cruises.
And then, what did I do afterthat?

(05:07):
Network marketing took off.
I started to surpass my mainjob income with my network
marketing income.
And then one day came alongwhere I got fired from my main
job.
And I was really glad that Ibuilt up my network marketing
business.
But it was kind of scary to getfired.
And then I did my networkmarketing full time.

(05:30):
And that was really stressful.
And that started to declinebecause I was so stressed and I
was trying too hard.
So I got another job, also insales, basically booking rooms
for a hotel in Las Vegas, a bighotel chain.
And I would get commissions ifI upsold suites for the larger

(05:50):
ones.
So long story short, I'vealways been in sales.
And I'm sick of doing sales.
I'm sick of pushing things ontopeople.
So those listening to thispodcast, you can rest assured I
am not trying to push anythingon you.
That brings me up to anotherpoint.
Why am I doing this podcast?
Why do I feel so compelled todo it?
Well, to backtrack, I had beentold in my job over the phone

(06:16):
doing sales to...
You know, people kept tellingme, you have a radio voice, you
should do a podcast, you shoulddo something on the radio, you
should do voiceover, blah, blah,blah.
Constantly, you should do this,you should do this, you should
do this.
So everyone's telling me,you've got the voice, why don't
you do it?
Well, what if you have nothingto say, right?
So I kind of farted around anddid a couple of podcasts,

(06:40):
episodes with my brother,nothing at all serious.
We recorded them on our phone,and then I did a couple by
myself on my phone, and then Idid one with my gaming headset
on my PC, and that one actuallygot a couple of hundred listens,
and it generated enough moneyfor me to buy a Rockstar energy
drink.
And I thought, wow, that'spretty cool.

(07:02):
If I can just sit down and talkfor 30, 40 minutes to an hour
or whatever, and make some moneyout of it, that's pretty cool.
But the thing is, Again, Idon't want to sell things to
people and I don't want to getinto something just for the
money aspect.
I'm not a money motivatedperson.
Ironically, one of the onlythings that can really get to me

(07:24):
in life or stress me out ismoney.
money or financial insecurity.
And I've never experiencedfinancial insecurity.
Like I have in the last I wantto say seven years, but really
in the last five years, likeafter COVID started, I have not
felt financially secure.
For at least seven years, butespecially the last five.

(07:46):
After COVID hit, everythingfell apart.
My ability to earn and down thetubes.
I was doing Uber and Lyft atthe time.
And my son, who has veryserious asthma, it was a very
scary thing at the time.
We didn't know what...
What it could do.
COVID was still kind of amystery.
So we were all staying home, ifyou guys remember the

(08:08):
quarantine months, and they weresending in the $600 weekly
checks, I believe.
Not much.
For some people, it's a lot,but it was enough for us to get
by.
And then those fell through thefloor.
They stopped sending them to meafter like three, four months.
So I had to go start makingmoney again.

(08:29):
And I eventually did bring homeCOVID to my wife and my son.
Luckily, he showed no symptoms.
He was only 14 at the time,something like that.
My wife and I got pretty ill,though.
We were floored for a couple ofdays.
Our sense of smell and tastehas never quite gone back.
I still feel weird aroundgarlic.
I used to always love it.

(08:49):
Now I can barely smell it.
stomach it?
I mean, it depends.
But it was a rough time for me.
My credit score went throughthe floor.
when the payments weren'tcoming through, there was a real
lull period in Uber and Lyftrides.
And I had not had theintelligence yet to start doing
deliveries because at the timethey were flourishing.

(09:09):
Nobody wanted to go out.
Everybody was orderingdeliveries.
And I didn't do that in gigwork yet.
So I had switched from sales toUber and Lyft.
And then I experienced majorincome issues when they stopped
sending me unemployment.
And that was due to a computerglitch.
So I didn't get unemploymentfor about a year.
In that year, I was barely ableto get by I eventually got my

(09:34):
earnings back up to where theyneeded to be but by that point
there was like several months ofrent that were like piled up
and luckily I had them I forgetwhat the term was it was like
what they call the moratorium Iwas taking advantage of that so
that we wouldn't be on thestreet eventually they did fix
the computer glitch and theysent me back owed unemployment,

(09:58):
which was in the amount of like35 grand or something
ridiculous.
But by that point, my creditscore had dropped from the 750,
770 range all the way down to, Iwant to say 500s, low 500s,
maybe high 400s, low 500s.
It was terrible.
And I had never experienced badcredit before, but holy smokes.

(10:23):
And anyone listening to me thathas experienced bad credit
knows what I'm talking about.
Like you become an outcast insociety.
And I have very strong feelingstowards our economic system and
especially our credit system.
You know, in a nutshell, I willplant a flag in the ground
saying that the credit systemthat we currently have is

(10:45):
broken.
It is a scam.
It is not accurate at all.
And it's designed to keeppeople down.
I was rejected for every housethat I applied for.
I didn't realize having a lowcredit score meant you couldn't
get a place to rent, forChrist's sake.
So I couldn't find, you know, Ihad eventually caught up with

(11:06):
my my payments with my landlord.
And even though I had beenthere for four years, never
missed a payment once in thattime until the COVID incident,
in which case I eventually didpay all of it back before we
even moved out.
He wanted me out and didn'teven want to talk.
There was no discussion to behad.

(11:27):
It was just, you're out, you'redone.
So You know how it is withlandlords.
They don't really care aboutyou, especially when they go
through a homeowners associationor a management company.
There's like that bufferbetween them.
It's like, I've dropped somecash into a place.
Here, run it for me.

(11:48):
And the people inside of it,the family that needs the home,
they're just trash.
They're just paying mymortgage, which is increasing in
value.
I won't sidetrack, but it was abig, hot mess.
And it made me go through arange of emotions, frustration,
and Like my very identity, likewho I thought I was just changed

(12:11):
overnight.
I went from somebody who paidall their bills on time, had
everything on auto pay, neverreally thought much about money,
had a pretty decent creditscore.
And I was never rich by anystretch of the imagination, but
I always had enough money to dothe things that I wanted to do
in life.
And suddenly I could barelykeep rent or make rent.

