Please Remember to Pick Up Milk, So I Can Remember My Sanity

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The mental load women carry goes far beyond physical tasks—it's about the constant awareness of household needs that partners often don't share. When women ask for more balance, they're not just seeking help with chores but asking why they alone must keep track of everything from doctor appointments to toothpaste levels.

• Mental load involves thousands of small tasks occupying women's minds constantly
• "Ask for help" misses the point—women want partners to notice needs without prompting
• Remembering one household need per day would make a tremendous difference to partners
• Even households with traditional gender roles need clear boundaries around responsibilities
• Having a partner who notices something before you do feels remarkably freeing
• Second topic explores whether it's offensive to be invited to celebrations but not regular gatherings

I appreciate you all being with me today, and I will catch you on the next one. Take care.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
That's the Stale Roses Podcast.
This podcast was created forwomen by women to elevate
women's voices.
Um, I hope everyone's having afabulous week.
I have two thought starters foryou today, both on Pinterest.
I really need to just put thepodcast on Pinterest now that
I'm thinking about this outloud.
I need to get on that becauseI'm oh that's like one of my
faves.
It's my favorite one to scrollat night when I'm vegging out,

(00:22):
clearly, because I always get mythought starters here.
I really need to just startputting still roses there.
Um, I'll go back to you on that.
Okay, so two thought starters.
Now, the first one, uh, theoriginal poster talks about how
she, you know, quite often willpost things about women's mental
health and the mental load ofbeing a mother and a wife and
all and all that jazz.

(00:43):
And then in her post, she saysthat she quite frequently will
get comments from men that say,Well, you need to ask for help.
If you ask for help, we wouldhelp you.
And then it wouldn't feel likeit was such a burden for you.
The response there though, fromthe woman is, well, but why do I
have to ask you for help?
Now think about it like this.
Now, I have said before, ask forhelp when you need help.

(01:03):
I have talked about that quite abit because I have a hard time
with that.
That's its own thing.
Yes, raise your hand when youneed help.
If you're struggling withsomething, you need an extra set
of hands.
Yes, absolutely.
That's not the point of this.
The point of this is like alayer deeper.
In the woman's mind, sheautomatically assumes
responsibility for makingdoctor's appointments,
potentially paying bills.

(01:23):
I know, like, I do that part bychoice.
But beyond that, like I know, Iknew at the end of last week
laundry was in a bad situation.
I knew I had to get a bunch ofloads of laundry done this
weekend.
You know, six hours later, thekids have closed for school on
Monday.
I know we're running out oftoothpaste in the house, and
then I have to go pick some upat BJ's.
I know that I forgot to get dishsoap at the store this weekend.

(01:45):
So I can't wash any dishes.
Everything has to go in thedishwasher.
I have to mentally check that inmy head.
Jenny, you need dish soap.
Um, let me think.
What else is there?
Oh, we ran out of allergymedicine.
No one else is thinking aboutthis.
I'm thinking about it.
I have to get allergy medicine.
There's this laundry list ofthings that occur to women that
click into our head of, oh, Ihave to make sure I get this
done.

(02:06):
Because we notice pretty mucheverything.
Everything in our littlehemisphere we're aware of and
we're aware of we need tomaintain, we keep momentum.
What's missing, what needs help,what where do we have to put
more effort into?
That's the mental load part.
It's not so much the, oh, whydon't you help me?
Help me.
I'm gonna have to ask you tohelp me with the laundry.
It is that, but it's so muchmore because it's every single

(02:28):
little thing that goes on thatsticks in our brain of, oh, I
have to get these things donewhen you have a perfectly
capable partner right next toyou that is not paying attention
to any of these things becausehe knows he or she knows you're
doing it.
So that mental space in theirbrain is not being taken up by
these thousands of little tinytests that you have to remember.

(02:48):
That's the mental load.
You can raise your hand and say,Hey, I need some help with the
laundry.
Can you help me fold it?
Which, if any of your husbandsfold laundry, God bless, because
that's awesome.
Um, you know, it's it's thosethousands of little things that,
you know, pile up in our headsbecause it's a lot of pressure
for us because we know if itruns out, everyone's gonna turn
to us and say, Well, it ran out.
Having that other person, yourpartner, be present and

(03:11):
accounted for is such a bigfreaking deal and takes so much
damn pressure off.
I mean, the times when myhusband remembers something or
sees something before I do andhe actually actions on it, holy
hell, even if it's just onething, I'm like immediately
grateful because it pulls onelittle, one little hair of

