April 3, 2025 • 13 mins
David begins the day filled with confidence and hope as he preps for his 20th open mic. By nightfall these positive emotions have transformed into face melting shame, but the warrior in him transmutes humiliation into strength and resilience. A hero's journey, all same day.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, what's up?
How are you?
Excellent?
Yeah, I'm doing well.
Thanks, yeah, it's been.
Oh man, spring can't get heresoon enough, so cold.
Yeah, I don't know where tofind bulbs.
No, I've been seeing them atCostco, though they have a ton
(00:20):
for sale.
Is it too late?
I see First frost is in April,or, oh, april 25th, okay, well,
yeah, I'm a bit of a black thumb, so you shouldn't take any
advice from me, that's right.
Yeah, no, I, uh, all I know howto do is grow weeds.
Who was that?
(00:41):
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe a parent.
Okay, so, wild day, wild day.
We're going to do an all sameday here.
What's happening is I'm alonewith my children.
My wife has left me.
I'm a single dad for a coupleweeks.
My kids.
(01:07):
There is an open mic tonight ateight o'clock in Biddeford.
The Portland Press Herald ismeeting me there.
There's going to be a littlephoto shoot and then they're
going to watch my open mic andI'm.
I can leave my kids at home.
They're 12 and 11.
But I'm not going to, becausethe police listen to this show
and I am going to bring them.
So I'm not going to be doingany standup sets about cocaine
(01:33):
or sex or all the usual stuffthat I love to talk about.
So I thought to myself, what amI going to do this about?
And I thought, well, if my kidsare going to be watching me
with all these degeneratestand-ups, let's do it about
grandpa.
So this is going to be anall-grandpa set and we'll see
how it goes.
(01:53):
I've been preparing all day,I've been writing additional
jokes, I sort of have a bunch ofscattered thoughts, so it's a
lot of organizational, butthere's some exciting stuff and
we'll see if I'll share it withyou.
If you're lucky right now it is1.30 pm on a Wednesday In about
six hours I'll show up and putmy name on the list and then
(02:15):
we'll do it.
And then I'll come home andI'll see.
I'll see if you get to listento it.
That's's my choice, that's notyours.
Okay, so it's starting.
Stand up, run and gun style,and that's all I got.
Stand by.
Oh man, that's rubbish, that'srubbish.
(02:56):
Oh, my goodness, I just gotback from the open mic.
Oh yeah, oh, that's the ticket.
That was a special kind ofhumiliation.
Haven't felt that one in awhile.
Where do I begin?
Where do I begin?
Well, I'll say with the funnypart of the humiliation.
(03:17):
I picked up my kids from schooland I'm comfortable leaving them
home alone, but I was like guys.
I was like guys, I got to goperform tonight.
Why don't you come?
We can have a few burgers,maybe some ribs, and then you
guys, can I just do a quick fiveminute set about grandpa and
then we'll go home.
My son looked at me.
(03:38):
He goes dad about grandpa, andthen we'll go home.
My son looked at me.
He goes dad, I don't want to go, I don't want to see you suck.
And I was like I really didappreciate his honesty.
It made me laugh so hard.
So I was like it's true, youdon't want, you don't want to
see your dad suck at things.
And he just intuitively knewNow I've been building up
(03:58):
confidence in my stand-up and Iwas like you know I chuckled
because I was like he doesn'trealize that if he came and he
watched he'd probably be prettyproud because there's going to
be some good laughs.
I got some strong materialabout Grandpa and little did I
know that my son was dead nailsright, holy cow, that was
(04:24):
humiliating and I thankeverything, all the gods that my
children didn't witness that.
At one point.
I was reenacting a vocalexercise from acting school.
My back was on the disgustingfloor.
(04:45):
I had my feet above my headshaking.
I realized I had a hole in mypant crotch so I had my hand
covering what I only hope wasn'tmy balls hanging out.
And as I'm doing this bit whichI thought was going to have
people howling and I was doingthis bit and it was just
(05:07):
crickets Um, I suddenly see thephotographer just like come up
like she's shooting a porn, uhporn, and just take a picture
like just right up close, of meon the floor and I don't know
how to explain the humiliation Iwas feeling.
