July 29, 2025 • 10 mins
Have you ever caught yourself trying to "fix" something about your child that isn't actually broken? That's exactly what happened when my introverted son wanted to leave a crowded pool party early, triggering a profound parenting realization that stopped me in my tracks.
This deeply personal episode explores the reflexive ways we sometimes pathologize our children's perfectly normal personality traits. As an extrovert who thrives in social settings, I initially struggled when my son withdrew from a boisterous birthday celebration. My immediate instinct was troubling: something must be wrong, this needs correction, therapy might help him "cope better" with crowds. But through reflection and conversation with my husband (who revealed he was exactly the same as a child), I experienced a pivotal parenting awakening.
The truth was blindingly simple yet profound – there was nothing wrong with my son not enjoying large, rowdy gatherings. His ability to recognize his discomfort and clearly communicate his boundaries demonstrated emotional intelligence many adults lack. The real issue wasn't his behavior but my apologetic framing of it to others, as if his personality represented a deficiency rather than a perfectly valid way of experiencing the world.
This episode cuts to the heart of a universal parenting challenge: discerning when to push our children beyond comfort zones versus when to honor their authentic selves. How do we support growth while respecting innate temperament? Where's the line between encouraging social skills and forcing conformity to our own expectations? As we navigate these questions together, I'd love to hear your experiences with similar parenting crossroads. How have you learned to celebrate your child's authentic personality, even when it differs from your own?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Everybody.
This is Steel Versus Podcast.
This podcast was created forwomen, by women, to elevate
women's voices.
I have a very special guestwith me today who wants to help
welcome you to the show.
Welcome to podcast.
I hope you're having a greatsummer.
Thank you so much.
So I have like a whole list ofthings that I'm going to go over
(00:21):
with you all, but I wanted toyou know, first and foremost,
reiterate I hope everyone'shaving a great summer.
The funny thing that's happeningnow that I'm hitting like end
of July, all the moms are kindof coming out of like the summer
haze of hiding and being likeare you surviving?
How are you surviving?
Are you okay?
And I kind of love it.
So I wanted to tell everyoneabout that.
(00:42):
Don't feel bad.
Basically, if you're a mom andyou haven't texted another mom
friend in you know months orweeks or whatever it is, because
nine times out of 10, your momfriend is also drowning and we
just like to you know we needthe camaraderie and we're going
to commiserate with each otherand you could pretty much text
your mom friends at any point intime and say, hey, I'm drowning
(01:04):
, oh my God, and just kind of gooff.
I know that's how I feel, soI'm assuming that, like, other
women feel the same way.
And you know, don't be shy toreach out.
You know it is what it is.
So, end of July, almost August,it's wild Like I feel, like I
blinked and the summer has justgone.
Now.
I'm saying that now, but in twoweeks, summer camp ends and the
(01:27):
kids will be home for the lasttwo weeks of August straight.
I'm mildly prepared for it.
I'm very grateful this yearbecause I do have a really
phenomenal team that I work with.
I'm a current company and mymanagement team is phenomenal
and I just really feel supportedthis year and very much like
I'm included and you know, likemy work matters and that that's
(01:52):
a huge deal for me and I thinkthat that's a huge deal for most
, most people.
So I'm very grateful for thatthis year.
Now on to the topic fordiscussion.
I'm working this out in my head, so I'm going to say it out
loud and I'm probably going totalk it through in some circles.
But I wanted to do this becauseit's a mistake that I made as a
mom and I think it's a mistakeand so I'm trying to course
(02:14):
correct.
So, as you hear me talking.
I'd be very interested if anyof you have any opinions about
what I'm going to share and anyadvice.
I will take advice 110%.
So I am soliciting advice atthis point in time.
So I have three kids and one ofmy kids is, I guess, introverted
in a way, very friendly andoutgoing in the right settings,
(02:39):
but when it becomes a reallylarge group setting they clam up
and they really seem to getuncomfortable and like they
don't want to be around.
Now, I'm not like this.
I don't have this issue.
As you can all tell, I reallythrive in large settings.
I don't mind, you know, jumpingright in the mix with people.
I could pretty much sit downand talk with anybody and find a
(02:59):
common ground to discuss and,like you know, shoot the crap
about.