(03:31):
things off my plate.
Like, it's amazing.
If there was just more of that,you know, the brain space that
would free up in my brain wouldbe astounding.
So it's not about raise yourhand and ask for help or
everything.
It's more about why are youassuming that the responsibility
is falling to me?
And especially in this day andage when majority of households,
if not all households, have twopeople working, because you

(03:55):
cannot, you can no longer leanon the fact, like, oh, well,
you're home.
This is your job.
Don't get offended that I justsaid that, everybody.
But you know what I mean.
Full-time stay-at-home moms,that's that is their full-time
mom.
That's a huge job.
It's a job.
Like that, I we can't cut thatany other way.
It is a freaking job.
But again, like if even so, buteven so, I might like take that

(04:17):
step back a little bit.
Okay, fine.
If the household and maintainingthe household and running
everything at home is this uhthe stay-at-home person's job,
let's call it the job.
They're stuck there all day.
And uh nine times out of ten,they may not leave because
there's so much stuff to bedone.
And if that's the case, thenyou, the person who has left the

(04:38):
house to go to work, why can'tyou remember to pick up the
milk?
Why can't you remember?
Oh, you know what, this morningI remember when I was eating
breakfast, I noticed that theegg container was was, you know,
like running out.
Just pick up eggs.
Like it's not that difficult toreally like step up.
And it's these simple tasks, theminutiae tasks, that I think
would make a world of differenceto your partner if you just do

(05:00):
like maybe even if it's just onea day.
Remember one thing a day.
I mean, it's insane.
And I know I'm preaching to thewrong audience here with this.
I'm sure you're all like noddingalong.
And I'm not saying this to causeany trouble.
Believe me, my husband doesn'tremember any of these things.
This is all on me for the forthe majority of it.
But he remembers a lot of thingsthat I don't.

(05:22):
There are car registrations.
I don't even pretend I'm gonnaremember that.
I flat out tell him that's yourjob.
Cleaning the cars and themaintenance on the cars.
Again, I've just I've said itbefore.
We have a very like um 1950skind of household where he
handles the quote unquote malejobs and I hold handle the quote
unquote female jobs.
I know you're all appalled rightnow.
I apologize, but actually, Idon't apologize.

(05:44):
I made this choice consciously.
But I make it a point to say,like, no, no, no, this is the
line here, taking a millionthings and you're only taking a
thousand, but you are keepingthat thousand.
I'm not taking any of that back.
So it's just a thought there.
Like, men always seem to get ita little bit twisted.
Like it's not so much like Ineed to ask you for help.
Why can't why can't you justnotice these little things and
then step up and do it?

(06:05):
Not a big deal.
So that's one thing.
I went on a bit of a rant there,which I guess I was really
bothering me.
So I wanted to make sure I gotthat out.
Now, the other thing that I hadpulled down that I wanted to
talk to you about, which I kindof forgot.
So I need to just do a littlescroll.
Oh, here it is.
Okay.
Is this a little bit likeunpopular opinion?

(06:25):
I'd really like to heareveryone's thoughts on this.
The other post I saw was fromsomebody that said, do not
invite me to home warmingparties, wedding showers, baby
showers, etc., if you don'tinclude me on cookouts, coffee
breaks, weddings, ladies'nights, or other gatherings.
It is incredibly offensive topresume someone wants to dish
out a lot of money on your lifemilestones without actually

(06:46):
including them in your lifeprogression.
I am curious about everyone'sthoughts on this.
Is it offensive to receive,let's say, like the baby shower
invitation from a cousin thatyou don't talk to?
Do you find that offensive?
I don't feel that way.
I know, you know, everyone'skind of role, everyone's role
basically in my life and howthings are.
So I don't necessarily expect tobe involved in the day-to-day.

(07:08):
And I'm more so like, oh, I'm sohappy for you.
You have this great milestone.
Of course, I would love to comeand celebrate that with you.
Now, I guess if it was somebodythat you haven't spoken to in
years, perhaps that would feel alittle bit off, and I think it
should.
But, you know, I'm curious toknow how you all feel about that
and if you think it isoffensive.
Now, there's people in ourfamily that, you know, I don't

(07:30):
talk to, but I, you know, we getinvited to, you know, we the
kids' birthday parties.
I like that.
I appreciate that they even sentthe invitation.
Like, I can't go because I'mreally far.
But I appreciate that youextended the invite because you
know what?
It would kind of it would botherme if I was didn't even get the
thought, like to be included.
Um, because on the off chancethat I can go, I would go.

(07:51):
Um so just kind of food forthought there.
I'd be curious to hear whateveryone's opinions are on that.
Um again, hope you're all havinga great week.
I appreciate you all being withme today, and I will catch you
on the next one.
Take care.