March 5, 2025 • 31 mins
Welcome to Season 4 of Still Becoming One. We are excited to continue our own journey of growth and to bring all of you along with us.
So What happens when high school sweethearts get married and realize they need to seriously address their struggles? That was our journey that eventually led to the creation of the Still Becoming One podcast. With roots that trace back to our One Flesh Marriage blog.
In this episode, we wanted to reintroduce ourselves to all of our fantastic audience. We dive into the transformative power of story work, we talk candidly about raising four children, both biological and adopted, and the profound impact trauma has on family dynamics and relationships. Discover how Aldrich Ministries and our coaching network aim to enhance relationships through kindness, understanding, and continual growth.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still
Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Welcome everybody.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yes, welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:37):
Yes, this is our first episode of our fourth
season of Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:43):
Yeah, we're excited to be here because it's
been a while.
Brad Aldrich (00:46):
It has been a little while.
We took a break for a littlebit of time just over vacation
and winter, so we've taken alittle bit of a break from
recording and yet we keep kindof going oh, we need to talk
about that on the podcast, andwe need to talk about that on
the podcast, and we need to talkabout that on the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (01:07):
So we have a whole list for you yeah, and the cool
thing was we never actuallytalked about taking a break, we
just took it, and because thisis how you should communicate in
marriage and then we both werejust like, um, it's probably
time to get back at that yes andso there you go, here we are it
happens.
Brad Aldrich (01:25):
You know we definitely it started over, kind
of over christmas, christmasbreak and with our extra kids
home and everything so yeah,that was awesome we had some.
Kate Aldrich (01:36):
We had some kiddos stay through like mid-january
home from break, so like we justdefinitely wanted to spend our
extra time with them, which wasawesome so we thought we would
start our fourth season by justreintroducing ourselves.
And what still becoming oneeven means yes, because maybe
(02:02):
you've never listened to ourfirst season or you're just
getting introduced to us thefirst episode we did where we
kind of talked about what wewere doing and why we were doing
.
It was a really long time ago, Imean sometimes it feels like
centuries ago and then othertimes it doesn't feel long ago
at all.
Well, and I think in the grandscheme of our ministry it's not
(02:26):
that long ago, and so I thinksometimes my brain goes to that
as opposed to like how muchwe've changed in those four
years.
Yeah, four years, yeah, that'scrazy.
Brad Aldrich (02:38):
So Kate and I started the Still Becoming One
podcast because we really feltlike there were still things
that we wanted to say asChristian marriage ministry and
to the Christian marriagecommunity.
We had had a voice into thatcommunity man for I don't know
(03:00):
eight, nine years.
Kate Aldrich (03:02):
Yeah, since 2010.
Brad Aldrich (03:03):
Yeah, as One Flesh Marriage we wrote the blog One
Flesh Marriage.
Don't bother searching for that.
Now A hacker took the libertyof taking it offline and we just
kind of let it die because, itwas old and nobody really reads
blogs anymore.
So we let that kind of go andare kind of re-exploring what
(03:29):
does it mean to still become one?
Kate Aldrich (03:33):
in a marriage, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
And so that was kind of our motivation to keep
doing this work and keep talkingabout things.
I guess we should probably givea little bit of our marriage
journey in history oh, should we.
Kate Aldrich (03:50):
Okay, here we go go for it.
Um, yeah, I always.
I think every time I tell thisis a little different, but
that's okay.
Brad and I were high schoolsweethearts and oh, I had to add
this.
I'm thankful that we were.
This is the challenge.
(04:10):
Do I give this with the storywork that we've done or do I
give it without it?
I think in many ways we were away out from both of our
families, so that would be someof the story work.
And yet, like it wasn't justthat, like Brad and I really
enjoyed each other, wereattracted to each other all the
things that you want in amarriage and we went to separate
(04:36):
colleges, got married six yearslater, but found ourselves in
the first year of marriage veryconfused, very disappointed, I
don't know.
Lots of emotions, not many ofthem good or where we thought we
would be.
Brad Aldrich (04:53):
And so we certainly not what we were
hoping after or expecting aftersix years of dating.
We were super excited to bemarried together and then, once
we were, it kind of hit thislike wait, is this what it was
supposed to be?
Like Kind of space.
Kate Aldrich (05:13):
We were really struggling.
We were really struggling tocommunicate, we were struggling
to understand each other, allkinds of things and that, you
know, continued for the nextcouple years.
I don't think it was as bad.
I think the first two yearswere really really hard, but
year five rolled around, we hadone of our kiddos.
(05:33):
We have four total.
We'll get to that but we hadone at the time and we really
did hit a phase where we werelike, okay, we either have to
deal with this or we're notgoing to make it or we're just
going to continue to just bemiserable in the
Brad Aldrich (05:57):
same space Right yeah, some definitely things hit
the fan and we needed to dealwith and make changes, and that
was in the period of time whereI was going to grad school to
become a marriage and familytherapist.
Yeah, that was working reallywell Fix us at all.
But you know it was reallyreally good education.
(06:20):
It just, you know, didn'treally tell me what to do
different in my own marriage.
Kate Aldrich (06:26):
Well, you always wanted to be a counselor, a
therapist, but did you I'venever thought about this Did you
choose marriage and familybecause we were struggling?
Brad Aldrich (06:36):
No.
Kate Aldrich (06:36):
Okay.
Brad Aldrich (06:38):
No, I chose marriage and family because I
wanted to figure myself out.
Kate Aldrich (06:41):
Right, Well, I knew that was your main goal.
I've known that for a long time.
I just didn't know if there wasthat piece of like oh, if I go
this route, maybe I can figureus out.
Brad Aldrich (06:53):
No no it was not, it wasn't about that at all.
Kate Aldrich (06:57):
Guys, this is still becoming one live
questions of, I've never askedthat before, and I'm a little
afraid of the answer.
I've never asked that beforeand I'm a little afraid of the
answer.
