April 17, 2025 • 44 mins
On vacation with wife and kid so appropriate to rerelease the episode where I ask my wife to point out my flaws.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, welcome back to Starting Stand Up.
I'm whispering, I'm in thehallway of a hotel in Wellington
, new Jersey.
No, no, new Zealand, sorry,it's a little different.
I've been up for about I don'tknow 30 hours and about to
embark on a family vacationReally, I don't even know if you
(00:22):
could call it that Justvisiting my wife, who is here
for work, and I brought the kidsout.
It's our first night and theinternet's terrible and the
episode I thought I was going torelease is unlikely, if not
impossible, with the currentsnail pace.
(00:43):
So I'm going to re-release anepisode.
It's an episode where Iinterview my wife, and I thought
it was appropriate, now thatwe've got 10 days trapped with
our children and hopefullygathering lots of good material
(01:06):
for our stand-up and maybe evensome bonus material, I've got my
microphone.
Here in New Zealand, I'mliterally sitting outside of
someone's hotel room in thehallway because my children are
sleeping, and well, this is life, this is life.
(01:27):
So I guess I apologize for nothaving new material, but at the
same time, I don't.
And if you haven't listened tothis podcast, you know it's
getting a little taste, a littletaste of it right now, and if
(01:48):
you missed this episode, it wasa popular one and it's just me
and my wife talking about whyshe thinks how she thinks I can
be funny and really justpointing out all my flaws.
So here you go, a re-release ofme interviewing my wife.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Bye oh man, that's rubbish.
That's rubbish.
So I have you on the podcastmahondra, because I'm very
(02:35):
having a really hard timefiguring out what's wrong with
me.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
You know that I can make fun of what a thing.
What a way to start.
You can't find faults, none, oh, and so I've been like for
seven months.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I've been journaling and being like, trying to answer
the question what are my faults?
And I can't come up with anyare you serious?
Yeah, you clearly don't listento the podcast you've, uh,
you've come to the right placeyeah.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Okay, so is that what you need from me?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
So I had this eureka moment as I sat down to record
this stormy Wednesday night andit's you know, the podcast is
coming out in a few hours and welike to fly by the seat of our
pants here at Starting Stand Up,and so I sent up the wife
signal and it was reallywonderful how quickly you
(03:25):
answered.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Well, you were like can you come here and point out
my flaws?
I was like can I come right now?
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, you really were .
You looked so excited.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Yeah, so here we go.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
First of all, do you think I'm likable?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Is that in your question?
Wow, are all the questionsgoing to be like fishing
questions?
Do you think I'm handsome?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Scale of 1 to 10.
How good looking, do you think?
Do you think I'm likable?
Do you think I'm funny?
Do you love me?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Okay, are you asking these questions?
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Do you still love me?
Oh my God.
Okay, here we go.
You have never seen me dostand-up.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
You have never listened to the podcast because
it's too uncomfortable, which Iunderstand.
First of all, correction youhave asked me not to go watch.
You do stand-up correct and youeven had.
We have a very dear friend incommon who is the reason I'm
surrounded by all this beautifulart in the room I'm in kevin
christie, kevin christie, and heeven sent me a by accident sent
me footage of you doingstand-up and you asked
immediately that I not watch itI felt shame correct.
(04:28):
My point is that you'reencouraging me not divorced him
after appearing because it wasbad?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
yeah, because it's like completely changes the
person.
I think they were dating, butit was uh, it's someone, you
know, I won't, I won't revealhim, but basically he was early
in his career, he had juststarted dating this girl and he
really wanted to be a stand-upand he brought her to a show and
he could see from okay.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Is he married to her now?
Yeah, yeah, okay, what does shedo?
Is she in the in the biz?
In the biz?
No, the show biz, exactly no.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So I think that's a different thing, yeah right,
you're used to me making acomplete fool of myself and
doing shameful things, so it'sit's what you're saying, is it
shouldn't be that big a dealalso.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Just stand up is a very a holy grail of like balls
right, you so it's held to adifferent standard in this home
yes, yeah, you did.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
When I first said I was doing it, you, you did
respect it.
You started to respect me as ahuman for the first time.
So tell me, not knowing whatI'm already like, do you have
any ideas of what my personashould be and what are the areas
in which I could poke fun atmyself up there?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I think, and you know this is a tough.
This is tough because it'slayered, sure is.
I think one of the thingsthat's so amusing about you,
that made you stand out to me,was your obsession with being
likable, completely juxtaposedwith this like cruelty, like in
a funny way, you know, like youhave this 80s villain side to
(06:07):
you.
That's quite funny in myopinion, especially when you're
in tennis whites.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
You know, it's exactly.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Lena Dunham, the great Lena Dunham, was quoted.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Making this observation about you.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
She said I have never , and this is you know.
Wow, she said I have never andthis is you know.
Not the exact words, but it was.
I've never seen someone saysuch douchey things and make
them likable oh, thank you lana,I remember that.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Uh, I was on the show bent and I played kind of a
arrogant he was a, he was a goodguy, but I guess lana liked the
show.
I believe she said she wantedto marry me I said you can have
him.
You did actually, Didn't youtweet her?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I'm also quite I'm not sure if it was bent.
Maybe she was a fired up fan.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
David, no, it was bent.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
But yeah, I think that that's what's so funny
about you is how like justdouble popped collar douchey guy
, one of your best friends, whatis your definition of a
douchebag?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Let's start there, because there's many different
ones and you often havedifferent definitions of words
than me.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Well, that's like a very douchey thing to say right
there.
I would say a douchebag, yourbrand of douchebag.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
What do you consider a douchebag?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
There's like a few things like a like, a weird like
put on deep voice.
You know, like you got to havelike the physical things right,
what's up, man?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
how you doing?
Speaker 3 (07:31):
yeah, you got to be like look a certain way, you
know, be like hey I want you toread at my wedding yeah, like
you know, to your best friendwho should be your.
Whatever the male version is,you're made of honor that chad
meme kind of yeah, chad tuckettchad tuckett yeah yeah but I'm
not chad tuckett am I?
Speaker 2 (07:50):
you're not but I think that part of you like is
making fun of it, and thenyou're slowly becoming it yeah,
well, I can certainly act like achad tuckett sometimes,
although the chad tucketts of myday were different than the
chad tucketts now.
It just seems like.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Chad Tucket is proliferating.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
It's all of an evolution, yeah but it just
seems like it's everywhere.
You know bros Bros just beingso bro-y on video.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Yeah, it's like, this is what it is.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Bros in the past used to not ever want to videotape
themselves being bros, and noweveryone's just bro broing out,
almost like trying to be famous.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
You're just sounding like an old bro who doesn't
understand.
You know that things arechanging but you, just you.
You're like a person who myteeny, tiny, lacoste wearing
venezuelan cousins would watchin a movie and like try to
imitate.
Oh, you know thank you well,yeah, and, and you know, because
there's obviously a languagebarrier there, so they don't
(08:48):
realize that.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Jokes on them but yeah, yeah, you understand like
that definitely kind ofunderstand you really don't.
No, no, I mean, I get it in away, I do.
I understand now.
You said there's three parts todouchebag.
That's one right.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
so that's you know the, the voice, the, the way you
carry yourself, just for therecord, I want to say this is
really enjoyable.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Right now I'm very much enjoying this and from your
facial expression it seems likeyour experience is a complete
opposite.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Well, one.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I'm like in a corner in the room and I feel it's also
just, you know, in a room byyourself, I'm in your office and
you're at your office desk, soI'm not for anyone listening.
I'm not placed in your corner,no, but the exit is behind you.
Yeah, I am blocking your exitas.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
I'm describing why you're a douche.
You know it's dangerous, butyeah, so there's that.
That's the physical, that's howyou sound.
And then the thing of like.
You know, this is the thingabout Like, right, when you're
like what a douche, he knowswhen to like, sweeten up and get
like a cute twinkle in his eye,and you know.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Sincere.
Yes, he can switch betweendouchery and sincerity and
earnestness.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah.
So you're like, oh, is he justthe whole?
Oh, he's actually a reallygreat guy.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I see, you know yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
And that you do very well.
It's very funny.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
It can.
Well, it's very funny, I canfluctuate.
Okay, that's interesting.
So, and is there a?
third element, or just sort ofthe body and then the, and then
the ability to elements, to adouchebag you know, but yeah but
I think it's overused at thispoint, to the point where I
don't know what it means right,right you know, it's sort of
like if you were to read a filmscript and be like you know,
jimmy, you know chad tuggettdouchebag there's's like the
Saturday Night Live version ofthat and then in many ways, all
(10:31):
dude, all sort of You're a.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Boston douchebag.
You're a Boston prep schooldouchebag.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's what, if I had to, you know three words in a
script.
I don't think you are David.
You look like you're about tocry, but that's when you let
yourself go there.
Sure it, when you let yourselfgo there.
It's very amusing.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Okay, great.
So it's how I landed you.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
I got you because of my douche.
No, I liked you because you hadsort of like a secret Dick Van
Dyke thing going on.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Oh, yeah, what was the dog you think?
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I'm like, yeah, marmaduke.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic
idiot.
No, marmaduke was lovely,didn't Marmaduke?
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic
idiot.
No, marmaduke was lovely.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Didn't Marmaduke just completely trash houses him.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Well, it's just because he was so tall.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Oh, I think he was like a.
I think he was a complete mess.
I mean, right, I never reallysaw it, but he seemed to be
causing a tremendous amount ofproblems for his owner.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
Anyway, yeah, I just think he was in the wrong place.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
That Marmaduke thing I always was insulted by.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
But I let you keep saying it because I love you so
much.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
So anyway, no guy wants to be considered a
Marmaduke.
You know what I mean.
But there was another one.
It was Marmaduke.
And then what else?
What was the other?
Oh, Dick Van Dyke.
Dick Van Dyke.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Yes, because you just seem to me like you were gonna
be someone who's like wakes upand it's just like I'm so lucky
man, I'm, you know like, look atthis face, look at this body
that you know more or less.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I mean, come on, uh, and that thing of just like a
dick van dyke right, I didn'twatch dick, but he was just a
happy guy at a great age healways found.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
You know the comedy and things.
He was a comedy writer.
