November 22, 2024 • 27 mins
How does one navigate the tension between comfort and growth? On this episode of Step Into the Pivot, we welcome Kate Beck, a dynamic force in the healthcare industry and founder of PDX Insurance, who shares a compelling narrative about personal responsibility, intuition, and transformation. Our dialogue with Kate uncovers heartfelt stories, like the poignant choice she faced in 2010 about her father's health, and her childhood lessons in authenticity and courage. Through her metaphor of the "itchy scratchy sweater," Kate challenges us to confront discomfort and embrace open conversations to enrich our personal and professional lives.
Explore with us the enlightening journey of letting go, as Kate's anecdotes such as the "poached egg situation" reveal the pitfalls of ignoring our inner voice and the joy of embracing our intuition. By setting healthy boundaries and decluttering both mentally and emotionally, Kate guides us on how to craft a life of peace and growth. This episode is not just a conversation but an invitation to transform how we perceive change, recognize pivotal moments, and engage with a life full of potential. Don't miss this inspiring discussion that leaves you ready to shed your own "itchy sweater" and step into a more fulfilling existence.
Guest Bio:
Kate Beck, founder of PDX Insurance & Associates, Inc. creates health insurance and planning strategies for businesses, families, & individuals for their ever-changing lives and situations. She has been a licensed agent specializing in health insurance since 2009 and has taught Medicare 101 throughout the community for 11 years. In 2016 she launched her own company, PDX Insurance & Associates, Inc. As a member of the health insurance industry, Kate also works as a motivational and transformative influencer, cultivating confidence for mindset, skillset, & action set.
Connect with Kate: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kate-beck-pdx
Connect with Theresa and Ivana:
Theresa, True Strategy Consultants: tsc-consultants.com
LinkedIn @treeconti, Insta @tscconsultants
Ivana, Courageous Being: courageousbeing.com
LinkedIn @ivipol, Insta @courbeing
SITP team, Step Into The Pivot: stepintothepivot.com
LinkedIn @step-into-the-pivot, YouTube @StepIntoThePivot
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to this week's episode
of Step Into the Pivot.
Even and I are so happy to haveyou here this week.
We have an amazing guest withus this week Kate Beck.
We actually just got to spendsome time with Kate at the Sway
Conference and kind ofre-engaged with her, and I think
(00:21):
you're going to find her storyvery captivating.
And I think you're going tofind her story very captivating.
In 2016, she actually launchedher own company, pdx Insurance.
She is a healthcare industryprofessional, works on a whole
bunch of things related to that,and we are a little bit
different than our typicalfinancial services.
(00:41):
But we love to have all typesof women and men join us on Step
Into the Pivot.
So, kate, thank you so much forbeing here with us today.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Teresa.
Thank you, isana, happy to behere.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
So great to have you, kate, and I was recently so
glad that you were on not onebut two of my flights.
We were traveling together andI was so happy to see you
unexpectedly at the airport andknow that I was gonna spend a
couple of hours with you.
We have a lot of things that wetalk about, and one of the
(01:14):
passions we share is organizingand talking about tips and
tricks for making our liveseasier, and we ended up having a
really fun conversation aboutorganizing, reorganizing our
closets.
And there we were.
You know, talking about.
You know how do you declutter acloset most efficiently, gather
(01:37):
your stuff, decide what you'regoing to keep, what you're going
to chuck, what you're going todonate, maybe repurpose, maybe
something that used to be afancy outfit now can become
gardening outfit.
And we were talking aboutclothes and clothing.
And then we realized that wewere using some metaphors that
could be really applied to howwe show up in the world,
(01:59):
especially when it comes to ouridentities, our roles, who we
are, and you came up with thisreally fun way of talking about
what you nicknamed a scratchysweater or an itchy sweater.
Can you tell us a little bitabout what that means for you,
and then we'll go into some ofyour specific stories.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Absolutely, Thank you .
I feel like sometimes we getcomfortable or familiar with a
certain item that we're wearing,and I love to embrace conflict
and it always wasn't that way.
I didn't start out in that way.
But when we're talking aboutcleaning out our closets, a lot
of times it's an inside game,right, and this itchy scratchy
(02:43):
sweater that I'm speaking to isthe familiarity we have around
certain things.
So maybe we become accustomed tothis mediocrity or maybe
there's an uncomfortableconversation that we find
ourselves avoiding, and I likenthat to the itchy scratchy
sweater where I'll put thisitchy scratchy sweater on.
(03:05):
That's really uncomfortable,but I don't want to say anything
because someone gave it to meand I want to be nice and
accommodate their feelings,Never mind that I'm itchy,
scratchy and sweating in thissweater, and there are plenty of
other options.
It could be linen where it'sbreathable.
It could be linen where it'sbreathable.
(03:25):
Many times our personal andprofessional relationships, and
especially with our family, it'sa result of not talking about
the hard stuff.
So I'd like to really getcomfortable with conflict and
having really open, clearconversations with uncomfortable
topics, open, clearconversations with uncomfortable
(03:47):
topics.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So one of the uncomfortable things that you've
shared with me and that I'dlike for us to look at, because
you're giving us permission toask you about this, is also
about a conflict that you had toresolve inside yourself, and
you talked about the itchy,scratchy sweater.
That does not sound comfortable.
