October 30, 2025 • 47 mins
In your twenties, it’s easy to feel like you’ll always belong somewhere — a friend group, a workplace, a Saturday night ritual that feels like home. But what happens when those circles fade, and you suddenly find yourself everywhere in the city… yet belonging nowhere?
In this deeply personal episode, Jacob shares the story of poker nights and found-family friendships, the sudden loss of someone who helped anchor his world, and the quiet isolation of gig work that left him feeling like a ghost — unseen in restaurants full of laughter and connection.
And yet… that ghostly invisibility became the doorway to something unexpected: aloneness — not loneliness — but a deeper, more courageous way of being with yourself.
Through grief, silence, and a chance encounter with the teachings of Alan Watts and Ram Dass, Jacob uncovers what it means to lose borrowed belonging… and slowly rebuild connection from the inside out.
This isn’t a story about giving up — it’s a story about remembering who you are when no one is looking.
Topics:
- When community feels like home… until it doesn’t
- The slow erosion of belonging — and why it hurts so much
- How crisis can become a turning point toward a truer life
- The difference between loneliness and aloneness
- Practical ways to reconnect with yourself and others
If you’ve ever felt invisible in a room full of people — this one’s for you.
🔗 All links: https://linktr.ee/standingnowhere
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jacob (00:01):
It was weird.
It was like this irony.
I was busier than I'd ever beendriving gig work, driving
people around constantly.
But I was never more alone inmy life.
Hello, everyone, and welcomeback to another episode of the
(00:36):
Standing Nowhere podcast.
I am your host, Jacob Bueller.
As usual, it is a pleasure tobe back with you.
This episode is going to talkabout how important
relationships and friendship isin life, and how important
(01:00):
solitude and aloneness is aswell.
So this will be sort of ajourney of belonging to the
feeling of isolation andtransforming isolation into
aloneness where it creates aspace within us to find that
(01:24):
authentic connections, thoseauthentic connections with
others, which I'm still figuringout that part.
But in order to do this, I wantto go back in time.
All the way back, this is about18 years ago, a little over 18
(01:45):
years ago.
I was about 24, and I was abrand new single dad.
So we go back in time, 18years.
I was a new single dad aftergetting divorced.
So I found myself as a singledad around 24 years old.
(02:08):
My son was a couple months old,and I had been looking for a
decent job for a while, and Ifound uh a pretty good job at a
casino in Las Vegas.
I would be working in the callcenter, taking phone calls for
(02:29):
people who wanted to book theirvacation.
So I booked the rooms, thelimousines, I booked the show
tickets, the restaurantreservations, basically in
reservations department.
And I remember the first daythat we were in orientation,
there was a whole group of us,and there was one guy there.
(02:52):
His name was Rick.
And I want you to picture a guyslightly hefty.
Uh he shaved, preferred to havea shaved head, and he wore a
bow tie that day, which Ithought was awesome.
He dressed professionally, buthe had, you know, suspenders and
(03:14):
a bow tie.
And I, if I recall, I believehe had one of those little
Scottish golfer hats.
It didn't have the puff ball onthe top of it, but it was
professional, but it was justmore friendly and outgoing than
most of us had decided to wearthat day.
And he himself was such afriendly and outgoing person.
(03:36):
You know, he was going aroundthe room, shaking hands with
everyone, full of smiles, madeeveryone smile and laugh.
And we became friends prettyquickly, Rick and I.
And it wasn't too long after wehad started there and gone
through training that he invitedme to uh poker night at his
(03:59):
house.
Poker night was on Saturdaynight, every night at Rick's.
I think we started around 7:30.
And immediately I felt includedin this wonderful group of
people.
Um the first person that I metthere was Pat, short for
(04:20):
Patrick.
I want you to picture a reallybig guy, uh, really big guy,
with a bellowing laugh that justmade you feel good.
And he had a warm smile.
And um, you know, everyonethere just loved to have fun.
There was uh a lot of otherpeople that attended Poker
(04:41):
Knight too.
I won't go too much into thedetails or the weeds here on
each one of them, but the pokernight group was just this family
that welcomed me in.
And thinking back on it, I justcan't help but smile.
What a wonderful time in mylife.
Here I was, a new single dadwith a new job, but immediately
(05:02):
this guy Rick befriends me,brings me into his group, and
right away we all clicked reallywell.
I remember Pat on the firstnight, he was saying things
like, I really like this guy,Jake, Rick.
He found a good one here, youknow, patting me on the back and
stuff, making me feel welcome.
And his house, Rick's house iswhere we we had poker night at.
(05:27):
And uh his sister was livingthere at the time.
Tiffany, she's a great, greatgirl.
Uh she ended up marrying Pat uhlater on.
And those Saturday nights, Ijust it was great.
You know, I was part of afamily.
I was dating at the time too,so I would occasionally bring my
dates to meet the poker crew,quote unquote, you know,
(05:50):
periodically, see if they gaveme their approval or not.
There were some dates thatcouldn't stand it, said they
never wanted to go back becausepeople we we like to play poker
outside, and it would get alittle cold sometimes.
People there like to smokecigarettes too, and you know,
Pat he would tell me which oneshe liked, which ones he didn't
(06:10):
like.
When he met my wife eventually,he I remember when she was like
doing something else anddistracted, he leaned over to me
and whispered, You better notmess this one up.
I remember he said, he said, ifyou break it off with her,
you're done out of poker groupand she's gonna stay.
He just had he just knew thatmy uh my wife was the one when
(06:35):
he met her.
And, you know, that was myanchor Saturday nights with the
guys, you know.
And I had uh I had a lot ofother groups that I belonged to
as well, like my work family atBally's.
They did a great job making mefeel welcome there.
We had a lot of chess games.
We would hide the chess gameand the chessboard in the
(06:58):
drawers in the call center, butit was like I had my work
family, um, I had my poker nightgroup and my regular friends
and family as well.
So even though I was a singledad, I didn't feel alone in
raising my son.
I was able to bring him outaround a diverse community of
(07:18):
people that really helped me outin um in his upbringing.
I was I was so grateful forthat.
But looking back, you know, I'm42 now, and I was around 24 at
the time.
So we're talking, this isalmost half my life ago, and I
realized that relationships aresuch an important pillar of
(07:41):
health, your social life, forthat warmth, you know, that
safety, that belonging.
I have a great nostalgia forit.
I try not to get lost in thepast and be present with what
is, but right now it's a momentof reflection and contemplation
(08:01):
on those good times.
And I I want you guys to kindof take that away from this
episode as we progress andreflect on your own
relationships that you've hadthroughout your life and that
you still have.
Because here's the thing aboutbelonging is you don't realize
how much you need it until it'sgone.
(08:23):
You know, and for me, it didn'tdisappear all at once.
It was like a slow fade.
It's like watching a sunsetkind of in reverse.
Eventually for the poker nightcrew, our schedules they just
(08:53):
didn't quite work out like theyused to.
And a lot of us weren't able toget together on Saturdays like
we wanted to.
So poker nights started to fadea little bit.
Our schedules, they stoppedlining up, you know, life was
pulling people in uh differentdirections.
That thing that had reallysaved me during those tough
(09:17):
times was starting to slip away.
It wasn't the end of the world,you know.
I still had my friends, uh mywork family, and my regular
family.
You know, I'll just brieflymention I I had um I had lost a
friend from poker nightsuddenly, and it reminded me
(09:40):
that nothing really lasts.