(05:30):
It was a.
It was worse than when I firstdid the acting exercise and
thought about what my dad wouldthink of me doing this the two
grand he was paying for me to dothis exercise on the floor of
the actor center in New York asa hungry 21 year old looking to
(05:54):
just open up the differentreverberation channels of his
instrument.
And I believe she has a photoof me basically in labor on the
Comedy Mill floor.
Anyway, I got up from that bitand I think I was beet red, not
(06:16):
from being prone on the groundbut from the shame I was feeling
and I ended up just saying likeI just told the audience you
know, I want you guys to know, Ithink that was the most
humiliating thing I've ever doneand that did get a laugh, but
it's a cop-out and yeah Look,I'm probably exaggerating how
(06:39):
bad it was.
I think my expectations formyself are getting much higher
and this was a very sobering,humbling experience.
It was a tough audience.
It was a lot of comics, somesurly built men and my subject
matter wasn't.
Perhaps I didn't win them overearly enough, wasn't?
(07:02):
Perhaps I didn't win them overearly enough Immediately started
talking about like a richcountry club dad, I didn't get
the audience on my side early.
And when you don't do that andyou start going boy, is it a, is
it a lonely feeling?
And then my whole brain wentshort circuit and I and I didn't
know what to say instead oflike just being fun and improv,
(07:22):
improv-y.
I think I had about 15 secondsof silence.
That's caught on tape as well,but again, that's gonna stay in
the vault.
We're not gonna share thatright now.
It's too soon.
We'll share that later, toosoon.
But I want you guys to hear.
I promised I'm going to justperform the set for you tonight,
(07:45):
and that'll be that.
So here's the set that I wishedit had sounded like, and it
most certainly did not.
There's something here.
I'm hoping to make it better,tighter and figure out a way to
really get an audience cookingon this one.
So back to the drawing board,and I thank you for being here,
(08:09):
and this is going to be a shortepisode because I'm a single dad
and I'm incredibly depressed.
Bye now.
Hey, how's it going?
I want to talk about my dadtoday.
My dad was born in 1940, newJersey.
Different time, way different.
Back then, men only got huggedif they survived the Titanic.
Yeah, he was a realbusinessman's businessman
(08:31):
Bespoke suits, country clubs,not changing diapers, obsessed
with Ivy League schools, eventhough he went to UVM, that's,
the University of Vermont, wherethe only requirement freshman
year was you're not allowed towear deodorant.
When I was 10 years old, hecaught me checking myself out in
the mirror.
I had this crush on a girlnamed Heather Burke.
(08:51):
Heather, shout out HeatherBurke, and he goes.
David, let me tell you about thedifferent types of men.
A Princeton man is so insecureabout his looks he stops at
every mirror he sees to fix hishair.
A Yale man is also insecure, nodoubt, but he doesn't want
(09:12):
anyone to know so he stealsquick glances at the mirror.
But a Harvard man a Harvard man, david never looks in mirrors
because he knows he looks good.
And I was like wait, didn't yougo to UVM?
What do Vermont guys do, dad,check for cow shit in their
beard?
No, that's not true.
(09:33):
I didn't say that at 10 yearsold, obviously I, I think.
I think, if I remembercorrectly, my 10 year old self
said I must go the queen.
My dad is very different than meand I respect the hell out of
(09:56):
that, but he's disappointed inme and that's okay.
I find it so strange whenpeople don't understand why
their parents are disappointedin them.
My dad was a powerfulcommercial real estate developer
who successfully raised sevenkids and his only son, his
namesake, wears makeup for aliving, became an actor.
(10:17):
For God's sakes, it's everyparent's worst nightmare.
I mean.
The only thing more awful forparents is when their kids try
to be stand-ups.
My dad is a real man.
Okay, puts on a suit, handleshis business, comes home, has
one or two vodkas, stress, eatsthe shitty chicken from the 365
ways to cook chicken.
