July 31, 2024 • 35 mins
Anxiety sometimes feels like a blaring smoke alarm in your life; it may be your own anxiety or your spouse's. You're not alone. On this episode of Still Becoming One, we are thrilled to sit down with Abby Foster, an LCSW from Lancaster Therapy Center, to unpack the nuances of anxiety and its profound impact on daily living and relationships. Abby illuminates the line between normal anxiety and the type that disrupts your sleep, relationships, and overall functioning, shedding light on when it might be time to seek professional help.
Ever wonder how to truly support a spouse dealing with anxiety without making things worse? We explore how to move beyond well-meaning but ineffective strategies to discover how couples can work together to battle anxiety.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (00:35):
We are so glad to be back today and we have
another friend to introduce youto.
I think we're gonna have agreat conversation today.
We're excited.
Kate Aldrich (00:44):
Yeah, it's gonna be really good.
We're going to talk aboutanxiety, which is something I
think everybody can somewhatrelate to, especially if you
live through 2020 and thepandemic.
Brad Aldrich (00:56):
I don't know 2024 is going right up there.
Kate Aldrich (00:59):
Well, it keeps right on going, so I think this
is going to be something thateverybody can get something from
, which is really cool.
Today we have our friend AbbyFoster joining us.
She is an LCSW and works herelocally where we live.
Her practice is calledLancaster Therapy Center and
we've gotten to know her alittle bit through a church we
(01:21):
used to attend together, bitthrough a church we used to
attend together.
So we are really excited tohave Abby.
She's been married to herhusband for 12 years and they
have two kids together.
So welcome Abby.
Abby Foster (01:32):
Thank you guys so much.
I'm really happy to be on withyou yeah we're happy to have you
.
Kate Aldrich (01:37):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (01:38):
So yeah, abby and I had spent some time talking a
couple years ago just aboutcounseling and practice, some
time talking a couple years agojust about counseling.
Abby Foster (01:45):
And yes, because abby and I met at vbs, right
helping at church and I wastelling somebody that yesterday
how I got just I was supposed tojust be like a greeter very
quickly got promoted becausesomeone couldn't make it.
I was so grateful that kate wasthere because I was like I'll
help you, you just tell me whatto do it was.
It was like I'll help you, youjust tell me what to do.
Kate Aldrich (02:04):
It was like the wild wild west that morning but
we made it.
Brad Aldrich (02:07):
We made it, it was a good time yeah.
Vbs causes anxiety, I think ohdefinitely, absolutely.
So one of the things that Ihave appreciated about you, abby
and honestly I've referredpeople to you for is one of your
specialties is really helpingpeople figure out this whole
idea of anxiety and dealing withhigh levels of anxiety in their
(02:32):
life and how to process that.
I would love just to startbecause, look, we're all talking
about anxiety.
We were joking about 2024.
There's so much stuff going onin the world right now, right.
Like you can't turn on the newswithout getting some anxiety.
Sure, how does somebody knowlike, okay, this is normal, what
(02:54):
everybody has, and this ismaybe something where I need to
get some help?
Abby Foster (02:59):
Yeah, yeah, sometimes I'll say something to
people where they think likethat shouldn't bother me, or I
shouldn't be feeling like that,or, you know, I just that I
should just be able to let thatgo, and I want to say like, well
, would you have a pulse if youdid that?
Kate Aldrich (03:13):
Yeah.
Abby Foster (03:14):
You know, it's just a very normal reaction and
there's parts to anxiety thatare really really good and
really really important and weneed them.
And that's where that fight orflight response comes in, where
it's there to keep us safe.
Do we need to flee fromsomewhere, fight for something?
Do we need to kind of justfreeze and ground ourselves for
a little bit?
(03:34):
And so it can be a very goodresource for us.
That, you know, god gave us andprogrammed us very, very wisely
to have that response that wecould just not really think but
act.
And in other ways, I think ithelps us.
You know, stay on point withthings.
If you're a little worried oranxious about something, you're
(03:55):
probably going to prepare for it, or you maybe won't forget it,
or you'll pay a little bit moreattention to it, and so there
can be these really goodcomponents of being anxious or
having stress.
What we want to be looking foris when is it spilling over into
other things and when is itbecoming more consuming?
So if you have something comingup that you're worried about
(04:18):
and you're wanting to preparefor it and you're paying a
little bit more attention, andyou know, maybe you've decided
I'm not going to go out withfriends this week, or I'm going
to, you know, skip my kidssoccer game because I want to
pay attention to that.
That's, that's great, you know,but when it's, I'm not eating
and I can't sleep and that's allI can think about.
And so what we really want tolook for is where it's more
(04:40):
consuming.
It's spilling over intodifferent categories of life.
So is it impacting myrelationship with my spouse,
with my kids?
Is it impacting my performanceat work or at school?
Is it causing me to kind ofwithdraw from aspects of life or
things that I enjoyed?
Is it impacting my sleep?
(05:01):
And then also, what we want tolook for is when we have this
like impending sense of doom orcatastrophe.
And so, you know, there's,there's these components of like
oh, I'm worried, that might notgo well, or I might mess up, or
I might get that wrong.
Well, yeah, we're humans, we'regoing to not nail everything
all the time, but when it's likethis catastrophic type thinking
(05:26):
, that's another, I think,signal to people that it might
be something that's worthlooking into a little bit more.
Kate Aldrich (05:32):
Yeah that's good, that makes sense.
Brad Aldrich (05:34):
That's really helpful.
Abby Foster (05:35):
So, seeing the fact that it's impacting your life
in a negative way, it's holdingyou back, it's it's stopping
some things for sure, yeah,Cause again, it can be used for
good and really help us and, youknow, challenge us and and get
us focused.
But it can be used forunhelpful times as well.
Brad Aldrich (05:58):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and we've certainly
seen how.
You know we do a lot of workwith couples and still becoming
one is all about, you know,growing your marriage together.
We've seen a lot of times whereone spouse is going.
I don't understand why you'reso nervous about that or why
(06:19):
you're so focused on this or thenews or what you know, whatever
it is and just doesn't getwhat's going on.
How do you, how do you explainto somebody without anxiety what
it's like?
Abby Foster (06:34):
Yeah, yeah, that's.
That's a big frustration.
I have a lot of people that Iwork with and a very common
complaint is someone says likecan you just like knock that off
?
Can you just?
Brad Aldrich (06:44):
pull it together, can you?
Abby Foster (06:45):
just stop that and everything in them wants to be
able to do that, but it'sdifficult and it's challenging.
And so something that I try todo and encourage people I work
with, because sometimes they'llhave I don't, I don't do couples
therapy per se, but I'll invitethem, if they want to have
their spouse come on to askquestions or learn things or try
(07:09):
to help come up with plans ofhow they can be helpful, because
, you know, like anything,there's independent battles, but
it's nice to have somebody tolean on or to support you with
or to kind of redirect you in ahelpful way, to support you with
or to kind of redirect you in ahelpful way.
And so what I think can bereally helpful is just if you're
not somebody that struggleswith anxiety is getting a little
(07:32):
bit more information of what isgood, because I think a lot of
times people feel like it's justthis like meh, like emotional
thing, and I'm just choosing tobe it.
But that's why I like toexplain to people the concepts
of fight or flight and whathappens in our body.
And then it's this, you know,boost of adrenaline, and it's
almost like the fire alarm thatyou can't just say false alarm,
(07:54):
it was just a pumpkin spicecandle, like you don't have to
go off.
It's like the alarm is goingand you really have to wait for
the smoke to clear, to be alittle bit more clear minded
about things and to be able tocome out of it.
It's not a snap your fingers,just knock that off, right.
So I really like educatingpeople on what's happening
(08:14):
inside our bodies, likeinvisible, and I think that that
helps others who don'texperience a more clinical level
of anxiety understand a littlebit more, experience a more
clinical level of anxiety,understand a little bit more,
and then again going over sometools that are helpful for them,
because the good news is thatboth people want the same thing.