(12:32):
And my credit score wasterrible.
No one wanted to touch me.
So we got kicked out of thathouse, had to move into another
house where it was like lowcredit people and it was a
really shady business and theyput us into a house that was
like seriously neglected.
The air conditioning unit had abig hole in it and it was
sucking in hot, dusty, dirty airfrom the attic, bypassing the

(12:56):
air filter for about 20 minutes.
I want to say two months.
And eventually when the summerreally started to ramp up late
July, early August, it was like80 degrees in the house and the
AC wouldn't shut off.
So I finally forced thatmanagement company to come out
and fix the darn thing.
Long story short, I wentthrough a pretty big nightmare

(13:18):
period over this last sevenyears, especially the last five.
However, about three years ago,I hit my lowest point.
I decided after that crappyhouse that we had to move into

(13:45):
with the bad air conditioner andwhatnot and various other
problems which I won't get into,my mom texted me and she said,
why don't you guys move toGilbert, Arizona out here and be
with us?
Because a lot of my family hadmoved out to Gilbert and
Chandler in the Phoenix metrobasically, little suburbs on the

(14:05):
outskirts of the metro.
My mom had called me, you know,kind of at the peak of when we
were really struggling in Vegaswith my new lower credit score,
living in the worst part oftown.
We decided to pack it up andmove out.

(14:25):
My mom said, you know, you cancome live with me for a couple
months while you get on yourfeet.
So three or four months withher, we got our own place.
And We were really happy whenwe came out here, not just
because we were closer tofamily, but because it was a
fresh environment from Vegas.
It was very similar, you know,one desert to another.
It might be slightly hotterhere, a little bit more family

(14:46):
oriented out here.
And One of the things thatimmediately started happening
was the reality set in about howhard I would have to work in
life, kind of from here on outfor the indefinite future.
And I'm still in that rightnow, that extreme workload.

(15:07):
Typically, I have to do atleast 50 to 60 hours a week to
survive.
And maybe one or two weeks inthe My first place that I got
was an apartment, and it wasabout $2,200 a month.
And if I was late, which I wasfor many months, because...

(15:28):
It was hard to live.
They would bump up the fees toabout $2,400, $2,500 a month.
So for the first real year ofliving in Gilbert, I was paying
about $2,400 to $2,500 a monthin rent alone.
My car, because I had gotteninto an accident with my last
car when I had good credit and Ihad to get a new car, they

(15:50):
would only give me a car with, Ithink, 13% or 14% APR.
So I'm still paying on that carnow.
And it's like $472 a month.
My insurance kept climbing upand up and up because insurance
is also linked to your creditscore.
So it was like this triple kickin the balls, pardon my

(16:12):
language, from rent, paying thecar bill, the insurance.
All these things were climbingup and up and up because of my
credit score.
Never mind the fact that I waslike a 750, just nearing on 800
credit score for my whole life.
None of that matters.
Overnight, if your credit scoregoes down, you're done.

(16:33):
And I went from no car billwhich was unfortunately
destroyed in a, in a lift ride.
Um, I was driving on a rainyday and I just happened to drive
through a street that was alittle more flooded than I
thought it was.
And I thought I could just kindof go slow and get through it
without splashing too much, butit sucked up water into the air

(16:54):
intake and blew the motor.
It's what a mechanic I thinkwould call hydro locking where
your pistons fill up with water.
And then of course, water doesnot compress like air does.
So when the pistons go tocompress the, uh, they don't
compress.
So the piston rods bend andsnap off and it totaled my car.
Six years of paying on thatcar, building my credit score,

(17:14):
and then suddenly my car, myasset was destroyed.
Or more precisely, my ass wasdestroyed in that car.
And then I got another car whenmy credit score was still
decent and that car, I crashedinto somebody because he turned
left when he wasn't supposed to.
I got nothing for it and he gota settlement somehow, by the
way.
You know, woe is me, all theselittle bad things that happened

(17:37):
to me in life story, but I'mgrateful for them because after
that car got destroyed, I gotthis car that I'm driving now,
which is a Forte.
It's a six-speed manual, whichI love.
It's a little four-banger.
It's got pretty good mileage.
I love manual transmissions,but I'm paying $472 a month on
this bad boy.

(17:57):
And the insurance, when I wasgetting commercial insurance so
I could do deliveries for aliving like DoorDash and things
like that or Uber and Lyft, thecommercial coverage for
insurance was up to $370.
So all these bills were justgoing through the roof.
And the cost of living for foodand things like that went up

(18:17):
during the four years, 20 to 24.
The Biden administration, forwhatever reason, got rid of
Medicare for me and my family aswell.
So I've not had healthinsurance for me and the kids
for, oh gosh, six years now,five, six years.
So it's been a big change.
And I don't say all thisbecause of woe is me, but this
is tying into why I wanted tostart this podcast.

(18:39):
And...
Okay, so just to recap, becausewe're about 19 minutes in now,
I'd been hearing from people inmy sales career while it lasted,
you should do radio, you shoulddo podcasting.
Okay, thank you for thesuggestion.
I have really no interest indoing that.
What would I even talk about?

(18:59):
And then I switch over to Uberand Lyft rides, and people in
the Uber and Lyft rides aretelling me I should do it.
I'm like, okay, thank you.
But again, what am I going totalk about?
I don't know how to do thatstuff.
I've been in sales my wholelife, and now I'm not in sales.
Now I don't know what I want todo.
So I was doing Uber and Lyftand then eventually moved to
Arizona.
Uber and Lyft didn't work outhere because the metro is just

(19:22):
too big.
So I did deliveries, which isnicer because I can stick in my
area, which is likeChandler-Gilbert area, the
southeast part of Phoenix.
But while I was doingdeliveries and experiencing
this...
this immense pressure tosurvive and work these extreme

(19:43):
hours.
Because before, when I wasdoing Uber and Lyft, before the
cost of living went up, I onlyhad to work about 30 hours a
week.
And I had started smokingcannabis a couple of months or
years prior to that as well.
So I was kind of like living inthis hazy cloud of comfort.
I wasn't like a wake and bakerby any stretch of the
imagination, but I did like tosmoke just a little bit when I

(20:05):
got home.
And I don't advocate for oragainst cannabis.
It's a personal thing uhoverall i might lead lean
towards sobriety just becausesobriety is such a wonderful
thing and i don't believe intalking ourselves into needing
things you know some people callit medicine whatever but you
can get addicted to anything youknow Anyways, not to sidetrack

(20:26):
or digress, but the first yearin Gilbert was really rough
because of the cost of living.
And I had found myself workingmore than I had ever worked in
my life.
And like I mentioned earlier,I'm still in that boat.
But at the time, I had neverexperienced a demand like that
before, especially a job likedeliveries.
I had never been in my caralone for 10 hours, 11 hours a

(20:49):
day, sometimes 12 hours a day.
And it got to me like it wouldanybody.
Human beings, they say scienceis finding that we're most
productive around 30 hours orless a week.
40 is even pushing it.
And I'm sitting here doing 50to 60 hours on top of being
stressed, right?
Like I had never experiencedstress before, like financial

(21:14):
stress, where...
you're waking up and some of mylisteners can relate to this
right now.
And if so, this might be a goodpodcast for you because I would
wake up at two or three in themorning thinking about rent,
thinking about bills, and wakingup almost every day in the red.
Because with Uber and Lyft andgig work, you know, in general,
you can cash out your earningson a daily basis.

