June 24, 2025 • 45 mins
On my 42nd birthday, I finally hit record. This first episode is a raw, honest origin story: life in the gig economy, working 50–60 hours a week to keep the lights on, and the moment in my car when everything bottomed out—and opened up. From toxic “think your way rich” self-help to a simple, practical mindfulness that met me right where I was (hands on the wheel, breath in the chest), I share how paying attention turned grinding anxiety into a surprising, steady peace.
You’ll hear:
- How financial pressure, long hours, and late fees set the stage—and why I started this show anyway.
- The text from a delivery customer that nudged me to begin.
- What “Standing Nowhere” means: trusting direct experience over concepts, and the shared heart of wisdom across traditions—Jesus, Buddha, and beyond.
- Easy, real-world practices you can try while driving, walking, or brushing your teeth to come back to now.
If bills wake you up at 3 a.m., if you’re burned out, or if you’re simply curious about a gentler way to move through your day, this one’s for you. Thanks for listening—and if it resonates, follow, rate, and share the show with someone who’s in the grind. More conversations, practices, and guests to come.
This episode discusses depression, financial stress, and past suicidal thoughts. Please take care while listening.
U.S. support: Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). Text HOME to 741741.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jacob (00:00):
Your life might seem like a mess right now, but maybe
it's a perfect mess, just likeit was for me, the perfect mess
to bring you inside to find somedeep lasting peace that you
didn't know was there.
As the title suggests, I don'tknow what I'm doing.
(00:38):
But today's my birthday.
It's my 42nd birthday, and Ithought, oh, what better day to
start?
I've been wanting to start thispodcast for quite a while now,
several years.
It first took kind of a vagueform of just wanting to do
something with my voice, arecording of some kind.
(01:00):
I drove well, before I starteddriving uh people around doing
Uber, I used to work at a callcenter.
And people would always tellme, You've got a radio voice.
You've got a radio voice.
Driving people around in Uberrides, same thing.
(01:20):
The desire to record or start apodcast kind of came in and out
from other people telling methat I should.
So everyone's telling me you'vegot the voice, why don't you do
it?
Well, what if you have nothingto say, right?
So I I kind of farted aroundand did a couple of podcasts,
(01:44):
um, episodes with my brother.
Nothing at all serious.
We recorded them on our phone,and then I did a couple by
myself on my phone, and then Idid one with uh my gaming
headset on my PC, and that oneactually got a couple of hundred
listens, and it generatedenough money for me to buy a
rock star energy drink.
(02:05):
And I thought, wow, that'spretty cool.
If I can just sit down and talkfor 30, 40 minutes to an hour,
whatever, and make some moneyout of it, that's pretty cool.
But the thing is, again, I Idon't want to sell things to
people and I don't want to getinto something just for the
money aspect.
I'm not a money-motivatedperson.
Ironically, one of the onlythings that can really get to me
(02:28):
in life or stress me out ismoney or financial insecurity.
And I've never experiencedfinancial insecurity like I have
in the last, I want to sayseven years, but really in the
last five years, like afterCOVID started, I have not felt
financially secure for at leastseven years, but especially the
(02:50):
last five.
And I eventually did bring homeCOVID to my wife and my son.
Luckily, he showed no symptoms.
He was only 14 at the time,something like that.
My wife and I got pretty ill,though.
We were floored for a couple ofdays.
Our uh sense of smell and tastehas never quite gone back.
I I still feel weird aroundgarlic.
(03:10):
I used to always love it, andnow I can barely stomach it.
I mean, I it depends, but itwas a rough time for me.
And you know, that it longstory short, I I went through a
pretty big uh nightmare periodover this last seven years,
especially the last five.
However, about three years ago,I hit my lowest point, and this
(03:35):
is kind of where this is allgonna connect together um to
explain why I wanted to startthis podcast, what this podcast
is gonna be about.
About three years ago, I hit mylowest point.
I decided to uh after thatcrappy house that we had to move
into uh with the with the badair conditioner and whatnot, and
various other problems which Iwon't get into.
(03:56):
We uh my mom texted me and shesaid, Why don't you guys move to
uh Gilbert, Arizona out hereand be with us?
Because a lot of my family hadmoved out to Gilbert and
Chandler in the uh PhoenixMetro, basically, little suburbs
on the outskirts, you know, ofthe metro.
My mom had called me, um, youknow, kind of at the peak of
(04:18):
when we were really strugglingin in Vegas with my new lower
credit score, um, living in theworst part of town.
We we decided to pack it up,uh, move out.
My mom said, you know, you cancome live with me for a couple
months while you get on yourfeet.
So three or four months withher.
We got our own place.
(04:38):
And we were really happy whenwe came out here, not just
because we were closer tofamily, but because it was a
fresh environment from Vegas.
It was very similar, you know,one desert to another.
It might be slightly hotterhere, a little bit more
family-oriented out here.
And one of the things thatimmediately started happening
(04:59):
was the reality set in about howhard I would have to work in
life, kind of from here on outfor the in indefinite future.
And I'm still in that uh rightnow, that extreme workload.
Uh, typically I have to do atleast 50 to 60 hours a week to
survive.
And maybe one or two weeks inthe middle of the month, I can
(05:21):
knock it down to 40 hours, 45hours.
But uh my first place that Igot was an apartment and it was
about $2,200 a month.
And if I was late, which I wasfor many months because it was
hard to live, you know, theywould bump up the fees to about
$2,400, $2,500 a month.
So for the first real year ofliving in Gilbert, I was paying
(05:44):
about $2,400 to $2,500 a monthin rent alone.
My car, uh, because I hadgotten into an accident with my
last car when I had good creditand I had to get a new car, uh,
they would only give me a carwith like, I think, 13 or 14%
APR.
So I'm still paying on that carnow, and it's like $472 a
(06:08):
month.
My insurance kept climbing upand up and up because insurance
is also linked to your creditscore.
So it was like this triple kickin the balls, uh, pardon my
language, from rent, uh, payingthe uh car bill, the insurance,
all these things were climbingup and up and up because of my
credit score.
(06:28):
Never mind the fact that I waslike a 750, just nearing on 800
credit score for my whole life.
None of that matters.
Overnight, if your credit scoregoes down, you're done.
And I went from no car bill,which was unfortunately
destroyed in a in a lift ride.
Um, after that car gotdestroyed, I got this car uh
(06:50):
that I'm driving now, which is aForte, it's a six-speed manual,
which I love.
You know, it's a little umlittle four-banger, it's good,
pretty good mileage.
I love manual transmissions,but I'm paying $472 a month on
this bad boy.
And the insurance, what when Iwas getting commercial
insurance, so I could dodeliveries uh for a living, like
(07:10):
DoorDash and things like that,or Uber and Lyft, the commercial
coverage for insurance was upto $370.
So all these bills were justgoing through the roof, and and
the cost of living for food andthings like that went up during
the four years, uh 20 to 24.
So it's been a big change.
And I don't say all thisbecause of woe is me, but this
(07:31):
is tying into why I wanted tostart this podcast.
And okay, so just to recap, II'd been hearing from people in
my sales uh career while itlasted.
Um, you should do you should doradio, you should do
podcasting.
Okay, thank you for thesuggestion.
You know, I have really nointerest in doing that.
What would I even talk about?
(07:52):
And then I switch over to Uberand Lyft rides, and people in
the Uber and Lyft rides aretelling me I should do it.
I'm like, okay, thank you.
You know, but again, what am Igoing to talk about?
I don't know how to do thatstuff, you know.
I've been in sales my wholelife, and now I'm not in sales.
Now I don't know what I want todo.
So I was doing Uber and Lyftand then eventually moved to um
Arizona.
Uber and Lyft didn't work outhere because the metro is just
(08:15):
too big.
So I did deliveries, which isnicer because I can stick in uh,
you know, my area, which islike Chandler-Gilbert area, you
know, the southeast part ofPhoenix.
But while I was doingdeliveries and experiencing this
um this immense pressure tosurvive and work these extreme
(08:36):
hours, because before, when Iwas doing Uber and Lyft, before
the cost of living went up, Ionly had to work about 30 hours
a week.
And the first year in Gilbertwas really rough because of the
cost of living.
And I had found myself workingmore than I had ever worked in
my life.
And like I mentioned earlier,I'm still in that boat.
But at the time, I had neverexperienced uh demand like that
before, especially a job likedeliveries.
(08:58):
I had never been in my caralone for 10 hours, 11 hours a
day, sometimes 12 hours a day.
And it got to me, you know,like it would anybody.
Uh, human beings, they say uhscience is finding that we're
most productive around 30 hoursor less a week.
