September 18, 2025 • 23 mins
I try a CIA-style trick to make people spill without asking a single question (and immediately botch it on my kid). I answer five actually-good questions so you can decide if you like me or have had enough. We get honest about journals as future family landmines, mushrooms/Zen and not caring what you think, the first laugh that ruined me at age six, and whether everyone’s quietly miserable (ask their spouse). Also: cocktail party questions that’ll get you uninvited, the gym’s… ambitious leggings trend, and a calorie-torching position I’m absolutely not doing.
If something makes you snort, tell me—that’s what stays. If it doesn’t, it dies. Press play and let’s find the 1% worth keeping.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton.
I am thrilled, genuinelythrilled, that you've given this
a chance and I know you've gota lot of things to do today.
I hope you're having a nicewalk or a drive, or maybe a
little elliptical, a recumbent.
Maybe you're on the recumbent.
Wherever you are listeningright now, I wish you tremendous
(00:23):
joy, safety, peace andadventure.
In the meantime, I've got anepisode that I'm happy about,
honestly.
We explored some different areasand here they are.
If you stick around, we'regoing to go with the five best
questions to get to know someonewhich I discovered and answered
(00:45):
, so you can get to know me alittle bit better and I hope one
day to get to ask these samequestions of you.
Second, journal discoveryconcerns A little overshare in
journals.
How are your journals?
Are your journals safe?
How would you feel if somethingtragic were to happen to you
and your children found them?
(01:06):
How does that make you feel?
Then we're going to go unusualcocktail party questions.
I think we all can sort of feellike cocktail parties are
landminey and we usually have toget drunk to feel comfortable,
and these are some questionsthat will make it even more
uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable, and these aresome questions that will make it
(01:27):
even more uncomfortable.
And then I learned a CIAinformation extraction technique
that I think you'll be veryexcited about.
It's a way of getting people totalk and tell you things that
you want to know and you neverhave to ask a question.
And then, finally, just theepidemic of anus leggings,
please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(02:06):
That's rubbish.
So I just asked perplexity,which is my ai of choice, but
basically it's chat, gbt, I mean, or it can use them all.
Uh, I asked it what are thefive best questions to get to
know someone quickly?
So I thought in this podcastepisode I would answer these
(02:30):
questions, because it's muchmore fun to listen to somebody.
If you know them a little bit,you know what I mean.
First question how do I like tospend my free time?
Very simple Meditation, friends, backgammon, tennis, lovemaking
(02:51):
kids, watching sports, cooking,doing drugs, traveling, meeting
new people, lifting, reading.
Second question what's the bestmoment or memory that shaped
who you are?
I don't know who I am.
Everything shaped me.
I think that's a shit question.
Let me take that back.
(03:13):
I would say my first laugh, myfirst crowd laugh, six years old
church kids service in summerhere in Maine.
They always do this beautifulthing.
Where they do us, they do thegospel, but they they let the
kids come up and act it out.
And I was a fisherman pullingin a net of fish.
(03:35):
I don't know what gospel it is,I'm not, I don't know my bible,
but the minister asked he goes.
It was really hard to pull thefish in and I remember just
being like, oh, it was hard, andI just made this face like I
was pulling the hardest thing inthe world and the whole place
went berserk and I think I gotaddicted to that at age six.
(04:00):
I felt like that is the bestfeeling.
I've been chasing it ever since.
Third question when do I feelthe most like myself?
Honestly, probably on mushrooms.
Certain alcohol buzzes Combinedwith some mushrooms, because
(04:22):
I'm sharp, I'm still capable ofspeaking well and having
intelligent conversation, butthere's a sort of a love and
there's an unblocked enjoyment.
What is it?
I think it's when I'm the mostunconcerned with what anyone's
(04:42):
thinking of me and therefore Ican be exactly what I want to be
, and usually that's some sortof combination of very loving,
mischievous and horny.
Fourth question what am Ipassionate about right now and
why?
I am passionate about Zen,buddhism.
(05:06):
It's all I think about and wantto do, to the point where I'm
not responding to friends.
I haven't responded to a textin like a week.
I meditated for like three anda half hours.