Brad Aldrich (07:06):
But here you go.
For me, it was the differencebetween an individual approach
and a systems approach that,just looked at the things that
define a person, make a personis more than just the biology of
the person.
Kate Aldrich (07:22):
Right that they're impacted by their families.
Brad Aldrich (07:26):
And their relationships, and so we need to
look at the larger relationshipstuff.
That's what I was attracted tofrom the very beginning of
seeking out counseling, sothat's why I went that direction
.
But so doing that but itcertainly, you know, I think at
least woke me up to someunhealthy patterns in our
(07:48):
marriage.
Not that I knew how to changethem right, like, yeah, it
didn't, doesn't work that way soyeah, I wish but it helps, you
help other people well, and I'mjust teasing, I mean there are
certainly things from myeducation that I apply to us,
but here's the reality.
Kate Aldrich (08:09):
Now we're getting into.
Brad Aldrich (08:10):
Okay, but this is one of those truths that we talk
about all the time.
Right, it is so easy to sit inthe chair and go oh, here's the
things the other person needs tochange.
It takes hard introspection andhumility to go oh, here's the
things I need to change.
It takes hard introspection andhumility to go oh, here's the
things I need to change, andthat usually takes somebody kind
(08:32):
of challenging you to actuallydo it.
Kate Aldrich (08:36):
Yeah, as we work with people, this is a side note
from our story.
This is a side note and doesn'treally have anything to do with
our story, but I know, when Italk with clients, it's really
easy for me to say something andthen I'm like oh.
I do it all the time where thenI'm like, oh wait, but am.
Brad Aldrich (08:56):
I doing that?
Am I applying that all the timeI'm meeting with couples or
talking with couples and going,okay, wait, I need to remember
that same principle that I justencouraged them to think about.
Kate Aldrich (09:12):
Yeah.
So anyways, back to our story.
Like we were able to getourselves in a better space
after five years, but and thatwas super helpful Like I think
we would have been able tosurvive.
I'm not sure about thrive, andso we always kind of say our
(09:35):
marriage happened in stages.
I think year 10 for us, theLord did some really amazing
things in our hearts that openedus up to a space that we didn't
even know existed.
But I think we hoped, yeah,potentially it did that's the
thing, right.
Brad Aldrich (09:52):
The next five years were okay and better I
thought we thought they were alot better and life was starting
to move differently.
But then, year 10, we justreally saw a significant kind of
change, as we were both workingon ourselves.
We both, I think, took somesteps towards each other in
(10:18):
readiness to go to that nextplace and and whatever.
And so we started exploringreally a different depth of
marriage I think we had beenhoping for all along definitely
and that's kind of started, um,you know, through some
(10:39):
challenges and through somethings that we were going
through a year 10, but um, andwe really started connecting on
a different level.
Kate Aldrich (10:47):
And that started us well living differently and
honestly, people started askingwhat was different about us,
which was kind of ironic.
We always joke because wethought and I think many church
couples do we thought we wereportraying something of like a
(11:08):
good marriage and doing well,but apparently well people saw
the difference just how wetalked to each other, how we
were around each other.
Brad Aldrich (11:20):
they saw something more than it was before.
And so, yeah, people startedasking, okay, what's different,
how did you get there?
And you know, really, westarted the One Flesh Marriage
blog out of a place of well,let's think through that and
talk about it a little bit,mostly for us and a few friends,
(11:41):
and we started talking abouthealthy relationships, growing
together, caring for each other,healthy emotional intimacy and
healthy sexual intimacy.
And I think, somewhat becauseof that last one, there was not
(12:02):
a whole lot of people talkingabout healthy sexuality from a
Christian perspective and itjust exploded.
Kate Aldrich (12:12):
Well, the church we're pretty open here on Still
Becoming One about our struggleswith Big C Church and how
they've handled these things,these topics for marriages, and
how they've handled these things, these topics for marriages.
You know, the church should bewhere we can go and get good
resources and often it hasperpetuated toxic practices,
(12:34):
really harmful messages aboutsexual intimacy, about
pornography, about all kinds ofthings.
Really.
Brad Aldrich (12:42):
About who a man's supposed to be in sex, who a
woman's supposed to be in sex,all of the things.
Kate Aldrich (12:48):
Yeah, and so yeah, we're just open and honest
about those things.
Brad and I love Jesus.
He is the reason we are here,but church has led to some
hurtful things for lots ofpeople and we give them space to
honor that, and that's beentrue for us as well.
So, yeah, but we continue totalk about marriage and
(13:13):
relationships.
We have branched out a littlebit.
It's not always justspecifically marriage here at.
Brad Aldrich (13:20):
Study Coming One.
No, we talk a lot of healthyparenting things and even
healthy dating relationshipstuff.
Kate Aldrich (13:30):
Yeah, just relationships in general,
because we are parents of fourkiddos.
We've talked also about traumaand hard things that we
experience and how they impactour relationships, because we've
had that for ourselves.
We've also had that with ourkiddos.
(13:52):
We have two biological, twoadopted, and not just the
adopted ones ones right.
Everyone has some trauma ofcourse, because we are broken
people and no matter how much wewant to love our kids, well,
we're going to miss them.
Brad Aldrich (14:10):
At times we're going to cause harm and hurt,
and so we process lots of ofthose different angles here so
if you stick around here atStill Becoming One, what you
will hear is us talking a lotabout how we grow in our
relationships, how we take careof ourselves, how we walk in
(14:32):
greater kindness andunderstanding, and many of those
ideas come from Dan Allenderand the Allender School of
Theology.
There are a lot of people outthere who are talking about some
of these things.
I think probably the podcastthat many people might be
(14:54):
familiar with is the Place weFind Ourselves with.
Adam Young Talks also from theAllender training and Allender
perspective.
Kate and I have both done someof that.
The Allender training.
The Allender training yeah.
And as we kind of grewcareer-wise, we've done all the
(15:17):
different things.