But one of my kids is not likethis and so it's.
I was at a and he was veryexcited to go and he was excited
to see all his buddies andeverything.
And then, once we got there,there was about 15 or maybe 20
(03:21):
boys there.
I knew a majority of them fromschool and sports and what have
you, and I knew a majority ofthe parents and everything.
But I also knew as soon as Iwalked up that my son was
feeling intimidated.
I could just sense the energyon him.
But I tried to just brush itoff and, you know, kind of
encourage him to join in.
You know, get in the pool, havefun, go and play.
(03:42):
He attempted, but then he, Icould just see and I was
watching from the side.
You know, I was sitting on theside of the pool with the other
mothers and I'm just talking,but I just kept an eye on him to
make sure he was okay and hejust kind of stayed on the
outskirts.
He really wasn't interested inlike really really getting into
the mix.
Now, this wasn't because anyonewas being rude or bullying or
anything like that, but theother boys are, you know,
they're aggressive and he justwasn't comfortable.
(04:04):
And after after about 45minutes he told me he was like I
want to go.
And you know we still had abouttwo and a half three hours left
to the party and I was like, oh, bud, you know, are you sure?
And I tried to press a littlebit to get him to get involved.
Because in my mind I was sayingto myself in that moment, if I
don't press him, what?
What will this say to him, if Idon't press him to say, am I
(04:25):
telling him you don't need to besocial?
And you know, if I don't presshim to say, am I making it okay
for him to clam up and to becomereally just into himself?
And not that those are badthings, but I, just as a parent,
you just worry about every,every, every element, and so you
know I I worried.
So I said I was like you know,buddy, why don't you just try it
(04:45):
?
Like I had tried to get in themix and you know his friends and
the birthday boy, they werecalling him over and waving them
down.
So you know they did they liketried to include him a couple of
times and he got a littleinvolved, but then, as soon as
it got more aggressive, hebacked off immediately and so he
told me he was like I just wantto go, I don't want to be here,
I'm bored.
He was like no one's playingwith me and I told him I was
like well, you have to reallyinsert yourself in there.
(05:07):
The nobody just said no and Isaid you know what I was like
all right, not a problem.
And you know we went to leave.
The mother was incrediblygracious, asked me right away.
She said did anything happen?
Is he okay?
Because we were leaving early.
I told her I was like no, no,no, we're okay and I want to
highlight this, I apologize.
I was like, oh no, I'm sorry.
He just I was like he'suncomfortable in larger crowds
(05:36):
of kids.
He gets nervous.
And she said okay, but the waythat I phrased it to her and the
tone that I used was apologetic, like I was apologizing for his
behavior.
Now, the reason why I'm notingthat is because that is
something I want to correct.
So we get into the car and Iactually said to him out of the
gate you know what bud I was,like I'm proud of you.
I was like you looked at asituation.
You said I'm not comfortable,and then you used your voice and
told me that you were ready togo.
(05:58):
You didn't want to be thereanymore.
And I was like, and that issomething really important that
a lot of adults can't even do.
So the fact that you used yourvoice and you were able to, that
, you were able to, that, youwere able to recognize that was
great and I want to encouragethat.
So I gave him props, basicallyright.
So we got home and I explainedthe situation to my husband.
(06:20):
Eventually, he went and talkedto our son and he did the same
thing.
He gave him props.
He was like I'm proud of you.
You used your voice.
You said you know what?
I'm not down with this.
I want to go.
That's all you have to do.
(06:40):
I immediately reverted tosomething's wrong here.
There's something wrong that hedoesn't want to be involved.
And I think a lot of parents dothis.
And that's again like I want tobe transparent with all of you,
because I feel like we strugglewith all of these things with
our kids.
We're worried about everyaspect of their lives.
We're developing a human witheverything we do.
So this is like heavy stuff.
(07:02):
Like this is heavy things.
And so, you know, in my head Iwas like, oh my gosh, there's
something wrong.
Maybe I should take him totherapy, maybe I should, you
know, get him to talk to someonethat'll teach him how to cope
with larger crowds and how todeal with it, and you know good
ways for him to approach thesituation so that he can get
more involved.
And then, through the course ofthe day and into the evening,
(07:23):
because I kept thinking about it, and then I started thinking
about you guys and wanting totalk to all of you about it.