40 is even pushing it, and I'msitting here doing 50 to 60
(09:20):
hours on top of being stressed,right?
Like I had never experiencedstress before, like financial
stress, where you're waking up,and some of my listeners can
relate to this right now.
And if so, this is this mightbe a good podcast for you
because I I would wake up at twoor three in the morning
thinking about rent, thinkingabout bills, and waking up
(09:43):
almost every day in the red.
Because with Uber and Lyft andGigwork, you know, in general,
you can cash out your earningson a daily basis.
So I'd find myself racing eachday to cover what was needed and
was what bills were goingthrough, and then waking up in
the red the next day and racingto get out of the red to avoid
overdraft fees.
I mean, it was a reallysickening thing.
(10:04):
Now, some people are reallyhard on themselves.
They say poverty is a mindset.
If you're poverty, if you'rebroke, it's because you're
thinking broke.
You got to think rich.
And that was a that was aproblem that I found myself in
when I was in network marketing.
And that ties into where I wasthree years ago at my ultra low
point.
And I'm gonna connect all thesedots here for you soon and you
(10:26):
know, kind of graduate uh as wemove towards the finish line
about what this podcast is aboutand uh who it's for.
And it's really gonna be foreveryone, but especially those
suffering from stress, not justfinancial stress, but all the
stresses of life, you know, fearof death, fear of being
homeless, etc.
So I found myself in asituation where I had never
(10:53):
worked this much before, and Iwas starting to really feel it.
But I forgot, let's go back fora second.
Um, when I was mentioning umthe mindset of poverty where
people, when I was in networkmarketing, especially, one of
the things that they wouldemphasize was self-help, which
which actually ironically tiesinto where I was three years ago
(11:15):
and um how I got to where I amnow and eventually starting this
podcast.
So the self-help books that Iread were really terrible for my
mental health.
They were all kind of pointingto you as if you were
responsible for all yoursuccesses and you were
responsible for all yourfailures.
So I tried like positiveaffirmations, but uh these
(11:41):
self-help books were doingmassive, massive psychological
harm to me.
They were basically telling methat if I wasn't successful, it
was it was a problem on my end,like poverty was a mindset.
And you know, there there'ssome maybe nuggets of wisdom in
that you don't want to think ofyourself as a poor person.
Like right now, I amfinancially very poor.
(12:04):
You know, like most Americans,I don't have a few hundred
dollars for an emergency.
I'm living paycheck topaycheck, you know?
And that's not because of achoice I made.
My wife and I, we barely spendmoney as is.
So how can we live almost onvapor and then blame myself on
top of it for not being, youknow, more successful, quote
unquote, whatever that means inthis country, in this economy,
(12:26):
this economic system.
So, anyways, I I read a lot ofbooks that were very harmful to
my health and um just even doingpositive affirmations, you
know, your brain's not reallybelieving them.
So the whole time you'resaying, I'm a successful person,
I'm a successful person, I'm asuccessful person, your brain's
like, yeah, right, you're afucking loser, you're a fucking
loser, you're a fucking loser.
(12:49):
And that's what your brain isdoing when whenever you try to
fight against the grain,basically, you're trying to
rewrite the program describingwho and what you are, and you
can't do that, which we're gonnaget into.
And to tie this together, I wasat a low point three years ago,
(13:10):
and um oh yes, I'm sorry, thebook first.
So I read this book, WhereverYou Go, There You Are, and it
and it started talking aboutsomething called mindfulness.
Now, when I say that wordmindfulness, all kinds of things
will pop in your head.
Oh, yeah, good way to beproductive.
Oh, yeah, good way to be betterat sales.
Oh yeah, mindfulness, good wayto be better at this, better at
that.
What can we use mindfulness forto get better at, right?
(13:32):
And there was another book Iread called The Power of the
Subconscious Mind, which waskind of, I think, also geared
for salespeople.
But there was something very,very, very interesting in the
Power of the Subconscious Mindbook that I read.
And these books, by the way, Idon't advocate for anyone.
Wherever you go, there you are.
That's a great book.
I recommend that book.
The power of your subconsciousmind, don't recommend that book.
(13:53):
Uh, but there was a nugget thatI got out of it, which you can
get much much better from otherbooks, and it was the nugget of
being present with what is,being mindful of what is.
There was a particular partwhere it said, and I'm I'm
paraphrasing the book here, butit said, like, for example, when
you are brushing your teeth,you are only brushing your
(14:14):
teeth.
You are feeling the bristles onyour teeth, you are feeling the
uh the acidic feeling from thefluoride, you know, the rinsing.
You are just completely withwhat is.
When you are walking from yourcar to your job, you are just
walking from your car to yourjob.
You are just feeling your feeton the ground, the wind on your
(14:37):
skin, whatever sensations arearising in the present moment,
that is all that you are with.
And that really hit me.
That really stuck with me.
And I didn't, I didn't realizehow much it did at the time, but
I found myself kind of curiousabout that.
I was like, wow, that actuallyfeels really good.
All the books I've read havenot made me feel this good of
just being with what is.
(14:59):
It was the just the calmingdown, just the being with what
is, looking at my mind, youknow, watching my mind, becoming
the watcher instead of the doerand the planner and the
manipulator and the striver.
I was, is that a word, striver?
The one striving.
It was really just the act ofwatching.
(15:20):
And I didn't realize it at thattime either.
But notes of it, traces of itwere just carrying with me as I
as I kept going, stumblingforward essentially.
So I get to Gilbert, and I findmyself working more than I've
ever worked, you know, back intothree years ago, my lowest
(15:42):
point.
And I I got to the point whereI was so bummed out about how
much time I had to spend workingand living in my car that I
started to get really down.
I started to get really sad.
I would start crying ondeliveries, I would start
pounding on my steering wheel.
(16:02):
Like, what is it?
What how did I get here?
You know, this uh I'm just it'slittle old me, and I just like
to have fun with my friends andspend time with my kids, and you
know, I'm I'm I'm alight-hearted fellow.
And how did I get here?
How do I get out of here?
I suddenly felt like I was a umin a in a box, or like stories
(16:24):
you hear of people who uh gottheir leg pinned in an elevator
or something, and they hadnothing they could do except
wait, wait, wait.
And I had this dark, darkthought, and it popped in my
head out of nowhere, and itsaid, I would love it if a car
(16:44):
would take me out.
I would love it if a car wouldjust collide with my car and
just take me out, or at leastyou know, cripple me so I can't
do this work anymore, and thenthe next thing will present
itself.
I was like, it can't it justcan't be this hard all the time.
(17:05):
It just can't be.
I can't do this.
You know, I didn't know what todo.
And I texted my friend, my goodfriend, who's been a he's been
a friend of mine since I was akid, and when that happened, I I
I can't even put into words,but it was like in the Sermon on
the Mount with Jesus, there'sone thing he said where it was
(17:26):
uh like blessed are those whomourn, for they shall be
comforted.
And that's where I was.
I was mourning, I was so sad,and it was this deep sadness,
deep, deep, deep.
And it's one thing to theorizeabout it or conceptualize it,
but it's another thing to reallylive it.
(17:47):
And I found myself at thebottom of the abyss, at least
for me, up until that point inmy life.
I had never experiencedanything lower, and I've
experienced plenty of low pointsin my life.
I've had plenty of bouts withdepression all the way back to
when I was a kid, just being amore sensitive, empathic, um,
intuitive.
(18:07):
I I don't know how to describemyself as a younger kid.
I was very just with what uhwhat I was I don't know how to
describe it.
I was very sensitive as a kid,I guess.
And I I I can still besensitive as an adult sometimes.
Try not to be overly sensitive,but I was very sensitive in
that moment, and I was at mylowest moment, and I gotta tell
(18:28):
you guys, it was not a goodfeeling.
It was not good.
I I just don't know how todescribe it to you.
I wish I could.
You can see me kind ofstruggling and flailing here to
describe it, but I think I thinkI've said enough on it.
And in that moment, it was likesomething opened.
(18:49):
And it it it allowed me to openup, essentially.
I I opened.
It was like a flower that waslike yearning for the sun, and
as soon as the sun hit it, likethe petals opened up, right?
So there I was working my 50 to60 hours a week, and somehow,
somehow, I had started uhlistening to other thinkers,
(19:12):
other philosophers, otherspiritual people.
Because I was really on asearch.
I was like, what's what is themeaning of all this?
What's the purpose of all this?
Why am I here?
How did I get to this placewhere I'm working so goddamn
much?
You know, I was like, part ofme was getting frustrated, even.
So I opened and I startedlistening to other thinkers,
(19:35):
thinkers of the east, thinkersof the west.
