October 2, 2025 • 24 mins
A dad's trip to three agricultural fairs spirals into chaos when his family impulse-buys three male rabbits with surprisingly prominent anatomy. Join comedian David Walton as he navigates ragweed season, questionable parenting decisions, and his new fears about coaching sixth-grade basketball. Plus, unexpected insights into draft horse aesthetics and the lost era of Quaaludes.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hi, welcome to Starting Stand Up.
My name is David Walton.
I've got an incredible show foryou today.
This is a response to a lot ofquestions I've been getting from
fans and from listeners.
A lot of people have beenwanting to know about the main
agricultural fair season.
My thoughts on bestiality, somequestions about inflation, and
my thoughts on rabbits andcoaching sixth grade basketball.
(00:23):
A lot of questions about that.
And then finally, some thoughtsabout quaaludes.
So some great questions Ireceived this week, and we're
going to answer all of them.
So please enjoy the 50th Big 50episode of Starting Stand Up.
Please enjoy.
(01:03):
That's rubbish.
Okay, hello.
Alright.
Well, uh, it's ragweed seasonhere, and so while I'm not sick,
I do have uh raging histaminestorturing my body and my brain.
And so it could get a littleweird.
Could be a little weird today.
Definitely feel kooky.
(01:24):
It's been a kooky day.
I had about two hours lying inbed where I don't think I had a
single thought, but I was wideawake.
If anyone has had allergies,sometimes you feel like your
entire brain has been infected.
But it's been a it's been a funweek.
Um we've I've lived in Maine forsix years and have never gone to
(01:46):
the f the the the uh fall fairs.
Uh there's the Cumberland Fair,which isn't too far away, maybe
a half hour, which is a lovelyspot.
And then there's the famousFreiburg Fair, which I believe
is one of the oldest fairs inthe world, the mid-1800s that
started.
And we went there on a schoolnight.
Three fairs in four days.
(02:08):
Uh Saturday, Sunday, sorry,Friday, Saturday, and then
Tuesday.
Long and short of it is you goto a fair, you have a couple,
have a couple cocktails whilethe kids ride on rides that make
you vomit, and then you go intothe rabbit section of the fair,
and your family, despiteprotests, I believe at one point
(02:30):
I said, under no circumstancesare we buying a rabbit.
And within a day and a half, wehad three rabbits.
The rabbits are shittingeverywhere.
Uh, they're extremely aggressivetowards each other, so they
can't even hang out.
(02:51):
They're tiny, they're threepounds, but they're all boys,
and if you look, you hold andyou look to see if you can see
their nuts.
Like we have cats, we havePersian cats, which are boys as
well.
I still haven't seen a penis ora nut on these cats.
I mean, they have them, butwell, actually, they don't have
nuts anymore, but never sawthem.
(03:13):
Um, these three-pound rabbits,you hold them up and staring at
your face is the nutsack of, youknow, a an eight-year-old boy,
like a significant nutsack.
Very creepy, and can't wait touh lop those off.
The beauty of no one listeningto me about not getting rabbits
(03:36):
is that uh their big point, thewhole family's point, was
they're all they're only fiftybucks.
It's only 50 bucks for a rabbitthat's gonna give you joy and
love for eight to ten years.
And of course, I know that it'snot only fifty, it's not fifty
bucks.
The cage and the castration,because actually rabbits can't
really hang out with each otherunless they're castrated, and
(03:59):
that's five hunge a pop.
So I think the moral of thestory there is just don't tie on
a buzz and uh buy rabbits anddon't listen to your family.
And now I'm like the angry dadwho's like, God damn it, there's
you know, the the rat shit, Imean sorry, uh rabbit shit is
very hard pellet.
(04:20):
It almost feels like uh maybe acorn cereal, it's brown, but you
know, when it when the raffidsdefecate on your couch while
you're watching the Ryder Cup ora Red Sox game, I tend to be
like, this is disgusting, butthen when your son picks them
up, you realize that yeah, theythey're they're not messy, they
(04:40):
leave no residue.
A little bit like a goat turd.
Anyway, the this is all to saythat this episode will be very
animal focused.
Now I love animals, and that'sreally the problem.
I think if I had to really digdeep into why I didn't want the
rabbits, is because I know thatonce there's an animal in my
(05:01):
house, I can't help but care forit and and worry about it and
feel for it.
So I'm gonna be the one beingmore anal about the cage, more
anal about the rabbit gettingplaytime.
And everyone's being lovely withthese rabbits, but I don't know.
I I'm thinking maybe in thesecond half of my life that I'll
(05:22):
get into husbandry.
One of the cool things aboutthis, these fairs, though, if
you have never been to a properagriculture fair, I mean, the
the amount of animals that areon display and that you can buy,
I mean, these they're called 4-Hpigs.
And that's a 4-H pig is a pigthat has been raised by some a
kid under the age of 18, andthey're just gorgeous animals.
(05:45):
There's beef, there's beefcattle.
Um I did a lot of research onthe pigs because pigs are tough
ones to eat only because they'rethey're as intelligent, they're
more intelligent than dogs.