It occurred to me like, well,there isn't actually anything
wrong here.
He's smart.
He's a smart kid, he'sintelligent, he's doing good
enough in school.
He's not listen, he's not, he'snot breaking any records or
anything like that, but he'sdoing well enough in school and
he's a friendly person and hehas a good heart.
(07:45):
He's a big brother.
So he's a real pain in the assSometimes.
You know he's a well, he is awell-rounded kid.
He just doesn't like largegroups of kids.
He just doesn't like it.
And I got to the end of theevening and I was like, why was
I positioning this?
Like, oh, I'm so sorry, hedoesn't like large crowds.
We have to go, when it reallyshould have just been.
Oh yeah, he decided, you know,he decided he's ready to go,
that's all no big deal.
(08:07):
I got to a point with myselfwhere I started to get mad at
myself, because I in some wayprobably sent a message to him
that something was wrong and hedidn't say that.
And I made sure that I verballytold him like you did great,
like I'm very proud of you andwhatnot, and I am going to
handle it differently the nexttime this comes up, because it
will.
But I thought I would bringthis to all of you Because this
(08:28):
was a moment where my gut, myimmediate reaction, my immediate
gut was like oh, there'ssomething wrong, I have to do
something to fix this.
I have to fix him.
There is nothing to fix.
This is just his personality.
And my husband went on later onin the evening to tell me, too,
that he was the same way whenhe was a kid.
He hated large crowds, he hateddoing all that stuff.
My mother-in-law used to makehim do it, but he hated it.
(08:48):
So it's things like this that Iwanted to highlight for all of
us listening here, and to myself, because I'm working through
being a mother and being aparent alongside all of you.
These are the times where youcan recognize a shortcoming in
yourself and make the choice todo better for your kid, and you
can sense it in your soul, inyour gut, like in your brain,
(09:10):
like in your heart, wherever itis that you're feeling like oh,
you know, you've got thisconnection and made you think
twice.
I have an opportunity to fixthis period.
This is the first time thatthis kind of scenario happened
and now I have an opportunity tomake amends here and make it
okay and I don't again like.
I would love to hear everyone'sopinions here because I think
there's a fine line between, youknow, letting your children
(09:33):
make choices but also having topush them.
I know that my son is the kindof kid that I'm going to have to
push in certain instances, butit's which instances am I going
to cross that is going to makethe bigger difference here.
So I'm still working all thatout, but I wanted to share that
moment with all of you because Ifelt like it was important.
I feel like a lot of us getwrapped up around these kinds of
(09:54):
things and we worry, and youknow we're just doing the best
that we can.
I hope you're all are having agreat summer.
I am really excited aboutthings moving forward for the
podcast.
I've got live episodes comingyour way in August, which I'm
super excited about.
So until the next one, thankyou for hanging out with me and
take care.
Everybody.
This is Steel Versus Podcast.
This podcast was created forwomen, by women, to elevate
women's voices.
I have a very special guestwith me today who wants to help
welcome you to the show.
Welcome to podcast.
I hope you're having a greatsummer.
Thank you so much.
So I have like a whole list ofthings that I'm going to go over
(00:21):
with you all, but I wanted toyou know, first and foremost,
reiterate I hope everyone'shaving a great summer.
The funny thing that's happeningnow that I'm hitting like end
of July, all the moms are kindof coming out of like the summer
haze of hiding and being likeare you surviving?
How are you surviving?
Are you okay?
And I kind of love it.
So I wanted to tell everyoneabout that.
(00:42):
Don't feel bad.
Basically, if you're a mom andyou haven't texted another mom
friend in you know months orweeks or whatever it is, because
nine times out of 10, your momfriend is also drowning and we
just like to you know we needthe camaraderie and we're going
to commiserate with each otherand you could pretty much text
your mom friends at any point intime and say, hey, I'm drowning
(01:04):
, oh my God, and just kind of gooff.
I know that's how I feel, soI'm assuming that, like, other
women feel the same way.
And you know, don't be shy toreach out.
You know it is what it is.
So, end of July, almost August,it's wild Like I feel, like I
blinked and the summer has justgone.
Now.
I'm saying that now, but in twoweeks, summer camp ends and the
(01:27):
kids will be home for the lasttwo weeks of August straight.
