May 15, 2025 • 31 mins
Looking for inspiration David does a word perfect performance of Anthony Jeselnik's Bones and All 2024 Netflix standup special.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, hello, welcome to Starting Stand-Up in Maine
with David Walton.
I am your host, david Walton,and I'm so happy you're here.
So this week's episode.
Look, I'm in a bit of a rut.
I'm in a bit of a slump.
We've had a lot going on inlife and I haven't gotten up on
stage in a few weeks.
My writing has stalled and I'mjust sort of feeling this kind
(00:25):
of doubt creep in, let's call it.
And I had an idea.
I'm obsessed with Hunter SThompson.
I've done a lot of research onhim and he did this thing when
he was starting out as a writer,where he wrote out on a
typewriter the Great Gatsby, sohe could feel what it's like to
(00:48):
write a great American novel,and it helped him understand
what a good sentence is and itsomehow got greatness into him.
So he claimed so.
In the spirit of that, one ofmy favorite comedians is Anthony
Jeselnik.
He is extremely dark.
He has sort of one style ofjoke.
(01:09):
Almost his entire career ismade up of these extreme
misleads, but they're very dark,gruesome and heavy.
But he pulls it off and thecrowd, young and old, men and
women, moral and immoral alllaugh their asses off.
(01:30):
So he's a very, very specialcomedian.
So I thought why not makeAnthony's special my Great
Gatsby and maybe it will help mere-engage.
It's like that scene in Top Gunwhere Goose is dead and Maverick
(01:51):
takes responsibility.
Goose was Maverick's Rio and hewas his responsibility.
And now his responsibility isdead and Maverick has to keep
training with a new rio, in thiscase sundown, and every time he
is up there in the air and hehas to engage and start dog
(02:15):
fighting, he says it doesn'tlook good and sundown says it
doesn't look any better thanthis Mav.
And then Maverick freaks thefuck out and tells Sundown, I
will fire when I am goddamn goodand ready.
And Maverick just is nevergoing to be ready until the
(02:35):
climax of the movie, as you know.
But there's a faith, there's atrust that Mike Metcalf call
signper has in Maverick, and sohe tells Jester, keep sending
them up.
And so I have a voice in myhead that's just like Mike
Medcalf call sign Viper thatsays even though you're in a rut
(02:58):
and even though you don't feellike writing and even though you
don't even feel like recording,you just got to keep going.
And I'm so happy that I haveViper in my head because I did
muscle it out.
And I actually ran through thefollowing standup special of
(03:18):
Anthony Jeselnik a couple oftimes.
Once I kind of did in myimitation of him and then I
listened to it and I was likethis sucks.
And then I just did it in myown style, my own way, and that
felt much better and it feltlike, oh, wait, a minute, maybe
I can do this.
And it gave me a little, gaveme some zhuzh.
(03:38):
Have I re-engaged?
Uh, we'll see.
But I certainly feel a lotcloser and I'll thank Sundown
for backing the fuck off.
All right, without further ado,here is my word-for-word,
word-perfect retelling of theAnthony Jeselnik stand-up
(04:00):
special from 2024, available onNetflix, called Bones and All.
Please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(04:23):
That's rubbish.
Yeah, thanks very much.
Yeah, thank you, thank you, I'mgoing to do it my way.
I'll do it my way.
Thank you for all.
Yeah, thank you all for comingto the show tonight.
I do appreciate it.
In case you guys don't know why,I'm on tour right now, as of a
couple months ago, I've beendoing stand-up comedy for 20
years.
Yeah, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you,
(04:46):
thank you, thank you.
Yeah, my agent said to meAnthony, 20 years is a major
accomplishment for any comedian.
You've got to celebrate.
Pick some of your favoritecities, go perform for them.
And I said no, thank you, I'drather go to Milwaukee, but look
, I am excited to be heretonight.
I've got great news After 20years of stand-up comedy, just
last weekend I finally perfectedmy act.
Don't get me wrong.
(05:10):
I thought it was perfect before.
I ran into an audience memberafter my show last Saturday who
told me different.
Last Saturday night I'm doing ashow in New York.
After my set I'm trying to getout to the car, a woman from the
audience chases me down,practically tackles me.
She says Anthony, that lastjoke you told tonight your
closer.
I got to tell you that joke isproblematic, you need to think
(05:35):
about it and you need to changeit.
So I changed it and now it's myopener.
So what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to tell you that joke and
explain what happened with thatwoman and then nail home the
point that I'm the best Now as acomedian.
I've got a responsibility, aresponsibility that I take very
seriously.
The responsibility is to get upin front of a group of
strangers and give you myopinion on the trans community.
Yep, that's right.
Look, guys, you got to do it.
Now it's in the handbook.
(05:55):
Now I feel like the transcommunity are the new pregnant
women.
Just in that.
It's never polite to guess.
You got to trust me on this.
You never want to be like, hey,how far along are you?
Are you going to keep it?
No, no, don't do that, even ifyou're right.
It's rude.
Do what I do.
I'm smooth with it.
I don't ask the question.
(06:16):
If I want to find something out, I just offer you a drink here,
have this glass of bourbon, andif they take the drink, they're
trans.
Now, obviously, obviously,that's a closer and I could
leave right now and I'd be fine.
But this woman grabs me, startsarguing with me.
She says, anthony, I got to askyou what is your intention with
(06:39):
that trans joke.
I said well, my intention is tomake trans people laugh.
I mean, could you imagine thatwould be historic.
She says well, anthony, anthony, you're probably not even aware
of this, but the problem withyour joke is some trans people
are insecure about the fact thatthey can't have kids of their
own and your joke makes it soundlike you're saying the opposite
of a pregnant woman is a transwoman and that can be hurtful,
and I agree that could behurtful, but not coming from me.
(07:02):
You see, I love trans people.
I empathize with the transcommunity.
I'm not trans myself, but I tooam always getting yelled at for
walking into the wrong bathroom.
I love trans people.
You know what I hate?
Pregnant women.
I mean, fuck those chubbybitches.
Am I right?
They shouldn't be allowed toplay sports?
Now, look, look, I will admit.
I will admit that that was alearning moment for me.
(07:24):
Before that woman grabbed me, Ididn't know that trans people
hated pregnant women as much asI do.
It makes me respect them allthe more so.
Just in case anyone here istrans and you were offended by
my first joke, here's a joke Itailor wrote just for you to
enjoy.
Last week I saw a pregnantwoman get hit by a bus, or as I
like to call it, a gender revealparty.
(07:44):
What are you guys laughing at?
That's not for you, that's formy trans friends Don't like
pregnant women, don't like kids.
One of my friends just asked meif I would be the sperm donor
for her baby and I said I don'tknow.
That's a pretty big decision.
How old is your baby If you'rewalking in late.
I hate kids.
Yeah, I hate them so much, it'smy whole thing.
And what surprises me is, nowthat I'm getting older I've got
friends, family members, havingkids of their own, and I don't
(08:07):
judge.
I mean, throw your life away.
What surprises me is thesepeople will text me pictures of
their kids.
Anthony will want to see thisSend.
I never want to see that.
The only time a kid shows up onmy phone and I'm happy about it
, amber Alert.
Otherwise, do not get my hopesup.
I used to ignore those textsfrom my friends.
Pretend I didn't see them,never respond.
(08:28):
Then my sister had a kidstarted getting mad at me.
She'd be like really, anthony,no response.
You got nothing to say aboutthis picture of your beautiful
niece fucking up finger painting.
So I came up with a plan.
Now, anytime anyone texts me apicture of their kids, I write
back the exact same response.
Thanks, going to save this onefor later.
(08:48):
Yep, now it works.
You guys can use that.
It works.
I haven't heard from my sisterin a year.
It's the best.