I think you you have it in youto be a celebratory guy, but you
feel like you don't earn it andthat's just not how it worked,
you know oh, you mean I, Iself-sabotage I think you feel
like shame in being happy withthings because it's like that's
not how, that's not how theprinceton boy, like you know
(12:28):
whatever the fuck gets great atrowing and it's like who cares.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
You mean?
You think I have to be in painin order, I believe I have to be
lashing myself and in psychicpain in order to succeed.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Yeah, I'm getting better at articulating your
thoughts with my words.
No no, I think it's reallyimportant, all kidding aside, to
be able to articulate what theother person is saying, because
a lot of times, Just another wayof no.
no, we have been in so many whatI would say avoidable arguments
, because I'm not doing that andI think you mean something, and
(13:03):
now I'm getting upset bysomething that I think you mean
and you didn't mean it.
And if I just made sure I wasreceiving information correctly,
most of the unpleasantnesscould be avoided.
And that is why this podcast ismorphing from a comedy podcast
to a relationship therapypodcast.
Mahandra say more.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I would like to say that say more is a wonderful
segue into.
We had a couples therapist whofired us.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
You say that I'm telling you David.
You're fired.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Not like that, because she's lovely and the
best there is out there, but shewas just like guys, it's the
same thing.
And she did say to you that youneed to say less.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yeah well, I'm happy to report that what our
therapist said 11 years ago it'sthe same thing I'm happy to
report is still the same thing,it's the same.
And that's the name of the newpodcast that we're launching,
the Same Thing Called, and we'llbe sharing our relationship
problems to the world, and thedigital universe will become our
(14:08):
therapy for free, hopefully,with sponsors now.
Um, that's a joke and workingon my jokes, you haven't laughed
.
I've noticed.
You haven't laughed once atanything.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
I'm saying I there you go.
You gotta laugh.
I I did read that.
That was like a thing beforeyou marry someone, like you know
how they're.
Like you're gonna see thisperson ill, they're gonna smell
whatever.
You always read the same thing,but it did say this one which
stood out was, like it said uh,the same recycled jokes, as you
(14:38):
know.
Another thing to pile on thereof just like wanting to murder
the person after a while yeah,and I thought that was very,
very profound and very true.
you know, when you're justalways hearing me say like the
same, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Marriage.
I mean, what is it 13 years now?
So it's like we, when we have alot of older couple friends you
know, and you can just see awife just like watching their
husband stick for the onethousand two hundred eighty
seventh time and just being likecompletely dead in the eyes
while everybody chuckles.
(15:08):
It's so funny to me it's sofunny and sad and tragic.
Moving on Whoa I had a littlechill.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
You got a tick suddenly Back to me.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Back to me.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
We haven't really gotten anywhere.
What you're trying to say is mypersona should be douchebag,
but I should keep people ontheir toes and get kind of real
and sensitive at times.
It's just so tricky because Iwould say, your persona should
be who you are, just usuallymost stand-ups.
Or they are who they are, justexaggerated a bit.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Right, but like you don't, especially in this
climate, you don't want to goout there and be a fucking
monster.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
That's what I mean.
I mean like I could double popmy collar and I could roll out
there and be like what's up,bitches?
And then just be like I'm adouchebag, see it's not even
that guy.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
See, you're making him more masculine, not that
you're feminine, but meaningyou're making him like a
meathead.
This is not a meathead.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Oh, it's a non-meathead douchebag.
This is.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
You know, I have an, an $80 cream I use at night.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
A rich douchebag, exactly, okay.
Okay, we're getting somewhere,we're getting more specific with
him.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
He's not rich, right, but he looks up to that.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
He's rich enough.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
He's rich enough, but he's going to exude a top 1%,
he's going to get a two-door BMWthe minute his show gets picked
up Right, but he's going toexude top 1%.
He's going to exude top onepercent.
People are going to say are youa walmart walton?
And he's not going to deny it,even though he's not.
Yeah, you know I fear.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
You got you that's interesting, okay.
So you want me to be a richdouchebag?
Yeah, okay, on stage, and then.
So now how?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
it's not even you know what I'm talking about.
You don't have to.
Well, you can.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Look it's this is subtle thing we're talking about
a deep character here, but whatpeople are noticing, like Kevin
Christie, who we're going totalk about, who's give you the
artwork in your office, like hewas.
Like I did a comedy store openmic which I haven't shared with
anybody.
I think back on it and I shiverwith shame because I wrote the
(17:09):
whole five minutes in a car,like an hour before, and I was
just like yeah, like yeah, I'mgonna do this new thing on feces
, because that's what Kevin saidto do and I did this bit about
fecal filiacs and another wordfor fecal filiacs is being
German and I just startedripping on Germans.
I thought that was a prettygood joke and we did get a good
laugh right, but um, but it'slike, not authentic to like no,
and it was all absurd.
It was just this kind of like I.
(17:29):
I kept thinking of weird thingsto talk about that no one ever
talks about and everyone just islike looking.
It was all just about how yeah,it's just bombastic, yeah it's
just saying things that youdon't think anyone's ever heard
and thinking that'll be enough.
Anyway, my point is this Kevinafterwards was like dude, you
need to write jokes.
(17:50):
And I was like he was very niceabout it.
We had a nice dinner atCanner's, the famous deli in LA,
anyway, and he said and you maywant to cover up your arms.
Now, for those who don't know meor ever meet me, I have these
weird outsized arms, like, wheresometimes if I'm working out,
(18:11):
my arms get like as big as mylegs.
I look like some weirdchimpanzee and I remember one of
my nephews watching me playtennis.
He's like Uncle Dave looks likea chimpanzee and I was hunched
over, you know like.
And so I, he's like, coverthose arms up because it makes.
And it's like this weirdmysterious thing where I think
(18:32):
people want they don't.
They're not on your side whenyou get on stage, maybe at these
like family, these open mics,they're a little bit more, but
like people are judging youimmediately how you look and
they're gone.
Who is this guy?
I think he is.
This guy thinks he's funny, andsovin's point was like just
don't like.
Don't like, show off your bod inany way but then you see, you
(18:54):
know, eddie murphy rolls out ina skin-tight leather suit, just
looking so sexual and but he'ssuch, eddie murphy, but eddie,
and eddie and I are so similar.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
You know what I know, but like kevin christie is so
kevin christie right right he'snot this like malleable thing.
I mean he is because he's agreat actor of our time, but he
really does have like a personajust on his own.
And this is what I find sointeresting about you is that I
feel like there's the personathat you were brought up to feel
(19:26):
you have to do, which is alwayslike I, I'm gonna disarm you
and just prove that I'm just,we're just the loveliest, like
oh, like cocktail charm partyyeah, just like we're, you know,
barefoot and chill and uh, youknow.
But it's like then you're thesame guy that like walks down
the street on large font.
It's like, uh, homeless people,you know you love telling that
(19:47):
story because it was listen.
I'm a person who is obsessedwith homeless people and that
got me what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
it got you.
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
because it was.
So.
It's like here's this guy who'sreally nice and is concerned
with you know, seeming nice andis nice, you know like, spends
his time being like a goodmarmaduke to everyone, but like
he just has, he feels put out byhomeless people, certain
situations.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I think everyone can relate to certain moods where
you're like no, you go theseventh homeless person asking
you for something you're like.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Okay, like you said you go, what am I supposed to do
?
Like do I stop?
Every time it was like aneurotic musing, but it's like
the opening line was oh,homeless, you know it just.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Yeah, it got you laughed.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
It made me laugh so hard.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
The cruelty.
I think you've always laughedat sort of accidental cruelty.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Yeah, because it's almost like a childlike cruelty.
Yeah, like when a kid is likethat guy's fat.
Yeah, and you're like Jesusyeah.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Yeah, and you're like Jesus, yeah, yeah, but in a
certain circumstance you're likeit's so pure of spirit, exactly
, and you did always think I wasa very earnest person who had a
good heart, you know.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yeah, which has changed dramatically.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Well, that's what's funny to me about you?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
is that you've?
Speaker 3 (21:04):
done such a great job of like imitating the douchey
like guy who, like on a dime,goes to golf in the bahamas with
bunch of guys from yale thatyou've like become.
I don't have the old friend goahead sorry, harvard, there you
go, um that you've kind ofbecome that guy.
You know what I mean.
So it's very funny to me likeyou have had full, like baby
fits in front of me, that Idon't pay enough attention to
(21:26):
you and that I'm mean to you andyou're like in full tennis
whites, you know yeah, I mean,but you're just so judgy of
tennis, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I love tennis but you , you, you, yeah, you're very
anti anyway.
Well, this isn't about you.
We can talk about you and onyour stand-up podcast, this is
about me.
We need to stay focused.
Um, so what have I learned?
Let's sum it up We've learnedit all.
Now I would say that I'm moreconfused now.
I don't know where we stand.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I don't know if I thought this was about your
stand-up comedy.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
No, it is, I'm just teasing, I'm just making dumb
jokes.
Okay, now I think Let me tellyou what I'm struggling with is
that you need something veryquick.
You know 30 seconds, hey, how'sit going?
Everybody, and in this first 30seconds you have to define who
you are and obviously you havethe visual thing helping.
So, if you have, but a lot ofpeople are just wearing
non-distripped clothes, right.
(22:19):
So you need you need to makethem laugh right away, and and
that that can easily happen.
When you just make some clevercomment about some reality in
the room, it could be the comicright before you said something
you had an idea to play off of,that.
You mention him and you get abig laugh, but you want to have
something in your quiver that isloaded, that's ready.
(22:42):
That isn't so environmentrelated.
That is generallyself-deprecating and it just
gives the audience this feelingof okay, that was a good joke,
that's funny.
This guy doesn't take himselfseriously.
He's laughing at himself.
It's okay to laugh at him andit really lubes everyone up to
have a good time and it doesshow that you're a professional
and it and it, and if you looknow at almost all started
(23:06):
stand-up.
They do everyone, they all doit.
They all do it immediately.
You know they just, they justsay something that somehow
deprecates themselves and sumsup their style, and so that's
what we're searching for, that'swhat I'm asking for help on.
It's not necessarily a vibe anda persona yet, because that is
not something you really choose.
In a weird way, the audiencethis is the advice I've been
(23:26):
given by many people theaudience kind of chooses that
for you and a lot of timesthat's a surprise.
