Unburned — Diane Buehler on Abuse, Faith, Motherhood

One afternoon in California, Diane Buehler quietly buckled her four young children into the car and left home for good—fleeing ten years of domestic abuse. In this special episode (the first with a guest on Standing Nowhere), host Jacob sits down with his mother, Diane, to hear how she not only survived those violent years but went on to raise five kids alone with unshakeable faith.

Picture Diane as a young mother standing over a crib in the dark, one gentle hand resting on her sleeping baby’s head as she whispers, “Dear God, please watch them throughout their lives.” That humble nighttime prayer sustained her through chaos and pain. From simple childhood memories of ice-skating on frozen ponds and showing pigs at county fairs, to long days of work and worry as a single mom, Diane learned to find a quiet strength in the everyday moments of grace.

Together, Diane and Jacob explore the hard-won lessons of her journey — resilience in the face of fear, the power of a mother’s love, the decision to finally walk away from abuse, and the deep well of forgiveness that awaited on the other side. She speaks candidly about the years it took to rebuild: nights of tears and doubt, welfare lines and thrift store bargains, and the bold leap of faith that led her to earn a master’s degree while raising four kids on her own.

Yet even more inspiring is what came after survival: the healing. Today, Diane can honestly say she forgives the very man who hurt her. In her words, “some things look hopeless, but it’s not hopeless. You must beg God to hear your prayer. And he does hear it.” Through all the flames she walked through, she kept a spirit of compassion alive — a testament to grace that challenges and uplifts everyone listening.

This heartfelt conversation ends with a special scripture blessing from the Book of Isaiah: “When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Those ancient words echo through Diane’s life story, reminding us that even in our darkest trials we are never alone. In the end, Diane Buehler’s journey shines with a simple promise: no matter how fierce the fire, love and faith will carry us through.

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Episode Transcript

Jacob (00:00):
Hello everyone and welcome back to the Standing
Nowhere podcast.
This is your host Jacob.
Today is a very specialepisode, number 12.
Very special because it is thefirst time I have a guest on the
show.
And the guest is somebody verydear to my heart.
It is none other than mymother, Diane Buehler.

(00:23):
And she's going to share withyou some stories and adventures
of her life.
through her childhood and adultyears.
I won't give the show away, butthere are some intense stories
that I want to give you a headsup for.
She shares how she survivedabuse, raising five children all

(00:47):
by herself, and how she foundstrength in her faith to get her
through it all.
and keep her going to this day.
It's a very powerful and honestconversation about life with
all of the ups and downs.
And also at the end, Idedicated a special scripture

(01:09):
reading just for her.
So let's get into it.
Here we are.

Diane (01:27):
Hello.

Jacob (01:29):
This is exciting.

Diane (01:30):
Hello.

Jacob (01:31):
All right.
This is my twelfth episode

Diane (02:04):
And we ended up...
My mom and dad had fivechildren.
I was number two.

Jacob (02:14):
Sorry to interrupt.
You were born in San Diego?

Diane (02:15):
Yeah, California.

Jacob (02:17):
Oh, I didn't know that.

Diane (02:19):
What?
Whatever.
So

Jacob (02:22):
I'm cutting into...
I got my sense of humor from mymother.
I thought you grew up inIndiana.
Or have you not got to thatpart of the story?

Diane (02:31):
I haven't gotten there

Jacob (02:32):
yet.
Oh, okay.
See, I'm jumping

Diane (02:33):
in.
Okay, take it away.
Yeah, yeah, just don'tinterrupt me,

Jacob (02:37):
okay?
I won't interrupt.

Diane (02:38):
Okay.
No, you can anytime.
Yeah, so I was born in SanDiego.
I think we moved to Nebraskafor about six months when I was
five.
And then we ended up going toIndiana.
My dad bought five acres for$17,000.
And that just ages me, I know.
But it was a good deal then.

(03:00):
And he worked at Notre DameUniversity.

Jacob (03:03):
What did he do there?

Diane (03:04):
And he was like an assistant professor.
What

Jacob (03:07):
did he teach?

Diane (03:08):
He worked with the computers and the computers were
the size of a whole one or twobedroom house.
Back then he took us on a tour.
And also the advantages werethat he dropped us off every
weekend to ice skate.
So that was fun.
So he

Jacob (03:28):
would drop you off and then go teach?

Diane (03:30):
Well, I don't know what he was doing.
And then the back of the fiveacres was like a field.
And of course we had...
a couple of horses and pigs andstuff.
You

Jacob (03:41):
had a horse too, right?
If I remember.

Diane (03:43):
Well, technically my sister, but she didn't ride it.
So I got to ride the horse allthe time.
And we were like in the horseshows.
The

Jacob (03:53):
4-H fairs.

Diane (03:54):
You told me about those.
Yeah, 4-H fairs.
And we had pigs.
We entered them in the 4-Hfair.
And of course we came out, wenamed them Pork Chops and
something else.
And then we won second place.
And then my dad made us eat thepigs.
And he said, that's just whatyou do.

Jacob (04:11):
So wait a minute.
You raise these pigs.
They win second place at afair.
So you love them.
You care for them.
And then he made you eat them.

Diane (04:19):
Yes.
I remember being at the dinnertable eating my pig and hot
dogs, pork chops and everything.
What was that like?
It was something he told usthat we just do.
We raised him and we were in acompetition at the 4-H fair and
won the the awards we trainedthem with a cane by their neck

(04:41):
and the the curvy part of a caneyou can train a pig to walk
where you want it to

Jacob (04:47):
keep it in a straight

Diane (04:48):
line yeah and we would ride it you know

Jacob (04:50):
i still can't get over the fact that you ate your own
pigs like of course he saysthat's just life but like what
was in your mind how old wereyou when you did this um maybe
12 so you're 12 years old eatingyour own beloved pig what was
the feeling like i mean that's

Diane (05:05):
it's like just what he We complained a little bit about
it, but he just acted like itwas normal.
And we also had a steer.
We had that steer.
We butchered it and ate it, butwe didn't eat the horses.

Jacob (05:22):
Right.
That's good.
I remember you had a name forone of your horses.

Diane (05:26):
April was my horse.
And then, well, it wastechnically my sister's to ride.
And then we had a pony namedPrincess and a colt.
And I forget the name.
A star.
Star.

Jacob (05:39):
Wow.
Okay.

Diane (05:40):
And we didn't train Star.
I

Jacob (05:43):
remember you told me once that your horse was running
really quick one day and justout of the blue.
It stopped dead.

Diane (05:49):
She always did that.
Really?
She always did that.
And I just got back on and keptriding.
But you

Jacob (05:56):
would fly off, basically.

Diane (05:57):
Yes.
Yes.
And I would get back on andthen I would walk her.
So she didn't try it.
She would try it againsometimes.
And half of the five acres wasthe woods, so she would also
take off with me.
And I had no control.
She just went straight back tothe barn.
I had to duck my head and getback in.

(06:19):
So we were brought up kind oftough kids.
It wasn't really a farm.
It was just a lot of animalsand garden.
Did you ever milk

Jacob (06:31):
cows?

Diane (06:32):
I did from a neighbor.
We did milk a cow, but itwasn't on a regular basis.
And so it was fun times and I'dmeet up with my friends and
we'd ride together out in thewoods somewhere.
That's

Jacob (06:47):
amazing.
What a different childhood thantoday.
I mean, even from my childhood,that's...