Like a lot of people, I spendmost of the pandemic stuck
inside staring at the walls,going crazy.
I started buying weird shitonline, decided I was going to
redecorate my place and I don'tknow anything about interior
design, but I know what I like.
So I went on eBay and I paid$500 for a child's coffin.
(09:10):
I thought this will be great.
It's vintage.
You put that in your livingroom.
It's a conversation starter,you know.
But like so many of the thingswe bought online during the
pandemic, I regret it.
Now.
Thing finally showed up in themail, empty.
I know I know.
Look, guys, guys, guys.
I hate kids so goddamn much.
I can't talk to kids these days.
(09:31):
The other day my little nephewcame up to me said Uncle Anthony
, I'm getting bullied by anotherkid in school.
I said don't put up with that,break his nose, he'll leave you
alone.
And he said Uncle Anthony,that's toxic masculinity.
Well, I wasn't going to put upwith that.
Listen, you guys came out hereto have a good time on a
Saturday night.
I know what you want.
You want to talk politics.
Let's go.
Let me tell you what's wrongwith this country.
(09:51):
Let me tell you what theproblem is with the United
States of America.
In this country, you got to be16 years old to drive a car.
Right, that makes sense, butyou got to be 18 years old to be
considered an adult to vote.
I think that's fucked up.
I think if you're old enoughand mature enough to safely
drive a car on the street, thenI should be allowed to have sex
with you, right?
Anyway, that's the only problemwith this country.
(10:14):
Now, as of this weekend, I'vebeen on tour with this material
for 18 months and my favoritething about touring around the
country with these jokes thepast 18 months has been telling
that last joke in the South.
Guys, I have learned so muchabout this great country of ours
.
Right at the beginning of thistour 18 months ago, I was doing
a show in Alabama.
Told them that joke.
Guy in the audience stands upand says Anthony, I hate to
(10:35):
break it to you, but the age ofconsent in Alabama is 16.
So you got to change that.
I said, oh yeah, you got tochange that.
And then, a couple of weekslater, I did a show in
Mississippi and I told him thatjoke and then told him about
Alabama.
Guy in the audience stands upand says in Mississippi, the age
of consent is 14.
And I said, holy shit, that'sperfect.
(10:58):
I mean, that is what thefounding fathers were all about.
You know, I have a friend whoworks for the FBI.
He pretends to be a 12-year-oldgirl, goes on the internet and
chats with child molesters allday.
I don't know what he does forthe FBI, but it's got to be.
You know, something big.
I feel like the big new thing Ikeep hearing more and more
about these days is pornaddiction.
I feel like every time I turnaround someone is complaining
about their porn addiction Notme, I can handle my shit.
(11:22):
But a couple months ago I'm at afamily reunion, big Jessel Nick
family reunion.
Everyone's there.
The very first night we're allin this giant ballroom eating
dinner together as a family.
When my cousin stands up, he's15 years old and he says I have
an announcement to make.
I just want to tell you allthat I've been suffering from a
porn addiction and it's terribleand I'm doing my best to get
over it.
Now no one in my family knowswhat to say.
(11:42):
Generations of Jesselniks arejust staring straight ahead
trying to eat their dinner.
So I stood up and I said hey,man, we can watch something else
.
Look, I can put the game on ifyou want.
When's the next time we're allgoing to be together.
You know I don't have a pornaddiction.
I watch a healthy amount ofporn.
I got my favorites.
Hell, I was in a bar the othernight, saw my favorite porn star
(12:03):
of all time sitting at the endof the bar by herself.
I at the end of the bar byherself.
I couldn't believe it, calledthe bartender over hey man, I'll
have another beer and see thatgirl down there.
She shouldn't be here, she's 13.
Now this is where audiencestraditionally start to complain.
They'll say Anthony, why do youhave so many jokes about
abusing children and why do youdo all of them in the beginning?
And this is where I kind of Ihave to stop the show for a
(12:24):
minute and then I explain to theaudience the concept of gallows
humor.
Gallows humor is what I'm allabout Now.
Gallows humor is when you seesomething in the world that is
so horrible that you have tolaugh at it, otherwise it would
destroy you.
A couple months ago I'm readingthe newspaper and I come across
an article about a priest in myhometown who just got arrested
for molesting an altar boy atthe exact same church where I
(12:44):
was an altar boy growing up.
It was horrifying to read.
That could have been me if Ihad become a priest.
Yeah, we like to have fun.
I'm proud to say that I'venever once in my entire life
paid money to have sex with aprostitute, and I'll tell you
this.
They get so mad.
You know, here's one thing Ilike about Milwaukee and there's
one thing I like aboutMilwaukee it seems like a safe
(13:07):
place to live.
Yeah, maybe not to you, butcompared to where I live in Los
Angeles, oh my God, this isparadise.
My neighborhood's really goneto shit in the past couple years
.
It's gotten dangerous.
The other day a woman in myneighborhood was walking her dog
, had the dog stolen from her atgunpoint.
Now it's my dog.
I actually do love it here inMilwaukee.
I enjoy any time I get to comeand perform.
One of the all-time greatstand-up comedy towns Milwaukee.
(13:29):
Yep Cheers me up to be back inMilwaukee, I'll tell you that.
And I've needed cheering uplately too.
I've been a little down lately.
I'll admit it.
Lost a friend recently.
It's stupid.
A friend of mine went to thehospital for an elective surgery
, just simple breast reductionsurgery.
Did not survive the surgery,died right there on the
operating table.
As far as I'm concerned, yeah,somehow that's become one of the
(13:53):
most polarizing jokes I'm goingto tell all night, and if you
didn't laugh at it, that's okay.
But what the fuck do you know?
I've been doing this for 20years and, I'll be honest, I had
no idea it had been 20 yearsbefore my agent told me.
I never thought of 20 years asa goal I should be trying to
achieve.
I've never defined success bylongevity.
(14:14):
I've always defined success byhow long has it been since I had
to have a roommate?
No, it's true, I haven't had aroommate in 15 years.
I'm 45.
That's not a flex.
The last roommate I ever had,last roommate I ever had, he had
a video of every single personhe'd ever had sex with in our
apartment.
Oh, it's a betrayal of trust,but it was hilarious.
He had no idea.
Another way I define success asan artist how long has it been
(14:37):
since I had to have a day job?
Again, 15 years.
I hated the day jobs I had tohave coming up.
Imagine what I was like at aday job 15 years ago.
Yeah, I had this one day job.
Someone kept stealing my lunch.
Someone stole my lunch everysingle day, even though I
clearly had my name written onit and I was pretty sure I knew
who did it.
I just couldn't prove it.
So one day before work Icrushed up an entire bottle of
(14:58):
laxatives enough laxatives tocripple a man and I put them in
my food.
And then I waited until thisguy got up to go to the bathroom
and as soon as he did I shitall over his desk.
I got fired from most of my dayjobs all of them, really all of
them except the last one.
Last day job I ever had.
I worked in a giant, soullesscorporate office building and I
(15:19):
quit in the middle of the dayafter I watched a 60-year-old
woman accidentally step into anempty elevator shaft and plummet
30 stories to her death.
I just walked right the fuckout and that was my last day in
elevator repair.
If there's one thing I'm gettingsick of after 20 years of
stand-up comedy, it's the travel.
I always say I do the shows forfree, you pay me to travel, and
(15:41):
that is certainly true tonight,two nights ago.
I fly from New York City toMilwaukee Two and a half hour
flight, it's direct, should beeasy.
Get on the plane.
The woman sitting next to mehas a hundred pound dog curled
up in her lap and I say, excuseme, what the fuck is this?
This woman, I swear to God.
She rolls her eyes at me andshe goes.
This is my emotional supportanimal.
I have a note from my doctorand I was like a note from your
(16:03):
doctor.
