June 26, 2025 • 26 mins
David gets back on the open mic horse and does a post mortem.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, starting standees Very excited for this
episode because what we havehere is a real-time ep.
I am T-minus hour and a halffrom going on for my open mic.
It's been a while.
I got some nervous energy, butI am actually genuinely excited.
I'm excited to try some newthings and to tighten up some
old things.
I have spent the last three orfour hours this afternoon
(00:25):
listening to old sets, removingthings that didn't get laughs,
tightening things up and thenworking on a new bit about my
son asking me if I masturbate,and I don't know if I have time
to get that in.
But the good news is I have nowenough stuff where I think I'll
(00:45):
feel it'll be easier to go toopen mics because I want to test
this stuff out.
So that's good.
It's been a winning day.
I appreciate it.
Special shout out to myaccountability group, who I meet
with on Mondays, and I don'tthink I'd be doing this without
them.
They really kicked me in theass.
So this is great.
I'm excited you're here.
I'll be coming back in a fewhours giving you the post-mortem
(01:07):
.
I'm going to the Comedy Mill inBiddeford.
The Comedy Mill is the name ofthe show.
It's called Mulligan's the bar.
There we have it.
Anyway, thanks for being hereand we'll see you soon.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:37):
That's rubbish, okay, we'reback.
Well, we did another.
It was we're back.
Well, we did another.
We got back in the saddle.
We reengaged.
The victory tonight was thereengagement.
Now, let's do an honestassessment, honest
self-reflection.
It wasn't bad.
(01:58):
I mean, I stood and delivered,so why don't we share it?
I mean, what do I got to lose?
I'll just share you the openmic I just did.
When you hear this set, you'regoing to feel tremendous
secondhand embarrassment from meand you're going to cringe and
you're going to think, oh God,this is so sad and I want you to
(02:21):
know that it is.
But it doesn't matter.
This is the inevitable,unavoidable process.
This is my 22nd, or something,open mic.
In order to become a legitimatestand-up, I need to be doing
hundreds of these, and sowhatever your, let's say, say,
(02:48):
judgment or whatever yoursecondhand embarrassment or dork
tingles or just shame or likesecondhand shame that you're
gonna feel, it's okay, I feel it, own it.
It means you like me and loveme.
It also means you're judging me.
But all of it should beaccepted as the inevitable
process.
(03:08):
And may I make somethingextremely, extremely clear to
you.
This was by far the best set ofthe night.
No, I'm just teasing.
There's some funny people, butif maybe one of these podcast
episodes I will share what thenorm is at these open mics,
(03:30):
because they are incrediblydepressing.
There is so many failed jokesslapping you across the face.
It is wildly uncomfortable, butyou begin to get like teflon.
(03:50):
You just realize that everyoneis just grinding away and that
it's so hard that the the thingsthat don't work.
No one in actually in theaudience is judging, because
everyone is.
Everyone is bombing, and so Iwant you to just put on that hat
as you listen to this.
Be an open mic audience member.
(04:12):
We got a big gay body coming tothe stage next, mr David Walton.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank youall.
Anthony, being tall is not whatit's all cracked up to be.
I get jealous of you onairplanes, and if we had the
same size penis, yours wouldlook a lot bigger, so you should
think about that.
(04:32):
You understand.
You understand what I'm saying.
We're listening to everybodyintently and there's some cool
things, like I have this set,and the themes of my set are
being mentioned.
One is masturbation and one isawareness.
You know meditation, so I thinkI'm going to go with.
I'll go with the meditation set.
(04:52):
So I've meditated probably2,000 hours, ass on cushion, and
I'm just beginning to realizethat it's a total crock of shit.
All I'm becoming more mindfuland aware of is that I'm a bad
person, like you know.
It's supposed to be this thinglike close your eyes, allow
(05:18):
sensations, thoughts, feelingsto rise and fall like waves on
the ocean, be the ocean.
And for me, as a father, it'slike I'm at the dinner table and
it's like become increasinglymindful of the smooth glass of
your iPhone as you ignore yourfamily and play some four-way
(05:42):
parlay on a Turkish basketballgame.
And then you're supposed tomake.
It's supposed to make you, youknow, connect, be more present
with your child.
And all I'm doing is sittingthere while she's on step 17 of
her Korean skincare routine,going.
(06:08):
Notice, david, the increasingcertainty that you were never
meant to be a parent.
A little dark, maybe a littledark.
I love my children, don't worryguys.
No, but it is.
It's very boring there.
Most of children's stories arereally boring, you know.
You have to sit right there init.
You just be aware of it.
I just was much happier when Iwasn't aware, like in my 20s.
You sometimes wonder, like whatit would be like to be aware of
(06:35):
doing blow with your friends inyour 20s.
You know what I mean.
You're like let's sit aroundbefore we do these lines.
Let's just give gratitude tothe Colombian farmer who made
this night possible With thegiant black man that we just met
at 3 am in this kitchen.
Let's feel the JetBlueMasterCard.