The story about that innerconflict really was around the
(04:11):
notion of comfort and providingand choosing comfort over
treatment in a difficultsituation that you were in.
Can you tell us about that, andwhat was that like?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Well, and just for our viewers and our listeners to
know, I mean even and I had acouple of hours in the airport,
so we, we had.
So I call even as a soul vendor, because sometimes you'll get,
she'll ask you a question andyou'll she'll, you'll give an an
surface answer and then she'llbe like, okay, but where did it
start?
So we were talking, we startedout talking about organizing
(04:43):
projects and then we immediatelywent right to the heart of
where did this uncomfortable?
When did I put this sweater on?
And I'm going to take you backto a time in 2010 where I had to
make a big decision aboutcomfort versus treatment, about
(05:07):
comfort versus treatment.
And I'm sure, if you haven't,you know someone who's been in
the position, maybe with a pet,maybe with a parent, maybe with
someone, a grandparent, but inthis story I got the call right
on a Wednesday before MemorialDay, so this was May of 2010.
And I got the call that my dadwas in the hospital and I needed
to come immediately, and I havea half sister that lives in the
(05:28):
Seattle area, so she wasdriving from Seattle.
We had to make a decisionpretty much immediately comfort
versus treatment.
And the reality of thatdecision was that comfort versus
treatment could potentially bethe difference of him living and
dying, and we had to make adecision pretty quickly.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
So what was coming up for you as you were considering
wow, how do I proceed?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Well, I guess it would be helpful to understand
that when my mom and dad gotmarried, my mom was 19 years old
and they were divorced veryyoung.
He had some addiction issuesand I didn't really understand
what it meant.
So I grew up without a father,truly for the first 10 years,
(06:24):
because my mom didn't date.
She felt strongly, she wantedto be a wholesome, faithful
individual.
And this also comes to my moneystory too, because although
he'd offered to be financiallyhelpful, because she wasn't
confident on the source of thosefunds, she refused the money.
So the money story of you knowI can do it myself.
(06:48):
I'd rather live without thanaccept something that is
unvirtuous and just all of thosethings.
And so I didn't know my fathergrowing up, and I did have the
generous and loving care of myaunts, uncles, my grandparents,
on both sides, so it wasn't likeI was a lack of love, but my
(07:08):
father was missing from thispicture.
So in 2010, I had been back inOregon for about a year and I
was hoping that my future wouldhold this building of a
relationship with my father, wholived very closely father who
(07:29):
lived very closely.
So when I got the call ofcomfort versus treatment, I
found out that my dad was tryingto kick his heroin addiction
and he'd been getting methadone,going to the methadone clinic
and he had recently gotten atattoo and this tattoo caused
some kind of blood infection.
That was on someone withhealthy veins and healthy liver
(07:54):
and kidneys.
It would be treatable, but inhis case they were saying he had
a 17% chance of survival.
They wouldn't be able toprovide him any medicine or
things to aid in the pain thathe was experiencing.
Also, he'd be going throughwithdrawals because they can't
(08:16):
give him anything and we had tomake decision of comfort versus
treatment.
So treatment would mean itwould be very painful and there
would be about a 17 percentchance of him actually living
through the treatment and itwould be excruciating.
So Jessica came and we had tomake some pretty tough decisions
(08:40):
that at the end of the day, wechose comfort because we didn't
have a written document to guideus.
We didn't have his will, wedidn't have all the things that
we advocate for ourselves andfor our community to have
organized.
We didn't have any of thosethings.
And we wanted and he wasn'twith us Like he.
(09:03):
He was with us for a moment andhe wanted to leave and go to
the movies.
But then you know he wasn'twith us really to tell us what
he wanted us to do.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yeah, so I'm noticing how you could have kept wearing
an itchy, uncomfortable sweater, or you could have just tried
on something totally new anddifferent, which is this state
of like.
I don't know if this is knowhow you shared the story when we
chatted.
I know you had to tap intointuition, into a place of like.
(09:42):
I'm making this decision from aplace that may not be coming
from, a mental space of like.
Here's so you are.
You're considering all the data, you're considering all the
factors, but at the end of theday, you're saying here's what I
say we do from some place thatis not really mental.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yes.
So obviously it's under greatstress that these types of
things happen.
And I had this inner knowingand this is where I would say
it's one of the pivots in mylife.
I had this inner knowing, thisintuition that, uh, we would
choose comfort, and also I knewthat if we chose that route,
(10:25):
it'd be unlikely that he wouldlive.
And, as it turns out, we choseto comfort and he made it to
Monday, memorial day, and he didpass on, and so we're talking
like literally days, 72 hours,and I remember feeling confident
that that was the right choice,and my sister and I agreed and
(10:47):
family came, his mother came,his aunt came, people came to
support.
I think if we had more time toget everyone's opinions we would
have.
You know, that would have beengreat.
Unfortunately, we didn't havethe luxury of time or decisions.
And this is itchy, scratchysweater that I've I've worn,
(11:08):
that's familiar, it's it's it'shelped me prevent getting very
close to anyone, so in a way,it's like a guardian for me.
So, this itchy, scratchysweater that I've been wearing
all these years, I didn't evenknow I was wearing it for a long
time, but it protected me fromfeeling, you know, like
(11:29):
different, because I didn't growup with a father full time.