Do you really need an emotionalsupport animal on this flight?
And she goes no, and I thoughtmy head was going to explode.
I don't like when people takeadvantage of the system like
that.
It's a two and a half hourflight, so I talked to her about
it and I'm happy to report, bythe time we landed she needed
that fucking dog.
Now, air travel has gotten souncomfortable in the past few
(16:24):
years.
But everyone I know who flies alot like I do they always have
a little trick.
Everyone's got their own uniquetrick to make flying easier for
them, like I'm friends with avery wealthy married couple.
They're millionaires andthey've got six kids in between
the two of them.
They're always flying off onsome exotic family vacation and
whenever they fly, their trickis the family flies on two
separate airplanes.
That way, worst case scenario,one of those plane crashes they
(16:47):
don't have to deal with theirkids anymore.
But look if I'm being honestwith you guys.
If I'm being honest, I don'tactually have any married
friends.
I used to.
I used to have a lot of marriedfriends, but all my married
friends have gotten divorced inthe past two years All of them.
But I've noticed something Allmy friends' divorces, they all
had two things in commonInfidelity and me.
(17:08):
Hey, listen, all right, listen,you guys have been great so far.
I hate to do this to you, butthis next joke is going to be
too smart for the crowd.
So, don't worry, I will explainit to you.
And after all, aren't those thebest jokes?
Sigmund Freud's mom must havebeen so fucking hot.
Okay, you get that Now.
A lot of you were faking it forthe cameras.
Let me explain Dr Sigmund Freud, the most famous psychoanalyst
(17:30):
of all time.
His main theory, his main claimto fame, was the theory that
every young man wanted to murderhis own father and have sex
with his own mother.
Now imagine, imagine how hothis mom must have been for his
colleagues to go.
Yeah, yes, freud published that.
I was 14 years old when I walkedin on my parents having sex.
(17:51):
That's a big moment for anyyoung man, that moment when you
realize your parents are morethan just mom and dad.
They're also swingers.
Oh, it was a core memory forsure.
I'll never forget that.
I'll never forget the night ofmy senior prom Night of my
senior prom.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm at home putting on my tuxedowhen my dad walked in the room
and he handed me a condom, snuckit to me in a handshake so
(18:12):
fucking gross.
And then he looks me right inthe eyes and he says anthony, do
you have any questions?
And I said, yeah, dad, do youhave one?
That's still in the wrapper.
And my dad was freaking weird,fucking weird.
Okay, like all your dads areweird.
When you're a kid you can'trecognize how weird your parents
are.
It's not until you get olderthat you figure it out.
Like when I was a little kid,every year on my birthday, my
(18:32):
dad would take me into thekitchen, put me up against the
kitchen wall and make a littlemark to measure my girth, and
maybe that messed me up a little, I don't know.
I feel like I'm a pretty normalguy, although I do get angry
when people try to talk to meabout sex.
I was having lunch with afriend the other day and he says
Anthony, I've been havingtrouble with premature
(18:53):
ejaculation and I said, oh yeah,why don't you try talking about
baseball?
And he said, anthony, don't youmean thinking about baseball?
And I said I don't give a fuckwhat you think about, just don't
talk to me about your prematureejaculation.
When I was growing up, I had asibling rivalry with my little
brother.
It got out of hand, to be quitehonest.
One day my little brother wentinto the backyard, took my dog's
(19:15):
collar off and let it run awayfrom home, so I poisoned his
fish.
I think I won that one, becausethe next day I went out and I
found my dog.
I put his collar back on,brought him back home, but my
brother, he died from the salmon.
Yeah, it's a banger.
Last year my parents lost alltheir money in a Ponzi scheme.
So of course they came to metheir wealthy, successful son
(19:37):
and asked me why I did that.
Yeah, my family didn't have alot of money.
When I was growing up, my dadwas a volunteer firefighter.
Do you know what a volunteerfirefighter is?
It's exactly like a regularfirefighter, except your son
does not respect you.
My mom's been having a hard time.
She's getting paranoid in herold age, can't sleep at night
(19:57):
because she gets too scared.
So every night around bedtimeshe calls me to complain on the
phone for hours that she's tooafraid to fall asleep in her own
home.
So finally, after months ofthis, just to get her off my
back, I bought her a gun.
And now she's scared about that.
She says, anthony, what's thematter with you?
Don't you know that people wholive with a gun are more than
twice as likely to be shot intheir own home?
And I said, mom, I am countingon it and look, maybe maybe I'm
(20:20):
being too harsh.
I have trouble sleepingsometimes too, like the other
night.
The other night I'm lying inbed, I cannot fall asleep Just
staring out my bedroom windowfor hours.
And I swear I saw my next doorneighbor murder his wife in
their kitchen, then dispose ofthe body in garbage bags.
And now I'm worried.
I'm next Like I don't think hesaw me, but he sure as shit
heard me clapping.
Now here's a joke I like a lot.
(20:41):
My cousin Randy is.
He's maybe the dumbest personI've ever met in my life, my
entire life.
Like dumbest guy I've ever met.
The other day he comes up andhe goes Anthony, check out my
new tattoo.
It's the Japanese symbol forawesome.
No, randy, that is a swastika.
I mean, fuck man, everybodyknows, everybody knows that's
(21:01):
the German symbol for awesome.
Now I said I like that joke alot.
Here's how much I like thatjoke.
I used to open with it.
Right at the beginning of thistour 18 months ago, kanye West
came to one of my shows.
Now I had no idea he was eventhere.
I didn't even find out untilthe next day when Kanye went on
a podcast and he said I went togo see Anthony Jeselnik last
night and his opening joke is sohigh level that it made me
realize I'm not funny.
(21:22):
And, guys, that just blew mymind.
That's the best compliment I'veever gotten in my life.
I humbled Kanye West, you know,yeah, and I'm not going to lie,
I was so excited.
I watched that clip a hundredtimes.
I sent it to my manager.
I said put this on my website,put this on social media, let's
sell some fucking tickets with alittle help from Kanye.
And my manager says to meAnthony, are you out of your
(21:43):
goddamn mind?
Don't you know what's beengoing on with Kanye lately?
And I said no, honest to that.
I used to be a huge Kanye fan,but I stopped paying attention
to him when he went Christian.
My manager says well, in thepast two weeks alone, kanye's
been wearing White Lives Mattert-shirts and saying wild
anti-Semitic shit.
And I was like, oh he went,super Christian, crazy son of a
(22:04):
bitch.
Finally finished the whole book, my manager said look, anthony,
you can use this clip of Kanyeto promote yourself if you want
to, but if you do, you got todrop the swastika joke.
You got to stop doing it forsure.
Otherwise you're going to startto attract the wrong kinds of
fans and your current fans willtake the wrong lesson from what
you're doing.
And that's how much I like thatjoke.
(22:27):
I'm against cancel culture,thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's my impression of a shitcomic trying to get on Rogan.
In 20 years of stand-up comedy,I've been asked the same
questions over and over and overand over again.
The question I get asked themost by far is Anthony, what do
you think about cancel culture?
Does it make you mad?
Aren't you scared?
What do you think about cancelculture?
So let me be clear I don't givea fuck about cancel culture.
(22:49):
What I am sick of are comedianscomplaining about cancel
culture.
It's not that hard.
Do your job.
Comedians are supposed to beunparalleled badasses.
I know this because I have afucking mirror.
Yeah, cancel culture is notscary.
It's also not interesting andit's definitely not new.
Back when I was in college, Ihad this crazy professor Made
(23:09):
all of his students fill outtheir own suicide note and then
he would read them out loud tothe rest of the class and as
soon as the parents found out hegot fired immediately.
And I was the only one whostood up for him because, hey,
you know he made math fun.
And yes, I did mention JoeRogan.
Guys, do not get me wrong.