Divide up the lines equally,but just notice the subtle
justification is or divide upthe lines equally, but Just
(06:58):
notice the subtle justificationis because you bought the
cocaine, you deserve the biggerline.
Anyway, it's hard, it's hard to.
And then, like I've been onsilent retreats and I don't know
if anyone's been on a silentretreat and it's really weird.
They feel like a cult.
There's all these ADP peoplemindfully eating really slowly,
(07:19):
not talking, and I can't helpbut just want to bully them.
I just want to poke Gustav inhis third eye, or just give
Bradley a little wedgie, youknow, just supercharge his root
chakra, get that kundalinireally flowing up the spine.
There's this guy, moonbeam, andMoonbeam says that silence is
(07:46):
the loudest echo of the universe, and I disagree.
I just want to tell Moonbeamthat I think the loudest echo of
the universe is if I put yourhead in the toilet with a man
bun and gave you just a goodold-fashioned swirly.
Remember those in high school?
No, I guess I'm a baby's boy.
(08:07):
Swirlies are great the otherday.
It's really hard being a parent.
I'm just getting scary.
I have an 11-year-old boy andit feels like I'm living in a
war zone.
Not because of his physicalactivity, it's because of the
questions he's starting to ask.
I love golf.
He's getting into golf.
I'm watching the US Openrecently.
(08:29):
I'm like boy, look at ScottyShepard.
He keeps his head still and hejust releases those arms.
320, right down to Piper.
We've got to try that next timewe're on the range.
He looks at the TV and he goesDad, do you masturbate?
And it's just a horrifyingfeeling because your brain's in
a panic.
(08:49):
You get really scared because,well, first of all, you don't
want to talk about masturbationwith your son when you're
watching the US Open.
That's number one.
Because well, first of all, youdon't want to talk about
masturbation with your son whenyou're watching the US Open.
That's number one.
Number two it's creepy to thinkyour son's thinking about your
erect penis, you know, whilewatching golf.
And number three, he's watchingYouTube all the time.
Guys Like I don't know, if I sayyes, the follow-up questions
(09:10):
could be insane.
It could be like, oh cool, dad,like do you go with the double
pepper grinder?
Or like, and a little bit,today it's like you can't be.
Like.
You know, son, you know, youknow I'm not big enough for the
double pepper grinder, butluckily my wife's in the kitchen
over here and she started.
She just laughed and she goeshey, louie, everybody, everybody
(09:33):
masturbates.
And I was like hey, louie,everybody masturbates.
And I was like yes, louie,you're right, she's right, I do.
He goes.
Why?
What about the shmenma?
It's not a true story.
He goes what about the shmenma?
I go, what do you mean, shmenma?
Your dad has powerful, powerfulloads.
Actually, that load made you,boy, you run along and you play
(09:55):
your xbox.
All right, give it up for david,okay, post-mortem, post-mortem.
Thank you for listening.
Well, I hope that was asuncomfortable for you as it was
for me.
But here's the thing thing inlistening back, there's a lot to
learn.
There's so much to learn.
(10:15):
Where do I even begin?
Okay, first of all, I would saythe let's start with the
positive.
Okay.
Biggest laughs from thisaudience.
I'm not saying this is thefunniest, I'm not saying these
are the jokes that should getthe biggest laughs.
I'm saying these are the jokesthat did get the biggest laughs.
(10:36):
That's the data.
That's a room full of 18stand-up comedians.
Often, often, this is a hugeproblem in the stand-up
development system is what makesstand-up comedians laugh is
very different than what makescivilians laugh, and so a lot of
stand-ups will say this, thatthey do these jokes that are
(11:00):
really weird and off color andthey just are kind of shocking
and just strange, and they'llget laughs from the stand-up
comedian audience and then theyjust bomb with regular people
stand-up comedian audience andthen they just bomb with regular
people, and so it's just tricky.
It's tricky to trust the laughsright now.
I listened to that and here arethe biggest laughs ready.
(11:25):
First laugh was the Draft Kingsthat I had set it up.
It took way too long, I mean,just about a minute of setting
up.
Meditation is something that Ilike.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then here's what you'resupposed to do, and then blah,
blah, blah, and now I'm mindfulof my betting.
I thought it may be an adding aline.
Like you know, it's just muchmore fun to have a gambling
(11:46):
problem when you're not awarethat you have a gambling problem
.
Now, the next joke was theskincare routine of my daughter,
who you know is obsessed withKorean skincare, and she does
like 24, she will explain.
I will pretend to be interestedas she explains all 20 steps of
her skincare routine and it'shell.
It really is, uh, but shedoesn't know that until now.
(12:10):
Um and but step 17,.
Like, maybe I didn't sayexplaining it enough.
It was interesting because I'vedone this joke once before for
an audience of three people atEmpire and when I listened back
to that, that audience wasloving all this.
They were really loving it.
I was very slow, I don't knowwhat it was.
It was very intimate, I wasreally talking to them and they
(12:33):
really really liked this.
So I have two data points.
I have one audience, a verysmall amount of people, who
absolutely loved this stuff, andthen I have this audience which
was kind of iffy.