Today I'm beginning to thinkthis is an avoidant behavior,
like there's just shit I don'twant to do in life right now
(05:28):
because of a mood or whatever,and so, when in doubt, meditate.
So the why about why I'm doingit is up in the air.
I can't tell you why.
Whatever my why is, you shouldbe very skeptical of.
Whatever my why is you shouldbe very skeptical of.
(05:53):
But what I am passionate aboutis meditating through the Way
app by Henry Schuchman.
The Way is a relatively newmeditation app that is a single
path.
There are no choices.
There's no like today I'msleepy, I'm going to meditate on
that, or today I'm anxious.
You are on the path, there isone meditation and you only can
(06:15):
get to the next meditation bycompleting that one.
I love it.
I think it's incrediblypowerful.
I've got no skin in the game,but if you have ever thought
about meditating and want tojust finally do it, this is the
app for you.
(06:35):
Good luck.
Final, fifth question whatdrives me to do what I do?
I think ultimately I just wantto be extraordinary, I don't
know how else to put it.
A fear of being ordinary drivesme to do what I do?
I think I'm not sure.
Put a pin in that one, a littleasterisk.
(06:57):
I just went through almost fouryears of the notes app on my
phone which I hadn't done.
I'm not a go back in time kindof person.
I'm starting to worry a littlebit if something were to, if
fate were to intervene and Iwere to no longer be on this
earth and people were to gothrough my digital breadcrumbs
(07:23):
or my journal, my extensivejournals.
I haven't been journaling for anumber of years now, but I used
to sort of in that early 2010skind of my late 20s, 30s I was
doing like 30 minutes of streamof conscious writing, which are
all saved.
And it's very strange, as myfather ends or, you know, nears
(07:47):
the end of his life both myparents, you know.
If I were to discover, uh, astream of consciousness journal
from his 30s and leaf through itand open a page, and it's just
like some sort of like sexualfantasy, that's.
I remember my sort of likesexual fantasy.
I remember my stream ofconsciousness.
(08:08):
They would be like they wouldalways start with some sort of
worry, and I hate to say it, butit would eventually.
You know it's early in themorning, you're tired, you're
grumpy, you're hungry.
You don't know why you madethis commitment to doing 30
minutes of stream ofconsciousness.
The only way to make yourselffeel better is to get charged up
.
So I would end up starting toimagine all my dreams for my
(08:34):
wife as far as sexually, because, at the end of the day, you
know I there's things I want todo, you know there's things I
want to do that I still haven'tdone.
And so, ultimately, the journalbecame the journal.
A lot of it is just mefantasizing, and so this is a
(09:00):
problem because I, honestly, Ikind of know where the journal
is.
This is a problem because I,honestly, I kind of know where
the journal is, but I kind ofdon't.
And if something tragic were tohappen to me and my son lived
through these things, I worry.
I just worry about the impactit would have on the rest of his
life.
You know, you know what I'mtalking about.
Anyone else?
(09:20):
Okay, all right, whatever, man,it's time to get this shit
together.
But anyway, um, I think I'veoverdone it.
You know, because, really, whoare we?
You know if you, if yourjournal is a real, true,
unfiltered stream ofconsciousness, it's not really
(09:41):
who you are.
It's what the inner radio isplaying, and you know who are
you.
Are you your inner radio?
Of course you're not.
If you were your inner radio,you'd be arrested.
I know what you're thinkingYou're a pervert.
You're a murderous pervert.
I know what you're thinking ina checkout line when you're
(10:04):
hungry and impatient You're amurderous person and you're
probably also a pervert.
My favorite thing well, it's notmy favorite thing, but I have
this weirdly reoccurring ideawhere anytime I'm in like a
corporate setting or like asacred setting, like a church,
(10:26):
it's always.
I always wonder like if, ifpeople had a, a little sign
above their head, like floating,like an augmented, you know
virtual reality, and it was justlike their favorite sexual
position.
You know, like this idea thatwe're all pretending to be
pulled together is, is, is, isendlessly funny to me.
(10:49):
It's just endlessly funny thatpeople think that they're
presenting in a professional way, you know, I mean like maybe
it's because I'm a clinton, likeI was in high school during
clinton, but like the man givinglike somber State of the Union
speeches where the augmentedreality above his head is like
(11:10):
cigar in pussy.