Diane (06:52):
I know I felt bad raising you in the city and we started
out in Spokane when I had mykids, but...

Jacob (07:01):
California,

Diane (07:02):
even before.
Then we were in Indiana andthen when I was 14, my dad moved
us to California, back toCalifornia.
Thousand Oaks, California.
He bought a good house with apool in a good neighborhood.
We went to high school there,and that's when I started
rebelling and everything.

Jacob (07:20):
Started rebelling?
Yeah.
Okay, so I want to talk aboutthat because this is like your
teenage years that you aretransitioning into here, like
high school when you're back inCalifornia.
And when you say rebelling,what exactly did that look like?

Diane (07:38):
You take life chances.
I'm surprised I'm alive.
And back then, we'd hitchhike,pick up hitchhikers, go party
with them, and all kinds ofthings you probably still don't
know, Jake.

Jacob (07:52):
That's what we're here for.
I'm going to listen.
I'm going to reflect back onthis.

Diane (07:57):
I guess my dad taught us a lot of independence.
And so because of those fiveacres in Indiana, he taught us
to be competitive with 4-H Fair,we had to keep records of all
the animals and when we fed themand stuff.
And then we moved to Californiaand they were so busy that a

(08:18):
lot of times, I would just lieto my parents and go where I
wanted.

Jacob (08:21):
And that's when he was teaching?

Diane (08:22):
No, he got a new job in California where he worked with
a bigger company.

Jacob (08:28):
He was into computers like when they first started.
Like you said, they were likethe size of rooms.

Diane (08:32):
Yes.

Jacob (08:33):
And what did your mom do?

Diane (08:35):
She would stay at home.

Jacob (08:36):
Stay at home?

Diane (08:36):
And she went to nursing school when we were in Indiana,
but she really never workeduntil we got to California.
And once she decided to divorcemy dad, that's when she worked
for maybe a couple months.

Jacob (08:50):
Oh, okay.
So I remember you telling methat you moved out kind of young
and it wasn't exactly the mostpleasant experience when you
moved out.
I think you said you were 19?
17.
Oh, you were 17.
Can you talk about what led upto that and what that was like
when when you first moved out,and that 17 is young to move
out.

Diane (09:11):
Well, because I was rebelling, I met a boyfriend
when I was 15.
He was like a fatal attraction.
But in the meantime, my parentsare not getting along, and so
she decides to leave him.
My dad's devastated.
I'm saying, well, at leastthere's no more fighting in the
house.

(09:31):
A lot of yelling.

Jacob (09:33):
So you were 17 when your parents decided to split,
basically.

Diane (09:36):
Yes, and then I moved out.
Because my mom took off with aman she had met.

Jacob (09:42):
And you didn't like him?

Diane (09:44):
I didn't even know him.
He picked me up from school oneday.

Jacob (09:47):
But she just decided to leave.

Diane (09:49):
She just decided to leave my dad.
And within a few months, shehad a boyfriend.
She ended up marrying him andwas married to him for 17 years.
Oh,

Jacob (10:04):
Grandpa Phil.

Diane (10:05):
Yes.
Okay.
And she ended up...
I ended up getting a divorcetoo, but when she left my dad,
nobody was watching.
Nobody.
Everybody was busy.

Jacob (10:16):
He was busy at work.
What was that?

Diane (10:19):
They were too traumatized by the divorce that I just
really got my freedom.
I

Jacob (10:23):
was going to ask, what was that like?
You're the second oldest offive siblings, three girls, two
guys.
I'm sorry, three sisters andtwo brothers.
And 17 years old, what wasgoing through the mind of all
five of you when...
They split.
I mean, that had to beearth-shaking news, right?

Diane (10:42):
Well, she left us to go to Arizona with the guy.

Jacob (10:45):
How quickly are we talking?

Diane (10:46):
Left all five kids in a two-bedroom condo with my dad.

Jacob (10:50):
Really?

Diane (10:51):
Because they had sold the house because of the divorce.
And this all happened within afew months.
And so I said, Dad, I'm goingto go live with someone else.
There were two guys.
Sandy took off, my oldestsister, and she took off and
lived with some people there.
Then he had the three kidsthere.

Jacob (11:10):
The younger ones.
Laura and your brother Mike andBilly.

Diane (11:13):
Yeah.

Jacob (11:14):
And I'm just trying to like put myself in your shoes at
this time.
So the announcement comes andhow quickly is your mom just
overnight?

Diane (11:26):
She's gone.
Yeah, I think he was living ina motel room.
They sold the house.
They broke up in my senior yearof high school, and she was
already in Arizona with the newguy by the time I graduated.
Wow.

Jacob (11:45):
It was hard on you and Sandy, the older two, but I'm
sure the younger three werepretty devastated.

Diane (11:50):
Yeah, there was just no more fighting, though, so there
was a good side to it.

Jacob (11:57):
Bittersweet.

Diane (11:58):
Yes, yes.
And my dad was devastated, butmy mom moved on and she met the
new guy.
And he ended up being in ourlives for 17 years.
He was a very strong rolemodel, actually.
But we stayed in California fora little while.
And you're

Jacob (12:16):
talking about Grandpa Phil being the strong role
model?
Yeah.
So you loved him as well.
And I know you absolutely lovedyour, you loved both your
parents, but I know youespecially loved your dad.
He was very close to you.

Diane (12:25):
Yeah.

Jacob (12:26):
Very supportive of you.

Diane (12:28):
Uh-huh.

Jacob (12:28):
So, man, it's crazy that I'm learning all this in detail
now for the first

Diane (12:35):
time.

Jacob (12:36):
I wish I had been more curious

Diane (12:37):
before.
Yes, because you really need toknow about family history,
really.
It's really good to know aboutgrandmas, grandpas,
great-grandmas, grandpas.
Because the one half, my momwas all Italian.
And she had a coldness to her.

Jacob (12:57):
Your grandma?

Diane (12:57):
My grandma.
My mom.

Jacob (12:59):
Oh, your

Diane (13:00):
mom.
And my grandma was cold to mymom.
My mom wasn't really one to sitdown and teach us things or
talk to us.
And so when they say if you'reemotionally unavailable for your
kids, it has a devastatingeffect, but you don't know it
until your kids are grown.

Jacob (13:20):
It's like a subconscious thing.

Diane (13:22):
Well, you don't know how you're being.
My mom only knew what she knew.
She didn't know.
how to probably be warm andunconditional in her love.
In fact, she said later on,there's no such thing as
unconditional love.
I

Jacob (13:39):
want to know, did you have any feelings of resentment
towards her in all of this?

Diane (13:45):
Oh, yeah.

Jacob (13:46):
Because it seems like you have a good relationship,
though.
No, I was

Diane (13:48):
not close to my mom.

Jacob (13:51):
Really?

Diane (13:51):
Yeah.
She's thrown me out of thehouse more times than account
when I used to go visit her fromfar away so it was only because
I disagreed with her orsomething and she said I'm not
going to put up with this andshe threw my clothes out and I
called somebody to come get meand there was no yelling either

(14:12):
it was just she was straight tothe got mad at something I said
or disagreed with or something Idon't know

Jacob (14:20):
wow

Diane (14:22):
so nobody really believed me until they saw it for
themselves my siblings know butBut we don't, you know, she's
passed.

Jacob (14:31):
Yeah, I remember the final years with her were not
easy.
You were there for her quite abit, but it was not an easy
passing, right?

