November 5, 2025 • 49 mins
The calendar turns to November and suddenly every old family role shows up at the front door. We get real about why gatherings can feel so loaded, even when you love your people, and how to protect your marriage and your mental health without ghosting the holidays. Our approach starts with two anchors—honor and honesty—so you can appreciate the good, name the hard, and walk in with clarity about what you can and can’t expect from parents and extended family.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_01 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_02 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_03 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello there, welcome back toStill Becoming One.
SPEAKER_01 (00:33):
Welcome.
Guys, this is the best you geton a Monday morning.
SPEAKER_02 (00:39):
It is.
SPEAKER_01 (00:40):
Um, I didn't do my hair shocker, and that's what
you get on a Monday morning.
I get really excited.
Oh, you know, curly hairedgirls, we gotta do what we gotta
do.
Any other curly haired girls outthere, you know exactly what I
mean.
We can't just get up and go.
Brad said the other the otherday to me, I was like, I got up,
(01:01):
I looked in the mirror, I waslike, wow, what did you say?
It was like so good for youbecause you tend to not be this
way.
It was so fast.
You were like, hey, I grew up inthe 80s, I like 80s hair.
And I was like, oh my word, myhair is a little uh big large,
large, yes, just sleeping on itat night.
(01:23):
That's all it takes for me.
So I had to calm that down inthe shower.
So this is we got the teamversion.
Sometimes Monday mornings wepodcast, but we do admin stuff,
so I don't unfortunately, Idon't always get up and get
myself looking the same as I dothe rest of the day.
Sorry, guys.
SPEAKER_03 (01:44):
That's all good.
That's all good, but now we'redoing videos, so I know, but I
warned everyone with the firstvideo.
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
Don't it be expecting?
Okay, Monday is my day off, soyou're getting the real Kate.
But isn't that the whole point?
Brad and Kate have always triedto be brutally honest with you.
And now you're brutally honestwith my hair.
SPEAKER_03 (02:04):
If you uh don't follow us on Instagram or
Facebook, you can find us atStill Becoming One, and you get
to at least see some clips of usrecording the podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (02:15):
And uh there you go, give it a little preview, and my
hair will be done some days,just depends.
Just depends.
It's gorgeous.
So I know, I know.
SPEAKER_03 (02:26):
So believe it or not, it is November, and it is
time for people to startthinking about holidays.
SPEAKER_01 (02:37):
I was like in my brain, is it?
I don't know.
Uh do you ever get there?
You're like, wait, what centuryare we in?
What month?
What okay?
Yeah, November.
All right, got it.
SPEAKER_03 (02:48):
You know, and and I we always kind of joke, but we
totally understand it as well.
This is one of those seasonswhere I'll have clients that I
had ended with, you know, awhile back or, you know,
whatever, go, can we meet?
Because they're trying to thinkthrough how do they handle
Thanksgiving?
How do they do family thingwell?
(03:10):
How do they prepare themselves,their spouse, their family to go
visit extended family, um, andwhether, you know, both sides
sometimes, and you know whatcomes up and how do you navigate
that really well.
SPEAKER_01 (03:28):
And, you know, I think that's so valid.
It it doesn't really matter.
Let me say this.
It doesn't matter if you have aclose relationship with your
family or not.
These are still things to thinkthrough.
Absolutely.
Although we can honor a lot ofpeople have um complex
relationships with theirfamilies where they might look
(03:50):
forward to the holidays, butalso have some anxiety about
certain parts, certain themescould come up, certain family
members, certain, right?
Like it, it's complex.
SPEAKER_03 (04:01):
And um I think that we often end up dealing with a
complex.
I mean, we can talk for a minuteabout the people who thoroughly
enjoy hanging out with theirfamily and and really look
forward to that time.
I think that's that's fantastic.
It's awesome.
I think it is still achallenging couple time.
(04:25):
Sure.
Because it's just a differentdynamic.
You're bringing different peoplein.
And, you know, we often say thateven if you really get along
with your family, going home orbeing with your family is often
like a puzzle piece that fallsinto place.
Yeah.
And your spouse often doesn'thave a place in that puzzle.
(04:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
And so it becomes a or they're trying to figure out
for some families, it's a veryeasy transition.
For others, it's a it's achallenge, right?
They're still trying to figureout their peace in your family,
and maybe we'll do that for therest of their days.
It just it just depends.
SPEAKER_03 (05:08):
Yeah.
So it it that then becomes acouple dynamic for the two of
you to navigate together of howdo you take care of each other
even while we're really havingfun with our family kind of
thing.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I would even push back on you saying, like, if you
feel like you have it's always agreat time, then that's awesome.
I would say if you're beinghonest with yourself, there are
complexities, right?
There cannot be.
And I would say you've eitherdone some really good work to
(05:45):
understand the complexities, tobe able to honor them, but also
being honest, or you've justshoved it all away.
SPEAKER_03 (05:54):
Yes.
Because when we're talking aboutfamily, we always try and start
with an honor and honestyapproach that we want to bring
honor to our parents, to ourfamily, to be honoring of the
important place that they playin our lives, and just that
(06:16):
reality that we wouldn't even behere without them.
So there is an honor part thatwe need to start with.
SPEAKER_00 (06:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:24):
And we use that honor part in many ways to also
kind of go and and get to thathonest part and be able to say
without dishonoring, there wasstuff that was hard.
And I think we often, when we'reworking with with couples, when
(06:48):
we're working with individuals,we often run into people who
have not been able to givethemselves permission to have
that honest part.
They get very stuck in the oh,my family is great kind of
place.
And I'm not denying, I'm thereis lots of great part.
(07:10):
That is honor.
Yeah, of course.
But I hear so many people thatonce they kind of go, okay, I
can honor who my mom was, I canhonor who my dad was, and then I
can tell this other story thatit all of a sudden goes, I man,
(07:32):
I this thing's been hanging outhere for a long time, and I
don't even quite understand.
And sometimes they are verycomplex, difficult, hard
stories.
Sometimes they're stories ofthings happening that the
parents never knew.
SPEAKER_00 (07:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
Other times there are things happening that the
parents did in in maybe evenvery simple ways that they
didn't end up taking care of thelittle kids' feelings in the
middle of that.
And sometimes they're realstories of harm.
SPEAKER_01 (08:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:13):
So it, you know, we always try and say we don't want
to try and minimize the storiesthat you are uncovering in being
honest.
Doesn't matter if they're reallybig tea trauma or they're little
tea trauma, or they're sometimethat your parent didn't see you,
(08:34):
or sometime that your parentharmed you.
All of them are wounds, and wecarry them.
SPEAKER_01 (08:41):
So how does this impact holidays?
SPEAKER_03 (08:44):
Well, okay, here's the first you were wanting to
like right.
I hear a lot of people that asthey uncover that honesty, they
then want to kind of run back totheir family and go, hey, do you
remember this time?
And and talk through the thehard.
SPEAKER_01 (09:08):
So if I'm understanding, you're saying
when someone is doing story workor even just therapy, because
sometimes people get to thesethings through different, um,
different ways, that theyrealize the hurts, the harms,
the whatever it may be, and thenthey feel like they need to have
(09:29):
a conversation with theirparents about it.
SPEAKER_03 (09:32):
Yeah.
And that can be beautiful,right?
Right?
It can be the start of some realhealing.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
Well, what a beautiful thing if your parents
can join you in that.
SPEAKER_03 (09:45):
There's the real question, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:46):
What a beautiful thing.
If they can, I already haveinsights on either the family
you grew up in or the work yourparents have done.
Correct.
But that's not where themajority of people find
themselves.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (10:03):
And that's exactly what I kind of where I was
coming is so often it's like wejust start scratching the
surface of a story.
And somebody's like, oh, I wentand go in and talk to my mom
about this.
And and my gut goes like, oh mygoodness, oh god, like I because
(10:24):
I really want the person to beheld well and to join them
there.
And so often that isn't whathappens, and that gets really
hard.
SPEAKER_01 (10:34):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:37):
So you're saying, like, I think, and and this is
where it comes into holidays, isoften holidays is one of those
times where people talk aboutstories and they talk about
remember when?
And do you remember when we hadthe Christmas with?
And you know, and so it gets tobe an easy time, maybe not easy,
(10:59):
but a time to bring up thosesometimes hard stories.
SPEAKER_01 (11:04):
It's either that or we're talking about hard topics
of the world.
Like it's just well, we'll getthat.
SPEAKER_03 (11:09):
It's well, yes, but it I think you're right, it's a
breeding ground for like allkinds of things, like right, and
and I would I mean, my firstcaution to people is be really
curious with yourself why youwant to bring that story to your
(11:30):
parent.
What is it that you're lookingfor?
What response is it that you'rehoping to get?
What is your goal in wanting tobring that incident event up?
My guess is it is this hope thatyou'll actually be seen this
(11:52):
time.
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
That they'll get it, they'll have an aha moment,
right?
Kind of thing.
SPEAKER_03 (11:57):
And if that is your motivation, I want to bring a
lot of caution that it is oftenreally difficult for a parent
who's not done their own work tobring those kind of responses.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
Yeah.
And kindness for that heart ofwanting, that reconciliation, of
course.
Like most of us, I can't say allof us, would absolutely want our
parent to join us in that way.