You know, I started going to umlike home church groups in um
in Gilbert, met a lot of goodpeople there, and just really
kind of like lifting the hood onmy philosophy on life and my
spirituality, and what do Ibelieve?
Where am I?
What what is all this, youknow?
(19:57):
And I found something, orbetter, better described, I I
would I would suppose I shouldsay something found me.
I know some people might wincewhen they hear that, other
people might say, Yeah, ofcourse, but I don't know how
else to tell you.
Something happened, somethingfound me, and everything started
(20:21):
to really, really click.
And I started driving my usual50 to 60 hours, but I was
completely with it, I was onboard with it, and you know,
long story short, three yearslater, I am in one of the
happiest places of my lifeinternally.
(20:44):
You know, in Christianity, theymight describe it as the peace
that surpasses allunderstanding, and that word
understanding in Greek is alsounderstood as comprehension or
mind.
So a peace that surpasses allmind, all comprehension, all
logic.
I would say I'm experiencingthat right now.
(21:05):
You can call it the peace ofChrist, the peace of Buddha, the
peace of doubt, whatever wordyou want to insert into this
calm and good feeling I haveinside right now.
I I found it, or it found me.
And tying this together, that'swhy I felt compelled to want to
do this podcast.
And it didn't come about sosimple, actually.
(21:27):
It was basically about a yearin to me really ceasing my going
against the grain and goingwith what is, that I said to
myself, or God, I said, Well,I've got a lot of space inside
me now.
Uh I'm feeling much better.
(21:47):
I'm much in a much happierplace than I was before, that's
for sure.
Much happier than probably I'veever been.
And yet I'm still working 50 to60 hours a week.
So, okay, God, okay, universe.
What do you want me to do?
I have space in me, I haveenergy in me, I have, you know,
(22:08):
enthusiasm.
What what do you where do youwant me to take this?
I don't know what to do.
I'm not going back to sales,and I can't stay in gig work for
the rest of my life.
So what do you want me to do?
And I didn't ask it in a whatdo you want from me?
You know, what do you want meto do?
Type type ask.
I was like, okay, what next?
(22:28):
What do you want from me?
You know, what what would youlike me to do?
Please guide my steps.
And I and to be honest, I was alittle emotional at the time.
I was kind of like happy, butalso sad.
Like, okay, what's the nextthing?
And and inside of me is alsothat desire to find something
that I can do that will supportmy family and allow me to do
(22:50):
what I love.
So I am on this delivery whileI'm asking these questions,
delivering some alcohol on aDoorDash order.
And I drop the alcohol off, Iget the signature from the lady
because you got to show your ID,and I'm leaving.
And um, you know, a coupleminutes driving away from the
lady's house, and with DoorDash,you can text your driver after
(23:12):
you've dropped something off.
So she texts me and she says,Hey, uh, this might be out of
place, but have you ever thoughtabout doing a podcast?
You have a very beautifulvoice, something to that effect,
and she's like, I just wantedto put that out there for you.
Now I was cr literally cryingout to you can call him, her, it
(23:36):
god, infinite intelligence,whatever word you have for what
this all is, I was crying out tothat on the way to her house.
On the way out, I got amessage.
Have you ever thought aboutdoing the podcast?
Now I've heard that many timesbefore, like I told you guys,
(23:57):
the passengers, people in mysales, you know, and I it's
danced on my mind and I havedabbled in it, but I had never
had somebody um kind of directlytell me to do it as a
suggestion immediately after Iwas like literally crying uh,
you know, about what to do withmy life.
(24:19):
And it would be at least ayear, year and a half after that
before I finally sat down andrecorded this episode.
And I had recorded severalepisodes before this, but I was
never happy with them.
I because this space that I'venow found in myself that I want
to share with other people isnot like a teacher-student
(24:39):
relationship type thing.
And I just wanted to share orstart a podcast to share things
that have really inspired meover the last three years that I
want to share because I havebeen on fire for the last three
years.
Like when I tell you I was atmy lowest place and it opened me
(25:01):
up, and I started listening tophilosophers and other thinkers,
I don't mean that in a casualway.
I mean I was literally dousedin gasoline and somebody threw a
match on me and I'm screamingin flames right now, always like
on fire for this shit.
Excuse my language.
But I literally eat, sleep, anddrink uh the study of the mind,
(25:25):
of philosophy, of religion,various religions, spiritual
practices, and I'm studying allof them, not with the intent of
proving one correct or the otherwrong.
I am more interested in whatcommon themes they all share.
And I will tell you this withabsolute sincerity: that I have
(25:48):
learned that all of thespiritual paths do say the same
thing in various ways.
And that is going to be one ofthe major themes of this show is
what is the juice and thenectar that they're all bringing
to the table that has beenperhaps misrepresented,
(26:10):
misunderstood, misarticulated,maybe weaponized.
There is a lot of stuff thathas come with these teachings.
Because the people that bringthese teachings to us, they do
it in a fresh and spontaneousway.
You know, to use the words ofJesus, let not your left hand
(26:32):
know what your right hand doeth.
You know, he just acted out ofhis center, his if you will, his
empty space inside, hisemptiness, as the Buddhists like
to say, which Westerners winceat when they hear emptiness, but
it's not it's not like a i i ifyou're a western listening to
this and you hear emptiness andyou wince, don't worry.
(26:53):
It's not like you think.
It's the most beautiful thingever.
And it's the same thing thatJesus taught and that all these
thinkers taught.
But what happens after theseteachers are teach is that
people fall madly in love withthem and they start to build up
beautiful uh surroundinggarments and um ramparts and oh,
(27:20):
what's the word?
Um I mean, you've seen the thechurches and cathedrals that
have been built built throughthe millennia, you know.
I mean, the it it's a seriousthing because they're talking
about your source, where youcome from, what you are, because
you are not a little separatething from this whole universe.
(27:43):
You are actually a distinctpart of it, you're not a
separate part of it.
Just as say an ocean has waves,the wave in the ocean is not
separate from the ocean.
When you look at a wave, youdon't go, oh, that's a wave, and
then there's the ocean kind ofunderneath the wave.
(28:03):
You are exactly like that.
You cannot be separated fromthis whole thing that we call
life or the universe.
And when you really understandthat and you go deep down into
it, uh it changes you in aprofound way, and it it goes
beyond understanding it becausethere may be people listening to
(28:27):
this who hear what I'm sayingand it rings a bell of truth
inside of you automatically.
You just you just know it'strue, and it feels good to hear
someone say it and you and yousay, Yeah, that that that's
that's it, man.
Yeah.
It's one thing to get it likethat on a conceptual level, but
(28:48):
it's another thing when youstart living it on a
moment-to-moment-to-momentbasis.
And that is what trust is allabout.
Because if I tell you whileyou're listening to this
podcast, I want you to listen tothe words that are coming out
of my mouth, but not try to makesense of them.
(29:08):
Let your brain do that.
It happens automatically.
You don't have to try to makeit happen.
If you're in your car, I wantyou to feel the seat underneath
you.
I want you to feel what doesthe steering wheel feel like.
And don't describe it in words,because words are slow and
(29:30):
clunky.
It's like looking at binarycode instead of looking at what
the code actually is asrepresented on your computer
screen after it's been processedby your CBU.
I want you to just feeldirectly a direct experience
with what is.
Maybe you are outside runningor walking and you're feeling
(29:54):
the morning air on your face,and you hear the birds singing.
Whatever that is, Be with thatcompletely.
The first thing that you'regoing to notice as you start to
practice this is that your mindis going to start tugging you
back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
(30:14):
Okay, your seat, that's greatand all.
Your steering wheel, that feelsgood and all, but we better
start thinking here.
We better start thinking aboutthat bill.
We better start thinking aboutwhat we're going to say to the
boss, why the project's not doneyet, this, that, and the other.
The brain is going to fight youto come back up.
Now, this is not to say thatthinking is a bad thing that you
(30:38):
should not do and you shouldavoid at all costs.
I'm not saying that at all.
In fact, when thoughts do come,it's important that you be with
those as well, because thoseyou could call your sixth sense.
You've got your five regularsenses, which is sight, what you
can see, sounds, what you canhear, taste, obviously, what you
(31:00):
put in your mouth, your tongue,your taste buds, smell, and of
course, touch, tactilesensation.
And of course, the sixth one wecould say are mental
projections or images or mindactivity.
Those are the only six thingsthat are ever at any time
happening in your life.
At any time.
It's like uh guitar hero, ifyou if you've ever played that
(31:23):
game, they got the six notes onthe bottom, I think it's six
notes, and they just play littlemelodies.
Well, that's exactly what yourlife is.
And it's not to reduce it, butit's to look at it.
