May 22, 2025 • 15 mins
David speaks with the 7 year old that lives in his head and tells him an inappropriate joke. David is unhinged throughout.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Starting Stand-Up in Maine
podcast, where we discuss allthings stand-up comedy and my
ill-advised attempt to get goodat it.
I'm David Walton, a televisionand film actor who, during the
writer and actor strikes,decided that stand-up comedy was
his true calling, even thoughhe'd never done it before, and
(00:21):
now realizes that all hisrealizations are utter garbage,
regardless.
He's now done it before and nowrealizes that all his
realizations are utter garbage,regardless.
He's now in it.
In today's episode, episode 31,we have a unhinged episode.
I speak with a voice inside myhead that is a nine-year-old
named Benny from the BoxcarChildren book series.
(00:44):
Nine-year-old named Benny, fromthe Boxcar Children book series
.
He's a voice that, for somereason, is comforting to me, and
so, in times of great distress,I turned to Benny for wisdom.
I then will tell a new jokethat is extremely dirty.
Not really it's dirty.
I tell the joke to Benny, andthen I discovered an old rant of
(01:05):
mine that was the originationof a topic that I cannot get out
of my mind that I'm trying tocrack into jokes.
The topic is how much it sucksthat the entire purpose of life
is to just be a widget thatmakes money.
Thank you for being here.
Please enjoy Episode 31 ofStarting Stand-Up.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Oh man, that's rubbish, that's rubbish.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Hey, Benny, it's been a while.
We started the whole podcastwith you.
It's kind of weird.
I haven't invited you back on.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Well, that's okay.
I've been in the woods eatinginsects with my bubble and
sister and solving crimes.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for not having you
back on.
We've been going for about sixmonths now and because you're my
confessional, I'm just going tostart right off.
Is that all right?
Well, sure, All right.
So what's going on, is that?
Yeah, I'm just not doingstand-up anymore.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Well, I haven't done it in like four weeks and I
don't feel like writing.
Yeah, I just I really don't.
It's like when I start acting,when I start getting auditions
again, I'm like I fucking lovethis.
I mean, I don't necessarilylove the auditioning, but I'm
like I'm so jacked up to get getthose things cooking.
(02:53):
I don't give a fuck aboutstand-up well, that sounds okay.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I mean, we all have whithams that we go through when
we're doing things.
You know, sometimes you'rewholeheartedly with a creative
project and then sometimes youhave to back off.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, that's really sound advice, benny.
I don't know how you know thatat such a young age, but it
reminds me of Rick Rubin'sadvice of having three creative
projects going at the same time.
So that you can excuse me, Ihave tuberculosis.
But is it so you can?
if you're not feeling onecreative project, you can switch
(03:36):
to the other yeah, rick rubinis a incredibly hairy man yeah,
I agree, um, but he's reallycool dude and obviously he's the
greatest vibe music producer ofall time and nobody has made
more incredible records orhelped make more incredible
(03:57):
records than him, I would argue,and I don't think a lot of
people would argue with me aboutthat will you stop talking
about wick-woobin'.
Yes, sorry about that.
Anyway, so that's really what'sgoing on.
Is that I'm just what the fuckam I doing?
But there's also a littleTweety Bird in me that's just
(04:19):
going just ride it out, ride itout.
Life's a little chaotic.
We're in transitions.
You are a toddler, so anytransition is kind of upsetting.
But yes, it's spring, it'ssummer, the kids are.
You know, they're calling itMay-cember.
Did you know that, benny?
May-cember?
Yeah, may-cember.
There's so much shit to do withyour kids in May, with all the
(04:42):
proms and dances and field tripsand events, that people feel
like it's Christmas.
They have the overwhelm ofChristmas in May.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Oh man, I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah, don't worry about it.
That being said, Benny, can Itell you a joke that I got
inspired to write right after Iimitated Anthony Jeselnik in the
last episode?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Sure, I would love jokes.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah, I'm not so sure you're going to like this one,
but we'll give it a shot.
