Ever wonder what your teenage fashion choices revealed about your desperate need to fit in? David Walton takes us on a hilarious journey through the social currency of Z Cavariccis—those ridiculously baggy pants with multiple belt loops that somehow signaled coolness in the 90s—and draws parallels to watching his own children navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence today.
With raw honesty and self-deprecating humor, David explores the delicate balance between supporting kids through identity development while protecting their still-baking brains. "You don't open the oven, pull out the cake and stick a THC pipe into it," he advises, making a compelling case for waiting until our brains are fully formed (around age 25) before making permanent, life-altering decisions. This tension between biological development and legal adulthood creates a fascinating framework for discussing everything from teenage experimentation to gender identity.
The episode takes unexpected turns through personal confessions, parenting philosophies, and culminates in a crowd-sourced collection of phrases guaranteed to make people want to punch you in the face. From corporate speak like "let's circle back" to the condescending "I love that for you," David examines the language that shapes our interactions while frequently catching himself in the act of using these very phrases. This self-awareness creates an intimate connection with listeners, as if we're all building this plane together as we fly it. Whether you're a parent, a former teenager (aren't we all?), or someone navigating your own identity journey, you'll find both laughter and wisdom in this unfiltered exploration of human development.
Subscribe now and join David on his journey from comedy novice to polished performer as he brings his unique perspective to stages across the country. Share your own teenage fashion disasters or annoying phrases in the comments!
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Episode Transcript
Hey, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
I have a correction from lastweek.
A bunch of my classmates frommy elementary school have
reached out and told me that thesize of my teacher's penis was
not 7 inches limp, it wasactually bigger, and I'm just
(00:21):
terribly sorry that Imisrepresented that.
Anywhere from 8 to 10 is whatwe're saying, so let's just give
it an even 9.
If you missed last episode,it's not nearly as gnarly as you
think it is right now.
But yes, in fact that was amistake.
I was on the record saying 7inches limp, but my fifth grade
(00:43):
teacher's penis was bigger thanthat and I do apologize for that
inaccurate information.
If you've been listening for awhile, you know that I seek the
truth.
I try to speak only the truthhere on this podcast, so I do
apologize.
All right, we've got anotherwonderful show.
I have no idea what it's goingto be.
(01:06):
I'm kind of having fun withthis.
We're just going to build thisplane as we fly it.
So welcome to Starting Stand Up.
My name is David Walton.
This is a podcast that tracks myjourney from brand new beginner
of stand-up comedy to trying toget good fast.
That fast part is challenging,but we're making headway, we're
(01:27):
reengaging and I'm excited towork today and try some things
and try to get better at standupcomedy.
So come along for the ride withme.
Let's start stand-up.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(02:03):
That's rubbish.
Matt Ruby has a wonderful.
It's no longer a blog it's nowdefunct, I should say, but all
his posts are still available.
If you're doing stand-up comedyand you're listening to this, I
recommend it.
Just Google Sandpaper Suit andyou'll see Matt Ruby's old blogs
(02:25):
all very informative.
These old, old blogs, all veryinformative.
This is I just pulled a fewfrom a interview he did and this
is the segment I'm callinguseful information for standups.
So the stereotype of comediansbeing horribly depressed and
neurotic is true, and Matt says,yes, but everyone is depressed
(02:48):
and neurotic.
We're just open about it.
Next question what mostimportant lesson have you
learned in comedy?
That people want you to bevulnerable and confident at the
same time, but not too much ofeither.
That was thought-provoking tome.
And then finally, matt, what'syour advice to your younger self
(03:10):
just starting in comedy career?
The more it's art, the less itpays.
A nice friendly reminder thatit's all about the laughs.
And if you want to do it, artmaybe go off-Broadway, all right
.
Moving on, guys, one of thethings that a number of people
have advised is that any time inyour actual life you make
(03:35):
people genuinely laugh hard.
You want to have a littleautomatic note-taking system in
your brain where you go, justremember.
You can either write it downwhat was the moment that made
that group of people or thatindividual laugh and is there a
way to then take that, providethe context and put it on stage?
In that case, I was having aconversation with a friend and
(04:01):
their eldest child's transitionis now a woman and is 18 or so,
and I asked if they were havingany surgeries or stuff like that
, and this friend said that hewas just advising now her to
hold off because they're stillyoung.
(04:22):
And I agreed.
And that's where I land on this.
I don't approve of children,honestly, until your brain's
fully developed, which I believeis 24, 25.
I think it should be illegal todo irreversible operations Now
that's hard because 18, youbecome an adult, so but I think
(04:45):
I actually think the law shouldchange to when the brain is
fully cooked, which is when theoven timer goes off on the
noggin, I believe is age 24.
And that is one of the thingsI've told my children at a young
age.
They're getting now to thepoint where I started drinking
when I was 12, a little bit 13,had a little more, was going
(05:14):
pretty strong at 15.
And then the marijuana started,probably around 16 in earnest,
where it started to work.
I really stuck with it, youknow what I mean.
