March 13, 2025 • 19 mins
David explores his high school experience for potential material.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton.
I'm so, so happy that you'vefound me.
This podcast, if you've juststumbled on it, is an audio
chronicle of my quest to learnand master from scratch the most
terrifying, exciting art formon earth stand-up comedy.
I've been doing it for a fewmonths and it's going.
(00:20):
It's going and in this episodeI continue to try to make some
progress.
This time I'm I'm gonna beginto milk my high school
experience for comedy.
Please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(00:55):
That's rubbish.
I'm reading a book called careof the soul by thomas moore,
highly recommended.
Sort of the paradigm is that weall try to take care of our
bodies and our minds.
We try to get things done, butno one's really paying attention
to their soul.
What's good for your soul?
Is it good for your soul tothrow in a dip and have a vod?
(01:16):
Maybe it is.
Is it good for your soul to goto a full moon party in Koh
Samui, thailand, and make loveto a lady boy?
Maybe Everyone has their ownsoul's path.
The reason I bring that up is Ijust heard that an older friend
who always seemed like a kindof guy who would like lady boys,
(01:37):
I just found out was inThailand and for like six weeks
traveling solo, and I was likeT-Jar, that's just about right.
Anyway, we got a great show.
It's a different one.
I'm going to keep it on theshort side because I really I'm
going up tomorrow and I've beenworking hard on putting it
(02:00):
together and I thought aboutteasing the show tonight, but
I'm not going to because I wantto keep that powder keg dry.
Is that even a saying?
I'm not sure it is.
We're losing our minds on thesugar diet here, but I am happy
to say I'm down to 225 becauseI've cut out all starch in the
(02:22):
last four days.
No potatoes or rice.
They could have been theculprit for my terrifying weight
gain.
I hit 229.7.
And I said if I hit 230, that'sa red alert.
For those that don't know me, Ispent my entire adult life at
195.
And so, yeah, we're almost 35pounds of weight gain in the
(02:44):
last couple years.
And there's something weird andfun about weight gain.
Like when I hunch over, italmost feels like there's a bug
on me and it's just because mybreast fat is like creating a
crease.
And when I hunch over, like mygut has so much more fat now
(03:04):
that it's almost like I can reston my gut.
I've also noticed that I'm veryjittery but I move around a lot
.
Weirdly, ever since I got muchmore fat, I can just sit still.
I can eat a meal and just notmove for 50 minutes.
There's something nice aboutthat eat a meal and just like
(03:26):
not move for 50 minutes.
And there's something niceabout that.
No one talks about the factthat kind of getting some meat,
some some middle-aged meat is,is kind of weirdly enjoyable.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
I think I'm losing my mind.
But um, I'll keep you updatedon the on the on the weight.
I think that'll be a really funthing to track.
So today we.
So today we're transitioning,we're going to take a little
(03:46):
time travel.
I did, I did some fact writing.
Again, I'm not going to do alot of fact writing For those
who are thinking about stand-ups.
Weirdly, the simplest adviceI've gotten has been kind of the
most promising, where you justlist facts about a topic.
You just list them out and ifyou have a topic, let's say, you
(04:08):
wanted to talk about on stage,or even if you're giving a
wedding speech or you're givingany kind of or you're writing.
Sometimes, just the brain dumpof incomplete sentences, of just
words, gets the brain cookingand gets the memories going, and
so I'm going to share with youtoday my fact list of boarding
(04:29):
school.
I went to boarding school.
I don't think I'm going to namethe boarding school, I'm sure
it could be found out, but, yeah, this is.
You'll see why I don't name it,and I think there's material
there.
It's hard to, it's gonna behard to.
I worry that I can't make thisrelatable, but I'm sure there's
a way to do it.
It's just going to take sometime, but I haven't seen you
(04:50):
know, I haven't seen a lot ofstandup about boarding school,
so I think that's something thatI can offer.
So this is the beginning.
You're at the first inning, theembryonic stage.
Please enjoy my fact list ofboarding school.
Before we get to it, though, wegot a new segment that I'm going
to keep going Gary Goldman's366 tips, which I put a link up
(05:13):
in the last episode.