(21:36):
So I'd find myself racing eachday to cover what was needed.
It was what bills were goingthrough.
And then waking up in the redthe next day and racing to get
out of the red to avoidoverdraft fees.
I mean, it was a reallysickening thing.
There's people in the UnitedStates or in the world abroad
that live in comfort.
They've always lived incomfort.

(21:56):
They don't know or can conceiveof what it's like to live in
poverty and what it does to you.
Poverty is not something thatyou are doing to yourself.
It is something outside of youthat is being pressed down upon
you.
No one was ever meant to livein poverty.

(22:19):
You know, there's some modernday nut jobs that say, well, you
got to work by the sweat ofyour brow.
We're always meant to work,work, work, work, work.
I'm not against work.
I'm against people living inpoverty.
That's not a human beings ingeneral.
It's not natural.

(22:40):
Where there is poverty, thereis a problem with the economic
system.
And I'm not going to digressinto politics, capitalism,
socialism, Marx, all that stuff.
I'm not going to digress intothat.
I'm just saying the reality isif you are in poverty, it is by
no fault of your own.
Nobody should be in poverty.

(23:00):
And I'm not saying like...
You don't have to beresponsible with your money or
anything like that, not at all.
Everyone needs to beresponsible with their money,
their time, et cetera, or atleast cognizant of it, but you
cannot blame yourself if you arein poverty.
Right now, many Americans, wellover half, are in chronic

(23:21):
financial stress.
So if the vast majority ofpeople are in a sickening
poverty situation, it's notbecause of the choices that
we're making as people, It isbecause of a broken economic
system.
We've got billionaires comingout of the walls, people talking
about the first trillionairesabout to emerge, and then all of

(23:42):
a sudden everyone else isstruggling to live.
It's not a coincidence.
This is not a politicalpodcast, but I will not shy away
from telling it like it is.
Now, some people are reallyhard on themselves.
They say poverty is a mindset.
If you're broke, it's becauseyou're thinking broke.
You've got to think rich.
And that was a problem that Ifound myself in when I was in

(24:05):
network marketing.
And that ties into where I wasthree years ago at my ultra-low
point.
And I'm going to connect allthese dots here for you soon and
kind of graduate as we movetowards the finish line about
what this podcast is about andwho it's for.
And it's really going to be foreveryone, but especially those

(24:25):
suffering from...
stress, not just financialstress, but all the stresses of
life, you know, fear of death,fear of being homeless, etc.
So I found myself in asituation where I had never
worked this much before, and Iwas starting to really feel it.

(24:45):
But I forgot, let's go back fora the mindset of poverty where
people, you know, there's likethe grind set people.
I don't know if you guys haveheard that That hashtag
grindset, G-R-I-N-D-S-E-A-T, youhave to have this mindset that

(25:05):
you're basically excited togrind yourself to the bone.
It's a really sickeningsituation that we're in in the
country.
But when I was in networkmarketing especially, one of the
things that they wouldemphasize was self-help, which
actually ironically ties intowhere I was three years ago and

(25:28):
the how I got to where I am nowand eventually starting this
podcast.
So the self-help books that Iread were really terrible for my
mental health.
They were all kind of pointingto you as if you were
responsible for all yoursuccesses and you were
responsible for all yourfailures.
So I tried like positiveaffirmations.

(25:51):
And if you've ever seen that,what is it, Stuart Smalley on
SNL back in the day, it might bebefore a lot of your time that
are listening, but there wasthis guy on Saturday Night Live.
He used to always look in themirror and be like, I'm smart
enough.
I'm fun enough, and gosh darnit, people like me or something
like that.
I tried everything,affirmations, positive thinking,

(26:15):
everything you can think of inthese self-help books.
I tried it, and I read tons andtons of books.
I'm a big reader.
I always have been.
And for the first time in mylife, I was not really reading
fiction anymore.
I was reading these nonfiction,quote-unquote, self-help books,
which really peaked in the2010s.
There was one book that wasreally a gem, maybe two.

(26:36):
One of them was the...
Yeah, there was actually threebooks that really stuck with me,
but I'll just talk about twobriefly here.
One of them was called WhereverYou Go, There You Are.
And I can't remember the nameof the author, sadly.
I've read it twice, but Iremember reading that book.
And back then when I read theseself-help books...
in the network marketingcompanies that I was in, I was

(26:59):
always kind of looking at whatnuggets can I get out of these
books to be a bettersalesperson, to get people to
say yes.
I read one book.
It was called Go for No.
It was like you got to set agoal, not how many yeses you're
going to get for the day, buthow many no's you're going to
get for the day.
That way you don't quit.
So I would cold call theserealtors, be like, okay, I got

(27:19):
10 no's, 10 more to go.
I didn't stop until I got 20no's per day.
Imagine cold calling.
you know, tons and tons ofpeople trying to get a total of
20 rejections in a day.
This is where I was at, youknow, many years ago.
But these self-help books weredoing massive, massive

(27:39):
psychological harm to me.
They were basically telling methat if I wasn't successful, it
was a problem on my end, likepoverty was a mindset.
And, you know, there's somemaybe nuggets of wisdom in that
you don't want to think ofyourself as a poor person.
Like right now, I amfinancially very poor.
You know, like most Americans Idon't have a few hundred

(28:01):
dollars for an emergency.
I'm living paycheck topaycheck.
And that's not because of achoice I made.
My wife and I, we barely spendmoney as is.
So how can we live almost onvapor and then blame myself on
top of it for not being moresuccessful, quote unquote,
whatever that means in thiscountry, in this economy, this

(28:22):
economic system.
So anyways, I read a lot ofbooks that were very harmful to
my health and health just evendoing positive affirmations,
your brain's not reallybelieving them.
So the whole time you'resaying, I'm a successful person,
I'm a successful person, I'm asuccessful person, your brain's
like, yeah, right, you're afucking loser, you're a fucking
loser, you're a fucking loser.

