You must look inward first before you can look outward

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If dating feels like déjà vu, you’re not cursed—you’re unaligned. We open up about the inner work that makes healthy love possible, from naming your nonnegotiables to stepping off the hamster wheel of “fast and easy” connections. Instead of explaining away mixed signals, we walk through simple, honest ways to read priorities, set boundaries that stick, and protect your energy for people who show up with consistency.

We get personal about the tug-of-war between a traditional home life and a driven career, and how to integrate those desires without shrinking either one. You’ll hear why taking a year-long pause from dating can be a powerful reset, not a setback—freeing up attention for journaling, meditation, affirmations, and visualization that sharpen your vision of partnership. We talk practical frameworks for clarity: defining the daily life you want, mapping how you handle conflict and money, and choosing routines that reflect your values.

This conversation is a gentle push to trade intensity for steadiness and potential for proof. When your standards and your actions finally match, mismatched options fall away and the right person recognizes you faster. If you’re ready to stop settling, realign your choices, and build love that lasts, press play and join us. If a line here hits home, share it with a friend, subscribe for more grounded conversations, and leave a review with the one boundary you’re committing to next.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello everyone.

(00:00):
This is Steel Roses Podcast.
This podcast was created forwomen by women to elevate
women's voices.
So we made it through the week.
Yay.
Happy Friday to you.
Shoot, my nail broke.
All right.
Anyway, distractions.
Um, I had I wanted to sharesomething with you.
I jotted it down because I waschatting with somebody and I

(00:23):
said it, and then she said,that's a really good quote.
And I said, I'm gonna podcast onthis.
So what I said to this personwas, you have to look inward
before you can look outward tofind your person.
Now, I had been talking aboutfinding a partner, finding, in a
nutshell, a husband.
How is this happening?

(00:43):
Like, what do you do here?
Now, for those of you listening,actually, it'd be interesting to
hear from the married ones tooon this, but there's there's
some actual distinct steps youcan take to make sure that
you're aligning your energy.
I know I'm gonna get, I am gonnaget a little woo-woo here.
You can feel free to disconnectfrom the show now if you want,

(01:04):
but this is this is real.
So, in order for you to reallyfind someone that you would be
happy with, you have to getsuper, super clear on your
intention.
Who is it that you actuallywant?
Now, myself included with thismistake, you could be saying one
thing.
I really want a man who's gonnabe, let me think here.

(01:25):
I really want somebody who'sgoing to be a traditional person
who is going to be strong umcaretaker, good father figure, a
stand-up guy, take care of thefamily, this, that, and the next
thing, right?
So you could be saying all thesethings.
You could say, I really wantsomebody who's gonna be simple
though, too.
I don't want someone who's likehigh-end and be really fussy and

(01:49):
you know, has to be everythinghas to be a certain way and you
have to be really formal all thetime and this and that, right?
All right.
So that's I'm gonna say that asan example.
Oh, I don't want any of that.
But then what ends up happeningis because you're not really
clear on who or who you are ornot looking for, you end up kind
of shifting and dating peoplethat are not in alignment with

(02:12):
what you're looking for.
And then you come home fromthese dates and you say to
yourself, Oh my God, there's noone out there.
This is awful.
Every single one of these guysare narcissistic a-holes.
And oh my God, you should haveheard this one.
Oh my god, you should and dateafter date after date after
date, this is what you'resaying.
There's no, there's no men outthere.
There's no men out there,there's no one out there

(02:33):
anymore.
Well, perhaps.
Or perhaps you are attractingthe wrong person.
Now, there's two problems here.
One, if you're not clear on whoyou're looking for, that's
number one.
Two, if you consistently aremaking excuses and justifying
bad behavior because you'relonely.
It's hard to say that out loudbecause I personally can attest

(02:56):
to this.
It is hard to admit that you'relonely, you just want to find
somebody, and so you will makeexcuses for bad behavior and you
will make excuses to datesomeone that you don't even
really see a future with, butyou will try to see a future
with this person because youdon't want to be alone.
If any of this sounds familiar,I'd like you to pause for a

(03:17):
minute.
This is all happening becauseyou are not clear internally on
one, who you're looking for, andtwo, who you really want to be
when you get to that point.
Who is it that you really wantto be?
I'm a bit of a conundrum.
Um, I wanted desperately to havemy professional career.
There's reasons for that.

(03:37):
There's reasons I wanted to makemoney.
But deep, deep down, I reallywanted to be a wife and a mother
in a very traditional sense.
I wanted to be the homemaker whois taking care of their
household, taking care of theirchildren, making lunch for
everybody every day, makingdinner, making breakfast, making
sure everyone has clothes thatthey need, going to PTA

(04:00):
meetings.
I wanted all that.
But then I have this other partof me that needed to have the
career.
And this that again, that's awhole other episode.
I can talk about why I had tohave that.
So I myself am a bit of aconflict of interest.
But the stronger urge in me wasthe traditional lifestyle and
the traditional life, basically.
So I had I have a mesh.