You know, that there's athere's a guy, a good really
good guy that used to attend ourpoker nights.
His name was Chris, really coolguy, liked to wear leather
jackets, rode a motorcycle.
Um, and one day somebody pulledout in front of him and he was
gone.
And all of us at poker nightwere really saddened by that.
(10:02):
But even poker night itself, Iwould learn, you know, wouldn't
last.
My job at uh the casino I wasin with Rick, that didn't end,
or that didn't last.
It ended, and then I switchedto another casino doing the same
line of work, and that job alsouh was pulled out from under me
(10:24):
after three years of working atthat job, and it was a very sad
day.
I mean, you go to work, youhave your work family that you
see and love every day for threeyears.
I mean, if you like the peopleyou work with at your job at
least, and I did very much so.
And at the snap of a finger, Iwas gone.
(10:46):
So I lost my work family.
And at that point, poker nightswere a lot more few and far
between.
You know, they would rarely popup, and God forbid our
schedules lined up.
It was so great to actually goto another poker night again,
but having the inconsistency ofpoker nights and then losing my
(11:07):
job.
So after that, uh that's when Iswitched to uh driving gig
work.
And I I'm telling you all ofthis because as I mentioned at
the start of this episode, theselast two episodes of my first
20 are marking a shift away frommy solo episodes.
(11:29):
So I kind of wanted to fill insome more details about uh my
life leading up to kind of whereI started in the first episode
of this podcast.
So I started driving gig workafter I lost that job with that
casino.
And suddenly I started to feellike I was stuck in a dark hole.
(11:49):
I missed having my work family,I missed poker nights, I missed
a lot of those hangouts.
I still had my my regularfriends, and I didn't at this
point have to work too manyhours.
I think 30 to 35 hours a weekof Uber and Lyft was all that
was required to pay my bills.
You know, my car was paid off,my rent was only about 1,200
(12:12):
bucks a month.
But about a year into mydriving at Rideshare or doing
gig work, I got a text messagefrom Rick.
And Rick, he was just on thehead about it.
(12:33):
He didn't try to sugarcoatanything.
He sent me a text message withtwo words that said Pat died.
Pat died?
I saw the text and I rememberlocking my phone and putting I
(12:59):
was laying down on my bedtalking to my wife at the time,
and Rick sent me this text.
Pat died.
So I look at the text, and thenI put the phone down on the
bed, and it was like it was likeI read the text, but I didn't
register what he said.
Pat died.
And then it hit me like someoneshot me in the chest or
(13:22):
something with a shotgun.
And I texted him back.
I said, Are you serious?
What do you mean Pat died?
And he said, He died.
He stopped breathing when hewas sleeping last night.
So I'd lost one of my bestfriends, somebody who was always
(13:48):
there for me.
I got so many good memorieswith him, and it was like I had
never really lost a really closefriend before.
Chris, who had passed away, Imentioned earlier at poker
night.
We were good poker nightbuddies.
We didn't really get thatclose, but Pat, he was he was
(14:09):
like he was just somebody whowas really, really there for me.
Um at a time in my life where Ireally needed it, you know.
I have so many memories of him,of just good memories of him,
you know, making me laugh.
His laugh, I could still hearit in my head.
(14:31):
It was such a wonderful laugh.
I remember one time when I haddrank too much and I was keeled
over the toilet at poker night,and he was just he'd come in and
check on me every coupleminutes and just pat me on the
back, you know, you'll be allright, buddy, you know.
Um, just hearing stories aboutmy life and giving me support,
(14:53):
you know, just that really goodfriend that you always need.
And the first time I eversmoked pot actually was his, and
I had no idea what I was infor, and I got really sick on
the driveway.
It was hilarious.
So many good memories.
And then this text message justPat died.
Oh, and this is where I want totalk about aloneness and
(15:19):
loneliness and the differencebetween the two.
You know, going from a callcenter environment to driving
people around, there's a lot oftime in between passenger
pickups while you're doing Uberfull time, where you are alone
with your thoughts.
And I started to feel reallylonely.
(15:40):
It started to feel really dark.
But there's a differencebetween loneliness and aloneness
or solitude.
Solitude is a good thing, it'swhere you can contemplate
things.
And at this point, it itstarted to really hit me how
much I valued my friends and howmuch I needed them.
I'd have mornings where I'd crythinking about Pat.
(16:03):
This is like February of 2019.
You know, later that year, theCOVID lockdown kicked in.
I I think it was actuallyalmost a year later, but now to
make matters worse, after hepassed away, I was getting
married later that year.
(16:25):
Sad to know that he wouldn'tmake it to the wedding, of
course.
But I got married in May of2019, a couple months after his
death.
Lyft and Uber would start tocut pay, and at the same time,
cost of living would start toincrease, starting with my car
bill, which would then increasein rent, you know, all of that,
yada yada yada.
But after we got married, itwas like a month or two after,
(16:53):
another one of my really goodfriends, who I'll keep anonymous
because we don't speak anymore,but he ghosted me completely
with no explanation.
I have ideas as to why, but itwas like imagine having a friend
who you hung out with all thetime for ten years, suddenly
(17:18):
does not speak to you anymore,doesn't reply to calls, doesn't
reply to texts, nothing.
Just gone.
So this was a tough year for mein 2019.
One of my best friends passesaway, I get married, and one of
my best men at the wedding, thisguy cuts me off completely.
(17:43):
And I'm racking my brain, like,what did I do?
What did I do to upset thisguy?
For him to just never nevertalk to me and not tell me why.
I must have really donesomething.
You know, I I it deeplyaffected me at the time.
It was very heart-wrenching tojust lose one friend who dies,
(18:04):
and then another really goodfriend, one of my best friends
I've ever had in my life, justcuts me off.
It was a tough year.
And I remember waves of sadnesswould come upon me while I was
driving.
It was like my body was tellingme something, you know.
I remember one time I had justdropped this woman off and I was
(18:26):
on the freeway, and I juststarted to cry in the car, like
a deep cry from the pit of mysoul.
Just the feeling of lonelinessin my car.
I would work 4 a.m.
to 2 p.m.
I just felt like I wasn't goinganywhere in life, that I was
suddenly cut off from everyone.
Working all the time, being alot more broke than I usually
(19:00):
was, stressed out about rent.
You know, a lot of thesefinancial problems started
creeping in my life.
So it was like this doublewhammy of losing friends plus
financial woe.
And I can't really name thespecific thing that broke me
that morning when I startedcrying, but I think it was just
the silence.
The silence was starting to letme contemplate things.
(19:24):
It allowed me to feel what Iwas feeling instead of running
from it.
I couldn't go anywhere from it.
Just something about those colddark mornings in the car by
myself.
It was weird, it was like thisirony.
I was busier than I'd ever beendriving gig work, driving
(19:48):
people around constantly, but Iwas never more alone in my life.
And then it got even worse whenI switched to delivery work
because then I didn't havepeople in my car to talk to me.
You know, sure I would I wouldI meet people in restaurants
when I pick up deliveries, butit's really quick, and they're
(20:10):
busy, and I'm busy.
It was after I moved here toGilbert from Las Vegas, you
know, picking up food inrestaurants, I'm watching these
people laugh and connect witheach other over meals.
And I'm this guy who's alwaysliving in his car now.
(20:32):
Doesn't have nearly as manyfriends around him as he used
to, or people interested in himat all.