They're like it's like dolphin,chimpanzee, pig.
And there we are just mowingbacon, not realizing, and
(06:06):
frankly, you know, bacon may bethe tastiest thing in the world,
but it's a weird, random,doesn't make any sense what we
choose to eat or what we thinkis okay to eat, which is a way
of saying that I am doing a lotof research on rabbit meat.
Now, rabbit meat, should thingsgo south, the ones we got are
(06:28):
not, they're too small for foreating, but just to give you
some stats here, guys, you'regonna like this.
So the the the big thing, peoplewho are getting into sort of
homesteading and raising yourown meat, it's a big deal to get
a cow or a pig.
It's a lot of work, it's a lotof food, it's a lot of cost,
it's a lot of uh smells, sounds,chickens, roosters, pigs.
(06:52):
Mmm, you know what I'm um I feellike you're a three-year-old
child.
But the rabbit meat, let me seeif I can pull this up.
We got Jersey woolies, okay,which are insanely cute.
You can look those up.
But check this out rabbit meatcompared to other meat types,
(07:14):
rabbit has the most proteinpercentage, so it's 20, 20.8%
protein.
Chicken's 20%, beef is only 16%.
The percentage of fat in arabbit is 10%, whereas chicken's
11%.
So it's the leanest, highestprotein.
But ultimately, good for bones.
So if you're, you know, youknow, this whole protein craze,
(07:36):
everyone's like, you gotta eatthe number of grams of protein
of your body weight.
So I gotta eat 230 grams ofprotein, which is just insane.
Um, anyway, the rabbits youranswer.
And the cool thing about raisingrabbits is they don't make a
sound, they don't smell, theygrow really quickly, and they
bone.
I mean, obviously, they screwlike rabbits.
(07:57):
You can this these doughs givebirth two weeks later, you can
inseminate them again.
They're ready to go.
God, shout out to rabbits.
And the New Zealand or theCalifornian or the Silver Fox,
if you are considering it, arethe best breeds for eating.
Now, we obviously don't eatrabbit.
I don't know what rest youprobably this rabbits do, it go
(08:21):
to Montreal and you can have allthese meats, and that's part of
the reason I love Montreal.
Go there and have a little horseceviche, which uh I believe is
served at one of the nicestrestaurants in Montreal.
Uh I draw the line in horses,but anyway, I I wanted that some
(08:41):
things stood out at these fairs,which are huge.
Uh there's probably, I don'tknow, a thousand animals, and
they're all organized in thesebarns.
So you can just walk through andyou see these beautiful dairy
cows, and then you see uh uhthen you see steers and you see
oxen.
(09:01):
Because what what do we what'sthe difference between an ox and
a bull and a steer?
You might be uh you might beasking, and I will tell you.
So a bull is a uncastrated male,and they're all about boning,
and they are all about venery.
They will, they're just there toejaculate into usually a tube
(09:26):
and inseminate cows, and then ofcourse, you know, some fighting
in this in Spain.
An ox is trained to work, it's adraft cattle, they're typically
castrated, and they're they'rechosen for like sort of they
have a calm temperament and theyhave a ton of endurance, uh, but
they're trained to work, they'retrained to pull, and they have
these ox pulls contests wherethey everyone's lined up, you're
(09:49):
sitting in this barn, maybe two,three hundred people, and you're
just watching two oxen with ayoke pull a sled with some
concrete on it.
Pretty small sled, but obviouslyweighs a lot.
And some and somehow they Idon't know if it's the fastest
or they do it the sort of mostelegantly, but I cannot tell you
(10:11):
how big these oxen are.
I mean, they look likedinosaurs.
I'm six foot four.
These guys are like their theirbacks are like eight feet, nine
feet up there.
Some of the oxen I saw, I tooksome pictures, but truly massive
creatures.
I mean, you're just jaw-droppingat how big these ox are.
And then the draft horse is alsomy favorite.
(10:31):
Now, that's like the Budweiserhorse, all sorts of different
breeds.
I I'm not an expert, but onething that really stood out for
those draft horses is just theglutes.
I mean, the the the beauty ofthese glutes.
You know, if you were a lonelyfarmer and you like a thick,
thick ass, uh it would be hardto resist after a few years out
(10:54):
in the country by yourself.
And just a side note, I did awalk through England and we did
the the Wainwright Trail, whichyou walk from the west coast to
the east coast, took about 10days.
Amazing trip.
Highly recommend it.
The Wainwright Trail.
But anyway, you see so manysheep.
And there is something about asheep which are just really dumb
(11:14):
when it rains, they stand stockstill.
Uh, but there was a moment therewhere I started to just
empathize with the shepherds,you know.
You haven't you haven't beenwith someone in in many years,
and these sheep will just hangthere.
They'll just they'll just sitthere, they're not gonna move.
And some of them, you know, havereally nice wool.
(11:36):
So, not to say that I would doit, but I get it.
I get it.
And uh shout out to theshepherds and to anyone who
anyone who secretly just has toget it off with a draft horse.
Starting Stand-up does notcondone bestiality.
