March 6, 2025 • 24 mins
David mines his relationship with his dad for material. He also shares a few tips from Gary Gulman's 366 Comedy Tips.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton and I'mso happy you're here.
This podcast, if you've juststumbled on it, is an audio
chronicle of my quest to learnand master from scratch the most
terrifying, exciting art formon earth stand-up comedy.
I've been doing it for a littlebit, some months now, and it's
(00:22):
going slowly.
But we're making progress andin this episode I try to make
progress by milking myrelationship with my father.
So we're gonna dive into it andsee what comedy can be gleaned
from a man they call Golden Toe.
(00:43):
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:12):
That's rubbish, that's rubbish.
I'm reading gary goldman's 366bits of wisdom, advice and
encouragement.
Gary goldman is a greatstand-up guy who's been around
and he did 366 of these tips andI've read them all.
They're so overwhelming becauseyou're kind of not doing a lot
of them so they're having thatbackfire where I want to quit.
I'm going to quit the wholething.
This is it.
(01:32):
I'm quitting Bye.
A couple ones that stand out.
Tip number 102 from GaryGoldman it will take, between
three parentheses, unlikely and15 years likely, to feel like
you know what you're doing.
Write as if you only have sixmonths.
This one he stole from BruceSpringsteen.
This is what Gary thinks ittakes to improve steadily
(01:57):
Believe that you are the baddestass in town and that you suck.
It keeps you honest.
That's Bruce.
Thank you, bruce.
That resonates.
Thank you, bruce.
That resonates with me.
Bruce Springsteen, thank you.
And finally, a third tip.
I'm not going to overwhelm youwith tips there's 366 of them
but this one also hit me.
When I believe quote that I amexactly where I'm supposed to be
(02:22):
, then I'm at peace and I'mproductive.
Thinking about what, who orwhere I should be mostly brought
anxiety, regret and despair.
Take a deep breath and say I amexactly where I'm supposed to
be.
It's funny that I just readthat where reading his 366 tips
made me despair and gave meanxiety and regret that I hadn't
(02:44):
applied all 366 simultaneouslyto everything I'd done.
So yeah, this is it.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed thatlittle taste of wisdom from the
great Gary Goldman, if you have.
If you don't know Gary Goldman,go Google him tonight when
you're taking a dump and watchlittle Gary Goldman on the on
the can.
I want to talk about my dad, mydad, old Jay-Z Walton Golden Toe
(03:11):
Walton, the old man feeling alot of tenderness for my dad.
He's in an old folks home.
Now Every time I talk to himhe's saying, david, I'm losing
my mind and uh, he is.
He's got uh dementia and heknows who he is and he knows
stuff.
But it's just this sort of big,powerful man who is, um, just
(03:36):
slowly, you know, wasting away.
He lies in bed all day.
I try to tell him what to watch.
We had a funny.
He loved love golf.
We bonded over golf our wholelife, um, and the other day I
was like dad.
We just hung for like 15minutes on the phone watching,
uh, the Genesis open which is atTorrey Pines.
(03:58):
Usually he's in LA but becauseof the fires it was at Torrey
Pines.
They did a great but anyway, sowe watch it.
I get him watching it and thenext day I'm like dad, there's,
it's the back nine, it's abeautiful day you gotta watch.
He's like I am watching it.
I just watched Freddie Couplestee off and I was like, oh shit,
he's watching like a tapedsenior open tournament on the
(04:19):
golf channel when the GenesisOpen was on NBC.
So he'd been watching like somererun of Senior Open or maybe
it was live, but either way itwas the wrong golf tournament
and he was just mesmerized, butthat made me laugh.
I don't know why.
There's something aboutdementia that's just very funny.
You know, it's dark, obviously,and sad and for those who've
(04:40):
gone through it, but I thinkthere's going to be a lot of uh,
fun and beautiful ways to kindof, you know, process the
passing of my father, um, theinevitable, uh, through comedy.
And I'm obsessed, like I thinkI've been writing his eulogy in
my head for like 10 years, eventhough he, you know, he's been
(05:01):
healthy most of his life.
Healthy is a very loose termand man enjoyed dessert.
But you know, I don't know ifanyone else has this, but
there's just I'm constantly justthinking of how do I, how am I
going to honor him?
What would I say?
You know, a father sonrelationship is obviously so
unique.
Each and every one of you, I'msure, has unique.
(05:27):
Each and every one of you, I'msure has it's.
It's incredibly profound, evenif somehow your relationship is
stilted or on the surface,doesn't?
You?
Don't go very deep.
I'm always trying to go deepwith my dad and I sort of given
up in the sense that he'scapable of it, but I'm always
looking for some like deepwisdom or philosophy that he's
been living by and I'm notfinding a ton.
Um, that's not to say that hewasn't a very, you know,
(05:49):
complicated guy who uh, justsort of wore his, who wears his
faults and temper and humannesson his sleeve, which I have a
ton of respect for, especiallyin the sort of modern age where
everyone's like pretending to bemuch more dealt with than they
are.
Um, and he just, he just waswho he is and he didn't hide
(06:11):
much, uh, from people and he wasprobably his own.
He is his own harshest critic,which always breaks my heart
because he was very hard onhimself.