I'm wearing my athletic attire,because that's what you wear
when you do deliveries, becauseyou sweat a lot, you know, and
I'm just this odd fly on thewall in these restaurants, this
ghost.
That's what I felt like.
(20:52):
That's what I still feel likesometimes.
And then I I come home to mykids and they're living their
lives.
You know, they're busy withtheir own things, and they love
me and they miss me because Iwork a lot.
But like all kids, you know,they've got their lives.
So I would come home and eventhen I would still feel like a
(21:16):
ghost.
Like a ghost in my own home.
And my son, I love him so much.
You know, when he turned 18, hedecided he wanted to move out
into Las Vegas, reconnect withmy ex-wife, you know, live there
for a while.
It's been almost a year now,but that really hit me too.
(21:39):
Not being able to be there forhim, on top of feeling alienated
and like a ghost.
Now my son says he wants tomove away, and I felt like I
failed him so much.
And, you know, things likescreen time or cannabis were
filling the gaps sort of duringthe downtime, numbing, numbing
me out rather than me connectingwith what I was feeling inside.
(22:04):
I felt irrelevant.
I was at a p a place in my life39, 40 years old, where nobody
was interested in me anymore.
Because I didn't have time forthem.
And worse, I didn't have timefor myself.
It's like this slow,suffocating feeling of being
(22:30):
everywhere in the city, butbelonging nowhere.
And this is what led up to thatmoment, if you recall, if you
guys have heard my firstepisode, I mentioned it uh in
that episode, a dark momentwhere I really couldn't see a
(22:51):
way forward.
What I realized at the time,without realizing it, is that
sometimes you have to loseeverything borrowed before you
can find what is actually yours.
And what I mean by that is Iwas borrowing happiness from
(23:13):
material possessions and thingsthat I had.
But I didn't realize thathappiness was already mine, it
was inside, and I losteverything around me, and I
found a way to be happy again,which is where I'm at now.
(23:34):
And I I'm still in the thick ofit.
You know, I had moved toPhoenix when I had mentioned
that in the episode.
I was still doing deliverieswith minimal contact, no social
life, barely saw my family, allthe financial stress, and of
course it was October again.
It seems like October is whereall these things start to
happen, and I'd worked myselfinto a dark hole.
(23:56):
And that was when the thoughtarose that maybe it would be
easier if a car would take meout.
And when I had that thought,because I had never thought that
way before.
It wasn't like I was suicidal,as I mentioned before.
(24:17):
You know, it was it was just athought that maybe this would be
easier if I wasn't hereanymore.
And I'd never thought that waybefore.
So I texted it to one of mygood friends, and he's he's
(24:41):
like, I've been there, man.
You know, I've been there, andhe really connected with me on
it and empathized, and he wasthere for me when I really
needed it.
He's always been there for me.
And I just couldn't believethat my headspace had gotten
there.
When you get to the point whereyou feel like not being here is
(25:12):
easier, that's that's one ofthe darkest places a person can
get.
But that text that I sent him,that admission of how I was
feeling, it opened something upinside of me.
I had reached a wall,basically, where I was like,
okay, I don't know what I'mdoing anymore.
(25:34):
I don't know how I got here, Idon't know how to get out of
this, I don't know.
And I I started to open up andlisten and be more mindful from
the suffering and the mourningthat I was experiencing, but I
didn't have any direction.
(25:54):
I didn't know what to do.
And I mentioned in episode onehow something found me, and I
guess this is where I'll diveinto more detail on that.
I found a philosopher andspiritual person who goes by the
name of Alan Watts.
(26:15):
And some of you may know thatname, some of you may have heard
him, some of you may reallylove him or think indifferently
of him.
Whatever the case is, when Iheard Alan Watts for the first
time, and I was in thatreceptive state from the
(26:37):
suffering that I was goingthrough, it was just the perfect
combination.
I had reached a point where Irealized I don't know how to get
out of this, I don't know whatto do, I need help.
And just like the most perfectsynchronicity you could ask for,
I somehow stumbled onto thisphilosopher, Alan Watts, and he
(27:02):
spoke to the depths of my soul.
I cannot emphasize how muchthis man has changed my life.
If there is one person who Ican say is the most
life-changing person I've everexperienced, it would be Alan
Watts.
Everything he said just madecomplete sense to me.
(27:25):
It was like a key that fitperfectly into a lock and just
opened something up in me thathad been bound shut so tightly
by the way I was raised andpreconditioned.
And the best thing is, AlanWatts did not convince me of
(27:46):
everything of anything or try tosell me on a different way of
thinking.
He just shared the way heexperiences life and the way he
looks at life, and he didn'tinvalidate any of my prior quote
unquote beliefs or faiths oranything like that.
He just showed it to me from adifferent angle, making
(28:10):
something three-dimensional forme instead of two-dimensional.
And I listened to him every dayfor several weeks, and he
completely transformed the way Ithought.
You know, I had all this freetime in the car, and suddenly I
was filling it with usefulnessinstead of just playing music or
listening to random podcasts.
(28:31):
But suddenly I was filling itwith this guy, Alan Watts, and
it was like everything wasclicking.
He completely transformed mythought process.
And through proximity of AlanWatts, I found another thinker
named uh Ramdas, which meansservant of God.
(28:52):
His real name is RichardAlpert.
And these two guys, Alan Wattsand Ramdas, completely blew my
mind.
They changed the way that I hadlooked at my life, about
spirituality and religion andhow we deal with things in life.
And it's what led me to wantingto start this podcast and
(29:16):
maintaining my hope and myoptimism in the thick of all
this adversity, all thiscraziness, not only in the
world, but in my own personallife.
But I'm in a much differentheadspace.
I'm in a mindful state now.
And there was this unexpectedgift of being alone with my
(29:42):
thoughts, really alone.
Imagine this complete inversionof the way I was looking at my
life, where I was in this darkhole thinking about not wanting
to exist, and suddenly it itcompletely turns upside down.
And I have all of this time tomyself, this solitude, this
(30:05):
aloneness to really be with mythoughts and all the things that
I'm experiencing.
You know, the etymology of theword alone comes from all one,
pointing to being whole orcomplete in yourself, not
divided.
It really mirrors Jesus in theBible when he says, When thine
(30:29):
eye be whole or single, thywhole body will be full of
light, meaning not fragmented,not drawn in multiple directions
all the time, but withyourself.
And if you are on the spiritualpath and a seeker, then you
know how powerful it is to bewith what is.
(30:49):
All spiritual practices focuson bringing people to their
center, their present moment,being whole and undivided.
So, like I said earlier in thebeginning of the episode,
there's a difference betweenloneliness, which is more like a
painful absence of others, andaloneness, all oneness, being
(31:15):
all one, complete, whole.
That shift in language andperspective changes everything.
And on this notion ofloneliness versus aloneness, I
wanted to read to you a quotefrom Osho.
It's it's a little long, it'snot too long, but I think that
(31:39):
you will get a lot out of it ifyou can really hone in on this,
on what he's saying here,because it's very
transformative.
He says man ordinarily lives inloneliness.
To avoid loneliness, he createsall kinds of relationships,
(32:00):
friendships, organizations,political parties, religions,
and whatnot.
But the basic thing is that heis very much afraid of being
lonely.
Loneliness is a black hole, adarkness, a frightening negative
(32:22):
state, almost like death, as ifyou are being swallowed by
death itself.
To avoid it, you run out andfall into anybody just to hold
somebody's hand, to feel thatyou are not lonely.