Yeah, what they respond to yeah,and what you start to lean into
because you're like, oh, theyreally like it when I'm like
this guy or that, or more crassor less, or nerdy or whatever
you know, you start to form andyou don't want to pick some
persona before it organicallykind of developed.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Right, but you're in the process right now of having
you know you're trying on a fewdifferent things.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, I mean, I would say every time I get up there
and I haven't been publicizingthem.
I haven't been publishing theseopen mics because I'm a little.
There's a part of me that justwants to like, kind of show you
guys a longer.
I sort of have all this chapterof prior in the spring, a long
break, and now we're back withmore knowledge and we're doing
(24:13):
them and I want to get them alittle tighter before I share
them.
But anyway, this is all to saythat I'm really searching for
this self-deprecation that cankind of set the tone, and what
I'm doing now is there is quitea lot of dirty not dirtiness
like blue, but it's an honesty.
(24:34):
It's just shit, yeah, just shitand piss.
No, there's an old, yeah.
If it comes.
If it comes out of a hole,don't talk about it.
If it goes into a hole, you cantalk about it.
I think that's the rule.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
But any hole can take it right.
Well, that's a great point.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
But you know what I?
Mean the right spirit, Likepiss and shit is not going to be
funny, but sex is very.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Oh, I see what you.
Or anal sex, very clean sex,got it.
Or mouth sex.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
So, so anyway.
So that's what I'm searchingfor and I'm so physically, what
do you think I could?
I have a lot of ear growth,hair growth, you know that kind
of stuff.
Oh, make fun of yourselfphysically, that's so stupid.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
David, but it's not, everybody does it, it's like
Brooke Shields getting up there,you know, or whatever.
Like me, like my nose hair,like look, you're at a deficit
because of the way you look,okay, okay, and keep going.
For you to, for you to get upthere and be self-deprecating
and wear a fucking flannel andbe like I have ear hair and like
I have to hide my beautifularms, like it's so stupid of
(25:36):
course people are gonna hate you.
I would fucking throw somethingat you if I was another dude.
Okay, well, that's as a girl.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
They're gonna fucking throw something at you if I was
another dude, okay, well,that's as a girl, they're gonna
throw their underwear at you, socongratulations.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
But you don't have to do stand-up for that um so I
would try just once and this iswhat's tough, because this is
what I find funny about you andI don't know that this is
universally- funny, tell me islike you get up there.
Like what's his face?
Just like a touch of americanpsycho like bateman patrick
bateman it's the greed is goodera.
(26:06):
It's like that some I can'texplain.
When you just tap into that alittle, when you, when you know
that that's in the sauce thatmade this douchebag, it's just
so funny to me.
I mean, maybe that's what it isis like look, you are
personally annoyed with how muchyou have to be careful.
You know you may, he loves tojoke.
Millions of people are no, no,no, I know, but like you look
(26:28):
right, but that doesn't annoyexactly, so that that's there.
You go there, there are yourpeople.
But like you can, like I willsay something about my own
people and get like a weird lookwhere I'm like of course,
because people are so nervousthey don't want to laugh and I'm
like, no, no, I'm allowed tosay that, whatever right right,
right who are your people, againthe hispanic latins yes, so
(26:50):
like even when you like to dothis interview with an accent
for the rest of the way, can I?
Speaker 2 (26:54):
but can you get a little bit?
Speaker 3 (26:55):
no, no, do a little bit I'm doing an accent of your
people no, I know, but can Ireally talk like this?
At least this is how I normallytalk, no, but like you'll say,
my immigrant wife to people thatused to get a laugh and now it
doesn't as much people you arean immigrant, I know yeah, but
my point you understand, somaybe that's what your thing
could be.
It's just like a guy up therewearing pete's fashion, you know
(27:17):
pete's fashion is a is made tomeasure tay.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
that would come into LA and we would all go get sport
coats for less than you couldbuy.
And, like I don't know, brooksBrothers was a screaming deal
because the tailors in Hong Kongobviously are, you know do not
have good working conditions.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
David, that right, there is your log line.
I mean, from comparing pricesto Brooks Brothers, to sports,
that you were in your 20s?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Yeah, well, I was a bachelor in Los Angeles, and you
know, look, everyone knows thatdressing properly and well,
like an adult and not a collegestudent, is going to help get
you laid and so and it's goingto make you feel good.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Just so not true in LA.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
No it did, though Everyone was getting so much
action because you didn't knowthe other alternative.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
You never even tried to wear just a normal t-shirt.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
We were what would you call?
We were what you'd call like aneast coast expats boarding
school kids los angeles.
For those who've never livedthere, uh is is a weird, weird
place that attracts just thiswide swath of some of the lowest
level people you've ever metdesperate and sad and and and
valueless, but also incrediblepeople, extremely creative,
(28:32):
smart, fun and in the early daysyou're wandering around and
you're just like everyone feelscreepy.
I got nothing in common withany of these people.
And and then you find you knowsome people who maybe grew up on
the East Coast and, you know,went to boarding schools and so
we started hanging out.
And then you're like, oh, Ifeel like I now have a crew.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Exactly, and the irony is, for most women, a crew
of expat boarding school guysthat are buying sports coats
from the Beverly HiltonIncredibly attractive.
Couldn't be more dangerous ofexpat boarding school guys that
are buying sports coats from thebeverly hilton incredibly
attractive couldn't be moredangerous and feel more creepy
that's now.
But no, no, oh, david, oh mygod back then no, but anyway,
the point is, your group isincredibly attractive but also
(29:14):
really sweet.
That's, that is the david waltonpond right, there's a
douchiness, there's a uh-oh,there's a, for sure, one of
these guys put something in mydrink and it's like no one put
anything in your drink.
No, they're all sweet, they'reall vulnerable.
They're all journaling.
And they're all going to cry.
One's going to cry by the endof the night, telling everybody
(29:36):
else how much they love.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Yes, yes, a lot of love, a lot of love, some
ecstasy, but mostly non-ecstasy.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Yeah, there was so much emotion.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Yeah, a lot of just being in touch with.
But I have noticed that, not todigress, that men are
increasingly comfortableexpressing their love for one
another.
The bro love is very deep outthere and that's a new thing,
that's a beautiful thing that Iencourage and and like to see
just men hugging, telling themeach other that they love them.
We were kissing each other onthe cheek back in in early 2000
(30:11):
and that's now much moreubiquitous, but I felt like we
were early adopters of that andum, even though the italians
have been doing it well.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah, I was just gonna say my, my people, the men
, kiss each other and they crymore, yeah, yeah.
So look, I'm gonna take creditfor everything.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
We're first, first movers on an enormous amount of
things.
We've set a lot of trends inmotion um, just in a short
couple years.
So is that more of the vibethat you think I should be going
for on stage?
Speaker 3 (30:36):
it's kind of a delusional, arrogant douchebag,
or or maybe it's just like anaging out douche, like meaning
you are frustrating but do youknow what I'm saying?
Like it's, it's more that thingof railing against what.
Like what you're allowed to say, what you're not allowed to say
, what you're allowed to do Ithink there's a lot of people
that you could speak for yeah noand I know a lot of people do
(30:57):
that, but it is coming from um,that boarding school sect is
very special
Speaker 2 (31:01):
yeah, we have digressed, but this is helpful
to me because I think ultimatelyI have to speak about that.
Like you know, people,ultimately if I'm going to put
together, let's say, an hour ofmaterial, you're going to talk
about your life and I gotta mindthe comedy of sort of this
boarding school sect and whatprep school is.
There's a lot that can beshared that is funny with the
(31:22):
world, I think oh yeah, I meanyou.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
You can just start your set explaining to people
what fucking boarding school isyeah, but they won't laugh, I
think no, no no, but meaningit's just like setting it up
yeah and then you know in you go, I have no idea who.
Who the fuck am I to say?
But my point is so I I want toI want to in an ode to val.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
This is a shout-out to Val, who's the manager of the
comedy cellar in New York.
She got attacked violently atthe 42nd Street Times Square
station and recently there's aGoFundMe for her, so I will put
the link to her GoFundMe in thispodcast.
Not that anyone knows Val, butI would love it if people donate
(32:02):
any any amount for her healthcare bills that are going to be
extensive, but anyway, val hadsaid something to me when, as a
advice and she knows you knowshe's good friends with Amy
Schumer, she knows everybody andshe was like just write down
your life facts and write themdown, the most boring ones, just
write them all down, and so Idid, and I'm just going to list
(32:23):
them for you, okay, oh boy Okay.
One of seven kids grew up inBoston, but not the famous
Boston for movies, the suburbsuburb boring Boston.
All my sisters are all Americanathletes not all but two of the
four, and the other ones werevery good, um, you know,
all-star high school athletes.
My parents are not goodathletes.
I grew up in a huge house.
It felt normal.
(32:44):
Kids just don't understand.
Um, I hit puberty summer afterninth grade.
I was really skinny as a kid.
I wish I was.
I always wished I was strongerand bigger.
Uh, girls terrified me.
It was an all boys school, sogirls always terrified me until
I started going to school withthem.
Um, but I wanted them so bad.
I liked the girls that wereadvanced, you know, like I liked
(33:05):
girls that can you say thissluts.
Can you say that word?
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Or just like fast, I guess.
Yeah, I like fast.
I thought you meant likeintellectually advanced.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
No, no, I meant fast.
I was always like why are thesemy friends making fun of this
girl for putting out like that'sso exciting?
Then you don't have to dealwith all this like neuroses
about sex.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, it didn't make sense tome.
Yeah, no, no.
No comment from her.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
No, I just don't understand neuroses about sex
when you're young enough to nothave neuroses?
You were huge.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Early early I went to Jeez early, early, early I went
to.
Um, I went to brown, which isan ivy league school, but I was
ashamed because it wasn'tharvard, yale or princeton, it
was what me and my friends wouldcall it the ghetto ivy, because
our, our uh, endowment was sosmall compared to all the other
ivy league schools.
Um, my sisters were all goodytwo-shoes and I felt enormous
(34:01):
pressure to be good as well,like not break rules, not do
drugs, not do all that stuff.
Um, so I felt like I was reallyletting them down.
When I first started smokingcrack.
That was actually a joke that Iwrote in.
That's not true.
I haven't smoked crack.
I would probably do it in theright circumstance.
