#44. Why You’re Missing Intention in Your Expat Friendship Journey & How to Fix It

For every expat woman who's asked herself, Is it me? Am I the problem? I recorded this one just for you.

No. It’s not you. It’s the journey you take when you move into a new country, town, and social circle.

The problem isn’t your personality—it’s the hidden assumptions, unintentional patterns, and narrow circles that quietly make new friendships feel impossible for women starting over in a new country.

You’ll learn:

• How to redefine connections on your terms
• Why and how to cast your net wider with intention
• How to surround yourself with a community that sees your soul, not just your story

Press play now to discover the mindset shifts and practical insights every expat woman needs to create community, connection, and a true sense of home in the United States.

Share your thoughts on your immigration experience in the USA.

This compelling podcast dives into expat and immigrant stories—women and men who’ve immigrated to the USA, tackling the struggles of homesickness, identity crisis, and culture shock while adjusting to expat life and navigating cultural differences. Through conversations on starting over, reinventing yourself, and finding purpose, it highlights success stories of women’s tenacity and the resilience of expats in the USA. It offers insights into bicultural identity, language barriers, and the challenges of living overseas, while emphasizing the importance of a strong support system and wellbeing for women in pursuit of the American dream.

https://www.instagram.com/theplaces_wecallhome

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
We are talking about somethingtender, something real.
What happens when your firstattempts at Friendship as an
expat woman doesn't work out.
When you've tried the meetups,the coffee chats, the parent
groups, and still feel unseen.
welcome to starting over in theUSA, the Expat Woman's Guide to

(00:23):
overcoming Homesickness,embracing cultural Differences,
and creating a new home awayfrom home.
On this podcast, we talk aboutleaving behind the familiar, the
pangs of homesickness andculture shock to the journeys of
reinventing yourself.
I'm Yolanda Reshemah.
After relocating six times, Iknow firsthand what it's like to

(00:46):
start from scratch feeling likeboth a foreign child and an
adult in a new world.
This episode is for every expertwoman who's asked herself, is it
me?
Is there a problem with me?
No, there is not.
It is the journey.
We are going to honor thatjourney.

(01:08):
You learn how to redefineconnections, on your terms and
cast your net wider withintention, how to surround
yourself with a community thatsees your soul, not just your
story.
When I first moved to the US Ihad this quiet expectation that
friendship would just happen.

(01:30):
I'd show up at a playground, achurch event, a local meetup,
and boom, I would find somebodyto connect with and we would
become friends but it didn'twork like that.
I remember feeling cooped upwith baby while my husband was
at work and just thinking, thisisn't healthy.

(01:52):
This is not sustainable.
So I joined some parentsexercise groups But.
We didn't click.
I kept trying.
I kept showing up, but somethingfelt off.
Eventually after one too manycomplaints.
My husband said something thatchanged everything, he said,

(02:19):
they're clearly not your people.
Stop hanging out with them.
You are making yourself and mein miserable.
He was completely right.
He was right.
I was chasing connectionswithout any clarity whatsoever.
Here's the one thing I know nowthat I didn't know before.

(02:44):
Friendship requires intention,but I didn't have a title for
it, but back then I realizedthat if I'm going to stop, that
means pausing.
So I pause.
I started looking inwards.
I asked Myself, what kind offriendships am I looking for?

(03:06):
This is a real true process thatI went through and I've said it
over and over a few times, and Ido recommend it for you as well
expat woman, do I want someonewho I could just go on a walk
with somebody to talk books andideas with, or do I want

(03:28):
somebody to ring my doorbellwhen I've gone quiet for too
long?
I hadn't asked those questionsbefore and I didn't know that I
needed to, but once I did,everything shifted.
I realized that I needed peoplewho were well traveled, who were
culturally diverse, people whowere curious, people who would

(03:50):
not just tell me aboutthemselves, but would ask
questions about me.
I wanted people who were kindand just straight up old
fashioned friendly, who knew howto have a conversation.
I also realized that I wouldn'tfind all of these traits in one
person or find what I'm lookingfor in one organization.

(04:16):
I had to cast my net so verywide, and I did, I went to
church for spiritual nourishmentbecause that's extremely
important to me.
I did pro bono work forintellectual stimulation.
I took a post-grad course forcultural diversity and to

(04:37):
experience teamwork.
I met so many students, all agesfrom early to mid twenties, up
to late fifties, and they wereafter the same thing.
We were learning new skills andgetting a new qualification to
progress our career of just forthe hell of it.