That is an a natural desire, agood desire.
Um I usually encourage people,and maybe this is just kind of
(12:37):
my bent, but you've alwaystaught me like, what are you
expecting from your parent inthat?
Which, as you say, most of usare expecting some sort of level
of being seen and understanding.
But then I always say, Hey, thatmay not be where your parent can
join you.
SPEAKER_05 (12:54):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
But you can learn something about the future if
you have children.
And if you don't have children,you have family, right?
Where you can join your familyin future generations in a
different way.
unknown (13:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:10):
Right?
Like if your kid comes somedayto you with that kind of
conversation, which hopefullythey will, believe it or not.
SPEAKER_03 (13:19):
No, absolutely.
We want them to.
We want the brain courage thatin our own kids.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Let's be honest, we do, but we don't.
SPEAKER_03 (13:25):
Oh, of course.
But we miss every kid.
Like we miss a tune, it isimpossible not to.
And so having that opportunityrepair is such a huge gift, and
that's what you're trying togive your parent.
But if they haven't done anywork towards it, the likelihood
that they're going to miss youagain, right?
(13:47):
Or just make excuses, or just,you know, tell whatever is
really high.
And that can seriously dampenyour, you know, your
relationship and and all ofthose kind of things.
So I would really encouragepeople to be really cautious
with what stories they go homelooking to tell and looking to,
(14:13):
you know, get better insightinto.
SPEAKER_01 (14:17):
So you're saying at the holidays, like taking that
story home.
SPEAKER_03 (14:20):
Yeah, don't.
Oh.
SPEAKER_01 (14:22):
Don't unless you really I was like, yeah, no,
definitely do it at a differenttime.
If if if if you've decided isthe best thing to do, I would
encourage you not to do it withother people around at a time
that's already carries a lot ofstress and expectations, at
least in most families.
SPEAKER_03 (14:42):
The only thing I would say you bring home is if
you know you know your storythat you've worked on happened
in 1988, and you want to getsome context to what else was
going on in life in 1988.
Sure, maybe there's some storiesthat you can learn.
SPEAKER_01 (15:00):
Well, and I have also heard some people approach
siblings who feel safe to say,Do you remember that?
SPEAKER_05 (15:08):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (15:09):
What was your perspective?
Because sometimes siblings arelike, no, I I have right because
we take in things verydifferently.
Sometimes siblings do rememberevents and it can be very
helpful and clarifying fromtheir perspective.
Remember, it is a differentperspective, but what they saw
happening or what they, youknow, perceived.
(15:30):
But yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:31):
So our first caution in preparing for the holidays is
do not go back to your familyexpecting aha moments.
Right.
And I think lowering thoseexpectations and going and
trying to think through, hey,how do we how do we do this well
and safely for everybody?
(15:51):
How do we take care of eachother?
SPEAKER_01 (15:53):
Well, if there's if we can't expect aha moments,
what can we expect?
And this is this is thechallenge that I find is most
likely, and this is not apessimistic perspective.
This is a reality of how we liveout our stories, you can expect
(16:15):
a lot of the same.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
Yeah.
A lot of the same will happen.
SPEAKER_01 (16:18):
I don't know what the same is for you.
And I know for you and I, likethat's been our experience with
with both sides of our families.
Like you just, it's the same.
It's the same as what you grewup with, it's the same as how
holidays, because holidays arekind of their own beast, so to
speak, right?
So it's like, okay, we're doingit this way again.
(16:41):
And then I encourage people, andI don't know if this is where
you're going, but I encouragepeople then if it's going to be
somewhat of the same.
SPEAKER_02 (16:48):
What do you need?
SPEAKER_01 (16:50):
Yeah.
And how do you honor yourself inthat?
And you know, I do also say, isit something a conversation
needs to happen before?
Because maybe some of thosethings are really destructive
and really uh not safe, but thatgets into story and dealing with
things.
But then yeah, what do you whatI call them accommodations?
(17:13):
We use that word in specialeducation, but that's it's just
what do I need for myself toI'll use the term get through
that time.
Maybe you'd like to say thriveas best as you can through that
time.
Some people might say survivethrough that time of being with
your family or your spouse'sfamily, right?
(17:35):
Because your spouse's family canbring up things for you too in a
different aspect.
SPEAKER_03 (17:40):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
So yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (17:42):
So I think it is awareness.
You brought up, you know, rightnow things feel very divided
politically in the United Statesand other places in the world.
SPEAKER_01 (17:53):
Oh wait, did no that's new?
Nobody knew that?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03 (17:57):
Just kidding.
So, you know, politics, religionmight be things that you choose
not to talk about.
And I say that as if it's reallyeasy to just put up boundaries
and go, no, we're not going totalk about that.
When many of us have familiesthat are like steeped in, let's
(18:19):
say, you know, let's takereligion.
You know, church may be the onlything that they do.
So when you ask, How are youdoing?
the conversation is around theirchurch.
SPEAKER_01 (18:29):
Or the only thing you might have somewhat in
common, or or not, right?
Like sure, but like you could goto very different churches, but
like you both go to church.
Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (18:40):
I so I think sometimes it can be really hard
to put up boundaries arounddifferent types of
conversations.
Um I know now that you know, Ithink in the past we used to
say, hey, if somebody's throwingout things there or whatever,
try your best not to engage andjust take care of yourself.
(19:04):
That can get really hard becauseit does feel like often somebody
else's views are under attack,somebody is being hurt by
comments that are being made.
And so, how would you advise,you know, if somebody's going
home to a place that is totallyopposite politically than they
(19:30):
are, how do they handle thatsituation, knowing it's going to
get talked about, knowingthere's going to be comments
made?
SPEAKER_01 (19:38):
You know, I think it unfortunately there's not one
answer, right?
Like I think it really dependson your story.
It really depends on the comfortlevel of your family.
Some people, some families mayhave have set, you know, an
expectation, whether it's spokenor not, of we can hash this out,
but everybody loves each otherat the end.
(20:00):
Some it's if we start to talkabout it, emotions get very
high, people get very upset.
Like it it really does depend.
You've got to evaluate your ownfamily and what they can handle.
But also there's a like, is itimportant for my voice to be
(20:20):
heard in this area?
I mean, of course we want to beseen and heard, but I've learned
to evaluate in certain spaces.
Is it that important?
Like, are they gonna they gonnahear me like in and honor me for
what I believe and think?
(20:40):
If they're not, I have chosenmany times the path of the not I
don't even want to engage it.
Well, I don't I you're not safeum in that regard.
I'm not saying they're not safein other ways, but like so I
just don't feel it's worth mytime, my emotional space to have
me share something that's rightnow a very emotional topic tied
(21:06):
with so many things.
And and for us being amulti-race family, like there's
a lot of things in there for us.
And so I I just don't engagethen, which is hard because then
you're just a listener.
But I've also learned in mylife, and you and I listen for a
living, like there is somethingto be learned in listening.
(21:28):
And I hear that, and I Iunderstand your perspective,
like being able to validatethem, but it does then become a
space where you feel like you'realways validating someone else,
and nobody's nobody's evervalidating you.
And that's hard.
SPEAKER_03 (21:47):
I think it's Instagram the brother and sister
who have discussions with theirmega parents.
SPEAKER_01 (21:55):
And I want to watch that.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (21:57):
Often we'll bring up topics that are happening, you
know, politically and try to,you know, help you help them see
other sides of it, and theparents are trying to help them
see other sides of it.
And at one point, I saw one isit a good healthy conversation?
It's it's a little volatile.
SPEAKER_01 (22:15):
Oh never mind, I don't want to watch it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:18):
I I think the at one point the mother said, We do
this because we love you.
Just because we disagree doesn'tmean we don't love you, which I
really do think is everyone'shope.
Yeah, is that they can actuallyget to that place of what you
said of you know, go throughsome place that we disagree, but
(22:41):
actually still love each other.
Well, and that can be reallyhard.
SPEAKER_01 (22:47):
Absolutely.
I also think you need to thinkabout, be curious and honor what
is your mission in that?
Like you and I have decided notto be cheese.
We haven't written it down andpasted on our wall.
That would be weird.
But like our heart's desire andposture with especially our
children, because that is adifferent relationship than our
(23:09):
parents, our siblings, like wewant to accept and honor where
they are and and be in a sourceof encouragement, a source of
care, a source of being seen.
You know, when they were about16, we encouraged them.
We were even talking about thiswith Lily when she was on the
podcast of like, if you feellike you need to go to a
(23:32):
different church, if you feellike you don't want to go to
church, like we are now puttinga lot more of that in your
hands.
Like you don't need to do whatyour parents are doing.
And um, you know, so trying tohonor who they are, where they
are.
And since that is our goal withour children, I hope that that
(23:56):
flavors our family get togethersas we continue.
Now, that is you and I's goal.
SPEAKER_03 (24:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (24:01):
We have four children, very different
experiences, very different.
Some have other parent, otherbirth parents.
Like I can't say that ourchildren are all going to adopt
that.
So that flavors it.
You also have spouses that comein that have their own families,
their own experiences.
SPEAKER_05 (24:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (24:19):
Like there's so much in there.
But I do think if you and I canhave that posture, I'm hopeful
that will bridge a lot ofdivides.
I'm not naive to think it willbridge everything.
