November 12, 2025 • 25 mins
re you an expat woman struggling to make real friendships in America, feeling out of place, or wondering if you need to change who you are just to belong?
Dasha moved to the USA from Russia for love. She landed in Lubbock, Texas. In this episode, she shares her journey from small-town rejection to finding meaningful connections in San Francisco. Her story shows that the expat experience touches all of us—no matter where we come from. What matters most is having the strategies and tools to work through it.
You’ll discover:
- How cultural expectations in the U.S. shape friendship-building—and why intentionality matters more here than anywhere else
- Why therapy can be a critical tool for navigating identity loss, culture shock, and the emotional cost of starting over
Press play to discover the mindset shifts and practical insights every expat woman needs to create community, connection, and a true sense of home in the United States.
This podcast dives into expat and immigrant stories—women and men who’ve immigrated to the USA, tackling homesickness, identity crisis, and culture shock while adjusting to expat life and navigating cultural differences. Through conversations on starting over, reinventing yourself, and finding purpose, it highlights success stories of resilience and tenacity. It offers insights into bicultural identity, language barriers, and the challenges of living overseas, while emphasizing the importance of strong support systems and wellbeing for women pursuing the American dream.
https://www.instagram.com/theplaces_wecallhome
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
If you've ever felt like the bigfish in the wrong tank, this
conversation will help youunderstand why.
You are going to learn themindset shifts and practical
insights that every expat womanneeds to create community
connection and a true sense ofhome in the United States.
(00:21):
Welcome to starting over in theUSA, the Expat Woman's Guide to
overcoming homesickness,embracing cultural differences,
and creating a new home awayfrom home.
On this podcast, we talk aboutleaving behind the familiar, you
know, the pangs of homesicknessand culture shock to the
journeys of reinventingyourself.
(00:43):
I'm Yolanda Reshemah.
And after relocating six times,I know firsthand what it's like
to start from scratch, feelinglike both a foreign child and a
foreign adult in a new world.
This is a replay of an earlierepisode that I wanted to bring
back and include the bits that Ihad previously edited because
(01:08):
this is about friendship andwe've been talking about
friendships the last fewepisodes, I want you to hear
what my guest Dasha has to sayabout her Journey from small
town rejection to San Franciscoconnections, and it shows me
that the expat experience comesto all of us.
Your origin, doesn't make youimmune to it.
(01:31):
You just need some strategiesand tools to help you work
through it.
So listen to this.
You are joining partway throughthe conversation.
When I was a little girl livingin the Soviet Union and my
grandmother, for one reason oranother was obsessed with
America, and she kept tellingme, someday you should marry an
(01:54):
American guy.
And my father would get angry ather because we don't have any
Americans.
Where is she gonna find anAmerican guy?
Lo and behold, in 1999, Istarted going to church that had
American missionaries workingUhhuh there.
And so two years later, in 2001,I met my future husband.
(02:16):
His name is Seth and we datedsort of for a little bit and
then he returned to America.
And I had to face a choice toeither break off the
relationship or come to Americasomehow to see if it would work.
So I managed with Lord's help tosecure a student visa.
To go to a Bible school inAmerica for a year and yeah, and
(02:38):
I landed in Lubbock, Texas.
So I didn't really think ofAmerica at first as a place
live.
It wasn't America, that reallydrew you because you didn't
really need to come.
No, and the thing is, so we'retalking about 2003 things were
great in Russia at the time.
I think things were going reallywell.
(03:00):
Russia was succeedingeconomically.
We still had all of ourfreedoms, but there was less
chaos.
So those were like the goldenyears, like the early two
thousands for the golden yearsof Russia in where there were so
many opportunities that therewas really no need for me to be
in America other than to checkout this relationship.
(03:22):
Tell me about when you startedliving here.
Mm-hmm.
After you got married, obviouslyit worked out.
Has life in America panned outthe way you expected or hoped,
oh, interesting question.
So I guess yes and no.
I definitely appreciated that; Ithink one thing I love about
(03:45):
America is that I can truly bemyself here.
even more so than in Russia,what do you mean by that, when
you say you can be yourselfhere?
I can say what I wanna say, Ican wear what I want to wear.
I actually shed a lot ofcultural expectations that came
with being a woman in Russia,and I feel quite sort of
(04:07):
liberated in many ways, uh,living in America.
At the same time, it has notbeen an easy journey because
living in Texas, for example,was very hard, because I think
there's a certain culture thatis associated with a Christian
woman living in the south.
They have this famous thing,sugar and spice and everything
(04:29):
nice.
Right, right.
I only have spice.
Okay.
All that.
No sugar.
A little, a little bit of sugara lot of spice.
I.
So, um, spice is good.
We need spice.
Spice is good, but I, but I, Ididn't quite measure up on
(04:49):
everything Nice.
And so kind was kinda likeostracized.
I had trouble making friends.
Ah, um, think they, they judgedme and I think they saw me in a
certain light, which wascompletely inaccurate, but yeah.
Oh, so that was difficult.
And then I tried to makerelationship with.
The Russian speaking community,which was great in that in
(05:09):
Lubbock because we had a groupof friends.