Diane (14:39):
Yeah.
She had pancreatic cancer andit was hard because her husband,
her third husband had dementia.
And so here she's dying.
She's walking around though.
She's just getting weaker andhe's finally not being able to
find the bathroom in the house.
So it was the three girls, meand my two sisters, and we were

(15:03):
trying to hustle and take careof them and stuff.

Jacob (15:06):
Okay.
Well, let me, let me ask youabout the, the years where you
transitioned out of the housebecause I think that when I
think of the memories thatyou've told me about that to me
strikes me as a really excitingtime in your life like you were
on your own you said you movedout with two guys you said dad
I'm just going to move out thenSandy moved out so it was just

(15:26):
your three youngest but can youtalk about how that transitioned
into your college years yourinitial aspirations to be I
think you were wanting to getinto broadcasting or the news
and then you also mentioned youyou were an actress as well, or
an actor in Lambs Players, thetraveling actors.
So can you talk about kind oflike, okay, you leave the house,

(15:48):
and how does this transitioninto those kind of crazy years?

Diane (15:52):
Well, those two guys were just friends.
Actually, I didn't know themvery well, but I slept on the
couch, and it was just a roughover my head.
Then my mom comes back intotown.
She had just turned aChristian.

Jacob (16:09):
Okay.

Diane (16:10):
She asked me and my younger sister to go to Arizona
with her, and I'm thinking, thislady's lost her.
So she

Jacob (16:19):
comes back, says she's found God.

Diane (16:20):
Yeah.
Yes.
And she asked us to go backwith her.
So we went back with her, and Iwas living with my dad in a
house at that time.
He got more settled, and I paidhim rent, I worked as a
waitress, but she I go back withher and I'm working at like a

Jacob (16:44):
Dairy Queen was it

Diane (16:45):
oh that was when I was 15 oh

Jacob (16:47):
okay

Diane (16:47):
and the guy kept following me into the cooler
room before there

Jacob (16:51):
was human

Diane (16:51):
resources before there was any laws about sexual you

Jacob (16:55):
told me about that he cornered you in the freezer

Diane (16:57):
yes and then I yeah so there's more stories but

Jacob (17:01):
so so you moved out you came back after your mom came
back and lived with her and

Diane (17:06):
I was in Arizona living with her is

Jacob (17:08):
this when you found your faith

Diane (17:10):
and And so I was there for a little bit, but she had
two missionaries spend thenight, and we went to church
with them.
They were really nice, but Iwas in her guest bedroom by
myself, and I asked for the trueGod to come into my life,
because I was studying ZenBuddhism.
Really?

(17:35):
sleeping with my karateinstructor who I was 18 and he
was 36.
We

Jacob (17:45):
need to make a biopic for you.

Diane (17:47):
Oh my gosh.
And so that's before she askedme to come out to Arizona.
So I told him, hey, I'mleaving.
And I was just a kid.
I was 18, you know, but he's...

Jacob (17:57):
You had your green belt, I think is what you...

Diane (17:59):
Almost, because it took me a year to get to the green
belt stage, but I moved.

Jacob (18:05):
So you left and came back home and then your mom says,
come to church with me.

Diane (18:09):
Yeah.
No.
Well, yeah, but she kepttalking about God on the way to
Arizona, and I finally talked tohim.
I talked to God in her sparebedroom because I was learning
about Zen Buddhism from mykarate teacher and stuff like
that.
But I asked for the true God tocome into my life.

Jacob (18:31):
You told me this story, but I want to hear you say it
again just so I remember all thedetails.
You were by yourself in theroom.

Diane (18:36):
Yes.

Jacob (18:37):
And I don't know if it was a dream or a

Diane (18:39):
vision.
No, it was...
I was wide awake.
Okay, and what happened?
But I was laying down and Ireached my hands into the air
while I was laying down.
I said, true God, please comeinto my life.
And so then I closed my arms tomy chest and I felt this, and
this sounds really weird, but Ifelt this sweeping from my feet

(19:02):
all the way up through my eyesand it was almost like demonic
stuff.
And that's freaky to tellpeople.
No, I've heard

Jacob (19:09):
it described that

Diane (19:09):
way before.
I'm not a charismatic person.
I don't get into all thathealing, even though it could
be.
And so I go, you know what?
I'm just going to trust this,that this was God.
And so I didn't tell anybodyfor a couple weeks.
But then I gave my testimonytwo weeks later at her church,
and that's when I toldeverybody.

Jacob (19:33):
Was that a big paradigm shift for you after this
experience?
What was your daily...

Diane (19:38):
No, because I didn't know how to be a Christian, and I
didn't know how to be like thosepeople in church.
I was a jeans girl.
I was rough around the edges.
And I'd go to church, and I'dsee these girls dressed up, and
I'm going, God, I can't be likethem.
I don't know how to be girlygirl.

(19:58):
And so I just went in my jeansand stuff and met some
Christians and stuff.

Jacob (20:07):
Sounds like you're saying, I don't know how to be
phony, like you wanted to beyourself.
Well,

Diane (20:10):
I'm sure in their own way they're real, and they're
sincere.

Jacob (20:13):
I'm not calling them phony, but you know how it is.
Sometimes there's that imagethat we try to uphold at church,
that I'm a good Christian.

Diane (20:20):
Yeah.
But I never, never, till thisday, back down on my faith and
that Jesus Christ is the Son ofGod.
Never will I do that, becauseit's been too many miracles
happening in my life.
Although I I lived most of mylife as what they call a

(20:42):
lukewarm Christian.

Jacob (20:45):
Backsliding.

Diane (20:46):
Well, I don't know if I was ever really fully.
So I told God, I just don'tknow how to be like them.
So I went back to Californiaand lived in San Diego at 20 and
went to college.

(21:07):
And I was a waitress atLawrence Wells.
And so I met this girl.
Anyway, I auditioned for thistheater group that was a
traveling theater.
And they had a bus and atwo-ton truck.
And I auditioned, and I got in,and I raised support because it

(21:28):
was Christian.
It was evangelistic.

Jacob (21:30):
So they're a Christian theater group, and you just
heard about them, and you raisedsome money to join them?
Yep.
Just on a whim, you

Diane (21:38):
decided.
Yep.
Wow.
And the guy that got together,Lambs Players, he was an actor
in Hollywood for a long time.
He was always on Bonanza.
Is this

Jacob (21:51):
the guy you named me after?
This is kind of a secretbetween

Diane (21:54):
you and me.
No, this was the head guy onour tour, Jake.
Jake Taylor or something likethat.
So I auditioned.
I got in.
I raised the money.
I was supposed to raise $600.
I lived off of $300.
We got an apartment in And wewent on tour in this old bus,
19-seater bus.

(22:15):
I was the first female in thatgroup that was a driver for the
bus and the two-ton truck.

Jacob (22:22):
So you weren't the only woman there, just the only
driver.

Diane (22:24):
Right.
The only female driver.
And you

Jacob (22:26):
drove the whole bus.

Diane (22:27):
Well, yeah, I was the only female driver.
Yeah.
And so then we drove throughthe Rockies.
We went to Oregon.
We went to Washington.
We went to California.
We performed in all the jails.
In jails.
Oh, yeah.
And Tascadero for thecriminally insane.
And for San Quentin, they said,hey, you guys go in.

(22:51):
There's no guarantee you'recoming out.
And you cannot, if they holdyou hostage, there's nothing
we're going to do.
Did

Jacob (22:59):
that make

Diane (22:59):
you nervous?