This one wants to knock it offand this one wants the other one
(08:35):
to knock it off, sure.
And so how do we help thepartner you know the spouse to
say what can I do that'sproductive to help and support
them and encourage them and havethat anxiety go down, where a
lot of times it kind of does theopposite of it just angers
people more in an alreadydifficult state.
Brad Aldrich (08:56):
It riles people up , right, it hits those buttons.
Kate Aldrich (09:00):
Well, it can start to bring out anxiety in the
other spouse, and I think thatit just.
It becomes then this viciouscycle, not that anyone's
intending it to be, but it justbecomes, yeah, so I think that's
really helpful, because we canbe helpful, try to be helpful.
We can try to be.
Brad Aldrich (09:21):
I think probably the first thing like you're
talking about is almostrecognizing the places where
we're not, where we're hittingeach other's buttons and where
we're aggravated because oftheir.
Oh my gosh, can't you just stopthinking about that?
Well, and what?
Kate Aldrich (09:38):
from your own story is making this so
uncomfortable, and I think it'sgot to be hard to see your
spouse struggle in any way.
So there's that piece, but thatpiece of I want you to knock it
off.
I'm always curious like wheredoes that come from, right?
Instead of just you know, justkind of trying to understand
(10:00):
what was what.
What was it like if you wereanxious in your family?
Were you told to just knock itoff?
Was there space for you to talkabout it.
I think there's something in aspouse's response that is
important for them to understand, for them to be able to
understand, interact with itdifferently.
Abby Foster (10:19):
Yeah, and I think too, part of it is just that
lack of understanding wherethat's kind of like I don't know
what else to do for you, so I'mjust going to say stop, stop,
right, right, yeah, yeah andI'll say that to people about
anxiety, because the way thatyou treat it or come about it
seems kind of backwards, wherepeople it's like, well, let me
(10:41):
do this for you then, or let metake care of this or take this
off your plate and those thingsare really appropriate and
really wonderful and helpful insome circumstances, but they're
not in anxiety, and so it can bea very difficult thing because
sometimes you're doing maybe theopposite of what you know, an
instinct, and the right thing todo in a different situation is
(11:02):
so you're saying that even goingto your spouse and going, oh,
here, let me help you with that,or oh, let me take that off
your plate so you don't have toworry about it, could aggravate
the anxiety not help.
Yes.
So if you're, if you're fearfulof something and there's this
impending doom and I don't know,let's use something maybe like
(11:23):
um, I have to, I have to meetwith the kid's teacher and I'm
really nervous that she's goingto think I, you know, I'm a
disorganized.
I'll use a mom, like I'm adisorganized mom and I can't
keep up with their homework andI don't know what's going on and
I have this parent teacherconference and I'm so nervous
about it.
Or maybe you had a badexperience with a previous kid,
(11:45):
with that teacher.
I don't know whatever, butyou're worried about it and your
husband says I'll just do themeeting for you, then that's
super helpful because it's justavoidance at that point.
And then what happens when youhave to email the teacher, or
what happens when there's theschool field trip or there's
something else right, or not theteacher but the soccer coach,
(12:07):
or it's just it's going to keepspilling over.
And so, yes, there's somecircumstances where taking
things off somebody's plate iscounterproductive and enabling
and like fueling that anxietymore.
Brad Aldrich (12:18):
Okay.
Kate Aldrich (12:19):
That's really good .
Brad Aldrich (12:20):
So it that you know I think you just hit the
two probably most commonresponses from a spouse is
either tell them to stop it ortry to help by taking it off
your plate.
So if both of those are wrong,what's the right answer?
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
I don't think they're wrong, they're just not
helpful.
Brad Aldrich (12:41):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (12:42):
And not always right.
It's difficult.
Yes.
Abby Foster (12:45):
Because sometimes, if you know, like the example I
gave earlier, if I have this bigthing that I'm trying to do for
work, it might be reallyhelpful for me to say to my
husband hey, I'll take the kidsto soccer tonight.
You can spend time doing thatright.
So there's certain things.
Spend time doing that, right,so there's, there's certain
things.
What we're looking for again isthese patterns and habits,
(13:08):
things that are filling overmore than they should, or
growing, where it's not just theteacher Now, it's the soccer
coach, now it's like um, thereare kids, parents I don't know
like they might judge me so youdrop them off right when it's
spilling into more things.
Those are times that avoidingthat is not helpful and so, in
some circumstances, encouragingor maybe doing something with
them well, I'll attend themeeting with you and I'll sit
(13:32):
there, and if you get flustered,I can jump in where there's
support there or in somecircumstances, it's well, let's
go over the questions beforehandand then then you're all
prepared.
And if it doesn't go well, wecan talk about rescheduling and
trying again.
Where there's some sort ofsupporting you or I'm helping
(13:54):
you, I think some encouragementto can be helpful of just you
know well, you know you'recapable of this, or if you mess
up like it's no big deal youknow where you're kind of not
minimizing their feelings butminimizing how big they think
the reaction could be.
And and sometimes too I've saidto people, because you know
(14:16):
again where we we tend to dothings and we're feeling
feelings of you know, anger orfrustration, or we're short on
time and I don't have time tonavigate who's going to meet
with the teacher on the zoom,because we didn't plan for this
and I have my own meeting.
So, you know, what we want tokind of think about too is just
these advanced plans.
And I'll say to people like,ask your husband or ask your
(14:38):
wife or what, what can they sayto you that will land softly and
like warmly and not tick youoff, where you know if they're
doing something and it's likeyou're doing it again, or this
is one of those things.
You know that's that's going tobe jarring for somebody.
Where what can we say in thatmoment?
And and I'll say, have aconversation, where is it?
(14:58):
I think this is one of thosetimes or here's this really good
moment for you to kind of pushthrough this.
Or this seems like a time thatwe've talked about in the past
where I want to be supportive toyou and I want you to do it,
where you're kind of saying, hey, here's your chance and let's
do this, but it's it's aprescriptive like this will land
(15:20):
nicely sort of way.
So I think that just practicingcommunication around it and
advanced planning where it holdsboth parties accountable, I
think that that can be a reallyhelpful strategy for couples too
.
But really we want to just keephelping them expose themselves
to that and get that practiceand maybe then even going back
(15:42):
and I'm really proud of you thatyou did that or that was really
awesome or letting them knowthat was so helpful for me that
you were able to manage thatmeeting on your own.
Thank you for doing that.
I think, that some likegratitude on the back end is
always a good thing too, sureyeah.
Brad Aldrich (15:57):
Fantastic.
Kate Aldrich (15:58):
That's really good .
Brad Aldrich (15:59):
What all of the like?
I want to add one piece,because you said a minute ago
that all like, when there's thatfog of fight or flight, a lot
of things don't work yeah, rightso the, the, I'm gonna, I'll
help you through it let's, let'suh, you know, role play it.
Let's like probably isn't gonnahappen in in that, in that
(16:22):
space, yes, and yet that'sprobably also the most
noticeable time that somebody isanxious.
Abby Foster (16:29):
Yes.
Brad Aldrich (16:30):
What do you do then?
Like when somebody is in thatlike like when someone's in that
.
Abby Foster (16:35):
I think the best thing to do is help them get out
of that.
And so that it doesn't have tobe immediate problem solving and
that's again we think of well,okay, this is the problem, boom,
here's how we solve it.
But you can't get to boom whenthe smoke alarm is going off.
And and I'll say that to people, I use the.
I use a lot of analogies when Italk to people and they've told
(16:58):
me they find it helpful.
I think they're silly and Ijoke with some people that I
should start a merchandise linewith these crazy things.
That's awesome Silly things.
But I think people do well withlike word pictures and
remembering these, becausemental concepts are tricky and
there's a lot of differentstrategies to use and try.