But this joke is a little bitdark.
I mean, when you're basicallysaying that you wish you weren't
a parent, it's a little.
(12:53):
It gives people a little bit oflike are these kids?
Okay, that's my theory.
Who knows if people areconcerned.
Please don't be.
My kids feel tremendous amountof love anyway, okay, okay.
Next big laugh, maybe thebiggest laugh of the night.
Going back to the tape, uh, wemay have to, we may have to go
(13:16):
back to the tape, but I think itwas the biggest laugh of the
night and that was, uh, a goodold friend, our friend cocaine.
We love talking about cocaine.
Cocaine is making a bigcomeback in the comedy world.
It's just a very funny drug forsome reason and I can't stop
talking about it.
I'm hoping to do an hour and ahalf just on that topic.
(13:38):
No, but no, it did.
There's no denying it.
The line let's give gratitude,uh, for the columbian farmers
made this night possible.
That got the biggest laugh, Ithink.
And, and you know, look, uh, ifyou've been, if you're starting
standing, you've been listeningto this.
You know that my christmasepisode, I did a a whole six
(13:59):
minute mindfulness of cocaineand obviously you'll connect the
dots and that was a joke thatcame from that, but, uh, it was
nice.
It was nice to see that, uh,people, people enjoy that.
What was interesting is my mostfavorite part, and maybe there
was like racist undertones, butit's just based on personal
experience.
Um, there was just a lot of.
(14:21):
You know, I said somethingabout a big black man who you
just met and you're in hiskitchen at 3 am giving gratitude
to the columbian farmers justmet and you're in his kitchen at
3 am giving gratitude to thecolumbian farmers, and maybe I
don't know.
I don't know, just saying bigblack man sometimes puts people
on edge.
But look, I'm just, I'm juststating the facts, um of my life
(14:43):
.
Anyway, moving on, yeah, let'smove on to the bullying thing,
the bullying of the silentretreat.
Uh, again.
Uh, this is a derivative of alot of things I've been thinking
about.
I think there's still somethingthere.
This is the again the.
(15:05):
The first time I performed this, there was people were really
digging it.
This time I think people are alittle iffy, like you know, just
a bully, like me being a bully,you can't assume that they
think you're a likable bully.
Maybe they start thinkingyou're a real asshole.
So I think there's a huge trust.
(15:25):
You have to establish thislikability and that, this
sweetness or something to pulloff these bully things.
Or you just like go fullpersona that you're just a total
dick, and then they, they'resafe to laugh.
But I think it's kind ofconfusing.
Um, I will say I left out areally kind of good line after
(15:48):
the bullying, or a bona fidejoke that works, where right
after I end the bullying bits, Isay uh, oh yeah, one more thing
.
I host a meditation class, leada meditation class at 9 AM on
Wednesdays.
A flyer hit me up for a flyer.
You know, that's always a nicelittle.
Maybe it's, maybe it's cheap,but it works.
(16:10):
It works.
It's surprising.
You know what I mean, afteryou've revealed so much darkness
, if you will, anyway.
So I forgot to say that.
But what's cool is I know itwould have gotten a laugh, and
that's what stand-ups start torealize.
They just start to have theconfidence of, like I have
trusted material that, unlessit's just an insanely weird
(16:34):
environment, is going to get alaugh.
So you build up that quiver.
Okay, moving on.
Okay, so moving on to.
I did get the time to talk aboutthis masturbation story, and so
this is what I'll say aboutthat the masturbation.
It's funny because you thinkthat people are going to laugh
(16:58):
when you tell the story, likethis is what my son did.
He asked me if I was going to,if I was masturbating and if you
were telling your friends andfamily that they would laugh
just with his question.
But an audience, that's, that'snot enough.
They don't know my son.
I don't really know me.
It's kind of it's not a joke,it's just like okay, well, he
(17:21):
asked you if you masturbated.
The jokes have to come afterthat.
So I would say I'll give myselfa pat on the back.
I knew that that saying Dad, doyou masturbate?
Wasn't going to get a laughEither because there's probably
a way to do it, there's probablya way to set it up with timing
or something where that does geta laugh.
However, I knew that I didn'thave that yet, so I just rolled
(17:47):
through it.
I tried to just move past itquickly and get right into the
reality of what is the reactionof a human, what is the honest,
truthful reaction I had, whichwas really that my face turned
blood red and it was superuncomfortable and somewhat
annoying and funny.
(18:08):
It was like a whole mixture ofemotions and I think what you
really want to get down to iswhat I'm hoping to do is to get
more of that truthful, the truthof the reaction, and there is a
lot of panic, you know, becauseyour mind starts really ripping
on what you're going to say,because you can just be like
(18:31):
like yes, or you can say likewithin the five seconds that
you're waiting to kind of decidewhat to say to your son when he
says do you masturbate?
Yeah, I think I probably hadabout 40 thoughts and that's
what I was trying to get at inthe stand-up set.
I was trying to like milk thefunny things, because you know
(18:52):
the questions are coming andthere is a tremendous amount of
curiosity and also dirtinesswhen you're 11, as a boy, like
the shit you're talking about atschool.