It protected me from thingsthat I didn't know or understand
and although it wasn'tbreathable or brand new, it was
familiar, and part of mypersonal development that I've
worked on is removing thatfamiliar itchy, scratchy sweater
(11:51):
, because it's okay to feel likeyou don't know and to ask
questions, right.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Absolutely it is.
And you know you're saying youknow that you didn't have
anything to guide you exceptyour intuition, and even if he
had all those things in place,it may not have covered that
exactly anyway.
So you know, sometimes we justhave to make that best decision
and be okay with it, and I thinkthe fact that you and your
sister were in agreement, I meanthat makes it feel probably
(12:24):
better to you, which is greatwhen they got married, right?
So take us back to yourchildhood, when your mom was
single.
She was a single parent.
Then you wanted to take thingsinto your own hands and you
brokered a new relationship foryour mom, which I can totally
(12:48):
see you doing, like knowing you,how I know you.
I can totally see you doingthat.
But talk about that a littlebit and how that was also a
challenge in some ways.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Certainly Okay.
So we're going to go back tocirca 1988.
Well, 1987.
I was about between nine and 10years old.
So my mom and I moved to Oregonwhen I was in third grade and I
had a best friend in my class.
Her name was Angela and we werein the same class in fourth
(13:23):
grade and one weekend she wasover at my house and we had
watched Haley Mills' Parent Trap.
We had this great idea that wewere going to set our parents up
because she had a single dad.
I had a single mom.
Neither one of them were dating.
She had a single dad with fourkids and my mom and I always
wanted a big family.
So I thought, oh gosh, this isjust perfect.
(13:44):
So I picked up the phone Back.
Then you just pick up a phoneand you dial, you know, before
area codes, 266-4570.
I still remember the phonenumber.
Hi Roy, this is Kate Marty, I'dlike to invite you over for
dinner on Friday night becauseI'll be making dinner and
(14:04):
Angela's been over every weekendand we're just curious who her
family is.
He said, okay, I'll be there atsix.
Great.
And then I told my mom hey, mom, we're going to play dress up,
ange and I are making dinner,we're going to have pasta and
all you need to do is put yourmakeup on, show up and we'll
take care of all the deets.
So on the front door we wrote alittle note dear Roy, tell
(14:25):
Michelle I love you, you'reperfect.
And then we pick some flowers.
And neither one of them knewthat we were planning this.
But he showed up, found thenote.
My mom, answered the door.
They just thought it was socute.
Angela and I were behind the onthe stairs just giggling away
and they went on their firstdate in October and they got
(14:47):
married January 1st 1988.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
wow, I wasn't expecting that to be the result,
because I hadn't heard thatstory before.
So, wow, that's that's prettyfun.
But I love that you did itbehind their back and that it's
still all worked out.
But right, um, there's somesort of part in there about a
contract, so can you?
Talk a little about thecontract.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, certainly, I mean here I am from the
perspective of in the middle ofmy life and I'm always working
on contracts it feels like andat that time I felt like gosh,
this is a win-win for everyone,right, a dad gets a mom, a mom
gets a dad, a husband and a wifelike the equal of the entities.
(15:36):
I get sisters, sisters getanother sister.
But there was a lot of unknownsand there was a lot of
challenges that we all had toovercome, like blending a family
.
I mean, personally, I had afish, a hamster, two snails, a
bird, a cat and a dog, right,and I'm moving into this
household where maybe theydidn't want all the or to
(15:58):
receive all of those animals orthings and that's a whole nother
story.
But the idea of contracts.
I felt really guilty andresponsible that I didn't ask
better questions or that Ididn't know to think of these
unknown scenarios, to vet it out.
And throughout my life it hascome up where I have overlooked
(16:23):
certain things because I justsaid yes and I trusted in
everyone doing the right thing.
And in this case I will saythey are still happily married
and everything worked out.
I mean, in terms of contracts,where that with a mom and a dad
combining, I just I felt reallyresponsible and still, to this
day, have struggled with theownership of.
(16:48):
I could have asked betterquestions and when I look back I
think, gosh, you're only 10.
How many questions would youreally know to ask?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
at that, I was actually going to say that to
give yourself a little bit of abreak.
You were only 10.
So you know, I get that at yourage.
Today it might've been adifferent conversation, but yeah
, for sure, for sure.
That's an amazing story, though, and the fact that they're
still married, I think, is great.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
It is so awesome and here's where we can start
connecting the dots right.
It is so awesome and here'swhere we can start connecting
the dots right Because so you're10 years old, your mom is
single, you have this likelovely moment of levity with
your friend and you have theintuition that you act on and
it's a good thing, like it's,things are flowing from there
and then things don't quite workout completely.
(17:33):
I know you said to me like Ionly imagined the good.
I never imagined the challengesthat I mean they'll.
They come in every marriage andevery family, no matter what
the setup is.
That's.
You know the nature, the name ofthe game here on this planet,
right, but as a 10 year old, youstart absorbing the
responsibility for the thingsthat are not working out as
(17:53):
intended.
So when there is a challenge,there's a version of you that's
thinking this is my fault, thisis my fault, so, and that also
becomes like so normal andfamiliar and scratchy and
uncomfortable, but you keepwearing it.
And so then you know when wewere later talking about the
decision you have to make whenyou're signing that other
contract, because there's a lotof this, like you know, writing
(18:15):
and choosing in writing.
Comfort versus treatment.