But once we moved to Dallas,that two did not materialize for
me either.
So you struggled to makeconnections?
Absolutely.
And to establish a tribe,because that is what keeps us
here to some degree, because ithelps us to establish a new home
(05:30):
and to surround ourselves withpeople who can care for us
because we don't have ourfamilies here.
And for our mental health.
Absolutely.
And for our stability, our senseof belonging, you are looking
back at earlier years, but nowhave you been more successful in
establishing a frame?
Well, I've definitely learned alot of things.
(05:53):
In my first five years of livingin that small town, and one of
the most important things I'velearned about myself or my
limitations, there are justcertain things I cannot do, and
it's really healthy, I think, toknow your limitations, like I
cannot live in a small town.
Like that's, that's a no-go forme, because they already have an
(06:13):
established framework orrelationship.
You cannot break into that evenif you lay your life down.
I tried.
It's not possible.
Uh.
When we moved to Dallas, whichis a metroplex, you know, it's a
bigger city.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I was eventually able to find mytribe.
But what I discovered is thatrelationships in America,
(06:34):
especially with Americans,, takea lot of intentionality.
You have to pursue thoserelationships with energy and
passion.
Otherwise you won't have any.
I feel like in many countries, Idon't know about England, but in
Russia, relationships emergeorganically.
Yes.
They just emerged.
(06:55):
They just happened.
Not in America.
In America, you have to schedulethings.
You have to arrange, you know,because everybody's so schedule
driven and everybody's schedulesare so filled up.
Mm-hmm.
That you have to plan everythingway ahead.
You need to make sure you invitepeople, you need to make sure
you sort of cater the event.
(07:15):
To the way people are used to.
Very funny example, we wouldhost.
Uh, birthday parties for ourkids and we would invite our
American and Russian friends.
Let's say birthday parties at 10Americans show up at 9: 45, stay
until 11 and leave.
Mm-hmm.
Well come noon is when theRussians show up and they never
(07:37):
leave.
So we were used to having thislike two parties, essentially an
all day event.
Yeah.
Uh, and so it's stuff like thatyou, you have to understand how
the culture works and I, I thinkthe general vibe in America is
that, like we don't talk aboutit, especially in San Francisco,
(07:57):
but it's true.
We as Americans expect otherpeople to acculturate.
Mm.
That's interesting.
So I feel like diversity, atleast when it comes to
international people, is a bitof a misnomer.
You're either acculturate or youstay in your cultural community
of origin.
There's really not a whole lotof people that will across that
(08:20):
gap.
Mm.
For you, if it makes sense.
Yes, it does make sense.
Hmm.
You said you've acculturated, sohave you retained some parts of
your culture and is that reallyimportant for you Mm-hmm.
I think the importance of itsort of has shifted for me in
(08:40):
recent years, especially since Iand my kids have been growing.
There are definitely parts ofRussian culture that I value
very much; I love Russianlanguage.
I love Russian literature,music.
There's so many foods and littletraditions that we have now.
Unfortunately, I only was ableto bring so much into my
(09:01):
household because it was like aswimming upstream it, it was
always a battle for me.
So I would say that there aredefinitely parts of Russian
culture I really do value now.
Uh, what I actually value alsois like the redeemed Soviet
culture that I've found,especially in San Francisco.
(09:23):
And what is that?
This was not the case.
But ideally, Soviet Union wasdesigned as this community of
friendship between all thesedifferent nations that comprised
the Soviet Union, 15 differentrepublics.
We have it here in SanFrancisco.
That dream came true in SanFrancisco.
So truly, if you speak Russiansomewhere, um, and there's a
(09:46):
person from Uzbekistan,Kazakhstan, you have an instant
connection.
And so a lot of my friends hereare Ukrainian Jews, Tadjiks or,
or Uzbeks of Russians, orRussians or whatever, right?
So it's kinda like that, thatsort of a unity that we share in
(10:07):
the Soviet culture in its bestexpressions.
Um, became evident in SanFrancisco and I love that.
If you could change anything.
Or rather, that's not thequestion I want to ask you.
I think the question I want toask you is what do you wish you
knew about the US before movinghere, if anything about the US
(10:35):
specifically?
Um, or just about transitioninginto a life here.
Can I have two?
Of course.
As many as you want.
Uh, first of all, I would'vemoved here right away.
Uh, Texas is not a good placefor Oh, you mean you would've
moved to San Fran?
I would've moved to San, I wouldmove to San Francisco.
That is much more diverse, muchmore welcoming to immigrants.
(10:59):
Um, so that's one.
Or New York or somewhere atChicago.
Um, uh, number two, uh, this ismore of a personal, um, I would
want to start therapy rightaway.
Because there's so much to thisprocess of acculturation and
there's so much pain, um, thatto have somebody guide me
(11:23):
through it would've been great.
So the therapy for yourself?
For me, yes.
I would've started therapy forme.
Um, and then another one, uh,which actually did a good job on
that one, but, um, but still isa good advice.
Uh, I would be very intentionalabout my spiritual community and
(11:45):
I would really look for a legitspiritual community and not
settle for sort of, but, youknow, not settle.