I'm mildly prepared for it.
I'm very grateful this yearbecause I do have a really
phenomenal team that I work with.
I'm a current company and mymanagement team is phenomenal
and I just really feel supportedthis year and very much like
I'm included and you know, likemy work matters and that that's
(01:52):
a huge deal for me and I thinkthat that's a huge deal for most
, most people.
So I'm very grateful for thatthis year.
Now on to the topic fordiscussion.
I'm working this out in my head, so I'm going to say it out
loud and I'm probably going totalk it through in some circles.
But I wanted to do this becauseit's a mistake that I made as a
mom and I think it's a mistakeand so I'm trying to course
(02:14):
correct.
So, as you hear me talking.
I'd be very interested if anyof you have any opinions about
what I'm going to share and anyadvice.
I will take advice 110%.
So I am soliciting advice atthis point in time.
So I have three kids and one ofmy kids is, I guess, introverted
in a way, very friendly andoutgoing in the right settings,
(02:39):
but when it becomes a reallylarge group setting they clam up
and they really seem to getuncomfortable and like they
don't want to be around.
Now, I'm not like this.
I don't have this issue.
As you can all tell, I reallythrive in large settings.
I don't mind, you know, jumpingright in the mix with people.
I could pretty much sit downand talk with anybody and find a
(02:59):
common ground to discuss and,like you know, shoot the crap
about.
But one of my kids is not likethis and so it's.
I was at a and he was veryexcited to go and he was excited
to see all his buddies andeverything.
And then, once we got there,there was about 15 or maybe 20
(03:21):
boys there.
I knew a majority of them fromschool and sports and what have
you, and I knew a majority ofthe parents and everything.
But I also knew as soon as Iwalked up that my son was
feeling intimidated.
I could just sense the energyon him.
But I tried to just brush itoff and, you know, kind of
encourage him to join in.
You know, get in the pool, havefun, go and play.
(03:42):
He attempted, but then he, Icould just see and I was
watching from the side.
You know, I was sitting on theside of the pool with the other
mothers and I'm just talking,but I just kept an eye on him to
make sure he was okay and hejust kind of stayed on the
outskirts.
He really wasn't interested inlike really really getting into
the mix.
Now, this wasn't because anyonewas being rude or bullying or
anything like that, but theother boys are, you know,
they're aggressive and he justwasn't comfortable.
(04:04):
And after after about 45minutes he told me he was like I
want to go.
And you know we still had abouttwo and a half three hours left
to the party and I was like, oh, bud, you know, are you sure?
And I tried to press a littlebit to get him to get involved.
Because in my mind I was sayingto myself in that moment, if I
don't press him, what?
What will this say to him, if Idon't press him to say, am I
(04:25):
telling him you don't need to besocial?
And you know, if I don't presshim to say, am I making it okay
for him to clam up and to becomereally just into himself?
And not that those are badthings, but I, just as a parent,
you just worry about every,every, every element, and so you
know I I worried.
So I said I was like you know,buddy, why don't you just try it
(04:45):
?
Like I had tried to get in themix and you know his friends and
the birthday boy, they werecalling him over and waving them
down.
So you know they did they liketried to include him a couple of
times and he got a littleinvolved, but then, as soon as
it got more aggressive, hebacked off immediately and so he
told me he was like I just wantto go, I don't want to be here,
I'm bored.
He was like no one's playingwith me and I told him I was
like well, you have to reallyinsert yourself in there.
(05:07):
The nobody just said no and Isaid you know what I was like
all right, not a problem.
And you know we went to leave.
The mother was incrediblygracious, asked me right away.
She said did anything happen?
Is he okay?
Because we were leaving early.
I told her I was like no, no,no, we're okay and I want to
highlight this, I apologize.
I was like, oh no, I'm sorry.
He just I was like he'suncomfortable in larger crowds
(05:36):
of kids.
He gets nervous.
And she said okay, but the waythat I phrased it to her and the
tone that I used was apologetic, like I was apologizing for his
behavior.
Now, the reason why I'm notingthat is because that is
something I want to correct.
So we get into the car and Iactually said to him out of the
gate you know what bud I was,like I'm proud of you.
I was like you looked at asituation.