There's just so much good stuffin here that I'm going to do
another three tip share.
This was Gary's tip number 16.
Be the comedian you wanted tosee.
Be the comedian you wanted tosee.
Think about the things that youwish someone made jokes about
when you sat in the audience.
Make a list of topics and ideasthat you'd be excited to see
(05:34):
someone discuss.
Become that comedian.
You've got 30 years.
I like that.
Tip number 37.
My favorite writer, kurtVonnegut, said he wrote for an
audience of one, his sisterAlice.
I write for a 21 year old meToday.
Think about your ideal audiencemember.
This should help you narrowyour writing focus and help you
(05:55):
find your voice.
I realize I have not beenwriting for a specific person
and I'm going to try that andsee what happens.
Maybe it will help me find myvoice.
And then, finally, you willhardly ever feel like writing
Frequently.
You'll be glad you're writingshortly after you start.
You will always feel betterafter you've written and I have
(06:17):
to say that is so true.
I felt a whole lot better afterI wrote down all this boarding
school stuff which you're aboutto hear right now.
Please enjoy.
I went to boarding school and Iwent from age 14 to 18.
It was co-ed.
It was this gorgeous 2000 acrecampus.
You could visit girls roomswith the doors closed from 7 to
10 pm every night, but if yougot busted having sex you were
(06:39):
in big trouble, like suspended,sometimes kicked out.
One time I got busted with agirl in bed knock on the door
and we stayed silent and gotaway with it.
I got busted ripping extensionbong hits.
After winning the dorm playcompetition I had to get hair
follicle testing.
For the last five months of mytime there, or last five months
(07:00):
of junior year, there was, youknow, always things happening,
like a tour guide walking in onyou know some kid getting
fellatio in the tuck shop, whichis like the cafeteria.
I would say everyone was reallysmart, for the most part, like
really impressive kids.
Many kids had rich parents, butthere were many kids on
financial aid and you didn'treally know everyone's financial
status, although sometimes theywere like obvious, like an heir
(07:24):
to the Kawasaki fortune, likethis is Ming Kawasaki and you
know you'd be like oh, yeah, uh.
Every religion was welcome,celebrated, but we went to
chapel four times a week in themorning for meetings but sang a
hymn and said christian prayer.
So it was.
It was an episcopalian essence.
It was formal coat and tie,seated meals four times a week
with rotating students asservers and a faculty or two at
(07:45):
the table.
So it's very much like harrypotter, but without the magic
and with way more drunkenness.
Actually, you basically justlearn how to keep your shit
together when drunk at a veryyoung age, like you would.
There was nights where youwould rip four to five warm
vodka shots at like sixmouthwash visine and then you
just hold it together and coatand tie at the table pretending
(08:07):
you were fine.
Very fascinating skill set todevelop.
But it looking back it feelsvery weird.
But it was so normal when youwere there and you had 1500
acres of woods where there weredecade-old forts where students
from the 70s would engrave stuffand like you'd be smoking a
cigarette in the same fort that,like some senator had date
raped a girl.
Um, that's probably not true,because girls didn't even
(08:29):
weren't even admitted until,like the, I believe, the late
60s.
Um, I mean honestly, it's anicer campus than, I would say,
99% of all colleges.
The endowment of the highschool is over a billion dollars
, cost about $75,000 to go.
Now when I went it was, I think, like $25,000.
A normal day would be to do allyour extracurriculars and
(08:50):
homework and then like at maybe10.30, play chess with like a
little dip in and then at 11 orso when the dorm faculty house
master light went out, you'dmeet in a friend's room and
you'd pack a bong and you'd ripthe tube, you'd place a.
It was a very it was a verylabor intensive, high stakes
(09:11):
thing.
You basically have this, youknow, 12 to 18 inch bong.
You couldn't let the smoke out.
So what you would do is you'dhave a pillow with generally a
dryer sheet on the pillow and so, and then you'd have this
athletic sock that had beenrolled up and duct taped, that
was lived at the top of the tubeso that the bong water wouldn't
(09:34):
start to smell up the room.
But that would.
It was you had two uses for it,because you would take it out
and when you were smoking you'dobviously light the bowl.
