April 16, 2025 • 37 mins
Brad and Kate Aldrich challenge the common belief that marriage problems stem from choosing the wrong person, revealing how our personal stories shape relationship patterns regardless of who we marry.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
We're in a weird place today, so it's probably
best to just be forewarned.
It's awfully dreary here inPennsylvania.
Brad Aldrich (00:47):
Yeah, it is, I guess.
Kate Aldrich (00:49):
I can't claim it for the whole state, but where
we live it's yuck and cold andwe had a very fun weekend with
lots of things that are specialto our family, and so it was a
good weekend in many ways.
And then it was a stressful,tiring weekend for completely
(01:09):
other reasons, and so we're in astrange place and Brad and I
just were saying I said, whenlife gives you lemons, and he
decided to be the man that Imarried, who I love so much, and
said Life doesn't actually giveyou lemons.
Well, no.
What did you say first?
Brad Aldrich (01:26):
You said we make them.
Kate Aldrich (01:29):
And I was like what?
And he's like lemons are notnatural, they're manmade guys.
This is this is my life.
Brad Aldrich (01:38):
When life gives you lemons.
We were never supposed to havelemons in the first place.
We bred them.
We've made them out of orangesand bitter oranges and citrons
and bred them into lemons.
Kate Aldrich (01:49):
I made him look it up and then I said what about
limes?
Brad Aldrich (01:56):
No, actually, what she said is you can fact check
that for me.
So I re-showed her that I'm notthe only one who said this.
Kate Aldrich (01:59):
No, I said you got to look that up.
I know that's what I said.
And so then I I said look uplimes too, because I don't
believe you, because limes areman-made as well so life never
gave you lemons, you we designedthem, and now we have to
complain about having lemons sothat saying that sheds a lot of
(02:20):
light on that saying and in away, that's yeah, we're not
contemplating that for our lifedecisions right now.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
No, we're just yeah, no, but that actually goes
a little bit with the topicthat we said we were going to
talk about today.
Kate Aldrich (02:36):
Oh, didn't make that connection until now.
I didn't either until just now.
But it works Okay.
Brad Aldrich (02:42):
Right, because one of the things that we hear from
people every once in a while ismore often than you yeah, more
often than you think is.
You know we're having marriageproblems and it really just goes
back to I picked the wrongperson or I didn't choose well I
didn't choose.
Kate Aldrich (02:59):
That too it's not always the wrong person, but
maybe I I chose wrong.
Like um, I just didn't thinkabout all these things and it's
just we'll get into some of that.
That's an interesting thought,um, yeah, so.
Brad Aldrich (03:14):
I think many times I end up hearing that as people
almost going, uh like, allright, I need to get out of my
marriage and it's really, it's aproblem because I just picked
the wrong person.
We're not right for each otherand so now I just need to get
out and start over.
Kate Aldrich (03:35):
I don't know that it's always that, but I think it
.
I mean, some people are lookingfor that.
I think it also gives people alike okay, this isn't working.
Maybe they don't specificallywant out, but we chose wrong.
So we can just kind of continueto say that's the reason we are
where we are, if that makessense, like.
(03:58):
I think it gives them a senseof like, okay, I just chose
wrong.
Yeah.
And it's like I don't know thatthat's the case, Because
wherever you go there, you are.
Brad Aldrich (04:12):
Well, I think I mean.
The first part in this is torecognize that we chose our
spouse for a reason.
Kate Aldrich (04:25):
Should we get into why you chose me?
Brad Aldrich (04:27):
I know why I chose you, but there were reasons
behind it, right?
Because I?
Kate Aldrich (04:33):
was hilarious.
Brad Aldrich (04:34):
There's reasons that we chose their personality.
There were reasons that wechose their quirks, their
positives, their negatives, allthe above.
Kate Aldrich (04:46):
Okay, yep, no, I know this to be true, but now I
am really curious why you chooseme, man.
Brad Aldrich (04:54):
Well, you have a layer of spunk that I think I
needed in my life and havealways needed in my life, right?
Is that a surprise to literallyanybody?
Kate Aldrich (05:10):
Oh, my word though , guys.
He has made it abundantly clearover almost 26 years of
marriage he does not need it inthe morning, that's true, and he
does not need it before atleast two cups of coffee.
Brad Aldrich (05:21):
That's true too, but there was a place where some
of that side of you I certainlyneeded.
Kate Aldrich (05:31):
Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich (05:32):
And we're not even getting into the family
dynamics and the other parts oflife that were certainly very
attractive.
Kate Aldrich (05:40):
Yeah, yeah, so it was spunk, but what about you?
Brad Aldrich (05:46):
Why did you marry me then?
Kate Aldrich (05:47):
My goodness Cause.
You were.
First of all, you were cute.
Brad Aldrich (05:51):
I skipped over that part too.
Kate Aldrich (05:53):
Thanks a lot for skipping over that part, anyways
, cause you were extremelyadorable, cute, handsome and
really good at connecting, goodat communicating, um, good at
(06:13):
having really deep conversations.
So probably bringing that depthto my needing, needing to have
levity in my life.
Yeah.
Um, I didn't.
It's really funny, though Ifeel like this is getting off on
a tangent, but I don't rememberbeing super snarky or funny in
(06:34):
my family.
There really wasn't space andmy family was a high respect
family.
So there wasn't like I respectfamily, so there wasn't like
that would not have beendelivered and received well.
So I don't remember doing a lotof that.
Actually, I do believe.
It's a piece of me that I'veembraced over the years.
(06:55):
I think levity when we met, butthen it's grown into other
things.
Sometimes my kids don'tappreciate it either, but and I
try to honor that.
So, anyways, I think even thosethings have morphed and changed
as you know your story andbecome more of who you are.
Brad Aldrich (07:13):
Right?
No, I totally agree there is,but there's elements of it,
right, and I think every coupleprobably needs to look back and
go man, what were those thingsthat drew me to that person?
Right?
And maybe we need to have alittle bit of the Christianese
(07:34):
conversation here of like doesGod have a person for us?
Kate Aldrich (07:42):
I was going to say , if you guys could see our
facial expressions this morning,what the Christian needs.
Do we really need to bring itin?
It doesn't really help anybody.
Brad Aldrich (07:50):
But I do believe there are plenty of people out
there that are like oh God toldme to that we were going to be
together.
Or like that, use someChristian language around.
God ordained us to be together.
Kate Aldrich (08:07):
Well, and that's kind of like I think the
language that's dangerous anddoes not work is the whole
language of you know, from thebeginning of time you have been
the one.
True because you are the personthat I married.
The one True because you arethe person that I married.
(08:31):
Also not true because thereality is, as soon as we do
something off of if we believethat God has only one path for
us, as soon as we do somethingoff of that path because we are
sinful, right, because we'reselfish people, we're already
off.
We're already off and comingback to that would be very
(08:51):
difficult.
Getting back to that right,like they're I don't know,
you're making facial expressionstoo, so I'm not sure what
you're doing, but like that'sthe problem with that.
