September 4, 2025 • 15 mins
In this episode, David returns stone-cold sober and shares stories about parenting his wonderfully unfiltered son. From YouTube 'facts' and Jersey Mike's obsessions to the challenges of raising kids in the digital age, David explores the delicate balance of maintaining honest relationships with children while trying not to completely lose your mind. Plus, a masterclass in why Jersey Mike's employees probably have incredible right arms.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton and I'mso excited to be transmitting
this podcast dead sober, for thefirst time in about three
months.
If the quality deteriorates,you know why.
If it goes up, you'll also knowwhy Some of you will have
differing opinions on this.
(00:20):
Let's get started on this.
Let's get started Today.
I just wanted to talk more aboutmy son, some things that
happened this summer that Ithink are going to be
incorporated into my stand-upact.
I will say this is probably notappropriate to share.
It is probably something thathe will be, something that he
(00:50):
will be mad at me for later inhis life, if not tomorrow.
It may affect him negatively inhis social life and his ability
to function as an adult in theworld.
It may negatively impact,rather, his ability to gain
employment and to get into goodschools and it could also
require me reporting to socialworkers.
(01:12):
But anything for the pod oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:47):
I got some new material for myson.
He's kind of like an engine.
I mean it's.
He's a really outspoken kid,really interesting, very, very
honest and open, and I like he'sgot an.
He's got an original take onthe world.
You know it's nuts.
I mean he's learning mostschool doesn't teach him shit,
so he's learning mostly fromyoutube.
So it's mostly just ridiculousfacts that you don't care about.
Like hey, dad, did you knowthat you can grow back a finger
(02:10):
if it gets cut off?
And I'm like, oh, that's justsounds like some YouTube
bullshit, louie.
And then he grabs my phone,looks it up and yes, he's
technically right.
If you young enough age, youlop off the tip of your finger
where there's still a little bitof nail nail bed, it will grow
back.
But anything below the knuckleand you're fucked.
(02:31):
And I told that I go, louie,anything below the knuckle is
you're screwed.
Stop with this stuff.
I don't want to hear about yourYouTube facts.
I do.
I do have a very directrelationship with him.
I think we've spent so muchtime together that we're kind of
like a bickering couple thatloves each other.
Or you know he's bless the boy.
(02:54):
He's never.
He's never annoyed when I'mlike, or he's never hurt
feelings.
So I'm like you're beingincredibly annoying, get away
from me, stop talking to me.
Like you're being incrediblyannoying, get away from me, stop
talking to me.
Nothing, no problem with that.
So I like it.
It's very freeing.
However, I do scream at him,like today.
(03:14):
I screamed at my son because Iwas hungry and I was tired and
it was the afternoon and I wasdoing some BS errand that I
shouldn't be doing for my kids,because we do too much for them
(03:37):
and they need to learn hardshipand we're not doing that.
Just kids who think that weshould spend an hour going to
storage to find the fall motifsfor the bedroom because it's
after Labor Day and it's nowtime to decorate for Halloween,
which is just absurd and I don'tlike it and I had to do it.
(04:01):
I did it and I hated myself fordoing it.
So what I did, when I hatemyself for doing it, is I take
it out on my boy and the kidjust has this very unfortunate
specific palate where hebasically eats a homemade
chicken noodle soup, eggowaffles, maybe an English muffin
(04:23):
here and there and then a tunafish sub from Jersey Mike's.
By the way, if you haven'ttried Jersey Mike's this episode
, they don't know it, but it issponsored by Jersey Mike's.
Jersey Mike's issingle-handedly.
There's only one in Maine,there's now two, but the first
(04:44):
Jersey Mike's in South Portland.
When I tasted their turkey withprovolone Mike's way, that was
the last time I ever evenconsidered going to Subway One
sandwich and I said I will neverdo a Subway again.
Poor Subway.
I don't even know how Subwaystill exists.
I don't see anyone eating inSubways anywhere but Jersey
(05:06):
Mike's.
I feel bad for the employees,their rear delts just grinding
the meat slicer all day.
It probably looks like RafaNadal.
If you guys watch tennis.
Nadal had the sleeveless shirtsand he kind of looked like one
of those crabs on the beach.
That's like walking all offkilter.
(05:28):
One claw is just giant.
Nadal was a lefty and his leftarm was.
I would say it was one and ahalf to two times bigger than
his right arm.
