October 2, 2024 • 37 mins
You've been stuck feeling like roommates and don't know how to ask for more sexual intimacy. OR maybe your spouse is the one asking but in ALL the wrong ways. This episode promises to equip you with the tools to understand and navigate sexual frequency concerns that both partners often experience. Tune in as we share candid insights and anecdotes about setting realistic expectations, fostering open communication, and addressing awkward yet essential conversations about intimacy. You'll leave with practical strategies to find a middle ground that works for you and your partner.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Wow, that was a cheery greeting.
It was like it's sunny andlovely outside.
Brad Aldrich (00:40):
And it is not.
Kate Aldrich (00:42):
It's not outside and it is not.
It's not, yeah, no, it is rainyand yucky and while we're not
in the path of the hurricane.
Brad Aldrich (00:52):
Yeah, a lot, a lot of people just were.
So yeah, breaks my heart, thosepictures oh, my goodness, so,
but we hope that this is findingall of you Okay.
I hope so for sure.
And Restoring.
We had such a wonderful timelast week with Shannon and had
(01:13):
some really good conversationsabout what is this sexual
confidence thing?
Kate Aldrich (01:20):
Yeah, on tap.
Brad Aldrich (01:22):
Sexual confidence on tap, that's right.
Kate Aldrich (01:24):
I really like your name.
Brad Aldrich (01:26):
I said that last time, so we thought we would
actually kind of follow up thatconversation with this idea that
we hear often and it's not justfrom husbands, although you
know that's kind of thestereotype, but we do hear it
often from couples of somebodysaying I want to have more sex
in our marriage, and you know,then it's this thing of they
(01:52):
feel like they've tried and allthey get is stonewalled and they
don't know what to do.
Kate Aldrich (02:00):
Yeah, yeah, and I think you know, obviously when
we meet with couples like that,we have to dig a little bit to
see when did it start?
How did it start?
Lots of other things, like lotsof things, contribute to it.
Brad Aldrich (02:14):
It's not just asymmetrical because I think
most people feel like it's aus-them problem One person wants
more and so then the otherperson isn't, is the problem
Right, and I think it reallydoes need to be looked at.
Kate Aldrich (02:36):
Yeah, I think many times.
Both people actually want more,but the one with lower desire,
for lack of a better term,doesn't know how to get there.
Brad Aldrich (02:47):
Like obviously the other Doesn't know how to
express it maybe.
Kate Aldrich (02:50):
No, I don't think it's that Like.
I think when you and I wentthrough our journey it's one
part that doesn't get talkedabout I wasn't like, oh yeah, I
just don't ever want to have sexagain, right?
Right.
Like I wished we were in abetter place with it too.
I wished I wanted it more.
I just didn't know how we couldget to that place right, yeah,
(03:14):
no.
Brad Aldrich (03:14):
So both of you feel frozen in that.
Kate Aldrich (03:17):
I think that's often not talked about.
I think it's often portrayedthat the other person just
doesn't want sex.
Brad Aldrich (03:22):
Yeah, that's exactly right.
And that sometimes can be thecase, but that's not always the
case.
Okay, so let's actually startthis by talking about, like,
what frequency should a couplehave?
Kate Aldrich (03:36):
Yeah, I think that's where we start with
couples.
We don't give a number we, wedon't.
Brad Aldrich (03:42):
We give this very, very interesting broad range
because we've heard so manyissues, um, and our, our huge
broad range that we usually talkabout is it should not have to
be every day.
Yeah, and it's not.
Don't hear, it can't be everyday it can be it's fine, but it
(04:04):
shouldn't have to be, because wecertainly have run into some
couples where somebody is suchthe high desire that they feel
like if they're they'redemanding it every day and if
they don't get that and that'snot okay, that's not appropriate
, right?
um, so that demand is theproblem, not the frequency in
that case.
And then on the other side, weusually say, if it's less than
(04:29):
once a month, there are someother things going on, right?
There's some other parts ofthis that we would have to
explore.
Kate Aldrich (04:38):
Right, we also talk about the couple, just like
having a conversation of foreach of you, what would be ideal
, and then how do we meet in themiddle of that?
Brad Aldrich (04:48):
yeah, and when we do that, when we get couples to
say like hey, what, what wouldyour frequency rate be if you
will?
Um, often, often, we will find,you know, one person going
something like well, for me oncea week would be great, and one
person going something like well, for me once a week would be
great, and the other persongoing well, like three times a
(05:09):
week would be great.
But then they're shocked thatthe other person said once a
week, really Right.
And it goes back to what youwere saying, because they feel
like they're only having itmaybe once a month and it's like
but you want it once a week,like I'd be really happy if we
had it right.
Like all of a sudden they'relike wait, there's some hope
(05:30):
here and that's where we startgetting into.
Maybe there's some other thingsmissing.
Kate Aldrich (05:37):
Right and through all of this feeling overwhelming
, the communication has evenbroken down.
It's totally broken down, yeah,and the ability to express
wants and desires.
Brad Aldrich (05:51):
Right and I'm okay .
So we can maybe go from thebeginning to the end like jump
to the end Short podcast.
No, we'll go to the middlebecause that's the important
part.
But the end that we get to ishow do you actually express
desire?
Because I can go back to, and Irecognize in my not healthy
(06:14):
times I would do one of twothings.
I would either use some lockerroom methods to kind of go do
you wanna?
Without really putting myselfout there right, I yeah grab
things inappropriately.
Or, you know, just kind of dosomething weird to kind of see
(06:36):
if I get that positive interest.
I was I was a child um no thatpoint.
Kate Aldrich (06:44):
No, it was not that bad.
Brad Aldrich (06:46):
It was not, but I think a lot of guys do the same
things, right, like they do that, and what they're doing is
seeing if there's interestbefore they put any desire out
there, because they don't wantthe rejection.
Kate Aldrich (07:00):
That's really what's happening.
I don't understand that,because aren't you still getting
the rejection, potentially?
Brad Aldrich (07:04):
Yes, we are, but we can always kind of do the
passive thing.
Well, I really wasn't expectingit anyway.
So then it feels less rejecting.
Kate Aldrich (07:16):
Then you get a power struggle going on, which
is a whole other thing.
Brad Aldrich (07:19):
So that's one of the methods I would use.
The other, probably a littlemore common for me, was I would
just try to read you.
Kate Aldrich (07:28):
Right, Like I'd come home.
Brad Aldrich (07:29):
That was a mistake , yeah well, just teasing the
problem is I'd read the wrongthings, like I'd come home and
be like okay, how was your day?
And I would hear oh man, it wasreally long, I'm tired and I
would immediately go okay, she'snot interested.
Kate Aldrich (07:48):
Guys toddlers toddlers, toddlers.
Brad Aldrich (07:49):
I would just kind of flip to this.
Okay, she's not interested, solet's just take that off the
menu and I wouldn't say anythingabout my desire.