It's like do I have the, do Ihave the correct intuition to
make this big decision or is itgoing to be my fault again?
The pressure on yourself,pressure that you're putting on
yourself, and one place whereyou shared with me before things
started to come to head interms of recognizing.
Wait, let me start sortingthrough what's mine.
(18:38):
What's not mine was when you'rein a marriage that ultimately
doesn't work out and you sharewith me a poached egg situation,
where you're like can you tellus about the poached eggs?
Lots of metaphors andillustrations here, lots of
metaphors and illustrations hereyes, yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
So when I don't listen to my intuition, I find
myself in choosing a victim orcertain sabotaging behaviors and
or pleasing, or I overly focuson pleasing Right, and to the
point where I used to makepoached eggs for my husband
every morning, but from farmfresh eggs that I, from chickens
(19:26):
that I raised, and, andHonestly, he didn't want the
eggs, he didn't want it, hedidn't want to talk about it, he
didn't want the protein.
He just he didn't want it, hedidn't want to talk about it, he
didn't want the protein.
He just he didn't want any ofit.
And and this huge aha momentcame to me that I'm sitting here
wearing this uncomfortablesweater and it's not helping.
(19:46):
Right, like he hates the eggs,I don't want to make his eggs.
And and also my intuition saysthat it's over, even though I
don't want to admit that, andit's really scary, uncomfortable
, it's over.
And once I learned to accept myintuition and make good
decisions, from following it, Ijust feel like I don't have.
(20:12):
I don't wear an itchy,uncomfortable sweater anymore.
It's because I've helped myselfby surrounding myself with
people who have healthyboundaries, healthy habits, and
together we've decided thatwe're going to live a life of
joy, planting seeds of peace andjust removing these
uncomfortable concepts.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
I can tell you a lot of times when I'm faced with
difficult decisions, maybe youhave two options.
I go with my gut, I go with myintuition and I'm not saying a
hundred percent of the timethat's right, but more often
than not I feel like, lookingback on it, you feel that that
is the right decision.
So I love your.
I love all your differentpoached eggs, your itchy sweater
(20:56):
, those kind of things.
This was a great, greatconversation, so let's talk,
just as our last question thatwe ask all our guests is and you
had quite a few differentthings that you talked about
here.
How are all these pivots a stepforward for you?
How do you see all thosedifferent things working
(21:18):
together to put you where youare today?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
These challenges helped me stretch and grow in
ways, even though I didn't wantto and I wasn't ready.
They helped me expand myboundaries to understand what
that garden looked like and thatI have control of my space and
when I honor myself and mygarden and my space.
(21:45):
The beautiful flowers aregrowing, the fruit is delicious
and now my partner makes mybreakfast every morning joyfully
, and for eight years we've hadsuch a healthy, happy, balanced
environment that it makes me, itjust helps me be at peace to
(22:06):
know that the challenges of thepast, the future challenges and
even at present, when contractscome, that I have to make big
decisions on and I remember thatwhile we were in the airport I
had to make some big contractdecisions that I can give myself
permission to pause and trustmy intuition and everything will
(22:29):
work out.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Now amazing advice.
So I think what I want ourlisteners to remember well and
you said kind of two things tome that that struck home.
One is take off that itchysweater, right, I think we all
need to do that more possibly,and even a please jump in here,
I know you have a comment aboutthat I was going to say.
(22:53):
The other one I got was cleanup your closet, like I need to
do that.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
So for sure.
And everybody's got to clean uptheir own closet.
Right, you got to clean outyour own closet.
No one knows that that sweateris as uncomfortable as it is, as
you do, your skin is lettingyou know, your stress is letting
you know, and you got to ownyour own closet.
And also, you know, kate, Ithink, as we were.
You know continuing to jokewith that metaphor further.
It's like we are so good atwanting to get into somebody
else's closet and say let mereorganize this for you.
(23:25):
Why are you still wearing this?
Meanwhile, our own stuff is,you know, piling up and we're
not.
You know we're not taking stockof what really serves us and
doesn't serve us.
So clean out your own closet.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I love that it is.
It's about cleaning out yourown closet, and many of my
friends will attest, and foryourselves, I love organizing.
So it's really if you're having, if you're out there and you're
having a moment and you're, youjust can't even identify what.
What it is that's triggering.
That's happening For me.
I just go clean my car, I'll goto the car wash, I'm going to
(24:01):
start there.
I'm like I'm going to wash mycar and vacuum it and I start
there and then I think, ok, kate, what is this really about?
Because the car's clean, it'sbeen vacuumed, right.
So what is it?
And I give myself permission tohave times to reorganize and
sometimes it starts with thatlittle that office desk drawer.
Right, my pins are crazy.
(24:22):
Okay, is it really about thepins?
What is it in our closet or inour emotional closet that we are
wearing, that we have become sofamiliar with that we find it
acceptable and if I'm going tobring it back to uncomfortable
conversations, it's.
I was being shouted at on adaily basis and I kept finding
it acceptable because I thought,well, maybe I didn't cook the
(24:44):
eggs perfectly.
I did time it exactly threeminutes and it wasn't about the
eggs, it wasn't.
It was about having healthyboundaries, and that's what I
want everyone here to take awayis look in your closet, find
something that you're findingfamiliar, and it's time to let
it go and give yourselfpermission, and then ask
yourself now, what emotionalthought or idea am I familiar
(25:09):
with that I can release?
