Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, everybody, here we are again.
Summer, that sweet melancholythat I've been talking about
since summer began, is finallyupon us.
Some cold fall north winds arerustling through the leaves.
If you look closely, a few ofthose leaves are starting to
tinge and crisp up on the edges.
(00:22):
Tinge and crisp up on the edges.
Fall fast approaches.
How was your summer?
Great, glad to hear it.
How's your liver?
Yeah, me too.
Me too Laughter.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Music.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Music, music oh man, that's rubbish.
That's rubbish.
Well, as you can probably tell,I am suffering from psoriasis
of the liver that's undiagnosed.
I don't believe I actually dohave psoriasis of the liver, but
I will say that all my lack ofsleep and this summer's
activities have finally caughtup with me and we're not doing
well.
Physically.
We are not well, and so,because I need to take care of
(01:26):
me, I'm taking care of me.
I'm going to just do a veryshort, simple episode where I
talk about puberty for a briefmoment.
I believe there's a bit hereand we're going to work it out.
But, of course, because this isstarting stand-up and this is
(01:47):
just a spitball area, I am goingto just share a little bit of
what I did and you can tell meif it made you laugh out loud
any of it, and then you can wishme well, you can send healing,
healing thoughts towards me, andthen I'll be back better than
ever.
And this fall is going to begreat, because we're going to
(02:08):
put together the summer'scontent and we're going to shape
it into just a world-classstand-up set that is going to
rocket ship me to the top of thegame, to the top of the heap
the game to the top of the heap.
(02:28):
Oh, watch out Chris Rock.
Here I come, all right, wishingyou healing if you are also
suffering from psoriasis.
I discovered some writing.
I did.
I'm really happy I discoveredit because it's about puberty
and I've always loved puberty.
I love puberty.
No, my kids are right on theedge.
Things are happening and that'sreally when my memory came
(02:53):
online and as I was thinkingabout puberty and what an
absolute horror show it is forpeople's appearances and just
it's almost like a the greatmutator I thought what would
puberty be like if, like it wasa drug dealer?
You know what I mean.
Like if puberty was personifiedin a dark alley?
(03:16):
I'm not sure you would take thedrugs right, because puberty is
basically it's.
It's it's in the street cornerand he's pushing, he's like,
he's like hey little boy.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
You want a little testosterone.
You want a little growthhormone.
Come on, baby.
Come on over here.
This shit's going to make youhuge dude.
Your dick's going to grow, bro.
You want your dick to grow?
Come on over.
You want to get yoked?
You want some bolder shoulders?
Come on over here, man.
I got what you need.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I got straight pituitary gland right here.
You want to start smelling likeshit.
You want your mom to no longerhug you because you got bo.
Come on, you want to get rockhard in the middle of the day
for no reason.
I got you, I got you.
And it's a huge risk, man, ifyou go into that dark alley and
(04:11):
you say yes to puberty, I meanyou're taking a huge gamble
Because most kids are so cute.
You know, I can't tell I'm notgoing to name names, but like
you know that person, when theywere 11, 12, they were cute.
It was like oh, wow.
And then all of a sudden, dude,their nose just grows twice as
(04:34):
big and just starts glisteningwith oil and little pus
mountains.
Come on, man, you want some pusmountains that'll explode and
bleed when you touch them.
You want uncontrollable moodswings, you want.
You want hey, come on over here.
You want to hate your parentsand lash out at them for no
(04:54):
reason.
You want to start crying and notknow why I got you, I got you,
I think the bit is there.
Like if puberty was optional,you know, would you do it?
Oh, little Jimmy's so cute.
He's giving me one handsome boy.
So I pump the brakes on littleJimmy.
Little Jimmy looks like a horsecolt with some sort of skin
(05:20):
rash.
Well, everybody, here we are again.
Summer, that sweet melancholythat I've been talking about
since summer began, is finallyupon us.
Some cold fall north winds arerustling through the leaves.
If you look closely, a few ofthose leaves are starting to
tinge and crisp up on the edges.
(00:22):
Tinge and crisp up on the edges.