That's his favorite sexual act.
And I love Bill, I mean Bill'sgreat Kevin Spacey, you know,
just like giving a graduationspeech pre-scandal and just
(11:31):
flashing, just like I'm notgoing to even say what Spacey's
flashing, like the 62-year-oldin accounting, just favorite
sexual positions, just floatingabove everybody's head as they
walk through these officecorridors.
You know, eugenia from Eugenia,that's an old-fashioned name
(11:59):
Like Nancy, nancy's like kind ofa cute and a rotund
grandmotherly presence.
She's been in accounting sincethe 70s and it's just like, as
she's at the water cooler, youjust turn the corner and above
her head floating and have adigital augmented reality, just
(12:22):
says reverse cow girl becausethat's her favorite position.
You never know that and that'snot even perverted, but it's
just like.
Let's be honest, for an 85% ofthe population, sex is
definitely the best thing.
You know, there's a bunch ofasexual people out there, but
(12:43):
for people who like it and wantit and really enjoy it I mean
there was this great articleentitled.
It was the good old New YorkPost and it said which sex
positions burn the most calories, from doggy style to the butter
churner and I was like thebutter churner and I didn't
(13:04):
realize what it was.
But the butter churner, I mean,and I wonder how many people
Would be have butter churnerfloating above their head.
I know what I'd have floatingabove my head Mish only, 100%
mish.
I don't like to, I don't liketo mix it up.
Uh um, the butter churner is ahell of a workout.
(13:40):
It's essentially for those thatdon't.
The butter churner, the receiver, so the lady in a heterosexual
couple.
The lady's on her back andreally only her shoulders are on
the floor and the rest of heris fully propped up by the man
who is standing and squatting,squatting, squatting down to
(14:10):
penetrate with with his partner,almost vertical.
You know, if you're six footfour and you're butter churning,
your face is about five feetaway from your partners and you
are getting a terrific calorieburn.
I mean mean probably 100calories every 10 minutes,
sweating, dripping, sweat down.
I'd be shocked if anyone'sbutter churned for more than a
(14:34):
minute.
Honestly, if you do it morethan a minute, then you're like
an MMA fighter.
Oh fuck, my cat just enteredwith a mouse in its.
Hey, giuseppe, no, no, oh,nouseppe, no, no, oh, no, ah,
fuck.
What was I saying?
The big question I have rightnow is is everybody miserable?
(14:56):
And I think the answer is yes.
I think I think you'd have toask spouses how happy people are
.
They're the only people thatcan really give you an honest
answer.
And can you imagine going up toa cocktail party and being like
(15:18):
hello, uh, kate.
You know, I've been looking atRichard.
Richard's such a fun guy.
He's great.
He's got so much good energy.
Is he happy in the homeCocktail party questions?
I got one from a friend's dad.
It was like minute two of kindof a cocktail party scene.
(15:38):
He goes David.
He's a guy I grew up with.
I've known him my whole life.
He's like David, how's yourmarriage?
How's your marriage?
It was the first time anyonehas ever asked me that he's like
75, not giving any fucks.
He's had a couple absolutes andI just laughed so hard.
(16:01):
I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just
looking for more.
I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just
looking for more.
I'm like, yeah, I'm definitelynot going to get into the
incredibly 100 by 100 foottapestry that is a 15 year
marriage in this setting, but Ireally respect the question and
(16:28):
so it got me thinking of, likewhat are the questions you could
ask sort of lightly at acocktail party and just pick up
any of your spouse's you knowevery friend spouses and be like
, is Simon happy early in thecocktail party?
No, but no really is.
(16:49):
He seems happy here, he's thelife of the party, but is he
happy?
And just kind of look, looksuspicious and skeptical, see
what happens.
There's a video that I juststumbled on that's got me
thinking a lot.
It was by one of these kind ofCIA investigators, someone who
(17:09):
specializes in extractinginformation.
I think he was a spy.
He was on one of those podcaststelling about the techniques,
like the spy techniques, and itwas really interesting because
you basically gather informationby never asking questions.