Nothing hurts more thanloneliness.
(32:45):
But the trouble is anyrelationship that arises out of
the fear of being lonely is notgoing to be a blissful
experience, because the other isalso joining you out of fear.
You both call it love.
You are both deceiving yourselfand the other.
(33:08):
It is simply fear, and fear cannever be the source of love.
Only those who love areabsolutely fearless.
Only those who love are able tobe alone, joyously, whose need
for the other has disappeared,who are sufficient unto
(33:31):
themselves.
The day you decide that allthese efforts are failures, that
your loneliness has remaineduntouched by all your efforts,
that is a great moment ofunderstanding.
Then only one thing remains tosee whether loneliness is such a
(33:55):
thing that you should be afraidof or if it is just your
nature.
Then rather than running outand away, you close your eyes
and go in.
Suddenly the night is over anda new dawn.
The loneliness transforms intoaloneness.
(34:20):
Aloness is your nature.
You were born alone.
You will die alone, and you areliving alone without
understanding it, without beingfully aware of it.
You misunderstand aloneness asloneliness.
(34:43):
It is simply amisunderstanding.
You are sufficient untoyourself.
Well, I know that was a longerquote, but I wanted to read it
out in full because it is a verypowerful one.
There's a brief thing that Oshosays on this notion as well,
(35:05):
which is that meditation is justa courage to be silent and
alone.
Slowly, slowly, slowly, youstart feeling a new quality to
yourself, a new aliveness, a newbeauty, a new intelligence,
which is not borrowed fromanybody, which is growing within
(35:28):
you.
It has roots in your existence.
Which for me was my dependenceon others and my need to fill
(35:55):
the silence with this or that ascreen, a cannabis, or even
hanging out with someone out offear of being alone.
You know, understanding thisdifference between loneliness
and aloneness, it didn'tmagically fix everything.
(36:17):
I still had to figure out howto come back to people.
And that's where I am now,somewhere between the revelation
and the practice.
Because now that I am secure inmy aloneness, in my solitude, I
long for that connection.
(36:38):
After eight years of thisisolating gig work, I am trying
to find a community again,somewhere where I belong.
One of the major reasons Istarted this podcast is to
bolster that, to give a spacefor other people to share their
stories, but also for me to meetother people as they share
(36:59):
their stories, to connect.
And there's always that fear ofmeeting new people, that
initial discomfort.
And I still feel this.
I have interviews lined up thatI am absolutely terrified
about, you know, that irrationalfear of connecting with people.
But the truth is that thediscomfort you theorize of
(37:24):
socializing initially is totallyeclipsed by the discomfort of
loneliness.
And anyone out there who hasmaybe a lackluster social life
knows this truth.
Yeah, you'll feel uncomfortablewhen you meet someone
initially, but it quickly goesaway, especially as you guys
become good friends and find outyour common interests and you
(37:47):
can be a space and a lovingpresence for somebody else.
It feels great.
When I connect with new peoplenow, there's a gratitude that I
never had before for friends inmy life.
I have this newfoundappreciation for meeting people.
I've met drivers while I'mdoing deliveries and we've
(38:12):
exchanged numbers.
Um, one or two of them, we'vebecome really good friends,
actually.
And when he calls, I lookforward to his call to see how
he's doing strictly out ofgenuine interest in his life and
him as a person and how he'sdoing and how he's dealing with
things.
I've never realized thisbefore, but friends become way
(38:34):
more valuable as you age andhave fewer of them.
You know, in in uh Buddhismthey talk about the otherworldly
pleasures, which are pleasuresfrom basically being there for
someone that brings you joy.
It's unattainable by materialmeans.
You know, you can buy a new carand be like, oh, this is this
(38:55):
is so pleasurable, this isgreat, you know, or eating a
piece of pizza, but thosepleasures don't come close to
the pleasure you get from beingthere for someone else, for
being a friend to someone else.
And the same in reverse ofhaving friends be there for you.
But as I mentioned, I'm stillin the thick of it.
(39:16):
I still feel irrelevantsometimes.
So, what am I learning, youknow, while I'm still in the
thick of it?
Well, it's not about what I'mwhat I've mastered.
It's it's about the things thatI'm still learning.
It's this journey that I'mstill on.
(39:37):
Like Osho, his revelation aboutaloneness versus loneliness.
This is not theoretical.
This is something I'm living,and many of you listening are
living.
It's learning to sit with beingalone, without screens, without
numbing things.
But looking directly in theeyes of things that are there
(40:00):
that you've been running from.
And of course, we have to becareful about the friends we do
choose, because there arefriends in my life who have hurt
me.
And that's part of the risk.
(40:20):
But you can't let that stopyou.
It's about seeking thatintentional, authentic
community, like a realconnection with someone.
And the two things that I wantyou guys to walk away from with
this episode is one to be tobring a mindful awareness to the
(40:51):
relationships that you have inyour life right now.
Feel the gratitude for everyrelationship in your life,
whether it's your spouse,whether it's your kids, whether
it's your friends from work,casual acquaintances.
Just stop and think about itfor a minute and just feel that
(41:17):
gratitude that they are in yourlife.
And when you see them again,bring a mindfulness to them
while you're with them, whereyou just are a space for them.
So when they speak to you, whatyou're doing is listening
without thinking about whatyou're gonna say in return.
That you just completely givethem your full attention.
(41:41):
Let them feel that love andcompassion you have for them.
No ulterior motive.
Just to be there for them, tolove them.
And the second thing is kind ofon the flip side of that.
That when you are alone, makeit a solitude.
(42:07):
In a solitude, that word is apositive aloneness.
It's the opposite of lonely,really, in its meaning.
It's like a time for you tocontemplate things, to reflect
on your life, to be intimatewith yourself and your life.
So honor your solitude or youraloneness when you have it.
(42:28):
Like right now, I'm in a veryalone state in my life.
I have my wife, I have my, youknow, I have friends and family,
but I've never had friends andfamily so close yet far, you
know, because of my busyschedule.
(42:48):
So I find myself in a verysolitude state of mind or state
of life, you know.
And it's not the mostcomfortable thing all the time,
but can I bring mindfulness andawareness to that, to my
solitude, and contemplate onwhat I need to contemplate on?
(43:09):
There's a verse from the Tao TeChing which really captures
this.
It says, Knowing others isintelligence.
Knowing yourself is truewisdom.
Mastering others is strength.
Mastering yourself is truepower.
(43:31):
If you realize that you haveenough, you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center andembrace death with your whole
heart, you will endure forever.
So I'm not out of the woods,guys.
(43:54):
I look forward to hopefullyhaving a job again that pays me
a livable wage, where I don'thave to stress about money all
the time, where I can have awonderful social work family
again, where I can have the timeto spend um with my friends and
(44:15):
family outside of work, youknow, ideally working 40 hours
or less a week again.
Oh I'm not out of the woods.
I'm not I'm not there yet, butI've learned that being in the
woods is not just a place toescape from, but there's
something here to discover.
(44:37):
So go slowly.
We're at the finish line, and Iwant to close out with a
reading from Rilke in hisletters to a young poet.
He says in his letter,therefore, dear sir, love your
(45:06):
solitude and try to sing outwith the pain it causes you.
For those who are near you arefar away, and this shows that
the space around you isbeginning to grow vast.
Be happy about your growth, inwhich, of course, you can't take
(45:32):
anyone with you.
And be gentle with those whostay behind.