Kate Aldrich (07:59):
Or try to and you've just been working too,
but this is often a dynamic wehear about try to and you've
just been working too, but thisis often a dynamic we hear about
.
Instead of coming home, hearingit was a long, tiring day,
which I do get with toddlerswhat day isn't but coming home
and saying okay, you know whatcan I do?
To give you a 20 minute halfhour break while the kids are
(08:21):
getting ready for bed, orwhatever that would allow you to
feel more like a wife and lesslike a mom.
Brad Aldrich (08:28):
Yeah, no, I think that's and that's the hard
middle.
So, like this expressing desirething, we have to figure out
how to actually use language,and not just language three
minutes before.
Right, like I always say, ifyou've jumped into bed to go to
(08:50):
bed at night and you have nothad any expression of desire
before that, it's a really,really crappy time to do that
right, because your brain isalready working towards shutting
down and right, like, like.
So we have to learn how toexpress desire for our spouse in
a million different ways, indifferent times, and that could
(09:13):
be through extended hugs, thatcould be through more passionate
kisses wait, these are stillnot words.
I know I'm getting there, orthey can and should be through
words.
Kate Aldrich (09:29):
Yeah, because I think even those things are
really good, because you know,brad, and I say like foreplay
should be an all day thingthrough text, through
communication, throughconnection, like there should be
other connecting pointsthroughout the day.
That's going to help things, nomatter what.
But unspoken it just getsblurry and like I'm not sure if
(09:52):
that's what you mean.
Brad Aldrich (09:54):
Well, and that's one of the complaints that I
hear from the higher drivespouse all the time is they have
tried to use hugs and kisses asa way of initiating and then
eventually those get shut downRight.
So tell me a little bit moreabout that, Because you are one
(10:14):
who have said often how much youenjoy longer hugs, how much you
want to kiss and yet not haveit necessarily be about that
communication.
Tell me a little bit about that.
I'm putting you on the spot Ilove it.
Kate Aldrich (10:29):
I wish you could see his face right now.
Tell me about that.
Um, I mean, I I guess I sithere and I'm like what, what?
I don't understand.
What do I need to explain toyou?
But anyways, we'll do itanyways.
Brad Aldrich (10:42):
See guys.
Kate Aldrich (10:46):
But I think you know most people out there
speaking on marriage will saythe same things.
Physical touch can not onlymean sex, because people are
then going to pull away Because,well, no offense, but if we're
married every single day and wehave physical touch every single
(11:08):
day, we hold hands, that meanswe have to have sex.
Like that's not going to work.
So I think, but we also need tounderstand, that non-sexual
touch is important forconnection and so it needs to be
a connecting point, but it alsoneeds to not be a pressure
point right and so I think you,just you have to make it a goal
(11:33):
to have some of it.
Brad Aldrich (11:34):
That doesn't lead to anything and when you say not
lead to anything.
So when I come up behind you atthe sink and grab you and hold
on to you, right, I am notexpecting anything in the next
five minutes or the next hour no, I mean, if you come up to me
at the sink, you could just dothe dishes, just saying I mean
(11:58):
I'm obviously romantic,obviously at the sink for a
reason.
Kate Aldrich (12:02):
So okay, but beside that, I got lost in the
dishes.
What did you say?
Brad Aldrich (12:09):
Like I'm not expecting anything in that
minute, but there is often aexpression of desire that
happens in those touches.
Kate Aldrich (12:21):
Okay, and does that mean it's an expression of
desire for that day, like not?
Brad Aldrich (12:29):
necessarily there's no expression of desire.
Kate Aldrich (12:31):
I understand that and I get that, but that doesn't
necessarily mean that desirewill be expressed through sex
that day correct, and I thinkthat's exactly what I wanted to
get to is well there you go theexpression of desire that you
think people are uncomfortablewith, or is it the obligation to
then follow that up with seximmediately or that day, or
(12:53):
something like that?
That's a really hard questionbecause you know me, I just I
can't be surface level anymore.
Like that there could be bothgoing on.
There could be one or the othergoing on.
I think, as a culture, andespecially women in the United
(13:14):
States I can't speak for othercultures, I won't speak for
other cultures there is a directcorrelation with desire and
being able to express it andunderstand it.
I think there is for men too,but I think it's very different,
because I think you deal with alot of men who can express
(13:35):
desire for sex, but expressingdesire for other things is very
difficult.
Correct?
Women, though, especially inthe church, are raised in a tamp
down.
Your desire.
You're the reason he has desirethat he shouldn't have.
I could go on and on that heshouldn't have, like there's all
kinds of I mean, I could go onand on, Like there's all kinds
(13:57):
of unhealthy messages that Ithink shut down a woman's desire
.
And yeah, it just can be verytricky.
And I know for me, like tryingto understand who I am and what
I love was a journey, and that'snot just sexual, it's desire in
general, what, what I love wasa journey, and that's not just
sexual, it's desire in general,what do I love what?
(14:19):
makes me me Unapologeticallykind of thing.
So I think, yeah, I don't know,it's muddy.
And I think it's something.
It's messy, no pun intended,but I think that we it's
something each one of us has toexplore, to understand if it's a
(14:41):
challenge.
Brad Aldrich (14:41):
but I imagine for most of us, desire is either
overactive or underactive right,I and I totally agree, and I
think there is this place forguys where that desire is more
kind of pushed out when it comesto sexual desire, right Like so
(15:04):
they're going to do somethingto try to express it and then
like pull back because thatrejection factor is there.
So I think, when it comes todesire for rest or self-care or
things like that, I think thatit's very different.
There's less of that like I'mgoing to go pursue this for sure
(15:26):
, kind of thing, gotcha.
But I think most guys have notlearned how to use language
around expressing desire for sexin a healthy way, right, and
they don't.
It's not easy, right?
Like how do you be romantic andnot crude?
Kate Aldrich (15:50):
And make someone feel like they're just.
Brad Aldrich (15:52):
Right.
Make somebody feel cherished,not a piece of meat right right,
it's difficult to do, and so Ithink then we shy away from it
sure yeah and I will say it'sgoing to be different for every
couple but, it's something thatyou guys need to navigate
together of hey, how do you havewords that mean I would love to
(16:16):
spend time with you, or havecode words for can we sneak away
and have sex so the kids don'tknow what we're doing?
Whatever, it is that you guyshave done to create some
language for expression ofdesire, some language for
(16:42):
expression of desire, and thatneeds to be able to be
considered.
I'm not saying that every timesomebody expresses desire you
have to say yes by any means,but I think there is a place
where we want to encourage theappropriate expressions of
desire and, you know, helpingpeople to learn how to use
language that makes you feelgood is a part of that yeah, to
(17:04):
feel valued and cherished, thatthis is something I want to
share with you, not just this issomething I want to experience.
Yes, yes, and I think that is sotrue.
Now I'm obviously talking aboutguys are not always the ones
expressing the desire, and theyshouldn't be.