And the example he used isbasically like you get in an
(17:30):
Uber and you're like I read anarticle that Uber drivers are
the happiest workers of all theservice industries, uber drivers
have the best sort of jobsatisfaction and you just make
this statement that's clearly Imean clearly not going to be
true.
(17:50):
But the person will begin tofight the statement because they
don't, they know it's not true.
So anytime someone hearssomething that's not true.
They're going to prove how theyknow why it's not true.
So you just start makingstatements instead of questions.
I tried it on my son and I go.
(18:11):
I hear you were a lot better inthe second basketball tryout.
They had two basketball tryoutslike back-to-back Sundays.
I heard you were a lot betterin the second basketball tryout.
Just to see if you would justopen up about what really
happened.
And God bless the boy, he goes.
Who told you that?
And I go?
(18:31):
Oh fuck, because I really don'tlie.
So I go.
I think I may have dreamed it,which I think is a lie.
So I fucked that up because Iknew I didn't dream it.
I was doing a technique from apodcast and I should have just
said no, I'm just doing atechnique from a podcast that
was basketball.
How was it?
Instead, I said I think Idreamed it, which is a lie
(18:52):
because I knew I didn't dream it.
So there we go.
I gotta reset the clock time tolast lie.
Um, damn it.
Anyway, he called me on it,which I respected.
He just goes.
No, he said he goes.
Who told you that?
And I go?
I dreamed he goes, you're lying.
I was like fuck man, you'regood, you're going to be in CIA.
(19:15):
I go to the gym.
I go to this gym called Foley'sFitness.
It's in Scarborough, maine,beautiful gym, super high
ceilings, 50 feet.
They got about nine squat racks.
You can do everything there.
They've got a AstroTurf areayou can do like push sleds.
It looks like a really seriousabout building a physique or
getting strong is there insouthern Maine and what that
(19:51):
really means is that it's a tonof dudes and women just trying
to get their bodies into thekind of shape where they can
fuck.
Get their bodies into the kindof shape where they can fuck.
I mean the amount of ass workthat's going on in the modern
day gym.
I would say that almost everydude and woman there's women
(20:15):
that every time I see them theonly thing they're doing is
building an ass.
Just the hip thrust, the singleleg cable, uh, just tiny little
movements, the hips and they'rewearing these things.
Of course, we've probably beenover this, but there is now a
(20:36):
spandex.
It's been around, I think, anumber of years.
I haven't.
I don't think I've talked aboutit yet, but it's like like it's
extraordinary.
I mean, what's happening isessentially they're trying to
make a pant look like an anus.
So they're taking the folds ofa legging and they're bunching
(20:57):
it in the crack.
So already you have a leggingthat will basically move.
If you are a female with alarge butt and I say large in a
positive, you know like apowerful ass, you're going to
have some distance between theouter edge of your cheek and
(21:18):
your anus.
Let's call it a hand length,maybe seven inches, maybe let's
call it a hand length, maybeseven inches.
And what they've done is wherethe fabric goes towards the anus
.
Instead of, you know, insteadof hiding the anus, what they're
doing is making the whole asscrack, look like an anus, like
(21:39):
wrinkles, like it kind of lookslike a long raisin, and it's
obviously intentional.
And it's amazing to me how manypeople are just like fuck it.
Yeah, like I'm gonna get theleggings that that throw out
anus vibes, okay.
Well, that's it for the episode.
You know, look, I understand,I'm self-aware, I know there's
(22:01):
some things in there that werepretty bad, pretty in poor taste
, not funny, but that's thewhole point.
That's the whole point ofstarting stand-up.
You got to throw out 95, 99% ofstuff, but occasionally you get
something good.
So if something tickled you,please let me know, because
(22:21):
ultimately, that's what willstay into the stand-up set and
that's what I'll use.
So, if anything got you Reallygot you no, blowing sunshine up
my ass, that's the game here.
That's the game.
That's what we're doing.
So we're doing it together andI thank you.
I really do.
It's super fun If you enjoyedthis episode.
If it was super fun If youenjoyed this episode.
(22:42):
If you want to get someone elseinvolved with this, send it to
them.
Or I'm not going to beg oranything like that.
I'm not desperate, but it doesseem like, if you ask people to
do these things, at the end thatyou remind them that it's
meaningful to you, and it ismeaningful.