And that's what I imagine theJersey Mike's meat slicer.
When they rip off their shirtat night after a long day at
Jersey Mike's meat slicer, whenthey rip off their shirt at
night after a long day at JerseyMike's and take what's theirs
(05:49):
and make love to their partnerafter a long day, I imagine just
a bulging right deltoid, maybewith some tennis elbow or
golfer's elbow as well.
Just too much work on thoseligaments.
Anyway, back to my son and histuna fish sandwich.
I just for some reason thinktuna fish has too much mercury
(06:09):
in it.
If you eat it every day whenyou're going to like all of a
sudden have a kid who can't walkstraight, evidently mercury F's
up your balance, or he justturns into the Terminator from
T2 and just I had to throwliquid nitrogen on him, all
right, anyway.
So my boy asked for JerseyMike's.
He's whining about it and he'shad it like four times in the
(06:29):
last week and I'm like we're notgoing and I just lost it.
I just did my full monologue oflike your life is so good and I,
starting tonight, I'm making itreally bad.
So you know how good you had it.
And we're going to reset yourbrain.
We're doing no screens for amonth.
No, no jersey mics.
(06:52):
Nothing, nothing you like is isgoing to happen.
We're going to reset yourdopamine so that you just start
absolutely loving doing homework.
So the truth is, if you juststart absolutely loving doing
homework, the truth is, if youjust just for the same for us,
same for adults, like right nowI'm day two of no drinking.
(07:16):
Actually, that is why I lashedout at my son, I'm sure of it.
But no, we have got to stopdrinking.
It's after Labor Day.
I can't drink anymore.
That's why my addiction isbetter in this episode.
But you lash out at the boy.
(07:37):
You feel a little bad, but itdid the trick.
Let me tell you something.
This kid got home and he wascooperative.
He just sat there doing hishomework.
He never asked to do TV, heshot hoops by himself.
And for those parents out there, you know it, sometimes losing
your shit like an 80s alcoholicdad is exactly what you need to
(08:00):
do to get your spoiled ass kidsin line.
Get it together.
That's one of my favorite lines.
Pull it together right now.
Oh man, anyway.
So I'm gonna work on this bit.
(08:21):
I think it's great.
You know my if, for those whohave listened, I've got a a bit
I'm working, working on about myson just being so direct and so
open.
I'm watching golf and he's likeDad, have you ever masturbated?
It's just out of nowhere.
I'm not going to get into thatbit now, but there's something
(08:45):
I'm going to add to it.
The story basically goes likethis my son is always you know
we're very open.
He loves to be naked.
You know I'm naked.
You know shower there's no,there's no hiding anything and
he's just always been verywondered, you know, and hoped
(09:06):
and prayed in a certain extentthat his dick would be as big as
mine.
And then the other day wediscovered that he had googled
penis, vagina, boobs and sex andtits, I believe were his words
(09:34):
that he had Googled.
And this kid, he was in hisroom way too long.
Our spidey senses went up andsure enough, he came clean.
He felt like he was very fullof shame.
He thought he had donesomething unforgivable.
And while I just want to make anannouncement, I am strongly
(09:59):
against, uh, pornographicmaterial for 11 year olds, uh.
But if I were to be honestabout my own past, my very dear
friend George, up here in Mainein the summer his older brother,
we'll call him L Hart they hada terrific collection of
(10:20):
penthouse and hustlers in theirattic and I remember being 11
years old maybe 10, 11, and justabsolutely being stunned and
mesmerized by the pictures I wasseeing in hustlers and
penthouses.
Now, of course there wasn'tfull penetration, if you will,
(10:45):
in those days, but still it justseems so mysterious and
intimidating and exciting.
So very natural, of course, noshame, but I don't think it's
particularly good for anyone'sreal brain to be hammering
themselves with pornographicmaterial and my wife is strongly
(11:11):
against it only because sex isso wonderful.
And the fear is that you know,what happens is kind of what I
was recognizing when I was abachelor in LA, where all of a
sudden it was just like peoplewere like, okay, yeah, like I
got into eating ass or something.
(11:31):
It's like when did in the 90s,there wasn't a ton of ass eating
and then all of a sudden it wasjust like everyone wanted to
eat ass.
And I don't want anyone, Iwouldn't do that to my worst
enemy, meaning myself, meaningmyself, but it just seems.