I'll just leave it.
Right.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Going back to the therapy.
Yeah.
You said you would've startedtherapy immediately.
What did you need or what didyou get from therapy?
(12:06):
And I asked that questionbecause it's quite a nosy,
invasive question, especially toa therapist.
Oh my goodness.
Absolutely.
Because I want other people whomight be listening to consider
what they need to be aware of.
Yeah.
And they're not gonna be able toget that from me.
They can only get that from mebecause I don't have that
insight.
Mm-hmm.
(12:27):
Possibly.
So what did you get fromtherapy?
Or what did you need You know, Iactually remember, so I went
into therapy when I was incollege.
So it was already five yearsinto, uh, my master's degree,
uh, five years into my, uh, lifein America.
I was coming out of two years ofdepression.
(12:47):
And I remember I was talking tomy therapist and, uh, I remember
that session so vividly where Iwas trying, basically my
question was, what is wrong withme?
I need you to tell me what iswrong with me.
Because I don't know how tobuild relationships here.
People don't like me, so I needyou to tell me what's wrong with
(13:09):
me so I can correct it.
Mm-hmm.
And I can be better.
Right.
And I, I remember she was sokind and she was so patient and
she didn't placate me.
She didn't sort of, uh, but shealso didn't coddle me, you know?
But she used this comparison ofbeing kinda like a bright fish
(13:33):
in a tank.
She said, there is, there's alot of you.
You're just a lot.
And I am, I'm a lot, she said.
But we are in the southern smalltown culture.
We're being, I mean, you can bea lot in a certain kind of way
in a Texas kind of way, but ifyou're a lot in any other kind
(13:53):
of way, you basicallyautomatically get ejected from
the system.
And she said, you have a choice.
You know, she said, she said,you can either shed your scales
and become like the rest of thefish, or you can just find a
(14:14):
different pond, find a differentpond.
And that's what I did.
You know, I found a differentpond.
Uh, and I don't, I mean this isprobably sounds I a narcissistic
name at all, but, but it's sortof a, um, again, the, the, the,
you know, and there's so manypeople I love in Texas, like my
(14:34):
in-laws and, you know, otherpeople that I met there.
But, but again, like if, if youdon't conform to that culture,
that's it.
That's it for you, right?
And so, um, I would recommend ifyou feel like fish out of the
water in America.
(14:54):
Look for different pond, butalso look for a good therapist
who can also tell you somethings.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
And then the other portion thatwas really important is she
really started speaking to meabout how direct I am that I
needed to tone it down, that Ineeded to learn to be less
direct and to be kinder with myspeech, choose my words, you
(15:16):
know, I needed to preface thingsmore instead of just kind of
like saying it, Russians arevery direct.
Right.
Get to the point quickly.
To get to the point quickly.
And so she, she really helped meto sort of that change my skills
a little bit, but to retain myidentity and also to help me
figure out I'm in the wrongpond.
(15:38):
I needed a different pond.
So, and eventually I found pond.
Wow.
That is, that is sage advice.
Mm-hmm.
Change your scale, change yourscale.
But to retain your identity,which sounds to me like an art
form, but that's what therapydoes.
(15:58):
That's what we do.
So where is your sense of home?
Where is home?
Oh, home is here Home.
Well actually, you know, homeis, uh, where my family is.
You know, I kind of, um, stoppedholding on to cities or houses,
you know?
Um, so it could be anywhere, itcould be wherever you happen to
(16:19):
be at that moment in time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But this is where you are rightnow.
Yeah.
I actually feel called to SanFrancisco.
The Lord sort of repeatedly haveshowed me that he wants us here
and, um, I own it.
I, San Francisco is home.
Um, there are many things I loveabout the city.
Maybe things I do not.
Mm-hmm.
(16:40):
Let's going through somechallenges right now.
Yeah.
But it is home.
Mm-hmm.
Do you feel American?
Do I feel American?
Yeah.
Or do you still feel Russian?
Gosh, I, oh, I'm gonna be so, sotired.
Come on.
Just share it.
Give it to me.
We can take it.
Okay.
(17:00):
Well here's the thing.
Yes.
My citizenship is in heaven.
Oh, I love it.
No, I, I feel that, I am nolonger Russian in the way you
think of Russian, but yet I'mRussian.
I have not thought of it ofmyself as American, but there
are so many things in America Ilove, and I said that such will
(17:23):
tell me.
I want hear about, oh mygoodness, the stuff that you
love.
Um, you know, I love thatAmerican people actually quite
pure hearted.
Like that's one of the thingsthat always has amazed me is
that I'm met so many people thatgenuinely love the truth, to
people who cannot repay themback.
I love that part.
America, I think statisticallyspeaking, America is actually
(17:47):
the most generous country in theworld.
Like the amount of sort of acontribution to charitable
organizations around the worldper capita is the greatest in
America, which is interesting.
It's very interesting.
Yeah.
So, so I love that.
I love that in America there isa deep sense of, um, uh, respect
(18:07):
for, for hard work and labor.
At least compared to Russia andsome other countries that I've
witnessed.