We um I was working at achristian counseling center and
then was the director of thatcenter went and worked at a
large church, eventually as thepastor of marriage and family.
Kate also worked at a church asa youth pastor and then as a
(15:38):
youth director and then asassistant to the pastor of
marriage and family.
Kate Aldrich (15:44):
That would have been Brad.
That sounded really weird.
I'm just trying to follow yourtimeline.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
for me it's more one of those.
I should have stood up and saidno, you're not just an
assistant, you are definitelymore than that.
It's just the title you weregiven.
Kate Aldrich (15:59):
That's okay.
But I've also yes, like I'vebeen a youth pastor, which is
what I went to school for, butwas able to stay home with our
kiddos when they were young,which was such a blessing.
I've done many.
I've worn many different hats.
Brad Aldrich (16:14):
Oh lots.
Kate Aldrich (16:15):
But now, after doing our Allender training, in
this stage of life, when westill have, we have two kiddos
out of the house.
Two kiddos in the house, notbecause we've made them stay
outside, because they moved onto better things.
And so, in this stage of life,I love that I get to meet with
(16:36):
people and talk about theirstories and talk about how those
are playing out today and howwe can understand them better.
Brad Aldrich (16:45):
Yep.
So back in 2013,.
Actually, we formed AldrichMinistries as an overall
organization and then we starteddoing more direct coaching from
that back in 2019.
And starting in 2020, that grewwell with the pandemic, quite
(17:14):
significantly, and we continuedto grow Aldrich Ministries to be
now a coaching network.
It's what Kate and I do fulltime now working with people
honestly around the world whoare looking to grow in their
(17:34):
relationships, and we try tooffer some support and
encouragement and maybe adifferent way to look at things
than many people come at them,and we have now built a team of
people who are like-minded, whoare in the marriage ministry
space Also, many of themAllender trained, who are also
(17:57):
offering coaching alongside usto lots of different people.
So it is a ministry that'srapidly growing and, yeah, we're
just really excited to be ableto continue to see people grow
and change as they're on thisjourney of still becoming one
together.
Kate Aldrich (18:19):
Yeah, so that's us .
We're a lot more fun than thatmakes us sound.
Brad Aldrich (18:24):
Okay, yes, kate's the one who wants to bring humor
.
Kate Aldrich (18:29):
I like to laugh.
You do too.
Brad Aldrich (18:31):
I do.
Kate Aldrich (18:32):
You're just more reluctant to laugh.
I don't know why.
Brad Aldrich (18:35):
Laughing is fun, okay, anyways I was like I just
go for the dad jokes.
Kate Aldrich (18:42):
Oh, but that's a contradiction though, because
dad jokes are not funny, See.
Brad Aldrich (18:47):
Right, yeah, exactly.
Kate Aldrich (18:49):
Actually he's constantly in our family group
chat, sending them to all of ourchildren, and then he's like
waiting for them to respond, andif they don't't, he's kind of
sad no, that's right, you got tokind of poke the bear a little
bit um, but yeah, so we um, welove our family, we there's more
(19:12):
to us than just this um, welove our, our community.
We enjoy Brad enjoys coffee.
I do not, just in case youwanted to know, it's okay, we
forgive you.
Brad Aldrich (19:25):
Why don't you tell them a little bit about what
story work means?
Is that something that thoseterms are going to be, something
that people encounter a lot asthey listen to us?
Kate Aldrich (19:36):
Sure, I think the short answer is that story work
is going back into your story,your childhood, your formative
years, and talking about thememories, the things that are
kind of have stuck with you.
We do tend to gear towards fora while the hard things, the
(20:00):
things that stick with you thatstill just kind of hurt, that
feel harmful, that feeltraumatic in a sense.
But we also explore good things, because we are more complex
people than just the bad.
But the bad is really importantbecause we need to explore what
(20:21):
it's told us about ourselves,because, as adults, what it's
told us about ourselves is stillplaying out today.
Brad Aldrich (20:32):
I always like to say that those wounds, those
traumas, whatever it is that weexperienced wounds, those
traumas, whatever it is that weexperienced big things or little
things they ended up writingstuff on our hearts that kind of
(20:52):
jumps out when somethingsimilar or maybe something
totally different happens downthe road.
We can be in a circumstance andall of a sudden we can be
thinking, you know, reallynegative thoughts about
ourselves.
We can have some negativeself-talk.
We can oh, I'm such an idiot,kind of you know thing and it's
like where did that come from?
Where do we start to believethose things about ourselves.
(21:15):
Yeah.
And they're often based in somewoundedness.
Kate Aldrich (21:21):
The really interesting thing that I find,
too, is when we're talking withcouples.
I mean, we do story work withindividuals who are not in
relationships and those that are, but significantly, when you
and I are working with a marriedcouple, it's really interesting
because we can start to feellike the, the things that we're
(21:41):
having conflict about, thethings that we butt heads about,
hmm is because we have thislike what everybody throws
around as incompatibility kindof thing, and not every couple
sees that we can't work throughthat.
But what Brad and I see reallyis their stories playing out and
(22:01):
how they're bumping up.
The stories are bumping upagainst each other and people
will say, oh, so, like you know,if I married someone different,
this wouldn't be happening.
Brad Aldrich (22:13):
No.
Kate Aldrich (22:14):
It doesn't matter who you're married to.
Your story is going to play out.
Brad Aldrich (22:17):
And I have a really good, simple example of a
couple that I was working withthe other week where they were
talking about a chore thatneeded done in the house.
It was one of those things thatjust needed to get to.
Both of them knew it, both ofthem had talked about it, but
they had not gotten to it yet.
(22:38):
And finally the husband kind ofwas like okay, I'm going to get
to it.
And they ended up kind oftalking about it while he was
doing it and you know histhoughts were, you know, every
time I saw it I was just kind offrustrated that I hadn't gotten
(23:02):
there yet.
And the wife admitted that everytime she saw the chore she had
the thought I'm a bad wife, I'ma bad mom.