And then the moment of truthwas when you pull the bowl out.
Well before that, when you stoppulling you know if you've ever
had a bong hit the smoke fromthe bowl as soon as you stop
(09:57):
pulling will go into the room.
So what you do is you'd cut offthe oxygen to that bowl by
taking the duct tape portion ofthe sock and you'd sort of press
it pretty hard down on the bowland that would prevent the
smoke from escaping the bowl.
You'd then pull the slide,you'd clear the tube, then you
(10:18):
would place the bowl back in thetube, stash the tube all the
while the smoke is in your lungsbarking.
If you'd taken a big one, youwere right on the edge and this
was the really joy.
It was just finding that edgeand you would hold it, hold it,
hold it, and then you would getthe pillow and you would place
the dryer sheet right in on thepillow and you would blow
(10:41):
through the dryer sheet into thepillow and you would have a hit
mark.
There would be black tar in thepillow.
That would signify, you knowoften, how big a hit you'd taken
.
We had one friend, legend, whoI won't say his name, but he had
an extraordinary skill.
Where he could take, he couldclear, you know, a giant tube
(11:03):
like I'm talking, no lie like a60 second hit.
He would pull it out, he wouldhold in his lungs and when he
would blow into the pillow therewould be no mark.
And we were like, finally, wewere just like you have to show
us what's going on.
And and he, he would blow outno smoke, he absorbed all the
smoke.
What a legend.
(11:23):
You know who you are anyway.
So if you executed it properly,there was very little smell.
All the smoke had been enteredinto a pillow and let's see, and
the bong was stashed and sooften you would have a closet
and you would be rotating intothe closet and sometimes, if you
were particularly cocky, therewas no locks on the doors.
(11:45):
You would just be doing thisout in the open if it was late
enough at night and you weresure that the parents I mean the
teacher wasn't going to come in.
Another thing that was done toensure that you didn't get quote
unquote busted was you wouldhave what's called a delay, and
a delay is basically an absurdmaze in your room where the
teacher opens the door suddenlyand what they're looking at is
(12:08):
just like a eight foot tallbookcase and they have to sort
of weave through to this littlearea.
We're talking a small room.
I mean it's like a 10 by 10foot room and they would have to
walk like 20 feet through amaze of furniture to get to the
hangout area.
So by the time he had eyes onyou, that delay had given you
(12:30):
the 10 to 15 seconds to eitherstash the bong or put away the
vodka, etc.
So it was very intricate and itwas incredibly.
There was so much skill.
And so, anyway, I was sort ofreminiscing about this this is
in the 90s, 25, over almost 30years ago and I was reminiscing
(12:52):
about this like what is what,what?
What did I really learn atboarding school?
And of course I learned a lot,but it it struck me that maybe
boarding school was just justtraining to basically become
like a well-dressed criminal andeveryone's kind of doing that
in high school.
It's not like we were doinganything that other high school
kids don't do, but it was.
It's fun to break the rules.
(13:14):
Of course the stakes were veryhigh, because if you got busted
it was really humiliating.
They would announce your namein in in the school assembly
which was in a chapel.
Sometimes, if you got busted,you'd have to give, like, a
speech about the dangers ofdrugs and alcohol, and so it was
.
And if, if it was your secondstrike, you were generally gone
(13:36):
Uh, in the nineties, when I wasUh, legend had told of a looser
time in the eighties and earlynineties where where, guys, if,
if the headmaster called therector if he liked you, you
could go five, six bus, you know, and still be there.
But that was no longer the case.
It had gotten stricter and Ibelieve it's not like that at
(13:56):
all anymore.
Uh, these schools have gotten alot more, I guess, safer for
your children Didn't feel unsafe, it just felt really fun.
But I can't stress enough howmuch the danger was a value add,
because you go to college andit's like everyone's like
smoking and drinking and justeveryone's acting like idiots
(14:17):
and weirdly.
When you go to college aftergoing to four years of boarding
school and you've kind of beenin the high danger situation
doing that same thing, it'salmost like a letdown.
It's almost like, oh, it's.
It's sort of like how like podis now.