(28:44):
And that's what your brain isdoing whenever you try to fight
against the grain, basically.
You're trying to rewrite theprogram describing who and what
you are, and you can't do that,which we're going to get into.
And To tie this together, I wasat a low point three years ago

(29:04):
and Oh, yes, I'm sorry, the bookfirst.
Sorry, again, I don't know howto do a podcast, so I'm getting
used to organizing my thoughtsand having constructive flows
here, but I promise this willall come together.
So I read this book, WhereverYou Go, There You Are, and it
started talking about somethingcalled mindfulness.
Now, when I say that wordmindfulness, all kinds of things

(29:25):
will pop in your head.
Oh, yeah, good way to beproductive.
Oh, yeah, good way to be betterat sales.
Oh, yeah, mindfulness, good wayto be better at this, better at
that.
What can we use mindfulness forto get better at, right?
And there was another book Iread called The Power of the
Subconscious Mind, which waskind of, I think, also geared
for salespeople.
But there was something very,very, very interesting in The

(29:46):
Power of the Subconscious Mindbook that I read.
And these books, by the way, Idon't advocate for anyone.
Wherever you go, there you are.
That's a great book.
I recommend that book.
The Power of Your SubconsciousMind, don't recommend that book.
But there was a nugget that Igot out of it, which you can get
much, much better from otherbooks.
And it was the nugget of beingpresent with what is, being

(30:06):
mindful of what is.
There was a particular partwhere it said, and I'm
paraphrasing the book here, butit said like, for example, when
you are brushing your teeth, youare only brushing brushing your
teeth.
You are feeling the bristles onyour teeth.
You are feeling the acidicfeeling from the fluoride, the
rinsing.

(30:27):
You are just completely withwhat is.
When you are walking from yourcar to your job, you are just
walking from your car to yourjob.
You are just feeling your feeton the ground, the wind on your
skin.
Whatever sensations are arisingin the present moment, that is
all that you are with.
And that really hit me.

(30:48):
That really stuck with me.
And I didn't realize how muchit did at the time.
But I found myself kind ofcurious about that.
I was like, wow, that actuallyfeels really good.
All the books I've read havenot made me feel this good of
just being with what is.
So I started downloading likehypnosis apps.
And this is all years agobefore I moved.

(31:09):
I'm kind of like digressing andthen coming back.
It's kind of like a weird,what's a good example?
I'm sorry.
What was the Guy Ritchie moviewhere it's like flashing back
and forward through time?
I don't know.
Okay.
So anyways, I downloaded thesehypnosis apps that were really
starting to dive into the mindand like calm the mind down and

(31:30):
stuff.
And none of those work for meeither.
They had the same reverseeffect.
Like I remember there was oneapp.
It was like download this formore confidence, you know, and
it would try to hypnotize youand say, oh, you are a more
confident person.
And it wasn't really– I didn'trealize it at the time, but it
wasn't really the calming downthat was really doing any, or
the message that was doinganything for me.

(31:52):
It was just the calming down.
It was just the being with whatis, looking at my mind,
watching my mind, becoming thewatcher instead of the doer and
the planner and the manipulatorand the striver.
I was, is that a word, striver?
the one striving, it was reallyjust the act of watching.

(32:12):
And I didn't realize it at thattime either, but notes of it,
traces of it were just carryingwith me as I kept going,
stumbling forward essentially.
So I get to Gilbert and I findmyself working more than I've
ever worked, you know, back intothree years ago, my lowest

(32:33):
point.
And And I got to the pointwhere I was so bummed out about
how much time I had to spendworking and living in my car
that I started to get reallydown.
I started to get really sad.
I would start crying ondeliveries.
I would start pounding on mysteering wheel.

(32:54):
Like, what?
how did I get here?
It's little old me and I justlike to have fun with my friends
and spend time with my kids andI'm a lighthearted fellow and
how did I get here?
How do I get out of here?
I suddenly felt like I was in abox or like stories you hear of

(33:17):
people who got their leg pinnedin an elevator or something and
they had nothing they could doexcept wait, wait, wait.
And I had this dark, darkthought, and it popped in my
head out of nowhere, and itsaid, I would love it if a car
would take me out.

(33:38):
I would love it if a car wouldjust collide with my car and
just take me out, or at leastcripple me so I can't do this
work anymore, and then the nextthing will present itself.
I was like, it can't.
It just can't be this hard allthe time.
It just can't be.

(33:59):
I can't do this.
You know, I didn't know what todo.
And I texted my friend, my goodfriend, who's been a friend of
mine since I was a kid.
And I told him, I said, I putmy thought in the form of a
text.
And I texted him somethinglike, man, it would just be so
much easier if I would just getT-boned or something, you know.
And I still vividly rememberlike which restaurant I was in

(34:23):
and where I was.
You know those little momentsin your life that just like
sears into your brain, you know?
Most people remember where theywere when JFK was assassinated
or when the planes hit the twotowers on 9-11, you know?
And I remember the 9-11incident and I very much
remember the day that I finallyexpressed the desire to not

(34:45):
exist, right?
And I wasn't suicidal.
Please believe me, suicide is avery serious thing.
You know, they say inphilosophy, the only real
philosophical question iswhether or not to commit
suicide.
And I found myself in thatposition where the idea of not
existing was more appealing thanexisting.

(35:07):
And again, I wasn't suicidalbecause I've always had this
love of adventure and No matterwhat.
Like when I was 19, I joinedthe Marine Corps.
And it was just on a whim.
I really liked that movieStarship Troopers.
And I liked the...
one of the main characters,Rico, how he just said, fuck it,

(35:27):
I'm going to join.
And I was like, let's do it.
The Marine Corps is prettysimilar to the Starship Trooper
people.
So I was like, I'm just goingto do it.
It wasn't for me.
And I did my time as best Icould and then got out.
And I learned a lot from it,made a lot of great friends.
But I just have that mentalityin life, like, let's fucking go.
You know, hoorah, as we say.

(35:48):
And this was a new adventurefor me.
So I had this mentality like,wow, here I am not, you know,
Desiring to not exist, or atleast the thought appeared in my
head, let's ride this out.
I didn't want to follow thatthought into the end, because
that's the end.
And what a terrible ending thatwould be.
So I really sat with it, and Iwas like...