Like I do believe praying andasking God.
Like problem with that.
Like I do believe praying andasking God.
Like are we two people thatwould be good together?
Because sometimes you do datesomeone that's you're like nope,
(09:13):
this is not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich (09:14):
And I get that.
My only face was I can go.
So much simpler than that.
I think there's so manydecisions that we agonize in
prayer over that.
There are lots of potentialyeses too.
Right, what school should I goto?
(09:35):
What job should I have?
What person should I marry?
There's lots of good potentialyeses, and I think we over
spiritualize things to go well,this has to be the thing that
you pick.
Is there sometimes a no,absolutely.
But I think there are lots ofpossible yeses and we
(09:57):
over-spiritualize it to go likeyou are the one and we've said
this before but that whole ideaof you're my other half or, um,
you're the soulmate, yes, therewe go okay, I was like I didn't
know if we were doing all kindsof fun ones like toasted jam,
you're my lemon to my lemonade.
Kate Aldrich (10:16):
Oh no, we don't.
We don't want to do that.
Brad Aldrich (10:17):
No, that you're my soulmate, like that is not a.
Are you complete me?
Yeah, that is not a Christian.
Or you complete me.
Yeah, that's not a Christianidea and all of that is really
really crappy, right.
The idea of there's one personout there that is meant to
complete your soul is aterrifyingly vague and not very
(10:40):
helpful belief.
Vague and not very helpfulbelief.
Kate Aldrich (10:44):
Well, it's putting an expectation on your spouse
which we do often do to be Jesus.
Like Jesus is the only one whocan fill that piece.
Not that filling the missingpiece can also be weird, but I
(11:05):
mean like he comes to restorewhat was broken through our
sinful choices, and only he cando that in completeness, like
our spouse can walk alongside ofus in our story and be an
encourager, be a champion, butthey can't fix us.
Brad Aldrich (11:25):
Right, correct and this is part of part of that
issue.
So this whole idea of I marriedthe right person, the wrong
person like.
What do we do with that?
Just throw it away okay, but I,I think, throw it out the
window.
Kate Aldrich (11:40):
It's not helpful right you are married to this
person outside of abuse.
We are never talking aboutabuse like outside of that.
You guys got married, you choseeach other.
It's more important to spendyour time figuring out why it
feels like it's not working,because that has everything to
do with your story and figurethat out instead of like
(12:04):
spending energy saying did Imarry the wrong person?
Here's the challenge.
I tell people you think youmarried the wrong person, but
you and I sitting here chattingwould have gotten to this point
no matter who you married.
It might have been sooner,might have been later, but your
reactions to your spouse areabout your story and I'm not
(12:26):
saying what they're doing isn'timpacting you.
That's about their story.
But like we would have had tohave this conversation at some
point, no matter what, becauseour spouse plays into our story,
partially because we chose them, because we are most
comfortable with the themes thathappen in our life as children.
(12:50):
That happened in our lives aschildren, and so we often pick
spouses that play that out right, which sounds crazy.
It's not a cognizant decision,it's's a you fit into this.
Now you also.
The great things about you knowyou for me are also true, but
(13:11):
there are pieces of my trauma,my growing up, that you fit into
well.
Yeah.
And me into yours.
Brad Aldrich (13:22):
And so one of the things that I'm kind of hearing
in everything that you're sayingis, if we believe that we
picked the wrong spouse, gettingrid of that spouse and going
back and picking again isprobably going to have us making
the same mistake.
Kate Aldrich (13:39):
Sure, it might look different and you might be
with a spouse that, whatevertheir story is, can navigate it
slightly different with you.
Like it's not that there aren'tany variables if you choose
again, and we're not.
This is not about divorce or,you know, judging or talking
poorly about it.
(14:00):
It's really about you can takeany relationship about it.
Brad Aldrich (14:06):
It's really about you can take any relationship.
I would say maybe if we hadn'tdone the work to understand why
we chose that person in thefirst place, then we would
probably be repeating it.
Kate Aldrich (14:14):
Of course, but what I was saying is like you
can even take friendships orfamily relations Okay, wait a
second.
I won't say familyrelationships, because those are
different.
We fall into patterns that fitour story.
But friendships you can seethese things playing out too.
I see patterns in myfriendships over the years, and
so it's really justunderstanding what's happening
(14:37):
for you In marriage.
It's really good to understandwhat's happening for your spouse
, and then that is where you canwalk in freedom together and
actually have a marriage thatyou wanted.
So it really is about exploringeach other's stories instead of
why are we unequally matched?
(14:59):
Why do we always do this?
Why do we never do that?
Brad Aldrich (15:03):
Why doesn't he see me?
Why doesn't she meet my need?
Why doesn't we tend to get verywhen we're hurt, we tend to get
very eye-focused of.
This is what my need, or thisis what.
I need in this situation.
This is what the other personisn't doing.
And we tend to just get veryfocused on that side of things.
Kate Aldrich (15:29):
Or it looks like.
It may look different, becauseit may look like you never, you
never, you never, but that'sstill I focused.
Brad Aldrich (15:35):
It's still, I focused right.
Kate Aldrich (15:36):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:38):
You never meet my need, you never do this thing,
you never, you know, do whateveryou know, whatever that is.
And I think many times it comesdown to this place of you
aren't?
Don't look like.
I expected you to look like.
Kate Aldrich (15:55):
Not physically.
Brad Aldrich (15:57):
Yeah, exactly Right.
No, you don't that would beweird.
You're not meeting myexpectation.
I must have picked wrong.
Kate Aldrich (16:05):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or we just weren't equally matched
, all of these kinds of things.
Yeah, we weren't compatible.
Brad Aldrich (16:11):
Oh yeah, that's one.
I hear that one all the time.
Kate Aldrich (16:14):
And it's like well , nobody's compatible.
Brad Aldrich (16:17):
Right.
In fact, that's one of thethings that we say when we're
doing premarital, like there's.
In fact, the whole idea ofcompatibility is really coming
from the dating website beliefthat if you take this test and
you guys are compatible thenyou're going to have a great
marriage and there's nowhereelse that actually says that
(16:41):
this idea of compatibility iswhat makes a great marriage,
because the problem is thatyou're different as soon as
you're done taking that test andthere is no perfect
compatibility.
There is the ability to growand communicate and listen and
(17:03):
meet each other's needs andself-sacrifice and communicate,
but it's not compatibility thatactually makes a good marriage.
Kate Aldrich (17:13):
Well, and I think people today, especially with
all the dating sites and suchwhich Brad and I have never
interacted with.
So we do honor and understandthat.
Brad Aldrich (17:24):
But there's this piece of like well if I found
each other and started datingwithout a site?
Kate Aldrich (17:29):
we did we did.
Um, but we were also 16 and 17.
So you know, I mean your poolis a little bit larger when
you're still in high school, um,but like there's this piece of
if I answer all these questionswell and someone else does as
well, then we have a betterchance.