The chore she had the thoughtI'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom.
And he kind of stopped cleaningup and looked at her and was
like why would you think that?
Because it had nothing to dowith the chore, it had to do
(23:25):
with story and expectation andher past and those things that
get planted in us.
And just in that exchange theywere able to kind of see each
other a little differently andhe was able to kind of walk away
with.
Okay, I know that if there issomething that isn't done,
there's this thing ringinginside my wife that says I'm bad
(23:49):
, I'm not good enough.
And the power of knowing.
That is then you can really.
He can go back and say you knowwhat?
I think you're a fantastic wife.
Just because we didn't get thatdone doesn't make that any
different, right, you can speakto that negative voice even
before it comes out.
Kate Aldrich (24:07):
And she can work with her negative voice too,
Like it is not just a spouse'sresponsibility to make it all
better.
But yeah, when we know thatabout each other, it can be
super helpful.
And I think for so many of uswe can sometimes identify those
messages going on.
(24:27):
But sometimes we're reallyunaware because it happens so
fast that it's not really acognizant thought that you're
having, and so being able topull those apart, separate them
and actually recognize what'sthere is really helpful.
Brad Aldrich (24:44):
I don't know about you, but I think many of the
men I work with have done one oftwo things with that kind of
negative internal voice.
Either they kind of try toignore it, even though they know
it's there.
They just try to ignore it asbest as possible and it kind of
just is constantly there in thebackground, or they try to use
(25:11):
it as motivation.
I'm so horrible, I need to godo this.
I'm so awful.
I need to like you know.
So it becomes kind of thisstream of beat myself up to make
myself do the thing.
Kate Aldrich (25:25):
Well, yes, I've.
I actually had one of myclients recently say that's when
I turned the fear intomotivation.
Brad Aldrich (25:33):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:34):
Right, and that person was talking about a
specific time in their life.
However, yes, those thingsbecome motivators because we are
trying to either have it nothappen that way, right, because
someone's spoken that over us.
So we're kind of trying, we'reletting it chase us, correct?
Brad Aldrich (25:55):
and that is a motivator correct, right and
that, like understanding thatand understanding the things
that are going on inside of usand how to bring better, better
kindness to those places canmean a tremendous change.
Yeah.
And understanding how thosethings impact relationships is
(26:19):
so important.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
Mm-hmm, people and kindness is so hard and so
revolutionary.
I mean, we constantly tell ourchildren be kind to others, be
kind, be kind.
Right, we don't talk a lotabout be kind to yourself and I
don't know about you.
You know, because Brad and Itend to work individually.
(26:41):
I tend to work with women, andthen Brad and I work with
married couples together.
I do sometimes work withcouples, but for the individual
woman it's like well, well, whywould I be kind to myself?
like why, why, and the thing Ialways remind people is well,
these things happen when you'rea kid.
You didn't ask for it.
(27:02):
You didn't create this strategybecause you thought it would be
helpful, like you did create itbecause it was helpful, but you
you were a kiddo, like yourbrain is not fully formed, it's
trying to figure it out andlet's be kind, like you were
doing the best you could.
So there's lots there and wetalk a lot about story.
Brad Aldrich (27:28):
But, I think, it also needs to be said that we
are not looking at just blamingeverything on your past or
bashing parents.
Yeah, no, definitely we trulybelieve that most all parents
tried their best, tried to takecare of us and loved us very
(27:48):
much, and we need to honor thatand find places of honor in that
.
and yet all parents, includingthis one, has missed stuff and
certainly has missed this oneplaces of you know neat what
their children need, whichcreates wounds, and we can be a
(28:10):
part of healing those wounds.
But often that's not somethingparents have been trained or
know to do well.
Kate Aldrich (28:19):
It brings up their own stories, their own
insecurities.
It it is something brad and Iare passionate about is talking
to our kids, our four kids,about what we haven't done well,
and hoping that they can knowthat that's always a place and a
space with us and when theycome to us, it's our job to
(28:41):
listen and validate that.
And we've already had some ofthose difficult conversations,
and I don't know about you, butthey're not fun.
They're not fun.
But, everything in me wants tonot not make excuses but justify
my actions, Right, but that'snot.
That's not what we need to do.
(29:01):
And as we, if we as parents canenter into repair differently,
we're actually changing thedynamic for future generations
to do this differently, Right,yeah?
Brad Aldrich (29:12):
So the idea, yep, that's the idea.
Kate Aldrich (29:13):
Yep, that's the hope and that's why we enter
into story and, as Brad said,it's not to dishonor but it is
to actually elevate, for a time,honesty of what was it like for
you, and we'll bring honor backin.
But we need some space forhonesty to have a place.
Brad Aldrich (29:31):
Yeah, that's really important, and so that's
a little bit about who we are at, still Becoming One, and where
we're headed.
We're going to talk a lot ofdifferent themes of marriage and
sex and intimacy andrelationships in general,
learning from our story andwhere it grows us.
Kate Aldrich (29:54):
And sometimes we'll just be ridiculous, right,
honey?
Brad Aldrich (29:57):
Of course you always bring the humor.
I always say we're gonna haveto record these, not in the
morning, if you want me to befunny.
Kate Aldrich (30:03):
But yes, you are definitely more chatty in the
evenings.
Morning is not your favorite,unless he's had lots of coffee.
Brad Aldrich (30:10):
So, but we are so glad to be on this journey with
you.
I think, we're going to have agreat season and we're excited
to be sharing again and just howwe can continue on this journey
of a healthy relationship.
Looking to be more thanroommates with our spouse, but
really looking towards, whatdoes it mean to become one
(30:34):
together?
Yeah.
Well, we're glad that you are onthis journey with us.
We would love to hear from you,check out our information.
You can find us on social mediaat stillbecomingone.
You can check out our webpage,stillbecomingonecom and get lots
(30:55):
of information about us and ourcoaching and even ask some
questions there.