It's been a misunderstood,misunderstood drug.
Um, my dad was born in 1940.
(34:21):
My mom was born in 1940.
My mom was born in 1944.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
These are just facts.
Are you bored?
No, the crack thing.
I just don't think there's anycircumstances where that's not
going to be a bummer.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
We'll talk about that off the line.
You're going to want more rightaway.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That's the beauty of crack.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I'll pitch a book that is called Drug Use for
Grownups and it's by Dr Hart andit's an excellent book.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Does he talk about crack 100%?
Oh, okay, well, I've got toread that chapter.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
He's the head of neuropharmacology at Columbia, a
top, top professor who is openabout his heroin use and he does
it without any ill effect onhis life.
Anyway, really interesting bookand will make you rethink drugs
.
Okay, so my parents weremarried.
I think she was 27.
It was my mom's second marriageand she already had two kids
and she was only 26.
(35:04):
I never got spanked, but Ifound out this weekend that my
sister and brother did from mydad.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Spanked.
Yeah, like put over the kneeand spanked my oldest sister.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Yeah, and my brother.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
How demeaning.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
Yeah, and I never did so.
Clearly something changed.
My dad had a huge temper, likea scary temper, um, but he's a.
He's a lovable teddy bear.
Uh, I worked as a mani for asix-year-old boy in Hyannisport,
right next to the Kennedycompound.
I first job was deliveringnewspapers.
I've worked at a camp counselor, done construction for a summer
, waited tables, taught us ATs.
(35:40):
I sold knives for Cutco.
I've done some extra work on aPeter Gallagher movie, played
baseball and hockey for my town.
I played tennis, golf andsailed and skied.
High school I played soccer,hockey and I rode College.
I rode for one year.
I was in a sketch comedy troupein college with the famous John
Krasinski and many otherscalled Out of Bounds.
I was in an improv group calledspit in high school, st paul's
(36:03):
improv theater, and I moved tonew york city after college to
make it as an actor.
It's interesting, as I say,those facts.
You get this little tickle thatthere's something there to make
you know, there's, there'sthings there, you know, and I
think val this is an ode to val,uh, who, uh, we're thinking
about is.
Is that's?
That's what she's going for?
Is that?
Sometimes simple facts areinteresting to people.
(36:23):
They just want to know somelittle thing about you.
And then, what is your riff onthose things, do you agree?
Speaker 3 (36:29):
I do Well, at least things that people find
interesting, that they don'tknow necessarily much about.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Yeah, like any of those things, does any of them
pop out as an area ofexploration?
Speaker 3 (36:41):
Well, I only know none of those things.
Would I any of them pop out asan area of exploration?
Well, I only know none of thosethings.
Would I personally be like,wait, tell me more?
No, no, because they're notthat that you know foreign to me
.
But I have marveled at howpeople respond to hearing that
you went to boarding school yeahthey think it's a punishment
which is wild right you knowthat's an interesting thing.
I mean it's crazy the way peoplerespond to that.
(37:02):
You know that's an interestingthing.
I mean it's crazy.
The way people respond to thatand the way people respond to
your height is like shocking.
You know, it's just notsomething that I would consider
until now, I know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of mining.
A fun story would be when thatdoctor felt my balls and told me
I had many more years of really, really aggressive growth?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
yeah, I won't, yeah, not there, just in height not
there, unfortunately, just inheight the balls were already
huge.
The balls.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
No, the balls were so small.
He was basically like you, I, Iwent.
The story goes like this andI'll say it anyway.
I went from five foot four tosix'0 in one year and so that's
8 inches.
And he felt my 8-inch dick andhe said you've got a lot more
years of growth now.
That's not true.
He pulled my pants down and helooked at my balls and he said
(37:54):
you've grown 8 inches.
And he didn't say based on yourballs, but I knew that's what
he was thinking You've got a fewmore years of this kind of
growth.
And he goes.
I'm looking at a minimum of sixfoot seven, most likely six
foot ten and potentially sevenfeet, and I started crying.
I was a hockey player.
I sucked at basketball.
I immediately envisioned myselfas a freak with like narrow
(38:17):
shoulders who looked like ManuteBall and would never get laid
and it it really, really made meupset, and so I got in the car.
I was crying all the way home.
I'm a 12 year old boy.
I'm a 13 year old boy.
I can't remember, and my mom islike comforting me and she's
like you know you, just all yougot to do is start smoking a ton
of pot and you'll be fine.
It's not your growth.
I just added that joke.
(38:37):
You don't see that?
Okay, perfect example.
If I was writing, I'd be like,yeah, I'll do a little bit about
my mom telling me to smoke pot.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Honestly, that's like something my mother would have
said, so I was like trying tosuss out.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
No, no, but so I say that joke and I look at you and
it's for those listening at home, it's just stone faced and I'm
like, is this one of thosethings where I've said this joke
before because I didn't thinkit was bad, I thought it was
worthy of like a at least atickle of a smile, or something
I got excited for.
Speaker 3 (39:03):
A second thought that your mom yeah see, that's your
issue yeah, you're too close toit.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I know you guys at home are laughing your ass off,
uh, anyway.
So the point I'm trying to makeis that's a story that you can
milk and it's and it's, and it'ssomething that is
self-deprecating and I could getinto, as, as a look, I've
always been insecure about myheight.
I know it's crazy to sayeveryone wants to be tall, but
being tall sucks, and I couldtalk about the various ways it
sucks.
(39:27):
You know.
You know your dick lookssmaller just relative to your
body.
Your, your knees hit theairplane seat uh you can't go.
You're spoon with anyone youcan't spoon, you can't 69, you
can't well, you can 69.
Speaker 3 (39:41):
It just can get awkward no, you have to
literally do a 69 in like acrunch.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
Yeah, yeah, I'm constantly contracting and then
because I, I mean, I you knowsix, love six, and so make it
work, but uh, yeah, you'd haveto be on.
Speaker 3 (39:55):
It's really complicated.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah, no, I mean, I haven't done it in 14 years, but
it's, I love it, you know, anduh, oh, I was just looking at
your face, looking justimagining you and krasinski in
costa rica just 69ing.
I did go on a vacation with justme, and that's for another time
, but anyway, um.
So my point I'm trying to makeis there's a run of jokes.
(40:18):
You know we're we're riffinghere, but there's, I think, what
I'm going to come away becauseit's it's time, it's over, uh,
and will you come back on theshow?
Has this been a pleasantexperience?
Speaker 3 (40:28):
sure you can have a do less t-shirt.
It's a real undertaking whatyou're doing, david, yeah it is.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
It really is.
No, it's a long journey, butit's very impressive and really
challenging yep and um.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
I'm so anxious right now for you.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
Oh, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
No, it's just listen it's no joke.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
No, but the stakes.
I mean, look if I, if I spendfive years doing this.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Yes, the stakes aren't real to anybody else, but
it's just like it's.
So it's just such a tough sortof thing to at first like
understand and land on you.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yeah yeah, it's already in failure.
It's I think it's.
It's very fascinating.
It's really hard.
It sucks that you have to goand wait at open mics for an
hour and a half and drive and godo them like I wish.
I think I'm going to sign upfor like a comedy camp and I
know I was warned not to dothese, but but there's one in LA
(41:20):
, oh.
God, no, no, not a camp, butlike one where you can just get
you know tons of reps and havepeople around.
But if you were recommended notto do it, then that means no,
that's just two people, by theway and the truth is I need, I
know what I need and I need tobe around people and I need to
be in it and immersed.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Right.
To be forced to be writing allthe time and performing all the
time.
This isn't like golf camp, no.
I know this might just be likegoing to LA for an extended
period of time and hanging out.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
Just relax.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
With comedians.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Anyway.
So but yeah, this has been veryhelpful.
I like that I read through thefacts.
There's some things that Irealized that I can go try out
and we can keep building on it.
But you know, I think my heightis definitely something that
would seemingly not beself-deprecatable, because
people want to be tall, but I'mlike right on the edge of too
(42:15):
tall I really am.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
You are.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
And sometimes I feel like a giraffe.
I look at a picture.
I'm like I look like ManuteBull and it's like when I'm and
especially on.
I did this show called PowerGhost and my boy, gianni, is
shorter than me and like we hadone scene and people were just
like holy shit, it's like Giannilooks like this yoked MMA
fighter.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
And I look like I'm going to blow away in the wind.
Yeah, you're like a fuckingreed.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Yeah, it's just like.
Yeah, it just sucks, you know.
So I still have insecuritiesabout my height and I got to
figure out a way to you know, to.
Just maybe that's a good way tostart.
And then the vibe, the persona.
That's stuff that I'll wait on,but I'll certainly experiment
with coming out with a bit moreof an arrogant vibe.
Let's just call it that for thesake of the douchebag.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
More arrogant, more like owning it and more like you
know what this is my stage andlike I'm going to go.
But you know, I'll just test itbecause, why not?
That's what you got to do.
Yeah, we'll see, we'll see, I,we'll see, we'll see.
I hope you enjoyed this.
I really do.
Thank you, mahondra.
As much as we struggle to havea conversation with our kids
(43:29):
around, it's so annoying I thinkwe may have found a way to
actually have a fun, substantiveconversation.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
We just try to find your flaws.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
I can do this all the time 've got so many much, so
many more to cover, but if youenjoyed this, uh, and you can
find what are you pitching?
Anything you want to plug,anything before we leave me.
Yeah no, I thought you meantpitch, uh no you want to plug
anything to the huge startingstand-up audience?
Speaker 3 (43:58):
um no, if anything, I'd like you to change my voice
and say I'm a different personcan you do that?
Speaker 1 (44:04):
no, I'm kidding I'm kidding.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
I'm so proud to be on this okay, good, well, I
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
And uh, I've got a wakanichi t-shirt, a do less
t-shirt, which is my uh mantrain life doing everyone's doing
too much, so um yeah thank you.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
Ripping storm's a ripping storm.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
How about some Bennery?
What the fuck is that Insidejoke All?
Speaker 3 (44:24):
right.
Is that your sign off?
Speaker 2 (44:26):
Yeah, a little bit, all right, work on that.
This is genius, all right.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Bye, bye now.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
See you next week, thank you.
Hello, welcome back to Starting Stand Up.
I'm whispering, I'm in thehallway of a hotel in Wellington
, new Jersey.