(36:14):
I was like, wow, for the firsttime, I desire not to exist.
This is crazy.
You know, I've got kids andgreat kids, three great kids and
a loving wife, loving family.
I got so much going for me.
And that was part of the reasonI was down is because I
couldn't experience them as muchas I would like to.
Any human being forced to workeven 40 hours a week makes

(36:37):
people depressed.
Most people are reallyalienated at their job because
they're disconnected from thefruits of their labor.
They're not paid enough.
And 40 hours gets most peopledown.
Imagine 50 to 60 at least everyweek in your car alone by
yourself.
There's many jobs out therelike that.
And I'm not trying to say woeis me and I've got it worse than
all of you.
There's a lot of peoplelistening that'll say, wow,

(36:58):
that's worse than me.
Yeah, that's actually betterthan I have it.
I have it worse than you.
So we're not here to compare.
Sorry about the bumps here.
Because we all have our ownstory.
But I found myself in asituation where I had I had
never confronted the idea thatnot existing might be preferable
to existing.
I sent the text to my friend,and I just couldn't believe it.

(37:20):
And when that happened, I can'teven put into words, but it was
like...
I know some of you are not...
And I'm going to talk aboutthis too.
Like some people, when theyhear spiritual language, they
close their ears and they shutdown.
Some people, when they hearscientific language, they open

(37:41):
their ears, you know, their earsprick up and they're like, yes,
I can do science language.
I can't do religious talk.
Just hang, whichever one youare, just bear with me, okay?
In the Sermon on the Mount withJesus, there's one thing he
said where it was like, blessedare those who mourn for they
shall be comforted.
That word blessed or blessed Iforget the Greek word.

(38:04):
It's like marlikos, marlikos orsomething like that.
It means fulfilled, abundantlyliving.
It's like the most abundantidea of life is what that word
means, at least the way it'swritten in the gospel.
Jesus spoke Aramaic.

(38:24):
The gospel was written inGreek, but that's what the Greek
word means.
Abundantly alive are those whomourn.
for they shall be comforted.
And that's where I was.
I was mourning.
I was so sad.
And it was this deep sadness,deep, deep, deep.
And it's one thing to theorizeabout it or conceptualize it,

(38:48):
but it's another thing to reallylive it.
Like when you hear about poorpeople suffering or you hear
about like people in Palestine,you know, that's terrible.
And it does...
stir a lot of emotions in us,but it's a whole other thing to
be there and experience it.
Experience versus concepts,totally different, infinitely

(39:08):
apart.
And I found myself at thebottom of the abyss, at least
for me, up until that point inmy life.
I had never experiencedanything lower.
And I've experienced plenty oflow points in my life.
I've had plenty of bouts withdepression, all the way back to
when I was a kid.
Just being a more sensitive,empathic, intuitive, I don't

(39:30):
know how to describe myself as ayounger kid.
I was very, just with what Iwould, I don't know how to
describe it.
I was very sensitive as a kid,I guess.
And I can still be sensitive asan adult sometimes, trying not
to be overly sensitive.
But I was very sensitive inthat moment, and I was at my
lowest moment.
And I got to tell you guys, itwas not a good feeling.

(39:52):
It was not good.
I just don't know how todescribe it to you.
I wish I could.
You can see me kind ofstruggling and flailing here to
describe it, but I think I'vesaid enough on it.
And in that moment, it was likesomething opened.
Now, long story short, I wasraised in a traditional...

(40:16):
Christian family with themodern interpretations that
Christians have on Scripture,and I'm not putting them down.
I'm not saying they're wrong.
I'm not here to debate theologywith anybody, concepts of
theology, but I was raised inthe pretty cookie-cutter,
standard default, vanilla, youknow, do you accept Jesus Christ

(40:38):
in your heart?
Yes, I do.
Okay, you're saved.
You For me, I always felt likeI had a more personal
relationship with God, or atleast my idea of God.
When I went to church, somepeople would like to clap and
raise their hands and stuff, andI might clap once in a while,

(40:58):
but I didn't like to do theraising of the hands stuff.
I didn't like to do theperformative stuff.
I liked to go in my bedroomwhen it was quiet and just pray
or You know, that first day on anew job when you're nervous and
you're sitting in the parkinglot and you just have those
butterflies in you and almostlike a sadness or a sad calm.

(41:20):
Not a bad sad, but like just asimple sadness, you know?
Like a nervousness about theuncertainty that is going to
come with your new job that dayand you just kind of close your
eyes.
God.
watch, help me, please, youknow, just watch over me today

(41:40):
and help me get through this,guide my steps.
You know, that was kind ofalways my relationship.
It was more, from myperspective, it was the only way
I could be authentic.
I could go through the motionsand do what other people do in
Sunday school and stuff, but Youknow, it was just me and God.

(42:01):
It was a personal thing.
And I didn't really buy into alot of the ideas that I had been
brought up in.
Like, ever since I canremember, I never believed
Genesis was like a literal dayone, day two, day three, and the
fruit.
I always looked at Genesis aspoetry from Moses writing about

(42:23):
the beginning of time in apoetic fashion.
So anyways...
I was never quite 100% on boardwith every concept that modern
Christians have.
And again, no slight towardsthem.
I think they're wonderfulpeople.
Just apples and orangessometimes, right?
We all have our own way.
And I found myself in thatposition where even my personal

(42:45):
deep down relationship with God,like something was wrong.
I was like, how could this be,you know?
And it allowed me to open up.
essentially.
I opened, it was like a flowerthat was like yearning for the
sun.
And as soon as the sun hit it,like the petals opened up,
right?
So there I was working my 50 to60 hours a week.

(43:08):
And somehow, some way, I hadstarted listening to other
thinkers, other philosophers,other spiritual people.
Because I was really on asearch.
I was like...
what is the meaning of allthis?
What's the purpose of all this?
Why am I here?
How did I get to this placewhere I'm working so goddamn

(43:29):
much?
You know, I was like, part ofme was getting frustrated even.
So I opened and I startedlistening to other thinkers,
thinkers of the East, thinkersof the West.
You know, I started going tolike home church groups in
Gilbert, Met a lot of goodpeople there.
And just really kind of likelifting the hood on my

(43:52):
philosophy on life and myspirituality.
And what do I believe?
Where am I?
What is all this?
And I found something.
Or better described, I wouldsuppose I should say something
found me.
I know some people might wincewhen they hear that.
Other people might say, yeah,of course.

(44:14):
But I don't know how else totell you.
Something happened, somethingfound me, and everything started
to really, really click.
And I started driving my usual50 to 60 hours, but I was
completely with it.
I was on board with it.