It's the way you grow.
It's just the way it is.
It's hard to get attention outthere, and the fact that I've
(23:03):
kept yours for over 20 minutesif you're still here is honestly
a fucking miracle.
And so I love you.
I really do.
I genuinely love you.
Hi, welcome to Starting Stand-Up.
My name is David Walton.
I am thrilled, genuinelythrilled, that you've given this
a chance and I know you've gota lot of things to do today.
I hope you're having a nicewalk or a drive, or maybe a
little elliptical, a recumbent.
Maybe you're on the recumbent.
Wherever you are listeningright now, I wish you tremendous
(00:23):
joy, safety, peace andadventure.
In the meantime, I've got anepisode that I'm happy about,
honestly.
We explored some different areasand here they are.
If you stick around, we'regoing to go with the five best
questions to get to know someonewhich I discovered and answered
(00:45):
, so you can get to know me alittle bit better and I hope one
day to get to ask these samequestions of you.
Second, journal discoveryconcerns A little overshare in
journals.
How are your journals?
Are your journals safe?
How would you feel if somethingtragic were to happen to you
and your children found them?
(01:06):
How does that make you feel?
Then we're going to go unusualcocktail party questions.
I think we all can sort of feellike cocktail parties are
landminey and we usually have toget drunk to feel comfortable,
and these are some questionsthat will make it even more
uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable, and these aresome questions that will make it
(01:27):
even more uncomfortable.
And then I learned a CIAinformation extraction technique
that I think you'll be veryexcited about.
It's a way of getting people totalk and tell you things that
you want to know and you neverhave to ask a question.
And then, finally, just theepidemic of anus leggings,
please enjoy.
Oh man, that's rubbish.
(02:06):
That's rubbish.
So I just asked perplexity,which is my ai of choice, but
basically it's chat, gbt, I mean, or it can use them all.
Uh, I asked it what are thefive best questions to get to
know someone quickly?
So I thought in this podcastepisode I would answer these
(02:30):
questions, because it's muchmore fun to listen to somebody.
If you know them a little bit,you know what I mean.
First question how do I like tospend my free time?
Very simple Meditation, friends, backgammon, tennis, lovemaking
(02:51):
kids, watching sports, cooking,doing drugs, traveling, meeting
new people, lifting, reading.
Second question what's the bestmoment or memory that shaped
who you are?
I don't know who I am.
Everything shaped me.
I think that's a shit question.
Let me take that back.
(03:13):
I would say my first laugh, myfirst crowd laugh, six years old
church kids service in summerhere in Maine.
They always do this beautifulthing.
Where they do us, they do thegospel, but they they let the
kids come up and act it out.
And I was a fisherman pullingin a net of fish.
(03:35):
I don't know what gospel it is,I'm not, I don't know my bible,
but the minister asked he goes.
It was really hard to pull thefish in and I remember just
being like, oh, it was hard, andI just made this face like I
was pulling the hardest thing inthe world and the whole place
went berserk and I think I gotaddicted to that at age six.
(04:00):
I felt like that is the bestfeeling.
I've been chasing it ever since.
Third question when do I feelthe most like myself?
Honestly, probably on mushrooms.
Certain alcohol buzzes Combinedwith some mushrooms, because
(04:22):
I'm sharp, I'm still capable ofspeaking well and having
intelligent conversation, butthere's a sort of a love and
there's an unblocked enjoyment.
What is it?
I think it's when I'm the mostunconcerned with what anyone's
(04:42):
thinking of me and therefore Ican be exactly what I want to be
, and usually that's some sortof combination of very loving,
mischievous and horny.
Fourth question what am Ipassionate about right now and
why?
I am passionate about Zen,buddhism.
(05:06):
It's all I think about and wantto do, to the point where I'm
not responding to friends.
I haven't responded to a textin like a week.
I meditated for like three anda half hours.
Today I'm beginning to thinkthis is an avoidant behavior,
like there's just shit I don'twant to do in life right now
(05:28):
because of a mood or whatever,and so, when in doubt, meditate.
So the why about why I'm doingit is up in the air.
I can't tell you why.
Whatever my why is, you shouldbe very skeptical of.
Whatever my why is you shouldbe very skeptical of.