And so there's this bit formingin my mind, um, because you
know, I think for a lot of us,the voice in our head is
actually the voice of ourparents, you know.
And so today I was doing a lotof exploration and writing about
(06:34):
what is the, what is this voicein my head?
That's hard on myself and andif you've listened, you know,
let's say, me just ripping onmyself after listening to a, a
stand set.
In many ways that voice is theenergy of my dad and I'm sure
his voice is the energy of hisparents.
(06:55):
It's sort of like the minuteyou start blaming your parent
for your problem, you basicallyhave to blame your entire
lineage back to like a stonedape.
It's like no one's fault, right?
So no one person's fault and itreally isn't anybody's fault.
So anyway, I've been exploringthat.
(07:15):
I made a little list of facts.
Val from the Comedy Cellar toldme to just don't underestimate
what the power of just facts andlisting facts about yourself or
about whatever topic you'regoing for and if the topic is my
dad, and you'll bear with me,I'm going to just list you some
facts about my dad.
He grew up in New Jersey, born1940.
(07:37):
He's a real estate broker.
His best friend stole his firstwife, which, as a little kid
you're like dad.
Your best friend stole yourfirst wife right, like with your
friends, you like waddle intohis room.
You've told your five-year-oldfriend it's a horrifically
heartbreaking fact, but it'sjust like I remember even my mom
(07:59):
.
My mom lost her first baby, youknow, when it was three days
old and it was.
You know, she was like 23.
And I remember, at six you'rejust completely oblivious to the
tragedy.
You're like like, yeah, my momher first baby died and then she
had, you know, like it's justlittle kids, it's very funny.
But anyway, my dad, um, hisspeaking of his younger brother
(08:19):
who I'm named after, died whenmy dad was 38.
Uncle David, my namesake, was,I think, 31.
He died of leg cancer.
My dad was ambitious.
My grandfather was not so much,but my dad definitely wanted to
be rich and was ready to makeit happen what I found from my
friends.
He was very trusty.
(08:40):
He was a gentleman businessmanit was a different time but
handshakes really did meaneverything and he did things
with honor and integrity.
He was old school, kind of thecomplete opposite of Trump, um,
and he loved golf but he sucked.
He was never better than a 16handicap.
Uh, he really liked to buy nicethings, as he's pared down and
(09:01):
were like auctioning off stuff.
You know, you look around andhe he it.
It was like you know, you knowyou look around and he he it.
It was like you know, it wasn'ta sort of look at me, he just
he just had an eye for nicethings and wanted them and he
wanted them enough and it's likethat sort of male thing that
seems to be almost going like.
It seems like everyone's buyingnice stuff now to like, like,
(09:22):
just pose, and there wassomething very just, true and
organic about the stuff hecollected.
There was dare I say it wassoulful what he surrounded
himself with, the objects thathe surrounded himself with,
including little figurines ofnaked women which are fun to
(09:43):
find.
I guess he really appreciatedthe female figure.
He never wore jeans but he wasa big bespoke suit from London
kind of guy, from Henry Poole,loved vacation and his whole
thing.
He was voted in high schoollaziest and thinks he's the best
(10:07):
looking, which I just found out.
She killed me.
He really thought.
I think he thinks the mostimportant thing in life is to be
a member of a good country cluband that's hilarious.
I think it would be like goodclub, good job, do a job where
the top 10% of the people make alot of money.
So if you're good, you'll makea lot of money.
(10:28):
And then third was marriage, inthat order Um, he had a big
shaking laugh.
As I said, he doesn't likehugging.
He doesn't like to say he lovesyou, never said.
I've never heard him say I loveyou to another guy.
We just started saying I juststart dropping I love you, dad.
Now, after calls and it's's.
He said it once back, I thinkonce, which was sweet, but he's
(10:52):
a real sweetheart.
He really is.
He's a caring guy, let's see,yeah, he was used to like you
know, most of his faults orthings you complain about is
just that he had that likeexecutive used to getting what
you want.
He had an old school secretary,joanne, who just did what he
wanted.
So he'd that like executiveused to getting what you want.
He had an old school secretary,joanne, who just did what he
wanted.
So he'd be like honey, clearout the house we're moving.
(11:14):
And he'd like sell the housewithout talking to his wife, my
mom, honey, I sold the house,let's move out.
Like that kind of vibe.
Um, there's funny things likehe, you know, I think with six
kids he wasn't getting a ton ofaction.
So I remember he would kick meout of.
There was one TV in the secondfloor growing up and all the
(11:36):
kids would go and watch thereand one time, you know he would.
Sometimes we'd watch Ask Jeevestogether, that great British.
He was a real Anglophile, lovedBritish culture, but sometimes
he liked French culture and whatI mean is he would be like
David, it's time for you toleave, and he would press play
on this very European film withsome.
It was definitely an erotic,like art house erotic film.
(11:58):
He was just feeling it and I'dbe like eight.
I'd be like, all right, dad,see you later.
And then I'd be like, andclearly he just, you know,
needed it.
He knew what he needed.
He was a vodka guy.
He'd always have one vod afterwork and then go Jan plan, but I
never seen him drunk.
But yeah, he was a realself-loather, you know, like
really hard on himself.