(17:51):
I think is what people arethinking Right or we have a
higher chance, or like this isgoing to be better.
I think those things areimportant.
I mean, they used to happenwhen people would get together
and talk right, you'd learnthose things about each other,
which was definitely a differentprocess.
(18:11):
So we're trying to kind of skipover that process a bit and I
think it helps, but it's noteverything, and you just need to
remember that it helps, butit's not everything, and you
just need to remember that.
I know too we have lots ofpeople who've done well dating
in general, but specificallydating sites, like they were so
different while we were dating.
(18:33):
We hear that kind ofuniversally.
Brad Aldrich (18:37):
Yeah, you functioned or you interacted
very differently when you weredating versus when you got
married or you interacted verydifferently when you were dating
versus when you got married.
Kate Aldrich (18:45):
Which is a very kicking.
My microphone here, guys, whichis a very like survival skill.
What do you think about that?
That it looks very differentwhen we're dating.
Let's analyze this.
Brad Aldrich (18:59):
You know, I hate to oversimplify it, but there is
some place where, when we're inthe dating phase, we're kind of
in a trying to decide andtrying to obtain that person
right.
We're trying to get something,wow.
Kate Aldrich (19:21):
That sounded horrible.
Brad Aldrich (19:22):
I know it does.
I know and I'm you know guysare pretty awful in this.
Kate Aldrich (19:27):
Oh, I don't think that's necessarily true.
Brad Aldrich (19:29):
We'll do the things that is required to get
that person.
But then, once we have thatperson, our focus then goes to
the next thing.
Kate Aldrich (19:41):
all too often, the next thing, but not trying to
get that next thing.
Brad Aldrich (19:46):
Well, no, often it is, and often that next thing
is okay, I'm gonna get a houseor I'm gonna, I'm gonna get get
this job, I'm gonna get thislike so we move on to the next
thing that we have to conquestand we've had that, so we don't
need it, and that that isoversimplifying it 100%, but I
do think that's part of it ispeople put on the charm and can
(20:11):
love, bomb and build therelationship, but then, once
they have the relationship,maintaining it is less important
.
Kate Aldrich (20:20):
Is it that?
Or they don't know how to do itlong term, especially if it's
not something, a skill you'vehoned in on.
Because I think a lot of timeswe hear, you know, people say
well, I'm just, I'm just not aconversationalist, I don't know
how to do that, I don't know howto initiate intimacy.
Like I want to be fair to bothsides here.
(20:42):
There's like not one-sided thatmen stop pursuing.
There's other factors that goin there, but it does, would say
if.
If you can't relate to this, II am sorry, but like we brought
(21:11):
pets into our family, yeah, andlike you know, the kids are all
like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,gung ho, gung ho.
And then after a month it's'slike oh, this dog.
Brad Aldrich (21:23):
I have to walk them in the rain, the dog still
has to be walked like after amonth.
Kate Aldrich (21:28):
I mean, it's kind of like me, though, too, because
how many times do I say theywant fed dinner every single
night and that I underestimated?
Brad Aldrich (21:37):
So I guess, it's like About having kids yeah.
Kate Aldrich (21:39):
I guess it's like all of us right, we can do
something, but doing somethinglong term is a challenge.
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (21:47):
For us, it is, and because it moves from this
thing that I'm getting somethingout of, to now it's just a
responsibility and excitementand all kinds of things.
So I think that is some of thethings of what changes from when
we're dating to when we'remarried, and it's why we come
(22:09):
and talk so often about theimportance of continuing to date
in your marriage and continuingto pursue each other and
continuing to learn who thisperson is.
I mean, I think the most commoncomplaint we hear from couples
is we're just living our livestogether or we're living as
(22:31):
roommates or two ships passingin the wind.
that kind of idea of we canfunction just fine together, but
that's it.
There's just functioning.
Kate Aldrich (22:41):
Well, and I hear even a trend of like we parent
really well together.
We can have really goodconversations about the schedule
, but everything else breaksdown.
Brad Aldrich (22:53):
Okay.
So what do you do if youactually feel like you've
married the wrong person?
You feel this disconnection.
You've tried to figure out howto change it, but you keep
getting stuck in the samepattern of kind of going back to
maybe you'll, you know, dobetter for a couple of weeks and
(23:15):
then it just kind of slidesback into being roommates
together and functioningtogether.
What do you do?
Kate Aldrich (23:22):
Well, we work with couples to figure out why
they're doing what they're doing.
Brad Aldrich (23:27):
Yeah, and I think there's more to it, right?
Honestly, I think it is an easyanswer to say I married the
wrong person.
I think it's a harder answer togo.
What was it that attracted youto this person?
What was it that attracted themto you?
How do we build on that and howdo we look at some of your
(23:52):
story that's keeping you stuck?
Kate Aldrich (23:56):
Yeah, I don't think people can build until you
figure out what's going on.
That's the challenge, correct,because people will often come
to us and just want tools andwe're very happy to give them to
you, but they always break downbecause if you don't know why
you're doing what you're doing,the tools only last or help for
(24:19):
a very short period of time ornot help at all.
Brad Aldrich (24:22):
So you're saying there's a reason why, if a wife
is continually asking herhusband to communicate more or
to initiate more communicationand time together, and he maybe
does it for a little while butthen stops again that there's a
(24:42):
reason behind some of that?
Kate Aldrich (24:50):
Right, and it's not a reason of what he's
choosing.
There are things that areplaying out from your story that
if you don't understand them,you can't actually do them
differently.
Brad Aldrich (24:56):
Mm-hmm.
No, I think that's really.
The heart of it is that we'restuck in a script and going to
repeat those same patterns,whether or not it's with this
person or the next person,unless we get to the bottom of
why those patterns exist.
Kate Aldrich (25:18):
Yeah, I don't know , that's the bottom.
I mean it shouldn't be.
That's the thing.
It shouldn't be presented asyou're doing something wrong.
Right, it's not.
I mean there's not to say thatthe two of you don't need to
change some of the things thatyou're doing, but you're, and
sometimes we are hurting eachother.
(25:39):
So I guess I should be clearabout that.
But it's really trying to go inwith a curious kindness and
understand why each one of usdoes the things that we do
pretty consistently, Becausethere's reasons behind it, and
so if we can enter in withcompassion and kindness, we can
understand and then we can havethe space and place to choose
(26:05):
what is better.
Brad Aldrich (26:06):
Yeah, and healthier.
And we can start to kind ofunderstand why we fall into
these patterns over and overagain.
Right, I truly believe thatnobody wants to repeat that same
cycle over and over, and overand over again.
(26:27):
And yet we're not sure why wedo.
Kate Aldrich (26:33):
Yeah, I mean I yeah, I think most people don't
know why, and I do think manypeople don't want to keep doing
it, but I also think you don'treally know any other way to do
it.
So it's just all gets veryconfusing inside your body and
(26:53):
so I think some people hate thethings they're doing.