(05:53):
But what I am passionate aboutis meditating through the Way
app by Henry Schuchman.
The Way is a relatively newmeditation app that is a single
path.
There are no choices.
There's no like today I'msleepy, I'm going to meditate on
that, or today I'm anxious.
You are on the path, there isone meditation and you only can
(06:15):
get to the next meditation bycompleting that one.
I love it.
I think it's incrediblypowerful.
I've got no skin in the game,but if you have ever thought
about meditating and want tojust finally do it, this is the
app for you.
(06:35):
Good luck.
Final, fifth question whatdrives me to do what I do?
I think ultimately I just wantto be extraordinary, I don't
know how else to put it.
A fear of being ordinary drivesme to do what I do?
I think I'm not sure.
Put a pin in that one, a littleasterisk.
(06:57):
I just went through almost fouryears of the notes app on my
phone which I hadn't done.
I'm not a go back in time kindof person.
I'm starting to worry a littlebit if something were to, if
fate were to intervene and Iwere to no longer be on this
earth and people were to gothrough my digital breadcrumbs
(07:23):
or my journal, my extensivejournals.
I haven't been journaling for anumber of years now, but I used
to sort of in that early 2010skind of my late 20s, 30s I was
doing like 30 minutes of streamof conscious writing, which are
all saved.
And it's very strange, as myfather ends or, you know, nears
(07:47):
the end of his life both myparents, you know.
If I were to discover, uh, astream of consciousness journal
from his 30s and leaf through itand open a page, and it's just
like some sort of like sexualfantasy, that's.
I remember my sort of likesexual fantasy.
I remember my stream ofconsciousness.
(08:08):
They would be like they wouldalways start with some sort of
worry, and I hate to say it, butit would eventually.
You know it's early in themorning, you're tired, you're
grumpy, you're hungry.
You don't know why you madethis commitment to doing 30
minutes of stream ofconsciousness.
The only way to make yourselffeel better is to get charged up
.
So I would end up starting toimagine all my dreams for my
(08:34):
wife as far as sexually, because, at the end of the day, you
know I there's things I want todo, you know there's things I
want to do that I still haven'tdone.
And so, ultimately, the journalbecame the journal.
A lot of it is just mefantasizing, and so this is a
(09:00):
problem because I, honestly, Ikind of know where the journal
is.
This is a problem because I,honestly, I kind of know where
the journal is, but I kind ofdon't.
And if something tragic were tohappen to me and my son lived
through these things, I worry.
I just worry about the impactit would have on the rest of his
life.
You know, you know what I'mtalking about.
Anyone else?
(09:20):
Okay, all right, whatever, man,it's time to get this shit
together.
But anyway, um, I think I'veoverdone it.
You know, because, really, whoare we?
You know if you, if yourjournal is a real, true,
unfiltered stream ofconsciousness, it's not really
(09:41):
who you are.
It's what the inner radio isplaying, and you know who are
you.
Are you your inner radio?
Of course you're not.
If you were your inner radio,you'd be arrested.
I know what you're thinkingYou're a pervert.
You're a murderous pervert.
I know what you're thinking ina checkout line when you're
(10:04):
hungry and impatient You're amurderous person and you're
probably also a pervert.
My favorite thing well, it's notmy favorite thing, but I have
this weirdly reoccurring ideawhere anytime I'm in like a
corporate setting or like asacred setting, like a church,
(10:26):
it's always.
I always wonder like if, ifpeople had a, a little sign
above their head, like floating,like an augmented, you know
virtual reality, and it was justlike their favorite sexual
position.
You know, like this idea thatwe're all pretending to be
pulled together is, is, is, isendlessly funny to me.
(10:49):
It's just endlessly funny thatpeople think that they're
presenting in a professional way, you know, I mean like maybe
it's because I'm a clinton, likeI was in high school during
clinton, but like the man givinglike somber State of the Union
speeches where the augmentedreality above his head is like
(11:10):
cigar in pussy.
That's his favorite sexual act.
And I love Bill, I mean Bill'sgreat Kevin Spacey, you know,
just like giving a graduationspeech pre-scandal and just
(11:31):
flashing, just like I'm notgoing to even say what Spacey's
flashing, like the 62-year-oldin accounting, just favorite
sexual positions, just floatingabove everybody's head as they
walk through these officecorridors.