Jacob (23:00):
No.
You were

Diane (23:01):
like, bring it on.
I was fearless.
Yeah, you were.
And then back in San Quentin,when we were there, In the back
of the building, there was acement tub-like, probably 15 by
15 with water in it.
And they were baptizing guys.
And they were singing, standingaround singing, and I once was

(23:25):
a murderer, but Jesus set mefree.
I once was a, you know,whatever.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
And it was very touching.
And then we'd go off to thenext place.
Yeah.

Jacob (23:37):
That's incredible.
I mean, you were out there.
and you were not onlyentertaining people, but
spreading love, spreading thegospel.
You can tell the little shortstory of the people who...
Because the character youplayed, I believe, was a man,
right?

Diane (23:52):
I played two characters, but yes, I was dead Fred.
And I was Fred, and I lookedlike a guy because I had a hood.
This is Renaissance costumes,by the way.

Jacob (24:02):
They put a beard on you?

Diane (24:03):
Well, with makeup only.

Jacob (24:05):
With makeup.

Diane (24:06):
And so they all thought I was guy, you know, because...
How you doing?
And so then I, I would shaketheir hand and then they, one
guy went, ew, you're not a guy.
And so.

Jacob (24:20):
So you just felt your hand like, it was like all of a
sudden, wow, there's a littletoo feminine.

Diane (24:25):
Yep.

Jacob (24:26):
That's hilarious.

Diane (24:27):
Yeah.

Jacob (24:27):
So how long did you continue with, with lambs
players and, and how does thateventually bring you to
Whitworth and meeting dad andall of that?
Well,

Diane (24:38):
when I got out of, lambsplayers, I thought, what am
I going to do with my life?
I'm 21 years old, almost 22.
And so I applied to WhitworthUniversity up in Spokane,
Washington, because my fellowlambies, they told me about,
they went there and they said,Whitworth's really good.

(24:58):
And it's a really nice town andpine trees and everything.
So I applied.
But while I was waiting, Ilived with my dad who was back
in Thousand Oaks.
And I I worked at the hospitalas a housekeeper and I cleaned
rooms, saved all my money.
He drove me up to the college.
I lived in a dorm and the dormwas, the theme was simple living

(25:22):
dorm.
And I got my own room actuallybecause I was almost 23 by that
time.
And so I went to school for twoof those years in a dorm and
then I met your dad.
How did that happen?
I went to the last year welived outside the dorm.
How'd that happen?

Jacob (25:41):
Every child's curious, like, how did my parents meet?

Diane (25:44):
On the campus?

Jacob (25:46):
The

Diane (25:47):
first time you saw him.
They talked about him and theysaid, hey, here's so-and-so.
And we smoked a joint together,partied together.
And that's where I've made mostof my mistakes.
You heard

Jacob (25:55):
it, folks.
You admitted it

Diane (25:56):
right here.
It's partying together.
And then we're laughing and,oh, we think we're in love.
Because all you have to do isbe intoxicated and you've
already fallen in love with thatperson.
And then when you sober up,you're thinking, what was I
thinking?
You

Jacob (26:11):
were young.
You were both young.

Diane (26:13):
But I went ahead because we kept, we would smoke pot
together or drink.
He wasn't really involved ingoing to school.
He was kind of like droppingout but living in the dorm.

Jacob (26:27):
His heart wasn't in

Diane (26:27):
it.
Yeah, and by then I wasmajoring in broadcast
journalism, and I was likereally gung-ho.
Committed.
I was going to go to Seattleand do an internship there.
I did it at a TV station inSpokane, and this is right when
I'm meeting him.
But none of those dreams cametrue after that.
I

Jacob (26:47):
ruined it for you.

Diane (26:48):
No, you didn't.
You were the product of a badchoice I made.

Jacob (26:55):
So you guys fell in love, quote unquote, and the face
you're making right now.
You had a lot of good yearstogether.
But I wanted to kind of talkabout that a little bit.
You were about 26 when you hadme.
So how did the question getpopped?
Will you marry me?
And how did you guys transitioninto marriage and then what was

(27:17):
it like transitioning into themarried life?
Because you were talking aboutyou had these dreams.
I'm guessing that has somethingto do with it.

Diane (27:24):
Well, I was 25 when we got married, and I was
graduating.

Jacob (27:31):
Okay.
So you got your bachelor's.

Diane (27:35):
I got my bachelor's degree in broadcast journalism,
and then we said, well, let's golive on the island because he's
from the San Juan Islands overthere by Seattle.

Jacob (27:43):
Orcas Island.
Yes.

Diane (27:45):
Yeah.
I said, but, you know, I don'tknow.
I don't really want to.
And he said, well, as far asyour career goes, I don't think
that's going to work beingmarried.
And that was the first of mydownfall with everything.
He

Jacob (28:01):
said to you, I don't think this is going to work

Diane (28:03):
if you pursue that career?
No, he said, I don't think,yeah, it's going to be hard to
have a marriage where you havethat kind of a career.

Jacob (28:10):
Okay.

Diane (28:12):
So we went over to the island for three months.
And

Jacob (28:15):
you left college at that point.

Diane (28:16):
I was graduated, yes.

Jacob (28:18):
You graduated, but you didn't pursue any broadcasting.
Instead, you wanted to focus ongetting married, starting

Diane (28:25):
a family.
Yeah, and then we moved down toCalifornia again, Huntington
Beach.
And

Jacob (28:30):
this

Diane (28:30):
is probably where I jump into this.
Pregnant with you.
Okay.
And then it was basically adomestic violence marriage from
even up in college when Imarried him before I ever had
you.
And we were...
were we were arguing from theget-go and he one time he drove

(28:53):
crazy I start I ran out of thecar and he chased after me and
held me by the waist carried melike a log and plopped me down
on the grass and a man saw andhe pulled over and came up to me
and said ma'am do you want meto call the police and I said

(29:16):
And so there was the beginningof 13 years, 11 years.
That was

Jacob (29:26):
the first time that he had ever been really physical
with you?

Diane (29:30):
No.
Um, yes, he had quite a temperbefore I ever married him.
So what's that tell you?
Hey, we get along, we party, welaugh, we, we have fun together
and then you ignore everythingelse and you marry him, you
know?
Yeah.
And

Jacob (29:48):
you genuinely loved him.
However, he had a lot of thingsthat he was carrying from his
childhood, obviously with theanger.

Diane (29:55):
Yes.

Jacob (29:56):
So, so that happened before you got married, before
you got pregnant with me, whatWhat was life like after I came
into the picture and you becamea mom and you guys became
parents?

Diane (30:08):
I couldn't.
I was extremely sheltered,extremely.
I went from this girl that hadall these adventures to being
home with my kids.
Not that that's a bad thing.

Jacob (30:24):
It takes a lot out of you.

Diane (30:25):
But he was working, and he had a traveling job, so it
was my job to look up where hehad to go on the map and if I
didn't you know and he wouldwait till the last minute to get
ready and all hell broke looseduring that time every time he'd

(30:46):
leave for out of town or to doanywhere in LA so

Jacob (30:51):
he would get stressed out before he had to go oh

Diane (30:53):
yeah and then one time I I could tell you stories Yeah,

Jacob (31:01):
we're not demonizing him and we're not vilifying him
because obviously a lot of timehas passed since then, but this
is something that you wentthrough and there's a lot of
potential listeners that may begoing through this right now.
So I think it's, if you'recomfortable with sharing it.
Well, I think

Diane (31:17):
the biggest reveal that I had, one time I said, he
wouldn't let me go anywhere,grocery shopping or anything,
because if the kids were home,well, this was just YouTube home
you were

Jacob (31:32):
me and jess

Diane (31:33):
you were like one and a half and she was um you know a
year younger yeah so um anywayso i went to the grocery store
and he was timing me and so when

Jacob (31:54):
timing you

Diane (31:55):
yeah He watched how long I was gone for.