Be confident and calm in frontof them, and don't torment them
with your doubts, and don'tfrighten them with your faith or
joy, which they wouldn't beable to comprehend.
Seek out some simple and truefeeling of what you have in
(45:58):
common with them, which doesn'tnecessarily have to alter when
you yourself change again andagain.
When you see them, love life ina form that is not your own and
be indulgent toward those whoare growing old, who are afraid
of aloneness, that you trust,and don't expect any
(46:22):
understanding, but believe in alove that is being stored up for
you like an inheritance, andhave faith that in this love
there is a strength and ablessing so large that you can
travel as far as you wishwithout having to step outside
(46:45):
it.
Blessings to all.
Thank you for listening.
It was weird.
It was like this irony.
I was busier than I'd ever beendriving gig work, driving
people around constantly.
But I was never more alone inmy life.
Hello, everyone, and welcomeback to another episode of the
(00:36):
Standing Nowhere podcast.
I am your host, Jacob Bueller.
As usual, it is a pleasure tobe back with you.
This episode is going to talkabout how important
relationships and friendship isin life, and how important
(01:00):
solitude and aloneness is aswell.
So this will be sort of ajourney of belonging to the
feeling of isolation andtransforming isolation into
aloneness where it creates aspace within us to find that
(01:24):
authentic connections, thoseauthentic connections with
others, which I'm still figuringout that part.
But in order to do this, I wantto go back in time.
All the way back, this is about18 years ago, a little over 18
(01:45):
years ago.
I was about 24, and I was abrand new single dad.
So we go back in time, 18years.
I was a new single dad aftergetting divorced.
So I found myself as a singledad around 24 years old.
(02:08):
My son was a couple months old,and I had been looking for a
decent job for a while, and Ifound uh a pretty good job at a
casino in Las Vegas.
I would be working in the callcenter, taking phone calls for
(02:29):
people who wanted to book theirvacation.
So I booked the rooms, thelimousines, I booked the show
tickets, the restaurantreservations, basically in
reservations department.
And I remember the first daythat we were in orientation,
there was a whole group of us,and there was one guy there.
(02:52):
His name was Rick.
And I want you to picture a guyslightly hefty.
Uh he shaved, preferred to havea shaved head, and he wore a
bow tie that day, which Ithought was awesome.
He dressed professionally, buthe had, you know, suspenders and
(03:14):
a bow tie.
And I, if I recall, I believehe had one of those little
Scottish golfer hats.
It didn't have the puff ball onthe top of it, but it was
professional, but it was justmore friendly and outgoing than
most of us had decided to wearthat day.
And he himself was such afriendly and outgoing person.
(03:36):
You know, he was going aroundthe room, shaking hands with
everyone, full of smiles, madeeveryone smile and laugh.
And we became friends prettyquickly, Rick and I.
And it wasn't too long after wehad started there and gone
through training that he invitedme to uh poker night at his
(03:59):
house.
Poker night was on Saturdaynight, every night at Rick's.
I think we started around 7:30.
And immediately I felt includedin this wonderful group of
people.
Um the first person that I metthere was Pat, short for
(04:20):
Patrick.
I want you to picture a reallybig guy, uh, really big guy,
with a bellowing laugh that justmade you feel good.
And he had a warm smile.
And um, you know, everyonethere just loved to have fun.
There was uh a lot of otherpeople that attended Poker
(04:41):
Knight too.
I won't go too much into thedetails or the weeds here on
each one of them, but the pokernight group was just this family
that welcomed me in.
And thinking back on it, I justcan't help but smile.
What a wonderful time in mylife.
Here I was, a new single dadwith a new job, but immediately
(05:02):
this guy Rick befriends me,brings me into his group, and
right away we all clicked reallywell.
I remember Pat on the firstnight, he was saying things
like, I really like this guy,Jake, Rick.
He found a good one here, youknow, patting me on the back and
stuff, making me feel welcome.
And his house, Rick's house iswhere we we had poker night at.
(05:27):
And uh his sister was livingthere at the time.
Tiffany, she's a great, greatgirl.
Uh she ended up marrying Pat uhlater on.
And those Saturday nights, Ijust it was great.
You know, I was part of afamily.
I was dating at the time too,so I would occasionally bring my
dates to meet the poker crew,quote unquote, you know,
(05:50):
periodically, see if they gaveme their approval or not.
There were some dates thatcouldn't stand it, said they
never wanted to go back becausepeople we we like to play poker
outside, and it would get alittle cold sometimes.
People there like to smokecigarettes too, and you know,
Pat he would tell me which oneshe liked, which ones he didn't
(06:10):
like.
When he met my wife eventually,he I remember when she was like
doing something else anddistracted, he leaned over to me
and whispered, You better notmess this one up.
I remember he said, he said, ifyou break it off with her,
you're done out of poker groupand she's gonna stay.
He just had he just knew thatmy uh my wife was the one when
(06:35):
he met her.
And, you know, that was myanchor Saturday nights with the
guys, you know.
And I had uh I had a lot ofother groups that I belonged to
as well, like my work family atBally's.
They did a great job making mefeel welcome there.
We had a lot of chess games.
We would hide the chess gameand the chessboard in the
(06:58):
drawers in the call center, butit was like I had my work
family, um, I had my poker nightgroup and my regular friends
and family as well.
So even though I was a singledad, I didn't feel alone in
raising my son.
I was able to bring him outaround a diverse community of
(07:18):
people that really helped me outin um in his upbringing.
I was I was so grateful forthat.
But looking back, you know, I'm42 now, and I was around 24 at
the time.
So we're talking, this isalmost half my life ago, and I
realized that relationships aresuch an important pillar of
(07:41):
health, your social life, forthat warmth, you know, that
safety, that belonging.
I have a great nostalgia forit.
I try not to get lost in thepast and be present with what
is, but right now it's a momentof reflection and contemplation
(08:01):
on those good times.
And I I want you guys to kindof take that away from this
episode as we progress andreflect on your own
relationships that you've hadthroughout your life and that
you still have.
Because here's the thing aboutbelonging is you don't realize
how much you need it until it'sgone.
(08:23):
You know, and for me, it didn'tdisappear all at once.
It was like a slow fade.
It's like watching a sunsetkind of in reverse.
Eventually for the poker nightcrew, our schedules they just
(08:53):
didn't quite work out like theyused to.
And a lot of us weren't able toget together on Saturdays like
we wanted to.
So poker nights started to fadea little bit.
Our schedules, they stoppedlining up, you know, life was
pulling people in uh differentdirections.
That thing that had reallysaved me during those tough
(09:17):
times was starting to slip away.
It wasn't the end of the world,you know.
I still had my friends, uh mywork family, and my regular
family.
You know, I'll just brieflymention I I had um I had lost a
friend from poker nightsuddenly, and it reminded me
(09:40):
that nothing really lasts.
You know, that there's athere's a guy, a good really
good guy that used to attend ourpoker nights.
His name was Chris, really coolguy, liked to wear leather
jackets, rode a motorcycle.
Um, and one day somebody pulledout in front of him and he was
gone.
And all of us at poker nightwere really saddened by that.
(10:02):
But even poker night itself, Iwould learn, you know, wouldn't
last.
My job at uh the casino I wasin with Rick, that didn't end,
or that didn't last.
It ended, and then I switchedto another casino doing the same
line of work, and that job alsouh was pulled out from under me
(10:24):
after three years of working atthat job, and it was a very sad
day.
I mean, you go to work, youhave your work family that you
see and love every day for threeyears.