Kate Aldrich (17:25):
Yeah, no.
Brad Aldrich (17:26):
Right, Like every guy, even I will say even
especially the higher desireguys truly desire their wife to
desire them.
It is something I hear all thetime from guys who have even
very, very high sexual desiresthat they have a craving to see
(17:51):
that their wife actually desiresthem.
So this has to go bothdirections and learning language
both directions.
To say I would like to have sexwith you in some language is
really important.
Kate Aldrich (18:08):
Yeah, I think, too , remembering there's more than
a yes or no, and what I mean bythat is, I think, you know, when
we get into murky waters withall of this, it feels like
there's only the yes or the no,the rejection or the not being
rejected.
But one of the things that Itried to put into practice and I
(18:33):
think now we both put intopractice, like because we both
put into practice, because youknow, there are times for both
of us that it's like, you know,just kind of checking where
you're at, kind of thing and Ithink it really is the stopping
for a second and thinking right,yeah, because it doesn't always
(18:57):
have to be a no, it could belike, uh, yeah, like I could,
you know, I could be convincednot, not, not in a way where you
are feeling pressured okay,that's not what I mean, that you
have to, anything like that butyou stop and you think, oh, it
wasn't necessarily on my mindright now, but I'm not opposed.
Brad Aldrich (19:19):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:20):
And so, yeah, let's let's like explore that
and have fun.
Like it doesn't always, but Ithink sometimes we think, cause
it's not on our mind, it has tobe a no, and I think sometimes
women also feel like it has tobe a yes.
So then it feels like I don'tactually get a say in this.
Like.
None of those are really whatwe want it to be.
Brad Aldrich (19:42):
But it doesn't only have to be a no, because we
weren't thinking about it andsome of that comes from you
learning that often desire andarousal are two different
processes that come, you know,in interesting times.
Kate Aldrich (20:03):
Our traditional, the way we traditionally think
about it, is we have desire andthat leads to arousal, right,
and I think you've learned, andwe've certainly talked about
before, that that is not theonly way that these two things
interact well, and I think thatcan be true for men too
absolutely is and it's notnecessarily true for every woman
(20:26):
, it's not necessarily trueevery time, but, yes, it is the
process of uh, you know, Idesire this with you, but
arousal has not happened yet,and that's okay, right, right,
and it does often happen laterin the process, and that's okay.
Brad Aldrich (20:47):
Right, right, and desire sometimes shows up later
in the process.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (20:53):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (20:53):
Okay.
Now we said we're going to getto the middle, and I think some
of the middle can be talkedabout just simply by saying I
think a lot of men use sex asthe way to connect safely with
their spouse, that if they feeldisconnected from them with
(21:14):
their spouse, that if they feeldisconnected from them, they
want to have sex in order tofeel connected, and I think most
women do not feel comfortablehaving sex if they don't feel
connected.
Kate Aldrich (21:27):
Yeah, again, that is a generalization, so I don't
think everybody is going to feelthat way, but I do think that
that can very typically be thecase.
Um, but I always want to becautious, because stereotypes
always make somebody feel leftout or like something is wrong
with them, and that is not thecase that, if you don't feel
(21:49):
that way, so well, if you don't,what that means is you're
feeling safe in yourrelationship.
Brad Aldrich (21:56):
It's just you weren't thinking about sex at
the time, which is fine, orfeeling connected, which is good
but I think women can also.
Kate Aldrich (22:04):
Some women do see sex, as we are connected again.
So I think it can be completelyreversed is what I'm saying.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
You're not broken, you're notwrong.
I just think, overallgeneralities, it does tend to be
(22:25):
that way.
Brad Aldrich (22:27):
I think it's an important thing to learn that
these two realities of sexualdesire and desire for connection
do somewhat run together, butthey need to be both considered
and I would say, if you havejust not felt connected to your
(22:53):
partner for whatever reasonconflict, just distance that
jumping into sex may not be theright answer.
Now, that is contrary to everymovie that we see that it's like
oh, we've been away from eachother for a long time, so we're
going to immediately jump intohaving sex.
Kate Aldrich (23:15):
Which is fine.
Brad Aldrich (23:16):
Right, and that happens if it's that kind of
distance, but they're like,think about it.
In most of those times there'slots of emotional intimacy while
you're apart from each other.
That is leading to that desirewhen you see each other when you
see each other, and I thinkthat's the place that's often
(23:37):
missing in our normal kind ofday-to-day relationship.
We have not had a chance tocreate emotional desire for each
other.
Kate Aldrich (23:46):
Yeah, I mean, I think just keeping those things
in mind is important.
Just checking where you are,where your spouse is trying to
be cognizant of that, I think ishuge.
Brad Aldrich (24:02):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (24:03):
So yeah, I mean it is more complex than I think
any of us ever thought when wegot married.
Brad Aldrich (24:10):
Oh my gosh, absolutely, Because I think at
that place, well, for most of usthere was time that was going
on that we weren't having sex,that we were creating a lot of
connection and so that wasleading to a lot of desire, and
then so that played out in thebeginning.
(24:30):
Mm-hmm.
But I think we then continue inlife and there's things that
pull us in different directionsKids, work, money, obligations,
family, like all these thingsand we get emotionally
disconnected.
Kate Aldrich (24:49):
Yeah, I think you know I'm mostly going to say
this on any podcast that we do.
I'm mostly going to say this onany any podcasts that we do.
But I also think we have totake in and consider trauma from
our families around sexualintimacy, understanding of it,
teaching of it.
You know just how sex ingeneral has been portrayed in
(25:14):
your family or not, and I thinkthere's also we have to
understand for us the culturalpiece.
I mean, as I said, growing upin the united states as a woman,
I don't think, and as a manactually thinking about it from
your perspective like so much ofhow men have been shaped is how
(25:35):
they've been sex has beenportrayed for them oh,
absolutely and for women, rightthat there is this piece of like
.
Well, it's mainly for men, youknow, coming out of that culture
no, it's.
Brad Aldrich (25:51):
It has entirely been said that sex is for men's
pleasure for a very long timeand women have to put up with it
.
And so there is this stereotypeout there that says you
shouldn't enjoy it, you shouldwant less of it, right?
And and so some of that'shappening without even really
understanding where that'scoming from.
Kate Aldrich (26:13):
Well, and our parents are carrying that in
their DNA and people say, oh,that's so old school, but it
still impacts us.
And, yes, it can change, butthat takes generation after
generation after generation andyou have to be aware of what
needs to change.
Brad Aldrich (26:31):
Correct, and I'll tell you just from the other
side.
I do talk with men who arelower desire, and every one of
them deals with this question ofdoes this make me less manly?
Somehow right, and what's wrongwith me that I'm not enough of
a man, that I want it constantlyright, because, again, that's
(26:54):
part of that culture.
So right, even if they canintellectually go right.
I know there's nothingconnected there, it's part of
the culture.