I just want to make that reallyclear.
(11:57):
We do not condone it.
My producers and I are donatingto the anti-bestiality charity
that we found.
But uh I do have empathy for allthose lonely farmers out there.
Another thing is just the pricesnow of those games, you know,
like throw darts at balloons orthrow the rings on the duckies,
(12:20):
or uh the the cost, I mean,throw a basketball and and win a
jersey.
It's like 20 bucks cash forthree darts.
And I don't want to be the dadwho's just like talking about
inflation, but my god.
I mean, if you if I said yes toeverything my son wanted to do
(12:40):
as he walked through, there'sprobably because that's where
they really make their cash.
The rides, you know, a lot ofelectricity, they're expensive,
but like darts on a balloon witha bunch of 20 cent prizes from
China, like that's that's thecash cow, and the amount of
times I had to say no to my boy.
If I had said yes, I think Iwould have spent about I don't
(13:04):
know, twelve hundred bucks inlike forty minutes based on the
prices.
So beware when you go to thesefairs and uh just get ready or
take out a big pile of cash ifyou if you want to spoil your
children.
I'm drinking a little hot waterwith uh honey tonight uh just uh
you know get the vocal cordsgoing because I do sound a
(13:27):
little stuffy.
So big news, I really don't knowwhy I did it, but I have agreed
to become the head coach of mysixth grade son's basketball
team.
Now, this is the B team.
I've been assistant coaching formy daughter and my son the last
three years, and the reason Iassistant coach is because I
(13:48):
know nothing about basketball.
I played hockey my whole life, Idon't know strategies, plays, I
have a hard time with kids'names.
Um, and so I did a lot of I wasa hype guy.
I was really charged up onpeople's hype, but uh I'm really
nervous.
I'm very nervous about being incharge because once, of course,
(14:12):
I don't know anything aboutbasketball, and two, I think
sixth grade boys are pretty muchthe worst.
You know what I mean?
They're kind of punks, butthey're still immature enough
where you can't like scream atthem like you can, like a high
school kid, you know.
I mean, I can scream at them,but I don't want to.
But the real question is like, Ithink what I'm gonna do is this.
(14:33):
I remember talking to asubstitute teacher, or it was
actually it was a it was afull-blown teacher.
And the strategy when you're anice person, but you don't want
to lose control of yourclassroom, is the first day you
essentially are terrifying.
You you you come in as a hardass.
So the kids are just like, wecannot fuck because they will
(14:55):
smell weakness.
I remember Mr.
Moynihan at uh at my elementaryschool, this man was clearly a
homosexual, but was married withkids.
We all know the type.
And he would, he was a mathteacher, and he would put his
foot on the desk.
The desk is a high, a normal,high, pretty high desk.
(15:20):
And so he would, he would, thatwas his comfort, and he would
put his right leg up on the deskand kind of like stretch his hip
flexors while lecturing.
And you know, his package isjust front and center, but he
was someone that you could takesuch advantage of, and anytime
(15:40):
his back was turned, everyonewould just start hucking number
two pencils up into thoseceilings that have the kind of
cheap where the cheap, I don'tknow what exactly what it's made
of, but it's that stuff that thea lead pencil well well hucked
will stick right up there.
And so anytime he would turn andwrite an equation on the board
(16:02):
and come back, he would turnback and there'd be like four
pencils dangling, and hewouldn't notice, and we would
all just laugh.
And this is very strict school,but he was someone who we we
were no one was listening, andthere was so much mischief going
on in his class.
And so what I think I'm gonna dois first day at practice, I am
(16:27):
gonna be a tyrant, I am gonnascream, and anytime a kid goofs
off, doesn't listen, doesn'thold a basketball, I'm gonna
make him sprint.
It's gonna be full miracle.
They're just gonna sprint thewhole first practice, no fun.
They're gonna go home beinglike, this guy is a maniac, and
(16:48):
and then I think once that'sestablished, then I can ease off
the gas a little bit.
Um, I haven't told my son thatI'm gonna be doing this.
The irony is I've told him he'sgotta be a leader out there.
I and he is going to fail.
I mean, this my son's deepestneed, more than I was, I was
voted class clown, but his need,he his crack cocaine is making
(17:13):
his friends laugh.
And he will do anything, he willget himself in trouble, he will
drive teachers crazy to get thelaugh.
And so the idea that he's gonnabe some kind of model citizen
out there is a preposterousnotion, but it's great to say
that to him and have him justsincere you look sincerely look
me in the eye and be like, yougot it, dad.
(17:35):
I got you.
It's just like within fourminutes he's gonna fuck up.
But I'm excited.
I've never been in charge.
It's good to, it's good to thebuck is gonna stop with me.
Now, this is the B team, and I Idon't know the skill level.
I'm a little worried that we'regonna be slaughtered in every
game, but I think I'm gonnascreen bad news bears and mighty
(17:57):
ducks uh for the team.