All his friends would make fatjokes about him and he would
(12:20):
just chuckle.
He never seemed to get offended.
He was about 240, 250, 63,pretty much my whole life.
I look at old pictures of himand yeah, it was like that time
in the late seventies, earlyeighties, like no one was doing
fitness videos.
One time I held his feet forhim to do sit-ups and I remember
it very clearly, like why areyou doing sit-ups?
This isn't doing anything, dad.
(12:42):
He was super impressed withcollege education credentials.
You know he was a real, he wasa real slut for like Ivy league
credentials and uh, his kidshave been working ironically all
went to Ivy league schools buthave been working, working hard
for him to not just, uh,overvalue people's, you know
resume type stuff, um, to seethe human behind the credentials
(13:04):
.
Um, what else?
Yeah, he uh, uh, he reallyloves history.
I mean, he's read so manyhistory books but at the same
time he was he's so pissed abouthis bad memory like this is
before dementia, like he justalways was really hard on
himself that he didn't have agood memory.
And if someone had a goodmemory he thought it was the
(13:24):
most amazing thing.
I remember we would go eatdinner it'd be like table for
nine and the whole family wouldgo to Charlie's at the Chester
Hill mall in Boston and he would.
There was this waiter there, weall remember it and she took
the order the nine person order,without writing it down, and my
dad was like good God, and hewas like, let me tell you
something that is.
And he gave her his card.
(13:45):
He was like come work for me.
I thought that was kind of fun.
Um, yeah, he paid for over ahundred years of private school
education, so that's prettyimpressive.
Um, he kind of waddles when hewalks.
There's some other stuff that'sa little more personal, but that
was kind of like the sort ofthe basic architecture of him.
I, you know, it's I.
I can list all those things andif you've never met him and you
(14:06):
don't know him uh, for many ofyou that's not, that is the case
I I'm very curious about what,what picture that paints in your
head.
Um, I don't know if I'll everfind out, but you know, it's
always when you're close to thetrees it's hard, to hard to know
, even in a description or instating those things, what, what
you see, and I imagine it'sprobably not really close to
what he is.
(14:26):
But but he was a handsome guy.
I you know he was.
He definitely thought maybehe's handsomer, but you know he
was a big boy.
Maybe I'll post a picture oneof these days, but anyway.
So I listed those facts and now,you know, as I try to sort of
develop standup material abouthim, you know, without, you know
, you know I really do want itto be filled with with love.
(14:49):
You know the love I have forhim, but at the same time, you
know, get revenge for all theways in which he's destroyed me.
No, but you know, there wassome of the things like.
One thing that stood out islike I was always been felt
shame for looking in the mirror.
I was always been felt shamefor looking in the mirror and
there was this very specificmoment when I was like I
(15:12):
probably nine or 10.
And I just I had this crush onthis girl named Heather Burke
and she was my first crush.
I was like dreaming about her,you know, like where you think
you're together and then youwake up and you're not together.
And it's like your first tasteof like real sadness, because in
the dream you were with her andthat was like 10 and Heather,
she's like your first taste oflike real sadness, because in
the dream you were with her andI was like 10 and Heather she's
like 13 and anyway, um, Iremember like looking in the
(15:35):
mirror and just being like, ohman, I think I might see Heather
today.
So like, let's get this hairtight.
And you know, you look at apicture of me when I'm 10.
It's just a disaster.
But, um, you know gettinggetting the hair tight.
And then he looked by and hegoes David, let me tell you.
But you know getting the hairtight.
And then he looked by and hegoes David.
Let me tell you a story.
You know what they say aPrinceton man is so insecure
(15:55):
that he stops every time he seesa mirror.
He has to stop and make sure helooks okay.
A Yale man doesn't want anyoneto know that he's insecure about
how he looks, so he steals aglance at the mirror and make
sure he looks okay.
And a Harvard man David, aHarvard man knows he looks good,
so he doesn't look at themirror, he just walks on by.
(16:15):
And so I hear this story and Idon't know that it's just such a
cringe story and just you know,as a little kid, you're like
okay, uh, all right, so I guessI should be a Harvard man.
Um, and so I.
But to this day there's like apang of if I'm in like a airport
bathroom and I take a piss andI go to the sink, like I'll like
(16:39):
not look in the mirror if otherpeople are in the bathroom,
like it's just even, and thenI'll again.
It's just like I know I'm doingit, but it's like that feeling.
It's like the vibration is inthere of embarrassment.
It's crazy.
I'm 46 years old and still.
And then the irony is I justabsolutely love looking in the
(17:02):
mirror.
Now, well, it's like we havemirrors in our house or my kids
are just like dancing in frontof the mirror and it's just like
you know, there's mirrorseverywhere and still embarrassed
in in in person, so there'ssome work there to to make that
into a joke for a stage.
Um, there's an irony with my dadbecause he was very generous in
(17:25):
the sense that whatever Iwanted to do, he would pay for.
If I wanted to play saxophone,I got a saxophone.
There was no resistance to mebecoming an actor, even though
he had no comprehension orunderstanding of what it was
about, and still doesn't.
After 20 years.
I'll still be like dad, I got apilot.
And he'll be like when can Isee it?
And you're like that's not howpilots work.