Maybe it no longer serves me?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
What a great message, what a great reminder.
No longer serves me.
What a great message, what agreat reminder.
Thank you, kate, for being ourguest today.
I am sure we will have you back, because I'm sure we could go
much deeper into those subjectsand maybe more, but this was, I
think, a fantastic reminder foreverybody.
So thank you again, kate, forbeing on today.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Such a pleasure and a reminder for our listeners, our
viewers, to step into the pivot, if you have one, and step into
the closet of cleaning outclutter, emotional, mental and
really you know, say yes to it,say yes to change.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Awesome.
We'll see you all next week.
Bye, thank you.
Hello everybody and welcome to this week's episode
of Step Into the Pivot.
Even and I are so happy to haveyou here this week.
We have an amazing guest withus this week Kate Beck.
We actually just got to spendsome time with Kate at the Sway
Conference and kind ofre-engaged with her, and I think
(00:21):
you're going to find her storyvery captivating.
And I think you're going tofind her story very captivating.
In 2016, she actually launchedher own company, pdx Insurance.
She is a healthcare industryprofessional, works on a whole
bunch of things related to that,and we are a little bit
different than our typicalfinancial services.
(00:41):
But we love to have all typesof women and men join us on Step
Into the Pivot.
So, kate, thank you so much forbeing here with us today.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Teresa.
Thank you, isana, happy to behere.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
So great to have you, kate, and I was recently so
glad that you were on not onebut two of my flights.
We were traveling together andI was so happy to see you
unexpectedly at the airport andknow that I was gonna spend a
couple of hours with you.
We have a lot of things that wetalk about, and one of the
(01:14):
passions we share is organizingand talking about tips and
tricks for making our liveseasier, and we ended up having a
really fun conversation aboutorganizing, reorganizing our
closets.
And there we were.
You know, talking about.
You know how do you declutter acloset most efficiently, gather
(01:37):
your stuff, decide what you'regoing to keep, what you're going
to chuck, what you're going todonate, maybe repurpose, maybe
something that used to be afancy outfit now can become
gardening outfit.
And we were talking aboutclothes and clothing.
And then we realized that wewere using some metaphors that
could be really applied to howwe show up in the world,
(01:59):
especially when it comes to ouridentities, our roles, who we
are, and you came up with thisreally fun way of talking about
what you nicknamed a scratchysweater or an itchy sweater.
Can you tell us a little bitabout what that means for you,
and then we'll go into some ofyour specific stories.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Absolutely, Thank you .
I feel like sometimes we getcomfortable or familiar with a
certain item that we're wearing,and I love to embrace conflict
and it always wasn't that way.
I didn't start out in that way.
But when we're talking aboutcleaning out our closets, a lot
of times it's an inside game,right, and this itchy scratchy
(02:43):
sweater that I'm speaking to isthe familiarity we have around
certain things.
So maybe we become accustomed tothis mediocrity or maybe
there's an uncomfortableconversation that we find
ourselves avoiding, and I likenthat to the itchy scratchy
sweater where I'll put thisitchy scratchy sweater on.
(03:05):
That's really uncomfortable,but I don't want to say anything
because someone gave it to meand I want to be nice and
accommodate their feelings,Never mind that I'm itchy,
scratchy and sweating in thissweater, and there are plenty of
other options.
It could be linen where it'sbreathable.
It could be linen where it'sbreathable.
(03:25):
Many times our personal andprofessional relationships, and
especially with our family, it'sa result of not talking about
the hard stuff.
So I'd like to really getcomfortable with conflict and
having really open, clearconversations with uncomfortable
topics, open, clearconversations with uncomfortable
(03:47):
topics.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So one of the uncomfortable things that you've
shared with me and that I'dlike for us to look at, because
you're giving us permission toask you about this, is also
about a conflict that you had toresolve inside yourself, and
you talked about the itchy,scratchy sweater.
That does not sound comfortable.
The story about that innerconflict really was around the
(04:11):
notion of comfort and providingand choosing comfort over
treatment in a difficultsituation that you were in.
Can you tell us about that, andwhat was that like?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Well, and just for our viewers and our listeners to
know, I mean even and I had acouple of hours in the airport,
so we, we had.
So I call even as a soul vendor, because sometimes you'll get,
she'll ask you a question andyou'll she'll, you'll give an an
surface answer and then she'llbe like, okay, but where did it
start?
So we were talking, we startedout talking about organizing
(04:43):
projects and then we immediatelywent right to the heart of
where did this uncomfortable?
When did I put this sweater on?
And I'm going to take you backto a time in 2010 where I had to
make a big decision aboutcomfort versus treatment, about
(05:07):
comfort versus treatment.
And I'm sure, if you haven't,you know someone who's been in
the position, maybe with a pet,maybe with a parent, maybe with
someone, a grandparent, but inthis story I got the call right
on a Wednesday before MemorialDay, so this was May of 2010.
And I got the call that my dadwas in the hospital and I needed
to come immediately, and I havea half sister that lives in the
(05:28):
Seattle area, so she wasdriving from Seattle.
We had to make a decisionpretty much immediately comfort
versus treatment.