But many of us are going intofamily situations where that is
not the posture.
SPEAKER_03 (24:39):
Yeah.
And I and I think that'suncommon that that is the
posture.
Although a parent would probablysay it, that's not what they're
actually living out.
Sure.
And in those cases, I thinkagain, we have to look towards
our family and go, what is itthat our family needs?
(25:02):
How do we walk through this asbest as possible?
And I mean, this sounds awfulwhen we're talking about going
to our family or to visit afamily, but how do we put our
armor on?
How do we go being careful andgo being wise and in walking
into it in a way that we'reready to deal with whatever
(25:28):
comes and then step back andheal from it?
Right?
And and so that means there'ssome pre-work, there's some
post-work.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
Which sounds like a lot of work, which is why people
don't do it.
Correct.
I was sitting here thinking, dowe just bring our boxing gloves?
That would work in my family.
Right.
That would work in my family.
We'd all put them on and do itout.
SPEAKER_03 (25:50):
But then there's tons of damage that even even in
your family that is used todoing that kind of stuff.
It is there's tons of damagethat has that.
Well, and I would advisedefensive armor rather than the
offensive armor when you'rewalking into family situations.
SPEAKER_01 (26:08):
We don't actually put on boxing gloves.
And actually, my family doesn'tget together a ton anymore.
Um, because of spouses, becauseof all different kinds of
things.
And so, but I I'm always joking,guys, with that kind of stuff.
Yes, I do think it's more likewell, I don't, I think you say
defensive, but to me it'soffensive.
I think the defensive often islike I I have to manage this so
(26:34):
I don't flip out.
The offensive is how do I honorthis is where my family is, but
honor is hard and and take careof myself well prior, during,
and after.
Right?
So I don't know that it'sdefensive.
That's true.
SPEAKER_03 (26:50):
I and I like one of the offensive things that I
would put in there, and we'vetalked about boundaries so many
times on this podcast, but oneof the things when I
automatically say boundaries,people think about what I'm not
going to talk about, what I'mnot going to do.
And I'm guessing those arepretty easy to list.
Nope, we're not going there.
(27:12):
The problem is you'll mostlikely hit those boundaries.
So the offensive is what is itthat we want to talk about
instead?
How do we want to move thatconversation from that
inappropriate topic or topic wedon't want to go to to something
that feels safer?
(27:35):
And that's been a reallyimportant thing for me because I
learned passive-aggressivemethods of communicating that
don't do that well, right?
And kind of slide in theaggressive nastiness.
(27:58):
I don't believe it.
And um I learned those well.
SPEAKER_01 (28:27):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:29):
That's really hard.
But I would suggest like that'sthis conversation thing of how
do I how do I think through whatare going to be the landmines
and where do I want to goinstead of landing on that
landmine?
SPEAKER_01 (28:45):
Well, and I think even now, if I'm honest, like we
now navigate to like ourchildren, three out of the four
are adults.
And we honor that adult spacethat they are learning, figuring
out their beliefs.
So in family spaces, they sharetheir thoughts, and they may not
(29:08):
always be what we agree with.
SPEAKER_02 (29:09):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (29:10):
And maybe what we know family doesn't agree with.
And it's like, how do we holdspace for that?
Right?
And um allow them to have avoice and and not feel like they
have to change that.
It's just, guys, it just getsreally, really complicated.
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_03 (29:29):
That's really good.
Um, so I would suggest thatthere is some pre-conversations
uh with your spouse specificallyaround okay, what does family
time look like?
And what are you going to needin order to do that family time,
(29:49):
whether it be with your family,whether their family, what are
we going to need together to dothat well?
SPEAKER_01 (29:56):
Yeah, I think that's really important.
I think, you know.
During it, what do you needthings before?
What do you need after?
SPEAKER_03 (30:05):
How do I support you?
Yeah.
Right?
Because I think so often,especially early in our
marriage, I think I would tendto physically and emotionally
disappear in your home, and youwould kind of physically and
emotionally disappear in myhome.
(30:25):
And I would getting a look.
But um I would I I think thatwould happen just because we
don't really know what we'resupposed to do to support.
And as we've taken care of eachother better, as we know each
(30:45):
other better, and as weunderstand stories better, I
think there's places where ourroles shift in what does it look
like to support and be presentand you know take care of our
spouse during family time.
SPEAKER_01 (31:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
In yeah.
And I I think we need to honorlike you at your family.
It feels like it should be mechecking in with you.
And I do think most times that'sthe case, but like I think it
can go both ways of like you'rein your family space, so that's
going to activate certainthings.
(31:23):
But the reality is your familyfunctions very different than
mine, so that activates canactivate things in me.
Sometimes it's, you know, peopleum integrate really well with
their in-laws, and that's not athing.
Sure.
But for a lot of people, it'svery, it's it's literally going
into a cross-culturalexperience.
(31:45):
Yeah.
You talk different, you eatdifferent foods, you have
different um traditions andhabits around all kinds of
things, right?
And so, you know, how many timeshave you come into my family's
home and been like, what?
That's odd.
Why do you do that that way?
Or and we grew up vice versawith each other.
(32:07):
So but very different families.
And and and we would even say,even in the same community,
you're gonna be different.
Your parents grew up indifferent communities and have
different experiences.
Um, and so it doesn't matter ifyou grew up as neighbors,
correct.
SPEAKER_03 (32:22):
So I I think that those conversations are
essential.
Don't assume that you know it'sgonna be easy.
Don't assume like, you know,have some conversations.
What do you need?
SPEAKER_02 (32:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:35):
We always support like have ways that you can
together take breaks.
So if things do a conversationcomes up, like it's oh, we're
gonna go take a walk, or youknow, something that can give
you a break can be reallypositive.
Yeah um, you know, and have somepositive downtime afterwards.
(33:01):
We were talking recently, andum, I said many of our families,
our nuclear families kind of fundynamics or fun traditions, I
guess, would have been likelegit fun, not just like legit
fun traditions have been thingsthat we've built as
(33:25):
decompression after familyvisits or around family.
SPEAKER_01 (33:30):
I mean, yeah, some of them are just holidays in
general.
And holidays.
That sounds like we only builttraditions around holidays.
SPEAKER_03 (33:38):
But decompressions around holiday time.
SPEAKER_01 (33:40):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:41):
Right?
Or things that we did to makeholiday time easier, and they
become fun family traditions.
So it's watching a goofy movieafter um, you know, after a
visit or something like that, oryou know, doing uh, you know,
food in a unique way or thosekind of things.
So I I think sometimes thatrecovery space, I guess, is what
(34:06):
I'm kind of trying to get to, isreally important, right?
So process through what does itlook like to have downtime and
family time in a positive wayafter either after the holidays
or after family visits, youknow, have that space to
(34:28):
reconnect with your spouse anddo that well.
SPEAKER_01 (34:31):
Andor family, yeah.
Because when our kids were oldenough to understand and
perceive the dynamics, althoughthey're always feeling the
dynamics, uh, we we wouldinclude them in it too, because
they could vocalize and we wouldtalk on the way home from family
things, like how do you thinkthat went?
(34:54):
Like, you know, and it um yeah,I mean, that's what you get for
getting a therapist as a dad, Iguess.
Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_03 (35:03):
Um that's probably true.
What if they want to opt out oflike all the family expectations
around the holidays?
That they're just going, I Ireally don't want to go travel
to my family this year.
I don't really want to do this.
SPEAKER_01 (35:22):
I think your your nuclear family, and even if you
are a single adult, that that isyour nuclear family, like you
get to have this space of askingyourself, like, what do I want
to do?
What parts would I like to be apart of?
What parts would I not?
Right.
And being able to express thatto some extent.
(35:44):
With my family, it I've we justfor better and for worse, have a
little bit more blatant, likethis is what we're doing, this
is what we're not doing, kind ofrelationship, or like I'm not, I
hear that, that sounds fun,that's not something I'm gonna
(36:05):
do, right?
Like, so some families havethat.
SPEAKER_03 (36:08):
You're saying there's it with your family,
there seems to be lessexpectations around, oh, you you
have to come home forThanksgiving or something like
that.
SPEAKER_01 (36:16):
If yes, I do think that with my family.
If anything, the expectationsare hidden and you're not sure
when you're hitting them andwhen you're not, but that's
that's a whole nother subjectfor a whole nother day.
But I feel like I can openlyexpress to my family like we're
just we think we're gonna hangout, we're gonna write, like I
can express that.
(36:37):
I don't, I think a lot of peoplefeel that pressure.
And I think asking yourself,like, what is it about that that
I don't enjoy?
Is it stressful?
Is it whatever?
And then deciding that as afamily, whether that's you and
your spouse, you and your spouseand kids, you just you, right?
And then advocating for I lovedoing this with you guys, this
(37:04):
part I'm not doing this year, oryeah, I don't want to travel
this year.
I I will miss you all, right?
It's not, but like I think we doget to have a voice.
And yet when I talk to people,that's the thing, and and
especially when you and I dopremarital, we always talk about
the holidays, and it is a spacewhere most young adults do not
(37:28):
that we only do young adults inpremarital, but yes, they are
like, oh, but my family expectsit, my family expects it, and
it's like stop okay.
I would just encourage anyonewith children moving up into
young adulthood, don't expectit.