And so I'll use the analogy ofdid you ever go to like?
(17:20):
And we just had this on afamily vacation, actually.
I'll use the analogy of did youever go to like a?
We just had this on a familyvacation.
Actually, we were on the 17thfloor of a building in Florida
and the fire alarm false alarmwent off at like 1am and it's
like jarring and you know, youhave a woman's voice and the and
like flashing lights and it wasreally discombobulating.
And I say to people if youthink about like that smoke
(17:42):
alarm which is your fight orflight.
It's like your body's innersmoke alarm that says danger or
like keep going, you can'treally reach somebody.
They're so distracted andconsumed by that, and so we have
to just do things until thesmoke alarm says like okay, like
I can calm down now.
And so I think that that tendsto be the helpful approach is
(18:03):
what's going to get the dust tosettle or the smoke to settle
and not like the flames more.
And that can be very much.
Let's just pause this.
Let's go for a walk.
Why don't you go read a book?
Let's go do this together.
Let's talk about something else.
A lot of people do well withdeep breathing.
A lot of people do well withdeep breathing A lot of people
(18:29):
do well with meditation.
I think that deep breathing andexercise or some sort of
movement are the best ways forpeople to come out of that.
And I think a lot of timespeople's next reaction is to
curl up in bed and for somepeople that works and that's
okay, but I think more so whathelps people get out of that is
to keep moving and kind ofremind yourself I'm in.
That's okay, but I think moreso what helps people get out of
that is to keep moving and kindof remind yourself I'm in charge
of my body, I can go move it, Ican go outside, I can do
something fun.
(18:50):
I can cook a meal, and I alsothink that these are great
opportunities again for couplesto do together, where I'll go
for a walk with you and we cantalk about not this and
something else.
And, and I say to people to,you know, use reminiscing, um,
plan your dream vacation whereyou're just getting out of that
(19:12):
space and helping to pull yourhusband or wife out of that by
distracting, by moving your body, cause again you have all these
chemicals going through yourbody, all this adrenaline and so
kind of like you would think ofa reverse gas tank you want to
burn the gas out.
And so, moving, talking,distracting, engaging.
(19:33):
That's why I love cooking too,because you're thinking about
things.
You have to measure stuff anduse the oven or the stove.
And where's this pot now?
Where's this knife?
What's the the dishwasher is?
Or the stove?
And where's this pot?
Now, where's this knife?
Is it in the dishwasher?
Is it in the drawer?
It's distracting, okay, and itgives you something else to
focus on, but it's also nicebecause you can do it together.
Brad Aldrich (19:50):
I love that.
Kate Aldrich (19:50):
That's really cool .
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseand yeah, I can see how that
would work really well.
Brad Aldrich (19:57):
And I think that's super helpful to even recognize
there are probably a couple ofdifferent strategies as a spouse
.
If you recognize anxiety inyour spouse, you have to be good
at right.
There is this place of how do Ihelp you through it, how do we
role play, how do I bring somepositive reinforcement, all
(20:17):
those kinds of things.
But there's also that time of Ijust got to get the smoke out
of the room.
Kate Aldrich (20:23):
Yeah, yeah so that's super helpful.
Yeah, good.
Brad Aldrich (20:27):
What if and this could be either side.
You talked a little bit of likehow do you know if you need to
deal with anxiety?
Maybe need to go talk tosomebody about it, right, like
so.
But again on the spouse sidelike there are some people
listening to this, I am sure whoare going this is my husband or
(20:47):
this is my wife, like they'rethe ones with anxiety and I see
it in them and I see how it ishurting their life.
But maybe they're not able toable to or ready to say, yep, I
need some help.
What do they do?
How do you help somebody get tothat place of?
Hey, maybe we need to dosomething here.
Abby Foster (21:09):
Yeah, I do think that just communication is
really key and I think, a lot oftimes, people, you know you
love your husband or wife, youwant to protect them, you don't
want to make them feel bad, thatthis is impacting, but, um, you
know, conflict delayed isconflict multiplied, and so, um,
if you're delaying and you'reavoiding something you know,
(21:32):
maybe there's a little bit ofanxiety about that there too Um,
I think the best approach isjust to approach it warmly,
where, um, you know, most of thetime it is with the most of
positive intention.
I don't want you to keepstruggling like this and it's
impacting you and you know, Idon't want your days to be like
this and I don't want your lifeto be, you know, or this to be
(21:56):
dictating life, as much as it isRight, and again, that's one of
those warning signs where it'sjust spilling over into all
these different things and alsosometimes even, you know, I, I
want to learn and I feel alittle unsure about what to do
and I think it would be great,and I think even sometimes, if
the anxious person isn't willingto, sometimes the spouse can be
(22:18):
the one to.
Just I just want to kind of goand I want to learn more about
this and just what I can do andsometimes that could be a good
lead into somebody else's mom,um, and just get some ideas and
strategies, because I, I, I dowant to say too, I'm mentioning
a lot of things, but what'stricky and what can be most
helpful is because everybody'sdifferent, you know, and
(22:40):
everybody has different anxietyabout different things in
different circumstances, and youknow there's different
variables.
The dog wants to make herappearance on the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (22:50):
Oh perfect.
Brad Aldrich (22:51):
That's perfect.
Kate Aldrich (22:52):
We've had dogs, other dogs, including ours.
Abby Foster (22:55):
I love it.
But yeah, I think that you know, kind of going and showing the
lead sometimes of I'm going tojust go get myself some
information because I want tohandle this can be nice, and
then they can kind of teach orthey at least feel in a position
of more knowledge or more.
Everybody wants control, likefeeling more in control in a
(23:16):
situation that feels very out ofcontrol.
Brad Aldrich (23:18):
Of course, of course.
Kate Aldrich (23:20):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (23:21):
I think that's that happens.
A lot is that, that feeling ofout of control, and then it's
really easy just to kind of goto putting our head under the
covers because, we don't knowwhat to do next.
So and that's somewhat where Ifeel like this kind of stuff is
just so helpful of like, hey,there, there is help out there.
(23:44):
Right and um, I think a lot ofpeople don't get help because
they fear.
The only answer is now I'mgoing to have to be on some
medication forever.
Abby Foster (23:57):
Yes, yes, and it's frustrating, you know.
You hear, I hear from a lot ofpeople that I work with who
maybe worked with somebodydifferent or maybe tried
something, or they heard like afriend had done something, and
it's not a great experience, andI want people to know that
therapy is more than just ohgosh, I'm so sorry to hear about
(24:19):
that and like I'm here tosupport you and try to breathe
it, you know, and it's important, if you have anxiety or if you
struggle with and I work with alot of people who have obsessive
compulsive disorder, which isunder the anxiety umbrella too,
and that's something a lot oftimes that can be very impactful
(24:40):
on a household, and so you knowit's like, oh, that must be
really hard.
Or you know, I had someone theone time too, like she would get
so anxious and she said she wasencouraged to drink ginger ale
when that happened and I justthought no.
I would encourage people to seekout you know what you're
(25:01):
looking for or what would behelpful, but also to know that
there is therapy out there thatwill provide education on what
is happening.
You know in your body how yourbrain works.
I work to really teach people alot about how we think so
distortedly and how our emotionsreally kind of mix up, how we
(25:23):
see things and then ourbehaviors fall in place.
And that's the crux ofcognitive behavioral therapy is
your thoughts, your behaviorsand your emotions.
But I think I want people toreally know that therapy can be
very instructional of here'syour plan to go home or here's
what I want you to do this weekand apply this Now.
(25:44):
You have to do that right forit to be successful.
You don't just, you know, goand kind of unpack it all
verbally and you know 45 to 60minutes.
And I think you can feel betterafter you unpack it.
But you know there has to besome follow through.