(17:46):
Pilots aren't on the air untilwe got to get picked up for
series and then just get like ablank look.
Um, so I've given up on tryingto get him to understand
anything about the entertainmentindustry.
However his sort of view, Istill have his eyes in my head,
essentially, and so there's avery interesting dichotomy I was
(18:07):
just talking to a friend aboutthis that you have this
conservative father and then mylife choices have been, you know
, very different than his, and Iwas in acting school in New
York and there's a popular warmup for your voice where you get
on the ground and you stick yourlegs in the air and now if I do
this on stage, I'll do it, andyou and you let your legs start
(18:30):
to shake.
It kind of looks like you'rehaving an epileptic seizure
while giving birth and you'remoaning because you're trying to
open up your voice.
So you're like and you havelike 19 people all on the ground
moaning with their legs in theair.
And I remember doing this whenI was like 20.
(18:51):
And I just I just saw my dadall of a sudden like looking at
me, being like I'm paying twogrand for what?
For this?
And it was extremely it just Ilost.
I got a cry, laughed alreadybecause it was so absurd.
But I got that perspective oflike my must be, like what have
I done?
How have I raised a son who isenjoying and pursuing this kind
(19:17):
of nonsense?
And I do remember getting myfirst show.
It was a Mike White who is thecreator of White Lotus, among
many other things.
It was.
His show was called Cracking.
It was my first break.
Cracking Up was Molly Shannon,jason Schwartzman, chris
McDonald and he visits set it'smy first set is like the most
amazing fun thing and he kind ofwanders around.
He sees how much I'm waitingaround, he sees for the first
(19:39):
time how television works andhe's like what are you going to
do to have some gravitas in yourlife?
That was his literal question.
After seeing it all, he's likeyou gonna really do?
And I was like no, no, I madeit.
And so it was like this veryfunny kind of I don't know, just
a just a complete lack ofunderstanding.
Uh, and so, weirdly, my entirelife, anytime I would announce
(20:02):
something very fun or somethingvery exciting, like, oh, dad, I
got a show.
You knew he was, you knew hewas like huh, and but it was
like always like well, how muchare you making?
Who's in it and can you?
When's it?
How long does this money haveto?
Last was basically what all hecared about, and so, or
seemingly to me.
(20:23):
But you know, look, all I'mdoing is constantly trying to
frame anything that good happensto me so that I can win his
love.
That's it, that's all it is.
So I'll just lie to him.
I'll be like oh, you know,double what I'm getting paid to
see if he'll love me more.
And then nothing.
(20:44):
I say it's like I'm getting 10million an episode and Steven
Spielberg is directing everyepisode, and I think his
response would be well, how longis that money gonna have to
last?
Yeah, so I'm excited to exploregetting on my back and
reenacting the shaking of mylegs on stage.
I think that will be fun.
I'm gonna do that at my nextopen mic and, um, I've got to
(21:09):
find a way to make the my dad'sattitude towards me comical,
because it is, and there's a wayto do it, and I just need to
get the lines like just the joke, the things he would say, um,
that are disapproving.
And then I think I can make myreaction to his disapproval
(21:30):
funny by, like it just churns meto like, keep trying to win his
approval.
I, I'm just gonna battle forhis love on stage.
I think there's some juicethere and I think I can.
I can, I can act out.
You know being ashamed oflooking in mirrors and I think
there's some jokes there.
(21:51):
So I'm hoping that, whatever mynext podcast episode where you
hear another open mic or aperformance, that there will be
some satisfaction for you forhearing this version of it and
then to see what ends uphappening.
If I did more podcast episodes,I'd probably take you through
the nuts and bolts of it.
(22:12):
But you know, I think I've justgot to really focus on the
actual work of getting on stage.
I'm really feeling good as anupdate.
I'm really feeling good thatI'm really matching the work I
want to do for the ultimate goal, which is to get a really good
10 minute performance together.
And whereas this podcast usedto take away and I feel like it
(22:36):
was like a completely differentproject, it's starting to merge
and I hope that's interesting toyou.
But anyway, and if not, go fuckyourself.
No, but I love you.
I'm going to leave you with alittle song.
I did some weird stuff today.
Maybe I'll throw a couple ofthese weirdnesses in just at the
end, if you're feeling it.
Anyway, see you next week.
Thank you so much.
Here's a few experimental ideas,please enjoy.
(23:00):
How are you?
How's things?
You had a good week, nice, yeah, it was good.
It was a good week.
Uh, it's been kind of niceweather, a little milder, snow
starting to melt, you know.
Yeah, the kids are great.
Yeah, the kids are doing well.
(23:21):
Seventh and fifth grade,they're fine.
Yeah, I don't know.
No plans to travel.
Um, heading to, uh, new Yorkand LA probably, but don't have
it set yet.
Yeah, how about you?
Oh, that's cool, that'll be fun.
Nice, oh yeah, I haven't beenthere, but I've heard it's nice.
(23:45):
Yeah, okay, you're going forthe whole whole vacation?
Yeah, well, you'll.
You're going for the wholevacation?
Yeah well, you'll need avacation from the vacation.
That's right.
Yeah, it is hard.
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What the world needs now is alove making, sweet lovemaking.