It was always fun to buy drugs,you know and know that it was
illegal, but now it's like, oh,I'm just going into a shop, it's
(14:38):
taken them, it's taken some ofthe joy away.
I think that's a littleintricacy of boarding schools
and this isn't just my boardingschool, I mean this one was, I
would say, relative to all theboarding schools in New England,
was particularly psychedelic,focused.
It was one of the top boardingschools and attracted the
(15:01):
smartest kids and veryprestigious the top boarding
schools and attracted thesmartest kids and very
prestigious, but for whateverreason, in the 90s there was
more acid probably being inmushrooms and mescaline being
done than at any other boardingschool, certainly of the top
tier, and so it had aninteresting culture and I think
again that's changed.
But, like I remember a kid, alegend, who, who, wake and baked
(15:23):
every day, and it was confirmedthat he for all four years of
his or maybe let's call it threeyears of his career, um, was
ripping 14 bongs a day.
And then I remember hegraduated, and he graduated
summa cum laude, which is, likeyou know, latin for smart, one
(15:44):
of the smartest people in theschool, basically straight A's,
14 bongs a day.
And it was a hard school.
This is not because it was easy, he's just.
It was that kind of people.
And, oh yeah, grateful Dead wasworshipped Deadlegs back.
This is before, obviously,digital music, but they were
traded.
All the tapes, the deadlegswere traded.
There was a tradition whereyou'd listen to the deadleg of
(16:07):
the Fox Theater and Smoke AllNight and that deadleg was
passed down to a junior eachyear by the Fox, who would
anoint a lover of the dead anddrug use in the class below, and
they would carry on thattradition and the Fox tradition
was in place for over threedecades.
When I was there, so it you hadaccumulated all these objects
(16:28):
and rituals, artifacts.
When you were anointed the fox,it came with like four boxes
full of you know, a lizard andsome.
I hope I'm not giving anythingaway.
It's not like anyone'slistening to this.
I hope I'm not giving anythingaway.
It's not like anyone'slistening to this.
Anyway, yeah, and like thetheater where I started acting,
like acting for the first time,had these place called the
(16:49):
catacombs and you could, likeyou know, sort of crawl through
all these pipes.
And then there was this roomthat had, just, you know, people
had writing from the 70s and80s and you're just ripping
butts and pretending, pretendingyou were rehearsing, but it was
extremely fun.
It's just that adrenalinefilled rule breaking, that, uh.
And then just the fact thatyou're living with your best
(17:13):
friends and the fact that if youhave a crush, she's available
to speak with every night.
You know, not that that wasgoing down, but like if you were
in love, like you could just beboning all over the campus all
day just finding little nooks.
Well, I mean the way I'm sayingit.
I mean what's not to it's notto like.
(17:34):
The irony is just by explainingthis, pretty much guaranteeing
that none of my children aregoing to be admitted.
So I do apologize, but look,anything, this is, this is the
sacrifice you make for art.
You torch your kid's future forjust a 10 minute rant on a
podcast.
That's how I roll.
That's where my priorities are,anyway.
(17:56):
So I that's sort of my list offacts about this world that I've
been getting feedback is likemaybe you know you don't
necessarily hear a ton aboutboarding school on stage from
standups.
Okay, well, that's our show.
I'm going to go weigh in, see ifI can drop down to.
I think we're going to aim for215.
I thank you for being along onthis journey.
(18:17):
I will end by saying that we'vegot a little tickle.
We've got some additionalnerves coming in.
There's some reluctance, but wejumped off the cliff and I
responded to an outreach fromthe Portland Press Herald, who
caught wind of this project I'mdoing.
I did an interview and it seemslike I will be featured in a
(18:41):
future Sunday entertainmentsection about this podcast and
about this quest of mine withphotos.
They're going to come to a show.
So for those who have been herefrom the beginning.
Things are getting much morereal.
Once you're in a newspaper andthere's an article that your mom
can clip out and put in herlittle folder that says this is
(19:04):
my son, then you know you'vemade it.
That's it.
I most likely will quit after Iget the newspaper article.
You know that's all I'm goingfor anyway.
All right, I wish all of youlove and peace, adventure,
connection, safety andskin-on-skin contact.
Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton.
I'm so, so happy that you'vefound me.
This podcast, if you've juststumbled on it, is an audio
chronicle of my quest to learnand master from scratch the most
terrifying, exciting art formon earth stand-up comedy.
I've been doing it for a fewmonths and it's going.
(00:20):
It's going and in this episodeI continue to try to make some
progress.
This time I'm I'm gonna beginto milk my high school
experience for comedy.
Please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(00:55):
That's rubbish.
I'm reading a book called careof the soul by thomas moore,
highly recommended.
Sort of the paradigm is that weall try to take care of our
bodies and our minds.
We try to get things done, butno one's really paying attention
to their soul.
What's good for your soul?
Is it good for your soul tothrow in a dip and have a vod?
(01:16):
Maybe it is.
Is it good for your soul to goto a full moon party in Koh
Samui, thailand, and make loveto a lady boy?
Maybe Everyone has their ownsoul's path.
The reason I bring that up is Ijust heard that an older friend
who always seemed like a kindof guy who would like lady boys,
(01:37):
I just found out was inThailand and for like six weeks
traveling solo, and I was likeT-Jar, that's just about right.
Anyway, we got a great show.
It's a different one.
I'm going to keep it on theshort side because I really I'm
going up tomorrow and I've beenworking hard on putting it
(02:00):
together and I thought aboutteasing the show tonight, but
I'm not going to because I wantto keep that powder keg dry.
Is that even a saying?
I'm not sure it is.
We're losing our minds on thesugar diet here, but I am happy
to say I'm down to 225 becauseI've cut out all starch in the
(02:22):
last four days.
No potatoes or rice.
They could have been theculprit for my terrifying weight
gain.
I hit 229.7.
And I said if I hit 230, that'sa red alert.
For those that don't know me, Ispent my entire adult life at
195.
And so, yeah, we're almost 35pounds of weight gain in the
(02:44):
last couple years.
And there's something weird andfun about weight gain.
Like when I hunch over, italmost feels like there's a bug
on me and it's just because mybreast fat is like creating a
crease.
And when I hunch over, like mygut has so much more fat now
(03:04):
that it's almost like I can reston my gut.
I've also noticed that I'm veryjittery but I move around a lot
.
Weirdly, ever since I got muchmore fat, I can just sit still.
I can eat a meal and just notmove for 50 minutes.
There's something nice aboutthat eat a meal and just like
(03:26):
not move for 50 minutes.
And there's something niceabout that.
No one talks about the factthat kind of getting some meat,
some some middle-aged meat is,is kind of weirdly enjoyable.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
I think I'm losing my mind.
But um, I'll keep you updatedon the on the on the weight.
I think that'll be a really funthing to track.
So today we.
So today we're transitioning,we're going to take a little
(03:46):
time travel.
I did, I did some fact writing.
Again, I'm not going to do alot of fact writing For those
who are thinking about stand-ups.
Weirdly, the simplest adviceI've gotten has been kind of the
most promising, where you justlist facts about a topic.
You just list them out and ifyou have a topic, let's say, you
(04:08):
wanted to talk about on stage,or even if you're giving a
wedding speech or you're givingany kind of or you're writing.
Sometimes, just the brain dumpof incomplete sentences, of just
words, gets the brain cookingand gets the memories going, and
so I'm going to share with youtoday my fact list of boarding
(04:29):
school.
I went to boarding school.
I don't think I'm going to namethe boarding school, I'm sure
it could be found out, but, yeah, this is.
You'll see why I don't name it,and I think there's material
there.
It's hard to, it's gonna behard to.
I worry that I can't make thisrelatable, but I'm sure there's
a way to do it.
It's just going to take sometime, but I haven't seen you
(04:50):
know, I haven't seen a lot ofstandup about boarding school,
so I think that's something thatI can offer.
So this is the beginning.
You're at the first inning, theembryonic stage.
Please enjoy my fact list ofboarding school.
Before we get to it, though, wegot a new segment that I'm going
to keep going Gary Goldman's366 tips, which I put a link up
(05:13):
in the last episode.
There's just so much good stuffin here that I'm going to do
another three tip share.