Jacob (31:59):
Why?

Diane (32:01):
Because he didn't want me gone.
And I wanted to go by myselfbecause I was with kids all day,
every day.

Jacob (32:09):
Yeah, you wanted to get out.

Diane (32:10):
Yeah, and this was rare that I could go out and do some
shopping.
But I forgot something.
And we had it where the garagewas there.
Then you go up the stairs andthere's the apartment on top of
the garage.
Well, he didn't know I cameback into the door.
And I heard him talking tosomebody, but he wasn't talking

(32:34):
to anybody except for himself.
And he was saying, ah, she'ssuch a slob.
Your mom's such a slob.
Look at her.
She's so lazy.
And I stood there.
I was in shock that he talkedabout me.
And he thought I had left.

Jacob (32:51):
Who was this to?

Diane (32:53):
To himself.

Jacob (32:54):
It wasn't to me as a baby or something?

Diane (32:57):
Well, maybe you were in the room but nobody else was
there

Jacob (33:00):
did you say hello like I'm here behind you or did you
just let him I

Diane (33:04):
think I did I don't know if I said I I can't remember
either that or I walked out Iwas devastated and so I went
shopping and got home and thereit was and I'm not gonna cause a
big fight over it but I learnedafter years you don't Yell

(33:28):
back.
You don't fight him on it.
Because I was very afraid of mylife for many years.
So it

Jacob (33:37):
could escalate very quickly if

Diane (33:39):
you fought back.
And he was unpredictable.
So he was very calm when youlook at him.
But within a second, he'd behovering over me with his fists.
I'm going to kill you, effing.
You said that?
Yes.
It was a very scary time forme.
for 11 years and a counselorfive years into it we tried to

(34:01):
get counseling but he yeah

Jacob (34:03):
this is four children later too for those listening
it's it's you had four kids yeahand then how was this during
was this after Jeremy was bornthe youngest of the four at the
time

Diane (34:16):
well the five years into it

Jacob (34:20):
oh so it would have been

Diane (34:21):
just me and Jess I was yeah but you I I talked to the
doctor about you I went to thepediatrician nutrition.
I said, my son is verydepressed.
He's very depressed and I don'tknow what to do.
And the doctor said, well, youdo this.
And he walked across the roomand he said, you just walk.
And I said, okay, but whenyou're sheltered and nobody

(34:48):
knows the dynamics in yourfamily, it's very hard to,
because you're like, if youpicture someone in a cell and
then they let the prisoner outand then they have to be in
society.
So that's, I felt like I didn'tknow what to do in society.
So the

Jacob (35:07):
doctor's just telling you, just walk, just get it,
just walk away.
But in your mind, you're like,well, how do I do that?
Yeah.

Diane (35:12):
So I stayed a few more years and then we went to a
marriage counselor and and thenthat's when your dad walked out
of the room because he was hedidn't want to discuss

Jacob (35:24):
anything

Diane (35:24):
he got mad well that counselor I never forgot said
you have to choose the best ofthe two evils either you stay or
you go through the hardship ofleaving but both are hard what
do you choose and I stayed forfive more years.

(35:45):
This was 11 years into it.
And then I told him I wasleaving him.

Jacob (35:50):
Wow.

Diane (35:51):
And so...
I
I was going to ask in regardsto this whole situation, because
in my mind, it can't be easy.

(36:13):
You have a marriage, you havekids together, you know, you
have this daily routine, youhave love, genuine love for this
person, but there's also theviolent aspect as well, the
physical aspect.
So, yeah, and it's hard on the kids.

(36:35):
And so you were in adepression.
I remember.
And when I left him, you were10.
And guess what?
You got happy.
I remember that.
And when you decide to leaveyour abusive spouse, it is the
hardest thing in the worldbecause you don't know where to
go or what to do.
But all of a sudden, the kidsfeel relief because there's no

(36:58):
violence in the home.

Jacob (36:59):
I remember it.
It was very intense.
There was one time, which mademe get choked up just now, where
I saw something, and it wasreally hard.
And I mentioned it on anotherepisode.
I didn't go into any details,though, out of respect for all
parties, you know, but...
I remember those years and howscary they were.
And in regards to you knowingthe exact moment that it was

(37:22):
time to leave, didn't youconsult also the pastor of our
church or something like that?

Diane (37:27):
That was for the divorce, but when I actually wanted to
leave, I was in California, andI had a five-month-old baby.
And that was my fourth child.
And what made me decide was,okay, usually a mother will
leave when they feel that theirkids are in danger.
That's not always true.
But you two, I stayed for 10years.

(37:51):
And then I had two more.
And they were two and fivemonths.
Well, one day, I was on thephone with the insurance
company.
And I was talking and he was inthe background saying, dead

(38:11):
body if they could.
And it was so embarrassing.
So I said, well, thank you,ma'am.
I hung up, and I knew not toyell at him because I put myself
in danger.
But he took a broomstick andthrew it across the corner of
the wall, and splinters startedgoing everywhere, and my
two-year-old was standing there.

Jacob (38:32):
This was California.

Diane (38:33):
Yeah, and I had to back him up.

Jacob (38:35):
Josh was...
Two.
Two, and then Jeremy was...
Okay, yeah, I remember that.
I remember those years,

Diane (38:42):
yeah.
So then...
I had to back him up, and so hewent in the other room.
I gathered my two little oneswho were not in school, and I
said, I'm going to go pick upthe other two from school now.
He said, okay, and I got in thecar, and I picked you up from
school, and all four of you werein the car, and I drove to my

(39:03):
sister's, and I called them, andI said, I'm leaving you because
I was tired of it.
I was tired of the danger mykids were in.
I was tired of thinking I wasgoing lose my life all the time
and the cops coming and notbelieving me because he was very
calm when they got there and alot of it was emotional abuse

(39:25):
too and of course police don'treally take that serious

Jacob (39:29):
especially back then

Diane (39:30):
but that'll do a job on you that emotional abuse oh

Jacob (39:33):
yeah

Diane (39:34):
oh that'll just wipe wipe out every kind of confidence
you have or self-esteem that youhave but that's that's how I
left him

Jacob (39:43):
well I appreciate you sharing all that because I know
that's not easy.
And in that same vein, thatmoment you decided to leave,
which sounds like it wasbuilding and then it was
spontaneous with that outburst,something just popped in your
head and you're like, I'm out.
For people, for someonelistening though who loves their

(40:03):
partner but feels torn andunsafe like you were, what would
you tell them?

Diane (40:09):
I would tell them to start researching and avenues
options that you would havebecause after that I went to the
social welfare office and Isaid I want to leave my husband
we own a house in Spokane whatdo I do they said go to Spokane

(40:31):
because they have good benefitsthere and then you get on your
feet but you some people have toleave immediately now the trick
is not going back and I neverwent back but some people leave
then go back leave and that'llmess with your head too so it's

(40:53):
very important that you findhelp there's shelters out there
because I had a shelter lined upand everything and Jessica
remembers me blocking the frontdoor with furniture that night
but anyway I also for thedivorce I applied to Gonzaga

(41:14):
University and told them mystory because in the law school
there, they'll do your divorcefor free if your case is severe
enough.
So I interviewed with them.
I wrote down everything that'shappened and they accepted my
case and they represented me incourt free.