If you have questions for thepodcast, we would love to hear
from you.
Sure, well, that's all for thistime on our first one of our
fourth season of Still BecomingOne Till next time.
I'm Brad Aldridge.
Kate Aldrich (31:12):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (31:19):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldridgeministriescom.
For podcasts, podcast shownotes and links to resources in
all of our social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(31:42):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still
Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Welcome everybody.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yes, welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Brad Aldrich (00:37):
Yes, this is our first episode of our fourth
season of Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:43):
Yeah, we're excited to be here because it's
been a while.
Brad Aldrich (00:46):
It has been a little while.
We took a break for a littlebit of time just over vacation
and winter, so we've taken alittle bit of a break from
recording and yet we keep kindof going oh, we need to talk
about that on the podcast, andwe need to talk about that on
the podcast, and we need to talkabout that on the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (01:07):
So we have a whole list for you yeah, and the cool
thing was we never actuallytalked about taking a break, we
just took it, and because thisis how you should communicate in
marriage and then we both werejust like, um, it's probably
time to get back at that yes andso there you go, here we are it
happens.
Brad Aldrich (01:25):
You know we definitely it started over, kind
of over christmas, christmasbreak and with our extra kids
home and everything so yeah,that was awesome we had some.
Kate Aldrich (01:36):
We had some kiddos stay through like mid-january
home from break, so like we justdefinitely wanted to spend our
extra time with them, which wasawesome so we thought we would
start our fourth season by justreintroducing ourselves.
And what still becoming oneeven means yes, because maybe
(02:02):
you've never listened to ourfirst season or you're just
getting introduced to us thefirst episode we did where we
kind of talked about what wewere doing and why we were doing
.
It was a really long time ago, Imean sometimes it feels like
centuries ago and then othertimes it doesn't feel long ago
at all.
Well, and I think in the grandscheme of our ministry it's not
(02:26):
that long ago, and so I thinksometimes my brain goes to that
as opposed to like how muchwe've changed in those four
years.
Yeah, four years, yeah, that'scrazy.
Brad Aldrich (02:38):
So Kate and I started the Still Becoming One
podcast because we really feltlike there were still things
that we wanted to say asChristian marriage ministry and
to the Christian marriagecommunity.
We had had a voice into thatcommunity man for I don't know
(03:00):
eight, nine years.
Kate Aldrich (03:02):
Yeah, since 2010.
Brad Aldrich (03:03):
Yeah, as One Flesh Marriage we wrote the blog One
Flesh Marriage.
Don't bother searching for that.
Now A hacker took the libertyof taking it offline and we just
kind of let it die because, itwas old and nobody really reads
blogs anymore.
So we let that kind of go andare kind of re-exploring what
(03:29):
does it mean to still become one?
Kate Aldrich (03:33):
in a marriage, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
And so that was kind of our motivation to keep
doing this work and keep talkingabout things.
I guess we should probably givea little bit of our marriage
journey in history oh, should we.
Kate Aldrich (03:50):
Okay, here we go go for it.
Um, yeah, I always.
I think every time I tell thisis a little different, but
that's okay.
Brad and I were high schoolsweethearts and oh, I had to add
this.
I'm thankful that we were.
This is the challenge.
(04:10):
Do I give this with the storywork that we've done or do I
give it without it?
I think in many ways we were away out from both of our
families, so that would be someof the story work.
And yet, like it wasn't justthat, like Brad and I really
enjoyed each other, wereattracted to each other all the
things that you want in amarriage and we went to separate
(04:36):
colleges, got married six yearslater, but found ourselves in
the first year of marriage veryconfused, very disappointed, I
don't know.
Lots of emotions, not many ofthem good or where we thought we
would be.
Brad Aldrich (04:53):
And so we certainly not what we were
hoping after or expecting aftersix years of dating.
We were super excited to bemarried together and then, once
we were, it kind of hit thislike wait, is this what it was
supposed to be?
Like Kind of space.
Kate Aldrich (05:13):
We were really struggling.
We were really struggling tocommunicate, we were struggling
to understand each other, allkinds of things and that, you
know, continued for the nextcouple years.
I don't think it was as bad.
I think the first two yearswere really really hard, but
year five rolled around, we hadone of our kiddos.
(05:33):
We have four total.
We'll get to that but we hadone at the time and we really
did hit a phase where we werelike, okay, we either have to
deal with this or we're notgoing to make it or we're just
going to continue to just bemiserable in the
Brad Aldrich (05:57):
same space Right yeah, some definitely things hit
the fan and we needed to dealwith and make changes, and that
was in the period of time whereI was going to grad school to
become a marriage and familytherapist.
Yeah, that was working reallywell Fix us at all.
But you know it was reallyreally good education.
(06:20):
It just, you know, didn'treally tell me what to do
different in my own marriage.
Kate Aldrich (06:26):
Well, you always wanted to be a counselor, a
therapist, but did you I'venever thought about this Did you
choose marriage and familybecause we were struggling?
Brad Aldrich (06:36):
No.
Kate Aldrich (06:36):
Okay.
Brad Aldrich (06:38):
No, I chose marriage and family because I
wanted to figure myself out.
Kate Aldrich (06:41):
Right, Well, I knew that was your main goal.
I've known that for a long time.
I just didn't know if there wasthat piece of like oh, if I go
this route, maybe I can figureus out.
Brad Aldrich (06:53):
No no it was not, it wasn't about that at all.
Kate Aldrich (06:57):
Guys, this is still becoming one live
questions of, I've never askedthat before, and I'm a little
afraid of the answer.
I've never asked that beforeand I'm a little afraid of the
answer.
Brad Aldrich (07:06):
But here you go.
For me, it was the differencebetween an individual approach
and a systems approach that,just looked at the things that
define a person, make a personis more than just the biology of
the person.
Kate Aldrich (07:22):
Right that they're impacted by their families.
Brad Aldrich (07:26):
And their relationships, and so we need to
look at the larger relationshipstuff.