You said I'm not comfortable,and then you used your voice and
told me that you were ready togo.
(05:58):
You didn't want to be thereanymore.
And I was like, and that issomething really important that
a lot of adults can't even do.
So the fact that you used yourvoice and you were able to, that
, you were able to, that, youwere able to recognize that was
great and I want to encouragethat.
So I gave him props, basicallyright.
So we got home and I explainedthe situation to my husband.
(06:20):
Eventually, he went and talkedto our son and he did the same
thing.
He gave him props.
He was like I'm proud of you.
You used your voice.
You said you know what?
I'm not down with this.
I want to go.
That's all you have to do.
(06:40):
I immediately reverted tosomething's wrong here.
There's something wrong that hedoesn't want to be involved.
And I think a lot of parents dothis.
And that's again like I want tobe transparent with all of you,
because I feel like we strugglewith all of these things with
our kids.
We're worried about everyaspect of their lives.
We're developing a human witheverything we do.
So this is like heavy stuff.
(07:02):
Like this is heavy things.
And so, you know, in my head Iwas like, oh my gosh, there's
something wrong.
Maybe I should take him totherapy, maybe I should, you
know, get him to talk to someonethat'll teach him how to cope
with larger crowds and how todeal with it, and you know good
ways for him to approach thesituation so that he can get
more involved.
And then, through the course ofthe day and into the evening,
(07:23):
because I kept thinking about it, and then I started thinking
about you guys and wanting totalk to all of you about it.
It occurred to me like, well,there isn't actually anything
wrong here.
He's smart.
He's a smart kid, he'sintelligent, he's doing good
enough in school.
He's not listen, he's not, he'snot breaking any records or
anything like that, but he'sdoing well enough in school and
he's a friendly person and hehas a good heart.
(07:45):
He's a big brother.
So he's a real pain in the assSometimes.
You know he's a well, he is awell-rounded kid.
He just doesn't like largegroups of kids.
He just doesn't like it.
And I got to the end of theevening and I was like, why was
I positioning this?
Like, oh, I'm so sorry, hedoesn't like large crowds.
We have to go, when it reallyshould have just been.
Oh yeah, he decided, you know,he decided he's ready to go,
that's all no big deal.
(08:07):
I got to a point with myselfwhere I started to get mad at
myself, because I in some wayprobably sent a message to him
that something was wrong and hedidn't say that.
And I made sure that I verballytold him like you did great,
like I'm very proud of you andwhatnot, and I am going to
handle it differently the nexttime this comes up, because it
will.
But I thought I would bringthis to all of you Because this
(08:28):
was a moment where my gut, myimmediate reaction, my immediate
gut was like oh, there'ssomething wrong, I have to do
something to fix this.
I have to fix him.
There is nothing to fix.
This is just his personality.
And my husband went on later onin the evening to tell me, too,
that he was the same way whenhe was a kid.
He hated large crowds, he hateddoing all that stuff.
My mother-in-law used to makehim do it, but he hated it.
(08:48):
So it's things like this that Iwanted to highlight for all of
us listening here, and to myself, because I'm working through
being a mother and being aparent alongside all of you.
These are the times where youcan recognize a shortcoming in
yourself and make the choice todo better for your kid, and you
can sense it in your soul, inyour gut, like in your brain,
(09:10):
like in your heart, wherever itis that you're feeling like oh,
you know, you've got thisconnection and made you think
twice.
I have an opportunity to fixthis period.
This is the first time thatthis kind of scenario happened
and now I have an opportunity tomake amends here and make it
okay and I don't again like.
I would love to hear everyone'sopinions here because I think
there's a fine line between, youknow, letting your children
(09:33):
make choices but also having topush them.
I know that my son is the kindof kid that I'm going to have to
push in certain instances, butit's which instances am I going
to cross that is going to makethe bigger difference here.
So I'm still working all thatout, but I wanted to share that
moment with all of you because Ifelt like it was important.
I feel like a lot of us getwrapped up around these kinds of
(09:54):
things and we worry, and youknow we're just doing the best
that we can.
I hope you're all are having agreat summer.
I am really excited aboutthings moving forward for the
podcast.
I've got live episodes comingyour way in August, which I'm
super excited about.
So until the next one, thankyou for hanging out with me and
take care.
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