But I just I think it's reallyimportant for people to know
that there is like actualtreatment plans available If you
(26:07):
have anxiety or if you haveobsessive compulsive disorder or
a phobia of some sort or you'rejust like struggling with
stress and coping, and and itcan be very impactful and
helpful.
And I think to some people it'slike well, so-and-so told me
this and I will say I feel funnyand it makes me laugh for
situations like this, cause I'llhave people say like well, my
(26:27):
husband said he told me that,but I'm listening to you and
it's kind of like they heard itbut you're you're hearing it in
a different way because it'spresented in a different fashion
, or it's you're seeing it nowthrough behaviors and kind of
like therapy, homework that'sallowing you to not just like
think about it but experience itand get that buy in a little
(26:50):
bit more.
And so I just think that that'sreally important, that people
know that that kind of therapyis out there.
And if you haven't found thatand you tried, I would encourage
you to try again.
And same thing with medication.
You know you'll have people whowill say, well, you should just
go see a psychiatrist or gotalk to your family family
physician about you knowanti-anxiety medication or an
(27:12):
antidepressant, and you knowthere's certainly a time for
medication and that's certainlya personal choice.
But there's also very greatopportunities.
That's just behaviorally orpractice, and even things like
sleep, and when you're anxiousyou're probably not sleeping the
best either.
Sleep, and when you're anxiousyou're probably not sleeping the
(27:36):
best either, and it's a realamazing thing, how much sleep
impacts.
Or are you eating correctly?
And sometimes, when people arestressed, they overeat or they
undereat.
You have it on both ends there.
But if you're not fueling yourbody properly whether it's not
getting enough or it's gettingtoo much or too much of the
wrong things that's going toimpact you too, and so there's a
lot of things to look at.
You know before, or either?
(27:57):
In addition, to the desire formedication, and that's something
that I think it's great to workwith a professional on.
Brad Aldrich (28:03):
That's fantastic, that's really good.
Well, I you know this has beenjust a ton of really great
information.
And I wanted to just say.
You know, some people may belistening to this and going oh
my gosh, maybe I do need to talkto somebody, maybe there's some
hope here and we're going tohave your links in our show
notes.
Abby Foster (28:23):
You said your, your website is it's
wwwlancastertherapycentercom,and then on that you can find my
social medias.
But on social media, onfacebook and instagram, I'm just
at lancaster therapy center andI I joke with people I don't
(28:43):
know how.
Um, I think you guys do yourown stuff too, but I'm a woman
show we do our own stuff so likethe marketing is not really
nailing it on the.
Instagram, but so it's not themost like thriving page, but I
do try to put some things upthere that are helpful or, um,
you know, other resources.
I'm really trying lately to reada lot of books and post some
screenshots from that.
(29:04):
So if there is a book or somegood resource that might be
available, I try to get that onthere on the Instagram
highlights and a few blogs.
But yeah it, I that would begreat.
And there's just there's somany wonderful therapists out
there.
You know, if somebody'sstruggling and they think after
listening to this, it might besomething worth trying, and some
people, just in a few sessions,you know, they pick up a few
(29:26):
things that they can change andreally a great experience.
So I would really encourageeverybody to just give it a try
and even if maybe the first onedoesn't work.
Brad Aldrich (29:35):
You know, try again and I'm going to plug.
You know, kate, and I docoaching, you know, around the
world, but it's very differentand that's part of why we wanted
to bring you on, because thereare times that therapy is needed
right, that it is.
This is a diagnosis, this issomething going on that you need
some help with, and you alsooffer online, so you don't have
(29:59):
to be here in Lancaster, inPennsylvania, but if you're in
Pennsylvania, california orFlorida, right, you can offer
them some help.
So that's huge, right, like youcan, can reach out to to people
from really a lot of people,and yeah, it's nice.
Abby Foster (30:19):
I recently just added Florida, which was
exciting, so I'm happy to beable to reach a few more people.
But yeah, and that's a greatthing to to consider where if
you're looking for somebodytelehealth is a great option
because you know you might live45 minutes away or two hours
away from someone and you canstill see them.
So you know, if you haven'tfound somebody locally, it opens
(30:43):
up more options for people,which I think is fantastic.
Brad Aldrich (30:46):
Yeah, I love that.
So, before we wrap up, we havesome questions for you, Just
life questions for you.
Kate Aldrich (30:53):
These are just spur of the moment Meant to see
what you come up with.
What are you and these aresurrounding marriage since still
becoming one.
That's our passion.
What are you doing right now tokeep your marriage alive?
Abby Foster (31:08):
We just took a family vacation.
We did this last year.
Um, we took a month-longvacation and I will say we went
somewhere where it's off seasonin the summer, so what you'd pay
for like a week at the jerseyshore, which, listen, I love the
jersey shore but man, that'slike, yeah, it's expensive now,
but yeah, we just did that andthat was really really nice.
(31:30):
And you know, you, just, youkind of we escaped the household
stuff of okay, we'll divide andconquer, you go out and do the
weeds and I'll do the laundryand this and that, and you know,
just some real nice alone timeand family time and outdoors.
And another thing that we'vebeen trying to do a little bit
more lately was we've tried toexercise together as a family,
(31:53):
nice.
And then I'll say my, uh, myin-laws are doing us a favor,
they're taking our kids nextweek, so we have some date night
.
Kate Aldrich (32:00):
That's amazing.
That's great.
I love that.
Yeah, all right.
What is something that makesyou laugh right now?
Abby Foster (32:07):
Oh gosh, probably my kids I've been, so we've been
really VBSing it up this weekand um, to hear, like their
stories about things.
Or uh, I had my daughter andher friend.
They were in the car and mydaughter says to her let's pinky
promise that we'll be bestfriends forever and she has an
(32:28):
older sister who I think is youknow, experienced the shifts of
friendship over time.
So she's seen that and thislittle girl goes.
We'll try.
I just thought it was so honest.
Honest answers yeah these kids,they come up with it, so yeah, I
don't know.
They're always doing somethingor into something that just I
don't know.
It makes us laugh.
Brad Aldrich (32:49):
That's great.
Abby Foster (32:53):
I something that just it makes us laugh, that's
great.
Yep, I agree.
What ages?
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
are your kids.
My son just turned eight.
Abby Foster (32:55):
He's my youngest, I don't know how we're there and
my daughter's gonna be 10 inseptember.
Okay, wow that's awesome yeahyeah, it's very cool I've always
, like, grieved the the youngstage, and you see, yeah,
there's walking around and I'moh my gosh, but it's so cool to
see who they're growing into andtheir personalities, so it's
(33:15):
just bittersweet, but yeah, it'scool to see each stage of who
they're becoming and whatthey're getting.
Kate Aldrich (33:23):
It is fun.
I think it's fun.
I mean yeah, yeah, no, for sure, all right.
Last question what is somethingthat you're doing that brings
you rest, brings me?
Abby Foster (33:33):
rest.
I'm trying to read more and Ilike gardening.
Um, okay, yeah, we did that acouple years ago and I like that
.
I like to just go out at nightand water my garden and water my
flowers, and I'm listening toaudiobooks more lately.
It's taken me a lot to not callthem books on tape.
Brad Aldrich (33:54):
Yes, I understand.
Abby Foster (33:55):
Yeah, but listening to audiobooks, I love.
Going for a walk, that's just,that's restful.
And being outside, that'srestful for me, fantastic.
Kate Aldrich (34:03):
That's very cool.
I love that.
Those are great ideas.
Thank you, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:07):
Good.
Well, we so enjoyed, you know,just having you here and giving
some great wisdom.
Abby Foster (34:13):
This was a treat.
Thank you so much for having me.
I was really looking forward tothis Great, Great Well.
Brad Aldrich (34:19):
Thank you so much and we're really excited to just
continue to see everyonegrowing on their path of still
becoming one.
That's our passion and ourvision, and we just love to
offer a lot of great wisdom froma lot of places of saying what
does it take to really keepworking together?