That's what I was attracted tofrom the very beginning of
seeking out counseling, sothat's why I went that direction
.
But so doing that but itcertainly, you know, I think at
least woke me up to someunhealthy patterns in our
(07:48):
marriage.
Not that I knew how to changethem right, like, yeah, it
didn't, doesn't work that way soyeah, I wish but it helps, you
help other people well, and I'mjust teasing, I mean there are
certainly things from myeducation that I apply to us,
but here's the reality.
Kate Aldrich (08:09):
Now we're getting into.
Brad Aldrich (08:10):
Okay, but this is one of those truths that we talk
about all the time.
Right, it is so easy to sit inthe chair and go oh, here's the
things the other person needs tochange.
It takes hard introspection andhumility to go oh, here's the
things I need to change.
It takes hard introspection andhumility to go oh, here's the
things I need to change, andthat usually takes somebody kind
(08:32):
of challenging you to actuallydo it.
Kate Aldrich (08:36):
Yeah, as we work with people, this is a side note
from our story.
This is a side note and doesn'treally have anything to do with
our story, but I know, when Italk with clients, it's really
easy for me to say something andthen I'm like oh.
I do it all the time where thenI'm like, oh wait, but am.
Brad Aldrich (08:56):
I doing that?
Am I applying that all the timeI'm meeting with couples or
talking with couples and going,okay, wait, I need to remember
that same principle that I justencouraged them to think about.
Kate Aldrich (09:12):
Yeah.
So anyways, back to our story.
Like we were able to getourselves in a better space
after five years, but and thatwas super helpful Like I think
we would have been able tosurvive.
I'm not sure about thrive, andso we always kind of say our
(09:35):
marriage happened in stages.
I think year 10 for us, theLord did some really amazing
things in our hearts that openedus up to a space that we didn't
even know existed.
But I think we hoped, yeah,potentially it did that's the
thing, right.
Brad Aldrich (09:52):
The next five years were okay and better I
thought we thought they were alot better and life was starting
to move differently.
But then, year 10, we justreally saw a significant kind of
change, as we were both workingon ourselves.
We both, I think, took somesteps towards each other in
(10:18):
readiness to go to that nextplace and and whatever.
And so we started exploringreally a different depth of
marriage I think we had beenhoping for all along definitely
and that's kind of started, um,you know, through some
(10:39):
challenges and through somethings that we were going
through a year 10, but um, andwe really started connecting on
a different level.
Kate Aldrich (10:47):
And that started us well living differently and
honestly, people started askingwhat was different about us,
which was kind of ironic.
We always joke because wethought and I think many church
couples do we thought we wereportraying something of like a
(11:08):
good marriage and doing well,but apparently well people saw
the difference just how wetalked to each other, how we
were around each other.
Brad Aldrich (11:20):
they saw something more than it was before.
And so, yeah, people startedasking, okay, what's different,
how did you get there?
And you know, really, westarted the One Flesh Marriage
blog out of a place of well,let's think through that and
talk about it a little bit,mostly for us and a few friends,
(11:41):
and we started talking abouthealthy relationships, growing
together, caring for each other,healthy emotional intimacy and
healthy sexual intimacy.
And I think, somewhat becauseof that last one, there was not
(12:02):
a whole lot of people talkingabout healthy sexuality from a
Christian perspective and itjust exploded.
Kate Aldrich (12:12):
Well, the church we're pretty open here on Still
Becoming One about our struggleswith Big C Church and how
they've handled these things,these topics for marriages, and
how they've handled these things, these topics for marriages.
You know, the church should bewhere we can go and get good
resources and often it hasperpetuated toxic practices,
(12:34):
really harmful messages aboutsexual intimacy, about
pornography, about all kinds ofthings.
Really.
Brad Aldrich (12:42):
About who a man's supposed to be in sex, who a
woman's supposed to be in sex,all of the things.
Kate Aldrich (12:48):
Yeah, and so yeah, we're just open and honest
about those things.
Brad and I love Jesus.
He is the reason we are here,but church has led to some
hurtful things for lots ofpeople and we give them space to
honor that, and that's beentrue for us as well.
So, yeah, but we continue totalk about marriage and
(13:13):
relationships.
We have branched out a littlebit.
It's not always justspecifically marriage here at.
Brad Aldrich (13:20):
Study Coming One.
No, we talk a lot of healthyparenting things and even
healthy dating relationshipstuff.
Kate Aldrich (13:30):
Yeah, just relationships in general,
because we are parents of fourkiddos.
We've talked also about traumaand hard things that we
experience and how they impactour relationships, because we've
had that for ourselves.
We've also had that with ourkiddos.
(13:52):
We have two biological, twoadopted, and not just the
adopted ones ones right.
Everyone has some trauma ofcourse, because we are broken
people and no matter how much wewant to love our kids, well,
we're going to miss them.
Brad Aldrich (14:10):
At times we're going to cause harm and hurt,
and so we process lots of ofthose different angles here so
if you stick around here atStill Becoming One, what you
will hear is us talking a lotabout how we grow in our
relationships, how we take careof ourselves, how we walk in
(14:32):
greater kindness andunderstanding, and many of those
ideas come from Dan Allenderand the Allender School of
Theology.
There are a lot of people outthere who are talking about some
of these things.
I think probably the podcastthat many people might be
(14:54):
familiar with is the Place weFind Ourselves with.
Adam Young Talks also from theAllender training and Allender
perspective.
Kate and I have both done someof that.
The Allender training.
The Allender training yeah.
And as we kind of grewcareer-wise, we've done all the
(15:17):
different things.
We um I was working at achristian counseling center and
then was the director of thatcenter went and worked at a
large church, eventually as thepastor of marriage and family.
Kate also worked at a church asa youth pastor and then as a
(15:38):
youth director and then asassistant to the pastor of
marriage and family.
Kate Aldrich (15:44):
That would have been Brad.