Some people are just soconfused it's just, it's hard.
Brad Aldrich (27:02):
Yeah, yeah, I agree, and I do think this is
where couples doing story worktogether to actually understand.
Oh, when my wife does this,it's not that she's mad at me,
it's actually that she's playingout a strategy that she's had
to play out since she was alittle kid, and that's why this
(27:25):
happens, or my husband isn'tignoring me.
It's that, whatever, andstarting to try and understand
those deeper stories, I thinkcan be a huge impact for a
couple?
Kate Aldrich (27:40):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it's definitelysomething more couples could do.
That would be helpful.
Instead of just we need tolearn to be better communicators
, no, we need to actually learnwhy we're communicating the way
we are.
Yeah.
That's way more helpful thanyou know, giving you some tool
(28:01):
to communicate better.
Brad Aldrich (28:03):
Yeah, correct, I think there's a lot of tools to
help us communicate better andif you know yes, I think there
is sometimes we need to learnsome of those skills and why
we're doing it poorly and how tothink about our communication
(28:27):
sometimes.
But yes, I agree, we need tofigure out why it gets tough.
Kate Aldrich (28:35):
I hear that, but I just think that has to come
after 's, not, it's going to bevery hard to have lasting change
.
If you, if you just put in thetools of like listen really well
, right, those things can behelpful to some extent.
But most times we find thatthey get frustrating because
(29:03):
those things from theirchildhood, the strategies, are
still wanting to come out, tocome to the surface, and we have
to honor the strategies forwhat they are.
It doesn't mean we have tofollow them, but how do we know
what we're trying to do andunderstand it with compassion
and understand what our spouseis trying to do with compassion,
if we're just trying toimplement tools?
(29:25):
So to me, tools come after weunderstand.
Brad Aldrich (29:33):
I like that, okay.
So if there's somebodylistening today who is in the
process of getting married ordating, or maybe their child is
dating and they want to sendthis to them, what are the
things that we need to bethinking about?
Kate Aldrich (29:54):
If your child is dating, don't send this to them.
That's not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich (29:59):
I agree, okay, let's just good idea.
Kate Aldrich (30:01):
I agree, okay, let's, just let's just nope, but
what?
Brad Aldrich (30:05):
what are some of the things that we need to be
thinking about in terms of am Igoing to marry the right person?
Kate Aldrich (30:12):
or not.
I I don't think if there arehuge red flags of things that
are like this is not good, thisis, you know, we cannot work
together with this thesesubjects, whatever red flags,
should be really considered oflike is this smart and wise for
(30:35):
us to continue?
Yellow flags are like hmm, butwe could potentially explore
this in premarital.
The challenge is, withpremarital, usually there's
already money that's gone into awedding which, believe it or
not, impacts a lot of people'sdecisions.
Oh my gosh, yeah.
So I think if you're seeingenough significant yellow flags
(30:57):
and you find someone to meetwith before you get engaged,
just to kind of clear that up, alot of times in premarital we
like to do we talk about thesubjects, but we like to do
story work with them, becausethat's actually what's going to
be most helpful for them.
Getting married isunderstanding their story and
what plays into it.
So I think you know to it.
(31:25):
So I think you know best thingI can encourage people to do is
think about it in terms of that.
We all have things we have totalk about and work through.
You're going to for the rest ofyour marriage, so get used to
it.
Brad Aldrich (31:33):
I think that's the thing right there is.
Is this a person that you canbe real with, talk about and get
to what some of the real thingsare?
Kate Aldrich (31:47):
Sure.
Yeah, that's definitely a plus,but I do think it should be
evaluated in are our flags orconcerns or things that we need
to talk about?
Are they red, huge banners thatare like screaming at us with
concern, or are they just normaldifferences because we come
from two totally differentfamilies?
Brad Aldrich (32:08):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Right.
So I think you should beconsidering that, because if
they're huge red ones, how doyou tell the difference between
a red flag and a yellow flag?
Brad Aldrich (32:19):
You know a couple who's had some fights, or a
couple who's You're not in frontof the microphone.
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (32:32):
I think it's different for every couple, but
a red flag to me is a naggingconcern that feels like I don't
know how we would continue tonavigate this.
Of course it includes any sortof behavior that feels abusive
or oppressive or neglectful toto an extreme.
(32:53):
Any of those things should beum seen as red flags and get
help, get someone who can giveyou wise advice, keep you safe.
To say those relationshipsshouldn't be entered into, I
think is an understatement.
I'm not saying we can't havehope that people can change, but
(33:16):
do not think and hope thatthey'll change after you're
married.
That's just a really baddecision, right?
Brad Aldrich (33:23):
If there are red flag concerns then— Trying to
change somebody you're marryingis a really bad idea.
Kate Aldrich (33:30):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (33:31):
On both parts right.
Kate Aldrich (33:32):
Encourage that person— Somebody shouldn't be
trying to change you either.
Encourage that person to seekhealth and if that ends up
working out that you're stillthere when that happens, fine.
But like most times, thosethings should not be continued.
Yellow flags are things likeyou know um differences of
(33:56):
opinions in.
I mean, I'm trying to think foryou and I when we got married
oh, I would say yellow flagscould be things like conflicts.
Brad Aldrich (34:04):
You know, a conflict is not necessarily a
bad thing.
It is something to be paidattention to and to be figured
out how we can work throughright and how do you do the
repair well, as we've talkedabout, but it's not something
that is like, oh my gosh, theyhad a conflict.
Kate Aldrich (34:24):
Well, I would also say conflicts are easy to pick
out, but what are the conflictsyou're not having that you
should be having?
Brad Aldrich (34:31):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (34:32):
So it's really hard to name specific yellow
flags.
Brad Aldrich (34:37):
Yeah, but I really individualized people.
Right, I think it's moreimportant to call out some of
the big things, and I'm guessingsome people are sitting here
going yeah, I had some of thosereally big things my spouse was
asking me to change, or wouldn'tchange, or you know, and we
still got married and maybethat's why we're stuck and
(34:58):
having these problems, and Iwon't disagree, it is, but I
think there are things that youcan do about it and that you can
learn how to figure out, how towork through each other's story
together.
Kate Aldrich (35:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (35:18):
Yeah.
So, guys, we do really believethat marriages can be saved and
pulled together and reconciledthrough all kinds of stuff.
We have seen strength comethrough a lot of ashes.
Kate Aldrich (35:38):
Or a lot of lemonade.
Brad Aldrich (35:39):
Yes, that too, so we would love to continue this
conversation.
I'm going to guess some of youare maybe a little frustrated by
like ugh, but I just feel likethey're wrong for me and I can
recognize.
I can understand that feelingand I still think there are
places that you can figure outwhat growing together looks like
(36:02):
.
I hope that was helpful forsome of you and we're really
excited to continue thisconversation.