I mean, if you like the peopleyou work with at your job at
least, and I did very much so.
And at the snap of a finger, Iwas gone.
(10:46):
So I lost my work family.
And at that point, poker nightswere a lot more few and far
between.
You know, they would rarely popup, and God forbid our
schedules lined up.
It was so great to actually goto another poker night again,
but having the inconsistency ofpoker nights and then losing my
(11:07):
job.
So after that, uh that's when Iswitched to uh driving gig
work.
And I I'm telling you all ofthis because as I mentioned at
the start of this episode, theselast two episodes of my first
20 are marking a shift away frommy solo episodes.
(11:29):
So I kind of wanted to fill insome more details about uh my
life leading up to kind of whereI started in the first episode
of this podcast.
So I started driving gig workafter I lost that job with that
casino.
And suddenly I started to feellike I was stuck in a dark hole.
(11:49):
I missed having my work family,I missed poker nights, I missed
a lot of those hangouts.
I still had my my regularfriends, and I didn't at this
point have to work too manyhours.
I think 30 to 35 hours a weekof Uber and Lyft was all that
was required to pay my bills.
You know, my car was paid off,my rent was only about 1,200
(12:12):
bucks a month.
But about a year into mydriving at Rideshare or doing
gig work, I got a text messagefrom Rick.
And Rick, he was just on thehead about it.
(12:33):
He didn't try to sugarcoatanything.
He sent me a text message withtwo words that said Pat died.
Pat died?
I saw the text and I rememberlocking my phone and putting I
(12:59):
was laying down on my bedtalking to my wife at the time,
and Rick sent me this text.
Pat died.
So I look at the text, and thenI put the phone down on the
bed, and it was like it was likeI read the text, but I didn't
register what he said.
Pat died.
And then it hit me like someoneshot me in the chest or
(13:22):
something with a shotgun.
And I texted him back.
I said, Are you serious?
What do you mean Pat died?
And he said, He died.
He stopped breathing when hewas sleeping last night.
So I'd lost one of my bestfriends, somebody who was always
(13:48):
there for me.
I got so many good memorieswith him, and it was like I had
never really lost a really closefriend before.
Chris, who had passed away, Imentioned earlier at poker
night.
We were good poker nightbuddies.
We didn't really get thatclose, but Pat, he was he was
(14:09):
like he was just somebody whowas really, really there for me.
Um at a time in my life where Ireally needed it, you know.
I have so many memories of him,of just good memories of him,
you know, making me laugh.
His laugh, I could still hearit in my head.
(14:31):
It was such a wonderful laugh.
I remember one time when I haddrank too much and I was keeled
over the toilet at poker night,and he was just he'd come in and
check on me every coupleminutes and just pat me on the
back, you know, you'll be allright, buddy, you know.
Um, just hearing stories aboutmy life and giving me support,
(14:53):
you know, just that really goodfriend that you always need.
And the first time I eversmoked pot actually was his, and
I had no idea what I was infor, and I got really sick on
the driveway.
It was hilarious.
So many good memories.
And then this text message justPat died.
Oh, and this is where I want totalk about aloneness and
(15:19):
loneliness and the differencebetween the two.
You know, going from a callcenter environment to driving
people around, there's a lot oftime in between passenger
pickups while you're doing Uberfull time, where you are alone
with your thoughts.
And I started to feel reallylonely.
(15:40):
It started to feel really dark.
But there's a differencebetween loneliness and aloneness
or solitude.
Solitude is a good thing, it'swhere you can contemplate
things.
And at this point, it itstarted to really hit me how
much I valued my friends and howmuch I needed them.
I'd have mornings where I'd crythinking about Pat.
(16:03):
This is like February of 2019.
You know, later that year, theCOVID lockdown kicked in.
I I think it was actuallyalmost a year later, but now to
make matters worse, after hepassed away, I was getting
married later that year.
(16:25):
Sad to know that he wouldn'tmake it to the wedding, of
course.
But I got married in May of2019, a couple months after his
death.
Lyft and Uber would start tocut pay, and at the same time,
cost of living would start toincrease, starting with my car
bill, which would then increasein rent, you know, all of that,
yada yada yada.
But after we got married, itwas like a month or two after,
(16:53):
another one of my really goodfriends, who I'll keep anonymous
because we don't speak anymore,but he ghosted me completely
with no explanation.
I have ideas as to why, but itwas like imagine having a friend
who you hung out with all thetime for ten years, suddenly
(17:18):
does not speak to you anymore,doesn't reply to calls, doesn't
reply to texts, nothing.
Just gone.
So this was a tough year for mein 2019.
One of my best friends passesaway, I get married, and one of
my best men at the wedding, thisguy cuts me off completely.
(17:43):
And I'm racking my brain, like,what did I do?
What did I do to upset thisguy?
For him to just never nevertalk to me and not tell me why.
I must have really donesomething.
You know, I I it deeplyaffected me at the time.
It was very heart-wrenching tojust lose one friend who dies,
(18:04):
and then another really goodfriend, one of my best friends
I've ever had in my life, justcuts me off.
It was a tough year.
And I remember waves of sadnesswould come upon me while I was
driving.
It was like my body was tellingme something, you know.
I remember one time I had justdropped this woman off and I was
(18:26):
on the freeway, and I juststarted to cry in the car, like
a deep cry from the pit of mysoul.
Just the feeling of lonelinessin my car.
I would work 4 a.m.
to 2 p.m.
I just felt like I wasn't goinganywhere in life, that I was
suddenly cut off from everyone.
Working all the time, being alot more broke than I usually
(19:00):
was, stressed out about rent.
You know, a lot of thesefinancial problems started
creeping in my life.
So it was like this doublewhammy of losing friends plus
financial woe.
And I can't really name thespecific thing that broke me
that morning when I startedcrying, but I think it was just
the silence.
The silence was starting to letme contemplate things.
(19:24):
It allowed me to feel what Iwas feeling instead of running
from it.
I couldn't go anywhere from it.
Just something about those colddark mornings in the car by
myself.
It was weird, it was like thisirony.
I was busier than I'd ever beendriving gig work, driving
(19:48):
people around constantly, but Iwas never more alone in my life.
And then it got even worse whenI switched to delivery work
because then I didn't havepeople in my car to talk to me.
You know, sure I would I wouldI meet people in restaurants
when I pick up deliveries, butit's really quick, and they're
(20:10):
busy, and I'm busy.
It was after I moved here toGilbert from Las Vegas, you
know, picking up food inrestaurants, I'm watching these
people laugh and connect witheach other over meals.
And I'm this guy who's alwaysliving in his car now.
(20:32):
Doesn't have nearly as manyfriends around him as he used
to, or people interested in himat all.
I'm wearing my athletic attire,because that's what you wear
when you do deliveries, becauseyou sweat a lot, you know, and
I'm just this odd fly on thewall in these restaurants, this
ghost.
That's what I felt like.
(20:52):
That's what I still feel likesometimes.
And then I I come home to mykids and they're living their
lives.
You know, they're busy withtheir own things, and they love
me and they miss me because Iwork a lot.
But like all kids, you know,they've got their lives.
So I would come home and eventhen I would still feel like a
(21:16):
ghost.
Like a ghost in my own home.
And my son, I love him so much.
You know, when he turned 18, hedecided he wanted to move out
into Las Vegas, reconnect withmy ex-wife, you know, live there
for a while.