Jacob (41:32):
Wow.
That's incredible.

Diane (41:35):
And then after that, I cried for two years.
I was on welfare.
I had a bachelor's degree.
I tried to work, but thechildcare was a lot.
And I just stayed on welfarefor the first two years, stayed
on for another two years becauseI applied for my master's

(41:56):
degree and my teachingcertificate.
And the president of thatprogram at Whitworth said, Ms.
Buehler, nobody has done thisprogram as a single mom with
four kids, nobody.
And I said, watch me.
And I did it.
And You did.
He was so proud of me.
And I graduated, got my firstjob in Las Vegas.

Jacob (42:19):
I remember that.

Diane (42:20):
But I stayed in that house that we owned.
And he signed it over to mebecause he got a settlement for
his knee injury or something.
And it was about the sameequity in the house.
So he gave me the house.
I said, you pay the bills.
I'll pay the house.

(42:41):
And so he didn't pay the bills.
Yeah.
he has had an epiphany and gothis life settled.

(43:19):
And now he contacts youregularly.
So I don't want, I did getaway.
I got away safely.
My kids were safe.
I didn't want them to see me onwelfare.
So I borrowed the money to goto college.
The state, the government didnot pay for it.
And I wanted you to see what awork ethic was like.

(43:42):
And And so, but I shopped atgarage sales and Goodwill and
everything.
I always, you got all yourwinter clothes

Jacob (43:51):
from.
So with the aftermath of all ofthat, and this is a tough
question for me to ask you oranyone listening who is going
through something like this, butdo you have compassion for dad?
And have you forgiven?

Diane (44:08):
Yes.
You forgive him?
Oh, absolutely.
I wouldn't marry him again.
No, of course.
As a human being.
Oh, it's, you know, I don'tknow if he has little tidbits of
anger still, but he learned along, a big lesson in his own
life from his temper, which isnot my duty to say anything

(44:29):
about.
But all I know is that we gotout safely.
We got out alive.
And your dad, through theyears, came to a
self-enlightenment or something.
something, and he is sincerenow, and he contacts all of you
kids.
And he helps you financially.
I mean, five.

(44:51):
I have five now, because theother half of the story was Las
Vegas and on.

Jacob (44:56):
Yeah, I wanted to talk about that as well.
I mean, that was a whole newlife for you when we came to
Vegas.
You were a single motherraising four kids at the time we
came down.
I think you had just turned 39or 40.
And I wanted to ask...
after you got the master'sdegree alone and doing all of

(45:19):
that, and you came to Vegas, youwere under a lot of, I mean,
you had done a lot raising fourkids, getting that master's
degree, moving us down, gettingthe job.
What was life like in Vegas?
Because I remember you workedhard, but you also celebrated in
a

Diane (45:36):
way.
Well, yeah, that's a wholenother section of my life.
But for four and a half years,I was going through that.
that divorce, crying, and thengoing through a year and a half
of college, two summers, oneschool year, and another
semester of getting thatmaster's degree.
I remember

Jacob (45:54):
that.
You'd bring me to the librarywhen you were doing your thesis,
and I would play and try tokeep quiet.

Diane (45:59):
And I was working like 70 hours a week.
And did I start neglecting?
Probably, because I had papersto write, I had research, and it
was either sink or swim.
Yeah, none of

Jacob (46:10):
us ever held that against you.
You were a single mom with fourkids.
and you were busting your ass.

Diane (46:14):
But just so you know that when I had food stamps, I was
damned in society, in public,that I wasn't supporting you
well enough.
Then when I got busy in LasVegas working and everything, I
was damned for working too muchand neglecting you.
So there really is no win-winfor a single mom.

(46:37):
Especially

Jacob (46:39):
with four kids.
Yes.
And then if you want to talkabout maybe briefly how you met.
I'm not going to say a name, ofcourse, to protect his privacy,
but you met another man for ashort time.

Diane (46:50):
Yes, and he was...
It was after not dating forfour and a half years, and I
just started teaching two monthsinto it.
Actually, I knew him for threemonths.
We got married, to make a longstory short.
I remember

Jacob (47:04):
that, yeah.

Diane (47:04):
He said he couldn't have kids, and that's how I had my
fifth,

Jacob (47:08):
because

Diane (47:08):
I believed him.
And I had a fifth child, but...
We were already divorced by, wewere married for like five
months.
Anyway, so I had the job.
I worked and then finally I gota job.
So he was taken care of.
I got a job as an adjunct atnight as teaching English 101

(47:32):
and 102.
I remember that.

Jacob (47:33):
You were two

Diane (47:33):
jobs.
Yeah.
So here you're gettingneglected even more and more.
And I'm trying to support you.
Because I still didn't getchild support and I didn't have
any family in Las So I had you24 hours a day, which is fine,
but the two jobs.
And then I would direct playsafter school for middle school.

Jacob (47:53):
I remember that.
I used to go to your plays andyou were

Diane (47:56):
great.
And so there it was, is that Iended up...
The only regret I have isneglecting my kids because of
the busyness.

Jacob (48:06):
And I think that's parenting brain.
We're always holding ourselvesto a high standard because we
love our kids and we want tomake sure we're the best
possible parent for it, at leastthe ones who care, and you
cared.
But even in spite of yourcircumstances of having, at that
time now, five kids, workingtwo jobs, trying to survive,
you're still going to be hard onyourself.
But Vegas, it had its own setof new things to to go through

(48:35):
Vegas is a pretty intense cityand I wanted to talk to you
about

Diane (48:42):
That could be another podcast.

Jacob (48:47):
We're looking pretty good on time.
If you're comfortable with it,I mean, because it was a big
thing when it happened.
I was 19, I think.
For those listening, my youngerbrother, I remember I was seven
years old when he was born, sowe have a seven-year gap.
And I think...
I don't remember how old he waswhen it started, but if you...

(49:10):
He struggles with addiction.
I'll just say it.
And it's not been easy for me.
And I can only imagine as aparent.
And I was wondering if youwouldn't mind sharing all the
adventures your life has alreadybeen.
What was it like the day thatyou found out that your son was

(49:33):
an addict to hard drugs?

Diane (49:38):
Well, he started as a...
Okay, these are the aftereffects.
You're going to say, oh, don'tblame yourself.
But these are the after effectsof being too busy and not
nurturing your kids.
If you sit and talk with yourkids and you listen to what they

(49:59):
have to say.
Do you know how many studentsof mine in middle school didn't
know how to have an opinionbecause their parents never
asked them what they thought?

Jacob (50:09):
Really?

Diane (50:10):
And I had to teach them.
teach them how in journaling.
But this is what happens whenyour kids are small and I was
under severe pressure with a badmarriage and then going to
Spokane, going through mymaster's degree and everything.
And I really feel that the twosmallest kids got the brunt of

(50:34):
that because they were raised byme.
Busy you.
Yes, yes.
And then my fifth child wasraised solely by me in Las
Vegas.

Jacob (50:46):
With most of us kind of grown up and

Diane (50:48):
moved out.
And you two were, got the, whenthey say that most of you,
you're by six years old, yourpersonality's already formed.
Well, my first two oldest,which is you, and the second
born, lived in that violence,but you still had a mom and dad.
Right.