(37:48):
Don't expect it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:49):
And don't demand like everyone has to be here in
this time, and we have to do itall together.
And if you're not gonna be here,you're disloyal because you're
putting on this huge tension onadult children who are then you
know trying to like they'redealing with that tension.
(38:12):
And I feel that so often fromclients that the biggest thing
that happens through theholidays is tension and stress
because of all theseexpectations that are coming,
and they don't want todisappoint a parent, sure, but
they end up feeling like I'mdisappointing my parent anyway
because I'm not gonna be here onthis certain day, or oh my gosh,
(38:34):
now I have to travel.
And I, you know, it's all of theexpectations that I think get so
heavy.
And that's exactly kind of whatI was going.
Like, I think it is okay to attimes go, no, I'm not, I'm, you
know, we're not we're not doingit.
We're gonna do friends givingthis time and we'll get together
(38:54):
for Christmas, or we're gonnado, you know, one parent, not
the other.
And setting up those boundariescan be really hard, but I think
it's sometimes really important.
SPEAKER_01 (39:06):
And if you're the parents, be okay with it, right?
Like this year, our oldest said,I'm not coming home for
Thanksgiving.
And I didn't realize thatbecause he just told you.
So, like there was that bit ofcommunication.
But the other day I said to him,Oh, I'm so sad you're not coming
home.
But I said, and I hope he heard,I'm sad because I we haven't
(39:26):
seen him in a little while.
And I would love to see you, notI need you home for
Thanksgiving.
Like, Thanksgiving to me is likea I love Abe Lincoln that he
made it a holiday, but it's alsoto me like a eh, I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (39:42):
But like But I think it's an eh because it's had so
many expectations for us for somany years.
SPEAKER_01 (39:50):
That's probably potentially true.
I also think I have always feltin my life Thanksgiving and
Christmas are too close.
Like it's like two power-packedholidays within 30 days of each
other.
And that's a lot.
Like, I think I felt that evenas a kid.
It I I think a lot of people seeit as the starting of Christmas.
(40:12):
Granted, let's be honest, youcan start Christmas a whole lot
earlier.
There's a whole podcast we coulddo, right, babe?
Okay.
Um, Brad does not agree with mystance on when Christmas can
start.
SPEAKER_02 (40:24):
You just skip right to winter.
SPEAKER_01 (40:27):
I it doesn't have to be winter.
Half the time it's not evenwinter here at Christmas, but I
like Christmas and I think itshould be a longer season.
Anyways, it is a lot in Americanculture to have two very large
holidays, um, I think forfamilies.
I think it's a lot, right?
If you at Christmas and Easter,I realize those are Christian
(40:47):
holidays.
I don't necessarily mean thatthey have to be, but there's
time in between, right?
And so I I just think, yeah.
I do think we have our ownthoughts of Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
And obviously everybody hastheir own thoughts about
holidays, but it it's more Iwant my kids to know I would
(41:09):
love to see you, but really,like I can see you any time of
the year.
It doesn't have to be at theholidays.
Right.
And I don't understand likeeverybody has to be together for
the I don't I don't get thatsentiment.
I don't know.
It's something to to dig intostory, right?
Like, why does that send why isthat sentiment so important?
SPEAKER_03 (41:30):
Of why everyone, everyone being there at the same
time is so important.
SPEAKER_01 (41:34):
Yes, but specifically at these days, it's
like to me, everybody gettingtogether at different times.
Well, and I that makes it soundlike I'm pushing that.
Do we what do you feel aboutthat?
SPEAKER_03 (41:48):
I I have been trying to think through some of that
dynamic myself.
I think that has been this valueum that I've grown up with.
I don't, you know, I'm not sureI hold that same value or want
to because I recognize the costof that pressure.
(42:09):
Right?
Because I think that pressureends up creating a dynamic where
stress just enters into theseason and enters into the
holiday because we're trying tomeet everyone else's
expectations.
And expectations like that donot actually foster healthy
relationships.
(42:30):
So I I think that's where I havetried to do my own.
You know, we're just entering aseason where we're not gonna
have everyone together in ournuclear family for uh for
Christmas, for you know,Thanksgiving.
Like those are gonna starthappening more and more.
And I think there will be someemotions around it, but I I want
(42:53):
to also honor that as otherpeople are choosing their lives
and their other things, like Idon't want to be the stress in
their life.
Like I want to be the place thatthey come for a very other
things.
SPEAKER_01 (43:09):
So well, and I think about your extended family who
we're very close with.
We do a zoom.
I is it usually Christmas Day?
Sometimes I feel like it's likesometime that week, sometime
that week or Christmas, yeah.
Sometime and we all just shootthe breeze for a few minutes,
right?
Like to me, because we're all indifferent locations, there's
nobody nobody super close.
(43:30):
I guess a couple of yourrelatives are close to each
other, but you know, like to methat's what the holiday's about,
right?
Like right.
SPEAKER_03 (43:39):
There are other ways to reach out, there are other
ways to touch base.
SPEAKER_01 (43:42):
Well, and we've encouraged our kids to spread
their wings, and we have beenvery open.
Hopefully, nobody will feel likewe're Lancaster haters.
We didn't grow up here, andwe've never kind of I've never
kind of felt like this is home.
I don't think it'll be the lastplace we settle, but who knows
what the Lord will do.
Um, and I know, you know, Brad,you can share your thoughts on
(44:03):
that, but we've encouraged themto spread their wings that
they're this is not the onlyoption in life is Lancaster.
And that has and and some ofthem didn't start in Lancaster,
right?
SPEAKER_03 (44:17):
So, like it just I we had a repair person in the
house this last week, and theseveral by the way.
SPEAKER_01 (44:25):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (44:25):
Okay, they said at one point they were like, Oh,
this is so great.
Did you guys grow up here?
Which is a very Lancaster Countyquestion.
Question Did you guys grow uphere?
SPEAKER_01 (44:34):
Do you ever remember getting that question in Chester
County?
SPEAKER_03 (44:37):
Because it was much more transient culture, right?
And a suburb of Philly.
I like anytime that questionhappens, I have to remind myself
to say no, because we grew up anhour away.
So to most people, that's here.
But in Leicester County, notLancaster County, no, no, no,
no.
(45:01):
Right.
So it like it it just meanssomething, and I think that is a
culture.
We've talked to other peoplewho've moved into this county,
it's a very difficult county tointegrate into.
So I think we felt that I meanwe've been here for 18, 17
(45:22):
years.
SPEAKER_01 (45:23):
I like and yeah, I mean, Kent's 22.
He was two when he moved here,so 20 years.
Yeah, so but it does, yeah, itis hard to connect to it is, but
it's also just like, and somepeople love Lancaster County and
that they grow.
It's not that I dislike it, it'sjust has never I don't know,
(45:43):
Chester County didn't reallyfeel like home either.
So I don't know, maybe that Imaybe that's something in and of
itself, but like we what mypoint in saying that is we have
encouraged our kids go whereveryou feel like right.
So we haven't also like feltthis need to keep them all
(46:06):
close, to keep our chicks allclose.
And that's just our take.
I don't, I don't know, and maybebecause not all of our chicks
started here, like but I think alot of parents have a very like,
I want everybody to stay close.
And I even sit here and think,do I want them all to stay
close?
(46:26):
Would I enjoy the proximity?
Sure.
But I think them spreading theirwings and figuring out their
life and being given the freedomto do so is about something I
value highly.
SPEAKER_03 (46:41):
And I think that dynamic has impacted so many
holiday stuff.
Is all right, you went away, sothat means now you have to
travel to come back to us, oryou know, that's part of the
expectation.
And and I'd really encouragepeople as they're thinking
through their holidays, if theyhave adult kids, think through
(47:03):
what expectations they'reputting on them, and how do you
do that well?
How do you kind of release someof the expectation, not the
love, not the care, but releasethe the place of you have to's
that end up adding a ton morestress?
(47:24):
And then, you know, if you'refeeling that, if you're feeling
those that weight of things, Iwould really kind of try and
think through, okay, what whatis it that we want to really do
and why?
What yeah, what is what's goingon with that?
Is you know, is it just theobligation, or is there a place
(47:44):
where you can put up somehealthy boundaries, do it
better?
SPEAKER_01 (47:50):
I'm sure we've solved all the issues.
We have not.
I feel like we kind of talkedourselves in a circle.
SPEAKER_03 (47:56):
Getting getting rid of the holidays is a really
difficult time.
Yeah.
I encourage people to reach outand talk to somebody.
There's so many emotions aroundthis.
SPEAKER_01 (48:06):
And sometimes just talking to somebody can calm it
down to the point where itdoesn't it doesn't feel
overwhelming.
SPEAKER_03 (48:12):
Like that would be one thing is go sit with your
spouse and just talk about theemotions around the holidays.
About your kids, about going,visiting, parents, all that kind
of stuff.
Just go and talk about theemotions.
There's so many.
SPEAKER_00 (48:28):
And what do you need?
What do you need?
SPEAKER_03 (48:31):
Guys, I hope that was something that you can at
least talk about.
Oh yeah, it was something and uhbe able to be present with each
other as you're still in thisjourney of working on becoming
one together, and sometimesmeans really changing and with
their families.
SPEAKER_01 (48:51):
For sure.