I mean, I was looking athustlers, I think, when I was 9
or 10, like it's on and it's onfor my son, and so you know, I
(19:13):
think there's better jokes.
Like I should have mimicked thedouble pepper grinder thing.
Uh, I, I, I'm not sure peopleknow what that is.
That's like an inside joke.
You know, when you pepper grinda penis, um, maybe, maybe, just
not that funny to people.
I was surprised that peopledidn't find that term funny as
(19:34):
funny as I do.
But like I could add justanother stupid, like kind of
high school term like the thestranger.
You know, like if Louie startedasking me like if I've ever
done the stranger, which is whenyou sit on your left hand and,
you know, remove all blood flowso it goes numb and then you
(19:54):
masturbate with it so it feelslike someone else's hand.
You know, maybe, maybe that'sone.
You know, there's a millionterms for the different ways you
can.
You can do it, but, um, I thinkthere's something there.
I think I think this story canmilk and especially can it can
parlay right into his otherquestion, driving to school,
(20:14):
when he asked me if I'd everdone cocaine.
So there's quite a bit here ofmy relationship to my son that I
think is good and I'm excitedto tighten.
And then I added, very late tothis set, I added what is in the
leading.
It could be a tie of the twobiggest laughs and a couple of
(20:37):
standups.
You know, sort of marked it astheir favorite line, where Louis
, you know, when he asked, and Ihad to say I forget to say this
is a true story because I thinka lot of people assume that
you're bullshitting, but I justwant to.
You know, I think next time Ido it I'll be like guys, this is
really true.
Nothing I'm saying is false.
(20:59):
When he said like, oh dad, it'sso gross, like does the shmegma
come out?
And then me getting pridefulabout my loads People really
like that.
And then there's just thestraight truth of the matter,
which has always blown my mindreally, is that the reason these
(21:20):
beloved children exist isbecause you nutted directly into
your wife's vagina.
You just busted it.
That's it, simple, simple.
The most pedestrian thing inthe world has created this life,
has changed your life on such aprofound, deep, in such a
(21:41):
profound way.
I find it so comical.
I remember when my sister, myoldest sister, announced that
she was pregnant, when my sister, my, my oldest sister,
announced that she was pregnant.
I remember like we were in theliving room of our house, uh, on
clyde street, and everyone gotso excited.
It was just screaming.
I three, my three other sisters, screaming, my mother's
(22:04):
screaming, and and francy andJohn were there.
John is her husband and theywere in their mid-20s, a little
sort of late, 26, 27.
And I was not screaming, I wasnot smiling, I was just looking
at them, being like, justimagining, like, okay, look at
this excitement.
(22:25):
All that dude did was just bustit unprotected into my sister.
That's it.
What are we congratulating themfor Do you know how fucking
easy that is?
(22:48):
Do you know how good?
You know that feels Like you'rejust all screaming, that your
daughter like pulled the goalieand got just fully nutted into.
You know, and that's where mybrain goes.
(23:08):
I don't know why I just that'swhere my brain goes.
I don't know why.
That's how my brain works.
And then, later on, you know,my nephew's born and I Make sure
to tell him.
The only reason you existRemember, dude, the only reason
you exist, is cause of that.
It's cause of what I just said.
Anyway, there's something there, but it's because of what I
(23:28):
just said.
Anyway, there's something there, but it's more podcasty than it
is stand-up.
Maybe not, who knows, butpeople liked that.
People liked me bragging aboutthe load and then me trying to
explain.
You know, like, ask your mother, that's exactly how we made you
boy.
Now go play your Xbox.
(23:50):
I don't know.
It seemed like a pretty strongending.
I think the claps at the end ofthat were maybe the strongest
I've ever had at the end of anopen mic.
And I don't think that'sbecause the open mic was
particularly good, because Iended on a strong note which is
(24:12):
high up on the list of must-dosto be a stand-up.
Okay, that's it.
I've really gone for it.
It was fun to do a post-mortem.
This one is probably more forme because I can listen back and
remember and my takeaways.
But I really do appreciate youbeing here and coming all the
(24:32):
way with me.
And, yeah, we're back, we'reback.
We got a little bit of thatfire.
We've been through the darknight of the soul questioning
everything, but the fire is back.
We're going to keep going andwe're going to have a fun summer
and we're going to keepgrinding.
And who knows where we go, whoknows where this takes us.
The days are getting shorter,the solstice is behind us, the
(24:55):
summer is just beginning.
If you are going to nut insomeone this summer, just make
sure you're ready to have a babyor that they are in proper
protection.
That's the PSA for today.
Lots of love, everybody Wishingyou tremendous, tremendous joy
(25:16):
and peace and love.
Next week's guest is DaveChappelle, and then the
following week will be Louis CKand then the following week
after that is going to be JerrySeinfeld.
We're just confirming thoseguys.
So it's not 100, it's close.
So I look forward to, uh,interviewing those guys and, you
(25:39):
know, hearing what advice theyhave for me after they listen to
this set.