And the reality of thatdecision was that comfort versus
treatment could potentially bethe difference of him living and
dying, and we had to make adecision pretty quickly.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
So what was coming up for you as you were considering
wow, how do I proceed?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Well, I guess it would be helpful to understand
that when my mom and dad gotmarried, my mom was 19 years old
and they were divorced veryyoung.
He had some addiction issuesand I didn't really understand
what it meant.
So I grew up without a father,truly for the first 10 years,
(06:24):
because my mom didn't date.
She felt strongly, she wantedto be a wholesome, faithful
individual.
And this also comes to my moneystory too, because although
he'd offered to be financiallyhelpful, because she wasn't
confident on the source of thosefunds, she refused the money.
So the money story of you knowI can do it myself.
(06:48):
I'd rather live without thanaccept something that is
unvirtuous and just all of thosethings.
And so I didn't know my fathergrowing up, and I did have the
generous and loving care of myaunts, uncles, my grandparents,
on both sides, so it wasn't likeI was a lack of love, but my
(07:08):
father was missing from thispicture.
So in 2010, I had been back inOregon for about a year and I
was hoping that my future wouldhold this building of a
relationship with my father, wholived very closely father who
(07:29):
lived very closely.
So when I got the call ofcomfort versus treatment, I
found out that my dad was tryingto kick his heroin addiction
and he'd been getting methadone,going to the methadone clinic
and he had recently gotten atattoo and this tattoo caused
some kind of blood infection.
That was on someone withhealthy veins and healthy liver
(07:54):
and kidneys.
It would be treatable, but inhis case they were saying he had
a 17% chance of survival.
They wouldn't be able toprovide him any medicine or
things to aid in the pain thathe was experiencing.
Also, he'd be going throughwithdrawals because they can't
(08:16):
give him anything and we had tomake decision of comfort versus
treatment.
So treatment would mean itwould be very painful and there
would be about a 17 percentchance of him actually living
through the treatment and itwould be excruciating.
So Jessica came and we had tomake some pretty tough decisions
(08:40):
that at the end of the day, wechose comfort because we didn't
have a written document to guideus.
We didn't have his will, wedidn't have all the things that
we advocate for ourselves andfor our community to have
organized.
We didn't have any of thosethings.
And we wanted and he wasn'twith us Like he.
(09:03):
He was with us for a moment andhe wanted to leave and go to
the movies.
But then you know he wasn'twith us really to tell us what
he wanted us to do.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Yeah, so I'm noticing how you could have kept wearing
an itchy, uncomfortable sweater, or you could have just tried
on something totally new anddifferent, which is this state
of like.
I don't know if this is knowhow you shared the story when we
chatted.
I know you had to tap intointuition, into a place of like.
(09:42):
I'm making this decision from aplace that may not be coming
from, a mental space of like.
Here's so you are.
You're considering all the data, you're considering all the
factors, but at the end of theday, you're saying here's what I
say we do from some place thatis not really mental.
Is that accurate?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yes.
So obviously it's under greatstress that these types of
things happen.
And I had this inner knowingand this is where I would say
it's one of the pivots in mylife.
I had this inner knowing, thisintuition that, uh, we would
choose comfort, and also I knewthat if we chose that route,
(10:25):
it'd be unlikely that he wouldlive.
And, as it turns out, we choseto comfort and he made it to
Monday, memorial day, and he didpass on, and so we're talking
like literally days, 72 hours,and I remember feeling confident
that that was the right choice,and my sister and I agreed and
(10:47):
family came, his mother came,his aunt came, people came to
support.
I think if we had more time toget everyone's opinions we would
have.
You know, that would have beengreat.
Unfortunately, we didn't havethe luxury of time or decisions.
And this is itchy, scratchysweater that I've I've worn,
(11:08):
that's familiar, it's it's it'shelped me prevent getting very
close to anyone, so in a way,it's like a guardian for me.
So, this itchy, scratchysweater that I've been wearing
all these years, I didn't evenknow I was wearing it for a long
time, but it protected me fromfeeling, you know, like
(11:29):
different, because I didn't growup with a father full time.
It protected me from thingsthat I didn't know or understand
and although it wasn'tbreathable or brand new, it was
familiar, and part of mypersonal development that I've
worked on is removing thatfamiliar itchy, scratchy sweater
(11:51):
, because it's okay to feel likeyou don't know and to ask
questions, right.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
Absolutely it is.
And you know you're saying youknow that you didn't have
anything to guide you exceptyour intuition, and even if he
had all those things in place,it may not have covered that
exactly anyway.
So you know, sometimes we justhave to make that best decision
and be okay with it, and I thinkthe fact that you and your
sister were in agreement, I meanthat makes it feel probably
(12:24):
better to you, which is greatwhen they got married, right?
So take us back to yourchildhood, when your mom was
single.
She was a single parent.
Then you wanted to take thingsinto your own hands and you
brokered a new relationship foryour mom, which I can totally
(12:48):
see you doing, like knowing you,how I know you.
I can totally see you doingthat.
But talk about that a littlebit and how that was also a
challenge in some ways.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
Certainly Okay.
So we're going to go back tocirca 1988.
Well, 1987.
I was about between nine and 10years old.
So my mom and I moved to Oregonwhen I was in third grade and I
had a best friend in my class.
Her name was Angela and we werein the same class in fourth
(13:23):
grade and one weekend she wasover at my house and we had
watched Haley Mills' Parent Trap.