(51:08):
But it's still not good to havethem around.
fearing for their life either.
So the next two got the bruntof it and started when he was
15.
He was pretty good, but he'salways taking chances in life.
And when he was 15, I asked himto take out the trash or

(51:29):
something.
He was addicted to hiscomputer.
And this is in Las Vegas.
And I cut the Ethernet cord.

Jacob (51:38):
You just pulled?
Oh, you cut it with scissors?
I cut it.

Diane (51:40):
Oh, okay.
He never forgot it till thisday, but he doesn't resent me
for it because he's the one kidthat you and actually have never
disrespected me ever.
And so I cut it, ran away fortwo weeks.

Jacob (51:56):
Because of that?

Diane (51:57):
Yes.

Jacob (51:57):
So you cut the

Diane (51:58):
cord.
That's when the drug started.

Jacob (52:00):
That, after that.

Diane (52:01):
Yes.

Jacob (52:02):
So he runs away and what happens?
When does he come back?

Diane (52:04):
At two weeks later.

Jacob (52:05):
So he comes back two weeks later and how did you know
he was addicted to something atthat point or what?
By

Diane (52:11):
the looks of him, and then he only stayed maybe for a
couple hours and left again.

Jacob (52:20):
He

Diane (52:22):
was in the streets for a good 10 years after that.
Yeah, it was very devastating,and he started with meth at the
park, at the skate park.
And then he went to heroin, andthen he eventually went to
fentanyl

Jacob (52:41):
which is where he's at now

Diane (52:43):
uh he's off fentanyl now okay he's been in and out he's
still not a felon surprisinglywow and probation drug courts
what three three drug courts ata year each and um he's just
something inside the dark sideof him won't let him see the the

(53:04):
intelligent side of him becausehe he's extremely intelligent

Jacob (53:09):
out of all my five all out of all five siblings, I
don't know if you'd agree, he isthe most sweetest and
tenderest.

Diane (53:15):
He's just, he's

Jacob (53:17):
so sweet.
And he's always, everyone lovesto be around him.

Diane (53:21):
Yes, yes.
And my fourth born, third born,my fourth born is struggling
with some resentment towards theupbringing.
And, you know, I thinkeverybody goes through that in
their 20s and 30s.
Like, look how you raised

Jacob (53:38):
me.

Diane (53:38):
Why'd you do this?
Why?
And that's where it comes backto bite you.
But eventually they settle inand say, well, that's my mom and
dad.

Jacob (53:45):
Yeah.

Diane (53:46):
And hopefully they forget because I can't take anything
back.
All we have is this moment.
Exactly.

Jacob (53:54):
For parents out there who are listening, kind of a
similar question to the lastscenario, but if someone is
listening and they're a parentand they have a child who's
struggling with addiction, doyou have any words of wisdom for
them on getting through it?

Diane (54:09):
Well...
I always tried to help him andtalk to him and everything.
And then I went through amourning period, like a death.
It is like a death in a way,because he rarely contacts me
now.
And he loves me.
He doesn't hold any resentmenttowards me.

(54:30):
That's what's so weird.
But he doesn't get a hold ofme, but he knows that I'll
always be there.
Will I be there financially?
No.
Will I let him live in myhouse?
No.

Jacob (54:41):
Just for safety.

Diane (54:42):
But for parents, there is a mourning that you have to go
through and you have to mournyour child and stay on your
knees and you have to beg God tohelp him.
Now, have I done that?
Yes.
I don't know if God will answermy prayer anytime soon, but

(55:04):
he's still on drugs and I usedto keep this picture inside my
Bible and And then he got cleanfor a while.
I said, oh, you answered myprayer, God.
Thank you.
And then he'd go back, and I'mthinking, what kind of a mind
mess is this?
I

Jacob (55:24):
think I speak for both of us, too, when I say he is
genuinely an amazing person, butthese addictive substances,
they take you, and they do notlet you go.
They're

Diane (55:38):
merciless.

Jacob (55:38):
They're merciless.
They'll take you.
They take your soul almost.
It's heart-wrenching.

Diane (55:43):
And he still believes in God.
And it was very important to methat all five of my children
still believe it, that wereraised believing in God, because
God is with you.
When you believe in God, he iswith you.

Jacob (55:56):
Always with

Diane (55:57):
you.
And so many things can happenif you ask God.
And all five of my kids believein God.
And that's when they were inthe crib, I used to put put my
hand over them or just stand atthe crib and pray, dear God,
please watch them throughouttheir lives.
Please, each child while theywere sleeping.

(56:19):
And even as they were gettingolder, I'd sit by their bed and
they're sleeping and I'd say,put my hand on their head and
their hair and say, God, pleasebe with my child.
Please be with this one.
Please be with that one.

Jacob (56:34):
Absolutely.
It's a powerful thing and ithad a major impact on my life,
your faith, dad, Even at hisworst moments, he always had
faith.
And I think, like you mentionedearlier with dad, him having
that enlightenment coming out ofit, I think his faith was the
major part of that.
Exactly.
And you taught it to me.

(56:55):
I always had it when I wasyounger.
And, you know, not to digresson me, you know, the last three
years have been extremely roughfor me.
And like you said, I was kindof like a, I can relate to you.
I was like a lukewarmChristian, essentially, at my
lowest three years ago.
when I was thinking it might bebetter not to exist than to
exist, you know, and I found itagain because I hit that low

(57:17):
point, you know, but it's alwaysbeen there with me and I have
you to thank and dad for that.
So thank you.
Sure.

Diane (57:24):
I love you,

Jacob (57:25):
Jake.
I love you too.
I'm so glad that we're able todo this and you're, you're my
first, my first guest.
And I was going to ask you likewhat helped you carry you
through, uh, but I think youanswered it with, with just
getting on your knees andpraying and being...

Diane (57:41):
Because you're powerless.

Jacob (57:43):
You can't do anything about it.

Diane (57:45):
You can't change people.
You can't change your husbandeither.
You can't change your wife.
What you see is what you get.
You can't say, well, we'regoing to work on this.
It's a farce.
I

Jacob (57:58):
try to talk about that on this podcast.
For some people that listen,they may not be specifically
Christian, as you know, buttrusting what this is, this
process of unfolding like Wecame out of it.
You have no choice but to trustit.
Like you said, you'repowerless.
We can only take action, but wedon't have the right to the

(58:18):
fruits of those actions.
Right.
I wanted to ask you about...
because you remember, she wentthrough a lot of waves in life,
and I hope to have her on thepodcast, because she has an
amazing story, very similar toyours, but the fact that you
went through a lot of thephysical, the physicality of

(58:42):
your marriage.

Diane (58:43):
With her marriage?

Jacob (58:45):
Yeah, can you talk a little bit about what it was
like the day you heard that shewas also in an abusive
relationship?

Diane (58:52):
Well, she had the same brain brainwashing he was
extremely controlling andthere's no every woman has to
come you can't shake your headto domestic violence victims
women you can't say I don't knowwhy they don't leave it's a
brainwashing that controls youand both of them were in it

(59:17):
somehow snapped out and she gotout of it she stayed out of it
She didn't go back and forth.
It

Jacob (59:26):
wasn't easy.
I remember that.