I like Joe Joe's my friend.
He's a good guy, but if youlisten to his podcast you're a
(23:30):
fucking loser.
My brother-in-law is JoeRogan's biggest fan, never
misses an episode.
Doesn't think four hours islong enough, but my
brother-in-law is Joe Rogan'starget demographic.
My brother-in-law is aconspiracy theorist.
A crazy conspiracy theorist,like my brother-in-law, refuses
to become an organ donor becausehe swears that if you get into
an accident and the paramedicssee that you're an organ donor,
(23:50):
they won't try to save your lifebecause they want to use your
organs to help someone else.
It's insane, but I can't evenargue with him.
He's a paramedic.
Another question I've been askeda million times in the last 20
years Anthony, what's yourfavorite joke you've ever
written?
And it's easy the first one 20years ago.
When I started this, I startedfrom nothing.
I was nothing.
I was just going around to openmics in Los Angeles performing
(24:13):
for bitter open mic comedianswho never reacted to anything.
I was just trying to find myvoice.
Could I be good at this?
Could I make it a living?
And it took a while, until onenight I went to a coffee shop.
I tried this joke out for thefirst time and it changed my
whole life.
I said guys, my girlfriendloves to eat chocolate, she's
always eating chocolate and shelikes to joke that she's got a
(24:34):
chocolate addiction.
Hmm, keep me away fromchocolate bars.
I'm addicted to them and it'sreally annoying.
So one day I put her in the carand I drove her downtown and I
pointed out a crack addict and Isaid do you see that honey?
Why can't you be that skinny?
(24:55):
And I will never forget tellingthat joke for the very first
time to a room full of bitteropen mic comedians who never
reacted to anything and thewhole room just went oh.
And I was like, oh, I'm goingto be a fucking star.
And then, of course, a coupleyears later, I got my big break
and I got to do some roasting.
(25:15):
I got to roast Donald Trump,charlie Sheen, roseanne Barr,
all the greats.
And people still ask me,anthony, which one was your
favorite?
Charlie Sheen, but not becauseof Charlie Sheen.
I don't give a fuck aboutCharlie Sheen.
I remember a couple of daysbefore that roast I'm at home
writing jokes and I get a phonecall from the network and they
say Anthony, I know you onlyhave a couple of days left to
(25:35):
write, but we just added MikeTyson to the program.
Will you be able to write anyjokes about Mike Tyson?
Two days later, I'm walkinginto that roast with 100 jokes
about Mike Tyson.
I'm so excited.
And right as I go to sit down,a guy from the network comes
back and he goes I'm just doublechecking with you.
You don't have any Mike Tysonrape jokes, do you?
(25:57):
And I said why?
And he said well, it was almostimpossible to get Mike Tyson to
agree to appear on a televisedroast.
We had to promise him therewould be no rape jokes.
And I was like, are we talkingabout the same Mike Tyson.
So now the roast has begun.
I'm up at the podium, Camerasare rolling, I have zero jokes
(26:17):
about Mike Tyson and I'm madabout it.
But out of the corner of my eyeI can see Mike Tyson sitting on
the stage.
Now Mike's been drinking,mike's been smoking, mike's
laughing and everything.
Mike's responding to jokes thataren't even about him.
Mike Tyson's having the time ofhis life.
So I think you know what I cando one.
So I said I think Mike Tyson'sbiggest problem is Mike never
(26:40):
had a strong male role modelgrowing up.
Mike's dad walked out on thefamily very early on after Mike
raped him.
Now, as soon as I tell thisjoke, as soon as I tell it, I
regret it.
I am afraid I am.
I turned to look at Mike Tysonto see is he coming at me?
I'm about to die and I just seeMike Tyson throw his head back
and he goes.
(27:01):
He got you, charlie Guys.
In 20 years of standup comedyI've gotten to meet so many
famous people.
I haven't given a fuck aboutany of them, except for one, and
that was Norm Macdonald.
Yep, all right, long before Iever even consider becoming a
comedian, I worshipped NormMacDonald.
He was my hero when I was a kid.
He's still my hero today.
(27:21):
Never got to meet him for thelongest time.
Then, a couple years ago, I geta phone call from my agent.
He says, anthony, how would youlike to be the new host of Last
Comic Standing?
And I said, why the fuck wouldI want to do that?
That show sucks.
And he said this year it'sgoing to be different.
This year they have NormMacDonald as a judge.
Would you like to work withNorm?
(27:42):
And I signed up on the spot.
I mean, norm and I made eightepisodes of this TV show
together, eight straight nightsof eight hour tapings every
night.
And for the first four episodesNorm MacDonald and I do not get
along at all.
We get into fights every nighton the air.
We get into fights every nightbackstage.
We flat out do not like eachother and it's killing me.
(28:03):
He's my hero and the onlyreason I took this job.
So for those first fourepisodes I am working at it and
I'm working at it hard andNorm's working at it too, just
not nearly as hard.
But after four episodes, forwhatever reason, something
clicks and finally Norm and Iare laughing together.
We're getting along all I everwanted.
(28:25):
And after the show was finallyfinished, norm and I had to go
and promote it.
And the last time I ever sawNorm MacDonald, we are backstage
at Larry King.
I'm getting interviewed firstand then Norm.
And right before I go out, Normsays to me hey, anthony, I know
we haven't always gotten alongor seen eye to eye, but if
you're up for it and you trustme, I thought of something
really funny that you and Icould do together.
(28:46):
I said oh my God, norm, ofcourse you're my hero.
Tell me what you want to do.
He says I think it'll be funnyif, instead of promoting the
show by talking about theseother comedians, instead of
promoting the show by talkingabout these other comedians, why
don't you and I promote theshow by publicly insulting each
other?
He says don't even try to befunny, anthony, just be mean.
And I said you know what, norm,I can do that.
(29:11):
And I sit down with Larry Kingand Larry says Anthony, what do
you think about Norm MacDonald?
And I said Larry, normMacdonald is a piece of shit.
And I could hear Norm laughingbackstage.
And I finished the interview.
I go backstage, norm is stilllaughing and he says Anthony,
that was perfect.
Now watch this.
And Norm sits down with LarryKing.
(29:32):
Larry King says Norm, what doyou think about Anthony Jeselnik
?
And Norm says, larry, he's oneof the greats.
I've never been more pissed offin my entire life.
Can't believe I fell for that.
Well, you've been an amazingcrowd today.
I'm going to leave you all withthis.
This is my new closer.
(29:52):
Don't worry, it's trans proof.
About a month ago, I went to awedding Craziest wedding I've
ever seen.
I mean, after the ceremony,every single person there took
Molly.
The bride took Molly, the groomtook Molly.
The parent, the grandparents,every single person there was on
Molly Craziest shit I've everseen.
I blacked out around midnight,woke up the next morning in a
(30:15):
fucking hammock somewhere.
I went and found the bride andgroom and I was like, hey guys,
did I do anything embarrassinglast night?
And they said, yeah, anthony,you spiked the punch with Molly.
Thank you very much, milwaukee,you have a great night.
Thank you, okay, hope youenjoyed that.
If you want to nerd out onstandup comedy and you hadn't
(30:38):
heard that uh special I think itwould be fun to go on Netflix.
It's Anthony Jeselnik,j-e-s-e-l-n-i-k, bones and All
is the name of the special 2024.
And watch his persona it's verydifferent than mine.
And watch the crowd reactionand see this master do it and
(31:00):
you sort of get an idea of howmuch stand-up comedy isn't just
obviously the words you say andthe jokes you tell, but it's the
persona, it's how you sell itand you'll see a master sell it.
And so be a comedy nerd.
Go watch it on Netflix rightnow.
All right, we'll see you nextweek.
(31:21):
Thanks for being here, asalways.