I'm gonna go with what's calleduh this is one of my big issues
with youth sports, and samething with movies and plays I've
been in and TV shows inparticular, is you you end up at
the end when it's all over,that's when you have the party,
and that's when everyone getsdrunk and actually kind of falls
(18:19):
in love with each other, not inany sort of sexual way, but like
that's when we all start havinga really good time, and then
it's over, and it's like, oh, wejust we waited, and now I'm
bonded with everybody becausewe've all seen each other uh
with with our guard down full ofalcohol, and now I say goodbye
to you forever.
So my big thing is if I was everrunning a TV show, I would do a
(18:43):
blackout drunk party right away,right out of the gate.
So everyone just and of coursesome people are gonna get fired,
and there's gonna be some awfulthing that happens and probably
a lawsuit, but for the peoplethat remain and don't get fired,
I think there'll be a a level ofjoy that everyone knows each
(19:03):
other and knows who can handletheir booze and who's got you
know a drinking problem or adrug problem, and and those are
the people that you know youknow that you're gonna enjoy
being around.
And so that's what I'm gonna dowith the basketball team.
I'm going to I'm gonna get maybewe'll screen a movie, uh, have a
little pizza, early season,first weekend, and we'll just
(19:25):
get the team bonded, and thenwe'll do our season, and then
we'll do the the typical end ofseason party.
But that's gonna be my big move.
And then I'm very pleasedbecause I'm gonna design, pretty
sure I can use AI to design allour plays and all our practice
schedules, and uh I'm gonna belearning how to I'm gonna be
(19:48):
learning the the game ofbasketball and the strategy of
basketball uh as I go.
Now, obviously I'm hoping thatno parents of my team are
listening.
Uh, and if you are, of course,I'm kidding.
This is a comedy podcast, sonothing I'm saying is true.
Mm-hmm.
(20:10):
But uh look forward to tracking.
It should have a lot of shouldhave a lot of good material from
this.
I think I'm really doing thehead coaching job just to get
stand-up material.
This episode is brought to youby Benadryl.
Little known fact, did you knowthat um the clear NyQuil, you
know, the one that's just Zquil?
That's just Benadryl in liquidform.
(20:32):
Benadryl is basically they theythey prescribe Benadryl for
anxiety.
It's like a over-the-counterXanny.
So if you ever just Oh man.
Anyone done Robotusin?
I never did it.
When we were in high school,that was always like the kind of
high watermark of being anabsolute fiend for psychedelics
(20:55):
if you had done the Robotusin.
I never got that high.
It seems so beat.
It's like you you have to chug,you you puke, and then you trip.
But it is over the counter andit costs you about eight
dollars.
But the tussen never got neverdid the tussen, but the Benadryl
and then Pseudafed.
Yesterday I took a 24-hourPseudafed.
Actually, I think I took onetoday, too.
(21:16):
I think that's why I'm so messedup.
But oh boy, you just get thatlittle methy tinge, just a
little tiny tap of meth when youtake a horse pill of Pseudafed.
Don't you think?
What's your favoriteover-the-counter drug?
Anyway, this book Friday nightuh the Qualude.
We missed the Qualude boat, andthat was really missing the
(21:41):
Qualude boat is probably mydeepest uh anger towards God
that I was born or my parents,you know, very upset that I was
born and so late that Quaaludeswere were just going out.
They were so fun, they were sogood that they literally stopped
(22:03):
making it.
Can you imagine if they werejust like, yeah, we're not gonna
make Vicadin anymore because uh,you know, too many people are
having uh two glasses of redwine and two Vikis on their
transatlantic flight.
No, but evidently it waspopularized, obviously, in the
Wolf of Wall Street, but thelewds, well before that movie
(22:26):
came out, I had heard of a guyto remain nameless, but he was a
country club fellow, and he knewof a Fortune 500 CEO type, very
wealthy man, a lot to lose, andhe had um a Swiss laboratory
that was making lewds for himand his wife, so anytime they
(22:47):
went on vacation on theirCaribbean vacations, they were
just loaded with lewds.
And I, of course, tried to getthat man's name and number, and
it never happened, but I'll keepyou abreast if I ever find
lewds.
You bring that up in politecompany uh for the the age sort
of 55-60 and watch everyone'seyes just light up about the
(23:11):
joys of Qua Ludes.
And so I think they're gonnamake a comeback in our lifetime.
They already are, there'salready some sort of black
market stuff going on, andpeople are trying, of course,
but um no such luck.
But again, this episode isbrought to you by Benadrill, and
hopefully one day it'll bebrought to you by Quaaluds.
(23:34):
Well, that's our show fortonight, and again, if you
thought anything was ofparticular interest, or you'd
like me to work on any of theseparticular subjects and think
that they would be rich areas toexplore on stage, or you just
want to fuck with me, you canreach out, tell me you loved a
certain part, even if youdidn't, and then I'll work on it
(23:57):
and then bomb, and uh that canalso be fun for you.
But again, your feedback iscritical as I build my stand-up
uh material.
So thank you so much for yourfeedback for the people who do
reach out.
I really do love it, and itreally, really is helpful.
So thank you.
Share this with anyone else thatyou think might like it.