SPEAKER_03 (48:52):
Well, all right, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
SPEAKER_01 (48:55):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_02 (49:04):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecoming one.com.
(49:26):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_01 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_02 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_03 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello there, welcome back toStill Becoming One.
SPEAKER_01 (00:33):
Welcome.
Guys, this is the best you geton a Monday morning.
SPEAKER_02 (00:39):
It is.
SPEAKER_01 (00:40):
Um, I didn't do my hair shocker, and that's what
you get on a Monday morning.
I get really excited.
Oh, you know, curly hairedgirls, we gotta do what we gotta
do.
Any other curly haired girls outthere, you know exactly what I
mean.
We can't just get up and go.
Brad said the other the otherday to me, I was like, I got up,
(01:01):
I looked in the mirror, I waslike, wow, what did you say?
It was like so good for youbecause you tend to not be this
way.
It was so fast.
You were like, hey, I grew up inthe 80s, I like 80s hair.
And I was like, oh my word, myhair is a little uh big large,
large, yes, just sleeping on itat night.
(01:23):
That's all it takes for me.
So I had to calm that down inthe shower.
So this is we got the teamversion.
Sometimes Monday mornings wepodcast, but we do admin stuff,
so I don't unfortunately, Idon't always get up and get
myself looking the same as I dothe rest of the day.
Sorry, guys.
SPEAKER_03 (01:44):
That's all good.
That's all good, but now we'redoing videos, so I know, but I
warned everyone with the firstvideo.
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
Don't it be expecting?
Okay, Monday is my day off, soyou're getting the real Kate.
But isn't that the whole point?
Brad and Kate have always triedto be brutally honest with you.
And now you're brutally honestwith my hair.
SPEAKER_03 (02:04):
If you uh don't follow us on Instagram or
Facebook, you can find us atStill Becoming One, and you get
to at least see some clips of usrecording the podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (02:15):
And uh there you go, give it a little preview, and my
hair will be done some days,just depends.
Just depends.
It's gorgeous.
So I know, I know.
SPEAKER_03 (02:26):
So believe it or not, it is November, and it is
time for people to startthinking about holidays.
SPEAKER_01 (02:37):
I was like in my brain, is it?
I don't know.
Uh do you ever get there?
You're like, wait, what centuryare we in?
What month?
What okay?
Yeah, November.
All right, got it.
SPEAKER_03 (02:48):
You know, and and I we always kind of joke, but we
totally understand it as well.
This is one of those seasonswhere I'll have clients that I
had ended with, you know, awhile back or, you know,
whatever, go, can we meet?
Because they're trying to thinkthrough how do they handle
Thanksgiving?
How do they do family thingwell?
(03:10):
How do they prepare themselves,their spouse, their family to go
visit extended family, um, andwhether, you know, both sides
sometimes, and you know whatcomes up and how do you navigate
that really well.
SPEAKER_01 (03:28):
And, you know, I think that's so valid.
It it doesn't really matter.
Let me say this.
It doesn't matter if you have aclose relationship with your
family or not.
These are still things to thinkthrough.
Absolutely.
Although we can honor a lot ofpeople have um complex
relationships with theirfamilies where they might look
(03:50):
forward to the holidays, butalso have some anxiety about
certain parts, certain themescould come up, certain family
members, certain, right?
Like it, it's complex.
SPEAKER_03 (04:01):
And um I think that we often end up dealing with a
complex.
I mean, we can talk for a minuteabout the people who thoroughly
enjoy hanging out with theirfamily and and really look
forward to that time.
I think that's that's fantastic.
It's awesome.
I think it is still achallenging couple time.
(04:25):
Sure.
Because it's just a differentdynamic.
You're bringing different peoplein.
And, you know, we often say thateven if you really get along
with your family, going home orbeing with your family is often
like a puzzle piece that fallsinto place.
Yeah.
And your spouse often doesn'thave a place in that puzzle.
(04:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
And so it becomes a or they're trying to figure out
for some families, it's a veryeasy transition.
For others, it's a it's achallenge, right?
They're still trying to figureout their peace in your family,
and maybe we'll do that for therest of their days.
It just it just depends.
SPEAKER_03 (05:08):
Yeah.
So it it that then becomes acouple dynamic for the two of
you to navigate together of howdo you take care of each other
even while we're really havingfun with our family kind of
thing.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I would even push back on you saying, like, if you
feel like you have it's always agreat time, then that's awesome.
I would say if you're beinghonest with yourself, there are
complexities, right?
There cannot be.
And I would say you've eitherdone some really good work to
(05:45):
understand the complexities, tobe able to honor them, but also
being honest, or you've justshoved it all away.
SPEAKER_03 (05:54):
Yes.
Because when we're talking aboutfamily, we always try and start
with an honor and honestyapproach that we want to bring
honor to our parents, to ourfamily, to be honoring of the
important place that they playin our lives, and just that
(06:16):
reality that we wouldn't even behere without them.
So there is an honor part thatwe need to start with.
SPEAKER_00 (06:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:24):
And we use that honor part in many ways to also
kind of go and and get to thathonest part and be able to say
without dishonoring, there wasstuff that was hard.
And I think we often, when we'reworking with with couples, when
(06:48):
we're working with individuals,we often run into people who
have not been able to givethemselves permission to have
that honest part.
They get very stuck in the oh,my family is great kind of
place.
And I'm not denying, I'm thereis lots of great part.
(07:10):
That is honor.
Yeah, of course.
But I hear so many people thatonce they kind of go, okay, I
can honor who my mom was, I canhonor who my dad was, and then I
can tell this other story thatit all of a sudden goes, I man,
(07:32):
I this thing's been hanging outhere for a long time, and I
don't even quite understand.
And sometimes they are verycomplex, difficult, hard
stories.
Sometimes they're stories ofthings happening that the
parents never knew.
SPEAKER_00 (07:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
Other times there are things happening that the
parents did in in maybe evenvery simple ways that they
didn't end up taking care of thelittle kids' feelings in the
middle of that.
And sometimes they're realstories of harm.
SPEAKER_01 (08:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (08:13):
So it, you know, we always try and say we don't want
to try and minimize the storiesthat you are uncovering in being
honest.
Doesn't matter if they're reallybig tea trauma or they're little
tea trauma, or they're sometimethat your parent didn't see you,
(08:34):
or sometime that your parentharmed you.
All of them are wounds, and wecarry them.
SPEAKER_01 (08:41):
So how does this impact holidays?
SPEAKER_03 (08:44):
Well, okay, here's the first you were wanting to
like right.
I hear a lot of people that asthey uncover that honesty, they
then want to kind of run back totheir family and go, hey, do you
remember this time?
And and talk through the thehard.
SPEAKER_01 (09:08):
So if I'm understanding, you're saying
when someone is doing story workor even just therapy, because
sometimes people get to thesethings through different, um,
different ways, that theyrealize the hurts, the harms,
the whatever it may be, and thenthey feel like they need to have
(09:29):
a conversation with theirparents about it.
SPEAKER_03 (09:32):
Yeah.
And that can be beautiful,right?
Right?
It can be the start of some realhealing.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
Well, what a beautiful thing if your parents
can join you in that.
SPEAKER_03 (09:45):
There's the real question, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:46):
What a beautiful thing.
If they can, I already haveinsights on either the family
you grew up in or the work yourparents have done.
Correct.
But that's not where themajority of people find
themselves.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (10:03):
And that's exactly what I kind of where I was
coming is so often it's like wejust start scratching the
surface of a story.
And somebody's like, oh, I wentand go in and talk to my mom
about this.
And and my gut goes like, oh mygoodness, oh god, like I because
(10:24):
I really want the person to beheld well and to join them
there.
And so often that isn't whathappens, and that gets really
hard.
SPEAKER_01 (10:34):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:37):
So you're saying, like, I think, and and this is
where it comes into holidays, isoften holidays is one of those
times where people talk aboutstories and they talk about
remember when?
And do you remember when we hadthe Christmas with?
And you know, and so it gets tobe an easy time, maybe not easy,
(10:59):
but a time to bring up thosesometimes hard stories.
SPEAKER_01 (11:04):
It's either that or we're talking about hard topics
of the world.
Like it's just well, we'll getthat.
SPEAKER_03 (11:09):
It's well, yes, but it I think you're right, it's a
breeding ground for like allkinds of things, like right, and
and I would I mean, my firstcaution to people is be really
curious with yourself why youwant to bring that story to your
(11:30):
parent.
What is it that you're lookingfor?
What response is it that you'rehoping to get?
What is your goal in wanting tobring that incident event up?
My guess is it is this hope thatyou'll actually be seen this
(11:52):
time.
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
That they'll get it, they'll have an aha moment,
right?
Kind of thing.
SPEAKER_03 (11:57):
And if that is your motivation, I want to bring a
lot of caution that it is oftenreally difficult for a parent
who's not done their own work tobring those kind of responses.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
Yeah.
And kindness for that heart ofwanting, that reconciliation, of
course.
Like most of us, I can't say allof us, would absolutely want our
parent to join us in that way.
That is an a natural desire, agood desire.
Um I usually encourage people,and maybe this is just kind of
(12:37):
my bent, but you've alwaystaught me like, what are you
expecting from your parent inthat?
Which, as you say, most of usare expecting some sort of level
of being seen and understanding.