So we recognize how much thatwhat we grow up around seeps in
and for the higher drive wivesthe same, like what's wrong with
(27:15):
me?
Kate Aldrich (27:15):
Why, you know just all of those things and we have
to consider what messages orlies or different things that we
have picked up.
Yeah, absolutely, and then Ithink for those who've grown up
in the church, you've got toeven look at that culture right.
We just don't get to look atone thing.
(27:35):
It's complex.
All of it has added layers toit, and it's important that we
reflect on that.
Brad Aldrich (27:46):
And look, here's the thing Sexual intimacy is an
act of vulnerability and loss ofcontrol, and so those two
things are really hard inrelationships, and I think
that's exactly what God designedsexual intimacy to be to be a
place where we are giving upcontrol for each other.
(28:10):
And there is a ton of intimateconnection in that space.
Sure, so we have to work onthose things of.
Why is it hard to give upcontrol right now?
Mm-hmm Right, why does thatfeel hard for both of us?
Kate Aldrich (28:26):
Yeah, yeah, to recognize.
Yeah, and that is really good.
And if you have done work onyour story and realized that
control, well, I think all of ushave a relationship with
control in our story.
It's just how it plays out, butlike that's, yeah, it's going
to give you huge insights as to,you know, that loss of control,
(28:52):
how that feels to you.
Brad Aldrich (28:54):
Oh my gosh yes, I think all of us do have a story
around control right.
And I think it is somewhatculturally, even in sex, for men
to maintain control, but theydon't necessarily want that
right.
Not all guys want that in anyway, shape or form.
So I think that there is a lossof control just by nature of
(29:20):
having sex right, that we haveto wrestle with what the
emotions are around that.
And many times when we talk tocouples who are having trouble
initiating sex that it's quiteinfrequent.
It is these questions aroundvulnerability, connection and
control.
Mm-hmm yeah.
(29:40):
Right.
So those are the places that welook first is what's going on
in overall safety in therelationship, emotional safety.
People can express themselves,can get vulnerable, people can
be willing to give up controlfor a minute right and be in
that place and then growingdesire.
(30:01):
That's there.
There are times that we seecouples when there's some
physical elements happening SureRight, men with ED, women with
some painful situations or lackof lubrication, women with some
painful situations or lack oflubrication, like those kind of
things.
That often are places that wecan work around.
(30:22):
I guess.
I would want to say it's notlike they disappear
automatically, but they'rethings that we can do to start
towards what sexuality lookslike for the couple.
You know to start towards whatsexuality looks like for the
couple, yeah.
So those, honestly, I would saythose are less hurdles than the
(30:43):
relationship hurdles.
Kate Aldrich (30:45):
I bet that's not what people expected to hear
Exactly Right.
Brad Aldrich (30:54):
I think when I see you know a guy who's wrestling
with some ED and then is pulledaway from desire because it's
hard, I'm like, okay, there'sstuff we can do here, right,
there's so much possible to worktowards as a couple to get
through that.
I think the harder is whenthere's lots of desire but
there's a disconnection in therelationship that kind kind of
(31:17):
again traditional or, or youknow, stereotypical is the guy
is trying to use sex to connectand the wife is like what they
what used to be called frigid,and I think that is a terrible
term oh my goodness because it'sit's putting her in a box, but
I think the guys are feelingthat frigid because it's her way
(31:39):
of saying no, I don't want that, I'm looking for something else
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:45):
That's a horrible term.
I know it should be.
I'm using it.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
I'm using it only as an example, because I think a
lot of people feel that um, andwill even say that as a weapon,
where it's such a small factor,right, like there may not be
any sexual desire, but it's notthat she's frigid.
In fact, usually she's askingfor something entirely different
.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Right, and I think that's yeah.
That's the key.
When you start to feel thedisconnect overall in your
relationship, that's when youneed to reach out and allow
someone to help you untangle it.
Because, if you don't have allthat layers of hurt, we can get
(32:32):
there so much quicker.
And I will tell you so manytimes I've, you know, I meet
with women who've been betrayed,but I also meet with women who
have been the betrayer andoftentimes they'll say, no, it
was just about sex.
And I'm like no, it's neverjust about sex.
Yeah, and so right.
(32:53):
So like there's so much moreinvolved in that.
And when you find yourconnections are lacking, it's a
great time to figure out what'sgoing on and how we figure out
connection.
Brad Aldrich (33:06):
Hey, and I will say all the time I find it so
brave of couples when they cancome and they go like we
recognize something's missing inour sex life and we want to
figure it out before it hasadditional issues, additional
problems, because it is this ishard to talk about, right?
(33:30):
We're sitting here saying partof the problem is having trouble
with vulnerability and we'resaying go, go, talk to somebody
else about it.
That's hard to do.
Kate Aldrich (33:39):
It is.
It is, but it is very hard.
But you know counseling issuper confidential for a reason
Right and I would encourage you.
Is that harder than losing thatconnection with your spouse and
living in a house feeling likeyou're alone, where you're
living with your spouse, like Ihear you?
(34:01):
I'm not saying it's easy, but Iam saying the alternative to me
looks lonely and lessattractive.
Brad Aldrich (34:13):
Which I think is really powerful and I think we
need need to hear, right is, um?
I don't think any of us want tolive as roommates with our
spouse, but we often end upthere, um, just because we don't
know how to get some help yeahso yeah hey, we we're so honored
(34:36):
to work with some of thosecouples and we have a bunch of
people on our team who also workwith those couples.
Kate Aldrich (34:43):
And we were one of those couples and many of the
people on our team have hadsimilar stories or had to work
through things.
Brad Aldrich (34:51):
Yeah, and so it's not a thing of shame it is a
time to say you know, I wouldlove us to move into the next
phase of our relationship,having better sexual intimacy
together, and I'm a part of it.
Kate Aldrich (35:10):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (35:10):
I recognize this.
Like we started by saying theproblem is not them, it's us, so
how do we?
How do we tackle this?
Kate Aldrich (35:19):
yeah, and make sure you're saying that part and
I like the better sex, becausethat doesn't always mean it's
better numbers, not that, notthat that shouldn't be a goal,
but the reality is you bothbeing connected and enjoying
that time is the goal.
Yeah.
More than how often Correct so.
Brad Aldrich (35:43):
It's so true, and I think that is an easier goal
to get to, and I think mostlower drive spouses would be
surprised to hear.
It's really not about thefrequency.
It's about the desire and theconnection.
Yeah.
(36:05):
So I hope that helps a littlebit.
I hope that encourages some ofyou to maybe have some hard
conversations right, we get thatthis is not an easy one.
Yeah conversations right.
We get that this is not an easyone, and to talk about like how
do we move into a healthierpattern in our sex life?
Are you happy with the patternin your sex life?
(36:26):
Are these questions that youguys can sit down and actually
talk about is a really reallygood sign?
Kate Aldrich (36:32):
So yeah.
Brad Aldrich (36:35):
Well, I hope that was helpful.