(04:21):
I have a meshing of both.
It is frustrating at times andexhausting, but it's also really
rewarding because it is what Iwanted.
Now, to get very clear on how Ieventually got to my husband, I
had to, everyone sit down.
If you're single and you'relistening to this, you're
probably gonna be like, oh myGod, what are you saying?
You have to take a year breakand get really clear on who you

(04:45):
are and what you're looking for.
Now, that might sound appallingto you, but the truth of the
matter is you are going to saveso much time, so much
frustration, and to be honest,so much of yourself.
To give so freely to people thatyou ultimately don't want to be
with is on is sad.
Why?

(05:06):
You're a treasure.
You are the only you that's outthere.
You are a unique thing beinghere.
You are a unique being here onthis planet.
And yet you will squander thatacross people that don't really
care.
Men are very simple.
My husband says it all the time.
They're very simple.
They're they're simplecreatures.
We're the complex ones.
We are now we can we willcomplicate men and we will

(05:28):
project our complications onthem.
Oh, he didn't, you know, he hedidn't call me to go out this
weekend because, you know, hewas busy with his, he's busy
with his family and you know,and no, he was really stressed
about work.
So he just wanted to reallyrelax this weekend.
That's weird because you'd thinkthat if he really wanted to just
relax, he'd do it with youbecause that's really the goal
there.
There are, but if but but no,no, no, it's no, just he was

(05:50):
just really stressed out.
So I just let him be, you know,and we'll see each other during
the week.
Well, that's interesting, right?
Listen to it though.
It doesn't make any sensebecause once you meet that
person, if it is really thatperson, like men are gonna
prioritize a woman that theyreally see as like their future.
If you show up in any way whereit's fast and easy, guess what,
sister?
They're not gonna prioritizeyou, period.

(06:12):
And you know, it's interestingto talk about this because in
this day and age, unfortunately,it seems like everybody is going
out for the fast and easy.
Nobody's trying to go for thelong haul.
But at the end, the long haul isreally the ticket.
And I'm not talking about youdon't have to go and get
traditionally married, even ifyou're just living with somebody
for the long haul.
Having that life is actuallyvery rewarding and is something

(06:36):
really lovely to have.
So figuring out who you are inthat year period, you're gonna
be like, oh my God, Jenny, androll your eyes just like my
kids.
But being you authentically isgoing to happen through, I've
said it many times, journaling,meditating, affirmations, trying
new things yourself that you'vealways wanted to try,
visualizing your future.

(06:57):
If you really want to getmarried, you really want to meet
someone, then you really need tostart visualizing who that
person is and who what theirqualities are and the kind of
person you want them to be.
And that's only gonna come fromyou, because we need to know
what kind of person do you wantto be?
What kind of person do you wantto show up as?
And I'm not talking about like,oh, what kind of mom are you
gonna be?
You don't know what kind of momyou're gonna be until you're

(07:18):
actually a mom.
That's that's is what it isbecause I said a lot of things
before I became a mom.
I'm a totally different mom thanI thought.
Actually, if I saw a video ofmyself now in my early 20s, I
would have been, well, not now,but when the kids were toddlers,
I would have been like, what thehell kind of mother are you?
But the point is you have to getsuper clear because that is
going to be the energy you sendout.

(07:38):
When you get that really crystalclear picture of the life that
you're looking for and theperson that you're looking for,
then it is going to come to you.
Going on dating websites andreally like just throwing every
book at the wall and everythingat the wall and hoping something
sticks, that's not gonna do it.
We're being force-fed thisspeedy life where you have to

(08:01):
force everything down eachother's throats.
And that is not how it happens.
That's just not how it happens.
It's going to come to you whenyou get really clear on what it
is you're looking for.
The book that really helped mein this scenario was called The
Secret.
That's actually what pushed me.
And there was a whole yearperiod where I got really clear,

(08:23):
and I just continued to keep thefaith until it really came back
and I met my husband.
So I wanted to say this because,in the loudness of our society
right now, my early 20s ladies,my mid-20s ladies, my 30s
ladies, my 40s ladies, even stopthe noise, pull back, focus on
yourself and focus on your ownintentions.

(08:44):
And then everything else isgoing to fall into place.
But you have to look inwardfirst.
You cannot look outward for whatyou need, because then you're
only filling gaps with band-aidsand people that aren't really
for you.
You have to figure it out first.
Then the rest is going to come.
I hope we're ending this week ona high note.
I do challenge you, in anyscenario you're in, look at it,

(09:07):
gauge your feelings, determineif it works for you.
And if yes, stay.
If you know at the end of theday that you lay your head on
your pillow and you're like, I'mhappy and I'm grateful for all
these decisions, then good foryou.
But if you're laying down at theend of the day and you know
you're not happy, then you doneed to make a change.
And what, what better time thannow?
Thank you so much for being herewith me tonight.
I hope you all had a wonderfulweek.

(09:28):
I hope you guys have a greatweekend, and I will catch you on
the next one.
Take care.