Just to preface, benny AnthonyJeselnik is really dark and
dirty and all his jokes arereally off color blue, as they
call it and so after I did it Iwas like, oh, but there's a
rhythm to it and and this issort of my first attempt to kind
(05:36):
of do an Anthony Jeselnik typejoke for myself so, um, anyway,
here it goes.
I hope you like it oh, I can'twait just calm the fuck down,
benny.
I want my son to live a happylife.
I have worries, I worry.
And what if he gets addicted tothings like what?
Speaker 2 (06:00):
what if?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
my son, my precious 11 year old, gets addicted to
cocaine and hookers.
You know, after I show them howto do both at the same time.
You know I can do anything andnot be addicted.
But if I'm hitting the methpipe and I hand it over to my
son and he and he hits it.
But he's not like me and hejust needs it, you know, over
and over again I'm gonna feelterrible.
(06:22):
I mean I won't, I will not doit, but I'm gonna feel terrible
you know, it's just the job ofthe parent to worry that was
great, dave.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
What is a?
What is a cocaine?
What's a hooker?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
uh, benny, I'll let your older brother tell you that
Maybe it wasn't even inventedwhen you were around.
Anyway, but thanks for laughing.
I appreciate your support.
I mean, obviously you have noidea what that joke was and you
don't understand it, but it justfeels good to know that you're
(07:03):
an easy laugh, benny.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Oh man, I think you're hilarious Deb.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
I think you're a pretty special kid, benny.
Oh man, I think you'rehilarious, dave.
I think you're a pretty specialkid, benny, and it's been nice
chatting with you.
Man.
It's been a long time and again, I'm just so sorry that we
haven't had a chance to connect.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Well, that's okay, dave, I know, I know you love me
, you love me so much.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I do, I do, but I am uncomfortable when people
express their emotions and Iusually want to make a joke oh,
oh, just feel it.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Feel how much I love you feel yeah I just.
It's making me uncomfortable soI'm laughing oh, my love for
(08:04):
you is so deep alright, alright,you take care, benny.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
This is weird.
All right, all right.
Well, that was me with Bennyagain.
Um, hope you guys enjoyed.
Enjoyed that.
I thought I'd end this episodethat's obviously gone off the
rails with another.
I stumbled on a little piece Idid way back.
(08:32):
It is where I discovered thejoke.
It's weird because I'mrecording, I'm discovering where
these ideas come from.
Now there are.
What I'm saying is that thereare recurring ideas for jokes.
Now there's a joke that I'mmulling over or something, a
(08:53):
topic which is just this sort ofcynical, dark view of infancy
and capitalism when essentiallynow I'm a pro-capitalist and
it's like it's the best systemthere is.
I don't want another system,but I also think it's insane
that this is what we're doing.
(09:14):
Essentially, your life'spurpose is just money making,
and so this idea of like talkingto a baby, and I can't stop
thinking about it.
I don't have any jokes reallyyet that are legit, but it was
interesting to go back to thissegment and just like discover
the the first time this ideacame up and it involves Jimmy
(09:39):
Buffett, and it involvesgambling and and just just some
random thoughts.
But, um, yeah, please enjoy,and I thank you always for being
here.
That's always the funniestthing about.
When Jimmy Buffett died Sort ofdug into his life, I was just
(10:01):
shocked.
The guy made great music.
Obviously a very talentedmusician Really good songs, if
he's your thing, but he was agood songwriter.
Real chill guy, incrediblysmart businessman, but he built
a business on vice, good vibesand just boozing, as if that's
(10:26):
the answer.
It's just party Retirementcommunities where everyone's fat
and drinking margaritas.
It's insane.
Now I watch all thesecelebrities hawking betting
(10:46):
sites.
Have we gone fucking crazy?
Does anyone have a clue aboutwhat we're doing?
Just getting everyone fuckingaddicted to gambling.
(11:07):
Everyone just fucking lockedinto the money pipe.
Just heroining cash straightinto their veins.
Give me the fix Money.
(11:28):
Holy shit.
What is this game we're playing?
Give me the cash.
You so need it too.
You're so fucked if you don'thave money.