We are excited to continue onthis journey of becoming one.
I love that we can just do ittogether and keep on that
journey, and so until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:54):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:01):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at wwwsteelebecomingonecom
(37:23):
and don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts, and be sure to followus to continue your journey on
Still Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Wow, that was a cheery greeting.
It was like it's sunny andlovely outside.
Brad Aldrich (00:40):
And it is not.
Kate Aldrich (00:42):
It's not outside and it is not.
It's not, yeah, no, it is rainyand yucky and while we're not
in the path of the hurricane.
Brad Aldrich (00:52):
Yeah, a lot, a lot of people just were.
So yeah, breaks my heart, thosepictures oh, my goodness, so,
but we hope that this is findingall of you Okay.
I hope so for sure.
And Restoring.
We had such a wonderful timelast week with Shannon and had
(01:13):
some really good conversationsabout what is this sexual
confidence thing?
Kate Aldrich (01:20):
Yeah, on tap.
Brad Aldrich (01:22):
Sexual confidence on tap, that's right.
Kate Aldrich (01:24):
I really like your name.
Brad Aldrich (01:26):
I said that last time, so we thought we would
actually kind of follow up thatconversation with this idea that
we hear often and it's not justfrom husbands, although you
know that's kind of thestereotype, but we do hear it
often from couples of somebodysaying I want to have more sex
in our marriage, and you know,then it's this thing of they
(01:52):
feel like they've tried and allthey get is stonewalled and they
don't know what to do.
Kate Aldrich (02:00):
Yeah, yeah, and I think you know, obviously when
we meet with couples like that,we have to dig a little bit to
see when did it start?
How did it start?
Lots of other things, like lotsof things, contribute to it.
Brad Aldrich (02:14):
It's not just asymmetrical because I think
most people feel like it's aus-them problem One person wants
more and so then the otherperson isn't, is the problem
Right, and I think it reallydoes need to be looked at.
Kate Aldrich (02:36):
Yeah, I think many times.
Both people actually want more,but the one with lower desire,
for lack of a better term,doesn't know how to get there.
Brad Aldrich (02:47):
Like obviously the other Doesn't know how to
express it maybe.
Kate Aldrich (02:50):
No, I don't think it's that Like.
I think when you and I wentthrough our journey it's one
part that doesn't get talkedabout I wasn't like, oh yeah, I
just don't ever want to have sexagain, right?
Right.
Like I wished we were in abetter place with it too.
I wished I wanted it more.
I just didn't know how we couldget to that place right, yeah,
(03:14):
no.
Brad Aldrich (03:14):
So both of you feel frozen in that.
Kate Aldrich (03:17):
I think that's often not talked about.
I think it's often portrayedthat the other person just
doesn't want sex.
Brad Aldrich (03:22):
Yeah, that's exactly right.
And that sometimes can be thecase, but that's not always the
case.
Okay, so let's actually startthis by talking about, like,
what frequency should a couplehave?
Kate Aldrich (03:36):
Yeah, I think that's where we start with
couples.
We don't give a number we, wedon't.
Brad Aldrich (03:42):
We give this very, very interesting broad range
because we've heard so manyissues, um, and our, our huge
broad range that we usually talkabout is it should not have to
be every day.
Yeah, and it's not.
Don't hear, it can't be everyday it can be it's fine, but it
(04:04):
shouldn't have to be, because wecertainly have run into some
couples where somebody is suchthe high desire that they feel
like if they're they'redemanding it every day and if
they don't get that and that'snot okay, that's not appropriate
, right?
um, so that demand is theproblem, not the frequency in
that case.
And then on the other side, weusually say, if it's less than
(04:29):
once a month, there are someother things going on, right?
There's some other parts ofthis that we would have to
explore.
Kate Aldrich (04:38):
Right, we also talk about the couple, just like
having a conversation of foreach of you, what would be ideal
, and then how do we meet in themiddle of that?
Brad Aldrich (04:48):
yeah, and when we do that, when we get couples to
say like hey, what, what wouldyour frequency rate be if you
will?
Um, often, often, we will find,you know, one person going
something like well, for me oncea week would be great, and one
person going something like well, for me once a week would be
great, and the other persongoing well, like three times a
(05:09):
week would be great.
But then they're shocked thatthe other person said once a
week, really Right.
And it goes back to what youwere saying, because they feel
like they're only having itmaybe once a month and it's like
but you want it once a week,like I'd be really happy if we
had it right.
Like all of a sudden they'relike wait, there's some hope
(05:30):
here and that's where we startgetting into.
Maybe there's some other thingsmissing.
Kate Aldrich (05:37):
Right and through all of this feeling overwhelming
, the communication has evenbroken down.
It's totally broken down, yeah,and the ability to express
wants and desires.
Brad Aldrich (05:51):
Right and I'm okay .
So we can maybe go from thebeginning to the end like jump
to the end Short podcast.
No, we'll go to the middlebecause that's the important
part.
But the end that we get to ishow do you actually express
desire?
Because I can go back to, and Irecognize in my not healthy
(06:14):
times I would do one of twothings.
I would either use some lockerroom methods to kind of go do
you wanna?
Without really putting myselfout there right, I yeah grab
things inappropriately.
Or, you know, just kind of dosomething weird to kind of see
(06:36):
if I get that positive interest.
I was I was a child um no thatpoint.
Kate Aldrich (06:44):
No, it was not that bad.
Brad Aldrich (06:46):
It was not, but I think a lot of guys do the same
things, right, like they do that, and what they're doing is
seeing if there's interestbefore they put any desire out
there, because they don't wantthe rejection.
Kate Aldrich (07:00):
That's really what's happening.
I don't understand that,because aren't you still getting
the rejection, potentially?
Brad Aldrich (07:04):
Yes, we are, but we can always kind of do the
passive thing.
Well, I really wasn't expectingit anyway.
So then it feels less rejecting.
Kate Aldrich (07:16):
Then you get a power struggle going on, which
is a whole other thing.
Brad Aldrich (07:19):
So that's one of the methods I would use.
The other, probably a littlemore common for me, was I would
just try to read you.
Kate Aldrich (07:28):
Right, Like I'd come home.
Brad Aldrich (07:29):
That was a mistake , yeah well, just teasing the
problem is I'd read the wrongthings, like I'd come home and
be like okay, how was your day?
And I would hear oh man, it wasreally long, I'm tired and I
would immediately go okay, she'snot interested.
Kate Aldrich (07:48):
Guys toddlers toddlers, toddlers.
Brad Aldrich (07:49):
I would just kind of flip to this.
Okay, she's not interested, solet's just take that off the
menu and I wouldn't say anythingabout my desire.
Kate Aldrich (07:59):
Or try to and you've just been working too,
but this is often a dynamic wehear about try to and you've
just been working too, but thisis often a dynamic we hear about
.
Instead of coming home, hearingit was a long, tiring day,
which I do get with toddlerswhat day isn't but coming home
and saying okay, you know whatcan I do?