Kate Aldrich (34:40):
So, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:41):
So thank you so much, Abby.
Abby Foster (34:42):
Thank you, thank you guys.
Brad Aldrich (34:44):
You're welcome.
Well, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:48):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (34:53):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcasts, show notes and links
to resources in all of oursocial media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(35:16):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (00:35):
We are so glad to be back today and we have
another friend to introduce youto.
I think we're gonna have agreat conversation today.
We're excited.
Kate Aldrich (00:44):
Yeah, it's gonna be really good.
We're going to talk aboutanxiety, which is something I
think everybody can somewhatrelate to, especially if you
live through 2020 and thepandemic.
Brad Aldrich (00:56):
I don't know 2024 is going right up there.
Kate Aldrich (00:59):
Well, it keeps right on going, so I think this
is going to be something thateverybody can get something from
, which is really cool.
Today we have our friend AbbyFoster joining us.
She is an LCSW and works herelocally where we live.
Her practice is calledLancaster Therapy Center and
we've gotten to know her alittle bit through a church we
(01:21):
used to attend together, bitthrough a church we used to
attend together.
So we are really excited tohave Abby.
She's been married to herhusband for 12 years and they
have two kids together.
So welcome Abby.
Abby Foster (01:32):
Thank you guys so much.
I'm really happy to be on withyou yeah we're happy to have you
.
Kate Aldrich (01:37):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (01:38):
So yeah, abby and I had spent some time talking a
couple years ago just aboutcounseling and practice, some
time talking a couple years agojust about counseling.
Abby Foster (01:45):
And yes, because abby and I met at vbs, right
helping at church and I wastelling somebody that yesterday
how I got just I was supposed tojust be like a greeter very
quickly got promoted becausesomeone couldn't make it.
I was so grateful that kate wasthere because I was like I'll
help you, you just tell me whatto do it was.
It was like I'll help you, youjust tell me what to do.
Kate Aldrich (02:04):
It was like the wild wild west that morning but
we made it.
Brad Aldrich (02:07):
We made it, it was a good time yeah.
Vbs causes anxiety, I think ohdefinitely, absolutely.
So one of the things that Ihave appreciated about you, abby
and honestly I've referredpeople to you for is one of your
specialties is really helpingpeople figure out this whole
idea of anxiety and dealing withhigh levels of anxiety in their
(02:32):
life and how to process that.
I would love just to startbecause, look, we're all talking
about anxiety.
We were joking about 2024.
There's so much stuff going onin the world right now, right.
Like you can't turn on the newswithout getting some anxiety.
Sure, how does somebody knowlike, okay, this is normal, what
(02:54):
everybody has, and this ismaybe something where I need to
get some help?
Abby Foster (02:59):
Yeah, yeah, sometimes I'll say something to
people where they think likethat shouldn't bother me, or I
shouldn't be feeling like that,or, you know, I just that I
should just be able to let thatgo, and I want to say like, well
, would you have a pulse if youdid that?
Kate Aldrich (03:13):
Yeah.
Abby Foster (03:14):
You know, it's just a very normal reaction and
there's parts to anxiety thatare really really good and
really really important and weneed them.
And that's where that fight orflight response comes in, where
it's there to keep us safe.
Do we need to flee fromsomewhere, fight for something?
Do we need to kind of justfreeze and ground ourselves for
a little bit?
(03:34):
And so it can be a very goodresource for us.
That, you know, god gave us andprogrammed us very, very wisely
to have that response that wecould just not really think but
act.
And in other ways, I think ithelps us.
You know, stay on point withthings.
If you're a little worried oranxious about something, you're
(03:55):
probably going to prepare for it, or you maybe won't forget it,
or you'll pay a little bit moreattention to it, and so there
can be these really goodcomponents of being anxious or
having stress.
What we want to be looking foris when is it spilling over into
other things and when is itbecoming more consuming?
So if you have something comingup that you're worried about
(04:18):
and you're wanting to preparefor it and you're paying a
little bit more attention, andyou know, maybe you've decided
I'm not going to go out withfriends this week, or I'm going
to, you know, skip my kidssoccer game because I want to
pay attention to that.
That's, that's great, you know,but when it's, I'm not eating
and I can't sleep and that's allI can think about.
And so what we really want tolook for is where it's more
(04:40):
consuming.
It's spilling over intodifferent categories of life.
So is it impacting myrelationship with my spouse,
with my kids?
Is it impacting my performanceat work or at school?
Is it causing me to kind ofwithdraw from aspects of life or
things that I enjoyed?
Is it impacting my sleep?
(05:01):
And then also, what we want tolook for is when we have this
like impending sense of doom orcatastrophe.
And so, you know, there's,there's these components of like
oh, I'm worried, that might notgo well, or I might mess up, or
I might get that wrong.
Well, yeah, we're humans, we'regoing to not nail everything
all the time, but when it's likethis catastrophic type thinking
(05:26):
, that's another, I think,signal to people that it might
be something that's worthlooking into a little bit more.
Kate Aldrich (05:32):
Yeah that's good, that makes sense.
Brad Aldrich (05:34):
That's really helpful.
Abby Foster (05:35):
So, seeing the fact that it's impacting your life
in a negative way, it's holdingyou back, it's it's stopping
some things for sure, yeah,Cause again, it can be used for
good and really help us and, youknow, challenge us and and get
us focused.
But it can be used forunhelpful times as well.
Brad Aldrich (05:58):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and we've certainly
seen how.
You know we do a lot of workwith couples and still becoming
one is all about, you know,growing your marriage together.
We've seen a lot of times whereone spouse is going.
I don't understand why you'reso nervous about that or why
(06:19):
you're so focused on this or thenews or what you know, whatever
it is and just doesn't getwhat's going on.
How do you, how do you explainto somebody without anxiety what
it's like?
Abby Foster (06:34):
Yeah, yeah, that's.
That's a big frustration.
I have a lot of people that Iwork with and a very common
complaint is someone says likecan you just like knock that off
?
Can you just?
Brad Aldrich (06:44):
pull it together, can you?
Abby Foster (06:45):
just stop that and everything in them wants to be
able to do that, but it'sdifficult and it's challenging.
And so something that I try todo and encourage people I work
with, because sometimes they'llhave I don't, I don't do couples
therapy per se, but I'll invitethem, if they want to have
their spouse come on to askquestions or learn things or try
(07:09):
to help come up with plans ofhow they can be helpful, because
, you know, like anything,there's independent battles, but
it's nice to have somebody tolean on or to support you with
or to kind of redirect you in ahelpful way, to support you with
or to kind of redirect you in ahelpful way.
And so what I think can bereally helpful is just if you're
not somebody that struggleswith anxiety is getting a little
(07:32):
bit more information of what isgood, because I think a lot of
times people feel like it's justthis like meh, like emotional
thing, and I'm just choosing tobe it.
But that's why I like toexplain to people the concepts
of fight or flight and whathappens in our body.
And then it's this, you know,boost of adrenaline, and it's
almost like the fire alarm thatyou can't just say false alarm,
(07:54):
it was just a pumpkin spicecandle, like you don't have to
go off.
It's like the alarm is goingand you really have to wait for
the smoke to clear, to be alittle bit more clear minded
about things and to be able tocome out of it.
It's not a snap your fingers,just knock that off, right.
So I really like educatingpeople on what's happening
(08:14):
inside our bodies, likeinvisible, and I think that that
helps others who don'texperience a more clinical level
of anxiety understand a littlebit more, experience a more
clinical level of anxiety,understand a little bit more,
and then again going over sometools that are helpful for them,
because the good news is thatboth people want the same thing.
This one wants to knock it offand this one wants the other one
(08:35):
to knock it off, sure.
And so how do we help thepartner you know the spouse to
say what can I do that'sproductive to help and support
them and encourage them and havethat anxiety go down, where a
lot of times it kind of does theopposite of it just angers
people more in an alreadydifficult state.