You know, eugenia from Eugenia,that's an old-fashioned name
(11:59):
Like Nancy, nancy's like kind ofa cute and a rotund
grandmotherly presence.
She's been in accounting sincethe 70s and it's just like, as
she's at the water cooler, youjust turn the corner and above
her head floating and have adigital augmented reality, just
(12:22):
says reverse cow girl becausethat's her favorite position.
You never know that and that'snot even perverted, but it's
just like.
Let's be honest, for an 85% ofthe population, sex is
definitely the best thing.
You know, there's a bunch ofasexual people out there, but
(12:43):
for people who like it and wantit and really enjoy it I mean
there was this great articleentitled.
It was the good old New YorkPost and it said which sex
positions burn the most calories, from doggy style to the butter
churner and I was like thebutter churner and I didn't
(13:04):
realize what it was.
But the butter churner, I mean,and I wonder how many people
Would be have butter churnerfloating above their head.
I know what I'd have floatingabove my head Mish only, 100%
mish.
I don't like to, I don't liketo mix it up.
Uh um, the butter churner is ahell of a workout.
(13:40):
It's essentially for those thatdon't.
The butter churner, the receiver, so the lady in a heterosexual
couple.
The lady's on her back andreally only her shoulders are on
the floor and the rest of heris fully propped up by the man
who is standing and squatting,squatting, squatting down to
(14:10):
penetrate with with his partner,almost vertical.
You know, if you're six footfour and you're butter churning,
your face is about five feetaway from your partners and you
are getting a terrific calorieburn.
I mean mean probably 100calories every 10 minutes,
sweating, dripping, sweat down.
I'd be shocked if anyone'sbutter churned for more than a
(14:34):
minute.
Honestly, if you do it morethan a minute, then you're like
an MMA fighter.
Oh fuck, my cat just enteredwith a mouse in its.
Hey, giuseppe, no, no, oh,nouseppe, no, no, oh, no, ah,
fuck.
What was I saying?
The big question I have rightnow is is everybody miserable?
(14:56):
And I think the answer is yes.
I think I think you'd have toask spouses how happy people are
.
They're the only people thatcan really give you an honest
answer.
And can you imagine going up toa cocktail party and being like
(15:18):
hello, uh, kate.
You know, I've been looking atRichard.
Richard's such a fun guy.
He's great.
He's got so much good energy.
Is he happy in the homeCocktail party questions?
I got one from a friend's dad.
It was like minute two of kindof a cocktail party scene.
(15:38):
He goes David.
He's a guy I grew up with.
I've known him my whole life.
He's like David, how's yourmarriage?
How's your marriage?
It was the first time anyonehas ever asked me that he's like
75, not giving any fucks.
He's had a couple absolutes andI just laughed so hard.
(16:01):
I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just
looking for more.
I was like it's good, it's good, and he's like he's just
looking for more.
I'm like, yeah, I'm definitelynot going to get into the
incredibly 100 by 100 foottapestry that is a 15 year
marriage in this setting, but Ireally respect the question and
(16:28):
so it got me thinking of, likewhat are the questions you could
ask sort of lightly at acocktail party and just pick up
any of your spouse's you knowevery friend spouses and be like
, is Simon happy early in thecocktail party?
No, but no really is.
(16:49):
He seems happy here, he's thelife of the party, but is he
happy?
And just kind of look, looksuspicious and skeptical, see
what happens.
There's a video that I juststumbled on that's got me
thinking a lot.
It was by one of these kind ofCIA investigators, someone who
(17:09):
specializes in extractinginformation.
I think he was a spy.
He was on one of those podcaststelling about the techniques,
like the spy techniques, and itwas really interesting because
you basically gather informationby never asking questions.
And the example he used isbasically like you get in an
(17:30):
Uber and you're like I read anarticle that Uber drivers are
the happiest workers of all theservice industries, uber drivers
have the best sort of jobsatisfaction and you just make
this statement that's clearly Imean clearly not going to be
true.
(17:50):
But the person will begin tofight the statement because they
don't, they know it's not true.