To give you a 20 minute halfhour break while the kids are
(08:21):
getting ready for bed, orwhatever that would allow you to
feel more like a wife and lesslike a mom.
Brad Aldrich (08:28):
Yeah, no, I think that's and that's the hard
middle.
So, like this expressing desirething, we have to figure out
how to actually use language,and not just language three
minutes before.
Right, like I always say, ifyou've jumped into bed to go to
(08:50):
bed at night and you have nothad any expression of desire
before that, it's a really,really crappy time to do that
right, because your brain isalready working towards shutting
down and right, like, like.
So we have to learn how toexpress desire for our spouse in
a million different ways, indifferent times, and that could
(09:13):
be through extended hugs, thatcould be through more passionate
kisses wait, these are stillnot words.
I know I'm getting there, orthey can and should be through
words.
Kate Aldrich (09:29):
Yeah, because I think even those things are
really good, because you know,brad, and I say like foreplay
should be an all day thingthrough text, through
communication, throughconnection, like there should be
other connecting pointsthroughout the day.
That's going to help things, nomatter what.
But unspoken it just getsblurry and like I'm not sure if
(09:52):
that's what you mean.
Brad Aldrich (09:54):
Well, and that's one of the complaints that I
hear from the higher drivespouse all the time is they have
tried to use hugs and kisses asa way of initiating and then
eventually those get shut downRight.
So tell me a little bit moreabout that, Because you are one
(10:14):
who have said often how much youenjoy longer hugs, how much you
want to kiss and yet not haveit necessarily be about that
communication.
Tell me a little bit about that.
I'm putting you on the spot Ilove it.
Kate Aldrich (10:29):
I wish you could see his face right now.
Tell me about that.
Um, I mean, I I guess I sithere and I'm like what, what?
I don't understand.
What do I need to explain toyou?
But anyways, we'll do itanyways.
Brad Aldrich (10:42):
See guys.
Kate Aldrich (10:46):
But I think you know most people out there
speaking on marriage will saythe same things.
Physical touch can not onlymean sex, because people are
then going to pull away Because,well, no offense, but if we're
married every single day and wehave physical touch every single
(11:08):
day, we hold hands, that meanswe have to have sex.
Like that's not going to work.
So I think, but we also need tounderstand, that non-sexual
touch is important forconnection and so it needs to be
a connecting point, but it alsoneeds to not be a pressure
point right and so I think you,just you have to make it a goal
(11:33):
to have some of it.
Brad Aldrich (11:34):
That doesn't lead to anything and when you say not
lead to anything.
So when I come up behind you atthe sink and grab you and hold
on to you, right, I am notexpecting anything in the next
five minutes or the next hour no, I mean, if you come up to me
at the sink, you could just dothe dishes, just saying I mean
(11:58):
I'm obviously romantic,obviously at the sink for a
reason.
Kate Aldrich (12:02):
So okay, but beside that, I got lost in the
dishes.
What did you say?
Brad Aldrich (12:09):
Like I'm not expecting anything in that
minute, but there is often aexpression of desire that
happens in those touches.
Kate Aldrich (12:21):
Okay, and does that mean it's an expression of
desire for that day, like not?
Brad Aldrich (12:29):
necessarily there's no expression of desire.
Kate Aldrich (12:31):
I understand that and I get that, but that doesn't
necessarily mean that desirewill be expressed through sex
that day correct, and I thinkthat's exactly what I wanted to
get to is well there you go theexpression of desire that you
think people are uncomfortablewith, or is it the obligation to
then follow that up with seximmediately or that day, or
(12:53):
something like that?
That's a really hard questionbecause you know me, I just I
can't be surface level anymore.
Like that there could be bothgoing on.
There could be one or the othergoing on.
I think, as a culture, andespecially women in the United
(13:14):
States I can't speak for othercultures, I won't speak for
other cultures there is a directcorrelation with desire and
being able to express it andunderstand it.
I think there is for men too,but I think it's very different,
because I think you deal with alot of men who can express
(13:35):
desire for sex, but expressingdesire for other things is very
difficult.
Correct?
Women, though, especially inthe church, are raised in a tamp
down.
Your desire.
You're the reason he has desirethat he shouldn't have.
I could go on and on that heshouldn't have, like there's all
kinds of I mean, I could go onand on, Like there's all kinds
(13:57):
of unhealthy messages that Ithink shut down a woman's desire
.
And yeah, it just can be verytricky.
And I know for me, like tryingto understand who I am and what
I love was a journey, and that'snot just sexual, it's desire in
general, what, what I love wasa journey, and that's not just
sexual, it's desire in general,what do I love what?
(14:19):
makes me me Unapologeticallykind of thing.
So I think, yeah, I don't know,it's muddy.
And I think it's something.
It's messy, no pun intended,but I think that we it's
something each one of us has toexplore, to understand if it's a
(14:41):
challenge.
Brad Aldrich (14:41):
but I imagine for most of us, desire is either
overactive or underactive right,I and I totally agree, and I
think there is this place forguys where that desire is more
kind of pushed out when it comesto sexual desire, right Like so
(15:04):
they're going to do somethingto try to express it and then
like pull back because thatrejection factor is there.
So I think, when it comes todesire for rest or self-care or
things like that, I think thatit's very different.
There's less of that like I'mgoing to go pursue this for sure
(15:26):
, kind of thing, gotcha.
But I think most guys have notlearned how to use language
around expressing desire for sexin a healthy way, right, and
they don't.
It's not easy, right?
Like how do you be romantic andnot crude?
Kate Aldrich (15:50):
And make someone feel like they're just.
Brad Aldrich (15:52):
Right.
Make somebody feel cherished,not a piece of meat right right,
it's difficult to do, and so Ithink then we shy away from it
sure yeah and I will say it'sgoing to be different for every
couple but, it's something thatyou guys need to navigate
together of hey, how do you havewords that mean I would love to
(16:16):
spend time with you, or havecode words for can we sneak away
and have sex so the kids don'tknow what we're doing?
Whatever, it is that you guyshave done to create some
language for expression ofdesire, some language for
(16:42):
expression of desire, and thatneeds to be able to be
considered.
I'm not saying that every timesomebody expresses desire you
have to say yes by any means,but I think there is a place
where we want to encourage theappropriate expressions of
desire and, you know, helpingpeople to learn how to use
language that makes you feelgood is a part of that yeah, to
(17:04):
feel valued and cherished, thatthis is something I want to
share with you, not just this issomething I want to experience.
Yes, yes, and I think that is sotrue.
Now I'm obviously talking aboutguys are not always the ones
expressing the desire, and theyshouldn't be.
Kate Aldrich (17:25):
Yeah, no.
Brad Aldrich (17:26):
Right, Like every guy, even I will say even
especially the higher desireguys truly desire their wife to
desire them.
It is something I hear all thetime from guys who have even
very, very high sexual desiresthat they have a craving to see
(17:51):
that their wife actually desiresthem.