I wish you a week full of loveand adventure, peace, joy,
wisdom and so much love making,thank you.
Well, hello, welcome to Starting Stand-Up in Maine
with David Walton.
I am your host, david Walton,and I'm so happy you're here.
So this week's episode.
Look, I'm in a bit of a rut.
I'm in a bit of a slump.
We've had a lot going on inlife and I haven't gotten up on
stage in a few weeks.
My writing has stalled and I'mjust sort of feeling this kind
(00:25):
of doubt creep in, let's call it.
And I had an idea.
I'm obsessed with Hunter SThompson.
I've done a lot of research onhim and he did this thing when
he was starting out as a writer,where he wrote out on a
typewriter the Great Gatsby, sohe could feel what it's like to
(00:48):
write a great American novel,and it helped him understand
what a good sentence is and itsomehow got greatness into him.
So he claimed so.
In the spirit of that, one ofmy favorite comedians is Anthony
Jeselnik.
He is extremely dark.
He has sort of one style ofjoke.
(01:09):
Almost his entire career ismade up of these extreme
misleads, but they're very dark,gruesome and heavy.
But he pulls it off and thecrowd, young and old, men and
women, moral and immoral alllaugh their asses off.
(01:30):
So he's a very, very specialcomedian.
So I thought why not makeAnthony's special my Great
Gatsby and maybe it will help mere-engage.
It's like that scene in Top Gunwhere Goose is dead and Maverick
(01:51):
takes responsibility.
Goose was Maverick's Rio and hewas his responsibility.
And now his responsibility isdead and Maverick has to keep
training with a new rio, in thiscase sundown, and every time he
is up there in the air and hehas to engage and start dog
(02:15):
fighting, he says it doesn'tlook good and sundown says it
doesn't look any better thanthis Mav.
And then Maverick freaks thefuck out and tells Sundown, I
will fire when I am goddamn goodand ready.
And Maverick just is nevergoing to be ready until the
(02:35):
climax of the movie, as you know.
But there's a faith, there's atrust that Mike Metcalf call
signper has in Maverick, and sohe tells Jester, keep sending
them up.
And so I have a voice in myhead that's just like Mike
Medcalf call sign Viper thatsays even though you're in a rut
(02:58):
and even though you don't feellike writing and even though you
don't even feel like recording,you just got to keep going.
And I'm so happy that I haveViper in my head because I did
muscle it out.
And I actually ran through thefollowing standup special of
(03:18):
Anthony Jeselnik a couple oftimes.
Once I kind of did in myimitation of him and then I
listened to it and I was likethis sucks.
And then I just did it in myown style, my own way, and that
felt much better and it feltlike, oh, wait, a minute, maybe
I can do this.
And it gave me a little, gaveme some zhuzh.
(03:38):
Have I re-engaged?
Uh, we'll see.
But I certainly feel a lotcloser and I'll thank Sundown
for backing the fuck off.
All right, without further ado,here is my word-for-word,
word-perfect retelling of theAnthony Jeselnik stand-up
(04:00):
special from 2024, available onNetflix, called Bones and All.
Please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(04:23):
That's rubbish.
Yeah, thanks very much.
Yeah, thank you, thank you, I'mgoing to do it my way.
I'll do it my way.
Thank you for all.
Yeah, thank you all for comingto the show tonight.
I do appreciate it.
In case you guys don't know why,I'm on tour right now, as of a
couple months ago, I've beendoing stand-up comedy for 20
years.
Yeah, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you,
(04:46):
thank you, thank you.
Yeah, my agent said to meAnthony, 20 years is a major
accomplishment for any comedian.
You've got to celebrate.
Pick some of your favoritecities, go perform for them.
And I said no, thank you, I'drather go to Milwaukee, but look
, I am excited to be heretonight.
I've got great news After 20years of stand-up comedy, just
last weekend I finally perfectedmy act.
Don't get me wrong.
(05:10):
I thought it was perfect before.
I ran into an audience memberafter my show last Saturday who
told me different.
Last Saturday night I'm doing ashow in New York.
After my set I'm trying to getout to the car, a woman from the
audience chases me down,practically tackles me.
She says Anthony, that lastjoke you told tonight your
closer.
I got to tell you that joke isproblematic, you need to think
(05:35):
about it and you need to changeit.
So I changed it and now it's myopener.
So what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to tell you that joke and
explain what happened with thatwoman and then nail home the
point that I'm the best Now as acomedian.
I've got a responsibility, aresponsibility that I take very
seriously.
The responsibility is to get upin front of a group of
strangers and give you myopinion on the trans community.
Yep, that's right.
Look, guys, you got to do it.
Now it's in the handbook.
(05:55):
Now I feel like the transcommunity are the new pregnant
women.
Just in that.
It's never polite to guess.
You got to trust me on this.
You never want to be like, hey,how far along are you?
Are you going to keep it?
No, no, don't do that, even ifyou're right.
It's rude.
Do what I do.
I'm smooth with it.
I don't ask the question.
(06:16):
If I want to find something out, I just offer you a drink here,
have this glass of bourbon, andif they take the drink, they're
trans.
Now, obviously, obviously,that's a closer and I could
leave right now and I'd be fine.
But this woman grabs me, startsarguing with me.
She says, anthony, I got to askyou what is your intention with
(06:39):
that trans joke.
I said well, my intention is tomake trans people laugh.
I mean, could you imagine thatwould be historic.
She says well, anthony, anthony, you're probably not even aware
of this, but the problem withyour joke is some trans people
are insecure about the fact thatthey can't have kids of their
own and your joke makes it soundlike you're saying the opposite
of a pregnant woman is a transwoman and that can be hurtful,
and I agree that could behurtful, but not coming from me.
(07:02):
You see, I love trans people.
I empathize with the transcommunity.
I'm not trans myself, but I tooam always getting yelled at for
walking into the wrong bathroom.
I love trans people.
You know what I hate?
Pregnant women.
I mean, fuck those chubbybitches.
Am I right?
They shouldn't be allowed toplay sports?
Now, look, look, I will admit.
I will admit that that was alearning moment for me.
(07:24):
Before that woman grabbed me, Ididn't know that trans people
hated pregnant women as much asI do.
It makes me respect them allthe more so.
Just in case anyone here istrans and you were offended by
my first joke, here's a joke Itailor wrote just for you to
enjoy.
Last week I saw a pregnantwoman get hit by a bus, or as I
like to call it, a gender revealparty.
(07:44):
What are you guys laughing at?
That's not for you, that's formy trans friends Don't like
pregnant women, don't like kids.
One of my friends just asked meif I would be the sperm donor
for her baby and I said I don'tknow.
That's a pretty big decision.
How old is your baby If you'rewalking in late.
I hate kids.
Yeah, I hate them so much, it'smy whole thing.
And what surprises me is, nowthat I'm getting older I've got
friends, family members, havingkids of their own, and I don't
(08:07):
judge.
I mean, throw your life away.
What surprises me is thesepeople will text me pictures of
their kids.
Anthony will want to see thisSend.
I never want to see that.
The only time a kid shows up onmy phone and I'm happy about it
, amber Alert.
Otherwise, do not get my hopesup.
I used to ignore those textsfrom my friends.
Pretend I didn't see them,never respond.
(08:28):
Then my sister had a kidstarted getting mad at me.
She'd be like really, anthony,no response.
You got nothing to say aboutthis picture of your beautiful
niece fucking up finger painting.
So I came up with a plan.
Now, anytime anyone texts me apicture of their kids, I write
back the exact same response.
Thanks, going to save this onefor later.
(08:48):
Yep, now it works.
You guys can use that.
It works.
I haven't heard from my sisterin a year.
It's the best.
Like a lot of people, I spendmost of the pandemic stuck
inside staring at the walls,going crazy.