(24:32):
It's the only thing that getsme off.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton and I'mso happy you're here.
This podcast, if you've juststumbled on it, is an audio
chronicle of my quest to learnand master from scratch the most
terrifying, exciting art formon earth stand-up comedy.
I've been doing it for a littlebit, some months now, and it's
(00:22):
going slowly.
But we're making progress andin this episode I try to make
progress by milking myrelationship with my father.
So we're gonna dive into it andsee what comedy can be gleaned
from a man they call Golden Toe.
(00:43):
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:12):
That's rubbish, that's rubbish.
I'm reading gary goldman's 366bits of wisdom, advice and
encouragement.
Gary goldman is a greatstand-up guy who's been around
and he did 366 of these tips andI've read them all.
They're so overwhelming becauseyou're kind of not doing a lot
of them so they're having thatbackfire where I want to quit.
I'm going to quit the wholething.
This is it.
(01:32):
I'm quitting Bye.
A couple ones that stand out.
Tip number 102 from GaryGoldman it will take, between
three parentheses, unlikely and15 years likely, to feel like
you know what you're doing.
Write as if you only have sixmonths.
This one he stole from BruceSpringsteen.
This is what Gary thinks ittakes to improve steadily
(01:57):
Believe that you are the baddestass in town and that you suck.
It keeps you honest.
That's Bruce.
Thank you, bruce.
That resonates.
Thank you, bruce.
That resonates with me.
Bruce Springsteen, thank you.
And finally, a third tip.
I'm not going to overwhelm youwith tips there's 366 of them
but this one also hit me.
When I believe quote that I amexactly where I'm supposed to be
(02:22):
, then I'm at peace and I'mproductive.
Thinking about what, who orwhere I should be mostly brought
anxiety, regret and despair.
Take a deep breath and say I amexactly where I'm supposed to
be.
It's funny that I just readthat where reading his 366 tips
made me despair and gave meanxiety and regret that I hadn't
(02:44):
applied all 366 simultaneouslyto everything I'd done.
So yeah, this is it.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed thatlittle taste of wisdom from the
great Gary Goldman, if you have.
If you don't know Gary Goldman,go Google him tonight when
you're taking a dump and watchlittle Gary Goldman on the on
the can.
I want to talk about my dad, mydad, old Jay-Z Walton Golden Toe
(03:11):
Walton, the old man feeling alot of tenderness for my dad.
He's in an old folks home.
Now Every time I talk to himhe's saying, david, I'm losing
my mind and uh, he is.
He's got uh dementia and heknows who he is and he knows
stuff.
But it's just this sort of big,powerful man who is, um, just
(03:36):
slowly, you know, wasting away.
He lies in bed all day.
I try to tell him what to watch.
We had a funny.
He loved love golf.
We bonded over golf our wholelife, um, and the other day I
was like dad.
We just hung for like 15minutes on the phone watching,
uh, the Genesis open which is atTorrey Pines.
(03:58):
Usually he's in LA but becauseof the fires it was at Torrey
Pines.
They did a great but anyway, sowe watch it.
I get him watching it and thenext day I'm like dad, there's,
it's the back nine, it's abeautiful day you gotta watch.
He's like I am watching it.
I just watched Freddie Couplestee off and I was like, oh shit,
he's watching like a tapedsenior open tournament on the
(04:19):
golf channel when the GenesisOpen was on NBC.
So he'd been watching like somererun of Senior Open or maybe
it was live, but either way itwas the wrong golf tournament
and he was just mesmerized, butthat made me laugh.
I don't know why.
There's something aboutdementia that's just very funny.
You know, it's dark, obviously,and sad and for those who've
(04:40):
gone through it, but I thinkthere's going to be a lot of uh,
fun and beautiful ways to kindof, you know, process the
passing of my father, um, theinevitable, uh, through comedy.
And I'm obsessed, like I thinkI've been writing his eulogy in
my head for like 10 years, eventhough he, you know, he's been
(05:01):
healthy most of his life.
Healthy is a very loose termand man enjoyed dessert.
But you know, I don't know ifanyone else has this, but
there's just I'm constantly justthinking of how do I, how am I
going to honor him?
What would I say?
You know, a father sonrelationship is obviously so
unique.
Each and every one of you, I'msure, has unique.
(05:27):
Each and every one of you, I'msure has it's.
It's incredibly profound, evenif somehow your relationship is
stilted or on the surface,doesn't?
You?
Don't go very deep.
I'm always trying to go deepwith my dad and I sort of given
up in the sense that he'scapable of it, but I'm always
looking for some like deepwisdom or philosophy that he's
been living by and I'm notfinding a ton.
Um, that's not to say that hewasn't a very, you know,
(05:49):
complicated guy who uh, justsort of wore his, who wears his
faults and temper and humannesson his sleeve, which I have a
ton of respect for, especiallyin the sort of modern age where
everyone's like pretending to bemuch more dealt with than they
are.
Um, and he just, he just waswho he is and he didn't hide
(06:11):
much, uh, from people and he wasprobably his own.
He is his own harshest critic,which always breaks my heart
because he was very hard onhimself.
And so there's this bit formingin my mind, um, because you
know, I think for a lot of us,the voice in our head is
actually the voice of ourparents, you know.