So this has to go bothdirections and learning language
both directions.
To say I would like to have sexwith you in some language is
really important.
Kate Aldrich (18:08):
Yeah, I think, too , remembering there's more than
a yes or no, and what I mean bythat is, I think, you know, when
we get into murky waters withall of this, it feels like
there's only the yes or the no,the rejection or the not being
rejected.
But one of the things that Itried to put into practice and I
(18:33):
think now we both put intopractice, like because we both
put into practice, because youknow, there are times for both
of us that it's like, you know,just kind of checking where
you're at, kind of thing and Ithink it really is the stopping
for a second and thinking right,yeah, because it doesn't always
(18:57):
have to be a no, it could belike, uh, yeah, like I could,
you know, I could be convincednot, not, not in a way where you
are feeling pressured okay,that's not what I mean, that you
have to, anything like that butyou stop and you think, oh, it
wasn't necessarily on my mindright now, but I'm not opposed.
Brad Aldrich (19:19):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:20):
And so, yeah, let's let's like explore that
and have fun.
Like it doesn't always, but Ithink sometimes we think, cause
it's not on our mind, it has tobe a no, and I think sometimes
women also feel like it has tobe a yes.
So then it feels like I don'tactually get a say in this.
Like.
None of those are really whatwe want it to be.
Brad Aldrich (19:42):
But it doesn't only have to be a no, because we
weren't thinking about it andsome of that comes from you
learning that often desire andarousal are two different
processes that come, you know,in interesting times.
Kate Aldrich (20:03):
Our traditional, the way we traditionally think
about it, is we have desire andthat leads to arousal, right,
and I think you've learned, andwe've certainly talked about
before, that that is not theonly way that these two things
interact well, and I think thatcan be true for men too
absolutely is and it's notnecessarily true for every woman
(20:26):
, it's not necessarily trueevery time, but, yes, it is the
process of uh, you know, Idesire this with you, but
arousal has not happened yet,and that's okay, right, right,
and it does often happen laterin the process, and that's okay.
Brad Aldrich (20:47):
Right, right, and desire sometimes shows up later
in the process.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (20:53):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (20:53):
Okay.
Now we said we're going to getto the middle, and I think some
of the middle can be talkedabout just simply by saying I
think a lot of men use sex asthe way to connect safely with
their spouse, that if they feeldisconnected from them with
(21:14):
their spouse, that if they feeldisconnected from them, they
want to have sex in order tofeel connected, and I think most
women do not feel comfortablehaving sex if they don't feel
connected.
Kate Aldrich (21:27):
Yeah, again, that is a generalization, so I don't
think everybody is going to feelthat way, but I do think that
that can very typically be thecase.
Um, but I always want to becautious, because stereotypes
always make somebody feel leftout or like something is wrong
with them, and that is not thecase that, if you don't feel
(21:49):
that way, so well, if you don't,what that means is you're
feeling safe in yourrelationship.
Brad Aldrich (21:56):
It's just you weren't thinking about sex at
the time, which is fine, orfeeling connected, which is good
but I think women can also.
Kate Aldrich (22:04):
Some women do see sex, as we are connected again.
So I think it can be completelyreversed is what I'm saying.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
You're not broken, you're notwrong.
I just think, overallgeneralities, it does tend to be
(22:25):
that way.
Brad Aldrich (22:27):
I think it's an important thing to learn that
these two realities of sexualdesire and desire for connection
do somewhat run together, butthey need to be both considered
and I would say, if you havejust not felt connected to your
(22:53):
partner for whatever reasonconflict, just distance that
jumping into sex may not be theright answer.
Now, that is contrary to everymovie that we see that it's like
oh, we've been away from eachother for a long time, so we're
going to immediately jump intohaving sex.
Kate Aldrich (23:15):
Which is fine.
Brad Aldrich (23:16):
Right, and that happens if it's that kind of
distance, but they're like,think about it.
In most of those times there'slots of emotional intimacy while
you're apart from each other.
That is leading to that desirewhen you see each other when you
see each other, and I thinkthat's the place that's often
(23:37):
missing in our normal kind ofday-to-day relationship.
We have not had a chance tocreate emotional desire for each
other.
Kate Aldrich (23:46):
Yeah, I mean, I think just keeping those things
in mind is important.
Just checking where you are,where your spouse is trying to
be cognizant of that, I think ishuge.
Brad Aldrich (24:02):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (24:03):
So yeah, I mean it is more complex than I think
any of us ever thought when wegot married.
Brad Aldrich (24:10):
Oh my gosh, absolutely, Because I think at
that place, well, for most of usthere was time that was going
on that we weren't having sex,that we were creating a lot of
connection and so that wasleading to a lot of desire, and
then so that played out in thebeginning.
(24:30):
Mm-hmm.
But I think we then continue inlife and there's things that
pull us in different directionsKids, work, money, obligations,
family, like all these thingsand we get emotionally
disconnected.
Kate Aldrich (24:49):
Yeah, I think you know I'm mostly going to say
this on any podcast that we do.
I'm mostly going to say this onany any podcasts that we do.
But I also think we have totake in and consider trauma from
our families around sexualintimacy, understanding of it,
teaching of it.
You know just how sex ingeneral has been portrayed in
(25:14):
your family or not, and I thinkthere's also we have to
understand for us the culturalpiece.
I mean, as I said, growing upin the united states as a woman,
I don't think, and as a manactually thinking about it from
your perspective like so much ofhow men have been shaped is how
(25:35):
they've been sex has beenportrayed for them oh,
absolutely and for women, rightthat there is this piece of like
.
Well, it's mainly for men, youknow, coming out of that culture
no, it's.
Brad Aldrich (25:51):
It has entirely been said that sex is for men's
pleasure for a very long timeand women have to put up with it
.
And so there is this stereotypeout there that says you
shouldn't enjoy it, you shouldwant less of it, right?
And and so some of that'shappening without even really
understanding where that'scoming from.
Kate Aldrich (26:13):
Well, and our parents are carrying that in
their DNA and people say, oh,that's so old school, but it
still impacts us.
And, yes, it can change, butthat takes generation after
generation after generation andyou have to be aware of what
needs to change.
Brad Aldrich (26:31):
Correct, and I'll tell you just from the other
side.
I do talk with men who arelower desire, and every one of
them deals with this question ofdoes this make me less manly?
Somehow right, and what's wrongwith me that I'm not enough of
a man, that I want it constantlyright, because, again, that's
(26:54):
part of that culture.
So right, even if they canintellectually go right.
I know there's nothingconnected there, it's part of
the culture.
So we recognize how much thatwhat we grow up around seeps in
and for the higher drive wivesthe same, like what's wrong with
(27:15):
me?
Kate Aldrich (27:15):
Why, you know just all of those things and we have
to consider what messages orlies or different things that we
have picked up.