But then I always say, Hey, thatmay not be where your parent can
join you.
SPEAKER_05 (12:54):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
But you can learn something about the future if
you have children.
And if you don't have children,you have family, right?
Where you can join your familyin future generations in a
different way.
unknown (13:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:10):
Right?
Like if your kid comes somedayto you with that kind of
conversation, which hopefullythey will, believe it or not.
SPEAKER_03 (13:19):
No, absolutely.
We want them to.
We want the brain courage thatin our own kids.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Let's be honest, we do, but we don't.
SPEAKER_03 (13:25):
Oh, of course.
But we miss every kid.
Like we miss a tune, it isimpossible not to.
And so having that opportunityrepair is such a huge gift, and
that's what you're trying togive your parent.
But if they haven't done anywork towards it, the likelihood
that they're going to miss youagain, right?
(13:47):
Or just make excuses, or just,you know, tell whatever is
really high.
And that can seriously dampenyour, you know, your
relationship and and all ofthose kind of things.
So I would really encouragepeople to be really cautious
with what stories they go homelooking to tell and looking to,
(14:13):
you know, get better insightinto.
SPEAKER_01 (14:17):
So you're saying at the holidays, like taking that
story home.
SPEAKER_03 (14:20):
Yeah, don't.
Oh.
SPEAKER_01 (14:22):
Don't unless you really I was like, yeah, no,
definitely do it at a differenttime.
If if if if you've decided isthe best thing to do, I would
encourage you not to do it withother people around at a time
that's already carries a lot ofstress and expectations, at
least in most families.
SPEAKER_03 (14:42):
The only thing I would say you bring home is if
you know you know your storythat you've worked on happened
in 1988, and you want to getsome context to what else was
going on in life in 1988.
Sure, maybe there's some storiesthat you can learn.
SPEAKER_01 (15:00):
Well, and I have also heard some people approach
siblings who feel safe to say,Do you remember that?
SPEAKER_05 (15:08):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (15:09):
What was your perspective?
Because sometimes siblings arelike, no, I I have right because
we take in things verydifferently.
Sometimes siblings do rememberevents and it can be very
helpful and clarifying fromtheir perspective.
Remember, it is a differentperspective, but what they saw
happening or what they, youknow, perceived.
(15:30):
But yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:31):
So our first caution in preparing for the holidays is
do not go back to your familyexpecting aha moments.
Right.
And I think lowering thoseexpectations and going and
trying to think through, hey,how do we how do we do this well
and safely for everybody?
(15:51):
How do we take care of eachother?
SPEAKER_01 (15:53):
Well, if there's if we can't expect aha moments,
what can we expect?
And this is this is thechallenge that I find is most
likely, and this is not apessimistic perspective.
This is a reality of how we liveout our stories, you can expect
(16:15):
a lot of the same.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
Yeah.
A lot of the same will happen.
SPEAKER_01 (16:18):
I don't know what the same is for you.
And I know for you and I, likethat's been our experience with
with both sides of our families.
Like you just, it's the same.
It's the same as what you grewup with, it's the same as how
holidays, because holidays arekind of their own beast, so to
speak, right?
So it's like, okay, we're doingit this way again.
(16:41):
And then I encourage people, andI don't know if this is where
you're going, but I encouragepeople then if it's going to be
somewhat of the same.
SPEAKER_02 (16:48):
What do you need?
SPEAKER_01 (16:50):
Yeah.
And how do you honor yourself inthat?
And you know, I do also say, isit something a conversation
needs to happen before?
Because maybe some of thosethings are really destructive
and really uh not safe, but thatgets into story and dealing with
things.
But then yeah, what do you whatI call them accommodations?
(17:13):
We use that word in specialeducation, but that's it's just
what do I need for myself toI'll use the term get through
that time.
Maybe you'd like to say thriveas best as you can through that
time.
Some people might say survivethrough that time of being with
your family or your spouse'sfamily, right?
(17:35):
Because your spouse's family canbring up things for you too in a
different aspect.
SPEAKER_03 (17:40):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (17:40):
So yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (17:42):
So I think it is awareness.
You brought up, you know, rightnow things feel very divided
politically in the United Statesand other places in the world.
SPEAKER_01 (17:53):
Oh wait, did no that's new?
Nobody knew that?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03 (17:57):
Just kidding.
So, you know, politics, religionmight be things that you choose
not to talk about.
And I say that as if it's reallyeasy to just put up boundaries
and go, no, we're not going totalk about that.
When many of us have familiesthat are like steeped in, let's
(18:19):
say, you know, let's takereligion.
You know, church may be the onlything that they do.
So when you ask, How are youdoing?
the conversation is around theirchurch.
SPEAKER_01 (18:29):
Or the only thing you might have somewhat in
common, or or not, right?
Like sure, but like you could goto very different churches, but
like you both go to church.
Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (18:40):
I so I think sometimes it can be really hard
to put up boundaries arounddifferent types of
conversations.
Um I know now that you know, Ithink in the past we used to
say, hey, if somebody's throwingout things there or whatever,
try your best not to engage andjust take care of yourself.
(19:04):
That can get really hard becauseit does feel like often somebody
else's views are under attack,somebody is being hurt by
comments that are being made.
And so, how would you advise,you know, if somebody's going
home to a place that is totallyopposite politically than they
(19:30):
are, how do they handle thatsituation, knowing it's going to
get talked about, knowingthere's going to be comments
made?
SPEAKER_01 (19:38):
You know, I think it unfortunately there's not one
answer, right?
Like I think it really dependson your story.
It really depends on the comfortlevel of your family.
Some people, some families mayhave have set, you know, an
expectation, whether it's spokenor not, of we can hash this out,
but everybody loves each otherat the end.
(20:00):
Some it's if we start to talkabout it, emotions get very
high, people get very upset.
Like it it really does depend.
You've got to evaluate your ownfamily and what they can handle.
But also there's a like, is itimportant for my voice to be
(20:20):
heard in this area?
I mean, of course we want to beseen and heard, but I've learned
to evaluate in certain spaces.
Is it that important?
Like, are they gonna they gonnahear me like in and honor me for
what I believe and think?
(20:40):
If they're not, I have chosenmany times the path of the not I
don't even want to engage it.
Well, I don't I you're not safeum in that regard.
I'm not saying they're not safein other ways, but like so I
just don't feel it's worth mytime, my emotional space to have
me share something that's rightnow a very emotional topic tied
(21:06):
with so many things.
And and for us being amulti-race family, like there's
a lot of things in there for us.
And so I I just don't engagethen, which is hard because then
you're just a listener.
But I've also learned in mylife, and you and I listen for a
living, like there is somethingto be learned in listening.
(21:28):
And I hear that, and I Iunderstand your perspective,
like being able to validatethem, but it does then become a
space where you feel like you'realways validating someone else,
and nobody's nobody's evervalidating you.
And that's hard.
SPEAKER_03 (21:47):
I think it's Instagram the brother and sister
who have discussions with theirmega parents.
SPEAKER_01 (21:55):
And I want to watch that.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (21:57):
Often we'll bring up topics that are happening, you
know, politically and try to,you know, help you help them see
other sides of it, and theparents are trying to help them
see other sides of it.
And at one point, I saw one isit a good healthy conversation?
It's it's a little volatile.
SPEAKER_01 (22:15):
Oh never mind, I don't want to watch it.
SPEAKER_03 (22:18):
I I think the at one point the mother said, We do
this because we love you.
Just because we disagree doesn'tmean we don't love you, which I
really do think is everyone'shope.
Yeah, is that they can actuallyget to that place of what you
said of you know, go throughsome place that we disagree, but
(22:41):
actually still love each other.
Well, and that can be reallyhard.
SPEAKER_01 (22:47):
Absolutely.
I also think you need to thinkabout, be curious and honor what
is your mission in that?
Like you and I have decided notto be cheese.
We haven't written it down andpasted on our wall.
That would be weird.
But like our heart's desire andposture with especially our
children, because that is adifferent relationship than our
(23:09):
parents, our siblings, like wewant to accept and honor where
they are and and be in a sourceof encouragement, a source of
care, a source of being seen.
You know, when they were about16, we encouraged them.
We were even talking about thiswith Lily when she was on the
podcast of like, if you feellike you need to go to a
(23:32):
different church, if you feellike you don't want to go to
church, like we are now puttinga lot more of that in your
hands.
Like you don't need to do whatyour parents are doing.
And um, you know, so trying tohonor who they are, where they
are.
And since that is our goal withour children, I hope that that
(23:56):
flavors our family get togethersas we continue.
Now, that is you and I's goal.
SPEAKER_03 (24:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (24:01):
We have four children, very different
experiences, very different.
Some have other parent, otherbirth parents.
Like I can't say that ourchildren are all going to adopt
that.
So that flavors it.
You also have spouses that comein that have their own families,
their own experiences.
SPEAKER_05 (24:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (24:19):
Like there's so much in there.
But I do think if you and I canhave that posture, I'm hopeful
that will bridge a lot ofdivides.
I'm not naive to think it willbridge everything.
But many of us are going intofamily situations where that is
not the posture.
SPEAKER_03 (24:39):
Yeah.
And I and I think that'suncommon that that is the
posture.
Although a parent would probablysay it, that's not what they're
actually living out.