No, no, new Zealand, sorry,it's a little different.
I've been up for about I don'tknow 30 hours and about to
embark on a family vacationReally, I don't even know if you
(00:22):
could call it that Justvisiting my wife, who is here
for work, and I brought the kidsout.
It's our first night and theinternet's terrible and the
episode I thought I was going torelease is unlikely, if not
impossible, with the currentsnail pace.
(00:43):
So I'm going to re-release anepisode.
It's an episode where Iinterview my wife, and I thought
it was appropriate, now thatwe've got 10 days trapped with
our children and hopefullygathering lots of good material
(01:06):
for our stand-up and maybe evensome bonus material, I've got my
microphone.
Here in New Zealand, I'mliterally sitting outside of
someone's hotel room in thehallway because my children are
sleeping, and well, this is life, this is life.
(01:27):
So I guess I apologize for nothaving new material, but at the
same time, I don't.
And if you haven't listened tothis podcast, you know it's
getting a little taste, a littletaste of it right now, and if
(01:48):
you missed this episode, it wasa popular one and it's just me
and my wife talking about whyshe thinks how she thinks I can
be funny and really justpointing out all my flaws.
So here you go, a re-release ofme interviewing my wife.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Bye oh man, that's rubbish.
That's rubbish.
So I have you on the podcastmahondra, because I'm very
(02:35):
having a really hard timefiguring out what's wrong with
me.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
You know that I can make fun of what a thing.
What a way to start.
You can't find faults, none, oh, and so I've been like for
seven months.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I've been journaling and being like, trying to answer
the question what are my faults?
And I can't come up with anyare you serious?
Yeah, you clearly don't listento the podcast you've, uh,
you've come to the right placeyeah.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Okay, so is that what you need from me?
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
So I had this eureka moment as I sat down to record
this stormy Wednesday night andit's you know, the podcast is
coming out in a few hours and welike to fly by the seat of our
pants here at Starting Stand Up,and so I sent up the wife
signal and it was reallywonderful how quickly you
(03:25):
answered.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Well, you were like can you come here and point out
my flaws?
I was like can I come right now?
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, you really were .
You looked so excited.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Yeah, so here we go.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
First of all, do you think I'm likable?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Is that in your question?
Wow, are all the questionsgoing to be like fishing
questions?
Do you think I'm handsome?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Scale of 1 to 10.
How good looking, do you think?
Do you think I'm likable?
Do you think I'm funny?
Do you love me?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Okay, are you asking these questions?
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Do you still love me?
Oh my God.
Okay, here we go.
You have never seen me dostand-up.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
You have never listened to the podcast because
it's too uncomfortable, which Iunderstand.
First of all, correction youhave asked me not to go watch.
You do stand-up correct and youeven had.
We have a very dear friend incommon who is the reason I'm
surrounded by all this beautifulart in the room I'm in kevin
christie, kevin christie, and heeven sent me a by accident sent
me footage of you doingstand-up and you asked
immediately that I not watch itI felt shame correct.
(04:28):
My point is that you'reencouraging me not divorced him
after appearing because it wasbad?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
yeah, because it's like completely changes the
person.
I think they were dating, butit was uh, it's someone, you
know, I won't, I won't revealhim, but basically he was early
in his career, he had juststarted dating this girl and he
really wanted to be a stand-upand he brought her to a show and
he could see from okay.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Is he married to her now?
Yeah, yeah, okay, what does shedo?
Is she in the in the biz?
In the biz?
No, the show biz, exactly no.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So I think that's a different thing, yeah right,
you're used to me making acomplete fool of myself and
doing shameful things, so it'sit's what you're saying, is it
shouldn't be that big a dealalso.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
Just stand up is a very a holy grail of like balls
right, you so it's held to adifferent standard in this home
yes, yeah, you did.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
When I first said I was doing it, you, you did
respect it.
You started to respect me as ahuman for the first time.
So tell me, not knowing whatI'm already like, do you have
any ideas of what my personashould be and what are the areas
in which I could poke fun atmyself up there?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I think, and you know this is a tough.
This is tough because it'slayered, sure is.
I think one of the thingsthat's so amusing about you,
that made you stand out to me,was your obsession with being
likable, completely juxtaposedwith this like cruelty, like in
a funny way, you know, like youhave this 80s villain side to
(06:07):
you.
That's quite funny in myopinion, especially when you're
in tennis whites.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
You know, it's exactly.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Lena Dunham, the great Lena Dunham, was quoted.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Making this observation about you.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
She said I have never , and this is you know.
Wow, she said I have never andthis is you know.
Not the exact words, but it was.
I've never seen someone saysuch douchey things and make
them likable oh, thank you lana,I remember that.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Uh, I was on the show bent and I played kind of a
arrogant he was a, he was a goodguy, but I guess lana liked the
show.
I believe she said she wantedto marry me I said you can have
him.
You did actually, Didn't youtweet her?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
I'm also quite I'm not sure if it was bent.
Maybe she was a fired up fan.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
David, no, it was bent.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
But yeah, I think that that's what's so funny
about you is how like justdouble popped collar douchey guy
, one of your best friends, whatis your definition of a
douchebag?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Let's start there, because there's many different
ones and you often havedifferent definitions of words
than me.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Well, that's like a very douchey thing to say right
there.
I would say a douchebag, yourbrand of douchebag.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
What do you consider a douchebag?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
There's like a few things like a like, a weird like
put on deep voice.
You know, like you got to havelike the physical things right,
what's up, man?
Speaker 1 (07:31):
how you doing?
Speaker 3 (07:31):
yeah, you got to be like look a certain way, you
know, be like hey I want you toread at my wedding yeah, like
you know, to your best friendwho should be your.
Whatever the male version is,you're made of honor that chad
meme kind of yeah, chad tuckettchad tuckett yeah yeah but I'm
not chad tuckett am I?
Speaker 2 (07:50):
you're not but I think that part of you like is
making fun of it, and thenyou're slowly becoming it yeah,
well, I can certainly act like achad tuckett sometimes,
although the chad tucketts of myday were different than the
chad tucketts now.
It just seems like.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
Chad Tucket is proliferating.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
It's all of an evolution, yeah but it just
seems like it's everywhere.
You know bros Bros just beingso bro-y on video.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Yeah, it's like, this is what it is.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Bros in the past used to not ever want to videotape
themselves being bros, and noweveryone's just bro broing out,
almost like trying to be famous.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
You're just sounding like an old bro who doesn't
understand.
You know that things arechanging but you, just you.
You're like a person who myteeny, tiny, lacoste wearing
venezuelan cousins would watchin a movie and like try to
imitate.
Oh, you know thank you well,yeah, and, and you know, because
there's obviously a languagebarrier there, so they don't
(08:48):
realize that.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Jokes on them but yeah, yeah, you understand like
that definitely kind ofunderstand you really don't.
No, no, I mean, I get it in away, I do.
I understand now.
You said there's three parts todouchebag.
That's one right.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
so that's you know the, the voice, the, the way you
carry yourself, just for therecord, I want to say this is
really enjoyable.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Right now I'm very much enjoying this and from your
facial expression it seems likeyour experience is a complete
opposite.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
Well, one.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
I'm like in a corner in the room and I feel it's also
just, you know, in a room byyourself, I'm in your office and
you're at your office desk, soI'm not for anyone listening.
I'm not placed in your corner,no, but the exit is behind you.
Yeah, I am blocking your exitas.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
I'm describing why you're a douche.
You know it's dangerous, butyeah, so there's that.
That's the physical, that's howyou sound.
And then the thing of like.
You know, this is the thingabout Like, right, when you're
like what a douche, he knowswhen to like, sweeten up and get
like a cute twinkle in his eye,and you know.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Sincere.
Yes, he can switch betweendouchery and sincerity and
earnestness.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah.
So you're like, oh, is he justthe whole?
Oh, he's actually a reallygreat guy.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
I see, you know yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
And that you do very well.
It's very funny.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
It can.
Well, it's very funny, I canfluctuate.
Okay, that's interesting.
So, and is there a?
third element, or just sort ofthe body and then the, and then
the ability to elements, to adouchebag you know, but yeah but
I think it's overused at thispoint, to the point where I
don't know what it means right,right you know, it's sort of
like if you were to read a filmscript and be like you know,
jimmy, you know chad tuggettdouchebag there's's like the
Saturday Night Live version ofthat and then in many ways, all
(10:31):
dude, all sort of You're a.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Boston douchebag.
You're a Boston prep schooldouchebag.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's what, if I had to, you know three words in a
script.
I don't think you are David.
You look like you're about tocry, but that's when you let
yourself go there.
Sure it, when you let yourselfgo there.
It's very amusing.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Okay, great.
So it's how I landed you.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
I got you because of my douche.
No, I liked you because you hadsort of like a secret Dick Van
Dyke thing going on.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Oh, yeah, what was the dog you think?
Speaker 3 (11:04):
I'm like, yeah, marmaduke.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic
idiot.
No, marmaduke was lovely,didn't Marmaduke?
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Marmaduke, and then he's a clumsy, complete spastic
idiot.
No, marmaduke was lovely.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Didn't Marmaduke just completely trash houses him.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Well, it's just because he was so tall.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Oh, I think he was like a.
I think he was a complete mess.
I mean, right, I never reallysaw it, but he seemed to be
causing a tremendous amount ofproblems for his owner.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
Anyway, yeah, I just think he was in the wrong place.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
That Marmaduke thing I always was insulted by.
Speaker 3 (11:33):
But I let you keep saying it because I love you so
much.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
So anyway, no guy wants to be considered a
Marmaduke.
You know what I mean.
But there was another one.
It was Marmaduke.
And then what else?
What was the other?
Oh, Dick Van Dyke.
Dick Van Dyke.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Yes, because you just seem to me like you were gonna
be someone who's like wakes upand it's just like I'm so lucky
man, I'm, you know like, look atthis face, look at this body
that you know more or less.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I mean, come on, uh, and that thing of just like a
dick van dyke right, I didn'twatch dick, but he was just a
happy guy at a great age healways found.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
You know the comedy and things.
He was a comedy writer.