(24:17):
Uh, click a like, click asubscribe.
You know the drill, it all helpsand it all helps support me on
this long, beautiful process ofgetting good at stand up comedy.
Thank you so much.
Have an incredible week.
Hi, welcome to Starting Stand Up.
My name is David Walton.
I've got an incredible show foryou today.
This is a response to a lot ofquestions I've been getting from
fans and from listeners.
A lot of people have beenwanting to know about the main
agricultural fair season.
My thoughts on bestiality, somequestions about inflation, and
my thoughts on rabbits andcoaching sixth grade basketball.
(00:23):
A lot of questions about that.
And then finally, some thoughtsabout quaaludes.
So some great questions Ireceived this week, and we're
going to answer all of them.
So please enjoy the 50th Big 50episode of Starting Stand Up.
Please enjoy.
(01:03):
That's rubbish.
Okay, hello.
Alright.
Well, uh, it's ragweed seasonhere, and so while I'm not sick,
I do have uh raging histaminestorturing my body and my brain.
And so it could get a littleweird.
Could be a little weird today.
Definitely feel kooky.
(01:24):
It's been a kooky day.
I had about two hours lying inbed where I don't think I had a
single thought, but I was wideawake.
If anyone has had allergies,sometimes you feel like your
entire brain has been infected.
But it's been a it's been a funweek.
Um we've I've lived in Maine forsix years and have never gone to
(01:46):
the f the the the uh fall fairs.
Uh there's the Cumberland Fair,which isn't too far away, maybe
a half hour, which is a lovelyspot.
And then there's the famousFreiburg Fair, which I believe
is one of the oldest fairs inthe world, the mid-1800s that
started.
And we went there on a schoolnight.
Three fairs in four days.
(02:08):
Uh Saturday, Sunday, sorry,Friday, Saturday, and then
Tuesday.
Long and short of it is you goto a fair, you have a couple,
have a couple cocktails whilethe kids ride on rides that make
you vomit, and then you go intothe rabbit section of the fair,
and your family, despiteprotests, I believe at one point
(02:30):
I said, under no circumstancesare we buying a rabbit.
And within a day and a half, wehad three rabbits.
The rabbits are shittingeverywhere.
Uh, they're extremely aggressivetowards each other, so they
can't even hang out.
(02:51):
They're tiny, they're threepounds, but they're all boys,
and if you look, you hold andyou look to see if you can see
their nuts.
Like we have cats, we havePersian cats, which are boys as
well.
I still haven't seen a penis ora nut on these cats.
I mean, they have them, butwell, actually, they don't have
nuts anymore, but never sawthem.
(03:13):
Um, these three-pound rabbits,you hold them up and staring at
your face is the nutsack of, youknow, a an eight-year-old boy,
like a significant nutsack.
Very creepy, and can't wait touh lop those off.
The beauty of no one listeningto me about not getting rabbits
(03:36):
is that uh their big point, thewhole family's point, was
they're all they're only fiftybucks.
It's only 50 bucks for a rabbitthat's gonna give you joy and
love for eight to ten years.
And of course, I know that it'snot only fifty, it's not fifty
bucks.
The cage and the castration,because actually rabbits can't
really hang out with each otherunless they're castrated, and
(03:59):
that's five hunge a pop.
So I think the moral of thestory there is just don't tie on
a buzz and uh buy rabbits anddon't listen to your family.
And now I'm like the angry dadwho's like, God damn it, there's
you know, the the rat shit, Imean sorry, uh rabbit shit is
very hard pellet.
(04:20):
It almost feels like uh maybe acorn cereal, it's brown, but you
know, when it when the raffidsdefecate on your couch while
you're watching the Ryder Cup ora Red Sox game, I tend to be
like, this is disgusting, butthen when your son picks them
up, you realize that yeah, theythey're they're not messy, they
(04:40):
leave no residue.
A little bit like a goat turd.
Anyway, the this is all to saythat this episode will be very
animal focused.
Now I love animals, and that'sreally the problem.
I think if I had to really digdeep into why I didn't want the
rabbits, is because I know thatonce there's an animal in my
(05:01):
house, I can't help but care forit and and worry about it and
feel for it.
So I'm gonna be the one beingmore anal about the cage, more
anal about the rabbit gettingplaytime.
And everyone's being lovely withthese rabbits, but I don't know.
I I'm thinking maybe in thesecond half of my life that I'll
(05:22):
get into husbandry.
One of the cool things aboutthis, these fairs, though, if
you have never been to a properagriculture fair, I mean, the
the amount of animals that areon display and that you can buy,
I mean, these they're called 4-Hpigs.
And that's a 4-H pig is a pigthat has been raised by some a
kid under the age of 18, andthey're just gorgeous animals.
(05:45):
There's beef, there's beefcattle.
Um I did a lot of research onthe pigs because pigs are tough
ones to eat only because they'rethey're as intelligent, they're
more intelligent than dogs.
They're like it's like dolphin,chimpanzee, pig.