You're homeless.
Hello, welcome to the world.
(11:48):
Now here's the point you needto make money.
That's the point of your lifeMaking dough money.
That's the point of your lifemaking dough, because if you
don't, you are going to behomeless and you're gonna starve
to death.
Those are the stakes.
It's insane.
(12:13):
Hi, look at you.
You were just born.
What a beautiful little baby.
I bet you just can't wait togrow up and grind your fucking
ass off to make money.
I mean, there's nothing.
There's no other way to do it,but it's just absurd to me that
(12:37):
that's more than ever in thehistory of the world.
It's just about the dough.
Back in the day, farmer livingoff the land was just like you
just need to grow what you'regoing to eat and you're good.
Just need to eat.
(12:57):
Build the rest.
Go, chop down a tree, whateverNot anymore.
Now you're plugged in to thefucking grid.
You're a widget.
Okay, that's it for this week'sepisode.
(13:18):
I'm going to finish it off byborrowing a sign-off from one of
the great podcasts out there.
It's called the Huberman LabPodcast, and what I'm doing is
replacing his stuff with mystuff.
I'm plagiarizing him, and it'swonderful.
So here we go.
If you're learning from and orenjoying the Starting Stand Up
(13:40):
podcast.
Please subscribe.
That is a terrific zero costway to support us.
In addition, please follow thepodcast by clicking the follow
button on both Spotify and Apple.
On both Spotify and Apple, youcan leave us up to a five-star
review.
Check out the sponsorsmentioned at the beginning.
Oh, that's right, I don't haveany sponsors.
(14:02):
If you have any questions forme or comments about the podcast
guests or topics that you'dlike me to consider for the
Starting Stand Up podcast,please DM me on Instagram, at
David Walton, or email me atstartingstanduppod at gmailcom.
That's at David Walton atInstagram or startingstanduppod
(14:26):
at gmailcom.
I do not respond, I'm justkidding.
I'll respond.
Anyway, lots of love, wishingyou guys so much peace and joy,
adventure, fun, connection, justa calm May-Sember and summer's
coming.
Baby, let's go.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Starting Stand-Up in Maine
podcast, where we discuss allthings stand-up comedy and my
ill-advised attempt to get goodat it.
I'm David Walton, a televisionand film actor who, during the
writer and actor strikes,decided that stand-up comedy was
his true calling, even thoughhe'd never done it before, and
(00:21):
now realizes that all hisrealizations are utter garbage,
regardless.
He's now done it before and nowrealizes that all his
realizations are utter garbage,regardless.
He's now in it.
In today's episode, episode 31,we have a unhinged episode.
I speak with a voice inside myhead that is a nine-year-old
named Benny from the BoxcarChildren book series.
(00:44):
Nine-year-old named Benny, fromthe Boxcar Children book series
.
He's a voice that, for somereason, is comforting to me, and
so, in times of great distress,I turned to Benny for wisdom.
I then will tell a new jokethat is extremely dirty.
Not really it's dirty.
I tell the joke to Benny, andthen I discovered an old rant of
(01:05):
mine that was the originationof a topic that I cannot get out
of my mind that I'm trying tocrack into jokes.
The topic is how much it sucksthat the entire purpose of life
is to just be a widget thatmakes money.
Thank you for being here.
Please enjoy Episode 31 ofStarting Stand-Up.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Oh man, that's rubbish, that's rubbish.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Hey, Benny, it's been a while.
We started the whole podcastwith you.
It's kind of weird.
I haven't invited you back on.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Well, that's okay.
I've been in the woods eatinginsects with my bubble and
sister and solving crimes.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for not having you
back on.
We've been going for about sixmonths now and because you're my
confessional, I'm just going tostart right off.
Is that all right?
Well, sure, All right.
So what's going on, is that?
Yeah, I'm just not doingstand-up anymore.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Well, I haven't done it in like four weeks and I
don't feel like writing.
Yeah, I just I really don't.
It's like when I start acting,when I start getting auditions
again, I'm like I fucking lovethis.