I think you you have it in youto be a celebratory guy, but you
feel like you don't earn it andthat's just not how it worked,
you know oh, you mean I, Iself-sabotage I think you feel
like shame in being happy withthings because it's like that's
not how, that's not how theprinceton boy, like you know
(12:28):
whatever the fuck gets great atrowing and it's like who cares.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
You mean?
You think I have to be in painin order, I believe I have to be
lashing myself and in psychicpain in order to succeed.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Yeah, I'm getting better at articulating your
thoughts with my words.
No no, I think it's reallyimportant, all kidding aside, to
be able to articulate what theother person is saying, because
a lot of times, Just another wayof no.
no, we have been in so many whatI would say avoidable arguments
, because I'm not doing that andI think you mean something, and
(13:03):
now I'm getting upset bysomething that I think you mean
and you didn't mean it.
And if I just made sure I wasreceiving information correctly,
most of the unpleasantnesscould be avoided.
And that is why this podcast ismorphing from a comedy podcast
to a relationship therapypodcast.
Mahandra say more.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I would like to say that say more is a wonderful
segue into.
We had a couples therapist whofired us.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
You say that I'm telling you David.
You're fired.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Not like that, because she's lovely and the
best there is out there, but shewas just like guys, it's the
same thing.
And she did say to you that youneed to say less.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yeah well, I'm happy to report that what our
therapist said 11 years ago it'sthe same thing I'm happy to
report is still the same thing,it's the same.
And that's the name of the newpodcast that we're launching,
the Same Thing Called, and we'llbe sharing our relationship
problems to the world, and thedigital universe will become our
(14:08):
therapy for free, hopefully,with sponsors now.
Um, that's a joke and workingon my jokes, you haven't laughed
.
I've noticed.
You haven't laughed once atanything.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
I'm saying I there you go.
You gotta laugh.
I I did read that.
That was like a thing beforeyou marry someone, like you know
how they're.
Like you're gonna see thisperson ill, they're gonna smell
whatever.
You always read the same thing,but it did say this one which
stood out was, like it said uh,the same recycled jokes, as you
(14:38):
know.
Another thing to pile on thereof just like wanting to murder
the person after a while yeah,and I thought that was very,
very profound and very true.
you know, when you're justalways hearing me say like the
same, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Marriage.
I mean, what is it 13 years now?
So it's like we, when we have alot of older couple friends you
know, and you can just see awife just like watching their
husband stick for the onethousand two hundred eighty
seventh time and just being likecompletely dead in the eyes
while everybody chuckles.
(15:08):
It's so funny to me it's sofunny and sad and tragic.
Moving on Whoa I had a littlechill.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
You got a tick suddenly Back to me.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Back to me.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
We haven't really gotten anywhere.
What you're trying to say is mypersona should be douchebag,
but I should keep people ontheir toes and get kind of real
and sensitive at times.
It's just so tricky because Iwould say, your persona should
be who you are, just usuallymost stand-ups.
Or they are who they are, justexaggerated a bit.
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Right, but like you don't, especially in this
climate, you don't want to goout there and be a fucking
monster.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
That's what I mean.
I mean like I could double popmy collar and I could roll out
there and be like what's up,bitches?
And then just be like I'm adouchebag, see it's not even
that guy.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
See, you're making him more masculine, not that
you're feminine, but meaningyou're making him like a
meathead.
This is not a meathead.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Oh, it's a non-meathead douchebag.
This is.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
You know, I have an, an $80 cream I use at night.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
A rich douchebag, exactly, okay.
Okay, we're getting somewhere,we're getting more specific with
him.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
He's not rich, right, but he looks up to that.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
He's rich enough.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
He's rich enough, but he's going to exude a top 1%,
he's going to get a two-door BMWthe minute his show gets picked
up Right, but he's going toexude top 1%.
He's going to exude top onepercent.
People are going to say are youa walmart walton?
And he's not going to deny it,even though he's not.
Yeah, you know I fear.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
You got you that's interesting, okay.
So you want me to be a richdouchebag?
Yeah, okay, on stage, and then.
So now how?
Speaker 3 (16:41):
it's not even you know what I'm talking about.
You don't have to.
Well, you can.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Look it's this is subtle thing we're talking about
a deep character here, but whatpeople are noticing, like Kevin
Christie, who we're going totalk about, who's give you the
artwork in your office, like hewas.
Like I did a comedy store openmic which I haven't shared with
anybody.
I think back on it and I shiverwith shame because I wrote the
(17:09):
whole five minutes in a car,like an hour before, and I was
just like yeah, like yeah, I'mgonna do this new thing on feces
, because that's what Kevin saidto do and I did this bit about
fecal filiacs and another wordfor fecal filiacs is being
German and I just startedripping on Germans.
I thought that was a prettygood joke and we did get a good
laugh right, but um, but it'slike, not authentic to like no,
and it was all absurd.
It was just this kind of like I.
(17:29):
I kept thinking of weird thingsto talk about that no one ever
talks about and everyone just islike looking.
It was all just about how yeah,it's just bombastic, yeah it's
just saying things that youdon't think anyone's ever heard
and thinking that'll be enough.
Anyway, my point is this Kevinafterwards was like dude, you
need to write jokes.
(17:50):
And I was like he was very niceabout it.
We had a nice dinner atCanner's, the famous deli in LA,
anyway, and he said and you maywant to cover up your arms.
Now, for those who don't know meor ever meet me, I have these
weird outsized arms, like, wheresometimes if I'm working out,
(18:11):
my arms get like as big as mylegs.
I look like some weirdchimpanzee and I remember one of
my nephews watching me playtennis.
He's like Uncle Dave looks likea chimpanzee and I was hunched
over, you know like.
And so I, he's like, coverthose arms up because it makes.
And it's like this weirdmysterious thing where I think
(18:32):
people want they don't.
They're not on your side whenyou get on stage, maybe at these
like family, these open mics,they're a little bit more, but
like people are judging youimmediately how you look and
they're gone.
Who is this guy?
I think he is.
This guy thinks he's funny, andsovin's point was like just
don't like.
Don't like, show off your bod inany way but then you see, you
(18:54):
know, eddie murphy rolls out ina skin-tight leather suit, just
looking so sexual and but he'ssuch, eddie murphy, but eddie,
and eddie and I are so similar.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
You know what I know, but like kevin christie is so
kevin christie right right he'snot this like malleable thing.
I mean he is because he's agreat actor of our time, but he
really does have like a personajust on his own.
And this is what I find sointeresting about you is that I
feel like there's the personathat you were brought up to feel
(19:26):
you have to do, which is alwayslike I, I'm gonna disarm you
and just prove that I'm just,we're just the loveliest, like
oh, like cocktail charm partyyeah, just like we're, you know,
barefoot and chill and uh, youknow.
But it's like then you're thesame guy that like walks down
the street on large font.
It's like, uh, homeless people,you know you love telling that
(19:47):
story because it was listen.
I'm a person who is obsessedwith homeless people and that
got me what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
it got you.
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (19:57):
because it was.
So.
It's like here's this guy who'sreally nice and is concerned
with you know, seeming nice andis nice, you know like, spends
his time being like a goodmarmaduke to everyone, but like
he just has, he feels put out byhomeless people, certain
situations.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I think everyone can relate to certain moods where
you're like no, you go theseventh homeless person asking
you for something you're like.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Okay, like you said you go, what am I supposed to do
?
Like do I stop?
Every time it was like aneurotic musing, but it's like
the opening line was oh,homeless, you know it just.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Yeah, it got you laughed.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
It made me laugh so hard.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
The cruelty.
I think you've always laughedat sort of accidental cruelty.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Yeah, because it's almost like a childlike cruelty.
Yeah, like when a kid is likethat guy's fat.
Yeah, and you're like Jesusyeah.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Yeah, and you're like Jesus, yeah, yeah, but in a
certain circumstance you're likeit's so pure of spirit, exactly
, and you did always think I wasa very earnest person who had a
good heart, you know.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yeah, which has changed dramatically.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Well, that's what's funny to me about you?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
is that you've?
Speaker 3 (21:04):
done such a great job of like imitating the douchey
like guy who, like on a dime,goes to golf in the bahamas with
bunch of guys from yale thatyou've like become.
I don't have the old friend goahead sorry, harvard, there you
go, um that you've kind ofbecome that guy.
You know what I mean.
So it's very funny to me likeyou have had full, like baby
fits in front of me, that Idon't pay enough attention to
(21:26):
you and that I'm mean to you andyou're like in full tennis
whites, you know yeah, I mean,but you're just so judgy of
tennis, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I love tennis but you , you, you, yeah, you're very
anti anyway.
Well, this isn't about you.
We can talk about you and onyour stand-up podcast, this is
about me.
We need to stay focused.
Um, so what have I learned?
Let's sum it up We've learnedit all.
Now I would say that I'm moreconfused now.
I don't know where we stand.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I don't know if I thought this was about your
stand-up comedy.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
No, it is, I'm just teasing, I'm just making dumb
jokes.
Okay, now I think Let me tellyou what I'm struggling with is
that you need something veryquick.
You know 30 seconds, hey, how'sit going?
Everybody, and in this first 30seconds you have to define who
you are and obviously you havethe visual thing helping.
So, if you have, but a lot ofpeople are just wearing
non-distripped clothes, right.
(22:19):
So you need you need to makethem laugh right away, and and
that that can easily happen.
When you just make some clevercomment about some reality in
the room, it could be the comicright before you said something
you had an idea to play off of,that.
You mention him and you get abig laugh, but you want to have
something in your quiver that isloaded, that's ready.
(22:42):
That isn't so environmentrelated.
That is generallyself-deprecating and it just
gives the audience this feelingof okay, that was a good joke,
that's funny.
This guy doesn't take himselfseriously.
He's laughing at himself.
It's okay to laugh at him andit really lubes everyone up to
have a good time and it doesshow that you're a professional
and it and it, and if you looknow at almost all started
(23:06):
stand-up.
They do everyone, they all doit.
They all do it immediately.
You know they just, they justsay something that somehow
deprecates themselves and sumsup their style, and so that's
what we're searching for, that'swhat I'm asking for help on.
It's not necessarily a vibe anda persona yet, because that is
not something you really choose.
In a weird way, the audiencethis is the advice I've been
(23:26):
given by many people theaudience kind of chooses that
for you and a lot of timesthat's a surprise.