Diane (59:27):
No, it wasn't easy.
She

Jacob (59:28):
was head over heels for this

Diane (59:30):
guy.
And I was hesitant before sheeven married him.
How did

Jacob (59:36):
that make you feel?
I

Diane (59:38):
just was helpless.
But you have to remember thatpeople will, you can warn them.
And she saw my own life.
But because they were witnessto my own life, not my fifth,
she wasn't a witness to my first11 years.

Jacob (59:54):
You're

Diane (59:56):
fine.
Okay.
But she saw it.
She repeated it.
And then she had her littlestruggles.
And now she's remarried to awonderful man who has not one
mean bone in his body.
He's not physical.

Jacob (01:00:14):
He's amazing.

Diane (01:00:15):
He doesn't put her down.
And you know why?
Because she waited and sheprayed and she loved God
throughout She had a sinfultime.
She had sin coming after shebroke up with him.
She had sin happening in herown life.

(01:00:35):
But God, he is the protector ofus.
And even though it's the worstthing in the world, he will come
in and swoop down.
You don't see it happeningbecause it happens event by
event by event.
And pretty soon you look behindyou and look at what's going
on.
But some things look hopeless,but it's not hopeless.

(01:00:59):
You must beg God to hear yourprayer.
And he does hear it.

Jacob (01:01:05):
That humility.

Diane (01:01:07):
Yes, yes.
It's just, we're all fallenfrom, we're all fallen
creatures.
And it's sad to see so much.
I worked so hard to raise myfive kids.
And when I lay my head down onthe pillow I think how sin has

(01:01:27):
continued throughout thegenerations and my own children.
I worked so hard to raise, oh,but no, I got busy.
I had to support you.
Oh, but look what happenedbecause of that, because I
neglected you emotionally orphysically, not there.
I don't know what it was, butthere's nothing I can do.

(01:01:49):
Do

Jacob (01:01:49):
you feel that those thoughts pull you back a lot,
and then you remind yourself, Ijust need to look at my feet?
Yes.
Solomon says in Proverbs.

Diane (01:01:56):
I listen to your podcast.
Does it help?

Jacob (01:01:58):
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I learn from the best.

Diane (01:02:01):
I went to trauma therapy for about nine months a few
years ago, and that reallyhelped.
About grounding and beingmindful, like you talk about in
your podcast.

Jacob (01:02:13):
Yeah.
I think psychiatry, they havetheir own labels for it, of
course.
It's kind of stripped away ofthe spiritual stuff, right?
But they call it grounding andthings like that, which I think
is great.

Diane (01:02:23):
And you can get so busy in your life.
Yeah.

Jacob (01:02:26):
You're

Diane (01:02:27):
not mindful.
You're gone.

Jacob (01:02:54):
That's awesome.
All right.
I know we're moving towards thefinish line and you're giving
me the signal here.
And I want to be respectful ofyour time.
And I'm so grateful.
We're going to do this againbecause we have so many more
stories we can tell.
But I was wondering, as weclose out, if you could maybe

(01:03:14):
just touch on just somereflections in life, aging,
slowing down a little bit.
You just lost your brotherrecently which is part of time.
Time goes by and everythingpasses away.
What has loss and mortalitytaught you about your life?

Diane (01:03:37):
I think if, first of all, it's taught me that I can't go
back and change anything.
And that's why it's soimportant to be present at the
moment in your 20s, your 30s,your 40s.
It's very important to bepresent with your kids, with
what's going on, because somedayyou'll be where I'm at and

(01:04:01):
you'll think, oh, why did I doit like that?
And so now I know that God isreal and that I've ignored him a
big portion of my life with mydecisions.
I've put him to the side andjust saying, this is what I
want.
And I've paid a price for many,many things.

(01:04:23):
And I think in my nextgeneration with my kids, they're
paying a price now.
And I think that's just doingthe right thing.
Do the right thing.
That's what I've learned.
I just learned it like two daysago.

Jacob (01:04:43):
Better late than never,

Diane (01:04:44):
right?
I know.
And I'm thinking, why didn't Ithink of it like that?
Do the right thing.
That's all.
But then we get busy again andI've yet to write my book
Confessions of a LukewarmChristian and you can watch out
for that

Jacob (01:05:03):
I am excited we can promote it on the podcast sounds
good maybe read a few chaptersthank you absolutely well this
has been a lot of fun mom andI'm really grateful for you that
you're my mother you taught meso many things in life I think
above all you taught me to loveyou taught me to have faith and

(01:05:25):
trust and you taught me to havea sense of humor too

Diane (01:05:29):
you're always so funny well you're pretty funny I try I

Jacob (01:05:33):
got big shoes to fill all my friends have always loved
you oh that's so sweet and Iguess as we close out here, if
you could speak to your youngerself or to someone listening who
feels they're in the middle ofit all, what would you want them
to know as we close out here?

Diane (01:05:53):
Snap out of it.
If I was my younger self, I wasso rebellious, so adventurous,
and all that adventure was good,but be careful who you meet,
who you trust right off.
when you have sex all of asudden you're in love all those

(01:06:14):
endorphins and now you're in toodeep oh my gosh you know and
now you've got emotions involvedand everything else so it's
best to just get to know peopleand trust them but those quick
decisions just don't cut it

Jacob (01:06:32):
and like you said being mindful helps with that because
you'll be more mindful of

Diane (01:06:37):
the choices you're making take time for yourself and
quiet time you know and takecare of yourself and then you
can be more perceptive in lifewith other people and what's
happening around you

Jacob (01:06:52):
that's great advice keep it simple yeah well this has
been a lot of fun I'm reallyglad we were able to do this and
I'd love to do it againsometime in the near future so

Diane (01:07:05):
you're welcome Jake do you want my autograph now

Jacob (01:07:08):
yes I would

Diane (01:07:08):
okay I

Jacob (01:07:09):
love you

Diane (01:07:10):
I love you too.
Bye.

Jacob (01:07:12):
Bye bye.
Well, all right, everyone, thatconcludes our episode for the
day.
I want to say a big thank youto my mom.
I'm going to have a reading forher in just a moment, but I
also want to say thank you toall the listeners for being
here.
Thanks to my mom, Diane, forbeing my first podcast guest

(01:07:35):
ever.
And I want to thank her as wellfor demonstrating that in spite
of all the flames that shewalked through in life, life
that she still was able tomaintain a spirit of forgiveness
and compassion and that'spretty incredible if this
episode moved anyone one of thebest ways you can support the

(01:07:57):
show is to follow in yourfavorite app or even better
share the episode with somebodywho you think might need to hear
this we have links in thedescription if you'd like to
share your story with us orsupport us financially as well
and this final reading here Ipicked out a special for you mom
from Isaiah do not fear for Ihave redeemed you I have called

(01:08:27):
you by name you are mine whenyou pass through the waters I
will be with you and through therivers, they shall not
overwhelm you.
When you walk through fire, youshall not be burned and the

(01:08:53):
flame shall not consume you.

Music (01:08:57):
This voice might fade like dust on the dial But I'm
standing nowhere and I've beenfor a while No heroes, no
headlines, no promises made Justa whisper that won't be afraid

(01:09:29):
Standing nowhere and it feelslike home No flats to wait, no
need to roam The silence speakslouder than war ever could And

(01:09:52):
I've never felt so Static iskind, it leaves me alone No
orders to follow, no king on thethrone The sky's turning amber,

(01:10:20):
the clock's all reset And Ihaven't stopped walking No

(01:10:42):
chains, no name, no destiny Theroad dissolves, the sky turns
white I'm still here, nothing