You know, um, another thing Ilove about America is that, uh,
you can sort of, uh, be weird.
It's okay to be weird.
Okay.
Uhhuh, it's okay to be weird,you know?
(18:27):
Well, I mean, to an extent, butthere's that like, it's, it's
okay, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Just to express yourself inmm-hmm.
How the way you choose.
Yeah.
That's interesting because Ifeel as though in Europe mm-hmm.
Uh, there's an even strongersense of individuality, the way
you express yourself.
That here in the us.
Yeah.
I feel like in Russia there'squite a strong spirit of
(18:50):
conformity.
Mm-hmm.
Still.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and so, but I've never livedthe nerve, so I can't, I can't
tell you.
What do you think?
Well, the biggest challengesthat you've had to overcome in
settling down here in the us?
Making friends, figuring out mypurpose in life.
(19:15):
Um, motherhood.
Oh my goodness.
Motherhood.
Yes.
Ah, wherever you are.
Yeah.
That's tough.
But I think it's especiallytough here because I think
America's just not, does notreally have appreciation for
motherhood, unfortunately.
Do you think so?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, I think those areprobably the biggest challenge.
(19:39):
Making friends.
Making friends.
Yeah.
Figuring out my purpose becausethere's so many choices and I'm
interested in everything.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
Wow, that's incredible.
Do you think moving to the UShas changed you for the way Oh,
absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
In what ways do you think it'schanged you?
(20:02):
Uh, uh, it taught me humility.
That was a hard lesson.
Um, and one, I'm still sort ofon the path of discovering
because I really felt like I wassomebody in Russia.
And then I came very, do youmean like a sense of importance?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And I went from being somebodyto be nobody.
(20:23):
Ah.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
So that was interesting.
Yeah.
And kinda like shedding some ofthat somebody status and really
figuring out who I am, in theLord, in my relationships and
what, what do I value aboutmyself?
Um, yeah.
(20:44):
So that was, that was good.
Was that an imposed change orwas that something that was more
spiritually led?
I'm trying to understand, forexample, why could you not have
brought your sense ofimportance, the sense of who you
were, that understanding of whoyou were then everything you had
worked.
(21:04):
Such?
Good question.
Good question.
Um, uh.
Honestly, um, I could bring itand I did bring it, but nobody
cared.
Ah-huh.
Okay.
So it's this thing aboutidentity.
(21:25):
I'll give you Yeah.
I'll give you an example.
Um, so, so the college I went tofor my undergrad was like the
Harvard of Russia, like if Imeet the Russian speaking person
in America today, and I tellthem where I go to where I went
to school, everybody instantlyknows what the school is.
Okay.
But when I say to pretty muchanybody else, Moscow State
University, what is this?
(21:48):
Oh, it's a state school, it'snothing.
Mm-hmm.
Nobody knows.
Nobody cares.
And it's kinda like that, youknow?
Um, and, and too, I think therewas a moment like before I got
my degrees here to where I, Icome from a very intellectual
family.
Yes.
So when we read a lot, um.
(22:09):
Me less so than the rest of myfamily, like philosophy,
mathematics, like we werewilling to all that stuff.
Um, but because I didn't havethe vocabulary, and also there's
not a whole lot of interest inlike deep thinking in America.
Mm-hmm.
Like for example, I would bringsomething up, which I thought
was interesting or relevant andpeople would have no idea what
(22:30):
I'm talking about.
Okay.
I've experienced that.
You know, it's almost like, haveyou heard these comparisons?
How, um, uh, sculptors mm-hmm.
They don't come up with an ideaand they look for a piece of
marble to carve it out?
No, they look, they take a pieceof marble and they'll circle and
circle, and then they will seethe statue Okay.
(22:54):
Inside the marble, and then theycarve it out.
Right.
So I feel like the process oftherapy is actually, there's a
lot of chiseling For sure.
A lot of healing that needs tohappen.
Right.
But in the process of thathealing, dealing with our stuff,
right.
Uh, we're chisel.
(23:15):
With it and it actually makes itbrighter.
Mm-hmm.
Chiseling out the beauty withit.
Yeah.
That's what, that's, that's whatI do.
That's why I'm so passionate.
About my craft is I like it.
Somebody did that for me.
All my goodness.
Oh, amen.
Dasha, that is such an amazingnote to end on.
I feel like I want to keeptalking to you because there's
(23:38):
just still so much more, so manyother things that you said that
I want to pull out.
I feel like we should have around two.
I feel like I don't want tofinish because we still have our
nibbles, we've got ourpineapples, we've got our matcha
tea.
You've got your laqua water andyour loosely tea.
I need to learn to say it What?
(23:59):
Like what?
Okay.
Okay.
That's not what I call it.
I think Americans say la Croixwe've got our cookies and I feel
like I want to stay hereforever.
It's been lovely.
Thank you so much.
It has been lovely.
What a privilege.
And I love what you do.
Please keep on going.
Ah, thank you.
(24:20):
I'll do my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm still learning.
Thank you so much, expat womenfor joining me today.
I hope you enjoyed what Dashaand I shared with you.