This was Gary's tip number 16.
Be the comedian you wanted tosee.
Be the comedian you wanted tosee.
Think about the things that youwish someone made jokes about
when you sat in the audience.
Make a list of topics and ideasthat you'd be excited to see
(05:34):
someone discuss.
Become that comedian.
You've got 30 years.
I like that.
Tip number 37.
My favorite writer, kurtVonnegut, said he wrote for an
audience of one, his sisterAlice.
I write for a 21 year old meToday.
Think about your ideal audiencemember.
This should help you narrowyour writing focus and help you
(05:55):
find your voice.
I realize I have not beenwriting for a specific person
and I'm going to try that andsee what happens.
Maybe it will help me find myvoice.
And then, finally, you willhardly ever feel like writing
Frequently.
You'll be glad you're writingshortly after you start.
You will always feel betterafter you've written and I have
(06:17):
to say that is so true.
I felt a whole lot better afterI wrote down all this boarding
school stuff which you're aboutto hear right now.
Please enjoy.
I went to boarding school and Iwent from age 14 to 18.
It was co-ed.
It was this gorgeous 2000 acrecampus.
You could visit girls roomswith the doors closed from 7 to
10 pm every night, but if yougot busted having sex you were
(06:39):
in big trouble, like suspended,sometimes kicked out.
One time I got busted with agirl in bed knock on the door
and we stayed silent and gotaway with it.
I got busted ripping extensionbong hits.
After winning the dorm playcompetition I had to get hair
follicle testing.
For the last five months of mytime there, or last five months
(07:00):
of junior year, there was, youknow, always things happening,
like a tour guide walking in onyou know some kid getting
fellatio in the tuck shop, whichis like the cafeteria.
I would say everyone was reallysmart, for the most part, like
really impressive kids.
Many kids had rich parents, butthere were many kids on
financial aid and you didn'treally know everyone's financial
status, although sometimes theywere like obvious, like an heir
(07:24):
to the Kawasaki fortune, likethis is Ming Kawasaki and you
know you'd be like oh, yeah, uh.
Every religion was welcome,celebrated, but we went to
chapel four times a week in themorning for meetings but sang a
hymn and said christian prayer.
So it was.
It was an episcopalian essence.
It was formal coat and tie,seated meals four times a week
with rotating students asservers and a faculty or two at
(07:45):
the table.
So it's very much like harrypotter, but without the magic
and with way more drunkenness.
Actually, you basically justlearn how to keep your shit
together when drunk at a veryyoung age, like you would.
There was nights where youwould rip four to five warm
vodka shots at like sixmouthwash visine and then you
just hold it together and coatand tie at the table pretending
(08:07):
you were fine.
Very fascinating skill set todevelop.
But it looking back it feelsvery weird.
But it was so normal when youwere there and you had 1500
acres of woods where there weredecade-old forts where students
from the 70s would engrave stuffand like you'd be smoking a
cigarette in the same fort that,like some senator had date
raped a girl.
Um, that's probably not true,because girls didn't even
(08:29):
weren't even admitted until,like the, I believe, the late
60s.
Um, I mean honestly, it's anicer campus than, I would say,
99% of all colleges.
The endowment of the highschool is over a billion dollars
, cost about $75,000 to go.
Now when I went it was, I think, like $25,000.
A normal day would be to do allyour extracurriculars and
(08:50):
homework and then like at maybe10.30, play chess with like a
little dip in and then at 11 orso when the dorm faculty house
master light went out, you'dmeet in a friend's room and
you'd pack a bong and you'd ripthe tube, you'd place a.
It was a very it was a verylabor intensive, high stakes
(09:11):
thing.
You basically have this, youknow, 12 to 18 inch bong.
You couldn't let the smoke out.
So what you would do is you'dhave a pillow with generally a
dryer sheet on the pillow and so, and then you'd have this
athletic sock that had beenrolled up and duct taped, that
was lived at the top of the tubeso that the bong water wouldn't
(09:34):
start to smell up the room.
But that would.
It was you had two uses for it,because you would take it out
and when you were smoking you'dobviously light the bowl.