And there we are just mowingbacon, not realizing, and
(06:06):
frankly, you know, bacon may bethe tastiest thing in the world,
but it's a weird, random,doesn't make any sense what we
choose to eat or what we thinkis okay to eat, which is a way
of saying that I am doing a lotof research on rabbit meat.
Now, rabbit meat, should thingsgo south, the ones we got are
(06:28):
not, they're too small for foreating, but just to give you
some stats here, guys, you'regonna like this.
So the the the big thing, peoplewho are getting into sort of
homesteading and raising yourown meat, it's a big deal to get
a cow or a pig.
It's a lot of work, it's a lotof food, it's a lot of cost,
it's a lot of uh smells, sounds,chickens, roosters, pigs.
(06:52):
Mmm, you know what I'm um I feellike you're a three-year-old
child.
But the rabbit meat, let me seeif I can pull this up.
We got Jersey woolies, okay,which are insanely cute.
You can look those up.
But check this out rabbit meatcompared to other meat types,
(07:14):
rabbit has the most proteinpercentage, so it's 20, 20.8%
protein.
Chicken's 20%, beef is only 16%.
The percentage of fat in arabbit is 10%, whereas chicken's
11%.
So it's the leanest, highestprotein.
But ultimately, good for bones.
So if you're, you know, youknow, this whole protein craze,
(07:36):
everyone's like, you gotta eatthe number of grams of protein
of your body weight.
So I gotta eat 230 grams ofprotein, which is just insane.
Um, anyway, the rabbits youranswer.
And the cool thing about raisingrabbits is they don't make a
sound, they don't smell, theygrow really quickly, and they
bone.
I mean, obviously, they screwlike rabbits.
(07:57):
You can this these doughs givebirth two weeks later, you can
inseminate them again.
They're ready to go.
God, shout out to rabbits.
And the New Zealand or theCalifornian or the Silver Fox,
if you are considering it, arethe best breeds for eating.
Now, we obviously don't eatrabbit.
I don't know what rest youprobably this rabbits do, it go
(08:21):
to Montreal and you can have allthese meats, and that's part of
the reason I love Montreal.
Go there and have a little horseceviche, which uh I believe is
served at one of the nicestrestaurants in Montreal.
Uh I draw the line in horses,but anyway, I I wanted that some
(08:41):
things stood out at these fairs,which are huge.
Uh there's probably, I don'tknow, a thousand animals, and
they're all organized in thesebarns.
So you can just walk through andyou see these beautiful dairy
cows, and then you see uh uhthen you see steers and you see
oxen.
(09:01):
Because what what do we what'sthe difference between an ox and
a bull and a steer?
You might be uh you might beasking, and I will tell you.
So a bull is a uncastrated male,and they're all about boning,
and they are all about venery.
They will, they're just there toejaculate into usually a tube
(09:26):
and inseminate cows, and then ofcourse, you know, some fighting
in this in Spain.
An ox is trained to work, it's adraft cattle, they're typically
castrated, and they're they'rechosen for like sort of they
have a calm temperament and theyhave a ton of endurance, uh, but
they're trained to work, they'retrained to pull, and they have
these ox pulls contests wherethey everyone's lined up, you're
(09:49):
sitting in this barn, maybe two,three hundred people, and you're
just watching two oxen with ayoke pull a sled with some
concrete on it.
Pretty small sled, but obviouslyweighs a lot.
And some and somehow they Idon't know if it's the fastest
or they do it the sort of mostelegantly, but I cannot tell you
(10:11):
how big these oxen are.
I mean, they look likedinosaurs.
I'm six foot four.
These guys are like their theirbacks are like eight feet, nine
feet up there.
Some of the oxen I saw, I tooksome pictures, but truly massive
creatures.
I mean, you're just jaw-droppingat how big these ox are.
And then the draft horse is alsomy favorite.
(10:31):
Now, that's like the Budweiserhorse, all sorts of different
breeds.
I I'm not an expert, but onething that really stood out for
those draft horses is just theglutes.
I mean, the the the beauty ofthese glutes.
You know, if you were a lonelyfarmer and you like a thick,
thick ass, uh it would be hardto resist after a few years out
(10:54):
in the country by yourself.
And just a side note, I did awalk through England and we did
the the Wainwright Trail, whichyou walk from the west coast to
the east coast, took about 10days.
Amazing trip.
Highly recommend it.
The Wainwright Trail.
But anyway, you see so manysheep.
And there is something about asheep which are just really dumb
(11:14):
when it rains, they stand stockstill.
Uh, but there was a moment therewhere I started to just
empathize with the shepherds,you know.
You haven't you haven't beenwith someone in in many years,
and these sheep will just hangthere.
They'll just they'll just sitthere, they're not gonna move.
And some of them, you know, havereally nice wool.
(11:36):
So, not to say that I would doit, but I get it.
I get it.
And uh shout out to theshepherds and to anyone who
anyone who secretly just has toget it off with a draft horse.
Starting Stand-up does notcondone bestiality.
I just want to make that reallyclear.
(11:57):
We do not condone it.
My producers and I are donatingto the anti-bestiality charity
that we found.
But uh I do have empathy for allthose lonely farmers out there.