Sure.
And in those cases, I thinkagain, we have to look towards
our family and go, what is itthat our family needs?
(25:02):
How do we walk through this asbest as possible?
And I mean, this sounds awfulwhen we're talking about going
to our family or to visit afamily, but how do we put our
armor on?
How do we go being careful andgo being wise and in walking
into it in a way that we'reready to deal with whatever
(25:28):
comes and then step back andheal from it?
Right?
And and so that means there'ssome pre-work, there's some
post-work.
SPEAKER_01 (25:38):
Which sounds like a lot of work, which is why people
don't do it.
Correct.
I was sitting here thinking, dowe just bring our boxing gloves?
That would work in my family.
Right.
That would work in my family.
We'd all put them on and do itout.
SPEAKER_03 (25:50):
But then there's tons of damage that even even in
your family that is used todoing that kind of stuff.
It is there's tons of damagethat has that.
Well, and I would advisedefensive armor rather than the
offensive armor when you'rewalking into family situations.
SPEAKER_01 (26:08):
We don't actually put on boxing gloves.
And actually, my family doesn'tget together a ton anymore.
Um, because of spouses, becauseof all different kinds of
things.
And so, but I I'm always joking,guys, with that kind of stuff.
Yes, I do think it's more likewell, I don't, I think you say
defensive, but to me it'soffensive.
I think the defensive often islike I I have to manage this so
(26:34):
I don't flip out.
The offensive is how do I honorthis is where my family is, but
honor is hard and and take careof myself well prior, during,
and after.
Right?
So I don't know that it'sdefensive.
That's true.
SPEAKER_03 (26:50):
I and I like one of the offensive things that I
would put in there, and we'vetalked about boundaries so many
times on this podcast, but oneof the things when I
automatically say boundaries,people think about what I'm not
going to talk about, what I'mnot going to do.
And I'm guessing those arepretty easy to list.
Nope, we're not going there.
(27:12):
The problem is you'll mostlikely hit those boundaries.
So the offensive is what is itthat we want to talk about
instead?
How do we want to move thatconversation from that
inappropriate topic or topic wedon't want to go to to something
that feels safer?
(27:35):
And that's been a reallyimportant thing for me because I
learned passive-aggressivemethods of communicating that
don't do that well, right?
And kind of slide in theaggressive nastiness.
(27:58):
I don't believe it.
And um I learned those well.
SPEAKER_01 (28:27):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:29):
That's really hard.
But I would suggest like that'sthis conversation thing of how
do I how do I think through whatare going to be the landmines
and where do I want to goinstead of landing on that
landmine?
SPEAKER_01 (28:45):
Well, and I think even now, if I'm honest, like we
now navigate to like ourchildren, three out of the four
are adults.
And we honor that adult spacethat they are learning, figuring
out their beliefs.
So in family spaces, they sharetheir thoughts, and they may not
(29:08):
always be what we agree with.
SPEAKER_02 (29:09):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (29:10):
And maybe what we know family doesn't agree with.
And it's like, how do we holdspace for that?
Right?
And um allow them to have avoice and and not feel like they
have to change that.
It's just, guys, it just getsreally, really complicated.
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_03 (29:29):
That's really good.
Um, so I would suggest thatthere is some pre-conversations
uh with your spouse specificallyaround okay, what does family
time look like?
And what are you going to needin order to do that family time,
(29:49):
whether it be with your family,whether their family, what are
we going to need together to dothat well?
SPEAKER_01 (29:56):
Yeah, I think that's really important.
I think, you know.
During it, what do you needthings before?
What do you need after?
SPEAKER_03 (30:05):
How do I support you?
Yeah.
Right?
Because I think so often,especially early in our
marriage, I think I would tendto physically and emotionally
disappear in your home, and youwould kind of physically and
emotionally disappear in myhome.
(30:25):
And I would getting a look.
But um I would I I think thatwould happen just because we
don't really know what we'resupposed to do to support.
And as we've taken care of eachother better, as we know each
(30:45):
other better, and as weunderstand stories better, I
think there's places where ourroles shift in what does it look
like to support and be presentand you know take care of our
spouse during family time.
SPEAKER_01 (31:03):
Yeah.
Yeah.
In yeah.
And I I think we need to honorlike you at your family.
It feels like it should be mechecking in with you.
And I do think most times that'sthe case, but like I think it
can go both ways of like you'rein your family space, so that's
going to activate certainthings.
(31:23):
But the reality is your familyfunctions very different than
mine, so that activates canactivate things in me.
Sometimes it's, you know, peopleum integrate really well with
their in-laws, and that's not athing.
Sure.
But for a lot of people, it'svery, it's it's literally going
into a cross-culturalexperience.
(31:45):
Yeah.
You talk different, you eatdifferent foods, you have
different um traditions andhabits around all kinds of
things, right?
And so, you know, how many timeshave you come into my family's
home and been like, what?
That's odd.
Why do you do that that way?
Or and we grew up vice versawith each other.
(32:07):
So but very different families.
And and and we would even say,even in the same community,
you're gonna be different.
Your parents grew up indifferent communities and have
different experiences.
Um, and so it doesn't matter ifyou grew up as neighbors,
correct.
SPEAKER_03 (32:22):
So I I think that those conversations are
essential.
Don't assume that you know it'sgonna be easy.
Don't assume like, you know,have some conversations.
What do you need?
SPEAKER_02 (32:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:35):
We always support like have ways that you can
together take breaks.
So if things do a conversationcomes up, like it's oh, we're
gonna go take a walk, or youknow, something that can give
you a break can be reallypositive.
Yeah um, you know, and have somepositive downtime afterwards.
(33:01):
We were talking recently, andum, I said many of our families,
our nuclear families kind of fundynamics or fun traditions, I
guess, would have been likelegit fun, not just like legit
fun traditions have been thingsthat we've built as
(33:25):
decompression after familyvisits or around family.
SPEAKER_01 (33:30):
I mean, yeah, some of them are just holidays in
general.
And holidays.
That sounds like we only builttraditions around holidays.
SPEAKER_03 (33:38):
But decompressions around holiday time.
SPEAKER_01 (33:40):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:41):
Right?
Or things that we did to makeholiday time easier, and they
become fun family traditions.
So it's watching a goofy movieafter um, you know, after a
visit or something like that, oryou know, doing uh, you know,
food in a unique way or thosekind of things.
So I I think sometimes thatrecovery space, I guess, is what
(34:06):
I'm kind of trying to get to, isreally important, right?
So process through what does itlook like to have downtime and
family time in a positive wayafter either after the holidays
or after family visits, youknow, have that space to
(34:28):
reconnect with your spouse anddo that well.
SPEAKER_01 (34:31):
Andor family, yeah.
Because when our kids were oldenough to understand and
perceive the dynamics, althoughthey're always feeling the
dynamics, uh, we we wouldinclude them in it too, because
they could vocalize and we wouldtalk on the way home from family
things, like how do you thinkthat went?
(34:54):
Like, you know, and it um yeah,I mean, that's what you get for
getting a therapist as a dad, Iguess.
Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_03 (35:03):
Um that's probably true.
What if they want to opt out oflike all the family expectations
around the holidays?
That they're just going, I Ireally don't want to go travel
to my family this year.
I don't really want to do this.
SPEAKER_01 (35:22):
I think your your nuclear family, and even if you
are a single adult, that that isyour nuclear family, like you
get to have this space of askingyourself, like, what do I want
to do?
What parts would I like to be apart of?
What parts would I not?
Right.
And being able to express thatto some extent.
(35:44):
With my family, it I've we justfor better and for worse, have a
little bit more blatant, likethis is what we're doing, this
is what we're not doing, kind ofrelationship, or like I'm not, I
hear that, that sounds fun,that's not something I'm gonna
(36:05):
do, right?
Like, so some families havethat.
SPEAKER_03 (36:08):
You're saying there's it with your family,
there seems to be lessexpectations around, oh, you you
have to come home forThanksgiving or something like
that.
SPEAKER_01 (36:16):
If yes, I do think that with my family.
If anything, the expectationsare hidden and you're not sure
when you're hitting them andwhen you're not, but that's
that's a whole nother subjectfor a whole nother day.
But I feel like I can openlyexpress to my family like we're
just we think we're gonna hangout, we're gonna write, like I
can express that.
(36:37):
I don't, I think a lot of peoplefeel that pressure.
And I think asking yourself,like, what is it about that that
I don't enjoy?
Is it stressful?
Is it whatever?
And then deciding that as afamily, whether that's you and
your spouse, you and your spouseand kids, you just you, right?
And then advocating for I lovedoing this with you guys, this
(37:04):
part I'm not doing this year, oryeah, I don't want to travel
this year.
I I will miss you all, right?
It's not, but like I think we doget to have a voice.
And yet when I talk to people,that's the thing, and and
especially when you and I dopremarital, we always talk about
the holidays, and it is a spacewhere most young adults do not
(37:28):
that we only do young adults inpremarital, but yes, they are
like, oh, but my family expectsit, my family expects it, and
it's like stop okay.
I would just encourage anyonewith children moving up into
young adulthood, don't expectit.
(37:48):
Don't expect it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:49):
And don't demand like everyone has to be here in
this time, and we have to do itall together.