We're going to be talking moreabout story work next week with
a special guest, so be sure tocheck in and we'll be talking to
you more about all of this soon, and until next time I'm Brad
(36:23):
Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:24):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (36:30):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(36:53):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
We're in a weird place today, so it's probably
best to just be forewarned.
It's awfully dreary here inPennsylvania.
Brad Aldrich (00:47):
Yeah, it is, I guess.
Kate Aldrich (00:49):
I can't claim it for the whole state, but where
we live it's yuck and cold andwe had a very fun weekend with
lots of things that are specialto our family, and so it was a
good weekend in many ways.
And then it was a stressful,tiring weekend for completely
(01:09):
other reasons, and so we're in astrange place and Brad and I
just were saying I said, whenlife gives you lemons, and he
decided to be the man that Imarried, who I love so much, and
said Life doesn't actually giveyou lemons.
Well, no.
What did you say first?
Brad Aldrich (01:26):
You said we make them.
Kate Aldrich (01:29):
And I was like what?
And he's like lemons are notnatural, they're manmade guys.
This is this is my life.
Brad Aldrich (01:38):
When life gives you lemons.
We were never supposed to havelemons in the first place.
We bred them.
We've made them out of orangesand bitter oranges and citrons
and bred them into lemons.
Kate Aldrich (01:49):
I made him look it up and then I said what about
limes?
Brad Aldrich (01:56):
No, actually, what she said is you can fact check
that for me.
So I re-showed her that I'm notthe only one who said this.
Kate Aldrich (01:59):
No, I said you got to look that up.
I know that's what I said.
And so then I I said look uplimes too, because I don't
believe you, because limes areman-made as well so life never
gave you lemons, you we designedthem, and now we have to
complain about having lemons sothat saying that sheds a lot of
(02:20):
light on that saying and in away, that's yeah, we're not
contemplating that for our lifedecisions right now.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
No, we're just yeah, no, but that actually goes
a little bit with the topicthat we said we were going to
talk about today.
Kate Aldrich (02:36):
Oh, didn't make that connection until now.
I didn't either until just now.
But it works Okay.
Brad Aldrich (02:42):
Right, because one of the things that we hear from
people every once in a while ismore often than you yeah, more
often than you think is.
You know we're having marriageproblems and it really just goes
back to I picked the wrongperson or I didn't choose well I
didn't choose.
Kate Aldrich (02:59):
That too it's not always the wrong person, but
maybe I I chose wrong.
Like um, I just didn't thinkabout all these things and it's
just we'll get into some of that.
That's an interesting thought,um, yeah, so.
Brad Aldrich (03:14):
I think many times I end up hearing that as people
almost going, uh like, allright, I need to get out of my
marriage and it's really, it's aproblem because I just picked
the wrong person.
We're not right for each otherand so now I just need to get
out and start over.
Kate Aldrich (03:35):
I don't know that it's always that, but I think it
.
I mean, some people are lookingfor that.
I think it also gives people alike okay, this isn't working.
Maybe they don't specificallywant out, but we chose wrong.
So we can just kind of continueto say that's the reason we are
where we are, if that makessense, like.
(03:58):
I think it gives them a senseof like, okay, I just chose
wrong.
Yeah.
And it's like I don't know thatthat's the case, Because
wherever you go there, you are.
Brad Aldrich (04:12):
Well, I think I mean.
The first part in this is torecognize that we chose our
spouse for a reason.
Kate Aldrich (04:25):
Should we get into why you chose me?
Brad Aldrich (04:27):
I know why I chose you, but there were reasons
behind it, right?
Because I?
Kate Aldrich (04:33):
was hilarious.
Brad Aldrich (04:34):
There's reasons that we chose their personality.
There were reasons that wechose their quirks, their
positives, their negatives, allthe above.
Kate Aldrich (04:46):
Okay, yep, no, I know this to be true, but now I
am really curious why you chooseme, man.
Brad Aldrich (04:54):
Well, you have a layer of spunk that I think I
needed in my life and havealways needed in my life, right?
Is that a surprise to literallyanybody?
Kate Aldrich (05:10):
Oh, my word though , guys.
He has made it abundantly clearover almost 26 years of
marriage he does not need it inthe morning, that's true, and he
does not need it before atleast two cups of coffee.
Brad Aldrich (05:21):
That's true too, but there was a place where some
of that side of you I certainlyneeded.
Kate Aldrich (05:31):
Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich (05:32):
And we're not even getting into the family
dynamics and the other parts oflife that were certainly very
attractive.
Kate Aldrich (05:40):
Yeah, yeah, so it was spunk, but what about you?
Brad Aldrich (05:46):
Why did you marry me then?
Kate Aldrich (05:47):
My goodness Cause.
You were.
First of all, you were cute.
Brad Aldrich (05:51):
I skipped over that part too.
Kate Aldrich (05:53):
Thanks a lot for skipping over that part, anyways
, cause you were extremelyadorable, cute, handsome and
really good at connecting, goodat communicating, um, good at
(06:13):
having really deep conversations.
So probably bringing that depthto my needing, needing to have
levity in my life.
Yeah.
Um, I didn't.
It's really funny, though Ifeel like this is getting off on
a tangent, but I don't rememberbeing super snarky or funny in
(06:34):
my family.
There really wasn't space andmy family was a high respect
family.
So there wasn't like I respectfamily, so there wasn't like
that would not have beendelivered and received well.
So I don't remember doing a lotof that.
Actually, I do believe.
It's a piece of me that I'veembraced over the years.
(06:55):
I think levity when we met, butthen it's grown into other
things.
Sometimes my kids don'tappreciate it either, but and I
try to honor that.
So, anyways, I think even thosethings have morphed and changed
as you know your story andbecome more of who you are.
Brad Aldrich (07:13):
Right?
No, I totally agree there is,but there's elements of it,
right, and I think every coupleprobably needs to look back and
go man, what were those thingsthat drew me to that person?
Right?
And maybe we need to have alittle bit of the Christianese
(07:34):
conversation here of like doesGod have a person for us?
Kate Aldrich (07:42):
I was going to say , if you guys could see our
facial expressions this morning,what the Christian needs.
Do we really need to bring itin?
It doesn't really help anybody.
Brad Aldrich (07:50):
But I do believe there are plenty of people out
there that are like oh God toldme to that we were going to be
together.
Or like that, use someChristian language around.
God ordained us to be together.
Kate Aldrich (08:07):
Well, and that's kind of like I think the
language that's dangerous anddoes not work is the whole
language of you know, from thebeginning of time you have been
the one.
True because you are the personthat I married.
The one True because you arethe person that I married.
(08:31):
Also not true because thereality is, as soon as we do
something off of if we believethat God has only one path for
us, as soon as we do somethingoff of that path because we are
sinful, right, because we'reselfish people, we're already
off.
We're already off and comingback to that would be very
(08:51):
difficult.
Getting back to that right,like they're I don't know,
you're making facial expressionstoo, so I'm not sure what
you're doing, but like that'sthe problem with that.
Like I do believe praying andasking God.