The way you as a human interactwith life is through the six
sense spheres.
The five in the material worldand the six you could say is in
(31:43):
the mind, but they are sixthings coming at you.
So when I say feel the seatbeneath you wherever you're
sitting, or the your feet ifyou're walking, or the steering
wheel if you're in your car, orthe sounds coming to your ears
right now from me, to be withthose completely.
And if on occasion a thoughtcomes, which it definitely will,
(32:05):
not just on occasion, butconstantly, relentlessly, to be
with the thought as well.
See, thoughts are not a badthing, but thoughts that you are
not aware of, ooh, now there'swhere we get into trouble.
Your thoughts are not you.
Your thoughts think themselves,they happen of their own
(32:26):
accord.
Unless you are completely withthem, you are lost.
And to be in the moment withwhat is takes a trust.
In fact, it is the ultimateform of trust to be with what is
because try it.
You'll see very quickly thebrain, even before you start
(32:47):
thinking, you'll start to noticethe pull.
Oh, I'm about to think.
Ooh, and then there's athought, and it'll take you
away.
And without even realizing it,you've gotten on a bus and you
don't know where it's takingyou.
It could be how many times haveyou had a thought of somebody
confronting you just randomly?
Like you're about to go intoStarbucks, and then your brain
(33:09):
says, Oh, what if this guy cutsme in line?
Or uh, you know, this persondoes this to me, I'm gonna, I'm
gonna say this back to him, andthen he might do this, and then
I'll say, Oh, I'm gonna have myresponse planned for him, I'm
gonna say this.
And before you know it, you'reoff to the races with this whole
conflict that you're playingout in your mind.
Or worse, what if a thoughtpops into your head that says,
(33:30):
I'm a loser, I'm a nobody,nobody cares about me?
Do I even really care aboutanyone else?
You see, these thoughts happenof themselves.
They think themselves, and thenyou identify with the thought,
and you say, Yeah, that thatthought, that's me.
I'm not asking you to changeyour thoughts, I'm not asking
(33:54):
you to stop your thoughts, I'msimply asking you to to notice
them.
And the more you practice, themore you'll notice them.
And the more you notice things,the more that your life starts
to change.
And you'll notice in all thespiritual traditions the
emphasis is on letting go.
(34:18):
It's on relaxing, it's uh it'son ceasing your striving to be
with completely with what is.
Buddhism, for example, theBuddha, Buddha means one who is
(34:38):
awake.
So Buddhism is is an ism aboutawakefulness.
And you'll notice that's whatJesus taught too.
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesussaid, This I say to you, I say
to all.
Stay awake.
The title of the podcast isStanding Nowhere, and that is a
(35:01):
metaphor for standing on aconcept.
If you are standing on anyconcept, you are lost because
all concepts ultimately fallutterly short of describing
reality.
Reality is and you can't givethat a name.
Reality is and you can't namethat.
(35:28):
You can say clap, clap, clap,but that's not.
Do you see how completelydifferent they are?
So any concept you have in yourskull about what's going on
ultimately is false and willfail you and will not keep you
warm at night.
(35:48):
So the ultimate form of trust,which is another word of faith
for faith, is to trust exactlywhat you see, hear, smell,
taste, touch, or think rightnow, that is the only truth
there is, and that is the onlything you can trust.
(36:10):
But I'm here to say that youcan trust that.
So if me, if me telling youthat somehow you're still
holding on in the back of yourmind that can I trust it though?
Can I do I really know what'sgonna happen to me after yes.
You can trust it.
After all, you are it.
(36:31):
You came out of it and you havefun coming out of it and going
back to it, coming out of it andgoing back to it.
Up and down.
Everything is undulating inthis universe.
Out of the silence comes sound,comes light, comes life.
(36:52):
Anyways, I hope you guysenjoyed this first episode, and
rest assured, this is going tobe the most different episode,
probably of the entire bunch.
It was just a little bit of abackground on me, a little bit
in my headspace, where Istarted, where I'm at now, and
just a little taste before weclose.
(37:12):
I will be deep diving into allkinds of things that I think um
you will find interesting, ormaybe not.
Some people are not ready tohear these things yet.
You know, the translation ofthe word repent in old Hebrew is
to turn back.
And I think that relates towhen we're born, we go out into
the world, we get obsessed withthe material things, all the
(37:34):
shiny dancing things in theworld.
And it's not like they're badthings or that we have to shun
them, but at a certain point youfind that they do not fulfill
you at all in any way, onlytemporarily, and then you're on
to the next thing.
How many times do you see junkpiles outside of people's houses
on trash collect you know, junkdays, big bulk days for trash
(37:55):
and people in neighborhoods,just hordes of junk.
In the West, we're justconverting as much material into
junk as fast as possible, andnone of it fulfills.
It's like the end of that movieWALL-E, the whole planet's full
of junk, right?
Now I'm not I'm not puttingdown material things, but I am
telling you, if you have notfigured it out yet, they will
(38:17):
absolutely never bring youlasting joy and happiness.
And you'll find out there's adifference between joy and
pleasure.
Between happiness and pleasure.
It doesn't mean that you haveto be an ascetic monk and r
renounce everything, but youmight want to loosen your grip
on it a little bit and standnowhere.
(38:38):
Be with what is for those whohave ears to hear, hear.
Basically, if you're ready tohear this message, this podcast
will find you when it's supposedto.
And it's a work in progress.
I'm learning about these thingsmyself, but I am without
question on fire for it.
(38:58):
I think part of the reason I'vedelayed this podcast is to see
if my interest would wane.
How many times have I gotteninterested in something in my
life only to abandon it uh outof lack of interest?
But here I am, three yearslater, still digesting and
reading as much material on thestuff as I can.
It it very much interests me.
And it in a way that I want torelay it to other people because
(39:22):
there are practices you can do.
You can call them spiritual, oryou can just call them
practices.
The word spirit simply meansbreath.
So take for that what you know,take from that what you will,
but we're going to be talkingabout all kinds of things.
I'll be interviewing peopleeventually, ideally, uh great
thinkers like this, becausethere is infinite space inside
(39:43):
of you, infinite peace, infinitejoy, infinite bliss, and all
you have to do is look within,to turn back and look within,
which is the actual originaldefinition of the word repent.
Another word that's beenco-opted by modern
interpretation to mean feelguilty about.
Oh, you should repent.
You should repent.
You a bad boy.
You gotta repent.
(40:04):
No.
It means to come back home tolook inside of you.
You've looked everywhereoutside.
Now let's look inside, and youmight just find that you are
really part of the whole thing.
And that what you thought was abad event in your life might
actually be a blessing.
I'll end on a parable.
(40:24):
And then we can go our separateways.
And I'm I'm gonna be recordinga couple more episodes, but this
will be my first episode on mybirthday here, turning 42.
I'm in my seventh cycle of myseven-year cycles here.
So uh here's the parable.
A farmer and the neighbor.
So the farmer wakes up and goesoutside to find his horse, one
(40:46):
of his best horses, has runaway.
The neighbor, uh, looking oversays, I'm sorry, brother, that's
that's really too bad.
And the farmer says, Maybe.
The next day he awakens to findthat the horse has returned and
it has another horse with it.
The neighbor, seeing this,said, Brother, that's wonderful.
Congrats.
(41:07):
And the farmer says, Maybe.
Later that day, the farmer'sson is trying to tame the new
wild horse that the other horsebrought home.
The horse bucks him off and hebreaks his leg.
The neighbor says, That'sterrible.
And the farmer says, Maybe.
(41:27):
The following morning, the armyis going through his territory
conscripting young soldiers, butthey can't recruit his son
because his leg is broken.
The neighbor says, That'swonderful.
The farmer says, Maybe.
So with that, I'll leave youguys.
(41:50):
Don't judge a book by itscover.
Your life might seem like amess right now, but maybe it's a
perfect mess, just like it wasfor me, the perfect mess to
bring you inside to find somedeep lasting peace that you
didn't know was there.
Anyways, this has been theStanding Nowhere Podcast episode
(42:10):
one.
I am your host, Jacob, and I'msigning out.
Please like and subscribe anddo all the things that you're
supposed to do that I don't knowwhat I'm supposed to say to get
you to come back.
I had to do it.
I kept I kept this episodeprocrastinating long enough, and
I finally did it.
And you know what?
This episode is not perfect.
There's probably some lungparts.
There's probably a lot ofpeople who tuned out halfway,
(42:30):
but I did it, gosh darn it.
And I'm gonna try to get betterat it for you guys and for
myself, and uh see if I can makethis into a full-time gig for
me, or at least a passion oflove on the side.