And if you're not gonna be here,you're disloyal because you're
putting on this huge tension onadult children who are then you
know trying to like they'redealing with that tension.
(38:12):
And I feel that so often fromclients that the biggest thing
that happens through theholidays is tension and stress
because of all theseexpectations that are coming,
and they don't want todisappoint a parent, sure, but
they end up feeling like I'mdisappointing my parent anyway
because I'm not gonna be here onthis certain day, or oh my gosh,
(38:34):
now I have to travel.
And I, you know, it's all of theexpectations that I think get so
heavy.
And that's exactly kind of whatI was going.
Like, I think it is okay to attimes go, no, I'm not, I'm, you
know, we're not we're not doingit.
We're gonna do friends givingthis time and we'll get together
(38:54):
for Christmas, or we're gonnado, you know, one parent, not
the other.
And setting up those boundariescan be really hard, but I think
it's sometimes really important.
SPEAKER_01 (39:06):
And if you're the parents, be okay with it, right?
Like this year, our oldest said,I'm not coming home for
Thanksgiving.
And I didn't realize thatbecause he just told you.
So, like there was that bit ofcommunication.
But the other day I said to him,Oh, I'm so sad you're not coming
home.
But I said, and I hope he heard,I'm sad because I we haven't
(39:26):
seen him in a little while.
And I would love to see you, notI need you home for
Thanksgiving.
Like, Thanksgiving to me is likea I love Abe Lincoln that he
made it a holiday, but it's alsoto me like a eh, I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (39:42):
But like But I think it's an eh because it's had so
many expectations for us for somany years.
SPEAKER_01 (39:50):
That's probably potentially true.
I also think I have always feltin my life Thanksgiving and
Christmas are too close.
Like it's like two power-packedholidays within 30 days of each
other.
And that's a lot.
Like, I think I felt that evenas a kid.
It I I think a lot of people seeit as the starting of Christmas.
(40:12):
Granted, let's be honest, youcan start Christmas a whole lot
earlier.
There's a whole podcast we coulddo, right, babe?
Okay.
Um, Brad does not agree with mystance on when Christmas can
start.
SPEAKER_02 (40:24):
You just skip right to winter.
SPEAKER_01 (40:27):
I it doesn't have to be winter.
Half the time it's not evenwinter here at Christmas, but I
like Christmas and I think itshould be a longer season.
Anyways, it is a lot in Americanculture to have two very large
holidays, um, I think forfamilies.
I think it's a lot, right?
If you at Christmas and Easter,I realize those are Christian
(40:47):
holidays.
I don't necessarily mean thatthey have to be, but there's
time in between, right?
And so I I just think, yeah.
I do think we have our ownthoughts of Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
And obviously everybody hastheir own thoughts about
holidays, but it it's more Iwant my kids to know I would
(41:09):
love to see you, but really,like I can see you any time of
the year.
It doesn't have to be at theholidays.
Right.
And I don't understand likeeverybody has to be together for
the I don't I don't get thatsentiment.
I don't know.
It's something to to dig intostory, right?
Like, why does that send why isthat sentiment so important?
SPEAKER_03 (41:30):
Of why everyone, everyone being there at the same
time is so important.
SPEAKER_01 (41:34):
Yes, but specifically at these days, it's
like to me, everybody gettingtogether at different times.
Well, and I that makes it soundlike I'm pushing that.
Do we what do you feel aboutthat?
SPEAKER_03 (41:48):
I I have been trying to think through some of that
dynamic myself.
I think that has been this valueum that I've grown up with.
I don't, you know, I'm not sureI hold that same value or want
to because I recognize the costof that pressure.
(42:09):
Right?
Because I think that pressureends up creating a dynamic where
stress just enters into theseason and enters into the
holiday because we're trying tomeet everyone else's
expectations.
And expectations like that donot actually foster healthy
relationships.
(42:30):
So I I think that's where I havetried to do my own.
You know, we're just entering aseason where we're not gonna
have everyone together in ournuclear family for uh for
Christmas, for you know,Thanksgiving.
Like those are gonna starthappening more and more.
And I think there will be someemotions around it, but I I want
(42:53):
to also honor that as otherpeople are choosing their lives
and their other things, like Idon't want to be the stress in
their life.
Like I want to be the place thatthey come for a very other
things.
SPEAKER_01 (43:09):
So well, and I think about your extended family who
we're very close with.
We do a zoom.
I is it usually Christmas Day?
Sometimes I feel like it's likesometime that week, sometime
that week or Christmas, yeah.
Sometime and we all just shootthe breeze for a few minutes,
right?
Like to me, because we're all indifferent locations, there's
nobody nobody super close.
(43:30):
I guess a couple of yourrelatives are close to each
other, but you know, like to methat's what the holiday's about,
right?
Like right.
SPEAKER_03 (43:39):
There are other ways to reach out, there are other
ways to touch base.
SPEAKER_01 (43:42):
Well, and we've encouraged our kids to spread
their wings, and we have beenvery open.
Hopefully, nobody will feel likewe're Lancaster haters.
We didn't grow up here, andwe've never kind of I've never
kind of felt like this is home.
I don't think it'll be the lastplace we settle, but who knows
what the Lord will do.
Um, and I know, you know, Brad,you can share your thoughts on
(44:03):
that, but we've encouraged themto spread their wings that
they're this is not the onlyoption in life is Lancaster.
And that has and and some ofthem didn't start in Lancaster,
right?
SPEAKER_03 (44:17):
So, like it just I we had a repair person in the
house this last week, and theseveral by the way.
SPEAKER_01 (44:25):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (44:25):
Okay, they said at one point they were like, Oh,
this is so great.
Did you guys grow up here?
Which is a very Lancaster Countyquestion.
Question Did you guys grow uphere?
SPEAKER_01 (44:34):
Do you ever remember getting that question in Chester
County?
SPEAKER_03 (44:37):
Because it was much more transient culture, right?
And a suburb of Philly.
I like anytime that questionhappens, I have to remind myself
to say no, because we grew up anhour away.
So to most people, that's here.
But in Leicester County, notLancaster County, no, no, no,
no.
(45:01):
Right.
So it like it it just meanssomething, and I think that is a
culture.
We've talked to other peoplewho've moved into this county,
it's a very difficult county tointegrate into.
So I think we felt that I meanwe've been here for 18, 17
(45:22):
years.
SPEAKER_01 (45:23):
I like and yeah, I mean, Kent's 22.
He was two when he moved here,so 20 years.
Yeah, so but it does, yeah, itis hard to connect to it is, but
it's also just like, and somepeople love Lancaster County and
that they grow.
It's not that I dislike it, it'sjust has never I don't know,
(45:43):
Chester County didn't reallyfeel like home either.
So I don't know, maybe that Imaybe that's something in and of
itself, but like we what mypoint in saying that is we have
encouraged our kids go whereveryou feel like right.
So we haven't also like feltthis need to keep them all
(46:06):
close, to keep our chicks allclose.
And that's just our take.
I don't, I don't know, and maybebecause not all of our chicks
started here, like but I think alot of parents have a very like,
I want everybody to stay close.
And I even sit here and think,do I want them all to stay
close?
(46:26):
Would I enjoy the proximity?
Sure.
But I think them spreading theirwings and figuring out their
life and being given the freedomto do so is about something I
value highly.
SPEAKER_03 (46:41):
And I think that dynamic has impacted so many
holiday stuff.
Is all right, you went away, sothat means now you have to
travel to come back to us, oryou know, that's part of the
expectation.
And and I'd really encouragepeople as they're thinking
through their holidays, if theyhave adult kids, think through
(47:03):
what expectations they'reputting on them, and how do you
do that well?
How do you kind of release someof the expectation, not the
love, not the care, but releasethe the place of you have to's
that end up adding a ton morestress?
(47:24):
And then, you know, if you'refeeling that, if you're feeling
those that weight of things, Iwould really kind of try and
think through, okay, what whatis it that we want to really do
and why?
What yeah, what is what's goingon with that?
Is you know, is it just theobligation, or is there a place
(47:44):
where you can put up somehealthy boundaries, do it
better?
SPEAKER_01 (47:50):
I'm sure we've solved all the issues.
We have not.
I feel like we kind of talkedourselves in a circle.
SPEAKER_03 (47:56):
Getting getting rid of the holidays is a really
difficult time.
Yeah.
I encourage people to reach outand talk to somebody.
There's so many emotions aroundthis.
SPEAKER_01 (48:06):
And sometimes just talking to somebody can calm it
down to the point where itdoesn't it doesn't feel
overwhelming.
SPEAKER_03 (48:12):
Like that would be one thing is go sit with your
spouse and just talk about theemotions around the holidays.
About your kids, about going,visiting, parents, all that kind
of stuff.
Just go and talk about theemotions.
There's so many.
SPEAKER_00 (48:28):
And what do you need?
What do you need?
SPEAKER_03 (48:31):
Guys, I hope that was something that you can at
least talk about.
Oh yeah, it was something and uhbe able to be present with each
other as you're still in thisjourney of working on becoming
one together, and sometimesmeans really changing and with
their families.
SPEAKER_01 (48:51):
For sure.
SPEAKER_03 (48:52):
Well, all right, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
SPEAKER_01 (48:55):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_02 (49:04):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecoming one.com.
(49:26):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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