It didn't work for a long timebut I just really committed to
doing this thing until itfinally worked the 26th time and
I regret it honestly.
If I could go back and speaksome sense to myself, I would
(05:36):
say that, david, it's okay toenjoy a few things.
You don't want to not know whatit's like, but tone it down,
wait until you're 24 and then goape, ape, because that's when
the brain is fully cooked.
I believe it's 25 and thenyou've got a freshly baked
(06:00):
beautiful brain, beautifulnoggin and, uh, the world's your
oyster and there's proper adultways to do all the drugs.
But we're all young andimpulsive and, honestly, when I
was growing up, if you weren'tdoing, if you weren't partaking,
I mean you pretty much didn'thave friends.
(06:22):
You know you have to do it.
Things are changing now.
Non-alcs are in style, which isnice.
Anyway, back to my children.
I tell them they're 12 and 11.
I'm like, look, you're going torun into this stuff and you can
do what you want, but as aparent, I just care about your
(06:45):
body and your health and yourmind, which is all you have.
Your mind is this beautifulthing and it's going to shape
your future.
So you want to treat it like aGrand Prix Motocross Just tune
it beautifully so let it bakebeautifully.
(07:16):
You don't open the oven, pullout the cake and stick a THC
pipe into it, or just def a bonghit straight into the cake.
You don't shoot it up with PCPor Koi or POW ice crank.
You don't snort Ritalin and putit into the cake.
You don't even take mushroomsand put them in the cake.
You just wait the more you know.
Yeah, so if anything, if anyservice I want to give to the
world, it's whoever's listeningout there.
(07:38):
Wait till you're 25 before youstart doing heroin.
I don't know what I was saying.
Why did I go on this rampage?
Oh, yeah, so I was agreeingthat.
You know, kids don't knowthemselves and they're having
all sorts of identity crises.
And I mean I, I'm 46, I don'teven know my.
(07:59):
Who really knows himself?
We're all deep oceans ofmystery incapable of tremendous
personality shifts.
I mean, I'm undergoing oneright now.
I can't wait a year from now toshow you what I've turned into,
but what I'm really trying tosay, what I told this guy.
(08:22):
I was like, yeah, I didn't knowwhat I was.
I was sticking my finger up myass on masturbating when I was
15.
And that got a chuckle.
Okay, how's everyone feelingtonight?
Remember to tip your waitress.
That's the biggest cop out.
(08:43):
Yeah, so that was the laugh Igot.
That's what I remembered, andnow I'm sharing with you
inadvisably.
So, yeah, well, the thing aboutsticking fingers up the ass,
we're going to go there.
You know, we might as well,because I'm sure everyone has
experienced some level of it,whether it was a mistake as an
(09:04):
adolescent, sometimes you don'tfind the right hole, you know,
and you're fumbling about tryingto get to third base for the
first time.
I did have this thought theother day.
My daughter is in seventh gradeand I was looking at these
videotapes.
I saw my ninth grade graduationgrade and I was looking at
these videotapes.
I saw my ninth grade graduationand I was very young.
So it's really what my son willbe in eighth grade and I
(09:26):
realized that, uh, very soon mychildren are going to be getting
into the old opposite sex thing.
If my daughter's in seventhgrade, she's already, she's
already starting to to feel it.
And, um, I remember in seventhgrade everyone was already
starting to feel it.
And I remember in seventh gradeeveryone was wearing Z
Cavaricci's and I was like mom,I need Z Cavaricci's.
If you don't know what a ZCavaricci is, that was a pant
(09:50):
that came in fashion in theearly 90s MC Hammer, vanilla Ice
, they were rocking insanelybaggy, like sort of clown pants.
And Z Cavaricci was anextraordinarily baggy pant with
a very tight waist with I'm notfucking with you four layers.
(10:10):
The really aggressive ZCavaricci's had like four layers
of belt loops.
So there were you know, anormal pant has one layer, this
had belt loop and below thatanother layer belt loop.
So you sort of had this almostlike corset of belt loops and
then a super baggy pant.
(10:30):
And I remember seventh gradebeing like mom, brian J has
fingered a girl already.
He's in seventh grade and hewears Z Cavaricci's.
And I didn't tell my mom this,but in my head I'm going I need
to finger a girl so I better.
Can you buy me some ZCavaricci's.
And, as a good mother, shebought me some Z Cavaricci's,
(10:54):
just like I bought my son thegold chain that he wanted
recently.
And so look, they're bothgetting my son asked for some
hair gel.
This kid has never, ever,thought about girls and looking
cool.
He never chose an outfit untilabout four months ago and now
(11:14):
he's requesting gold chains, youknow, sports jerseys and some
hair gel.
So clearly it's on his mind.
He's trying to fit in with thecool kids, which, of course, you
can't judge, because that'swhat teenagers do.
It's just all about fitting in,being cool, and that's the
process and we just got to loveit, we just got to support it,
(11:39):
just like my mom gave me the zcavaricci's.
Anyway, the point I'm trying tomake is I can't believe kids
were fingering in the seventhgrade and I have a seventh
grader.