Fall fast approaches.
How was your summer?
Great, glad to hear it.
How's your liver?
Yeah, me too.
Me too Laughter.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Music.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Music, music oh man, that's rubbish.
That's rubbish.
Well, as you can probably tell,I am suffering from psoriasis
of the liver that's undiagnosed.
I don't believe I actually dohave psoriasis of the liver, but
I will say that all my lack ofsleep and this summer's
activities have finally caughtup with me and we're not doing
well.
Physically.
We are not well, and so,because I need to take care of
(01:26):
me, I'm taking care of me.
I'm going to just do a veryshort, simple episode where I
talk about puberty for a briefmoment.
I believe there's a bit hereand we're going to work it out.
But, of course, because this isstarting stand-up and this is
(01:47):
just a spitball area, I am goingto just share a little bit of
what I did and you can tell meif it made you laugh out loud
any of it, and then you can wishme well, you can send healing,
healing thoughts towards me, andthen I'll be back better than
ever.
And this fall is going to begreat, because we're going to
(02:08):
put together the summer'scontent and we're going to shape
it into just a world-classstand-up set that is going to
rocket ship me to the top of thegame, to the top of the heap
the game to the top of the heap.
(02:28):
Oh, watch out Chris Rock.
Here I come, all right, wishingyou healing if you are also
suffering from psoriasis.
I discovered some writing.
I did.
I'm really happy I discoveredit because it's about puberty
and I've always loved puberty.
I love puberty.
No, my kids are right on theedge.
Things are happening and that'sreally when my memory came
(02:53):
online and as I was thinkingabout puberty and what an
absolute horror show it is forpeople's appearances and just
it's almost like a the greatmutator I thought what would
puberty be like if, like it wasa drug dealer?
You know what I mean.
Like if puberty was personifiedin a dark alley?
(03:16):
I'm not sure you would take thedrugs right, because puberty is
basically it's.
It's it's in the street cornerand he's pushing, he's like,
he's like hey little boy.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
You want a little testosterone.
You want a little growthhormone.
Come on, baby.
Come on over here.
This shit's going to make youhuge dude.
Your dick's going to grow, bro.
You want your dick to grow?
Come on over.
You want to get yoked?
You want some bolder shoulders?
Come on over here, man.
I got what you need.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I got straight pituitary gland right here.
You want to start smelling likeshit.
You want your mom to no longerhug you because you got bo.
Come on, you want to get rockhard in the middle of the day
for no reason.
I got you, I got you.
And it's a huge risk, man, ifyou go into that dark alley and
(04:11):
you say yes to puberty, I meanyou're taking a huge gamble
Because most kids are so cute.
You know, I can't tell I'm notgoing to name names, but like
you know that person, when theywere 11, 12, they were cute.
It was like oh, wow.
And then all of a sudden, dude,their nose just grows twice as
(04:34):
big and just starts glisteningwith oil and little pus
mountains.
Come on, man, you want some pusmountains that'll explode and
bleed when you touch them.
You want uncontrollable moodswings, you want.
You want hey, come on over here.
You want to hate your parentsand lash out at them for no
(04:54):
reason.
You want to start crying and notknow why I got you, I got you,
I think the bit is there.
Like if puberty was optional,you know, would you do it?
Oh, little Jimmy's so cute.
He's giving me one handsome boy.
So I pump the brakes on littleJimmy.
Little Jimmy looks like a horsecolt with some sort of skin
(05:20):
rash.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Two Guys, Five Rings: Matt, Bowen & The Olympics
Two Guys (Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers). Five Rings (you know, from the Olympics logo). One essential podcast for the 2026 Milan-Cortina Winter Olympics. Bowen Yang (SNL, Wicked) and Matt Rogers (Palm Royale, No Good Deed) of Las Culturistas are back for a second season of Two Guys, Five Rings, a collaboration with NBC Sports and iHeartRadio. In this 15-episode event, Bowen and Matt discuss the top storylines, obsess over Italian culture, and find out what really goes on in the Olympic Village.