(44:35):
And long story short, threeyears later, I am in one of the
happiest places of my life.
internally.
You know, in Christianity, theymight describe it as the peace
that surpasses allunderstanding.
And that word understanding inGreek is also understood as

(44:57):
comprehension or mind.
So a peace that surpasses allmind, all comprehension, all
logic.
I would say I'm experiencingthat right now.
You can call it the peace ofChrist, the peace of Buddha, the
peace of doubt, whatever wordyou want to insert into this
calm and good feeling I haveinside right now, I found it, or

(45:21):
it found me.
And tying this together, that'swhy I felt compelled to want to
do this podcast.
And it didn't come about sosimple, actually.
It was basically about a yearin to me really...
ceasing my going against thegrain and going with what is,
that I said to myself, or God, Isaid, well, I've got a lot of

(45:46):
space inside me now.
I'm feeling much better.
I'm in a much happier placethan I was before, that's for
sure, much happier than probablyI've ever been.
And And yet, I'm still working50 to 60 hours a week.
So, okay, God, okay, universe,what do you want me to do?
I have space in me.

(46:07):
I have energy in me.
I have enthusiasm.
Where do you want me to takethis?
I don't know what to do.
I'm not going back to sales,and I can't stay in gig work for
the rest of my life, so what doyou want me to do?
And I didn't ask it in a, whatdo you want from me?
What do you want me to do typeask.

(46:28):
I was like, okay, what next?
What do you want from me?
What would you like me to do?
Please guide my steps.
And to be honest, I was alittle emotional at the time.
I was kind of like happy butalso sad, like, okay, what's the
next thing?
And inside of me is also thatdesire to find something that I

(46:49):
can do that will support myfamily and allow me to do what I
love.
So I am on this delivery whileI'm asking these questions,
delivering some alcohol on aDoorDash order.
And I drop the alcohol off.
I get the signature from thelady because you've got to show
your ID.
And I'm leaving.
And, you know, a couple minutesdriving away from the lady's

(47:10):
house.
And with DoorDash, you can textyour driver after you've
dropped something off.
So she texts me.
And she says, hey, this mightbe out of place, but have you
ever thought about doing apodcast?
You have a very beautifulvoice, something to that effect.
And she's like, I just wantedto put that out there for you.

(47:31):
And I'm like, okay.
Now, I was literally crying outto, you can call him, her, it,
God, infinite intelligence,whatever word you have for what
this all is.
I was crying out to that on theway to her house.
On the way out, I got a messagesaying, Have you ever thought

(47:55):
about doing the pocket?
Now, I've heard that many timesbefore, like I told you guys,
the passengers, people in mysales, you know, and it's danced
on my mind and I have dabbledin it.
But I had never had somebodykind of directly tell me.
to do it as a suggestionimmediately after I was like

(48:16):
literally crying, you know,about what to do with my life.
And it would be at least ayear, year and a half after that
before I finally sat down andrecorded this episode.
And I had recorded severalepisodes before this, but I was
never happy with them.
Because this space that I'venow found in myself that I want

(48:37):
to share with other people isnot like a teacher-student
relationship type I am not ateacher, a master, a guru, or
anything.
I am literally, just like you,struggling day to day to get
through life.
And I don't know if struggle isthe right word, but striving

(48:58):
against or for, controlling,dictating my life.
I'm right there with all ofyou.
And I just wanted to share...
or start a podcast to sharethings that have really inspired
me over the last three yearsthat I want to share because I

(49:19):
have been on fire.
for the last three years.
Like when I tell you I was atmy lowest place and it opened me
up and I started listening tophilosophers and other thinkers,
I don't mean that in a casualway.
I mean I was literally dousedin gasoline and somebody threw a
match on me and I'm screamingin flames right now, always like

(49:41):
on fire for this shit.
Excuse my language.
But I literally was eat, sleep,and drink, the study of the
mind, of philosophy, of variousreligions, spiritual practices,
and I'm studying all of them,not with the intent of proving
one correct or the other wrong.

(50:03):
I am more interested in whatcommon themes they all share.
And I will tell you this withabsolute sincerity, that I have
learned that all all of thespiritual paths do say the same
thing in various ways.
And that is going to be one ofthe major themes of this show is

(50:25):
what is the juice and thenectar that they're all bringing
to the table that has beenperhaps misrepresented,
misunderstood, misarticulated,maybe weaponized.
There is a lot of stuff thathas gone with these teachings,
because the people that bringthese teachings to us, they do

(50:50):
it in a fresh and spontaneousway.
You know, to use the words ofJesus, let not your left hand
know what your right hand doeth.
You know, he just acted out ofhis center, his if you will, his
empty space inside, hisemptiness, as the Buddhists like
to say, which Westerners winceat when they hear emptiness.

(51:11):
But if you're a Westernerlistening to this and you hear
emptiness and you wince, don'tworry.
It's not like you think.
It's the most beautiful thingever, and it's the same thing
that Jesus taught and that allthese thinkers taught.
But what happens after theseteachers...
teach is that people fall madlyin love with them, and they

(51:35):
start to build up beautifulsurrounding garments and
ramparts and, oh, what's theword?
I mean, you've seen thechurches and cathedrals that
have been built.
built through the millennia.
I mean, it's a serious thingbecause they're talking about

(51:56):
your source, where you comefrom, what you are, because you
are not a little separate thingfrom this whole universe.
You are actually a distinctpart of it.
You're not a separate part ofit.
You're a distinct part of it.
Just as, say, an ocean haswaves, right?

(52:18):
the wave in the ocean is notseparate from the ocean.
When you look at a wave, youdon't go, oh, that's a wave, and
then there's the ocean kind ofunderneath the wave.
Or if you look at, like whenyou flush your toilet and you
see a little whirlpool form, youdon't say to yourself, well,
there's a whirlpool in thetoilet water, and then there's

(52:40):
the water.
They're two separate things.
I can take the whirlpool out ofthe water and put it over here,
and I can you know, just letthe water sit.
We can separate the two.
You are exactly like that.
You cannot be separated fromthis whole thing that we call
life or the universe.
And when you really understandthat and you go deep down into

(53:04):
it, it changes you in a Theremay be people listening to this
who hear what I'm saying, and itrings a bell of truth inside of
you automatically.
You just know it's true, and itfeels good to hear someone say

(53:26):
it.
And you say, yeah, that's it,man.
Yeah.
It's one thing to get it likethat on a conceptual level.
But it's another thing when youstart living it on a
moment-to-moment-to-momentbasis.
And that is what trust is allabout.
Because if I tell you, whileyou're listening to this

(53:48):
podcast, I want you to listen tothe words that are coming out
of my mouth.
beavis and butthead momentright there.
No, I'm just joking.
But I want you to listen to thewords that are coming out of my
mouth, but not try to makesense of them.
Let your brain do that.
It happens automatically.
You don't have to try to makeit happen.
If you're in your car, I wantyou to feel the seat underneath

(54:14):
you.
I want you to feel the Whatdoes the steering wheel feel
like?
And don't describe it in wordsbecause words are slow and
clunky.
It's like looking at binarycode instead of looking at what
the code actually is asrepresented on your computer
screen after it's been processedby your CPU.