Okay, bye, thank you.
Hello, starting standees Very excited for this
episode because what we havehere is a real-time ep.
I am T-minus hour and a halffrom going on for my open mic.
It's been a while.
I got some nervous energy, butI am actually genuinely excited.
I'm excited to try some newthings and to tighten up some
old things.
I have spent the last three orfour hours this afternoon
(00:25):
listening to old sets, removingthings that didn't get laughs,
tightening things up and thenworking on a new bit about my
son asking me if I masturbate,and I don't know if I have time
to get that in.
But the good news is I have nowenough stuff where I think I'll
(00:45):
feel it'll be easier to go toopen mics because I want to test
this stuff out.
So that's good.
It's been a winning day.
I appreciate it.
Special shout out to myaccountability group, who I meet
with on Mondays, and I don'tthink I'd be doing this without
them.
They really kicked me in theass.
So this is great.
I'm excited you're here.
I'll be coming back in a fewhours giving you the post-mortem
(01:07):
.
I'm going to the Comedy Mill inBiddeford.
The Comedy Mill is the name ofthe show.
It's called Mulligan's the bar.
There we have it.
Anyway, thanks for being hereand we'll see you soon.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:37):
That's rubbish, okay, we'reback.
Well, we did another.
It was we're back.
Well, we did another.
We got back in the saddle.
We reengaged.
The victory tonight was thereengagement.
Now, let's do an honestassessment, honest
self-reflection.
It wasn't bad.
(01:58):
I mean, I stood and delivered,so why don't we share it?
I mean, what do I got to lose?
I'll just share you the openmic I just did.
When you hear this set, you'regoing to feel tremendous
secondhand embarrassment from meand you're going to cringe and
you're going to think, oh God,this is so sad and I want you to
(02:21):
know that it is.
But it doesn't matter.
This is the inevitable,unavoidable process.
This is my 22nd, or something,open mic.
In order to become a legitimatestand-up, I need to be doing
hundreds of these, and sowhatever your, let's say, say,
(02:48):
judgment or whatever yoursecondhand embarrassment or dork
tingles or just shame or likesecondhand shame that you're
gonna feel, it's okay, I feel it, own it.
It means you like me and loveme.
It also means you're judging me.
But all of it should beaccepted as the inevitable
process.
(03:08):
And may I make somethingextremely, extremely clear to
you.
This was by far the best set ofthe night.
No, I'm just teasing.
There's some funny people, butif maybe one of these podcast
episodes I will share what thenorm is at these open mics,
(03:30):
because they are incrediblydepressing.
There is so many failed jokesslapping you across the face.
It is wildly uncomfortable, butyou begin to get like teflon.
(03:50):
You just realize that everyoneis just grinding away and that
it's so hard that the the thingsthat don't work.
No one in actually in theaudience is judging, because
everyone is.
Everyone is bombing, and so Iwant you to just put on that hat
as you listen to this.
Be an open mic audience member.
(04:12):
We got a big gay body coming tothe stage next, mr David Walton.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank youall.
Anthony, being tall is not whatit's all cracked up to be.
I get jealous of you onairplanes, and if we had the
same size penis, yours wouldlook a lot bigger, so you should
think about that.
(04:32):
You understand.
You understand what I'm saying.
We're listening to everybodyintently and there's some cool
things, like I have this set,and the themes of my set are
being mentioned.
One is masturbation and one isawareness.
You know meditation, so I thinkI'm going to go with.
I'll go with the meditation set.
(04:52):
So I've meditated probably2,000 hours, ass on cushion, and
I'm just beginning to realizethat it's a total crock of shit.
All I'm becoming more mindfuland aware of is that I'm a bad
person, like you know.
It's supposed to be this thinglike close your eyes, allow
(05:18):
sensations, thoughts, feelingsto rise and fall like waves on
the ocean, be the ocean.
And for me, as a father, it'slike I'm at the dinner table and
it's like become increasinglymindful of the smooth glass of
your iPhone as you ignore yourfamily and play some four-way
(05:42):
parlay on a Turkish basketballgame.
And then you're supposed tomake.
It's supposed to make you, youknow, connect, be more present
with your child.
And all I'm doing is sittingthere while she's on step 17 of
her Korean skincare routine,going.
(06:08):
Notice, david, the increasingcertainty that you were never
meant to be a parent.
A little dark, maybe a littledark.
I love my children, don't worryguys.
No, but it is.
It's very boring there.
Most of children's stories arereally boring, you know.
You have to sit right there init.
You just be aware of it.
I just was much happier when Iwasn't aware, like in my 20s.
You sometimes wonder, like whatit would be like to be aware of
(06:35):
doing blow with your friends inyour 20s.
You know what I mean.
You're like let's sit aroundbefore we do these lines.
Let's just give gratitude tothe Colombian farmer who made
this night possible With thegiant black man that we just met
at 3 am in this kitchen.
Let's feel the JetBlueMasterCard.
Divide up the lines equally,but just notice the subtle
justification is or divide upthe lines equally, but Just
(06:58):
notice the subtle justificationis because you bought the
cocaine, you deserve the biggerline.