And either way, I am okay, andI will be okay, even if I have
to work 55, 60 hours a week forthe rest of my life.
That's okay.
(42:51):
I'm happy, very happy, and Ilove you guys and blessings.
Music (42:58):
This voice my feel like the stuff from standing now for
a while.
No heroes, no headlines, nopromises, just a whisper that
(43:24):
won't be afraid, stand downnowhere feels like home.
No facts to wave no need towrong.
(43:45):
Silence speaks louder than morebecause I've never felt so
anxious.
The clock's always in theheavens stop walking just yes,
(44:35):
stand in no wise and free.
No chains, no name, no dishwise to hear nothing.
Your life might seem like a mess right now, but maybe
it's a perfect mess, just likeit was for me, the perfect mess
to bring you inside to find somedeep lasting peace that you
didn't know was there.
As the title suggests, I don'tknow what I'm doing.
(00:38):
But today's my birthday.
It's my 42nd birthday, and Ithought, oh, what better day to
start?
I've been wanting to start thispodcast for quite a while now,
several years.
It first took kind of a vagueform of just wanting to do
something with my voice, arecording of some kind.
(01:00):
I drove well, before I starteddriving uh people around doing
Uber, I used to work at a callcenter.
And people would always tellme, You've got a radio voice.
You've got a radio voice.
Driving people around in Uberrides, same thing.
(01:20):
The desire to record or start apodcast kind of came in and out
from other people telling methat I should.
So everyone's telling me you'vegot the voice, why don't you do
it?
Well, what if you have nothingto say, right?
So I I kind of farted aroundand did a couple of podcasts,
(01:44):
um, episodes with my brother.
Nothing at all serious.
We recorded them on our phone,and then I did a couple by
myself on my phone, and then Idid one with uh my gaming
headset on my PC, and that oneactually got a couple of hundred
listens, and it generatedenough money for me to buy a
rock star energy drink.
(02:05):
And I thought, wow, that'spretty cool.
If I can just sit down and talkfor 30, 40 minutes to an hour,
whatever, and make some moneyout of it, that's pretty cool.
But the thing is, again, I Idon't want to sell things to
people and I don't want to getinto something just for the
money aspect.
I'm not a money-motivatedperson.
Ironically, one of the onlythings that can really get to me
(02:28):
in life or stress me out ismoney or financial insecurity.
And I've never experiencedfinancial insecurity like I have
in the last, I want to sayseven years, but really in the
last five years, like afterCOVID started, I have not felt
financially secure for at leastseven years, but especially the
(02:50):
last five.
And I eventually did bring homeCOVID to my wife and my son.
Luckily, he showed no symptoms.
He was only 14 at the time,something like that.
My wife and I got pretty ill,though.
We were floored for a couple ofdays.
Our uh sense of smell and tastehas never quite gone back.
I I still feel weird aroundgarlic.
(03:10):
I used to always love it, andnow I can barely stomach it.
I mean, I it depends, but itwas a rough time for me.
And you know, that it longstory short, I I went through a
pretty big uh nightmare periodover this last seven years,
especially the last five.
However, about three years ago,I hit my lowest point, and this
(03:35):
is kind of where this is allgonna connect together um to
explain why I wanted to startthis podcast, what this podcast
is gonna be about.
About three years ago, I hit mylowest point.
I decided to uh after thatcrappy house that we had to move
into uh with the with the badair conditioner and whatnot, and
various other problems which Iwon't get into.
(03:56):
We uh my mom texted me and shesaid, Why don't you guys move to
uh Gilbert, Arizona out hereand be with us?
Because a lot of my family hadmoved out to Gilbert and
Chandler in the uh PhoenixMetro, basically, little suburbs
on the outskirts, you know, ofthe metro.
My mom had called me, um, youknow, kind of at the peak of
(04:18):
when we were really strugglingin in Vegas with my new lower
credit score, um, living in theworst part of town.
We we decided to pack it up,uh, move out.
My mom said, you know, you cancome live with me for a couple
months while you get on yourfeet.
So three or four months withher.
We got our own place.
(04:38):
And we were really happy whenwe came out here, not just
because we were closer tofamily, but because it was a
fresh environment from Vegas.
It was very similar, you know,one desert to another.
It might be slightly hotterhere, a little bit more
family-oriented out here.
And one of the things thatimmediately started happening
(04:59):
was the reality set in about howhard I would have to work in
life, kind of from here on outfor the in indefinite future.
And I'm still in that uh rightnow, that extreme workload.
Uh, typically I have to do atleast 50 to 60 hours a week to
survive.
And maybe one or two weeks inthe middle of the month, I can
(05:21):
knock it down to 40 hours, 45hours.
But uh my first place that Igot was an apartment and it was
about $2,200 a month.
And if I was late, which I wasfor many months because it was
hard to live, you know, theywould bump up the fees to about
$2,400, $2,500 a month.
So for the first real year ofliving in Gilbert, I was paying
(05:44):
about $2,400 to $2,500 a monthin rent alone.
My car, uh, because I hadgotten into an accident with my
last car when I had good creditand I had to get a new car, uh,
they would only give me a carwith like, I think, 13 or 14%
APR.
So I'm still paying on that carnow, and it's like $472 a
(06:08):
month.
My insurance kept climbing upand up and up because insurance
is also linked to your creditscore.
So it was like this triple kickin the balls, uh, pardon my
language, from rent, uh, payingthe uh car bill, the insurance,
all these things were climbingup and up and up because of my
credit score.
(06:28):
Never mind the fact that I waslike a 750, just nearing on 800
credit score for my whole life.
None of that matters.
Overnight, if your credit scoregoes down, you're done.
And I went from no car bill,which was unfortunately
destroyed in a in a lift ride.
Um, after that car gotdestroyed, I got this car uh
(06:50):
that I'm driving now, which is aForte, it's a six-speed manual,
which I love.
You know, it's a little umlittle four-banger, it's good,
pretty good mileage.
I love manual transmissions,but I'm paying $472 a month on
this bad boy.
And the insurance, what when Iwas getting commercial
insurance, so I could dodeliveries uh for a living, like
(07:10):
DoorDash and things like that,or Uber and Lyft, the commercial
coverage for insurance was upto $370.
So all these bills were justgoing through the roof, and and
the cost of living for food andthings like that went up during
the four years, uh 20 to 24.
So it's been a big change.
And I don't say all thisbecause of woe is me, but this
(07:31):
is tying into why I wanted tostart this podcast.
And okay, so just to recap, II'd been hearing from people in
my sales uh career while itlasted.
Um, you should do you should doradio, you should do
podcasting.
Okay, thank you for thesuggestion.
You know, I have really nointerest in doing that.
What would I even talk about?
(07:52):
And then I switch over to Uberand Lyft rides, and people in
the Uber and Lyft rides aretelling me I should do it.
I'm like, okay, thank you.
You know, but again, what am Igoing to talk about?
I don't know how to do thatstuff, you know.
I've been in sales my wholelife, and now I'm not in sales.
Now I don't know what I want todo.
So I was doing Uber and Lyftand then eventually moved to um
Arizona.
Uber and Lyft didn't work outhere because the metro is just
(08:15):
too big.
So I did deliveries, which isnicer because I can stick in uh,
you know, my area, which islike Chandler-Gilbert area, you
know, the southeast part ofPhoenix.
But while I was doingdeliveries and experiencing this
um this immense pressure tosurvive and work these extreme
(08:36):
hours, because before, when Iwas doing Uber and Lyft, before
the cost of living went up, Ionly had to work about 30 hours
a week.
And the first year in Gilbertwas really rough because of the
cost of living.
And I had found myself workingmore than I had ever worked in
my life.
And like I mentioned earlier,I'm still in that boat.
But at the time, I had neverexperienced uh demand like that
before, especially a job likedeliveries.
(08:58):
I had never been in my caralone for 10 hours, 11 hours a
day, sometimes 12 hours a day.
And it got to me, you know,like it would anybody.
Uh, human beings, they say uhscience is finding that we're
most productive around 30 hoursor less a week.
40 is even pushing it, and I'msitting here doing 50 to 60
(09:20):
hours on top of being stressed,right?
Like I had never experiencedstress before, like financial
stress, where you're waking up,and some of my listeners can
relate to this right now.
And if so, this is this mightbe a good podcast for you
because I I would wake up at twoor three in the morning
thinking about rent, thinkingabout bills, and waking up
(09:43):
almost every day in the red.
Because with Uber and Lyft andGigwork, you know, in general,
you can cash out your earningson a daily basis.
So I'd find myself racing eachday to cover what was needed and
was what bills were goingthrough, and then waking up in
the red the next day and racingto get out of the red to avoid
overdraft fees.