So anytime someone hearssomething that's not true.
They're going to prove how theyknow why it's not true.
So you just start makingstatements instead of questions.
I tried it on my son and I go.
(18:11):
I hear you were a lot better inthe second basketball tryout.
They had two basketball tryoutslike back-to-back Sundays.
I heard you were a lot betterin the second basketball tryout.
Just to see if you would justopen up about what really
happened.
And God bless the boy, he goes.
Who told you that?
And I go?
(18:31):
Oh fuck, because I really don'tlie.
So I go.
I think I may have dreamed it,which I think is a lie.
So I fucked that up because Iknew I didn't dream it.
I was doing a technique from apodcast and I should have just
said no, I'm just doing atechnique from a podcast that
was basketball.
How was it?
Instead, I said I think Idreamed it, which is a lie
(18:52):
because I knew I didn't dream it.
So there we go.
I gotta reset the clock time tolast lie.
Um, damn it.
Anyway, he called me on it,which I respected.
He just goes.
No, he said he goes.
Who told you that?
And I go?
I dreamed he goes, you're lying.
I was like fuck man, you'regood, you're going to be in CIA.
(19:15):
I go to the gym.
I go to this gym called Foley'sFitness.
It's in Scarborough, maine,beautiful gym, super high
ceilings, 50 feet.
They got about nine squat racks.
You can do everything there.
They've got a AstroTurf areayou can do like push sleds.
It looks like a really seriousabout building a physique or
getting strong is there insouthern Maine and what that
(19:51):
really means is that it's a tonof dudes and women just trying
to get their bodies into thekind of shape where they can
fuck.
Get their bodies into the kindof shape where they can fuck.
I mean the amount of ass workthat's going on in the modern
day gym.
I would say that almost everydude and woman there's women
(20:15):
that every time I see them theonly thing they're doing is
building an ass.
Just the hip thrust, the singleleg cable, uh, just tiny little
movements, the hips and they'rewearing these things.
Of course, we've probably beenover this, but there is now a
(20:36):
spandex.
It's been around, I think, anumber of years.
I haven't.
I don't think I've talked aboutit yet, but it's like like it's
extraordinary.
I mean, what's happening isessentially they're trying to
make a pant look like an anus.
So they're taking the folds ofa legging and they're bunching
(20:57):
it in the crack.
So already you have a leggingthat will basically move.
If you are a female with alarge butt and I say large in a
positive, you know like apowerful ass, you're going to
have some distance between theouter edge of your cheek and
(21:18):
your anus.
Let's call it a hand length,maybe seven inches, maybe let's
call it a hand length, maybeseven inches.
And what they've done is wherethe fabric goes towards the anus
.
Instead of, you know, insteadof hiding the anus, what they're
doing is making the whole asscrack, look like an anus, like
(21:39):
wrinkles, like it kind of lookslike a long raisin, and it's
obviously intentional.
And it's amazing to me how manypeople are just like fuck it.
Yeah, like I'm gonna get theleggings that that throw out
anus vibes, okay.
Well, that's it for the episode.
You know, look, I understand,I'm self-aware, I know there's
(22:01):
some things in there that werepretty bad, pretty in poor taste
, not funny, but that's thewhole point.
That's the whole point ofstarting stand-up.
You got to throw out 95, 99% ofstuff, but occasionally you get
something good.
So if something tickled you,please let me know, because
(22:21):
ultimately, that's what willstay into the stand-up set and
that's what I'll use.
So, if anything got you Reallygot you no, blowing sunshine up
my ass, that's the game here.
That's the game.
That's what we're doing.
So we're doing it together andI thank you.
I really do.
It's super fun If you enjoyedthis episode.
If it was super fun If youenjoyed this episode.
(22:42):
If you want to get someone elseinvolved with this, send it to
them.
Or I'm not going to beg oranything like that.
I'm not desperate, but it doesseem like, if you ask people to
do these things, at the end thatyou remind them that it's
meaningful to you, and it ismeaningful.
It's the way you grow.
It's just the way it is.
It's hard to get attention outthere, and the fact that I've
(23:03):
kept yours for over 20 minutesif you're still here is honestly
a fucking miracle.
And so I love you.
I really do.
I genuinely love you.
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