Like problem with that.
Like I do believe praying andasking God.
Like are we two people thatwould be good together?
Because sometimes you do datesomeone that's you're like nope,
(09:13):
this is not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich (09:14):
And I get that.
My only face was I can go.
So much simpler than that.
I think there's so manydecisions that we agonize in
prayer over that.
There are lots of potentialyeses too.
Right, what school should I goto?
(09:35):
What job should I have?
What person should I marry?
There's lots of good potentialyeses, and I think we over
spiritualize things to go well,this has to be the thing that
you pick.
Is there sometimes a no,absolutely.
But I think there are lots ofpossible yeses and we
(09:57):
over-spiritualize it to go likeyou are the one and we've said
this before but that whole ideaof you're my other half or, um,
you're the soulmate, yes, therewe go okay, I was like I didn't
know if we were doing all kindsof fun ones like toasted jam,
you're my lemon to my lemonade.
Kate Aldrich (10:16):
Oh no, we don't.
We don't want to do that.
Brad Aldrich (10:17):
No, that you're my soulmate, like that is not a.
Are you complete me?
Yeah, that is not a Christian.
Or you complete me.
Yeah, that's not a Christianidea and all of that is really
really crappy, right.
The idea of there's one personout there that is meant to
complete your soul is aterrifyingly vague and not very
(10:40):
helpful belief.
Vague and not very helpfulbelief.
Kate Aldrich (10:44):
Well, it's putting an expectation on your spouse
which we do often do to be Jesus.
Like Jesus is the only one whocan fill that piece.
Not that filling the missingpiece can also be weird, but I
(11:05):
mean like he comes to restorewhat was broken through our
sinful choices, and only he cando that in completeness, like
our spouse can walk alongside ofus in our story and be an
encourager, be a champion, butthey can't fix us.
Brad Aldrich (11:25):
Right, correct and this is part of part of that
issue.
So this whole idea of I marriedthe right person, the wrong
person like.
What do we do with that?
Just throw it away okay, but I,I think, throw it out the
window.
Kate Aldrich (11:40):
It's not helpful right you are married to this
person outside of abuse.
We are never talking aboutabuse like outside of that.
You guys got married, you choseeach other.
It's more important to spendyour time figuring out why it
feels like it's not working,because that has everything to
do with your story and figurethat out instead of like
(12:04):
spending energy saying did Imarry the wrong person?
Here's the challenge.
I tell people you think youmarried the wrong person, but
you and I sitting here chattingwould have gotten to this point
no matter who you married.
It might have been sooner,might have been later, but your
reactions to your spouse areabout your story and I'm not
(12:26):
saying what they're doing isn'timpacting you.
That's about their story.
But like we would have had tohave this conversation at some
point, no matter what, becauseour spouse plays into our story,
partially because we chose them, because we are most
comfortable with the themes thathappen in our life as children.
(12:50):
That happened in our lives aschildren, and so we often pick
spouses that play that out right, which sounds crazy.
It's not a cognizant decision,it's's a you fit into this.
Now you also.
The great things about you knowyou for me are also true, but
(13:11):
there are pieces of my trauma,my growing up, that you fit into
well.
Yeah.
And me into yours.
Brad Aldrich (13:22):
And so one of the things that I'm kind of hearing
in everything that you're sayingis, if we believe that we
picked the wrong spouse, gettingrid of that spouse and going
back and picking again isprobably going to have us making
the same mistake.
Kate Aldrich (13:39):
Sure, it might look different and you might be
with a spouse that, whatevertheir story is, can navigate it
slightly different with you.
Like it's not that there aren'tany variables if you choose
again, and we're not.
This is not about divorce or,you know, judging or talking
poorly about it.
(14:00):
It's really about you can takeany relationship about it.
Brad Aldrich (14:06):
It's really about you can take any relationship.
I would say maybe if we hadn'tdone the work to understand why
we chose that person in thefirst place, then we would
probably be repeating it.
Kate Aldrich (14:14):
Of course, but what I was saying is like you
can even take friendships orfamily relations Okay, wait a
second.
I won't say familyrelationships, because those are
different.
We fall into patterns that fitour story.
But friendships you can seethese things playing out too.
I see patterns in myfriendships over the years, and
so it's really justunderstanding what's happening
(14:37):
for you In marriage.
It's really good to understandwhat's happening for your spouse
, and then that is where you canwalk in freedom together and
actually have a marriage thatyou wanted.
So it really is about exploringeach other's stories instead of
why are we unequally matched?
(14:59):
Why do we always do this?
Why do we never do that?
Brad Aldrich (15:03):
Why doesn't he see me?
Why doesn't she meet my need?
Why doesn't we tend to get verywhen we're hurt, we tend to get
very eye-focused of.
This is what my need, or thisis what.
I need in this situation.
This is what the other personisn't doing.
And we tend to just get veryfocused on that side of things.
Kate Aldrich (15:29):
Or it looks like.
It may look different, becauseit may look like you never, you
never, you never, but that'sstill I focused.
Brad Aldrich (15:35):
It's still, I focused right.
Kate Aldrich (15:36):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:38):
You never meet my need, you never do this thing,
you never, you know, do whateveryou know, whatever that is.
And I think many times it comesdown to this place of you
aren't?
Don't look like.
I expected you to look like.
Kate Aldrich (15:55):
Not physically.
Brad Aldrich (15:57):
Yeah, exactly Right.
No, you don't that would beweird.
You're not meeting myexpectation.
I must have picked wrong.
Kate Aldrich (16:05):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or we just weren't equally matched
, all of these kinds of things.
Yeah, we weren't compatible.
Brad Aldrich (16:11):
Oh yeah, that's one.
I hear that one all the time.
Kate Aldrich (16:14):
And it's like well , nobody's compatible.
Brad Aldrich (16:17):
Right.
In fact, that's one of thethings that we say when we're
doing premarital, like there's.
In fact, the whole idea ofcompatibility is really coming
from the dating website beliefthat if you take this test and
you guys are compatible thenyou're going to have a great
marriage and there's nowhereelse that actually says that
(16:41):
this idea of compatibility iswhat makes a great marriage,
because the problem is thatyou're different as soon as
you're done taking that test andthere is no perfect
compatibility.
There is the ability to growand communicate and listen and
(17:03):
meet each other's needs andself-sacrifice and communicate,
but it's not compatibility thatactually makes a good marriage.
Kate Aldrich (17:13):
Well, and I think people today, especially with
all the dating sites and suchwhich Brad and I have never
interacted with.
So we do honor and understandthat.
Brad Aldrich (17:24):
But there's this piece of like well if I found
each other and started datingwithout a site?
Kate Aldrich (17:29):
we did we did.
Um, but we were also 16 and 17.
So you know, I mean your poolis a little bit larger when
you're still in high school, um,but like there's this piece of
if I answer all these questionswell and someone else does as
well, then we have a betterchance.
(17:51):
I think is what people arethinking Right or we have a
higher chance, or like this isgoing to be better.