And so today I was doing a lotof exploration and writing about
(06:34):
what is the, what is this voicein my head?
That's hard on myself and andif you've listened, you know,
let's say, me just ripping onmyself after listening to a, a
stand set.
In many ways that voice is theenergy of my dad and I'm sure
his voice is the energy of hisparents.
(06:55):
It's sort of like the minuteyou start blaming your parent
for your problem, you basicallyhave to blame your entire
lineage back to like a stonedape.
It's like no one's fault, right?
So no one person's fault and itreally isn't anybody's fault.
So anyway, I've been exploringthat.
(07:15):
I made a little list of facts.
Val from the Comedy Cellar toldme to just don't underestimate
what the power of just facts andlisting facts about yourself or
about whatever topic you'regoing for and if the topic is my
dad, and you'll bear with me,I'm going to just list you some
facts about my dad.
He grew up in New Jersey, born1940.
(07:37):
He's a real estate broker.
His best friend stole his firstwife, which, as a little kid
you're like dad.
Your best friend stole yourfirst wife right, like with your
friends, you like waddle intohis room.
You've told your five-year-oldfriend it's a horrifically
heartbreaking fact, but it'sjust like I remember even my mom
(07:59):
.
My mom lost her first baby, youknow, when it was three days
old and it was.
You know, she was like 23.
And I remember, at six you'rejust completely oblivious to the
tragedy.
You're like like, yeah, my momher first baby died and then she
had, you know, like it's justlittle kids, it's very funny.
But anyway, my dad, um, hisspeaking of his younger brother
(08:19):
who I'm named after, died whenmy dad was 38.
Uncle David, my namesake, was,I think, 31.
He died of leg cancer.
My dad was ambitious.
My grandfather was not so much,but my dad definitely wanted to
be rich and was ready to makeit happen what I found from my
friends.
He was very trusty.
(08:40):
He was a gentleman businessmanit was a different time but
handshakes really did meaneverything and he did things
with honor and integrity.
He was old school, kind of thecomplete opposite of Trump, um,
and he loved golf but he sucked.
He was never better than a 16handicap.
Uh, he really liked to buy nicethings, as he's pared down and
(09:01):
were like auctioning off stuff.
You know, you look around andhe he it.
It was like you know, you knowyou look around and he he it.
It was like you know, it wasn'ta sort of look at me, he just
he just had an eye for nicethings and wanted them and he
wanted them enough and it's likethat sort of male thing that
seems to be almost going like.
It seems like everyone's buyingnice stuff now to like, like,
(09:22):
just pose, and there wassomething very just, true and
organic about the stuff hecollected.
There was dare I say it wassoulful what he surrounded
himself with, the objects thathe surrounded himself with,
including little figurines ofnaked women which are fun to
(09:43):
find.
I guess he really appreciatedthe female figure.
He never wore jeans but he wasa big bespoke suit from London
kind of guy, from Henry Poole,loved vacation and his whole
thing.
He was voted in high schoollaziest and thinks he's the best
(10:07):
looking, which I just found out.
She killed me.
He really thought.
I think he thinks the mostimportant thing in life is to be
a member of a good country cluband that's hilarious.
I think it would be like goodclub, good job, do a job where
the top 10% of the people make alot of money.
So if you're good, you'll makea lot of money.
(10:28):
And then third was marriage, inthat order Um, he had a big
shaking laugh.
As I said, he doesn't likehugging.
He doesn't like to say he lovesyou, never said.
I've never heard him say I loveyou to another guy.
We just started saying I juststart dropping I love you, dad.
Now, after calls and it's's.
He said it once back, I thinkonce, which was sweet, but he's
(10:52):
a real sweetheart.
He really is.
He's a caring guy, let's see,yeah, he was used to like you
know, most of his faults orthings you complain about is
just that he had that likeexecutive used to getting what
you want.
He had an old school secretary,joanne, who just did what he
wanted.
So he'd that like executiveused to getting what you want.
He had an old school secretary,joanne, who just did what he
wanted.
So he'd be like honey, clearout the house we're moving.
(11:14):
And he'd like sell the housewithout talking to his wife, my
mom, honey, I sold the house,let's move out.
Like that kind of vibe.
Um, there's funny things likehe, you know, I think with six
kids he wasn't getting a ton ofaction.
So I remember he would kick meout of.
There was one TV in the secondfloor growing up and all the
(11:36):
kids would go and watch thereand one time, you know he would.
Sometimes we'd watch Ask Jeevestogether, that great British.
He was a real Anglophile, lovedBritish culture, but sometimes
he liked French culture and whatI mean is he would be like
David, it's time for you toleave, and he would press play
on this very European film withsome.
It was definitely an erotic,like art house erotic film.
(11:58):
He was just feeling it and I'dbe like eight.
I'd be like, all right, dad,see you later.
And then I'd be like, andclearly he just, you know,
needed it.
He knew what he needed.
He was a vodka guy.
He'd always have one vod afterwork and then go Jan plan, but I
never seen him drunk.
But yeah, he was a realself-loather, you know, like
really hard on himself.
All his friends would make fatjokes about him and he would
(12:20):
just chuckle.
He never seemed to get offended.