I mean, it was a reallysickening thing.
(10:04):
Now, some people are reallyhard on themselves.
They say poverty is a mindset.
If you're poverty, if you'rebroke, it's because you're
thinking broke.
You got to think rich.
And that was a that was aproblem that I found myself in
when I was in network marketing.
And that ties into where I wasthree years ago at my ultra low
point.
And I'm gonna connect all thesedots here for you soon and you
(10:26):
know, kind of graduate uh as wemove towards the finish line
about what this podcast is aboutand uh who it's for.
And it's really gonna be foreveryone, but especially those
suffering from stress, not justfinancial stress, but all the
stresses of life, you know, fearof death, fear of being
homeless, etc.
So I found myself in asituation where I had never
(10:53):
worked this much before, and Iwas starting to really feel it.
But I forgot, let's go back fora second.
Um, when I was mentioning umthe mindset of poverty where
people, when I was in networkmarketing, especially, one of
the things that they wouldemphasize was self-help, which
which actually ironically tiesinto where I was three years ago
(11:15):
and um how I got to where I amnow and eventually starting this
podcast.
So the self-help books that Iread were really terrible for my
mental health.
They were all kind of pointingto you as if you were
responsible for all yoursuccesses and you were
responsible for all yourfailures.
So I tried like positiveaffirmations, but uh these
(11:41):
self-help books were doingmassive, massive psychological
harm to me.
They were basically telling methat if I wasn't successful, it
was it was a problem on my end,like poverty was a mindset.
And you know, there there'ssome maybe nuggets of wisdom in
that you don't want to think ofyourself as a poor person.
Like right now, I amfinancially very poor.
(12:04):
You know, like most Americans,I don't have a few hundred
dollars for an emergency.
I'm living paycheck topaycheck, you know?
And that's not because of achoice I made.
My wife and I, we barely spendmoney as is.
So how can we live almost onvapor and then blame myself on
top of it for not being, youknow, more successful, quote
unquote, whatever that means inthis country, in this economy,
(12:26):
this economic system.
So, anyways, I I read a lot ofbooks that were very harmful to
my health and um just even doingpositive affirmations, you
know, your brain's not reallybelieving them.
So the whole time you'resaying, I'm a successful person,
I'm a successful person, I'm asuccessful person, your brain's
like, yeah, right, you're afucking loser, you're a fucking
loser, you're a fucking loser.
(12:49):
And that's what your brain isdoing when whenever you try to
fight against the grain,basically, you're trying to
rewrite the program describingwho and what you are, and you
can't do that, which we're gonnaget into.
And to tie this together, I wasat a low point three years ago,
(13:10):
and um oh yes, I'm sorry, thebook first.
So I read this book, WhereverYou Go, There You Are, and it
and it started talking aboutsomething called mindfulness.
Now, when I say that wordmindfulness, all kinds of things
will pop in your head.
Oh, yeah, good way to beproductive.
Oh, yeah, good way to be betterat sales.
Oh yeah, mindfulness, good wayto be better at this, better at
that.
What can we use mindfulness forto get better at, right?
(13:32):
And there was another book Iread called The Power of the
Subconscious Mind, which waskind of, I think, also geared
for salespeople.
But there was something very,very, very interesting in the
Power of the Subconscious Mindbook that I read.
And these books, by the way, Idon't advocate for anyone.
Wherever you go, there you are.
That's a great book.
I recommend that book.
The power of your subconsciousmind, don't recommend that book.
(13:53):
Uh, but there was a nugget thatI got out of it, which you can
get much much better from otherbooks, and it was the nugget of
being present with what is,being mindful of what is.
There was a particular partwhere it said, and I'm I'm
paraphrasing the book here, butit said, like, for example, when
you are brushing your teeth,you are only brushing your
(14:14):
teeth.
You are feeling the bristles onyour teeth, you are feeling the
uh the acidic feeling from thefluoride, you know, the rinsing.
You are just completely withwhat is.
When you are walking from yourcar to your job, you are just
walking from your car to yourjob.
You are just feeling your feeton the ground, the wind on your
(14:37):
skin, whatever sensations arearising in the present moment,
that is all that you are with.
And that really hit me.
That really stuck with me.
And I didn't, I didn't realizehow much it did at the time, but
I found myself kind of curiousabout that.
I was like, wow, that actuallyfeels really good.
All the books I've read havenot made me feel this good of
just being with what is.
(14:59):
It was the just the calmingdown, just the being with what
is, looking at my mind, youknow, watching my mind, becoming
the watcher instead of the doerand the planner and the
manipulator and the striver.
I was, is that a word, striver?
The one striving.
It was really just the act ofwatching.
(15:20):
And I didn't realize it at thattime either.
But notes of it, traces of itwere just carrying with me as I
as I kept going, stumblingforward essentially.
So I get to Gilbert, and I findmyself working more than I've
ever worked, you know, back intothree years ago, my lowest
(15:42):
point.
And I I got to the point whereI was so bummed out about how
much time I had to spend workingand living in my car that I
started to get really down.
I started to get really sad.
I would start crying ondeliveries, I would start
pounding on my steering wheel.
(16:02):
Like, what is it?
What how did I get here?
You know, this uh I'm just it'slittle old me, and I just like
to have fun with my friends andspend time with my kids, and you
know, I'm I'm I'm alight-hearted fellow.
And how did I get here?
How do I get out of here?
I suddenly felt like I was a umin a in a box, or like stories
(16:24):
you hear of people who uh gottheir leg pinned in an elevator
or something, and they hadnothing they could do except
wait, wait, wait.
And I had this dark, darkthought, and it popped in my
head out of nowhere, and itsaid, I would love it if a car
(16:44):
would take me out.
I would love it if a car wouldjust collide with my car and
just take me out, or at leastyou know, cripple me so I can't
do this work anymore, and thenthe next thing will present
itself.
I was like, it can't it justcan't be this hard all the time.
(17:05):
It just can't be.
I can't do this.
You know, I didn't know what todo.
And I texted my friend, my goodfriend, who's been a he's been
a friend of mine since I was akid, and when that happened, I I
I can't even put into words,but it was like in the Sermon on
the Mount with Jesus, there'sone thing he said where it was
(17:26):
uh like blessed are those whomourn, for they shall be
comforted.
And that's where I was.
I was mourning, I was so sad,and it was this deep sadness,
deep, deep, deep.
And it's one thing to theorizeabout it or conceptualize it,
but it's another thing to reallylive it.
(17:47):
And I found myself at thebottom of the abyss, at least
for me, up until that point inmy life.
I had never experiencedanything lower, and I've
experienced plenty of low pointsin my life.
I've had plenty of bouts withdepression all the way back to
when I was a kid, just being amore sensitive, empathic, um,
intuitive.
(18:07):
I I don't know how to describemyself as a younger kid.
I was very just with what uhwhat I was I don't know how to
describe it.
I was very sensitive as a kid,I guess.
And I I I can still besensitive as an adult sometimes.
Try not to be overly sensitive,but I was very sensitive in
that moment, and I was at mylowest moment, and I gotta tell
(18:28):
you guys, it was not a goodfeeling.
It was not good.
I I just don't know how todescribe it to you.
I wish I could.
You can see me kind ofstruggling and flailing here to
describe it, but I think I thinkI've said enough on it.
And in that moment, it was likesomething opened.
(18:49):
And it it it allowed me to openup, essentially.
I I opened.
It was like a flower that waslike yearning for the sun, and
as soon as the sun hit it, likethe petals opened up, right?
So there I was working my 50 to60 hours a week, and somehow,
somehow, I had started uhlistening to other thinkers,
(19:12):
other philosophers, otherspiritual people.
Because I was really on asearch.
I was like, what's what is themeaning of all this?
What's the purpose of all this?
Why am I here?
How did I get to this placewhere I'm working so goddamn
much?
You know, I was like, part ofme was getting frustrated, even.
So I opened and I startedlistening to other thinkers,
(19:35):
thinkers of the east, thinkersof the west.
You know, I started going to umlike home church groups in um
in Gilbert, met a lot of goodpeople there, and just really
kind of like lifting the hood onmy philosophy on life and my
spirituality, and what do Ibelieve?
Where am I?
What what is all this, youknow?
(19:57):
And I found something, orbetter, better described, I I
would I would suppose I shouldsay something found me.
I know some people might wincewhen they hear that, other
people might say, Yeah, ofcourse, but I don't know how
else to tell you.
Something happened, somethingfound me, and everything started
(20:21):
to really, really click.
And I started driving my usual50 to 60 hours, but I was
completely with it, I was onboard with it, and you know,
long story short, three yearslater, I am in one of the
happiest places of my lifeinternally.