I think those things areimportant.
I mean, they used to happenwhen people would get together
and talk right, you'd learnthose things about each other,
which was definitely a differentprocess.
(18:11):
So we're trying to kind of skipover that process a bit and I
think it helps, but it's noteverything, and you just need to
remember that it helps, butit's not everything, and you
just need to remember that.
I know too we have lots ofpeople who've done well dating
in general, but specificallydating sites, like they were so
different while we were dating.
(18:33):
We hear that kind ofuniversally.
Brad Aldrich (18:37):
Yeah, you functioned or you interacted
very differently when you weredating versus when you got
married or you interacted verydifferently when you were dating
versus when you got married.
Kate Aldrich (18:45):
Which is a very kicking.
My microphone here, guys, whichis a very like survival skill.
What do you think about that?
That it looks very differentwhen we're dating.
Let's analyze this.
Brad Aldrich (18:59):
You know, I hate to oversimplify it, but there is
some place where, when we're inthe dating phase, we're kind of
in a trying to decide andtrying to obtain that person
right.
We're trying to get something,wow.
Kate Aldrich (19:21):
That sounded horrible.
Brad Aldrich (19:22):
I know it does.
I know and I'm you know guysare pretty awful in this.
Kate Aldrich (19:27):
Oh, I don't think that's necessarily true.
Brad Aldrich (19:29):
We'll do the things that is required to get
that person.
But then, once we have thatperson, our focus then goes to
the next thing.
Kate Aldrich (19:41):
all too often, the next thing, but not trying to
get that next thing.
Brad Aldrich (19:46):
Well, no, often it is, and often that next thing
is okay, I'm gonna get a houseor I'm gonna, I'm gonna get get
this job, I'm gonna get thislike so we move on to the next
thing that we have to conquestand we've had that, so we don't
need it, and that that isoversimplifying it 100%, but I
do think that's part of it ispeople put on the charm and can
(20:11):
love, bomb and build therelationship, but then, once
they have the relationship,maintaining it is less important
.
Kate Aldrich (20:20):
Is it that?
Or they don't know how to do itlong term, especially if it's
not something, a skill you'vehoned in on.
Because I think a lot of timeswe hear, you know, people say
well, I'm just, I'm just not aconversationalist, I don't know
how to do that, I don't know howto initiate intimacy.
Like I want to be fair to bothsides here.
(20:42):
There's like not one-sided thatmen stop pursuing.
There's other factors that goin there, but it does, would say
if.
If you can't relate to this, II am sorry, but like we brought
(21:11):
pets into our family, yeah, andlike you know, the kids are all
like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,gung ho, gung ho.
And then after a month it's'slike oh, this dog.
Brad Aldrich (21:23):
I have to walk them in the rain, the dog still
has to be walked like after amonth.
Kate Aldrich (21:28):
I mean, it's kind of like me, though, too, because
how many times do I say theywant fed dinner every single
night and that I underestimated?
Brad Aldrich (21:37):
So I guess, it's like About having kids yeah.
Kate Aldrich (21:39):
I guess it's like all of us right, we can do
something, but doing somethinglong term is a challenge.
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (21:47):
For us, it is, and because it moves from this
thing that I'm getting somethingout of, to now it's just a
responsibility and excitementand all kinds of things.
So I think that is some of thethings of what changes from when
we're dating to when we'remarried, and it's why we come
(22:09):
and talk so often about theimportance of continuing to date
in your marriage and continuingto pursue each other and
continuing to learn who thisperson is.
I mean, I think the most commoncomplaint we hear from couples
is we're just living our livestogether or we're living as
(22:31):
roommates or two ships passingin the wind.
that kind of idea of we canfunction just fine together, but
that's it.
There's just functioning.
Kate Aldrich (22:41):
Well, and I hear even a trend of like we parent
really well together.
We can have really goodconversations about the schedule
, but everything else breaksdown.
Brad Aldrich (22:53):
Okay.
So what do you do if youactually feel like you've
married the wrong person?
You feel this disconnection.
You've tried to figure out howto change it, but you keep
getting stuck in the samepattern of kind of going back to
maybe you'll, you know, dobetter for a couple of weeks and
(23:15):
then it just kind of slidesback into being roommates
together and functioningtogether.
What do you do?
Kate Aldrich (23:22):
Well, we work with couples to figure out why
they're doing what they're doing.
Brad Aldrich (23:27):
Yeah, and I think there's more to it, right?
Honestly, I think it is an easyanswer to say I married the
wrong person.
I think it's a harder answer togo.
What was it that attracted youto this person?
What was it that attracted themto you?
How do we build on that and howdo we look at some of your
(23:52):
story that's keeping you stuck?
Kate Aldrich (23:56):
Yeah, I don't think people can build until you
figure out what's going on.
That's the challenge, correct,because people will often come
to us and just want tools andwe're very happy to give them to
you, but they always break downbecause if you don't know why
you're doing what you're doing,the tools only last or help for
(24:19):
a very short period of time ornot help at all.
Brad Aldrich (24:22):
So you're saying there's a reason why, if a wife
is continually asking herhusband to communicate more or
to initiate more communicationand time together, and he maybe
does it for a little while butthen stops again that there's a
(24:42):
reason behind some of that?
Kate Aldrich (24:50):
Right, and it's not a reason of what he's
choosing.
There are things that areplaying out from your story that
if you don't understand them,you can't actually do them
differently.
Brad Aldrich (24:56):
Mm-hmm.
No, I think that's really.
The heart of it is that we'restuck in a script and going to
repeat those same patterns,whether or not it's with this
person or the next person,unless we get to the bottom of
why those patterns exist.
Kate Aldrich (25:18):
Yeah, I don't know , that's the bottom.
I mean it shouldn't be.
That's the thing.
It shouldn't be presented asyou're doing something wrong.
Right, it's not.
I mean there's not to say thatthe two of you don't need to
change some of the things thatyou're doing, but you're, and
sometimes we are hurting eachother.
(25:39):
So I guess I should be clearabout that.
But it's really trying to go inwith a curious kindness and
understand why each one of usdoes the things that we do
pretty consistently, Becausethere's reasons behind it, and
so if we can enter in withcompassion and kindness, we can
understand and then we can havethe space and place to choose
(26:05):
what is better.
Brad Aldrich (26:06):
Yeah, and healthier.
And we can start to kind ofunderstand why we fall into
these patterns over and overagain.
Right, I truly believe thatnobody wants to repeat that same
cycle over and over, and overand over again.
(26:27):
And yet we're not sure why wedo.
Kate Aldrich (26:33):
Yeah, I mean I yeah, I think most people don't
know why, and I do think manypeople don't want to keep doing
it, but I also think you don'treally know any other way to do
it.
So it's just all gets veryconfusing inside your body and
(26:53):
so I think some people hate thethings they're doing.
Some people are just soconfused it's just, it's hard.