That sounded really weird.
I'm just trying to follow yourtimeline.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
for me it's more one of those.
I should have stood up and saidno, you're not just an
assistant, you are definitelymore than that.
It's just the title you weregiven.
Kate Aldrich (15:59):
That's okay.
But I've also yes, like I'vebeen a youth pastor, which is
what I went to school for, butwas able to stay home with our
kiddos when they were young,which was such a blessing.
I've done many.
I've worn many different hats.
Brad Aldrich (16:14):
Oh lots.
Kate Aldrich (16:15):
But now, after doing our Allender training, in
this stage of life, when westill have, we have two kiddos
out of the house.
Two kiddos in the house, notbecause we've made them stay
outside, because they moved onto better things.
And so, in this stage of life,I love that I get to meet with
(16:36):
people and talk about theirstories and talk about how those
are playing out today and howwe can understand them better.
Brad Aldrich (16:45):
Yep.
So back in 2013,.
Actually, we formed AldrichMinistries as an overall
organization and then we starteddoing more direct coaching from
that back in 2019.
And starting in 2020, that grewwell with the pandemic, quite
(17:14):
significantly, and we continuedto grow Aldrich Ministries to be
now a coaching network.
It's what Kate and I do fulltime now working with people
honestly around the world whoare looking to grow in their
(17:34):
relationships, and we try tooffer some support and
encouragement and maybe adifferent way to look at things
than many people come at them,and we have now built a team of
people who are like-minded, whoare in the marriage ministry
space Also, many of themAllender trained, who are also
(17:57):
offering coaching alongside usto lots of different people.
So it is a ministry that'srapidly growing and, yeah, we're
just really excited to be ableto continue to see people grow
and change as they're on thisjourney of still becoming one
together.
Kate Aldrich (18:19):
Yeah, so that's us .
We're a lot more fun than thatmakes us sound.
Brad Aldrich (18:24):
Okay, yes, kate's the one who wants to bring humor
.
Kate Aldrich (18:29):
I like to laugh.
You do too.
Brad Aldrich (18:31):
I do.
Kate Aldrich (18:32):
You're just more reluctant to laugh.
I don't know why.
Brad Aldrich (18:35):
Laughing is fun, okay, anyways I was like I just
go for the dad jokes.
Kate Aldrich (18:42):
Oh, but that's a contradiction though, because
dad jokes are not funny, See.
Brad Aldrich (18:47):
Right, yeah, exactly.
Kate Aldrich (18:49):
Actually he's constantly in our family group
chat, sending them to all of ourchildren, and then he's like
waiting for them to respond, andif they don't't, he's kind of
sad no, that's right, you got tokind of poke the bear a little
bit um, but yeah, so we um, welove our family, we there's more
(19:12):
to us than just this um, welove our, our community.
We enjoy Brad enjoys coffee.
I do not, just in case youwanted to know, it's okay, we
forgive you.
Brad Aldrich (19:25):
Why don't you tell them a little bit about what
story work means?
Is that something that thoseterms are going to be, something
that people encounter a lot asthey listen to us?
Kate Aldrich (19:36):
Sure, I think the short answer is that story work
is going back into your story,your childhood, your formative
years, and talking about thememories, the things that are
kind of have stuck with you.
We do tend to gear towards fora while the hard things, the
(20:00):
things that stick with you thatstill just kind of hurt, that
feel harmful, that feeltraumatic in a sense.
But we also explore good things, because we are more complex
people than just the bad.
But the bad is really importantbecause we need to explore what
(20:21):
it's told us about ourselves,because, as adults, what it's
told us about ourselves is stillplaying out today.
Brad Aldrich (20:32):
I always like to say that those wounds, those
traumas, whatever it is that weexperienced wounds, those
traumas, whatever it is that weexperienced big things or little
things they ended up writingstuff on our hearts that kind of
(20:52):
jumps out when somethingsimilar or maybe something
totally different happens downthe road.
We can be in a circumstance andall of a sudden we can be
thinking, you know, reallynegative thoughts about
ourselves.
We can have some negativeself-talk.
We can oh, I'm such an idiot,kind of you know thing and it's
like where did that come from?
Where do we start to believethose things about ourselves.
(21:15):
Yeah.
And they're often based in somewoundedness.
Kate Aldrich (21:21):
The really interesting thing that I find,
too, is when we're talking withcouples.
I mean, we do story work withindividuals who are not in
relationships and those that are, but significantly, when you
and I are working with a marriedcouple, it's really interesting
because we can start to feellike the, the things that we're
(21:41):
having conflict about, thethings that we butt heads about,
hmm is because we have thislike what everybody throws
around as incompatibility kindof thing, and not every couple
sees that we can't work throughthat.
But what Brad and I see reallyis their stories playing out and
(22:01):
how they're bumping up.
The stories are bumping upagainst each other and people
will say, oh, so, like you know,if I married someone different,
this wouldn't be happening.
Brad Aldrich (22:13):
No.
Kate Aldrich (22:14):
It doesn't matter who you're married to.
Your story is going to play out.
Brad Aldrich (22:17):
And I have a really good, simple example of a
couple that I was working withthe other week where they were
talking about a chore thatneeded done in the house.
It was one of those things thatjust needed to get to.
Both of them knew it, both ofthem had talked about it, but
they had not gotten to it yet.
(22:38):
And finally the husband kind ofwas like okay, I'm going to get
to it.
And they ended up kind oftalking about it while he was
doing it and you know histhoughts were, you know, every
time I saw it I was just kind offrustrated that I hadn't gotten
(23:02):
there yet.
And the wife admitted that everytime she saw the chore she had
the thought I'm a bad wife, I'ma bad mom.
The chore she had the thoughtI'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom.
And he kind of stopped cleaningup and looked at her and was
like why would you think that?
Because it had nothing to dowith the chore, it had to do
(23:25):
with story and expectation andher past and those things that
get planted in us.