Brad Aldrich (08:56):
It riles people up , right, it hits those buttons.
Kate Aldrich (09:00):
Well, it can start to bring out anxiety in the
other spouse, and I think thatit just.
It becomes then this viciouscycle, not that anyone's
intending it to be, but it justbecomes, yeah, so I think that's
really helpful, because we canbe helpful, try to be helpful.
We can try to be.
Brad Aldrich (09:21):
I think probably the first thing like you're
talking about is almostrecognizing the places where
we're not, where we're hittingeach other's buttons and where
we're aggravated because oftheir.
Oh my gosh, can't you just stopthinking about that?
Well, and what?
Kate Aldrich (09:38):
from your own story is making this so
uncomfortable, and I think it'sgot to be hard to see your
spouse struggle in any way.
So there's that piece, but thatpiece of I want you to knock it
off.
I'm always curious like wheredoes that come from, right?
Instead of just you know, justkind of trying to understand
(10:00):
what was what.
What was it like if you wereanxious in your family?
Were you told to just knock itoff?
Was there space for you to talkabout it.
I think there's something in aspouse's response that is
important for them to understand, for them to be able to
understand, interact with itdifferently.
Abby Foster (10:19):
Yeah, and I think too, part of it is just that
lack of understanding wherethat's kind of like I don't know
what else to do for you, so I'mjust going to say stop, stop,
right, right, yeah, yeah andI'll say that to people about
anxiety, because the way thatyou treat it or come about it
seems kind of backwards, wherepeople it's like, well, let me
(10:41):
do this for you then, or let metake care of this or take this
off your plate and those thingsare really appropriate and
really wonderful and helpful insome circumstances, but they're
not in anxiety, and so it can bea very difficult thing because
sometimes you're doing maybe theopposite of what you know, an
instinct, and the right thing todo in a different situation is
(11:02):
so you're saying that even goingto your spouse and going, oh,
here, let me help you with that,or oh, let me take that off
your plate so you don't have toworry about it, could aggravate
the anxiety not help.
Yes.
So if you're, if you're fearfulof something and there's this
impending doom and I don't know,let's use something maybe like
(11:23):
um, I have to, I have to meetwith the kid's teacher and I'm
really nervous that she's goingto think I, you know, I'm a
disorganized.
I'll use a mom, like I'm adisorganized mom and I can't
keep up with their homework andI don't know what's going on and
I have this parent teacherconference and I'm so nervous
about it.
Or maybe you had a badexperience with a previous kid,
(11:45):
with that teacher.
I don't know whatever, butyou're worried about it and your
husband says I'll just do themeeting for you, then that's
super helpful because it's justavoidance at that point.
And then what happens when youhave to email the teacher, or
what happens when there's theschool field trip or there's
something else right, or not theteacher but the soccer coach,
(12:07):
or it's just it's going to keepspilling over.
And so, yes, there's somecircumstances where taking
things off somebody's plate iscounterproductive and enabling
and like fueling that anxietymore.
Brad Aldrich (12:18):
Okay.
Kate Aldrich (12:19):
That's really good .
Brad Aldrich (12:20):
So it that you know I think you just hit the
two probably most commonresponses from a spouse is
either tell them to stop it ortry to help by taking it off
your plate.
So if both of those are wrong,what's the right answer?
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
I don't think they're wrong, they're just not
helpful.
Brad Aldrich (12:41):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (12:42):
And not always right.
It's difficult.
Yes.
Abby Foster (12:45):
Because sometimes, if you know, like the example I
gave earlier, if I have this bigthing that I'm trying to do for
work, it might be reallyhelpful for me to say to my
husband hey, I'll take the kidsto soccer tonight.
You can spend time doing thatright.
So there's certain things.
Spend time doing that, right,so there's, there's certain
things.
What we're looking for again isthese patterns and habits,
(13:08):
things that are filling overmore than they should, or
growing, where it's not just theteacher Now, it's the soccer
coach, now it's like um, thereare kids, parents I don't know
like they might judge me so youdrop them off right when it's
spilling into more things.
Those are times that avoidingthat is not helpful and so, in
some circumstances, encouragingor maybe doing something with
them well, I'll attend themeeting with you and I'll sit
(13:32):
there, and if you get flustered,I can jump in where there's
support there or in somecircumstances, it's well, let's
go over the questions beforehandand then then you're all
prepared.
And if it doesn't go well, wecan talk about rescheduling and
trying again.
Where there's some sort ofsupporting you or I'm helping
(13:54):
you, I think some encouragementto can be helpful of just you
know well, you know you'recapable of this, or if you mess
up like it's no big deal youknow where you're kind of not
minimizing their feelings butminimizing how big they think
the reaction could be.
And and sometimes too I've saidto people, because you know
(14:16):
again where we we tend to dothings and we're feeling
feelings of you know, anger orfrustration, or we're short on
time and I don't have time tonavigate who's going to meet
with the teacher on the zoom,because we didn't plan for this
and I have my own meeting.
So, you know, what we want tokind of think about too is just
these advanced plans.
And I'll say to people like,ask your husband or ask your
(14:38):
wife or what, what can they sayto you that will land softly and
like warmly and not tick youoff, where you know if they're
doing something and it's likeyou're doing it again, or this
is one of those things.
You know that's that's going tobe jarring for somebody.
Where what can we say in thatmoment?
And and I'll say, have aconversation, where is it?
(14:58):
I think this is one of thosetimes or here's this really good
moment for you to kind of pushthrough this.
Or this seems like a time thatwe've talked about in the past
where I want to be supportive toyou and I want you to do it,
where you're kind of saying, hey, here's your chance and let's
do this, but it's it's aprescriptive like this will land
(15:20):
nicely sort of way.
So I think that just practicingcommunication around it and
advanced planning where it holdsboth parties accountable, I
think that that can be a reallyhelpful strategy for couples too
.
But really we want to just keephelping them expose themselves
to that and get that practiceand maybe then even going back
(15:42):
and I'm really proud of you thatyou did that or that was really
awesome or letting them knowthat was so helpful for me that
you were able to manage thatmeeting on your own.
Thank you for doing that.
I think, that some likegratitude on the back end is
always a good thing too, sureyeah.
Brad Aldrich (15:57):
Fantastic.
Kate Aldrich (15:58):
That's really good .
Brad Aldrich (15:59):
What all of the like?
I want to add one piece,because you said a minute ago
that all like, when there's thatfog of fight or flight, a lot
of things don't work yeah, rightso the, the, I'm gonna, I'll
help you through it let's, let'suh, you know, role play it.
Let's like probably isn't gonnahappen in in that, in that
(16:22):
space, yes, and yet that'sprobably also the most
noticeable time that somebody isanxious.
Abby Foster (16:29):
Yes.
Brad Aldrich (16:30):
What do you do then?
Like when somebody is in thatlike like when someone's in that
.
Abby Foster (16:35):
I think the best thing to do is help them get out
of that.
And so that it doesn't have tobe immediate problem solving and
that's again we think of well,okay, this is the problem, boom,
here's how we solve it.
But you can't get to boom whenthe smoke alarm is going off.
And and I'll say that to people, I use the.
I use a lot of analogies when Italk to people and they've told
(16:58):
me they find it helpful.
I think they're silly and Ijoke with some people that I
should start a merchandise linewith these crazy things.
That's awesome Silly things.
But I think people do well withlike word pictures and
remembering these, becausemental concepts are tricky and
there's a lot of differentstrategies to use and try.
And so I'll use the analogy ofdid you ever go to like?
(17:20):
And we just had this on afamily vacation, actually.
I'll use the analogy of did youever go to like a?
We just had this on a familyvacation.
Actually, we were on the 17thfloor of a building in Florida
and the fire alarm false alarmwent off at like 1am and it's
like jarring and you know, youhave a woman's voice and the and
like flashing lights and it wasreally discombobulating.