Anyway, it's hard, it's hard to.
And then, like I've been onsilent retreats and I don't know
if anyone's been on a silentretreat and it's really weird.
They feel like a cult.
There's all these ADP peoplemindfully eating really slowly,
(07:19):
not talking, and I can't helpbut just want to bully them.
I just want to poke Gustav inhis third eye, or just give
Bradley a little wedgie, youknow, just supercharge his root
chakra, get that kundalinireally flowing up the spine.
There's this guy, moonbeam, andMoonbeam says that silence is
(07:46):
the loudest echo of the universe, and I disagree.
I just want to tell Moonbeamthat I think the loudest echo of
the universe is if I put yourhead in the toilet with a man
bun and gave you just a goodold-fashioned swirly.
Remember those in high school?
No, I guess I'm a baby's boy.
(08:07):
Swirlies are great the otherday.
It's really hard being a parent.
I'm just getting scary.
I have an 11-year-old boy andit feels like I'm living in a
war zone.
Not because of his physicalactivity, it's because of the
questions he's starting to ask.
I love golf.
He's getting into golf.
I'm watching the US Openrecently.
(08:29):
I'm like boy, look at ScottyShepard.
He keeps his head still and hejust releases those arms.
320, right down to Piper.
We've got to try that next timewe're on the range.
He looks at the TV and he goesDad, do you masturbate?
And it's just a horrifyingfeeling because your brain's in
a panic.
(08:49):
You get really scared because,well, first of all, you don't
want to talk about masturbationwith your son when you're
watching the US Open.
That's number one.
Because well, first of all, youdon't want to talk about
masturbation with your son whenyou're watching the US Open.
That's number one.
Number two it's creepy to thinkyour son's thinking about your
erect penis, you know, whilewatching golf.
And number three, he's watchingYouTube all the time.
Guys Like I don't know, if I sayyes, the follow-up questions
(09:10):
could be insane.
It could be like, oh cool, dad,like do you go with the double
pepper grinder?
Or like, and a little bit,today it's like you can't be.
Like.
You know, son, you know, youknow I'm not big enough for the
double pepper grinder, butluckily my wife's in the kitchen
over here and she started.
She just laughed and she goeshey, louie, everybody, everybody
(09:33):
masturbates.
And I was like hey, louie,everybody masturbates.
And I was like yes, louie,you're right, she's right, I do.
He goes.
Why?
What about the shmenma?
It's not a true story.
He goes what about the shmenma?
I go, what do you mean, shmenma?
Your dad has powerful, powerfulloads.
Actually, that load made you,boy, you run along and you play
(09:55):
your xbox.
All right, give it up for david,okay, post-mortem, post-mortem.
Thank you for listening.
Well, I hope that was asuncomfortable for you as it was
for me.
But here's the thing thing inlistening back, there's a lot to
learn.
There's so much to learn.
(10:15):
Where do I even begin?
Okay, first of all, I would saythe let's start with the
positive.
Okay.
Biggest laughs from thisaudience.
I'm not saying this is thefunniest, I'm not saying these
are the jokes that should getthe biggest laughs.
I'm saying these are the jokesthat did get the biggest laughs.
(10:36):
That's the data.
That's a room full of 18stand-up comedians.
Often, often, this is a hugeproblem in the stand-up
development system is what makesstand-up comedians laugh is
very different than what makescivilians laugh, and so a lot of
stand-ups will say this, thatthey do these jokes that are
(11:00):
really weird and off color andthey just are kind of shocking
and just strange, and they'llget laughs from the stand-up
comedian audience and then theyjust bomb with regular people
stand-up comedian audience andthen they just bomb with regular
people, and so it's just tricky.
It's tricky to trust the laughsright now.
I listened to that and here arethe biggest laughs ready.
(11:25):
First laugh was the Draft Kingsthat I had set it up.
It took way too long, I mean,just about a minute of setting
up.
Meditation is something that Ilike.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then here's what you'resupposed to do, and then blah,
blah, blah, and now I'm mindfulof my betting.
I thought it may be an adding aline.
Like you know, it's just muchmore fun to have a gambling
(11:46):
problem when you're not awarethat you have a gambling problem
.
Now, the next joke was theskincare routine of my daughter,
who you know is obsessed withKorean skincare, and she does
like 24, she will explain.
I will pretend to be interestedas she explains all 20 steps of
her skincare routine and it'shell.
It really is, uh, but shedoesn't know that until now.
(12:10):
Um and but step 17,.
Like, maybe I didn't sayexplaining it enough.
It was interesting because I'vedone this joke once before for
an audience of three people atEmpire and when I listened back
to that, that audience wasloving all this.
They were really loving it.
I was very slow, I don't knowwhat it was.
It was very intimate, I wasreally talking to them and they
(12:33):
really really liked this.
So I have two data points.
I have one audience, a verysmall amount of people, who
absolutely loved this stuff, andthen I have this audience which
was kind of iffy.
But this joke is a little bitdark.