I started buying weird shitonline, decided I was going to
redecorate my place and I don'tknow anything about interior
design, but I know what I like.
So I went on eBay and I paid$500 for a child's coffin.
(09:10):
I thought this will be great.
It's vintage.
You put that in your livingroom.
It's a conversation starter,you know.
But like so many of the thingswe bought online during the
pandemic, I regret it.
Now.
Thing finally showed up in themail, empty.
I know I know.
Look, guys, guys, guys.
I hate kids so goddamn much.
I can't talk to kids these days.
(09:31):
The other day my little nephewcame up to me said Uncle Anthony
, I'm getting bullied by anotherkid in school.
I said don't put up with that,break his nose, he'll leave you
alone.
And he said Uncle Anthony,that's toxic masculinity.
Well, I wasn't going to put upwith that.
Listen, you guys came out hereto have a good time on a
Saturday night.
I know what you want.
You want to talk politics.
Let's go.
Let me tell you what's wrongwith this country.
(09:51):
Let me tell you what theproblem is with the United
States of America.
In this country, you got to be16 years old to drive a car.
Right, that makes sense, butyou got to be 18 years old to be
considered an adult to vote.
I think that's fucked up.
I think if you're old enoughand mature enough to safely
drive a car on the street, thenI should be allowed to have sex
with you, right?
Anyway, that's the only problemwith this country.
(10:14):
Now, as of this weekend, I'vebeen on tour with this material
for 18 months and my favoritething about touring around the
country with these jokes thepast 18 months has been telling
that last joke in the South.
Guys, I have learned so muchabout this great country of ours
.
Right at the beginning of thistour 18 months ago, I was doing
a show in Alabama.
Told them that joke.
Guy in the audience stands upand says Anthony, I hate to
(10:35):
break it to you, but the age ofconsent in Alabama is 16.
So you got to change that.
I said, oh yeah, you got tochange that.
And then, a couple of weekslater, I did a show in
Mississippi and I told him thatjoke and then told him about
Alabama.
Guy in the audience stands upand says in Mississippi, the age
of consent is 14.
And I said, holy shit, that'sperfect.
(10:58):
I mean, that is what thefounding fathers were all about.
You know, I have a friend whoworks for the FBI.
He pretends to be a 12-year-oldgirl, goes on the internet and
chats with child molesters allday.
I don't know what he does forthe FBI, but it's got to be.
You know, something big.
I feel like the big new thing Ikeep hearing more and more
about these days is pornaddiction.
I feel like every time I turnaround someone is complaining
about their porn addiction Notme, I can handle my shit.
(11:22):
But a couple months ago I'm at afamily reunion, big Jessel Nick
family reunion.
Everyone's there.
The very first night we're allin this giant ballroom eating
dinner together as a family.
When my cousin stands up, he's15 years old and he says I have
an announcement to make.
I just want to tell you allthat I've been suffering from a
porn addiction and it's terribleand I'm doing my best to get
over it.
Now no one in my family knowswhat to say.
(11:42):
Generations of Jesselniks arejust staring straight ahead
trying to eat their dinner.
So I stood up and I said hey,man, we can watch something else
.
Look, I can put the game on ifyou want.
When's the next time we're allgoing to be together.
You know I don't have a pornaddiction.
I watch a healthy amount ofporn.
I got my favorites.
Hell, I was in a bar the othernight, saw my favorite porn star
(12:03):
of all time sitting at the endof the bar by herself.
I at the end of the bar byherself.
I couldn't believe it, calledthe bartender over hey man, I'll
have another beer and see thatgirl down there.
She shouldn't be here, she's 13.
Now this is where audiencestraditionally start to complain.
They'll say Anthony, why do youhave so many jokes about
abusing children and why do youdo all of them in the beginning?
And this is where I kind of Ihave to stop the show for a
(12:24):
minute and then I explain to theaudience the concept of gallows
humor.
Gallows humor is what I'm allabout Now.
Gallows humor is when you seesomething in the world that is
so horrible that you have tolaugh at it, otherwise it would
destroy you.
A couple months ago I'm readingthe newspaper and I come across
an article about a priest in myhometown who just got arrested
for molesting an altar boy atthe exact same church where I
(12:44):
was an altar boy growing up.
It was horrifying to read.
That could have been me if Ihad become a priest.
Yeah, we like to have fun.
I'm proud to say that I'venever once in my entire life
paid money to have sex with aprostitute, and I'll tell you
this.
They get so mad.
You know, here's one thing Ilike about Milwaukee and there's
one thing I like aboutMilwaukee it seems like a safe
(13:07):
place to live.
Yeah, maybe not to you, butcompared to where I live in Los
Angeles, oh my God, this isparadise.
My neighborhood's really goneto shit in the past couple years
.
It's gotten dangerous.
The other day a woman in myneighborhood was walking her dog
, had the dog stolen from her atgunpoint.
Now it's my dog.
I actually do love it here inMilwaukee.
I enjoy any time I get to comeand perform.
One of the all-time greatstand-up comedy towns Milwaukee.
(13:29):
Yep Cheers me up to be back inMilwaukee, I'll tell you that.
And I've needed cheering uplately too.
I've been a little down lately.
I'll admit it.
Lost a friend recently.
It's stupid.
A friend of mine went to thehospital for an elective surgery
, just simple breast reductionsurgery.
Did not survive the surgery,died right there on the
operating table.
As far as I'm concerned, yeah,somehow that's become one of the
(13:53):
most polarizing jokes I'm goingto tell all night, and if you
didn't laugh at it, that's okay.
But what the fuck do you know?
I've been doing this for 20years and, I'll be honest, I had
no idea it had been 20 yearsbefore my agent told me.
I never thought of 20 years asa goal I should be trying to
achieve.
I've never defined success bylongevity.
(14:14):
I've always defined success byhow long has it been since I had
to have a roommate?
No, it's true, I haven't had aroommate in 15 years.
I'm 45.
That's not a flex.
The last roommate I ever had,last roommate I ever had, he had
a video of every single personhe'd ever had sex with in our
apartment.
Oh, it's a betrayal of trust,but it was hilarious.
He had no idea.
Another way I define success asan artist how long has it been
(14:37):
since I had to have a day job?
Again, 15 years.
I hated the day jobs I had tohave coming up.
Imagine what I was like at aday job 15 years ago.
Yeah, I had this one day job.
Someone kept stealing my lunch.
Someone stole my lunch everysingle day, even though I
clearly had my name written onit and I was pretty sure I knew
who did it.
I just couldn't prove it.
So one day before work Icrushed up an entire bottle of
(14:58):
laxatives enough laxatives tocripple a man and I put them in
my food.
And then I waited until thisguy got up to go to the bathroom
and as soon as he did I shitall over his desk.
I got fired from most of my dayjobs all of them, really all of
them except the last one.
Last day job I ever had.
I worked in a giant, soullesscorporate office building and I
(15:19):
quit in the middle of the dayafter I watched a 60-year-old
woman accidentally step into anempty elevator shaft and plummet
30 stories to her death.
I just walked right the fuckout and that was my last day in
elevator repair.
If there's one thing I'm gettingsick of after 20 years of
stand-up comedy, it's the travel.
I always say I do the shows forfree, you pay me to travel, and
(15:41):
that is certainly true tonight,two nights ago.
I fly from New York City toMilwaukee Two and a half hour
flight, it's direct, should beeasy.
Get on the plane.
The woman sitting next to mehas a hundred pound dog curled
up in her lap and I say, excuseme, what the fuck is this?
This woman, I swear to God.
She rolls her eyes at me andshe goes.
This is my emotional supportanimal.
I have a note from my doctorand I was like a note from your
(16:03):
doctor.
Do you really need an emotionalsupport animal on this flight?
And she goes no, and I thoughtmy head was going to explode.