(54:36):
I want you to just feeldirectly, direct experience with
what is.
Maybe you are outside runningor walking outside and you're
feeling the morning air on yourface, you hear the birds
singing, whatever that is, bewith that completely.

(54:56):
The first thing that you'regoing to notice as you start to
practice this is that your mindis gonna start tugging you back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, okay, yourseat, that's great and all, your
steering wheel, that feels goodand all, but we better start
thinking here.
We better start thinking aboutthat bill.

(55:17):
We better start thinking aboutwhat we're gonna say to the
boss, why the project's not doneyet, this, that, and the other.
The brain is gonna fight you.
to come back up.
Now, this is not to say thatthinking is a bad thing that you
should not do and you shouldavoid at all costs.
I'm not saying that at all.
In fact, when thoughts do come,it's important that you be with

(55:40):
those as well, because thoseyou could call your sixth sense.
You've got your five regularsenses, which is sight, what you
can see, sounds, what you canhear, taste, obviously what you
put in your mouth, your tongue,your taste buds, smell, and of
course touch, tactile sensation.

(56:02):
And of course the sixth one wecould say are mental projections
or images or mind activity.
Those are the only six thingsthat are ever at any time
happening in your life, at anytime.
It's like Guitar Hero, ifyou've ever played that game,
they got the six notes on thebottom, I think it's six notes,
And they just play littlemelodies.

(56:23):
Well, that's exactly what yourlife is.
And it's not to reduce it, butit's to look at it.
The way you as a human interactwith life is through the six
sense spheres.
The five in the material worldand the six you could say is in
the mind.
But they are six things comingat you.
So when I say feel the seatbeneath you wherever you're

(56:43):
sitting or your feet if you'rewalking or the steering wheel if
you're in your car, or thesounds coming to your ears right
now from me, to be with thosecompletely.
And if on occasion a thoughtcomes, which it definitely will,
not just on occasion, butconstantly, relentlessly, to be

(57:04):
with the thought as well.
See, thoughts are not a badthing, but thoughts that you are
not aware of, ooh, now there'swhere we get into trouble.
Your thoughts are not you.
Your thoughts think themselves.
They happen of their ownaccord.
Unless you are completely withthem, you are lost.
And to be in the moment withwhat is takes a trust.

(57:29):
In fact, it is the ultimateform of trust to be with what
is.
Because try it.
You'll see very quickly thebrain, even before you start
thinking, you'll start to noticethe pull.
Oh, I'm about to think.
Ooh.
And then there's a thought andit'll take you away.
And without even realizing it,you've gotten on a bus and you

(57:52):
don't know where it's takingyou.
It could be, how many timeshave you had a thought of
somebody confronting you justrandomly?
Like you're about to go intoStarbucks and then your brain
says, oh, what if this guy cutsme in line?
Or, you know, this person doesthis to me.
I'm going to say this back tohim and then he might do this.
And then I'll say, oh, I'mgoing to have my response plan

(58:14):
for him.
I'm going to say this.
And before you know it, you'reoff to the races, right?
with this whole conflict thatyou're playing out in your mind?
Or worse, what if a thoughtpops into your head that says,
I'm a loser.
I'm a nobody.
Nobody cares about me.
Do I even really care aboutanyone else?
You see, these thoughts happenof themselves.

(58:36):
They think themselves.
And then you identify with thethought and you say, yeah, that
thought, that's me.
I'm not asking you to changeyour thoughts.
I'm not asking you to stop yourthoughts.
I'm simply asking you to noticethem.
And the more you practice, themore you'll notice them.

(58:58):
The more you notice things, themore that your life starts to
change.
And you'll notice in all thespiritual traditions, the
emphasis is on letting go.
It's on relaxing.
It's on ceasing You're strivingto be completely with what is.

(59:25):
Buddhism, for example, theBuddha.
Buddha means one who is awake.
There's a root word in Sanskritor Pali, abhuti or bodhi, which
means awake.
So Buddhism is an ism aboutawakefulness.
And you'll notice...

(59:46):
Oh, that's what Jesus taughttoo.
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesussaid, this I say to you, I say
to all, stay awake.
And you'll notice many of hisparables were about wakefulness.
You know, the women with thelamp oil.
All kinds of things like that.

(01:00:09):
We're going to get into thedetails about that.
I don't want to get too intothe weeds just yet.
But I will say this as we cometo the close here.
If you are a nihilist and youbelieve the universe is random
and it's all for nothing andyou're here for a little spark
or a flash and then you're goneforever, locked up in a black

(01:00:30):
box for all eternity, thispodcast is for you.
If you are a Christianfundamentalist and you believe
that there is a God in heaven ona chair made of gold with a
beard, and he's definitely aman, and he created everything.
And if you don't believe that,then you're going to burn in

(01:00:53):
hell forever, or you'll justannihilate and disappear
forever.
This podcast is for you.
If you are someone who doesn'tlike spiritual language, but
it's okay to hear...
some scientific neutrallanguage, and you're more of an

(01:01:15):
agnostic, and you're just notsure.
I don't want to put my chipsanywhere.
This podcast is for you.
The title of the podcast isStanding Nowhere, and that is a
metaphor for standing on aconcept.
If you are standing on anyconcept, you are lost, because
all concepts ultimately fallutterly short of describing

(01:01:38):
reality.
Reality is...
And you can't give that a name.
Reality is, and you can't namethat.
You can say clap, clap, clap,but that's not.

(01:01:59):
Do you see how completelydifferent they are?
So any concept you have in yourskull about what's going on,
ultimately is false and willfail you and will not keep you
warm at night.
So the ultimate form of trust,which is another word of faith

(01:02:21):
for faith, is to trust exactlywhat you see, hear, smell,
taste, touch, or think rightnow.
That is the only truth thereis, and that is the only thing
you can trust.
But I'm here to say that youcan trust that.
So if me telling you that,somehow you're still holding on

(01:02:44):
in the back of your mind that,can I trust it though?
Do I really know what's goingto happen to me after it?
Yes, you can trust it.
After all, you are it.
You came out of it and you havefun coming out of it and going
back to it, coming out of it andgoing back to it, up and down.