Yeah, absolutely, and then Ithink for those who've grown up
in the church, you've got toeven look at that culture right.
We just don't get to look atone thing.
(27:35):
It's complex.
All of it has added layers toit, and it's important that we
reflect on that.
Brad Aldrich (27:46):
And look, here's the thing Sexual intimacy is an
act of vulnerability and loss ofcontrol, and so those two
things are really hard inrelationships, and I think
that's exactly what God designedsexual intimacy to be to be a
place where we are giving upcontrol for each other.
(28:10):
And there is a ton of intimateconnection in that space.
Sure, so we have to work onthose things of.
Why is it hard to give upcontrol right now?
Mm-hmm Right, why does thatfeel hard for both of us?
Kate Aldrich (28:26):
Yeah, yeah, to recognize.
Yeah, and that is really good.
And if you have done work onyour story and realized that
control, well, I think all of ushave a relationship with
control in our story.
It's just how it plays out, butlike that's, yeah, it's going
to give you huge insights as to,you know, that loss of control,
(28:52):
how that feels to you.
Brad Aldrich (28:54):
Oh my gosh yes, I think all of us do have a story
around control right.
And I think it is somewhatculturally, even in sex, for men
to maintain control, but theydon't necessarily want that
right.
Not all guys want that in anyway, shape or form.
So I think that there is a lossof control just by nature of
(29:20):
having sex right, that we haveto wrestle with what the
emotions are around that.
And many times when we talk tocouples who are having trouble
initiating sex that it's quiteinfrequent.
It is these questions aroundvulnerability, connection and
control.
Mm-hmm yeah.
(29:40):
Right.
So those are the places that welook first is what's going on
in overall safety in therelationship, emotional safety.
People can express themselves,can get vulnerable, people can
be willing to give up controlfor a minute right and be in
that place and then growingdesire.
(30:01):
That's there.
There are times that we seecouples when there's some
physical elements happening SureRight, men with ED, women with
some painful situations or lackof lubrication, women with some
painful situations or lack oflubrication, like those kind of
things.
That often are places that wecan work around.
(30:22):
I guess.
I would want to say it's notlike they disappear
automatically, but they'rethings that we can do to start
towards what sexuality lookslike for the couple.
You know to start towards whatsexuality looks like for the
couple, yeah.
So those, honestly, I would saythose are less hurdles than the
(30:43):
relationship hurdles.
Kate Aldrich (30:45):
I bet that's not what people expected to hear
Exactly Right.
Brad Aldrich (30:54):
I think when I see you know a guy who's wrestling
with some ED and then is pulledaway from desire because it's
hard, I'm like, okay, there'sstuff we can do here, right,
there's so much possible to worktowards as a couple to get
through that.
I think the harder is whenthere's lots of desire but
there's a disconnection in therelationship that kind kind of
(31:17):
again traditional or, or youknow, stereotypical is the guy
is trying to use sex to connectand the wife is like what they
what used to be called frigid,and I think that is a terrible
term oh my goodness because it'sit's putting her in a box, but
I think the guys are feelingthat frigid because it's her way
(31:39):
of saying no, I don't want that, I'm looking for something else
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:45):
That's a horrible term.
I know it should be.
I'm using it.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
I'm using it only as an example, because I think a
lot of people feel that um, andwill even say that as a weapon,
where it's such a small factor,right, like there may not be
any sexual desire, but it's notthat she's frigid.
In fact, usually she's askingfor something entirely different
.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Right, and I think that's yeah.
That's the key.
When you start to feel thedisconnect overall in your
relationship, that's when youneed to reach out and allow
someone to help you untangle it.
Because, if you don't have allthat layers of hurt, we can get
(32:32):
there so much quicker.
And I will tell you so manytimes I've, you know, I meet
with women who've been betrayed,but I also meet with women who
have been the betrayer andoftentimes they'll say, no, it
was just about sex.
And I'm like no, it's neverjust about sex.
Yeah, and so right.
(32:53):
So like there's so much moreinvolved in that.
And when you find yourconnections are lacking, it's a
great time to figure out what'sgoing on and how we figure out
connection.
Brad Aldrich (33:06):
Hey, and I will say all the time I find it so
brave of couples when they cancome and they go like we
recognize something's missing inour sex life and we want to
figure it out before it hasadditional issues, additional
problems, because it is this ishard to talk about, right?
(33:30):
We're sitting here saying partof the problem is having trouble
with vulnerability and we'resaying go, go, talk to somebody
else about it.
That's hard to do.
Kate Aldrich (33:39):
It is.
It is, but it is very hard.
But you know counseling issuper confidential for a reason
Right and I would encourage you.
Is that harder than losing thatconnection with your spouse and
living in a house feeling likeyou're alone, where you're
living with your spouse, like Ihear you?
(34:01):
I'm not saying it's easy, but Iam saying the alternative to me
looks lonely and lessattractive.
Brad Aldrich (34:13):
Which I think is really powerful and I think we
need need to hear, right is, um?
I don't think any of us want tolive as roommates with our
spouse, but we often end upthere, um, just because we don't
know how to get some help yeahso yeah hey, we we're so honored
(34:36):
to work with some of thosecouples and we have a bunch of
people on our team who also workwith those couples.
Kate Aldrich (34:43):
And we were one of those couples and many of the
people on our team have hadsimilar stories or had to work
through things.
Brad Aldrich (34:51):
Yeah, and so it's not a thing of shame it is a
time to say you know, I wouldlove us to move into the next
phase of our relationship,having better sexual intimacy
together, and I'm a part of it.
Kate Aldrich (35:10):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (35:10):
I recognize this.
Like we started by saying theproblem is not them, it's us, so
how do we?
How do we tackle this?
Kate Aldrich (35:19):
yeah, and make sure you're saying that part and
I like the better sex, becausethat doesn't always mean it's
better numbers, not that, notthat that shouldn't be a goal,
but the reality is you bothbeing connected and enjoying
that time is the goal.
Yeah.
More than how often Correct so.
Brad Aldrich (35:43):
It's so true, and I think that is an easier goal
to get to, and I think mostlower drive spouses would be
surprised to hear.
It's really not about thefrequency.
It's about the desire and theconnection.
Yeah.
(36:05):
So I hope that helps a littlebit.
I hope that encourages some ofyou to maybe have some hard
conversations right, we get thatthis is not an easy one.
Yeah conversations right.
We get that this is not an easyone, and to talk about like how
do we move into a healthierpattern in our sex life?
Are you happy with the patternin your sex life?
(36:26):
Are these questions that youguys can sit down and actually
talk about is a really reallygood sign?
Kate Aldrich (36:32):
So yeah.
Brad Aldrich (36:35):
Well, I hope that was helpful.
We are excited to continue onthis journey of becoming one.
I love that we can just do ittogether and keep on that
journey, and so until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:54):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:01):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at wwwsteelebecomingonecom
(37:23):
and don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts, and be sure to followus to continue your journey on
Still Becoming One.
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