(05:00):
We went out once a month.
We had fun together.
I feel like it brought healingin some way, but it gave me a
lot of confidence and my, my cupwas filled right.
The benefit of pouring myselfinto these different

(05:20):
environments is, each of themgave me so much.
I was investing in myself.
I was also taking care of myselfin so many different ways.
Each space fed a different partof me, and slowly the loneliness
just begun to lift.
I started feeling so muchhappier about myself, and that

(05:43):
is where things startedchanging.
Now let's look at casting thenet wider.
I was having coffee with thisguy I was doing some volunteer
work with, and as we weresitting there at this mall, a

(06:05):
friend of his walk pass and hewaved at her and said hi.
And they had a few words inexchange, you know, across the
way as people were walking by.
And I was sat in there lookingat him and then looking at her
and just looking at the joy ontheir faces.
And I thought, oh, she's got areally lovely smile.
So I turned to him and said, oh,who is she?

(06:27):
What's her name?
She looks really lovely, and hesaid, yeah, she's really lovely.
I said, I think I'd like to getto know her.
So I waved at her and Iintroduced myself.
I said, hi, how are you?
And a few months later heconnected us.
That woman is now a pretty goodfriend of mine, so she also

(06:48):
introduced me to her circle offriends, and it has been
beautiful.
I didn't see that coming.
I didn't expect it, but I wascompletely open, it wasn't
planned.
I had to let go of myassumptions about who my friends

(07:09):
should be, what they should looklike, what boxes they ought to
take, and that changedeverything.
So here's what I've learned.
This gift of friendship has tobe completely mutual and treated

(07:30):
as something that's sacred.
If you offer your gift offriendship, but they do not in
return, that's a red flag andit's not going to work.
If they don't return calls, ifthey're not curious about who
you are, it is not going towork.

(07:52):
This gift of friendship, It alsotakes time.
So before you settle into thismindset of, oh, this person is
now my best friend, you need tomeet their friends, see how they
respond to you.
Are they welcoming?
Are they open?
Because if they're not, it maynot work out.

(08:14):
It took me years to find mytribe, and now because they're
beautifully varied in race andorigin and language and just in
general spirit, the way humanbeings are supposed to be.
We feed each other in so manydifferent ways.

(08:38):
We are funny, we are sadSometimes we, uh, lounge around
the house and not want to move,not want to go out.
We talk about our kids, we talkabout our family.
We talk, talk about ouraspirations.
We just do life.
We talk about our business goalsand other aspirations, and the

(09:00):
things we are stuck on, thethings that hurt us to the core.
We are prepared to be vulnerablewith each other.
It took me years.
To find these people, and noneof them are at all what I
imagined.
They weren't fascinated at allby my accent or my career my

(09:24):
culture.
They were simply interested in afellow soul and spirit.
Here's my takeaway for you.
Expect women first, don't giveup.
Put aside your assumptions abouteducation, culture, and
language, and all thedefinitions of who you want to

(09:47):
be friends with, how much theyshould earn, all that sort of
stuff I would recommend youconsider the character of the
human being in front of youfirst.
The third thing, cast, your netfar and wide.
I've repeated this a few timesthat I can't help but say it
again and again.
Check out different communities,check out different towns and

(10:10):
villages.
Go to open mic sessions wherepoetry might be the thing, or
maybe it's whatever, you know,just go with something
different.
You'll be so fascinated by thepeople you meet and the
characters.
I have met this lady in myshared work space by the name of

(10:32):
Marissa.
Marissa is colorful and happy.
She is full of life.
I would never have met her.
Had I not joined this sharedspace community?

(10:52):
So be open to the souls who canfeed you and who are open enough
to let you share into theirlife.
That means they're prepared tobe as vulnerable as you are.
Now, next week I'm thinking itwould be great to explore how

(11:15):
expect women redefinefriendships in midlife across
borders and time zones andlanguages.
I don't know if it's possible,but I'm going to try.
Tell me what kind of friendshipare you craving right now and
what assumptions might yourelease to find it?

(11:37):
Until then, take care ofyourself.
Take care of your heart.
Remember, friendship is a giftand you are worthy of receiving
it.
If it is not offered, don'tchase it.
That's it from me.
Enjoy your day.