Another thing is just the pricesnow of those games, you know,
like throw darts at balloons orthrow the rings on the duckies,
(12:20):
or uh the the cost, I mean,throw a basketball and and win a
jersey.
It's like 20 bucks cash forthree darts.
And I don't want to be the dadwho's just like talking about
inflation, but my god.
I mean, if you if I said yes toeverything my son wanted to do
(12:40):
as he walked through, there'sprobably because that's where
they really make their cash.
The rides, you know, a lot ofelectricity, they're expensive,
but like darts on a balloon witha bunch of 20 cent prizes from
China, like that's that's thecash cow, and the amount of
times I had to say no to my boy.
If I had said yes, I think Iwould have spent about I don't
(13:04):
know, twelve hundred bucks inlike forty minutes based on the
prices.
So beware when you go to thesefairs and uh just get ready or
take out a big pile of cash ifyou if you want to spoil your
children.
I'm drinking a little hot waterwith uh honey tonight uh just uh
you know get the vocal cordsgoing because I do sound a
(13:27):
little stuffy.
So big news, I really don't knowwhy I did it, but I have agreed
to become the head coach of mysixth grade son's basketball
team.
Now, this is the B team.
I've been assistant coaching formy daughter and my son the last
three years, and the reason Iassistant coach is because I
(13:48):
know nothing about basketball.
I played hockey my whole life, Idon't know strategies, plays, I
have a hard time with kids'names.
Um, and so I did a lot of I wasa hype guy.
I was really charged up onpeople's hype, but uh I'm really
nervous.
I'm very nervous about being incharge because once, of course,
(14:12):
I don't know anything aboutbasketball, and two, I think
sixth grade boys are pretty muchthe worst.
You know what I mean?
They're kind of punks, butthey're still immature enough
where you can't like scream atthem like you can, like a high
school kid, you know.
I mean, I can scream at them,but I don't want to.
But the real question is like, Ithink what I'm gonna do is this.
(14:33):
I remember talking to asubstitute teacher, or it was
actually it was a it was afull-blown teacher.
And the strategy when you're anice person, but you don't want
to lose control of yourclassroom, is the first day you
essentially are terrifying.
You you you come in as a hardass.
So the kids are just like, wecannot fuck because they will
(14:55):
smell weakness.
I remember Mr.
Moynihan at uh at my elementaryschool, this man was clearly a
homosexual, but was married withkids.
We all know the type.
And he would, he was a mathteacher, and he would put his
foot on the desk.
The desk is a high, a normal,high, pretty high desk.
(15:20):
And so he would, he would, thatwas his comfort, and he would
put his right leg up on the deskand kind of like stretch his hip
flexors while lecturing.
And you know, his package isjust front and center, but he
was someone that you could takesuch advantage of, and anytime
(15:40):
his back was turned, everyonewould just start hucking number
two pencils up into thoseceilings that have the kind of
cheap where the cheap, I don'tknow what exactly what it's made
of, but it's that stuff that thea lead pencil well well hucked
will stick right up there.
And so anytime he would turn andwrite an equation on the board
(16:02):
and come back, he would turnback and there'd be like four
pencils dangling, and hewouldn't notice, and we would
all just laugh.
And this is very strict school,but he was someone who we we
were no one was listening, andthere was so much mischief going
on in his class.
And so what I think I'm gonna dois first day at practice, I am
(16:27):
gonna be a tyrant, I am gonnascream, and anytime a kid goofs
off, doesn't listen, doesn'thold a basketball, I'm gonna
make him sprint.
It's gonna be full miracle.
They're just gonna sprint thewhole first practice, no fun.
They're gonna go home beinglike, this guy is a maniac, and
(16:48):
and then I think once that'sestablished, then I can ease off
the gas a little bit.
Um, I haven't told my son thatI'm gonna be doing this.
The irony is I've told him he'sgotta be a leader out there.
I and he is going to fail.
I mean, this my son's deepestneed, more than I was, I was
voted class clown, but his need,he his crack cocaine is making
(17:13):
his friends laugh.
And he will do anything, he willget himself in trouble, he will
drive teachers crazy to get thelaugh.
And so the idea that he's gonnabe some kind of model citizen
out there is a preposterousnotion, but it's great to say
that to him and have him justsincere you look sincerely look
me in the eye and be like, yougot it, dad.
(17:35):
I got you.
It's just like within fourminutes he's gonna fuck up.
But I'm excited.
I've never been in charge.
It's good to, it's good to thebuck is gonna stop with me.
Now, this is the B team, and I Idon't know the skill level.
I'm a little worried that we'regonna be slaughtered in every
game, but I think I'm gonnascreen bad news bears and mighty
(17:57):
ducks uh for the team.
I'm gonna go with what's calleduh this is one of my big issues
with youth sports, and samething with movies and plays I've
been in and TV shows inparticular, is you you end up at
the end when it's all over,that's when you have the party,
and that's when everyone getsdrunk and actually kind of falls
(18:19):
in love with each other, not inany sort of sexual way, but like
that's when we all start havinga really good time, and then
it's over, and it's like, oh, wejust we waited, and now I'm
bonded with everybody becausewe've all seen each other uh
with with our guard down full ofalcohol, and now I say goodbye
to you forever.