(11:53):
Seems like ass eating is justthe equivalent of mish
missionary position from the 90s, just like goes with the
territory and I just think thatthat's obviously.
Things have just gone haywirebecause everyone's watching so
much damn pornography and I'mjust glad that the german porn
hasn't taken hold you know whatI mean where everyone's just
like, uh, I can't get off andunless you, uh, unless you poop
(12:17):
on me, um and I do apologize tothe germans listening, I really
do.
It's a bit.
I'm gonna continue to work on.
It was the first bit I ever didin LA and my only stand-up in LA
.
Uh, fecal philia, you know,loving of shit, also known as
being a German.
That's my joke, okay, so anyway, I digress.
(12:39):
But the the real point is, Idon't want.
I don't want my kids watchingporn.
I mean, honestly, they're gonna, of course they're gonna.
They're gonna go to a friend'shouse at some point.
You know the protectivemechanisms are going to be off,
they're going to find a way, butthis was a bit early and I was,
I was concerned.
(13:00):
Um well, we ended up havingsome great conversations, but
really what ended up happeningwas my son, who had always, you
know, told me how huge I was.
Uh, I was taking a piss and hegoes dad, your dick is tiny, and
(13:20):
uh, and you know, I didn'treally know what to say.
I laughed and my feelings werenot hurt.
I'm on, remember, I made asolemn vow to be honest with you
guys.
My feelings were not hurt.
There was a little bit of awell, I guess that's over.
(13:44):
It was like the end of a book.
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away on
the shelf to never be read again.
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away in
the shelf to never be read again.
It's like there that goes, thebubble has been burst.
My son now knows that peoplehave absolute monsters.
Thank you so much for listening.
The way you can support thispodcast is by going to Jersey
(14:05):
Mike's and asking them to showyou their right deltoid when
they're slicing your meat.
Go, man, that's got to be hardwork.
Can I see your arm and see whatthey do?
I swear to God, they'llprobably give you a free bag of
chips or something.
They want to show you their arm.
I promise you, if you like thisepisode, folks, you know what
(14:27):
to do Absolutely nothing.
Don't leave a comment, don'tsubscribe, don't heart it, don't
tell anyone about it.
Keep it to yourself.
You need these secrets and youdon't want anyone to know what
you're listening to.
That's what this podcast does.
We value your privacy.
Don't leave any breadcrumbsabout your online behavior.
(14:50):
See you next week.
Welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton and I'mso excited to be transmitting
this podcast dead sober, for thefirst time in about three
months.
If the quality deteriorates,you know why.
If it goes up, you'll also knowwhy Some of you will have
differing opinions on this.
(00:20):
Let's get started on this.
Let's get started Today.
I just wanted to talk more aboutmy son, some things that
happened this summer that Ithink are going to be
incorporated into my stand-upact.
I will say this is probably notappropriate to share.
It is probably something thathe will be, something that he
(00:50):
will be mad at me for later inhis life, if not tomorrow.
It may affect him negatively inhis social life and his ability
to function as an adult in theworld.
It may negatively impact,rather, his ability to gain
employment and to get into goodschools and it could also
require me reporting to socialworkers.
(01:12):
But anything for the pod oh man, that's rubbish.
(01:47):
I got some new material for myson.
He's kind of like an engine.
I mean it's.
He's a really outspoken kid,really interesting, very, very
honest and open, and I like he'sgot an.
He's got an original take onthe world.
You know it's nuts.
I mean he's learning mostschool doesn't teach him shit,
so he's learning mostly fromyoutube.
So it's mostly just ridiculousfacts that you don't care about.
Like hey, dad, did you knowthat you can grow back a finger
(02:10):
if it gets cut off?
And I'm like, oh, that's justsounds like some YouTube
bullshit, louie.
And then he grabs my phone,looks it up and yes, he's
technically right.
If you young enough age, youlop off the tip of your finger
where there's still a little bitof nail nail bed, it will grow
back.
But anything below the knuckleand you're fucked.
(02:31):
And I told that I go, louie,anything below the knuckle is
you're screwed.
Stop with this stuff.
I don't want to hear about yourYouTube facts.
I do.
I do have a very directrelationship with him.
I think we've spent so muchtime together that we're kind of
like a bickering couple thatloves each other.
Or you know he's bless the boy.
(02:54):
He's never.
He's never annoyed when I'mlike, or he's never hurt
feelings.