And I say to people if youthink about like that smoke
(17:42):
alarm which is your fight orflight.
It's like your body's innersmoke alarm that says danger or
like keep going, you can'treally reach somebody.
They're so distracted andconsumed by that, and so we have
to just do things until thesmoke alarm says like okay, like
I can calm down now.
And so I think that that tendsto be the helpful approach is
(18:03):
what's going to get the dust tosettle or the smoke to settle
and not like the flames more.
And that can be very much.
Let's just pause this.
Let's go for a walk.
Why don't you go read a book?
Let's go do this together.
Let's talk about something else.
A lot of people do well withdeep breathing.
A lot of people do well withdeep breathing A lot of people
(18:29):
do well with meditation.
I think that deep breathing andexercise or some sort of
movement are the best ways forpeople to come out of that.
And I think a lot of timespeople's next reaction is to
curl up in bed and for somepeople that works and that's
okay, but I think more so whathelps people get out of that is
to keep moving and kind ofremind yourself I'm in.
That's okay, but I think moreso what helps people get out of
that is to keep moving and kindof remind yourself I'm in charge
of my body, I can go move it, Ican go outside, I can do
something fun.
(18:50):
I can cook a meal, and I alsothink that these are great
opportunities again for couplesto do together, where I'll go
for a walk with you and we cantalk about not this and
something else.
And, and I say to people to,you know, use reminiscing, um,
plan your dream vacation whereyou're just getting out of that
(19:12):
space and helping to pull yourhusband or wife out of that by
distracting, by moving your body, cause again you have all these
chemicals going through yourbody, all this adrenaline and so
kind of like you would think ofa reverse gas tank you want to
burn the gas out.
And so, moving, talking,distracting, engaging.
(19:33):
That's why I love cooking too,because you're thinking about
things.
You have to measure stuff anduse the oven or the stove.
And where's this pot now?
Where's this knife?
What's the the dishwasher is?
Or the stove?
And where's this pot?
Now, where's this knife?
Is it in the dishwasher?
Is it in the drawer?
It's distracting, okay, and itgives you something else to
focus on, but it's also nicebecause you can do it together.
Brad Aldrich (19:50):
I love that.
Kate Aldrich (19:50):
That's really cool .
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseand yeah, I can see how that
would work really well.
Brad Aldrich (19:57):
And I think that's super helpful to even recognize
there are probably a couple ofdifferent strategies as a spouse
.
If you recognize anxiety inyour spouse, you have to be good
at right.
There is this place of how do Ihelp you through it, how do we
role play, how do I bring somepositive reinforcement, all
(20:17):
those kinds of things.
But there's also that time of Ijust got to get the smoke out
of the room.
Kate Aldrich (20:23):
Yeah, yeah so that's super helpful.
Yeah, good.
Brad Aldrich (20:27):
What if and this could be either side.
You talked a little bit of likehow do you know if you need to
deal with anxiety?
Maybe need to go talk tosomebody about it, right, like
so.
But again on the spouse sidelike there are some people
listening to this, I am sure whoare going this is my husband or
(20:47):
this is my wife, like they'rethe ones with anxiety and I see
it in them and I see how it ishurting their life.
But maybe they're not able toable to or ready to say, yep, I
need some help.
What do they do?
How do you help somebody get tothat place of?
Hey, maybe we need to dosomething here.
Abby Foster (21:09):
Yeah, I do think that just communication is
really key and I think, a lot oftimes, people, you know you
love your husband or wife, youwant to protect them, you don't
want to make them feel bad, thatthis is impacting, but, um, you
know, conflict delayed isconflict multiplied, and so, um,
if you're delaying and you'reavoiding something you know,
(21:32):
maybe there's a little bit ofanxiety about that there too Um,
I think the best approach isjust to approach it warmly,
where, um, you know, most of thetime it is with the most of
positive intention.
I don't want you to keepstruggling like this and it's
impacting you and you know, Idon't want your days to be like
this and I don't want your lifeto be, you know, or this to be
(21:56):
dictating life, as much as it isRight, and again, that's one of
those warning signs where it'sjust spilling over into all
these different things and alsosometimes even, you know, I, I
want to learn and I feel alittle unsure about what to do
and I think it would be great,and I think even sometimes, if
the anxious person isn't willingto, sometimes the spouse can be
(22:18):
the one to.
Just I just want to kind of goand I want to learn more about
this and just what I can do andsometimes that could be a good
lead into somebody else's mom,um, and just get some ideas and
strategies, because I, I, I dowant to say too, I'm mentioning
a lot of things, but what'stricky and what can be most
helpful is because everybody'sdifferent, you know, and
(22:40):
everybody has different anxietyabout different things in
different circumstances, and youknow there's different
variables.
The dog wants to make herappearance on the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (22:50):
Oh perfect.
Brad Aldrich (22:51):
That's perfect.
Kate Aldrich (22:52):
We've had dogs, other dogs, including ours.
Abby Foster (22:55):
I love it.
But yeah, I think that you know, kind of going and showing the
lead sometimes of I'm going tojust go get myself some
information because I want tohandle this can be nice, and
then they can kind of teach orthey at least feel in a position
of more knowledge or more.
Everybody wants control, likefeeling more in control in a
(23:16):
situation that feels very out ofcontrol.
Brad Aldrich (23:18):
Of course, of course.
Kate Aldrich (23:20):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (23:21):
I think that's that happens.
A lot is that, that feeling ofout of control, and then it's
really easy just to kind of goto putting our head under the
covers because, we don't knowwhat to do next.
So and that's somewhat where Ifeel like this kind of stuff is
just so helpful of like, hey,there, there is help out there.
(23:44):
Right and um, I think a lot ofpeople don't get help because
they fear.
The only answer is now I'mgoing to have to be on some
medication forever.
Abby Foster (23:57):
Yes, yes, and it's frustrating, you know.
You hear, I hear from a lot ofpeople that I work with who
maybe worked with somebodydifferent or maybe tried
something, or they heard like afriend had done something, and
it's not a great experience, andI want people to know that
therapy is more than just ohgosh, I'm so sorry to hear about
(24:19):
that and like I'm here tosupport you and try to breathe
it, you know, and it's important, if you have anxiety or if you
struggle with and I work with alot of people who have obsessive
compulsive disorder, which isunder the anxiety umbrella too,
and that's something a lot oftimes that can be very impactful
(24:40):
on a household, and so you knowit's like, oh, that must be
really hard.
Or you know, I had someone theone time too, like she would get
so anxious and she said she wasencouraged to drink ginger ale
when that happened and I justthought no.
I would encourage people to seekout you know what you're
(25:01):
looking for or what would behelpful, but also to know that
there is therapy out there thatwill provide education on what
is happening.
You know in your body how yourbrain works.
I work to really teach people alot about how we think so
distortedly and how our emotionsreally kind of mix up, how we
(25:23):
see things and then ourbehaviors fall in place.
And that's the crux ofcognitive behavioral therapy is
your thoughts, your behaviorsand your emotions.
But I think I want people toreally know that therapy can be
very instructional of here'syour plan to go home or here's
what I want you to do this weekand apply this Now.
(25:44):
You have to do that right forit to be successful.
You don't just, you know, goand kind of unpack it all
verbally and you know 45 to 60minutes.
And I think you can feel betterafter you unpack it.
But you know there has to besome follow through.
But I just I think it's reallyimportant for people to know
that there is like actualtreatment plans available If you
(26:07):
have anxiety or if you haveobsessive compulsive disorder or
a phobia of some sort or you'rejust like struggling with
stress and coping, and and itcan be very impactful and
helpful.