I think for me, the key message,the big takeaway that I get from
Dasha is that you are not toomuch you might be in the wrong
(24:45):
environment., The other thingthat I learned from.
Dasha is the fact thatacculturation is a painful
experience for so many of us,and you don't have to navigate
it alone because you can starttherapy.
You can seek spiritual communityfor support, and building
(25:10):
international friendships.
Are not luxuries.
These are lifelines with peoplewho understand what you are
going through because theythemselves are going through it.
I'm going to share some toolsand strategies with you on the
next Friday episode so that youcan finally begin to enjoy the
(25:32):
life that you want to create.
That's it from me.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Bye-bye.
If you've ever felt like the bigfish in the wrong tank, this
conversation will help youunderstand why.
You are going to learn themindset shifts and practical
insights that every expat womanneeds to create community
connection and a true sense ofhome in the United States.
(00:21):
Welcome to starting over in theUSA, the Expat Woman's Guide to
overcoming homesickness,embracing cultural differences,
and creating a new home awayfrom home.
On this podcast, we talk aboutleaving behind the familiar, you
know, the pangs of homesicknessand culture shock to the
journeys of reinventingyourself.
(00:43):
I'm Yolanda Reshemah.
And after relocating six times,I know firsthand what it's like
to start from scratch, feelinglike both a foreign child and a
foreign adult in a new world.
This is a replay of an earlierepisode that I wanted to bring
back and include the bits that Ihad previously edited because
(01:08):
this is about friendship andwe've been talking about
friendships the last fewepisodes, I want you to hear
what my guest Dasha has to sayabout her Journey from small
town rejection to San Franciscoconnections, and it shows me
that the expat experience comesto all of us.
Your origin, doesn't make youimmune to it.
(01:31):
You just need some strategiesand tools to help you work
through it.
So listen to this.
You are joining partway throughthe conversation.
When I was a little girl livingin the Soviet Union and my
grandmother, for one reason oranother was obsessed with
America, and she kept tellingme, someday you should marry an
(01:54):
American guy.
And my father would get angry ather because we don't have any
Americans.
Where is she gonna find anAmerican guy?
Lo and behold, in 1999, Istarted going to church that had
American missionaries workingUhhuh there.
And so two years later, in 2001,I met my future husband.
(02:16):
His name is Seth and we datedsort of for a little bit and
then he returned to America.
And I had to face a choice toeither break off the
relationship or come to Americasomehow to see if it would work.
So I managed with Lord's help tosecure a student visa.
To go to a Bible school inAmerica for a year and yeah, and
(02:38):
I landed in Lubbock, Texas.
So I didn't really think ofAmerica at first as a place
live.
It wasn't America, that reallydrew you because you didn't
really need to come.
No, and the thing is, so we'retalking about 2003 things were
great in Russia at the time.
I think things were going reallywell.
(03:00):
Russia was succeedingeconomically.
We still had all of ourfreedoms, but there was less
chaos.
So those were like the goldenyears, like the early two
thousands for the golden yearsof Russia in where there were so
many opportunities that therewas really no need for me to be
in America other than to checkout this relationship.
(03:22):
Tell me about when you startedliving here.
Mm-hmm.
After you got married, obviouslyit worked out.
Has life in America panned outthe way you expected or hoped,
oh, interesting question.
So I guess yes and no.
I definitely appreciated that; Ithink one thing I love about
(03:45):
America is that I can truly bemyself here.
even more so than in Russia,what do you mean by that, when
you say you can be yourselfhere?
I can say what I wanna say, Ican wear what I want to wear.
I actually shed a lot ofcultural expectations that came
with being a woman in Russia,and I feel quite sort of
(04:07):
liberated in many ways, uh,living in America.
At the same time, it has notbeen an easy journey because
living in Texas, for example,was very hard, because I think
there's a certain culture thatis associated with a Christian
woman living in the south.
They have this famous thing,sugar and spice and everything
(04:29):
nice.
Right, right.
I only have spice.
Okay.
All that.
No sugar.
A little, a little bit of sugara lot of spice.
I.
So, um, spice is good.
We need spice.
Spice is good, but I, but I, Ididn't quite measure up on
(04:49):
everything Nice.
And so kind was kinda likeostracized.
I had trouble making friends.
Ah, um, think they, they judgedme and I think they saw me in a
certain light, which wascompletely inaccurate, but yeah.
Oh, so that was difficult.
And then I tried to makerelationship with.
The Russian speaking community,which was great in that in
(05:09):
Lubbock because we had a groupof friends.
But once we moved to Dallas,that two did not materialize for
me either.
So you struggled to makeconnections?
Absolutely.
And to establish a tribe,because that is what keeps us
here to some degree, because ithelps us to establish a new home
(05:30):
and to surround ourselves withpeople who can care for us
because we don't have ourfamilies here.
And for our mental health.
Absolutely.
And for our stability, our senseof belonging, you are looking
back at earlier years, but nowhave you been more successful in
establishing a frame?
Well, I've definitely learned alot of things.