So I'm like you're beingincredibly annoying, get away
from me, stop talking to me.
Like you're being incrediblyannoying, get away from me, stop
talking to me.
Nothing, no problem with that.
So I like it.
It's very freeing.
However, I do scream at him,like today.
(03:14):
I screamed at my son because Iwas hungry and I was tired and
it was the afternoon and I wasdoing some BS errand that I
shouldn't be doing for my kids,because we do too much for them
(03:37):
and they need to learn hardshipand we're not doing that.
Just kids who think that weshould spend an hour going to
storage to find the fall motifsfor the bedroom because it's
after Labor Day and it's nowtime to decorate for Halloween,
which is just absurd and I don'tlike it and I had to do it.
(04:01):
I did it and I hated myself fordoing it.
So what I did, when I hatemyself for doing it, is I take
it out on my boy and the kidjust has this very unfortunate
specific palate where hebasically eats a homemade
chicken noodle soup, eggowaffles, maybe an English muffin
(04:23):
here and there and then a tunafish sub from Jersey Mike's.
By the way, if you haven'ttried Jersey Mike's this episode
, they don't know it, but it issponsored by Jersey Mike's.
Jersey Mike's issingle-handedly.
There's only one in Maine,there's now two, but the first
(04:44):
Jersey Mike's in South Portland.
When I tasted their turkey withprovolone Mike's way, that was
the last time I ever evenconsidered going to Subway One
sandwich and I said I will neverdo a Subway again.
Poor Subway.
I don't even know how Subwaystill exists.
I don't see anyone eating inSubways anywhere but Jersey
(05:06):
Mike's.
I feel bad for the employees,their rear delts just grinding
the meat slicer all day.
It probably looks like RafaNadal.
If you guys watch tennis.
Nadal had the sleeveless shirtsand he kind of looked like one
of those crabs on the beach.
That's like walking all offkilter.
(05:28):
One claw is just giant.
Nadal was a lefty and his leftarm was.
I would say it was one and ahalf to two times bigger than
his right arm.
And that's what I imagine theJersey Mike's meat slicer.
When they rip off their shirtat night after a long day at
Jersey Mike's meat slicer, whenthey rip off their shirt at
night after a long day at JerseyMike's and take what's theirs
(05:49):
and make love to their partnerafter a long day, I imagine just
a bulging right deltoid, maybewith some tennis elbow or
golfer's elbow as well.
Just too much work on thoseligaments.
Anyway, back to my son and histuna fish sandwich.
I just for some reason thinktuna fish has too much mercury
(06:09):
in it.
If you eat it every day whenyou're going to like all of a
sudden have a kid who can't walkstraight, evidently mercury F's
up your balance, or he justturns into the Terminator from
T2 and just I had to throwliquid nitrogen on him, all
right, anyway.
So my boy asked for JerseyMike's.
He's whining about it and he'shad it like four times in the
(06:29):
last week and I'm like we're notgoing and I just lost it.
I just did my full monologue oflike your life is so good and I,
starting tonight, I'm making itreally bad.
So you know how good you had it.
And we're going to reset yourbrain.
We're doing no screens for amonth.
No, no jersey mics.
(06:52):
Nothing, nothing you like is isgoing to happen.
We're going to reset yourdopamine so that you just start
absolutely loving doing homework.
So the truth is, if you juststart absolutely loving doing
homework, the truth is, if youjust just for the same for us,
same for adults, like right nowI'm day two of no drinking.
(07:16):
Actually, that is why I lashedout at my son, I'm sure of it.
But no, we have got to stopdrinking.
It's after Labor Day.
I can't drink anymore.
That's why my addiction isbetter in this episode.
But you lash out at the boy.
(07:37):
You feel a little bad, but itdid the trick.
Let me tell you something.
This kid got home and he wascooperative.
He just sat there doing hishomework.
He never asked to do TV, heshot hoops by himself.
And for those parents out there, you know it, sometimes losing
your shit like an 80s alcoholicdad is exactly what you need to
(08:00):
do to get your spoiled ass kidsin line.
Get it together.
That's one of my favorite lines.
Pull it together right now.
Oh man, anyway.
So I'm gonna work on this bit.
(08:21):
I think it's great.
You know my if, for those whohave listened, I've got a a bit
I'm working, working on about myson just being so direct and so
open.
I'm watching golf and he's likeDad, have you ever masturbated?
It's just out of nowhere.