I mean, when you're basicallysaying that you wish you weren't
a parent, it's a little.
(12:53):
It gives people a little bit oflike are these kids?
Okay, that's my theory.
Who knows if people areconcerned.
Please don't be.
My kids feel tremendous amountof love anyway, okay, okay.
Next big laugh, maybe thebiggest laugh of the night.
Going back to the tape, uh, wemay have to, we may have to go
(13:16):
back to the tape, but I think itwas the biggest laugh of the
night and that was, uh, a goodold friend, our friend cocaine.
We love talking about cocaine.
Cocaine is making a bigcomeback in the comedy world.
It's just a very funny drug forsome reason and I can't stop
talking about it.
I'm hoping to do an hour and ahalf just on that topic.
(13:38):
No, but no, it did.
There's no denying it.
The line let's give gratitude,uh, for the columbian farmers
made this night possible.
That got the biggest laugh, Ithink.
And, and you know, look, uh, ifyou've been, if you're starting
standing, you've been listeningto this.
You know that my christmasepisode, I did a a whole six
(13:59):
minute mindfulness of cocaineand obviously you'll connect the
dots and that was a joke thatcame from that, but, uh, it was
nice.
It was nice to see that, uh,people, people enjoy that.
What was interesting is my mostfavorite part, and maybe there
was like racist undertones, butit's just based on personal
experience.
Um, there was just a lot of.
(14:21):
You know, I said somethingabout a big black man who you
just met and you're in hiskitchen at 3 am giving gratitude
to the columbian farmers justmet and you're in his kitchen at
3 am giving gratitude to thecolumbian farmers, and maybe I
don't know.
I don't know, just saying bigblack man sometimes puts people
on edge.
But look, I'm just, I'm juststating the facts, um of my life
(14:43):
.
Anyway, moving on, yeah, let'smove on to the bullying thing,
the bullying of the silentretreat.
Uh, again.
Uh, this is a derivative of alot of things I've been thinking
about.
I think there's still somethingthere.
This is the again the.
(15:05):
The first time I performed this, there was people were really
digging it.
This time I think people are alittle iffy, like you know, just
a bully, like me being a bully,you can't assume that they
think you're a likable bully.
Maybe they start thinkingyou're a real asshole.
So I think there's a huge trust.
(15:25):
You have to establish thislikability and that, this
sweetness or something to pulloff these bully things.
Or you just like go fullpersona that you're just a total
dick, and then they, they'resafe to laugh.
But I think it's kind ofconfusing.
Um, I will say I left out areally kind of good line after
(15:48):
the bullying, or a bona fidejoke that works, where right
after I end the bullying bits, Isay uh, oh yeah, one more thing
.
I host a meditation class, leada meditation class at 9 AM on
Wednesdays.
A flyer hit me up for a flyer.
You know, that's always a nicelittle.
Maybe it's, maybe it's cheap,but it works.
(16:10):
It works.
It's surprising.
You know what I mean, afteryou've revealed so much darkness
, if you will, anyway.
So I forgot to say that.
But what's cool is I know itwould have gotten a laugh, and
that's what stand-ups start torealize.
They just start to have theconfidence of, like I have
trusted material that, unlessit's just an insanely weird
(16:34):
environment, is going to get alaugh.
So you build up that quiver.
Okay, moving on.
Okay, so moving on to.
I did get the time to talk aboutthis masturbation story, and so
this is what I'll say aboutthat the masturbation.
It's funny because you thinkthat people are going to laugh
(16:58):
when you tell the story, likethis is what my son did.
He asked me if I was going to,if I was masturbating and if you
were telling your friends andfamily that they would laugh
just with his question.
But an audience, that's, that'snot enough.
They don't know my son.
I don't really know me.
It's kind of it's not a joke,it's just like okay, well, he
(17:21):
asked you if you masturbated.
The jokes have to come afterthat.
So I would say I'll give myselfa pat on the back.
I knew that that saying Dad, doyou masturbate?
Wasn't going to get a laughEither because there's probably
a way to do it, there's probablya way to set it up with timing
or something where that does geta laugh.
However, I knew that I didn'thave that yet, so I just rolled
(17:47):
through it.
I tried to just move past itquickly and get right into the
reality of what is the reactionof a human, what is the honest,
truthful reaction I had, whichwas really that my face turned
blood red and it was superuncomfortable and somewhat
annoying and funny.
(18:08):
It was like a whole mixture ofemotions and I think what you
really want to get down to iswhat I'm hoping to do is to get
more of that truthful, the truthof the reaction, and there is a
lot of panic, you know, becauseyour mind starts really ripping
on what you're going to say,because you can just be like
(18:31):
like yes, or you can say likewithin the five seconds that
you're waiting to kind of decidewhat to say to your son when he
says do you masturbate?
Yeah, I think I probably hadabout 40 thoughts and that's
what I was trying to get at inthe stand-up set.
I was trying to like milk thefunny things, because you know
(18:52):
the questions are coming andthere is a tremendous amount of
curiosity and also dirtinesswhen you're 11, as a boy, like
the shit you're talking about atschool.