Yeah, what they respond to yeah,and what you start to lean into
because you're like, oh, theyreally like it when I'm like
this guy or that, or more crassor less, or nerdy or whatever
you know, you start to form andyou don't want to pick some
persona before it organicallykind of developed.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Right, but you're in the process right now of having
you know you're trying on a fewdifferent things.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, I mean, I would say every time I get up there
and I haven't been publicizingthem.
I haven't been publishing theseopen mics because I'm a little.
There's a part of me that justwants to like, kind of show you
guys a longer.
I sort of have all this chapterof prior in the spring, a long
break, and now we're back withmore knowledge and we're doing
(24:13):
them and I want to get them alittle tighter before I share
them.
But anyway, this is all to saythat I'm really searching for
this self-deprecation that cankind of set the tone, and what
I'm doing now is there is quitea lot of dirty not dirtiness
like blue, but it's an honesty.
(24:34):
It's just shit, yeah, just shitand piss.
No, there's an old, yeah.
If it comes.
If it comes out of a hole,don't talk about it.
If it goes into a hole, you cantalk about it.
I think that's the rule.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
But any hole can take it right.
Well, that's a great point.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
But you know what I?
Mean the right spirit, Likepiss and shit is not going to be
funny, but sex is very.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Oh, I see what you.
Or anal sex, very clean sex,got it.
Or mouth sex.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
So, so anyway.
So that's what I'm searchingfor and I'm so physically, what
do you think I could?
I have a lot of ear growth,hair growth, you know that kind
of stuff.
Oh, make fun of yourselfphysically, that's so stupid.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
David, but it's not, everybody does it, it's like
Brooke Shields getting up there,you know, or whatever.
Like me, like my nose hair,like look, you're at a deficit
because of the way you look,okay, okay, and keep going.
For you to, for you to get upthere and be self-deprecating
and wear a fucking flannel andbe like I have ear hair and like
I have to hide my beautifularms, like it's so stupid of
(25:36):
course people are gonna hate you.
I would fucking throw somethingat you if I was another dude.
Okay, well, that's as a girl.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
They're gonna fucking throw something at you if I was
another dude, okay, well,that's as a girl, they're gonna
throw their underwear at you, socongratulations.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
But you don't have to do stand-up for that um so I
would try just once and this iswhat's tough, because this is
what I find funny about you andI don't know that this is
universally- funny, tell me islike you get up there.
Like what's his face?
Just like a touch of americanpsycho like bateman patrick
bateman it's the greed is goodera.
(26:06):
It's like that some I can'texplain.
When you just tap into that alittle, when you, when you know
that that's in the sauce thatmade this douchebag, it's just
so funny to me.
I mean, maybe that's what it isis like look, you are
personally annoyed with how muchyou have to be careful.
You know you may, he loves tojoke.
Millions of people are no, no,no, I know, but like you look
(26:28):
right, but that doesn't annoyexactly, so that that's there.
You go there, there are yourpeople.
But like you can, like I willsay something about my own
people and get like a weird lookwhere I'm like of course,
because people are so nervousthey don't want to laugh and I'm
like, no, no, I'm allowed tosay that, whatever right right,
right who are your people, againthe hispanic latins yes, so
(26:50):
like even when you like to dothis interview with an accent
for the rest of the way, can I?
Speaker 2 (26:54):
but can you get a little bit?
Speaker 3 (26:55):
no, no, do a little bit I'm doing an accent of your
people no, I know, but can Ireally talk like this?
At least this is how I normallytalk, no, but like you'll say,
my immigrant wife to people thatused to get a laugh and now it
doesn't as much people you arean immigrant, I know yeah, but
my point you understand, somaybe that's what your thing
could be.
It's just like a guy up therewearing pete's fashion, you know
(27:17):
pete's fashion is a is made tomeasure tay.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
that would come into LA and we would all go get sport
coats for less than you couldbuy.
And, like I don't know, brooksBrothers was a screaming deal
because the tailors in Hong Kongobviously are, you know do not
have good working conditions.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
David, that right, there is your log line.
I mean, from comparing pricesto Brooks Brothers, to sports,
that you were in your 20s?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Yeah, well, I was a bachelor in Los Angeles, and you
know, look, everyone knows thatdressing properly and well,
like an adult and not a collegestudent, is going to help get
you laid and so and it's goingto make you feel good.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Just so not true in LA.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
No it did, though Everyone was getting so much
action because you didn't knowthe other alternative.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
You never even tried to wear just a normal t-shirt.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
We were what would you call?
We were what you'd call like aneast coast expats boarding
school kids los angeles.
For those who've never livedthere, uh is is a weird, weird
place that attracts just thiswide swath of some of the lowest
level people you've ever metdesperate and sad and and and
valueless, but also incrediblepeople, extremely creative,
(28:32):
smart, fun and in the early daysyou're wandering around and
you're just like everyone feelscreepy.
I got nothing in common withany of these people.
And and then you find you knowsome people who maybe grew up on
the East Coast and, you know,went to boarding schools and so
we started hanging out.
And then you're like, oh, Ifeel like I now have a crew.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Exactly, and the irony is, for most women, a crew
of expat boarding school guysthat are buying sports coats
from the Beverly HiltonIncredibly attractive.
Couldn't be more dangerous ofexpat boarding school guys that
are buying sports coats from thebeverly hilton incredibly
attractive couldn't be moredangerous and feel more creepy
that's now.
But no, no, oh, david, oh mygod back then no, but anyway,
the point is, your group isincredibly attractive but also
(29:14):
really sweet.
That's, that is the david waltonpond right, there's a
douchiness, there's a uh-oh,there's a, for sure, one of
these guys put something in mydrink and it's like no one put
anything in your drink.
No, they're all sweet, they'reall vulnerable.
They're all journaling.
And they're all going to cry.
One's going to cry by the endof the night, telling everybody
(29:36):
else how much they love.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Yes, yes, a lot of love, a lot of love, some
ecstasy, but mostly non-ecstasy.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Yeah, there was so much emotion.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
Yeah, a lot of just being in touch with.
But I have noticed that, not todigress, that men are
increasingly comfortableexpressing their love for one
another.
The bro love is very deep outthere and that's a new thing,
that's a beautiful thing that Iencourage and and like to see
just men hugging, telling themeach other that they love them.
We were kissing each other onthe cheek back in in early 2000
(30:11):
and that's now much moreubiquitous, but I felt like we
were early adopters of that andum, even though the italians
have been doing it well.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah, I was just gonna say my, my people, the men
, kiss each other and they crymore, yeah, yeah.
So look, I'm gonna take creditfor everything.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
We're first, first movers on an enormous amount of
things.
We've set a lot of trends inmotion um, just in a short
couple years.
So is that more of the vibethat you think I should be going
for on stage?
Speaker 3 (30:36):
it's kind of a delusional, arrogant douchebag,
or or maybe it's just like anaging out douche, like meaning
you are frustrating but do youknow what I'm saying?
Like it's, it's more that thingof railing against what.
Like what you're allowed to say, what you're not allowed to say
, what you're allowed to do Ithink there's a lot of people
that you could speak for yeah noand I know a lot of people do
(30:57):
that, but it is coming from um,that boarding school sect is
very special
Speaker 2 (31:01):
yeah, we have digressed, but this is helpful
to me because I think ultimatelyI have to speak about that.
Like you know, people,ultimately if I'm going to put
together, let's say, an hour ofmaterial, you're going to talk
about your life and I gotta mindthe comedy of sort of this
boarding school sect and whatprep school is.
There's a lot that can beshared that is funny with the
(31:22):
world, I think oh yeah, I meanyou.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
You can just start your set explaining to people
what fucking boarding school isyeah, but they won't laugh, I
think no, no no, but meaningit's just like setting it up
yeah and then you know in you go, I have no idea who.
Who the fuck am I to say?
But my point is so I I want toI want to in an ode to val.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
This is a shout-out to Val, who's the manager of the
comedy cellar in New York.
She got attacked violently atthe 42nd Street Times Square
station and recently there's aGoFundMe for her, so I will put
the link to her GoFundMe in thispodcast.
Not that anyone knows Val, butI would love it if people donate
(32:02):
any any amount for her healthcare bills that are going to be
extensive, but anyway, val hadsaid something to me when, as a
advice and she knows you knowshe's good friends with Amy
Schumer, she knows everybody andshe was like just write down
your life facts and write themdown, the most boring ones, just
write them all down, and so Idid, and I'm just going to list
(32:23):
them for you, okay, oh boy Okay.
One of seven kids grew up inBoston, but not the famous
Boston for movies, the suburbsuburb boring Boston.
All my sisters are all Americanathletes not all but two of the
four, and the other ones werevery good, um, you know,
all-star high school athletes.
My parents are not goodathletes.
I grew up in a huge house.
It felt normal.
(32:44):
Kids just don't understand.
Um, I hit puberty summer afterninth grade.
I was really skinny as a kid.
I wish I was.
I always wished I was strongerand bigger.
Uh, girls terrified me.
It was an all boys school, sogirls always terrified me until
I started going to school withthem.
Um, but I wanted them so bad.
I liked the girls that wereadvanced, you know, like I liked
(33:05):
girls that can you say thissluts.
Can you say that word?
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Or just like fast, I guess.
Yeah, I like fast.
I thought you meant likeintellectually advanced.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
No, no, I meant fast.
I was always like why are thesemy friends making fun of this
girl for putting out like that'sso exciting?
Then you don't have to dealwith all this like neuroses
about sex.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, it didn't make sense tome.
Yeah, no, no.
No comment from her.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
No, I just don't understand neuroses about sex
when you're young enough to nothave neuroses?
You were huge.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
Early early I went to Jeez early, early, early I went
to.
Um, I went to brown, which isan ivy league school, but I was
ashamed because it wasn'tharvard, yale or princeton, it
was what me and my friends wouldcall it the ghetto ivy, because
our, our uh, endowment was sosmall compared to all the other
ivy league schools.
Um, my sisters were all goodytwo-shoes and I felt enormous
(34:01):
pressure to be good as well,like not break rules, not do
drugs, not do all that stuff.
Um, so I felt like I was reallyletting them down.
When I first started smokingcrack.
That was actually a joke that Iwrote in.
That's not true.
I haven't smoked crack.
I would probably do it in theright circumstance.
It's been a misunderstood,misunderstood drug.