We had this great idea that wewere going to set our parents up
because she had a single dad.
I had a single mom.
Neither one of them were dating.
She had a single dad with fourkids and my mom and I always
wanted a big family.
So I thought, oh gosh, this isjust perfect.
(13:44):
So I picked up the phone Back.
Then you just pick up a phoneand you dial, you know, before
area codes, 266-4570.
I still remember the phonenumber.
Hi Roy, this is Kate Marty, I'dlike to invite you over for
dinner on Friday night becauseI'll be making dinner and
(14:04):
Angela's been over every weekendand we're just curious who her
family is.
He said, okay, I'll be there atsix.
Great.
And then I told my mom hey, mom, we're going to play dress up,
ange and I are making dinner,we're going to have pasta and
all you need to do is put yourmakeup on, show up and we'll
take care of all the deets.
So on the front door we wrote alittle note dear Roy, tell
(14:25):
Michelle I love you, you'reperfect.
And then we pick some flowers.
And neither one of them knewthat we were planning this.
But he showed up, found thenote.
My mom, answered the door.
They just thought it was socute.
Angela and I were behind the onthe stairs just giggling away
and they went on their firstdate in October and they got
(14:47):
married January 1st 1988.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
wow, I wasn't expecting that to be the result,
because I hadn't heard thatstory before.
So, wow, that's that's prettyfun.
But I love that you did itbehind their back and that it's
still all worked out.
But right, um, there's somesort of part in there about a
contract, so can you?
Talk a little about thecontract.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Well, certainly, I mean here I am from the
perspective of in the middle ofmy life and I'm always working
on contracts it feels like andat that time I felt like gosh,
this is a win-win for everyone,right, a dad gets a mom, a mom
gets a dad, a husband and a wifelike the equal of the entities.
(15:36):
I get sisters, sisters getanother sister.
But there was a lot of unknownsand there was a lot of
challenges that we all had toovercome, like blending a family
.
I mean, personally, I had afish, a hamster, two snails, a
bird, a cat and a dog, right,and I'm moving into this
household where maybe theydidn't want all the or to
(15:58):
receive all of those animals orthings and that's a whole nother
story.
But the idea of contracts.
I felt really guilty andresponsible that I didn't ask
better questions or that Ididn't know to think of these
unknown scenarios, to vet it out.
And throughout my life it hascome up where I have overlooked
(16:23):
certain things because I justsaid yes and I trusted in
everyone doing the right thing.
And in this case I will saythey are still happily married
and everything worked out.
I mean, in terms of contracts,where that with a mom and a dad
combining, I just I felt reallyresponsible and still, to this
day, have struggled with theownership of.
(16:48):
I could have asked betterquestions and when I look back I
think, gosh, you're only 10.
How many questions would youreally know to ask?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
at that, I was actually going to say that to
give yourself a little bit of abreak.
You were only 10.
So you know, I get that at yourage.
Today it might've been adifferent conversation, but yeah
, for sure, for sure.
That's an amazing story, though, and the fact that they're
still married, I think, is great.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
It is so awesome and here's where we can start
connecting the dots right.
It is so awesome and here'swhere we can start connecting
the dots right Because so you're10 years old, your mom is
single, you have this likelovely moment of levity with
your friend and you have theintuition that you act on and
it's a good thing, like it's,things are flowing from there
and then things don't quite workout completely.
(17:33):
I know you said to me like Ionly imagined the good.
I never imagined the challengesthat I mean they'll.
They come in every marriage andevery family, no matter what
the setup is.
That's.
You know the nature, the name ofthe game here on this planet,
right, but as a 10 year old, youstart absorbing the
responsibility for the thingsthat are not working out as
(17:53):
intended.
So when there is a challenge,there's a version of you that's
thinking this is my fault, thisis my fault, so, and that also
becomes like so normal andfamiliar and scratchy and
uncomfortable, but you keepwearing it.
And so then you know when wewere later talking about the
decision you have to make whenyou're signing that other
contract, because there's a lotof this, like you know, writing
(18:15):
and choosing in writing.
Comfort versus treatment.
It's like do I have the, do Ihave the correct intuition to
make this big decision or is itgoing to be my fault again?
The pressure on yourself,pressure that you're putting on
yourself, and one place whereyou shared with me before things
started to come to head interms of recognizing.
Wait, let me start sortingthrough what's mine.
(18:38):
What's not mine was when you'rein a marriage that ultimately
doesn't work out and you sharewith me a poached egg situation,
where you're like can you tellus about the poached eggs?
Lots of metaphors andillustrations here, lots of
metaphors and illustrations hereyes, yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
So when I don't listen to my intuition, I find
myself in choosing a victim orcertain sabotaging behaviors and
or pleasing, or I overly focuson pleasing Right, and to the
point where I used to makepoached eggs for my husband
every morning, but from farmfresh eggs that I, from chickens
(19:26):
that I raised, and, andHonestly, he didn't want the
eggs, he didn't want it, hedidn't want to talk about it, he
didn't want the protein.
He just he didn't want it, hedidn't want to talk about it, he
didn't want the protein.
He just he didn't want any ofit.
And and this huge aha momentcame to me that I'm sitting here
wearing this uncomfortablesweater and it's not helping.
(19:46):
Right, like he hates the eggs,I don't want to make his eggs.