I mean, I was looking athustlers, I think, when I was 9
or 10, like it's on and it's onfor my son, and so you know, I
(19:13):
think there's better jokes.
Like I should have mimicked thedouble pepper grinder thing.
Uh, I, I, I'm not sure peopleknow what that is.
That's like an inside joke.
You know, when you pepper grinda penis, um, maybe, maybe, just
not that funny to people.
I was surprised that peopledidn't find that term funny as
(19:34):
funny as I do.
But like I could add justanother stupid, like kind of
high school term like the thestranger.
You know, like if Louie startedasking me like if I've ever
done the stranger, which is whenyou sit on your left hand and,
you know, remove all blood flowso it goes numb and then you
(19:54):
masturbate with it so it feelslike someone else's hand.
You know, maybe, maybe that'sone.
You know, there's a millionterms for the different ways you
can.
You can do it, but, um, I thinkthere's something there.
I think I think this story canmilk and especially can it can
parlay right into his otherquestion, driving to school,
(20:14):
when he asked me if I'd everdone cocaine.
So there's quite a bit here ofmy relationship to my son that I
think is good and I'm excitedto tighten.
And then I added, very late tothis set, I added what is in the
leading.
It could be a tie of the twobiggest laughs and a couple of
(20:37):
standups.
You know, sort of marked it astheir favorite line, where Louis
, you know, when he asked, and Ihad to say I forget to say this
is a true story because I thinka lot of people assume that
you're bullshitting, but I justwant to.
You know, I think next time Ido it I'll be like guys, this is
really true.
Nothing I'm saying is false.
(20:59):
When he said like, oh dad, it'sso gross, like does the shmegma
come out?
And then me getting pridefulabout my loads People really
like that.
And then there's just thestraight truth of the matter,
which has always blown my mindreally, is that the reason these
(21:20):
beloved children exist isbecause you nutted directly into
your wife's vagina.
You just busted it.
That's it, simple, simple.
The most pedestrian thing inthe world has created this life,
has changed your life on such aprofound, deep, in such a
(21:41):
profound way.
I find it so comical.
I remember when my sister, myoldest sister, announced that
she was pregnant, when my sister, my, my oldest sister,
announced that she was pregnant.
I remember like we were in theliving room of our house, uh, on
clyde street, and everyone gotso excited.
It was just screaming.
I three, my three other sisters, screaming, my mother's
(22:04):
screaming, and and francy andJohn were there.
John is her husband and theywere in their mid-20s, a little
sort of late, 26, 27.
And I was not screaming, I wasnot smiling, I was just looking
at them, being like, justimagining, like, okay, look at
this excitement.
(22:25):
All that dude did was just bustit unprotected into my sister.
That's it.
What are we congratulating themfor Do you know how fucking
easy that is?
(22:48):
Do you know how good?
You know that feels Like you'rejust all screaming, that your
daughter like pulled the goalieand got just fully nutted into.
You know, and that's where mybrain goes.
(23:08):
I don't know why I just that'swhere my brain goes.
I don't know why.
That's how my brain works.
And then, later on, you know,my nephew's born and I Make sure
to tell him.
The only reason you existRemember, dude, the only reason
you exist, is cause of that.
It's cause of what I just said.
Anyway, there's something there, but it's because of what I
(23:28):
just said.
Anyway, there's something there, but it's more podcasty than it
is stand-up.
Maybe not, who knows, butpeople liked that.
People liked me bragging aboutthe load and then me trying to
explain.
You know, like, ask your mother, that's exactly how we made you
boy.
Now go play your Xbox.
(23:50):
I don't know.
It seemed like a pretty strongending.
I think the claps at the end ofthat were maybe the strongest
I've ever had at the end of anopen mic.
And I don't think that'sbecause the open mic was
particularly good, because Iended on a strong note which is
(24:12):
high up on the list of must-dosto be a stand-up.
Okay, that's it.
I've really gone for it.
It was fun to do a post-mortem.
This one is probably more forme because I can listen back and
remember and my takeaways.
But I really do appreciate youbeing here and coming all the
(24:32):
way with me.
And, yeah, we're back, we'reback.
We got a little bit of thatfire.
We've been through the darknight of the soul questioning
everything, but the fire is back.
We're going to keep going andwe're going to have a fun summer
and we're going to keepgrinding.
And who knows where we go, whoknows where this takes us.
The days are getting shorter,the solstice is behind us, the
(24:55):
summer is just beginning.
If you are going to nut insomeone this summer, just make
sure you're ready to have a babyor that they are in proper
protection.
That's the PSA for today.
Lots of love, everybody Wishingyou tremendous, tremendous joy
(25:16):
and peace and love.
Next week's guest is DaveChappelle, and then the
following week will be Louis CKand then the following week
after that is going to be JerrySeinfeld.
We're just confirming thoseguys.
So it's not 100, it's close.
So I look forward to, uh,interviewing those guys and, you
(25:39):
know, hearing what advice theyhave for me after they listen to
this set.
Okay, bye, thank you.
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