I'm not going to get into thatbit now, but there's something
(08:45):
I'm going to add to it.
The story basically goes likethis my son is always you know
we're very open.
He loves to be naked.
You know I'm naked.
You know shower there's no,there's no hiding anything and
he's just always been verywondered, you know, and hoped
(09:06):
and prayed in a certain extentthat his dick would be as big as
mine.
And then the other day wediscovered that he had googled
penis, vagina, boobs and sex andtits, I believe were his words
(09:34):
that he had Googled.
And this kid, he was in hisroom way too long.
Our spidey senses went up andsure enough, he came clean.
He felt like he was very fullof shame.
He thought he had donesomething unforgivable.
And while I just want to make anannouncement, I am strongly
(09:59):
against, uh, pornographicmaterial for 11 year olds, uh.
But if I were to be honestabout my own past, my very dear
friend George, up here in Mainein the summer his older brother,
we'll call him L Hart they hada terrific collection of
(10:20):
penthouse and hustlers in theirattic and I remember being 11
years old maybe 10, 11, and justabsolutely being stunned and
mesmerized by the pictures I wasseeing in hustlers and
penthouses.
Now, of course there wasn'tfull penetration, if you will,
(10:45):
in those days, but still it justseems so mysterious and
intimidating and exciting.
So very natural, of course, noshame, but I don't think it's
particularly good for anyone'sreal brain to be hammering
themselves with pornographicmaterial and my wife is strongly
(11:11):
against it only because sex isso wonderful.
And the fear is that you know,what happens is kind of what I
was recognizing when I was abachelor in LA, where all of a
sudden it was just like peoplewere like, okay, yeah, like I
got into eating ass or something.
(11:31):
It's like when did in the 90s,there wasn't a ton of ass eating
and then all of a sudden it wasjust like everyone wanted to
eat ass.
And I don't want anyone, Iwouldn't do that to my worst
enemy, meaning myself, meaningmyself, but it just seems.
(11:53):
Seems like ass eating is justthe equivalent of mish
missionary position from the 90s, just like goes with the
territory and I just think thatthat's obviously.
Things have just gone haywirebecause everyone's watching so
much damn pornography and I'mjust glad that the german porn
hasn't taken hold you know whatI mean where everyone's just
like, uh, I can't get off andunless you, uh, unless you poop
(12:17):
on me, um and I do apologize tothe germans listening, I really
do.
It's a bit.
I'm gonna continue to work on.
It was the first bit I ever didin LA and my only stand-up in LA
.
Uh, fecal philia, you know,loving of shit, also known as
being a German.
That's my joke, okay, so anyway, I digress.
(12:39):
But the the real point is, Idon't want.
I don't want my kids watchingporn.
I mean, honestly, they're gonna, of course they're gonna.
They're gonna go to a friend'shouse at some point.
You know the protectivemechanisms are going to be off,
they're going to find a way, butthis was a bit early and I was,
I was concerned.
(13:00):
Um well, we ended up havingsome great conversations, but
really what ended up happeningwas my son, who had always, you
know, told me how huge I was.
Uh, I was taking a piss and hegoes dad, your dick is tiny, and
(13:20):
uh, and you know, I didn'treally know what to say.
I laughed and my feelings werenot hurt.
I'm on, remember, I made asolemn vow to be honest with you
guys.
My feelings were not hurt.
There was a little bit of awell, I guess that's over.
(13:44):
It was like the end of a book.
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away on
the shelf to never be read again.
It's like closing the hardcover, just putting a book away in
the shelf to never be read again.
It's like there that goes, thebubble has been burst.
My son now knows that peoplehave absolute monsters.
Thank you so much for listening.
The way you can support thispodcast is by going to Jersey
(14:05):
Mike's and asking them to showyou their right deltoid when
they're slicing your meat.
Go, man, that's got to be hardwork.
Can I see your arm and see whatthey do?
I swear to God, they'llprobably give you a free bag of
chips or something.
They want to show you their arm.
I promise you, if you like thisepisode, folks, you know what
(14:27):
to do Absolutely nothing.
Don't leave a comment, don'tsubscribe, don't heart it, don't
tell anyone about it.
Keep it to yourself.
You need these secrets and youdon't want anyone to know what
you're listening to.
That's what this podcast does.
We value your privacy.
Don't leave any breadcrumbsabout your online behavior.
(14:50):
See you next week.
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