(01:03:05):
Everything is undulating inthis universe.
Out of the silence comes sound,comes light, comes life.
Sorry about my phone there.
Ruined the moment for us.
Anyways, I hope you guysenjoyed this first episode and

(01:03:27):
rest assured this is going to bethe most different episode
probably of the entire bunch.
It was just a little bit of abackground on me a little bit in
my head space, where I started,where I'm at now, and just a
little taste before we close.
I will be deep diving into allkinds of things that I think you

(01:03:48):
will find interesting, or maybenot.
Some people are not ready tohear these things yet.
You know, the translation ofthe word repent in old Hebrew is
to turn back.
And I think that relates towhen we're born, we go out into
the world.
We get obsessed with thematerial things, all the shiny
dancing things in the world.
And it's not like they're badthings or that we have to shun

(01:04:11):
them.
But at a certain point, youfind that they do not fulfill
you at all in any way, onlytemporarily.
And then you're on to the nextthing.
How many times do you see junkpiles outside of people's houses
on trash collect, you know,junk days, big bulk days for
trash and people inneighborhoods?
Just hordes of junk.
In the West, we're justconverting as much material into

(01:04:34):
junk as fast as possible, andnone of it fulfills.
It's like the end of that movieWALL-E.
The whole planet's full ofjunk, right?
Now, I'm not putting downmaterial things, but I am
telling you, if you have notfigured it out yet...
they will absolutely neverbring you lasting joy and
happiness.
And you'll find out there's adifference between joy and

(01:04:57):
pleasure, between happiness andpleasure.
It doesn't mean that you haveto be an ascetic monk and
renounce everything, but youmight want to loosen your grip
on it a little bit and standnowhere.
Be with what is.
For those who have ears tohear, hear.

(01:05:18):
Basically, if you're ready tohear this message, this podcast
will find you when it's supposedto.
And it's a work in progress.
I'm learning about these thingsmyself, but I am...
without question, on fire forit.
I think part of the reason I'vedelayed this podcast is to see
if my interest would wane.
How many times have I gotteninterested in something in my
life only to abandon it out oflack of interest?

(01:05:40):
But here I am, three yearslater, still digesting and
reading as much material on thisstuff as I can.
It very much interests me.
And in a way that I want torelay it to other people because
there are practices you can do.
You can call them spiritual oryou can just call them
practices.
The word spirit simply meansbreath.

(01:06:02):
So Take from that what youwill, but we're going to be
talking about all kinds ofthings.
I'll be interviewing peopleeventually, ideally, great
thinkers like this, becausethere is infinite space inside
of you, infinite peace, infinitejoy, infinite bliss, and all
you have to do is look within,to turn back and look within,
which is the actual originaldefinition of the word repent.

(01:06:25):
Another word that's beenco-opted by modern
interpretation to mean feelguilty about.
Oh, you should repent.
You should repent.
You're a bad boy.
You've got to repent.
No.
It means to come back home, tolook inside of you.
You've looked everywhereoutside.
Now let's look inside.
And you might just find thatyou are really part of the whole

(01:06:48):
thing and that what you thoughtwas a bad event in your life
might actually be a blessing.
I'll end on a parable, and thenwe can go our separate ways.
And I'm going to be recording acouple more episodes, but this
will be my...
First episode on my birthdayhere, turning 42.
I'm in my seventh cycle of myseven-year cycles here.

(01:07:09):
So here's the parable, a farmerand the neighbor.
So the farmer wakes up and goesoutside to find his horse.
One of his best horses has runaway.
The neighbor looking over says,I'm sorry, brother, that's
really too bad.
And the farmer says, maybe.
The next day he awakens to findthat the horse has returned and

(01:07:32):
it has another horse with it.
The neighbor seeing this said,brother, that's wonderful,
congrats.
And the farmer says, maybe.
Later that day, the farmer'sson is trying to tame the new
wild horse that the other horsebrought home.
The horse bucks him off and hebreaks his leg.

(01:07:53):
The neighbor says, that'sterrible.
And the farmer says, maybe.
The following morning, the armyis going through his territory,
conscripting young soldiers,but they can't recruit his son
because his leg is broken.
The neighbor says, that'swonderful.

(01:08:14):
The farmer says, maybe.
So with that, I'll leave youguys.
Don't judge a book by itscover.
Your life might seem like amess right now, but maybe it's a
perfect mess, just like it wasfor me, the perfect mess to
bring you inside to find somedeep, lasting peace that you

(01:08:37):
didn't know was there.
Anyways.
This has been the StandingNowhere Podcast Episode 1.
I am your host, Jacob, and I'msigning out.
Please like and subscribe anddo all the things that you're
supposed to do that I don't knowwhat I'm supposed to say to get
you to come back.
I have a Patreon as well.
Under Patreon, StandingNowhere, I'll try to put links
in the description, and I'll tryto have better sound quality on

(01:08:59):
my end, less bumps on thetable, less four-year-old
interruptions and things likethat.
But hopefully this firstepisode was not a total loss.
I had to do it.
I kept this episodeprocrastinating long enough and
I finally did it.
And you know what?
This episode is not perfect.
There's probably some longparts.
There's probably a lot ofpeople who tuned out halfway,
but I did it.
Gosh darn it.
And I'm going to try to getbetter at it for you guys and

(01:09:22):
for myself and see if I can makethis into a full-time gig for
me or at least a passion of loveon the side.
And either way, I am okay and Iwill be okay.
Even if I have to work 55, 60hours a week for the rest of my
life, that's okay.
I'm happy, very happy, and Ilove you guys, and blessings.

Music (01:09:43):
This voice might fade like dust on the dial But I'm
standing nowhere and I've beenfor a while No hero No
headlines, no promises made Justa whisper that won't be afraid

(01:10:15):
Standing nowhere and it feelslike home No flags to wave, no
need to roam The silence speakslouder than war ever could, and

(01:10:39):
I've never felt so understood.
The static is kind, it leavesme alone.
No orders to follow, no key.

(01:11:00):
The sky's turning amber Theclock's all reset And I haven't
stopped walking just yetStanding nowhere Air wide and

(01:11:25):
free No chains, no names Theroad dissolves The sky turns
white I'm still here, nothing tohide Thank you.