(20:44):
You know, in Christianity, theymight describe it as the peace
that surpasses allunderstanding, and that word
understanding in Greek is alsounderstood as comprehension or
mind.
So a peace that surpasses allmind, all comprehension, all
logic.
I would say I'm experiencingthat right now.
(21:05):
You can call it the peace ofChrist, the peace of Buddha, the
peace of doubt, whatever wordyou want to insert into this
calm and good feeling I haveinside right now.
I I found it, or it found me.
And tying this together, that'swhy I felt compelled to want to
do this podcast.
And it didn't come about sosimple, actually.
(21:27):
It was basically about a yearin to me really ceasing my going
against the grain and goingwith what is, that I said to
myself, or God, I said, Well,I've got a lot of space inside
me now.
Uh I'm feeling much better.
(21:47):
I'm much in a much happierplace than I was before, that's
for sure.
Much happier than probably I'veever been.
And yet I'm still working 50 to60 hours a week.
So, okay, God, okay, universe.
What do you want me to do?
I have space in me, I haveenergy in me, I have, you know,
(22:08):
enthusiasm.
What what do you where do youwant me to take this?
I don't know what to do.
I'm not going back to sales,and I can't stay in gig work for
the rest of my life.
So what do you want me to do?
And I didn't ask it in a whatdo you want from me?
You know, what do you want meto do?
Type type ask.
I was like, okay, what next?
(22:28):
What do you want from me?
You know, what what would youlike me to do?
Please guide my steps.
And I and to be honest, I was alittle emotional at the time.
I was kind of like happy, butalso sad.
Like, okay, what's the nextthing?
And and inside of me is alsothat desire to find something
that I can do that will supportmy family and allow me to do
(22:50):
what I love.
So I am on this delivery whileI'm asking these questions,
delivering some alcohol on aDoorDash order.
And I drop the alcohol off, Iget the signature from the lady
because you got to show your ID,and I'm leaving.
And um, you know, a coupleminutes driving away from the
lady's house, and with DoorDash,you can text your driver after
(23:12):
you've dropped something off.
So she texts me and she says,Hey, uh, this might be out of
place, but have you ever thoughtabout doing a podcast?
You have a very beautifulvoice, something to that effect,
and she's like, I just wantedto put that out there for you.
Now I was cr literally cryingout to you can call him, her, it
(23:36):
god, infinite intelligence,whatever word you have for what
this all is, I was crying out tothat on the way to her house.
On the way out, I got amessage.
Have you ever thought aboutdoing the podcast?
Now I've heard that many timesbefore, like I told you guys,
(23:57):
the passengers, people in mysales, you know, and I it's
danced on my mind and I havedabbled in it, but I had never
had somebody um kind of directlytell me to do it as a
suggestion immediately after Iwas like literally crying uh,
you know, about what to do withmy life.
(24:19):
And it would be at least ayear, year and a half after that
before I finally sat down andrecorded this episode.
And I had recorded severalepisodes before this, but I was
never happy with them.
I because this space that I'venow found in myself that I want
to share with other people isnot like a teacher-student
(24:39):
relationship type thing.
And I just wanted to share orstart a podcast to share things
that have really inspired meover the last three years that I
want to share because I havebeen on fire for the last three
years.
Like when I tell you I was atmy lowest place and it opened me
(25:01):
up, and I started listening tophilosophers and other thinkers,
I don't mean that in a casualway.
I mean I was literally dousedin gasoline and somebody threw a
match on me and I'm screamingin flames right now, always like
on fire for this shit.
Excuse my language.
But I literally eat, sleep, anddrink uh the study of the mind,
(25:25):
of philosophy, of religion,various religions, spiritual
practices, and I'm studying allof them, not with the intent of
proving one correct or the otherwrong.
I am more interested in whatcommon themes they all share.
And I will tell you this withabsolute sincerity: that I have
(25:48):
learned that all of thespiritual paths do say the same
thing in various ways.
And that is going to be one ofthe major themes of this show is
what is the juice and thenectar that they're all bringing
to the table that has beenperhaps misrepresented,
(26:10):
misunderstood, misarticulated,maybe weaponized.
There is a lot of stuff thathas come with these teachings.
Because the people that bringthese teachings to us, they do
it in a fresh and spontaneousway.
You know, to use the words ofJesus, let not your left hand
(26:32):
know what your right hand doeth.
You know, he just acted out ofhis center, his if you will, his
empty space inside, hisemptiness, as the Buddhists like
to say, which Westerners winceat when they hear emptiness, but
it's not it's not like a i i ifyou're a western listening to
this and you hear emptiness andyou wince, don't worry.
(26:53):
It's not like you think.
It's the most beautiful thingever.
And it's the same thing thatJesus taught and that all these
thinkers taught.
But what happens after theseteachers are teach is that
people fall madly in love withthem and they start to build up
beautiful uh surroundinggarments and um ramparts and oh,
(27:20):
what's the word?
Um I mean, you've seen the thechurches and cathedrals that
have been built built throughthe millennia, you know.
I mean, the it it's a seriousthing because they're talking
about your source, where youcome from, what you are, because
you are not a little separatething from this whole universe.
(27:43):
You are actually a distinctpart of it, you're not a
separate part of it.
Just as say an ocean has waves,the wave in the ocean is not
separate from the ocean.
When you look at a wave, youdon't go, oh, that's a wave, and
then there's the ocean kind ofunderneath the wave.
(28:03):
You are exactly like that.
You cannot be separated fromthis whole thing that we call
life or the universe.
And when you really understandthat and you go deep down into
it, uh it changes you in aprofound way, and it it goes
beyond understanding it becausethere may be people listening to
(28:27):
this who hear what I'm sayingand it rings a bell of truth
inside of you automatically.
You just you just know it'strue, and it feels good to hear
someone say it and you and yousay, Yeah, that that that's
that's it, man.
Yeah.
It's one thing to get it likethat on a conceptual level, but
(28:48):
it's another thing when youstart living it on a
moment-to-moment-to-momentbasis.
And that is what trust is allabout.
Because if I tell you whileyou're listening to this
podcast, I want you to listen tothe words that are coming out
of my mouth, but not try to makesense of them.
(29:08):
Let your brain do that.
It happens automatically.
You don't have to try to makeit happen.
If you're in your car, I wantyou to feel the seat underneath
you.
I want you to feel what doesthe steering wheel feel like.
And don't describe it in words,because words are slow and
(29:30):
clunky.
It's like looking at binarycode instead of looking at what
the code actually is asrepresented on your computer
screen after it's been processedby your CBU.
I want you to just feeldirectly a direct experience
with what is.
Maybe you are outside runningor walking and you're feeling
(29:54):
the morning air on your face,and you hear the birds singing.
Whatever that is, Be with thatcompletely.
The first thing that you'regoing to notice as you start to
practice this is that your mindis going to start tugging you
back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
(30:14):
Okay, your seat, that's greatand all.
Your steering wheel, that feelsgood and all, but we better
start thinking here.
We better start thinking aboutthat bill.
We better start thinking aboutwhat we're going to say to the
boss, why the project's not doneyet, this, that, and the other.
The brain is going to fight youto come back up.
Now, this is not to say thatthinking is a bad thing that you
(30:38):
should not do and you shouldavoid at all costs.
I'm not saying that at all.
In fact, when thoughts do come,it's important that you be with
those as well, because thoseyou could call your sixth sense.
You've got your five regularsenses, which is sight, what you
can see, sounds, what you canhear, taste, obviously, what you
(31:00):
put in your mouth, your tongue,your taste buds, smell, and of
course, touch, tactilesensation.
And of course, the sixth one wecould say are mental
projections or images or mindactivity.
Those are the only six thingsthat are ever at any time
happening in your life.
At any time.
It's like uh guitar hero, ifyou if you've ever played that
(31:23):
game, they got the six notes onthe bottom, I think it's six
notes, and they just play littlemelodies.
Well, that's exactly what yourlife is.
And it's not to reduce it, butit's to look at it.
The way you as a human interactwith life is through the six
sense spheres.
The five in the material worldand the six you could say is in
(31:43):
the mind, but they are sixthings coming at you.
So when I say feel the seatbeneath you wherever you're
sitting, or the your feet ifyou're walking, or the steering
wheel if you're in your car, orthe sounds coming to your ears
right now from me, to be withthose completely.
And if on occasion a thoughtcomes, which it definitely will,
(32:05):
not just on occasion, butconstantly, relentlessly, to be
with the thought as well.
See, thoughts are not a badthing, but thoughts that you are
not aware of, ooh, now there'swhere we get into trouble.