(05:53):
In my first five years of livingin that small town, and one of
the most important things I'velearned about myself or my
limitations, there are justcertain things I cannot do, and
it's really healthy, I think, toknow your limitations, like I
cannot live in a small town.
Like that's, that's a no-go forme, because they already have an
(06:13):
established framework orrelationship.
You cannot break into that evenif you lay your life down.
I tried.
It's not possible.
Uh.
When we moved to Dallas, whichis a metroplex, you know, it's a
bigger city.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
I was eventually able to find mytribe.
But what I discovered is thatrelationships in America,
(06:34):
especially with Americans,, takea lot of intentionality.
You have to pursue thoserelationships with energy and
passion.
Otherwise you won't have any.
I feel like in many countries, Idon't know about England, but in
Russia, relationships emergeorganically.
Yes.
They just emerged.
(06:55):
They just happened.
Not in America.
In America, you have to schedulethings.
You have to arrange, you know,because everybody's so schedule
driven and everybody's schedulesare so filled up.
Mm-hmm.
That you have to plan everythingway ahead.
You need to make sure you invitepeople, you need to make sure
you sort of cater the event.
(07:15):
To the way people are used to.
Very funny example, we wouldhost.
Uh, birthday parties for ourkids and we would invite our
American and Russian friends.
Let's say birthday parties at 10Americans show up at 9: 45, stay
until 11 and leave.
Mm-hmm.
Well come noon is when theRussians show up and they never
(07:37):
leave.
So we were used to having thislike two parties, essentially an
all day event.
Yeah.
Uh, and so it's stuff like thatyou, you have to understand how
the culture works and I, I thinkthe general vibe in America is
that, like we don't talk aboutit, especially in San Francisco,
(07:57):
but it's true.
We as Americans expect otherpeople to acculturate.
Mm.
That's interesting.
So I feel like diversity, atleast when it comes to
international people, is a bitof a misnomer.
You're either acculturate or youstay in your cultural community
of origin.
There's really not a whole lotof people that will across that
(08:20):
gap.
Mm.
For you, if it makes sense.
Yes, it does make sense.
Hmm.
You said you've acculturated, sohave you retained some parts of
your culture and is that reallyimportant for you Mm-hmm.
I think the importance of itsort of has shifted for me in
(08:40):
recent years, especially since Iand my kids have been growing.
There are definitely parts ofRussian culture that I value
very much; I love Russianlanguage.
I love Russian literature,music.
There's so many foods and littletraditions that we have now.
Unfortunately, I only was ableto bring so much into my
(09:01):
household because it was like aswimming upstream it, it was
always a battle for me.
So I would say that there aredefinitely parts of Russian
culture I really do value now.
Uh, what I actually value alsois like the redeemed Soviet
culture that I've found,especially in San Francisco.
(09:23):
And what is that?
This was not the case.
But ideally, Soviet Union wasdesigned as this community of
friendship between all thesedifferent nations that comprised
the Soviet Union, 15 differentrepublics.
We have it here in SanFrancisco.
That dream came true in SanFrancisco.
So truly, if you speak Russiansomewhere, um, and there's a
(09:46):
person from Uzbekistan,Kazakhstan, you have an instant
connection.
And so a lot of my friends hereare Ukrainian Jews, Tadjiks or,
or Uzbeks of Russians, orRussians or whatever, right?
So it's kinda like that, thatsort of a unity that we share in
(10:07):
the Soviet culture in its bestexpressions.
Um, became evident in SanFrancisco and I love that.
If you could change anything.
Or rather, that's not thequestion I want to ask you.
I think the question I want toask you is what do you wish you
knew about the US before movinghere, if anything about the US
(10:35):
specifically?
Um, or just about transitioninginto a life here.
Can I have two?
Of course.
As many as you want.
Uh, first of all, I would'vemoved here right away.
Uh, Texas is not a good placefor Oh, you mean you would've
moved to San Fran?
I would've moved to San, I wouldmove to San Francisco.
That is much more diverse, muchmore welcoming to immigrants.
(10:59):
Um, so that's one.
Or New York or somewhere atChicago.
Um, uh, number two, uh, this ismore of a personal, um, I would
want to start therapy rightaway.
Because there's so much to thisprocess of acculturation and
there's so much pain, um, thatto have somebody guide me
(11:23):
through it would've been great.
So the therapy for yourself?
For me, yes.
I would've started therapy forme.
Um, and then another one, uh,which actually did a good job on
that one, but, um, but still isa good advice.
Uh, I would be very intentionalabout my spiritual community and
(11:45):
I would really look for a legitspiritual community and not
settle for sort of, but, youknow, not settle.
I'll just leave it.
Right.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Going back to the therapy.
Yeah.
You said you would've startedtherapy immediately.
What did you need or what didyou get from therapy?
(12:06):
And I asked that questionbecause it's quite a nosy,
invasive question, especially toa therapist.
Oh my goodness.
Absolutely.
Because I want other people whomight be listening to consider
what they need to be aware of.
Yeah.
And they're not gonna be able toget that from me.
They can only get that from mebecause I don't have that
insight.
Mm-hmm.
(12:27):
Possibly.
So what did you get fromtherapy?