And then the moment of truthwas when you pull the bowl out.
Well before that, when you stoppulling you know if you've ever
had a bong hit the smoke fromthe bowl as soon as you stop
(09:57):
pulling will go into the room.
So what you do is you'd cut offthe oxygen to that bowl by
taking the duct tape portion ofthe sock and you'd sort of press
it pretty hard down on the bowland that would prevent the
smoke from escaping the bowl.
You'd then pull the slide,you'd clear the tube, then you
(10:18):
would place the bowl back in thetube, stash the tube all the
while the smoke is in your lungsbarking.
If you'd taken a big one, youwere right on the edge and this
was the really joy.
It was just finding that edgeand you would hold it, hold it,
hold it, and then you would getthe pillow and you would place
the dryer sheet right in on thepillow and you would blow
(10:41):
through the dryer sheet into thepillow and you would have a hit
mark.
There would be black tar in thepillow.
That would signify, you knowoften, how big a hit you'd taken
.
We had one friend, legend, whoI won't say his name, but he had
an extraordinary skill.
Where he could take, he couldclear, you know, a giant tube
(11:03):
like I'm talking, no lie like a60 second hit.
He would pull it out, he wouldhold in his lungs and when he
would blow into the pillow therewould be no mark.
And we were like, finally, wewere just like you have to show
us what's going on.
And and he, he would blow outno smoke, he absorbed all the
smoke.
What a legend.
(11:23):
You know who you are anyway.
So if you executed it properly,there was very little smell.
All the smoke had been enteredinto a pillow and let's see, and
the bong was stashed and sooften you would have a closet
and you would be rotating intothe closet and sometimes, if you
were particularly cocky, therewas no locks on the doors.
(11:45):
You would just be doing thisout in the open if it was late
enough at night and you weresure that the parents I mean the
teacher wasn't going to come in.
Another thing that was done toensure that you didn't get quote
unquote busted was you wouldhave what's called a delay, and
a delay is basically an absurdmaze in your room where the
teacher opens the door suddenlyand what they're looking at is
(12:08):
just like a eight foot tallbookcase and they have to sort
of weave through to this littlearea.
We're talking a small room.
I mean it's like a 10 by 10foot room and they would have to
walk like 20 feet through amaze of furniture to get to the
hangout area.
So by the time he had eyes onyou, that delay had given you
(12:30):
the 10 to 15 seconds to eitherstash the bong or put away the
vodka, etc.
So it was very intricate and itwas incredibly.
There was so much skill.
And so, anyway, I was sort ofreminiscing about this this is
in the 90s, 25, over almost 30years ago and I was reminiscing
(12:52):
about this like what is what,what?
What did I really learn atboarding school?
And of course I learned a lot,but it it struck me that maybe
boarding school was just justtraining to basically become
like a well-dressed criminal andeveryone's kind of doing that
in high school.
It's not like we were doinganything that other high school
kids don't do, but it was.
It's fun to break the rules.
(13:14):
Of course the stakes were veryhigh, because if you got busted
it was really humiliating.
They would announce your namein in in the school assembly
which was in a chapel.
Sometimes, if you got busted,you'd have to give, like, a
speech about the dangers ofdrugs and alcohol, and so it was
.
And if, if it was your secondstrike, you were generally gone
(13:36):
Uh, in the nineties, when I wasUh, legend had told of a looser
time in the eighties and earlynineties where where, guys, if,
if the headmaster called therector if he liked you, you
could go five, six bus, you know, and still be there.
But that was no longer the case.
It had gotten stricter and Ibelieve it's not like that at
(13:56):
all anymore.
Uh, these schools have gotten alot more, I guess, safer for
your children Didn't feel unsafe, it just felt really fun.
But I can't stress enough howmuch the danger was a value add,
because you go to college andit's like everyone's like
smoking and drinking and justeveryone's acting like idiots
(14:17):
and weirdly.
When you go to college aftergoing to four years of boarding
school and you've kind of beenin the high danger situation
doing that same thing, it'salmost like a letdown.
It's almost like, oh, it's.
It's sort of like how like podis now.