Um, my dad was born in 1940.
(34:21):
My mom was born in 1940.
My mom was born in 1944.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
These are just facts.
Are you bored?
No, the crack thing.
I just don't think there's anycircumstances where that's not
going to be a bummer.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
We'll talk about that off the line.
You're going to want more rightaway.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That's the beauty of crack.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I'll pitch a book that is called Drug Use for
Grownups and it's by Dr Hart andit's an excellent book.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Does he talk about crack 100%?
Oh, okay, well, I've got toread that chapter.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
He's the head of neuropharmacology at Columbia, a
top, top professor who is openabout his heroin use and he does
it without any ill effect onhis life.
Anyway, really interesting bookand will make you rethink drugs
.
Okay, so my parents weremarried.
I think she was 27.
It was my mom's second marriageand she already had two kids
and she was only 26.
(35:04):
I never got spanked, but Ifound out this weekend that my
sister and brother did from mydad.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Spanked.
Yeah, like put over the kneeand spanked my oldest sister.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Yeah, and my brother.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
How demeaning.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
Yeah, and I never did so.
Clearly something changed.
My dad had a huge temper, likea scary temper, um, but he's a.
He's a lovable teddy bear.
Uh, I worked as a mani for asix-year-old boy in Hyannisport,
right next to the Kennedycompound.
I first job was deliveringnewspapers.
I've worked at a camp counselor, done construction for a summer
, waited tables, taught us ATs.
(35:40):
I sold knives for Cutco.
I've done some extra work on aPeter Gallagher movie, played
baseball and hockey for my town.
I played tennis, golf andsailed and skied.
High school I played soccer,hockey and I rode College.
I rode for one year.
I was in a sketch comedy troupein college with the famous John
Krasinski and many otherscalled Out of Bounds.
I was in an improv group calledspit in high school, st paul's
(36:03):
improv theater, and I moved tonew york city after college to
make it as an actor.
It's interesting, as I say,those facts.
You get this little tickle thatthere's something there to make
you know, there's, there'sthings there, you know, and I
think val this is an ode to val,uh, who, uh, we're thinking
about is.
Is that's?
That's what she's going for?
Is that?
Sometimes simple facts areinteresting to people.
(36:23):
They just want to know somelittle thing about you.
And then, what is your riff onthose things, do you agree?
Speaker 3 (36:29):
I do Well, at least things that people find
interesting, that they don'tknow necessarily much about.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
Yeah, like any of those things, does any of them
pop out as an area ofexploration?
Speaker 3 (36:41):
Well, I only know none of those things.
Would I any of them pop out asan area of exploration?
Well, I only know none of thosethings.
Would I personally be like,wait, tell me more?
No, no, because they're notthat that you know foreign to me
.
But I have marveled at howpeople respond to hearing that
you went to boarding school yeahthey think it's a punishment
which is wild right you knowthat's an interesting thing.
I mean it's crazy the way peoplerespond to that.
(37:02):
You know that's an interestingthing.
I mean it's crazy.
The way people respond to thatand the way people respond to
your height is like shocking.
You know, it's just notsomething that I would consider
until now, I know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of mining.
A fun story would be when thatdoctor felt my balls and told me
I had many more years of really, really aggressive growth?
Speaker 3 (37:23):
yeah, I won't, yeah, not there, just in height not
there, unfortunately, just inheight the balls were already
huge.
The balls.
Speaker 2 (37:30):
No, the balls were so small.
He was basically like you, I, Iwent.
The story goes like this andI'll say it anyway.
I went from five foot four tosix'0 in one year and so that's
8 inches.
And he felt my 8-inch dick andhe said you've got a lot more
years of growth now.
That's not true.
He pulled my pants down and helooked at my balls and he said
(37:54):
you've grown 8 inches.
And he didn't say based on yourballs, but I knew that's what
he was thinking You've got a fewmore years of this kind of
growth.
And he goes.
I'm looking at a minimum of sixfoot seven, most likely six
foot ten and potentially sevenfeet, and I started crying.
I was a hockey player.
I sucked at basketball.
I immediately envisioned myselfas a freak with like narrow
(38:17):
shoulders who looked like ManuteBall and would never get laid
and it it really, really made meupset, and so I got in the car.
I was crying all the way home.
I'm a 12 year old boy.
I'm a 13 year old boy.
I can't remember, and my mom islike comforting me and she's
like you know you, just all yougot to do is start smoking a ton
of pot and you'll be fine.
It's not your growth.
I just added that joke.
(38:37):
You don't see that?
Okay, perfect example.
If I was writing, I'd be like,yeah, I'll do a little bit about
my mom telling me to smoke pot.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Honestly, that's like something my mother would have
said, so I was like trying tosuss out.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
No, no, but so I say that joke and I look at you and
it's for those listening at home, it's just stone faced and I'm
like, is this one of thosethings where I've said this joke
before because I didn't thinkit was bad, I thought it was
worthy of like a at least atickle of a smile, or something
I got excited for.
Speaker 3 (39:03):
A second thought that your mom yeah see, that's your
issue yeah, you're too close toit.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I know you guys at home are laughing your ass off,
uh, anyway.
So the point I'm trying to makeis that's a story that you can
milk and it's and it's, and it'ssomething that is
self-deprecating and I could getinto, as, as a look, I've
always been insecure about myheight.
I know it's crazy to sayeveryone wants to be tall, but
being tall sucks, and I couldtalk about the various ways it
sucks.
(39:27):
You know.
You know your dick lookssmaller just relative to your
body.
Your, your knees hit theairplane seat uh you can't go.
You're spoon with anyone youcan't spoon, you can't 69, you
can't well, you can 69.
Speaker 3 (39:41):
It just can get awkward no, you have to
literally do a 69 in like acrunch.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
Yeah, yeah, I'm constantly contracting and then
because I, I mean, I you knowsix, love six, and so make it
work, but uh, yeah, you'd haveto be on.
Speaker 3 (39:55):
It's really complicated.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah, no, I mean, I haven't done it in 14 years, but
it's, I love it, you know, anduh, oh, I was just looking at
your face, looking justimagining you and krasinski in
costa rica just 69ing.
I did go on a vacation with justme, and that's for another time
, but anyway, um.
So my point I'm trying to makeis there's a run of jokes.
(40:18):
You know we're we're riffinghere, but there's, I think, what
I'm going to come away becauseit's it's time, it's over, uh,
and will you come back on theshow?
Has this been a pleasantexperience?
Speaker 3 (40:28):
sure you can have a do less t-shirt.
It's a real undertaking whatyou're doing, david, yeah it is.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
It really is.
No, it's a long journey, butit's very impressive and really
challenging yep and um.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
I'm so anxious right now for you.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
Oh, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
No, it's just listen it's no joke.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
No, but the stakes.
I mean, look if I, if I spendfive years doing this.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Yes, the stakes aren't real to anybody else, but
it's just like it's.
So it's just such a tough sortof thing to at first like
understand and land on you.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yeah yeah, it's already in failure.
It's I think it's.
It's very fascinating.
It's really hard.
It sucks that you have to goand wait at open mics for an
hour and a half and drive and godo them like I wish.
I think I'm going to sign upfor like a comedy camp and I
know I was warned not to dothese, but but there's one in LA
(41:20):
, oh.
God, no, no, not a camp, butlike one where you can just get
you know tons of reps and havepeople around.
But if you were recommended notto do it, then that means no,
that's just two people, by theway and the truth is I need, I
know what I need and I need tobe around people and I need to
be in it and immersed.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Right.
To be forced to be writing allthe time and performing all the
time.
This isn't like golf camp, no.
I know this might just be likegoing to LA for an extended
period of time and hanging out.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
Just relax.
Speaker 3 (41:52):
With comedians.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Anyway.
So but yeah, this has been veryhelpful.
I like that I read through thefacts.
There's some things that Irealized that I can go try out
and we can keep building on it.
But you know, I think my heightis definitely something that
would seemingly not beself-deprecatable, because
people want to be tall, but I'mlike right on the edge of too
(42:15):
tall I really am.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
You are.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
And sometimes I feel like a giraffe.
I look at a picture.
I'm like I look like ManuteBull and it's like when I'm and
especially on.
I did this show called PowerGhost and my boy, gianni, is
shorter than me and like we hadone scene and people were just
like holy shit, it's like Giannilooks like this yoked MMA
fighter.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
And I look like I'm going to blow away in the wind.
Yeah, you're like a fuckingreed.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Yeah, it's just like.
Yeah, it just sucks, you know.
So I still have insecuritiesabout my height and I got to
figure out a way to you know, to.
Just maybe that's a good way tostart.
And then the vibe, the persona.
That's stuff that I'll wait on,but I'll certainly experiment
with coming out with a bit moreof an arrogant vibe.
Let's just call it that for thesake of the douchebag.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
More arrogant, more like owning it and more like you
know what this is my stage andlike I'm going to go.
But you know, I'll just test itbecause, why not?
That's what you got to do.
Yeah, we'll see, we'll see, I,we'll see, we'll see.
I hope you enjoyed this.
I really do.
Thank you, mahondra.
As much as we struggle to havea conversation with our kids
(43:29):
around, it's so annoying I thinkwe may have found a way to
actually have a fun, substantiveconversation.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
We just try to find your flaws.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
I can do this all the time 've got so many much, so
many more to cover, but if youenjoyed this, uh, and you can
find what are you pitching?
Anything you want to plug,anything before we leave me.
Yeah no, I thought you meantpitch, uh no you want to plug
anything to the huge startingstand-up audience?
Speaker 3 (43:58):
um no, if anything, I'd like you to change my voice
and say I'm a different personcan you do that?
Speaker 1 (44:04):
no, I'm kidding I'm kidding.
Speaker 3 (44:05):
I'm so proud to be on this okay, good, well, I
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
And uh, I've got a wakanichi t-shirt, a do less
t-shirt, which is my uh mantrain life doing everyone's doing
too much, so um yeah thank you.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
Ripping storm's a ripping storm.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
How about some Bennery?
What the fuck is that Insidejoke All?
Speaker 3 (44:24):
right.
Is that your sign off?
Speaker 2 (44:26):
Yeah, a little bit, all right, work on that.
This is genius, all right.
Speaker 1 (44:29):
Bye, bye now.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
See you next week, thank you.
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