Or what did you need You know, Iactually remember, so I went
into therapy when I was incollege.
So it was already five yearsinto, uh, my master's degree,
uh, five years into my, uh, lifein America.
I was coming out of two years ofdepression.
(12:47):
And I remember I was talking tomy therapist and, uh, I remember
that session so vividly where Iwas trying, basically my
question was, what is wrong withme?
I need you to tell me what iswrong with me.
Because I don't know how tobuild relationships here.
People don't like me, so I needyou to tell me what's wrong with
(13:09):
me so I can correct it.
Mm-hmm.
And I can be better.
Right.
And I, I remember she was sokind and she was so patient and
she didn't placate me.
She didn't sort of, uh, but shealso didn't coddle me, you know?
But she used this comparison ofbeing kinda like a bright fish
(13:33):
in a tank.
She said, there is, there's alot of you.
You're just a lot.
And I am, I'm a lot, she said.
But we are in the southern smalltown culture.
We're being, I mean, you can bea lot in a certain kind of way
in a Texas kind of way, but ifyou're a lot in any other kind
(13:53):
of way, you basicallyautomatically get ejected from
the system.
And she said, you have a choice.
You know, she said, she said,you can either shed your scales
and become like the rest of thefish, or you can just find a
(14:14):
different pond, find a differentpond.
And that's what I did.
You know, I found a differentpond.
Uh, and I don't, I mean this isprobably sounds I a narcissistic
name at all, but, but it's sortof a, um, again, the, the, the,
you know, and there's so manypeople I love in Texas, like my
(14:34):
in-laws and, you know, otherpeople that I met there.
But, but again, like if, if youdon't conform to that culture,
that's it.
That's it for you, right?
And so, um, I would recommend ifyou feel like fish out of the
water in America.
(14:54):
Look for different pond, butalso look for a good therapist
who can also tell you somethings.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
And then the other portion thatwas really important is she
really started speaking to meabout how direct I am that I
needed to tone it down, that Ineeded to learn to be less
direct and to be kinder with myspeech, choose my words, you
(15:16):
know, I needed to preface thingsmore instead of just kind of
like saying it, Russians arevery direct.
Right.
Get to the point quickly.
To get to the point quickly.
And so she, she really helped meto sort of that change my skills
a little bit, but to retain myidentity and also to help me
figure out I'm in the wrongpond.
(15:38):
I needed a different pond.
So, and eventually I found pond.
Wow.
That is, that is sage advice.
Mm-hmm.
Change your scale, change yourscale.
But to retain your identity,which sounds to me like an art
form, but that's what therapydoes.
(15:58):
That's what we do.
So where is your sense of home?
Where is home?
Oh, home is here Home.
Well actually, you know, homeis, uh, where my family is.
You know, I kind of, um, stoppedholding on to cities or houses,
you know?
Um, so it could be anywhere, itcould be wherever you happen to
(16:19):
be at that moment in time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But this is where you are rightnow.
Yeah.
I actually feel called to SanFrancisco.
The Lord sort of repeatedly haveshowed me that he wants us here
and, um, I own it.
I, San Francisco is home.
Um, there are many things I loveabout the city.
Maybe things I do not.
Mm-hmm.
(16:40):
Let's going through somechallenges right now.
Yeah.
But it is home.
Mm-hmm.
Do you feel American?
Do I feel American?
Yeah.
Or do you still feel Russian?
Gosh, I, oh, I'm gonna be so, sotired.
Come on.
Just share it.
Give it to me.
We can take it.
Okay.
(17:00):
Well here's the thing.
Yes.
My citizenship is in heaven.
Oh, I love it.
No, I, I feel that, I am nolonger Russian in the way you
think of Russian, but yet I'mRussian.
I have not thought of it ofmyself as American, but there
are so many things in America Ilove, and I said that such will
(17:23):
tell me.
I want hear about, oh mygoodness, the stuff that you
love.
Um, you know, I love thatAmerican people actually quite
pure hearted.
Like that's one of the thingsthat always has amazed me is
that I'm met so many people thatgenuinely love the truth, to
people who cannot repay themback.
I love that part.
America, I think statisticallyspeaking, America is actually
(17:47):
the most generous country in theworld.
Like the amount of sort of acontribution to charitable
organizations around the worldper capita is the greatest in
America, which is interesting.
It's very interesting.
Yeah.
So, so I love that.
I love that in America there isa deep sense of, um, uh, respect
(18:07):
for, for hard work and labor.
At least compared to Russia andsome other countries that I've
witnessed.
You know, um, another thing Ilove about America is that, uh,
you can sort of, uh, be weird.
It's okay to be weird.
Okay.
Uhhuh, it's okay to be weird,you know?
(18:27):
Well, I mean, to an extent, butthere's that like, it's, it's
okay, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Just to express yourself inmm-hmm.
How the way you choose.
Yeah.
That's interesting because Ifeel as though in Europe mm-hmm.
Uh, there's an even strongersense of individuality, the way
you express yourself.
That here in the us.
Yeah.
I feel like in Russia there'squite a strong spirit of
(18:50):
conformity.
Mm-hmm.