I mean this is not cool.
It's a really troubling idea.
I don't think that's going down, uh.
But I know that you knowthey're at public school in
maine, like there's shit goingdown.
But I know that you knowthey're at public school in
Maine, like there's shit goingdown.
(12:02):
So I think my parentingphilosophy is just to start to
slowly transition from parent tofriend so that I can you know I
can hear it all.
I'm not going to reprimandanybody, but it's gonna be hard,
anyway.
Anyway, the point I'm trying tomake is Neither of my kids Know
(12:22):
who they are.
So if my daughter came up to meand said, dad, I think I'm a
lesbian, I'd be like Fantasticsweetheart.
Labels are for jars, not people, and you just ride this, you
ride the lesbian train as longas you want, knowing deep down
that it's okay if she is, butthe chance there could be, a
(12:44):
solid chance that she'll, she'llfigure something else out.
And of course, we're all on a.
We're on a continuum, aren't we?
There's been a lot of stand-upabout that thing, about that,
the continuum of sexuality.
It is just incredible to methat you can get imprisoned for
murder and, uh, start enjoyingpounding guys asses pretty
(13:08):
quickly as a hetero, quoteunquote.
So, yeah, I think there's somestuff here.
I think think it's really.
It's really.
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you forlistening, because there is a
freedom in just being straightup with you.
You know, it's you that allowsme to be straight up.
And in being straight up, Ithink I'm stumbling on the
(13:31):
things that I need to be talkingabout on stage.
I need to be talking aboutbuying Z Cavaricci's because I
wanted to finger a girl likeBrian J.
I need to be talking about thatand finally, I want to leave
all of you with.
I love Reddit.
I go in waves, but Reddit is afascinating little world and I
(13:58):
recently stumbled upon someoneposing the question, which is
what is a common phrase?
People say that instantlyannoys you, and I'd like to
share what people, thousands ofpeople, what phrases annoy them,
(14:18):
so that if you use them, youcan know.
Okay, knowing is half thebattle.
Feel free to continue to usethem.
Don't be confused when peoplepunch you in the nose Okay, the
number one life hack.
People hate that phrase.
(14:38):
Life hack.
They also hate sorry, not sorry.
They hate it.
This is one they hate, but I'venever heard anyone ever say it
I was today years old usuallyfollowed by an incorrect fact.
They just learned.
I never cry harder.
People really hate that.
(14:58):
They hate it.
Everything happens for a reason.
Never say that when somethingbad has happened to a friend,
the more you know.
Never say that, never, nooffense, but yeah, I don't care
about that.
That can be Kind of funny whenyou say something incredibly
offensive using the word traumain a vastly exaggerated way.
(15:22):
Fully, full agreement with that.
Irregardless People hate whenpeople use that.
Irregardless people hate whenpeople use that word
irregardless.
I could care less.
A lot of people hate that.
This means you do care at leasta little, which is the precise
opposite of what you're tryingto convey.
Idiot Only in.
(15:44):
Insert city or state.
95% of the time they say onlyin.
It's something that can happenalmost anywhere in the US.
Don't do that.
Don't say only in.
This triggered my OCD.
Don't say that People hate it.
I don't want to yuck anyone'syum.
Actually, yucking yum is I dolike that one.
(16:05):
I respectfully disagree.
This is my favorite.
I love that for you.
I love that for you.
It's the most condescending one.
I just love it.
I love you.
I actually use that with my wifeall the time.
We had a good running gag forabout a year and a half where
every time she expressedenthusiasm for anything I said I
(16:28):
love that for you and shereturned the favor Run, don't
walk.
I actually use that.
I got to stop using it.
People hate it.
Am I the only one who?
No, you are not and you'reself-centered.
Stop it.
Let's circle back to this.
We should touch base.
Let's put a pin in it.
Yeah, icentered, stop it.
Let's circle back to this.
(16:48):
We should touch base.
Let's put a pin in it.
Yeah, I say pin in it.
I got to stop that Circle back.
Yeah, I do say that.
Uh-oh, oh boy.
Yep, we're all feeling it.
A lot of hatred for the thingswe say All right, lives in your
head, rent-free.
People hate that.
All right, lives in your head,rent free.
(17:23):
People hate that.
They just hate.
They hate cliches.
They hate these sayings.
I literally died.
Yeah, that anno.
It's not my place to tell youhow to live your life, but
knowing awareness is half thebattle.
If any of those things arethings that you say, maybe try
two weeks taking them out of therotation and see how your life
improves, see if you startmaking more friends.
All right, this has been fun.
(17:44):
I like where this is going.
We're kind of in a pocket hereof just building the plane as we
fly it.
I promise you that as the weekscarry on, that we will continue
to evolve and build afascinating stand-up plane in
(18:04):
front of you and hopefully wecan all board this plane in the
near future and experience someworld-class comedy together.
In the meantime, I wish you aweek full of tremendous joy,
peace, summer fun, excitementand romance, with a sprinkling
(18:31):
of third base wearing ZCavaricis.
See you next week, thank you.
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