(10:38):
We all gave my mom forChristmas the cookbook.
He gets disappointed with hiskids' table manners and then
huffs off to his room to keepworking and maybe watch a
European semi-erotic film.
That is a real man.
Meanwhile my kids watch me havean emotional breakdown because
I'm screwing up the part in anaudition self-tape where I have
(10:58):
to act surprised, opening animaginary door.
I'm going to act that out.
The guy my dad literally builtoffice buildings in Waltham.
The guy my dad literally builtoffice buildings in Waltham.
I built my pecs for a shirtlessscene where I get bent over a
piano by Stanley Tucci.
It's pathetic.
He practices speeches to boardsof major corporations.
(11:20):
I practice vocal exerciseswhere I have to get on my back
legs in the air and moan likeI'm giving birth.
When I was in school I doingthese exercises.
I would picture him watching melike I'm paying two grand for
this bullshit.
Of course my dad's disappointedin me, but now he's got dementia
(11:44):
, which is a terrible disease,and his mind is going pretty
fast.
But I have to say there aresome silver linings to dementia.
It's like suddenly I have Jedimind powers.
I'm like these aren't thedisappointments in your son
you're looking for.
You love me and are so proud ofme.
(12:05):
He's like a 230 poundEtch-A-S-sketch you just shake
him up and you can start over.
Write anything.
No, no, dad, becoming a stand-upwas your idea.
You begged me to turn down thatprivate wealth job at Goldman.
Yeah, oh no.
Yesterday we were talking aboutrewriting your will.
Yeah, let's take a look, see.
(12:25):
Have you heard of the termprimogenitor?
Let me explain it.
I think I've started to go toofar, though.
Like last week I told him UVMwas ranked number one in the US
News and World Report collegerankings above Harvard, and he's
just eyes lit up, like really.
I'm like, yeah, harvard's goneto shit, dad.
(12:45):
Uvm men are the ones who don'tgive a shit about mirrors now.
And then I showed him the newHarvard football cheer and
dropped down and do the legexercise.
He goes, go Crimson.
He actually called bullshit onthat.
So he's still in theresomewhere.
Love you dad.
(13:06):
There somewhere, love you Dad.
Hey, what's up?
How are you?
Excellent?
Yeah, I'm doing well.
Thanks, yeah, it's been.
Oh man, spring can't get heresoon enough, so cold.
Yeah, I don't know where tofind bulbs.
No, I've been seeing them atCostco, though they have a ton
(00:20):
for sale.
Is it too late?
I see First frost is in April,or, oh, april 25th, okay, well,
yeah, I'm a bit of a black thumb, so you shouldn't take any
advice from me, that's right.
Yeah, no, I, uh, all I know howto do is grow weeds.
Who was that?
(00:41):
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe a parent.
Okay, so, wild day, wild day.
We're going to do an all sameday here.
What's happening is I'm alonewith my children.
My wife has left me.
I'm a single dad for a coupleweeks.
My kids.
(01:07):
There is an open mic tonight ateight o'clock in Biddeford.
The Portland Press Herald ismeeting me there.
There's going to be a littlephoto shoot and then they're
going to watch my open mic andI'm.
I can leave my kids at home.
They're 12 and 11.
But I'm not going to, becausethe police listen to this show
and I am going to bring them.
So I'm not going to be doingany standup sets about cocaine
(01:33):
or sex or all the usual stuffthat I love to talk about.
So I thought to myself, what amI going to do this about?
And I thought, well, if my kidsare going to be watching me
with all these degeneratestand-ups, let's do it about
grandpa.
So this is going to be anall-grandpa set and we'll see
how it goes.
(01:53):
I've been preparing all day,I've been writing additional
jokes, I sort of have a bunch ofscattered thoughts, so it's a
lot of organizational, butthere's some exciting stuff and
we'll see if I'll share it withyou.
If you're lucky right now it is1.30 pm on a Wednesday In about
six hours I'll show up and putmy name on the list and then
(02:15):
we'll do it.
And then I'll come home andI'll see.
I'll see if you get to listento it.
That's's my choice, that's notyours.