Your thoughts are not you.
Your thoughts think themselves,they happen of their own
(32:26):
accord.
Unless you are completely withthem, you are lost.
And to be in the moment withwhat is takes a trust.
In fact, it is the ultimateform of trust to be with what is
because try it.
You'll see very quickly thebrain, even before you start
(32:47):
thinking, you'll start to noticethe pull.
Oh, I'm about to think.
Ooh, and then there's athought, and it'll take you
away.
And without even realizing it,you've gotten on a bus and you
don't know where it's takingyou.
It could be how many times haveyou had a thought of somebody
confronting you just randomly?
Like you're about to go intoStarbucks, and then your brain
(33:09):
says, Oh, what if this guy cutsme in line?
Or uh, you know, this persondoes this to me, I'm gonna, I'm
gonna say this back to him, andthen he might do this, and then
I'll say, Oh, I'm gonna have myresponse planned for him, I'm
gonna say this.
And before you know it, you'reoff to the races with this whole
conflict that you're playingout in your mind.
Or worse, what if a thoughtpops into your head that says,
(33:30):
I'm a loser, I'm a nobody,nobody cares about me?
Do I even really care aboutanyone else?
You see, these thoughts happenof themselves.
They think themselves, and thenyou identify with the thought,
and you say, Yeah, that thatthought, that's me.
I'm not asking you to changeyour thoughts, I'm not asking
(33:54):
you to stop your thoughts, I'msimply asking you to to notice
them.
And the more you practice, themore you'll notice them.
And the more you notice things,the more that your life starts
to change.
And you'll notice in all thespiritual traditions the
emphasis is on letting go.
(34:18):
It's on relaxing, it's uh it'son ceasing your striving to be
with completely with what is.
Buddhism, for example, theBuddha, Buddha means one who is
(34:38):
awake.
So Buddhism is is an ism aboutawakefulness.
And you'll notice that's whatJesus taught too.
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesussaid, This I say to you, I say
to all.
Stay awake.
The title of the podcast isStanding Nowhere, and that is a
(35:01):
metaphor for standing on aconcept.
If you are standing on anyconcept, you are lost because
all concepts ultimately fallutterly short of describing
reality.
Reality is and you can't givethat a name.
Reality is and you can't namethat.
(35:28):
You can say clap, clap, clap,but that's not.
Do you see how completelydifferent they are?
So any concept you have in yourskull about what's going on
ultimately is false and willfail you and will not keep you
warm at night.
(35:48):
So the ultimate form of trust,which is another word of faith
for faith, is to trust exactlywhat you see, hear, smell,
taste, touch, or think rightnow, that is the only truth
there is, and that is the onlything you can trust.
(36:10):
But I'm here to say that youcan trust that.
So if me, if me telling youthat somehow you're still
holding on in the back of yourmind that can I trust it though?
Can I do I really know what'sgonna happen to me after yes.
You can trust it.
After all, you are it.
(36:31):
You came out of it and you havefun coming out of it and going
back to it, coming out of it andgoing back to it.
Up and down.
Everything is undulating inthis universe.
Out of the silence comes sound,comes light, comes life.
(36:52):
Anyways, I hope you guysenjoyed this first episode, and
rest assured, this is going tobe the most different episode,
probably of the entire bunch.
It was just a little bit of abackground on me, a little bit
in my headspace, where Istarted, where I'm at now, and
just a little taste before weclose.
(37:12):
I will be deep diving into allkinds of things that I think um
you will find interesting, ormaybe not.
Some people are not ready tohear these things yet.
You know, the translation ofthe word repent in old Hebrew is
to turn back.
And I think that relates towhen we're born, we go out into
the world, we get obsessed withthe material things, all the
(37:34):
shiny dancing things in theworld.
And it's not like they're badthings or that we have to shun
them, but at a certain point youfind that they do not fulfill
you at all in any way, onlytemporarily, and then you're on
to the next thing.
How many times do you see junkpiles outside of people's houses
on trash collect you know, junkdays, big bulk days for trash
(37:55):
and people in neighborhoods,just hordes of junk.
In the West, we're justconverting as much material into
junk as fast as possible, andnone of it fulfills.
It's like the end of that movieWALL-E, the whole planet's full
of junk, right?
Now I'm not I'm not puttingdown material things, but I am
telling you, if you have notfigured it out yet, they will
(38:17):
absolutely never bring youlasting joy and happiness.
And you'll find out there's adifference between joy and
pleasure.
Between happiness and pleasure.
It doesn't mean that you haveto be an ascetic monk and r
renounce everything, but youmight want to loosen your grip
on it a little bit and standnowhere.
(38:38):
Be with what is for those whohave ears to hear, hear.
Basically, if you're ready tohear this message, this podcast
will find you when it's supposedto.
And it's a work in progress.
I'm learning about these thingsmyself, but I am without
question on fire for it.
(38:58):
I think part of the reason I'vedelayed this podcast is to see
if my interest would wane.
How many times have I gotteninterested in something in my
life only to abandon it uh outof lack of interest?
But here I am, three yearslater, still digesting and
reading as much material on thestuff as I can.
It it very much interests me.
And it in a way that I want torelay it to other people because
(39:22):
there are practices you can do.
You can call them spiritual, oryou can just call them
practices.
The word spirit simply meansbreath.
So take for that what you know,take from that what you will,
but we're going to be talkingabout all kinds of things.
I'll be interviewing peopleeventually, ideally, uh great
thinkers like this, becausethere is infinite space inside
(39:43):
of you, infinite peace, infinitejoy, infinite bliss, and all
you have to do is look within,to turn back and look within,
which is the actual originaldefinition of the word repent.
Another word that's beenco-opted by modern
interpretation to mean feelguilty about.
Oh, you should repent.
You should repent.
You a bad boy.
You gotta repent.
(40:04):
No.
It means to come back home tolook inside of you.
You've looked everywhereoutside.
Now let's look inside, and youmight just find that you are
really part of the whole thing.
And that what you thought was abad event in your life might
actually be a blessing.
I'll end on a parable.
(40:24):
And then we can go our separateways.
And I'm I'm gonna be recordinga couple more episodes, but this
will be my first episode on mybirthday here, turning 42.
I'm in my seventh cycle of myseven-year cycles here.
So uh here's the parable.
A farmer and the neighbor.
So the farmer wakes up and goesoutside to find his horse, one
(40:46):
of his best horses, has runaway.
The neighbor, uh, looking oversays, I'm sorry, brother, that's
that's really too bad.
And the farmer says, Maybe.
The next day he awakens to findthat the horse has returned and
it has another horse with it.
The neighbor, seeing this,said, Brother, that's wonderful.
Congrats.
(41:07):
And the farmer says, Maybe.
Later that day, the farmer'sson is trying to tame the new
wild horse that the other horsebrought home.
The horse bucks him off and hebreaks his leg.
The neighbor says, That'sterrible.
And the farmer says, Maybe.
(41:27):
The following morning, the armyis going through his territory
conscripting young soldiers, butthey can't recruit his son
because his leg is broken.
The neighbor says, That'swonderful.
The farmer says, Maybe.
So with that, I'll leave youguys.
(41:50):
Don't judge a book by itscover.
Your life might seem like amess right now, but maybe it's a
perfect mess, just like it wasfor me, the perfect mess to
bring you inside to find somedeep lasting peace that you
didn't know was there.
Anyways, this has been theStanding Nowhere Podcast episode
(42:10):
one.
I am your host, Jacob, and I'msigning out.
Please like and subscribe anddo all the things that you're
supposed to do that I don't knowwhat I'm supposed to say to get
you to come back.
I had to do it.
I kept I kept this episodeprocrastinating long enough, and
I finally did it.
And you know what?
This episode is not perfect.
There's probably some lungparts.
There's probably a lot ofpeople who tuned out halfway,
(42:30):
but I did it, gosh darn it.
And I'm gonna try to get betterat it for you guys and for
myself, and uh see if I can makethis into a full-time gig for
me, or at least a passion oflove on the side.
And either way, I am okay, andI will be okay, even if I have
to work 55, 60 hours a week forthe rest of my life.
That's okay.
(42:51):
I'm happy, very happy, and Ilove you guys and blessings.
Music (42:58):
This voice my feel like the stuff from standing now for
a while.
No heroes, no headlines, nopromises, just a whisper that
(43:24):
won't be afraid, stand downnowhere feels like home.
No facts to wave no need towrong.
(43:45):
Silence speaks louder than morebecause I've never felt so
anxious.
The clock's always in theheavens stop walking just yes,
(44:35):
stand in no wise and free.
No chains, no name, no dishwise to hear nothing.
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