I mean, I don't necessarilylove the auditioning, but I'm
like I'm so jacked up to get getthose things cooking.
(02:53):
I don't give a fuck aboutstand-up well, that sounds okay.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I mean, we all have whithams that we go through when
we're doing things.
You know, sometimes you'rewholeheartedly with a creative
project and then sometimes youhave to back off.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, that's really sound advice, benny.
I don't know how you know thatat such a young age, but it
reminds me of Rick Rubin'sadvice of having three creative
projects going at the same time.
So that you can excuse me, Ihave tuberculosis.
But is it so you can?
if you're not feeling onecreative project, you can switch
(03:36):
to the other yeah, rick rubinis a incredibly hairy man yeah,
I agree, um, but he's reallycool dude and obviously he's the
greatest vibe music producer ofall time and nobody has made
more incredible records orhelped make more incredible
(03:57):
records than him, I would argue,and I don't think a lot of
people would argue with me aboutthat will you stop talking
about wick-woobin'.
Yes, sorry about that.
Anyway, so that's really what'sgoing on.
Is that I'm just what the fuckam I doing?
But there's also a littleTweety Bird in me that's just
(04:19):
going just ride it out, ride itout.
Life's a little chaotic.
We're in transitions.
You are a toddler, so anytransition is kind of upsetting.
But yes, it's spring, it'ssummer, the kids are.
You know, they're calling itMay-cember.
Did you know that, benny?
May-cember?
Yeah, may-cember.
There's so much shit to do withyour kids in May, with all the
(04:42):
proms and dances and field tripsand events, that people feel
like it's Christmas.
They have the overwhelm ofChristmas in May.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Oh man, I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yeah, don't worry about it.
That being said, Benny, can Itell you a joke that I got
inspired to write right after Iimitated Anthony Jeselnik in the
last episode?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Sure, I would love jokes.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah, I'm not so sure you're going to like this one,
but we'll give it a shot.
Just to preface, benny AnthonyJeselnik is really dark and
dirty and all his jokes arereally off color blue, as they
call it and so after I did it Iwas like, oh, but there's a
rhythm to it and and this issort of my first attempt to kind
(05:36):
of do an Anthony Jeselnik typejoke for myself so, um, anyway,
here it goes.
I hope you like it oh, I can'twait just calm the fuck down,
benny.
I want my son to live a happylife.
I have worries, I worry.
And what if he gets addicted tothings like what?
Speaker 2 (06:00):
what if?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
my son, my precious 11 year old, gets addicted to
cocaine and hookers.
You know, after I show them howto do both at the same time.
You know I can do anything andnot be addicted.
But if I'm hitting the methpipe and I hand it over to my
son and he and he hits it.
But he's not like me and hejust needs it, you know, over
and over again I'm gonna feelterrible.
(06:22):
I mean I won't, I will not doit, but I'm gonna feel terrible
you know, it's just the job ofthe parent to worry that was
great, dave.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
What is a?
What is a cocaine?
What's a hooker?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
uh, benny, I'll let your older brother tell you that
Maybe it wasn't even inventedwhen you were around.
Anyway, but thanks for laughing.
I appreciate your support.
I mean, obviously you have noidea what that joke was and you
don't understand it, but it justfeels good to know that you're
(07:03):
an easy laugh, benny.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Oh man, I think you're hilarious Deb.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
I think you're a pretty special kid, benny.
Oh man, I think you'rehilarious, dave.
I think you're a pretty specialkid, benny, and it's been nice
chatting with you.
Man.
It's been a long time and again, I'm just so sorry that we
haven't had a chance to connect.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Well, that's okay, dave, I know, I know you love me
, you love me so much.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I do, I do, but I am uncomfortable when people
express their emotions and Iusually want to make a joke oh,
oh, just feel it.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Feel how much I love you feel yeah I just.
It's making me uncomfortable soI'm laughing oh, my love for
(08:04):
you is so deep alright, alright,you take care, benny.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
This is weird.
All right, all right.
Well, that was me with Bennyagain.
Um, hope you guys enjoyed.
Enjoyed that.