Okay, so it's starting.
Stand up, run and gun style,and that's all I got.
Stand by.
Oh man, that's rubbish, that'srubbish.
(02:56):
Oh, my goodness, I just gotback from the open mic.
Oh yeah, oh, that's the ticket.
That was a special kind ofhumiliation.
Haven't felt that one in awhile.
Where do I begin?
Where do I begin?
Well, I'll say with the funnypart of the humiliation.
(03:17):
I picked up my kids from schooland I'm comfortable leaving them
home alone, but I was like guys.
I was like guys, I got to goperform tonight.
Why don't you come?
We can have a few burgers,maybe some ribs, and then you
guys, can I just do a quick fiveminute set about grandpa and
then we'll go home.
My son looked at me.
(03:38):
He goes dad about grandpa, andthen we'll go home.
My son looked at me.
He goes dad, I don't want to go, I don't want to see you suck.
And I was like I really didappreciate his honesty.
It made me laugh so hard.
So I was like it's true, youdon't want, you don't want to
see your dad suck at things.
And he just intuitively knewNow I've been building up
(03:58):
confidence in my stand-up and Iwas like you know I chuckled
because I was like he doesn'trealize that if he came and he
watched he'd probably be prettyproud because there's going to
be some good laughs.
I got some strong materialabout Grandpa and little did I
know that my son was dead nailsright, holy cow, that was
(04:24):
humiliating and I thankeverything, all the gods that my
children didn't witness that.
At one point.
I was reenacting a vocalexercise from acting school.
My back was on the disgustingfloor.
(04:45):
I had my feet above my headshaking.
I realized I had a hole in mypant crotch so I had my hand
covering what I only hope wasn'tmy balls hanging out.
And as I'm doing this bit whichI thought was going to have
people howling and I was doingthis bit and it was just
(05:07):
crickets Um, I suddenly see thephotographer just like come up
like she's shooting a porn, uhporn, and just take a picture
like just right up close, of meon the floor and I don't know
how to explain the humiliation Iwas feeling.
(05:30):
It was a.
It was worse than when I firstdid the acting exercise and
thought about what my dad wouldthink of me doing this the two
grand he was paying for me to dothis exercise on the floor of
the actor center in New York asa hungry 21 year old looking to
(05:54):
just open up the differentreverberation channels of his
instrument.
And I believe she has a photoof me basically in labor on the
Comedy Mill floor.
Anyway, I got up from that bitand I think I was beet red, not
(06:16):
from being prone on the groundbut from the shame I was feeling
and I ended up just saying likeI just told the audience you
know, I want you guys to know, Ithink that was the most
humiliating thing I've ever doneand that did get a laugh, but
it's a cop-out and yeah Look,I'm probably exaggerating how
(06:39):
bad it was.
I think my expectations formyself are getting much higher
and this was a very sobering,humbling experience.
It was a tough audience.
It was a lot of comics, somesurly built men and my subject
matter wasn't.
Perhaps I didn't win them overearly enough, wasn't?
(07:02):
Perhaps I didn't win them overearly enough Immediately started
talking about like a richcountry club dad, I didn't get
the audience on my side early.
And when you don't do that andyou start going boy, is it a, is
it a lonely feeling?
And then my whole brain wentshort circuit and I and I didn't
know what to say instead oflike just being fun and improv,
(07:22):
improv-y.
I think I had about 15 secondsof silence.
That's caught on tape as well,but again, that's gonna stay in
the vault.
We're not gonna share thatright now.
It's too soon.
We'll share that later, toosoon.
But I want you guys to hear.
I promised I'm going to justperform the set for you tonight,
(07:45):
and that'll be that.
So here's the set that I wishedit had sounded like, and it
most certainly did not.
There's something here.
I'm hoping to make it better,tighter and figure out a way to
really get an audience cookingon this one.
So back to the drawing board,and I thank you for being here,
(08:09):
and this is going to be a shortepisode because I'm a single dad
and I'm incredibly depressed.
Bye now.
Hey, how's it going?
I want to talk about my dadtoday.