It was always fun to buy drugs,you know and know that it was
illegal, but now it's like, oh,I'm just going into a shop, it's
(14:38):
taken them, it's taken some ofthe joy away.
I think that's a littleintricacy of boarding schools
and this isn't just my boardingschool, I mean this one was, I
would say, relative to all theboarding schools in New England,
was particularly psychedelic,focused.
It was one of the top boardingschools and attracted the
(15:01):
smartest kids and veryprestigious the top boarding
schools and attracted thesmartest kids and very
prestigious, but for whateverreason, in the 90s there was
more acid probably being inmushrooms and mescaline being
done than at any other boardingschool, certainly of the top
tier, and so it had aninteresting culture and I think
again that's changed.
But, like I remember a kid, alegend, who, who, wake and baked
(15:23):
every day, and it was confirmedthat he for all four years of
his or maybe let's call it threeyears of his career, um, was
ripping 14 bongs a day.
And then I remember hegraduated, and he graduated
summa cum laude, which is, likeyou know, latin for smart, one
(15:44):
of the smartest people in theschool, basically straight A's,
14 bongs a day.
And it was a hard school.
This is not because it was easy, he's just.
It was that kind of people.
And, oh yeah, grateful Dead wasworshipped Deadlegs back.
This is before, obviously,digital music, but they were
traded.
All the tapes, the deadlegswere traded.
There was a tradition whereyou'd listen to the deadleg of
(16:07):
the Fox Theater and Smoke AllNight and that deadleg was
passed down to a junior eachyear by the Fox, who would
anoint a lover of the dead anddrug use in the class below, and
they would carry on thattradition and the Fox tradition
was in place for over threedecades.
When I was there, so it you hadaccumulated all these objects
(16:28):
and rituals, artifacts.
When you were anointed the fox,it came with like four boxes
full of you know, a lizard andsome.
I hope I'm not giving anythingaway.
It's not like anyone'slistening to this.
I hope I'm not giving anythingaway.
It's not like anyone'slistening to this.
Anyway, yeah, and like thetheater where I started acting,
like acting for the first time,had these place called the
(16:49):
catacombs and you could, likeyou know, sort of crawl through
all these pipes.
And then there was this roomthat had, just, you know, people
had writing from the 70s and80s and you're just ripping
butts and pretending, pretendingyou were rehearsing, but it was
extremely fun.
It's just that adrenalinefilled rule breaking, that, uh.
And then just the fact thatyou're living with your best
(17:13):
friends and the fact that if youhave a crush, she's available
to speak with every night.
You know, not that that wasgoing down, but like if you were
in love, like you could just beboning all over the campus all
day just finding little nooks.
Well, I mean the way I'm sayingit.
I mean what's not to it's notto like.
(17:34):
The irony is just by explainingthis, pretty much guaranteeing
that none of my children aregoing to be admitted.
So I do apologize, but look,anything, this is, this is the
sacrifice you make for art.
You torch your kid's future forjust a 10 minute rant on a
podcast.
That's how I roll.
That's where my priorities are,anyway.
(17:56):
So I that's sort of my list offacts about this world that I've
been getting feedback is likemaybe you know you don't
necessarily hear a ton aboutboarding school on stage from
standups.
Okay, well, that's our show.
I'm going to go weigh in, see ifI can drop down to.
I think we're going to aim for215.
I thank you for being along onthis journey.
(18:17):
I will end by saying that we'vegot a little tickle.
We've got some additionalnerves coming in.
There's some reluctance, but wejumped off the cliff and I
responded to an outreach fromthe Portland Press Herald, who
caught wind of this project I'mdoing.
I did an interview and it seemslike I will be featured in a
(18:41):
future Sunday entertainmentsection about this podcast and
about this quest of mine withphotos.
They're going to come to a show.
So for those who have been herefrom the beginning.
Things are getting much morereal.
Once you're in a newspaper andthere's an article that your mom
can clip out and put in herlittle folder that says this is
(19:04):
my son, then you know you'vemade it.
That's it.
I most likely will quit after Iget the newspaper article.
You know that's all I'm goingfor anyway.
All right, I wish all of youlove and peace, adventure,
connection, safety andskin-on-skin contact.
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