So my big thing is if I was everrunning a TV show, I would do a
(18:43):
blackout drunk party right away,right out of the gate.
So everyone just and of coursesome people are gonna get fired,
and there's gonna be some awfulthing that happens and probably
a lawsuit, but for the peoplethat remain and don't get fired,
I think there'll be a a level ofjoy that everyone knows each
(19:03):
other and knows who can handletheir booze and who's got you
know a drinking problem or adrug problem, and and those are
the people that you know youknow that you're gonna enjoy
being around.
And so that's what I'm gonna dowith the basketball team.
I'm going to I'm gonna get maybewe'll screen a movie, uh, have a
little pizza, early season,first weekend, and we'll just
(19:25):
get the team bonded, and thenwe'll do our season, and then
we'll do the the typical end ofseason party.
But that's gonna be my big move.
And then I'm very pleasedbecause I'm gonna design, pretty
sure I can use AI to design allour plays and all our practice
schedules, and uh I'm gonna belearning how to I'm gonna be
(19:48):
learning the the game ofbasketball and the strategy of
basketball uh as I go.
Now, obviously I'm hoping thatno parents of my team are
listening.
Uh, and if you are, of course,I'm kidding.
This is a comedy podcast, sonothing I'm saying is true.
Mm-hmm.
(20:10):
But uh look forward to tracking.
It should have a lot of shouldhave a lot of good material from
this.
I think I'm really doing thehead coaching job just to get
stand-up material.
This episode is brought to youby Benadryl.
Little known fact, did you knowthat um the clear NyQuil, you
know, the one that's just Zquil?
That's just Benadryl in liquidform.
(20:32):
Benadryl is basically they theythey prescribe Benadryl for
anxiety.
It's like a over-the-counterXanny.
So if you ever just Oh man.
Anyone done Robotusin?
I never did it.
When we were in high school,that was always like the kind of
high watermark of being anabsolute fiend for psychedelics
(20:55):
if you had done the Robotusin.
I never got that high.
It seems so beat.
It's like you you have to chug,you you puke, and then you trip.
But it is over the counter andit costs you about eight
dollars.
But the tussen never got neverdid the tussen, but the Benadryl
and then Pseudafed.
Yesterday I took a 24-hourPseudafed.
Actually, I think I took onetoday, too.
(21:16):
I think that's why I'm so messedup.
But oh boy, you just get thatlittle methy tinge, just a
little tiny tap of meth when youtake a horse pill of Pseudafed.
Don't you think?
What's your favoriteover-the-counter drug?
Anyway, this book Friday nightuh the Qualude.
We missed the Qualude boat, andthat was really missing the
(21:41):
Qualude boat is probably mydeepest uh anger towards God
that I was born or my parents,you know, very upset that I was
born and so late that Quaaludeswere were just going out.
They were so fun, they were sogood that they literally stopped
(22:03):
making it.
Can you imagine if they werejust like, yeah, we're not gonna
make Vicadin anymore because uh,you know, too many people are
having uh two glasses of redwine and two Vikis on their
transatlantic flight.
No, but evidently it waspopularized, obviously, in the
Wolf of Wall Street, but thelewds, well before that movie
(22:26):
came out, I had heard of a guyto remain nameless, but he was a
country club fellow, and he knewof a Fortune 500 CEO type, very
wealthy man, a lot to lose, andhe had um a Swiss laboratory
that was making lewds for himand his wife, so anytime they
(22:47):
went on vacation on theirCaribbean vacations, they were
just loaded with lewds.
And I, of course, tried to getthat man's name and number, and
it never happened, but I'll keepyou abreast if I ever find
lewds.
You bring that up in politecompany uh for the the age sort
of 55-60 and watch everyone'seyes just light up about the
(23:11):
joys of Qua Ludes.
And so I think they're gonnamake a comeback in our lifetime.
They already are, there'salready some sort of black
market stuff going on, andpeople are trying, of course,
but um no such luck.
But again, this episode isbrought to you by Benadrill, and
hopefully one day it'll bebrought to you by Quaaluds.
(23:34):
Well, that's our show fortonight, and again, if you
thought anything was ofparticular interest, or you'd
like me to work on any of theseparticular subjects and think
that they would be rich areas toexplore on stage, or you just
want to fuck with me, you canreach out, tell me you loved a
certain part, even if youdidn't, and then I'll work on it
(23:57):
and then bomb, and uh that canalso be fun for you.
But again, your feedback iscritical as I build my stand-up
uh material.
So thank you so much for yourfeedback for the people who do
reach out.
I really do love it, and itreally, really is helpful.
So thank you.
Share this with anyone else thatyou think might like it.
(24:17):
Uh, click a like, click asubscribe.
You know the drill, it all helpsand it all helps support me on
this long, beautiful process ofgetting good at stand up comedy.
Thank you so much.
Have an incredible week.
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