My dad was born in 1940, newJersey.
Different time, way different.
Back then, men only got huggedif they survived the Titanic.
Yeah, he was a realbusinessman's businessman
(08:31):
Bespoke suits, country clubs,not changing diapers, obsessed
with Ivy League schools, eventhough he went to UVM, that's,
the University of Vermont, wherethe only requirement freshman
year was you're not allowed towear deodorant.
When I was 10 years old, hecaught me checking myself out in
the mirror.
I had this crush on a girlnamed Heather Burke.
(08:51):
Heather, shout out HeatherBurke, and he goes.
David, let me tell you about thedifferent types of men.
A Princeton man is so insecureabout his looks he stops at
every mirror he sees to fix hishair.
A Yale man is also insecure, nodoubt, but he doesn't want
(09:12):
anyone to know so he stealsquick glances at the mirror.
But a Harvard man a Harvard man, david never looks in mirrors
because he knows he looks good.
And I was like wait, didn't yougo to UVM?
What do Vermont guys do, dad,check for cow shit in their
beard?
No, that's not true.
(09:33):
I didn't say that at 10 yearsold, obviously I, I think.
I think, if I remembercorrectly, my 10 year old self
said I must go the queen.
My dad is very different than meand I respect the hell out of
(09:56):
that, but he's disappointed inme and that's okay.
I find it so strange whenpeople don't understand why
their parents are disappointedin them.
My dad was a powerfulcommercial real estate developer
who successfully raised sevenkids and his only son, his
namesake, wears makeup for aliving, became an actor.
(10:17):
For God's sakes, it's everyparent's worst nightmare.
I mean.
The only thing more awful forparents is when their kids try
to be stand-ups.
My dad is a real man.
Okay, puts on a suit, handleshis business, comes home, has
one or two vodkas, stress, eatsthe shitty chicken from the 365
ways to cook chicken.
(10:38):
We all gave my mom forChristmas the cookbook.
He gets disappointed with hiskids' table manners and then
huffs off to his room to keepworking and maybe watch a
European semi-erotic film.
That is a real man.
Meanwhile my kids watch me havean emotional breakdown because
I'm screwing up the part in anaudition self-tape where I have
(10:58):
to act surprised, opening animaginary door.
I'm going to act that out.
The guy my dad literally builtoffice buildings in Waltham.
The guy my dad literally builtoffice buildings in Waltham.
I built my pecs for a shirtlessscene where I get bent over a
piano by Stanley Tucci.
It's pathetic.
He practices speeches to boardsof major corporations.
(11:20):
I practice vocal exerciseswhere I have to get on my back
legs in the air and moan likeI'm giving birth.
When I was in school I doingthese exercises.
I would picture him watching melike I'm paying two grand for
this bullshit.
Of course my dad's disappointedin me, but now he's got dementia
(11:44):
, which is a terrible disease,and his mind is going pretty
fast.
But I have to say there aresome silver linings to dementia.
It's like suddenly I have Jedimind powers.
I'm like these aren't thedisappointments in your son
you're looking for.
You love me and are so proud ofme.
(12:05):
He's like a 230 poundEtch-A-S-sketch you just shake
him up and you can start over.
Write anything.
No, no, dad, becoming a stand-upwas your idea.
You begged me to turn down thatprivate wealth job at Goldman.
Yeah, oh no.
Yesterday we were talking aboutrewriting your will.
Yeah, let's take a look, see.
(12:25):
Have you heard of the termprimogenitor?
Let me explain it.
I think I've started to go toofar, though.
Like last week I told him UVMwas ranked number one in the US
News and World Report collegerankings above Harvard, and he's
just eyes lit up, like really.
I'm like, yeah, harvard's goneto shit, dad.
(12:45):
Uvm men are the ones who don'tgive a shit about mirrors now.
And then I showed him the newHarvard football cheer and
dropped down and do the legexercise.
He goes, go Crimson.
He actually called bullshit onthat.
So he's still in theresomewhere.
Love you dad.
(13:06):
There somewhere, love you Dad.
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