He was about 240, 250, 63,pretty much my whole life.
I look at old pictures of himand yeah, it was like that time
in the late seventies, earlyeighties, like no one was doing
fitness videos.
One time I held his feet forhim to do sit-ups and I remember
it very clearly, like why areyou doing sit-ups?
This isn't doing anything, dad.
(12:42):
He was super impressed withcollege education credentials.
You know he was a real, he wasa real slut for like Ivy league
credentials and uh, his kidshave been working ironically all
went to Ivy league schools buthave been working, working hard
for him to not just, uh,overvalue people's, you know
resume type stuff, um, to seethe human behind the credentials
(13:04):
.
Um, what else?
Yeah, he uh, uh, he reallyloves history.
I mean, he's read so manyhistory books but at the same
time he was he's so pissed abouthis bad memory like this is
before dementia, like he justalways was really hard on
himself that he didn't have agood memory.
And if someone had a goodmemory he thought it was the
(13:24):
most amazing thing.
I remember we would go eatdinner it'd be like table for
nine and the whole family wouldgo to Charlie's at the Chester
Hill mall in Boston and he would.
There was this waiter there, weall remember it and she took
the order the nine person order,without writing it down, and my
dad was like good God, and hewas like, let me tell you
something that is.
And he gave her his card.
(13:45):
He was like come work for me.
I thought that was kind of fun.
Um, yeah, he paid for over ahundred years of private school
education, so that's prettyimpressive.
Um, he kind of waddles when hewalks.
There's some other stuff that'sa little more personal, but that
was kind of like the sort ofthe basic architecture of him.
I, you know, it's I.
I can list all those things andif you've never met him and you
(14:06):
don't know him uh, for many ofyou that's not, that is the case
I I'm very curious about what,what picture that paints in your
head.
Um, I don't know if I'll everfind out, but you know, it's
always when you're close to thetrees it's hard, to hard to know
, even in a description or instating those things, what, what
you see, and I imagine it'sprobably not really close to
what he is.
(14:26):
But but he was a handsome guy.
I you know he was.
He definitely thought maybehe's handsomer, but you know he
was a big boy.
Maybe I'll post a picture oneof these days, but anyway.
So I listed those facts and now,you know, as I try to sort of
develop standup material abouthim, you know, without, you know
, you know I really do want itto be filled with with love.
(14:49):
You know the love I have forhim, but at the same time, you
know, get revenge for all theways in which he's destroyed me.
No, but you know, there wassome of the things like.
One thing that stood out islike I was always been felt
shame for looking in the mirror.
I was always been felt shamefor looking in the mirror and
there was this very specificmoment when I was like I
(15:12):
probably nine or 10.
And I just I had this crush onthis girl named Heather Burke
and she was my first crush.
I was like dreaming about her,you know, like where you think
you're together and then youwake up and you're not together.
And it's like your first tasteof like real sadness, because in
the dream you were with her andthat was like 10 and Heather,
she's like your first taste oflike real sadness, because in
the dream you were with her andI was like 10 and Heather she's
like 13 and anyway, um, Iremember like looking in the
(15:35):
mirror and just being like, ohman, I think I might see Heather
today.
So like, let's get this hairtight.
And you know, you look at apicture of me when I'm 10.
It's just a disaster.
But, um, you know gettinggetting the hair tight.
And then he looked by and hegoes David, let me tell you.
But you know getting the hairtight.
And then he looked by and hegoes David.
Let me tell you a story.
You know what they say aPrinceton man is so insecure
(15:55):
that he stops every time he seesa mirror.
He has to stop and make sure helooks okay.
A Yale man doesn't want anyoneto know that he's insecure about
how he looks, so he steals aglance at the mirror and make
sure he looks okay.
And a Harvard man David, aHarvard man knows he looks good,
so he doesn't look at themirror, he just walks on by.
(16:15):
And so I hear this story and Idon't know that it's just such a
cringe story and just you know,as a little kid, you're like
okay, uh, all right, so I guessI should be a Harvard man.
Um, and so I.
But to this day there's like apang of if I'm in like a airport
bathroom and I take a piss andI go to the sink, like I'll like
(16:39):
not look in the mirror if otherpeople are in the bathroom,
like it's just even, and thenI'll again.
It's just like I know I'm doingit, but it's like that feeling.
It's like the vibration is inthere of embarrassment.
It's crazy.
I'm 46 years old and still.
And then the irony is I justabsolutely love looking in the
(17:02):
mirror.
Now, well, it's like we havemirrors in our house or my kids
are just like dancing in frontof the mirror and it's just like
you know, there's mirrorseverywhere and still embarrassed
in in in person, so there'ssome work there to to make that
into a joke for a stage.
Um, there's an irony with my dadbecause he was very generous in
(17:25):
the sense that whatever Iwanted to do, he would pay for.
If I wanted to play saxophone,I got a saxophone.
There was no resistance to mebecoming an actor, even though
he had no comprehension orunderstanding of what it was
about, and still doesn't.
After 20 years.
I'll still be like dad, I got apilot.
And he'll be like when can Isee it?
And you're like that's not howpilots work.
(17:46):
Pilots aren't on the air untilwe got to get picked up for
series and then just get like ablank look.