It's been almost a year now,but that really hit me too.
(21:39):
Not being able to be there forhim, on top of feeling alienated
and like a ghost.
Now my son says he wants tomove away, and I felt like I
failed him so much.
And, you know, things likescreen time or cannabis were
filling the gaps sort of duringthe downtime, numbing, numbing
me out rather than me connectingwith what I was feeling inside.
(22:04):
I felt irrelevant.
I was at a p a place in my life39, 40 years old, where nobody
was interested in me anymore.
Because I didn't have time forthem.
And worse, I didn't have timefor myself.
It's like this slow,suffocating feeling of being
(22:30):
everywhere in the city, butbelonging nowhere.
And this is what led up to thatmoment, if you recall, if you
guys have heard my firstepisode, I mentioned it uh in
that episode, a dark momentwhere I really couldn't see a
(22:51):
way forward.
What I realized at the time,without realizing it, is that
sometimes you have to loseeverything borrowed before you
can find what is actually yours.
And what I mean by that is Iwas borrowing happiness from
(23:13):
material possessions and thingsthat I had.
But I didn't realize thathappiness was already mine, it
was inside, and I losteverything around me, and I
found a way to be happy again,which is where I'm at now.
(23:34):
And I I'm still in the thick ofit.
You know, I had moved toPhoenix when I had mentioned
that in the episode.
I was still doing deliverieswith minimal contact, no social
life, barely saw my family, allthe financial stress, and of
course it was October again.
It seems like October is whereall these things start to
happen, and I'd worked myselfinto a dark hole.
(23:56):
And that was when the thoughtarose that maybe it would be
easier if a car would take meout.
And when I had that thought,because I had never thought that
way before.
It wasn't like I was suicidal,as I mentioned before.
(24:17):
You know, it was it was just athought that maybe this would be
easier if I wasn't hereanymore.
And I'd never thought that waybefore.
So I texted it to one of mygood friends, and he's he's
(24:41):
like, I've been there, man.
You know, I've been there, andhe really connected with me on
it and empathized, and he wasthere for me when I really
needed it.
He's always been there for me.
And I just couldn't believethat my headspace had gotten
there.
When you get to the point whereyou feel like not being here is
(25:12):
easier, that's that's one ofthe darkest places a person can
get.
But that text that I sent him,that admission of how I was
feeling, it opened something upinside of me.
I had reached a wall,basically, where I was like,
okay, I don't know what I'mdoing anymore.
(25:34):
I don't know how I got here, Idon't know how to get out of
this, I don't know.
And I I started to open up andlisten and be more mindful from
the suffering and the mourningthat I was experiencing, but I
didn't have any direction.
(25:54):
I didn't know what to do.
And I mentioned in episode onehow something found me, and I
guess this is where I'll diveinto more detail on that.
I found a philosopher andspiritual person who goes by the
name of Alan Watts.
(26:15):
And some of you may know thatname, some of you may have heard
him, some of you may reallylove him or think indifferently
of him.
Whatever the case is, when Iheard Alan Watts for the first
time, and I was in thatreceptive state from the
(26:37):
suffering that I was goingthrough, it was just the perfect
combination.
I had reached a point where Irealized I don't know how to get
out of this, I don't know whatto do, I need help.
And just like the most perfectsynchronicity you could ask for,
I somehow stumbled onto thisphilosopher, Alan Watts, and he
(27:02):
spoke to the depths of my soul.
I cannot emphasize how muchthis man has changed my life.
If there is one person who Ican say is the most
life-changing person I've everexperienced, it would be Alan
Watts.
Everything he said just madecomplete sense to me.
(27:25):
It was like a key that fitperfectly into a lock and just
opened something up in me thathad been bound shut so tightly
by the way I was raised andpreconditioned.
And the best thing is, AlanWatts did not convince me of
(27:46):
everything of anything or try tosell me on a different way of
thinking.
He just shared the way heexperiences life and the way he
looks at life, and he didn'tinvalidate any of my prior quote
unquote beliefs or faiths oranything like that.
He just showed it to me from adifferent angle, making
(28:10):
something three-dimensional forme instead of two-dimensional.
And I listened to him every dayfor several weeks, and he
completely transformed the way Ithought.
You know, I had all this freetime in the car, and suddenly I
was filling it with usefulnessinstead of just playing music or
listening to random podcasts.
(28:31):
But suddenly I was filling itwith this guy, Alan Watts, and
it was like everything wasclicking.
He completely transformed mythought process.
And through proximity of AlanWatts, I found another thinker
named uh Ramdas, which meansservant of God.
(28:52):
His real name is RichardAlpert.
And these two guys, Alan Wattsand Ramdas, completely blew my
mind.
They changed the way that I hadlooked at my life, about
spirituality and religion andhow we deal with things in life.
And it's what led me to wantingto start this podcast and
(29:16):
maintaining my hope and myoptimism in the thick of all
this adversity, all thiscraziness, not only in the
world, but in my own personallife.
But I'm in a much differentheadspace.
I'm in a mindful state now.
And there was this unexpectedgift of being alone with my
(29:42):
thoughts, really alone.
Imagine this complete inversionof the way I was looking at my
life, where I was in this darkhole thinking about not wanting
to exist, and suddenly it itcompletely turns upside down.
And I have all of this time tomyself, this solitude, this
(30:05):
aloneness to really be with mythoughts and all the things that
I'm experiencing.
You know, the etymology of theword alone comes from all one,
pointing to being whole orcomplete in yourself, not
divided.
It really mirrors Jesus in theBible when he says, When thine
(30:29):
eye be whole or single, thywhole body will be full of
light, meaning not fragmented,not drawn in multiple directions
all the time, but withyourself.
And if you are on the spiritualpath and a seeker, then you
know how powerful it is to bewith what is.
(30:49):
All spiritual practices focuson bringing people to their
center, their present moment,being whole and undivided.
So, like I said earlier in thebeginning of the episode,
there's a difference betweenloneliness, which is more like a
painful absence of others, andaloneness, all oneness, being
(31:15):
all one, complete, whole.
That shift in language andperspective changes everything.
And on this notion ofloneliness versus aloneness, I
wanted to read to you a quotefrom Osho.
It's it's a little long, it'snot too long, but I think that
(31:39):
you will get a lot out of it ifyou can really hone in on this,
on what he's saying here,because it's very
transformative.
He says man ordinarily lives inloneliness.
To avoid loneliness, he createsall kinds of relationships,
(32:00):
friendships, organizations,political parties, religions,
and whatnot.
But the basic thing is that heis very much afraid of being
lonely.
Loneliness is a black hole, adarkness, a frightening negative
(32:22):
state, almost like death, as ifyou are being swallowed by
death itself.
To avoid it, you run out andfall into anybody just to hold
somebody's hand, to feel thatyou are not lonely.
Nothing hurts more thanloneliness.
(32:45):
But the trouble is anyrelationship that arises out of
the fear of being lonely is notgoing to be a blissful
experience, because the other isalso joining you out of fear.
You both call it love.
You are both deceiving yourselfand the other.
(33:08):
It is simply fear, and fear cannever be the source of love.
Only those who love areabsolutely fearless.
Only those who love are able tobe alone, joyously, whose need
for the other has disappeared,who are sufficient unto
(33:31):
themselves.
The day you decide that allthese efforts are failures, that
your loneliness has remaineduntouched by all your efforts,
that is a great moment ofunderstanding.