I thought I'd end this episodethat's obviously gone off the
rails with another.
I stumbled on a little piece Idid way back.
(08:32):
It is where I discovered thejoke.
It's weird because I'mrecording, I'm discovering where
these ideas come from.
Now there are.
What I'm saying is that thereare recurring ideas for jokes.
Now there's a joke that I'mmulling over or something, a
(08:53):
topic which is just this sort ofcynical, dark view of infancy
and capitalism when essentiallynow I'm a pro-capitalist and
it's like it's the best systemthere is.
I don't want another system,but I also think it's insane
that this is what we're doing.
(09:14):
Essentially, your life'spurpose is just money making,
and so this idea of like talkingto a baby, and I can't stop
thinking about it.
I don't have any jokes reallyyet that are legit, but it was
interesting to go back to thissegment and just like discover
the the first time this ideacame up and it involves Jimmy
(09:39):
Buffett, and it involvesgambling and and just just some
random thoughts.
But, um, yeah, please enjoy,and I thank you always for being
here.
That's always the funniestthing about.
When Jimmy Buffett died Sort ofdug into his life, I was just
(10:01):
shocked.
The guy made great music.
Obviously a very talentedmusician Really good songs, if
he's your thing, but he was agood songwriter.
Real chill guy, incrediblysmart businessman, but he built
a business on vice, good vibesand just boozing, as if that's
(10:26):
the answer.
It's just party Retirementcommunities where everyone's fat
and drinking margaritas.
It's insane.
Now I watch all thesecelebrities hawking betting
(10:46):
sites.
Have we gone fucking crazy?
Does anyone have a clue aboutwhat we're doing?
Just getting everyone fuckingaddicted to gambling.
(11:07):
Everyone just fucking lockedinto the money pipe.
Just heroining cash straightinto their veins.
Give me the fix Money.
(11:28):
Holy shit.
What is this game we're playing?
Give me the cash.
You so need it too.
You're so fucked if you don'thave money.
You're homeless.
Hello, welcome to the world.
(11:48):
Now here's the point you needto make money.
That's the point of your lifeMaking dough money.
That's the point of your lifemaking dough, because if you
don't, you are going to behomeless and you're gonna starve
to death.
Those are the stakes.
It's insane.
(12:13):
Hi, look at you.
You were just born.
What a beautiful little baby.
I bet you just can't wait togrow up and grind your fucking
ass off to make money.
I mean, there's nothing.
There's no other way to do it,but it's just absurd to me that
(12:37):
that's more than ever in thehistory of the world.
It's just about the dough.
Back in the day, farmer livingoff the land was just like you
just need to grow what you'regoing to eat and you're good.
Just need to eat.
(12:57):
Build the rest.
Go, chop down a tree, whateverNot anymore.
Now you're plugged in to thefucking grid.
You're a widget.
Okay, that's it for this week'sepisode.
(13:18):
I'm going to finish it off byborrowing a sign-off from one of
the great podcasts out there.
It's called the Huberman LabPodcast, and what I'm doing is
replacing his stuff with mystuff.
I'm plagiarizing him, and it'swonderful.
So here we go.
If you're learning from and orenjoying the Starting Stand Up
(13:40):
podcast.
Please subscribe.
That is a terrific zero costway to support us.
In addition, please follow thepodcast by clicking the follow
button on both Spotify and Apple.
On both Spotify and Apple, youcan leave us up to a five-star
review.
Check out the sponsorsmentioned at the beginning.
Oh, that's right, I don't haveany sponsors.
(14:02):
If you have any questions forme or comments about the podcast
guests or topics that you'dlike me to consider for the
Starting Stand Up podcast,please DM me on Instagram, at
David Walton, or email me atstartingstanduppod at gmailcom.
That's at David Walton atInstagram or startingstanduppod
(14:26):
at gmailcom.
I do not respond, I'm justkidding.
I'll respond.
Anyway, lots of love, wishingyou guys so much peace and joy,
adventure, fun, connection, justa calm May-Sember and summer's
coming.
Baby, let's go.
Thank you.
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