And I think to some people it'slike well, so-and-so told me
this and I will say I feel funnyand it makes me laugh for
situations like this, cause I'llhave people say like well, my
(26:27):
husband said he told me that,but I'm listening to you and
it's kind of like they heard itbut you're you're hearing it in
a different way because it'spresented in a different fashion
, or it's you're seeing it nowthrough behaviors and kind of
like therapy, homework that'sallowing you to not just like
think about it but experience itand get that buy in a little
(26:50):
bit more.
And so I just think that that'sreally important, that people
know that that kind of therapyis out there.
And if you haven't found thatand you tried, I would encourage
you to try again.
And same thing with medication.
You know you'll have people whowill say, well, you should just
go see a psychiatrist or gotalk to your family family
physician about you knowanti-anxiety medication or an
(27:12):
antidepressant, and you knowthere's certainly a time for
medication and that's certainlya personal choice.
But there's also very greatopportunities.
That's just behaviorally orpractice, and even things like
sleep, and when you're anxiousyou're probably not sleeping the
best either.
Sleep, and when you're anxiousyou're probably not sleeping the
(27:36):
best either, and it's a realamazing thing, how much sleep
impacts.
Or are you eating correctly?
And sometimes, when people arestressed, they overeat or they
undereat.
You have it on both ends there.
But if you're not fueling yourbody properly whether it's not
getting enough or it's gettingtoo much or too much of the
wrong things that's going toimpact you too, and so there's a
lot of things to look at.
You know before, or either?
(27:57):
In addition, to the desire formedication, and that's something
that I think it's great to workwith a professional on.
Brad Aldrich (28:03):
That's fantastic, that's really good.
Well, I you know this has beenjust a ton of really great
information.
And I wanted to just say.
You know, some people may belistening to this and going oh
my gosh, maybe I do need to talkto somebody, maybe there's some
hope here and we're going tohave your links in our show
notes.
Abby Foster (28:23):
You said your, your website is it's
wwwlancastertherapycentercom,and then on that you can find my
social medias.
But on social media, onfacebook and instagram, I'm just
at lancaster therapy center andI I joke with people I don't
(28:43):
know how.
Um, I think you guys do yourown stuff too, but I'm a woman
show we do our own stuff so likethe marketing is not really
nailing it on the.
Instagram, but so it's not themost like thriving page, but I
do try to put some things upthere that are helpful or, um,
you know, other resources.
I'm really trying lately to reada lot of books and post some
screenshots from that.
(29:04):
So if there is a book or somegood resource that might be
available, I try to get that onthere on the Instagram
highlights and a few blogs.
But yeah it, I that would begreat.
And there's just there's somany wonderful therapists out
there.
You know, if somebody'sstruggling and they think after
listening to this, it might besomething worth trying, and some
people, just in a few sessions,you know, they pick up a few
(29:26):
things that they can change andreally a great experience.
So I would really encourageeverybody to just give it a try
and even if maybe the first onedoesn't work.
Brad Aldrich (29:35):
You know, try again and I'm going to plug.
You know, kate, and I docoaching, you know, around the
world, but it's very differentand that's part of why we wanted
to bring you on, because thereare times that therapy is needed
right, that it is.
This is a diagnosis, this issomething going on that you need
some help with, and you alsooffer online, so you don't have
(29:59):
to be here in Lancaster, inPennsylvania, but if you're in
Pennsylvania, california orFlorida, right, you can offer
them some help.
So that's huge, right, like youcan, can reach out to to people
from really a lot of people,and yeah, it's nice.
Abby Foster (30:19):
I recently just added Florida, which was
exciting, so I'm happy to beable to reach a few more people.
But yeah, and that's a greatthing to to consider where if
you're looking for somebodytelehealth is a great option
because you know you might live45 minutes away or two hours
away from someone and you canstill see them.
So you know, if you haven'tfound somebody locally, it opens
(30:43):
up more options for people,which I think is fantastic.
Brad Aldrich (30:46):
Yeah, I love that.
So, before we wrap up, we havesome questions for you, Just
life questions for you.
Kate Aldrich (30:53):
These are just spur of the moment Meant to see
what you come up with.
What are you and these aresurrounding marriage since still
becoming one.
That's our passion.
What are you doing right now tokeep your marriage alive?
Abby Foster (31:08):
We just took a family vacation.
We did this last year.
Um, we took a month-longvacation and I will say we went
somewhere where it's off seasonin the summer, so what you'd pay
for like a week at the jerseyshore, which, listen, I love the
jersey shore but man, that'slike, yeah, it's expensive now,
but yeah, we just did that andthat was really really nice.
(31:30):
And you know, you, just, youkind of we escaped the household
stuff of okay, we'll divide andconquer, you go out and do the
weeds and I'll do the laundryand this and that, and you know,
just some real nice alone timeand family time and outdoors.
And another thing that we'vebeen trying to do a little bit
more lately was we've tried toexercise together as a family,
(31:53):
nice.
And then I'll say my, uh, myin-laws are doing us a favor,
they're taking our kids nextweek, so we have some date night
.
Kate Aldrich (32:00):
That's amazing.
That's great.
I love that.
Yeah, all right.
What is something that makesyou laugh right now?
Abby Foster (32:07):
Oh gosh, probably my kids I've been, so we've been
really VBSing it up this weekand um, to hear, like their
stories about things.
Or uh, I had my daughter andher friend.
They were in the car and mydaughter says to her let's pinky
promise that we'll be bestfriends forever and she has an
(32:28):
older sister who I think is youknow, experienced the shifts of
friendship over time.
So she's seen that and thislittle girl goes.
We'll try.
I just thought it was so honest.
Honest answers yeah these kids,they come up with it, so yeah, I
don't know.
They're always doing somethingor into something that just I
don't know.
It makes us laugh.
Brad Aldrich (32:49):
That's great.
Abby Foster (32:53):
I something that just it makes us laugh, that's
great.
Yep, I agree.
What ages?
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
are your kids.
My son just turned eight.
Abby Foster (32:55):
He's my youngest, I don't know how we're there and
my daughter's gonna be 10 inseptember.
Okay, wow that's awesome yeahyeah, it's very cool I've always
, like, grieved the the youngstage, and you see, yeah,
there's walking around and I'moh my gosh, but it's so cool to
see who they're growing into andtheir personalities, so it's
(33:15):
just bittersweet, but yeah, it'scool to see each stage of who
they're becoming and whatthey're getting.
Kate Aldrich (33:23):
It is fun.
I think it's fun.
I mean yeah, yeah, no, for sure, all right.
Last question what is somethingthat you're doing that brings
you rest, brings me?
Abby Foster (33:33):
rest.
I'm trying to read more and Ilike gardening.
Um, okay, yeah, we did that acouple years ago and I like that
.
I like to just go out at nightand water my garden and water my
flowers, and I'm listening toaudiobooks more lately.
It's taken me a lot to not callthem books on tape.
Brad Aldrich (33:54):
Yes, I understand.
Abby Foster (33:55):
Yeah, but listening to audiobooks, I love.
Going for a walk, that's just,that's restful.
And being outside, that'srestful for me, fantastic.
Kate Aldrich (34:03):
That's very cool.
I love that.
Those are great ideas.
Thank you, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:07):
Good.
Well, we so enjoyed, you know,just having you here and giving
some great wisdom.
Abby Foster (34:13):
This was a treat.
Thank you so much for having me.
I was really looking forward tothis Great, Great Well.
Brad Aldrich (34:19):
Thank you so much and we're really excited to just
continue to see everyonegrowing on their path of still
becoming one.
That's our passion and ourvision, and we just love to
offer a lot of great wisdom froma lot of places of saying what
does it take to really keepworking together?
Kate Aldrich (34:40):
So, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:41):
So thank you so much, Abby.
Abby Foster (34:42):
Thank you, thank you guys.
Brad Aldrich (34:44):
You're welcome.
Well, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:48):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (34:53):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcasts, show notes and links
to resources in all of oursocial media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(35:16):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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