I don't like when people takeadvantage of the system like
that.
It's a two and a half hourflight, so I talked to her about
it and I'm happy to report, bythe time we landed she needed
that fucking dog.
Now, air travel has gotten souncomfortable in the past few
(16:24):
years.
But everyone I know who flies alot like I do they always have
a little trick.
Everyone's got their own uniquetrick to make flying easier for
them, like I'm friends with avery wealthy married couple.
They're millionaires andthey've got six kids in between
the two of them.
They're always flying off onsome exotic family vacation and
whenever they fly, their trickis the family flies on two
separate airplanes.
That way, worst case scenario,one of those plane crashes they
(16:47):
don't have to deal with theirkids anymore.
But look if I'm being honestwith you guys.
If I'm being honest, I don'tactually have any married
friends.
I used to.
I used to have a lot of marriedfriends, but all my married
friends have gotten divorced inthe past two years All of them.
But I've noticed something Allmy friends' divorces, they all
had two things in commonInfidelity and me.
(17:08):
Hey, listen, all right, listen,you guys have been great so far.
I hate to do this to you, butthis next joke is going to be
too smart for the crowd.
So, don't worry, I will explainit to you.
And after all, aren't those thebest jokes?
Sigmund Freud's mom must havebeen so fucking hot.
Okay, you get that Now.
A lot of you were faking it forthe cameras.
Let me explain Dr Sigmund Freud, the most famous psychoanalyst
(17:30):
of all time.
His main theory, his main claimto fame, was the theory that
every young man wanted to murderhis own father and have sex
with his own mother.
Now imagine, imagine how hothis mom must have been for his
colleagues to go.
Yeah, yes, freud published that.
I was 14 years old when I walkedin on my parents having sex.
(17:51):
That's a big moment for anyyoung man, that moment when you
realize your parents are morethan just mom and dad.
They're also swingers.
Oh, it was a core memory forsure.
I'll never forget that.
I'll never forget the night ofmy senior prom Night of my
senior prom.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm at home putting on my tuxedowhen my dad walked in the room
and he handed me a condom, snuckit to me in a handshake so
(18:12):
fucking gross.
And then he looks me right inthe eyes and he says anthony, do
you have any questions?
And I said, yeah, dad, do youhave one?
That's still in the wrapper.
And my dad was freaking weird,fucking weird.
Okay, like all your dads areweird.
When you're a kid you can'trecognize how weird your parents
are.
It's not until you get olderthat you figure it out.
Like when I was a little kid,every year on my birthday, my
(18:32):
dad would take me into thekitchen, put me up against the
kitchen wall and make a littlemark to measure my girth, and
maybe that messed me up a little, I don't know.
I feel like I'm a pretty normalguy, although I do get angry
when people try to talk to meabout sex.
I was having lunch with afriend the other day and he says
Anthony, I've been havingtrouble with premature
(18:53):
ejaculation and I said, oh yeah,why don't you try talking about
baseball?
And he said, anthony, don't youmean thinking about baseball?
And I said I don't give a fuckwhat you think about, just don't
talk to me about your prematureejaculation.
When I was growing up, I had asibling rivalry with my little
brother.
It got out of hand, to be quitehonest.
One day my little brother wentinto the backyard, took my dog's
(19:15):
collar off and let it run awayfrom home, so I poisoned his
fish.
I think I won that one, becausethe next day I went out and I
found my dog.
I put his collar back on,brought him back home, but my
brother, he died from the salmon.
Yeah, it's a banger.
Last year my parents lost alltheir money in a Ponzi scheme.
So of course they came to metheir wealthy, successful son
(19:37):
and asked me why I did that.
Yeah, my family didn't have alot of money.
When I was growing up, my dadwas a volunteer firefighter.
Do you know what a volunteerfirefighter is?
It's exactly like a regularfirefighter, except your son
does not respect you.
My mom's been having a hard time.
She's getting paranoid in herold age, can't sleep at night
(19:57):
because she gets too scared.
So every night around bedtimeshe calls me to complain on the
phone for hours that she's tooafraid to fall asleep in her own
home.
So finally, after months ofthis, just to get her off my
back, I bought her a gun.
And now she's scared about that.
She says, anthony, what's thematter with you?
Don't you know that people wholive with a gun are more than
twice as likely to be shot intheir own home?
And I said, mom, I am countingon it and look, maybe maybe I'm
(20:20):
being too harsh.
I have trouble sleepingsometimes too, like the other
night.
The other night I'm lying inbed, I cannot fall asleep Just
staring out my bedroom windowfor hours.
And I swear I saw my next doorneighbor murder his wife in
their kitchen, then dispose ofthe body in garbage bags.
And now I'm worried.
I'm next Like I don't think hesaw me, but he sure as shit
heard me clapping.
Now here's a joke I like a lot.
(20:41):
My cousin Randy is.
He's maybe the dumbest personI've ever met in my life, my
entire life.
Like dumbest guy I've ever met.
The other day he comes up andhe goes Anthony, check out my
new tattoo.
It's the Japanese symbol forawesome.
No, randy, that is a swastika.
I mean, fuck man, everybodyknows, everybody knows that's
(21:01):
the German symbol for awesome.
Now I said I like that joke alot.
Here's how much I like thatjoke.
I used to open with it.
Right at the beginning of thistour 18 months ago, kanye West
came to one of my shows.
Now I had no idea he was eventhere.
I didn't even find out untilthe next day when Kanye went on
a podcast and he said I went togo see Anthony Jeselnik last
night and his opening joke is sohigh level that it made me
realize I'm not funny.
(21:22):
And, guys, that just blew mymind.
That's the best compliment I'veever gotten in my life.
I humbled Kanye West, you know,yeah, and I'm not going to lie,
I was so excited.
I watched that clip a hundredtimes.
I sent it to my manager.
I said put this on my website,put this on social media, let's
sell some fucking tickets with alittle help from Kanye.
And my manager says to meAnthony, are you out of your
(21:43):
goddamn mind?
Don't you know what's beengoing on with Kanye lately?
And I said no, honest to that.
I used to be a huge Kanye fan,but I stopped paying attention
to him when he went Christian.
My manager says well, in thepast two weeks alone, kanye's
been wearing White Lives Mattert-shirts and saying wild
anti-Semitic shit.
And I was like, oh he went,super Christian, crazy son of a
(22:04):
bitch.
Finally finished the whole book, my manager said look, anthony,
you can use this clip of Kanyeto promote yourself if you want
to, but if you do, you got todrop the swastika joke.
You got to stop doing it forsure.
Otherwise you're going to startto attract the wrong kinds of
fans and your current fans willtake the wrong lesson from what
you're doing.
And that's how much I like thatjoke.
(22:27):
I'm against cancel culture,thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's my impression of a shitcomic trying to get on Rogan.
In 20 years of stand-up comedy,I've been asked the same
questions over and over and overand over again.
The question I get asked themost by far is Anthony, what do
you think about cancel culture?
Does it make you mad?
Aren't you scared?
What do you think about cancelculture?
So let me be clear I don't givea fuck about cancel culture.
(22:49):
What I am sick of are comedianscomplaining about cancel
culture.
It's not that hard.
Do your job.
Comedians are supposed to beunparalleled badasses.
I know this because I have afucking mirror.
Yeah, cancel culture is notscary.
It's also not interesting andit's definitely not new.
Back when I was in college, Ihad this crazy professor Made
(23:09):
all of his students fill outtheir own suicide note and then
he would read them out loud tothe rest of the class and as
soon as the parents found out hegot fired immediately.
And I was the only one whostood up for him because, hey,
you know he made math fun.
And yes, I did mention JoeRogan.
Guys, do not get me wrong.
I like Joe Joe's my friend.