And just in that exchange theywere able to kind of see each
other a little differently andhe was able to kind of walk away
with.
Okay, I know that if there issomething that isn't done,
there's this thing ringinginside my wife that says I'm bad
(23:49):
, I'm not good enough.
And the power of knowing.
That is then you can really.
He can go back and say you knowwhat?
I think you're a fantastic wife.
Just because we didn't get thatdone doesn't make that any
different, right, you can speakto that negative voice even
before it comes out.
Kate Aldrich (24:07):
And she can work with her negative voice too,
Like it is not just a spouse'sresponsibility to make it all
better.
But yeah, when we know thatabout each other, it can be
super helpful.
And I think for so many of uswe can sometimes identify those
messages going on.
(24:27):
But sometimes we're reallyunaware because it happens so
fast that it's not really acognizant thought that you're
having, and so being able topull those apart, separate them
and actually recognize what'sthere is really helpful.
Brad Aldrich (24:44):
I don't know about you, but I think many of the
men I work with have done one oftwo things with that kind of
negative internal voice.
Either they kind of try toignore it, even though they know
it's there.
They just try to ignore it asbest as possible and it kind of
just is constantly there in thebackground, or they try to use
(25:11):
it as motivation.
I'm so horrible, I need to godo this.
I'm so awful.
I need to like you know.
So it becomes kind of thisstream of beat myself up to make
myself do the thing.
Kate Aldrich (25:25):
Well, yes, I've.
I actually had one of myclients recently say that's when
I turned the fear intomotivation.
Brad Aldrich (25:33):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:34):
Right, and that person was talking about a
specific time in their life.
However, yes, those thingsbecome motivators because we are
trying to either have it nothappen that way, right, because
someone's spoken that over us.
So we're kind of trying, we'reletting it chase us, correct?
Brad Aldrich (25:55):
and that is a motivator correct, right and
that, like understanding thatand understanding the things
that are going on inside of usand how to bring better, better
kindness to those places canmean a tremendous change.
Yeah.
And understanding how thosethings impact relationships is
(26:19):
so important.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
Mm-hmm, people and kindness is so hard and so
revolutionary.
I mean, we constantly tell ourchildren be kind to others, be
kind, be kind.
Right, we don't talk a lotabout be kind to yourself and I
don't know about you.
You know, because Brad and Itend to work individually.
(26:41):
I tend to work with women, andthen Brad and I work with
married couples together.
I do sometimes work withcouples, but for the individual
woman it's like well, well, whywould I be kind to myself?
like why, why, and the thing Ialways remind people is well,
these things happen when you'rea kid.
You didn't ask for it.
(27:02):
You didn't create this strategybecause you thought it would be
helpful, like you did create itbecause it was helpful, but you
you were a kiddo, like yourbrain is not fully formed, it's
trying to figure it out andlet's be kind, like you were
doing the best you could.
So there's lots there and wetalk a lot about story.
Brad Aldrich (27:28):
But, I think, it also needs to be said that we
are not looking at just blamingeverything on your past or
bashing parents.
Yeah, no, definitely we trulybelieve that most all parents
tried their best, tried to takecare of us and loved us very
(27:48):
much, and we need to honor thatand find places of honor in that
.
and yet all parents, includingthis one, has missed stuff and
certainly has missed this oneplaces of you know neat what
their children need, whichcreates wounds, and we can be a
(28:10):
part of healing those wounds.
But often that's not somethingparents have been trained or
know to do well.
Kate Aldrich (28:19):
It brings up their own stories, their own
insecurities.
It it is something brad and Iare passionate about is talking
to our kids, our four kids,about what we haven't done well,
and hoping that they can knowthat that's always a place and a
space with us and when theycome to us, it's our job to
(28:41):
listen and validate that.
And we've already had some ofthose difficult conversations,
and I don't know about you, butthey're not fun.
They're not fun.
But, everything in me wants tonot not make excuses but justify
my actions, Right, but that'snot.
That's not what we need to do.
(29:01):
And as we, if we as parents canenter into repair differently,
we're actually changing thedynamic for future generations
to do this differently, Right,yeah?
Brad Aldrich (29:12):
So the idea, yep, that's the idea.
Kate Aldrich (29:13):
Yep, that's the hope and that's why we enter
into story and, as Brad said,it's not to dishonor but it is
to actually elevate, for a time,honesty of what was it like for
you, and we'll bring honor backin.
But we need some space forhonesty to have a place.
Brad Aldrich (29:31):
Yeah, that's really important, and so that's
a little bit about who we are at, still Becoming One, and where
we're headed.
We're going to talk a lot ofdifferent themes of marriage and
sex and intimacy andrelationships in general,
learning from our story andwhere it grows us.
Kate Aldrich (29:54):
And sometimes we'll just be ridiculous, right,
honey?
Brad Aldrich (29:57):
Of course you always bring the humor.
I always say we're gonna haveto record these, not in the
morning, if you want me to befunny.
Kate Aldrich (30:03):
But yes, you are definitely more chatty in the
evenings.
Morning is not your favorite,unless he's had lots of coffee.
Brad Aldrich (30:10):
So, but we are so glad to be on this journey with
you.
I think, we're going to have agreat season and we're excited
to be sharing again and just howwe can continue on this journey
of a healthy relationship.
Looking to be more thanroommates with our spouse, but
really looking towards, whatdoes it mean to become one
(30:34):
together?
Yeah.
Well, we're glad that you are onthis journey with us.
We would love to hear from you,check out our information.
You can find us on social mediaat stillbecomingone.
You can check out our webpage,stillbecomingonecom and get lots
(30:55):
of information about us and ourcoaching and even ask some
questions there.
If you have questions for thepodcast, we would love to hear
from you.
Sure, well, that's all for thistime on our first one of our
fourth season of Still BecomingOne Till next time.
I'm Brad Aldridge.
Kate Aldrich (31:12):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (31:19):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldridgeministriescom.
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all of our social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
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