Still.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and so, but I've never livedthe nerve, so I can't, I can't
tell you.
What do you think?
Well, the biggest challengesthat you've had to overcome in
settling down here in the us?
Making friends, figuring out mypurpose in life.
(19:15):
Um, motherhood.
Oh my goodness.
Motherhood.
Yes.
Ah, wherever you are.
Yeah.
That's tough.
But I think it's especiallytough here because I think
America's just not, does notreally have appreciation for
motherhood, unfortunately.
Do you think so?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, I think those areprobably the biggest challenge.
(19:39):
Making friends.
Making friends.
Yeah.
Figuring out my purpose becausethere's so many choices and I'm
interested in everything.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
Wow, that's incredible.
Do you think moving to the UShas changed you for the way Oh,
absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
In what ways do you think it'schanged you?
(20:02):
Uh, uh, it taught me humility.
That was a hard lesson.
Um, and one, I'm still sort ofon the path of discovering
because I really felt like I wassomebody in Russia.
And then I came very, do youmean like a sense of importance?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And I went from being somebodyto be nobody.
(20:23):
Ah.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
So that was interesting.
Yeah.
And kinda like shedding some ofthat somebody status and really
figuring out who I am, in theLord, in my relationships and
what, what do I value aboutmyself?
Um, yeah.
(20:44):
So that was, that was good.
Was that an imposed change orwas that something that was more
spiritually led?
I'm trying to understand, forexample, why could you not have
brought your sense ofimportance, the sense of who you
were, that understanding of whoyou were then everything you had
worked.
(21:04):
Such?
Good question.
Good question.
Um, uh.
Honestly, um, I could bring itand I did bring it, but nobody
cared.
Ah-huh.
Okay.
So it's this thing aboutidentity.
(21:25):
I'll give you Yeah.
I'll give you an example.
Um, so, so the college I went tofor my undergrad was like the
Harvard of Russia, like if Imeet the Russian speaking person
in America today, and I tellthem where I go to where I went
to school, everybody instantlyknows what the school is.
Okay.
But when I say to pretty muchanybody else, Moscow State
University, what is this?
(21:48):
Oh, it's a state school, it'snothing.
Mm-hmm.
Nobody knows.
Nobody cares.
And it's kinda like that, youknow?
Um, and, and too, I think therewas a moment like before I got
my degrees here to where I, Icome from a very intellectual
family.
Yes.
So when we read a lot, um.
(22:09):
Me less so than the rest of myfamily, like philosophy,
mathematics, like we werewilling to all that stuff.
Um, but because I didn't havethe vocabulary, and also there's
not a whole lot of interest inlike deep thinking in America.
Mm-hmm.
Like for example, I would bringsomething up, which I thought
was interesting or relevant andpeople would have no idea what
(22:30):
I'm talking about.
Okay.
I've experienced that.
You know, it's almost like, haveyou heard these comparisons?
How, um, uh, sculptors mm-hmm.
They don't come up with an ideaand they look for a piece of
marble to carve it out?
No, they look, they take a pieceof marble and they'll circle and
circle, and then they will seethe statue Okay.
(22:54):
Inside the marble, and then theycarve it out.
Right.
So I feel like the process oftherapy is actually, there's a
lot of chiseling For sure.
A lot of healing that needs tohappen.
Right.
But in the process of thathealing, dealing with our stuff,
right.
Uh, we're chisel.
(23:15):
With it and it actually makes itbrighter.
Mm-hmm.
Chiseling out the beauty withit.
Yeah.
That's what, that's, that's whatI do.
That's why I'm so passionate.
About my craft is I like it.
Somebody did that for me.
All my goodness.
Oh, amen.
Dasha, that is such an amazingnote to end on.
I feel like I want to keeptalking to you because there's
(23:38):
just still so much more, so manyother things that you said that
I want to pull out.
I feel like we should have around two.
I feel like I don't want tofinish because we still have our
nibbles, we've got ourpineapples, we've got our matcha
tea.
You've got your laqua water andyour loosely tea.
I need to learn to say it What?
(23:59):
Like what?
Okay.
Okay.
That's not what I call it.
I think Americans say la Croixwe've got our cookies and I feel
like I want to stay hereforever.
It's been lovely.
Thank you so much.
It has been lovely.
What a privilege.
And I love what you do.
Please keep on going.
Ah, thank you.
(24:20):
I'll do my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm still learning.
Thank you so much, expat womenfor joining me today.
I hope you enjoyed what Dashaand I shared with you.
I think for me, the key message,the big takeaway that I get from
Dasha is that you are not toomuch you might be in the wrong
(24:45):
environment., The other thingthat I learned from.
Dasha is the fact thatacculturation is a painful
experience for so many of us,and you don't have to navigate
it alone because you can starttherapy.
You can seek spiritual communityfor support, and building
(25:10):
international friendships.
Are not luxuries.
These are lifelines with peoplewho understand what you are
going through because theythemselves are going through it.
I'm going to share some toolsand strategies with you on the
next Friday episode so that youcan finally begin to enjoy the
(25:32):
life that you want to create.
That's it from me.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Bye-bye.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.