And and also my intuition saysthat it's over, even though I
don't want to admit that, andit's really scary, uncomfortable
, it's over.
And once I learned to accept myintuition and make good
decisions, from following it, Ijust feel like I don't have.
(20:12):
I don't wear an itchy,uncomfortable sweater anymore.
It's because I've helped myselfby surrounding myself with
people who have healthyboundaries, healthy habits, and
together we've decided thatwe're going to live a life of
joy, planting seeds of peace andjust removing these
uncomfortable concepts.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
I can tell you a lot of times when I'm faced with
difficult decisions, maybe youhave two options.
I go with my gut, I go with myintuition and I'm not saying a
hundred percent of the timethat's right, but more often
than not I feel like, lookingback on it, you feel that that
is the right decision.
So I love your.
I love all your differentpoached eggs, your itchy sweater
(20:56):
, those kind of things.
This was a great, greatconversation, so let's talk,
just as our last question thatwe ask all our guests is and you
had quite a few differentthings that you talked about
here.
How are all these pivots a stepforward for you?
How do you see all thosedifferent things working
(21:18):
together to put you where youare today?
Speaker 2 (21:21):
These challenges helped me stretch and grow in
ways, even though I didn't wantto and I wasn't ready.
They helped me expand myboundaries to understand what
that garden looked like and thatI have control of my space and
when I honor myself and mygarden and my space.
(21:45):
The beautiful flowers aregrowing, the fruit is delicious
and now my partner makes mybreakfast every morning joyfully
, and for eight years we've hadsuch a healthy, happy, balanced
environment that it makes me, itjust helps me be at peace to
(22:06):
know that the challenges of thepast, the future challenges and
even at present, when contractscome, that I have to make big
decisions on and I remember thatwhile we were in the airport I
had to make some big contractdecisions that I can give myself
permission to pause and trustmy intuition and everything will
(22:29):
work out.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Now amazing advice.
So I think what I want ourlisteners to remember well and
you said kind of two things tome that that struck home.
One is take off that itchysweater, right, I think we all
need to do that more possibly,and even a please jump in here,
I know you have a comment aboutthat I was going to say.
(22:53):
The other one I got was cleanup your closet, like I need to
do that.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
So for sure.
And everybody's got to clean uptheir own closet.
Right, you got to clean outyour own closet.
No one knows that that sweateris as uncomfortable as it is, as
you do, your skin is lettingyou know, your stress is letting
you know, and you got to ownyour own closet.
And also, you know, kate, Ithink, as we were.
You know continuing to jokewith that metaphor further.
It's like we are so good atwanting to get into somebody
else's closet and say let mereorganize this for you.
(23:25):
Why are you still wearing this?
Meanwhile, our own stuff is,you know, piling up and we're
not.
You know we're not taking stockof what really serves us and
doesn't serve us.
So clean out your own closet.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I love that it is.
It's about cleaning out yourown closet, and many of my
friends will attest, and foryourselves, I love organizing.
So it's really if you're having, if you're out there and you're
having a moment and you're, youjust can't even identify what.
What it is that's triggering.
That's happening For me.
I just go clean my car, I'll goto the car wash, I'm going to
(24:01):
start there.
I'm like I'm going to wash mycar and vacuum it and I start
there and then I think, ok, kate, what is this really about?
Because the car's clean, it'sbeen vacuumed, right.
So what is it?
And I give myself permission tohave times to reorganize and
sometimes it starts with thatlittle that office desk drawer.
Right, my pins are crazy.
(24:22):
Okay, is it really about thepins?
What is it in our closet or inour emotional closet that we are
wearing, that we have become sofamiliar with that we find it
acceptable and if I'm going tobring it back to uncomfortable
conversations, it's.
I was being shouted at on adaily basis and I kept finding
it acceptable because I thought,well, maybe I didn't cook the
(24:44):
eggs perfectly.
I did time it exactly threeminutes and it wasn't about the
eggs, it wasn't.
It was about having healthyboundaries, and that's what I
want everyone here to take awayis look in your closet, find
something that you're findingfamiliar, and it's time to let
it go and give yourselfpermission, and then ask
yourself now, what emotionalthought or idea am I familiar
(25:09):
with that I can release?
Maybe it no longer serves me?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
What a great message, what a great reminder.
No longer serves me.
What a great message, what agreat reminder.
Thank you, kate, for being ourguest today.
I am sure we will have you back, because I'm sure we could go
much deeper into those subjectsand maybe more, but this was, I
think, a fantastic reminder foreverybody.
So thank you again, kate, forbeing on today.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:34):
Such a pleasure and a reminder for our listeners, our
viewers, to step into the pivot, if you have one, and step into
the closet of cleaning outclutter, emotional, mental and
really you know, say yes to it,say yes to change.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Awesome.
We'll see you all next week.
Bye, thank you.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Boysober
Have you ever wondered what life might be like if you stopped worrying about being wanted, and focused on understanding what you actually want? That was the question Hope Woodard asked herself after a string of situationships inspired her to take a break from sex and dating. She went "boysober," a personal concept that sparked a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. Now, Hope is looking to expand the ways we explore our relationship to relationships. Taking a bold, unfiltered look into modern love, romance, and self-discovery, Boysober will dive into messy stories about dating, sex, love, friendship, and breaking generational patterns—all with humor, vulnerability, and a fresh perspective.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.