He's a good guy, but if youlisten to his podcast you're a
(23:30):
fucking loser.
My brother-in-law is JoeRogan's biggest fan, never
misses an episode.
Doesn't think four hours islong enough, but my
brother-in-law is Joe Rogan'starget demographic.
My brother-in-law is aconspiracy theorist.
A crazy conspiracy theorist,like my brother-in-law, refuses
to become an organ donor becausehe swears that if you get into
an accident and the paramedicssee that you're an organ donor,
(23:50):
they won't try to save your lifebecause they want to use your
organs to help someone else.
It's insane, but I can't evenargue with him.
He's a paramedic.
Another question I've been askeda million times in the last 20
years Anthony, what's yourfavorite joke you've ever
written?
And it's easy the first one 20years ago.
When I started this, I startedfrom nothing.
I was nothing.
I was just going around to openmics in Los Angeles performing
(24:13):
for bitter open mic comedianswho never reacted to anything.
I was just trying to find myvoice.
Could I be good at this?
Could I make it a living?
And it took a while, until onenight I went to a coffee shop.
I tried this joke out for thefirst time and it changed my
whole life.
I said guys, my girlfriendloves to eat chocolate, she's
always eating chocolate and shelikes to joke that she's got a
(24:34):
chocolate addiction.
Hmm, keep me away fromchocolate bars.
I'm addicted to them and it'sreally annoying.
So one day I put her in the carand I drove her downtown and I
pointed out a crack addict and Isaid do you see that honey?
Why can't you be that skinny?
(24:55):
And I will never forget tellingthat joke for the very first
time to a room full of bitteropen mic comedians who never
reacted to anything and thewhole room just went oh.
And I was like, oh, I'm goingto be a fucking star.
And then, of course, a coupleyears later, I got my big break
and I got to do some roasting.
(25:15):
I got to roast Donald Trump,charlie Sheen, roseanne Barr,
all the greats.
And people still ask me,anthony, which one was your
favorite?
Charlie Sheen, but not becauseof Charlie Sheen.
I don't give a fuck aboutCharlie Sheen.
I remember a couple of daysbefore that roast I'm at home
writing jokes and I get a phonecall from the network and they
say Anthony, I know you onlyhave a couple of days left to
(25:35):
write, but we just added MikeTyson to the program.
Will you be able to write anyjokes about Mike Tyson?
Two days later, I'm walkinginto that roast with 100 jokes
about Mike Tyson.
I'm so excited.
And right as I go to sit down,a guy from the network comes
back and he goes I'm just doublechecking with you.
You don't have any Mike Tysonrape jokes, do you?
(25:57):
And I said why?
And he said well, it was almostimpossible to get Mike Tyson to
agree to appear on a televisedroast.
We had to promise him therewould be no rape jokes.
And I was like, are we talkingabout the same Mike Tyson.
So now the roast has begun.
I'm up at the podium, Camerasare rolling, I have zero jokes
(26:17):
about Mike Tyson and I'm madabout it.
But out of the corner of my eyeI can see Mike Tyson sitting on
the stage.
Now Mike's been drinking,mike's been smoking, mike's
laughing and everything.
Mike's responding to jokes thataren't even about him.
Mike Tyson's having the time ofhis life.
So I think you know what I cando one.
So I said I think Mike Tyson'sbiggest problem is Mike never
(26:40):
had a strong male role modelgrowing up.
Mike's dad walked out on thefamily very early on after Mike
raped him.
Now, as soon as I tell thisjoke, as soon as I tell it, I
regret it.
I am afraid I am.
I turned to look at Mike Tysonto see is he coming at me?
I'm about to die and I just seeMike Tyson throw his head back
and he goes.
(27:01):
He got you, charlie Guys.
In 20 years of standup comedyI've gotten to meet so many
famous people.
I haven't given a fuck aboutany of them, except for one, and
that was Norm Macdonald.
Yep, all right, long before Iever even consider becoming a
comedian, I worshipped NormMacDonald.
He was my hero when I was a kid.
He's still my hero today.
(27:21):
Never got to meet him for thelongest time.
Then, a couple years ago, I geta phone call from my agent.
He says, anthony, how would youlike to be the new host of Last
Comic Standing?
And I said, why the fuck wouldI want to do that?
That show sucks.
And he said this year it'sgoing to be different.
This year they have NormMacDonald as a judge.
Would you like to work withNorm?
(27:42):
And I signed up on the spot.
I mean, norm and I made eightepisodes of this TV show
together, eight straight nightsof eight hour tapings every
night.
And for the first four episodesNorm MacDonald and I do not get
along at all.
We get into fights every nighton the air.
We get into fights every nightbackstage.
We flat out do not like eachother and it's killing me.
(28:03):
He's my hero and the onlyreason I took this job.
So for those first fourepisodes I am working at it and
I'm working at it hard andNorm's working at it too, just
not nearly as hard.
But after four episodes, forwhatever reason, something
clicks and finally Norm and Iare laughing together.
We're getting along all I everwanted.
(28:25):
And after the show was finallyfinished, norm and I had to go
and promote it.
And the last time I ever sawNorm MacDonald, we are backstage
at Larry King.
I'm getting interviewed firstand then Norm.
And right before I go out, Normsays to me hey, anthony, I know
we haven't always gotten alongor seen eye to eye, but if
you're up for it and you trustme, I thought of something
really funny that you and Icould do together.
(28:46):
I said oh my God, norm, ofcourse you're my hero.
Tell me what you want to do.
He says I think it'll be funnyif, instead of promoting the
show by talking about theseother comedians, instead of
promoting the show by talkingabout these other comedians, why
don't you and I promote theshow by publicly insulting each
other?
He says don't even try to befunny, anthony, just be mean.
And I said you know what, norm,I can do that.
(29:11):
And I sit down with Larry Kingand Larry says Anthony, what do
you think about Norm MacDonald?
And I said Larry, normMacdonald is a piece of shit.
And I could hear Norm laughingbackstage.
And I finished the interview.
I go backstage, norm is stilllaughing and he says Anthony,
that was perfect.
Now watch this.
And Norm sits down with LarryKing.
(29:32):
Larry King says Norm, what doyou think about Anthony Jeselnik
?
And Norm says, larry, he's oneof the greats.
I've never been more pissed offin my entire life.
Can't believe I fell for that.
Well, you've been an amazingcrowd today.
I'm going to leave you all withthis.
This is my new closer.
(29:52):
Don't worry, it's trans proof.
About a month ago, I went to awedding Craziest wedding I've
ever seen.
I mean, after the ceremony,every single person there took
Molly.
The bride took Molly, the groomtook Molly.
The parent, the grandparents,every single person there was on
Molly Craziest shit I've everseen.
I blacked out around midnight,woke up the next morning in a
(30:15):
fucking hammock somewhere.
I went and found the bride andgroom and I was like, hey guys,
did I do anything embarrassinglast night?
And they said, yeah, anthony,you spiked the punch with Molly.
Thank you very much, milwaukee,you have a great night.
Thank you, okay, hope youenjoyed that.
If you want to nerd out onstandup comedy and you hadn't
(30:38):
heard that uh special I think itwould be fun to go on Netflix.
It's Anthony Jeselnik,j-e-s-e-l-n-i-k, bones and All
is the name of the special 2024.
And watch his persona it's verydifferent than mine.
And watch the crowd reactionand see this master do it and
(31:00):
you sort of get an idea of howmuch stand-up comedy isn't just
obviously the words you say andthe jokes you tell, but it's the
persona, it's how you sell itand you'll see a master sell it.
And so be a comedy nerd.
Go watch it on Netflix rightnow.
All right, we'll see you nextweek.
(31:21):
Thanks for being here, asalways.
I wish you a week full of loveand adventure, peace, joy,
wisdom and so much love making,thank you.
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