Brad Aldrich (27:02):
Yeah, yeah, I agree, and I do think this is
where couples doing story worktogether to actually understand.
Oh, when my wife does this,it's not that she's mad at me,
it's actually that she's playingout a strategy that she's had
to play out since she was alittle kid, and that's why this
(27:25):
happens, or my husband isn'tignoring me.
It's that, whatever, andstarting to try and understand
those deeper stories, I thinkcan be a huge impact for a
couple?
Kate Aldrich (27:40):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it's definitelysomething more couples could do.
That would be helpful.
Instead of just we need tolearn to be better communicators
, no, we need to actually learnwhy we're communicating the way
we are.
Yeah.
That's way more helpful thanyou know, giving you some tool
(28:01):
to communicate better.
Brad Aldrich (28:03):
Yeah, correct, I think there's a lot of tools to
help us communicate better andif you know yes, I think there
is sometimes we need to learnsome of those skills and why
we're doing it poorly and how tothink about our communication
(28:27):
sometimes.
But yes, I agree, we need tofigure out why it gets tough.
Kate Aldrich (28:35):
I hear that, but I just think that has to come
after 's, not, it's going to bevery hard to have lasting change
.
If you, if you just put in thetools of like listen really well
, right, those things can behelpful to some extent.
But most times we find thatthey get frustrating because
(29:03):
those things from theirchildhood, the strategies, are
still wanting to come out, tocome to the surface, and we have
to honor the strategies forwhat they are.
It doesn't mean we have tofollow them, but how do we know
what we're trying to do andunderstand it with compassion
and understand what our spouseis trying to do with compassion,
if we're just trying toimplement tools?
(29:25):
So to me, tools come after weunderstand.
Brad Aldrich (29:33):
I like that, okay.
So if there's somebodylistening today who is in the
process of getting married ordating, or maybe their child is
dating and they want to sendthis to them, what are the
things that we need to bethinking about?
Kate Aldrich (29:54):
If your child is dating, don't send this to them.
That's not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich (29:59):
I agree, okay, let's just good idea.
Kate Aldrich (30:01):
I agree, okay, let's, just let's just nope, but
what?
Brad Aldrich (30:05):
what are some of the things that we need to be
thinking about in terms of am Igoing to marry the right person?
Kate Aldrich (30:12):
or not.
I I don't think if there arehuge red flags of things that
are like this is not good, thisis, you know, we cannot work
together with this thesesubjects, whatever red flags,
should be really considered oflike is this smart and wise for
(30:35):
us to continue?
Yellow flags are like hmm, butwe could potentially explore
this in premarital.
The challenge is, withpremarital, usually there's
already money that's gone into awedding which, believe it or
not, impacts a lot of people'sdecisions.
Oh my gosh, yeah.
So I think if you're seeingenough significant yellow flags
(30:57):
and you find someone to meetwith before you get engaged,
just to kind of clear that up, alot of times in premarital we
like to do we talk about thesubjects, but we like to do
story work with them, becausethat's actually what's going to
be most helpful for them.
Getting married isunderstanding their story and
what plays into it.
So I think you know to it.
(31:25):
So I think you know best thingI can encourage people to do is
think about it in terms of that.
We all have things we have totalk about and work through.
You're going to for the rest ofyour marriage, so get used to
it.
Brad Aldrich (31:33):
I think that's the thing right there is.
Is this a person that you canbe real with, talk about and get
to what some of the real thingsare?
Kate Aldrich (31:47):
Sure.
Yeah, that's definitely a plus,but I do think it should be
evaluated in are our flags orconcerns or things that we need
to talk about?
Are they red, huge banners thatare like screaming at us with
concern, or are they just normaldifferences because we come
from two totally differentfamilies?
Brad Aldrich (32:08):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Right.
So I think you should beconsidering that, because if
they're huge red ones, how doyou tell the difference between
a red flag and a yellow flag?
Brad Aldrich (32:19):
You know a couple who's had some fights, or a
couple who's You're not in frontof the microphone.
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (32:32):
I think it's different for every couple, but
a red flag to me is a naggingconcern that feels like I don't
know how we would continue tonavigate this.
Of course it includes any sortof behavior that feels abusive
or oppressive or neglectful toto an extreme.
(32:53):
Any of those things should beum seen as red flags and get
help, get someone who can giveyou wise advice, keep you safe.
To say those relationshipsshouldn't be entered into, I
think is an understatement.
I'm not saying we can't havehope that people can change, but
(33:16):
do not think and hope thatthey'll change after you're
married.
That's just a really baddecision, right?
Brad Aldrich (33:23):
If there are red flag concerns then— Trying to
change somebody you're marryingis a really bad idea.
Kate Aldrich (33:30):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (33:31):
On both parts right.
Kate Aldrich (33:32):
Encourage that person— Somebody shouldn't be
trying to change you either.
Encourage that person to seekhealth and if that ends up
working out that you're stillthere when that happens, fine.
But like most times, thosethings should not be continued.
Yellow flags are things likeyou know um differences of
(33:56):
opinions in.
I mean, I'm trying to think foryou and I when we got married
oh, I would say yellow flagscould be things like conflicts.
Brad Aldrich (34:04):
You know, a conflict is not necessarily a
bad thing.
It is something to be paidattention to and to be figured
out how we can work throughright and how do you do the
repair well, as we've talkedabout, but it's not something
that is like, oh my gosh, theyhad a conflict.
Kate Aldrich (34:24):
Well, I would also say conflicts are easy to pick
out, but what are the conflictsyou're not having that you
should be having?
Brad Aldrich (34:31):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (34:32):
So it's really hard to name specific yellow
flags.
Brad Aldrich (34:37):
Yeah, but I really individualized people.
Right, I think it's moreimportant to call out some of
the big things, and I'm guessingsome people are sitting here
going yeah, I had some of thosereally big things my spouse was
asking me to change, or wouldn'tchange, or you know, and we
still got married and maybethat's why we're stuck and
(34:58):
having these problems, and Iwon't disagree, it is, but I
think there are things that youcan do about it and that you can
learn how to figure out, how towork through each other's story
together.
Kate Aldrich (35:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (35:18):
Yeah.
So, guys, we do really believethat marriages can be saved and
pulled together and reconciledthrough all kinds of stuff.
We have seen strength comethrough a lot of ashes.
Kate Aldrich (35:38):
Or a lot of lemonade.
Brad Aldrich (35:39):
Yes, that too, so we would love to continue this
conversation.
I'm going to guess some of youare maybe a little frustrated by
like ugh, but I just feel likethey're wrong for me and I can
recognize.
I can understand that feelingand I still think there are
places that you can figure outwhat growing together looks like
(36:02):
.
I hope that was helpful forsome of you and we're really
excited to continue thisconversation.
We're going to be talking moreabout story work next week with
a special guest, so be sure tocheck in and we'll be talking to
you more about all of this soon, and until next time I'm Brad
(36:23):
Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:24):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (36:30):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(36:53):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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