Then only one thing remains tosee whether loneliness is such a
(33:55):
thing that you should be afraidof or if it is just your
nature.
Then rather than running outand away, you close your eyes
and go in.
Suddenly the night is over anda new dawn.
The loneliness transforms intoaloneness.
(34:20):
Aloness is your nature.
You were born alone.
You will die alone, and you areliving alone without
understanding it, without beingfully aware of it.
You misunderstand aloneness asloneliness.
(34:43):
It is simply amisunderstanding.
You are sufficient untoyourself.
Well, I know that was a longerquote, but I wanted to read it
out in full because it is a verypowerful one.
There's a brief thing that Oshosays on this notion as well,
(35:05):
which is that meditation is justa courage to be silent and
alone.
Slowly, slowly, slowly, youstart feeling a new quality to
yourself, a new aliveness, a newbeauty, a new intelligence,
which is not borrowed fromanybody, which is growing within
(35:28):
you.
It has roots in your existence.
Which for me was my dependenceon others and my need to fill
(35:55):
the silence with this or that ascreen, a cannabis, or even
hanging out with someone out offear of being alone.
You know, understanding thisdifference between loneliness
and aloneness, it didn'tmagically fix everything.
(36:17):
I still had to figure out howto come back to people.
And that's where I am now,somewhere between the revelation
and the practice.
Because now that I am secure inmy aloneness, in my solitude, I
long for that connection.
(36:38):
After eight years of thisisolating gig work, I am trying
to find a community again,somewhere where I belong.
One of the major reasons Istarted this podcast is to
bolster that, to give a spacefor other people to share their
stories, but also for me to meetother people as they share
(36:59):
their stories, to connect.
And there's always that fear ofmeeting new people, that
initial discomfort.
And I still feel this.
I have interviews lined up thatI am absolutely terrified
about, you know, that irrationalfear of connecting with people.
But the truth is that thediscomfort you theorize of
(37:24):
socializing initially is totallyeclipsed by the discomfort of
loneliness.
And anyone out there who hasmaybe a lackluster social life
knows this truth.
Yeah, you'll feel uncomfortablewhen you meet someone
initially, but it quickly goesaway, especially as you guys
become good friends and find outyour common interests and you
(37:47):
can be a space and a lovingpresence for somebody else.
It feels great.
When I connect with new peoplenow, there's a gratitude that I
never had before for friends inmy life.
I have this newfoundappreciation for meeting people.
I've met drivers while I'mdoing deliveries and we've
(38:12):
exchanged numbers.
Um, one or two of them, we'vebecome really good friends,
actually.
And when he calls, I lookforward to his call to see how
he's doing strictly out ofgenuine interest in his life and
him as a person and how he'sdoing and how he's dealing with
things.
I've never realized thisbefore, but friends become way
(38:34):
more valuable as you age andhave fewer of them.
You know, in in uh Buddhismthey talk about the otherworldly
pleasures, which are pleasuresfrom basically being there for
someone that brings you joy.
It's unattainable by materialmeans.
You know, you can buy a new carand be like, oh, this is this
(38:55):
is so pleasurable, this isgreat, you know, or eating a
piece of pizza, but thosepleasures don't come close to
the pleasure you get from beingthere for someone else, for
being a friend to someone else.
And the same in reverse ofhaving friends be there for you.
But as I mentioned, I'm stillin the thick of it.
(39:16):
I still feel irrelevantsometimes.
So, what am I learning, youknow, while I'm still in the
thick of it?
Well, it's not about what I'mwhat I've mastered.
It's it's about the things thatI'm still learning.
It's this journey that I'mstill on.
(39:37):
Like Osho, his revelation aboutaloneness versus loneliness.
This is not theoretical.
This is something I'm living,and many of you listening are
living.
It's learning to sit with beingalone, without screens, without
numbing things.
But looking directly in theeyes of things that are there
(40:00):
that you've been running from.
And of course, we have to becareful about the friends we do
choose, because there arefriends in my life who have hurt
me.
And that's part of the risk.
(40:20):
But you can't let that stopyou.
It's about seeking thatintentional, authentic
community, like a realconnection with someone.
And the two things that I wantyou guys to walk away from with
this episode is one to be tobring a mindful awareness to the
(40:51):
relationships that you have inyour life right now.
Feel the gratitude for everyrelationship in your life,
whether it's your spouse,whether it's your kids, whether
it's your friends from work,casual acquaintances.
Just stop and think about itfor a minute and just feel that
(41:17):
gratitude that they are in yourlife.
And when you see them again,bring a mindfulness to them
while you're with them, whereyou just are a space for them.
So when they speak to you, whatyou're doing is listening
without thinking about whatyou're gonna say in return.
That you just completely givethem your full attention.
(41:41):
Let them feel that love andcompassion you have for them.
No ulterior motive.
Just to be there for them, tolove them.
And the second thing is kind ofon the flip side of that.
That when you are alone, makeit a solitude.
(42:07):
In a solitude, that word is apositive aloneness.
It's the opposite of lonely,really, in its meaning.
It's like a time for you tocontemplate things, to reflect
on your life, to be intimatewith yourself and your life.
So honor your solitude or youraloneness when you have it.
(42:28):
Like right now, I'm in a veryalone state in my life.
I have my wife, I have my, youknow, I have friends and family,
but I've never had friends andfamily so close yet far, you
know, because of my busyschedule.
(42:48):
So I find myself in a verysolitude state of mind or state
of life, you know.
And it's not the mostcomfortable thing all the time,
but can I bring mindfulness andawareness to that, to my
solitude, and contemplate onwhat I need to contemplate on?
(43:09):
There's a verse from the Tao TeChing which really captures
this.
It says, Knowing others isintelligence.
Knowing yourself is truewisdom.
Mastering others is strength.
Mastering yourself is truepower.
(43:31):
If you realize that you haveenough, you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center andembrace death with your whole
heart, you will endure forever.
So I'm not out of the woods,guys.
(43:54):
I look forward to hopefullyhaving a job again that pays me
a livable wage, where I don'thave to stress about money all
the time, where I can have awonderful social work family
again, where I can have the timeto spend um with my friends and
(44:15):
family outside of work, youknow, ideally working 40 hours
or less a week again.
Oh I'm not out of the woods.
I'm not I'm not there yet, butI've learned that being in the
woods is not just a place toescape from, but there's
something here to discover.
(44:37):
So go slowly.
We're at the finish line, and Iwant to close out with a
reading from Rilke in hisletters to a young poet.
He says in his letter,therefore, dear sir, love your
(45:06):
solitude and try to sing outwith the pain it causes you.
For those who are near you arefar away, and this shows that
the space around you isbeginning to grow vast.
Be happy about your growth, inwhich, of course, you can't take
(45:32):
anyone with you.
And be gentle with those whostay behind.
Be confident and calm in frontof them, and don't torment them
with your doubts, and don'tfrighten them with your faith or
joy, which they wouldn't beable to comprehend.
Seek out some simple and truefeeling of what you have in
(45:58):
common with them, which doesn'tnecessarily have to alter when
you yourself change again andagain.
When you see them, love life ina form that is not your own and
be indulgent toward those whoare growing old, who are afraid
of aloneness, that you trust,and don't expect any
(46:22):
understanding, but believe in alove that is being stored up for
you like an inheritance, andhave faith that in this love
there is a strength and ablessing so large that you can
travel as far as you wishwithout having to step outside
(46:45):
it.
Blessings to all.
Thank you for listening.
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