Um, so I've given up on tryingto get him to understand
anything about the entertainmentindustry.
However his sort of view, Istill have his eyes in my head,
essentially, and so there's avery interesting dichotomy I was
(18:07):
just talking to a friend aboutthis that you have this
conservative father and then mylife choices have been, you know
, very different than his, and Iwas in acting school in New
York and there's a popular warmup for your voice where you get
on the ground and you stick yourlegs in the air and now if I do
this on stage, I'll do it, andyou and you let your legs start
(18:30):
to shake.
It kind of looks like you'rehaving an epileptic seizure
while giving birth and you'remoaning because you're trying to
open up your voice.
So you're like and you havelike 19 people all on the ground
moaning with their legs in theair.
And I remember doing this whenI was like 20.
(18:51):
And I just I just saw my dadall of a sudden like looking at
me, being like I'm paying twogrand for what?
For this?
And it was extremely it just Ilost.
I got a cry, laughed alreadybecause it was so absurd.
But I got that perspective oflike my must be, like what have
I done?
How have I raised a son who isenjoying and pursuing this kind
(19:17):
of nonsense?
And I do remember getting myfirst show.
It was a Mike White who is thecreator of White Lotus, among
many other things.
It was.
His show was called Cracking.
It was my first break.
Cracking Up was Molly Shannon,jason Schwartzman, chris
McDonald and he visits set it'smy first set is like the most
amazing fun thing and he kind ofwanders around.
He sees how much I'm waitingaround, he sees for the first
(19:39):
time how television works andhe's like what are you going to
do to have some gravitas in yourlife?
That was his literal question.
After seeing it all, he's likeyou gonna really do?
And I was like no, no, I madeit.
And so it was like this veryfunny kind of I don't know, just
a just a complete lack ofunderstanding.
Uh, and so, weirdly, my entirelife, anytime I would announce
(20:02):
something very fun or somethingvery exciting, like, oh, dad, I
got a show.
You knew he was, you knew hewas like huh, and but it was
like always like well, how muchare you making?
Who's in it and can you?
When's it?
How long does this money haveto?
Last was basically what all hecared about, and so, or
seemingly to me.
(20:23):
But you know, look, all I'mdoing is constantly trying to
frame anything that good happensto me so that I can win his
love.
That's it, that's all it is.
So I'll just lie to him.
I'll be like oh, you know,double what I'm getting paid to
see if he'll love me more.
And then nothing.
(20:44):
I say it's like I'm getting 10million an episode and Steven
Spielberg is directing everyepisode, and I think his
response would be well, how longis that money gonna have to
last?
Yeah, so I'm excited to exploregetting on my back and
reenacting the shaking of mylegs on stage.
I think that will be fun.
I'm gonna do that at my nextopen mic and, um, I've got to
(21:09):
find a way to make the my dad'sattitude towards me comical,
because it is, and there's a wayto do it, and I just need to
get the lines like just the joke, the things he would say, um,
that are disapproving.
And then I think I can make myreaction to his disapproval
(21:30):
funny by, like it just churns meto like, keep trying to win his
approval.
I, I'm just gonna battle forhis love on stage.
I think there's some juicethere and I think I can.
I can, I can act out.
You know being ashamed oflooking in mirrors and I think
there's some jokes there.
(21:51):
So I'm hoping that, whatever mynext podcast episode where you
hear another open mic or aperformance, that there will be
some satisfaction for you forhearing this version of it and
then to see what ends uphappening.
If I did more podcast episodes,I'd probably take you through
the nuts and bolts of it.
(22:12):
But you know, I think I've justgot to really focus on the
actual work of getting on stage.
I'm really feeling good as anupdate.
I'm really feeling good thatI'm really matching the work I
want to do for the ultimate goal, which is to get a really good
10 minute performance together.
And whereas this podcast usedto take away and I feel like it
(22:36):
was like a completely differentproject, it's starting to merge
and I hope that's interesting toyou.
But anyway, and if not, go fuckyourself.
No, but I love you.
I'm going to leave you with alittle song.
I did some weird stuff today.
Maybe I'll throw a couple ofthese weirdnesses in just at the
end, if you're feeling it.
Anyway, see you next week.
Thank you so much.
Here's a few experimental ideas,please enjoy.
(23:00):
How are you?
How's things?
You had a good week, nice, yeah, it was good.
It was a good week.
Uh, it's been kind of niceweather, a little milder, snow
starting to melt, you know.
Yeah, the kids are great.
Yeah, the kids are doing well.
(23:21):
Seventh and fifth grade,they're fine.
Yeah, I don't know.
No plans to travel.
Um, heading to, uh, new Yorkand LA probably, but don't have
it set yet.
Yeah, how about you?
Oh, that's cool, that'll be fun.
Nice, oh yeah, I haven't beenthere, but I've heard it's nice.
(23:45):
Yeah, okay, you're going forthe whole whole vacation?
Yeah, well, you'll.
You're going for the wholevacation?
Yeah well, you'll need avacation from the vacation.
That's right.
Yeah, it is hard.
Today's episode is sponsored byHill's Prescription Diet
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(24:06):
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What the world needs now is alove making, sweet lovemaking.
(24:32):
It's the only thing that getsme off.
Thank you.
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